1. Hey, I really shouldn't
pay you, honestly.Copy !req
2. Why should I pay?
You talked during the putt.Copy !req
3. - I could've made that—
- I was talking pre-putt,
and you decided—Copy !req
4. - No, it wasn't pre-putt.
- Yes, it was. It was pre-putt.Copy !req
5. - Do you think that was pre-putt?
- It was definitely pre-putt.Copy !req
6. Jeff, did he talk
during my putt?Copy !req
7. I'm not saying anything.Copy !req
8. - Oh!
- That's everything!
He just said everything!Copy !req
9. - Jeff, you know what Dante said.
What?Copy !req
10. "The hottest places in hell
are reserved for thoseCopy !req
11. who in time of crisis
retain their neutrality."Copy !req
12. - I don't wanna say anything.
- You're goin' straight to hell.Copy !req
13. - You're like a desperate guy,
just grasping at, like...
Desperate guy?Copy !req
14. - You talked during the putt.
- ... quotes? Quotes from Dante
over the putt?Copy !req
15. - Freddy! What's up, kid?
- My man! Hey, buddy!Copy !req
16. How you doing, Larry?
- Hey, Hal! Hey, Hal.Copy !req
17. - You look good, buddy.
Thank you.Copy !req
18. What the fuck did I do?Copy !req
19. That was a snub.
That was a total—Copy !req
20. No, no, no. It wasn't like
he didn't even look at me.Copy !req
21. - He looked right at me.
- That was intentional.Copy !req
22. That was a total snub.
- Yeah. I was uncomfortable.Copy !req
23. - What the hell happened
with you two?
- I set him up on a dateCopy !req
24. with a friend of mine,
producer named Gabby McAfee,Copy !req
25. and, uh,
he hasn't spoken to me since.Copy !req
26. - What?
Yeah.Copy !req
27. I have no I—
I have no idea why.Copy !req
28. Did you try and contact him?Copy !req
29. Yeah. I texted him, called him,
I walked up to him.Copy !req
30. - Well how'd that— What'd he do?
- Ignored me.Copy !req
31. - Wow!
I don't get it.Copy !req
32. She's beautiful, she is smart,Copy !req
33. she is kind, she's great.Copy !req
34. How come you didn't fix me up
with her if she's so great?Copy !req
35. I don't know.Copy !req
36. - What's her name? Gabby McAfee?
Gabby McAfee.Copy !req
37. Probably shouldn't even say it,Copy !req
38. but it's probably
common knowledge.Copy !req
39. You've heard the thing
about Hal, right?Copy !req
40. - Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.
I think the whole club knows.Copy !req
41. I have no idea.Copy !req
42. He slept with his mother-in-law.Copy !req
43. - Hal slept
with his mother-in-law?
- Yeah.Copy !req
44. - Shut the fuck up. No way!
- Yeah.Copy !req
45. - Liars!
- Okay. What did you hear?Copy !req
46. I— I only heard that he
fucked his mother-in-law.Copy !req
47. Tell me more. What did you hear?Copy !req
48. - That's all I got.
- What more do you need to hear?Copy !req
49. - And that led to his divorce.
Oh, wow.Copy !req
50. - That's what I heard.
Yeah.Copy !req
51. But was it ongoing or one time?Copy !req
52. I think it was
a couple times. Yeah.Copy !req
53. - That's what I heard. Yeah.
Oh.Copy !req
54. Wow. Gabby McAfee.
She's something.Copy !req
55. - Yeah!
- Uh-huh!Copy !req
56. She's a beautiful girl.Copy !req
57. You'll set me up?Copy !req
58. - All right, I'm gonna ask you
one quick question.
- Sure.Copy !req
59. Did you fuck your mother-in-law
at any point?Copy !req
60. 'Cause I ain't setting you up
if you did.Copy !req
61. - Well...
- Okay. Yeah, I'll call her.Copy !req
62. - No problem.
- And you know what else?Copy !req
63. Maybe I could do a little, uh,Copy !req
64. - investigation.
- As to, uh—Copy !req
65. As to what happened
on that dateCopy !req
66. that he would never
speak to you again.Copy !req
67. - All right. Thank you.
- That looks good.Copy !req
68. Look at you.
Still with the fries.Copy !req
69. I love them. You want one?
Don't even ask. Jump in.Copy !req
70. - Should I try one?Copy !req
71. You all right? Dad?Copy !req
72. - Oh, my God!Copy !req
73. I think he's having
a heart attack.Copy !req
74. - Call 911! Call 911!Copy !req
75. - Oh, my. That's Saul Berman.Copy !req
76. Dad, come down to the floor.
Easy, easy, easy.Copy !req
77. Is there a doctor in here?Copy !req
78. You're all right. Just lay down.Copy !req
79. - It looks serious.
Hold my hand.Copy !req
80. - Hold my hand.
- It does.Copy !req
81. I got you. I got you.Copy !req
82. Okay, Dad. Just breathe,
just breathe, just breathe.Copy !req
83. I got you. Hold my hand.
Squeeze my hand. Here you go.Copy !req
84. Okay. Good, good. All right.
Got you. Can you talk?Copy !req
85. - Okay.
Okay, okay. Okay.Copy !req
86. Want some water? Huh?
No? We got a doctor coming.Copy !req
87. Just squeeze it! Squeeze as hard
as hard as you can! Okay—Copy !req
88. - All right.Copy !req
89. That wraps it up here.Copy !req
90. Knicks 101, Sixers 97.Copy !req
91. Tom, what— what was the problem
with the Sixers tonight?Copy !req
92. Hello?Copy !req
93. Hey, Freddy. It's me.Copy !req
94. How are you?
- I'm on my way to KatsuyaCopy !req
95. to meet Gabby McAfee.Copy !req
96. Oh, nice.
You're chopping it up
with Gabby. I like it.Copy !req
97. I just looked in the mirror,
and a button fell off my shirt.Copy !req
98. I've got tons
of T-shirt exposed.Copy !req
99. You can't have more
than three-quarters of an inch
of T-shirt showing.Copy !req
100. Oh, that's terrible.Copy !req
101. Would it be okay if I came over
and borrowed a shirt?Copy !req
102. I'm right near your house.Copy !req
103. Okay.
You wanna come get a shirt?Copy !req
104. - Come get a shirt.
