Curb Your Enthusiasm 9x5

1. Ah, shit. Here we go.

2. - Good morning, Mr. David.

3. - Good morning, Sal.

4. - What a great day for golf, huh?

5. - Yeah.

6. - Great.

7. - And it's happening, Mr. David.

8. - Wow. Yeah?

9. - It's happening.

10. Right over at Will Rogers Park.

11. There's going to be a reenactment

12. of the Revolutionary War,

13. which I partake in every year.

14. You would not believe

15. some of the people they have.

16. - No kidding, yeah.

17. - I'm going to be a redcoat.

18. Interesting. You're going to be

19. in the British army?

20. I don't have a great British accent,

21. but tell me if you think

22. this one works.

23. Yeah. Okay.

24. I'm thinking of two different kinds.

25. Tell me which one you like better.

26. "Oi, is that...

27. Move that gun over here.

28. - "And get ready. We're going."

29. - Yeah. Yeah.

30. - That's kind of a cockney.

31. - That's cockney, yeah.

32. But I don't know

33. if that's what they do.

34. I think, more often, it's a...

35. "Gentlemen, strike

36. the flagstaff deep, Sir Knight."

37. Well, they're both pretty good.

38. They're good, so it's gonna be

39. a remarkable day for me.

40. Get in there and play some great golf

41. today, okay, Mr. David?

42. Oh, sir,

43. you may find the main lot full.

44. - Okay.

45. - Okay? You may find it full.

46. - You can...

47. - I got it, yeah.

48. You can, if you like,

49. you can just make a right over here.

50. Right turn, got it.

51. - Okay, yeah.

52. - Go to the bottom of the hill.

53. - I think you'll find some open.

54. - Okay, yeah.

55. Have a great day.

56. Fairways and greens,

57. Mr. David. Don't forget.

58. So, every time I come in,

59. it's a whole conversation.

60. The worst mistake I ever made

61. was rolling down that window

62. in the first place, just to be nice.

63. And it's been going on

64. for months and months.

65. And now, I'm in this cycle

66. that never ends.

67. Once the window goes down,

68. it cannot go back up.

69. That's right.

70. - You are stuck.

71. I'm the only one in the club

72. who talks to this guy.

73. I guarantee you. Do you talk to him?

74. Not for nine months.

75. He's annoying as hell.

76. I really would love to reset

77. the whole relationship,

78. so I could just drive up, wave,

79. and be on my way.

80. I think

81. it's a big bowl of too late.

82. You're on your own.

83. Secretly,

84. I wish ill things on him

85. so I don't have to do this anymore.

86. It's a terrible thought,

87. but that's what I think.

88. By the way, where's

89. my John Adams biography?

90. I lent it to you about six weeks ago.

91. Yeah, so sorry.

92. For what reason do you want it back?

93. Just to what, to impress people?

94. Well, I impress myself first

95. that I finished it.

96. - It's a big book. It's a fat book.

97. - Did you?

98. - Yes.

99. - Did you finish it?

100. Of course I finished it.

101. - Really?

102. - Yeah.

103. - It was fantastic.

104. - It was, huh?

105. - Who knew about all this stuff?

106. - Yeah.

107. Thomas Jefferson, and the arguing,

108. - and the White House...

109. - I'm gonna posit this.

110. I don't think you read it

111. in the first place.

112. - What is this, Dragnet?

113. I don't think you read it.

114. - I read the inside flap.

115. - Okay, you read the flap.

116. Good, you read the flap.

117. I'll make sure he gets it back to you.

118. - Good afternoon, gentlemen.

119. - Hi.

120. I see you've had a chance

121. to take a look at the menu.

122. We do have one addition today.

123. It is a Dover sole sautéed

124. in a lemon butter sauce.

125. What are you getting?

126. I'm gonna get the beet

127. and goat cheese salad.

128. - The Vietnamese pho.

129. - How do they prepare the Dover sole?

130. - What did you say, sautéed?

131. - It's sautéed in a lemon butter sauce.

132. - Do you think they would broil it?

133. - I could ask.

134. Okay, look, ask, but if the chef makes

135. a face of any kind, okay,

136. just tell him

137. to forget it and sauté it.

138. - I understand.

139. - Okay, thank you.

140. Okay.

141. Thanks.

142. - I cannot stay long.

143. I have to go suit shopping

144. with my daughter

145. and my soon-to-be son-in-law

146. for the wedding.

147. Yeah, his daughter Sammi's

148. getting married.

