1. Puffy shirt, puffy shirt.Copy !req
2. Can you spare a little change
for an old buccaneer?Copy !req
3. You know, it's really
not a bad-looking shirt.Copy !req
4. - All right, good show.
- Good show.Copy !req
5. - Oh, Jesus.
- Oh my God.Copy !req
6. Don't answer it.
I don't want to talk to her.Copy !req
7. Well, why does she have
to call after every episode?Copy !req
8. Oh, don't...
I'm not here.Copy !req
9. Hello?Copy !req
10. Hi, Marilyn.Copy !req
11. Uh, yeah, we just watched it.Copy !req
12. Yeah, I know, it's...
it was one of the good ones.Copy !req
13. Um, he's actually...
he's unavailable.Copy !req
14. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
15. Uh, okay, bye.Copy !req
16. "Tell him it was one
of my favorite episodes.Copy !req
17. It made me laugh so hard.Copy !req
18. I swear, it gets better
every time I see it."Copy !req
19. I can't believe this woman
has to call after every single show.Copy !req
20. Every... I mean, does it
ever end with this lady?Copy !req
21. What are you doing tomorrow?Copy !req
22. I'm getting my physical
for "The Producers."Copy !req
23. Can you do me a favor?Copy !req
24. Will you pick up a...Copy !req
25. a present for the Dusenberrys'
baby shower?Copy !req
26. - Me?
- You're gonna be right there.Copy !req
27. - There's a toy store...
- You would entrust me that?Copy !req
28. A gift for a baby?Copy !req
29. Just get a doll or something.Copy !req
30. So you want me to get
a doll for Betty?Copy !req
31. Get a doll for Betty.
It's her baby shower.Copy !req
32. Well, what about the surrogate?
Get her anything?Copy !req
33. I don't think you need
to worry about the surrogate.Copy !req
34. Well, I don't know about that.Copy !req
35. I think the surrogate
is a person, too.Copy !req
36. She's having the baby.Copy !req
37. The shower is for Betty.Copy !req
38. She's gonna be
opening her presents.Copy !req
39. The surrogate's standing there
like an idiot and has nothing to open?Copy !req
40. What's the surrogate etiquette?Copy !req
41. Okay, use your judgment,
whatever you think.Copy !req
42. If that's what you
want to do, that's fine.Copy !req
43. Hey, Charlie,
what's going on there?Copy !req
44. Ah, what? What?Copy !req
45. Come on, you know
I can't do anything.Copy !req
46. Because the dog bit your penis?Copy !req
47. Yes.Copy !req
48. And so you're...Copy !req
49. It's not ready.
I'm not ready.Copy !req
50. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
A couple more days.Copy !req
51. Mr. David?Copy !req
52. Can I make an observation?Copy !req
53. That magazine collection,Copy !req
54. you really need to do
something about that.Copy !req
55. I'm not complaining. I'm just...
just making an observation.Copy !req
56. Well, the doctor's
ready to see you.Copy !req
57. Okay.Copy !req
58. Just, you know,
just for your information,Copy !req
59. FYI kind of thing.Copy !req
60. - It's right that way.
- Okay.Copy !req
61. What are you doing,Copy !req
62. stealing your magazines
from garbage cans?Copy !req
63. I have never seen such
a collection of shit in my life.Copy !req
64. They're all four years old,
those things.Copy !req
65. We have other things
that we think aboutCopy !req
66. other than the magazines,
like giving people medical assistance.Copy !req
67. "Ladies Home Journal" from 2001.Copy !req
68. "People" magazine.
"Tom Cruise is 40!"Copy !req
69. - "Emilio Estevez is 40!"
- Just... just keep walking. Okay.Copy !req
70. Wow!Copy !req
71. "Good for them,
they're 40!"Copy !req
72. it sounds like
you're reading a lotCopy !req
73. - of these magazines you don't like.
- It was right on the cover.Copy !req
74. Yeah, you got a lot
of that stuff memorized.Copy !req
75. Give me a "Golf" magazine
or something.Copy !req
76. I got the point.
We got it, gotcha.Copy !req
77. Get "Nation."
How about "Nation"?Copy !req
78. Do you read "Nation"?
It's a fabulous magazine.Copy !req
79. I have read "Nation."
That's a good one.Copy !req
80. - Hey, Larry.
