Curb Your Enthusiasm 9x4

1. Salman Rushdie

2. told me to live my life.

3. And, you know,

4. I'm not thinking about it

5. as much as I used to,

6. and so far, so good.

7. That's great.

8. I know what I wanted

9. to talk to you about.

10. I'm having this dream.

11. - Right.

12. - I've had it, like, three times.

13. I'm in this room

14. and there's all these virgins,

15. beautiful virgins, my God,

16. and they all wanna have sex with me.

17. Wow.

18. And I count, I keep counting them up,

19. and I can only count 71.

20. One, two, three, four, five, six,

21. I'm counting with my head,

22. seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12...

23. Sometimes I'll start over.

24. One, two, three, four...

25. Right, the head count.

26. Are you expecting more or less?

27. I'm expecting 72.

28. What if you just miscounted?

29. That's a possibility.

30. So, were you tempted

31. to have sex with them?

32. Well, I wanted to,

33. but I was too concerned

34. with the missing 72nd.

35. That was the issue.

36. What's interesting to me

37. is that I find you're focused

38. on the number of women

39. who apparently are

40. very interested in you, and yet,

41. Larry, you seem preoccupied.

42. I'm just wondering,

43. have you ever noticed

44. the disparity in these two chairs?

45. Your chair is so much better

46. than this one.

47. This is not

48. a comfortable chair at all.

49. Did you buy these chairs?

50. Yes, I bought both of them.

51. - You picked out both of them?

52. - I picked them out, yeah.

53. What was going through your head

54. when you picked out this chair?

55. You picked out

56. a great chair for yourself.

57. That's a gorgeous chair.

58. I would have that in my house.

59. But this one, it's not comfortable.

60. I'm constantly shifting

61. from side to side.

62. You have the comfortable chair.

63. You have taken the good chair.

64. That's interesting,

65. you are the first and only patient

66. who has ever said

67. anything negative about that chair.

68. I don't find that interesting at all.

69. Well, I do, and that's my job,

70. to find things interesting.

71. - Well...

72. - Interesting with the chair.

73. I don't know what

74. you're writing over there.

75. Chair issues.

76. I think there's something deeper.

77. I don't think you're writing anything.

78. - No, I could show you.

79. - Huh?

80. - I could show you.

81. - I mean, you're a nice man,

82. but, you know, do you do that much?

83. - Between you and me?

84. - Don't you think that I do

85. a significant amount of help to you?

86. - No.

87. - Really?

88. May I be honest with you?

89. I hope that you can always

90. be honest with me.

91. Well, I'm often never honest with you,

92. but here's what I'm proposing.

93. I think you should go chair shopping.

94. I think you need another chair.

95. And you know what else?

96. I'm willing to go

97. chair shopping with you.

98. Will you think about it?

99. I don't know, but I do know

100. that the session is over,

101. and so we'll have

102. to pick this up next time.

103. It's tough for you to have

104. to look at that watch, isn't it?

105. It must be a little awkward.

106. You know I see it.

107. I know you see it.

108. I'm not trying to sneak it.

109. You can't, you're trying to do

110. a little sneaky watch peek.

111. I'm not trying to do

112. a sneaky watch peek,

113. I'm trying to be

114. efficient with our time.

115. Why don't you put a clock behind me

116. so you can have a clock,

117. you know, when the time's up?

118. - But, okay.

119. - Nevertheless, it is over,

120. and I'm looking forward

121. to seeing you again next week.

122. So, you got big plans for the weekend?

123. This weekend

124. and all through next week,

125. my wife and I go out

126. every single night

127. to a different restaurant

128. because it's truffle season.

129. It's wonderful. Do you like truffles?

130. No, I loathe them. They're disgusting.

131. Oh.

132. - To each his own.

133. - Yeah.

134. - Okay. Thank you, Larry.

135. Okay. And, by the way,

136. any time you wanna

137. get rid of me as a patient,

138. just say, "I've had enough."

139. It'll be okay with me.

140. Oh, dear God.

141. Oh, dear.

142. Hey. How about this?

143. I don't even know how to react.

144. It's unbelievable.

145. So, over at the table over there,

146. the young lady in the red dress?

