Curb Your Enthusiasm 4x10

1. Captions made possible by HOME BOX OFFICE, INC.

2. WHO ARE YOU?

3. I'M LEOPOLD BLOOM.

4. I'M AN ACCOUNTANT.

5. I'M FROM WHITEHALL & MARKS.

6. I'VE COME HERE TO DO YOUR BOOKS.

7. I'VE COME HERE TO DO YOUR BOOKS.

8. OH, MR. BLOOM.

9. I'VE BEEN EXPECTING YOU.

10. NO, I'VE COME HERE TO DO YOUR BOOKS.

11. OH.

12. OH.

13. OH.

14. YOU... YOU...

15. HAVE.

16. OH, YOU HAVE? HAVE YOU?

17. HUH?

18. OH, YOU HAVE, HUH? OKAY.

19. I KNOW. I HAD IT YESTERDAY, I HAD THE WHOLE THING...

20. THE WHOLE PLAY,

21. AND FORWARDS.

22. ALL OF A SUDDEN?

23. RUN LINES WITH YOU ON THE PLANE.

24. NO, YOU CAN'T.

25. INSTEAD OF GOING IN TWO DAYS, I'LL GO TODAY WITH YOU.

26. NO, THAT'S CRAZY, IT'S CRAZY.

27. WILL YOU RUN LINES? I'LL BE FINE.

28. TO THE PLAN.

29. MEETING TOMORROW.

30. TO GO TO THAT.

31. MORE IMPORTANT THAN THIS SHOW,

32. TO DO THAT.

33. THANK YOU, THOUGH. ALRIGHT.

34. BUT WHAT, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MY PLANE OUTFIT?

35. OKAY, YOU LIKE MY PLANE OUTFIT?

36. VERY COMFORTABLE.

37. HUH, IT'S COMFORTABLE, RIGHT?

38. WHO'S GONNA BE ON THE PLANE WITH YOU?

39. LET'S SEE, JEFF, UH, DAVID SCHWIMMER,

40. MM, CADY HUFFMAN.

41. OH.

42. CADY HUFFMAN?

43. WHAT, SHE PLAYS ULA IN THE SHOW.

44. NO, I KNOW WHO SHE IS.

45. THIS IS HOW, IT'S VERY OBVIOUS WHY YOU DON'T WANT ME TO GO.

46. WHAT?

47. ARE YOU NUTS?

48. AND, UH, CADY HUFFMAN?

49. IT'S LIKE...

50. WHAT, COME ON, SHE HATES MY GUTS.

51. I MET HER AT BEN STILLER'S PARTY.

52. SHE COULDN'T STAND ME.

53. YOU BETTER WORK FAST, MY FRIEND.

54. YEAH.

55. IF YOU'RE GONNA CASH IN ON THIS, UH, 10th ANNIVERSARY GIFT,

56. YOU HAVE, WHAT, THREE DAYS LEFT?

57. WORK TO DO.

58. HOW'S IT GOING, BY THE WAY?

59. GOING WELL?

60. IT'S OKAY, IT'S, YOU KNOW, I HAVEN'T REALLY BEEN PUSHING IT.

61. NEW YORK'S A BIG PLACE.

62. OPPORTUNITY FOR YOU.

63. OKAY, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, ALRIGHT?

64. OKAY, YEAH.

65. OKAY.

66. OH. OH.

67. THAT'S IT. OKAY.

68. SO, I'LL BE THERE OPENING NIGHT, OKAY?

69. THE NEXT TIME I'LL SEE YOU WILL BE AFTER THE PLAY,

70. 6BUT I'LL BE THERE.

71. OKAY. OKAY, SO KNOW THAT.

72. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU.

73. BYE.

74. GO GET 'EM.

75. HEY.

76. OH, HEY.

77. NO CHERYL?

78. NO, SHE'S GOT THAT, UH, NRDC MEETING.

79. GREAT.

80. SHE'S NOT COMING 'TIL...

81. YOU GOT THREE DAYS, MAN.

82. YEAH, NOTHING'S... THREE DAYS.

83. YOU NEVER KNOW.

84. YEAH. YOU NEVER KNOW.

85. THREE MORE DAYS.

86. 'TIL WE OPEN TOO, ISN'T THAT AMAZING?

87. AMAZING. IT'S THE EXACT SAME DAY.

88. YOU'RE GONNA BE GREAT.

89. LISTEN, UH, CADY, UH, WENT TO GO GET SOME COFFEE.

90. OH, SHE'S HERE, YEAH?

91. SHE'S HERE, AND SHE CONFIDED IN ME SOMETHING.

92. WHAT, SHE HATES MY GUTS?

93. NO, SHE HAS OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER.

94. REALLY? YEAH.

95. CADY HAS OCD.

96. I, UH... I TOLD HER THAT YOU HAVE IT, TOO.

97. ARE YOU NUTS, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

98. NO, COME ON, THAT'S FUNNY.

99. THAT'S FUNNY?

100. THAT'S REALLY FUNNY, SHE WAS SO EXCITED.

101. HOW STUPID.

102. IT WAS NOT STUPID.

103. SOMEBODY, TAKE ADVANTAGE OF—

104. HEY, LARRY.

105. HI, HI, HI.

106. HI, HI, HI, OH.

107. HEY, WHERE IS THE, UH, COFFEE PLACE?

108. UH, 123 STEPS THAT WAY.

109. 123 STEPS, I'LL BE TAKING, I'LL SEE YOU IN A FEW MINUTES.

110. OKAY.

111. UH, JEFF TOLD ME SOMETHING ABOUT YOU.

112. REALLY?

113. THAT YOU HAVE OCD.

114. IT'S OKAY, 'CAUSE I'M, IT'S, I HAVE IT, TOO.

115. ISN'T THAT KIND OF GREAT, THOUGH?

116. THAT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

117. I'D GIVE YOU FIVE, BUT I DON'T WANNA TOUCH YOUR HAND.

118. I'D HAVE TO WASH IT.

119. YEAH, ME TOO.

120. IT'S EXHAUSTING, ISN'T IT?

121. COUNTING, THE CLEANING.

122. DRIVE ME CRAZY.

123. DRIVE ME CRAZY.

124. THAT WHOLE, ONE BAG IS DEVOTED TO SOAP.

125. OH, HERE'S DAVID.

126. HEY, DAVID.

127. HEY.

128. SORRY. HOW'S IT GOING?

129. HOW YOU DOING? GOOD, GOOD.

130. I'M GONNA HIT THE LOUNGE.

131. WHAT IS THAT, THE ADMIRAL'S CLUB?

132. YEAH.

133. SEE YOU, CADY. OKAY.

134. I'LL SEE YOU ON THE PLANE.

135. WELL, I'M ALL CHECKED IN, UH...

136. OKAY.

137. FOR YOU?

138. SURE, YEAH, OKAY. OKAY, GOOD.

139. Flight attendants, please prepare for departure.

140. HEY.

141. HUH?

142. THAT OCD STORY.

143. REALLY? WE'RE REALLY BONDING.

144. I MEAN, SHE LOOKS AT ME LIKE I'M A DIFFERENT PERSON NOW.

145. WOW.

146. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, IT'S AMAZING.

