Curb Your Enthusiasm 9x6

1. No hanky-panky, Mr. Beshraavi,

2. from man or bird.

3. Believe him, Nejim. He means it.

4. He said he'd kill me.

5. Get him, Mustafa.

6. - Attention...

7. - Hey, hold that door! Hold that door!

8. - ... for flight 83...

9. - Flight 3... What? Hold the door!

10. - I'm so sorry.

11. - That's my flight to Los Angeles!

12. - I'm so sorry. You just missed it.

13. - I'm on that flight.

14. - Look, I made the plane, I'm here!

15. - You were so close...

16. - What?

17. - But unfortunately, the door is locked

18. - and closed.

19. - You're not letting me on the plane?

20. I know it's frustrating,

21. but once the door closes, that's it.

22. Federal regulations.

23. I got caught up

24. watching this movie in the hotel,

25. Arabesque, with Sophia Loren

26. and Gregory Peck.

27. - Mmm-hmm.

28. - Please let me in here.

29. It's so ridiculous.

30. There's the plane right there.

31. But, really, it's as if

32. the plane's not there.

33. Are you a magician?

34. - No, but the door is locked.

35. - I see the plane.

36. If you're doing a trick,

37. it's not a good trick.

38. I'm trying my best to accommodate you.

39. It doesn't seem like it.

40. You're not golden-ruling it.

41. You're not doing unto others

42. as you would have others do unto you.

43. Unfortunately, the golden rule is not

44. a federal regulation.

45. Golden rule trumps everything.

46. Golden rule's on top,

47. federal law is second.

48. Good news. We do have one seat left

49. on the next available flight.

50. - First class?

51. - No, but it's an aisle seat,

52. which is kind of a miracle.

53. So, you do have a little time

54. to enjoy our amazing mall here.

55. - We have a Wetzel's Pretzels...

56. - A Wetzel's Pretzels.

57. I can't wait to chomp into one

58. of those Wetzel's Pretzels.

59. They're delicious.

60. - Good afternoon. Welcome aboard.

61. - Hi.

62. 11C. Straight down

63. and on the right, sir.

64. Are there any first-class seats open?

65. No, it's a full flight, sir.

66. Look, there's an empty seat over here.

67. Straight down, right-hand side.

68. - Hello.

69. - If somebody doesn't show up, though,

70. you let me know, okay?

71. And, you know,

72. we can work something out.

73. I can pay you separately, perhaps.

74. Go to your seat,

75. please, sir. Thank you.

76. Hey, what are you doing?

77. I just opened this up for me.

78. - What are you doing?

79. - That's my spot right there.

80. I don't care.

81. That doesn't mean anything.

82. This is filled up. I'm using this.

83. I don't know what to tell you, buddy.

84. It's the Wild West, okay, so.

85. Larry.

86. - Nathan Winocur.

87. - Hey, Doctor.

88. - Friend of Marty's.

89. - Yeah.

90. - Good to see ya.

91. - Nice to see you.

92. - Ocean View, right?

93. - That's right. We should play a round.

94. - We should play.

95. - Let's do that. I'll talk to Marty.

96. - And I'll get Jeff. You know Jeff?

97. - I love Jeff.

98. - That's a great foursome.

99. - Yeah, it's a good foursome.

100. - Great.

101. - I think I'm there.

102. Okay, that's me. Thank you.

103. Sir, sir, I'm sorry.

104. This is for first-class passengers.

105. - I know, but I...

106. - Your ticket's for 11C, sir.

107. I know, but nobody's sitting there.

108. Could you give me, like,

109. a personal upgrade,

110. and I can upgrade you, and...

111. - Sir.

112. - No? Okay.

113. Sir, can I ask you a really big favor?

114. I have a medical condition

115. where I have to...

116. My bladder's really overactive.

117. I have a bladder condition,

118. and I have to get up a lot.

119. Is there any way

120. I could sit in the aisle

121. and you would want

122. to switch to the middle?

123. I can't switch seats with you.

124. I mean, I got the...

125. I can't sit in the middle.

126. It's claustrophobic in there.

127. It's okay, I just have to ask

128. because I'm up so often.

129. - I'm sorry.

130. - I'll die in the middle.

131. It's so painful, too.

132. Just wanna see where

133. the bathrooms are so I know,

134. - 'cause it's gonna be a run.

135. - Okay, fine.

136. Really?

137. You are such a gentleman.

138. Thank you so much.

139. You're welcome.

140. Hey, my lucky day.

141. Yeah, mine, too.

142. I'm just looking for the little thing.

143. - Gotta buckle up.

144. - Jesus Christ.

145. Give it here.

146. Oh, come on.

147. Can I grab one

148. of your Kleenex, please?

149. Oh.

150. I just got...

151. I think it's just allergies.

152. Oh, man.

153. No. No. No.

154. Sir, if I could just

155. have you open your eyes

156. so I can see your pupils.

157. If you could just try

158. and relax a little bit.

