1. Larry, it's Leon!Copy !req
2. The fuck?Copy !req
3. What's going on, man?Copy !req
4. It's fucking crazy
in this fucking room.Copy !req
5. What are these motherfucking
shades, man?Copy !req
6. Oh, my God.Copy !req
7. You need sunlight, man.
You turning white.Copy !req
8. - The fuck is going on?
- What are you doing?Copy !req
9. What? I'm in a hotel.Copy !req
10. You think you're
safe in a hotel?Copy !req
11. I think I'm safer here
than in my house.Copy !req
12. The bottom line is this, Larry...Copy !req
13. you can't fucking hide here.Copy !req
14. These motherfuckers want you,
they're gonna come and get you.Copy !req
15. Cut your fucking hands off,
cut your feet off,Copy !req
16. put your feet in
your back pockets,Copy !req
17. put your hands in
your front pockets,Copy !req
18. and then carry your
ass out of hereCopy !req
19. like a piecem of
fucking luggage.Copy !req
20. How are you helping?Copy !req
21. I'm just letting him
know what happens.Copy !req
22. You don't need this shit.Copy !req
23. You go to your house.
No one's coming.Copy !req
24. I talked to the FBI guy.
He's not gonna lie.Copy !req
25. No one is coming.Copy !req
26. But I can't go
back to the house.Copy !req
27. I gotta move or sell
the house or something.Copy !req
28. No, no, no, no. You can't
fucking sell the house.Copy !req
29. All of my ladies know
I live there already.Copy !req
30. You're gonna set me back
two or three years.Copy !req
31. No, fucking stay there.
You fucking stay.Copy !req
32. Get back to your life.
Get back on the horse now!Copy !req
33. - Okay, give me two minutes.
- Yeah.Copy !req
34. - Proud of ya.
- My man.Copy !req
35. Ah.Copy !req
36. I was there first.
I should've got that.Copy !req
37. I was too busy looking in
the mirror 'cause I'm so vain.Copy !req
38. It's no big deal. I got it.Copy !req
39. Thank you, thank you.Copy !req
40. Well, look at you.Copy !req
41. Look at me.Copy !req
42. May I ask you a question?Copy !req
43. - Sure.
- Why this outfit?Copy !req
44. It seems that women
in your profession,Copy !req
45. they... they dress like this
for some reason.Copy !req
46. Why not look wholesome?
Why double down on the seediness?Copy !req
47. I think I look really good.Copy !req
48. - Mm. Mm.
- No?Copy !req
49. Mm, I mean, look at dentists.Copy !req
50. They don't walk around
with their smocks onCopy !req
51. when they're not in...
when they're not in their office.Copy !req
52. This is a hooker smock
is what you got on.Copy !req
53. I'm a hooker.Copy !req
54. I know, but you don't
have to show everybody.Copy !req
55. - I don't?
- No! People like a mystery.Copy !req
56. Imagine putting on a beautiful dress
from Saks Fifth Avenue, you know?Copy !req
57. All right, well, first of all,
I'm... I'm not able to affordCopy !req
58. a dress from Saks Fifth Avenue,
so that's not gonna happen.Copy !req
59. You're not able
to afford it now,Copy !req
60. but get one dress and I
guarantee you in six months,Copy !req
61. your closet will be packed
with dresses like that.Copy !req
62. Really?Copy !req
63. Absolutely.Copy !req
64. Okay, so I'm gonna
put the tits away.Copy !req
65. Yeah, put...
put the tits away.Copy !req
66. - Animal prints gone.
- Yeah.Copy !req
67. - No more hooker boots.
- None. Zero.Copy !req
68. - Fishnets, out of here.
- Out.Copy !req
69. - I think I could do this.
- I think business is gonna boom.Copy !req
70. - I really do.
- Thank you so much.Copy !req
71. - Oh, well...
- Oh.Copy !req
72. I... I'm so thrilled about
this whole thing. Good luck!Copy !req
73. Good luck!
You can do it!Copy !req
74. - Hi.
- Hi.Copy !req
75. I'm checking out a lot earlier
than I had anticipated.Copy !req
76. - Oh, we hate to see you go.
- Okay, 1003.Copy !req
77. 1003. And what is
the name on 1003?Copy !req
78. Buck Dancer.Copy !req
79. Uh, okay, Mr. Dancer,
let me just bring that up.Copy !req
80. I hope you enjoyed your stay.Copy !req
81. Mm, yeah, yeah, it was fine.
It was fine.Copy !req
82. Okay, well, be sure
to visit our website.Copy !req
83. You can always give us some
feedback. We love notes.Copy !req
84. - Don't tuck in.
- The sheets?Copy !req
85. - Don't tuck in?
- Yeah, don't... don't tuck in.Copy !req
86. - Too tight for you?
- Who sleeps like that?Copy !req
87. It's suffocating.Copy !req
88. - You're right.
- It's absolutely suffocating.Copy !req
89. Don't tuck. I will take that
note on advisement.Copy !req
90. Those cookies,
those are for guests?Copy !req
91. Oh, absolutely, yes.
We have a wonderful pastry chef.Copy !req
92. - Let me know if you need a box.
- Thank you.Copy !req
93. Ah, I see you went for the
big ones, Mr. Dancer, right?Copy !req
94. Yes, yes, I got the first.Copy !req
95. Oh, good, good for you.
They're delicious.Copy !req
96. Uh, just, if I may,Copy !req
97. we ask that people use the tongs
when selecting their cookies.Copy !req
98. Tongs? Yes, yes,
I saw the tongs there.Copy !req
99. I eschewed the tongs
deliberatelyCopy !req
100. because the tongs are not
made for picking up cookies.Copy !req
101. They... they crumble
the cookie.Copy !req
102. It's not a good system,
the tong.Copy !req
103. Uh, we just ask, you know,
that you use the tongs,Copy !req
104. which we sort of
provide there on the plate,Copy !req
105. you know, just for
sanitary reasons.Copy !req
106. Here, look,
I'll tell you what I'll do.Copy !req
107. I'll take my second cookie
with the tongs...Copy !req
108. - Thank you.