- Hi, Renee.Copy !req
81. How you feeling?Copy !req
82. - Good.
- Good.Copy !req
83. - Larry, how you feeling?
- Okay.Copy !req
84. Unfortunately, I can't give you
a clean bill of health at this point.Copy !req
85. Yeah, I don't know
what happened.Copy !req
86. There was a little,
slight abnormality.Copy !req
87. We were going along great,
and you kind of spiked a little there.Copy !req
88. And I can't sign
the form for you.Copy !req
89. Believe me, there's nothing wrong
with me. I'm fine.Copy !req
90. Jack, I'm fine.
Trust me, I'm fine.Copy !req
91. Larry, I can't
sign the form for youCopy !req
92. without taking some precautions, okay?
Here's what we're gonna do.Copy !req
93. It's simple, come on.Copy !req
94. There's no irregularity.Copy !req
95. Yes, there is, Larry.Copy !req
96. I went to medical school.
I know.Copy !req
97. So what we're gonna do is this.
Listen, it's simple:Copy !req
98. I'm gonna give you a device
called a heart halter.Copy !req
99. This is ridiculous.Copy !req
100. Larry, I have to do it.
I have to do it.Copy !req
101. It straps on,
a couple of electrodes.Copy !req
102. You wear it for 24 hours.
It measures your heartbeat.Copy !req
103. You come back and if this was
an abnormality, an aberration,Copy !req
104. the device will confirm it.Copy !req
105. You get back on the treadmill
for five minutes,Copy !req
106. I sign the slip,
and you're off to Broadway.Copy !req
107. - Renee?
- Yes?Copy !req
108. Do you have the halter?
You want to give that to Larry?Copy !req
109. I'm gonna schedule you
for an appointment tomorrow.Copy !req
110. - Let Renee do this, will you please?
- Will you stand up?Copy !req
111. Will you take off
your jacket, Larry?Copy !req
112. Great.Copy !req
113. It's really easy.Copy !req
114. There we go.
There you go.Copy !req
115. That's it.Copy !req
116. There.Copy !req
117. I got to tell you
what happened last night.Copy !req
118. You know, I took Renee home,
you know. We stopped and uh...Copy !req
119. Yeah, I just saw her
at Dr. Jack's.Copy !req
120. - She's unbelievable.
- She's beyond unbelievable.Copy !req
121. But the point of it is that I...Copy !req
122. Look, have you ever made it
with an African-American?Copy !req
123. Yes. Twice.Copy !req
124. What, the same one twice?Copy !req
125. Two different ones.Copy !req
126. - Same time?
- No, same time... two different ones.Copy !req
127. I'll tell you right now,
for some reason I never...Copy !req
128. I never did it with...
with a black...Copy !req
129. You never met...
you never met one or...Copy !req
130. No, no one I really, you know...Copy !req
131. Okay, so she'll be the first.Copy !req
132. This woman's extraordinary.
So here's the thing:Copy !req
133. A couple of months ago
I went to a Knicks game.Copy !req
134. And I went into the locker roomCopy !req
135. to say hello to some
of my friends.Copy !req
136. They were showering
and I looked.Copy !req
137. I saw one of the forwards.Copy !req
138. And he threw the towel off.
He was getting dressed,Copy !req
139. and I looked down.
I saw...Copy !req
140. - Big. Yeah.
- Big?Copy !req
141. Uh, huge?Copy !req
142. Big? They could put
the Chicago fire out with this.Copy !req
143. It was...
it was a joke.Copy !req
144. - Well...
- It was like from another planet.Copy !req
145. Well, he's a big guy.
He's a forward.Copy !req
146. You need to see a guard.
Did you see a guard?Copy !req
147. You can't tell by a forward.
They're too big, out of proportion.Copy !req
148. I don't care.
It's me and Renee,Copy !req
149. and maybe because...
