Curb Your Enthusiasm 9x7

1. And you feel a string pulling you up top,

2. and your feet planting you on the earth.

3. And raise your arms up.

4. If you can, look up.

5. Absorbing the energy of the room.

6. And come out of it.

7. Fantastic, yogis.

8. Now let's get down to the floor.

9. First, we'll start on our shoulders

10. and a little shoulder stand.

11. - Toes up to the sky... - I would fuck her. Damn!

12. - You like that? - Fucking love that shit.

13. Yeah.

14. And fold our legs over into plow.

15. And let's take one more breath together as a group.

16. Inhale.

17. Take one more sip of air,

18. and down to heart's center,

19. and namaste.

20. Namaste.

21. Thank you, yogis. See you tomorrow.

22. Thank you, yogi.

23. I wanted to do the downward dog.

24. That's my favorite one.

25. - You love that downward dog. - I'm a big dog.

26. - Excuse me. Larry, was it? - Yes.

27. Um, I just noticed that you didn't, uh,

28. namaste with the other yogis.

29. Yeah, not a namaste guy.

30. I don't participate in group activities.

31. You know, I don't sing the birthday song.

32. "Happy birthday to you", you know, so, you know.

33. Namaste means "the light within me

34. greets the light within you."

35. There is no light within me, that's the only problem there.

36. Well, why don't you try it? Why don't you just

37. try a little namaste and see how it feels?

38. I know how it's gonna feel.

39. I'm gonna feel like an idiot.

40. Well, no one's here now.

41. Why don't you just try it?

42. My third eye is watching.

43. That's not how the third eye works.

44. You know how the third eye works, huh?

45. - I've studied it for many years, yes. - Is that so?

46. Here, watch, here's what I think about the third eye.

47. - See? Look, I'm poking it. - That's disrespectful.

48. - Doesn't hurt at all. - It's... it's disrespectful.

49. - Look. Yeah, yeah. - It's disrespectful.

50. Just don't do that to your third eye.

51. I wouldn't do it to my two eyes, the real eyes.

52. Right, right. The third eye's real.

53. There's no... there's no imaginary eye there.

54. - Are you familiar with etiquette? - By the way,

55. - can I say something? - Mm-hmm.

56. It's really hot in here.

57. Well, it's hot yoga.

58. Does it have to be this hot?

59. I mean, it's, you know...

60. Larry, you're here to be

61. a part of our spiritual community.

62. No, I'm here because I have a bad hamstring.

63. If you're not gonna acknowledge the light within yourself,

64. then you can leave.

65. You can leave and you cannot come back.

66. Wow.

67. That's very "unyogi-ish" of you.

68. - Get the fuck out. - You just made my day.

69. Okay.

70. Namaste!

71. Guess whose number I got.

72. - Yogi Tina? - Yeah.

73. Nice!

74. Guess who just threw me out of class

75. and told me never to come back.

76. - Yogi Tina? - Yeah, Yogi Tina.

77. - Oh, what? - Yeah, kicked me out!

78. - The fuck did you do? - I wouldn't say namaste.

79. Man, you gotta say namaste, man.

80. Oh, get the fuck out of here. That's so stupid.

81. You know what, it's so goddamn hot in there, I don't care.

82. - That's what hot... - Man, what are you doing? I gotta back up.

83. Back the fuck up. You good!

84. - I can't see shit! - Leon: Fuckin... whoa!

85. What the... oh, shit!

86. Oh, fuck!

87. God damn it!

88. You see? You know what? This is all your fault!

89. You fiddled with the radio and the backup camera didn't work.

90. - You fucked up! - No, you fucked up!

91. No, no, no! You fucked up!

92. Don't blame me for that shit!

93. - Wow. - Oh, geez.

94. - You fucked this car up good. - Damn it.

95. Look at that.

96. That's bad.

97. What you gonna write?

98. I'm gonna tell them I'm sorry

99. and leave my name and, uh, number.

100. - What else can I do? - I wouldn't write shit!

101. Just drive the fuck off!

102. I'm not gonna do that!

103. I follow the golden rule, okay?

104. "Do unto others as you'd have others do unto you."

105. - The golden rule. - I follow the golden rule, too.

106. My friend Jasper's golden.

107. "Fuck them or they'll fuck you."

108. - Mm-hmm. - Interesting rule.

109. Yeah.

110. Thankfully, Victor's doing better, so the wedding's on.

111. - The wedding is happening. - Wow. Oh, boy.

112. - What? - I would be a little concerned

113. - if it was my daughter. - Well, you know,

114. there's no accounting for who's attracted to...

115. look, I'm attracted to Jeff.

116. Go figure that one.

117. Or, oh,

118. listen to this...

119. speaking of taste.

120. I have a friend who asked us a favor

121. if I could set her up with you.

122. What? What's this?

123. - Yes. Yes. - Really?