- ... all right?Copy !req
109. Perfect. Great.Copy !req
110. Seem to be making
a moment of it,Copy !req
111. - but I'll let you have it.
- I wasn't making a moment.Copy !req
112. It's just it's hard to hold it.Copy !req
113. Let me ask you this question...Copy !req
114. who put you in charge
of the cookies?Copy !req
115. Do you oversee the cookies?Copy !req
116. I was given explicit
instructionsCopy !req
117. to look over the lobby,
which is my jurisdiction.Copy !req
118. So, yes, I oversee the cookies.Copy !req
119. Okay, I... I don't think this
is within your jurisdiction.Copy !req
120. Well, uh, Mr. Dancer,Copy !req
121. I have enjoyed spending
so much time with you,Copy !req
122. and thank you for
all your wonderful notes,Copy !req
123. and, uh, we hope
to see you again.Copy !req
124. You say the pastry chef
made these?Copy !req
125. Oh, yes. They're wonderful.Copy !req
126. I got news for you, pal.Copy !req
127. This is a Pepperidge
Farm cookie.Copy !req
128. - Okay?
- I...Copy !req
129. This is a Pepperidge Farm
cookie, that's it.Copy !req
130. Well, I will go to
that pastry chefCopy !req
131. and I will confront
him about it.Copy !req
132. Don't tell people these areCopy !req
133. home-made cookies
by a pastry chef.Copy !req
134. - Okay, no, I...
- Okay.Copy !req
135. - I wouldn't and I didn't.
- This is a Pepperidge Farm cookie.Copy !req
136. I don't believe those are
Pepperidge Farm cookies.Copy !req
137. This is a Pepperidge
Farm cookie.Copy !req
138. All right,
Mr. Dancer, well,Copy !req
139. I will take that into account...Copy !req
140. I'm a little disappointed.
I could buy this in the grocery storeCopy !req
141. on my way home, so.Copy !req
142. Okay.Copy !req
143. But anyway, you're putting
out Pepperidge Farm.Copy !req
144. - Fine, great, okay.
- Okay, great. Thank you so much.Copy !req
145. Linda, can we get these cookies
out of the way that he touched?Copy !req
146. I don't want you to use these
doors anymore. You got that?Copy !req
147. - They call this shit "overreacting."
- Is the alarm working?Copy !req
148. You should worry about
that goddamn fireplace.Copy !req
149. You're gonna fuck
around and forget,Copy !req
150. and Fatwa Claus gonna come down that
fucking chimney and kill your ass.Copy !req
151. What is this shit?
What are you eating?Copy !req
152. - Beef sticks.
- Beef stick?Copy !req
153. You know how bad
that is for you?Copy !req
154. Have you ever read
the ingredients?Copy !req
155. Have you ever tried
one of these motherfuckers?Copy !req
156. - They're fucking delicious.
- They're disgusting.Copy !req
157. Look, beef, of course,Copy !req
158. molasses, wheat, brown sugar.Copy !req
159. Brown fucking sugar.
I love fucking brown sugar.Copy !req
160. You think black people prefer
brown sugar over white sugar?Copy !req
161. Absolutely. Anything brown
over fucking white.Copy !req
162. - Pants?
- Of fucking course.Copy !req
163. Fuck. Okay, get the door.Copy !req
164. - Give me this thing.
- Don't you... don't you bitch up.Copy !req
165. Ask who it is. Don't forget.Copy !req
166. I'll answer the door.Copy !req
167. - Funkhouser.
- Oh.Copy !req
168. - Hi. Kenny.
- What's up, Kenny?Copy !req
169. - Hi, Leon. How you doing?
- Hey, man.Copy !req
170. Hey, Funk-man.Copy !req
171. LD, come down here.Copy !req
172. - To what do I owe the honor?
- My nephew, Kenny.Copy !req
173. - Kenny, hi. Larry. Hi.
- Pleasure to meet you.Copy !req
174. The jewel of the Funkhouser
family tree.Copy !req
175. Is that so?Copy !req
176. - That is so.
- Huh, how about that.Copy !req
177. - Straight-A student, okay?
- Mm.Copy !req
178. Member of six clubs
in high school...Copy !req
179. runs them all.Copy !req
180. He was just voted high school
All-American pitcher.Copy !req
181. - All right.
- One-of-a-kind.Copy !req
182. - Okay. Yeah.
- Now, wait a minute!Copy !req
183. If he nails his SATs,
which he will...Copy !req
184. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
185. he's going to Stanford
on a full scholarship.Copy !req
186. I don't wanna be a hater, but can't
nobody do all that shit in one day.Copy !req
187. Well, I mean,
I just work hard and...Copy !req
188. I'm saying you're making it feel like this
motherfucker's Forrest Gump or something.Copy !req
189. - You ever see that movie?
- Yeah, I've seen "Forrest Gump."Copy !req
190. That motherfucker lived a life.Copy !req
191. I mean, I'm not... I'm not
running across the country.Copy !req
192. - You ever see a titty?
- What's the matter with you?Copy !req
193. What kind of a question is that?Copy !req
194. Anyway, so, uh,
thanks for stopping by.Copy !req
195. - Nice to meet you.
- Thank you.Copy !req
196. We... we were just about to eat,
so I'll see you, uh...Copy !req
197. - I'd love a sandwich.
- Me, too.Copy !req
198. - I'm starved.
- I don't wanna impose, though.Copy !req
199. We got a lot of meats, man.
All kind of shits in that fridge.Copy !req
200. - Let's do it.
- Yeah!Copy !req
201. - Come on.