147. Yeah, yeah, I saw her earlier.

148. She is a big-time real estate agent.

149. - Yeah?

150. - Okay, yes.

151. What are you doing?

152. You looking for a house?

153. Well, I'm gonna go out

154. looking for houses,

155. but I'm not looking for a house.

156. Wow. What a diabolical plan this is.

157. It's a date,

158. but they don't know it's a date.

159. - Yes.

160. - And if I want another date,

161. I just go, "You know what?

162. This house doesn't appeal to me.

163. "Tomorrow, are you good

164. to see another house?"

165. - Doesn't cost you a nickel.

166. - Nope.

167. She's excited to be with me.

168. She wants to please me.

169. - She wants to please you.

170. - Yeah.

171. - Thank you. I appreciate it.

172. - Hey. Look at this.

173. - Thank you very much.

174. Ho-ho!

175. They love me. They're loving it.

176. Thank you very much.

177. Congratulations.

178. - You don't have to buy any of them.

179. - You know...

180. - Well, I wasn't gonna buy any,

181. but, still, I can congratulate you.

182. - Yes.

183. - Are you vying for the title

184. of the most pretentious man

185. in the world?

186. - What, this?

187. - Yes.

188. I've had this for decades.

189. It looks like

190. the Little Drummer Boy's funeral.

191. This is what

192. he's wearing in the casket.

193. That's very funny.

194. I never showed you

195. my paintings at home

196. because I knew you would

197. just mock me and destroy me, so,

198. - a big night for me.

199. - Anyway, congratulations.

200. - Here for support.

201. - This is quite a display here.

202. Do you understand any of it?

203. - No.

204. - No, it's very confusing.

205. - You don't under...

206. - I don't think you do, either.

207. Let me show you one,

208. a painting I just sold.

209. - I'm very excited.

210. - Then maybe you could explain

211. - the mystery of that one.

212. I will.

213. This is one of my favorites.

214. Yeah, so I sold this to a restaurant,

215. and I'm really proud of it.

216. - Who is that?

217. - It's a self-portrait.

218. That's you?

219. What do you think

220. a self-portrait means?

221. Yeah, that's me.

222. That's, like, you from 50 years ago.

223. - No, this is me now.

224. - What?

225. You honestly feel you look like that?

226. A hundred percent.

227. You know what?

228. I think I want a portrait

229. by Richard Lewis.

230. Yeah, well, look,

231. he's gonna make you look great.

232. Maybe you could paint me with hair.

233. - Hey.

234. Did you hear about

235. Marty Funkhouser's nephew, Kenny?

236. - Yeah.

237. - He died.

238. - Unbelievable.

239. - It's so sad.

240. I know.

241. He was supposed to be

242. going to Stanford.

243. - Yeah.

244. - You heard what happened, right?

245. - Mixed up with a prostitute.

246. - Prostitute, right.

247. - Followed her to Europe.

248. - Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

249. Ended up going to Pamplona

250. to run with the bulls.

251. - And got trampled.

252. - I know.

253. How does a young boy

254. get involved with a prostitute?

255. Well, I can only surmise

256. that he was in need

257. of a prostitute for some reason.

258. He met with the prostitute,

259. and he was in love with her

260. and followed her over there.

261. How do you know these details?

262. I'm just putting two and two together.

263. - Where's the two and two?

264. - Well, two and two,

265. you got a high school senior,

266. he has an experience

267. with a prostitute,

268. and then is so enamored,

269. that he follows her

270. all the way to Spain.

271. Again, very detailed.

272. No, I'm just putting

273. two and two together, that's all.

274. Again, I don't see the two and two.

275. - There's two and there's another two.

276. - I don't see it.

277. - It doesn't really add up.

278. It's one and one together.

279. - Honestly. It's too much.

280. - It's shocking.

281. - It's shocking.

282. He got trampled to death.

283. Well, that's not so shocking.

284. You're running with the bulls.

285. It'd be shocking if he didn't die.

286. - That's the shock.

287. - What?

288. It's what men do.

289. They want to impress girls,

290. so they do crazy stuff like that.

291. He wanted to impress the prostitute?

292. Yeah, usually you don't have

293. to impress a prostitute.

294. Well, remember when we were dating

295. and we went horseback riding,

296. and I galloped and almost fell off?