- Okay, great.Copy !req
105. Tonight, we're gonna get
something great for you.Copy !req
106. Are you sure
you don't wanna go T-shirt?Copy !req
107. Because I think
it could look good.Copy !req
108. - T-shirt, really?
- Very sinewy!Copy !req
109. - You look fantastic!
Sinewy?Copy !req
110. Look at that word
you just threw out.Copy !req
111. You know, people...Copy !req
112. - people underestimate you.
They do?Copy !req
113. You're actually
a little brighter
than— than you come off.Copy !req
114. I'd bet you're sitting on some
pretty big words too,Copy !req
115. when you need 'em.
Now, let's take a look.Copy !req
116. I wanna try
for the same palette.Copy !req
117. Yeah, I get it.Copy !req
118. Just wanna be comfortable.Copy !req
119. Oh, God!Copy !req
120. Oh, Jesus. I just burned
the shit out of my hand.Copy !req
121. What? Oh, jeez.Copy !req
122. Because I just found something
pretty hot.Copy !req
123. Oh, my hand! It's what?Copy !req
124. You tell me, LD!
You tell me, LD!Copy !req
125. Oh. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
126. - Really nice item.
- Very nice item.Copy !req
127. Well, you're gonna enjoy it.
I think she's gonna
enjoy it too.Copy !req
128. All right, this is great.
I'll take it.Copy !req
129. Yeah, I think
this will be great.Copy !req
130. Thank you. Thank you, sir.Copy !req
131. - Yes. May I help you?
- How do you do?Copy !req
132. - Yes.
- Larry David, table for two.Copy !req
133. Oh, you're the first one here!
Uh— Shall I take your umbrella?Copy !req
134. I thought it was gonna rain.
What happened?Copy !req
135. - Huh?
- I don't know.Copy !req
136. - They said rain.
- Okay.Copy !req
137. - I'm not crazy.
- Thank you. Thank you.Copy !req
138. - Yes, yes. Uh— Table?
- Sure.Copy !req
139. Ohitorisama goraiten desu!Copy !req
140. Irasshaimase!Copy !req
141. Oh! Well.Copy !req
142. Thank you, thank you.
I love that greeting.Copy !req
143. Please.
This is your table, sir.Copy !req
144. - And your menu.Copy !req
145. And somebody will be
right with you, sir.Copy !req
146. - Thank you.
- Thank you.Copy !req
147. - There he is.
May I help you?Copy !req
148. Hi. Yeah,
I'm just meeting Mr. David.Copy !req
149. - Oh, okay. Right this way.
- Yeah.Copy !req
150. Irasshaimase!
Ira—Copy !req
151. Whoa! Hello!
Hello!Copy !req
152. I'm Gabby, obviously.
I love it!Copy !req
153. - Huh? Do you love that greeting?
- I love it!Copy !req
154. Is that the best greeting
you've ever had?Copy !req
155. Absolutely!Copy !req
156. - And do you speak Japanese?Copy !req
157. Oh, yeah. I speak six languages,
including Guamish.Copy !req
158. - That's what they speak in Guam.
- Island of Guam.Copy !req
159. - Yeah, on the island of Guam.
- Chefs say "irasshaimase."Copy !req
160. Could you please not say
"irasshaimase"?Copy !req
161. Thank you.
- What? That's— What?Copy !req
162. Sushi chefs say "irasshaimase."
Guests don't say "irasshaimase."Copy !req
163. - Sorry.
- Thank you for understanding,Copy !req
164. and enjoy your dinner.
Thank you.Copy !req
165. Wow.
- The chef is upsetCopy !req
166. - that I said "irasshaimase"?
- I have been here 100 times.Copy !req
167. I've never been reprimanded
by the host.Copy !req
168. Is this the first time you've
been reprimanded by a host?Copy !req
169. - Alas, no.
No?Copy !req
170. You know,
maybe just tonight, first date,Copy !req
171. we— we're on our best behavior.Copy !req
172. - Maybe?
I'll try.Copy !req
173. - Look at— Delicious!
- I know.Copy !req
174. This is my favorite place.
Thank you so much.Copy !req
175. Larry, I wasn't even gonna
come on this date.Copy !req
176. I mean, honestly, I've had
such bad luck since my divorce.Copy !req
177. But Jeff told me...Copy !req
178. "Worst thing that happens,
it doesn't work out,Copy !req
179. he's a great person
to break up with."Copy !req
180. - Oh, yeah. I'm great.
- Oof! Really?Copy !req
181. Oh, yeah. Like, if we go out,Copy !req
182. like, for six months
or eight months or whatever,Copy !req
183. all you gotta do is say, "Hey,
I don't wanna see you anymore."
And I go, "Ah! Okay."Copy !req
184. No drama?Copy !req
185. - Zero.
- That's a good quality.Copy !req
186. I walk away,
and I never give you—Copy !req
187. - Not another thought.
- I don't give you
another thought.Copy !req
188. - Wow!
- Yeah.Copy !req
189. That's... That's almost, um...Copy !req
190. like a sociopath, but...Copy !req
191. - ... borderline.Copy !req
192. You know what?
That's one of the nicest thingsCopy !req
193. anyone's ever said to me.Copy !req
194. Well, do you have
any other good qualities?Copy !req
195. Yes, I do.Copy !req
196. Okay.Copy !req
197. So discreet.Copy !req
198. Really? Good at keeping
a secret, you think?Copy !req
199. - Absolutely!