- Oh, thank you.Copy !req
202. You like bologna and shit?Copy !req
203. - Are you fucking kidding me?
- You couldn't...Copy !req
204. - let me tell you something.
- This kid's a pitcher?Copy !req
205. Let's get off that.Copy !req
206. Looks like he can't
lift a chess piece.Copy !req
207. Yeah, you'd have
a good time hitting him.Copy !req
208. Here, try that mustard.
It's dope.Copy !req
209. Larry has all kind
of goodies in here.Copy !req
210. All kind of cheeses and meats.Copy !req
211. - What are you making?
- Sandwiches, baby.Copy !req
212. - Who wants a pickle?
- Pickles! I want pickles.Copy !req
213. You can't have a sandwich
without pickles, right?Copy !req
214. No!Copy !req
215. - Tap it, tap it.
- Yeah.Copy !req
216. Do you need any help?
I got it, I got it.Copy !req
217. Everybody's gotta be
the hero with a pickle jar.Copy !req
218. Everybody
wants to open it.Copy !req
219. You just gotta
hit it up.Copy !req
220. - Here, give it to the big Funk.
- No, little Funk's got it, okay?Copy !req
221. - Come on, let me take a shot at it.
- No.Copy !req
222. - What are you doing, Kenny?
- No, I got it!Copy !req
223. - Kenny, give me the jar!
- I got it. Ooh! Oh!Copy !req
224. - Shit.
- What happened?Copy !req
225. - I think I heard it crack.
- Your pitching arm?Copy !req
226. - Yeah, that's my pitching arm.
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
227. We gotta go to the hospital.Copy !req
228. - Oh, my God, I'm so sorry!
- Oh, shut up.Copy !req
229. It was an accident!Copy !req
230. I never should've brought
him over here!Copy !req
231. He tried to open the pickles,
so he took the jar from him,Copy !req
232. - and you tried to get it from him, too!
- You're trying to do too much.Copy !req
233. Valedictorian, now you
wanna be pickle boy.Copy !req
234. - You're doing too much!
- Sorry!Copy !req
235. You know, I think we have a
half open jar in the fridge.Copy !req
236. What do you know?Copy !req
237. What do you know?Copy !req
238. Oh, darling,
you're cold. Here.Copy !req
239. - Here, put this around you.
- I'm just excited.Copy !req
240. Well, that's what
they want me to do.Copy !req
241. - I've got a ticket here...
- What's up, Larry?Copy !req
242. Yeah.Copy !req
243. I had a horrible
night last night.Copy !req
244. Horrible.Copy !req
245. I couldn't sleep,
was up all night.Copy !req
246. I heard... I heard
someone at the gate.Copy !req
247. I heard voices and somebody
creeping around the house.Copy !req
248. It, like, freaked me out.Copy !req
249. Well, you know what? There was a
lot of shit going on last night.Copy !req
250. I had a little lady
friend come over.Copy !req
251. You know, her girlfriend's
waiting outside in the car,Copy !req
252. the kid's in the back seat,
jumping around and shit.Copy !req
253. You know?Copy !req
254. And then I had the pizza guy
come over. He came over...Copy !req
255. Okay, so... so it was you.
So you kept me up, essentially.Copy !req
256. I didn't keep you up.
Just some normal shit that I do.Copy !req
257. I need some...
I need some security in the house.Copy !req
258. You know, like a... I gotta hire,
like, a Pinkerton guard or something.Copy !req
259. You don't need no
Pinkerton guard.Copy !req
260. You know what?
I'll tell you what.Copy !req
261. - Let me handle this shit.
- You're... you're gonna hire somebody?Copy !req
262. - What are you gonna do?
- What if I get somebody half the priceCopy !req
263. of that Pinkerton motherfucker?Copy !req
264. I'm gonna take care of all this security
shit you're worried about, okay?Copy !req
265. I'm gonna get you...
get you back to being Larry.Copy !req
266. Sitting around here,
looking all frumpy and shit.Copy !req
267. Well, no, the only reason
I'm wearing this bathrobeCopy !req
268. is because I left
my pajama bottoms...Copy !req
269. you know, those
red flannel pajamas?Copy !req
270. - Right.
- I left them at the hotel.Copy !req
271. I can't leave a hotel room
without leaving something behind.Copy !req
272. Never fails.Copy !req
273. - Oh.
- Are you expecting somebody?Copy !req
274. I'm always expecting somebody.Copy !req
275. If they show the fuck up,
they show the fuck up.Copy !req
276. Goodbye, darling.Copy !req
277. - Excuse me a minute.
- He's all right, you know.Copy !req
278. - He's gonna be all right.
- Hey!Copy !req
279. - He's alive!
- Oh!Copy !req
280. - Hey, buddy.
- How you doing?Copy !req
281. I'm all right.
How are you doing?Copy !req
282. Oh, God, I'm a mess.Copy !req
283. - Yeah, so bad.
- I'd be terrified.Copy !req
284. Yeah, and the worst part
is the musical's off.Copy !req
285. - Oh, you're kidding me.
- No.Copy !req
286. It was such a funny idea.Copy !req
287. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.Copy !req
288. - Um...
- Nice of you to come over, though,Copy !req
289. and, uh, say hi.Copy !req
290. - That's really sweet of you.
- No.Copy !req
291. I really appreciate it.
Thank you.Copy !req
292. Yeah, you're welcome.Copy !req
293. Um, actually, you know what?Copy !req
294. All right, I'm full of shit.Copy !req
295. The truth is I'm here to ask...Copy !req
296. I'm here to ask your permission
if I can date Cheryl.Copy !req
297. Boom.Copy !req
298. - Wow.
