Curb Your Enthusiasm 7x7

1. - I think down there. - This is it? Really?

2. I don't know. I don't remember. I haven't been here in years.

3. - This is it right here. - This is it?

4. - Yeah, here. - This is Mom's grave?

5. "Past Away"?

6. P-A-S-T?

7. Dad, you spelled "passed" wrong.

8. It's not spelled P-A-S-T.

9. "Passed away." P-A-S-S-E-D.

10. I know how to spell it.

11. That's $50 a letter.

12. You spelled it wrong on purpose to save $100?

13. Yes, why not?

14. It has the same meaning. Everybody knows what it means.

15. - It's not the same meaning. - You saved $100?

16. I would've paid for it.

17. - I-I... - Are you kidding?

18. I didn't ask you because I didn't want to bother you.

19. That was the whole idea.

20. Honestly, this is not the nicest way...

21. - This is insane. - ... to honor your wife.

22. Okay, I'm sorry. I gotta change this.

23. You got the name of the stonemason?

24. Yes, I have the name of the stonemason, yes.

25. I'm gonna change this. I'm gonna spell it the right way.

26. And what about some blandishments on here?

27. How about "Devoted Wife"? Some adjectives?

28. "Beloved Mother of Larry" would've been nice.

29. You wanted maybe $6,000 more on the stone?

30. Why not just "Adele David Born, Passed Away"?

31. How long do we have to stay here?

32. - P-A-S-T past. - "Past away."

33. - I don't believe it. - God only knows

34. what that man has let go through.

35. Lucky he didn't put "Beloved Moth."

36. Hey hey hey. Norm's here. We've got to hurry up.

37. Let's eat. Let's order.

38. He's the slowest golfer in the United States.

39. Let's order breakfast and beat him to the first tee.

40. - Yeah, come on. - What are we having?

41. I'm gonna have egg whites with a bagel. Quickly, please.

42. - I'll have sunny-side eggs. - Just a fruit plate.

43. I'd like the same thing... egg whites with lox and well-done onions.

44. I don't want them limp. I really want them crispy.

45. Andy, Andy, do me a favor.

46. - You don't need to get crispy onions. - No, this is what I want.

47. No no, it takes a long time to get onions well-done.

48. Believe me. I've ordered this before. I know exactly what I want.

49. - I know, but they take a long time. - Thank you.

50. - Thank you very much. - It takes a long time.

51. Oh, stop it. You don't know what you're talking about.

52. - I do know. I make onions at home. - So I'll only eat half.

53. - Don't worry. - You have never played behind Norm.

54. - Hey, Jim. - What's going on?

55. - How are you? - Not bad.

56. - Just in town for the day. - Going back to New York?

57. Yeah, taking a red-eye tonight.

58. - Good to see you. - Good to see you.

59. - Take care. - Take care.

60. Why didn't you introduce us?

61. He's from New York. You're never gonna see him again.

62. It's a courteous thing to do.

63. - What, do you have to know his name? - I don't have to know it.

64. He has to know your name and shake your hand?

65. It's a common courtesy when you're talking to someone.

66. It's a pointless and unnecessary social convention

67. to introduce every single person you know.

68. Hello? Oh, hey, Dad.

69. I can't talk here. I'm in the dining room.

70. You shouldn't use the phone in here.

71. - Home for dinner tonight at 6:30. - Keep it down.

72. Come on. Tell him you'll call him back.

73. Great. I'll see you then.

74. No cell phone in dining room. Club rule.

75. Why you break rule?

76. Oh. I'm sorry, Mr. Takahashi.

77. My father had a quadruple bypass surgery yesterday

78. and he needed to hear my voice.

79. You do this all time.

80. Last warning.

81. Sorry.

82. - Who the hell is he? - That's Mr. Takahashi.

83. - He's the owner. - Of the club?

84. - Yeah. - Oh boy.

85. Will you please finish shoveling that shit into your face?

86. It's exactly how I wanted it done.

87. I told you those onions were gonna take 10-15 minutes.

88. A couple of minutes longer than you guys.

89. It wasn't a couple of minutes. We've been done for five.

90. All right. Let's hit it.

91. What does it matter now? What does it matter now?

92. - Oh, it's over. - Maybe they're going to the range.