159. Long, deep breaths.

160. Excuse me, everyone.

161. One of our passengers has taken ill.

162. If there's a doctor on board,

163. can you please ring your call button?

164. Now, sir, are you currently...

165. Hey, they're asking for a doctor.

166. - Mmm-mmm.

167. - Huh?

168. You're not gonna heed the call?

169. Give it a minute. He's gonna be fine.

170. How do you know?

171. You don't even know what he has.

172. You ever been part

173. of an emergency landing?

174. Is that what you want, Larry?

175. To spend the night

176. in Lubbock, Texas at a Days Inn

177. with a $15 voucher from Cinnabon?

178. Think about it.

179. Excuse me.

180. - I'd like to use the bathroom.

181. - Okay.

182. - Here.

183. - Thank you.

184. Yeah, don't move too much.

185. Don't get up.

186. Ow!

187. Why don't you move your foot,

188. for God's sake?

189. I'm so glad I ran into you

190. on this flight.

191. I'll call up Marty.

192. We'll set up a game.

193. Yeah, yeah, we'll play.

194. You got up.

195. By the way, that's the first time

196. that you got up the entire trip.

197. That was a total bullshit story

198. about the bladder.

199. - I have a medical condition.

200. - Medical.

201. You got a medical condition.

202. She's got a medical condition.

203. One day, you're gonna really

204. have to go to the bathroom,

205. and no one's gonna let you.

206. I had to sit in the middle

207. the entire trip because of you!

208. Thank you.

209. - Welcome back.

210. - Thank you.

211. Nice to be home.

212. Is that your handiwork?

213. Fuck, no. I wouldn't do that shit.

214. You know what,

215. that's not gonna make me wash a car.

216. If anything, I'm not gonna wash it.

217. - I wouldn't wash it.

218. - Just to annoy this guy.

219. I assume it's a guy. A woman

220. wouldn't do something like that.

221. Ladies don't do that kind of shit.

222. Ladies bust windows out

223. and slash tires

224. and key your car and shit.

225. "Wash me." This is what I'm gonna do.

226. I like that shit. Yeah.

227. You like that?

228. See the comma after "no"?

229. - No!

230. - That's good grammar.

231. - You wash me! You wash me!

232. - Yeah.

233. - Yeah.

234. - I like that shit.

235. Hey, did you ever see

236. this movie Arabesque?

237. Nah. Is that one

238. of those Star Trek movies?

239. No, no.

240. It's an old movie with Sophia Loren.

241. - She's gorgeous.

242. - Is she naked in the movie?

243. No, it was from the '60s.

244. Nobody got naked in the '60s.

245. She's gotta be naked in something.

246. Well, if you come

247. across anything, let me know.

248. You know I'ma look.

249. He refused to see the person?

250. He did not heed the call!

251. I don't know

252. what happened on the plane,

253. but he's a great guy

254. to play golf with.

255. Very surprising.

256. Do you care about the character

257. of people you play golf with

258. if they leave you alone on the course?

259. No, I'm happy to play with a reprobate

260. if he has a good personality

261. and I enjoy playing with him.

262. I'll play with reprobates.

263. - Yeah?

264. - Oh, really?

265. - Yes.

266. - You, Manson, Ramirez, and Hitler.

267. - That's a good foursome.

268. - If they play fast.

269. - If they play fast.

270. - I'd rather play with a fast Manson

271. than a slow Funkhouser,

272. I'll tell you that.

273. - Any day of the week.

274. - Yeah, you're a little slow.

275. I line my ball up, I look, I hit it.

276. Hey, Lar, did I tell you

277. that we hired a decorator

278. for the new house?

279. I'm going up to meet her

280. Sunday in San Francisco.

281. Jeff, you're taking me

282. to the airport, 1:00.

283. Don't forget. Don't make any plans.

284. - Airport... Oh, God.

285. - Why does he have to take you

286. - to the airport?

287. - He's gotta see me off.

288. See you off?

289. You're not going to India.

290. You're going to San Francisco!

291. - It's an hour away.

292. - So what?

293. See you off?

294. You'll be back that night.

295. You know what, Larry,

296. it's not surprising to me

297. that you're the only one of this group

298. who's here as a single...

299. - Yeah.

300. - With no girlfriend, no wife.

301. Maybe if you would've seen

302. Cheryl off a few more times,

303. - you'd still be together.

304. - I don't think so.

305. - He wants to, trust me.

306. - No, trust me, he doesn't.

307. - Jeff, do you want to?

308. - No.

309. - Well, you're going to.

310. - You know why you're doing this?

311. - Why, Larry?

312. - Because you wanna ruin his day,

313. - that's why.

314. - Okay, Kreskin. Could read my mind.

315. You think you know what goes on

316. in the complexities of my brain

317. and who I am.

318. The complexities of who you are?

319. Who are you?

320. You're a Jew from the Bronx!

321. I can't wait to see her off.

322. - I really like your friends.

323. - They're very lovely people.

324. Okay!

325. Please do not sit

326. on the arm of the chair.

327. Dinner is served.

328. - Yeah, all right.