- Okay.Copy !req
200. I want us to tell
each other somethingCopy !req
201. we've never told anybody.Copy !req
202. - Bring it on.
- Okay.Copy !req
203. When I was younger, I was
a teacher in high school...Copy !req
204. and I...Copy !req
205. slept with one of my students.Copy !req
206. - Hmm?
- Did I just hear you say thatCopy !req
207. you were a teacher
in high school and...Copy !req
208. you slept with one
of your students?Copy !req
209. - Did I get that right?
- Consenting people.Copy !req
210. - Wow!
- He was 18.Copy !req
211. Was he— Was he a senior?Copy !req
212. - Yeah.
- Did you go to the prom?Copy !req
213. Oh, I'm not gonna go into this.Copy !req
214. What was
his extra-curricular activity?Copy !req
215. He was a basketball player.
That's it.Copy !req
216. I'm not going to—
I'm not saying anything more.Copy !req
217. - Did you go to the games?
- I told you the secret.Copy !req
218. Did he give you a little wink
when he was playing?Copy !req
219. If he made a shot,
did he look over?Copy !req
220. - Larry, we don't need to get
into all this stuff.
- No, no. No, I'm just curious.Copy !req
221. - You know what?
- What?Copy !req
222. Time for you
to tell me your secret.Copy !req
223. Let's hear it. Come on.Copy !req
224. Give it up.Copy !req
225. Okay, look.
I'll tell you this, okay?Copy !req
226. - Okay.
- But honestly...Copy !req
227. you cannot mention this...Copy !req
228. to anyone, ever.Copy !req
229. Larry, trust. Trust.Copy !req
230. Okay.Copy !req
231. I have a fantastic shortcut
to the valley.Copy !req
232. Tremendous.Copy !req
233. - That's your secret?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
234. I told you...Copy !req
235. that I slept with a student.
Your secret is Waze.Copy !req
236. Let me tell you something.
There's no comparisonCopy !req
237. - between these two secrets.
- No, there's not!Copy !req
238. My secret
improves your quality of life.Copy !req
239. Your secret's just interesting.Copy !req
240. Why don't you tell me
the shortcut, and I'll be
the judge of how useful this...Copy !req
241. secret is?Copy !req
242. Cosiano, Sepulveda,Copy !req
243. Mulholland, Longbow,Copy !req
244. Woodcliff,Copy !req
245. to Valley— Valley Vista.Copy !req
246. That's your cousin.Copy !req
247. I gotta write this down.
I gotta write—Copy !req
248. No! Are you serious?
No, you can't write that down.Copy !req
249. You lose it, somebody finds it.
No good.Copy !req
250. Okay, but you can't tell
anybody what I said.Copy !req
251. - What did you say?
- Uh-huh? That's funny.Copy !req
252. - You like that?
- You're funny!Copy !req
253. - Hey, let me ask you something.
- Okay.Copy !req
254. - You went out with Hal Berman?
- A couple times.Copy !req
255. What's the deal? What happened?Copy !req
256. I don't know,
you'd have to ask him.Copy !req
257. Hmm.Copy !req
258. You've got to try these
Brussels sprouts, Larry.Copy !req
259. - They're amazing!Copy !req
260. Ofutarisama goraiten desu!Copy !req
261. Oh.
What the...Copy !req
262. Irasshaimase!
Irasshaimase!Copy !req
263. Irasshaimase!
Irasshaimase!Copy !req
264. Irasshaimase!Copy !req
265. I had a great time.
That's all I can tell you.Copy !req
266. - It was a great date.
- Great date?Copy !req
267. I don't know
what Hal's problem was.Copy !req
268. What kinda things
did you talk about?Copy !req
269. We talked about general stores.Copy !req
270. You did, huh?
- Yeah.Copy !req
271. Okay.
- Yeah.Copy !req
272. Did you bring your general store
photo book with you?Copy !req
273. I had photos in my phone
of different general storesCopy !req
274. - throughout the country.
- Well, that's your passion.Copy !req
275. - Yeah.
That's my passion.
- That's your passion.Copy !req
276. That's your great love.Copy !req
277. She was good at conversation?
Fun?Copy !req
278. The conversation
was flowing so easily.Copy !req
279. I even left my umbrella
at the restaurant.Copy !req
280. I gotta go back
and get it later.Copy !req
281. But the rest of the date
went well?Copy !req
282. I mean,
there was one weird thing.Copy !req
283. - What was the weird thing?
- She wanted, like,
to do this thingCopy !req
284. where we kind of...Copy !req
285. swapped secrets,
you know... I don't know.Copy !req
286. - What was her secret?Copy !req
287. - You know, I'd feel terrible.
- It's me.Copy !req
288. Why would you not tell me?Copy !req
289. I wouldn't like myself
if I told you.Copy !req
290. But you don't
like yourself anyway.Copy !req
291. You cannot say a word
about this to anybody.Copy !req
292. - Honestly.
- Come on.Copy !req
293. Okay. Well, she used to be
a high school teacher.Copy !req
294. Yeah.Copy !req
295. - She fucked one of her students.
- She fucked one of her students?Copy !req
296. - Are you fucking kidding me?
- She fucked one of her students?Copy !req
297. Ooh.Copy !req
298. - Yo...
- Boy, that didn't take long.Copy !req
299. You couldn't keep
that secret for five seconds!Copy !req
300. I didn't directly tell him,
I indirectly—Copy !req
301. But you did!Copy !req
302. - That's so hot.
Yeah.Copy !req
303. - Crazy hot. Sorry.
- That's real hot.Copy !req
304. That's the shit right there.Copy !req
305. Although I can't think
of any teachers
in my high schoolCopy !req
306. that I really wanted
to have sex with.Copy !req
307. There's only one teacher
but I—Copy !req
308. that I wanted. Mrs. Fish.Copy !req
309. I can tell you that Miss RogersCopy !req
310. was not the cause
of any tumescenceCopy !req
311. - among the young men
in my school.