147. ANYTHING TO READ?

148. MM, JUST SIT THERE.

149. YOU DON'T HAVE A MAGAZINE OR A BOOK, NOTHING?

150. NO, I JUST SIT.

151. HOW COME YOU DIDN'T BRING A BOOK OR A MAGAZINE?

152. I DON'T NEED ONE, I LIKE JUST SITTING.

153. FOR FIVE HOURS LIKE THAT,

154. I CAN. IT'S CRAZY.

155. UM, SIR, COULD YOU PLEASE

156. UPRIGHT POSITION, PLEASE?

157. LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.

158. YES?

159. TO SAY THAT?

160. DID WHO TELL ME WHAT?

161. THAT GUY, RIGHT THERE.

162. THE SEAT WASN'T UPRIGHT?

163. I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT,

164. BUT WE'RE TRYING TO TAKE OFF.

165. SO, I'M GONNA NEED—

166. TO YOU UP THERE.

167. SIR, LET ME TELL YOU WHAT I NEED.

168. WITH THE SEAT FULLY UP.

169. OKAY. THAT'S WHAT I REQUIRE, OKAY?

170. BUT, BUT I SAW

171. WHAT I REQUIRE? YES, MA'AM.

172. THAT'S ALL I REQUIRE, YES, MA'AM.

173. THAT'S VERY GOOD, YOU'RE LEARNING QUICK.

174. OH, BUT WAIT A SECOND.

175. EXCUSE ME?

176. WHAT HE SAID TO YOU UP THERE?

177. I MEAN, I SAW HIM WHISPER TO YOU.

178. SIR, I'M TRYING TO GET TO NEW YORK.

179. GO WITH ME?

180. YES, I DO, MA'AM.

181. THEN WE CAN'T TALK ANY LONGER, I GOT STUFF TO DO.

182. OKAY? OKAY, OKAY.

183. ALRIGHT.

184. HEY, SCHWIMMER.

185. MY SEAT WASN'T IN THE UPRIGHT POSITION?

186. NO.

187. HMM... INTERESTING.

188. YEAH.

189. TO HER ABOUT?

190. THAT'S MY BUSINESS.

191. A SNIPPET.

192. NO, THE DISCUSSION I HAD IS PRIVILEGED.

193. CAN YOU GIVE ME A HINT?

194. WHAT'S THE AREA?

195. TO A STEWARDESS ABOUT?

196. DID YOU ALLUDE TO ME?

197. Ladies and gentlemen,

198. the captain has turned on the fasten seat belt sign.

199. If you're up and about the cabin,

200. please return to your seat

201. and make sure your seatbelts are securely fastened.

202. Thank you.

203. THE REGENCY.

204. WELCOME.

205. WELCOME.

206. HI, HOW YOU DOING?

207. GOOD.

208. OKAY, ALRIGHT.

209. AH.

210. YOU KNOW WHAT?

211. DON'T HAVE ANY SMALL BILLS.

212. I'LL GET YOU LATER.

213. OKAY.

214. OH, I DETECT A LITTLE SKEPTICISM THERE.

215. NO, NO, NO. IT'S OKAY.

216. WHAT'S YOUR NAME, TIM?

217. TIM.

218. OKAY, YOU'RE WORKING TODAY?

219. YES.

220. ALRIGHT, I'M ALL OVER THIS, ALRIGHT?

221. YOU'LL SEE, I'LL BE BACK.

222. SIR, THE, UH, BELLMAN

223. AFTER YOU CHECK IN.

224. OH, OKAY.

225. UM, I ONLY HAVE, UH, BIG BILLS.

226. I'LL GET YOU LATER.

227. SIR, WHATEVER, WHATEVER PLEASES YOU...

228. THAT'S FINE WITH ME.

229. ANY DOUBT THERE?

230. 'CAUSE I, I...