297. I was just trying to impress you.

298. Yeah,

299. but she's not a prostitute.

300. - But I was having sex with her.

301. - But you weren't paying her for it.

302. - Okay.

303. - Right, right.

304. Oh!

305. Marty, I am so sorry.

306. - I'm so sorry to hear about Kenny.

307. - Thank you.

308. Really sorry.

309. It's the worst thing

310. that's happened to me in my life.

311. I mean, he's like a son I never had.

312. Although my daughter is transitioning.

313. - Ah, how's that going? Good.

314. - So far, so good.

315. I saw her a couple of weeks ago.

316. She looked pretty good.

317. - Yeah, well, she's a "he" now, so.

318. - Yeah, he.

319. When is she getting the penis?

320. He's talking about it.

321. It takes time to decide.

322. If he gets the penis,

323. do they throw in the balls?

324. Marty, I'm so sorry about Kenny.

325. Is there anything we can do?

326. I'd love you to come to the memorial.

327. - We wouldn't miss it.

328. - I appreciate it.

329. Sorry, we have

330. an early dinner to go to.

331. Dinner? It's 3:30.

332. - Dinner?

333. - Hey, you better be at the memorial.

334. One sec.

335. Hey, Cheryl,

336. um, let me ask you a question.

337. When you're at Dr. Templeton's office,

338. we share the same therapist,

339. you ever notice how his chair

340. is so much better and bigger

341. than that dinky chair

342. that he gives to us?

343. I've never thought about

344. the chair when I was in therapy.

345. What do you think about that?

346. I'm just so happy you're

347. seeing somebody, pal, I really do.

348. - I think it's great. Do you like him?

349. - I'm only seeing him because

350. of the whole fatwa business,

351. that's all.

352. - Believe me.

353. - Well, don't make me sorry

354. that I recommended him to you.

355. I'm not talking about you.

356. - Okay.

357. - Are you talking about me?

358. - We should go. Yeah.

359. - Yeah.

360. All I'm saying is

361. next time you're there,

362. just be kind of aware of the chairs

363. and the striking difference

364. between the two,

365. and tell me that I'm not crazy.

366. Uh,

367. We do have reservations at Mélisse.

368. - Do you know Mélisse?

369. - Mélisse?

370. Good choice. It's truffle season.

371. What?

372. How do you know it's truffle season?

373. Dr. Templeton told me.

374. What do you talk about

375. in your sessions?

376. - That's okay. Okay.

377. - He loves truffles.

378. There's not enough room

379. to get my hand in there

380. to get the penis out.

381. I've never really come

382. across this problem before.

383. Can't get my penis out of my pants?

384. Have you ever heard of a short fly?

385. And I'm not gonna unbutton

386. and have them drop on the floor.

387. Look, here's a solution.

388. Index finger,

389. you take it, you go down,

390. put it in your zipper,

391. press down on the shaft,

392. allows your head to pop up.

393. - Pop up by itself.

394. - Huh!

395. - Press, pop up.

396. - Like tiddlywinks.

397. Yeah, like tiddlywinks.

398. Those pants might've been manufactured

399. in a country that has small penises.

400. So these pants fit the penis

401. from whence they came.

402. You're goddamn right.

403. Why would they make a little fly

404. in a country with big-ass dicks?

405. See, Imma tell you,

406. I don't have that problem

407. 'cause I buy my shit from Jamaica.

408. My pants. My slacks.

409. The manufacturer, he makes the jeans

410. for people with big-ass

411. fucking johnsons, like me.

412. Wow.

413. When I go to the bathroom

414. and I sit down on the toilet,

415. my johnson hangs in the water.

416. That's just such nonsense.

417. What are you saying that for?

418. I sit on the fucking toilet,

419. my shit goes

420. under the water, like this.

421. It's almost like

422. it grabs its fucking head,

423. and it goes in like this.

424. - Bullshit.

425. - All the fucking time.

426. - Penis touching the... Hey!

427. - When I sit down...

428. Hey.

429. Front door was unlocked.

430. - What?

431. You left the door unlocked again?

432. We never had that conversation, ever.

433. I gotta talk to you quickly.

434. You're having lunch with Lewis, right?

435. - Yeah.

