Curb Your Enthusiasm 9x8

1. Come on.

2. I can't look at that. Take it away.

3. Hey, I'm trying to work.

4. Sorry, what's your problem?

5. No one wants to see this.

6. It's very disturbing.

7. Two people aren't allowed to be happy?

8. Well, you're allowed to be happy,

9. but not in front of me,

10. so let's move it down.

11. - Okay.

12. - All right.

13. Good. Thank you.

14. Excuse me, Señor Larry.

15. All the lights in here

16. and in the hallway, they're all fixed.

17. You no have no more humming,

18. no more vibrating.

19. - Everything is fixed.

20. - Ah! Cesar, thank you so much.

21. That was driving me crazy,

22. that humming.

23. Anything else you need from me,

24. you give me a call,

25. and I'll come here

26. and fix it right away, okay?

27. Oh! Hey, Cesar.

28. - That's for you.

29. - No, no, Señor Larry.

30. I cannot accept that money.

31. This is my job. This is what I do.

32. It's a little bonus for you,

33. a little extra.

34. - Take it.

35. - Uh, it means...

36. It means a lot to me, Mr. Larry,

37. but I cannot take this.

38. I just don't feel comfortable.

39. This is what I do, sir.

40. Cesar, this is unprecedented!

41. This is rarer

42. than a man turning down sex,

43. what you've just done.

44. It just... It doesn't happen!

45. Okay, Señor Larry.

46. I've never turned down sex in my life.

47. Me neither.

48. Cesar, this will not

49. be forgotten anytime soon.

50. - Have a nice day.

51. Very commendable.

52. So, now, for some reason,

53. Funkhouser's gotten back together

54. with this woman.

55. - I don't know why. She hates my guts.

56. - Aww.

57. But nevertheless,

58. he wants to go to brunch

59. and see if we can

60. all get along, you know,

61. so it's gonna be very awkward.

62. Just because of the tap water?

63. - Tap water, yes. Tap water.

64. Wow.

65. Hey, Eddie, breakfast!

66. Wow. Tap water. Here you go, sweetie.

67. Wow,

68. look at the young man today.

69. Very nice hoodie you got there.

70. Mom, you're still dating this guy?

71. - Yes, honey...

72. - Yes, and she's enjoying it very much.

73. - Take your toast.

74. - Where's the butter?

75. It's right there, quite visible.

76. I can't see the butter. Do it again.

77. He needs to see the butter.

78. I'll eat this one,

79. and I'll make you another one.

80. Are you two having sex?

81. - That's Mommy's business.

82. - It's not really your business,

83. but to tell you the truth,

84. it's imminent, okay?

85. Gross.

86. Sorry, he's really been

87. having a tough time lately.

88. I don't know how you let him get away

89. with that toast thing.

90. This kid needs

91. some structure in his life.

92. He needs some discipline.

93. - I know, I know.

94. - You're not tough enough.

95. I know.

96. There's this private school, and

97. I've been thinking about sending him,

98. but it's really

99. tough to get into, and...

100. I wanted to ask you a question.

101. Please say no

102. if this is at all inappropriate,

103. but Susie happened to mention

104. this very same school,

105. Pemberton Academy,

106. where I'm trying to get him in,

107. you had donated

108. some Seinfeld stuff there.

109. My assistant takes care of all that.

110. I just, you know.

111. Okay, I just didn't know

112. if, like, you knew somebody, or...

113. - No, I really don't.

114. - That's fine, that's fine.

115. If I could help, I would,

116. but I don't know.

117. You know, I feel

118. weird about sending him

119. to boarding school anyway.

120. - Boarding school?

121. Yeah.

122. - How far away is it?

123. - It's about an hour and a half.

124. I actually think

125. it would be the best for him,

126. but it would be hard for me

127. just to be rattling around...

128. I completely agree with you.

129. I think it would be

130. a fantastic thing for him.

131. Do you, really?

132. - It's gotta be the... You know what?

133. Get me a name, get me a number.

134. Whatever I can do to help.

135. - No.

136. - Yes!

137. Give me some information, done!

138. That's really nice of you, Larry.

139. Thank you so much.

140. It's gonna be so good for him.

141. Look, if I can send him

142. an hour and a half away,

143. I'm more than happy to.

144. If I got those glasses...

145. Yeah?

146. We'd be twins.

147. That would be

148. kind of hideous, wouldn't it?