maybe because, you know,Copy !req
150. she's black,
she maybe dates, you know...Copy !req
151. So you think the black woman
might be used to a...Copy !req
152. I mean, if they're used...
I mean, if that... if that's not a myth...Copy !req
153. I could see how
it could be a concern.Copy !req
154. I don't know whether I would
ever want to have intercourseCopy !req
155. with her, because I'm
a little intimidated.Copy !req
156. And you're one of the few
friends I can tell this to.Copy !req
157. Okay, well, then maybe
I can... I can step in.Copy !req
158. I got that 10th
anniversary present.Copy !req
159. I'm saying if you
want to, you know...Copy !req
160. if you're too intimidated
to go through with it, I could try.Copy !req
161. A good friend doesn't do that.Copy !req
162. You don't...
you don't have intercourseCopy !req
163. with someone who
your friend doesn't screw.Copy !req
164. Why? It would be a nice
10th anniversary present for me.Copy !req
165. I'd rather go to Tiffany's
and get you a bowl.Copy !req
166. I don't want a bowl.Copy !req
167. All right.Copy !req
168. Here you go.Copy !req
169. Yeah, I'm not the valet.Copy !req
170. Oh, I'm sor...Copy !req
171. It is possible for black people
to have other jobs.Copy !req
172. No no, I know, of course.Copy !req
173. - I already know. Thanks.
- No, because...Copy !req
174. - It's because I'm black.
- I'm sorry.Copy !req
175. Yeah.
You fucked up.Copy !req
176. Sorry.Copy !req
177. Sorry.Copy !req
178. So you automatically think
the black man is the valet, huh?Copy !req
179. - No, I don't automatically...
- Yes, you did. I saw it.Copy !req
180. No, he's standing
by the valet...Copy !req
181. "Get my car, boy."
I saw it, Larry.Copy !req
182. He had on a white shirt
and a red tie and a vest.Copy !req
183. He's standing by the valet sign.
It's an honest mistake.Copy !req
184. Oh, yeah yeah, that's honest.Copy !req
185. Anytime I see a black man
in a tie and a suit,Copy !req
186. I think, "Hey, you must
park cars for a living."Copy !req
187. I feel it was
an honest mistake, Wanda.Copy !req
188. No no, if it was a white man
standing here, you would not.Copy !req
189. I would have given him
the valet. I would too.Copy !req
190. - No, you wouldn't.
- I would too have.Copy !req
191. - No, you would have asked him, not.
- Too too.Copy !req
192. You would have asked him
for a stock tip or...Copy !req
193. - where do you golf?
- Oh, yeah, right.Copy !req
194. How's the filming going?Copy !req
195. It's good.
I'm shooting over there.Copy !req
196. On my little break.Copy !req
197. Let me ask you a question.Copy !req
198. You've slept with a lot of white men
and black men, I'm sure.Copy !req
199. - Is there any discernible difference?
- What?Copy !req
200. Let me rephrase that.
Let me rephrase that.Copy !req
201. Yeah, rephrase that.Copy !req
202. Is there any
discernible differenceCopy !req
203. between a white man
and a black man...Copy !req
204. you know...Copy !req
205. Why would you ask me
something like that, Larry?Copy !req
206. My friend wants to know.
Why, what's the big deal?Copy !req
207. I am not gonna answer that.Copy !req
208. What is that? What the fuck?
What are you doing?Copy !req
209. It's a bug, a bug.
I had a bug on me.Copy !req
210. Look, did you get my script
to that guy, that Martin Schaffer?Copy !req
211. Everything's okay since
you want your little favor.Copy !req
212. - Did he get my script?
- Yes, he did.Copy !req
213. - And?
- And what?Copy !req
214. I gave it to him.
He'll read it and get back to you.Copy !req
215. He's not gonna
rewrite it, is he?Copy !req
216. - No.
- Okay, 'cause that's my baby.Copy !req
217. - Oh yeah yeah.
- I don't want anybody messing with it.Copy !req
218. - No one's going to.
- I'm going back to work.Copy !req
219. - Go back to work, yeah.
- Messing with you.Copy !req
220. Is there any black men
around here to... is there a valet?Copy !req
221. I need a black man
to get my car.Copy !req
222. Is there a black man in the areaCopy !req
223. who wants to take
my valet ticket?Copy !req
224. - Excuse me?
- Yeah, hi.Copy !req
225. - Do you work here?
- Sure.Copy !req
226. Is this the only doll?Copy !req
227. Yeah, that's the only one left.Copy !req
228. - That's it?
- Yeah, last one.Copy !req
229. - Huh.
- Isn't that cute?Copy !req
230. - What's the race on this doll?
- It's biracial.Copy !req
231. - Biracial? Really?