- Wow?Copy !req
299. Yeah, you come over here
under these false pretensesCopy !req
300. to, oh... to see how I'm doing,Copy !req
301. and... and you
wanna date... no!Copy !req
302. No, I... no, no, I...Copy !req
303. if you're asking me can you
date Cheryl, I'd say no.Copy !req
304. Let... let's just
step back just a second.Copy !req
305. This is a surprise to me, too.Copy !req
306. We're friends. I didn't wanna
sneak around behind your back.Copy !req
307. I need to, like...
to go with my impulses,Copy !req
308. and my impulse is I wanna...
I wanna go out with your ex-wife.Copy !req
309. How would you like it
if I went out with Mary, huh?Copy !req
310. - Would you like that?
- Don't be stupid.Copy !req
311. What does that mean?Copy !req
312. It means you're...Copy !req
313. you wanna call my ex-wife,
Mary Steenburgen...Copy !req
314. Larry David wants to ask
Mary Steenburgen out?Copy !req
315. Oh.Copy !req
316. Oh, Larry David is not cool
enough for Mary Steenburgen?Copy !req
317. - I... I just...
- Huh? But Ted Danson is? Is that it?Copy !req
318. I didn't say that,
but there's something in there.Copy !req
319. Oh, okay, all right.Copy !req
320. You know what? I'll call
her right now. How's that?Copy !req
321. How's that? I'll call Mary.Copy !req
322. - Fine.
- Okay? Okay?Copy !req
323. You want me to?Copy !req
324. - Do it.
- Okay.Copy !req
325. But then can we get back
to this real subject?Copy !req
326. Mary!Copy !req
327. - I can't believe it.
- Hey, it's Larry David.Copy !req
328. - Hi, Larry!
- Hey!Copy !req
329. - How you doing?
- Good, good.Copy !req
330. Hey, Mar, um, let...
let me ask you something.Copy !req
331. You know what's going on
with Ted and Cheryl?Copy !req
332. Ted told me he was
interested in seeing herCopy !req
333. and I told him to go for it.Copy !req
334. Well, um...Copy !req
335. I was kind of
wondering...Copy !req
336. you know, if he's gonna
go out with her,Copy !req
337. why, uh... why don't
you go out with me?Copy !req
338. Wow, Lar.Copy !req
339. Oh, my gosh.Copy !req
340. Um, I just...Copy !req
341. God, I love you so much.Copy !req
342. I don't know if we have anything
in common that way, you know?Copy !req
343. - Do you think?
- Well, we're both people.Copy !req
344. We're Earthlings,
we breathe, we eat,Copy !req
345. so we have...
we have that in common.Copy !req
346. Yeah, we have that in common
with pretty much everybody,Copy !req
347. but I was... I was just
meaning, like, you know,Copy !req
348. maybe you're just not
my physical type.Copy !req
349. Sure. Sure, I understand.Copy !req
350. Hope we can have lunch
or go shoppingCopy !req
351. or do something
together soon.Copy !req
352. - Okay, okay. Okay, bye.
- Bye, Lar.Copy !req
353. - What'd she say?
- No.Copy !req
354. - Mm.
- Not really her type.Copy !req
355. - Huh.
- At least, physically.Copy !req
356. - Okay. Well, hey...
- Yeah.Copy !req
357. - So, you gonna go ahead with this?
- Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
358. Okay.Copy !req
359. You should know that she
doesn't give blow jobs.Copy !req
360. - Just...
- That's okay.Copy !req
361. Okay? Sex only in the dark.Copy !req
362. She's a little revolted
by the penis.Copy !req
363. - Really?
- She won't look at it.Copy !req
364. - She won't even touch it, okay?
- Well, maybe that's changed.Copy !req
365. - It won't change, okay?
- All right, good luck with the fatwa.Copy !req
366. Yeah, thanks. Thanks for
being so concerned about it.Copy !req
367. - You're in trouble, Larry.
- Yeah. Yeah!Copy !req
368. I know. Tell me about it.Copy !req
369. - I like that.
- Oh, yeah?Copy !req
370. Yeah, hides the Jew.Copy !req
371. Ah, thank you.Copy !req
372. Thank you. That's lovely.Copy !req
373. Lovely compliment.
Thank you very much.Copy !req
374. - Very sweet.
- What are you doing here, Larry?Copy !req
375. - Huh?
- Well, you know...Copy !req
376. What?Copy !req
377. this has been very,
very difficult for me.Copy !req
378. And I'm thinking, who can help me?
I don't know any Muslims.Copy !req
379. They're not in show business.
They don't hang out at the deli.Copy !req
380. Am I supposed to go into a mosque
and then start chatting them up?Copy !req
381. Sure, maybe I can make a little
more effort to seek them out,Copy !req
382. but they're not really
coming up to me either!Copy !req
383. Do you need my help, Larry?Copy !req
384. Yes.Copy !req
385. Yes.Copy !req
386. - I know people.
- You do?Copy !req
387. - Mm, I know people.
- Imams, mufti?Copy !req
388. - "Moofti."
- "Moofti"?Copy !req
389. - "Moofti."
- It's "moofti." Huh.Copy !req
390. I always thought
it was "muffti."Copy !req
391. Anyway, so do you know a mufti?Copy !req
392. - I know other people.
- Who? Who do you know?Copy !req
393. I know the consul of Iran.Copy !req
394. You know the consul?Copy !req
395. - Is that so?
- Yes.Copy !req
396. Look at you!
You are really something!Copy !req
397. - Eh.
- How do you know the consul?Copy !req
398. I have my connections.Copy !req
399. Are you a...
are you a plotter?Copy !req
400. Are you one of the plotters?Copy !req
401. - Do you plot?
- I've plotted before.Copy !req
402. - You've plotted?
- I've plotted.Copy !req
403. Wow.Copy !req
404. You're on my side, right?Copy !req
405. Fuck me, you godless fuck!Copy !req
406. You infidel fucking Jew!Copy !req
407. Try and keep it kosher,
could you?Copy !req
408. You fatwa fucking bastard!Copy !req
409. - I'm a fatwa fuck.