149. You're kidding me. Congratulations.

150. - What kind of guy is he?

151. - He served in the war in Afghanistan.

152. - And...

153. - Wow.

154. - Yeah.

155. Is he okay?

156. No PTSD. He's one of the lucky ones.

157. I asked

158. the chef to broil the sole,

159. and he didn't make much of a face.

160. Didn't make much of a face.

161. What kind of face

162. is "not much of a face"?

163. Well, he can be a bit inscrutable,

164. but I wouldn't describe it

165. as much of a face at all.

166. Hmm. I'd like to see that face.

167. What is... Show it to me.

168. I asked the chef

169. if he could broil the sole,

170. and he went...

171. Like that?

172. Well, that's not much of a face.

173. - No.

174. - Okay.

175. - I'll get it, I'll get it broiled.

176. - All right.

177. Hey, guys.

178. All right, thank you so much.

179. Thank you.

180. - Hey, Larry. Hold on.

181. - Okay.

182. How are you, Larry?

183. - Hey, Ken.

184. - How you doing?

185. Good.

186. - Hey, Ken.

187. - How are you guys?

188. His wife just had a baby.

189. - Oh, the baby.

190. - Yeah.

191. - You got a picture?

192. - Boom. There you go.

193. Wow. Oh! Beautiful.

194. Huh?

195. - Lucky man.

196. Thank you so much.

197. - Ah! Hey, hey.

198. My greatest treasure.

199. You know, she looks a little Asian.

200. Um... What do you...

201. What does that mean?

202. She has a little Asian look about her.

203. That's... That's weird.

204. It's a strange thing to say, Larry.

205. Why? What's the big deal?

206. What are you getting at,

207. is all I'm asking.

208. 'Cause most people

209. would just say first, she's beautiful.

210. I'm saying that, you know, she just

211. has a slight Asian look to her.

212. I feel like you're maybe

213. saying something's...

214. Something's off about her.

215. I'm not saying...

216. Something's on about it.

217. It's good. It's a good thing.

218. Uh-huh.

219. - That's a compliment.

220. - In what way?

221. Huge.

222. - How so?

223. - She's exotic.

224. I wish I looked a little Asian.

225. Look, I just wanna walk away.

226. Can you just... Just take it back,

227. so we can just put this behind us?

228. I can apologize for offending you,

229. but I can't take back the remark.

230. I just want you to say,

231. "This was my fault. I apologize."

232. And then I can move on.

233. It's my fault for offending you,

234. I apologize,

235. but she does look a little Asian.

236. Okay, goodbye.

237. We all think she's gorgeous.

238. - I'm sorry, Ken.

239. I'm sorry. It's a cute baby,

240. but she does look a little...

241. You didn't think she looked a little

242. Asian? She looked a little Asian.

243. - Who's there?

244. US Postal Service.

245. Mr. David? I need a signature.

246. Are you, uh...

247. Are you the new mailman?

248. - Mailwoman?

249. - Mail carrier.

250. - Huh. Okay. Mail carrier.

251. - Yeah.

252. Great. I will take this.

253. - You will take these.

254. - All right. Okay.

255. And I will take my pen.

256. - Oh, yeah.

257. - Thank you.

258. - People, they steal pens a lot.

259. - They really do, don't they?

260. - I bet you lose a lot of those...

261. - I have a truck full of 'em.

262. I haven't talked

263. to a mailman in a long...

264. Mail carrier in a long time.

265. I remember in my building

266. in Brooklyn growing up,

267. the women, they used to flirt

268. with the mailman.

269. They'd come down

270. in the morning with their schmattas.

271. - You know, it was...

272. - What's a schmatta?

273. It's like a disgusting house dress.

274. - Oh, boy.

275. - They're hideous.

276. You know, my mother

277. used to encourage me

278. to work in the post office

279. when I was younger

280. 'cause she didn't think

281. I could amount to anything.

282. - And look what happened.

283. - And that's not to say

284. that you couldn't amount to anything.

285. But, you know,

286. she felt that way about me

287. 'cause she wanted me to have

288. the security of a job,

289. that's all, you know.

290. And she thought

291. it would be easy for me.

292. Not that it's easy,

293. but she thought it'd be easy for me,

294. because it's not that much to it.

295. You bring mail, you drop it off.

296. She thought I could do this.

297. Uh, yeah. Anyway, um,

298. you could do me a big favor.

299. Not big, small favor.

300. I don't wanna taint the favor.

301. - It's a small favor.

