Curb Your Enthusiasm 4x7

1. Captions made possible by HOME BOX OFFICE, INC.

2. ( tv ) Puffy shirt, puffy shirt.

3. Uh, can you spare a little change for an old buccaneer?

4. You know, it's really not a bad looking shirt.

5. GOOD SHOW. ALRIGHT, GOOD SHOW.

6. OH, JESUS.

7. DON'T ANSWER IT, I'M, I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO HER.

8. WELL, WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO CALL AFTER EVERY EPISODE?

9. OH, DON'T— I'M NOT HERE.

10. HELLO?

11. HI, MARILYN.

12. UH, YEAH, WE JUST WATCHED IT.

13. YEAH, I KNOW, IT'S... IT WAS ONE OF THE GOOD ONES.

14. UM, HE'S ACTUALLY, HE'S UNAVAILABLE.

15. MM-HMM.

16. UH, OKAY, BYE.

17. MY FAVORITE EPISODES.

18. LAUGH SO HARD.

19. OH, MY GOD. I SWEAR, IT GETS BETTER EVERY TIME I SEE IT.

20. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS WOMAN HAS TO CALL AFTER EVERY SINGLE SHOW.

21. EVERY, I MEAN, DOES IT EVER END WITH THIS LADY?

22. DOING TOMORROW?

23. I'M GETTING MY PHYSICAL FOR THE PRODUCERS.

24. CAN YOU DO ME A FAVOR?

25. PICK UP A, UM,

26. THE DOOSENBURY'S BABY SHOWER?

27. ME?

28. YOU'RE GONNA BE RIGHT THERE, THERE'S A TOY STORE RIGHT...

29. WITH SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

30. FOR A BABY?

31. JUST GET A, A DOLL OR SOMETHING.

32. A DOLL FOR BETTY?

33. FOR BETTY.

34. IT'S HER BABY SHOWER.

35. WELL, WHAT ABOUT THE SURROGATE?

36. GET HER ANYTHING?

37. I DON'T THINK YOU NEED TO WORRY ABOUT THE SURROGATE.

38. WELL, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.

39. IS A PERSON, TOO.

40. SHE'S HAVING THE BABY.

41. FOR BETTY.

42. SO SHE'S GONNA BE OPENING HER PRESENTS,

43. THE SURROGATE'S GONNA BE STANDING THERE LIKE AN IDIOT,

44. AND SHE HAS NOTHING TO OPEN?

45. THE WHOLE THING'S, WHAT'S THE SURROGATE ETIQUETTE?

46. OKAY, USE YOUR JUDGMENT, WHEVER YOU THINK.

47. IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT TO DO, THAT'S FINE.

48. HEY, CHARLIE, WHAT'S GOING ON THERE?

49. H, WHAT?

50. WHAT? HUH?

51. COME ON, YOU KNOW I CAN'T DO ANYTHING.

52. BIT YOUR PENIS?

53. YES.

54. AND SO YOU'RE...

55. IT'S NOT READY, I'M NOT READY.

56. I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY, A COUPLE MORE DAYS.

57. MR. DAVID?

58. AN OBSERVATION?

59. COLLECTION,

60. SOMETHING ABOUT THAT.

61. I'M NOT COMPLAINING, I'M JUST, JUST MAKING AN OBSERVATION.

62. WELL, THE DOCTOR'S READY TO SEE YOU.

63. OKAY.

64. JUST, YOU KNOW, JUST FOR YOUR INFORMATION.

65. F.Y.I. KIND OF THING.

66. IT'S RIGHT THAT WAY. OKAY.

67. WHAT ARE YOU DOING,

68. FROM GARBAGE CANS?

69. COLLECTION OF SHIT IN MY LIFE.

70. ALRIGHT, WE HAVE—

71. THEY'RE ALL FOUR YEARS OLD, THOSE THINGS.

72. THE MAGAZINES,

73. MEDICAL ASSISTANCE.

74. FROM, FROM 2001.

75. PEOPLE MAGAZINE.

76. TOM CRUISE IS 40.

77. EMILIO ESTEVEZ IS 40. JUST, JUST KEEP WALKING.

78. WOW! OKAY.

79. ALRIGHT, GOOD.

80. GOOD FOR THEM, THEY'RE 40!

81. YOU KNOW, IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE READING A LOT

82. YOU DON'T LIKE.

83. AT IT OUT THERE,

84. ON THE COVER...

85. YEAH, YOU GOT A LOT OF THAT STUFF MEMORIZED.

86. OR SOMETHING.

87. I GOT THE POINT, WE GOT IT, GOTCHA.

88. GET NATION, HOW ABOUT NATION?

89. NATION, THAT'S A...

90. YOU READ NATION? IT'S A FABULOUS MAGAZINE.

91. I HAVE READ NATION, THAT'S A GOOD ONE.

92. HEY, LARRY.

93. HI, RENEE.

94. HOW YOU FEELING?

95. GOOD. GOOD.

96. LARRY, HOW YOU FEELING?

97. OKAY.

98. UNFORTUNATELY, I CAN'T

99. AT THIS POINT.

100. YEAH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

101. THERE WAS A LITTLE, SLIGHT ABNORMALITY.

102. ALONG GREAT,

103. A LITTLE THERE.

104. AND I, I CAN'T, I CAN'T SIGN THE FORM FOR YOU.

105. BELIEVE ME, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME, I'M FINE.

106. JACK, I'M FINE, TRUST ME, I'M FINE.

107. LARRY, I CAN'T

108. PRECAUTIONS, OKAY?