- Yes! Talk dirty to me, Larry.Copy !req
410. Blaspheme to me like you
blasphemed to the Nation of Islam!Copy !req
411. Donald Trump!Copy !req
412. Steve Bannon!Copy !req
413. Jared Kushner!Copy !req
414. Mike Pence!Copy !req
415. Kellyanne Conway!Copy !req
416. - Mitch McConnell!
- Yeah!Copy !req
417. Rudy Giuliani!Copy !req
418. Yeah, yeah!Copy !req
419. Rougher, Larry! Rougher!Copy !req
420. - Sentence me to an orgasm...
- You're choking me!Copy !req
421. like you've been
sentenced to death!Copy !req
422. Is this a fatwa!Copy !req
423. This is a fatwa!
Fa-fa-fa-fatwa!Copy !req
424. Fatwa! Fatwa!Copy !req
425. Hey! Hey!Copy !req
426. No fatwa up in here! No fatwa!Copy !req
427. - What?
- No fatwa!Copy !req
428. Yeah, Larry, that's Swat,
your knew security.Copy !req
429. You can thank me later
for that shit.Copy !req
430. Yeah, I'm not even
gonna bring upCopy !req
431. the fact you're fucking
in your goddamn glasses.Copy !req
432. Hey, Swat, break
her ass in half!Copy !req
433. Hello, is this...
is this Mr. Khashayar?Copy !req
434. Yes, this is he.Copy !req
435. Yeah, this is, um...
this is Larry David.Copy !req
436. I'm a friend
of Shara Ghorbani.Copy !req
437. She said that perhaps
there might be a way,Copy !req
438. you know, to set up
a, uh... a meeting.Copy !req
439. It's better if you don't come
here under the circumstances...Copy !req
440. Hey, Larry.Copy !req
441. Shut the fuck up!
I'm on the phone.Copy !req
442. Hey, I'm gonna give Swat the
guest room. Where the towels at?Copy !req
443. They're down the hall
in the linen closet.Copy !req
444. Yes, I'm sorry.Copy !req
445. I have two nincompoops
in my house, unfortunately.Copy !req
446. - Anyway, so, um...
- I would suggest a video conference.Copy !req
447. - Oh.
- I can arrange for that if you like.Copy !req
448. Oh, you wanna
set up a video call?Copy !req
449. Yeah, the video call
would work great.Copy !req
450. - Yes, excellent.
- Yeah.Copy !req
451. Good. I will have one of my staff
members contact you to arrange for it.Copy !req
452. - Yeah, I...
- Hey, Larry!Copy !req
453. Wait, I'm sorry.
Hold on one more sec.Copy !req
454. What the fuck is wrong with you?
Shh, I'm on the phone!Copy !req
455. This goddamn towel's
hard as fuck, man.Copy !req
456. Shut the fuck up!
I'm on the phone!Copy !req
457. I'll be there in a second.
Shut up!Copy !req
458. These towels too rough, man.Copy !req
459. - I like a softer towel.
- Hey, Swat? Swat?Copy !req
460. Shut up!Copy !req
461. Yeah, I'm sorry.Copy !req
462. No, it's the nincompoops again.Copy !req
463. - Nincompoops?
- I'll wait to hear from your office.Copy !req
464. - Larry!
- As I said, they will be in contact.Copy !req
465. Yes, all right, thank you.
- Goodbye, Mr. David.Copy !req
466. What's so important about
these fucking towels?Copy !req
467. Look, these towels are
a little too rough, man.Copy !req
468. I like a soft towel, Lar.Copy !req
469. He wants something
more velvety.Copy !req
470. Velvet, it doesn't even
dry you, velvet.Copy !req
471. It doesn't...
it doesn't get the water off.Copy !req
472. A harder, coarser towel works
a lot better for drying.Copy !req
473. If I don't use something velvety,
I'ma get ashy as hell, Lar.Copy !req
474. You want me to go
shopping for towels?Copy !req
475. It'd be nice.Copy !req
476. The man's a guest in your house.
He's your fucking security.Copy !req
477. - He's gonna take care of you.
- By the way,Copy !req
478. you need to familiarize
yourself with that.Copy !req
479. - What? What is this?
- It's a list.Copy !req
480. - Persimmons. You eat persimmons?
- Antioxidants.Copy !req
481. No stone fruit?Copy !req
482. I'm telling you,
they kill me, Larry.Copy !req
483. I'll drop dead right on
this fucking carpet.Copy !req
484. Even the "oals"
will fuck me up.Copy !req
485. - Even the what?
- The "oals" from the fruit will fuck me up.Copy !req
486. If this fucking man even
sees a fucking stone fruit,Copy !req
487. he's gonna eat the shit, so don't bring
no stone fruit in the fucking house.Copy !req
488. So now I can't have stone fruit?Copy !req
489. Yeah.Copy !req
490. Absolutely, we will
send that right up.Copy !req
491. All right,
thank you very much.Copy !req
492. - Hello.
- Ah, Mr. Dancer.Copy !req
493. I'm sorry to report that I
left a pair of pajama bottomsCopy !req
494. in my room, which was 1003.Copy !req
495. - So, just pajama bottoms?
- Fantastic pajamas, by the way.Copy !req
496. - I don't doubt it.
- I mean, the best feature about themCopy !req
497. is that the flannel's thick,
so they obfuscate the penis,Copy !req
498. so you could walk around
with other people in the houseCopy !req
499. and you don't see any flopping,Copy !req
500. as opposed to the pair
that I have now,Copy !req
501. my... my second pair.Copy !req
502. - Okay.
