Curb Your Enthusiasm 9x3

1. Where's our food?

2. The service in this place,

3. it's horrible.

4. - Taking a year.

5. - I know.

6. - What the hell?

7. - I know.

8. I confirmed it, by the way.

9. Cheryl and Ted are a thing.

10. They went to Hawaii together.

11. - Really?

12. - Yeah. Yeah.

13. Geez.

14. So, this is really hard to look at.

15. Yeah, well, how do you think I feel?

16. - You think I enjoy it?

17. - Okay.

18. I never should've done that show.

19. That Kimmel show.

20. God damn it.

21. Hi, I'm the manager.

22. There's been a delay in your meals.

23. I'm very sorry.

24. There's been

25. a disturbance in the kitchen,

26. but we're taking care of it. Thanks.

27. Well, what kind of disturbance?

28. A general disturbance.

29. What's a general disturbance?

30. Well, let's just say

31. it was a minor hiccup.

32. Well, was it a hiccup

33. or a disturbance?

34. It's such a small disturbance,

35. it might be either one.

36. What, was the chef angry

37. or did somebody drop

38. some pots and pans?

39. What happened?

40. Let's just say

41. the disturbance happened.

42. Okay, that's a fact,

43. and we're taking care of it, okay?

44. Are you listening to this?

45. - Wait a second.

46. - I am.

47. How come you won't tell me

48. what the disturbance was?

49. Well, that's a very good question,

50. - and I'm on top of it.

51. - Well, thank you.

52. I'm glad you thought

53. it was a good question

54. because it was

55. a really atrocious answer.

56. - Well, I beg to differ.

57. - Let me ask you this question.

58. How in God's name

59. did you get this job?

60. I am great at dealing

61. with these disturbances.

62. - Yes.

63. - Yes, really?

64. I'm asking that because you come off

65. as quite a goofball.

66. I'm gonna take that as a compliment.

67. It's not.

68. Delicious meal, by the way.

69. Did I mention that?

70. Oh, gosh, I'm jealous.

71. Is there any question

72. that you will answer?

73. Because you haven't

74. answered one question yet.

75. For example, what color is your tie?

76. Let me just say this...

77. - I am wearing a tie.

78. - Yes, you are.

79. - What color is it?

80. - I believe the tie is self-evident.

81. So, the color is there.

82. - Okay.

83. - Okay, great.

84. - All right.

85. - Thank you.

86. What the hell was that?

87. Why wouldn't he tell me what it was?

88. - What's the big secret?

89. - I don't know.

90. - I'm going to the bathroom.

91. - All right.

92. - Excuse me.

93. - I'm sorry, sir.

94. The restroom's down the hallway.

95. - Are you the chef?

96. - Yes. Yes, I am.

97. Oh, okay... Um...

98. I was sitting at my table,

99. the manager came over to us

100. and said the food was gonna be delayed

101. because there was a disturbance

102. in the kitchen.

103. Yes, I'm sorry about that, sir.

104. There was a small disturbance

105. in the kitchen,

106. but if you go have a seat,

107. we'll get your food right out to you.

108. Yeah, I know, thanks.

109. That's okay.

110. I mean, everything's fine.

111. I was just wondering,

112. you know, what the disturbance was.

113. Regular kitchen disturbance.

114. They happen all the time.

115. Nothing to worry about.

116. You mean somebody

117. dropped pots and pans or something?

118. - Is that what happened?

119. - It's not that big of a deal, sir.

120. It was a minor disturbance

121. that we have since taken care of.

122. - Minor?

123. - It was perfectly minor.

124. If it was minor, then my food would

125. not have been delayed by 15 minutes.

126. - A slight delay in your food.

127. - It was more than a slight delay.

128. - Sir. Sir.

129. - Tell the truth about the disturbance.

130. It wasn't minor, it was major.

131. What is this, an investigation?

132. This is a kitchen, sir.

133. I'm just trying to get some food

134. to some hungry people.

135. That's all I wanna do,

136. and then I wanna go home.

137. - Are you a married man?

138. - Yes.

139. - Do you have children?

140. - Yes.

141. All right, so you're having

142. a wonderful afternoon

143. with the wife and kids,

144. you go out to the post office

145. to get the mail.

146. You come back, you hear a big crash,

147. you open the door,

148. and your kids are sprawled out,

149. unconscious on the floor.

150. You say to your wife, "What happened?"

151. And she goes,

152. "There was a disturbance."

153. And you go,

154. "What was the disturbance?"

155. She goes,

156. "No, I don't wanna tell you."

157. How would you feel?

158. I would want to know

159. what the disturbance was.