109. AND HERE'S WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO.

110. IT'S SIMPLE, COME ON.

111. THERE'S NO IRREGULARITY.

112. YES, THERE IS, LARRY!

113. BELIEVE, I WENT TO MEDICAL SCHOOL, I KNOW.

114. SO WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO IS THIS, LISTEN, IT'S SIMPLE.

115. I'M GONNA GIVE YOU A DEVICE CALLED A HEART HALTER, OKAY?

116. THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

117. LARRY, I HAVE TO DO IT.

118. I HAVE TO DO IT.

119. IT STRAPS ON, A COUPLE OF ELECTRODES,

120. YOU WEAR IT FOR 24 HOURS, IT MEASURES YOUR HEARTBEAT,

121. AN ABNORMALITY, AN ABERRATION,

122. WILL CONFIRM IT.

123. FOR FIVE MINUTES,

124. AND YOU'RE OFF TO BROADWAY.

125. RENE?

126. DO YOU HAV THE HALTER?

127. YOU WANT TO, YOU WANT TO GIVE THAT TO LARRY?

128. LARRY, I'M GONNA SCHEDULE YOU FOR AN APPOINTMENT TOMORROW.

129. DON'T BE A BABY, LET RENEE DO THIS, WILL YOU PLEASE?

130. COME ON. WILL YOU STAND UP?

131. YOUR JACKET, LARRY?

132. GREAT.

133. IT'S REALLY EASY.

134. THERE WE GO.

135. THERE YOU GO.

136. THAT'S IT.

137. THERE.

138. SO, I GOT TO TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT.

139. YOU KNOW, I TOOK RENEE HOME, YOU KNOW.

140. AND, UH, WE STOPPED AND, UH...

141. YEAH, I JUST SAW HER AT DR. JACK'S.

142. HE'S UNBELIEVABLE.

143. YEAH, SHE'S BEYOND UNBELIEVABLE.

144. OF IT IS THAT I,

145. LOOK, HAVE YOU EVER MADE IT WITH AN AFRICAN-AMERICAN?

146. YES.

147. TWICE.

148. WHAT, THE SAME ONE TWICE?

149. TWO DIFFERENT ONES.

150. SAME TIME?

151. NO, SAME TIME, NEVER SAME TIME.

152. I'LL TELL YOU RIGHT NOW, I'LL TELL YOU RIGHT NOW,

153. I, I, I NEVER, I,

154. I NEVER DID IT WITH, WITH A BLACK...

155. HMM, SO YOU NEVER MET, YOU NEVER MET ONE, OR...

156. NO, NO ONE I REALLY, YOU KNOW...

157. OKAY, SO SHE'LL BE THE FIRST.

158. THIS WOMAN'S EXTRAORDINARY.

159. SO, HERE'S THE THING,

160. I WENT TO A KNICK GAME.

161. MY FRIENDS, YOU KNOW.

162. AND I LOOKED,

163. I SAW ONE OF THE FORWARDS.

164. AND HE JUST THREW THE TOWEL OFF, HE WAS GETTING DRESSED,

165. AND I LOOKED DOWN, I SAW...

166. BIG? BIG, YEA.

167. BIG? UH,

168. FIRE OUT WITH THIS.

169. IT WAS... IT WAS A JOKE.

170. WELL...

171. FROM ANOTHER PLANET.

172. WELL, HE'S A BIG GUY, HE'S A FORWARD.

173. YOU NEED TO SEE A GUARD, DID YOU SEE A GUARD?

174. YOU CAN'T TELL BY A FORWARD, THEY'RE TOO BIG,

175. HE'S OUT OF PROPORTION.

176. I DON'T CARE, IT'S ME AND RENEE.

177. AND I, AND MAYBE BECAUSE, MAYBE BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,

178. SHE'S BLACK, SHE MAYBE DATES, YOU KNOW...

179. MIGHT BE USED TO A...

180. WELL, I MEAN, IF THEY'RE USED, I MEAN, IF THAT...

181. NOT A MYTH OR, I MEAN, IF IT IS...

182. I COULD SEE HOW, LIKE, YEAH, IT COULD BE A CONCERN.

183. I DON'T KNOW WHETHER I WOULD

184. WITH HER, BECAUSE I'M A LITTLE INTIMIDATED.

185. AND YOU'RE ONE OF THE FEW FRIENDS I CAN TELL THIS TO.

186. OKAY, WELL, THEN MAYBE I CAN, I CAN STEP IN.

187. I GOT THAT 10th ANNIVERSARY PRESENT.

188. I'M SAYING IF YOU WANT TO, YOU KNOW,

189. IF YOU'RE TOO INTIMIDATED TO GO THROUGH WITH IT, I COULD TRY.

190. DOESN'T DO THAT.

191. YOU DON'T, YOU DON'T— YOU DON'T HAVE INTERCOURSE

192. YOUR FRIEND DOESN'T SCREW.

193. WHY, IT WOULD BE A NICE 10th ANNIVERSARY PRESENT FOR ME?

194. I'D RATHER GO TO TIFFANY'S AND GET YOU A BOWL.

195. I DON'T WANT A BOWL.

196. ALRIGHT.

197. HERE YOU GO.

198. YEAH, I'M NOT THE VALET.

199. OH, I'M, I'M— YEAH.

200. TO HAVE OTHER JOBS.

201. NO, UH, NO, I KNOW, OF COURSE.

202. YEAH, YEAH, I ALREADY KNOW, MAN, OKAY.

203. NO, BECAUSE...

204. IT'S BECAUSE I'M BLACK.

205. I'M SORRY. YEAH.

206. YOU FUCKED UP.

207. SORRY.

208. SORRY.

209. SO, YOU AUTOMATICALLY THINK THE BLACK MAN IS THE VALET, HUH?

210. NO, I DON'T

211. YES, YOU DID, I SAW IT.

212. NO, HE'S STANDING BY THE VALET...

213. "GET MY CAR, BOY."

