Curb Your Enthusiasm 12x3

1. That's a long flight, man.

2. Long flight. Yeah.

3. - Whew! - Brutal.

4. Hey, Larry, I see you.

5. Keep fighting for us.

6. Okay.

7. - Huh? How 'bout that? - Hero.

8. My people showing you fucking love, Larry.

9. Larry David?

10. Oh my God, it's Larry David!

11. - Sorry, I'm Sienna Miller. - Yeah, I know.

12. I can't believe I'm seeing you.

13. I've just been watching you on the news.

14. How crazy is this, right? It's crazy.

15. So insane.

16. Well, thank you, on behalf of everybody who has a heart.

17. Hey, Larry! Good job!

18. Hey!

19. Anyway, I cannot believe that I've bumped into you.

20. It's bashert.

21. Bashert.

22. - Where'd you get that from? - Pretty good, huh?

23. Yeah, pretty good.

24. - Bye, Larry. - Bye.

25. Keep in touch.

26. Oh!

27. Keep in touch?

28. You saw that? Sienna Miller, she was flirting with me,

29. - was she not? Huh? - Saw that shit. Yup.

30. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity,

31. but because of Irma, there's nothing I can do.

32. - Yeah. - It's such a waste, really.

33. Yup. - Sienna Miller, my God.

34. - How's that bagel? - Fucking great, man.

35. You know what? I'm not gonna eat this.

36. Hmm.

37. Think I'll give it to that guy. What do you think?

38. If it's in your heart, you do it.

39. Hey, you want a bagel?

40. Yeah.

41. No! No, no, no, no, no! Stop, stop, stop, stop!

42. Thanks, man.

43. - Fluke! - Oh my God.

44. It's fluke! - What are you doing?

45. - What's the matter with you? - I got "fluke" in three.

46. What are you shouting it out for?

47. - I'm a genius. It's a talent. - Fluke? Who does that?

48. It's so rude. It's so disrespectful.

49. It's like sneezing in someone's face.

50. You just ruined our day.

51. - I'm going to an AA meeting. - This is crazy.

52. No, you would never have gotten it.

53. - I would've got it. - I had to help you with "vulva,"

54. - remember? - I know vulva.

55. Uh-huh. - That's a great car.

56. No, it's not a car.

57. It's one of the safest cars out there.

58. You never would've gotten fluke.

59. Hey, don't do that again.

60. You never would've gotten it.

61. I would've got it. Oh, get over it!

62. Such a shitty thing to do.

63. She's something else, man. Yeah.

64. What the hell? Come on!

65. I just saw your balls!

66. They're hanging out with those shorts! What is that?

67. Just swivel back. Swivel back.

68. Oh my God. What's with those shorts?

69. What is it about my balls that bother you like this?

70. Everything. Balls are disgusting. They're hideous.

71. It's like the elephant man under your penis.

72. I think the brain and the balls are related.

73. If you take a magnifying glass and you put it on your balls,

74. it's the same pattern as the brain.

75. That's why people say you're thinking with your dick.

76. You know,

77. every now and then you say something so stupid,

78. - but it actually makes sense. - Of course it makes sense.

79. All right, I'm getting out of here.

80. Where you going at?

81. You know Duane Tubman next door?

82. Yeah, yeah, Tubman.

83. His father just died.

84. Oh.

85. Hey, you give him my deepest condolences.

86. I don't know, I feel like I should go over

87. and pay my respects or something.

88. You know, it always helps to be

89. on good terms with your neighbor.

90. That's right.

91. All right, okay. You know what? I just got another glimpse.

92. Honestly, that one was on purpose!

93. Uh, very... yeah.

94. Uh, so... yeah. Sorry.

95. Ah. Yeah. Mm. Yeah.

96. Sorry. Sorry. So sorry.

97. - Hey. - Oh.

98. Larry, thank you so much for coming.

99. Of course. Hey, this is what neighbors do, right?

100. We have each other's backs. Come on.

101. Yeah. By the way, I was really touched

102. - by what you did in Atlanta. - You know what?

103. Coming from a Tubman, I take that as a great compliment.

104. Okay.

105. Anyway, very sorry to hear about your father.

106. Thank you. Well, father-in-law, but thank you.

107. Ah. Really?

108. Yeah. - I thought it was your father.

109. No, it's Lorraine's.

110. - Father-in-law? - Yeah.

111. All right. Yes.

112. Well, that's, you know... That's a...

113. That's a little better.

114. Well, it's my father-in-law. It's a loss.

115. Duane, of course it's a loss, but...

116. - You know, it's not your dad. - Larry, it's a human being.

117. Yeah, yeah, of course. I know that.

118. I'm just trying to delineate the differences

119. between a father and a father-in-law.

120. - It's a very sad thing. - Terrible loss for your wife,

121. but...

122. - Your dad's still alive? - Yeah.

123. - Oh, well, there you go. - Yeah, that's a gift.

124. Yeah. And you know, it's like if you have a dog

125. - and your dog dies, and then... - I'm sorry, did you say a dog?

126. Yeah, a dog. Okay, say your dog dies,

127. that's one thing. That's— that's terrible.

128. But if your friend's dog dies, it's not quite the same.

129. - Okay. - But anyway,

130. is your wife around? Lorraine? Is she here? Can I talk to her?

131. - Maybe we just let her rest. - Okay.

132. Will you tell her how sorry I am about her dad?

133. Are you? Because it doesn't really sound like it.

134. Between you and me, my condolences

135. aren't quite as deep as the average person's.

136. I'm picking that up.

137. Yeah, it's like people telling each other they love them. That kind of thing.

138. "Sorry" is in that kind of category.

139. "I'm sorry."I love you." They're the same. Okay.

140. They're interchangeable, really. Nobody means it.

141. - "I love you." Oh. - Nobody means it?

