Curb Your Enthusiasm 9x1

1. Fuck!

2. - Ahh!

3. Hey, hey.

4. Why didn't you keep the door open?

5. No "after you"?

6. I didn't really get an

7. "after you" vibe.

8. Well, why not? I'm a woman, aren't I?

9. - Yeah...

10. - Really?

11. Well, I just didn't

12. think you were the type

13. who would want a guy

14. to hold the door open for you.

15. - What type am I?

16. - You know, you're a type.

17. You have short hair,

18. you wear a tie, you got a vest.

19. It's a... It's a look.

20. So, you looked at me

21. and then let a door shut on me.

22. I thought you might not want that,

23. that's all.

24. I was just trying not to offend you,

25. and yet I wound up offending you,

26. which is quite ironic.

27. It is ironic because

28. I would've enjoyed

29. the door being open for me.

30. You know what I mean?

31. Also there was some

32. distance involved, too.

33. - So I would say type plus distance...

34. - You have an equation?

35. - Yeah, type...

36. - You have an equation.

37. Yes, it's a mathematical equation.

38. - I see.

39. - Type plus distance equals

40. no door hold.

41. Where did you get that equation from?

42. I made it up.

43. Well, you know, what kind of vibe

44. I'm getting from you

45. is that that's a fucked-up equation,

46. you know what I mean?

47. But you can't argue

48. with the distance, though.

49. That's a big factor.

50. Huh?

51. Fatwa! The Musical,

52. written by Larry David.

53. - Finally.

54. - Five years.

55. - Five years.

56. - Yeah.

57. You wrote a musical

58. about Salman Rushdie

59. having his life ruined

60. 'cause he got a fatwa, a death threat,

61. from the Ayatollah Khomeini.

62. I'm telling you,

63. there's a lot of funny stuff in there.

64. Who do you think

65. about playing Salman Rushdie,

66. and what about the ayatollah?

67. Salman Rushdie, I don't know,

68. but the ayatollah,

69. I'm actually flirting

70. with the notion of doing it.

71. - You for the ayatollah?

72. - I don't know, I probably won't do it.

73. - It's like the odds are...

74. - The idea sucks, Lar.

75. - It's a stupid idea. It's just...

76. - Really.

77. - How are you helping?

78. Fatwa.

79. Really? Like you're

80. a paragon of tastes. Yeah.

81. Larry, I've seen everything

82. on Broadway.

83. - This is my office.

84. - It's a stupid fucking idea.

85. Fatwa. People don't wanna see that.

86. They want uplifting.

87. You don't even know

88. what you're talking about.

89. You sound like a moron. You know that?

90. Do I, really?

91. Yeah, you do. It's a good idea.

92. And by the way, what the hell are you

93. doing here anyway?

94. Well, I was in the area

95. looking for venues.

96. - Does he know?

97. - No.

98. Guess who's getting married.

99. - Sammi's getting married?

100. - Yes, my little Samella. Yes.

101. - Who's the guy?

102. - He's a vet.

103. - An Afghan war vet.

104. - Really?

105. - He was a Marine.

106. - Don't you got to be careful

107. with the, you know, the PTSD?

108. He doesn't have PTSD.

109. I would know. I know things.

110. You don't know. You know,

111. it comes out in a year or two.

112. He could wake up in the middle

113. of the night and start punching.

114. - What is that? What are you doing?

115. - He could wake up...

116. You know, like that.

117. All right. All right,

118. you guys are fucking morons.

119. You poor fucker.

120. Your haircut's here.

121. Yeah, send her in.

122. - You get a haircut in the office?

123. - Yeah.

124. - Betty.

125. - Hi, Susie. How's it going?

126. - How are you, my love?

127. - Good.

128. - Hi, Jeff.

129. - Hiya, Betty.

130. How are you? Good to see you.

131. Good to see you.

132. Huh.

133. So sorry.

134. It's fine. I'm over it.

135. - Really?

136. - Yeah, it's fine.

137. Don't worry about it.

138. He didn't open the door for me.

139. It was a whole thing.

140. I was walking to the door.

141. He didn't open it.

142. - Because the tie and the short hair.

143. - In fact, he let it shut.

144. And then it was offensive

145. to me, obviously,

146. because he thinks that

147. I wouldn't want the door open.

148. - Anyway, I'm awfully sorry.

149. - You know what? It's okay.

150. - Water under the bridge.

151. That's Betty.

152. Betty, you're too good, I'll tell you.

153. She also happens to be a lesbian,

154. and she's marrying

155. her partner in a few weeks.

156. She's a lesbian.

157. She takes such great pride

158. in having a lesbian friend.

159. You know what, Larry?

160. - "Look at me, everybody.

161. "I'm so cool,

162. I hang out with lesbians."

163. Guess what, I had lesbian friends

164. before you knew what lesbians were.

165. Hey, by the way,

166. you know, I could use a haircut.

167. You could. You could.

168. And you know what?

169. I could do it for you.

170. - Really?

171. - Yes, yes. I can come to your house.

