1. I'M DROWNING.Copy !req
2. I'M GONNA DIE.Copy !req
3. AND SOMEWHERE—
I'M NOT RELIGIOUS AT ALL—Copy !req
4. I SAID, "GOD, HELP ME!"Copy !req
5. AND I'M DEPOSITED
RIGHT ON THE BEACH.Copy !req
6. - OH MY GOLLY.
- I WENT SWIMMING THAT DAY
FOR SOME REASON.Copy !req
7. SOMETHING DREW ME
TO THE WATER.Copy !req
8. WHY? I DON'T KNOW.Copy !req
9. I WAS LIKE A BABY
DRAWN TO THE NIPPLE.Copy !req
10. YOU KNOW?
OR AN ADULT DRAWN
TO THE NIPPLE.Copy !req
11. - EITHER WAY, RIGHT?Copy !req
12. - YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK?
- IS THAT DIVINE
INTERVENTION?Copy !req
13. - Man: UNBELIEVABLE.
- IS THAT NOT DIVINE
INTERVENTION?Copy !req
14. - YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK?
- HUH?Copy !req
15. - I THINK THIS HAPPENED
FOR A REASON.
- YES!Copy !req
16. YES, I THINK SO TOO.
IT HAPPENED FOR A REASON.Copy !req
17. MAYBE YOU'LL START
TO BE MORE RESPECTFUL
TO PEOPLE,Copy !req
18. - TREAT PEOPLE BETTER.
- I'M RESPECTFUL TO PEOPLE.Copy !req
19. - EH, LARRY, EH-HEH.
- WHAT? "EH-HEH"?Copy !req
20. - FINE. WHATEVER.
- I RESPECT TO PEOPLE.Copy !req
21. - I'M VERY NICE TO PEOPLE.
- YEAH, FINE.Copy !req
22. SO, ANYWAY, HUH?
AMAZING?Copy !req
23. - IS THAT AMAZING?
- Jeff: AWESOME.Copy !req
24. TRUE STORY,
EVERY WORD!Copy !req
25. TO LIFE! L'CHAIM!Copy !req
26. - YEAH!
- TO LIFE!Copy !req
27. EVERY DAY IS A GIFT.Copy !req
28. ARE YOU GOING
TO TEMPLE FOR
THE HIGH HOLY DAYS?Copy !req
29. - OF COURSE.
- I WANT TO GO
TO TEMPLE THIS YEAR.Copy !req
30. - YOU DO?
- WELL, YEAH.Copy !req
31. GIVEN WHAT HAPPENED,
DON'T YOU THINK I SHOULD?Copy !req
32. YEAH, IT'S A GREAT THING,
BUT YOU'VE GOTCopy !req
33. TO GET YOUR TICKET
SIX MONTHS IN ADVANCE.Copy !req
34. IT'S A TOUGH TICKET
TO GO TO HIGH HOLY DAYS.Copy !req
35. WHY DO YOU NEED A TICKET
TO GO TO TEMPLE?
IT'S CRAZY!Copy !req
36. I'M NOT SAYING
I JUSTIFY IT,Copy !req
37. BUT YOU NEED A TICKET,
AND I'VE GOT MY TICKETS.Copy !req
38. HOW AM I GONNA GET ONE?Copy !req
39. UM...Copy !req
40. YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'LL MAKE SOME CALLS,Copy !req
41. AND IF I HOOK ONE UP
I CALL YOU TONIGHT.Copy !req
42. - OKAY.
- WE'LL SEE.Copy !req
43. LOOK AT THIS THING.Copy !req
44. YOU EVER SEE A HANDLE
LIKE THIS ON A CUP?
WHAT'S THE POINT?Copy !req
45. - IT LOOKS LIKE
A PRETEND TEACUP.
- LOOK.Copy !req
46. YOU CAN'T GET
YOUR INDEX FINGER IN THERE.
WHAT'S THE POINT?Copy !req
47. I LIKE WATCHING YOU
DO THAT.Copy !req
48. THERE WAS SOMETHING I WANT
TO TELL YOU— OH!Copy !req
49. I WENT BY LEO'S
DELICATESSEN.Copy !req
50. YOU KNOW WHAT'S
UP ON THE BOARD?Copy !req
51. A BRAND NEW SANDWICH
CALLED THE "LARRY DAVID."Copy !req
52. - WHAT? GET OUT OF HERE.
- SWEAR TO GOD.Copy !req
53. SWEAR TO GOD.Copy !req
54. LEO NAMED
A SANDWICH AFTER ME?
YOU'RE KIDDING!Copy !req
55. - YEP YEP YEP.
- I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
I'M ON THE BOARD?Copy !req
56. YOU'RE ON THE BOARD.Copy !req
57. - WHAT IS IT?
- LET'S SEE, UM...Copy !req
58. THERE'S WHITEFISH,
UH, SABLE,Copy !req
59. - UH, CAPERS, ONIONS
AND CREAM CHEESE.
- WHAT? WHAT?Copy !req
60. - THAT'S THE SANDWICH?
- YEAH.Copy !req
61. - YOU'VE GOT A SANDWICH!
- THAT'S A DISGUSTING SANDWICH!
REALLY?Copy !req
62. ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA GET
SOMETHING TO EAT.Copy !req
63. - I'LL SEE YOU IN A MINUTE.
- OKAY. LOOK AT THIS.Copy !req
64. - SORRY.
- OH, BOY.Copy !req
65. OH MY GOSH.
OH, WHAT HAPPENED?Copy !req
66. HE BUMPED ME.Copy !req
67. - DID YOU BUMP INTO HIM?
- NO.Copy !req
68. YOU BUMPED INTO ME.Copy !req
69. - YOU DIDN'T BUMP INTO ME?
- LARR, PLEASE.Copy !req
70. - WHAT HAPPENED?