124. Now I told her... I read her chapter on verse

125. on what an asshole you are,

126. and what a horrible idea,

127. but she would hear none of it.

128. She wants to go out with you.

129. Do-does she know about the fatwa?

130. Yeah, and guess what?

131. That turned her on!

132. Hmm. Is she good-looking?

133. Yeah, very pretty.

134. Like to see a picture.

135. You want to see a picture?

136. Who the fuck are you to ask for a picture of anybody?

137. Y-you are on an Uber rating,

138. you're like a... a two.

139. - A two? - On a good day. On a good day!

140. - Fuck you! A two, okay? - Yeah.

141. Yeah.

142. I'm a four, baby!

143. - I'm an Uber four. - You are so delusional.

144. - I'm delusional? - Yes!

145. Let me tell you something, if I was a two,

146. I would kill myself.

147. I... I could not live on this planet as a two.

148. Hi, Jeffy.

149. - Hey. - Hey.

150. Did you call your friend about the... about the car?

151. - It's good to have a mechanic as a friend. - Sorry about that.

152. You know this Bridget friend of hers?

153. Yeah.

154. - She good looking? - Bridget? Beautiful.

155. - Really? - Beautiful.

156. Great girl.

157. Great sense of humor.

158. He would be lucky to have her, I'll tell you that much.

159. And she lucky to have him.

160. That's... that's the pal!

161. What's wrong with you?

162. I... I tried to talk her out of it.

163. I got, uh, my friend Larry.

164. All right, I'm gonna put you on speakerphone. All right.

165. - Hey, Greg. - Hey, what's going on?

166. Oh, not much.

167. How is it, uh, we've never met?

168. Why is Jeff keeping us apart?

169. I have no clue.

170. He said nothing but wonderful things about you.

171. I feel like I know you already.

172. Yeah, he's told me a lot about you, too.

173. Yeah, how's it going?

174. Anyway, this car, I...

175. something happened to my fender or bumper or whatever.

176. I banged into someone, and, uh,

177. - can I bring it over? - Absolutely.

178. Bring it by now, as a matter of fact,

179. and we can have it hammered out maybe

180. in the next couple days.

181. Wow, okay. Great.

182. - Doesn't even do that for me. - Huh.

183. All right, I'll see you soon. Thank you.

184. - No problem. - The... the picture.

185. - Can we get the picture going? - What picture?

186. What, of Bridget? You're not getting a fucking picture.

187. - Trust me. - You know, can I just say, Larry...

188. - Trust me. - ... not only is she a beautiful woman,

189. but more important, inner beauty.

190. That I'm not interested in.

191. - Asshole. - Yeah.

192. - All right. - See you later.

193. - Oh, hey. - How you doing?

194. - I'm looking for Greg. - Ah, I'm Greg.

195. - Oh, hey, L-Larry. Jeff's friend. - Oh!

196. - We, uh... we talked on the phone. - On the phone, yeah, yeah.

197. - How you doing? Nice to meet you. - Eh, you're black.

198. - Ye... yes. - Ah.

199. Yes, I'm... is that a problem?

200. - No, of course not. - Okay, good.

201. Just surprised Jeff didn't mention it.

202. Why would he have to mention it?

203. Eh, because most white people with black friends

204. like to show off about it, that's all.

205. Well, I can see I've offended you.

206. That... b-believe me, that wasn't my intention.

207. - Ah, well. - Yeah, I'm not, uh...

208. I'm not prejudiced in any way...

209. I... I get it.

210. towards any group, except my own, of course.

211. All right, uh, we've gotten off on the wrong foot, obviously.

212. Um, let's talk about the car.

213. - Yes, let's. Okay. - Okay.

214. There's a problem with the, uh,

215. the fender, like I said, yeah.

216. Ah, well, that's a bumper.

217. And yes, there's a problem with it.

218. All right, so, um, how long you think it'll take?

219. You know, we'll call you.

220. I don't... yeah. We'll call you.

221. Any loaners?

222. Nope.

223. All right.

224. I'll call an Uber.

225. Again, sorry if I, uh, offended you in any way.

226. You know what...

227. Okay.

228. All right. Okay, yeah.

229. You have, uh, water an chewing gums, if you like.

230. Yeah? Well, that's very nice of you.

231. - Where you from? - I am from Romania.

232. - Romania? - Yeah.

233. Ah. Bucharest?

234. Ah, you know Bucharest?

235. Yeah, you like that, huh?

236. - I know my geography. - Very nice. You do.

237. Yeah, most people would say Budapest.

238. - Yeah. - So, let me ask you a question.

239. I was having a little dispute with my friend,

240. um, as to what my Uber rating would be, looks-wise,

241. from a scale of one to five.

242. If you were gonna fix me up with your sister...

243. - do you have a sister? - I do.

244. Okay, so if you were gonna fix me up with her,

245. what, uh... what would you rate me looks-wise?