160. That's exactly right!

161. That's a very specific situation, sir!

162. You'd want to know

163. what the disturbance was,

164. just like me!

165. There's no children here!

166. You're acting like a child.

167. You're the child who's

168. keeping a little secret.

169. - Yes.

170. - You got a little secret.

171. No, no, I'm the parent.

172. I'm the parent who has to worry

173. about all the things.

174. I gotta worry about getting the food,

175. preparing the food,

176. and then giving it to you...

177. No, you're the little baby

178. who won't tell Daddy what happened.

179. - Please leave, sir.

180. - With pleasure.

181. All right, fine.

182. I'm coming! Bye.

183. - We gotta go.

184. - What?

185. Yeah, Susie's little sister

186. didn't come home last night.

187. - Little sister?

188. - You know, she's part of that

189. Big Sister Little Sister

190. mentoring program.

191. The girl's staying with us,

192. and she didn't come home last night.

193. - Can I help you with anything?

194. - No, we're good. We're leaving.

195. That whole disturbance thing

196. threw us for a loop.

197. Well, yeah, I'm taking care of it.

198. We're too disturbed to eat right now.

199. Wow, look at this thing.

200. New Tesla.

201. - Nice.

202. - Yeah.

203. - Whose is it?

204. - Ted.

205. Holy cow.

206. She didn't come home.

207. I don't know where the hell she is.

208. I've called everybody. What can I do?

209. - Finally. Jeff, she's not back!

210. - I know, I'm sorry.

211. Come here, I wanna show you the tapes.

212. Hi, Ted Danson.

213. Yeah, it's me, asshole.

214. Okay? It's my fatwa disguise.

215. - Oh, my God.

216. - He was at the hotel.

217. I'm sorry, were you just at a hotel

218. in the marina, following us?

219. - You were following us, weren't you?

220. - I was not following you.

221. I was in the hotel.

222. That's where I was hiding.

223. Why didn't you say hi?

224. I was going to, but I had to talk

225. to the hotel manager

226. about the pickle jar.

227. - The pickle jar?

228. - The pickle jar.

229. Yeah, everybody wants

230. to open a pickle jar.

231. - Don't you wanna open a pickle jar?

232. - Okay.

233. Could you get me

234. some sparkling water, please?

235. Yes.

236. Oh, and T, can you get

237. a lemon with that, please?

238. T? Oh, T?

239. - What is that? It's unseemly.

240. - It's short for Ted.

241. You never gave me

242. any little nicknames.

243. Could've called me I.

244. You didn't call me I.

245. You didn't call me D.

246. You could've called me Elvid.

247. - I'm sorry, "Elvid"?

248. - Yeah, Elvid.

249. - As a term of endearment?

250. - Yeah.

251. Like, "Let's spoon, Elvid"?

252. - Yeah, Elvid.

253. - Okay.

254. You know what?

255. Enough with this bullshit, all right?

256. Enough with the nicknames.

257. Nobody gives a shit.

258. We're looking for my little sister.

259. We have to find her.

260. She's 15. How do you know she's gone?

261. She's probably

262. at her boyfriend's house.

263. She doesn't have a boyfriend.

264. This kid, Larry, she is so talented.

265. You think Sammi was talented

266. at her age?

267. No, I don't.

268. Stop it! Look at this.

269. Look at this tape.

270. Look at that dancing.

271. Is that amazing... Look at her.

272. Yeah.

273. It's wonderful.

274. Okay, I've seen plenty.

275. Thank you, I got it.

276. I get it. I got it.

277. What do you get? You don't get shit.

278. - I got it.

279. - All right, we gotta find the kid!

280. What, you want me to watch

281. the whole dance recital?

282. Yes, I do, all right?

283. We're gonna form a search party

284. and we're gonna find her.

285. A search party? What are we,

286. in Tulsa, Oklahoma in 1870?

287. Find her! Let's go.

288. - Everybody, split up.

289. - Yes.

290. Let's go. Split up.

291. I thought you were okay with this.

292. - What's going on, man?

293. - Hey, do me a favor.

294. - Yeah.

295. - Can I look for the kid in your Tesla?

296. I'd like to drive it.

297. - All right, okay.

298. - Thanks, T.

299. Come on.

300. What?

301. - What?

302. - I don't appreciate that beep, sir.

303. Well, you know,

304. the light had turned green

305. and I gave you time.

306. You must've drifted off or something.

307. - No, I didn't drift.

308. - Were you daydreaming?

309. No, I was doing

310. important police business.

311. Well, with all due respect,

312. a green light is not the time

313. to be doing police business.