231. NO, NOT FROM ME, I TRUST YOU.

232. I TRUST YOU, SIR. YOU KNOW WHAT?

233. HERE. YEAH.

234. THIS IS A BETTER IDEA.

235. HERE'S 20.

236. OKAY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, SIR.

237. SPLIT IT WITH TIM, OUT, YOU KNOW TIM OUTSIDE?

238. WITH TIM?

239. YEAH, GIVE TIM 10.

240. ABSOLUTELY, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

241. THANKS A LOT, THANKS.

242. UH, IF YOU'RE HUNGRY LATER THIS EVENING,

243. THERE'S A LOVELY RESTAURANT IN THE LOBBY CALLED THE LIBRARY.

244. RECOMMEND IT.

245. OKAY. VERY GOOD FOOD.

246. UH, THIS IS YOUR KEY, ACCESS TO YOUR ROOM.

247. IT'S A CARD, THIS IS THE CARD SLOT.

248. UH, SIMPLY INSERT THE CARD INTO THE SLOT.

249. THERE'S A BEEPING, WAIT A SECOND.

250. FIRMLY APPLY PRESSURE, AND IN YOU GO.

251. THAT'S FASCINATING.

252. UH, SOME OF THE AMENITIES, QUICKLY, YOU HAVE A TELEPHONE.

253. DIAL NINE TO GET OUT.

254. UH, THERE'S A TELEVISION, HERE.

255. OKAY, GOT THAT.

256. SOME OF THESE, AND YOU FOR POWER ON AND OFF...

257. ON AND OFF, COPY THAT.

258. CHANNEL, UP AND DOWN, VOLUME, UP AND DOWN.

259. A MINI BAR, ALSO, UNDERNEATH.

260. GOT IT.

261. GOT IT, GOT IT.

262. AIR TEMPERATURE CONTROL.

263. YEAH, I'VE SEEN THOSE.

264. UH, BATHROOM, UH, WITH SHOWER.

265. TURN ON THE WATER.

266. AND THE WATER COMES OUT.

267. YES, YES, UH, THE COLD IS ON THE RIGHT.

268. UH-HUH, OKAY.

269. AND THAT'S, THAT'S A WINDOW.

270. YES.

271. YOU WALK OVER TO IT AND... AND YOU CAN LOOK OUT.

272. IT'S FOR?

273. YES.

274. BASICALLY THAT'S WHAT IT'S FOR, RIGHT?

275. BASICALLY, YES. ALRIGHT, EXCELLENT.

276. EXCELLENT, I THINK I GOT EVERYTHING.

277. I THINK... THE FLOOR IS FOR STANDING.

278. I THINK I GOT IT, KIND OF COMPLICATED.

279. UH, I'LL GO OVER IT AGAIN.

280. OKAY, THANK YOU.

281. OKAY, YOU'RE WELCOME, YOU'RE VERY WELCOME.

282. ALRIGHT.

283. I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING FOR YOU RIGHT NOW.

284. I ONLY GOT, LIKE, 20'S.

285. SORRY.

286. I'LL GET YOU TOMORROW.

287. DON'T BE DUBIOUS, DON'T BE DUBIOUS.

288. YOU'RE DUBIOUS. NO, NO, UH...

289. I'M GONNA GET YOU TOMORROW.

290. DON'T, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, THANK YOU.

291. YEAH. I'LL SEE YOU OUTSIDE.

292. UM...

293. SERIOUSLY, I WILL, THERE'S NO PROBLEM.

294. I'M NOT GONNA GIVE YOU A 20,

295. THAT'S NUTS, THAT'S NUTSY, RIGHT?

296. COME ON.

297. SURE, IT'S VERY NUTS, IT'S CRAZY.

298. EVENING.

299. UH, I'M SUPPOSED TO GIVE YOU A 20?

300. GAVE HIM A 20.

301. HELLO?

302. Hey. HEY.

303. LET'S GO DOWN AND GET A DRINK, COME ON.

304. OH, I DON'T KNOW, I JUST GOT HERE.

305. IN THE ROOM?

306. LET'S GO DOWN, COME ON.

307. MY LINES, I THINK.

308. Study your lines?

309. COME ON, YOU GOT, LIKE,

310. GIFT EXPIRES.

311. I OPEN ON BROADWAY.

312. YOU KNOW YOUR LINES.

313. YOU'RE GONNA BE GREAT, IT'S GONNA BE WONDERFUL.

314. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

315. Now you need to go down and meet some gals.

316. Can't let this run out, my friend.

317. ALRIGHT, GIVE ME A HALF HOUR.

318. Alright, a half hour, I'll see you down there.

319. YEAH.

320. HEY. HELLO.

321. I'M BEING VERY WITTY.

322. OH, ARE YOU? YEAH.

323. AS IS YOUR WONT.

324. AS IS MY WONT.

325. LARRY DAVID, I'M SORRY, YOUR NAME AGAIN?

326. CHRISTINA.

327. HELLO. HI.

328. HOW DO YOU TWO KNOW EACH OTHER?

329. ASSOCIATES.

330. YES, YES, WE'RE IN BUSINESS TOGETHER.

331. ARE YOU IN TOGETHER?

332. GROOMING.

333. PET GROOMING.

334. REALLY? PET GROOMING?

335. WOW. PET GROOMING.

336. YEAH, WE HAVE A TRUCK, AND WELL, WE SHAMPOO DOGS.

337. THAT DOES IT.

338. OF THE TRUCK.

339. WITH SCISSORS.

340. UH-HUH, NAILS, AND THINGS.

341. HORSES, CATS, ANY ANIMAL.

342. REALLY DO, COME ON.

343. IN BROADWAY, ON BROADWAY.

344. WHAT, REALLY? IN THE PRODUCERS.

345. IN THE PRODUCERS?

346. MAX BIALYSTOCK.

347. NO.YOU'RE KIDD.

348. THAT FACE?

349. 'CAUSE I HAVE A TIC, I'M GOING ON STAGE WITH A TIC.

350. YOU DON'T HAVE A TIC.

351. I DIDN'T SEE THE TIC BEFORE.

352. COME ON.

353. YOU KNOW, IT'S COULD THROW OFF THE SHOW.

354. SHE DOES.

355. WHAT DO YOU DO?

356. I'M A FELLATIO TEACHER.

357. OKAY, NOW, LET'S BE HONEST HERE...

358. IF I HADN'T MADE IT UP, WOULD I HAVE SAID,

359. TELL HER, ASK WHAT SHE DOES?

360. YOU MADE IT UP.

361. HE GIVE YOU TO SAY THAT?

362. NO, I WOULDN'T HAVE SAID...

363. NO, IT'S ABSOLUTELY TRUE.

364. I'D LET YOU FIND OUT ON YOUR OWN, OKAY?

365. OH, SURE, YEAH.

366. I AM A FELLATIO TEACHER.

367. REALLY? MM-HMM.

368. THAT'S WHAT YOU DO?

369. YES.

370. I'M AN EXPERT.

371. I DON'T KNOW HOW ANYBODY COULD DO THAT WITHOUT A BLINDFOLD ON.

372. OH, WELL THAT'S CRAZY.

373. I MEAN, IT'S A GROTESQUE MONSTER.

374. NO, NO, IT IS NOT GROTESQUE, DON'T EVEN SAY THAT.

375. NO, IT'S BEAUTIFUL, AND IT'S SAD

376. IF SOMEBODY DOESN'T GET TO EXPERIENCE IT, YEAH.

377. OH, DEAR GOD.

378. ALRIGHT.

379. A LITTLE MEXICALI.

380. SPICY FOOD?

381. I LOVE SPICY FOOD.

382. I, I LOVE SPICY FOOD.

383. I LOVE SPICY FOOD.

384. DID YOU KNOW...

385. A MAN'S CUM TASTE DELICIOUS.

386. I DID NOT KNOW THAT.

387. IT DOES.

388. I DID NOT KNOW THAT.

389. IT'S TRUE.

390. OH, JOHNNY, DID NOT KNOW THAT.

391. DELICIOUS, OH, HO.

392. SO, I STARTED TEACHING CLASSES, AND...

393. UH-HUH. I WROTE A BOOK.

394. WOMEN WERE JUST SO, SORT OF,

395. THE WHOLE THING AND I...

396. YOU OKAY?

397. I LIKE IT.

398. HMM.

399. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE PART OF GETTING A BLOWJOB?

400. YOU'VE GOT SOME NAPKIN ON YOUR HEAD STILL.

401. THAT WATER?

402. YOU KNOW WHAT, THAT'S MY WATER, THAT'S MY—

403. PEOPLE ARE EATING.

404. YEAH, IT WENT DOWN THE WRONG PIPE.

405. HOW'S THE FOOD?

406. WHERE DO YOU LIVE?

407. LIVE IN THE CITY, USING THAT NAPKIN?

408. I'M GONNA GO.

409. WHAT?

410. YEAH, I JUST, I DON'T FEEL HUNGRY ANYMORE, AND, UM...

411. WHAT, REALLY?

412. I'M A LITTLE SICK, ACTUALLY.

413. WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

414. YOU'LL NEVER REGRET THIS, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

415. THAT'S ALL I'M TALKING ABOUT.

416. UH, HEY, WHAT'S UP, WHAT'S GOING ON?

417. THINK THIS IS GONNA GO ON?

418. UM, I, CAN'T SAY... REALLY.

419. IN TWO DAYS?

420. GET SOME SLEEP.

421. REFRESHED, RIGHT?

422. YES.

423. MM, DUDE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WATCH?

424. I THINK AT REHEARSAL.

425. IT'S A BLACK TAG, WITH THREE SILVER THINGS,

426. LIKE, THREE, UH, DIALS ON IT.

427. IS THAT JENNIFER ANISTON?

428. SERIOUSLY, HAVE YOU SEEN IT?

429. HUH? NO.

430. I DON'T KNOW WHAT, I DIDN'T SEE ANY WATCH, NO.

431. HEY, YOU GUYS MADE IT, COME ON IN, HEY, IT'S ALRIGHT, GO AHEAD.

432. THERE'S SUSHI ON ITS WAY, ALRIGHT?

433. DAVID, WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?

434. NOBODY, OKAY, HOLD ON, HOLD ON.

435. UM, I'LL SEE YOU AT THE MEETING TOMORROW, YEAH?

436. GET SOME SLEEP, DUDE, SERIOUSLY, YOU LOOK A LITTLE...

437. HOW'S IT COMING?

438. ALMOST DONE, SIR.

439. YEAH. YEA?

440. LAST NIGHT.

441. THAT AIR CONDITIONING.

442. YEAH, SOMETIMES, YOU KNOW, THEY JUST,

443. YOU'VE GOTTA GET IN THERE AND FIX IT,

444. AND IT'LL WORK AGAIN, YOU KNOW.

445. YOU'RE A PRETTY SMART GUY.

446. WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

447. I COULD NEVER DO THAT, I COULD STUDY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE,

448. EVERY DAY, EIGHT HOURS A DAY, I COULD NEVER DO THAT.

449. YEAH, FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING.

450. MAYBE, I DON'T KNOW.

451. AH.

452. UH, GOOD MORNING. GOOD MORNING.

453. BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL.

454. THERE YOU GO, SIR, THANK YOU.

455. 53 DOLLARS?

456. IT'S BREAKFAST.

457. YEAH, I DON'T SET THE PRICES, SIR.

458. EGGS, PANCAKES? YEAH.

459. JUICE, COFFEE, 53 DOLLARS?

460. MM-HMM, IT'S A NICE BREAKFAST, YEAH.

461. TIP IS INCLUDED.

462. YEAH, YEAH, 18%, YOU JUST NEED TO SIGN.

463. 18%.