246. - Just curious. - One to five?

247. Yeah.

248. Okay, I am very honest.

249. I am an honest person.

250. So I will be honest with you.

251. You are a two.

252. - A two? - Two.

253. - You gotta be kidding. - You are older.

254. - You have few hairs. - Two?

255. - Yes. - I'm not a two, okay, buddy?

256. - I'm not a two. - You live in a fantasy world.

257. What do you think you are? What do you think you are?

258. - Four. - A four?

259. - Yeah, four. - A four? I am a three.

260. - How can you be a four? - You're a three?

261. Of course. I am honest.

262. I know, my face is average.

263. I drive Uber. I'm a three.

264. Well, I completely disagree.

265. Anyway, you know, you're from one of the most

266. unattractive countries, you know, on the planet.

267. No, you don't know what..

268. - ..you're talking about, okay? - It's all skewed

269. 'cause all you've seen are unattractive people your entire life.

270. So I have to take it with a grain of salt.

271. Excuse me, have you ever been to the beaches in Mamaia?

272. Have you seen the women on the beaches in... no, you have not.

273. - Well... - They're some of the most beautiful..

274. in all of Europe.

275. Oh, don't... please, don't make me laugh.

276. You're thinking, maybe, of mountain women.

277. Okay? I am not talking about mou...

278. I'm talking about lowland women.

279. Women of the plains. The most beautiful in all of Europe.

280. - In Romania. - Okay.

281. - Okay. - Yeah.

282. - Hello? - Larry?

283. - Yeah? - This is Justin Brown.

284. - You, uh... you hit my car. - Oh, yeah, yeah.

285. I'm, uh... I'm awfully sorry.

286. Uh, obviously you got my note.

287. No, I guessed your number. Yeah, I got your note.

288. Look, I really wish you had hung around and stayed.

289. This is, uh... this is something

290. that could've been resolved far earlier.

291. Well, uh, again, I apologize.

292. It was an accident.

293. Uh, don't I get any credit for the note?

294. No, you get zero credit for leaving a note.

295. Anyone knows to leave a note.

296. A real person would've hung around

297. and dealt with this in person.

298. It was an accident.

299. Next time, I won't leave a note.

300. - How 'bout that? - Look, Larry,

301. you seem like a complete garbage person.

302. How are you gonna pay for this, asshole?

303. Okay, fuckface, I'll tell you what.

304. I will text you my address.

305. We don't need to go through insurance.

306. And, uh, we'll set up a time.

307. You'll come over and I'll give you a check.

308. - How's that? - Fine, but I'm getting

309. an estimate from the dealer.

310. All right, I-I've had enough of you.

311. Goodbye.

312. Fucking asshole.

313. Hey, could you do me a favor?

314. It's about 900 degrees in here.

315. Could... could you turn the heat down a little bit?

316. - I'm starting to sweat. - No.

317. So, I play with Jeff

318. and a few other guys most weekends.

319. At the... at the country club?

320. - That's so cute. - Yeah.

321. Country club. That's an odd-sounding word.

322. Isn't that what it is, though? To be honest.

323. What do you call it? You try to, like,

324. make it seem less fancy.

325. - At the, uh... - Uh, golf place.

326. Yeah, yeah at the playground. I meet some of my friends.

327. - Yeah. - Yeah.

328. That's very funny.

329. - You're kind of funny. - Oh, wow.

330. Yeah, I think we're having kind of a good date here, don't you think?

331. - I told Susie... - Yeah.

332. and, boy, did she try to talk me out of it, but...

333. She's not a... not a big fan of mine.

334. I think the nicest thing she called you was quirky.

335. All she told me about you was you're an NBC censor.

336. Yes.

337. I see a lot of dirty words.

338. - I'll bet. - It's amazing what, you know...

339. what they try to get away with.

340. Yeah? Like what?

341. They try to get the penises in,

342. and the pussy.

343. Wet pussy, tight pussy, hot pussy.

344. You know, cock, balls, tits.

345. You know, and after a while,

346. at the end of the day, I just...

347. I just give it to them.

348. - Yeah. - You know?

349. I can't fight off the penis forever.

350. - Just let it in. - Yeah.

351. Let it just slip right in.

352. Okay.

353. What a fantastic date.

354. - Not one pause, not one low. - No.

355. The conversations just move and move.

356. Great.

357. In fact, if I were to go home

358. and get a phone call from a friend, okay?

359. - You... you be my friend. Go ahead. - Okay.

360. Larry, hey, I heard you went out on a date.

361. - How was it? - Oh, fantastic.

362. Really? Fantastic?

363. - Really fantastic. - Wow.

364. - Really like her a lot. - Oh!