214. I SAW IT, LARRY.

215. HE HAD ON A WHITE SHIRT, AND A RED TIE AND A VEST.

216. HE'S STANDING BY THE VALET SIGN, IT'S AN HONEST MISTAKE, C'MON.

217. OH YEAH, YEAH, ANYTIME I SEE A BLACK MAN IN A TIE AND A SUIT,

218. I THINK "HEY, YOU MUST PARK CARS FOR A LIVING."

219. HONEST MISTAKE, WANDA.

220. NO, NO, IF IT WAS A WHITE MAN STANDING HERE, YOU WOULD NOT.

221. THE VALET, I, I WOULD TOO.

222. I WOULD, TOO HAVE. NO, YOU WOULDN'T.

223. TOO, TOO. NO, YOU WOULDN'T.

224. NO, YOU WOULD HAVE ASKED HIM...

225. TOO, TOO... NOT.

226. FOR A STOCK TIP, OR,

227. OH, YEAH, RIGHT. SO, WHERE YOU GOLF?

228. HOW'S THE FILMING GOING?

229. IT'S GOOD.

230. I'M SHOOTING OVER THERE.

231. ON MY LITTLE BREAK.

232. LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.

233. YOU'VE SLEPT WITH AND BLACK MEN, I'M SURE.

234. DISCERNIBLE DIFFERENCE?

235. WHAT?

236. LET ME REPHRASE THAT.

237. LET ME REPHRASE THAT.

238. YEAH, REPHRASE THAT.

239. UM, IS THERE ANY

240. AND A BLACK MAN...

241. YOU KNOW...

242. SOMETHING LIKE THAT, LARRY?

243. WANTS TO KNOW.

244. WHY, WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

245. ANSWER THAT.

246. THAT, WHAT IS THAT?

247. WHAT THE FUCK, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

248. IT'S A BUG, A BUG.

249. I HAD A BUG ON ME.

250. WELL LOOK, DID YOU GET MY SCRIPT TO THAT GUY,

251. THAT MARTIN SCHAFFER?

252. OH, OH YEAH, EVERYTHING'S OKAY, SINCE I OWE YOU A LITTLE FAVOR.

253. YES, HE DID. DID HE GET MY SCRIPT?

254. AND WHAT? AND?

255. I GAVE IT TO HIM, AND HE'LL READ IT AND GET BACK TO YOU.

256. HE'S NOT GONNA REWRITE IT, IS HE?

257. NO.

258. OKAY, 'CAUSE THAT'S MY BABY.

259. OH, YEAH, YEAH.

260. I DON'T WANT ANYBODY MESSING WITH MY BABY.

261. YEAH, NO ONE'S GOING TO MESS WITH YOUR BABY,

262. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

263. I'M GOING BACK TO WORK.

264. YEAH, GO BACK TO WORK, YEAH.

265. MESSING WITH YOU. YEAH.

266. HERE TO, IS THERE A VALET?

267. TO GET MY CAR.

268. MY VALET TICKET?

269. EXCUSE ME?

270. YEAH, HI.

271. SURE. YOU WORK HERE?

272. THE ONLY DOLL?

273. YEAH, THAT'S THE ONLY ONE LEFT.

274. THAT'S IT? YEAH, LAST ONE.

275. HUH. ISN'T THAT CUTE?

276. WHAT'S THE RACE ON THIS DOLL?

277. UH, IT'S BI-RACIAL.

278. BI-RACIAL? YEAH.

279. REALLY? YEAH, ABSOLUTELY.

280. HUH.

281. SO, THEY MAKE THIS DOLL SPECIFICALLY FOR MIXED COUPLES?

282. AND WHITE COUPLES?

283. FOR THEIR KIDS?

284. I DON'T KNOW.

285. IF SOMEBODY'S ASIAN, AND THEY MARRY A WHITE PERSON,

286. ASIAN, HALF WHITE DOLL, TOO?

287. I'M GETTING AT?

288. YEAH.

289. I THINK THAT'S, YEAH.

290. HMM, I WONDER IF YOU DO.

291. OKAY.

292. UM, WELL I GUESS I'LL TAKE IT.

293. EXCELLENT, LET ME WRAP IT UP FOR YOU.

294. OKAY.

295. OH, SURPRISE, IT SAYS MEOW.

296. ISN'T THAT ADORABLE?

297. OH, I LOVE IT, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

298. THAT'S SO SWEET.

299. Thank you, you made it.

300. WHAT, WHAT IS THIS?

301. OH, THAT'S FOR MY HEART, IT'S TO MONITOR MY HEART.

302. WHAT?

303. NO, NO, I'M FINE, THERE WAS AN ABERRATION IN...

304. MY GOD, THAT'S HEAVY...

305. NO, I'VE GOT WIRES UNDER THERE.

306. ARE YOU OKAY? NO, I'M FINE.

307. THAT MEAN?

308. NOTHING, IT'S JUST,

309. WITH THE MACHINE, THE DOCTOR WOULDN'T SIGN OFF.

310. IT'S NOTHING, IT'S JUST...

311. HAVE TO WEAR THIS?

312. JUST A DAY.

313. DOESN'T BERNIE DOOSENBURY LOOK LIKE STEVE DEMARCO?

314. NO.

315. ARE YOU KIDDING, HE LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE HIM.

316. YES. STEVE DEMARCO?

317. THEY DON'T LOOK ANYTHING ALIKE.

318. ELSE, YOU ALWAYS DISAGREE.

319. NEVER DO.

320. THEY ALWAYS DO. THEY NEVER DO.

321. IS THAT, HEY, OH, SHE'S OPENING OUR GIFT.

322. OH, GOOD.

323. FROM THE DAVIDS.

324. OH, A DOLL.

325. IT'S A MULATTO.

326. NO GOOD?

327. WE CALL IT, USUALLY.

328. BI-RACIAL.

329. HMM, WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?

330. OH LOOK, THEY GAVE US ANOTHER ONE, TOO.

331. THAT'S ACTUALLY, UM, FOR THE SURROGATE.

332. OH.

333. WELL, THAT'S IT, GANG.

334. UM, WHY DON'T WE HAVE SOME COFFEE OR SOME DESERT,

335. 'CAUSE THAT'S IT.