314. Sir, I don't appreciate

315. the aggressiveness of the beep.

316. Yeah, well, you know what?

317. This is my friend's car

318. and I'm not really attuned

319. to the subtleties of the horn yet.

320. It was merely just a reminder beep,

321. a subtle way of telling you,

322. "Time to go.

323. "Let's get moving. Move it on."

324. License and registration, please.

325. - I'm gonna write you a ticket.

326. - A ticket?

327. It was a bad decision on your part

328. to honk at a police officer.

329. What, why, are you above the beep?

330. Absolutely. I'm a police officer.

331. I protect your rights.

332. My rights to beep.

333. - That's one of my rights.

334. - Yeah, but you don't...

335. Beeping, that's a right.

336. That's America. We're allowed to beep.

337. Yeah? Well, I'm allowed

338. to write this ticket.

339. Good. Write it.

340. You getting smart with me, boy?

341. I'm not getting smart.

342. I am smart, by the way.

343. - I'm smart.

344. - Yeah.

345. And of course I'll be

346. protesting this ticket.

347. I hope you enjoy your day in court.

348. Here you go. Have a nice day.

349. - Thank you.

350. You made my day.

351. No one's above the beep.

352. No one!

353. - They're not coming.

354. - No.

355. - They're not coming.

356. - No.

357. Not even a text.

358. You know why? They're afraid

359. to be on the text chain.

360. - Yep.

361. - 'Cause of the fatwa.

362. That's fucked up.

363. They are really showing

364. their true colors.

365. They don't have no colors.

366. They're white.

367. There's no fucking color.

368. I should just have over black friends.

369. If you want, I'll go over there

370. and fuck somebody's ass up.

371. I'll take Swat over there.

372. I seen Swat pick

373. a motherfucker one night

374. and broke his fucking back like this.

375. He turned that motherfucker

376. into a human wallet.

377. What did the guy do?

378. Motherfucker started mumbling.

379. The one thing

380. you don't wanna do around Swat

381. is to speak under your breath.

382. I can't mumble at all?

383. I like to mumble.

384. Don't mumble about him.

385. Hey, let me ask you a question.

386. Have you seen my sunglasses?

387. You know,

388. my Dr. Strangelove sunglasses?

389. I know what you're talking about,

390. but no, I haven't seen them.

391. I've been looking all over for them.

392. I love those glasses.

393. Swat, God damn!

394. What the fuck's

395. going on in there, man?

396. I'm cooking, man.

397. Nothing going on. Just cooking.

398. You're causing a fucking disturbance.

399. Yeah, yeah,

400. you're making a disturbance.

401. This ain't no disturbance.

402. Man, I'm cooking chicken spaghetti.

403. No, it's not up to you to say

404. whether it's a disturbance or not.

405. We're the ones being disturbed.

406. It's our call.

407. Yeah. No, he wasn't making

408. a fucking disturbance, was he?

409. - That's not a disturbance.

410. - What the fuck you say?

411. Oh. No, it's his turn to deal.

412. We're playing War.

413. We're playing cards.

414. I just fucking told you,

415. don't talk under your breath.

416. - You wanna get fucked up?

417. Okay, well, this is the coup de grâce.

418. They canceled golf on Saturday.

419. Oh, man, I can't live

420. like this anymore.

421. I just can't.

422. There's only one man

423. who could help me.

424. Yes?

425. - Yeah, it's Larry David.

426. - Mr. David?

427. - Yes, sir.

428. We've been expecting you.

429. Please come in.

430. Okay.

431. And if you'd follow me.

432. This way.

433. Mr. David is here now, sir.

434. Mr. David, come in.

435. Please have a seat.

436. Thank you.

437. Thank you for seeing me, Mr. Rushdie.

438. - No, call me Salman.

439. - It's not "Salmon"?

440. - "Saul-mahn."

441. - Salman?

442. There's an accent

443. on the second syllable.

444. Exactly. Now, tell me why you're here.

445. Well, I'm sure you've heard about...

446. Yeah, I heard about your problem.

447. And I thought if there's anybody

448. who could understand

449. what I'm going through, it's you.

450. And to tell you the truth,

451. I'm at my wit's end.

452. Let me tell you something.

453. It took me a long time.

454. It took me maybe several years

455. to get to the point that I'm going

456. to talk to you about now.

457. I want to give you a shortcut,

458. which is that, yeah,

459. it is all those things.

460. It can be scary,

461. it can be bewildering, et cetera.

462. But there are things that you gain.

463. There are a lot of women

464. who are attracted to you

465. in this condition.