172. And I'll open the door for you.

173. Okay.

174. - Come on. Right?

175. - All right.

176. - Right. Yeah.

177. - Okay, okay.

178. - Okay.

179. Hey, it's my long-lost assistant.

180. Welcome back.

181. - Thank you.

182. - Welcome back.

183. You had a nice little

184. two-day unauthorized vacation.

185. Oh, not. It wasn't a vacation.

186. - It wasn't?

187. - No, I was very constipated.

188. - I couldn't poop.

189. - No, I know what constipation is.

190. You don't come to work for two days

191. because you were constipated?

192. Yeah. Luckily it was only two days.

193. The whole world

194. is out there constipated.

195. Half the population is constipated.

196. I got married constipated.

197. People do things constipated.

198. You wouldn't want me here.

199. No, I would want you here.

200. Why wouldn't I want you here?

201. I don't function well

202. with the feeling of heaviness.

203. I feel like I'm wearing

204. a cement inner tube.

205. And now, I mean,

206. it's about being available

207. for it to happen.

208. And it hasn't totally happened,

209. I'm gonna be honest.

210. The blessed event hasn't occurred yet?

211. It's partially occurred,

212. but I'm gonna soldier on

213. here at the office

214. so that we can get some stuff done.

215. You're gonna soldier on.

216. Aye, lassie. I admire your courage.

217. This is one of those fields, like many

218. that isn't researched enough.

219. Perhaps you could champion

220. the cause of constipation.

221. You could raise money.

222. You could go out,

223. you could have fundraisers.

224. You know, you could have groups

225. where people who are constipated

226. get together,

227. and talk about their problems.

228. In fact, you know what else

229. you might wanna think about?

230. Instead of sitting

231. in a chair at your desk,

232. put in a toilet seat.

233. You'll have an office bathroom.

234. Maybe something

235. to consider for the future,

236. if you wanted

237. to look into the plumbing.

238. - Come on. Not a bad idea.

239. - Anyway.

240. Well, I did get a voicemail,

241. and Richard Lewis called.

242. And unfortunately, his parakeet died.

243. Oh! Hmm.

244. - Had you ever met him?

245. - Yes. Yes, I did.

246. - What was he like?

247. - Bird-like. He was bird-like.

248. - Yeah.

249. - You know what? I'll cheer him up.

250. I'll send him a little text.

251. How about that?

252. Yeah, well, I think for death,

253. sometimes a text is inadequate.

254. Yes, perhaps if it were a person,

255. I would agree with you.

256. All right. Done. He's gonna love it.

257. Hey, do me a favor.

258. This pen is out of ink.

259. I need a refill.

260. Okay?

261. There you go.

262. And you...

263. There you go. You got the refill.

264. You have the refill.

265. You have the refill.

266. I worry I'm gonna lose

267. something this small.

268. You take that,

269. - and I will look that up.

270. - Okay.

271. Okay.

272. And think about that toilet.

273. - The chair toilet.

274. - All right.

275. You just sit there at your desk.

276. Pretty good idea.

277. Hey.

278. - Come on.

279. - What's up?

280. Turn this down. It's too loud.

281. - What's too fucking loud?

282. - I hear it on the street.

283. Wait, just wait a fucking minute.

284. I'll turn the shit down, okay?

285. - Yeah. What are you doing?

286. - You okay?

287. - Yeah. What are you doing?

288. - I'm fucking lampin'. What you doing?

289. - You're lampin'?

290. - Chilling. Relaxing.

291. Why did you change from "chilling"?

292. What was wrong with "chilling"?

293. You had to get another one? Lampin'?

294. Lampin'. I can sit around here

295. with some fucking boxers on

296. and a tank top,

297. with my feet the fuck up.

298. And chilling is what?

299. You gotta be in real clothes?

300. You can walk around and chill.

301. - Oh.

302. - You upright. You chilling upright.

303. You guys got some great slang,

304. I gotta say.

305. - The fuck you got?

306. - We got boss.

307. That's a boss shirt.

308. Oh, man.

309. You can keep that boss shit.

310. Keep that bullshit.

311. Boss isn't happening, is it?

312. Hey, I wouldn't even

313. say that shit by mistake.

314. Get this, my assistant, okay,

315. doesn't come to work for two days.

316. You know why?

317. You know what she tells me?

318. - What?

319. - She was constipated.

320. Who doesn't come to work

321. - 'cause they're constipated?

322. Have you ever heard of that?

323. - Fuck, no. Come on, man.

324. - Ridiculous.

325. Come on, I shot a porno constipated.

326. I ran a 5k marathon constipated.

327. Shit, man, come on.

328. I was in a hot-dog-eating

329. contest constipated.

330. Hold it, hold it, hold it.

331. You shot a porno?

332. - Seriously?

333. - Yeah. Seriously.

334. And a hot dog-eating

335. contest constipated.

336. And I still fucking won.

337. That's not a fucking excuse.

338. You cannot let this bitch use

339. constipation as something to lean on.

340. You got to fire that bitch.

341. Yeah, well,

342. that's easier said than done.