329. - Yay, yay.

330. - Yeah!

331. - I like it.

332. - Did you fucking catch that?

333. - I caught it!

334. What the fuck?

335. Oh, oh.

336. Honey, you forgot your drink.

337. Thanks.

338. Marilyn, the table's gorgeous!

339. Hey.

340. You ever called her honey before?

341. I doubt it. No.

342. How many dates have you been on?

343. - Two.

344. You just gave a premature honey.

345. I gotta tell you something.

346. - A premature honey?

347. - Yeah.

348. Premature, too soon for honey.

349. Honey's way down the line.

350. You gotta spend a weekend together

351. or something in the country

352. before you can jump to honey.

353. I know what you're trying to do,

354. you're trying to jump ahead

355. with the relationship.

356. But it doesn't work. You got caught.

357. You're blowing this

358. way out of proportion.

359. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

360. - She doesn't care, Dr. Phil.

361. You don't know what

362. you're talking about.

363. - I think you made a big mistake.

364. - Everything is cool, man.

365. Can I take a moment, please?

366. On behalf

367. of my adorable new girlfriend,

368. thank you for a delicious dinner.

369. - Thank you for coming.

370. - Cheers.

371. - Cheers. Prego.

372. - Marty, cheers.

373. - Health, happiness.

374. - So nice to meet you.

375. - Yes, very nice.

376. - Thank you for having us.

377. - You can't clink, Larry?

378. - Why do I have to clink?

379. Because it's a custom that people do,

380. - which is friendly and nice.

381. - It's a stupid custom.

382. What does it mean, the clinking?

383. Cheers.

384. You know, you pick up

385. a knife like this, a steak knife,

386. you get the urge,

387. I do, that I wanna...

388. I wanna stab with it.

389. - Oh?

390. - Really?

391. Yeah, 'cause you pick up

392. a baseball bat,

393. you wanna swing it.

394. You pick up a tennis ball,

395. you wanna throw it.

396. When you have a knife,

397. you wanna stab, do you not?

398. - Yeah, a little bit.

399. - Know what they should have?

400. - What's that?

401. - A stabbing range.

402. - Get out of here.

403. - Yeah, a stabbing range

404. where you can stab...

405. You can stab dummies.

406. You'd feel good. You'd feel good.

407. - Where would the stabbing range be?

408. - In the Valley.

409. What do you think, Marilyn?

410. The knife... Do you feel like

411. stabbing somebody?

412. Yeah, I feel like stabbing someone.

413. Hmm. Interesting.

414. This is fantastic food.

415. - Thank you.

416. - It really is.

417. Yeah, I can never

418. get my potatoes like that.

419. They're really good.

420. What is this, tap?

421. Yes, it is.

422. No filter?

423. - No filter. Tap water.

424. - Interesting.

425. Surprised you don't have a filter.

426. You have no filter.

427. - That's... Yeah.

428. - It's quite obvious

429. - That's true.

430. - You just say whatever

431. - comes into your mind.

432. - Yeah.

433. You don't really modulate

434. your inner feelings at all, do you?

435. It's a good thing for me,

436. but it's a bad thing for water.

437. Excuse me, I smell something burning.

438. L.D.

439. - Hmm?

440. Goldfish would commit suicide

441. in this water.

442. Yeah! How come you didn't say that

443. when she was there?

444. You know, I'm a guest. I don't know.

445. You're like Fred MacMurray

446. in The Caine Mutiny

447. when he and Van Johnson

448. go to see the admiral,

449. then Fred MacMurray

450. gets cold feet and he backs out.

451. That's a movie, this is real life.

452. In real life, you're polite

453. to your hostess.

454. Of course, you're polite.

455. And why wouldn't you be?

456. There's a hostess, and you have...

457. - That's pretty good.

458. Sure, sure,

459. the water, the water.

460. By the way, I'm not the only one

461. who can't stand it.

462. Can't stand what?

463. Well, Marty likes my water.

464. - Very good.

465. - See?

466. You're really the only person

467. who has a problem with the water.

468. You know, it's just water.

469. What are you so sensitive about?

470. I want you to go.

471. I'm getting kicked out?

472. - Yeah, I think...

473. - You're kicking me out?

474. Yeah, I think you should leave.

475. This is unbelievable. Okay.

476. Well, it was fun. It was fun.

477. We really...

478. - It was not fun.

479. - No, it wasn't.

480. I leave my knife and I bid you adieu.

481. You guys, look!

482. - Hey, bald fuck!

483. - Bald fuck!

484. Blow me, blow me!

485. You wash it! You wash it!

486. Blow me, bald fuck!

487. Shut up! Shut up!

488. Oh, you were right, Larry.

489. I blew it with Rhonda.

490. I told you it was a premature honey.

491. And she's been cold ever since.

492. Yeah, it was bad.

493. I said honey. What's the big deal?

494. I told them no mushrooms

495. in this thing.

496. - I said no mushrooms, all right?

497. - I've lost a potential bride,

498. and you're talking about salad?