- A little thinner.Copy !req
503. You see the clear outline of
the penis... very unpleasant.Copy !req
504. I will check in the back and
I will be right with you.Copy !req
505. Thank you very much.Copy !req
506. Excuse me.Copy !req
507. Hi.Copy !req
508. Are you in charge
of the... the cookies?Copy !req
509. Um, yeah, I guess so.Copy !req
510. So you oversee the
whole cookie operation?Copy !req
511. Uh, I don't bake them,
but I...Copy !req
512. Well, they're not baked,
they're bought in a store.Copy !req
513. But that's neither
here nor there.Copy !req
514. Let me just ask you
about the display here.Copy !req
515. - Okay.
- Was this whole idea yours...Copy !req
516. the display, the tongs,
the whole thing?Copy !req
517. - Um...
- 'Cause I have to tell you,Copy !req
518. the tong is not a
friend of the cookieCopy !req
519. by any stretch
of the imagination.Copy !req
520. Okay, you must be
Mr. Dancer.Copy !req
521. - Yes! Yes.
- Yes.Copy !req
522. - I am.
- Okay.Copy !req
523. What I believe you
should be thinking aboutCopy !req
524. is separating the cookiesCopy !req
525. so people can use their
fingers and not the tongs.Copy !req
526. No friend of the cookie.Copy !req
527. May I just demonstrate
what I'm talking about?Copy !req
528. - No, sir, please don't.
- Just watch how easy this is.Copy !req
529. - It's hotel policy.
- You see how easy I picked that out?Copy !req
530. - It was so simple.
- Mr. Dancer.Copy !req
531. I successfully was able
to find your pajama bottoms,Copy !req
532. and I see that you are not
using our tongs again.Copy !req
533. No, I was just merely
demonstrating something...Copy !req
534. - I asked him to use the tongs.
- I know you did, Claudia.Copy !req
535. Thank you very much.Copy !req
536. And by the way, you're not even
in charge of the cookies.Copy !req
537. - Claudia is.
- I asked you to please follow our policy,Copy !req
538. and you are no longer a guest here,
actually, so I'm just now asking youCopy !req
539. - to just respect that.
- Ah, what?Copy !req
540. What?Copy !req
541. Oh, my God!Copy !req
542. The tongs dropped on the floor,Copy !req
543. you put them back on the table?Copy !req
544. - I wiped them.
- She wiped them.Copy !req
545. That's like eating
off the floor!Copy !req
546. - It's the same thing!
- It's not at all the same.Copy !req
547. It is the same thing! You might as
well put the floor on the table!Copy !req
548. - Okay, you know what?
- This is a disgrace!Copy !req
549. Okay, you know
what is a disgrace,Copy !req
550. that we're having
this conversation again.Copy !req
551. And here is what I'm gonna
say to you right now...Copy !req
552. don't ever return to this hotel...
I'm serious, or I will call the cops.Copy !req
553. Like I would wanna return to a hotel
that's serving Pepperidge Farm cookiesCopy !req
554. and trying to pass them off
as if you have a pastry chef!Copy !req
555. Fine, and if you do, I will
call the police, Mr. Buck Dancer.Copy !req
556. Kenny was a perfect kid,Copy !req
557. and look what's happened here!Copy !req
558. Look what's happened
to my jewel,Copy !req
559. my nephew, who is
an all-star pitcher.Copy !req
560. He's up there now in a cast!Copy !req
561. Why did you have to
fight him for the pickle?Copy !req
562. Why did I have to fight him?
You fought him for the pickles, too!Copy !req
563. I didn't fight him;
I let it go!Copy !req
564. Oh, you let it go.Copy !req
565. You tried to open
that pickle jarCopy !req
566. just like I did!Copy !req
567. Everybody wants to be
a pickle jar hero.Copy !req
568. You broke his elbow, okay?Copy !req
569. Are you happy?Copy !req
570. He's just a different kid.Copy !req
571. His personality has changed.Copy !req
572. He's filled with angst.Copy !req
573. He's, like, ready to explode.Copy !req
574. And you wanna know why?Copy !req
575. The way he relaxes is
the way all men relax.Copy !req
576. It's called "ejaculation."Copy !req
577. He can't use the
right hand, okay?Copy !req
578. This is his ejaculator, okay?Copy !req
579. It's done, it's in a cast.Copy !req
580. - Yeah.
- Mr. Kenny, some lunch!Copy !req
581. What the hell is
this shit? Fuck!Copy !req
582. You call this lunch? Take your
banana and shove it up your ass!Copy !req
583. - Get out! Get the fuck out!
- Señor, he's crazy!Copy !req
584. Leave me the fuck alone!Copy !req
585. I don't even know him anymore.Copy !req
586. - Wow.
- I'm scared to death of him.Copy !req
587. He can't masturbate.Copy !req
588. He can't make it come out.Copy !req
589. - He can't go left?
- No, he can't go to his left.Copy !req
590. - Can you go to your left?
- Eh, nobody can.Copy !req
591. - No one can.
- Yeah.Copy !req
592. It's funny, though, there's
other things I can do lefty.Copy !req
593. I can eat lefty,
I can brush my teeth lefty.Copy !req
594. There's a big difference.Copy !req
595. You need rotation,
you need tempo,Copy !req
596. you need feel.Copy !req
597. I don't know what's gonna happenCopy !req
598. 'cause he can't
concentrate anymore.Copy !req
599. He told me today he doesn't
give a shit about the SATs.Copy !req
600. He doesn't care about Stanford.Copy !req
601. He doesn't care about anything.Copy !req
602. - Wow.
- He's lost his will.Copy !req
603. Hey!Copy !req
604. I met this woman
in the... in the hotel,Copy !req
605. and I think... I think
she could help him.Copy !req
606. What does she do?Copy !req
607. She's a...
she's a prostitute.Copy !req
608. Okay, here's the deal.Copy !req
609. You're gonna go in there,
you're gonna go to the right,Copy !req
610. - near the front desk.