343. She's got a limp and a cane.

344. I'd feel sorry for her.

345. I can't. I can't do it.

346. And by the way,

347. that's just the tip of the iceberg.

348. Okay. What the fuck else could it be?

349. I'm not at liberty to say.

350. - I can't say.

351. - What is it?

352. I don't wanna say.

353. I don't want to talk about it.

354. You fucking walk all the way

355. the fuck over here,

356. you disturb me from fucking lampin',

357. and you ain't even gonna fucking

358. tell me what the fuck it is?

359. - I can't tell you.

360. - Tell me what the fuck going on.

361. Let's just say her uncle fucked her.

362. - Recently?

363. - No, no. Years ago.

364. Oh, shit, man.

365. You see the dilemma that I have?

366. Between the limp

367. and the cane and the uncle,

368. - she's unfirable.

369. - God damn it, man.

370. - You can't fucking fire her.

371. - I can't fire her, I know.

372. And the thing about it is that

373. she was so highly recommended, too.

374. She used to work for Jimmy Kimmel

375. and he recommended her to me.

376. He said she was great,

377. and she's awful.

378. But why would he recommend her?

379. I know what the fuck happened.

380. He foisted you, man.

381. Fucking Jimmy Kimmel

382. foisted that bitch on you.

383. - What do you mean?

384. - He couldn't fire her either,

385. so he passed her ass on to you.

386. Don't you ever allow yourself

387. to get foisted.

388. You understand?

389. That fucking limpy-ass girl...

390. I got foisted.

391. Now, the only way to resolve

392. this shit,

393. go in your fucking mind

394. and you think of someone

395. you can unload this limpy bitch onto.

396. You have to get rid of this bitch.

397. You know what, every now and then,

398. every now and then,

399. I gotta say, you surprise me.

400. Whoo!

401. Boom!

402. Is that still workable?

403. The fist bump? Is that still...

404. There's people still doing that, yeah.

405. Will you let me know

406. when that goes out of fashion?

407. When that shit stop,

408. I'll let you know.

409. And if you see me doing anything else

410. that the black community

411. might frown upon as being uncool,

412. you're gonna let me know.

413. - I'll stop your ass. You know I will.

414. - Okay, thank you.

415. Now go upstairs and start lampin'.

416. I'm so excited right now.

417. - Like, I can't even tell you.

418. - Sure.

419. I just never thought that

420. I'd be having a wedding.

421. - Have you been married?

422. - I have, yes.

423. So, you've had a wedding,

424. so you know

425. - how awesome it is.

426. - Yeah, but I wasn't

427. - excited in the least.

428. - You weren't?

429. No. But I never get excited, you know.

430. - About anything?

431. - No, my mother used to say to me,

432. "Larry, you never get excited."

433. - Really?

434. - "Can't you be excited?"

435. It broke her heart.

436. There's no excitement.

437. Well, I'm excited,

438. - so I appreciate you letting me talk.

439. - That's great.

440. I have a couple

441. of questions, logistically,

442. about how the whole thing works.

443. - Okay.

444. - So, when the rabbi

445. or the minister or whoever says,

446. "Do you take so-and-so..."

447. What's your fiancée's name?

448. - Numa.

449. "Do you take Numa to be

450. your lawfully wedded wife..."

451. It doesn't really work like that.

452. Oh. Okay, but what about,

453. "Here Comes The Bride"?

454. Who gets the song?

455. - I'm getting that song.

456. - You're getting the song?

457. You're getting "Here Comes the Bride"?

458. Yeah. That's my song.

459. I wanted to be the bride,

460. and Numa's actually

461. always wanted to be the groom,

462. so it worked out good.

463. Not really getting

464. bride vibes from you.

465. Well, that's 'cause you're not

466. at the wedding, obviously.

467. With all due respect,

468. yeah, I don't see bride.

469. I don't see bride, okay, from here.

470. No, try and see it.

471. Just try and see it.

472. - We're at the wedding...

473. - I can't see it.

474. - My dad walks me down the thing.

475. - Yeah, I know. Yeah.

476. I have a veil with, like,

477. - a flower.

478. - Oh, my God, you got the gown, too?

479. - Yeah.

480. - No, this is a huge, huge mistake.

481. - No, it's amazing.

482. - No.

483. Look, you got a picture of Numa?

484. Okay, she's beautiful, obviously.

485. Okay. That's a bride, okay?

486. - Well...

487. - That's a bride.

488. That's a groom.

489. Believe me, I say this

490. only with the best intentions.

491. That's a fucking bride.

492. You a goddamn groom.

493. - The groom, right?

494. - You a goddamn groom.

495. - Yeah.

496. - What's her name?

497. - Numa.

498. - Numa fine as fuck.

499. - Right? She is.

500. - You are one lucky-ass groom.

501. - Thank you.

502. - She gorgeous?

503. I'll see you later.

504. Hey, we need more peanut butter.

505. Okay, well, we're done.

506. Oh.

507. Uh, how much do I owe you?

508. - 150.

509. - 150?