365. Not kidding. And you know what?

366. She wears glasses.

367. I love glasses on a woman.

368. Oh, she's... she's pretty and smart, sexy.

369. Oh, I'm really a little... I'm quite...

370. I'm a little smitten. I'm a little smitten.

371. Larry, I haven't heard you s...

372. - talk this way in a long time. - Yes. I know, I know.

373. - I really like this woman. - I'm happy for you.

374. You know, a couple of things.

375. Of course, nobody's perfect.

376. She... she has a strange way

377. of holding silverware like a pencil.

378. She holds it like a pencil. That I've never seen before.

379. That's annoying.

380. Yeah, and she keeps the window open in the car.

381. Ugh, air.

382. You know, my... the big question tonight was,

383. "Well, how am I gonna end it? How am I gonna..."

384. Mm-hmm.

385. - "... am I gonna make a move?" - Mmm.

386. Moves, they're tough. How do you do it?

387. It's a very difficult thing.

388. Wow. So, uh, what happened?

389. - Well, I went in for a... a kiss. - Yeah.

390. You know, and...

391. Who are you?

392. Oh!

393. Ah. Hi.

394. Larry, this is my son Eddie, that I was telling you about.

395. - Yeah. - I didn't think you were up.

396. Eddie, this is our friend Larry.

397. - Hey. - Why is Mom going out with you?

398. Oh...

399. Yeah, no, that's a very good question, Eddie.

400. Very good question. I don't know.

401. Your head is so shiny.

402. Okay, honey. Now, come on.

403. How 'bout a... go grab a snack.

404. - I'm getting a donut. - No, get something healthy.

405. And then her son came down...

406. - So... - ... and he insulted me.

407. You know, and that was the end of the night, pretty much.

408. - I'm sorry. - Ah, no sweat.

409. He, um...

410. he has Asperger's.

411. Ah, Asperger.

412. - Yeah, he's on the spectrum. - Wow. Spectrum?

413. - Mm-hmm. - Why are these chocolate sprinkles?

414. On the spectrum?

415. - Mm-hmm. - I only eat rainbow sprinkles!

416. I'm so sorry, but I gotta...

417. - Yeah. Yeah. - Ca-call me.

418. - Okay? M'kay. - Oh, sure, yeah.

419. Hey, it was really fun.

420. Yeah. Nice. Okay.

421. You'll... you'll find the door.

422. I'm coming, honey.

423. Why didn't you tell me he was black?

424. What does it matter?

425. No, it doesn't matter at all.

426. You know, 'cause when I got there,

427. I was surprised and I blurted something out

428. and the whole thing was a disaster.

429. - What did you blurt out? - I said I didn't know you were black.

430. - Why'd you do that? - Because I was surprised.

431. What were you surprised about?

432. Because he didn't sound black on the phone, okay?

433. - Where's Susie? - Upstairs.

434. I do know what he's talking about.

435. So stupid.

436. Oh, Jesus Christ! What are you doing up here?

437. This is upstairs. You don't come upstairs in somebody's house.

438. - W-why? What's so special about... - This is my boudoir!

439. It's off-limits!

440. Off-limits!

441. Would Mrs. Cleaver

442. talk that way to Eddie Haskell

443. if he came upstairs to her... to her bedroom?

444. Oh, I think so.

445. Mrs. Cleaver hated Eddie Haskell

446. 'cause Eddie Haskell was a kiss-ass,

447. obsequious, little shit.

448. I think he had access to the house.

449. But that's because the boys were upstairs.

450. Okay, so all I'm asking for is Haskell-access.

451. I want the same... I want the same privileges as Eddie Haskell!

452. - Okay, number one... - Is that asking too much?

453. What are you doing here anyway?

454. Why didn't you tell me

455. that her kid had...

456. - you know. - What?

457. Ass... Ass...

458. - What? - Asper...

459. - Asperger's. Yeah, what about it? - Asperger's.

460. - Why didn't I tell you? - Yeah, why didn't you tell me?

461. Wha... why should I have told you?

462. - You could've mentioned it. - I set you up on a date.

463. You should be lucky that I even did that for you.

464. - So, how did it go? - Pretty damn good.

465. Really like her.

466. - Good. - What she say about me?

467. She had a good time.

468. - That's it? - Mm, she li... yeah.

469. - What? - She... she's had a good time.

470. - That's all she said? - That's all she said.

471. I'll tell you what.

472. I was about to make a move on the couch...

473. Yeah?

474. and that little prick son ruined it for me.

475. Aw. My heart is breaking.

476. All right, go! Just leave.

477. Okay, but I can't get home.

478. The Uber's not picking me up, for some reason.

479. Yeah, well, walk. Get the fuck out! Go now!

480. Has Jeff seen you in those curlers of late?

481. Get! Out! Out! Out!

482. Oh, what a fucking asshole.

483. Oh, finally.

484. The hell is this?

485. - This an Uber? - UberX.

486. Took quite a while.

487. Okay.

488. - Am I wrong? - Kind of took a gamble picking you up

489. - with that one-star rating. - What?