466. Really? I didn't think

467. there was any condition

468. - that they'd be attracted to me.

469. - You are a dangerous man.

470. There are very beautiful women

471. who like that.

472. - Really?

473. - Yeah.

474. Even with me, they would like it?

475. It's not exactly you.

476. It's the fatwa wrapped around you.

477. - Like kind of sexy pixie dust.

478. - Huh!

479. But you have to stop

480. acting like a wuss.

481. I mean, look at you.

482. You look like a person trying to hide.

483. - That's exactly right.

484. - That is not sexy.

485. Be a man, stop this,

486. and fatwa sex will follow.

487. - Fatwa sex?

488. - The best sex there is.

489. - Wow!

490. - Yes.

491. What about the fatwa itself?

492. I don't...

493. You know, you've survived

494. many, many years now.

495. Well, it's, you know, it's there.

496. - Yeah.

497. - But fuck it.

498. Yeah, the "fuck it" philosophy.

499. It's a tough one.

500. I've tried it with orthotics.

501. It didn't really work very well.

502. No, no, you're being pathetic.

503. - Let me help you.

504. - What?

505. There. Now, look, there you are.

506. You're a man of danger.

507. The fatwa sex is beginning

508. to circle around you,

509. so be a man now.

510. Let's go out, get a bite to eat.

511. Trust me.

512. Let's eat!

513. That's my boy.

514. Hello. Table for two, please.

515. Of course, Mr. Rushdie.

516. Hello, Mr. David.

517. Turn around, turn around.

518. - Look.

519. - It's him.

520. Oh, my God.

521. And your server will be

522. right with you guys.

523. - Thank you.

524. - Sure.

525. Okay, so, you see? It's not so bad.

526. Yeah, I'm in a restaurant

527. having lunch.

528. You're not behind some stupid mask.

529. You can go in a supermarket,

530. go to a ball game.

531. - You'll be a person.

532. - You know what?

533. I'm feeling a lot better about things.

534. Now, tell me something.

535. This musical, it's about me, right?

536. - Yes.

537. - So, I mean, I'm interested.

538. Who have you got playing me?

539. Well, of course, now,

540. because of this whole fatwa thing,

541. it's probably not gonna happen.

542. But the guy I had in mind

543. was actually Jason Alexander.

544. You mean, like,

545. "George" Jason Alexander?

546. No, you know, that was

547. just a character that he played.

548. - You know...

549. - There's no remote resemblance.

550. I mean, he's short.

551. He's a lot shorter than me.

552. He's not... A lot shorter? What?

553. - He's not that much shorter.

554. - Inches.

555. Well, who are you thinking about?

556. I'm thinking about,

557. you know, Hugh Jackman.

558. - That's good.

559. - Hugh Jackman?

560. - Yeah, he's a triple threat.

561. - Are you out of your fucking mind?

562. He can sing, he can dance, he can act.

563. - Yeah.

564. - He could totally play me.

565. I think you're delusional.

566. Anyway, it's all moot.

567. What's the difference, you know?

568. It's not gonna happen.

569. All right, well, that's a relief.

570. It's too bad, too,

571. because what you said about fatwa sex?

572. - Yes.

573. - Oh, my God.

574. I would've put that right in the show.

575. - That is so perfect.

576. - But that is not the only benefit.

577. For example, you don't have

578. to go to anything

579. you don't want to go to.

580. So, like, your cousin is giving

581. a reading of his lousy poetry book,

582. and you say, "Sorry, can't make it.

583. - "Fatwa."

584. - Fatwa.

585. Somebody calls you, says, "Can you

586. come pick me up at the airport?"

587. You say, "Can't make it.

588. Fatwa. Can't make it."

589. This is a fatwa life of Riley.

590. - Yeah, with added death threats.

591. - With the death threats, yeah.

592. You know what, Salman?

593. I'm feeling pretty good.

594. Pretty, pretty good.

595. Compliments of the lady.

596. Oh, my God.

597. - You know who that is?

598. - That's Elizabeth Banks, my friend.

599. She sent you a drink.

600. This is what I'm talking about.

601. Here it is, right here.

602. Salman, this is unbelievable.

603. So don't talk to me.

604. What are you talking to me for?

605. Go talk to her.

606. Do this. Go for it.

607. - Hello.

608. - Hi.

609. Cheers. May I join you?

610. - Yes.

611. - Although I should warn you

612. that it might be a bit dangerous.

613. - Really? Tell us all about that.

614. - Yes.

615. - Is that Salman Rushdie?

616. - Yes, that's Salman.

617. We're the fatwa boys.

618. I just can't believe

619. you're out and about.