336. THAT'S ALL THE GIFTS.

337. THANK YOU GUYS FOR COMING, THANKS FOR THE GIFTS.

338. WHAT?

339. HE.

340. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

341. YOU'RE WELCOME.

342. I DIDN'T EXPECT IT.

343. YOU'RE THE ONE CARRYING THE BABY, THAT'S YOUR BABY.

344. I WOULDN'T EXPECT THEM TO, BUT THANK YOU.

345. IT'S VERY UNNECESSARY.

346. YEAH.

347. WHAT DO YOU DO?

348. I'M A WRITER.

349. OH, THAT'S COOL.

350. SOUNDS GOOD.

351. YEAH.YE.

352. SOMETIMES THOUGH, IT'S NOT SUCH A GREAT JOB.

353. YOU KNOW, LIKE FOR EXAMPLE I GOT THIS FRIEND.

354. TO ME TO GIVE TO SOMEBODY.

355. SHE SAID, "DON'T LET HIM TOUCH MY BABY", YOU KNOW.

356. THAT'S WHAT THEY DO.

357. FOR MONTHS AND MONTHS,

358. THEN THEY TAKE IT AWAY FROM YOU, AND THEN THAT'S IT.

359. IT AGAIN.

360. YOUR BABY FROM YOU,

361. TO SOMEBODY ELSE, AND THAT'S IT.

362. YOU'VE LOST COMPLETE CONTACT WITH YOUR BABY.

363. YOU NEVER SEE THE BABY AGAIN, AND IT'S YOUR BABY.

364. TO ANOTHER WRITER.

365. AND THAT WRITER DOESN'T LET YOU EVEN LOOK AT YOUR BABY.

366. BUT THAT'S PART OF YOUR JOB, THAT'S WHAT YOU SIGNED UP FOR.

367. I MEAN, YOU KNEW YOU HAD TO GIVE IT AWAY.

368. SORT OF, BUT IT'S HARD TO GIVE UP THAT BABY.

369. YOU CAN SEE HOW YOUR SCRIPT'S DOING OR SOMETHING.

370. YEAH, I KNOW, BUT THEN IT'S ALL CHANGED.

371. TO DO WITH IT.

372. ALRIGHT.

373. SOME COFFEE?

374. NO WAY OUT.

375. IT WAS SHOCKING, OUTRAGEOUS, INSULTING

376. EVERY MINUTE OF IT.

377. NO WAY OUT.

378. HEY!

379. HOW ARE YOU? HOW ARE YOU?

380. HEY.

381. IMPRESSED.

382. WELL, OH, COME ON.

383. YES, SURPRISINGLY GOOD.

384. STILL ON THE BOOK, UH, HAVE YOU,

385. YOU DON'T HAVE IT UNDER YOUR BELT YET?

386. MENTION THAT.

387. WHY IS, IS, I MEAN...

388. WE OPEN, DUDE, WE OPEN IN THREE AND A HALF WEEKS.

389. YEAH, I KNOW.

390. I MEAN, EVERY TIME YOU WORK, HE ALWAYS HAS THE SCRIPT, ALWAYS?

391. YES, EVERY TIME.

392. YOU KNOW... ALWAYS?

393. I'LL BE FINE.

394. YOU KNOW, I HAVE A LITTLE PROBLEM MEMORIZING STUFF.

395. I'LL BE ALRIGHT.

396. YOUR TEST RESULTS BACK,

397. THE INSURANCE COMPANY'S BEEN BUGGING ME.

398. YES, YES, YEAH, YEAH, I GOT MINE?

399. HERE, HERE, HERE.

400. CLEAN BILL OF HEALTH, FLYING COLORS I MIGHT ADD.

401. OH, RESULTS, I'M PROUD OF YOU.

402. AND YOUR, WHERE'S YOUR LITTLE, UH, PAPER?

403. UH, I HAD A LITTLE BIT OF, UM... PROBLEM.

404. IS THAT?

405. WHAT IS THAT?

406. YEAH, I DIDN'T...

407. WHAT IS THAT?

408. IT'S, UH, CALLED A HEART HALTER.

409. HEART HALTER?

410. I'M FINE, I'M FINE.

411. UH, I JUST DIDN'T PASS THE PHYSICAL, THAT'S ALL, BUT...

412. WHAT? I DIDN'T PASS THE...

413. TALKING ABOUT?

414. THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME.

415. I MEAN, ARE YOU TOO OLD FOR THIS?

416. IS THAT WHAT HE SAID?

417. NO, NO, NO, I'M NOT TOO OLD FOR IT, BELIEVE ME.

418. IT WAS A FLUKE.

419. I'M FINE, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME.

420. SERIOUSLY, SERIOUSLY AFTER THREE, LIKE,

421. HE'S WINDED.

422. HEY, YOU WANT TO RACE ME?

423. YOU WANT TO GO OUT, YOU WANT TO GO TO THE PARKING LOT?

424. I'LL GO RIGHT NOW. REALLY?

425. HEY, FELLAS...

426. PUT YOUR SNEAKERS ON.

427. I DON'T NEED, I DON'T EVEN SNEAKERS, I'LL GO...

428. LET'S STOP, LET'S STOP BEING JUVENILE, YOU CAN'T...

429. I'M NOT BEING...

430. LET'S NOT RACE HIM, NOW LOOK, FOLKS...

431. UH, EXCUSE ME, I'M SORRY.

432. HEY, DAD, HEY.

433. YOU DON'T THINK I COULD BEAT HIM IN A RACE?

434. I DON'T THINK YOU CAN BEAT HIM IN A RACE.

435. OH, CAN I TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED?

436. I'M ON THE TREADMILL TAKING THE STRESS TEST, OKAY...

437. FROM SPAIN.

438. OH, FROM SPAIN.

439. YEAH, I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT LIKE THAT.

440. OH, THAT'S EXCELLENT, WHOA...

441. IF SHE COMES IN THAT ROOM AGAIN, TOMORROW WHEN I TAKE THE TEST,

442. I'LL BE LOOKING AT THE CEILING, I CAN TELL YOU THAT.

443. OKAY, THAT'S GREAT.

444. ALRIGHT, I THINK YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE, I MEAN...

445. THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME, I'M FINE.

446. OKAY, GOOD. COMPLETELY FINE.

447. SPIT ON YOU?

448. NO, NO, NO.

449. OKAY, 'CAUSE YOU WENT LIKE THAT.

450. NO, NO, I JUST, I ALWAYS DO THAT.

451. WHEN I SWEAT I... I NOTICED THAT,

452. 'CAUSE YOU'RE ALWAYS RUBBING YOUR FACE I NOTICED.