Miss Rogers?Copy !req
312. Yeah.
- What'd she look like?Copy !req
313. - She was on death's door.Copy !req
314. Veins popping out
all over her body.Copy !req
315. Oh, man. In my case,
I fucked the school nurse.Copy !req
316. She was fuckin' fine as shit.Copy !req
317. Every time I had a tummy ache,
I tapped that ass.Copy !req
318. So, did you make up that you had
a tummy ache just to go there?Copy !req
319. Yeah. She gave me
a spoonful of Pepto-BismolCopy !req
320. and a fucking hand job.Copy !req
321. Thank you—
Thank you for your contribution.Copy !req
322. He's got a wild imagination.Copy !req
323. So, wait, wait.
What was your secret?Copy !req
324. - I— I can't tell my secret.
Why?Copy !req
325. Because then,
it's no longer a secret.Copy !req
326. - Yeah, but it's to me. Go.
- Okay.Copy !req
327. I got a shortcut to the valley.Copy !req
328. You got a shortcut
to the valley?Copy !req
329. Yeah.
- You got a shortcutCopy !req
330. - to the valley?
No one's got a shortcut—Copy !req
331. - You fucking did it again!
Shortcut?Copy !req
332. - You did it again!
- I apologize. I apologize.Copy !req
333. It was two secrets
in the space of a few minutes!Copy !req
334. But you know a great shortcut
to the valley.Copy !req
335. Yes, I do.
- And you've never told me.Copy !req
336. It never came up.
- Never told him.Copy !req
337. If I tell you the shortcut,
then it's no longer a shortcut.Copy !req
338. You're not gettin' the shortcut.Copy !req
339. Don't give me that look.
I know that look.Copy !req
340. You're not gettin' it.
Fix the TV!Copy !req
341. I can't fix that TV, man.
That TV is fucked.Copy !req
342. It ain't gonna work.
I tried everything.Copy !req
343. Seriously?
- Seriously.Copy !req
344. - I need a new one?
You need a new TV.Copy !req
345. I just got a new TV. It's great.Copy !req
346. - Really?
- Best TV I've ever had.Copy !req
347. - Is that so?
- Yeah, come over
and take a look.Copy !req
348. - Oh. Freddy's shirt.
Wait a second.Copy !req
349. All right, let me get
something to eat.Copy !req
350. Does your TV have, uh,
picture-in-picture?Copy !req
351. Oh, man!
- Picture-in-picture?Copy !req
352. That's old.Copy !req
353. Look at this.Copy !req
354. Oh, my God!Copy !req
355. - Aw, damn.
- What happened?Copy !req
356. I spilled soy sauce on it,Copy !req
357. - and I tried to get it out
with soap.
- What kind of soap did you use?Copy !req
358. - You know, just Dial.
- Bar soap?Copy !req
359. - Bar soap!
- That's the worst!Copy !req
360. - Really?
Oh, God! Yeah!Copy !req
361. - Soap stains.
- Soap stains?Copy !req
362. Soap stains.Copy !req
363. Who makes a cleaning
product that stains?Copy !req
364. That's like
a Band-Aid that cuts!Copy !req
365. Here's a little secret.Copy !req
366. Freddy's shirt is fucked.Copy !req
367. Hey!Copy !req
368. Hey.Copy !req
369. - Hi, Hal.
Hey, Larry.Copy !req
370. - How's, uh— How's your dad?Copy !req
371. Ah, you know, not great.Copy !req
372. Ah.Copy !req
373. Came to get his
lucky rabbit foot.Copy !req
374. He keeps it in his locker.Copy !req
375. Oh, really?
- He got a hole-in-one with this,
so...Copy !req
376. Really? Maybe I should start
playing with a rabbit's foot.Copy !req
377. - Huh?
- Yeah. You never know.Copy !req
378. Well, um, give him my best.Copy !req
379. Yeah. Well, why don't you pray
for him, huh?Copy !req
380. Eh...Copy !req
381. "Eh"?Copy !req
382. Come on, now. Pray?
Uh... I'll feel like an idiot.Copy !req
383. - I can't do that.
- Are you kidding me?Copy !req
384. I don't— I wouldn't even know
where to begin.Copy !req
385. How do you even do it?
Do you get on your knees?Copy !req
386. - Do you put your hands together?
- No, you don't have to—Copy !req
387. Just say, "God, please make
Saul Berman live." That's it.Copy !req
388. I can't do that.Copy !req
389. Do you know that prayer to Jews
has been integral since,Copy !req
390. you know,
getting out of Egypt, right?Copy !req
391. I would submit it's as big
a waste of timeCopy !req
392. - as watching The Kardashians.
- I don't understand you.Copy !req
393. This is why you join a club.Copy !req
394. So that you can be together
with other membersCopy !req
395. in a time of need.Copy !req
396. No, I joined for the golf.Copy !req
397. And you know what?
I'm enjoying pickleball too.Copy !req
398. - Have you played?
- What if your prayerCopy !req
399. were the thing that saved him?Copy !req
400. - Wait a second. Are you praying?
- Of course I'm praying.Copy !req
401. So, let me put myself
in God's shoes for a second.Copy !req
402. - Okay.
- "Oh, there's the son!Copy !req
403. Oh, the son's praying!Copy !req
404. Eh... I need more than that.
I'm gonna need more than that.Copy !req
405. Oh! Oh, there— Ah, Larry David!Copy !req
406. Oh! Okay, I'll save him!"Copy !req
407. How do you know
prayers don't work?Copy !req
408. Because I'm bald.Copy !req
409. Hey, Hal!Copy !req
410. You went out
with Gabby McAfee, right?Copy !req
411. - Yeah.