620. - In broad daylight.

621. - What am I gonna do, Elizabeth?

622. Look, I'm not gonna walk around

623. with a mustache and a wig.

624. - Right?

625. - Yes, you just face the world.

626. Absolutely!

627. Hello, ladies, I'm the manager.

628. I really apologize

629. about your lunch being late.

630. There was a disturbance

631. in the kitchen.

632. - What kind of disturbance?

633. - He's not gonna tell you.

634. - I am about to tell her.

635. - Yeah, sure, go ahead.

636. Yes, we have a very big kitchen,

637. and we're moving forward now,

638. and we're going to get

639. your meal right away.

640. Can't wait.

641. He hasn't told you one thing

642. about the disturbance, has he?

643. He hasn't... You didn't tell her

644. about the disturbance,

645. - just like last time.

646. - I believe I did.

647. I've ticked all the boxes of...

648. - You didn't tick one box.

649. - ... the disturbance.

650. You didn't tick a box.

651. The boxes are empty.

652. I beg to differ.

653. Let's get on to that delicious lunch.

654. - Thank you.

655. - All right, thank you.

656. - Thank you. Thank you.

657. - It's okay.

658. I wanna know everything there is

659. to know about Larry David.

660. - To the fatwa boys.

661. He completely changed my outlook

662. on this whole thing.

663. At the end of the conversation,

664. he got up, he ripped off my wig,

665. and said, "Come on,

666. we're going out to lunch."

667. - Unbelievable!

668. - Welcome. Welcome back.

669. - Look at you, you're back to normal.

670. - Yeah.

671. - Yes.

672. - I like the other look better.

673. You know what? She's better every day.

674. Pretty good.

675. Anyway, Elizabeth Banks

676. sent a drink to my table.

677. Oh, my God, I love her.

678. - She's fantastic.

679. - I know. I went over to her table.

680. - Oh, bullshit.

681. We had a lovely conversation,

682. and I saw her last night.

683. - She's not interested in you, Larry.

684. - She's swooning.

685. - She's swooning?

686. - She's swooning over me.

687. - All right, you're delusional.

688. - Do you know why?

689. - Because I'm dangerous, Susie.

690. - Yeah.

691. What the hell are you

692. doing here, anyway?

693. I think I might've left

694. my sunglasses here.

695. You know, the Dr. Strangelove glasses?

696. Would you mind looking for them?

697. Yeah, I would mind looking for them.

698. I'm busy looking for a little girl.

699. All right, well, when you're outside,

700. you look for Katie,

701. and when you're inside,

702. you look for the sunglasses.

703. You could do both.

704. It's like Jeff's Cubs hat.

705. Have you found your Cubs hat?

706. No, I have not.

707. I'm sure if you ran across

708. Jeff's Cubs hat,

709. you would call it to his attention.

710. Same thing with the sunglasses.

711. - That's all I'm asking.

712. - Excuse me. I don't give a shit

713. - about Jeff's Cubs hat...

714. - That's all.

715. about your Dr. Strangelove glasses.

716. I care about this kid,

717. my little sister.

718. Just keep it in the back of your mind.

719. Look, I've got Katie

720. in the back of my mind.

721. I've got the sunglasses up front,

722. Katie's in the back.

723. - That's so wrong, Larry.

724. - But it's always in the back.

725. Katie should be in the front

726. for both of you.

727. She's not an inanimate object.

728. Okay, I'll tell you

729. what I'm gonna do for you.

730. I'm gonna move Katie

731. all the way up to the front.

732. I'm gonna give her

733. equal footing with the sunglasses,

734. both in the front of my mind.

735. Where's my Cubs hat in this scenario?

736. I can't handle three in the front.

737. It's too much. It's overload.

738. I'll move Katie back two paces.

739. I'm gonna move

740. your Cubs hat to the front.

741. That works perfect.

742. You two have no compassion,

743. have no caring

744. about another human being.

745. There's some partial truth to that.

746. - Yeah.

747. - It's an illness, for sure.

748. I don't know why I have it,

749. but I definitely do.

750. - Maybe that's her.

751. - This is fucking nuts.

752. - Ted!

753. - She's still gone.

754. - And you're dating Elizabeth Banks.

755. - No, she's still gone.

756. - You're living the life now.

757. - Oh, my God, I love her.

758. - Bless your heart.

759. - You poor thing.

760. - By the way,

761. - that car of yours got me a ticket.

762. - How?

763. I was at a stoplight

764. and I beeped a cop.

765. What's that have to do with my car?

766. Because your horn cannot hit

767. the subtle notes required

768. in the art of beeping.