149. Have you ever seen a couple

150. with the same glasses?

151. By the way, when I say couple,

152. I'm not referring to us as a couple.

153. - Yeah, excuse me. What are you...

154. - No, no,

155. - I'm not going there.

156. - Hold on.

157. We're... I... You have not bought me

158. the same glasses.

159. We don't have it

160. like that just yet, my friend.

161. - Hi, guys.

162. - Hi.

163. Can I bring you some water

164. while you wait?

165. Still or sparkling?

166. - Sparkling. Yeah.

167. - Yeah, sparkling.

168. Boy, I can't tell you,

169. I'm so relieved.

170. Thanks again for helping me out

171. with the boarding school thing.

172. So, before I call the, um...

173. - Pemberton Academy.

174. - Pemberton, yes. Pemberton.

175. Do they know about the Asperger's?

176. Oh, yeah. Mmm-hmm.

177. Yeah, they're a great school.

178. They're... They can...

179. They're just equipped to handle

180. all kinds of special kids.

181. Mmm-hmm.

182. Has he been diagnosed

183. by a doctor or is this your opinion?

184. He's on the spectrum.

185. Yeah.

186. How do you know?

187. You can see in his behavior

188. and what people have said,

189. and, you know,

190. he's, you know,

191. he's been diagnosed on the spectrum.

192. Okay.

193. Hello?

194. Señor Larry,

195. it's Cesar from the office.

196. - Who?

197. - Cesar! You gave me the tip

198. and I didn't take it?

199. Yeah?

200. I'm here at the office building,

201. fixing a leak,

202. and I was just wondering,

203. after I'm done,

204. I could go to your office and watch

205. the Argentina and México game.

206. It's a very important game.

207. It's for, to qualify in the World Cup.

208. Why do you have to go? Why my office?

209. Because you got

210. all the channels, sir.

211. - Yeah. Yeah, okay.

212. Gracias, Señor Larry.

213. I will not forget this.

214. You are the man.

215. - Okay.

216. Who's that?

217. This handyman in my office building

218. wants to go into my office

219. to watch a soccer game.

220. I offered him a tip,

221. but he didn't take the tip,

222. so I feel like I'm a little obligated

223. to let him watch the game.

224. It's tricky.

225. - Hello! Sorry we're late.

226. - Oh, hey!

227. - Hi, I'm Marilyn.

228. - L.D.

229. - Hi!

230. Hi, nice to meet you.

231. - Yes, hi.

232. - Hi. Marty Funkhouser.

233. Hi, great to meet you.

234. - Great to meet you!

235. So, I just wanna say, before we begin,

236. I'd like to apologize

237. for what happened between us.

238. That is not a true representation

239. of who I am.

240. - Let's start fresh.

241. - That means a lot to me. Okay.

242. - Yes! Yes!

243. Yes, let's do it.

244. Some sparkling water for the table?

245. No, no. We don't want that.

246. We want some tap water.

247. You don't want sparkling?

248. - No, get that out of here. Tap.

249. - Well, it's unfiltered.

250. Better.

251. Water is water. We're not water snobs.

252. Very good.

253. - We don't care.

254. While you bring the tap,

255. bring us the best bottle of champagne

256. you have in the house to drink.

257. Okay? We're gonna live it up!

258. Yeah, you know, sure.

259. Thank you, Larry.

260. I really appreciate your apology.

261. Oh, yes.

262. - No, it means a lot to me.

263. And some tap water for the table.

264. Tap water for the table. Look at this.

265. Look at this beautiful tap water.

266. We got some here...

267. - Wow, look at that.

268. - Mmm.

269. Wow, it really looks good.

270. - Whoa, whoa. Hey, sir.

271. - Come on, buddy.

272. - There's a line.

273. You can't just walk up here.

274. Come on, man, you're being rude.

275. - They're in line.

276. - You gotta get to the back, buddy.

277. - We're in line.

278. - I'm just getting some potatoes.

279. - I don't care what you're getting.

280. - Get in the back.

281. One minute!

282. One minute! Just a minute!

283. - Are you getting seconds?

284. - Yes, sir.

285. The man is getting seconds.

286. - It doesn't matter.