490. Yeah.

491. You know, usually I, uh...

492. I pick up four, five stars.

493. I know they're gonna be responsible,

494. respectful of the car,

495. not be a problem.

496. - But... - One star?

497. I'm not one star.

498. - I'm a five. - You might feel like a five,

499. but Uber says you're a one, buddy.

500. Holy shit.

501. Four other stars next to it,

502. not filled in.

503. The Romanian!

504. - The Romanian? - The Romanian.

505. Gave me... he gave me a one and took me down from a five to a one.

506. One-Star Larry is really,

507. - uh... really not a popular guy. - All right. Okay.

508. Man.

509. What the hell is going on in here?

510. - Phew. - Huh? It's 92 degrees.

511. You're damn right it's 92 degrees.

512. Tina came over.

513. - Who? - Yogi Tina.

514. Like that shit hot.

515. - Where is she? - Fuck you think she's at?

516. She's up there fuckin' recuperating.

517. What are you doing in my house?

518. I'm in here fuckin' at 92 degrees.

519. - What? You're what? - That's what the fuck's going on.

520. Why are you having sex in my house?

521. - Because... - You got a guest house back there.

522. - I can't fuck... - Huh?

523. at 92 degrees in my room

524. 'cause my room won't get hot enough.

525. - Okay, well you... - It gets hot in here.

526. Well, you already did it, right?

527. - Now get out. - No, I did part one.

528. I didn't do part two or three yet.

529. Okay, there's not gonna be a part two or three, okay?

530. - There's always a part two and three. - No, no, no. No!

531. I'm not gonna sit here and leave her at fuckin' part one.

532. Well, why is it 92 degrees?

533. She's a yoga instructor. She likes hot yoga.

534. Oh, so she likes hot sex and hot yoga, is that it?

535. That's fuckin' right. That's what the fuck she does.

536. I want you out of the house.

537. I don't want some post-sex guy walking around my house, okay?

538. - Now get out. - First of all,

539. there's nothing wrong with people having

540. the scent of... of fuck on their body.

541. I don't like the scent of fuck, okay?

542. Sue me. I don't like fuck scent.

543. All right, look, uh, some guy named Greg called for you.

544. He said your car's gonna be ready in three weeks.

545. Three weeks? On the phone, he said a couple of days.

546. Oh, wow.

547. Well, di-did he sound like he was ticked off?

548. No, he just sounded like some random black dude

549. who's calling about your car.

550. - How do you know he's black? - I know how black people sound.

551. - You could tell that guy was black? - Fuck, yeah, instantly.

552. - Wow. - Three words. Bam.

553. Jews, I could tell within, like, a minute.

554. - Man or woman. - Of course, 'cause you're Jewish.

555. You... you give me two minutes, and I could tell you

556. if they're reform or conservative.

557. Hmm... Uh-oh.

558. Somebody recuperated.

559. Oh, well, well, well.

560. - Look who's here. - Hello, Larry.

561. How's the temperature? Is it to your liking?

562. It's the optimal temperature for climaxing.

563. Oh, is it?

564. Ha, ha, is it?

565. You... are gonna have to leave.

566. - Such hospitality. - Feels good?

567. Namaste.

568. Okay. Now get the fuck out.

569. I'm still gonna nama-stick-it-in-her.

570. Tell you that.

571. Hold on. Hold on, baby.

572. Let me talk to you real quick.

573. - It's right over there. - That looks nice.

574. - Why are we going to this place? - Because...

575. - It stinks. - Highly recommended.

576. They better have a cheeseburger, no condiments.

577. - I don't like condiments. - Is that so?

578. - Hey, look at that guy. - Yeah, look at that guy.

579. Wow.

580. Free.

581. He'll be fine once we get to the restaurant.

582. - Uh... - So...

583. Huh.

584. - Thank you. - Bye.

585. - Well, well. - Thank you.

586. - Hey, you know what? - What?

587. I'll be right back.

588. Oh, come on.

589. A one?

590. You gave me a one?

591. - Honestly. - I don't like the way you spoke to me.

592. You insulted...

593. you insulted the lowland women of my country, okay?

594. - You are asking me to set you up with... - Let's be honest about it.

595. They're not the most attractive group...

596. You have... you've never seen...

597. you want me to pull up pictures for you?

598. I've seen plenty of pictures of Romanian women.

599. And the Bulgarians, and the Hungarians.

600. No beauties. Come on.

601. First of all,

602. do you hear yourself talking?

603. You are the rudest person I've ever met.

604. You are an angry person, okay?

605. And you ask me to change the heat...

606. Who's angry? You're the one who's angry, not me.

607. - You're angry. - You are making me angry, my friend.