464. GIVE YOU MORE,

465. ON THE, UH, EXTRA, THE BONUS TIPPING?

466. YEAH, SOMETIMES.

467. YEAH. THEY D?

468. WELL, I'LL GIVE YOU ANOTHER TWO PERCENT.

469. WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

470. ALRIGHT?

471. VERY MUCH.

472. THANKS, YOU HAVE A NICE DAY. OKAY, YOU TOO.

473. PARDON ME.

474. HEY, ANDY.

475. HOW ARE YOU? MR. ETHEL MERMAN.

476. LOOK WHO'S HERE. LOOK AT YOU.

477. WOW.

478. I CALLED YOU, ARE YOU HAPPY?

479. YOU CALLED, HERE I AM.

480. TOMORROW NIGHT?

481. YEAH, OF COURSE I'M COMING.

482. OKAY, I GOT ONE TICKET FOR YOU.

483. OKAY, HOW YA GONNA GET IT TO ME?

484. I'LL LEAVE IT AT WILL CALL.

485. OH, NO, OH, IT'S PACKED THERE.

486. OPENING NIGHT.

487. UH, OKAY, FINE, FINE, FINE.

488. I'LL GO THERE, OKAY, I'LL GET THERE EARLY, I'LL BE FINE.

489. SO, HOW IS PLAY PRACTICE, HOW'S IT GOING?

490. REHEARSAL, REHEARSAL, YEAH.

491. PLAY PRACTICE.

492. DOING PIPPIN,

493. FOR PLAY PRACTICE.

494. BUT HOW IS IT?

495. I DON'T SEE YOU DOING IT AT ALL, BUT YOU'LL BE GREAT.

496. YOU'LL BE WONDERFUL.

497. YEAH, THANKS.

498. I DIDN'T KNOW YOU SANG, AND YOU DANCE.

499. I REALLY DON'T, YOU KNOW...

500. I DON'T KNOW, MEL BROOKS LIKED ME, AND...

501. REALLY?

502. OH, MY GOSH, YOU'RE A STAR.

503. YOU'RE GONNA BE A STAR.

504. OH, STOP IT. NO, SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

505. A RIDE OUT TO WESTCHESTER,

506. SOME OPEN HOUSES?

507. YOU'RE BUYING A HOUSE?

508. NO, NO, NO.

509. OPEN HOUSES, YOU JUST GO, YOU VISIT, YOU KNOW?

510. YOU JUST GO IN, YOU TOUR AROUND.

511. YOU SAY, OH, YOU KNOW, PRETEND YOU'RE BUYING, BUT YOU DON'T.

512. AROUND TO HOMES?

513. IF YOU'RE NOT BUYING THEM, WHAT'S THE POINT?

514. AT THE HOMES?

515. YES, OH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL, YOU LOOK ALL AROUND.

516. UH, YOU KNOW WHAT?

517. I CAN'T DO IT, ANYWAY, I GOTTA STUDY MY LINES.

518. I DON'T, I CAN'T DO IT.

519. OKAY.

520. ALRIGHT, SIR, WE'RE ALL DONE.

521. ALRIGHT. YEAH.

522. EXCELLENT JOB, THANK YOU.

523. THANK YOU, SIR.

524. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

525. THANK YOU, NO PROBLEM, OKAY.

526. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

527. GOODBYE.

528. B'BYE.

529. B'BYE.

530. TO TIP THAT GUY?

531. THE GUY FIXING THAT?

532. YEAH. UH-HUH.

533. NOT A LOT, BUT YOU GOTTA TIP HIM.

534. TO TIP HIM?

535. I MEAN, HE'S JUST A, HE CAME IN AND FIXED SOMETHING.

536. THAT'S RIGHT, HE PERFORMED A SERVICE, AND YOU TIP HIM FOR A SERVICE.

537. OF COURSE YOU DO.

538. IS JUST, IT'S SO CONFUSING.

539. GOOD MORNING, MR. DAVID.

540. TO CLEAN UP?

541. OH, OKAY, COME ON IN.

542. HEY, LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.

543. ON YOUR CART, BY ANY CHANCE?

544. YES.

545. YEAH.RE?

546. WATCH THAT IS.

547. SCHWIMMER.

548. HEY, I HOPE YOU GET THIS MESSAGE.

549. I FOUND YOUR WATCH.

550. AT THE MEETING.

551. ALRIGHT, GOODBYE.

552. HEY.

553. REMEMBER ME, FROM YESTERDAY?

554. YEAH, YEAH, SURE.

555. EVERYTHING OKAY, IT'S ALL STRAIGHTENED OUT?

556. STRAIGHTENED OUT WHAT?

557. THE OTHER DOORMAN,

558. WITH THE GLASSES...

559. YEAH, I KNOW...

560. I GAVE HIM 20 DOLLARS, I TOLD HIM TO GIVE YOU 10.

561. AND YOU, YOU DIDN'T GET THE 10 DOLLARS?

562. NO.

563. WHAT?

564. HOW YOU DOING? HOW YOU DOING?

565. TAKE CARE.

566. HE DIDN'T GIVE YOU ANY MONEY?

567. NO, NOT A DIME.

568. YOU SURE HE DIDN'T GIVE YOU ANYTHING?

569. YEAH, I'M SURE.

570. IN OTHER WORDS, HE'S GOT THE 10 DOLLARS NOW,

571. TO GIVE IT TO YOU.

572. YOU'RE SAYING?

573. NO, THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.

574. I'M SAYING, I DIDN'T GET 10 DOLLARS FROM HIM.

575. HMM.

576. OKAY.

577. ALRIGHT.

578. FINE.

579. HERE YOU GO.

580. THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

581. YOU'RE WELCOME. THIS MEANS A LOT.

582. I TELL YOU, SANJAY OVER THERE WAS A LITTLE UPSET THIS MORNING.

583. YOU DIDN'T... YOU DIDN'T TAKE CARE OF HIM.

584. TAKE CARE OF HIM? HE'S A REPAIR MAN.

585. WELL, YEAH, BUT, YOU KNOW,

586. HE HELPED YOU OUT, AND YOU DIDN'T...

587. HE HELPED ME OUT? HE WORKS FOR THE HOTEL.

588. WASN'T WORKING.

589. I DIDN'T HAVE A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP.

590. SUPPOSED TO DO?

591. JUST, MAYBE WANT A LITTLE SOMETHING.

592. WITH A FINANCIAL EXCHANGE.

593. WELL, YES, BUT, YOU KNOW, LIKE I SAID...

594. OH, ALRIGHT.

595. EXCUSE ME.

596. OH.

597. HELLO, SIR.

598. YEAH, I WAS TALKING TO TIM OVER THERE.

599. HE SAYS YOU'RE A LITTLE UPSET THIS MORNING THAT YOU DIDN'T

600. GET SOME KIND OF, UH, GRATUITY.

601. UH, A LITTLE PERTURBED, YEAH, A LITTLE, YEAH.

602. REALLY? YEAH, SURE, YEAH.

603. THAT'S YOUR JOB, SANJI.

604. YEAH, BUT, UH, YES, IT'S, YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST LIKE,

605. HEY, I APPRECIATE THIS.

606. YOU KNOW, COMMON COURTESY SOMETIME.

607. IT'S JUST, HEY, THANK YOU.

608. COMMON COURTESY, REALLY?

609. YOU KNOW, YOU PUT IN THE TIME, YOU KNOW,

610. YOU FIX THE AIR FOR YOU.

611. WELL, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M GONNA DO FOR YOU, OKAY?

612. YOU KNOW THE SHOW, THE PRODUCERS?

613. SURE, YEAH, YEAH, BIG, BIG SHOW.

614. OKAY, I'M IN THE SHOW.

615. I'M GONNA GET SOME TICKETS TODAY,

616. AND I'LL GIVE YOU A TICKET, HOW ABOUT THAT?

617. YEAH, I'LL TAKE A TICKET.

618. SO, WE'RE SQUARE, RIGHT?

619. YEAH, WE ARE, THAT'S GOOD KARMA FOR YOU.

620. ALRIGHT, SANJI.

621. HEY, THAT'S GOOD, SANJAY.

622. SANJAY. THANK YOU.

623. EXCUSE ME, HEY, COULD I ASK YOU A FAVOR?

624. TAKE OUR PHOTOGRAPH?

625. THANK YOU.

626. YEAH.

627. I'M NOT REALLY VERY GOOD AT THIS STUFF.

628. IT'S NO BIG DEAL, IT'S JUST A POINT-AND-CLICK.

629. ALRIGHT.

630. TURN IT AROUND.

631. OH, OKAY. THANK YOU.

632. BUT, UH, DO IT HORIZONTALLY.

633. OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

634. 'CAUSE I GET ALL THE BACKGROUND.