- OH, NOTHING.Copy !req
71. - READY TO GO?
- YEAH, YOU READY?Copy !req
72. - HEY.
- Susie: WHAT?Copy !req
73. - WE'RE GONNA TAKE OFF.
- WHAT? WE CARPOOLED
WITH YOU.Copy !req
74. - I'M NOT READY TO LEAVE YET.
- IT'S ENOUGH ALREADY.Copy !req
75. LARRY, WHAT THE FUCK?
I'M HAVING FUN.Copy !req
76. - JEFF, THEY WANT TO GO.
- WE WANT TO GO.Copy !req
77. - YOU WANT TO GO?
WE CARPOOLED.
- WE WANT TO GO.Copy !req
78. WE'RE NOT READY
TO LEAVE, JEFF.Copy !req
79. - HE JUST GOT HIS FOOD.
- YOU'LL GET A RIDE.Copy !req
80. - IF DON'T GET A RIDE
GIVE ME A CALL.
- FINE!Copy !req
81. - YOU'LL BE HEARING FROM US.
- YEAH, YOU'LL COME BACK
AND GET US.Copy !req
82. - I'LL COME BACK.
- I BELIEVE THAT.Copy !req
83. OH, LARRY.Copy !req
84. CALL ME MR. TIBBS.Copy !req
85. OOH, LARRY.Copy !req
86. DON'T ANSWER THAT.Copy !req
87. ACTUALLY, THAT MIGHT
BE JEFF CALLING ABOUT
THE TEMPLE TICKETS.Copy !req
88. - I DON'T CARE.
- HUH?Copy !req
89. - I DON'T CARE.
- THIS IS KIND OF IMPORTANT.Copy !req
90. HE'LL CALL BACK.Copy !req
91. BECAUSE I TOLD HIM
TO TRY AND FIND OUT.
HELLO?Copy !req
92. MADE SOME CALLS,
BUT NO GO ON THE TICKETS.Copy !req
93. - OH, WHAT A BUMMER!
- ##YEAH.Copy !req
94. YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY
FOR A SCALPER.Copy !req
95. REALLY? THEY GOT
SCALPER TICKETS?Copy !req
96. I HAVE NO IDEA.Copy !req
97. ALL RIGHT, I'LL GET
SOME SCALPER TICKETS.Copy !req
98. SURE, MAN. I'LL TALK
TO YOU LATER. BYE.Copy !req
99. - GET OFF!
- WHAT?Copy !req
100. - GET OFF OF ME!
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?Copy !req
101. WHAT AM I DOING?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?Copy !req
102. WHAT?Copy !req
103. WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?
WHAT?Copy !req
104. WHY DID YOU HAVE
TO ANSWER THE PHONE?Copy !req
105. 'CAUSE I TOLD YOU
I WAS EXPECTING A CALL.Copy !req
106. WHY? SO WHAT?
I DON'T KNOW.Copy !req
107. JESUS.Copy !req
108. GOOD NIGHT.Copy !req
109. OH, RIGHT.Copy !req
110. MUSTN'T INTERRUPT
INTERCOURSE.Copy !req
111. OH, SACRED INTERCOURSE
CANNOT BE INTERRUPTED.Copy !req
112. OH, EVERYBODY QUIET.Copy !req
113. QUIET FOR INTERCOURSE.Copy !req
114. SHH! DON'T DISTURB
THE INTERCOURSE.Copy !req
115. I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING.Copy !req
116. THIS IS SOME KIND
OF SANDWICH, MY FRIEND.Copy !req
117. IT'S THE FIRST TIME
I REALLY KVELLED—Copy !req
118. REALLY SWELLED UP
WITH JOY.Copy !req
119. LOOK AT THAT.
LARRY DAVID SANDWICH.Copy !req
120. I REALLY KVELL
FROM THIS.Copy !req
121. IT'S SOMETHING THAT
MAKES ME PROUDER
THAN ANYTHING.Copy !req
122. AH, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
I DON'T EVEN LIKE IT.Copy !req
123. - WHAT?
- I DON'T LIKE IT.Copy !req
124. ALL RIGHT, WHATEVER
YOU SAID JUST NOW,Copy !req
125. YOU MUMBLED IT,
WHICH IS SOMETHING
YOU DO A LOT.Copy !req
126. - YOU DO A LOT
OF MUMBLING.
- OKAY.Copy !req
127. YOU DON'T HAVE A LOT
OF RESPECT FOR SPEECH.Copy !req
128. YOU COULD SPEAK
A LITTLE CLEARER.Copy !req
129. IT WOULDN'T HURT ANYBODY.
YOU'RE LAUGHING IN MY FACE.Copy !req
130. I DON'T HAVE RESPECT
FOR SPEECH?Copy !req
131. - YES, SIR.
- I DO! I RESPECT SPEECH!Copy !req
132. - YES!
- I DISAGREE!Copy !req
133. - AHA! LOOK WHO'S HERE!
- HEY, LEO!Copy !req
134. - HOW'RE YOU DOING?Copy !req
135. - SO GOOD TO SEE YOU!Copy !req
136. OH, AND MR. DAVID, TOO!Copy !req
137. HOW ARE YOU, SIR?Copy !req
138. - Nat: FINE FINE.
- HUH? YEAH!Copy !req
139. LEO!Copy !req
140. FIRST OF ALL,
I WANT TO THANK YOU...Copy !req
141. FOR PUTTING ME UP
ON THE BOARD—Copy !req
142. HAVING MY OWN SANDWICH!Copy !req
143. LARRY DAVID SANDWICH,
HUH?Copy !req
144. WILL YOU LOOK
HOW PROUD HE IS.Copy !req
145. NO PROBLEM!
IT IS MY PLEASURE TO PUT
THE LARRY DAVID SANDWICHCopy !req
146. - UP ON THE BOARD.