436. - Okay, get there early.

437. Yeah, 'cause he takes

438. the good seat, yeah.

439. What's wrong with him?

440. I've never had lunch with him

441. in 20 years

442. where I haven't been

443. looking at a wall.

444. I say trick him the next time

445. in terms of what time lunch is.

446. No, I'm just gonna show up

447. a half hour earlier.

448. Uh, can we just have a moment alone?

449. Once I start laughing,

450. I'm a part of this shit.

451. Get the fuck out. You heard him.

452. It's all good.

453. - Yeah.

454. Let you handle your business.

455. I'm trying to be casual,

456. but it's really difficult.

457. Remember the realtor

458. from the art gallery?

459. - Yeah.

460. - Well, she had an open house,

461. and let's just say it stayed

462. open a little longer for me.

463. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

464. You had sex with her in an open house?

465. In an open house.

466. - That's unbelievable.

467. - Unbelievable.

468. And you know they have cookies

469. at the open houses.

470. - Yeah.

471. - Brought the cookies up with me,

472. - so we had sex...

473. - Oh, my God.

474. I had some cookies, took a nap.

475. On what?

476. Well, they have the staging furniture.

477. Wow.

478. Mmm.

479. Why? What?

480. What are you doing,

481. listening in to our conversation?

482. - Fuck, yeah, I was.

483. - He's listening to the whole thing?

484. Yes!

485. You said leave,

486. you didn't say I couldn't come back.

487. Now tell me where

488. that fucking house is at.

489. So, now I'm having this nightmare.

490. I'm in this room,

491. maybe it's a hall of some kind,

492. I can't really tell,

493. and there's a lot of people,

494. it's very crowded,

495. and I'm feeling a lot of anxiety.

496. And then all of a sudden,

497. I look up at this balcony

498. and I see this guy,

499. and he's wearing a big coat,

500. and, and... And I know

501. this is it, this is the fatwa.

502. This is it

503. and I can't get out, I'm trapped.

504. Can I stop you right there

505. for a second?

506. Can I tell you

507. what is really on my mind?

508. I have a little bit of an issue.

509. Please.

510. Cheryl was in just the other day.

511. Mmm-hmm.

512. And she brought me a gift.

513. You see this lovely assortment

514. of truffle oils?

515. Huh! What do you know about that?

516. How did Cheryl know

517. that my wife and I love truffles?

518. You told Cheryl.

519. Yeah, I told her

520. you love truffles, yeah.

521. There's been a breach

522. of the patient-doctor confidentiality.

523. There's no such thing

524. as patient-doctor confidentiality.

525. I think what you're referring to

526. is doctor-patient confidentiality,

527. and that's a whole

528. different ball game.

529. Larry, what I try to create here

530. is a circle of trust.

531. Can I have your arms for a second?

532. - I'd rather not.

533. - All right.

534. Well, then I'll do it

535. with my own arms.

536. - Yeah, use your own arms.

537. - Here it is like this...

538. - Yeah. Mmm-hmm.

539. - And it creates a circle.

540. And quite frankly,

541. nothing should leave this circle.

542. It should be ironclad.

543. All right, I apologize

544. if I betrayed

545. your confidence in any way,

546. and you have my word

547. that it will never, ever happen again.

548. Larry, I think this is a breakthrough.

549. - No, it's not a breakthrough.

550. - I think it's a breakthrough.

551. It's not a breakthrough.

552. I'm pretty sure it's a breakthrough.

553. I'm gonna write down "breakthrough."

554. Writing down "breakthrough"

555. is just a waste of everybody's time.

556. That whole pad,

557. you might as well throw it,

558. - it does nothing, that pad.

559. - "Breakthrough."

560. Anything else on your mind?

561. You know, I've got these pants, okay,

562. and they have a short fly.

563. Very hard to extricate the penis.

564. You ever had a pair of pants like that

565. where you can't get your penis out?

566. Once, I think, a while ago,

567. and someone told me of a method.

568. I think you unzip,

569. you dive down with your index finger,

570. - and... Pop up.

571. - Pops up.

572. - The tiddlywink...

573. - Tiddlywink!

574. - Yeah.

575. - Yeah. That might work.