499. - I blew it.

500. - You saw a wife there

501. and you seized on it

502. with a honey, right?

503. - That's what you did.

504. - It was a seize.

505. - You seized.

506. - I did seize.

507. - You did seize.

508. - So, what do I do?

509. - I don't know.

510. - Oh! Great.

511. It's from Rhonda. "We need to talk."

512. Oh.

513. - I'm through.

514. - You're done.

515. What ever comes good

516. after "we need to talk"?

517. - Nothing.

518. - You ever hear this? "We need to talk.

519. "I'm taking you to Cancun."

520. - No, that's not happening.

521. - Is that gonna happen?

522. - No. No.

523. - That's not gonna happen.

524. What do I do, man?

525. - Okay.

526. - What do I do?

527. I got an idea. Text her back.

528. Tell her to come meet you

529. at the restaurant.

530. Why?

531. When she comes in,

532. you start calling everybody honey.

533. - I do what?

534. - Call everybody honey.

535. The waitresses, the manager,

536. customers, everyone.

537. - Why?

538. - Because you're a guy

539. who just uses the word honey a lot.

540. You mean it's part

541. of my working vocabulary?

542. - Yes! Yes!

543. - And what would that mean to her?

544. That means that she's just

545. part of the honey parade.

546. - So, I just call everybody honey?

547. - You call everybody honey.

548. I like the honey parade.

549. - All right, I'll have her come down.

550. - Yeah.

551. There, she's coming. There she is.

552. - Where?

553. - There.

554. - Oh, boy.

555. - Hey.

556. Larry, I didn't know

557. you were gonna be here.

558. - Hi!

559. - Hi.

560. Hi. Hold on a second.

561. Honey, do you mind if I grab a chair?

562. - Thank you, honey.

563. - No, I don't... Thanks.

564. I just... I could come back.

565. I just wanted to have

566. just, like, a quick conversation.

567. I don't wanna interrupt a whole thing.

568. No, you're not interrupting anything.

569. Excuse me, honey. Can I get...

570. - What do you want?

571. - I'll just have a coffee.

572. A black coffee, honey.

573. That's all you want? Are you hungry?

574. Uh, well, I wasn't planning

575. on staying that long,

576. - but maybe I'll get a...

577. - Honey, right here.

578. - The coffee.

579. - Thank you so much.

580. Honey, can you bring a turkey burger

581. and some fries?

582. Thanks, honey. Hey, hon!

583. You know, honey,

584. can we get an extra napkin?

585. Hey, could I get some coffee, honey?

586. Honey? Honey?

587. Thank you, honey.

588. Could we get the check, honey?

589. Thank you, honey.

590. - Thank you.

591. - So, what did you wanna talk about?

592. Just I'm free on Friday night now

593. and wanted to see if you wanted

594. to do something together.

595. Pick me up at work?

596. I'll be done around 8:00.

597. Then we'll have just one car.

598. - Yeah.

599. - Great!

600. - Where do you work?

601. - I work at Neiman Marcus.

602. - Is that so?

603. - Yeah.

604. I am a sales professional

605. on the men's floor.

606. If you ever want any help,

607. let me know.

608. Now that you mention it,

609. I could actually use

610. a couple of pairs of pants.

611. Call me anytime. Seriously, stop by.

612. - I'm going to.

613. - Great, give him my number.

614. - Thank you.

615. - You're welcome.

616. - Larry, it's great to see you.

617. - Good to see you again.

618. - Very good to see you, Larry.

619. - Always a pleasure.

620. Do you want me to leave

621. any money for this?

622. - Are you taking care of it? Okay.

623. - I got it. It's all right.

624. - It's all right.

625. - He's a good guy.

626. - To us.

627. - What do you wanna do on Friday?

628. Anything you want, honey.

629. Oh.

630. You wanna go to the Rams game

631. on Sunday with Rob?

632. He's got extra tickets.

633. I'd love to go

634. to the Rams game on Sunday.

635. Gotta take Susie to the airport.

636. She's ridiculous!

637. - All right, I got an idea.

638. - What?

639. Accidental text on purpose.

640. Please explain.

641. You're sending a text to me,

642. but it goes to her "by accident."

643. - Uh-huh.

644. - And in the text, you say,

645. "Hey, L.D.,

646. I'd love to go to the game,

647. "but I'm taking Susie to the airport.

648. "I don't wanna disappoint her.

649. We're getting along so great."

650. - And it goes to her...

651. - It goes to her.

652. - ... but it was meant to you.

653. - Meant to me!

654. - Saying how great Susie is...

655. - How great Susie is.

656. - ... and how much I love her.

657. - Yeah.

658. You, sir, are an amazing man.

659. - I am texting Susie right now.

660. - Here they are.

661. - Larry, Jeff.

662. - Hello.

663. - Thanks for letting me join you guys.

664. - Sure.

665. - Yeah.

666. - You should see this guy on the range.

667. - What's your handicap?

668. - Ten.

669. - What are you?

670. - Fifteen.

671. We should make it interesting,

672. play for some cheddar.