453. McGLAGLIN AND ADOLF MONDIEU,

454. GYPO, GYPO NOLAN, YOU REMEMBER FROM THE INFORMER?

455. GYPO, GYPO NOLAN, I DO, I LOVE...

456. GYPO NOLAN.

457. EXCUSE ME, I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY, MR. BROOKS,

458. TO MY DAD?

459. MY DAD'S A HUGE FAN, THIS IS IRVING.

460. OH, IT'S AN ABSOLUTE PRIVILEGE TO MEET YOU.

461. IRVING SCHWIMMER, PLEASURE TO MEET YOU.

462. YES, PLEASURE MEETING YOU.

463. I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO SEEING YOUR SHOW.

464. I'VE BEEN A FAN OF YOURS FOR YEARS.

465. FOREVER.

466. WELL, I REALLY APPRECIATE THAT.

467. FOR JUST ONE MINUTE?

468. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

469. ISN'T THAT AWESOME?

470. GOT TO MEET HIM.

471. YES, I FINALLY DID.

472. THOSE PICTURES, HUH?

473. YEAH, UM... GOOD, GOOD, AND...

474. DAD, THIS IS LARRY.

475. HI, HOW YOU DOING?

476. NICE TO MEET YOU.

477. RIGHT. SO THESE ARE GREAT.

478. WENT TO SPAIN.

479. OH!

480. WELL, I'D BETTER BE TAKING OFF, OKAY?

481. ARE THOSE GENITALS?

482. ON THAT BULL?

483. NO, THAT'S...

484. OH MY GOD.

485. ALRIGHT, DAD.

486. CASHEW RAISIN THING, RIGHT?

487. YOU KNOW, WE'RE TALKING, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO GO BACK

488. AND TELL HIM, LARRY...

489. WHAT, ARE YOU KIDDING?

490. I KNOW YOU SAID SOMETHING, HE WAS SO UNFRIENDLY.

491. WELL, OF COURSE I SAID SOMETHING.

492. IT WAS YOUR SUGGESTION, MR. CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM.

493. HEY, HE'S PUTTING FOUR CASHEWS IN A BAG.

494. CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM.

495. GO ON ABOUT IT.

496. I WANT TO CALL HIM, SERIOUSLY.

497. I DON'T THINK SO.

498. I'D JUST LIKE TO CALL HIM AND APOLOGIZE.

499. I DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH YOU CALLING MY DAD.

500. DAVID, I'M GOING TO APOLOGIZE,

501. I'M GONNA BE VERY NICE, BELIEVE ME.

502. I PROMISE.

503. OKAY. OKAY?

504. BEFORE SEVEN.

505. ALRIGHT, WHAT'S HIS NUMBER?

506. 310-858...

507. This is Irving Schwimmer, please leave a message at the tone.

508. OH, HI, MR. SCHWIMMER.

509. UH, THIS IS LARRY DAVID, I JUST WANT TO SAY,

510. YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!

511. WHAT'S YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM, YOU PRICK?

512. JESUS!

513. IS WRONG WITH YOU?

514. YOU'RE TALKING TO?

515. DOING HERE?

516. INTO MY CAR.

517. I HIT YOUR CAR?

518. OW I'M GONNA FUCKING HIT YOU RIGHT IN THE FUCKING HEAD.

519. AH, OH! HEY.

520. OH MY HEART, OH, OH...

521. WHAT ARE YOU DOING, WHAT IS THIS?

522. IS IT YOUR HEART?

523. ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, JUST CALM DOWN.

524. DON'T TAKE THEM OFF.

525. LEAVE THEM ON, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TOOK THEM OFF.

526. ALRIGHT, UH, OH, CHRIST.

527. I DON'T KNOW C.P.R.

528. HEY, HEY, SOMEBODY CALL AN AMBULANCE.

529. CALL AN AMBULANCE, CALL 911!

530. SEND 'EM TO THE PARK, COME ON.

531. OH!

532. HANG, HANG IN THERE, CAN YOU BREATHE?

533. CAN YOU, KEEP, KEEP, KEEP BREATHING, ALRIGHT.

534. WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T STOP BREATHING.

535. JUST KEEP DOING THAT.

536. YOU GOT A PHONE?

537. SERIOUSLY, THE GUY WAS...

538. WITH A TIRE IRON.

539. THE WHOLE THING.

540. WHAT I'M SAYING?

541. THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

542. THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME.

543. SO UNNECESSARY.

544. SERIOUSLY.

545. I'VE DATED BOTH BLACK MEN,

546. ISN'T A DIFFERENCE.

547. IT'S, IT'S REALLY JUST KIND OF A MYTH.

548. THAT'S A MYTH?

549. BOY, TOO BAD FOR THE BLACK GUYS.

550. I KNOW, I KNOW.

551. YOU KNOW, I SPEAK FROM BOTH SIDES,

552. 'CAUSE I'M HALF BLACK AND HALF WHITE, I...