635. I SEE THE BUILDINGS, I SEE THE SIGNS.

636. OKAY, BUT JUST

637. AND IF I WANT IT VERTICAL, I'LL PHOTOSHOP IT,

638. I HAVE THE OPTION.

639. SO, JUST, JUST DO IT HORIZONTALLY.

640. ALRIGHT, I MEAN, IF YOU SAW WHAT I SEE YOU WOULD DEFINITELY...

641. I GOT IT UP HERE, JUST TAKE IT HORIZONTALLY.

642. WELL, HONEY, MAYBE HE'S RIGHT, YOU GET THE WHOLE CITY FEEL.

643. YES, I SEE THE WHOLE BACKGROUND.

644. DON'T DO THIS, OKAY?

645. JOHN, I WAS JUST...

646. I'VE MADE ON THIS TRIP!

647. SIR, YOU KNOW WHAT?

648. THERE'S NOT A SINGLE THING

649. THE GODDAMN AIRPLANE!

650. WHY DON'T YOU GUYS WORK THIS OUT, OKAY, SERIOUSLY.

651. OH, SO NO PHOTO?

652. SO, YOU'RE OUT, THAT'S IT?

653. YEAH, I'M OUT, I'M OUT, OKAY?

654. THANKS, THANKS.

655. IS THAT YOU, HE'S... THAT'S THE ACTOR IN THE SHOW.

656. OUR TICKETS.

657. WE'RE SEEING, YOU, THE SHOW, TOMORROW NIGHT.

658. OH, YOU'RE IN THE SHOW TOMORROW NIGHT?

659. GREAT, OH, I CAN'T WAIT.

660. BECAUSE YOU WILL FAIL.

661. WHERE'S MAX BIALYSTOCK?

662. HE'LL BE HERE, HE'LL BE HERE.

663. HELLO.

664. HELLO, LARRY.

665. DANGEROUSLY NEAR ME.

666. LARRY DAVID, I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE.

667. HEY, NORM.

668. HEY, LARRY, HOW YOU DOING TODAY?

669. THE BEST DIRECTOR,

670. I DON'T KNOW, YOU ARE SO LUCKY YOU GOT HER.

671. LOOK, I GOT THE LENSES PUT IN MY MAX GLASSES, CHECK IT OUT.

672. GREAT.

673. OH, IT'S GREAT, OH I LIKE IT.

674. OH YEAH, I LIKE IT, ABSOLUTELY.

675. HUH?

676. WEARS THESE.

677. I GOT YOUR MESSAGE, BY THE WAY, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

678. YOU'RE WELCOME.

679. MY WATCH, HE FOUND MY WATCH.

680. FANTASTIC.

681. I LOST IT YESTERDAY SOMETIME, BUT ANYWAY THANK YOU SO MUCH.

682. OH, DO YOU HAVE IT NOW?

683. THAT'S FANTASTIC.

684. I KNOW, ALL DURING REHEARSAL HE WAS GOING LIKE THIS,

685. WHERE'S MY WATCH, WHERE'S MY WATCH?

686. AT THE HOTEL?

687. IS GOING ON HERE?

688. OR YOU REALLY FOUND IT?

689. NO, I FOUND IT, AND I, AND I HAD IT IN MY POCKET.

690. THIS IS, DID YOU LOOK, UH, MAYBE...

691. IN YOUR POCKET?

692. JACKET POCKET.

693. THAT JACKET.

694. WHAT, YOU LOST THE WATCH?

695. OH GEE, I GUESS I LOST THE WATCH, UH, I'M SORRY.

696. YOU LOST...

697. IT'S IN THE CAB.

698. OUT OF THE POCKET.

699. WELL, IF THAT HAPPENED THEN...

700. OFF IN THE CAB?

701. NO.

702. WELL, I'M JUST TRYING TO COMPREHEND THIS, YOU,

703. IN YOUR HANDS, CORRECT?

704. YEAH, SORRY.

705. WELL, YOU OWE ME A WATCH.

706. WHAT, ARE YOU NUTS?

707. YOU DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A WATCH TO BEGIN WITH,

708. SO YOU'RE IN THE SAME POSITION YOU WERE, THERE'S NO CHANGE.

709. UH, IT'S A LITTLE DIFFERENT, YOU HAD MY WATCH,

710. MY WATCH AND NOW YOU DON'T.

711. LOST WATCH.

712. THE WATCH WAS LOST?

713. TO BE LOST.

714. WHAT CAN I SAY, I'M, I'M...

715. YOU CAN SAY, YOU CAN SAY I'M SORRY

716. AND I'LL BUY YOU A NEW WATCH.

717. BUY YOU A NEW WATCH?

718. YEAH.

719. IT WAS A LOST WATCH, YOU DIDN'T HAVE THE WATCH, RIGHT?

720. ABSOLUTELY, NO.

721. HE FOUND THE WATCH, SO HE HAD THE WATCH.

722. THE WATCH AND...

723. THE WATCH WAS THERE, HE HAD IT.

724. DAVID LOST THE WATCH.

725. DAVID LOST THE WATCH, WHO FOUND THE WATCH?

726. THIS UPSET NOW?

727. HE'S UPSET, HE'S SO EMOTIONAL.

728. IT'S NOT YOUR WATCH.

729. HE DID NOT INTENTIONALLY LOSE IT.

730. 'CAUSE HE LOST IT FIRST...

731. POSSESSION IS 9/10ths...

732. NEVER BEEN LOST...

733. HEY, HEY, ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT,

734. WE MUST GO ON HERE, WE HAVE A SHOW TO DO.

735. GOT TO GET ALONG,

736. MAX AND LEO LOVE EACH OTHER,

737. THAT'S THE SUCCESS OF THIS MUSICAL IS THAT JOURNEY,

738. SUCCESSFUL PRODUCERS,

739. WONDERFUL FRIENDS.

740. NOW, WE CAN'T LET

741. COME INTO THIS SHOW.

742. YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ME.

743. ALRIGHT?

744. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

745. OH, I'M JUST

746. IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE BUILDING A SAND CASTLE ON THE TABLE.

747. WELL, LET'S START TO READ.

748. NOW, UH FELLAS, THE ONE THING

749. THAT OPENING SCENE.

750. OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?

751. I JUST GOTTA WASH MY HANDS, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

752. I DON'T KNOW, WE NEED TO GET STARTED.

753. HAVE YOU NOTICED?

754. LET ME SAY ONE THING.

755. DOING STUFF LIKE THIS?

756. I HAVE NOTICED AND HE'S WASHING HIS HANDS MORE AND MORE.

757. THEY WASH THEIR HANDS.

758. IT'S A QUIRK, YOU KNOW, PEOPLE HAVE QUIRKS.

759. OKAY.

760. ALRIGHT, SO NOW ABOUT THAT FIRST SCENE, THE THING IS,

761. THAT SCENE FORWARD.

762. LARRY? YEAH.

763. YES, SO YOU'VE GOT TO PICK UP THE CUES.

764. ALRIGHT, WHY DON'T WE GO TO PAGE NINE IN THE SCRIPT,

765. SEE IF WE CAN GET STARTED HERE.

766. YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT LIKE I LOST IT ON PURPOSE, DID I?

767. I KNOW, HE'S, LIKE, A LITTLE CRAZY OR SOMETHING.

768. IT IN THE RIVER OR SOMETHING?

769. WELL, I MEAN, OF COURSE,

770. I GOT IT FOR HIM.

771. I KNOW, I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND THAT.

772. THAT'S SO CRAZY. SO CRAZY, SO CRAZY.

773. LARRY.

774. OH!

775. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING BUT I CAN'T DO THIS BIT, NATHAN,