142. - No. - Of course people mean it.

143. Nah, nobody means it.

144. But, um, anyway, are you sure Lorraine's not around?

145. I'm positive.

146. Got enough food and everything?

147. Can I get you some bagels and, uh, and lox?

148. No, I think we're good.

149. - Do you like a bagel? - There are a lot of people here.

150. - Ah. - So I'm gonna...

151. - I'm picking up on that cue. - Yeah.

152. Of course. Of course.

153. Actually, Larry, um, there's one thing.

154. I wanted to talk to you about the lemon tree.

155. The lemon tree? Yeah.

156. Along the fence. It's back there.

157. - It's given us so many lemons over the years. - Oh, the one that hangs

158. - over my yard and... yeah. - Yeah. Yeah.

159. The roots, they're damaging my pipes,

160. so we gotta do something about this tree.

161. Don't worry about the research. I'll look into it.

162. I'll get an estimate, we'll sit down,

163. and we'll split the cost

164. of the tree maintenance...

165. and we can keep enjoying these lemons.

166. Split the cost of the tree?

167. Duane. I mean, you know, come on.

168. It's your tree. It's on your side.

169. It's our tree.

170. - It's not our tree. - Let me get this right.

171. So it's... it's our tree when you want lemons,

172. and it's my tree when we have to take care of it and maintain it.

173. I want some lemons? I don't want lemons.

174. You think I need lemons in my life?

175. I can go the rest of my life without touching a lemon.

176. No lemons for life.

177. I put it on a piece of fish occasionally.

178. What're you gonna substitute for lemons?

179. - A grapefruit. - A grapefruit?

180. - Yeah. - You're gonna put grapefruit on fish?

181. Yeah, I've put grapefruits on fish.

182. When?

183. Okay, I haven't actually put it on,

184. but I've thought about it.

185. - Really? - Yeah.

186. My point is lemons are a fungible citrus.

187. Just look around the room. Okay? We've suffered a loss.

188. Eh, you lost your father-in-law.

189. I'd appreciate you stepping up

190. and being a neighbor and paying for half

191. - of this tree maintenance. - Sure, yeah.

192. - Thank you for coming out. - Hm.

193. Alright.

194. Had I known that it was his father-in-law,

195. I never would've gone to the house in the first place.

196. No. And this lemon thing.

197. By the way, you know, he's a descendant of Harriet Tubman.

198. Well, you'd think his ancestors would be ashamed of him

199. that he would come after you for something like that.

200. You know, the lemons drop, what am I supposed to do?

201. - Right! - Throw 'em back over the fence?

202. This person's a Tubman in name only.

203. You know what? Maybe he's not even a Tubman.

204. 'Cause I can't imagine a Tubman

205. behaving like this.

206. You know the cruel irony of this, right?

207. You're being railroaded.

208. Oh my God.

209. - It's nuts! - Hello!

210. - Hey! - Hi. Sorry we're late.

211. - Hey! - Hey. Hi.

212. Susie, we have something for you.

213. What? What? What is it?

214. Since you were away on your birthday.

215. Now? You want me to open it now?

216. - Are you ready? - Yeah.

217. Hey, hey, wait a second.

218. We— No, no, there's other— there's other presents here.

219. - I know, but this is really important. - No, you'll understand.

220. This'll make sense in one minute.

221. That's not fair.

222. - I'm scared, what is it? - Happy birthday.

223. Oh my God!

224. Oh, wow. Yes.

225. Isn't he the cutest thing you've ever seen, Susie?

226. Oh, he's beautiful.

227. Susie, he loves you!

228. - Yes! Oh my God! - Beautiful. Beautiful.

229. This is the best birthday present

230. I've ever got. I love you two.

231. - Oh, we love you, too. - You're the greatest friends.

232. You know, uh, we have a present, too.

233. We have something, too.

234. - Thank you so much. What is it? - Well, look.

235. - What is that? - A Theragun.

236. - What's that? - Larry got it for you.

237. - Oh, yeah. - Thank you, Larr.

238. - Theraguns, they're great. - You ever use one of these?

239. No, I haven't.

240. They're good for your health.

241. Good, I look forward to it.

242. That's a hell of a gift, by the way.

243. I'm gonna go get him some water. He's probably thirsty.

244. Yeah. - He's been in that box.

245. I'd like a Theragun.

246. So food good? Everybody happy?

247. Oh, the food is amazing, as always.

248. Freddy, you're not... you're not vegan now, right?

249. No, no, I like the chicken.

250. - 'Cause you're looking fantastic. - That's so nice of you to say.

251. Really, it's just been a little bit of SoulCycle, some walking,

252. and I've been having a lot of sex with my neighbor's wife.

253. - Whoa! - What?

254. Come on.

255. Yes. My neighbors, the Harringtons, Lydia and Ron.

256. She wants to have a baby.

257. Turns out Ron is not capable. She can't get pregnant.

258. Blanks. Shooting blanks. Right.

259. So they say, "Freddy, we would love it

260. if you could get Lydia pregnant."

261. - Wow! - Hold on. Hold on.

262. That's crazy. Come on.

263. They think the baby's gonna be healthier

264. if there's really a connection that happens during intercourse.

265. I can't even believe it.

266. This gets weirder. What?

267. So I say, "Yes." They say, "Terrific.

268. How's tonight work? She's ovulating tonight."

269. And what they say to me is, "Here's how it's gonna work."

270. 'Cause there's rules. They want boundaries.

271. Keep it kind of clinical. But guess what happens?

272. - What happens? - When the shit gets lit up,

273. there's no goddamn rules.