673. - Sure.

674. - Yeah? 200?

675. - Okay, you're on.

676. - Great.

677. I pick up a knife,

678. I have an urge to stab.

679. But it's a stupid thing

680. to say at a dinner table.

681. And then you made

682. such a deal over the goddamn filter.

683. - Terrible water.

684. - But you didn't have

685. to say anything about it.

686. How could you not comment

687. on water that's so bad?

688. Okay, I've done

689. everything I can to get her back.

690. I sent her flowers. Boom.

691. Shredded on my doorstep.

692. I mean, I don't know what to do.

693. Oh!

694. Oh!

695. - Ready to hear it? Accidental text.

696. - Accidental text on purpose!

697. - Oh, my God. Tell him.

698. - Okay, here's what you do.

699. You send me a text,

700. but you accidentally

701. send it to her on purpose.

702. And in the text,

703. you say something like,

704. "Hey, Larry,

705. you were an asshole the other night.

706. "There's nothing wrong with her water.

707. It's perfectly okay."

708. Say anything you want.

709. Curse me, anything. I don't care.

710. Okay, I've never

711. said this to you before.

712. - Yeah.

713. - You're brilliant.

714. - Thank you, thank you.

715. - Right, right?

716. I invented this. I invented this.

717. - He already did it for me.

718. - "Dear Larry..."

719. - I can say anything I want!

720. - Anything!

721. "Larry, you were so out of line

722. "the other night about the water."

723. - Yes!

724. - "If Marilyn didn't throw you out,

725. - "I would've."

726. - Perfect!

727. Damn it!

728. He's had some bad luck today.

729. All right, there we go.

730. - That's nice.

731. - Here it comes.

732. - All right.

733. - Hey, where do you lie?

734. Uh, four.

735. - Look!

736. She texted me right back.

737. "I love you.

738. I know this is not meant for me.

739. "What a great man

740. to stick up for me like that."

741. - Unbelievable.

742. - Thank you.

743. - Unbelievable.

744. - Huh?

745. - Brilliant!

746. - Get the flag, Jeff?

747. Yep.

748. Well, you're playing great today.

749. No, I'm having a bad day.

750. Beautiful.

751. - Beautiful!

752. Oh! Look at you.

753. - Is that a birdie?

754. - Beautiful.

755. - Oh, my God.

756. - Oh, guys, I hate to do this.

757. I got a medical emergency.

758. I gotta get to Cedars.

759. - We only have three more holes.

760. - No, we got a medical emergency here.

761. Wait, wait.

762. What are you talking about?

763. You owe me $200. Pay up.

764. It's an emergency. I'm a doctor.

765. You weren't a doctor on the plane.

766. I gotta go. A patient needs me.

767. Boy, you're down three

768. with three to play.

769. - Hey, doctor, you gotta pay him.

770. - So when you're losing money,

771. you heed the call, is that it?

772. You know what that is?

773. Selective heeding,

774. that's what that is!

775. You didn't get any text anyway.

776. It was all bullshit!

777. - Enigma?

778. - What the fuck?

779. Ow!

780. - Jesus Christ!

781. - God!

782. Crazy!

783. It's just perfume.

784. Out of nowhere,

785. right in my face, spritzing me.

786. - They're the worst.

787. - Come on, what is that?

788. - What a violation.

789. - You know what,

790. they'll usually go away, though,

791. if you just wave them away.

792. - Did you wave her away?

793. - Sort of, yeah.

794. Here, do you like this color?

795. - Yeah, yeah, that's good.

796. - Yeah.

797. - All right, let's try these.

798. - Okay.

799. By the way, I wanted to let you know

800. I was very impressed

801. that you said something

802. about the water the other day.

803. Well, thank you for saying so.

804. It's hard to, you know,

805. get in front of a group

806. and say what everyone's thinking

807. when it's uncomfortable.

808. You know, I had no problem.

809. Now, I got you 32 and 30.

810. - Okay.

811. - What do you wanna start with?

812. - Thirty two.

813. - All right.

814. - Here's the 32.

815. - These look very nice, yeah.

816. - All right.

817. - Okay.

818. Yeah, he's in the kitchen.

819. - Look who's here.

820. - Hey.

821. Oh, for God's sake. Look at this.

822. My lace just broke.

823. And you know what,

824. there's no extra laces in the house.

825. Do you have extra laces in your house?

826. No, nobody does.

827. I don't know why people

828. don't stock up on them.

829. - They stock up on canned food.

830. - Hey, we got a problem.

831. Marilyn told me

832. she saw you in Neiman Marcus

833. - push the spritz girl.

834. - Of course I did.

835. What do you mean of course you did?

836. - I got attacked and I pushed.

837. - You don't push a spritzer lady!

838. - You're out of your fucking mind!

839. - It's a violation!

840. You don't just go up to people

841. and spritz them in the face like that.

842. It's a violation.

843. We have a very big problem now.

844. Marilyn is not happy with you.

845. You know what I gotta do now?

846. I gotta go through and rewind...

847. Let's hold on to that thought

848. for a minute, okay?