576. My friend told me the same thing.

577. Listen, Barneys Warehouse

578. is having a sale

579. and I'm sure they have

580. a variety of long-fly slacks.

581. All right, maybe I'll check it out.

582. Well, I see that it is time to go.

583. Do you know how I know that?

584. Wait a second.

585. Look at that!

586. I cannot tell you

587. how happy I am about that.

588. It has made my life easier.

589. You see? Everything's working.

590. All we gotta do is fix these chairs.

591. I will call you first

592. if I ever decide to go chair shopping.

593. - Excellent.

594. - Thank you.

595. - All right.

596. - All right, Larry.

597. - Good afternoon.

598. - Welcome to Rustic Canyon.

599. - I have a reservation for David.

600. I'm about 20 minutes early.

601. Fantastic. The rest of your party

602. has already arrived.

603. It's unbelievable.

604. How long's he been here?

605. - About 10 minutes.

606. - Ah.

607. - Okay, thank you.

608. - Enjoy.

609. - Did you get here early enough?

610. - I got here when I got here.

611. I'm here 20 minutes early,

612. and he said you were here

613. 10 minutes before me.

614. That puts you here

615. a half hour before the reservation.

616. Well, you got here early, too.

617. Yeah, because I wanted

618. to beat you to the good seat,

619. 'cause you always

620. have to get the good seat.

621. - That's not true.

622. - It is true.

623. Come on, I got this fatwa.

624. I can't sit here

625. with my back to the door.

626. I already ordered something,

627. and I've touched all the...

628. That doesn't mean anything.

629. We'll get new silverware.

630. - You'll get a disease or something.

631. - I don't care.

632. - So you're not gonna let me sit there?

633. - No fucking way.

634. You know what,

635. the next time we have lunch,

636. you better set your alarm

637. for 7:00 in the morning.

638. I'm setting my alarm for 6:30,

639. you prick.

640. Is that so?

641. I'll be staying up all night

642. waiting outside that door

643. for them to open it.

644. I'll be here before the owner.

645. Yeah? Well, I got news for you.

646. I got perks.

647. They bought my picture,

648. so I'm gonna sleep in the kitchen.

649. You lost, pal.

650. Oh, yeah! Close that deal!

651. You close the deal!

652. You close the deal!

653. Make me an offer!

654. I've seen every house

655. that's for sale in Brentwood,

656. and I've had sex in every house

657. that's for sale in Brentwood.

658. We even had sex in a house

659. that was in escrow.

660. - Yes.

661. - You don't have to worry about hotels,

662. - anything like that.

663. - Nothing.

664. You go to these houses.

665. And let's say I'm driving around

666. a different neighborhood

667. and I see a house that's for sale,

668. gets me kind of horny.

669. She is not only a good-looking woman,

670. but she's so stylish.

671. Very sharp.

672. - She's very sharp.

673. - I need to up my game.

674. Now, don't get me wrong,

675. it's a nice suit,

676. but it's four years old.

677. You know what?

678. Barneys is having a warehouse sale.

679. The fuck do you know

680. from Barneys having a warehouse sale?

681. Never thought I'd hear those words

682. coming out of your mouth.

683. - I heard.

684. - What do you mean, you heard?

685. Who would've told you that?

686. I don't know.

687. - I just heard somewhere.

688. - You heard?

689. You wanna explain yourself?

690. Would you like to tell me

691. what I need to explain?

692. Well, I just got off the phone

693. with Jane Kleinberg,

694. and she told me she saw you

695. in a car with another woman.

696. Well, do you know who that woman is?

697. - No, I do not.

698. - She is a realtor.

699. - Yeah.

700. - And I am looking for houses.

701. I was surprising you

702. by buying a house.

703. - Really?

704. - Yeah.

705. He was just telling me all about it,

706. and now you ruined the surprise.

707. - Well, that's very sweet of you.

708. - It is very sweet of me.

709. How about this guy, huh?

710. You're a lucky woman.

711. Thank you for the surprise

712. and I'm sorry it's ruined,

713. but, you know,

714. I never know with you two.

715. He's a beautiful man. A beautiful man.

716. That's right.

717. - You working here?

718. - Yes.

719. Hey, could you do me a favor?

720. I want to sit in the last row,

721. in the seat

722. that's closest to the door.