287. - But that's not a rule.

288. The man has already

289. waited on this line.

290. - Larry, we're hungry.

291. We're all hungry.

292. I'm hungry, too.

293. But to make him wait

294. another 10 minutes

295. for a few measly potatoes?

296. - Shame on you! Shame on all of you!

297. - Okay.

298. That's not how

299. we do things here in America.

300. We don't wait for seconds!

301. Never, never wait for seconds!

302. It's fine, it's good. It's fine.

303. Sir, I would be proud to serve you.

304. - What do you want?

305. - Potatoes.

306. - Thank you. Thank you, sir.

307. - Sure, sure.

308. You're welcome.

309. - It's okay, really.

310. - I didn't mean to overreact like that.

311. - Enjoy.

312. - Enjoy yourself.

313. Thank you. Thanks.

314. - All right!

315. - Oh, I love that sound.

316. - You like that?

317. - I love that sound.

318. I mean, the good thing here

319. is that if we want seconds,

320. - we go right to the front.

321. - Straight to the front.

322. - Right?

323. Yep.

324. Boy, oh, boy.

325. That's a lot of ketchup there.

326. I like ketchup.

327. Yeah, it seems a little excessive, no?

328. - Here we go.

329. - Living it up!

330. - Happiness, living it up! Okay?

331. Cheers!

332. I mean, you use too much ketchup,

333. you know what happens?

334. They convert to packs,

335. to the little packets.

336. Is there a ketchup shortage?

337. Like, "Oh,

338. we're gonna run out of ketchup."

339. I wasn't saying

340. there's a ketchup shortage,

341. it's just that if everybody uses

342. as much ketchup as you do,

343. they would stop buying it.

344. As a matter of fact,

345. I think I need more ketchup.

346. Wow.

347. Hmm!

348. Why are we talking about this?

349. There's no way she could finish

350. all that ketchup.

351. - Is there?

352. - Watch me.

353. Let's just

354. change the subject, okay?

355. - Potatoes are delicious.

356. Yeah.

357. Oh, my God!

358. - Oh, my God!

359. Don't do that, don't do that.

360. Can we get a wet towel, somebody?

361. That's okay. It's okay, it's okay.

362. It's okay.

363. Yeah, your sweater covers it fine.

364. You know, I think I want to go home.

365. Oh! No!

366. - It's just a really bad stain.

367. - Yeah, go.

368. - No, Larry, it's not that bad.

369. - You got a bad stain.

370. I'm gonna go home.

371. I'm just feeling very uncomfortable.

372. - Oh, I'm so sorry.

373. - Yeah, go.

374. It's a really bad stain.

375. It's a "go home" stain,

376. you know what I mean?

377. - It was the fork.

378. - I think it was the ketchup.

379. - Let's not argue over this.

380. - I'm so sorry.

381. It was lovely to meet you.

382. You seem lovely.

383. - Yeah, take her home.

384. - It's such a shame.

385. Nice job, once again.

386. - One of those things.

387. - Gosh, another time, I guess.

388. - Bye.

389. Wow, I feel so bad.

390. That was a disgusting display.

391. You couldn't let the ketchup go.

392. - Couldn't let it go.

393. - Oh, boy.

394. Guess what.

395. Who's paying

396. for the expensive champagne?

397. - Oh!

398. - Yeah.

399. I want to thank you

400. for defending me in front of the mob.

401. Oh!

402. Oh. Yes, of course.

403. That was terrible.

404. You had already waited.

405. What was the point

406. of going back again?

407. - You would've lost your appetite.

408. - I agree with you, Mr. David.

409. How do you know my name?

410. I know everything about you.

411. I was sitting there having my brunch,

412. and I saw you.

413. And I was thinking,

414. as a devout Muslim,

415. I should kill this man.

416. - Fatwa.

417. - And then you defended me.

418. I thought to myself...

419. "I cannot kill this man.

420. "This man doesn't deserve to die."

421. No. No, I don't. I don't.

422. I do have some friends

423. in high positions.

424. I think I need to bring

425. to their attention

426. that you are not the man

427. they think you are.

428. Anything you want to know,

429. I'll give you full access.

430. I'm an open book.

431. You will be hearing from me.

432. What is your name?

433. My name is not important.

434. - Hey.

435. - Whoa! Hey.