553. YEAH. GET OUT OF TOWN.

554. A MULATTO DOLL TODAY.

555. OKAY, UM, WE DON'T REALLY USE MULATTO ANYMORE AS A...

556. I WAS WONDERING ABOUT THAT, IF THAT WAS A BAD ONE.

557. YEAH, IT'S A BIT OUTDATED.

558. OKAY.

559. FUCKING EACH OTHER,

560. THEN WE'RE GONNA BE THE SAME RACE SOONER OR LATER, ANYWAYS.

561. I DO. LET'S PRAY FOR THAT.

562. HELLO. ARE YOU OKAY?

563. HI. HEY, THIS IS MASASA.

564. HI, I'M CHERYL, NICE TO MEET YOU.

565. DO YOU THINK, DO YOU THINK THAT, UH,

566. WOULD NEED SUN BLOCK?

567. I DON'T, UH... WOULD YOU THINK THAT?

568. THOUGHT ABOUT IT.

569. I GUESS YOU HAD TO BE THERE, WE WERE HAVING A CONVERSATION.

570. ARE YOU ALRIGHT?

571. OKAY, MRS. DAVID, IT WAS LOVELY MEETING YOU.

572. AND, AND YOUR...

573. THANK YOU.

574. OH MY GOD, WHAT HAPPENED?

575. OH, I'M... I'M PERFECTLY FINE.

576. ARE YOU?

577. ABSOLUTELY, PERFECTLY FINE.

578. IT WAS A ROAD RAGE INCIDENT,

579. WITH A TIRE IRON, HE WAS GONNA KILL ME.

580. SO, YOU KNOW,

581. HAVING A HEART ATTACK.

582. THE WIRES OUT AND...

583. YOU DID WHAT?

584. SO HE WOULDN'T KILL ME.

585. SO THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU?

586. NO, I'M FINE.

587. THEN WHY AM I HERE?

588. WHY ARE YOU RIGHT NOW?

589. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

590. BECAUSE OF THE HEART ATTACK.

591. SO YOU'RE TAKING UP

592. BECAUSE YOU'RE AFRAID OF SOME WEIRD GUY IN TRAFFIC?

593. HE HAD A TIRE IRON, HE WAS GONNA KILL ME.

594. YOU'RE IN THE HOSPITAL, IF YOU'RE CALLING ME

595. WRONG WITH YOU.

596. OH, SO YOU'D RATHER COME IN HERE AND SEE ME WITH BROKEN LIMBS?

597. WELL, I'D RATHER

598. IT UP WITH THE NURSE.

599. I'M NOT ALLOWED TO TALK TO A NURSE?

600. WELL, YOU'RE HAVING A GOOD TIME IN THE HOSPITAL.

601. I DON'T UNDERSTAND, YOU JUST WANTED SOMEONE TO KILL ME?

602. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANTED, YOU WOULD PREFER THAT?

603. BY THE WAY, WHAT DID YOU SAY TO THE SURROGATE?

604. SHE'S GONE INTO LABOR, SHE'S HERE AT THE HOSPITAL,

605. AND SHE'S NOT GONNA GIVE THE BABY UP.

606. TELL HER?

607. A TALK WITH YOU.

608. I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.

609. WELL, YOU MUST HAVE

610. 'CAUSE HE WANTS TO KICK YOUR ASS.

611. THAT'S A QUOTE? THAT'S A QUOTE.

612. THOSE BASTARDS.

613. I'VE BEEN HERE,

614. AND I STILL CAN'T GET THIS COLOSTOMY BAG TO FIT.

615. IT DOESN'T FIT.

616. WON'T PAY FOR IT.

617. IT'S FULL ALL THE TIME.

618. I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY THEY JUST DON'T TAKE CARE OF IT.

619. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

620. YOU CAN'T KEEP THAT BABY.

621. ABOUT A SCRIPT.

622. PANDA BACK!

623. SO, YOU KNOW, I SPOKE TO THIS, UH, THIS NURSE.

624. SHE'S BI-RACIAL.

625. BI, WHAT DO YOU MEAN BI-RACIAL?

626. SHE'S HALF BLACK, HALF WHITE, MULATTO.

627. BISEXUAL...

628. MULATTO, THEY SAY, THEY DON'T SAY MULATTO ANYMORE.

629. SHE GOT MAD AT ME.

630. BUT ANYWAY, SHE SAID SHE'S BEEN WITH BLACK MEN AND WHITE MEN,

631. AND SHE SAID THERE'S NO DIFFERENCE, SO.

632. YEAH. REALLY?

633. THAT'S FANTASTIC. UH-HUH.

634. LOOK AT THAT. YEAH.

635. LOOK AT THAT.

636. IS THAT?

637. ISN'T THAT GOOD NEWS?

638. WOW, WELL I'M REALLY, THIS IS GREAT NEWS, BY THE WAY.

639. I'M GONNA SEE RENEE, TOO, THIS AFTERNOON.

640. OH, REALLY? AGAIN, YEAH.

641. WOW, COOL.

642. OH, DID I TELL YOU THAT BERNIE DOOSENBURY'S

643. GONNA KICK MY ASS, DID I MENTION THAT?

644. THAT BIG GUY?

645. YEAH, THE BIG GUY.

646. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.