510. Yeah, boy, you're gonna love that.

511. Oh, boy, you're making

512. quite a living there barbering.

513. 150 for a bald man?

514. - For a haircut?

515. - Yeah, well, you're not bald.

516. - You do have hair.

517. - Well... Yeah.

518. - So, thanks.

519. - Yeah, yeah.

520. Think about what I said.

521. - Okay?

522. - Thank you.

523. You're a lovely girl, Betty,

524. but you're not a bride.

525. Unfortunately, unfortunately.

526. So, this is more of the kickoff,

527. - and then we'll have a big gala...

528. Cheryl?

529. - Hi. Excuse me.

530. - Hey!

531. I'm so glad you're here.

532. - Oh, really?

533. - Thank you for coming.

534. What is this name, PAM?

535. That's the best you could do?

536. It's a cooking spray, PAM.

537. No, it's People Against Mutilation,

538. genital mutilation.

539. Yeah, I know what it stands for.

540. And there are very few charities

541. that actually focus on the clitoris

542. and talk about it.

543. I think you got half the population

544. focused on the clitoris.

545. - I'm deadly focused on it.

546. - You are?

547. - Yeah.

548. - Hey.

549. - Hey, Ted.

550. - How are you?

551. - I haven't seen you in a while.

552. - I know.

553. - I know. It's nice to see you.

554. - Where's Mary?

555. Mary?

556. You know, I haven't

557. seen you guys for so long.

558. Mary and I have been separated for,

559. like, three months, you know.

560. - The divorce is almost final.

561. - What?

562. - My bad. Sorry.

563. - Oh, my God!

564. - Holy mackerel.

565. - I am shocked.

566. No, no, no. Truth is, I think

567. we're better friends now

568. than when we were married.

569. That's total bullshit.

570. You just have to say that

571. to yourselves

572. to wean yourself off the relationship.

573. - What is that?

574. - It's a breath spray.

575. Oh, thank God.

576. I think Jeff's looking for you.

577. One second.

578. - Gotta go talk to my manager.

579. - Okay.

580. Big stuff happening.

581. Big stuff.

582. - Strangest man on the planet.

583. - I know.

584. Crazy, crazy exciting.

585. - Really?

586. - Yep.

587. Every producer I sent Fatwa! to is in.

588. Every producer I talked to.

589. I've got so many producers

590. that want to do this.

591. Look at you, Mr. Broadway.

592. Got you booked on Jimmy Kimmel

593. to talk about it already.

594. - Really? Do I need to do that?

595. - Yep.

596. Yeah, you need to do that.

597. Get out there,

598. start talking about this.

599. This is very exciting.

600. Hey, how much does

601. Betty charge you for a haircut?

602. - 75.

603. - She charged me 150.

604. - Twice as much?

605. - Twice as much.

606. - That's crazy.

607. - I know it's crazy.

608. - Why would she do something like that?

609. - I don't know.

610. - She ripped me off.

611. - You want me to call her?

612. No, no, no.

613. I'm gonna say something to her.

614. - Feel free.

615. - Good.

616. Hey, it's Lewis.

617. Come here.

618. - I'll meet you over there.

619. - Cool, cool.

620. All right, I'll meet you

621. over there. Fine.

622. - Happy?

623. - No, I'm not, actually.

624. - This is not the middle.

625. - I don't move again.

626. The middle would've been over there.

627. I took way more steps

628. than you did to get here.

629. - I'm older than you.

630. - Hey, by the way,

631. good news about Fatwa!

632. There's a lot of producers

633. interested in it.

634. I don't care about your fucking play,

635. 'cause my bird died

636. and you sent the most

637. ridiculous, despicable text.

638. "Sorry about your bird.

639. "The good news is I'm still alive."

640. - Prick.

641. - Prick?

642. This is a tragedy and you treated it

643. like it was nothing to me.

644. - How dare you?

645. - No, I don't see it as a tragedy.

646. You don't? Why not? It's my bird.

647. If it was a parrot,

648. it would be a tragedy.

649. - Oh, really?

650. - Or some exotic bird from Brazil,

651. like a macaw or a toucan.

652. I don't live in a Cuban dance hall.

653. I live in my own home

654. and it doesn't take toucans.

655. You know, it's a dead parakeet.

656. That's a funny thing.

657. I loved him.

658. It was unconditional love.

659. - It was...

660. - Unconditional love?

661. He doesn't know you

662. from a hole in the wall.

663. He knows me. He knew you.

664. Remember he came over once?

665. He went, "Seinfeld, Seinfeld."

666. He loved you, too.

667. I'm not quite sure it was "Seinfeld."

668. And you thought that was "Seinfeld."

669. - Yeah.

670. - No.

671. Yeah, that's not "Seinfeld."

672. You know why I'm laughing? At the

673. sadness of your entire existence.

674. - Well...

675. - You're so unjust.

676. I take that as a great compliment.

677. Well, there's a lack

678. of empathy and compassion

679. and sympathy for practically

680. everything in your life.

681. There's a lack of everything.

682. - Don't you feel good about...