723. Can you reserve that for me?

724. Could you do that?

725. I'm sorry. We don't save seats.

726. You don't save seats?

727. What is that? That's a policy?

728. It's a memorial

729. and that's not part of it.

730. What about we make a little,

731. we make a little deal?

732. You get a little paid

733. for your trouble, huh?

734. It's five bucks.

735. Okay.

736. - Is that better?

737. - Which seat was it again?

738. - It was the last row?

739. - The last row closest to the door.

740. - Uh-huh. Yeah.

741. - Yeah.

742. - You got it.

743. - Thank you.

744. You're welcome.

745. DR.

746. a very troubled family.

747. Hey.

748. Hmm.

749. - Okay.

750. - Cheryl. Hey.

751. - Hey.

752. What's Dr. Templeton doing here?

753. Oh, you know, Marty is having

754. such a hard time

755. - with this whole thing.

756. - Is he?

757. So I suggested that he talk to Lionel.

758. - Lionel?

759. - Dr. Templeton.

760. You know, this is odd, though,

761. because when he passed me,

762. I gave him a very friendly hello.

763. I went, "Hey!"

764. And I get back...

765. And I couldn't tell

766. if it was a typical funeral nod

767. or if he's angry with me

768. because I want to change

769. the chair in the office.

770. Well, it seems like

771. it would be odd for him

772. - to give you a big hello at a funeral.

773. - I'm not asking

774. - for a big hello, Cheryl.

775. - A young man died

776. and these are all

777. of his friends and family.

778. I'm asking for a friendly hello.

779. "Ah." That's not big.

780. You know, maybe you should

781. make it less about you.

782. And by the way,

783. you really got me in a lot of trouble.

784. - Why?

785. - With Dr. Templeton.

786. Because you told him that I said

787. that he likes truffles.

788. I got him truffle oil as a gift.

789. I wasn't even talking about you.

790. - How...

791. - Well, he said it was a breach

792. of patient-doctor confidentiality,

793. which there's really no such thing.

794. Okay, well, then, you know what?

795. We should respect Lionel

796. and his process...

797. You don't have

798. to keep calling him Lionel.

799. Maybe it's getting too complicated

800. having the same therapist.

801. Gotta say,

802. you're looking sharp, sweetheart.

803. I like this three-piece.

804. I like the whole look.

805. - Yeah?

806. - This slims you.

807. It holds you in, it's great.

808. Where'd you get that?

809. Barneys, you said?

810. - Barneys Warehouse sale.

811. - Barneys Warehouse sale?

812. How the fuck did you know

813. about Barneys Warehouse sale?

814. Larry told me.

815. Larry told you about

816. Barneys Warehouse sale?

817. - Yeah.

818. - I find that

819. very difficult to believe.

820. - Why do you even give a shit?

821. - Larry! Lar!

822. Come over here.

823. There's always

824. something up with you two

825. that I can't trust, you know that?

826. Did you tell Jeff about

827. Barneys Warehouse sale?

828. - Yeah.

829. - Where'd you hear about that from?

830. That's so not you.

831. Uh...

832. I can't say.

833. What do you mean, you can't say?

834. I can't say who told me

835. about Barneys Warehouse sale.

836. I'm not at liberty to say.

837. It's a fucking sale, Larry.

838. Who gives a shit?

839. Just tell me who told you.

840. No, I will not and cannot tell you

841. who told me about

842. Barneys Warehouse sale.

843. All right, this is sounding

844. like bullshit now.

845. This sounds like another

846. one of your mishegoss bullshit things.

847. It's not. Just tell her.

848. That is confidential information,

849. which I will never reveal

850. under any circumstances.

851. Larry didn't tell you

852. about Barneys Warehouse.

853. - He told me about Barneys.

854. - No, he did not.

855. Clearly, he did not.

856. There's something going on...

857. That I cannot say.

858. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever.

859. That's it.

860. All right,

861. you're a fucking liar, Jeff.

862. I'm not a liar.

863. There's something

864. you're not telling me.

865. Dr. Templeton.

866. - Hey.

867. - Honey, I'll be right in.