436. Um...

437. - You okay?

438. - Yeah, I was just talking to this guy.

439. What guy?

440. Let's go.

441. You know, that was a lot of fun.

442. That horse, he was so close!

443. - He should've won!

444. - I know, I know, I know.

445. I know. I was excited for you.

446. By the way, this is, what are we on?

447. 10 hours now together?

448. It's been incredibly fun.

449. And I can't believe

450. you made that appointment

451. at Pemberton.

452. I'm so grateful.

453. Believe me, once I get through

454. with those Pemberton people,

455. they're gonna beg this kid

456. to go to that school.

457. Do you wanna come in?

458. - Do I wanna come in?

459. - Mmm.

460. Because I'm feeling pretty grateful.

461. Are you saying that, uh,

462. gratitude sex is in the offing?

463. If you're okay

464. with gratitude sex, I mean...

465. You know what,

466. I've never had gratitude sex,

467. mainly because

468. I've never done anything that

469. - someone could be grateful for.

470. But people tell me that

471. gratitude sex is the ultimate.

472. It's hard to explain.

473. I'd rather just show you.

474. - Sure, yeah.

475. - You know?

476. Hey, honey.

477. Uh, I thought Nancy put you to bed.

478. She did.

479. Well, it's time for bed.

480. It's past your bedtime.

481. - It's past his bedtime.

482. Hey, now.

483. Go to your room, okay?

484. I'll hang out in my room,

485. but I'm not going to bed.

486. I've never seen an old man

487. in sneakers before.

488. - Okay, go to your room.

489. That's so stupid.

490. That's a good one.

491. - Eddie! Go.

492. You know, he's on the spectrum.

493. I'm sorry.

494. The spectrum.

495. He's on the spectrum. Yeah.

496. Guess that's that.

497. He won't listen to me, but

498. maybe you can get him to bed.

499. The offer still stands.

500. Yeah!

501. All right, you little prick, okay?

502. I got some gratitude sex coming to me,

503. and you're not gonna ruin it.

504. You got it?

505. Now get under those covers.

506. You're gonna go to sleep,

507. and I'm gonna have sex

508. with your mother.

509. Hello.

510. You're looking at a man with an "A"

511. on his shirt for "apology."

512. - Is that so?

513. Yes.

514. I'm sorry for the other day.

515. There was nothing I could do.

516. We had to leave, so I left.

517. Quite an expensive bottle of champagne

518. I wound up paying for.

519. We ordered the champagne

520. because you wanted to live it up.

521. You said, "Let's live it up."

522. I would never live it up.

523. I live it down, I don't live it up.

524. Okay, maybe I said,

525. "Let's live it up."

526. - Yes, you did.

527. - I wanted to have a good time,

528. - that's all!

529. - So, anyway, so you're here to what?

530. Apologize. I'm sorry!

531. For leaving me with the bill?

532. No, I'm sorry for leaving early.

533. That's what I'm sorry about.

534. I don't mind you leaving early,

535. but I think the proper apology

536. would be to say, "I'm sorry.

537. "Here's $250 for the champagne."

538. - Okay?

539. - That's a cash apology.

540. My apology is from the heart.

541. That's something that means something.

542. Why do you come

543. to the office to apologize

544. - without offering the money?

545. - Because I felt bad!

546. If you feel bad, you offer the money!

547. - No, you don't!

548. - You don't understand feeling bad!

549. Feeling bad is feeling in the heart,

550. not in the wallet!

551. - ... feeling bad is making it up!

552. - It is not!

553. Well, to come here

554. and apologize without

555. taking your wallet out and offering,

556. who knows if I would even accept it?

557. There's not even an offer!

558. Let's go to lunch, talk it over.

559. - Okay. Yeah.

560. Okay?

561. I gotta take a quick piss.

562. - Mr. Larry.

563. - Ah, Cesar!

564. I want to thank you for offering me

565. to watch the game on your TV.

566. Ah, well, you're very welcome.

567. But unfortunately, I couldn't make it.

568. What?

569. Yeah, my wife, she wanted me to do

570. a bunch of chores in the house,

571. so I couldn't come.

572. I'm, well, I'm sorry to hear that.

573. Too bad.

574. But you're a member

575. of a nice country club, sí?

576. - Yeah?