- Yeah, absolutely.Copy !req
232. Huh.Copy !req
233. So they make this doll
specifically for mixed couples?Copy !req
234. For black and white couples?Copy !req
235. They make a doll for their kids?Copy !req
236. I don't know.Copy !req
237. If somebody's Asian,
and they marry a white person,Copy !req
238. are they making sort of a half-Asian,
half-white doll too?Copy !req
239. See what I'm getting at?Copy !req
240. Yeah.Copy !req
241. I think that's... yeah.Copy !req
242. Hmm, I wonder if you do.Copy !req
243. Okay. Um,
well, I guess 'll take it.Copy !req
244. Excellent, let me
wrap it up for you.Copy !req
245. - Okay.
- Okay.Copy !req
246. Oh, surprise, it says meow.Copy !req
247. Isn't that adorable?Copy !req
248. Oh, I love it. Thank you
so much. That's so sweet.Copy !req
249. Thank you.
You made it.Copy !req
250. What... what is this?Copy !req
251. - My heart. It's to monitor my heart.
- What?Copy !req
252. No, I'm fine.
There was an aberration...Copy !req
253. - That's heavy.
- No, I've got wires under there.Copy !req
254. - Are you okay?
- No, I'm fine.Copy !req
255. What does that mean?Copy !req
256. Nothing. There was
something wrong with the machine.Copy !req
257. The doctor wouldn't sign off.Copy !req
258. - How long do you have to wear this?
- Just a day.Copy !req
259. Doesn't Bernie
look like Steve Demarco?Copy !req
260. - No.
- Are you kidding?Copy !req
261. He looks exactly like him.Copy !req
262. They don't look anything alike.Copy !req
263. Anytime I ever point out thatCopy !req
264. somebody looks like someone else,
you always disagree.Copy !req
265. - Because they never do.
- They always do.Copy !req
266. - Hey, she's opening our gift.
- Oh, good.Copy !req
267. This is from the Davids.Copy !req
268. Oh, a doll.Copy !req
269. It's a mulatto.Copy !req
270. No good?Copy !req
271. Biracial is what
we call it, usually.Copy !req
272. Biracial. Hmm, what do you
know about that?Copy !req
273. They gave us another one, too.Copy !req
274. That's actually
for the surrogate.Copy !req
275. Oh.Copy !req
276. Well, that's it, gang.Copy !req
277. Um, why don't we have
some coffee or some dessert?Copy !req
278. 'Cause that's it.
That's all the gifts.Copy !req
279. Thank you guys for coming.Copy !req
280. What?Copy !req
281. - Hi.
- Hey.Copy !req
282. Thank you so much.Copy !req
283. - You're welcome.
- I didn't expect it.Copy !req
284. You're the one carrying
the baby. That's your baby.Copy !req
285. I wouldn't expect them to,
but thank you.Copy !req
286. - It's very unnecessary.
- Yeah.Copy !req
287. - What do you do?
- I'm a writer.Copy !req
288. Oh, that's cool.Copy !req
289. - Sounds good.
- Yeah.Copy !req
290. Sometimes, though,
it's not such a great job.Copy !req
291. You know, like for example,
I got this friend.Copy !req
292. She just gave a script
to me to give to somebody.Copy !req
293. She said, "Don't let him touch my baby,"
you know. That's what they do.Copy !req
294. You work on something
for months and months,Copy !req
295. then they take it away from you,Copy !req
296. and then that's it.Copy !req
297. You never see it again.
They take your baby from you,Copy !req
298. they give your baby
to somebody else, and that's it.Copy !req
299. You've lost complete
contact with your baby.Copy !req
300. You never see the baby again,
and it's your baby.Copy !req
301. And they give it
to another writer.Copy !req
302. And that writer doesn't let
you even look at your baby.Copy !req
303. That's part of your job.
That's what you signed up for.Copy !req
304. You knew you had to
give it away.Copy !req
305. Sort of, but it's hard
to give up that baby.Copy !req
306. Maybe in a few years you can see
how your script's doing.Copy !req
307. Yeah, I know, but then
it's all changed.Copy !req
308. You have nothing to do with it.Copy !req
309. All right. You wanna get
some coffee?Copy !req
310. No way out.Copy !req
311. It was shocking,
outrageous, insulting,Copy !req
312. and I loved every minute of it.Copy !req
313. - No way out.
- Hey!Copy !req
314. How are you?
How are you?Copy !req
315. - Hey.