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
611. You're gonna try and open
this jar of pickles.Copy !req
612. Okay.Copy !req
613. It's gonna create a diversion, everybody's
gonna come over and try and help,Copy !req
614. and then I'm gonna sneak in
so the guy doesn't see meCopy !req
615. - and try and find Paula, okay?
- Right, right, right.Copy !req
616. This is called
the "pickle gambit."Copy !req
617. I like that, man.
Hey, it's cool.Copy !req
618. - What's my name?
- All right, that's irrelevant.Copy !req
619. - Okay?
- What do you mean it's irrelevant?Copy !req
620. - Okay, you want a name?
- I want a fucking name!Copy !req
621. Okay, uh, Chick Gandil,
that's your name.Copy !req
622. He played first base
for the 1919 White Sox,Copy !req
623. the team that threw
the World Series.Copy !req
624. Wait a fucking minute. I'm not
gonna be on no goddamn White Sox.Copy !req
625. Would you prefer somebody
from the Negro leagues?Copy !req
626. Yeah, give me a fucking name.Copy !req
627. - Chappie Johnson.
- That's a black man's name right there.Copy !req
628. That's fucking great.
I love it.Copy !req
629. - All right.
- I can do that shit.Copy !req
630. - Okay, get in there.
- I got you.Copy !req
631. Okay, I'm a...
I'm a diversion.Copy !req
632. I got you. I fucking got you,
Lar, all right?Copy !req
633. My name is Chappie JohnsonCopy !req
634. and I can't open
this damn pickle jar.Copy !req
635. - Let me take a crack at that.
- I can help you with that.Copy !req
636. I'm gonna have to put you
on hold for a second.Copy !req
637. Give it here, Chappie.
Give me a shot at it.Copy !req
638. Guys, I saw from over there.Copy !req
639. Let me just get a run
at it, all right?Copy !req
640. I'm small,
but you'd be surprised.Copy !req
641. Let me see that,
let me see that.Copy !req
642. Just try it again.Copy !req
643. Put force into it.Copy !req
644. - I didn't...
- I got it, I got it.Copy !req
645. I didn't get a good run at it.Copy !req
646. Come on!Copy !req
647. Larry, it's me.Copy !req
648. Oh, my God.Copy !req
649. Oh, my God!Copy !req
650. - Look at you.
- Do you like it?Copy !req
651. I... I'm stunned!Copy !req
652. This is... I...
my mind's exploding!Copy !req
653. - Oh, my gosh.
- This is incredible.Copy !req
654. - Look at you. Look at you!
- Oh, really?Copy !req
655. - Ugh!
- You think so?Copy !req
656. Well, I am so happy,Copy !req
657. and I owe it all to you.Copy !req
658. - It worked.
- It worked.Copy !req
659. It worked.
My life has been changed.Copy !req
660. Business...
never been better.Copy !req
661. The men...
gentle, respectful.Copy !req
662. I did a hooker mitzvah!
It's a hooker mitzvah!Copy !req
663. You are a visionary.Copy !req
664. I don't know what I can do
to properly show my thanks.Copy !req
665. You don't have to do anything.Copy !req
666. The mere fact that
you're happier having sexCopy !req
667. with a multitude of strangers,Copy !req
668. that's all... that's all
the thanks I need.Copy !req
669. Aw, Larry!Copy !req
670. That's awesome. Thank you!Copy !req
671. You know what? This is
unbelievable that I actually ran...Copy !req
672. I came here specifically
looking for you.Copy !req
673. - Oh, you did?
- Yes, I did.Copy !req
674. - Oh, that's amazing!
- Yeah, because I actually doCopy !req
675. - need your services.
- You do?Copy !req
676. - Yes.
- Okay, well, fine.Copy !req
677. It's for... it's for
my friend's nephew.Copy !req
678. - His name is Kenny Funkhouser.
- Of course!Copy !req
679. Tell me when and where.
I'll be there.Copy !req
680. - No problem.
- Fanta...Copy !req
681. - I feel great, I feel great.
- Hey, do you want a drink?Copy !req
682. - Just a quick drink?
- Uh, no, let's get a, uh...Copy !req
683. let's raid the minibar
like normal people.Copy !req
684. - I'll be right back.
- Okay.Copy !req
685. Yes.Copy !req
686. Here, give it to me,
give it to me!Copy !req
687. You can't open it!Copy !req
688. We need to get a butter knife.Copy !req
689. - Come on, let me give it another try.
- No.Copy !req
690. We need a plier,
we need a plier.Copy !req
691. But a hatchet will
shatter the entire jar.Copy !req
692. - Get a plier.
- She can't open it.Copy !req
693. - What, 'cause I'm a woman?
- Yeah, exactly!Copy !req
694. - We need one more shot.
- Give me that!Copy !req
695. Mr. Dancer!Copy !req
696. Whoa!Copy !req
697. - Huh?
- Wow.Copy !req
698. - Yeah!
- Wow, are you serious?Copy !req
699. Are you for...
Claudia, get security.Copy !req
700. I'll keep Mr. Buck Dancer here.Copy !req
701. Okay? No, I gotta get...Copy !req
702. I don't care, I don't care.Copy !req
703. I'm not touching cookies,
I'm not talking tongs!Copy !req
704. I don't care! I warned you if you
came back here, this would happen.Copy !req
705. - Get out of my way, baldy!
- Ah-ah!Copy !req
706. - That is it, sir. You are out of here.
- Unhand me, you brute!Copy !req
707. I have dementia!Copy !req
708. What the...?Copy !req
709. Unbelievable!Copy !req
710. - As often as I can.
- Really?Copy !req
711. - Yes...
- No.Copy !req
712. - So, are you nervous?
- A little.Copy !req
713. Oh, well, don't worry.
I'll take care of everything.Copy !req
714. - You just lay back and relax.