- IT'S SUCH A WONDERFUL THING.Copy !req
147. YOU LIKE IT, YEAH?
YOU LIKE IT?Copy !req
148. EH!Copy !req
149. - WHAT IS THIS "EH"?
- EH.Copy !req
150. YOU KNOW...Copy !req
151. I'M NOT REALLY A BIG—Copy !req
152. I'M NOT REALLY A BIG FISH GUY
TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH.Copy !req
153. THIS IS THE BEST WHITEFISH
IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD.Copy !req
154. NO OTHER PLACE GOT
THIS WHITEFISH BUT ME.Copy !req
155. I'M SURE IT IS,
BUT I'M MORE OF A PASTRAMI,
CORNED BEEF KIND OF GUY.Copy !req
156. CAN I GET A PASTRAMI,
CORNED BEEF THING?Copy !req
157. YOU ARE
THE WHITEFISH-SABLE
PERIOD.Copy !req
158. - WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?
- WHAT ABOUT TONGUE?Copy !req
159. NO TONGUE!Copy !req
160. HEY, LET ME ASK YOU THIS,
OKAY?Copy !req
161. WHAT IF I GOT SOMEBODYCopy !req
162. TO SWITCH SANDWICHES
WITH ME?Copy !req
163. - TO SWITCH WITH YOU?
- YEAH, MAYBE, YOU KNOW...Copy !req
164. UH, TED DANSON,
OR SOMETHING.Copy !req
165. WHAT DO YOU THINK
ABOUT THAT?Copy !req
166. OKAY, I TELL YOU WHAT
I'M GOING TO DO FOR YOU.Copy !req
167. IF THE MR. DANSON SAY OKAY,Copy !req
168. OKAY, THEN SWITCH.Copy !req
169. - OKAY.
- IF I CAN DO IT,
I CAN DO IT.Copy !req
170. - I'LL SEE YOU
AT TEMPLE.
- OKAY.Copy !req
171. JESUS, THAT GUY...Copy !req
172. ALMOST BROKE MY HAND
WITH THAT SHAKE.Copy !req
173. - DON'T WHISPER TO ME.
- I SAID HE ALMOSTCopy !req
174. BROKE MY HAND
WITH THAT HANDSHAKE!Copy !req
175. YOU KNOW,
MOST OF THE TIME
ONCE IN AWHILECopy !req
176. IF YOU'RE...Copy !req
177. IF YOU'RE PLEASANT
TO PEOPLE...Copy !req
178. YOU... YOU...Copy !req
179. - WHAT'S THE MATTER?Copy !req
180. - TAKE A DRINK OF WATER.Copy !req
181. TAKE SOME WATER.Copy !req
182. IT'S OKAY, POP.Copy !req
183. EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE
ALL RIGHT.Copy !req
184. I'VE GOT YOUR GLASSES.Copy !req
185. WELL, YOUR DAD HASHAD A
MILD STROKE.Copy !req
186. - REALLY?
- YES. HE'S GONNA BE FINE.Copy !req
187. HE'S GONNA BE FINE.
I'VE GOT HIM LIGHTLY
SEDATEDCopy !req
188. AND HE'S RESTING.Copy !req
189. HE'S DOING VERY WELL
AND IT'S NOTHING FOR YOU
TO WORRY ABOUT.Copy !req
190. - OKAY.
- ABSOLUTELY.Copy !req
191. MY FEELING IS WE MAY DO
A LITTLE CORRECTIVE SURGERY.Copy !req
192. I DON'T KNOW
EXACTLY WHEN,Copy !req
193. BUT WE'LL HAVE HIM HERE
FOR AWHILE.Copy !req
194. LET ME ASK YOU
A QUESTION.Copy !req
195. MY DAD AND I WERE
EATING IN THE DELI...Copy !req
196. - MM-HMM.
- EARLIER, AND UM—Copy !req
197. ACTUALLY, THEY NAMED
A SANDWICH AFTER ME.Copy !req
198. - NO KIDDING?
- I'VE GOT MY OWN SANDWICH.Copy !req
199. - THAT IS GREAT.
- I'M UP ON THE BOARD.Copy !req
200. THE LARRY DAVID.
IF YOU GO IN THERE—Copy !req
201. I'VE SEE THAT ON THE MENU—
EVERYBODY'S GOT THEIR SANDWICH.Copy !req
202. BUT THE BAD NEWS IS THAT
I CAN STAND THE SANDWICH,
BETWEEN YOU AND ME.Copy !req
203. WHAT IS IT?Copy !req
204. I SEE YOU RECOILED.
WAS IT A BREATH THING?Copy !req
205. - NO, NOT AT ALL.
- I NOTICED YOU PUT
YOUR HEAD BACK.Copy !req
206. - BUT ANYWAY,
HERE'S MY QUESTION.
- OKAY.Copy !req
207. IS IT POSSIBLECopy !req
208. THAT THE SANDWICHCopy !req
209. COULD'VE HAD SOMETHING
TO DO WITH THE STROKE?Copy !req
210. IF THE SANDWICH
WAS CAUGHT...Copy !req
211. AND HE STARTED CHOKING
AND COULDN'T BREATHECopy !req
212. AND THEN BECAME FEARFUL,
I GUESS IT'S POSSIBLE.Copy !req
213. YOU KNOW, IT COULD RAISE
HIS BLOOD PRESSURE.Copy !req
214. HIS LIFE IS NOT THREATENED.
HE'S FINE AND HE'S RESTING.Copy !req
215. THE SANDWICH
GAVE HIM A STROKE.
HOW DO YOU LIKE THIS?Copy !req
216. THE SANDWICH.Copy !req
217. DO YOU MIND IF I—
IF I, UH—Copy !req
218. I'M A BIG FAN
OF "SEINFELD."Copy !req
219. - I DON'T KNOW IF THAT
BOTHERS YOU OR NOT.