- Yeah, I had a date with her.Copy !req
412. I'm seeing her again
on Saturday night.Copy !req
413. Let me guess. Katsuya?Copy !req
414. Yeah! Yeah,
she likes that place.Copy !req
415. Yeah, well. Good luck.Copy !req
416. What ever happened with you two?Copy !req
417. I can tell you this much, Larry.Copy !req
418. What goes around comes around.Copy !req
419. "What goes around comes around."Copy !req
420. Eh.Copy !req
421. - Hey.
- Irasshaimase!Copy !req
422. - How you doing?
Good.Copy !req
423. How'd it go?Copy !req
424. - The date?
- Yeah.Copy !req
425. - Oh, went great.
- Well, tell me about her.Copy !req
426. Uh— She's everything
Jeff said, uh, she was.Copy !req
427. That's terrific.Copy !req
428. There was, unfortunately,
one casualty from the evening.Copy !req
429. What did you do? What happened?Copy !req
430. Your shirt got ruined.Copy !req
431. What the fuck happened
to the shirt?Copy !req
432. I'm so sorry.Copy !req
433. The chef yelled out
"irasshaimase"Copy !req
434. as I was pouring soy sauce,
and...Copy !req
435. it scared me, and— and I...
got it on the shirt.Copy !req
436. Looks like you were a part
of a home birth or something.Copy !req
437. So, it— So— So soy sauce
spilled all over it.Copy !req
438. I put soap on it, and, uh...Copy !req
439. You never put soap
on a fabric like this.Copy !req
440. I didn't know soap stains.Copy !req
441. Ah, fuck.
I loved this shirt, man.Copy !req
442. I'm so sorry.Copy !req
443. You know, I called
the company to replace itCopy !req
444. and they don't make it anymore.Copy !req
445. How— How do you replace
someone's favorite shirt?Copy !req
446. What? Favorite shirt?
What are you talking—Copy !req
447. You just don't buy another one.Copy !req
448. - Favorite shirt?
- Yeah, it's my favorite shirt.Copy !req
449. - You loaned me
your favorite shirt?
- Yes.Copy !req
450. Why would you loan me
your favorite shirt?Copy !req
451. Because I'm a friend,
and you were uncomfortableCopy !req
452. going on the date.Copy !req
453. Still, you don't give out
your favorite shirt.Copy !req
454. - Oh, yeah, it's my fault.
- Everybody knows that.Copy !req
455. What do we do?
How do we get out of this?Copy !req
456. - I don't know.
- This is horrible.Copy !req
457. I'm happy to replace it
with any shirt you want.Copy !req
458. We can go shopping or—Copy !req
459. I think the thing that would—
would mean something to meCopy !req
460. would be you actually...Copy !req
461. giving me your favorite shirt.Copy !req
462. That's really biblical,
real eye-for-eye stuff.Copy !req
463. I'm not giving you
my favorite shirt.Copy !req
464. That's out of the question.Copy !req
465. Okay, fine.Copy !req
466. Don't give me
your favorite shirt.Copy !req
467. Just give me the gray and blue,
uh, two-tone shirt.Copy !req
468. You're not getting
my blue and gray two-tone, okay?Copy !req
469. You don't give up a two-tone.
That's my favorite shirt.Copy !req
470. You know it.
It's not even up for discussion.Copy !req
471. You never give up
a two-tone, ever.Copy !req
472. Okay. I don't know
that I feel much like eating.Copy !req
473. - I'm glad the date went well...Copy !req
474. and that I could be a friend
when you needed one.Copy !req
475. Oh, come on!Copy !req
476. - Sorry, Freddy.
- Yeah.Copy !req
477. Say sorry with the two-tone.Copy !req
478. Pick out any shirt
in the closet you want.Copy !req
479. Any one!Copy !req
480. Why does it have to be
the blue and gray two-tone?Copy !req
481. Irasshaimase!Copy !req
482. Ah! Mr. Takahashi.Copy !req
483. You don't say
"irasshaimase" here!Copy !req
484. You know, I said it
at the Japanese restaurant,Copy !req
485. and they didn't like it either.Copy !req
486. That's because when you say it,
it sound redneck.Copy !req
487. I'm not saying it right?
What— How do you say it?Copy !req
488. - "Irasshaimase."
- "Irasshaimase."Copy !req
489. No, no, no. Terrible.Copy !req
490. - Huh?
You know terrible?Copy !req
491. - Yeah.
- That's you.Copy !req
492. - Okay. All right. Okay.Copy !req
493. Totemo kanashii.Copy !req
494. Saul Berman.Copy !req
495. - He not make it.
- Oh.Copy !req
496. It's interesting
because you would thinkCopy !req
497. that having a heart attack
at a country club like this,Copy !req
498. - there'd be doctors around.
- No.Copy !req
499. - Only plastic surgeon here.
- Hmm.Copy !req
500. One more time
"irasshaimase" here, out!Copy !req
501. Bakayarou!Copy !req
502. We're not open, sir.Copy !req
503. - Yes.
- Ah. Mr. David.Copy !req
504. Hi. Uh...Copy !req
505. I left my umbrella here
last night.Copy !req
506. Can you describe the umbrella?Copy !req
507. It's a green umbrella.
It says, "Dallas Omni Hotel."Copy !req
508. - Hmm.
- Yeah. There— There it is.Copy !req
509. It's right there.Copy !req
510. Oh. You mean this umbrella?Copy !req
511. Yeah. Yes.Copy !req
512. Why does it say
"Dallas Omni Hotel?"Copy !req
513. I was staying in the hotel.
It was raining.Copy !req
514. They— They let me take
the umbrellaCopy !req
515. when I went to the airport.Copy !req
516. That's what they do
for their guests.Copy !req
517. Should I return it to you
or Dallas Omni Hotel?Copy !req
518. Return it to me!
I'll return it to the hotel!Copy !req
519. Anyway, it's really not
your business.Copy !req
520. - Give me the umbrella.
- No, no, no.