93. No, they're not going to the range. They don't go to the range.

94. - Thanks, gentlemen. - Yeah, I got it. Don't worry.

95. - Thanks, Lar. - You're welcome.

96. You know what they do here? It's an 18% tip included.

97. And then they have a space for an additional tip.

98. I have to start doing math in my head now?

99. And then... what does it come out to? $2?

100. I'm leaving an extra $2? That makes me look cheap.

101. Just leave the 18% and let's go.

102. I think that's all they expect.

103. I'm not leaving any more additional tips here. I'm protesting it.

104. I swear to you I'm gonna protest it.

105. - I don't think it's right. - I'm gonna follow your lead.

106. - It's a good protest. - This is crazy.

107. - You ready? - Yeah, we're ready.

108. Let's go, let's go. Come on.

109. - Thanks again, guys. - Okay, thank you.

110. Have a good round.

111. Whoa. Was... was everything all right?

112. - Yeah, good job. - Thanks.

113. Um, see, 'cause you didn't leave a tip.

114. And usually when I've provided excellent service,

115. my customers like to tip me.

116. Well, there is an 18% tip included.

117. Generally, I do leave an additional tip,

118. but you know what? I'm kind of protesting the additional tip.

119. - I don't care for it. - You're protesting.

120. Yes. Let 'em charge me 20%. Let 'em charge me 25%.

121. I'd rather be charged a 30% tip included

122. than have to add up 18% to 20% to 25%... whatever.

123. It's not that much. It's 2%.

124. - It's hard to get to 2%. - You take 1%,

125. just move the decimal place two spots.

126. Okay, you have a system. I don't have a system

127. to get to 2%.

128. You know, don't make me do math at the table.

129. So you're protesting math.

130. I'm protesting math. Exactly.

131. - Boy, this is ridiculous. - This is insane.

132. 20 minutes he's looking for this ball.

133. I know.

134. Hey, Norm, drop a ball.

135. - Huh? - You've been looking for 20 minutes.

136. - Just drop a ball. - I haven't been looking for 20 minutes.

137. You can't hold up the whole course like this! Let us play through!

138. You don't play through. Out of the question!

139. It's not right! It's very inconsiderate!

140. I'm not inconsiderate! You're inconsiderate!

141. - You're inconsiderate! - No, you are!

142. - You want to do me a favor? - Yeah yeah.

143. - Shove it up your ass. - Are you happy you had the onions?

144. Huh? Are you glad you had the onions?

145. - I can't find the goddamn ball! - Let's go!

146. Don't be angry at me just 'cause you're angry at him.

147. - We'll come back tomorrow. - I come to relax, to have a good time!

148. Crispy onions! They have to be crispy!

149. "I can't eat breakfast

150. unless I have crispy onions!"

151. - How's your wife? - Fuck you, Norm!

152. - That was a lot of fun. - Yeah, what a time.

153. Hey, you!

154. Yes, you.

155. Did you have to yell and scream at Norm out there?

156. - Did you? - Yeah, I did have to yell and scream.

157. You guys are the slowest foursome in the club.

158. You're very inconsiderate.

159. He's looking for a ball for half an hour.

160. You don't yell at somebody who has high blood pressure.

161. I didn't know he has high blood pressure.

162. Know what happens when you yell at somebody with high blood pressure?

163. They have a heart attack and they die.

164. That's exactly what happened. Norm is dead.

165. That's right.

166. So you're blaming me?

167. - Yes! - It's not my fault

168. that he had a heart attack.

169. - Did you even know him? - I did know him somewhat.

170. - Did you like him at all? - No, I thought he was a prick.

171. You know, that's interesting

172. because I heard so many stories about you when I joined this club

173. and I could not believe that they were all true about one human being.

174. Now I know that everything that I've heard

175. - is true. - What did you hear?

176. What did you hear? Tell me what you heard.

177. - What? - You're getting quite a reputation

178. - here at the club. - What are you talking about?

179. - I didn't do anything. - Look, it may have been an accident,

180. - but you're a murderer. - How dare you?

181. No, you're not a murderer. You're not a murderer.

182. It's involuntary manslaughter.

183. You didn't intend to kill him, but you killed him.

184. - I didn't kill him! - I'm not pointing fingers,

185. but you killed him. You did!