- WHY WOULD IT BOTHER ME?Copy !req
220. - IT WAS A WONDERFUL SHOW.
- THANK YOU.Copy !req
221. AND I'LL TELL YOU WHAT,Copy !req
222. I'M GONNA DO YOUR FATHER'S
SURGERY FOR YOU.Copy !req
223. I'M CHIEF SURGEON HERE.Copy !req
224. USUALLY I DELEGATE IT
TO SOMEBODY ELSE,Copy !req
225. BUT I WOULD BE HAPPY
TO DO THIS FOR YOU.Copy !req
226. - THANK YOU.
- YOU'RE A GOLFER, RIGHT?Copy !req
227. WOULD LIKE TO GET
TOGETHER AND PLAY?Copy !req
228. I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT
THAT SANDWICH MIGHT HAVE
BEEN RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS.Copy !req
229. I'M SO SORRY.Copy !req
230. WHITEFISH.Copy !req
231. WHY DID HE HAVE
TO GIVE ME WHITEFISH?Copy !req
232. THERE ARE SO MANY
OTHER SANDWICHES.Copy !req
233. PASTRAMI, TUNA—
I WOULD'VE TAKEN TUNA...Copy !req
234. EVEN WITH THE MERCURY.Copy !req
235. WHAT STINKS IN HERE?Copy !req
236. YOU KNOW WHAT?
I THINK YOU SMELL
FROM THE ONION.Copy !req
237. YOU WANT A MINT?Copy !req
238. TAKE A MINT.Copy !req
239. NO MINT?Copy !req
240. I GOT A WHOLE HANDFUL
OF THEM.Copy !req
241. WHAT?Copy !req
242. WHAT?Copy !req
243. WHAT IS IT?Copy !req
244. I DIDN'T...Copy !req
245. I'M A DOCTOR?Copy !req
246. WHAT?
I'M A DOCTOR?Copy !req
247. I'M, A-ADOPTED?Copy !req
248. ADOPTED?Copy !req
249. - Nurse: I'M SORRY.Copy !req
250. - I'M GONNA HAVE
TO ASK YOU TO LEAVE.
- DID YOU SAY I'M ADOPTED?Copy !req
251. OKAY, OKAY.Copy !req
252. - NOW.
- OKAY.Copy !req
253. - "ADOPTED," YOU SAID?
- YOU HAVE TO LEAVE NOW.Copy !req
254. - LET'S GO NOW.
- DAD, I'M ADOPTED?Copy !req
255. - I'M ADOPTED?
- LET'S GO.Copy !req
256. LET'S GO.Copy !req
257. I'M ADOPTED.Copy !req
258. I THINK I'M ADOPTED.
I MIGHT BE ADOPTED.Copy !req
259. I THINK I'M ADOPTED.Copy !req
260. I COULD BE ADOPTED.Copy !req
261. I MIGHT BE ADOPTED.Copy !req
262. DENNIS, HEY!Copy !req
263. WHERE'D YOU
COME FROM?Copy !req
264. UPSTAIRS.Copy !req
265. UPSTAIRS?
WHAT THE— ?Copy !req
266. HEY, DO YOU MIND
IF I STOP THIS
FOR A SECOND?Copy !req
267. I HAVE AN IDEA.Copy !req
268. MAYBE IT'D BE
MORE FUNNY IF...Copy !req
269. I'VE SUSPECTED THIS
A LONG TIME.
I REALLY DID.Copy !req
270. THE ONLY NOTICEABLE THING
I HAVE IN COMMON WITH THEM,Copy !req
271. HONEST TO GOD,
IS MY PENMANSHIP.Copy !req
272. I NOTICED THERE'S
A SIMILARITY.Copy !req
273. ISN'T THERE SOMETHING
WITH THE STROKECopy !req
274. WITH OXYGEN
TO HIS BRAIN?Copy !req
275. - COME ON. ADOPTED?
- DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME.Copy !req
276. - I'M NOT TRYING TO RUIN IT.
- DON'T RAIN ON MY PARADE.Copy !req
277. - Ted: LOOK WHO'S HERE.
- HEY!Copy !req
278. - HEY, JEFF. HEY, MAN.
- I CAN'T SHAKE.Copy !req
279. BAD FINGERS.
HURT MY FINGERS.Copy !req
280. ALL RIGHT.
I AM SO BUMMED OUT.Copy !req
281. - I'M AWFUL. I'M DON'T KNOW
HOW TO BE FUNNY ANYMORE.
- IT'S NOT YOU.Copy !req
282. - IT'S THE WRITING.
- WHY ARE YOU HERE
BY THE WAY?Copy !req
283. NO— WE WERE JUST—
I WAS AT HIS OFFICE.Copy !req
284. THOUGHT I'D BRING HIM BY.
TOLD HIM YOU WERE FILMING
HERE.Copy !req
285. - HE GOT EXCITED.
- I FIGURED I WOULD
CHECK OUT THE PILOT.Copy !req
286. THANKS, BUDDY.
I REALLY APPRECIATE IT.Copy !req
287. OH, GUESS WHAT?Copy !req
288. - LEO'S— YOU KNOW.
- YEAH.Copy !req
289. - THEY NAMED
A SANDWICH AFTER ME.
- YOU'RE KIDDING?Copy !req
290. - I GOT A SANDWICH.
- THAT'S WONDERFUL.Copy !req
291. - I'M ON THE BOARD.
- YOU'VE ARRIVED.Copy !req
292. - I'M ON THE BOARD.
- THAT IS FANTASTIC.Copy !req
293. - YEP.