776. I'M CRAZY, AND I CAN'T, WELL, WHY DID I SAY?

777. STOP IT, JUST STOP IT, I SAID STOP IT!

778. NOW STAND UP!

779. AND GO OUT THERE.

780. YOU CAN DO IT!

781. DON'T EVEN LOOK BACK!

782. HEY.

783. GO OVER THERE?

784. WHAT, TO THE THEATER?

785. YEAH.

786. ARE YOU CRAZY, IT'S, WE'VE GOT LIKE, AN HOUR AND A HALF.

787. AH, I THOUGHT I'D GET THERE A LITTLE EARLIER.

788. NO, I'M GONNA DO SOME STRETCHING AND...

789. ALRIGHT.

790. OF WARM-UP, OR... ?

791. WARM-UP?

792. LIKE WHAT, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

793. LIKE STRETCHING, UH... ?

794. STRETCHING?

795. NEVER MIND.

796. HEY, WHAT ABOUT, UM...

797. REIMBURSING ME FOR THE WATCH?

798. YOUR WATCH WAS MISSING.

799. I MEAN, WE'VE GONE OVER THIS, BUT...

800. IF I DIDN'T FIND YOUR WATCH IN THE FIRST PLACE,

801. THEN IT'S NOT MINE TO LOSE.

802. WHO HAD IT LAST?

803. YOU'RE IN THE SAME POSITION NOW AS WHEN I STARTED.

804. BLAMED FOR IT?

805. I, I JUST DON'T KNOW, I MEAN, YOU HAD IT.

806. YOU LOST YOUR WATCH.

807. LET'S NOT GET INTO IT, WE HAVE A SHOW TO DO, OKAY?

808. AND BY THE WAY.

809. YEAH?

810. THAT MY SEAT WASN'T IN THE UPRIGHT POSITION, RIGHT?

811. OKAY, I'LL SEE YOU, OKAY?

812. LARRY DAVID.

813. I.

814. I'M A NERVOUS WRECK.

815. OH NO, THIS'LL BE EXCITING, YOU'RE GONNA BE GREAT.

816. I'M GONNA DESTROY YOUR ENTIRE SHOW, DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

817. OH PLEASE, NO, YOU'RE DOING A GREAT JOB, THEY'RE GONNA LOVE YOU.

818. YOU'RE GONNA GET OUT THERE AND HAVE, OH, THEY'RE JUST GONNA...

819. PEOPLE DISLIKE ME INTENSELY?

820. YOU'LL DO GREAT, OH.

821. NOT GONNA LOVE ME.

822. YES, THEY ARE GONNA LOVE YOU.

823. MEL NEVER WOULD'VE LET YOU DO THE SHOW.

824. HERE SO EARLY?

825. OH, I HAVE TO GET HERE EARLY EVERY, UGH, SINGLE NIGHT,

826. I DO HAVE RITUALS.

827. OH, YOU GOT SOME OCDC'S, OH, REALLY?

828. YEAH, LOTS OF THEM.

829. WHAT DO YOU GOT?

830. OH GOD, PACING, THEN I HAD PETAL COUNTING...

831. YEAH, I THINK I'M GONNA BANG MY HEAD AGAINST THE WALL,

832. MAYBE 50 TIMES.

833. YOU DON'T WANNA DO THAT, LARRY.

834. NO, I DO, I'M GONNA BANG IT AGAINST THE WALL,

835. 'CAUSE MY MOTHER WHEN I WAS GROWING UP,

836. YOU KNOW, GO BANG YOUR HEAD AGAINST THE WALL.

837. LITERALLY AND I DID,

838. AGAINST THE WALL.

839. I THINK THAT'S WHY I GOT THIS CONDITION IN THE FIRST PLACE,

840. TO MY MOTHER.

841. THANK YOU, BY THE WAY,

842. WITH THE GUY WITH THE HANDBAG, THAT WAS DANGEROUS.

843. DANGEROUS.

844. I DIDN'T THINK SO.

845. OH.

846. HONESTLY.

847. NO, YOU'RE SO SWEET.

848. YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T EVEN THINK TWICE ABOUT IT.

849. HONEST TO GOD.

850. THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

851. WELL, THANKS.

852. THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN MUCH.

853. IF I DIDN'T GO INTO SHOW BUSINESS, I WAS...

854. BECOME A FIREMAN.

855. HMM.

856. ALRIGHT.

857. I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THAT 10th ANNIVERSARY PRESENT OF YOURS.

858. YOU WANNA COME IN?

859. SURE.

860. CLOSE THE DOOR.

861. MMM...

862. WHAT IS THAT?

863. WHAT? WHO IS THAT?

864. WHO IS THAT?

865. WHAT?

866. IS THAT BUSH?

867. YEAH.

868. HMM.

869. YOU'VE GOT A PICTURE OF BUSH IN YOUR DRESSING ROOM?

870. YEAH.

871. HMM.

872. YOU'RE A REPUBLICAN?

873. YES, LARRY, I'M A REPUBLICAN.

874. UGH.

875. WERE YOU THINKING?

876. A PICTURE OF BUSH, WHO GIVES A FLYING FUCK?

877. I'D FUCK HER WITH A BUSH MASK ON.

878. GLASSES ARE OKAY?

879. DID I, I THINK I MADE A MISTAKE,

880. I LOOK LIKE I'M ABOUT 85 YEARS OLD IN THIS COSTUME,

881. I SWEAR TO GOD, LOOK AT ME.

882. NO, YOU LOOK GREAT.

883. WHO'S THIS?

884. HELLO?

885. ANDY, THEY'RE AT THE WILL CALL WINDOW!

886. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING?