- Okay.Copy !req
715. I like your dress.Copy !req
716. Aw, thanks!
I got it at Saks Fifth Avenue.Copy !req
717. - Oh, that... that's a nice store.
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
718. Take your clothes off, Kenny.Copy !req
719. You know, Mary,
she's with this guy,Copy !req
720. he's bald with glasses...
he looks just like me!Copy !req
721. She said I wasn't her type.Copy !req
722. Unbelievable. And now Ted...Copy !req
723. Ted's going out with Cheryl.Copy !req
724. What about that?Copy !req
725. Well, you haven't been married
to her in a long time.Copy !req
726. There's nothing wrong
with that!Copy !req
727. Would you do
something like that?Copy !req
728. You wanna go out with Cheryl,
you do it behind my back.Copy !req
729. - You'd never know.
- That's the way to do it.Copy !req
730. Yeah. I called Cheryl.Copy !req
731. - I called her twice.
- For what?Copy !req
732. Just to talk to her and
see how she was doing,Copy !req
733. and shopping tips
and stuff like that.Copy !req
734. - We had a cup of coffee.
- You're kidding.Copy !req
735. - Two movies.
- What?Copy !req
736. A walk in the park.Copy !req
737. Yeah, well,
it's not a big deal.Copy !req
738. One dinner.Copy !req
739. I went behind your back!Copy !req
740. It's the only way to go!Copy !req
741. Yeah, that's true.Copy !req
742. Boy, Kenny sounds like
he's having some fun.Copy !req
743. Tough to listen to, though.Copy !req
744. Oh, my God.Copy !req
745. Oh, I got a... I got a Skype thing
with the Iranian consul guy.Copy !req
746. I'll see you later.Copy !req
747. I'm not staying here by myself.Copy !req
748. Mr. David, at last we meet
face to face.Copy !req
749. Heh-hey! Hey, look at this!Copy !req
750. Modern technology, sir.Copy !req
751. What... what exactly does
a consul do? It's a...Copy !req
752. Let's just say if you wanted to
come to Iran one day and visit,Copy !req
753. you would be going
through myself.Copy !req
754. I'm not setting foot in that
place, with all due respect.Copy !req
755. Not gonna set foot there.Copy !req
756. Excuse me.Copy !req
757. - What is that?
- A cookie.Copy !req
758. What are you using, tongs?Copy !req
759. Yes. We use tongs.Copy !req
760. - In fact, we invented the tong.
- Okay.Copy !req
761. All right, Mr. Consul,Copy !req
762. let's, uh... let's not
go crazy here.Copy !req
763. You invented the tong.
I don't think so.Copy !req
764. I don't see Iran
as the tong inventor.Copy !req
765. Mr. David, I have a
very busy agenda today.Copy !req
766. Please let me know
how I can help you.Copy !req
767. Well, um, you're aware
of my situation, of course,Copy !req
768. and I was hoping beyond hopeCopy !req
769. that somehow you could perhapsCopy !req
770. put in a good word for me,Copy !req
771. tell the ayatollah
how profoundly sorry I amCopy !req
772. for what I did and said and...Copy !req
773. Mr. David, you have come
to the right personCopy !req
774. because... I tell you this
in confidence...Copy !req
775. I am a huge fan of your work.Copy !req
776. I have watched every
episode of "Seinfeld."Copy !req
777. This is... this is
really, truly remarkable.Copy !req
778. Is that so?
What's your favorite episode?Copy !req
779. Isn't everybody's favorite
episode the puffy shirt?Copy !req
780. It's unbelievable!Copy !req
781. I also love the one
with the close talker.Copy !req
782. Ugh, oh, my God!Copy !req
783. I must tell you
something, Mr. David.Copy !req
784. The ayatollah himself
is a bit of a close talker.Copy !req
785. - Is that so?
- Yes!Copy !req
786. Oh, I wouldn't wanna get too close
to that guy, to tell you the truth.Copy !req
787. It doesn't look like
he's popping Life SaversCopy !req
788. in his mouth all
day long, you know?Copy !req
789. Ah, yes, well...Copy !req
790. - Okay.
- All right.Copy !req
791. Okay, oh, yeah!Copy !req
792. Come on. Come on, honey!Copy !req
793. You can do it, you can do it!Copy !req
794. Come on, come on!Copy !req
795. I'm coming, Larry!Copy !req
796. Oh, God, you're so good!Copy !req
797. Larry!Copy !req
798. I am very confident that we canCopy !req
799. accomplish something
here together.Copy !req
800. Thank you so much.
I'm so appreciative and...Copy !req
801. Uncle Marty, Uncle Marty!Copy !req
802. What the... oh!Copy !req
803. Oh, my God!Copy !req
804. - Oh, no!
- What is that?Copy !req
805. Oh, oh! No!Copy !req
806. No, no! Swat, Swat!
Not her, not her!Copy !req
807. Just get rid of the Muslims!Copy !req
808. No... it's a game!Copy !req
809. That's a game! Mr. Consul!
Nooooo!Copy !req
810. You have no compassion,Copy !req
811. have no caring about
another human being...Copy !req
812. There's some partial truth
to that.Copy !req
813. Yeah.Copy !req
814. T, can you get a lemon
with that, please?Copy !req
815. T?Copy !req
816. It's short for Ted.Copy !req
817. Never gave me any
little nicknames.Copy !req
818. You could've called me L-vid.Copy !req
819. - As a term of endearment?
- Yeah.Copy !req
820. Like, "Let's spoon, L-vid"?Copy !req
821. Bad decision to honk
at a police officer.Copy !req
822. Oh, what... Why?
Are you above the beep?Copy !req
823. Absolutely.Copy !req
824. I'm a police officer,
I protect your rights.Copy !req
825. - My rights to beep!
- You gettin' smart with me, boy?Copy !req
826. I'm not getting smart.
I am smart.Copy !req