769. - A beep's a beep.

770. - A beep is not a beep.

771. I'm telling you, that horn's

772. gonna get you in a lot of trouble.

773. Mark my words.

774. - So, how much is a beep ticket?

775. - 275.

776. - Are you gonna pay it?

777. - No, I'm fighting it.

778. I mean, Your Honor,

779. I don't even know why I'm here.

780. There should be no such thing

781. as a ticket for this.

782. It's our inalienable right to beep.

783. Without the freedom to beep,

784. we are no better

785. than the beasts in the field.

786. And I'm not talking

787. about the common chicken.

788. I'm talking about the mighty oxen

789. and the donkey...

790. - Donkey.

791. - ... with his floppy ears,

792. his pea-brain and his stolid,

793. slack-jawed gaze.

794. A revolting creature,

795. if there ever was one

796. who walked the earth!

797. Okay, all right.

798. That's enough of that talk

799. about donkeys and field chickens.

800. - I've got more about the donkeys...

801. - That's enough.

802. All right, so, Officer Jenkins,

803. you have been

804. in this courtroom many times.

805. How many of those cases

806. has been because

807. someone has beeped you?

808. Never, Your Honor.

809. - Not once.

810. - A feather in my cap.

811. I'm a first to beep a cop.

812. I'm a pioneer, Your Honor.

813. In the mold of a Rosa Parks.

814. - Wow.

815. - In the mold of a Jackie Robinson.

816. Mmm-hmm.

817. Anyone else you're in the mold of?

818. Maybe a Martin Luther King

819. or a Malcolm X?

820. - Harriet Tubman?

821. - Yes, Harriet Tubman.

822. Although I'm not quite sure

823. what she did,

824. I have a feeling she was

825. in the pioneer family.

826. All right, so do you think that...

827. I'm sorry, could you

828. just take a step back?

829. - You're in the well right now.

830. - Oh, am I in the well?

831. - Yeah, that would be called a well.

832. - Oh, sorry.

833. Somebody could've told me

834. about the well, frankly.

835. I was talking to you outside.

836. You never mentioned anything about

837. a well. Wouldn't have killed you.

838. I think we need to get back to you

839. beeping right now.

840. Your Honor,

841. may I offer you a cough drop?

842. You know, you're a judge,

843. you're talking a lot,

844. there are people here all the time.

845. You get a sore throat. Take it.

846. - Take the cough drop.

847. - I don't need any.

848. - Take it for later.

849. - Yeah, all right.

850. - Okay? Yeah.

851. - Thank you for your warm pocket candy.

852. You'll thank me.

853. - Yeah.

854. - You'll be sucking on that thing,

855. going, "Boy, that guy in court today,

856. "he really had something

857. with that cough drop."

858. The chances of me putting that

859. in my mouth are very slim.

860. Well, if you're not gonna suck on it,

861. you might as well return it.

862. I mean, what's the point

863. of taking a cough drop from somebody

864. if you're not gonna suck on it?

865. 'Cause I'll use it.

866. Yeah, that may be the first thing

867. that we've agreed on today.

868. Now take your unsucked candy

869. and get back to your desk.

870. Okay, let the record show

871. I had a good time in the well.

872. That's all I'm gonna say about it.

873. Love the well.

874. - I'm so glad I came.

875. - Yeah, yeah, me, too.

876. Yeah, I'm really glad, too.

877. This is not going

878. the way you wanted it.

879. Your Honor, are you listening to

880. what this man is saying over here?

881. Huh? Did you listen to one word...

882. Yoo-hoo!

883. Mr. David, did you just...

884. Did you just yoo-hoo me?

885. I did. I yoo-hooed you.

886. You weren't paying attention,

887. so I yoo-hooed.

888. Right, so you decided

889. it was okay to yoo-hoo.

890. You can't yoo-hoo a judge?

891. You most certainly cannot

892. yoo-hoo a judge.

893. I'm affirming the citation.

894. Very well. I will pay your citation.

895. But I cannot leave this courtroom

896. without telling you that

897. a grave injustice has been done here,

898. for I'm not doing this for me,

899. I did it for you and you and you.

900. Bailiff.

901. - And all of you.

902. For we are not donkeys.

903. Or in Brooklyn, we would say...

904. We would say "dunkeys"

905. for some reason. "Dunkeys."

906. Hey, come on, buddy.

907. Oh, jeez, that is loud.

908. Oh, no. No, no, come on.

909. No, no, I'm sorry.

910. - Sorry.

911. - Roll down the window.