274. You know what I mean?

275. She comes in the door, and it's on.

276. Wow.

277. I mean, we do it at my house on the Funk-O-Matic.

278. Oh, wow.

279. We're biting butts. We're— we're biting ears.

280. This is fucking crazy.

281. It's some of the best sex I've ever had in my life.

282. And she loves her husband?

283. She's 100 percent in love with her husband.

284. Do you give her a climax?

285. - Well, I don't know. - How would you not know?

286. I don't ask. Do you smell musk?

287. The sex musk you release is great for conception.

288. I release a lot of sex musk. Don't I, Larry?

289. I mean—

290. Oh, puppy!

291. Oh, puppy. Where's my little boy?

292. I'm gonna make a toast here. I don't mind, I have a mocktail.

293. - Sure. - Okay.

294. Because I'm sober.

295. - And cheers to that. - Cheers to that.

296. You want a sip? You want a sip?

297. That's very funny. Very funny. Aww...

298. Oh my goodness.

299. Okay, so I decided what we're gonna name him.

300. What's that? Yeah?

301. - Frankie, after Sinatra. - Oh, that's cute.

302. - That's a boy? - It's a little boy.

303. I gotta say, for a male dog, it looks a tad effeminate.

304. Oh my God. Come on.

305. I think you better get that dog a pronoun.

306. Okay, Troy, three steps we're gonna work on.

307. First, rotation on the backswing.

308. Back to the target. Beautiful. Okay. That's the first piece.

309. Second piece, same rotation, that backswing.

310. Okay, up to the top and stop.

311. Nice. Okay, now here's the master move, okay?

312. Next piece, from there, we go vertical drop. Okay?

313. Horizontal tug. Nice.

314. Can you feel it with the obliques there?

315. One more time.

316. Up to the top. Feel the rotation.

317. Vertical drop.

318. Horizontal tug.

319. Hey. Can I help you?

320. Nah, I'm good.

321. Okay, uh, got a... private lesson with Troy here.

322. Yeah, yeah. Go.

323. Hey, look, if you wanna book a lesson,

324. just call the golf shop.

325. They'll be happy to set something up for you.

326. Nah, I'm good. I'm just sitting here.

327. Well, it didn't look like you were just sitting.

328. I saw the vertical drop, horizontal tug.

329. There's a bench here. I'm allowed to sit on a bench.

330. - It's not that kind of bench. - What kind of bench is it?

331. It's not a lingering bench, okay?

332. It's— it's an aesthetic bench. Okay?

333. An aesthetic bench? - Yeah.

334. No. Benches are for sitting.

335. Okay. We're gonna get back to the lesson, if you don't mind.

336. Please. Let's try it again.

337. The rotation.

338. Okay, stay in your spine angle. Now vertical drop,

339. horizontal tug. Yeah, there it is.

340. Okay, let's try one. Altogether, one piece.

341. I did Wordle again today.

342. I'm a Wordle wizard, man. I did it in three tries.

343. - Really? - Three days in a row, man.

344. Wow, you're really on a good streak.

345. I'm on a huge streak. That's right.

346. All right, let's see if I can continue my streak.

347. I know. You've been unbelievable.

348. What is this all about? How are you doing this?

349. You know why? I sat on a bench this morning

350. and overheard a lesson.

351. I've had thousands of hours of lessons.

352. Two minutes on that bench. This guy changed my life.

353. What kind of tips?

354. - Vertical drop... - Yeah.

355. Horizontal tug!

356. - Horizontal tug? - Vertical drop,

357. horizontal tug!

358. Now, I've dropped before, but I've never tugged!

359. And now I'm tugging!

360. - Maybe I should tug. - You gotta tug!

361. - Can you teach me how to tug? - I'll teach you how to tug!

362. This is fantastic.

363. - Can I tell you something? - Sure.

364. I think this is the happiest I've ever been in my life!

365. I don't even know who I'm looking at right now.

366. How is something good happening to me?

367. No one on the planet would believe that you're happy.

368. - How is this possible? - Well, I have better news for you.

369. I'm leaving you in my will.

370. I'm tweaking it, and you're in it.

371. No, no, no, don't do that.

372. It's done. You're in.

373. I don't wanna be in. I have money. I don't need it.

374. Give it to someone who needs it.

375. When I die, I want you to know how much I cared about you.

376. I'm not gonna keep it. I'm gonna give it to charity.

377. You're my best friend. You're getting it.

378. No, I'm making a Shermanesque statement

379. about the will right now.

380. I'm sick of your historical references.

381. If nominated, I will not run.

382. If bequeathed, I will not accept.

383. - Well, I'm bequeathing. - Well, I'm not accepting.

384. - Well, you'll have to accept. - Don't give it to me!

385. Don't hurt my feelings.

386. I'm not gonna keep a penny of it.

387. - You're hurting me. - Thank you, but I don't want it.

388. I'm giving it to you anyway, pal.

389. Oh my God. Fuck you!

390. What are you doing?

391. What do you mean? I'm waiting. For what?

392. Troy and Jimmy are on the fairway.

393. You're never gonna hit them.

394. You don't think I could hit them?

395. No! You've never hit the ball that far in your life.

396. Come on.

397. Really? Yeah.

398. You're never gonna hit it that far. What are you, nuts?

399. All right, shut up.

400. No, you shut up.

401. - Holy shit! - You hit him.

402. I hit him!

403. Troy, you okay?

404. - Oh my God! - How did you do that?

405. Hey! What the fuck?

406. I— I— I told you I shouldn't have fucking—

407. Hey! Larry!

408. Oh! Oh, no!

409. Hey, Troy, are you okay?

410. Slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly. Take it easy.

411. Oh my God. Oh, God. I'm so sorry.

412. What in the hell?

413. I don't know what happened. I'm so sorry.

414. Why didn't you yell "fore"?

415. Well, I couldn't yell "fore." I mean, he can't hear.

416. And what would be the point? I waved.

417. I did a lot of waving.

418. When you talk, the interpreter can hear you.

419. I know, but he was too far. He was in the car.

420. I could've grabbed him! We could have ran to the trees!

421. There was no time! The ball was coming down!

422. There's plenty of time! You yell "fore" when you hit it.

423. Superman couldn't get there in time to stop that.

424. You should've waited till we were in the clear! Why didn't you wait?

425. Because then the guys I was playing with,

426. they said, "Oh, go, go, go."