302. - Okay.

303. Is Richard Lewis on your route?

304. He must be.

305. - Richard, two blocks over?

306. - Yes.

307. Have you been to his house yet today?

308. Not yet. No.

309. Could you drop a book off for me?

310. I absolutely could. It...

311. You'd need to package it up

312. and put on a stamp.

313. Look, I could do that.

314. I mean, the idea is that

315. you're going there.

316. Why not just drop the book off,

317. do me a little favor?

318. It's a little favor. It's nothing.

319. I'm pretty sure the US government

320. would consider that free mail,

321. which is kind of illegal.

322. Eh, don't be such a stickler.

323. Why are you being such a stickler?

324. - It's just...

325. - Do you think that's

326. a good quality, stickling?

327. - Don't stickle. Don't be a stickler.

328. - Don't be a stickler?

329. No. You know what,

330. if you were going on a computer date,

331. one of those things,

332. and you put down "stickler,"

333. nobody would call you.

334. Well, it might be

335. why I'm still single.

336. Huh.

337. Hey, Jeff, did you tell Lewis

338. about our new kitchen?

339. - No, I did not.

340. - In the new house?

341. Richie, it is massive,

342. this new kitchen.

343. I mean, it is just magnificent.

344. You, especially,

345. are going to appreciate it.

346. I can't wait, honey.

347. - Why are you especially?

348. - I have no fucking idea.

349. Yeah, I...

350. Can I just say something?

351. It was a genius idea to start with.

352. I know. Fantastic.

353. You know, for a married man,

354. a realtor?

355. - Come on, man. The best.

356. - Oh, Jeff,

357. can you go to the basement

358. and get me a couple bottles of wine?

359. A red and a white, please?

360. Could I? Well, I think I could.

361. I think I could.

362. Thank you.

363. Hey, did you get the book?

364. Yeah, yeah.

365. Oh, that mailwoman, wow.

366. She's gorgeous.

367. I'm thinking of making a move.

368. - On a mailwoman?

369. - I don't care what she does.

370. No profession's off-limits to me

371. if a woman's attractive.

372. All men are like that.

373. We don't care about what they do.

374. We care about what they look like.

375. Women are just the opposite.

376. I think you might be right.

377. I dated a garbage woman.

378. - And we'd shower.

379. - You dated your garbage woman?

380. We had the shower,

381. that was the only thing.

382. Yeah, she was great and smart,

383. but she needed the money.

384. - She had a couple of kids.

385. - I never even saw

386. a garbage woman in my life.

387. You make up this story to me

388. about fucking a garbage woman?

389. - A story would be this...

390. - That's really odd to me

391. that you would

392. make up this story. For what?

393. - No, here's a fact...

394. - So I would think

395. that you fucked a garbage woman?

396. Why do you want me to think that?

397. - I didn't see her as a garbage woman.

398. Hey, Lar?

399. All right, we're done. Yeah.

400. - Hey, Lar, eat something.

401. - Hey.

402. - Are these washed?

403. - Of course.

404. What do you, what kind

405. of question is that to ask me?

406. - They look a little sticky.

407. - They're washed and organic.

408. Hey, I got the wedding invite.

409. - No, you didn't.

410. - I didn't?

411. No, that was a save-the-date.

412. That was not the invite.

413. I haven't even had them printed yet.

414. - Save the date?

415. - Yeah.

416. Are you serious? That's so stupid.

417. Larry, everybody saves dates.

418. I don't save dates.

419. The whole system's screwed up.

420. You don't need to send me something

421. to tell me you're gonna send me

422. something, just send it.

423. If I'm saying something to you,

424. I don't say to you,

425. "I'm gonna say something to you,"

426. and then say it.

427. - I just say it.

428. - This is the way

429. things are done, okay, asshole?

430. You're gonna come,

431. and you're gonna enjoy it.

432. All right. Watch this.

433. - Terrific.

434. - Ta-da.

435. - Unbelievable.

436. Ta... Come on.

437. Ah! Look who's here.

438. The happy couple.

439. Hi, everybody.

440. - Mrs. Greene.

441. - Oh, my baby.

442. - Hi, Mom.

443. - Mmm. Victor, my boy.

444. - How you doing?

445. Okay.

446. So this is our friend, Richard Lewis.

447. - Thank you for your service, bro.

448. - Thank you. Thank you.

449. And our neighbors, Leslie and John.

450. What a hero you are.

451. Thank you for your service.

452. Oh, please, thank you.

453. The real heroes are still there,

454. - but I appreciate that.