912. That was just a reminder beep.

913. That was just a reminder beep.

914. I'm sorry.

915. Reminder beep? Reminder for what?

916. Well, but the light had changed and...

917. No, no, that was

918. an aggressive fucking beep.

919. It's a new car and I'm not used

920. to the subtleties of the beeps.

921. I don't give a shit.

922. Come here. Get out.

923. Wait, wait, wait! It's me, Ted Danson.

924. Becker, Cheers, anything? Jesus.

925. - Hi, Lar.

926. - Hello.

927. - Oh.

928. - This is my friend, Elizabeth.

929. - Hi!

930. - Hello, Elizabeth.

931. - Elizabeth Banks.

932. - Yes!

933. - Hi.

934. - This is Susie Greene.

935. Hi. What a beautiful house this is.

936. Hi, Jeff. This is Elizabeth Banks.

937. - So nice to meet you.

938. - Hi.

939. - Nice to meet you.

940. - The man behind the man.

941. - I get it.

942. - Why don't you come inside, all right?

943. - Okay, okay. We'll go inside.

944. - Thank you, Elizabeth.

945. You know, we were just in the

946. neighborhood having a little drive.

947. I heard about your little sister.

948. - Yeah. You did? Yeah.

949. - It's terrible.

950. I lost a cat once,

951. so I know how you're feeling.

952. With all due respect, losing a cat

953. is nothing like losing a child.

954. Well, with all due respect,

955. I mean, that cat was my child.

956. And this girl, I mean, it sounds like

957. you kind of barely know her.

958. I would say I know her quite well.

959. She's an underprivileged child

960. we took into our home,

961. and she feels like

962. our own little girl.

963. Well, Mr. Noodle was a stray as well,

964. who I brought in off the street,

965. and literally slept on my bosom

966. for 17 years.

967. Mr. Noodle slept on your bosom?

968. - Yeah, he did.

969. - Yeah.

970. - He was a stray?

971. - I know how much you miss this girl.

972. It's a loss, for sure.

973. It's a huge loss,

974. - and she's a human being.

975. - Yeah.

976. - Flesh and blood.

977. - Not your flesh and blood.

978. Not my flesh and blood,

979. - but I don't discriminate.

980. - No. Someone else's.

981. I'm happy to tweet

982. a recent photo of her.

983. I do have a lot of followers.

984. I have a video of her dancing.

985. She's a very talented dancer.

986. We should put that

987. on my social channels or something.

988. I saw her dance.

989. She's not much of a dancer.

990. What the fuck do you know, Larry?

991. - I saw the tape.

992. - You know talent? You know dancing?

993. I saw the tape of the dancing.

994. I don't wanna get into it.

995. What was the last

996. dance program you ever saw?

997. Did you go to Martha Graham? No.

998. Yeah, because I don't like

999. to go out of my way to be bored.

1000. I could show Elizabeth right now

1001. a video of her dancing,

1002. which is magnificent.

1003. I'll watch that video

1004. and you can watch

1005. a video of Mr. Noodle

1006. chasing a string.

1007. - All right, enough!

1008. - It is the cutest thing you ever saw.

1009. This is a underprivileged child

1010. who came into our world.

1011. Look, I just wanna be helpful,

1012. you know?

1013. Elvid told me about the situation...

1014. Who?

1015. - She calls me Elvid.

1016. - It's my little...

1017. Why the fuck do you call him Elvid?

1018. - It's my little nickname.

1019. - Nickname.

1020. You know? I like to have...

1021. He calls me Lizzie, I call him Elvid.

1022. Oh, Jesus.

1023. Wait a minute.

1024. A cop car just pulled up, Jeff.

1025. What is that?

1026. Oh, my God, Jeff!

1027. - My little sister!

1028. - I'm really sorry.

1029. - Oh, my God!

1030. - My glasses!

1031. My glasses!

1032. I'm so happy to have you back.

1033. Where'd you find her, Officer?

1034. - She was at her boyfriend's.

1035. - No, she wasn't.

1036. She doesn't have a boyfriend.

1037. - Come on. Come in. We'll discuss it.

1038. - All right.

1039. - Bite to eat?

1040. - Love it. Starving.

1041. - Let's do it.

1042. - Great.

1043. That's Jeff's Cubs hat.

1044. You gotta call the fire department.

1045. The fire department?

1046. That's very dangerous, Elvid.

1047. I got this, Lizzie.

1048. Wow, Elvid.

1049. Is there nothing you're afraid of?

1050. Yeah, yeah, yes!

1051. - Let's get the fuck out of here.

1052. - Okay.

1053. You have an idea for an app?

1054. It's a fantastic idea.

1055. Say I invite you over

1056. for dinner one night.