We will return it for you.Copy !req
521. You don't need
to return it for me!Copy !req
522. I'll return it myself!
It's not your umbrella!Copy !req
523. But it's not yours either.Copy !req
524. I borrowed it.
I'll return it. Okay?Copy !req
525. Mr. David, I will be honored
to return this for you.Copy !req
526. No. It would be my honor
if you gave it to me.Copy !req
527. - Oh, it will be more our honor.
- No, it's my honor!Copy !req
528. - No, my honor!
- My honor!Copy !req
529. My honor! I want that umbrella!
That's my umbrella!Copy !req
530. It is not your umbrella.Copy !req
531. - All right.
Enough of this. Just—Copy !req
532. You have no right to do this!Copy !req
533. No right! You're stealing!Copy !req
534. - You wanna call—
- I'm calling the police!Copy !req
535. - Oh! Let's call the police!
- You're stealing!Copy !req
536. A bald man steal umbrella!
Yes, let's report!Copy !req
537. What do you care
about the Dallas Omni Hotel?Copy !req
538. Because there's a rule
and regulation for everything.Copy !req
539. - Ah.
- Ah!Copy !req
540. Yeah, I see.
Now, I get the whole thing.Copy !req
541. You're upset about—
that I irasshaimased
last night, right?Copy !req
542. No, no, no, no—Copy !req
543. Customer's not supposed
to irasshaimase.Copy !req
544. - I didn't know. Nobody told me.
- Oh, I told you.Copy !req
545. All right, but—Copy !req
546. You did not follow
the rule and regulation.Copy !req
547. Oh, I'm sorry if I didn't follow
the irasshaimase rules.Copy !req
548. Oh, no. Umbrella rule
you didn't follow either.Copy !req
549. Oh... Oh...
The precious irasshaimase rule!Copy !req
550. "Only chef irasshaimase!"
What a bunch of crap!Copy !req
551. I'll irasshaimase
any time I want!Copy !req
552. I like irasshaimaseing!
It's very welcoming!Copy !req
553. It feels very good
to irasshaimase,Copy !req
554. and I'll continue
to irasshaimase!Copy !req
555. I didn't steal
the umbrella, okay?Copy !req
556. You're stealing the umbrella!Copy !req
557. - Oh, yes!
- You're stealing!
Yeah! You're stealing!Copy !req
558. The irasshaimase! Oh! So sacred!
Irasshaimase! Irasshaimase!Copy !req
559. Oh, come on!Copy !req
560. This makes four, Inspector.Copy !req
561. Four defenseless women
here in the heart of London.Copy !req
562. And every one
with the right forefingerCopy !req
563. - hacked off.Copy !req
564. Not hacked, Inspector Gregson.Copy !req
565. Cleanly, expertly severed.Copy !req
566. Is there no way
of stopping this, Mr. Holmes?Copy !req
567. There's a way, somehow.Copy !req
568. We can't get far
without knowing the motive.Copy !req
569. Well, at least we
know what the motives were not.Copy !req
570. It wasn't robbery, nor passion,
thanks be, nor yet vengeance,Copy !req
571. because they all came
of totally unrelated families.Copy !req
572. Steady, Inspector. Steady.Copy !req
573. "Steady, Inspector. Steady."Copy !req
574. Sorry, Mr. Holmes.
Yes, it's horrible.Copy !req
575. Come on, let's get a drink.Copy !req
576. "Let's get a drink."Copy !req
577. Well,
whoever's behind all this thing
must be out of his mind.Copy !req
578. On the contrary, my dear fellow.Copy !req
579. - "On the contrary,
my dear fellow."
The most brilliantCopy !req
580. and ruthless intellect
the world has ever known.Copy !req
581. - You don't mean
Professor Moriarty.Copy !req
582. - I do.
- Oh, steady, Holmes.Copy !req
583. - You've got him on the brain.Copy !req
584. "Steady Holmes,
you've got him on the brain."Copy !req
585. - What are you doin'?
What are you doin' here?
- Oh! Hey!Copy !req
586. Um...Copy !req
587. I'm getting a new televisionCopy !req
588. and Jeff said you have
a great one.Copy !req
589. He told me to come overCopy !req
590. and let myself in
and check it outCopy !req
591. and, you know, make myself
at home. So, you know—Copy !req
592. Clearly you did,
just lying on the couch, huh?Copy !req
593. - Oh, my feet weren't on there.
- Uh-huh?Copy !req
594. Did you notice
where my feet were,Copy !req
595. - how they were on the corner?
- Yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
596. I hope you saw that.Copy !req
597. Is it so terrible
for a person to look relaxed?Copy !req
598. I don't understand what you're
doing here in the first place.Copy !req
599. You looked at the TV, now leave!Copy !req
600. I'm in the middle of this movie.Copy !req
601. - In my house!
Sherlock Holmes!Copy !req
602. Somebody's chopping off
women's fingers, okay?Copy !req
603. - Uh-huh?
- And Holmes is on the case!Copy !req
604. He's on the case,
he'll solve it. You could leave.Copy !req
605. Okay, fine. Can I tape it?Copy !req
606. No, because that would requireCopy !req
607. you returning to the scene
of the crime to watch it!Copy !req
608. Is there any way you could
DVR it and then email it?Copy !req
609. What am I, the fucking AV Squad?Copy !req
610. No, I don't think so!Copy !req
611. - Fine. I'll leave.
- Thank you.Copy !req
612. By the way, there was somebody
who rang bell earlier.Copy !req
613. Who was it?
- I don't know, I didn't answer.Copy !req
614. It was my dress.
It was my dress being delivered.Copy !req
615. I need it
for the event this weekend.Copy !req
616. Why didn't you
fucking answer it?Copy !req
617. This is not my house.
I'm not even supposed
to be here.Copy !req
618. - Why am I answering your door?