427. They embarrassed me. They said, "Oh, you can never hit him."

428. Did you do the vertical drop, horizontal tug?

429. Yeah, I did it. I did it.

430. I did the vertical drop and the horizontal tug.

431. And you know what? It really worked.

432. Look how far I hit the ball. I couldn't even believe it.

433. I'm watching you. Watching me?

434. Really? There's not much to watch, honestly.

435. I mean, I don't really go anywhere.

436. I'm home most of the time.

437. I'll do a crossword puzzle. Sometimes I'll go out to dinner.

438. I hate my life. You don't wanna witness it.

439. You're a real asshole.

440. You know what? I am so deeply

441. and profoundly sorry for what happened.

442. I really wanna make it up to you somehow.

443. Let me get you a Postmates dinner.

444. I'll send one to your house. Would you like that?

445. There's some very good restaurants on Postmates.

446. I'll have it delivered right to your door!

447. So, you don't want a Post— Hey, what did you do?

448. - Did you tell him what I just said? - Everything.

449. - You tell him about the Postmates dinner? - I did.

450. What'd you tell him? You just went like this.

451. - You didn't do anything. - That's the sign for "Postmates dinner."

452. - It took two seconds. - I'm good!

453. Oh, you didn't tell him about the Postmates dinner. Don't bullshit me.

454. Why didn't you tell him about the Postmates dinner?

455. I told him. - That's a very nice gesture!

456. Deeply and profoundly sorry, and you offer him Postmates?

457. You know he didn't tell him about the Postmates!

458. - He did. He told him. - By the way, where's my ball?

459. I don't know.

460. You don't know? - I don't know.

461. What do you mean, you don't know?

462. It hit him in the back right over here!

463. - It's up your ass, Larry! - Where's the ball?

464. - It's gone! - You took my ball?

465. Go back to the tee, hit another ball!

466. You took my ball? - Go back to the tee, hit another ball!

467. Two stroke penalty!

468. You know what? I'm gonna just drop it over here, that's all.

469. I'll drop it where the body was. Right here.

470. That's in the rules.

471. I'm not gonna take a penalty, I'll tell you that.

472. I'm not taking a penalty. I hit the ball over here.

473. I hit one of the great shots of my life.

474. I'm playing from here.

475. Oh! They threw my ball away. I gotta take a drop.

476. - No, no. No dropping, man. - You can't take a drop.

477. What are you talking about? They threw my ball away.

478. - You hit somebody! - That's right!

479. He's fine! He's okay. Listen, I'm dropping a ball.

480. Not on our watch you're dropping a ball.

481. I'm not going back to the tee!

482. - What the fuck was that? - Holy shit.

483. It sounds like a coyote.

484. It is a coyote. They're killers, man.

485. Sounds like he's eating a dog.

486. Jeff, don't you live around there?

487. That is my house.

488. Oh my God!

489. That could be my puppy!

490. You know what, Larr? I gotta go home.

491. Huh? What?

492. - That could be my dog! - Does your neighbor have a dog?

493. Yeah, there's a few dogs around.

494. All right, so it might be one of your neighbors' dogs.

495. Uh, that sounded like a puppy.

496. I mean...

497. If he's eaten, there's nothing you can do about it.

498. And if he's dead,

499. what are you gonna do, sit shiva?

500. Yeah. Can't bring the dog back to life.

501. We're talking about a puppy!

502. Yeah, I know, but we're on the golf course,

503. we're having a nice day. You'll see it later.

504. He's right, man. You know he's right.

505. And if it's not, there's nothing to be gained by going home.

506. Let's just play.

507. You know what? You're right.

508. Either my puppy's dead, or it's a neighbor's dog.

509. Nothing you could do either way.

510. All right, I'll play.

511. Well, all right. Well, I'm dropping.

512. - You're not dropping. - Can't drop.

513. I'm dropping. You're not dropping.

514. - Oh, I'm dropping. - You are not dropping the ball!

515. Fuck you! I'm dropping the ball.

516. - You are not dropping the ball! - Fuck you!

517. You're a cheater!

518. No, you're a cheater. You're a cheater!

519. You're a cheater! You're a cheater!

520. You're a cheater! Cheater!

521. How 'bout the drive on 15?

522. - Oh, that was, uh... - What about that, huh?

523. - Oh, Frankie! - Oh-ho!

524. Wow! Look at this! Wow! Baby.

525. Oh, God. What?

526. - Oh! He's alive! - Frankie's alive.

527. Of course he's alive. Why would he not be alive?

528. You don't understand.

529. We're having the game of our lives...

530. - Yeah. - ... and we hear a coyote

531. and then a yelp.

532. We heard a coyote. It was crazy.

533. We thought the coyote ate the dog!

534. Oh my God. You thought it was Frankie?

535. Yeah! - So what did you do?

536. Wh— what? Did—

537. What, you— you— you continued to play?

538. Yeah.

539. You didn't quit and come to see if he was okay?

540. We just assumed that, you know, he was...

541. Dead. And if he's dead, what can we do?

542. This little boy, this little beautiful little creature,

543. is dead, and you continue to play?

544. What kind of heartless pieces of shit are you?

545. We thought about the puppy and how the puppy was dead,

546. and we thought about golf,

547. - and golf was there. - Yeah. What can we do?

548. - There's nothing to do. - Well, what about me?

549. You didn't think about how I was feeling at home

550. with the coyote eating my boy?