455. - Thank you for your service.

456. - Thank you.

457. - You have a grateful nation.

458. And this is our friend, Larry.

459. - Hey.

460. Nice to meet you.

461. Um...

462. Yeah, it's, uh...

463. You know what?

464. Um... I'm gonna excuse myself.

465. Victor.

466. - Victor.

467. - What? What? What's...

468. You didn't thank him

469. for his service, asshole.

470. They thanked him.

471. Three people thanked him.

472. Why do I have to thank him?

473. Fuck, how hard would it have been?

474. "Thank you for your service."

475. Does everybody

476. have to thank him for his service?

477. Now you've ruined everything, Larry.

478. I'm making all this delicious salmon,

479. and the whole night is ruined.

480. - Are you sautéing that?

481. - Yes.

482. Would you mind broiling mine?

483. - That a face?

484. - Get the fuck out. Leave.

485. Hmm. Okay. Thank you

486. for serving the hors d'oeuvres.

487. Out!

488. - Um...

489. Thank you for being

490. a very good manager.

491. Thank you for coming over

492. in this brisk weather.

493. Thank you for leaving!

494. Must be a lot of work

495. carrying the mail bag around.

496. You know what you could use?

497. You could use a caddy on the route.

498. - I would love a mail caddy.

499. - Right?

500. - Are you kidding me?

501. - They carry the mail for you.

502. - Yes.

503. - 'Cause you walk

504. as much as I do on a golf course.

505. - And, you know, you're carrying...

506. - Probably more.

507. - I have a caddy.

508. - I would love a mail caddy.

509. They'll give you instructions.

510. "Okay, go up the path,

511. "make a right." You know,

512. "Watch out for the dog."

513. - Yeah.

514. - I'll mail caddy for you.

515. - Would you?

516. - Yeah.

517. Just talk to the US government.

518. I think your mom would be so proud.

519. All right, so what do you want again?

520. You want the... Did you say Milk Duds?

521. - Milk Duds, Reese's Pieces...

522. - Really?

523. Junior Mints, popcorn, big popcorn.

524. - And we'll mix them all together.

525. - We'll what?

526. Oh, it's...

527. It's like the perfect bite.

528. It's like a little sweet

529. and a little salty.

530. The textures...

531. What are you mixing

532. sweet and salty for?

533. They're in conflict.

534. No, they're in cahoots.

535. I don't want Reese's Pieces

536. in my popcorn.

537. It's the perfect movie treat,

538. I promise.

539. Do you have the tickets?

540. Oh, yeah. Here you go.

541. Oh, hey, thanks. All right.

542. - I'll get a seat.

543. - Get me an aisle.

544. - Thank you.

545. - Okay.

546. Jean? Jean?

547. Jean?

548. Jean?

549. Jean? Jean?

550. Jean?

551. Shh.

552. - Yeah, okay, okay.

553. Sorry, sorry.

554. - Jean?

555. Shh!

556. Jean? Jean? Jean!

557. I'm right here. I'm here.

558. Oh. Oh, there you are. Great.

559. Excuse me. Sorry. Excuse me.

560. Sorry. Excuse me. Excuse me.

561. You're so loud.

562. I'm so loud?

563. I don't understand.

564. I've been looking for you

565. for five minutes.

566. - How come you didn't beckon?

567. - Why didn't I beckon?

568. Yes, you beckon. You knew

569. I was coming into the theater.

570. You gotta wave. You gotta go

571. like this so I can see you.

572. Just look around. I'm right here.

573. I can't see anything from down there.

574. I'm not gonna make a scene.

575. Who's telling you to make a scene?

576. Just wave. Beckon, beckon.

577. You gotta beckon.

578. - That's making a scene.

579. - Beckoning is not making a scene.

580. Making a scene is calling out

581. the name Jean ten times.

582. Would you shut up?

583. - You shut up.

584. Didn't have to call out my name.

585. I did because I couldn't find you.

586. - All you had to do was look.

587. - I did look.

588. What the fuck is going on here?

589. Okay, well,

590. guess I'll see you tomorrow.

591. Yeah, yeah, you're delivering.

592. Yeah.

593. You know what?

594. I think we ought to go back

595. to our previous relationship

596. of homeowner and mailwoman.

597. 'Cause I gotta tell you,

598. I have a very difficult time

599. dating somebody who I'm seeing

600. on a daily basis, with you,

601. like, six times a week.