- I am thoroughly impressed.Copy !req
316. Well, oh, come on.Copy !req
317. Yes, surprisingly good.Copy !req
318. Still on the book? You don't have it
under your belt yet?Copy !req
319. Funny you should mention that.Copy !req
320. Why is-is...
I mean...Copy !req
321. We open... dude, we open
in three and a half weeks.Copy !req
322. Yeah, I know.Copy !req
323. Every time you work,
he always has the scripts?Copy !req
324. Yes, every time.Copy !req
325. I'll be fine. I have a little problem
memorizing stuff.Copy !req
326. Did you guys get
your test results back?Copy !req
327. The insurance company's
been bugging me.Copy !req
328. Yes yes, yeah yeah,
I got mine. Here.Copy !req
329. Clean bill of health,
flying colors I might add.Copy !req
330. Ooh, results!
I'm proud of you.Copy !req
331. Where's your little paper?Copy !req
332. I had a little
bit of a... problem.Copy !req
333. What the hell is that?Copy !req
334. What is that?Copy !req
335. - Yeah, I didn't...
- What is that?Copy !req
336. - It's called a heart halter.
- Heart halter?Copy !req
337. I'm fine, I'm fine. I just
didn't pass the physical, that's all.Copy !req
338. - What?
- There's nothing wrong with me.Copy !req
339. Are you too old for this?
Is that what he said?Copy !req
340. No, I'm not too old for it,
believe me. It was a fluke.Copy !req
341. I'm fine. There's
nothing wrong with me.Copy !req
342. After three shuffle-ball chains,
he's winded.Copy !req
343. You wanna race me?Copy !req
344. - You want to go to the parking lot?
- I'll go right now.Copy !req
345. Put your sneakers on.Copy !req
346. I don't need sneakers...Copy !req
347. Let's stop being juvenile.Copy !req
348. You can't win. Let's not race him.
Now look, folks.Copy !req
349. Excuse me. Hey, Dad.Copy !req
350. You don't think
I could beat him in a race?Copy !req
351. I don't think you can
beat him in a race.Copy !req
352. Oh, can I tell you
what happened?Copy !req
353. I'm on the treadmill
taking the stress test...Copy !req
354. I got the pictures from Spain.Copy !req
355. Yeah, I thought
you might like that.Copy !req
356. Oh, that's excellent.Copy !req
357. She comes in that room again
tomorrow when I take the test,Copy !req
358. I look at the ceiling.
I can tell you that.Copy !req
359. Okay, that's great.Copy !req
360. All right, I think
you're gonna be fine.Copy !req
361. There's nothing wrong with me.
I'm fine. Did I just spit on you?Copy !req
362. - No no no.
- Okay, 'cause you went like that.Copy !req
363. No no, I always do that.
When I sweat...Copy !req
364. You're always
rubbing your face I noticed.Copy !req
365. Victor McLaglan
and Adolphe Menjou,Copy !req
366. Gypo, Gypo Nolan,
remember from "The Informer"?Copy !req
367. Gypo, Gypo Nolan...Copy !req
368. Gypo Nolan.Copy !req
369. Excuse me.
I'm sorry. Mr. Brooks?Copy !req
370. Can I introduce you to my dad?Copy !req
371. My dad's a huge fan.
This is Irving.Copy !req
372. Irving Schwimmer,
pleasure to meet you.Copy !req
373. Yes, pleasure meeting you.Copy !req
374. I'm looking forward
to seeing your show.Copy !req
375. I've been a fan
of yours for years.Copy !req
376. I appreciate that. Would you guys
excuse me for one minute?Copy !req
377. Yeah yeah yeah.
Isn't that awesome?Copy !req
378. You finally got to meet him.Copy !req
379. Yes, I finally did.Copy !req
380. So you like those pictures, huh?Copy !req
381. - Yeah...
- Good, good.Copy !req
382. Dad, this is Larry.Copy !req
383. Hi, how you doing?
Nice to meet you.Copy !req
384. - Right.
- These are great.Copy !req
385. - My parents went to Spain.
- Oh!Copy !req
386. Well, I'd better
be taking off, okay?Copy !req
387. Are those genitals?
What is that on that bull?Copy !req
388. No, that's...Copy !req
389. Oh my God.Copy !req
390. All right, Dad.Copy !req
391. You told him about the whole
cashew-raisin thing, right?Copy !req
392. We were talking. You didn't
have to go back and tell him, "Larry..."Copy !req
393. - Are you kidding?