551. I must admit, you didn't come into our heads.

552. Really? You are about as selfish as they come.

553. And you, Larry,

554. you have no heart. You have no soul.

555. What if I was maimed by a coyote?

556. What would you do then, huh? Would you continue playing?

557. Certainly, I would give you more consideration

558. than I gave the dog.

559. - Uh-huh. - But ultimately,

560. I think I'd play through.

561. All right, you know what? Get the fuck out. You disgust me.

562. What do you do after a person's dead?

563. It's— They're dead!

564. Don't ever touch this dog,

565. think of this dog, look at this dog!

566. No loss to me...

567. to not be involved with your dog.

568. Don't care. That's no punishment at all.

569. - Get out! - Okay, I'll leave.

570. But in my defense, let me just say

571. there are very few people I'd leave the golf course for

572. if I found out they died.

573. Even you!

574. Really?

575. Well, depends how I'm playing.

576. Coming!

577. - Ah! - Hey, Larry.

578. - Hello, Duane. - Sorry to barge in,

579. but got the estimate for the tree service.

580. If you got a minute, I'd like to talk about it.

581. Yeah. Come on in. Yeah.

582. Thanks.

583. So, um, how you feeling?

584. We're healing.

585. - Yeah. - Healing. Slowly.

586. Good. Have you had any laughs at all since?

587. In the last 48 hours? Yeah.

588. No, not a whole lot of laughter in the house.

589. Just curious. I mean, if somebody told a joke,

590. do you think you have the capacity to laugh?

591. I— I guess it would depend on the joke, Larry.

592. So a funny joke could make you laugh.

593. And provide some temporary relief...

594. Ah! Got it! - ... in a very painful time.

595. Got it. Okay. Okay. Just curious.

596. - So, the invoice. - Yeah.

597. - I got the invoice from the tree service. - Sure.

598. They had to remove the stump too, so...

599. We can just split that down the middle.

600. Okay, come on.

601. - Duane. - They had to remove the stump.

602. - Twenty-seven hundred? - Yes.

603. For eating a couple lemons a month?

604. And that's how much it costs to get rid of a tree.

605. Duane, I gotta tell you something, okay?

606. This is very un-Tubman-like behavior.

607. Okay, that's— that's the second time with Tubmans.

608. - I don't know what you mean. - Yeah.

609. Well, what I mean is, I don't think

610. that your great aunt Harriet would condone this.

611. So what kind of person was she, Larry?

612. Well, she was the kind of person

613. who smuggled slaves from the South to the North

614. - and didn't charge them. - Really?

615. You know what Harriet Tubman would have done?

616. She would have come over to my house

617. with a big basket of lemons. Really?

618. "Larry, darling, take as many lemons as you'd like."

619. I'd go, "Harriet, you know what?

620. They're dropping into the yard. I don't need it."

621. Wow, this has been a real education for me...

622. "Thank you. Thank you."

623. - ... on my own ancestry. - Oh, hey. This is Leon.

624. You know Duane, our neighbor?

625. - What's up, D? - Hey, brother.

626. - How you doing, brother? - Good to see you, brother.

627. Oh, yeah, he gets a "brother" right away, huh?

628. Yeah, that's what we do.

629. Every Black person you meet, you say "brother" to? "Hey, brother"?

630. You say "brother" and you give him one of those right there.

631. Uh-huh. Yeah. You too?

632. - Respectful nod. - A nod is like our aloha.

633. I don't do a Jew nod.

634. You know, you guys got that song already, "Hey, Jew."

635. No, no, that's "Hey Jude," with a D. J-U-D-E.

636. Anyway, Duane, let's have a neighborly

637. adult discussion about this.

638. I'd like to help you out. I wanna do the right thing here.

639. - I can't possibly pay all this. - Yeah. Yeah.

640. There's some charges here that I just can't possibly go along with.

641. It's the stump. They've got to get the wood—

642. It just seems very excessive. - They gotta get the woodchipper.

643. It's not fair. It's not right. It's not my tree.

644. - I don't really care. - I don't pull these numbers— I don't make them up.

645. I'd like to think I'm a fair man.

646. Am I a fair man? Huh?

647. This is a fair man right here. I do the right thing, don't I?

648. What you see is what the fuck you get.

649. And I'd like to do the right thing. - Okay. Okay.

650. Don't worry about it. I got it. I'll see myself out.

651. You mean I don't have to pay? No, you do not.

652. What the hell was that?

653. I don't know. That was amazing.

654. My boy just ran out of here. Mm.

655. Oh my God! No, no, no, no, no!

656. There they are!

657. He saw it! He saw it!

658. That's why he rushed out of here!

659. He saw your boys! Those withered,

660. leathered grotesqueries just saved me

661. thirteen hundred and fifty dollars!

662. He lost his mind! He left! I don't have to pay anything!

663. That's fucked up. All Black balls are like this.

664. Thank you. And thank you!

665. Yeah. My balls said, "You're welcome."

666. And he sits on the arm of the couch,

667. and his balls are hanging out.

668. And the guy got so discombobulated and takes off.

669. My balls showed up and saved the fucking day.

670. That reminds me. Remember that girl Lydia,

671. that I'm— the neighbor that I'm helping out?

672. She is ovulating. Lucky you.

673. The bad news, though, is I have to go up to Shasta.

674. I got a mattress emergency,

675. so I'm not gonna be able to be in town.

676. But, uh, she's asking if I know anybody.

677. Any of you guys willing to, uh,

678. step in and help my neighbor out,

679. being there for her— for her pregnancy needs? What?

680. Seriously? You're kidding.

681. We're on the bench and you sending in a reliever?

682. Yes. You guys wanna see her? Here she is.

683. Sure. Beautiful.

684. Yeah? - Let me see that.

685. Yeah, I'll hit that.

686. - She's fabulous. And I'm in. - You're in?