186. Hey, let me tell you something:

187. The minute you wanted those crispy onions,

188. you put a gun to that guy's head.

189. You're right. If he hadn't ordered those eggs that way,

190. you wouldn't be guilty of involuntary manslaughter.

191. What time are we playing tomorrow?

192. - Early. Yup. - Early. Yeah.

193. Early. Good idea.

194. So what's the deal with the "Seinfeld" reunion? Are they all doing it?

195. Yeah, the read-through is next week.

196. - How about that? - Yeah, that's great.

197. Ooh, the stonemason called and he said he'll call back.

198. I picked up the phone.

199. Oh, and while I was on the phone, I think I sold him a hat.

200. - Are you kidding? - On the phone.

201. The stonemason is gonna buy a hat from you?

202. - What kind of hat? - Nat, you haven't seen her hats?

203. Oh my gosh, wait till you see this!

204. What she does... she's so creative!

205. She astounds me. Look at this.

206. This is what I live to do. It's my passion.

207. Right, so how do you get to take care of your baby?

208. I have to work.

209. Listen, kids cost a lot of money nowadays.

210. We got health insurance and school and college.

211. It's tough to live in New York. We're saving already for college.

212. Okay. You know what I'm gonna do?

213. I'm gonna pay for Skylar to go to college.

214. - Oh, cut it out. - Larry.

215. - What do you think of that? - Are you serious?

216. - Yeah, I'm gonna do it. - That's...

217. I don't have any kids. I have money.

218. I'll do it. I don't want you to worry about that.

219. - By golly. Oh my God! - That's everything!

220. - That's everything. - Uncle Nat, look who you raised.

221. - Yes, I'm lookin' at him. - I can't believe what you're doing.

222. I'm gonna make you a thank-you hat.

223. Don't make me a thank-you hat.

224. It's done.

225. You know what would be a great thing that you could do?

226. If you could show it to some of your celebrity friends,

227. like Jerry Seinfeld.

228. Jerry Seinfeld is not going to wear that hat.

229. - You don't know! - Yeah, I do know.

230. Or some athlete friend?

231. - Hello. - Hey, it's Ed... the stonemason.

232. Oh, hey. So I want you to do me a favor and change

233. - the inscription on my mother's stone. - Okay.

234. Okay, well you know "passed away"

235. is written on there spelled P-A-S-T?

236. Who was that Yankee you had on "Seinfeld"?

237. - Derek Jeter? - He could wear one.

238. That guy sucks.

239. - Who sucks? - Derek Jeter.

240. He's the most overrated player in baseball.

241. - What did you say? - I can't stand Derek Jeter.

242. You know he's the worst defensive shortstop in baseball statistically?

243. Bullshit. He's a great clutch hitter. He's a great clutch player.

244. Larry, come on back.

245. There's no way he deserves that kind of money he's making.

246. Okay, you know what? Do me a favor

247. and just take care of the stone, please?

248. - Will do. - Thank you.

249. - How great is this day? - Gorgeous.

250. Where is everybody? Yesterday it was packed. Nobody's here.

251. I think it's out of respect for Norm.

252. Yeah, you know, this is the hole that Norm had the heart attack on.

253. - This is the hole? - This is the hole.

254. - Wow. - Yeah.

255. Oh, God damn it.

256. A good swing; you came over it.

257. - What am I doing? - You came over the top of it.

258. Right by the pond. You're right by the pond.

259. Enjoy the swans.

260. Hey! Hey!

261. Hey! Hey!

262. Hey!

263. And then I looked up and he started coming towards me.

264. He attacked me! He leapt at me!

265. - Did you provoke him? - No, I didn't do anything.

266. You know this is Takahashi's pet swan.

267. This is the love of his life.

268. You think I wanted to kill it?

269. I didn't want to kill a swan!

270. We're gonna have to call Animal Control

271. - or the Wildlife Society or something. - Are you out of your mind?

272. There could be something in the food or water... they're attacking!

273. Nobody's calling anybody. You got that?

274. Nobody's calling anybody. We'll get kicked out of the club.

275. Okay. Well, I gotta tell my wife.

276. Hey! No wives. Nobody.

277. Come on, I tell my wife everything.

278. It was something that we agreed to in our marriage vows.

279. - What are you talking about? - You tell your wife everything?