- But you were here!Copy !req
619. Yeah, I was here literally,
but not figuratively.Copy !req
620. All right, you know what?
You go pick the dress up for me.Copy !req
621. All right? 'Cause you couldn't
get off your ass
to go to the door,Copy !req
622. then you can go drive
all the wayCopy !req
623. to the dressmaker
and pick it up for me!Copy !req
624. I don't understand.
If I wasn't here,
the guy knocks,Copy !req
625. nobody answers, and you still
don't get your dress.Copy !req
626. So how's it my fault?Copy !req
627. But you were here! So now,
you go pick up my dress!Copy !req
628. - "Steady, Inspector. Steady."
- What?Copy !req
629. All right.
I'll pick up your dress for you,Copy !req
630. but I feel it's only fair
to warn youCopy !req
631. that this path you're on
is quite treacherous...Copy !req
632. and can lead
to unforeseen consequences.Copy !req
633. Oh! No shit, Sherlock!Copy !req
634. Just get the fucking dress,
okay?Copy !req
635. I'm so sorry
for your loss.Copy !req
636. Oh, hey. Thanks for coming.
Thank you.Copy !req
637. What? Oh, no!Copy !req
638. Oh, my God!
Are you fucking kidding me?Copy !req
639. - Oh, my God.Copy !req
640. - Hello.
- Hey, it's me.Copy !req
641. Uh— Where are you?
The thing's about to start.Copy !req
642. I'm on Longbow.Copy !req
643. I took my shortcut,
but it's not working.Copy !req
644. - There's traffic.
Oh, you're kidding.Copy !req
645. Oh, come on!Copy !req
646. Why is there so much traffic?Copy !req
647. There's never traffic
on this shortcut!Copy !req
648. And I think Gabby
must have told people about it.Copy !req
649. Ah...
- I knew it!Copy !req
650. I knew I shouldn't
have told her!Copy !req
651. How long till you're here?Copy !req
652. I think I'm just gonna
turn around and go home.Copy !req
653. What?
So, you'll be a little late.Copy !req
654. Yeah. I—
I can't sit in traffic.Copy !req
655. I'm— I'm too smart.
I'm not like these people.Copy !req
656. You have to have done something
stupid to be in traffic.Copy !req
657. I don't belong here.
I'm gonna turn around.Copy !req
658. Tell—
Tell Hal I'm sorry.Copy !req
659. Larry's not coming.
Too much traffic.Copy !req
660. - Turned around and went home.
- Ah.Copy !req
661. Did he mention to you
what he did to my shirt?Copy !req
662. Why did you give him
your favorite shirt?Copy !req
663. I guess it's my fault.
You think it's my fault?Copy !req
664. No.Copy !req
665. What would you do if someone
asked for a nice shirt?Copy !req
666. Uh... If it's my friend,
I'd give it to 'em.Copy !req
667. And then if they spilled,
what would be your expectation?Copy !req
668. That they'd get it cleaned
and or replace it.Copy !req
669. Yeah.Copy !req
670. That's right.Copy !req
671. I'm sorry for your loss.Copy !req
672. Devoted husband
to his lovely wife, Anna,Copy !req
673. caring and loving father
to his sons, Hal and Caleb,Copy !req
674. and, on occasion,Copy !req
675. - not a bad golfer.Copy !req
676. I know he would've been
very gratifiedCopy !req
677. to see all his friends
and colleaguesCopy !req
678. who came out to pay tributeCopy !req
679. to this wonderful,
wonderful man,Copy !req
680. one of whom
I'd like to bring up right now.Copy !req
681. - Freddy Funkhouser.
I miss him.Copy !req
682. Thank you.Copy !req
683. Saul was a terrible golfer.Copy !req
684. Unless there was a little
scratch on the line.Copy !req
685. - Then, he was Jack Nicklaus.Copy !req
686. I loved him.
- Ah, Freddy. He loved you.Copy !req
687. These moments matter.Copy !req
688. And to look out and see...Copy !req
689. everyone here who made
such a sacrifice to be here,Copy !req
690. I know for the family,
it means everything.Copy !req
691. Larry David, uh,
couldn't make it here today.Copy !req
692. He got stuck in traffic,Copy !req
693. and he turned around
and went home.Copy !req
694. You know,
Saul was the kind of guyCopy !req
695. that would give you
the shirt off his back,Copy !req
696. even if it was his favorite one.
He wouldn't care.Copy !req
697. And if he was the one to stain
that shirt? Guess what.Copy !req
698. He would've given you
his favorite shirt back.Copy !req
699. He wouldn't just put his head
in the sand...Copy !req
700. and make it uncomfortable
for everybody.Copy !req
701. Probably would've given you
two shirts.Copy !req
702. What the hell's
going on here?Copy !req
703. I'm gettin' a lot
of dirty looks.Copy !req
704. - Uh... Freddy.
- What?Copy !req
705. Well, when he spoke,Copy !req
706. he said, "Larry David
couldn't be here todayCopy !req
707. because he got stuck in traffic
and turned around."Copy !req
708. What? Is he nuts?
Why would he do that?Copy !req
709. - I don't know. I don't know.
- That's crazy!Copy !req
710. It's 'cause I ruined
his favorite shirt.
I stained it.Copy !req
711. Who gives
their favorite shirt out?Copy !req
712. - No— No— Nobody.
- Who lends it?Copy !req
713. - You don't do that.
No. No.Copy !req
714. And by the way,
so what if I missed the funeral?Copy !req
715. - I went to his second wedding,Copy !req
716. I went
to his 60th birthday party.Copy !req
717. How many things is somebody
supposed to go through
in their life? It's crazy!Copy !req
718. Then throw in a graduation
on top of it, a bar mitzvah!Copy !req
719. - Yeah.
- I mean, there's no end to it!Copy !req
720. What do they want from you?Copy !req
721. None of this is your fault.
It's all Gabby's fault. Yeah.Copy !req
722. - 'Cause she's got a big mouth...
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
723. - All right. You ready for this?
- What?Copy !req
724. I know what happened with Hal.Copy !req
725. - I figured it out.