- THAT'S GOOD NEWS.Copy !req
294. THE THING ABOUT IT—
I WAS WONDERING,Copy !req
295. 'CAUSE I KNOW YOU DON'T
GO IN THERE VERY MUCH—Copy !req
296. I'M IN THERE ALL THE TIME.
I'M IN THERE THREE TIMES
A WEEK.Copy !req
297. YOU KNOW, AND IN AS MUCH
AS YOU DON'T GO IN THERE,Copy !req
298. I WAS JUST THINKING
THAT MAYBE—Copy !req
299. 'CAUSE MY SANDWICH
IS A GREAT SANDWICH,Copy !req
300. BUT I'M NOT REALLY
A FISH GUY.Copy !req
301. - YEAH.
- YOU GOTTA LIKE FISH.Copy !req
302. - EH.
- YOU LIKE FISH,
BUT ANYWAY—Copy !req
303. SO I WAS THINKING
MAYBE YOU WOULDN'T MIND
SWITCHING WITH ME.Copy !req
304. SWITCHING SANDWICHES?Copy !req
305. YOU DON'T GO IN THERE.
I'D LIKE TO EAT MY OWN
SANDWICH.Copy !req
306. IT WOULD BE FUN
TO GO IN WITH MY DAD
AND EAT MY OWN SANDWICH.Copy !req
307. ALL RIGHT.
WHAT THE HELL.
WHAT'S THE HARM?Copy !req
308. - REALLY?
- YEAH, WHY NOT?Copy !req
309. - FANTASTIC!
- YEAH YEAH YEAH.Copy !req
310. JUST SO IF ANYONE ASKS ME,
WHAT'S IN MY NEW SANDWICH?Copy !req
311. OKAY, IT'S, UM—Copy !req
312. YOU GOT WHITEFISH.Copy !req
313. YOU KNOW WHITEFISH?Copy !req
314. - WHITEFISH.
- WHITEFISH,Copy !req
315. AND SABLE.Copy !req
316. WHAT IS SABLE?Copy !req
317. - SABLE. IT'S A FISH.
- IT'S LIKE A WHITEFISH.
IT'S A SMOKED FISH.Copy !req
318. - IT'S A SMOKED FISH.
- YOU HAVE TWO FISHES?Copy !req
319. YEAH, BUT THEY BLEND
VERY WELL TOGETHER.Copy !req
320. THEY'RE LIKE SIAMESE TWINS,
WHITEFISH AND SABLE.Copy !req
321. WHAT ELSE IS IN IT?Copy !req
322. - NO CONDIMENTS?
- Jeff: CREAM CHEESE.Copy !req
323. THERE'S SOME CREAM CHEESE.
IT'S—Copy !req
324. - YEAH.
- YEAH.Copy !req
325. CAPERS.Copy !req
326. THEY'RE MAY BE SOME CAPERS.
I'M NOT SURE.Copy !req
327. IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEM,
YOU CAN BRUSH THEM OFF.Copy !req
328. - NOT A BIG DEAL.
- ONIONS.Copy !req
329. YEAH.Copy !req
330. THAT'S SOUNDS AWFUL.Copy !req
331. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
AWFUL?Copy !req
332. MY SANDWICH IS TURKEY,
COLESLAW, RUSSIAN DRESSING.Copy !req
333. IT'S A CLASSIC.
PEOPLE COME IN,
THEY ORDER A TED DANSON.Copy !req
334. YEAH, BUT YOU'RE NOT THERE.
YOU DON'T GO IN THERE.Copy !req
335. PEOPLE ARE USED
TO MY SANDWICH,Copy !req
336. THEY SHOW UP
AND ALL OF A SUDDEN
THEY'RE EATING—Copy !req
337. THE TED DANSON SANDWICH
ALL OF A SUDDEN HAS HERRING
AND LOX.Copy !req
338. - IT'S NOT HERRING.
- CAPERS.Copy !req
339. - ONIONS.
- SHUT THE FUCK UP.Copy !req
340. IT'S NOT HERRING, OKAY?Copy !req
341. IT'S WHITEFISH AND SABLE.
THAT'S NOT HERRING.Copy !req
342. INSTEAD OF ORDERING
A TED DANSON, PEOPLE
ORDER A LARRY DAVID.Copy !req
343. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?Copy !req
344. ONE TASTES GOOD
AND ONE SUCKS!Copy !req
345. WHY DON'T YOU
TASTE THE SANDWICH?Copy !req
346. - TASTE IT!
- I DON'T WANNA TASTE IT!Copy !req
347. - YOU CAN'T EVEN TASTE IT?
- I DON'T WANNA TASTE IT!Copy !req
348. - YOU WON'T EVEN TASTE IT?
- YOU KEEP IT.Copy !req
349. - Ted: I'M WON'T TASTE
YOUR STUPID SANDWICH.
- SO YOU'RE NOT TASTING IT?Copy !req
350. TICKETS?
TICKETS?
WHO NEEDS—Copy !req
351. WHO NEEDS TICKETS?Copy !req
352. TICKETS?Copy !req
353. HAPPY NEW YEAR.
TICKETS?Copy !req
354. - HOW ARE YOU?
- GOOD.Copy !req
355. YOU NEED TICKETS?Copy !req
356. YOU GOT SOMETHING?Copy !req
357. - DO I HAVE—
I HAVE THE BEST SEATS.
- YEAH?Copy !req
358. I HAVE FABULOUS—
TWO SEATS, RIGHT DOWN FRONT.Copy !req
359. - THE CANTOR WILL BE PRACTICALLY
SPITTING ALL OVER YOU.
- REALLY?Copy !req
360. - HOW MUCH?
- GIVE ME $600 FOR THE TWO.Copy !req
361. - I'LL GIVE YOU
$300 FOR THE PAIR.
- I'LL TAKE $300.Copy !req
362. I'LL TAKE THE $300.Copy !req
363. YOU HAVE NO IDEA
WHAT A DEAL THIS IS.Copy !req
364. INCREDIBLE DEAL
YOU GOT HERE.Copy !req
365. - HERE YOU ARE.
- ALL RIGHT.Copy !req
366. - YOU'RE NOT SCREWING ME?