280. She won't tell anybody, but I got to tell her.

281. - I have to tell her. - Are you crazy?

282. - What? - You don't tell your wife anything!

283. My wife thinks I'm at the office.

284. The only time I tell her I'm playing golf is when I'm with another woman!

285. You got to cover your tracks.

286. We're a foursome here. We're all in this together. No wives!

287. All right. Fine.

288. We got to bury this thing now.

289. Yeah, let's bury it. We'll bury it in the woods.

290. - Seriously? - Yeah. Come on, pick it up.

291. - No, you pick it up. You killed it. - You pick it up.

292. Oh, this is horrible.

293. Oh, it's horrible. This is horrible.

294. - Fruit's good. - Yeah.

295. - Delicious, isn't it? - How can you talk about the food?

296. I want to throw up. We should get out of here.

297. - Yes, let's get out of here. - Oh, that's a wonderful idea.

298. I want to get out of here now.

299. Let me explain something to you, moron.

300. Swan killers leave.

301. People who aren't swan killers stay,

302. have a little lunch, enjoy themselves,

303. socialize, get to know the members.

304. There's nothing wrong. Get it?

305. Guess what?

306. I'm not a swan killer. Okay?

307. Hey, let me remind you of something, asshole:

308. You're talking way too loud about swan killing

309. in the dining room.

310. Why is that so hard to understand?

311. How many rules are you gonna break, okay?

312. You're not supposed to have your phone on. It's always ringing.

313. - You killed his swan! - Keep your fucking voice down!

314. - You killed a swan. - Shut up! Shut up!

315. Why did I order turkey?

316. I should've just had the eggs and onions.

317. I know they're good here.

318. Will you do me a favor and shut up about your food?

319. He's right. All you're doing is complaining about your food.

320. I told you to get the fruit. It's delicious.

321. I had fruit this morning. What am I gonna order it twice for?

322. - You can have fruit twice in one day. - You can't.

323. You get the acid. It'll rip a hole in your stomach.

324. They have non-acidic fruit. You got papaya and mango and banana.

325. Hey, uh, what's that?

326. - What do you think that is? - I don't know,

327. but it's not what you're thinking.

328. We buried the thing 20 minutes ago. They're not gonna find it already.

329. Oh no. Look.

330. Clubhouse!

331. Now what are we gonna do?

332. It was a bird. What were you so scared of?

333. - A bird! - It was self-defense!

334. What could it have possibly done to you?

335. - It could've killed me. - It's not a wild boar!

336. You should've seen when it leaped in the air!

337. Why even bury it? Why were you thinking of burying it?

338. Mr. Takahashi

339. would like to see you all in his office now.

340. So, gentlemen.

341. You know what this is?

342. This is tee sheet.

343. It tells me who played

344. and who did not play.

345. Only one other group played.

346. Course not crowded.

347. Respect for Norm.

348. Oh. You played.

349. Why? You don't respect Norm?

350. - No no, of course. - I respect Norm, absolutely.

351. Although he was a slow player.

352. What else you not respect?

353. Beautiful black swan?

354. Black swan, are you crazy?

355. We adore swans!

356. My beautiful black swan Kyoko

357. was killed, murdered.

358. Who killed Kyoko?

359. You. I don't know you.

360. - Who are you? - I'm a guest here.

361. If I may say, I think the food here is just great.

362. - I ordered some eggs with onions... - You killed swan?

363. No, sir.

364. I'm from out of town. I have no reason to kill the swan.

365. You. You smart guy.

366. - Thank you. - Yeah.

367. - You no kill swan. - Oh, no, sir.

368. But you know who killed swan.

369. Well, I don't think... no, I don't think I do.

370. - You like club? - I love this club.

371. You tell me, free dues.

372. No more dues.

373. - For life? - Whole life.

374. - Valet parking? - Any time.

375. - Range balls? - All you want.

376. Now you tell me. Right here, tell me.

377. Um, no, I really can't think of who could've done it.

378. - You. - Hmm?

379. - You kill swan? - No, I'd never kill a swan.

380. - Why? You stupid. - I'm not stupid.