577. - Can I bring my family there

578. for a nice little swim?

579. Little Cesar's like Aquaman.

580. No. No, you can't

581. bring your family there, no!

582. - But why not?

583. - It's not the way it works. No.

584. I don't understand

585. your lack of generosity.

586. Lack of generosity?

587. What are you talking about?

588. I gave you a tip,

589. which you turned down.

590. I did not take it,

591. so you owe me a favor.

592. I already repaid you a favor

593. that I didn't even owe you!

594. The whole point of the tip

595. is for you to be indebted to me.

596. Now you've reversed it!

597. Now I'm indebted to you.

598. You flipped it! You flipped the tip!

599. I promised Little Cesar.

600. All right. This is the last one.

601. Okay? This is it.

602. And next time I give you a tip,

603. you take it, okay?

604. - Okay, Mr. Larry.

605. - But the country club is out.

606. You can't swim there. They're racist.

607. They're not gonna let you in there.

608. Why are you a member of a racist club?

609. They're all racists.

610. That's the way they operate.

611. - How about your pool?

612. - I would, but the heater in my house

613. got all screwed up

614. and nothing's working now,

615. and the pool's not working.

616. I bet you have friends

617. with nice pools.

618. Hey, your pool working?

619. Yeah.

620. Can Cesar and his family

621. use your pool?

622. - Who's Cesar?

623. - Yo.

624. - Nice to meet you, Cesar.

625. - Nice to meet you, sir.

626. Can he use my pool?

627. It's hot out, they have

628. no place to swim, and...

629. At this time of year

630. we might have family coming over.

631. - You know, I never know...

632. - I'll tell you what.

633. We call it even, the $250.

634. So, you're never gonna

635. mention it again?

636. Never again.

637. - When do you want to come over?

638. - On Saturday.

639. What time is good for you? 8:00 a.m.?

640. Uh... Let's make it 8:30.

641. - Thank you, sir.

642. - Hey, do me a favor.

643. - Yes, sir.

644. No diving, and try to stay

645. in the shallow end, okay?

646. - That's his number.

647. - Thank you, Mr. Larry.

648. Little Cesar

649. is gonna be so happy. Gracias.

650. Larry David paid you

651. for your services?

652. Hell, yeah, he did.

653. But all he did was use me

654. to get in the carpool lane

655. so he can get to the Dodger game.

656. So, you're saying that your encounter

657. was not of sexual nature.

658. Hell, no!

659. He could've had all this.

660. I still don't understand.

661. How can your father

662. be a kamikaze pilot

663. when he's still alive?

664. - He grazed the ship.

665. - Grazed it, but not fatal.

666. - No.

667. - Then Larry was right.

668. So, Larry David

669. went on a date with you

670. and carried you upstairs?

671. Yeah. I didn't want him to.

672. - Oh, he insisted?

673. - Yes.

674. You know, I wasn't the only girl

675. in a wheelchair he was dating.

676. So, he went out with

677. two different women with disability?

678. At least.

679. Commendable.

680. I'd see Larry occasionally.

681. I guess you would say

682. I had some issues with him.

683. But wasn't the real issue

684. the big vagina?

685. Yes. It's big.

686. Big enough to steal

687. a Mickey Mantle autographed baseball?

688. - Yes.

689. - Hmm.

690. He took a word in one of my rhymes

691. and changed that shit.

692. And it opened up lyrically for me.

693. It was amazing, man.

694. He also saved me

695. from a marriage to a lesbian.

696. So, yeah,

697. that motherfucker's my Caucasian.

698. - Caucasian?

699. - Write that shit down.

700. - He is your Caucasian, yes.

701. - He is my Caucasian.

702. And a motherfucker.

703. So, we're on the ski lift

704. and it's shkiyat hachamah.

705. And according to Jewish law,

706. I'm not allowed to be with a man

707. alone after sundown,

708. so I asked him to jump.

709. And he refused, so I had to jump.

710. So, he refused to follow the tenets

711. of Jewish orthodoxy.

712. Oh, absolutely.

713. - Big time.

714. Please continue.

715. So, he comes upstairs

716. and he accuses me of clomping.

717. And I explained to him,

718. I have these shoes,

719. these heavy shoes that I wear

720. because my feet get cramped.