- YOU'RE SCREWING ME MAYBE.Copy !req
367. I'M GIVING YOU THE DEAL
OF A LIFETIME.Copy !req
368. - Jeff: HEY! ALL GOOD.
- Susie: GOT THEM.Copy !req
369. - GOT THEM.
- Jeff: HOW MUCH?Copy !req
370. - PFFT!
- Jeff: REALLY?Copy !req
371. - YEAH YEAH.
- OH, JEEZ.Copy !req
372. I DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHY YOU BUY TICKETS.Copy !req
373. - Susie: IT'S A POPULAR DAY.
- TOO MANY JEWS TO GO AROUND.Copy !req
374. EXACTLY.Copy !req
375. BY THE WAY, THANK YOU
FOR CARPOOLING WITH US.Copy !req
376. I REALLY NEVER EXPECTED
YOU'D GET IN MY CAR AGAINCopy !req
377. - AFTER THE OTHER NIGHT.
- Cheryl: WE'RE SORRY.Copy !req
378. LISTEN,
THIS ADOPTION THING,Copy !req
379. I WAS THINKING ABOUT IT.Copy !req
380. ISN'T THERE AN AUNT
OR AN UNCLE OR SOMEBODY
FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD?Copy !req
381. ANY RELATIVE WHO WOULD KNOW,
THEY'RE ALL DEAD.Copy !req
382. - Susie: THEY'RE ALL DEAD?
EVERY LAST ONE?
- ALL DEAD.Copy !req
383. THERE'S ONE PERSON.Copy !req
384. - I HAD A NANNY
WHEN I WAS—Copy !req
385. - YOU HAD A NANNY?
- I HAD A NANNY—
JOHANNA SEIDERMAN—Copy !req
386. - Susie: YEAH?
—WHEN I WAS A LITTLE KID.Copy !req
387. ANTOINETTE TRACKED
HER DOWN.Copy !req
388. THERE'S A JOHANNA SEIDERMAN
IN A NURSING HOMECopy !req
389. - IN QUEENS...
- REALLY?Copy !req
390. AND I'VE WRITTEN HER
A LETTER.Copy !req
391. THIS IS TERRIFIC.
THAT WAY YOU'LL HAVE
DEFINITIVE "YES, NO."Copy !req
392. - YES.
- YOU MIGHT NOT BE HAPPY,
BUT YOU'LL KNOW.Copy !req
393. LET ME ASK
YOU GUYS A QUESTION.Copy !req
394. YOU PICK UP THE PHONE
DURING SEX?Copy !req
395. - NO!
- WHY WOULD YOU PICK UP?Copy !req
396. YOU'RE IN THE MIDDLE
OF AN INTIMATE MOMENT
WITH YOUR LOVED ONE.Copy !req
397. - YOU'RE GONNA PICK UP?
- I'M—Copy !req
398. - FINE.
- Jeff: WHY WOULD
YOU PICK UP?Copy !req
399. IF EVERY BLUE MOON
I HAVE SEX, I'M NOT
GONNA PICK UP.Copy !req
400. - Susie: WHY DO YOU HAVE
AN ANSWERING MACHINE?
- Cheryl: THANK YOU.Copy !req
401. YOU'RE HAVING
AN INTIMATE MOMENT
AND YOU PICK UP?Copy !req
402. - Jeff: WHO DOES THAT?
- Man: HEY, LARRY.Copy !req
403. LARRY, ROB.Copy !req
404. OH, CAN'T SHAKE, ROB.
GOT A BAD HAND.Copy !req
405. OKAY. ALL RIGHT.Copy !req
406. - UM, SO THIS YOUR WIFE?
- NO! WHAT? NO!Copy !req
407. - WHAT KIND OF
RESPONSE IS THAT?
- THAT'S MY WIFE.Copy !req
408. OH, HEY,
I'LL SEE YOU INSIDE.Copy !req
409. - OKAY, SEE YOU INSIDE.
- ALL RIGHT, TAKE CARE.Copy !req
410. - SORRY? WHAT?
- REALLY! IT'S ALWAYS
A THING.Copy !req
411. - OH, STOP.
- "NO NO NO NO!"Copy !req
412. - Jeff: WHAT?
- WELL, YOU'VE GOT
YOUR AL CAPONE HAT ON.Copy !req
413. THIS HAPPENS TO BE
A VERY EXPENSIVE HAT,
MISTER.Copy !req
414. - IT'S RUDE.
- LET'S GO IN AND PRAY.Copy !req
415. LET'S GO IN AND PRAY.Copy !req
416. SORRY, SUSIE.Copy !req
417. "BE AMONG THOSE
WHO CHERISH TRUTH
ABOVE EASE.Copy !req
418. THEIR FRUIT WE EAT NOW;Copy !req
419. THEIR ESSENCE REMAINS FOR US
IN THE LIFE TO COME.Copy !req
420. HEY HEY.Copy !req
421. - HOW'D YOU GET THAT SANDWICH?
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?Copy !req
422. - THAT SANDWICH AT THE DELI!
- LEO GAVE IT TO ME.Copy !req
423. - THAT'S HOW I GOT IT.
- DID YOU BRIBE HIM?Copy !req
424. I BRIBED HIM.
THAT'S RICH.Copy !req
425. WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?Copy !req
426. - HOW MANY TIMES
A WEEK DO YOU GO?
- I DON'T KNOW. TWO?Copy !req
427. - I GO THERE
FIVE TIMES A WEEK.
- BIG DEAL.Copy !req
428. I EAT ANYTHING
OFF THE MENU.Copy !req
429. - I EAT A LOT OF STUFF TOO.
- I TAKE STUFF OUT.Copy !req
430. - I GET DELIVERIES.
- I GIVE IT TO CHARITY.Copy !req
431. - Man: SHH!