608. I am not the one insulting your culture, your country, your women.

609. I gave you a five. I gave you a five.

610. Of course, because I gave you nice service.

611. I take you where you want to go, quickest route.

612. Okay, look, look, I wanna ask you a favor, okay?

613. I can't get Ubers now on account of you,

614. so I want you to change the rating.

615. Oh, change the rating?

616. - Yeah. - Okay.

617. You want me to go into the algorithm and change it?

618. Sure. Oh, no problem. Of course.

619. Let me just open a programming window on my phone

620. and enter some code for you.

621. What are you writing over there?

622. I'm just entering some notes for other drivers.

623. - What is that? - Don't worry.

624. I wanna see what you're writing.

625. - Get out of my car. - Give me that cell phone.

626. I'm not giving you my cell phone.

627. Don't touch my cell phone.

628. All right, you know what?

629. I'm changing my rating of you.

630. From a five to a zero.

631. - Okay, try it. Take your phone out. - Okay. Yeah, I will try it.

632. Go ahead because Uber ratings are final, my friend.

633. - They're final? - They are final.

634. You know what I regret the most?

635. When I said to you, "If you were gonna

636. fix me up with your sister,

637. - what Uber rating would you give me?" - Yeah.

638. I would never go out with your sister

639. under any circumstances.

640. My sister would not look at a picture of you.

641. - She's a gorgeous Romanian woman. - Gorgeous Romanian?

642. That's an oxymoron.

643. - Gorgeous Romanian. - That's it.

644. - No, what? Hey! - You think that I'm gonna...

645. say something about my sister again!

646. And I'm telling you,

647. I don't think Bridget's kid has Asperger's.

648. I swear to God, I just think he's an asshole.

649. - The kid's an asshole. - I know a lot of people with Asperger's, I do.

650. Not a lot, but I know some.

651. And you know what, they're delightful people.

652. This kid, I'm betting you're right.

653. - Asshole. - I think so.

654. You know, to be honest with you,

655. I'm gonna start telling people that you're on the spectrum.

656. I could be.

657. Any bad behavior can be written off as what?

658. - Spectrum. - Spectrum.

659. Hello, hello, hello.

660. It's hot as fuckin' hell in there, Larry.

661. Well, I know. The... the heating's broken.

662. And the heating guy's here. He's fixing it.

663. That's why we're sitting out here.

664. Oh, all right. Well, listen,

665. I'm going around to all my friends

666. and I'm giving them these sample baskets.

667. So maybe you could give this one to Bridget.

668. So... so what did she say about me?

669. Come on, give me... give me a little something.

670. Huh? What do you got?

671. - What'd she say? - She said to me...

672. - Yeah. - ... that she thinks you're terrific.

673. There you go! Now you're talking!

674. - You like her? - I do.

675. But that prick son is driving me crazy.

676. Ugh, you know what, you've never had children.

677. Every single time you deal with a woman with kids,

678. you have a problem.

679. I suggest you foster a kid.

680. - Okay. I'll go... - It'll make you a better man.

681. I'll go down to the pound today.

682. I'll go down... I'll go down to the foster pound.

683. Would you come with me to the foster pound?

684. Always looking forward for a trip to the foster pound.

685. - Oh, it is so hot in there. - Yeah, I know.

686. Yeah, it's, like, stuck on 92 degrees.

687. - I know. - Yeah.

688. It's much nicer out here.

689. So what do you think? How's it looking?

690. Well, we're running a system diagnostics test

691. and, uh, you know, we'll have our answer soon.

692. Do you specialize more in heating than air-conditioning?

693. Oh, we do both... heat and AC.

694. If I called you up and said I have a particular problem,

695. would you prefer if I said heating or air-conditioning?

696. - I have no preference. - No preference at all?

697. No preference at all. You know, they're like... you know, it's like children.

698. Okay, like children. Say you had a "Sophie's Choice."

699. You have two children, heating and air-conditioning.

700. You have to pick one, the one you had an infinity for,

701. and the other one goes into the concentration camp.

702. Which one... which one you gonna keep?

703. Heat. Go with heat.

704. So air conditioning's going to the concentration camp.

705. going to the concentration camp, but heat is saved.

706. You know, our AC isn't working that well either.

707. - Ah, it's from Bridget. - Wow.

708. What she see's in him, I have no idea.

709. Hey. Hey. How long is this gonna take?

710. - I... you gotta get this done quickly. - Yeah, I got some bad news.

711. You got a broken part, and it's gonna take about three days.

712. - I don't have it on the truck. Yeah. - What? Three days?

713. Y-you were so confident outside.

714. - You said you got it done. - Mm-hmm, yeah.

715. - You said you were a heat guy. - I... I am a heat guy.

716. What you have is a cooling problem.

717. - Cooling? - Yeah.