647. HOL.

648. YES. MUGGSY BOGUES?

649. ALRIGHT, HEY, HOW YOU DOING?

650. I'M NOT GONNA SHAKE YOUR HAND, I'M IN A BATHROOM.

651. I APPRECIATE THAT.

652. ETIQUETTE, ALRIGHT?

653. I HAVEN'T TOUCHED ANYTHING YET, I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW.

654. OKAY, I APPRECIATE IT.

655. I'M A HUGE FAN, MAN, HUGE FAN.

656. THANK YOU.

657. GUARDS OF ALL TIME.

658. ABSOLUTELY, WE REALLY ENJOYED WATCHING YOU PLAY.

659. THANK YOU, THANKS A LOT, GUYS.

660. NICE TO MEET YOU, MAN.

661. SAME HERE. PLEASURE TO MEET YOU.

662. GO AHEAD, DO YOUR THING.

663. OKAY, ALRIGHT, YEAH.

664. WHAT THE FUCK?

665. AT MY DICK?

666. YOU LOOKING AT ME? NO, I WASN'T LOOKING.

667. CRAZY? OH, OH, OH, OH.

668. YOU OKAY?

669. ARE YOU ALRIGHT?

670. THINK I'M GONNA STEAL YOUR CAR?

671. NO, NO, IT'S JUST, I FORGOT TO,

672. PUT THE ALARM ON.

673. IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S NO RACE THING.

674. NO, NO RACE THING.

675. ASSHOLE.

676. NO, I DON'T EVEN NEED THE ALARM ON.

677. LOOK, HERE I'LL TURN IT,

678. IT'S OFF, I TURNED THE ALARM OFF, LOOK.

679. DID IT AGAIN, HUH?

680. SO WHAT, THE BLACK MAN IN A SUIT PARKS CARS,

681. BLACK MAN, NO SUIT, HE GONNA STEAL YOUR CAR.

682. WHAT IS IT?

683. I CAN'T DO ANYTHING IN THIS CITY WITHOUT YOU WATCHING ME,

684. FOLLOWING ME?

685. I TOLD YOU I'M SHOOTING HERE ALL WEEK.

686. WHEN I TURNED AROUND TO,

687. TO PUT THE ALARM ON, THAT'S NOT MY FAULT.

688. YOU SAW THE BLACK MAN, YOU WAS LIKE, "LET ME LOCK MY CAR."

689. YOU PUT THE ALARM ON.

690. THE BLACK MAN MADE YOU GO, "LET ME LOCK THE CAR."

691. NO, I JUST HAD, I JUST HADN'T DONE IT YET, THAT'S ALL.

692. WOULD WANT THAT PIECE OF SHIT?

693. PIECE OF SHIT, HOW DARE YOU?

694. YEAH, THAT'S A LITTLE TOY CAR,

695. DON'T WANT A TOY CAR.

696. WITH SOME GET UP AND GO.

697. I DIDN'T THINK THE BLACK MAN WANTED THE CAR.

698. SO LOOK, DID, UM... YOU HEAR BACK FROM MARTIN,

699. ABOUT MY SCRIPT?

700. YEAH.

701. AND?

702. SORRY TO SAY, DIDN'T LIKE IT.

703. IT HAPPENS.

704. WELL, DID YOU TELL HIM I WAS BLACK?

705. NO.

706. WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL HIM I WAS BLACK?

707. OH, I DON'T KNOW, WHY SHOULD I?

708. IT MAKES A BIG, LARRY, YOU DON'T KNOW WHEN TO PLAY THE CARD.