- BIG DEAL!Copy !req
432. WHAT WERE YOUTALKING TO
HIM ABOUT?Copy !req
433. NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
THE NEW YEAR.Copy !req
434. "LEO, I DIDN'T
GET A SANDWICH.
I WANT A SANDWICH."Copy !req
435. YOUR SANDWICH STINKS,
BY THE WAY. IT STINKS!Copy !req
436. YOU STINK.Copy !req
437. EXCUSE ME, SIR.
I'M GONNA NEED
TO SEE YOUR TICKET.Copy !req
438. - WHY?
- YOUR TICKET, SIR.Copy !req
439. IS THERE A PROBLEM?Copy !req
440. WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?Copy !req
441. THIS THE GUY?Copy !req
442. - Guard: OKAY, PAL.
- YOU LITTLE SNITCH.Copy !req
443. - YOU'RE GONNA HAVE
TO STEP OUT OF THERE.
- I HAVE A TICKET.Copy !req
444. - LET'S GO. DO YOU FEEL
LIKE MAKING A SCENE?
- NO.Copy !req
445. - SHH!
- OH, SHUSH YOU.Copy !req
446. - SHH!
- SHH!Copy !req
447. - SHH!
- SHUSH YOURSELF!Copy !req
448. ALL RIGHT, GREAT.
LITTLE TATTLETALE.Copy !req
449. YOU LITTLE SNITCH.
HE SPILLED THE COFFEE,
BY THE WAY,Copy !req
450. BECAUSE I COULDN'T
PUT MY FINGERS THROUGH
YOUR DAINTY CUP!Copy !req
451. YOU'RE SETTING A BAD EXAMPLE
FOR MY GENTILE WIFE.Copy !req
452. IT'S HER FIRST TIME
IN TEMPLE.Copy !req
453. - WHAT'S HAPPENING?
- THEY'RE KICKING US OUT.Copy !req
454. - ARE YOU GONNA WAIT?
- IT'S GONNA BE AN
HOUR AND A HALF.Copy !req
455. HOW ARE WE GONNA GET HOME?
WE CARPOOLED WITH YOU.Copy !req
456. YOU'LL GET A RIDE.
THERE'S PLENTY OF PEOPLE.Copy !req
457. - Guard: LET'S GO.
- GET A RIDE.Copy !req
458. FRIENDS, LET US
CONTINUE ON PAGE 133.Copy !req
459. - I SAW YOU ROLL
ABOUT SEVEN FEET PAST.
- YEAH.Copy !req
460. THE DOCTOR
DIVORCED HIS WIFECopy !req
461. AND IS SEEING
HIS SECRETARY.Copy !req
462. - Larry: JUST TOLD ME.
- UNBELIEVABLE.Copy !req
463. - THIS GUY.
- HEH.Copy !req
464. - DID YOU HEAR
FROM THE NANNY?
- NO.Copy !req
465. NO, NOT YET.Copy !req
466. - YOU MUST BE
ON PINS AND NEEDLES.
- YEAH.Copy !req
467. BUT I THINK IF SHE
GETS THE LETTER,Copy !req
468. SHE'S GONNA GET
IN TOUCH WITH ME.Copy !req
469. WE'LL SEE.Copy !req
470. - THAT'S WILD.
- ISN'T IT?Copy !req
471. YEAH YEAH YEAH.Copy !req
472. HE'S GOT THE YIPS.Copy !req
473. - Cheryl: THE WHAT?Copy !req
474. THE YIPS.Copy !req
475. - THE YIPS!
- I DON'T KNOW
WHAT THAT IS.Copy !req
476. - YOU NEVER HEARD
OF THE YIPS?
- NO.Copy !req
477. OKAY, IT'S IN GOLF.Copy !req
478. YOU LINE UP TO PUTT
AND YOUR HANDS SHAKE.Copy !req
479. HE WAS SHAKING
LIKE THIS.Copy !req
480. WELL, MAYBE IT'S JUST
A GOLF CONDITION.Copy !req
481. HE GETS NERVOUS
WHEN HE PUTTS.Copy !req
482. I CAN'T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
HE'S OPERATING ON MY FATHER.Copy !req
483. YOU NEED TO CALL HIM
AND TELL HIM NOT TO DO IT.Copy !req
484. THEY'RE GONNA HAVE
TO GET SOMEBODY ELSE.Copy !req
485. - I HATE DOING
STUFF LIKE THIS.
- YOU DON'T HAVE A CHOICE.Copy !req
486. I HATE THESE CALLS.Copy !req
487. PICK UP THE PHONE
AND CALL THE DOCTOR.Copy !req
488. MAYBE YOU COULD
CALL HIM.Copy !req
489. IF IT WAS MY FATHERCopy !req
490. I WOULD'VE ALREADY BEEN
ON THE PHONE.Copy !req
491. OKAY.Copy !req
492. YOU SHOULD GO OUT
OF THE ROOMCopy !req
493. 'CAUSE I CAN'T DO THIS
IN FRONT OF SOMEBODY,
HONEST TO GOD.Copy !req
494. COULD YOU LEAVE THE ROOM?
IT'S LIKE CALLING FOR A DATE.Copy !req
495. - I NEED PRIVACY.
- OY.Copy !req
496. I NEVER—
I NEVER SAID
YOU WERE ADOPTED.Copy !req
497. YEAH, THAT'S WHAT
YOU SAID.Copy !req
498. NO, I NEVER SAID THAT.Copy !req
499. I WOULDN'T SAY THAT
TO YOU, NO.Copy !req
500. IT'S NOT TRUE, NO.Copy !req
501. - YOU'RE NOT ADOPTED.
- IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN TELL ME.Copy !req
502. - I CAN TAKE IT.
ARE YOU SURE?