381. Yes. You marry big-mouth wife.

382. She does have a big mouth.

383. Yes, maybe I talk to her.

384. No, don't call her.

385. I don't even bring her around anymore out of respect.

386. Oh. Larry.

387. - How are you? - I'm good.

388. Yeah?

389. - You kill Kyoko? - No.

390. - Yeah. - No.

391. Hey, I can't talk now. I'll call you back.

392. No cell phone in the clubhouse!

393. Last warning!

394. Now go! Go!

395. Hey, where you going?

396. Oh, they're having a memorial for Norm at the club.

397. - And tomorrow a funeral. - Oh my God.

398. Two days in a row. This is worse than playing behind him.

399. Anyway, I came in to thank you

400. for your gracious offer for putting Skylar through college.

401. - Well, you're... you're welcome. - Thank you.

402. I mean, my wife and I were talking about it in bed last night.

403. And you know what Cassie said to me?

404. She wants to go to cosmetology school.

405. So would you put her through cosmetology school?

406. - What? - This is her calling.

407. Would I put her through cosmetology school?

408. She's great with lotions!

409. I mean, have you ever... what she does...

410. oh my God, she was born to do this.

411. I have to say I'm very put off by this.

412. - Why? - I make this generous offer

413. to pay for your daughter's education

414. and now you want me to put your wife through cosmetology school?

415. - Yeah. - All of a sudden?

416. No, I just think it's wrong.

417. It's very wrong of you to ask me that.

418. - Don't you get that? - How irrational a man can you be?

419. What's happening? You're saying no?

420. Yes, I'm saying no.

421. I just thought it would be a gesture. It would be nice.

422. - She'd be perfect for it. - I thought I made my nice gesture

423. - with your daughter. - We don't even know if Skylar's

424. gonna go to college. I'm not saying it wasn't a beautiful gesture,

425. but who knows? She might be a drug addict.

426. I don't know what kind of people can do something like that.

427. What kind of people... you know what kind of people we're not?

428. We're not the kind of people that kill swans.

429. That's the kind of people. We don't kill swans.

430. We were in bed and we were... I was talking about that...

431. I had to tell her, Larry.

432. Don't worry. She's not gonna say anything.

433. The two of you had better keep

434. your goddamn traps shut about this swan.

435. - Or what, Larry? You threatening me? - Yeah.

436. What are you gonna do? What will you do to me?

437. - What can you do to me? - I'll open that closet door

438. and take every one of those hats

439. and destroy 'em.

440. The blue hat, the orange hat,

441. the one with the cockle shells, the one with the feathers,

442. and let's not forget the red one you're making for that asshole stonemason.

443. You stop! You will not touch those hats!

444. - I will destroy them. - You will not touch my hats!

445. Keep your goddamn mouth shut!

446. She will! You're not gonna ruin a hat.

447. And you! How dare you say something?

448. Larry, I'm not gonna tell anybody. Don't worry.

449. - Hey. - Hey, L.D.

450. I was just saying I feel so nostalgic.

451. - I'm thinking about my mom and dad. - Really?

452. - Well. - How's your dad?

453. He's good. He's good.

454. Yeah, I'm changing the headstone.

455. - Great. Great. - By the way,

456. I was talking to the stonemason on the phone the other night?

457. What an asshole this guy is.

458. He butts in on a conversation that's none of his business,

459. starts telling me how Jeter's overrated.

460. What an ignorant moron.

461. - Okay. - My God.

462. Please, give me a break. There's not one person

463. who's ever said that except this asshole.

464. - Honestly. - I'm an asshole?

465. Who are you?

466. I'm Ed... the stonemason.

467. Ah.

468. What are you doing here?

469. Did Marty's mom's headstone and his dad's headstone.

470. I'm doing Norm's headstone.

471. I hope I get to do yours real soon, prick.

472. See you later, Eddie.

473. Why didn't you tell me he was the stonemason?

474. Oh, you wanted an introduction.

475. - Is that right? - Yeah.

476. What about your policy? No introductions.

477. I know, but there's extenuating circumstances.

478. No no, you said they were a stupid social convention.

479. So I'm hoisted on my own petard.

480. Exactly.

481. Hmm.

482. Where's Jeff?

483. Oh, he said he was gonna be late.

484. Look, he sent me this email.

485. Look at this.

486. He wants me to come clean.

487. - I think it's a good idea. - No, it's not a good idea.