- I know you said something.Copy !req
394. - He was so unfriendly.
- Of course I said something.Copy !req
395. It was your suggestion,
Mr. Constructive Criticism.Copy !req
396. He's putting
four cashews in a bag.Copy !req
397. He deserves some
constructive criticism.Copy !req
398. - Go on about it.
- I want to call him, seriously.Copy !req
399. - I don't think so.
- I'd like to call him and apologize.Copy !req
400. I don't feel comfortable
with you calling my dad.Copy !req
401. David, I'm going to apologize.Copy !req
402. - I'm gonna be very nice. I promise.
- Okay.Copy !req
403. Just call
before 7:00.Copy !req
404. - All right, what's his number?
- 310-858...Copy !req
405. This is Irving Schwimmer.
Please leave a message at the tone.Copy !req
406. Oh, hi, Mr. Schwimmer.Copy !req
407. Uh, this is Larry David.
I just want to say...Copy !req
408. you fucking asshole!Copy !req
409. What's your fucking
problem, you prick?Copy !req
410. Jesus!Copy !req
411. What the hell
is wrong with you?Copy !req
412. Who the fuck do you think
you're talking to?Copy !req
413. What are you doing?
You bumped into my car!Copy !req
414. You think I hit your car?
Now I'm gonna hit you in the head.Copy !req
415. Oh, my heart!Copy !req
416. What are you doing?
What is this?Copy !req
417. Is it your heart? All right,
just calm down. Don't take them off.Copy !req
418. You shouldn't have
took them off.Copy !req
419. All right, uh...Copy !req
420. Look... oh, Christ.
I don't know CPR.Copy !req
421. Hey, somebody call an ambulance.Copy !req
422. Call an ambulance!
Call 911!Copy !req
423. Send 'em to the park, come on.Copy !req
424. Oh!Copy !req
425. Hang in there. Can you breathe?
Keep breathing, all right?Copy !req
426. Whatever you do, don't stop
breathing. Keep doing that.Copy !req
427. You got a phone?Copy !req
428. Seriously, the guy was...Copy !req
429. the guy was coming after me
with a tire iron.Copy !req
430. I faked the whole thing.Copy !req
431. Do you understand
what I'm saying?Copy !req
432. This is ridiculous.
There's nothing wrong with me.Copy !req
433. This is just so unnecessary.
Seriously.Copy !req
434. I've dated both...
black men, white menCopy !req
435. and there really
isn't a difference.Copy !req
436. It's... it's really
just kind of a myth.Copy !req
437. That's a myth? Boy,
too bad for the black guys.Copy !req
438. I know. I know.Copy !req
439. I speak from both sides.
I'm half-black and half-white.Copy !req
440. Get out of town.
I bought a mulatto doll today.Copy !req
441. Okay, um,Copy !req
442. we don't really use
mulatto anymore...Copy !req
443. I was wondering about that,
if that was a bad one.Copy !req
444. Yeah, it's a bit outdated.
But if we all keep fucking each other,Copy !req
445. then we're gonna be the same race
sooner or later anyways.Copy !req
446. - Let's pray for that.
- I do.Copy !req
447. - Hello.
- Are you okay?Copy !req
448. Hey, this is Masasa.Copy !req
449. Hi, I'm Cheryl.
Nice to meet you.Copy !req
450. Do you think...
do you think that...Copy !req
451. a biracial person would need
sunblock? Would you think that?Copy !req
452. - I have not thought about it.
- I guess you had to be there.Copy !req
453. - We were having a conversation.
- Are you all right?Copy !req
454. Mrs. David,
it was lovely meeting you.Copy !req
455. And good luck to you
and your friend.Copy !req
456. Thank you.Copy !req
457. Oh my God, what happened?Copy !req
458. - Oh, I'm perfectly fine.
- Are you?Copy !req
459. Absolutely, perfectly fine.Copy !req
460. It was a road rage incident,
and a guy came out of his carCopy !req
461. with a tire iron.