687. I mean, what do you got, three sperm?

688. You could have intercourse with her for the next 15 years,

689. there's no way you're ever gonna impregnate her.

690. I'll bet you thousand dollars I have more sperm than you.

691. You got more sperm than me? In your dreams.

692. And I will bury you with my sperm.

693. The only problem is you can't get someone pregnant

694. on old-ass sperm and shit

695. when it's in powdered milk form.

696. Jesus.

697. All right. I'm out, Leon.

698. I'll tap that. Leon's in.

699. Let me get a video here. Hold on.

700. I'm gonna send her this.

701. Make it simple and make it quick.

702. Here we go. Ready? All right.

703. I'm Leon Black. You know what it is.

704. I'm looking forward to tapping that ass. Hope you ready.

705. And if you happen to get pregnant, that's a bonus.

706. How about that? Hmm?

707. Yeah, that's what's gonna happen.

708. All right, there you go. Let's see what she says.

709. So just deliver about three or four mattresses,

710. put 'em in front of the house. That way when I wear one out,

711. I'll bring a new mattress, put that shit down too.

712. Yeah, you gotta have a lot of runway

713. to land the plane. I understand.

714. - Fuck yeah. - Okay, she got back to me.

715. - Boy, that was quick. - Oh, boy.

716. And she said yes to Mr. Leon Black.

717. Oh! My God. - Oh! Fuck yeah.

718. - Congratulations. - Congratulations.

719. Hey, funny guy.

720. When you hit Troy with golf ball,

721. you didn't say "fore."

722. I waved. Wave?

723. Wave means what? "Hello."Goodbye."

724. But it doesn't mean

725. "I'm gonna hit you with a golf ball."

726. But he's deaf. He can't hear. What was I supposed to do?

727. And also, why'd you steal a lesson from Jimmy?

728. I didn't steal a lesson from Jimmy.

729. It's because your golf is so terrible

730. - nothing can help. Huh? - Oh.

731. It's kusai.

732. Kusai? Yes.

733. - What is that? - Stinky.

734. Oh.

735. One more mistake...

736. and you're out.

737. Enjoy.

738. Sou desu ka.

739. - Sou desu ka. - Sou desu ka.

740. Sou desu ka.

741. - Sou desu ka. - Sou desu ka.

742. What?

743. Baka.

744. Hmm. - Baka.

745. Baka. Baka.

746. Baka. Baka. Baka.

747. Hey, what is this?

748. What? Look at this.

749. What is that? - They roped off the bench.

750. - Because of you? - Yeah.

751. "Sitting prohibited during lessons"?

752. - What an asshole! I got roped! - You did get roped.

753. Oh, do I suck.

754. I had to pick up. At least you putted out.

755. So sick of this game. What a waste of time.

756. Hey, by the way, my will?

757. I'm gonna see an estate attorney this week,

758. so you'll be covered. You're— you're set.

759. You know...

760. it's kind of starting to dawn on me what's going on.

761. - What are you talking about? - You're putting me in your will

762. 'cause you want me to put you in my will.

763. Are you out of your fucking mind?

764. - Huh? Is that right? - Would I be that shallow

765. - and that manipulative... - Yes.

766. - ... and clandestine? - Yes, you would. Yeah.

767. - Oh, that's bullshit. - Yeah, you would.

768. This is a low point.

769. Oh, no, it never occurred to you?

770. Well, but now that you mention it...

771. it sort of makes sense.

772. I'll give you the same that you give me. How's that?

773. - I'd say we do percentages. - And by the way,

774. what makes you think that I'm gonna die before you?

775. - You're a little ragged right now. - You think that?

776. - I'm in a little better shape than you. Yeah. - Oh, really?

777. I'm gonna outlive you by 20 years.

778. My trainer is gonna move in with me.

779. As soon as I get home, I'm gonna hire a nutritionist,

780. I'm gonna get an acupuncturist, a masseuse.

781. I will not have a donut

782. - for the rest of my life... - You think so?

783. just 'cause I wanna outlive you.

784. You know what? Sugar.

785. Oh, you cocksucker.

786. You gave away Wordle? You fuck.

787. - That's so low. - You deserve it.

788. You sicken me. Well, you know what?

789. I'm gonna be waking up at five o'clock every morning

790. and giving Wordle away.

791. You'll never do another Wordle for the rest of your life.

792. Yeah, you do that. I'll wake up at four every morning

793. and ruin it for you.

794. I'll— I'll call my friend in New York!

795. Yeah, I'll call my friend in London!

796. I got a friend in Israel! What do you think about that?

797. My friend lives on the equator!

798. So what do you feel like's been the common miss?

799. I just feel like I'm using all muscle, no technique.

800. - Muscle? - Yeah.

801. I don't know, I'm leading with the hips

802. - like I'm always doing, right? - Oh, no, no, no, no.

803. That's the worst advice ever, to keep your head down.

804. - You gotta release the head, okay? - The head?

805. Then the hips. Oh, man.

806. Everything comes after that, right? Right.

807. Soften it all up,

808. and we're gonna take it up to the top. Okay?

809. And then with the head.

810. - What are you looking at? - Unbelievable.

811. Larry, I see you in there.

812. What? - Stealing another lesson!

813. I'm not stealing a lesson, I'm using the bathroom!

814. Just a master of deception and subterfuge.

815. Get the hell out. I was here first!

816. So what are— I don't even know what you're talking about!

817. Yeah, you're here first 'cause you're creeping and peeping!

818. You didn't pay for the other one. You owe me two lessons now.

819. And that's not even a lesson!

820. What, are you telling him to pick his head up?

821. Everybody says to put their head down.

822. No, you gotta release the head.

823. Who doesn't look at the ball, you fucking idiot?

824. Mr. Takahashi's gonna hear about this one.

825. Yeah, go ahead! Tell him. I don't give a shit.

826. Let's get out of here.

827. "Don't look at the ball!"