721. And they make noise.

722. I invite him in. I offer him a soda.

723. He took it, and it exploded,

724. and it got all over him,

725. and he got upset.

726. - Now it's...

727. - Mr. Fox...

728. Did you clomp on purpose?

729. A little bit.

730. And did you embellish

731. the shaking of the soda?

732. Yeah.

733. Thank you.

734. May I offer you some refreshment?

735. No, thank you. I pass, sir.

736. Pussy.

737. Larry, thank you

738. for all of the Seinfeld scripts

739. and memorabilia that you've donated

740. to our fundraisers.

741. - It's really...

742. - Yes.

743. It's made a lot of money

744. for the school.

745. So happy to do it.

746. And thank you for allowing me

747. to come in here today

748. and talk to you

749. about this young man who I adore.

750. - Yes, Eddie.

751. - Eddie, yes.

752. Eddie, yes.

753. - Right.

754. You know what?

755. I just feel like I'm ignoring you

756. all the way on that side.

757. I should be here

758. because sometimes women,

759. they're a little ultra-sensitive

760. about being ignored at these meetings.

761. "You don't talk to the woman,"

762. you know.

763. - Oh, no.

764. - That's not me. That's not me.

765. Wherever you want to sit is fine.

766. Please.

767. Okay, thank you. Thank you.

768. I actually would prefer

769. to sit over there, but, you know.

770. - Well, please.

771. - Feel free, Larry.

772. Okay, all right, okay. Thank you.

773. - All right, so!

774. - Eddie.

775. You know, I love this kid

776. like my own son.

777. - Mmm-hmm.

778. - Well, you know, like a nephew.

779. Actually, more like a foster child

780. who comes to your house,

781. and all of a sudden, you go,

782. "What the hell did I do?

783. I got, what am I, nuts?"

784. But, no, no, you grow to love them.

785. That's how I feel now.

786. It's, so, Bridget is Eddie's mother,

787. - and she's your girlfriend?

788. Girlfriend...

789. I don't know, but she does

790. have tampons in my house.

791. Okay, Mr. David, we just want

792. to get to the nature

793. of your relationship because...

794. We were happy

795. to do a favor for you, Larry.

796. - Sure.

797. - But...

798. We just wanna make sure

799. that it's just not a fling.

800. We're just interested in

801. where you see this relationship going.

802. Yeah, the relationship going.

803. I don't know.

804. You know, they're kind of tough.

805. You get involved with somebody,

806. and all of a sudden,

807. you got to check-in,

808. you got to report in,

809. you got to text them,

810. make those phone calls.

811. You go away for a weekend

812. with your friends on a trip to Vegas,

813. you come back, she says,

814. "Did you have fun?"

815. You got to lie, you gotta say,

816. "No, no, I didn't have fun.

817. "No, no, it wasn't fun at all.

818. Worst trip I ever made in my life."

819. Then she talks to one

820. of your friends and they say

821. they had a fantastic time.

822. She comes back to me,

823. she says, "Your friends

824. "said you had a great time."

825. And you go, "No, no,

826. they had a great time.

827. "I had a lousy time."

828. Uh...

829. In general, how are you

830. with commitments, relationships?

831. I can't sleep

832. in the same bed with anybody.

833. It's a horrible night's sleep.

834. You can't...

835. I'm off in a corner like this.

836. You know, 'cause I don't want

837. another body touching mine

838. when I'm trying to fall asleep.

839. And you can't turn this way

840. because then you get...

841. you got face-to-face.

842. You don't wanna do that

843. in the middle of the night.

844. Well, where do you see

845. the relationship going?

846. I see it going, hopefully, one day,

847. to the point where I'll let her sleep

848. in the guest room.

849. I'm shooting for that.

850. We just want to make sure

851. that Eddie is coming

852. - for the right reasons.

853. - Yes. Oh, well, yes.

854. And that you're in

855. a long-term, committed relationship.

856. Well, I can give you nine months.

857. - Um, that's...

858. - Well, no, I can give you...

859. I can give you nine months.

860. Nine happy months.

861. Then I can give you years and years

862. of being miserable.

863. But we'll be together.

864. Well, that's actually really what

865. we're looking to hear, Larry,

866. is that you are gonna be together

867. - for an extended amount of time.

868. - Absolutely.

869. At least while Eddie

870. is here at school.