488. - Keep your mouth shut. - Everyone, can I have your attention?

489. If you'll please take your seats, we're about to get started.

490. Thank you all for coming. As you know, the funeral is tomorrow,

491. but we wanted to do something special today,

492. and that's celebrate Norm's life

493. in a special memorial service.

494. And where else? The place he loved the most...

495. his beloved club.

496. Norm loved nothing more than coming here

497. and enjoying a leisurely game of golf.

498. Please turn off your cell phones and pagers.

499. Thank you. Bye-bye.

500. - Sorry. - What are you doing here?

501. - What what what? - You killed him, Larry.

502. Oh, no. In fact, I have a theory I'd like to present to you.

503. May I tell you my theory?

504. Okay. I believe this is what happened:

505. Norm had the heart attack on the 12th hole

506. near the pond, am I right?

507. - Yeah. - Okay.

508. I think he was attacked by the black swan.

509. The swan is dead, Larry.

510. He's dead now. He was very much alive

511. at the time Norm had the heart attack

512. and at that pond with Norm.

513. Here, the two of them over here.

514. I had nothing to do with it. I'm on my way to the locker room.

515. I'm here. I'm over here.

516. Here's Norm and the swan.

517. Here's Norm, Kyoko the crazy black swan.

518. Norm, heart attack, down. That's what happened.

519. That's why Norm died.

520. That black swan was a menace.

521. They should've put that swan away a long time ago.

522. I don't know who killed that black swan,

523. but whoever did it

524. was a hero.

525. A hero.

526. Ah, Mr. David, I believe this is yours.

527. Yeah.

528. That's some BlackBerry you got here. This wheel is amazing.

529. You can really just scroll right through those emails, huh?

530. Yeah.

531. - Thanks. - It's a pleasure serving you, sir.

532. There's no doubt that he read your email about the swan killing.

533. He's gonna tell Takahashi. We're screwed.

534. We're all screwed, there's no doubt about it.

535. There's, uh... there's an 18% gratuity included.

536. So...

537. - That's a shakedown. - That's a shakedown.

538. This is as clear as can be.

539. I'll take care of this.

540. All right.

541. - All set? - Mm-hmm.

542. Great. We'll see you.

543. Is this, uh...

544. is this for real?

545. Oh yeah.

546. Yeah, that's for real.

547. Mr. David, thank you so much.

548. - You're welcome. - This is so generous.

549. And let's... let's keep this between the two of us.

550. - No problem. - You know, like everything else.

551. Yeah. Yeah, like everything else.

552. You know, like everything... everything else.

553. Thank you again. Really.

554. What a generous guy.

555. I don't think he knew what the fuck you were talking about.

556. He had the heart attack right by the pond. It was the swan.

557. Think about it. It's a theory.

558. Anyway, it was a lovely service. I'll see you at the club.

559. Larry, I'd like talk to you.

560. Yes, Mr. Takahashi?

561. I heard about your big additional tip to waiter.

562. Such generosity.

563. You know, most people, they don't give additional tip.

564. Now I know a man so generous

565. could not have killed my black swan, my Kyoko.

566. Of course I didn't kill Kyoko.

567. I was trying to tell you that.

568. You forgive me?

569. Okay.

570. - I'll forgive you. - Thank you.

571. Lost a little face, didn't you?

572. A little... oh, a lot. I lost a lot of face.

573. - Got your face back? - Yes yes yes.

574. - Oh, you going to car? - Actually,

575. I'm going to see my mother's gravestone,

576. but it's on the way to the parking lot.

577. - We walk together. - Let us walk together.

578. After you, sir. After you.

579. I have a couple things I wanted to discuss with you actually.

580. Let's get rid of that additional tip in the dining room.

581. Nobody wants to sit and do math after they eat to figure out

582. - and additional tip. - No math.

583. Make it a 20% flat... make it 25%.

584. - Yes, 25%. - 25%.

585. - Huh? You like that? - I love it.

586. - Okay, Mr. Takahashi. - I like that.

587. Very much!

588. Last time you leave a big tip

589. it always go to the waiter.

590. They like you so much.

591. - All right, you take care. - Bye bye!

592. Okay.