849. I think I could fix this.

850. Will you listen to me, please?

851. - You wet the end...

852. - I don't care about that.

853. and you just do this.

854. Marilyn said to me

855. I have to make a choice.

856. It's either Larry David or Marilyn.

857. - She gave you an ultimatum?

858. - An ultimatum.

859. - Who'd you pick?

860. - I took Marilyn.

861. I would've made the same decision.

862. Let's face it,

863. at this point in our lives,

864. it's not so easy

865. to find people to have sex with us.

866. Hey, vagina always wins.

867. I lost a brother to a vagina.

868. He's quite a feminist, isn't he?

869. Vagina got his ass.

870. Good-bye.

871. So, if I run into you,

872. are you gonna talk to me

873. or is this is the last words

874. we're ever gonna exchange?

875. I can't talk to you any more.

876. I'm gonna miss you.

877. So, when I see you

878. at the club dinner tomorrow night,

879. - no communication there whatsoever?

880. - She said to me,

881. "If you communicate

882. with him, I'm gone."

883. Oh! Hey, L.D., that Sophia Loren.

884. Ooh!

885. You saw her movie?

886. Marriage Italian Style.

887. - Three times.

888. - I told you, right?

889. - Gorgeous.

890. - Gorgeous. Fucking beautiful.

891. Oh, jeez.

892. My pants are ready.

893. Now I gotta go see that Rhonda.

894. - Something up with that girl.

895. - Mmm-hmm.

896. This woman likes me. Lewis's date.

897. - How do you know?

898. - Well, she was quite taken

899. with my water stance the other night

900. and she wouldn't get out

901. of the dressing room

902. - when I was changing.

903. - She likes you.

904. Yeah, and I gotta go back there

905. tomorrow to pick up my pants.

906. - You gonna hit it?

907. - No, I'm a loyal friend.

908. When women give me an ultimatum,

909. "Who are you gonna choose,

910. me or your friend?"

911. I say, "I'm gonna choose my friend."

912. - That's it.

913. - Why do you have to do this?

914. You dumped me.

915. You chose somebody over me.

916. - I didn't dump anyone.

917. - Okay.

918. I'm trying to say good-bye

919. and end this.

920. Okay, good-bye.

921. See ya. See ya, Leon.

922. - All right, get out.

923. - Don't keep talking.

924. - You're standing there.

925. - I'm leaving.

926. - Okay, well, go.

927. - Okay, I'm gonna leave.

928. - I'm waiting.

929. - We're not playing last word.

930. - No.

931. - One, two, three.

932. - Bye.

933. - One, two, three.

934. - Bye...

935. - "Ay."

936. - No, don't do that.

937. Good-bye.

938. - Hey, Larry.

939. - Hey.

940. I got your pants. You're all paid for.

941. Great, great.

942. All right, now we just try them on.

943. Come on.

944. Oh! Um...

945. I don't need to try them on.

946. - I can just, you know.

947. - Larry, you gotta try them on.

948. They got shortened.

949. We gotta see if they're...

950. That's not necessary.

951. I'll just take them.

952. It's just gonna take a minute.

953. We'll be good.

954. I actually changed my mind about...

955. I didn't want the pants.

956. These pants look amazing on you.

957. - Come on. Try on the pants.

958. - It's not really necessary.

959. - I don't need to try on the pants...

960. - Larry, you're trying on pants.

961. Right.

962. I think these lay great.

963. Do you like that break

964. - on your sneaker?

965. - Yeah, yeah.

966. - I think that looks good.

967. I think it's pretty.

968. Excuse me, I'm sorry.

969. We have a new tailor.

970. He does amazing work.

971. I think that looks pretty good.

972. Yeah, yeah.

973. And the hem is right.

974. I think that looks good.

975. Oh, my God! Larry!

976. Oh! Oh, I'm... No!

977. No! That's not from you.

978. That's from Sophia Loren.

979. Why was it in my face?

980. Because it was an accident!

981. It was an accidental erection.

982. - What?

983. - It was an accident.

984. No, an accident is tripping on a step,

985. and then also the Titanic going down.

986. Yeah, but just the way the Titanic

987. went down, this thing went up.

988. It's the same thing.

989. They're both accidents.

990. So, you're saying your penis

991. is like the Titanic?

992. In a manner of speaking, yes.

993. I think they're comparable.

994. This is really unprofessional.

995. - I'm very uncomfortable right now.

996. - This is unprofessional?

997. You think I'm comfortable when you're

998. standing in the dressing room

999. - when I'm changing my pants?

1000. - It's called a concierge service.

1001. I've never heard of that

1002. before in my life.

1003. I'd like you to leave, Larry.

1004. - I'll go, yeah.

1005. - Yeah.

1006. Okay. May I have my pants?

1007. Here.

1008. You know, I gotta say,

1009. the waist is a little big.

1010. Get out.

1011. I'll wear them with a belt.

1012. I'll put a belt on.

1013. - What's the score?