709. I MEAN, YOU KNOW, WHITE GUYS, THEY LOVE THAT SHIT.

710. YOU KNOW, "OH, LOOK AT ME, I'M LIBERAL.

711. BLACK PERSON."

712. KNOW BETTER.

713. THAT'S WHEN YOU TELL SOMEBODY THEY'RE BLACK.

714. ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, I'LL TELL HIM YOU'RE BLACK, OKAY?

715. FINE.

716. TELL HIM I'M, LIKE, A BROWN-SKINNED BLACK.

717. NOT LIGHT SKINNED.

718. I'M, LIKE, REAL BLACK.

719. I HOPE I DON'T SEE YOU FOR A WHILE.

720. GETTING SICK OF YOU.

721. IN THE HOSPITAL.

722. MR. DAVID.

723. CAN I SAY THAT, UH, THIS IS FANTASTIC, THE MAGAZINES.

724. WHAT AN IMPROVEMENT, UNBELIEVABLE.

725. YOU SOMETHING,

726. IT'S ONE OF

727. IN MY LIFE ANYONE'S EVER TAKEN MY ADVICE.

728. IT'S A PLEASURE.

729. WELL, THE DOCTOR'S WAITING TO SEE YOU.

730. OKAY.

731. I SAY TO YOU NOW?

732. TO ME, LARRY?

733. KEEP ME WAITING.

734. SOMETHING?

735. TELL ME EVERYTHING.

736. EXPERIENCE I'VE EVER HAD.

737. GLAD YOU'RE HAPPY.

738. I'M VERY HAPPY.

739. GOOD FOR YOU, I'M SEEING RIGHT HERE THAT YOU'RE HAPPY.

740. NICE JOB, AND DID YOU NOTICE I GOT GOLF?

741. I SAW THE GOLF, I PICKED UP A NICE TIP.

742. I GOT YOUR GOLF.

743. HEY, LARRY.

744. HEY.

745. OH, BERNIE DOOSENBURY CALLED.

746. HIS APPOINTMENT,

747. HE'LL BE HERE IN 10 MINUTES.

748. OH, VERY GOOD, THANKS.

749. BYE, LARRY...

750. And the dispenser was destroyed virtually beyond recognition.

751. Poor kid.

752. So as he's telling the story, he starts crying...

753. OH, DID I TELL YOU THAT THE, UH, SURROGATE CHANGED HER MIND.

754. SHE'S GONNA GIVE THE BABY TO THE DOOSENBURY'S AFTER ALL.

755. YEAH. REALLY?

756. HEY, THAT'S GREAT. YEAH.

757. OH, YOU KNOW WHAT? HUH?

758. GOOD NEWS, TOO.

759. YOU DO?

760. PENIS IS HEALED.

761. OH.

762. OF THIS HEART HALTER,

763. I'M BACK IN BUSINESS, BABY.

764. I can't do those things.

765. IT'S MARILYN. MARILYN.

766. DON'T PICK IT UP. YEAH, YEAH.

767. I'M NOT TALKING TO HER TONIGHT.

768. GOODNIGHT.

769. Hi, please leave your name and number

770. and someone will get back to you, thank you.

771. This is Irv Schwimmer.

772. You motherfucking cocksucking sonofabitch bastard.

773. Who the fuck do you think you are?

774. You bald sonofa—

776. Captioned by