683. - Look, you're a comedian.

684. You're supposed to be able

685. to take a joke, you know?

686. You're supposed to laugh

687. about everything.

688. Just because I'm a comedian,

689. I have to find

690. everything in the world funny?

691. Yes, everything's funny.

692. You're devoid of anything

693. that's remotely caring or empathetic.

694. And it's sad...

695. Are you sure a dead parakeet

696. isn't funny?

697. This, to me, is a tragedy.

698. - I'm gonna go.

699. - I'm gonna go, too.

700. - I'm going this way.

701. - No, no, I'm going this way.

702. No, you came from that way.

703. You go that way, I'll go this way.

704. No, I wanna go that way.

705. - Oh, hi.

706. - Hey.

707. I'm late, I'm late. I know.

708. Nice of you to show up.

709. Well, Larry, I've been so crazy busy.

710. I've never been like this in my life.

711. Did Jeff tell you about

712. my new business?

713. I heard something. What is it?

714. Soaps On.

715. It's a skin care,

716. bath products, all organic...

717. - "Soaps On"?

718. - ... sustainable.

719. Could you come up with

720. a worse name than Soaps On?

721. It's a great name.

722. You know, you don't know

723. what the fuck you're talking about.

724. - It's a great name.

725. - Okay, good, good.

726. So, what have you been doing?

727. You've been working at night on it?

728. Nonstop. I think I'm gonna

729. have to hire an assistant.

730. I think I have to maybe,

731. maybe more than one.

732. What?

733. Did I just hear you say

734. you needed to hire an assistant?

735. I think I do, yeah.

736. I'm burning the candles on both ends.

737. - Oh, my God.

738. - What?

739. Well, you know, I'm gonna be going

740. to New York to do the play.

741. Yeah, Fatwa!

742. And I'm not gonna be able

743. to take my assistant.

744. - She's good?

745. - Oh, good?

746. She's the best I ever had.

747. Well, what's her history?

748. - She worked for Kimmel.

749. - Jimmy Kimmel?

750. - Yeah.

751. - He's a big star.

752. What? What? Come on, what?

753. - What?

754. - I can't give her up.

755. - I can't, she's...

756. - What are you gonna use her for?

757. You're gonna be on the phone

758. with her here and you're in New York?

759. That's ridiculous.

760. That doesn't make any sense.

761. You need to hire

762. a new assistant in New York

763. and let me take this one.

764. What the hell? You can have her!

765. - Oh, yeah!

766. - Yeah.

767. - I love you so much!

768. - Yeah?

769. This is great! I feel like a weight

770. has been lifted off my shoulders, Lar.

771. - Me, too.

772. - You won't be sorry.

773. Trust me. Fantastic!

774. Pretty good.

775. Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good.

776. I'm not saying you can't be the groom.

777. I'm just saying

778. I think I might not be the bride.

779. I saw myself, and then

780. I'm gonna walk down the...

781. Larry? What are you doing here?

782. The door was ajar.

783. You! You're the one

784. that put this in her head?

785. - What? What?

786. - What is your agenda, man?

787. - No, I didn't do anything.

788. - Of course he just shows up, too.

789. - Out of nowhere. You're here now.

790. - The door was ajar.

791. You left the door ajar.

792. You have no business weighing in

793. on this wedding, okay?

794. It's not completely his fault.

795. No, I just think,

796. look, you're a beautiful bride.

797. - You should be a bride.

798. - I'm the groom.

799. I don't wanna be the bride.

800. You're not groomy, she's not bridey.

801. How is it appropriate for you

802. to have an opinion about this?

803. Well, because I know her.

804. She gave me a haircut.

805. She charged a lot of money

806. for it, by the way.

807. What kind of psychopath

808. interferes with the nuances

809. of a lesbian wedding?

810. Hey, I saw wrong and tried

811. to right it. That's all.

812. - I can't believe...

813. - That's what Ted Kennedy said

814. about Robert Kennedy at his funeral.

815. I'm like Robert Kennedy.

816. You know what's not

817. Robert Kennedy-ish?

818. Wandering into people's homes

819. and spouting nonsense.

820. Okay. Well, don't leave the door ajar.

821. - Stop saying "ajar"!

822. - Okay.

823. What is really going on here?

824. Do you need a hobby?

825. Not a terrible idea.

826. You're right about that.

827. That's a good idea.

828. I just can't seem to find

829. the motivation.

830. You know, when I was a kid,

831. I would collect butterflies.

832. I would go in the park, I had a net,

833. and I would use the net.

834. I cannot tell you

835. how much satisfaction there is

836. in trapping a butterfly in a net.

837. I didn't expect you to

838. actually answer...

839. I didn't expect an actual answer

840. to that question!

841. It doesn't matter about him.

842. - It doesn't...

843. - I'm done.

844. It doesn't matter about him.

845. I just want you to be happy.

846. I want us to have a successful wedding

847. and a successful life.

848. - Fantastic.

849. - I'll do anything you want.

850. - Whatever you want.