871. Unless she gets sick or something,

872. in which case I'll...

873. I'll leave her quickly.

874. You could understand that.

875. I'm not gonna visit people

876. in the hospital.

877. I'm not crazy, you know.

878. Otherwise I adore this woman.

879. Excuse me.

880. - Hello.

881. - L.D., it's the Funk-Man.

882. Hey, I can't talk right now.

883. All right, I'll make it quick.

884. I can't host Cesar's pool party.

885. - What? Why?

886. Well, Marilyn wants us

887. to go to Catalina,

888. so I've got to do it.

889. I'm very disappointed.

890. And I'm sure Cesar will be, too.

891. And Little Cesar.

892. I don't know Little Cesar

893. and I don't really know Cesar.

894. But we still on for brunch Sunday?

895. I guess so.

896. Okay, I'll see you then.

897. All right. Good-bye.

898. So, Larry, um, again,

899. we're very happy you came in,

900. talked to us about Eddie.

901. I think things, um,

902. I think look pretty good.

903. We're very...

904. Could my handyman and his family

905. use your pool on Saturday?

906. - Hi.

907. - Hey.

908. - Same table.

909. - Is it?

910. - Champagne.

911. - Oh.

912. - This time we'll drink it.

913. What's the matter?

914. I just got off the phone

915. with the Pemberton Academy.

916. - What'd they say?

917. - Eddie didn't get in.

918. - He didn't get in?

919. - No.

920. Why?

921. Because of the condition

922. that your handyman and his family

923. left the Pemberton Academy pool.

924. What? What's the condition?

925. Befouled.

926. Little Cesar befouled the pool?

927. Why would you send them there?

928. Of all the pools in California?

929. I don't know, 'cause Little Cesar

930. wanted to use a pool.

931. I couldn't refuse Little Cesar.

932. Why do they have to use a pool at all?

933. Cesar flipped the tip on me

934. and, you know,

935. he wouldn't take the tip...

936. - Hi.

937. - ... so I was obligated to!

938. - Hello!

939. - More obligated than to... Hi.

940. - Hi.

941. - How are you?

942. What a day!

943. We just came back from Catalina.

944. - Oh. Heard that's beautiful.

945. - What a cruise!

946. - Dolphins!

947. - Great boat, beautiful.

948. - Magnificent.

949. - I think I got too much sun.

950. How are you guys doing?

951. Gosh, I am so sorry,

952. but I think I have to go.

953. Oh, no.

954. We just had a "go home" argument,

955. and I have to go.

956. Oh, no, no, no.

957. Don't do that. No, don't do that.

958. I just feel so upset. I'm not gonna be

959. able to rally for today.

960. - Thank you. You understand.

961. - Yeah.

962. - Thanks for trying.

963. - No. I'm sorry, no.

964. I'll see you, maybe, again,

965. but who can say?

966. - I might not.

967. - No, I'm sorry!

968. Enjoy the champagne.

969. - I'm sorry!

970. - Here we go.

971. Oh!

972. Mr. David, get in.

973. Get in the car?

974. What, where are we going?

975. I haven't even had brunch yet.

976. Get in.

977. Okay.

978. Oh, my God.

979. Go.

980. There was no reason for me

981. to get to the back of the line.

982. As I said, I had already waited,

983. and those

984. brunch buffet lines are interminable.

985. Yes, I am familiar

986. because they cook the eggs

987. while you wait.

988. And all I wanted...

989. Just a little bit more home fries.

990. Ah, yes, home fries.

991. A nice compliment to the eggs.

992. With ketchup?

993. Yes, of course.

994. So, it seems wrong to wait

995. 15 minutes just for that.

996. Yes, of course. Why even get them?

997. Exactly. So I took a chance.

998. But the outcry

999. was unlike anything

1000. you could ever imagine.

1001. You are perceived as a cutter.

1002. There's nothing Americans

1003. hate more than a cutter.

1004. - He is right.

1005. - It's true.

1006. You're right, Mufti. I was humiliated.

1007. But this man, he rose to my defense.

1008. He said I have every right

1009. to get seconds without waiting.

1010. He was forceful, passionate,

1011. and courageous.

1012. When the American

1013. blood sugar gets low,

1014. they turn into animals.

1015. It's very intimidating.

1016. - True.