602. You know, I've gotta

603. psych myself up for dates.

604. It's a big performance.

605. I gotta shower and shave

606. and prepare witticisms,

607. and, you know, it's a whole thing...

608. Is this what you did for tonight?

609. Did you prepare

610. witticisms for tonight?

611. Yeah, that whole thing about

612. the made-up

613. Jewish holiday, Shecooktus,

614. that was all,

615. that was prepared beforehand, yeah.

616. - Oh.

617. - Yeah.

618. If you're working for UPS,

619. and I saw you maybe two times a week,

620. that would be fine.

621. But I have to see you

622. six times a week.

623. So, I'd love to hit the reset button

624. and just, you know,

625. we go back to homeowner-mailwoman.

626. No.

627. - Why... No?

628. - No.

629. What, you feel we're beyond resetting?

630. - Yeah, I think we are.

631. - Why?

632. - Why?

633. - Yeah, you reset.

634. - Let's hit the button.

635. - I don't think I can do that.

636. Yeah, we hit the big button.

637. You can't just press a button.

638. You can't just press a button.

639. Why, why... Why not?

640. - That a face?

641. What... What was it?

642. What did the face mean?

643. What?

644. Good night.

645. - Mr. David.

646. - Hey, Sal.

647. Whatever happened to rabbit ears?

648. I can't tell you how many times

649. my cable has gone down

650. right in the middle

651. of one of my favorite shows.

652. - Really?

653. - Does that ever happen to you?

654. It's one of those things.

655. You're sitting, you're enjoying,

656. you've got a nice little

657. cup of coffee made,

658. you're ready to enjoy the news,

659. a little TV show,

660. boom, what happens?

661. The cable goes down.

662. - Sal, Sal.

663. - You've had that? Isn't it horrible?

664. We can't do this anymore.

665. Do what, sir?

666. I'd like to hit the reset button

667. on our relationship

668. and go back to the way it was

669. before I ever put the window down

670. and started talking.

671. You know, just drive in

672. with the window up,

673. wave and move on.

674. - You know, like everybody else.

675. - You don't enjoy our conversations?

676. No, I wouldn't say

677. I don't enjoy them, but...

678. - I haven't upset you in any way...

679. - No, I'm just...

680. - I'm very anxious to play...

681. - I don't mean to be forward, sir.

682. No, no, no,

683. it's nothing like that at all.

684. - I just like to go to the golf course.

685. - Yes, of course.

686. - You want to play with your friends.

687. - Yeah. Yeah.

688. I understand exactly

689. what you're saying, Mr. David.

690. - I'm excited to play, and I can't...

691. - Well, you can be excited.

692. You won't have me

693. to worry about any more.

694. It's not that I'm worried about...

695. It wasn't that.

696. Come on, don't be mad.

697. - I'm not mad, sir.

698. - I mean, I'll still drive by.

699. I'll still see you with the window up,

700. and I'll see you with the window up

701. and I'll wave,

702. you know, the way it used to be.

703. Good.

704. Good day, mister.

705. Sorry.

706. Sorry.

707. I'm sorry.

708. Listen, I guess,

709. I don't wanna keep harping on it,

710. but Victor is so obsessed.

711. I won't even say hurt.

712. He's obsessed with you not

713. thanking him for his service.

714. It really makes him nuts.

715. There's something about the expression

716. that I can't quite

717. get it out of my mouth.

718. 'Cause remember, he loves Seinfeld,

719. was so looking forward

720. to spending time with you.

721. - He just wanted you to...

722. - Wow, really? My God.

723. - Just acknowledge the guy.

724. - Is there anything I can do?

725. Should I take him out to lunch?

726. You know that Sal

727. at the gate, the security guard?

728. - Mmm-hmm.

729. - He does this, uh...

730. Revolutionary War reenactment stuff.

731. There's one coming up

732. right here at Will Rogers.

733. Okay.

734. Do you have any idea

735. how big that would be for him?

736. I've heard him talk

737. about those things.

738. - Really?

739. - Yes. He's never gone.

740. He would love it!

741. Oh, my God, would he love it.

742. We'll do it.

743. We'll dress up as soldiers.

744. - You dress on up.

745. - I'd love to.

746. So it is a good thing

747. you lowered your window.

748. - Yeah.

749. - Sir, Mr. Takahashi

750. - would like a word with you.

751. - Okay.

752. Well, send him my best.

753. This can't be good.

754. Oh. Hey, Chef Curtis.

755. - Hi.