887. I LEFT THEM THERE.

888. ARE YOU, ARE YOU CRAZY, I CAN'T GO OUT,

889. I'VE GOT MY COSTUME ON, I'M NOT GONNA GO OUT THERE.

890. QUIET DOWN, ALRIGHT.

891. I'LL BE THERE IN A MINUTE.

892. STUPID COUSIN ANDY, YOU KNOW, THE TICKET,

893. THEY DON'T HAVE IT AT THE WILL CALL WINDOW.

894. SHIT, DO ME A FAVOR AND HELP ME WITH THIS, WILL YOU?

895. HOW DID YOU GET THIS ON?

896. I CAN'T EVEN FIGURE IT OUT.

897. I KNOW.

898. LET ME GO DOWN, I'LL GO DOWN.

899. AH, I CAN'T, I GOTTA TAKE CARE OF THIS.

900. THEY DON'T HAVE THEM.

901. HUH?

902. THEY DON'T HAVE MY TICKETS, I ASKED.

903. SHH, QUIET DOWN.

904. WHY DIDN'T YOU GIVE THEM TO ME AT THE HOTEL?

905. MY NAME?

906. NOW, HOW WOULD I KNOW TO ASK YOUR NAME?

907. YOU SAID THEY'D BE UNDER MY NAME.

908. WELL, HONEST TO GOD, THIS...

909. EXCUSE ME, I'M SORRY, EXCUSE ME.

910. HEY, HEY, HEY, THERE'S A LINE HERE.

911. NO, NO, I JUST, I JUST NEED ONE TICKET.

912. YEAH, I KNOW, BUT THERE'S A LINE HERE.

913. OF THE LINE.

914. NO, NO, I'M IN THE SHOW, I'M BIALYSTOCK.

915. I DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE, GO TO THE BACK OF THE LINE.

916. THANK YOU. THAT IS SO RUDE.

917. ALRIGHT, HERE.

918. THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, OKAY, I'LL SEE YOU AFTER, OKAY?

919. WE'LL GO FOR COFFEE.

920. HEY.

921. HEY, THANK YOU FOR THE TICKET.

922. OH, YOU'RE VERY WELCOME.

923. YEAH, VERY GOOD, IT HAS YOUR NAME ON IT EVEN,

924. LARRY DAVID, THAT'S YOU.

925. HUH?

926. OH YEAH, ALMOST SHOWTIME, HUH?

927. THAT WATCH?

928. OH, I, I, I FOUND IT.

929. YEAH, IN THE HOTEL, RIGHT?

930. YEAH, YEAH, I FOUND IT IN THE HOTEL.

931. YEAH, OKAY, I'M, I'M SORRY TO TELL YOU THIS,

932. BUT THAT'S DAVID SCHWIMMER'S WATCH.

933. NO, NO, I FOUND IT, IT'S MY WATCH.

934. YEAH, NO, I KNOW YOU FOUND IT,

935. IN THE HOTEL, RIGHT?

936. YES, YES.

937. YEAH, OKAY, IT BELONGS TO DAVID SCHWIMMER.

938. NO, NO, FINDERS KEEPERS.

939. FINDERS KEEPERS, NO, NO, NOT FINDERS KEEPERS,

940. THAT'S NOT RIGHT. BECAUSE I FOUND IT.

941. NO, I KNOW YOU DID, BUT IT'S NOT YOUR WATCH.

942. IT'S FINDERS KEEPERS, IT'S SO MY WATCH NOW.

943. OKAY, OKAY FINE.

944. THANK YOU. YOU'RE WELCOME.

945. HEY. HEY.

946. 20 MINUTES BEFORE THE SHOW FIGHTING WITH A SIKH?

947. IT'S TOO LONG A STORY, I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE,

948. I CAN'T TALK NOW, I'M SO SORRY, I GOTTA...

949. NO, OKAY, OKAY, HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.

950. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.