718. You sent the cooling kid to the concentration camp.

719. Okay, it's not a kid, okay?

720. It's chlorofluorocarbons.

721. Okay, they're not... they're not children.

722. I did not send a child to a concentration camp.

723. Yeah, you know, I was gonna consummate.

724. I had a window open to consummate.

725. Now the window's closed.

726. - No consummation. - Why is it closed?

727. Well, I'm not gonna have sex in a 92-degree room.

728. You get all sweaty. There's... it's disgusting.

729. The sweat's on the sheets, I have to take my shirt off.

730. I'm not gonna have sex with my shirt off.

731. You don't take your shirt off during sex?

732. - No, I don't... no. - I take my shirt off while I'm kissing.

733. I love it. I get completely free.

734. All right. I... I don't really know your name.

735. You don't have one of those little tags on...

736. - No, we don't wear tags. - I'll take a guess.

737. - Uh, Bob? - It's Bill.

738. All right, Bill, uh, let's not talk about this anymore.

739. All right, I'm sorry, you brought it up.

740. Yeah, I did. I... I gotta text her

741. and tell her we can't... she can't come over.

742. I got it.

743. I'm here for my money, Lar...

744. oh, my God.

745. I'm Justin. My car was the one,

746. uh, damaged, um...

747. I'm sorry, I didn't kno... I didn't know you were black.

748. - Does it matter? - No. God, no.

749. No, like, that could literally not matter less.

750. Yeah, uh, um,

751. you know, this is the estimate I got from the dealership,

752. but, uh, it seems high.

753. And, uh, like, the car, it wasn't...

754. You know, why don't...

755. why don't I just take care of this?

756. We'll, uh... we'll call this one good.

757. I'm... I'm really sorry for the misunderstanding.

758. Anyway, uh, thank you for leaving a note.

759. That was really considerate. Thank you.

760. - My man. - My man. Thank you.

761. - We good. - Yeah. Yeah. I'm sorry about...

762. - I'm gonna go ahead and take care. - Yeah, yeah, we good.

763. okay.

764. Wow.

765. - Huh? - Look at that.

766. - That was beautiful. - That was nice.

767. - White people. - Hey, man, white people.

768. Gotta love 'em. Namaste.

769. Namaste up in this mother fucker.

770. Hey, Greg.

771. Ah... hey, Larry.

772. Yeah, um...

773. I just came to apologize

774. for the other day.

775. Thing is that I didn't m...

776. tell you was that I have Asperger's.

777. You have Asperger's? Ah.

778. Jeff never mentioned anything, I'm so sorry.

779. Why would he need to?

780. Well, no, no, no, I... he doesn't need to.

781. You... you're right. I'm sorry.

782. Um, how bad is it?

783. Is... I mean, how mild or?

784. No, I'm on the, uh... I'm on the spectrum.

785. You know, I have no... I have no filter.

786. I say whatever comes into my head.

787. You know, I have trouble making eye contact.

788. I... I get it. I... you know what?

789. We'll have the car ready for you tomorrow.

790. It's just a ding. Free of charge.

791. What? What? What?

792. - Yeah, again, I apologize so much. - Yeah, yeah.

793. - Tomorrow. Yeah. - Sorry.

794. He said he's sorry. He's sorry.

795. I... I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

796. Yeah, he's really sorry. He's sorry.

797. Car will be ready when?

798. - Tomorrow. - Tomorrow.

799. - Free. - S-see you tomorrow.

800. Tomorrow.

801. - T-t... yeah, tomorrow. - Yeah.

802. - Tomorrow. - Tomorrow, tomorrow.

803. - Yeah, okay. - You need a ride?

804. No, I'm a... I'm a good driver.

805. I'm a good driver.

806. - Nice to be out, isn't it? - I love this shit.

807. - Out of that hot house? - You can't take that shit.

808. You a Anglo-Anglo motherfucker.

809. You know?

810. Your body's not used to that kind of temperature.

811. - The fuck is it? - Bridget.

812. - The... the NBC censor. - Yeah, yeah.

813. I haven't had sex with her yet. She invited me over to her house.

814. - We got an hour. - Oh, man.

815. - I got an hour window. - An hour's a good fuck window.

816. Fuck, I don't have a car.

817. I need to borrow your car.

818. - Mm-mmm. - What?

819. You ain't borrowing my car.

820. - Why not? - I got a date.

821. You're not gonna give me your car?

822. No! You're not getting my fucking car.

823. No, no, no. Use the guest house.

824. - The guest house? - Use that shit, man.

825. That scum-shack?

826. You think I'm gonna go in there?

827. - Are you crazy? - Scum-shack?

828. There must have been 10,000 ejaculations

829. in that place in just two years.

830. That means that room is broken in.

831. It's ready. It's prime and ready to fuck.

832. Okay, fuck that. All right, I'll tell you what.

833. Okay, I'll tell you what.

834. I... I can't do Uber,

835. so just get... get me an Uber.

836. - No, fuck that. - What?