828. Give me a break!

829. Moron!

830. Is he the cutest, Cheryl? - He is the cutest!

831. I'm petting his fur coat like that's his fur.

832. I had it custom made.

833. It's open! He's pooping?

834. Oh, his poops are gorgeous.

835. - I mean, the most beautifully formed poops. - Okay.

836. Hey, Larr. What's up? Hey, Larry.

837. Came to use the, uh, Theragun.

838. I injured my groin with this new swing.

839. - The what? - The Theragun. My birthday gift?

840. Oh, it's down there. It's down right where

841. you left it last time. It's right there.

842. So, he's some kind of genius or something,

843. - I'm not kidding. - Oh, yeah.

844. The dog has such a high IQ.

845. He's a regular Einstein. He's so smart.

846. Auntie Cheryl and Uncle Ted.

847. He is a smart puppy.

848. I know. Isn't that the cutest?

849. Oh my God, this thing is fantastic.

850. What're you doing? Oh! Oh, what a relief.

851. Isn't that something you should be doing in private?

852. No, it's a— - Yeah, it is.

853. What— What are you— I got pants on.

854. What are you talking about?

855. - Oh, Frankie, what's the matter? - Oh yeah.

856. That's scaring him.

857. Hey, hey, shut the fuck up, will ya!

858. Don't you talk to my dog that way!

859. But it's already getting better. I feel it loosening up.

860. All right, good for you.

861. Huh? You've never— Here. You want to try it?

862. - No. Get that away from me. - Huh?

863. - You wanna try it? - No.

864. You just rubbed it on your balls. No thank you.

865. Hey, an old man like you, you should be using this.

866. It's really good.

867. You know, we heard about you on the golf course,

868. with the coyote and Frankie thing.

869. So? It's not my dog.

870. I was playing golf. I wanted to finish the round.

871. - That's so selfish. - What was I gonna do,

872. give the dog mouth-to-mouth resuscitation?

873. Well, you could stop golfing and make sure the dog is alive.

874. What, what, what? - That's like what a human being would do.

875. What am I supposed to do, go to his funeral?

876. I mean, I don't understand.

877. I think you were hoping that Frankie was dead...

878. because you were jealous.

879. That's lunacy. I hope the dog is dead?

880. Why do I give a shit about a dumb little dog?

881. You're jealous because... Jealous?

882. we gave Susie a gift that means something to her,

883. and you gave that stupid thigh jackhammer.

884. I mean, really?

885. - By the way... - Hey, turn that off while we're talking, will ya?

886. Go to the bathroom and do it.

887. You always have to be the center of attention, man.

888. Center of attention? I don't understand.

889. Atlanta. Come on. Really?

890. You know what I think? I think you're jealous

891. that I'm the one who got arrested in Atlanta...

892. Oh, brother. - Oh God.

893. and I'm getting all this attention.

894. Yeah, you know what? Yeah, I am jealous.

895. Yeah, I know you are. I know you are.

896. - You know why? I should've been the one who was arrested... - Yeah.

897. because I use it as a platform

898. - for the good of the planet. - Yes.

899. Yeah, use it for the good of your publicist.

900. - Hey, you know, my— - You know what? He's authentic.

901. - He cares about people. - That's right.

902. I'm authentic. I care about myself.

903. - Oh my God. - Yeah. And only yourself.

904. There's an authenticity involved in caring about oneself.

905. - Oh my God. - Jesus, man.

906. Is that unbelievable?

907. Hey, you know what, Mr. Danson? What?

908. - I got one word to say to you. - What?

909. Sugar!

910. What does that mean? - Yeah. I got it in two.

911. That's Wordle? You gave away today's Wordle?

912. I didn't do it yet, you fucking piece of shit.

913. You've crossed the line now, mister.

914. Take your crappy, mediocre gift

915. and get the fuck out of my house!

916. 'Cause I'm not going to use that piece of shit.

917. Two, Larry. Got it in two. You got it in two?

918. Hey, I'll take my fantastic gift that just healed an injury

919. in one minute!

920. And by the way, you didn't get Wordle in two.

921. You're full of shit.

922. Wordle in two. Right. He did.

923. Ted is smart!

924. Wait, let me say goodbye to your stupid fucking dog.

925. Do not touch the dog. Ever!

926. My ass. You never got anything in two!

927. He didn't have a groin injury. His groin is perfectly fine.

928. - Oh. Hey, there's no charger. - What? Just go!

929. Let me tell you something, and this goes for all of you.

930. You're gonna be injured one day, probably pretty soon.

931. Don't ask to use my Theragun. You're not getting it.

932. Just know that. Okay. Fine. Yeah, that's fine. Yeah.

933. Go!

934. Bye. And don't come back!

935. - Hey. You want this? - Uh-huh.

936. Yeah?

937. No, no, no, don't get up!

938. Fore.

939. One!

940. Sorry.

941. Stop flip, flip, flip, flipping. What are we gonna watch?

942. Let's just make a decision, you know?

943. Sienna Miller. Who?

944. Sienna Miller.

945. There's a documentary I really wanna watch

946. about endangered Californian wildlife,

947. the San Diego fairy shrimp. Just give me five... I just wanna see five minutes.

948. Five minutes. I just wanna watch five minutes.

949. Two minutes. Three minutes.

950. Smile. - I can't.

951. My hammer toe is getting so bad.

952. This, it kind of helps, but I don't wanna have surgery.

953. It's six weeks, you gotta wear a boot.

954. Because I love you.

955. And it's time to shave my corns again.

956. My podiatrist, what an idiot. Could you push that on for me?

957. For God's sake, protect my callus.

958. It's so painful.

959. Hi! You must be the Harringtons.

960. Yes. I'm Lydia. I'm Ron.

961. I'm Larry. Larry, nice to meet you.

962. Hi. Nice to meet you.

963. - Come on in, please. - Thank you.