951. AND HOW DID IT GO?

952. HOW DID THE, UH, ANNIVERSARY GIFT GO, DID YOU CASH IN?

953. OH. ALAS, I DID NOT, NO.

954. IT DIDN'T HAPPEN?

955. NO, BUT I'LL STILL HAVE AN HOUR AFTER THE SHOW ENDS.

956. OKAY, YEAH, YEAH.

957. OH NO, NO, YOU STILL HAVE AN HOUR, OKAY,

958. YOU SHOULD GET GOING.

959. GOOD LUCK.

960. I GOTTA GO.

961. HEY. HEY.

962. WHAT ARE YOU, ARE YOU KIDDING?

963. HUH?

964. LOOK A LITTLE FAMILIAR.

965. WHERE DID YOU, HOW, WHAT HAPPENED?

966. FROM THE HOTEL HAD IT ON.

967. OUT IN THE LOBBY.

968. FOR IT.

969. UGH, WELL, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

970. I'M SORRY ABOUT, UH, I MEAN,

971. A LITTLE, UH...

972. WELL, I WENT TOO, I'M SORRY TOO.

973. WELL, UH, HEY, BREAK A LEG.

974. YOU TOO, MAN.

975. HEY, LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.

976. THE BRIDGE RIGHT?

977. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

978. EDIFICATION,

979. TO THAT STEWARDESS?

980. JUST, DID YOU TELL HER ABOUT THE SEAT NOT BEING UPRIGHT?

981. WHAT?

982. YOU'RE REALLY SOMETHING.

983. OH NO!

984. NO, NO, I...

985. S-T-U-N-N-E-D.

986. STUNNED!

987. YOU GUYS ARE TERRIFIC, YOU LOOK GREAT.

988. OH.

989. AND YOU LOOK LIKE BLOOM.

990. WHAT'S YOUR FIRST LINE?

991. UH, THE REVIEWS COME OUT A LOT FASTER WHEN,

992. LEAVE AT INTERMISSION.

993. PERFECT.

994. AND YOUR FIRST, IS WHEN HE COMES IN AND THEN HE SCARES YOU,

995. YEAH, AND I SAY, SCARED, CAN'T TALK.

996. PERFECT, THIS IS GONNA BE FABULOUS, BREAK LEGS,

997. THANK YOU, THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING, MEL,

998. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

999. O-V-E-R-T-U-R-E, HERE IT?

1000. OVERTURE.

1001. OKAY, GOOD LUCK, DON'T BREAK ANYTHING.

1002. MADE UP FOR MAX BIALYSTOCK.

1003. LEAVE AT INTERMISSION.

1004. BY THE END OF FUNNY BOY,

1005. MAX BIALYSTOCK'S HOPELESS NEW MUSICAL OF HAMLET,

1006. EVERYBODY IS DEAD.

1007. THE LUCKY ONES.

1008. THE BEST REVIEW WE GOT.

1009. IT'S GOOD TO BE THE KING.

1010. SUCH REVIEWS.

1011. INSULT ME IN THIS MANNER?

1012. I AM MAX BIALYSTOCK,

1013. SUMMER STOCK IN THE WINTER.

1014. YOU'VE ALL HEARD OF THEATER IN THE ROUND?

1015. YOU'RE LOOKING AT THE MAN WHO INVENTED THEATER IN THE SQUARE.

1016. A GOOD SEAT.

1017. IN THE THEATER.

1018. BORIS TOMACHEUSKY.

1019. YES, HE TAUGHT ME EVERYTHING I KNOW.

1020. I'LL NEVER FORGET.

1021. HIS DEATHBED AND SAID,

1022. MAXELLA...

1023. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

1024. I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T SPEAK YIDDISH.

1025. STRANGELY ENOUGH, NEITHER DID HE.

1026. WHAT HE WAS SAYING,

1027. YOU'RE DOWN AND OUT

1028. YOU'RE FINISHED,

1029. THAT'S THE TIME TO STAND ON YOUR TWO FEET AND SHOUT,

1030. TO GET A BREAK IN THIS TOWN?

1031. HELLO?

1032. ANYBODY HERE?

1033. MR. BIALYSTOCK.

1034. AH!

1035. WHO ARE YOU?

1036. WHAT DO YOU WANT?

1037. DOING HERE?

1038. SPEAK TO ME, DUMMY, SPEAK.

1039. WHY DON'T YOU SPEAK?

1040. SCARED, CAN'T TALK.

1041. ALRIGHT, CALM DOWN.

1042. RELAX, GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF.

1043. TAKE A DEEP BREATH.

1044. AHH...

1045. WHO ARE YOU?

1046. I'M LEOPOLD BLOOM, I'M AN ACCOUNTANT.

1047. I'M FROM WHITEHALL AND MARX.

1048. I'VE COME HERE TO DO YOUR BOOKS.

1049. OH, YOU HAVE, HAVE YOU?

1050. NOW, LET'S SEE.

1051. IF WE ADD THESE DEDUCTIONS, WE GET, UH, OH.

1052. IT'S ABSOLUTELY AMAZING.

1053. WITH A HIT.

1054. YES, IT'S QUITE POSSIBLE.

1055. THAT THE SHOW WOULD FAIL,

1056. MAKE A FORTUNE.

1057. YES?

1058. YES, WHAT?

1059. WERE SAYING.

1060. KEEP TALKING.

1061. WHAT WAS I SAYING?

1062. THE RIGHT CIRCUMSTANCES,

1063. YOU WERE SAYING, THAT UNDER THE RIGHT CIRCUMSTANCES...

1064. WHAT WAS I SAYING?

1065. CIRCUMSTANCES...

1066. CIRCUMSTANCES...

1067. WHAT?

1068. THAT'S THE QUESTION.

1069. WHAT?

1070. BOY, YOU GOT A NICE, HEALTHY HEAD OF HAIR THERE,

1071. YOU KNOW THAT? LOOK AT THAT.

1072. IT'S LIKE A PELT.

1073. UH, I DIDN'T REALLY GET THE GOOD SHAVE TODAY, YOU KNOW.

1074. I DON'T KNOW WHY, I'M AN EXCELLENT SHAVER.

1075. FEEL THIS CHEEK, BLOOM, FEEL MY CHEEK.

1076. IT'S LIKE A TUSH, IS THAT NOT A TUSH?

1077. I GOT A TUSHY CHEEK.

1078. BOY OH BOY.

1079. PLEASE, MR. BIALYSTOCK, UM, I'VE DISCOVERED THAT A MAN

1080. A FLOP THAN HE COULD WITH A HIT.

1081. DOES, DOES THAT BRING ANY SCHEME TO MIND?

1082. YEAH, YOU EVER PLAY THIS GAME?

1083. I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY.

1084. YOU DON'T COME TO THEATER WITH A HAT.

1085. IT'S NOT A HAT, IT'S A TURBAN.

1086. YOU DON'T WEAR A HAT TO THE THEATER.

1087. IT'S NOT A, IT'S NOT A HAT.

1088. TAKE YOUR HAT OFF.

1089. I WON'T TAKE MY TURBAN OFF.

1090. I CAN'T SEE WHAT I'M SEEING.

1091. THE TICKETS.

1092. AND TRY TO WATCH.

1093. NO, NO, FINE.

1094. I WATCH, YOU DON'T.

1095. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS IS MY COUSIN, ANDY.

1096. OF INCEST.

1097. OF COURSE, AMONG FRIENDS AND RELATIVES,

1098. AFFECTIONATE NICKNAME,

1099. FOR ANTI-SEMITISM.

1100. UNFORTUNATELY, I KNOW

1101. THE ONLY WAY WE'RE GOING

1102. FROZEN DINNER ON HIS LAP.

1103. WAIT, LET'S GO BACK.

1104. YEAH, LET'S GO. THIS IS FUNNY.

1105. I KNOW HE'S QUITE PARTIAL TO THE SALISBURY STEAK.

1106. YOU KNOW, THERE MIGHT BE, UH, AN

1107. BECAUSE, UH, IF ANY OF YOU

1108. IN NEW YORK, AND I KNOW THEY ARE VERY HARD TO FIND,

1109. HIS MOUTH.

1110. THERE'S A LOT OF ROOM IN THERE.

1111. A LOT OF ROOM.

1112. LIVING IN THERE, UH,

1113. BUT HE LEFT AND, UH, HE'S NOW RENTING SOME SPACE

1114. UNDER THE SIKH'S TURBAN.

1115. BUT THE TURBAN, IT HAS ALL KINDS OF PRACTICAL APPLICATIONS.

1116. IT'S A TOURNIQUET, IT MAKES A LOVELY SASH,

1117. PIN THE TAIL ON THE DONKEY, YOU'VE GOT A BLINDFOLD.

1118. ALRIGHT, WHAT WAS I SAYING?

1119. WHAT WAS I SAYING?

1120. I SAYING?

1121. UNDER THE RIGHT CIRCUMSTANCES,

1122. A FLOP THAN HE COULD WITH A HIT.

1123. IT'S QUITE POSSIBLE.

1124. YES, YOU KEEP SAYING THAT, BUT YOU DON'T SAY HOW.

1125. WELL, IT'S SIMPLY A MATTER OF CREATIVE ACCOUNTING.

1126. LET'S ASSUME FOR A MOMENT THAT YOU ARE A DISHONEST MAN.

1127. ASSUME AWAY.

1128. ON THEIR FACES,

1129. EVERY LINE HE HAD?

1130. HE WENT UP, UP IN SMOKE.

1131. GOD, I'M SO GLAD, I'M SO THANKFUL,

1132. IS GOING TO BE OVER.

1133. WE'RE GONNA GET OUR LIVES BACK.

1134. FROM THE ANCHOR,

1135. OF THE PRODUCERS,

1136. EVERY SINGLE MINUTE,

1137. OF EVERY DAY.

1138. TRAPPING US...

1139. IN CLEVELAND.

1140. IN DIRTY BEDS IN PITTSBURGH.

1141. WE'RE FREE, FREE AT LAST.

1142. I KNOW. ISN'T IT WONDERFUL?

1143. HE COULD RUIN THE SHOW?

1144. HOW?

1145. THE MINUTE I LAID EYES ON HIM, I SAID, THIS GUY'S A DISASTER.

1146. HE'S A LIVING DISASTER, HE'S A STORM.

1147. HE'S LIKE A STORM THAT WILL DESTROY EVERYTHING IN ITS PATH.

1148. I MEAN, HE'S GOT THIS GIFT.

1149. HE DOOMS.

1150. HE'S A LITTLE CYCLONE, A LITTLE TORNADO,

1151. THE ST. JAMES THEATER.

1152. I KNOW.

1153. ANY MINUTE NOW, THE SHOW WILL BE DEAD.

1154. HERE, A TOAST TO THE DEATH OF THE PRODUCERS.

1155. MAY IT REST IN PEACE.

1156. INNKEEPER, INNKEEPER, ANOTHER ROUND OF DRINKS HERE.

1157. AS A MATTER OF FACT,

1158. FOR EVERYBODY IN THE PLACE.

1159. HERE'S TO FAILURE.

1160. OH, THANK YOU.

1161. THAT'S VERY KIND OF YOU.

1162. PARTNERS, LEO.

1163. ALL THE WAY,

1164. WILL EVER COME BETWEEN US.

1165. NO ONE, MAX.

1166. COME IN.

1167. BIALYSTOCK AND BLOOM.

1168. WHAT?

1169. EXCUSE ME,

1170. SWEDISH.

1171. CASTING... TODAY?

1172. COSTING?

1173. COST?

1174. OH, CASTING.

1175. UH, NO, I'M, I'M SORRY, UH, MISS.

1176. THERE'S NO CASTING TODAY.

1177. UH, ACTUALLY, THERE VERY WELL COULD BE CASTING TODAY.

1178. COME IN, COME IN.

1179. AAGH FUCK!

1180. IT'S INTERMISSION, QUICK, HIDE YOUR FACES.

1181. THEY'LL TEAR US TO PIECES.

1182. I'LL HAVE A MANHATTAN.

1183. TWO WHISKEY SOURS.

1184. I'VE SEEN ON BROADWAY.

1185. I'VE NEVER LAUGHED SO HARD IN MY LIFE.

1186. ABSOLUTELY HYSTERICAL.

1187. I'D SPLIT MY SIDES.

1188. HONEY, DON'T PANIC.

1189. OF SHOWS ON THIS STREET.

1190. AND THE PRODUCERS.

1191. WOULD BE SO HYSTERICAL.

1192. LET'S GET BACK.

1193. IF HE'S AS BRILLIANT

1194. AS HE IS IN THE FIRST,

1195. THE SHOW'S GONNA RUN FOR ANOTHER FIVE YEARS.

1196. GOT TO THINK.

1197. GOT TO THINK.

1198. NO WAY OUT.

1199. NO WAY OUT.

1200. NO WAY OUT.

1201. HONEY...

1202. NO WAY OUT. LISTEN...

1203. NOW WAY OUT, NO WAY OUT.

1204. PORTION OF THE AUDIENCE.

1205. LET'S GO BACK AND SEE WHAT THE MAJORITY HAS TO SAY.

1206. YES. MAJORITY?

1207. COME ON. LET.

1208. LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE MAJORITY.

1209. SURE, MAJORITY, MAJORITY.

1210. YES, WE'LL HEAR FROM THE MAJORITY.

1211. THE MAJORITY?

1212. THE MAJORITY.

1214. Captioned by