He was gonna kill me.Copy !req
462. So you know,
I had the heart halter,Copy !req
463. and I faked like I was having
a heart attack. I pulled the wires out...Copy !req
464. You did what?Copy !req
465. I faked like I was
having a heart attackCopy !req
466. so he wouldn't kill me.Copy !req
467. So there's nothing
wrong with you?Copy !req
468. No, I'm fine.Copy !req
469. Then why am I here?Copy !req
470. Why are you in
a hospital bed right now?Copy !req
471. What are you talking about?Copy !req
472. They took me to the hospital
because of the heart attack.Copy !req
473. So you're taking up
a hospital bedCopy !req
474. because you're afraid of
some weird guy in traffic?Copy !req
475. Weird guy had a tire iron.
He was gonna kill me.Copy !req
476. You're in the hospital.
If you're calling meCopy !req
477. to rush over to help you,
I'd think something was wrong with you.Copy !req
478. You'd rather come in here
and see me with broken limbs?Copy !req
479. Well, I'd rather
not come in hereCopy !req
480. and see you chatting
with the nurse.Copy !req
481. I'm not allowed
to talk to a nurse?Copy !req
482. You're having
a good time in the hospital!Copy !req
483. You wanted somebody to kill me?Copy !req
484. Is that what you wanted?
You would prefer that?Copy !req
485. By the way, what did
you say to the surrogate?Copy !req
486. She's gone into labor.
She's here at the hospital,Copy !req
487. and she's not gonna
give the baby up.Copy !req
488. What did you tell her?Copy !req
489. She said she had
a talk with you.Copy !req
490. I didn't say anything.Copy !req
491. You must have said something
because Bernie is looking for youCopy !req
492. 'cause he wants
to kick your ass.Copy !req
493. That's a quote?Copy !req
494. That's a quote.Copy !req
495. Those bastards.
The fourth time I've been here,Copy !req
496. and I still can't get this
colostomy bag to fit. It doesn't fit.Copy !req
497. And the insurance company
won't pay for it.Copy !req
498. It's full all the time.Copy !req
499. I don't understand why they
just don't take care of it.Copy !req
500. What are you doing?Copy !req
501. You can't keep that baby!Copy !req
502. I was talking about a script.Copy !req
503. I want that panda back!Copy !req
504. So you know, I spoke
to this this nurse.Copy !req
505. She's biracial.Copy !req
506. Bi, what do you mean biracial?Copy !req
507. - Half-black, half-white... mulatto.
- Bisexual?Copy !req
508. They don't say mulatto anymore.
She got mad at me.Copy !req
509. Anyway, she said she's been
with black and white men,Copy !req
510. and she said there's
no difference so...Copy !req
511. - Really?
- Yeah.Copy !req
512. That's fantastic.Copy !req
513. Look at that.
Look at that.Copy !req
514. - How fantastic is that?
- Isn't that good news?Copy !req
515. Wow, I'm really...
this is great news, by the way.Copy !req
516. I'm gonna see Renee
this afternoon.Copy !req
517. - I got my physical again, yeah.
- Wow, cool.Copy !req
518. Did I tell you that
Bernie Dusenberry'sCopy !req
519. gonna kick my ass?
Did I mention that?Copy !req
520. - You mean that big guy?
- Yeah, the big guy.Copy !req
521. Wait wait wait,
let me ask you something.Copy !req
522. Hey.Copy !req
523. - Holy shit!
- Muggsy Bogues?Copy !req
524. Yes.Copy !req
525. I won't shake your hand.
I'm in a bathroom.Copy !req
526. - I appreciate that.
- This man has bathroom etiquette.Copy !req
527. - I haven't touched anything yet.
- I appreciate it.Copy !req
528. - I'm a huge fan, man, huge fan.
- Thank you.Copy !req
529. One of the great
guards of all time.Copy !req
530. - We really enjoyed watching you play.
- Thank you.Copy !req
531. - Nice to meet you, man.
- Same here.Copy !req
532. Go ahead, do your thing.Copy !req
533. What the fuck?Copy !req
534. Why are you looking at my dick?Copy !req
535. - You looking at me?
- No, I wasn't looking.Copy !req
536. You crazy?Copy !req
537. You okay?
Are you all right?Copy !req
538. Think I'm gonna steal your car?Copy !req
539. No no, it's just I forgot to...Copy !req
540. I forgot to just
put the alarm on.Copy !req
541. It's not you.
It's no race thing.Copy !req
542. No, no race thing.Copy !req
543. Asshole.Copy !req
544. No, I don't even
need the alarm on.Copy !req
545. It's off. I turned
the alarm off, look.Copy !req
546. Did it again, huh?Copy !req
547. So what, the black man
in a suit parks cars.Copy !req
548. Black man, no suit,
he gonna steal your car.Copy !req
549. I can't do anything in this city
without you watching me, following me?Copy !req
550. I told you I'm shooting
here all week.Copy !req
551. He just happened to be there
when I turned to put the alarm on.Copy !req
552. - That's not my fault.