868. Hey. Listen, I happened

869. to overhear that conversation,

870. and I'm very appreciative

871. that you respected

872. the patient-doctor confidentiality.

873. Hey, you're welcome.

874. You know, when somebody tells me

875. something, I take it to heart.

876. Glad to hear that.

877. You know, I noticed

878. when I said hello to you earlier,

879. I gave you a very hearty hello

880. and your response was kind of grim.

881. - Was that a funeral hello?

882. - Well, very observant.

883. It was a downward nod

884. indicating a solemn hello

885. as opposed to an upward nod

886. where it would be

887. a more joyous occasion.

888. Gotcha. So, you're not mad at me?

889. No, I'm not mad at you at all.

890. Have you considered my generous offer

891. to go chair shopping with you?

892. I have considered it, yes,

893. and I am declining it.

894. - Ah!

895. - I think if I go chair shopping,

896. I'll do it by myself. Thank you.

897. Well, you'll be making

898. the same mistake all over again.

899. You'll have a substandard chair

900. and a lot of unhappy clients.

901. That presumes a mistake

902. was made initially.

903. - Hmm.

904. - Now, if you'll excuse me,

905. Mrs. Templeton is waiting for me.

906. - How is Mrs. Templeton?

907. - She's quite well.

908. I'd like to meet her.

909. I don't think that is necessary,

910. really, Larry. Do you?

911. Cheryl tells me that she met her.

912. Oh, yes.

913. Cheryl and Mrs. Templeton

914. are quite friendly.

915. So, why can Cheryl meet her

916. and not me?

917. I don't get that.

918. Well, Mrs. Templeton

919. has already indicated

920. that she would rather not meet you.

921. Well, in any event, please give

922. my regards to Mrs. Templeton.

923. I probably won't.

924. Well, if you change your mind,

925. Lionel, you'll let me know.

926. Oh, Larry.

927. Would it be all right if you continued

928. to refer to me as Dr. Templeton?

929. Shalom and welcome

930. to the celebration of life

931. of Kenny Funkhouser.

932. We begin today

933. with the traditional memorial prayer,

934. Kel Maleh Rachamim.

935. Kel Maleh Rachamim

936. Hey, that's my seat.

937. What are you talking about?

938. I reserved that seat.

939. I gave the guy 20 bucks to reserve.

940. Look, here's the sign.

941. - You threw it on the floor?

942. - Fuck the reserved sign.

943. This is a memorial service,

944. not a Knick game.

945. You gotta respect the reserved sign.

946. This is the worst seat

947. in the whole house.

948. I did it because

949. the bathroom's 10 feet away...

950. See? It's a reserved sign.

951. You can't just throw it on the floor.

952. It should say "asshole,"

953. not "reserved."

954. Do me a favor and beat it, will you?

955. - Just get out of here.

956. - I got a fatwa I gotta deal with here.

957. - I need that seat.

958. - I'm sorry about your fatwa,

959. but I got a problem

960. with my urinary tract.

961. You always have to have

962. the good seat, don't you?

963. Always. That was my seat.

964. You took it again.

965. It wasn't your seat.

966. - You took it again!

967. - I didn't.

968. - The Lord is his portion.

969. What happened to the seat?

970. - May he rest in peace.

971. - I gave you $20.

972. I know, I reserved it,

973. but he just ignored it.

974. - Amen.

975. Get him out of there.

976. - He's a mourner.

977. - He's not mourning.

978. He's mourning, 'cause

979. he's losing his hair on the top.

980. - That's what he's mourning.

981. - I'm an usher, I'm not a bouncer.

982. Okay, you know what? Forget it.

983. You're the last usher I ever bribe.

984. Fear not death.

985. We are all destined to die.

986. - We share it with all who ever lived.

987. - Is this taken?

988. - It's reserved.

989. - Okay, great.

990. Death is better than a life of pain...

991. - Hello, Mrs. Templeton.

992. - And eternal rest...

993. Larry, do not address Mrs. Templeton.

994. I hope you're enjoying truffle season.

995. - Larry, find a seat.

996. - Okay.

997. - ... as a grain of sand...

998. - Sorry.

999. - ... the good things in life...

1000. - Who's she?

1001. - I'm Kenny's cousin.

1002. - It's none of your business, anyway.