851. - I wanna be the groom.

852. You waited too long.

853. That's everything I need to know.

854. - No, no, no.

855. - Here is your ring.

856. - I wish this friendship the best.

857. - No.

858. - What?

859. - Oh, come on.

860. No. No, don't.

861. - Here, allow me.

862. - What the fuck are you doing?

863. - No good?

864. - I don't need you

865. to hold the door for me, you prick.

866. You see? See what happens?

867. I held the door, she didn't like it.

868. You chastised me for holding the door.

869. What's a guy supposed to do?

870. I'm betwixt and between.

871. - Why are you here?

872. - I'll tell you why I'm here.

873. 'Cause I asked Jeff

874. what you charged him for a haircut

875. and he told me $75.

876. You charged me 150.

877. What's up with that?

878. Get the fuck out of my house.

879. Okay.

880. Are you sure...

881. Okay, I got it. I got that.

882. I've got some news.

883. What is it?

884. Okay, 'cause of the musical,

885. I might be going to New York.

886. And I thought,

887. "What am I gonna do about Mara?"

888. So, guess what.

889. I got you a job with my friend,

890. a very close friend of mine,

891. as her assistant.

892. She's starting this new company

893. called Soaps On,

894. - for natural bath and beauty products.

895. - Larry, thank you.

896. This woman really knows

897. what she's doing.

898. And by the way,

899. she's such a terrific person.

900. This woman's,

901. she's a fucking saint, okay?

902. Well, okay. I mean...

903. Don't take this the wrong way.

904. Always, this job felt a little bit

905. - like it wasn't challenging enough.

906. - Is that so?

907. So this could be a good opportunity.

908. We can start right now.

909. Yeah, let's pack you up and let's

910. get you the hell out of here.

911. - Thank you.

912. - Thank you for all the work,

913. the hard work that you did,

914. even though it wasn't

915. very challenging at all.

916. And I don't even know

917. - what you did exactly...

918. - You know...

919. You claim to have done something,

920. but I'm sure you did.

921. Anyway, let's go.

922. - There we go.

923. - Careful.

924. There we go.

925. You got this, you got all this.

926. Look, you got little

927. cookies and cakes here.

928. Okay, take the plant. Yeah.

929. There you go. Okay.

930. Take your water. Get this out.

931. What else? We're done. We're good.

932. There we go.

933. Okay. You're gonna have a good time.

934. - Thanks.

935. - Yeah.

936. Can you walk faster with that thing?

937. They have Olympic events for that.

938. They speed along.

939. Do you want to get

940. a celebratory drink or...

941. Nah. I don't think so.

942. All right, then.

943. Well, should we hug goodbye?

944. I'll tell you what.

945. Let's do one of these.

946. There we go.

947. Now you got your box,

948. we had a little hug.

949. - Thanks, Larry.

950. - All right, you take care.

951. - All right.

952. - We'll see you.

953. - Bye, Leon.

954. - Give my best to Susie.

955. - Tell her I said hi.

956. - See you.

957. Tell me that's what the fuck

958. I think it is.

959. - That's a foist.

960. - Fuck!

961. That was a foist.

962. - My man, look at you.

963. - Yep.

964. - You did it.

965. - How about that?

966. She ain't gonna limp her ass

967. back up in here, right?

968. - No chance.

969. - Dragging that foot, right?

970. No chance. She's been foisted, man.

971. So she's not coming back?

972. - Nope.

973. - She's out of here for good?

974. Out.

975. I can do this.

976. What? What are you talking about?

977. I can do this shit.

978. What? Do what shit?

979. I can be your new assistant.

980. Oh, no, no, no.

981. That's impossible.

982. Come on, man.

983. Larry David's office.

984. What the fuck is up?

985. I'm sorry, that bitch got foisted.

986. You only get half price

987. 'cause you drive a goddamn Smart car.

988. All right?

989. Don't call me no fucking more.

990. Mmm.

991. - Hey, hey.

992. - Hey, how you doing?

993. What's happening? Good to see you.

994. - Good to see you. Hi.

995. - How are you? Welcome.

996. - What's going on?

997. - This is Leon, by the way.

998. Hey, Leon.

999. - This is Jimmy.

1000. - Good to be here, baby.

1001. - Good to have you here.

1002. - He's my temporary assistant.

1003. Hold on, hold on.

1004. Hey, Jeff. What's up?

1005. - Hey. Is that for me?

1006. - We at Jimmy Kimmel.

1007. I'm gonna take it outside.

1008. Fucking good as fuck.

1009. - What is this, crudité?

1010. - Yeah, crudité, yeah.

1011. Crudi-take.

1012. All right?

1013. What are you doing?

1014. - Don't take that.

1015. - It's fine because...

1016. - it's not like we reuse it.

1017. - Hey, are you nuts?

1018. Put the fucking thing back,

1019. you asshole.

1020. Fuck you, Larry! Fuck you!

1021. So, Jeff...

1022. - He's not gonna take it. It's a joke.

1023. - Okay. Yeah.

1024. - How you doing? Everything all right?