964. Oh, it's pretty nasty out.

965. No, yeah, it doesn't feel like L.A.

966. Oh, Leon!

967. Leon!

968. - Help yourself to some tea. - Oh, thank you.

969. Very kind. Thank you so much.

970. - This is really nice of you to broker this for us, so... - Yes.

971. Whatever I can do to help.

972. Thank you.

973. Oh, there he is!

974. Yeah. Hi!

975. This is Leon. Hi.

976. I'm Lydia. Hi! Hey, Lydia.

977. Hey, Ron, how are you, Leon? Nice to meet you.

978. - Mm. Lydia. - Yeah.

979. That sounds sexy. I love those one-syllable names.

980. Except Lydia has three syllables.

981. - Not one. - Now you're doing fucking math right now?

982. I call her Dee sometimes,

983. - so that's one syllable. - Hey, problem fucking solved.

984. So you two are interested in starting a family.

985. Well, we wanna expand our family.

986. - We already have a little one. - We have one.

987. - Dog. We have a small dog. - Oh, you have a dog.

988. - Yeah. Yeah, Mabel. - It's like she's a person.

989. She's not a person. She's a dog.

990. She's very much like a little person.

991. And what can she do that a person does?

992. What Larry's saying is that a dog cannot be a person

993. 'cause a dog can't do what people do.

994. Now, people can do dog-like shit.

995. Like, a contortionist in the circus?

996. This motherfucker can bend his body up

997. and lick his own balls if he wanted to.

998. Do you think that motherfucker can't lick his own nuts?

999. Of course he can.

1000. - Y— yeah. I— - Yeah.

1001. Can you excuse us for one second?

1002. Of course.

1003. If you wanna fuck this woman,

1004. I suggest you shut up,

1005. because every time you open your mouth,

1006. you're hurting your chances.

1007. Let me tell you something right now.

1008. I'm the dick salesman right now, right?

1009. My dick is on the market, okay?

1010. Let me sell this motherfucking car.

1011. Okay?

1012. Well, Leon, thank you so much for doing this.

1013. - Yeah. - We are so excited.

1014. Thank you for giving my dick the opportunity to serve you.

1015. So, we have a window here. - I'm ovulating.

1016. Yeah, so if you have any questions for us...

1017. Please! - Do you guys want a girl?

1018. 'Cause if you do,

1019. I'ma have to start eating a lot of mustard.

1020. Oh, um... Well...

1021. My fucking sperm is strong.

1022. That little motherfucker gonna come out

1023. with a mustache and bad credit.

1024. I would be remiss if I didn't tell you

1025. that my IQ is 152.

1026. - 152? - And...

1027. my mother was Miss Bensonhurst.

1028. That's very impressive, Larry,

1029. but your services won't be necessary.

1030. Uh-uh, just FYI,

1031. I don't know if you guys ever heard of

1032. the Big Johnson community.

1033. All right!

1034. It's a bunch of— - I think we're good here.

1035. Thank you so much, Leon.

1036. All right, well, so long!

1037. - Nice meeting you. - Lovely to meet you.

1038. Can I give you a little tip? Yeah.

1039. Keep those eyes closed.

1040. Thank you. Bye.

1041. Well, we gotta get home to Mabel,

1042. but I have your number, and I'll see you tomorrow.

1043. Give me a call. Yeah.

1044. And you get some sleep. You're gonna need it.

1045. - Oh, okay. - Tap that ass tomorrow.

1046. Thank you. Thank you.

1047. No masturbating.

1048. - Hey, you neither. - Okay.

1049. No masturbating. Yeah.

1050. Fuck is she, the cum police?

1051. "Mr. Takahashi would like to see you

1052. in his office tomorrow."

1053. - Oh, shit. - Uh-oh.

1054. You know what that means?

1055. I'm gonna get kicked out of the club.

1056. - This is it. - Yeah, you fucked up.

1057. Oh, there's Duane.

1058. Booker, let's go. Come on.

1059. Motherfucker ain't even nod his head.

1060. This fucking guy.

1061. What's his problem?

1062. Come in!

1063. - You are in big trouble. - Oh.

1064. I hear you no longer the funny guy.

1065. Oh!

1066. You are the cheap and violent guy.

1067. First, you hit Academy Award winner Troy

1068. - with golf ball. - Uh-huh.

1069. And then, you hit him with bagel!

1070. What do you have to say for yourself?

1071. Okay.

1072. First of all, the night before

1073. I didn't have a very good night's sleep.

1074. I'm dreaming I'm in a fish tank

1075. with a lot of little guppies around me and...

1076. and goldfish, and they're all pecking at me.

1077. Pecking, pecking, pecking. They weren't hurting me.

1078. And then in the morning, I'm going,

1079. "I wonder why I had that dream."

1080. Is it because I said I don't really like salmon?

1081. I never said anything else about fish.

1082. And so, I'm exhausted.

1083. And I go to the driving range that morning,

1084. and I'm sitting on the bench.

1085. I'm thinking about

1086. what I'm gonna have for lunch.

1087. I'm not gonna have fish, I know that.

1088. Then I hear Jimmy. He's giving a lesson.

1089. Vertical drop, horizontal tug.

1090. Okay! Okay! Okay! Stop! No more!

1091. What's that?

1092. Get out! Ah! Can do, Mr. T.

1093. Got it. Go away!

1094. I don't want to see you.

1095. I don't wanna see any part of you.

1096. - Go! - Arigato.

1097. Baka!

1098. Yeah!

1099. What was that?

1100. Was that a coyote?

1101. Mabel? Did you hear a dog?

1102. I didn't hear shit.