756. - Hi. You got a second?

757. Uh... Sure.

758. Do you remember the other day, uh...

759. A waiter asked

760. if you would broil the sole?

761. - Yeah, that's... Yep.

762. - Remember that?

763. And I'm wondering

764. when he asked you that question,

765. did you... Did you make a face,

766. by any chance?

767. I may have made

768. a small face, probably.

769. - You made a small face?

770. - Sure.

771. Would you mind showing me that face?

772. - I'd love to see it.

773. It's...

774. - I don't think that's...

775. - I'd love to see the face.

776. Nobody's watching.

777. Come on, make a face, make a face.

778. It was probably something like...

779. - Really?

780. - Yeah, that's...

781. You did a semi-horse whinny?

782. I mean,

783. if you wanna call it that, sure.

784. Wow, that's a pretty strong reaction.

785. Well, it was a strong request.

786. - Was it?

787. - Yeah.

788. You know, I prepare it

789. the way I prepare it...

790. - I gotta tell you something.

791. - Because it's better.

792. That's not the face that

793. the waiter presented to me.

794. The face that was presented

795. to me was more like...

796. I don't...

797. No, I would never make that face.

798. That face doesn't even

799. communicate anything.

800. What's that?

801. Maybe it was more...

802. - No, that's... I don't.

803. - It was definitely an expulsion...

804. There was an expulsion

805. of air, I'm sure.

806. That doesn't seem close.

807. - Not close?

808. - No, it doesn't seem close.

809. All right, so, anyway,

810. I want to apologize.

811. Had I known that you made

812. a horse whinny with an eye roll,

813. I never would've told you to broil it.

814. - I made a face, so...

815. - You know what?

816. Well, yes, look,

817. there he is, right here.

818. I'm gonna go talk to him. Hey.

819. So, remember the other day,

820. you made the face

821. the chef made for me?

822. - I remember.

823. - Yeah, well,

824. I gotta say,

825. you weren't even, not even close.

826. Massively undersold it.

827. What are you talking about?

828. The chef said that

829. he went like this...

830. - No.

831. - That's nothing like what you did.

832. No, when I went back to him, I said,

833. "Can you broil the sole?"

834. And he said...

835. And I came back and I showed you...

836. - No, the chef went...

837. - With an eye roll...

838. - I mean, he looked up.

839. - I don't think it was an eye roll.

840. - It was definitely an eye roll.

841. Shh. He went...

842. Not even that. He went...

843. No. According to him, he was...

844. No. I went in, and I said,

845. "Can you broil it?"

846. He said...

847. And then I came back to you

848. and I said...

849. All right, well, it's a little

850. confusing, I must say.

851. I brought you exactly what he gave me.

852. It's a clash of faces.

853. Enter.

854. You wanna see me, Mr. Takahashi?

855. - Yes.

856. - Close the door?

857. Yes.

858. No.

859. Um...

860. So, what is the nature of the summons?

861. It has been brought to my attention

862. that you have disgraced Ken Carmen

863. and his wife, Shelly.

864. Oh, no.

865. I made a comment about their child.

866. I said it looked a little Asian,

867. and it does look a little Asian.

868. - So what? It's a compliment.

869. - Stop!

870. We will decide

871. what punitive action to take.

872. Punitive action? Why? Why?

873. Expect a letter soon.

874. - Soon?

875. - Yes.

876. A day? Two days? Four days?

877. Everybody know what "soon" is.

878. I don't know what "soon" is.

879. Soon is soon.

880. - Soon is not soon.

881. - Soon is soon.

882. Soon is not soon.

883. Soon is when I say it is.

884. All right, I'll expect a letter

885. in a couple of days

886. unless you tell me

887. otherwise right now.

888. Go!

889. Go.

890. Hey, did you get the mail today?

891. - Haven't seen any mail.

892. - Did you check the box?

893. Twice. No mail.

894. - Haven't seen any mail in three days.

895. Hello. Who is it?

896. Hey. Did you get mail today?

897. Of course I got the mail today.

898. - Why? What's wrong?

899. - Oh... Fuck!

900. All right, thanks.

901. - Damn it!

902. - Mmm-hmm.

903. We're not getting mail.

904. The mailwoman has stopped delivering

905. since I... Since our date.

906. Had the same situation

907. with a girl at Burger King.

908. Haven't had a Whopper

909. in fucking three years.

910. Yeah. You can't go back there, right?

911. - Can't go back there.