1057. Okay, I like where this is going.

1058. - And I'm cooking...

1059. - And then?

1060. I've never done this in my life,

1061. but it's just all hypothetical.

1062. - I like it.

1063. - So, now when dinner's over,

1064. okay, and there's a big pile

1065. of dishes in the kitchen.

1066. - Sure.

1067. - We don't wanna deal with that, right?

1068. Wait till tomorrow.

1069. We've got other things to do.

1070. No, we don't even need

1071. to wait till tomorrow.

1072. - Why?

1073. - I pick up the phone,

1074. I open up the app, five minutes later,

1075. there's people doing the dishes.

1076. Excuse me, I'm looking for a suspect.

1077. He vandalized police property.

1078. Larry David.

1079. Hi, I'm the restaurant manager.

1080. How may I help you?

1081. Yes, I'm looking for Larry David.

1082. - Yes, Larry David.

1083. - Yeah, I'm looking for him.

1084. He's one of our

1085. more engaging customers.

1086. They'll be driving all over

1087. the city just like Uber...

1088. - Okay. Right.

1089. - ... and they'll get their dish call.

1090. I just don't understand how you and I

1091. are getting it on after dinner

1092. if there's a rando stranger

1093. in the house doing the dishes.

1094. Oh, my God.

1095. - It's that cop. Come, come on!

1096. - Oh, my God.

1097. You're not answering

1098. any of my questions.

1099. Well, I just wanna tell you,

1100. I'm here to support

1101. the men in blue 110%.

1102. Okay, we need a plan.

1103. We gotta come up with a plan.

1104. - What's the story? What do we say?

1105. - Okay, here it is.

1106. We went across the street

1107. to buy some lemonade

1108. from these Girl Scouts.

1109. One of the Girl Scouts is Asian.

1110. It's good to be specific when you lie.

1111. It's the cornerstone of a good lie.

1112. - Okay.

1113. - Okay?

1114. And the lemonade was delicious.

1115. - Yes. I can taste it.

1116. - Delicious lemonade.

1117. Yes, and all of a sudden,

1118. a gust of Santa Ana wind comes along

1119. and knocks the rake off the roof

1120. onto the hood of the car.

1121. - Yes. Okay, I can...

1122. - Got it?

1123. I got it. Of course. Are you kidding?

1124. I did Shakespeare. I can handle this.

1125. - Is there a problem?

1126. - Yeah, there's a problem.

1127. You vandalized my car.

1128. - No, no.

1129. - No, no, no.

1130. Officer, we were standing

1131. across the street

1132. from your vehicle,

1133. buying some lemonade from a stand.

1134. It's like a, you know, the wooden...

1135. - With a sign...

1136. - Lemonade stand?

1137. The lemonade stand.

1138. They were the little ones,

1139. the Brownies,

1140. one of whom was Indian.

1141. And we decided that we actually

1142. wanted Arnold Parkers,

1143. - and so...

1144. - Palmers.

1145. - I don't think so.

1146. - Palmer. Arnold Palmer.

1147. Well, let's leave that detail

1148. for another day.

1149. At any rate,

1150. - he went into the house to...

1151. - He?

1152. retrieve the...

1153. Yes, there was a man.

1154. An Irishman who went into the house.

1155. He said, "I'll go get ye the iced tea

1156. for the Arnold Parker."

1157. And so, while we were waiting

1158. for the Arnolds Palm...

1159. Whatever it is.

1160. - Palmer!

1161. - Anyway, a gust of wind came.

1162. It blew a rake off of the...

1163. - The roof!

1164. - Roof!

1165. - The roof of the house onto the car.

1166. - I was handling it.

1167. Anyway, it blew the rake

1168. off of the roof,

1169. and that's how your car was damaged.

1170. All right, you're coming with me.

1171. It landed on your vehicle.

1172. Great! Great performance!

1173. - You're an actress?

1174. - You know what?

1175. That's the worst performance

1176. I've ever seen in my life!

1177. - You!

1178. - It was a bad script, Larry.

1179. - You wrote me a bad script!

1180. - Oh! Oh, a gust of wind.

1181. I do better with

1182. a little more preparation.

1183. You should arrest her for bad acting.

1184. Look, I need a rehearsal.

1185. I'm not a one-take wonder.

1186. - Give me a break.

1187. - Fuck you, Elvid.

1188. Hello? What the fuck?

1189. Hi. I'm the manager.

1190. Sorry, there's been

1191. a delay in your meal.

1192. What's taking so long?

1193. Well, there's been a disturbance

1194. in the kitchen.