1003. - Go find a seat.

1004. - Why didn't you save me a seat?

1005. You didn't ask me to save you a seat.

1006. Hey.

1007. - Sorry, sorry, sorry.

1008. I'd like to bring forward

1009. Kenny's uncle, Martin Funkhouser,

1010. who would like to say a few words.

1011. - Great.

1012. - Martin, please?

1013. - Thank you, Rabbi Dorfman.

1014. - Sorry.

1015. I would like to take a moment

1016. to acknowledge

1017. my former beautiful daughter, Jodie,

1018. who's now my handsome son, Joey.

1019. - I love you, Joey.

1020. - Thank you. I love you.

1021. - Keep up the good work.

1022. - Thank you.

1023. Kenny Funkhouser was my nephew.

1024. He was a golden child.

1025. - He was a straight-A student.

1026. A great athlete

1027. who was going to Stanford.

1028. All-American baseball player.

1029. Hey. Come on.

1030. - That's way too loud.

1031. - Okay, okay.

1032. Just whimper. Can you whimper?

1033. This is a day

1034. of celebrating Kenny's life.

1035. What are you doing?

1036. Go cry outside, for God's sake.

1037. - He's so young.

1038. - Come on, it's enough already.

1039. I can't hear a thing.

1040. - Shut up.

1041. - Okay.

1042. Let me say some things

1043. about Kenny Funkhouser.

1044. Kenny is with us.

1045. He will always be with us.

1046. And someday we'll see him again.

1047. Maybe play catch with him, even.

1048. When we leave this service today,

1049. let's not feel sad.

1050. Let's be upbeat because that's what

1051. Kenny would've wanted.

1052. He was a very happy young man.

1053. Fatwa! He's got a gun!

1054. Oh, my God!

1055. Go, sweetie, this way.

1056. Go out this way.

1057. - No! Jesus!

1058. - Wait, Ted!

1059. Go! Fatwa!

1060. - Come on.

1061. - Hurry up!

1062. That's... Hey!

1063. That's my friend, you idiot!

1064. Oh.

1065. Sorry.

1066. Sorry.

1067. So, as you can see, great flow.

1068. We're just gonna move through here.

1069. Let me show you why

1070. this is your house.

1071. Chef's kitchen,

1072. you got silent dishwashers.

1073. It's an entertainer's dream, really.

1074. You could entertain

1075. for a hundred people here

1076. or you could entertain for two.

1077. - Wow.

1078. - Floor-to-ceiling windows.

1079. - Pizza oven.

1080. - And where's the master bedroom?

1081. - The master bedroom is upstairs.

1082. - Okay.

1083. And we could take the grand staircase,

1084. or we could take the elevator.

1085. Elevator.

1086. This is your own little sanctuary.

1087. Beautiful, spacious room.

1088. Lots of morning light.

1089. - Beautiful place to wake up.

1090. - Uh-huh.

1091. - Just a great energy in here overall.

1092. - Mmm-hmm.

1093. Furniture come with the house?

1094. No, the furniture is staged,

1095. but I could talk to the designer

1096. about throwing it in.

1097. You like this bed, Jeff?

1098. - Negotiable on the price or what?

1099. - They're firm with the price.

1100. It's out of our price range. Come on.

1101. We'll take it.

1102. - Huh?

1103. - We'll take it.

1104. Sold. Congratulations.

1105. I gotta tell you something.

1106. I never thought

1107. I was gonna get you down here.

1108. - This is nice.

1109. - Let's see.

1110. Try that. What do you think?

1111. - No, I don't think so. No.

1112. - I don't think so, either.

1113. - Not this one.

1114. - No.

1115. This isn't bad.

1116. It's a bit of a rocker here.

1117. Let's move to another chair.

1118. - All right.

1119. - All right, I gotta say,

1120. this one, to me, is a perfect chair.

1121. I think my clients would like this.

1122. - Great.

1123. - Why not?

1124. Well, let me...

1125. Ooh. It's kind of pricey.

1126. Well, thank you. Thank you very much.

1127. That's very generous of you, Larry.

1128. Are you expecting me

1129. to pay for this chair?

1130. That is all the time we have.

1131. And so I'll see you next week.

1132. Okay? Thank you, Larry.