912. - I know, you can never go out

913. with somebody you have

914. contact with on a daily basis

915. or weekly basis or yearly basis.

916. You can only date people

917. you don't know

918. and you'll never, ever see.

919. She has a route to do.

920. She fucking delivers mail.

921. She has a fucking route

922. she gotta fucking hit.

923. There's also a post office credo.

924. They should put "spite" in there.

925. "Neither rain nor snow

926. nor heat nor spite

927. "shall keep these couriers."

928. That'd be cool,

929. but that's not how this shit work.

930. You hit the fucking reset button.

931. I wanted to go back

932. to just her delivering mail

933. and me saying hello.

934. Now look at us, no fucking mail.

935. You know how much shit I got

936. coming to this house?

937. - What?

938. - I got my CD of the Month Club.

939. I'm not getting my fucking CDs,

940. my DVDs, all kinds of shit comes here.

941. Yeah, you know what I got?

942. I got a letter from Mr. Takahashi,

943. who I'm waiting for,

944. and I'll never get it now.

945. And now I don't know

946. if I'm in the club or not.

947. So, next time you tap that ass...

948. I didn't tap... I didn't tap any ass.

949. Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. Wait a minute.

950. You didn't tear that ass up?

951. No.

952. - Just a fucking date?

953. - That's it.

954. You didn't hit it?

955. And you going through

956. the same shit if you had hit it?

957. Nope, nope.

958. I didn't hit it, I didn't tap it,

959. I didn't tear into it,

960. and we still get no mail.

961. Unbelievable.

962. Hey, Sal!

963. Hey, Sal, put the gate up?

964. I'm expecting this letter

965. from the club,

966. but I had a fight with my mailwoman,

967. so I'm not getting any mail,

968. and I just wanted

969. to go find out about what...

970. What the letter was all about, so.

971. You're supposed to get a letter?

972. Yeah, but the mailwoman

973. wouldn't... Wouldn't deliver it.

974. And why is that, Mr. David?

975. Uh... I hit the reset button.

976. - Oh, that button. Yeah.

977. - Yeah.

978. You've hit that before,

979. haven't you, sir?

980. Unfortunately, Mr. David,

981. you are at the very top

982. of the Do Not Admit list.

983. - You're kidding.

984. - Mmm-hmm.

985. - Oh, Sal.

986. - It's the truth.

987. - Huge misunderstanding here.

988. - Let me double-check.

989. No, you're completely forbidden

990. from entering the premises.

991. You're not gonna open the gate?

992. You're on our list, sir.

993. You know what, I was

994. the only one in this club

995. who ever spoke to you.

996. Sir, please back out.

997. I regret every conversation

998. I had to sit through.

999. - So unbelievably boring...

1000. - Do I need to call security?

1001. About your fucking cat...

1002. I will call security

1003. or I will deal with you myself, sir.

1004. Not one person spoke to you except me.

1005. And now I'm being punished for it?

1006. Sir, you can back out, please.

1007. Ten years I came up here,

1008. I put the window down.

1009. I talked to you, and I was suffocating

1010. from the bullshit and drivel

1011. that was coming out of your mouth...

1012. Back out your car, please.

1013. And don't bump into the speaker

1014. on your way out.

1015. - Fine.

1016. Huh? What do you think, Victor?

1017. That's a good look.

1018. - Yeah?

1019. - Yeah.

1020. Yeah, you look very honorable.

1021. Hey, look who's here.

1022. - Hi.

1023. - Good morning, gentlemen.

1024. Good morning, Mr. Franklin.

1025. And how are you this fine day?

1026. I am fine. And you?

1027. I'm well, thank you.

1028. Now, gentlemen, make haste slowly.

1029. - Make haste slowly.

1030. - Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

1031. Make haste slowly.

1032. - Huh? You like that?

1033. - Yeah, I like that.

1034. Attention, camp.

1035. His Excellency,

1036. General George Washington.

1037. Thank you, General,

1038. for the kind introduction.

1039. As you were, gentlemen.

1040. And who are these fine gentlemen here?

1041. Recruits, sir.

1042. Private Chesnik

1043. reporting for duty, sir.

1044. Lieutenant David

1045. reporting for duty, sir.

1046. Lieutenant?

1047. - I elevated myself somewhat, yes.

1048. Okay, well, are you ready

1049. to die for your country?

1050. I'm ready to play dead for my country,

1051. which nobody could do like I can,

1052. if I put my mind to it.

1053. Indeed, well, gentlemen,

1054. I have lots of work to do

1055. to tend to an army,

1056. - so we shall see you at the end.