- YOU'RE NOT.Copy !req
503. LISTEN, THAT
LARRY DAVID SANDWICH,Copy !req
504. I DIDN'T FINISH IT.Copy !req
505. I REMEMBER SEEING
A HALF A SANDWICHCopy !req
506. STILL ON THAT TABLE.Copy !req
507. YOU WANT
THE OTHER HALF?Copy !req
508. YOU KNOW, I JUST RAN
INTO YOUR DOCTOR.Copy !req
509. I'M MEETING HIM
THERE FOR LUNCH.Copy !req
510. - WHAT A NIGHTMARE
THAT'S GONNA BE.
- WHAT?Copy !req
511. YOU SURE
I'M NOT ADOPTED?Copy !req
512. I NEVER SAID THAT.
NEVER.Copy !req
513. OKAY.Copy !req
514. WE'LL SEE WHAT
MRS. SEIDERMAN HAS TO SAY.Copy !req
515. AH! UM...Copy !req
516. I'D LIKE
A LARRY DAVID
TO GO, PLEASE.Copy !req
517. OH, WE DON'T HAVE
THAT SANDWICH ANYMORE.Copy !req
518. - WHAT?
- THEY CHANGED THE NAME.Copy !req
519. AND I SAY THAT IT HAPPENS
EVERY SINGLE TIME.Copy !req
520. I SWEAR TO GOD.
I WOULDN'T LIE TO YOU,
NOT TO YOU GUYS.Copy !req
521. LARRY, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?Copy !req
522. YOU STOLE MY SANDWICH?
IS THAT WHAT YOU DID?Copy !req
523. - WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT?Copy !req
524. - WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- YOU STOLE MY SANDWICH!Copy !req
525. - WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
- LOOK AT THE BOARD!Copy !req
526. YOU'RE BLAMING ME?Copy !req
527. I SAW YOU TALKING TO HIM
OUTSIDE THE TEMPLE.Copy !req
528. - YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND.
- YOU DON'T THINK I SAW YOU?Copy !req
529. I ALWAYS TALK
TO PEOPLE OUTSIDE.Copy !req
530. IT'S ROSH HASHANAH!
IT'S THE NEW YEAR!Copy !req
531. I TALK TO DELI OWNERS!
I TALK TO PAWNBROKERS!Copy !req
532. "LEO, CAN I PLEASE
HAVE A SANDWICH?"Copy !req
533. - OH, BULLSHIT!
- YOU WERE SO JEALOUS
THAT I HAD A SANDWICH,Copy !req
534. YOU JUST COULDN'T
TAKE IT, COULD YOU?Copy !req
535. YOU HAD TO GET
YOUR SANDWICH!Copy !req
536. I GOT INFORMATION
YOU MIGHT BE INTERESTED IN.Copy !req
537. I CAN'T WAIT.
WHAT IS IT?Copy !req
538. I'M ADOPTED.Copy !req
539. - BULLSHIT.
- BULLSHIT?Copy !req
540. BULLSHIT?
NO, IT'S NOT BULLSHIT.Copy !req
541. WHAT DO YOU MEAN
YOU'RE ADOPTED?Copy !req
542. I'M ADOPTED.Copy !req
543. - HOW DO YOU KNOW?
- MY FATHER TOLD ME.Copy !req
544. - YOU DON'T KNOW
WHO YOUR PARENTS ARE?
- THEY'RE NOT THOSE NUTS!Copy !req
545. I KNOW THAT, BUT I KNOW
WHO YOURS ARE.Copy !req
546. - FUCK.
- ENJOY YOUR WHITEFISH.
ENJOY.Copy !req
547. - LARRY.
- YEAH?Copy !req
548. LARRY, YOU ARE ADOPTED?Copy !req
549. - YEAH.
- I ADOPTED TOO!Copy !req
550. YOU ARE MY BROTHER!Copy !req
551. - WE ARE IN THE BROTHERHOOD
OF THE ADOPTED!Copy !req
552. LARRY,
COME ON OVER HERE.Copy !req
553. YOU KNOW WHAT
I'M GOING TO DO?Copy !req
554. I'M GOING TO LET YOU
HAVE ANY SANDWICH
YOU WANT.Copy !req
555. - REALLY?
- ANY ONE YOU WANT!
TAKE IT!Copy !req
556. - GO AHEAD, TAKE IT.
- OH, BOY.Copy !req
557. - TAKE IT.
- IT'S A TOUGH DECISION.Copy !req
558. OKAY OKAY, I WAIT.Copy !req
559. I THINK I'M GOING TO HAVE
TO GO WITH THAT TED DANSON.Copy !req
560. - TED DANSON?
THAT'S YOURS.
- YEAH.Copy !req
561. - Larry: THANK YOU!
- THAT SON OF A BITCH
DON'T COME IN ANYWAY!Copy !req
562. - YOU GOT IT!
- THANK YOU.Copy !req
563. - HEY, LARRY.
- DR. SEWELL.Copy !req
564. I WANT YOU
TO MEET A FRIEND OF MINE.
LEO, THIS IS DR. SEWELL.Copy !req
565. - LEO.
- HOW ARE YOU,
DR. SEWELL?Copy !req
566. I THINK I'LL GET THAT
LARRY DAVID TO GO.Copy !req
567. DO NOT EVEN THINK
ABOUT IT.Copy !req
568. I'M EXPECTING A PHONE CALL
FROM MRS. SEIDERMAN.Copy !req
569. - WHO?
- YOU KNOW, MY NANNY.Copy !req
570. DO NOT PICK UP
THAT PHONE.Copy !req
571. NOBODY'S PICKING UP.Copy !req
572. - I HAD AN ANSWERCopy !req
573. TO HIS QUESTION.Copy !req
574. IF ONLY HE HAD
PICKED UP.Copy !req
575. MRS. SEIDERMAN?Copy !req
576. MRS. SEIDERMAN.Copy !req
577. - MRS. SEIDERMAN!Copy !req
578. MRS. SEIDERMAN?Copy !req