- What?Copy !req
726. She must've asked
for a secret on their date...Copy !req
727. then told everybody
about the mother-in-law.Copy !req
728. No doubt about it.Copy !req
729. - That's it.
- You nailed it!Copy !req
730. She's a blabbermouth.Copy !req
731. - What an idiot!
- Yes.Copy !req
732. Who goes on a date and goes,Copy !req
733. "By the way,
I fucked my mother-in-law"?Copy !req
734. - I know, it's so crazy.
It's crazy!Copy !req
735. But that's why
he's not talking to you.Copy !req
736. So, you're— you're done
with her? You're not gonna
see her anymore?Copy !req
737. - Oh. No, I'm gonna see her.
- Oh, you are?Copy !req
738. - Oh, yeah.
- Oh.Copy !req
739. Ah! Mr. Takahashi.Copy !req
740. Mr. Takahashi!Copy !req
741. In honor of Saul Berman,
the club will be mourning.Copy !req
742. So, no levity.Copy !req
743. - Smiling okay?
- No. Not even smiling.Copy !req
744. - Chuckling?
- No chuckling.Copy !req
745. Hey, let me ask you a question.Copy !req
746. Do you ever go to Katsuya?Copy !req
747. - Oh, Katsuya?
Yeah.Copy !req
748. Yes, my favorite.Copy !req
749. Could you do me a favor?Copy !req
750. I left an umbrella there,Copy !req
751. and they won't
give it back to me.Copy !req
752. Why not get new umbrella?Copy !req
753. Oh, because you can't replace
this umbrella.Copy !req
754. It holds up in gale-force winds.
It never goes inside out.Copy !req
755. It's the best umbrella
I ever had.Copy !req
756. No umbrella like that.Copy !req
757. This umbrella is like that.Copy !req
758. - Sou desu ka?
- What does that mean?Copy !req
759. - "Is that right?"
- Oh... "Sou desu ka."Copy !req
760. - "Sou desu ka."
- "Sou desu ka."Copy !req
761. - "Sou desu ka."
- "Sou desu ka."Copy !req
762. "Desu ka."
- "Sou desu ka."Copy !req
763. "Sou desu ka."
Anyway, what do you think?Copy !req
764. Could you get it back for me?Copy !req
765. No!Copy !req
766. Coming!Copy !req
767. Are you fucking kidding me?Copy !req
768. No good?Copy !req
769. You're a sharp dresser,
you know that?Copy !req
770. Yeah.
- What is this?
This, uh... shirt?Copy !req
771. - It's one of my two-tones.
- What's a two-tone?Copy !req
772. It's got, uh,
two different colorsCopy !req
773. for the inside and the outside.Copy !req
774. Do you ever dress up?
Do you have a tux?Copy !req
775. Yes.
Of course I have a tux.Copy !req
776. Do you enjoy
getting dressed up
or it's just the casual?Copy !req
777. It's not the dressing up part
that's disturbing to me,Copy !req
778. it's where you go
after you're dressed up.Copy !req
779. - Tuxedo itself is fine. Yeah.
Yeah.Copy !req
780. Like, if I just sat in the house
with a tuxedo on,Copy !req
781. that would be okay.Copy !req
782. You'd be okay
just watching some sports?Copy !req
783. Yeah. As long as I don't
have to go to the placeCopy !req
784. where I have to wear the tux.Copy !req
785. So, um, I had to go
to the valley the other day.Copy !req
786. - Mmm.
- Imagine my surprise...Copy !req
787. when the traffic was backed up
to Sunset Boulevard.Copy !req
788. - You...Copy !req
789. opened your big,
gentile mouth.Copy !req
790. I told two friends.Copy !req
791. Two friends
with very long commutes,Copy !req
792. by the way. But that's—Copy !req
793. That is not enough
to make a— a— a—Copy !req
794. - a traffic jam to Sunset.
- No, no! It is!Copy !req
795. Two friends
tell two other friendsCopy !req
796. tell two other friends!Copy !req
797. - It's like the coronavirus.
- I am sorry...Copy !req
798. and I promise
I won't tell anybody else.Copy !req
799. You know what? Even though...Copy !req
800. you gabbed and gave away
a precious secret...Copy !req
801. Yes?Copy !req
802. I'm still considering
having sex with you.Copy !req
803. I'm not taking it off the table.Copy !req
804. You're not taking it
off the table?Copy !req
805. - No, no. For now.
- Okay.Copy !req
806. - Yeah.
- Okay.Copy !req
807. Eh...Copy !req
808. We'll see how it goes.Copy !req
809. Brussels sprouts.
Ew!Copy !req
810. So many things
to find out about you!Copy !req
811. Oh, welcome back!
- Thank you.Copy !req
812. - Oh, you're back too.
That's right.Copy !req
813. Uh— I asked for the same table.Copy !req
814. - Right this way.
That— That's okay.Copy !req
815. We'll find it. Yeah.Copy !req
816. Did you mail that umbrella?Copy !req
817. - Uh— Please, enjoy your dinner.
- Yeah, thank you. Yeah.Copy !req
818. - Irasshaimase!
- Irasshaimase!Copy !req
819. He steal umbrella
from Dallas Omni Hotel!Copy !req
820. - She slept with student!
- He ask her to prom!Copy !req
821. What?Copy !req
822. - You told them?
- No, I didn't.Copy !req
823. - You swore to me.
- I didn't say anything.Copy !req
824. He was captain
of basketball team!Copy !req
825. She blew him in car!Copy !req
826. Gochisousama deshita!Copy !req
827. Arigatou gozaimashita!Copy !req
828. - Thank you for coming,
Mr. David.
- Oh, yeah. Sure.Copy !req
829. Oh, my God! Look! Look at this!
Look what's going on here!Copy !req
830. Look! Look at this!Copy !req
831. Hey!
That's my umbrella!Copy !req
832. No.Copy !req
833. It's Dallas Omni Hotel umbrella.Copy !req