837. You gonna bring my rating down.

838. I'm a good five right now.

839. - I'm a five. - No, no, you a fuckin' one.

840. Yeah, well, that's 'cause one idiot changed it to a one.

841. - No, no, no, no. - That doesn't mean anything.

842. You don't know how to respect people.

843. - You're a cocksucker. - Fuck that.

844. - I'm gonna take a bus. - Yeah, you do that.

845. - You a cocksucker! - Hey!

846. And your friendship rating just went down!

847. Hey! Hey!

848. Hey! No, no, no.

849. Oh, come on. Op-open the door!

850. Does this go to Olympic and Hauser?

851. - Not all the way. You gotta transfer. - Transfer?

852. What are you sitting in the middle for?

853. Why don't you move over one?

854. Okay, or whatever you're saying,

855. but it's... it's a little strange.

856. I've never seen a person sit in the middle.

857. It's like using the middle urinal.

858. You know it's odd, I... I'm not sure if you can understand me or not just...

859. No, no, you go over there.

860. No, you sit there. No, no.

861. Sir?

862. Olympic and Hauser?

863. I'm supposed to go to, um... sir?

864. I'm supposed to go to, uh, Olympic and Hauser.

865. Yeah, well, that's easy, man.

866. Get off at the La Cienega stop.

867. You got a couple options.

868. Okay, will you tell me when that's, uh...

869. - when that's coming up? - I'm not your babysitter.

870. Figure it out.

871. This bus is a very cold, unforgiving place.

872. I don't like it one bit.

873. Does this go to Olympic and Hauser?

874. Mm-hmm.

875. There you go.

876. - To transfer, right? - Yup.

877. - Huh. Yeah, I did it. - All right, you did it,

878. but can you do me a favor and get

879. behind the yellow line for your safety?

880. - Thank you. - Could you do me a favor

881. and maybe go a little faster than you normally might?

882. I... I cannot do you that favor.

883. Yellows. If there's anyway that... to ignore the yellows.

884. Sir, I'm not ignoring any yellows.

885. - I... I understand but people... - Have a seat. Have a seat.

886. People pay a little too much attention to yellows and...

887. I am driving this bus. I don't wanna hear no more back talk.

888. - There's not another route? - Sit down!

889. - There is not another route. - Hey, shush down here for a second.

890. I got some personal business.

891. You gonna make me crazy now.

892. Do you wanna drive this bus, sir?

893. - Is that an option? - No, it's not an option.

894. I'ma need you to go and sit the hell down.

895. This is danger. Come and sit!

896. Hey, this is none of your business, okay?

897. Just... just take it easy. I... I've got a...

898. - Sit down! - Sit down!

899. Sit your ass down!

900. Get behind the yellow line and sit down.

901. Shit.

902. - You no listen! - You clipped a mirror.

903. No shit, Sherlock.

904. What's going on? What are you doing?

905. - I gotta pull over. - What? Pull over?

906. - Are you kidding? Why? - Yeah. I have to leave a note.

907. - A note? Oh, no, that's a terrible mistake. - Yes.

908. Terrible. People don't appreciate them anyway.

909. - I'm telling you the truth. - You know, this is some bullshit.

910. The whole reason I hit this car

911. is because you was up here... yack, yack, yack...

912. talking in my ear, "Go through the yellow light.

913. - Faster. Go. Go." - I didn't do anything.

914. - Hey, will you sit down, please? - Hey, you know what?

915. You bus people are starting to get on my nerves, okay?

916. That's it. Get the fuck off the bus!

917. Hey, take... wha-what... hey, what are you doing?

918. No, you... I...

919. I have Asperger's! I'm on the spectrum!

920. - Ah! - Get.

921. If I see you on my bus again, I'm a fuck you up.

922. Okay.

923. - Oh, Leon! - Yeah, come on, now.

924. Come on, now! Whoo!

925. - Ooh! Yeah. - Right there.

926. - Yeah, yeah, here it come. - Oh!

927. - Oh, yeah. - Yeah, yeah.

928. - Oh, my... - Take that, take that.

929. Oh, yeah.

930. - Oh, God. - Ooh!

931. - Here we go! - Oh my, God!

932. Oh, my Gawd!

933. - Oh! Yeah! - Do I hear a Jew?

934. I'm not gonna do that!

935. Come on. I can't look at that.

936. Sorry, what's your problem?

937. No one wants to see this.

938. Two people aren't allowed to be happy?

939. Well, you're allowed to be happy but not in front of me.

940. Quite an expensive bottle of champagne I wound up paying for.

941. You wanted to live it up!

942. You said, "Let's live it up."

943. I would never live it up. I live it down, I don't live it up.

944. Mom, you're still dating this guy?

945. - Yes, and I... - Yes, and she's enjoying it very much.

946. Are you two having sex?

947. - That's... mommy's business. - It's not really your business.

948. But to tell you the truth, it's imminent.