- You saw the black man, you was like,Copy !req
553. "Let me lock my car."
You put the alarm on.Copy !req
554. The black man made you go,
"Let me lock the car."Copy !req
555. No, I just hadn't done it
yet, that's all.Copy !req
556. And do you think a black man
would want that piece of shit?Copy !req
557. Piece of shit, how dare you?Copy !req
558. No black man
don't want a toy car.Copy !req
559. Black man want a car
with some get up and go.Copy !req
560. I didn't think the black man
wanted the car.Copy !req
561. So look, did you hear
back from Martin,Copy !req
562. from Martin Schaffer
about my script?Copy !req
563. - Yeah.
- And?Copy !req
564. Sorry to say, didn't like it.Copy !req
565. It happens.Copy !req
566. Well, did you tell him
I was black?Copy !req
567. No.Copy !req
568. Why didn't you
tell him I was black?Copy !req
569. Oh, I don't know.
Why should I?Copy !req
570. Larry, you don't know
when to play the card.Copy !req
571. I mean, you know, white guys,
they love that shit.Copy !req
572. You know,
"Oh, look at me. I'm liberal.Copy !req
573. Helping the black person."
You should know better.Copy !req
574. That's when you tell
somebody they're black.Copy !req
575. All right, all right,
I'll tell him you're black, okay? Fine.Copy !req
576. Tell him I'm like a brown-skinned black,
not light skinned.Copy !req
577. Make sure he know
I'm real black.Copy !req
578. I hope I don't see you for a while.
Getting sick of you.Copy !req
579. Take your sick ass
in the hospital.Copy !req
580. Mr. David.Copy !req
581. Can I say that this is fantastic,
the magazines?Copy !req
582. What an improvement,
unbelievable.Copy !req
583. I got to tell you something,Copy !req
584. one of the few times in my life
anyone's taken my advice.Copy !req
585. It's a pleasure.Copy !req
586. - Well, the doctor's waiting to see you.
- Okay.Copy !req
587. You know what I say to you now?Copy !req
588. - What do you say to me?
- Keep me waiting.Copy !req
589. Can I tell you something?Copy !req
590. It was the best waiting room
experience I've ever had.Copy !req
591. - Glad you're happy.
- I'm very happy.Copy !req
592. I'm seeing right here
that you're happy.Copy !req
593. Nice job, and did you
notice I got "Golf"?Copy !req
594. I saw the "Golf."
I picked up a nice tip.Copy !req
595. Hey, Larry.Copy !req
596. Hey.Copy !req
597. Oh, Bernie Dusenberry called.Copy !req
598. I was able to reschedule
his appointment.Copy !req
599. He'll be here in 10 minutes.Copy !req
600. Oh, very good, thanks.Copy !req
601. Bye, Larry.Copy !req
602. And the dispenser was destroyed
virtually beyond recognition.Copy !req
603. Poor kid.Copy !req
604. So as he's telling the story,
he starts crying...Copy !req
605. Oh, did I tell you that
the surrogate changed her mind?Copy !req
606. She's gonna give the baby
to the Dusenberrys after all.Copy !req
607. - Really? Hey, that's great.
- Yeah.Copy !req
608. - Oh, I got some good news, too.
- You do?Copy !req
609. - Penis is healed.
- Oh.Copy !req
610. As soon as I get rid
of this heart halter,Copy !req
611. I'm back in business, baby.Copy !req
612. I can't do those things.Copy !req
613. - It's Marilyn.
- Marilyn.Copy !req
614. Don't pick it up.
I'm not talking to her tonight.Copy !req
615. - Good night.
- Good night.Copy !req
616. Hi, please leave
your name and numberCopy !req
617. and someone will get
back to you, thank you.Copy !req
618. This is Irv Schwimmer.Copy !req
619. You motherfucking, cocksucking,
son-of-a-bitch bastard!Copy !req
620. Who the fuck do you
think you are?Copy !req
621. You bald son of a...Copy !req