1014. - 14-7.

1015. This Dr. Winocur

1016. I was telling you about?

1017. So, get a load of this.

1018. "Hi, Mrs. Downing, it's Dr. Winocur.

1019. "Even though I had to cut

1020. my round of golf short,

1021. "I'm glad I saw you the other day.

1022. "Be sure to take all the medicine

1023. as I prescribed it."

1024. Another accidental

1025. - text on purpose.

1026. - Text on purpose.

1027. - Unbelievable.

1028. This is some doctor.

1029. They should take

1030. this guy's license away.

1031. He was on a plane, there was

1032. an emergency, he didn't help out.

1033. Person fucking choking, having pains

1034. in their chest, you get the fuck up.

1035. - You've sworn to a Hippocratic Oath.

1036. - Sworn to it. You get the fuck up.

1037. Unless they got diarrhea

1038. or some shit like that.

1039. If they announced that, "Hey,

1040. we've got a passenger who has diarrhea

1041. "and it's uncontrollable

1042. and it's all over the fucking place,"

1043. I can see the person sitting there

1044. and, "Actually, you know, fuck that.

1045. "I don't feel like dealing

1046. with diarrhea right now."

1047. I think you're gonna

1048. have a good time.

1049. I hope so.

1050. I like that outfit you wore.

1051. I really do.

1052. There's Larry.

1053. Just go inside. Ignore him.

1054. Do not give him attention.

1055. Ignore him?

1056. That's a 14-foot-long cock.

1057. - Hey, pervert.

1058. - Hey.

1059. So you get an erection

1060. in the dressing room with Rhonda.

1061. - How lovely.

1062. - No, Leon sent me a video

1063. of an old Sophia Loren movie from

1064. the '60s, and that's what caused it.

1065. Rhonda had nothing to do with it.

1066. - Leon sent you a movie...

1067. - Yes, yeah.

1068. You know how these things happen.

1069. - They just occur.

1070. - Oh, they just occur?

1071. Just like you drew a giant cock

1072. on the side of your car.

1073. He drew a penis on my car?

1074. - Fucking A! It's 12 feet long.

1075. - My God!

1076. - This guy's unbelievable.

1077. - Who? What guy?

1078. I don't know.

1079. I'm having a fight with this guy.

1080. He's drawing stuff on my car,

1081. messages.

1082. He's telling me to wash it, and...

1083. I don't know

1084. what you're fucking talking about.

1085. Now he drew a penis...

1086. What, did you cowrite

1087. Alice in Wonderland?

1088. - You're a fucking nutcase.

1089. - You think I'm making that up?

1090. You think I go around

1091. drawing penises on my car?

1092. - I'd have to be in Bellevue.

1093. - She gave me an ultimatum.

1094. It's either you or her.

1095. Funkhouser's girlfriend

1096. did the same thing.

1097. I know. Everybody has heard about it,

1098. believe me.

1099. Who'd you choose?

1100. - I chose her.

1101. - Huh!

1102. So, listen, just stay away

1103. from my girlfriend.

1104. Girlfriend?

1105. Dear. Premature girlfriend.

1106. - No, I know, no, no, no.

1107. - Listen, Richard,

1108. you know what, I think we're just

1109. looking for other things right now.

1110. I call everybody girlfriend.

1111. It's a thing of mine.

1112. Hi, girlfriend. Girlfriend, hi.

1113. Honey! Honey, come on.

1114. - Please, come on.

1115. - This is nice.

1116. Well, well.

1117. - Look who's here.

1118. - Hey, Larry.

1119. - You remember Bebe.

1120. - Hi.

1121. - My, hi. Who could forget Bebe?

1122. - Good to see you.

1123. We hit it off at baggage claim.

1124. You hit it off at baggage claim.

1125. - What a beautiful story.

1126. - Yeah.

1127. By the way, I got that

1128. "accidental text" you sent me.

1129. I didn't send you a text.

1130. Yeah, yeah, yeah,

1131. I think you know you did.

1132. - I sent one to Laura Downing.

1133. - Yeah.

1134. - Larry David.

1135. - David. The Ds.

1136. - Yeah, yeah.

1137. - They're very close, they...

1138. Yeah, it was an accident, Larry.

1139. Trust me, please.

1140. - And, Bebe...

1141. - Mmm-hmm?

1142. I would be remiss if I didn't inquire

1143. about your condition.

1144. You know, every day is a struggle.

1145. But today, I'm doing good, thank you.

1146. Good to hear.

1147. Are you sure that was

1148. an accidental text?

1149. Yeah, I'm sure.

1150. Are you sure you have

1151. a bladder condition?

1152. Yeah, I'm sure.

1153. Okay.

1154. - Come on, Bebe.

1155. - Yeah.

1156. - Welcome, everyone.

1157. Thank you for coming to celebrate

1158. Tip McDougal's 25 years on the links.

1159. We're gonna start

1160. in just a couple minutes,

1161. so, you know, have a drink,

1162. relax, make yourself comfortable.