1017. - I have seen it.

1018. Not this man.

1019. It was something to see.

1020. And that's why I come before you

1021. to beg you to reevaluate his case.

1022. I have read the report

1023. of your investigation

1024. with great interest.

1025. However, there are

1026. many things in his past

1027. which contradict his behavior

1028. in the restaurant.

1029. For example, this business about not

1030. giving out candy on Halloween.

1031. Surely that cannot be justified.

1032. With all due respect,

1033. he did give out candies.

1034. But the girls in question,

1035. they were teenagers.

1036. Much too old to be tricking.

1037. Tricking or treating?

1038. This is all so very confusing.

1039. Well, you play tricks

1040. if you don't get the treat

1041. is my understanding.

1042. Yes, I believe that is correct.

1043. - That is confusing.

1044. But the girls were 16.

1045. You don't trick when you're 16.

1046. That's not tricking, that's stealing.

1047. By denying them candy,

1048. he was teaching them a lesson.

1049. - True.

1050. - Yes.

1051. - Yes, yes.

1052. I see your point.

1053. Ah!

1054. Very good. Very good.

1055. Pass the plates, gentlemen.

1056. - Falafel. Yes, falafel.

1057. - Another falafel over here.

1058. - Kabob.

1059. - Kabob for me.

1060. - Onion rings. Yes.

1061. - French fries.

1062. But what about his values?

1063. His lust knows no bounds.

1064. He will have sexual congress

1065. with anyone, anytime.

1066. Including a Palestinian.

1067. What? Is this true?

1068. This is so?

1069. You know this for a fact?

1070. - Twice.

1071. - Twice!

1072. A Muslim woman?

1073. Yes, Mufti,

1074. she is a Muslim.

1075. Very interesting.

1076. This is new information.

1077. I will personally contact

1078. the ayatollah

1079. and let him know what we have learned.

1080. I can say without reservation

1081. that he will rescind the fatwa.

1082. - You are free to go.

1083. - Thank you, "Moofti"! "Muff-ti"!

1084. Thank you all,

1085. "moo-mooftis" and "muff-tis."

1086. Is it "muff-ti" or "moofti"?

1087. "Moofti."

1088. - "Moovti."

1089. Thank you, "Moovtis."

1090. Thank you so...

1091. But what about the musical?

1092. The musical "Fatwa!"?

1093. I will say this about the musical.

1094. If you can get Lin-Manuel Miranda,

1095. - you know, from Hamilton?

1096. - Yes. I love Hamilton.

1097. If you can get

1098. Lin-Manuel Miranda to star,

1099. you can proceed with the musical.

1100. How am I gonna get Lin-Manuel?

1101. He's got his own stuff he does.

1102. He's not gonna be in this.

1103. What are you doing with the ketchup?

1104. You used up all the ketchup!

1105. - I like ketchup.

1106. - Show some restraint.

1107. You're never going to eat all that.

1108. Is there a shortage of ketchup

1109. that I was not aware of?

1110. This is why I have been

1111. advocating for packets,

1112. but no one will listen!

1113. Now, that's a good idea.

1114. I cannot eat onion rings

1115. without ketchup.

1116. The whole snack is ruined!

1117. - Wait, don't go!

1118. - Please, no!

1119. How am I gonna get Lin-Manuel?

1120. - You're being a baby.

1121. - I have packets. I'll get packets.

1122. Thank you.

1123. Okay.

1124. - Here you are.

1125. - All right. Very nice.

1126. - All right.

1127. - Thank you so much for everything.

1128. I really appreciate it.

1129. Let me, before you go...

1130. No, no, no. No, no, I can't take that.

1131. - No.

1132. - Please, put it back.

1133. - I insist.

1134. - No, I cannot take this.

1135. - What? Come on, please.

1136. - I cannot take it.

1137. - Take the money. What?

1138. - No. You are going to...

1139. - You are offending me.

1140. - You're offending me!

1141. - Take it.

1142. - Stop making a big deal.

1143. - I'm not taking...

1144. - Look. Yeah, take it.

1145. - I don't want it. Yeah.

1146. - No! Take it back!

1147. I don't want it!

1148. I can't take that from you, sir!

1149. I will not take this tip, okay?

1150. Take the money!

1151. You ain't gonna flip a tip on me!