1025. - Yeah, yeah. Good.

1026. - What have you been up to?

1027. - You know, just lampin'.

1028. Lamping? Like L-A-M-P-I-N-G?

1029. There's no "G" at the end. Lampin'.

1030. Lampin'. Okay. All right.

1031. It's black slang.

1032. I pick it up from him.

1033. Okay. All right.

1034. I didn't realize that.

1035. But let me congratulate you,

1036. by the way.

1037. Thank... On what?

1038. On the wonderful, fantastic job

1039. of foisting that you did.

1040. - What do you mean?

1041. - Nice job.

1042. You foisted Mara on me.

1043. I did foist her on you.

1044. I did. I really did foist her on you.

1045. - Yeah. Fantastic foist.

1046. And by the way, Marty Short

1047. foisted her on me.

1048. He foisted her on you.

1049. Okay, well, guess what.

1050. You've gotta now

1051. foist her on somebody else.

1052. - Yeah.

1053. - Done. It's already done.

1054. - Congratulations.

1055. - Thank you.

1056. - It feels good, right?

1057. - Thank you. Oh, my God.

1058. It's like a pyramid scheme, almost.

1059. Yeah. In a way, yes.

1060. Eventually there will be

1061. somebody at the end

1062. will have to marry her.

1063. - Exactly. Exactly, yeah.

1064. - Yeah.

1065. Well, thanks for coming.

1066. It's great to have you here.

1067. - Yeah, thanks.

1068. - See you out there.

1069. - Take it easy.

1070. - It's gonna be fun.

1071. Now, I understand

1072. you have a new project.

1073. Something you're working on.

1074. Yes, yes.

1075. I've written a musical for Broadway.

1076. Mmm-hmm.

1077. It's called Fatwa!

1078. "Fatwa"?

1079. - Fatwa!

1080. - And what is a fatwa?

1081. A fatwa is a death sentence

1082. handed out by the ayatollah.

1083. And this is a comedy?

1084. - Yes, yes.

1085. - Okay. All right.

1086. - It's a musical comedy.

1087. The ayatollah's in it.

1088. The ayatollah is in it?

1089. Of course the ayatollah is in it.

1090. How can you have a fatwa

1091. without an ayatollah?

1092. You do need an ayatollah, right.

1093. What appeals to you

1094. about the ayatollah?

1095. The whole...

1096. You know, the denunciation.

1097. There's a lot of denunciation

1098. going on.

1099. - The denunciation, okay.

1100. - All day long, he's denunciating.

1101. He does do a lot of that.

1102. He does a lot of this,

1103. a lot of, you know.

1104. By the way, I just did it four times.

1105. I started to get denunciation elbow.

1106. - You have to be careful.

1107. - Yeah, you gotta be careful.

1108. - You can kill yourself.

1109. - It's not easy to be the ayatollah.

1110. It requires a lot of energy.

1111. Yeah, yeah.

1112. How many ayatollahs are there?

1113. Is there only one ayatollah?

1114. Well, now there's only one ayatollah,

1115. and they all seem to have

1116. the same name,

1117. and they all seem

1118. to spell it the same way.

1119. And you never know, if you look

1120. at the history of ayatollahs,

1121. it all seems like one person.

1122. - Yeah, yeah.

1123. - They all look exactly the same,

1124. and their names are

1125. Khamenei, Khameeni, Khomani.

1126. In a way, it's like the way KFC

1127. has the different comedians

1128. - play Colonel Sanders.

1129. - Yes, yes. It's the same thing.

1130. What else about the ayatollah

1131. do you know?

1132. He doesn't like Waze.

1133. He likes to navigate on his own,

1134. you know?

1135. - Waze, okay.

1136. - Yeah, he doesn't like Waze.

1137. He gets in the car.

1138. Don't give him any direction.

1139. He doesn't like to be told things.

1140. "I know how to go.

1141. "The Waze takes me

1142. to El Mansour Boulevard

1143. "and gives me a left turn

1144. in rush hour. No good."

1145. - You know.

1146. - I feel like maybe

1147. I've been in an Uber

1148. with the ayatollah,

1149. 'cause I've heard

1150. this very same dialogue.

1151. - That's possible. Yeah.

1152. - Yeah.

1153. Do you know

1154. about the ayatollah's life?

1155. Like, does he eat cereal?

1156. He loves granola.

1157. - He does?

1158. - Yes.

1159. Well, well. Look at you.

1160. You got here ahead of me.

1161. I can't believe it.

1162. Goddamn right.

1163. I'm doing my fucking dizzle, baby.

1164. Jesus, you're working.

1165. Hey, that ayatollah bit

1166. you did on Kimmel was fucking great.

1167. - Yeah?

1168. - Yeah.

1169. - You liked it?

1170. - I fucking loved it.

1171. Oh, good.

1172. Larry David's office. What's up?

1173. Let me speak to Larry.

1174. - It's Jeff.

1175. Okay, transfer it to here.

1176. How?

1177. - I don't know.

1178. - What's taking so long? Get Larry!