1057. Yes. Go, tend to your army.

1058. - Thank you very much.

1059. - Yes.

1060. - He's quite a disappointment.

1061. Attention!

1062. Battalion!

1063. Company!

1064. Ready!

1065. - Forward at the half step.

1066. All right!

1067. March!

1068. - March!

1069. Ready!

1070. Forward march!

1071. Battalion, halt!

1072. Halt!

1073. Front rank, ready?

1074. Make ready!

1075. Take aim!

1076. Fire!

1077. Fire!

1078. What are you... What are you doing?

1079. You got three hours to go here.

1080. Are you crazy? Get up. This is nuts.

1081. By God,

1082. sir, get back in rank.

1083. You're not gonna have any fun.

1084. Come on, he's not gonna have any fun.

1085. That's not fair. It's not fair.

1086. Let him live. Let him live.

1087. Larry, come on, get back in line.

1088. - Fall back, come on.

1089. - No. It's so stupid.

1090. Reload! Reload!

1091. Hey, Larry.

1092. What the hell was that?

1093. - What was that?

1094. Was that real?

1095. There's a crater in the ground.

1096. Oh, my God!

1097. Larry! Larry!

1098. What the hell is this, man?

1099. - This is real! This is real!

1100. - Oh, my God.

1101. Somebody's shooting at us, man!

1102. Ah! Incoming!

1103. It's live rounds, Larry!

1104. - What the fuck?

1105. - It's Sal!

1106. - Sal? Who's Sal?

1107. - Sal.

1108. He's a security guard

1109. from my golf club.

1110. Why is he trying to kill us, man?

1111. Since I told him I didn't wanna say

1112. hello to him anymore.

1113. - What?

1114. - Yeah.

1115. Hello, Sal! I'm sorry!

1116. Incoming!

1117. Hello!

1118. How's your cat?

1119. Hello, Sal. How you doing?

1120. Hot. Hot contact,

1121. hot contact. We need air now.

1122. Man down! Man down!

1123. Come on! Come on!

1124. Let's go! Come on!

1125. For Britain and King George!

1126. Charge!

1127. Larry! Larry, get up, get up.

1128. Are you all right?

1129. - Yeah. I'm good, yeah.

1130. - Oh, fuck...

1131. - What the...

1132. Motherfucking redcoats.

1133. God, those motherfuckers.

1134. - God damn it, what the hell was that?

1135. - Come on, come on.

1136. Fuck. God damn it.

1137. Come on.

1138. I have no idea where we are.

1139. No idea.

1140. You know what?

1141. I think I know where the car is.

1142. I think it's that way.

1143. Yeah.

1144. "Mister Tee"?

1145. Hey, that's Mr. Takahashi's car.

1146. Who's Mr. Takahashi?

1147. What the hell is he doing here?

1148. - Oh, fuck.

1149. Oh, my God.

1150. Ken's wife?

1151. This is interesting,

1152. because I was coming over to the car

1153. to ask you about the letter,

1154. but I don't think that'll be

1155. necessary any more.

1156. Do me a favor,

1157. will you call the club and tell them

1158. I'm coming over to play some golf?

1159. Okay.

1160. See you at the club. Take care.

1161. I knew that baby

1162. looked a little Asian.

1163. Hey, let's play some golf.

1164. I don't know.

1165. What? No, come on. It'll be fun.

1166. I think the car's that way.

1167. Hello, Mr. David. Nice to meet you.

1168. I'm Randy. I'm new here.

1169. How are you?

1170. I was told you'd be heading over.

1171. Yeah.

1172. That's how you do it.

1173. All right, look, you know,

1174. I got clothes in my locker

1175. we can wear,

1176. or we could just

1177. take these jackets off.

1178. Doesn't really matter

1179. what we're playing in.

1180. What the fuck is this?

1181. You all right?

1182. Oh, fuck.

1183. Pull over! Pull over!

1184. - Ten o'clock. Redcoats, man.

1185. Larry, there's fucking redcoats, man.

1186. - You motherfuckers.

1187. Hey.

1188. Don't tread on me, motherfuckers.

1189. - Come on! Yeah!

1190. - Hey! No!

1191. It's your last day,

1192. you bitches.

1193. - Get the fuck out of here!

1194. - They're valets!

1195. Come on, man.

1196. Hey, please.

1197. Hey, asshole, here's your mail.

1198. Welcome home, soldier.

1199. Thank you for your service.