1163. We'll be back in just a couple.

1164. - Hey, everyone.

1165. - Hey!

1166. So, what the fuck

1167. with the penis on your car?

1168. I don't know.

1169. I think somebody on my block drew it.

1170. Oh, really?

1171. - Yeah.

1172. - That is so inappropriate.

1173. - God.

1174. - Hi, Richie.

1175. - Hey.

1176. - How you doing?

1177. - Where's Rhonda?

1178. She left.

1179. Ah!

1180. You did the premature girlfriend.

1181. You can't say "girlfriend" until

1182. you've dated somebody 12, 15 times.

1183. Yeah. Marilyn, am I right?

1184. It's gotta be...

1185. Yeah, yeah.

1186. Hey, Funk Man, would you mind

1187. passing the bread this way?

1188. Would you mind asking Marty

1189. to pass the bread?

1190. Marty, please pass me the bread.

1191. I'm famished.

1192. Marilyn, just for tonight,

1193. could you give him an exemption

1194. from the no-talking rule

1195. that you've imposed?

1196. No.

1197. Just for tonight

1198. so we can all have some fun.

1199. - No.

1200. - We're at the same table...

1201. Exemption denied.

1202. Okay.

1203. Hey, this is fun, huh?

1204. - I'm having the time of my life.

1205. - This is really a blast.

1206. Too bad we're gonna have

1207. to leave early.

1208. I gotta pack. San Francisco.

1209. And Jeff's driving me

1210. to the airport, you know.

1211. Think I was gonna buy

1212. that bullshit accidental text?

1213. "Oh, I love my wife so much

1214. "and I'll miss the football game."

1215. You think I bought that

1216. "accidental text on purpose"?

1217. What is an accidental text on purpose?

1218. You send somebody a text,

1219. pretending it to be to somebody else

1220. so they think

1221. they're reading a private text.

1222. But, really, what they're trying to do

1223. is give you the information

1224. that they want to manipulate you with.

1225. It's bullshit.

1226. Did you send me

1227. an accidental text on purpose?

1228. Oh.

1229. You did. That was a bullshit text.

1230. I don't remember that.

1231. Do you like my water?

1232. You know,

1233. I really don't remember doing that.

1234. Do you like my water?

1235. I can't stand your water!

1236. I can't... I don't even know

1237. what to say.

1238. It's like I took a straw

1239. and put it in a frog's ass.

1240. It makes me sick!

1241. I wanna barf every time I get near it.

1242. I can't stand the smell,

1243. I can't stand the color,

1244. and I cannot stand the taste.

1245. I can't take it anymore!

1246. You know what,

1247. talk to him all you want.

1248. Wow. You're the only guy at this table

1249. that could hold on to a woman.

1250. Thank you, everyone,

1251. for coming tonight

1252. to honor Tip McDougal

1253. and his lovely wife, Nancy.

1254. We're losing a beloved member

1255. of the Ocean View family.

1256. Tip, we'll miss you.

1257. But in retirement,

1258. maybe Tip will finally be able

1259. to play some golf.

1260. We had so many great times with Tip

1261. and some rough ones, too.

1262. But he was mostly on the fairway.

1263. I remember one time

1264. on the 18th hole, he had knocked...

1265. Larry, I hate to even bother you

1266. with this, but I'm on in two minutes.

1267. This guy just took my joke.

1268. Can you help me out?

1269. What are you talking about?

1270. This is a comedy emergency.

1271. - I'm off duty.

1272. - Why won't you help me?

1273. You didn't heed the call on the plane.

1274. You welched on a $200 bet.

1275. You sent me

1276. an accidental text on purpose.

1277. I invented the accidental text, okay?

1278. Yeah, go back to your table.

1279. Get out. Go back.

1280. And, you...

1281. You've been drinking water all night,

1282. haven't made one trip to the bathroom.

1283. Not one trip. I've been clocking you.

1284. Sir. Sir! I have a condition.

1285. Yeah, you have a condition, all right.

1286. You're a psychopath

1287. who uses a weak bladder

1288. to take advantage of people.

1289. But first, the funniest doc

1290. on the links,

1291. Dr. Nathan Winocur.

1292. Come on up here.

1293. You're gonna love this guy.

1294. Larry.

1295. Hey. It's Dave.

1296. - Hey.

1297. - Three houses down.

1298. - How are you?

1299. - Yeah, yeah, good, good.

1300. It's really good

1301. to see you here, Larry.

1302. Yeah, good to see you.

1303. Yeah. I love the car wash.

1304. - Oh, my God, yeah.

1305. - Right?

1306. It's just endlessly fascinating,

1307. you know?

1308. It comes down on a conveyor,

1309. the brushes, the water.

1310. You feel like you wanna go through it.

1311. - That's right. That's exactly right.

1312. - You know?

1313. I look at a dirty car,

1314. Larry, and I feel sorry for it.

1315. It's almost like

1316. it's screaming out, "Wash me!

1317. "Wash me."

1318. - Good to see you, Larry.

1319. - Yeah.