1179. Hold on, Jeff. Hold on.

1180. - Hey.

1181. - Turn on the TV.

1182. - What channel?

1183. - Every channel!

1184. Every goddamn channel!

1185. You're a complete and total fuck-up.

1186. You're a total, total fuck-up.

1187. Larry David, who you may know as

1188. the co-creator of Seinfeld,

1189. went on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night

1190. to talk about his new

1191. musical called Fatwa!

1192. in which the ayatollah

1193. is one of the main characters.

1194. There's a small harem.

1195. He has a fetish for redheads.

1196. And twice a year, he goes to Ireland

1197. on a harem shopping spree.

1198. Today, the Ayatollah Abdullah

1199. Kazemaini of Iran

1200. has accused Larry David of blasphemy,

1201. issuing an actual fatwa and calling

1202. for the death of the comedian.

1203. Here's what the ayatollah had to say.

1204. Larry David...

1205. Seinfeld...

1206. - What the fuck?

1207. - "What the fuck" is right.

1208. No one would dare insult

1209. the sacred beliefs of Muslims,

1210. nor disparage our honor.

1211. I didn't disparage.

1212. There was no disparage.

1213. - You did disparage.

1214. - No, no. I didn't disparage!

1215. I begged you

1216. not to imitate the ayatollah.

1217. - No, you didn't.

1218. - I told Leon.

1219. I said you got to get

1220. this message to him.

1221. Jeff told you to tell me

1222. not to do the ayatollah?

1223. I didn't fucking remember.

1224. How am I gonna remember that shit?

1225. What the fuck is wrong with you?

1226. - I didn't know what the fuck...

1227. - Oh, my God! What the fuck?

1228. Kill Larry David!

1229. So I call on valiant Muslims,

1230. wherever they may be,

1231. - to kill Larry David without delay.

1232. - What?

1233. And whoever may die

1234. in this cause will be a martyr.

1235. No! I'll repent! I'll be modest!

1236. Even if Larry David repents,

1237. he will be condemned to death.

1238. I'll convert! I'll become a Muslim!

1239. Even if Larry David converts to Islam,

1240. he should still be sent to hell.

1241. - Jeff!

1242. - You got a fucking fatwa.

1243. - I got a fatwa.

1244. - You got fatwa'd.

1245. No!

1246. Gentlemen, the FBI

1247. takes this very seriously.

1248. But it's nothing

1249. that you really need to worry about.

1250. What? That's so easy for you to say.

1251. The ayatollah mentioned my name.

1252. The fucking guy was on television,

1253. screaming my name.

1254. Larry David!

1255. Larry David!

1256. I'm doing Spanish, it sounds like.

1257. Larry David!

1258. Quick question.

1259. What about friends

1260. of people that have fatwas?

1261. Fatwa by association.

1262. What kind of fucking question is that?

1263. - Do I associate with you?

1264. - Yeah.

1265. Okay. I wanna know

1266. what my situation is.

1267. Fatwa by association.

1268. What do you know about it?

1269. - You're fine as well.

1270. - I am?

1271. - You're fine.

1272. - Hey, I got an idea.

1273. I go on the Jimmy Kimmel show

1274. and I apologize.

1275. - I apologize to the ayatollah.

1276. - You think I didn't think of that?

1277. I've already talked

1278. to the Kimmel show.

1279. They want nothing to do with you.

1280. This whole thing's falling apart.

1281. Every Fatwa! producer has called me.

1282. This is all dead.

1283. Hey.

1284. - It's me.

1285. - Holy shit.

1286. - What are you doing?

1287. - What am I doing?

1288. - I'm wearing a disguise.

1289. - You think that's gonna help?

1290. Yeah, well, it couldn't hurt.

1291. What am I supposed to do?

1292. Disguises have been employed

1293. effectively in the past.

1294. Tyra Banks dressed up

1295. as a fat person on her show

1296. to see what it's like being fat.

1297. Needless to say,

1298. it wasn't very pleasant.

1299. Have you ever seen Undercover Boss?

1300. The guy goes undercover,

1301. nobody even knows who he is.

1302. He's the boss of the whole company.

1303. He fools everybody.

1304. Well, you know what the good news is?

1305. I'm still alive.

1306. You know what? That's not funny.

1307. - It's not funny.

1308. - You know, you're a comedian.

1309. You should be able to take a joke.

1310. What, you're comparing this

1311. to your dead parakeet?

1312. - Nothing compares to my dead parakeet.

1313. - Yeah.

1314. Larry David!

1315. - I know you're in here I saw your car.

1316. - Holy shit.

1317. - Fatwa?

1318. - No, lesbian bride.

1319. Larry David?

1320. Where the fuck are you, Larry?

1321. Prepare to die, baldy.

1322. I know you're in here, Larry.

1323. I'm gonna fucking kill you!

1324. And the next time a door's ajar,

1325. maybe stay the fuck out.

1326. I'm gonna fucking kill you.

1327. Larry fucking David!

1328. Fatwa?

1329. No, cocksucker. Foisted!