Curb Your Enthusiasm 11x1

1. Hello?

2. So it looks like what happened is this individual

3. broke into your home, burglarized it,

4. and in an apparent attempt to escape, tripped,

5. hit his head, and fell into the pool and drowned.

6. You know, I was sleeping, I don't know what—

7. Well, I heard a noise, I woke up.

8. All right. And when you came outside,

9. did you see or hear anyone?

10. No. No. Nothing. Mm-mm.

11. All right. And, sir, your name is?

12. Willie Nobody.

13. All right. And you also live on the property?

14. Fuck yeah, I live here.

15. That's my little bungalow right there.

16. Okay, and I see you don't have your fence up around

17. the perimeter of the pool, is there a reason for that?

18. What? Fence?

19. Santa Monica City Ordinance 8.12.150 says you must have

20. a fence around the perimeter of your pool

21. of at least five feet at all times.

22. Fence?

23. I... Honestly, I don't know anything about—

24. Nobody told me anything about a fence.

25. I bought the house from somebody. They didn't...

26. This is the way it came,

27. and nobody said anything about a fence.

28. Well, you are supposed to have one.

29. Am I in trouble? What does this mean?

30. You seem like a decent guy, so I'm gonna give you a pass,

31. but get the fence put in.

32. Thank you so much. Thank you.

33. Can you believe it? No!

34. Seeing that in your pool.

35. Who expects something— I wouldn't even have dreamed

36. - of something like that. - Imagine! You know, why me?

37. - Why you? - What's in my house?

38. - Hi, welcome to Netflix. Hi.

39. Larry David, Jeff Greene to see Don Winston Jr.

40. Great. Just give me one sec.

41. - Don Jr. - Don Jr.

42. Yeah. Don Jr.

43. How do you have a name like that?

44. Must be horrible.

45. Trump has really ruined it for all Don Jrs, hasn't he?

46. I would not want that as my name.

47. - Oh, my God. - All right, Larry.

48. - Jeff. - Thank you.

49. - Elevators are to your right. - Thank you.

50. Oh, hey. You going to Albert Brooks' funeral?

51. I have no choice.

52. Who throws a funeral for themselves while they're alive?

53. He does. And I have to speak. He's asked me to speak.

54. - No. - Yeah.

55. - No. - Yeah.

56. - Oh, jeez. Yeah.

57. All right. You ready for my pitch? Yeah.

58. The show is called Young Larry.

59. It's about my life when I was like 24, 25.

60. I lived in Brooklyn with my parents.

61. And my Uncle Mo lived upstairs with my grandmother.

62. Mm-hmm. - Mo was in his 70s.

63. He pushed racks in the Garment Center.

64. Would take the subway every day.

65. He never spent a nickel in his life,

66. - so he had over a million dollars saved up. - Uh-huh.

67. So, one day, Uncle Mo comes up to me, and he says...

68. - "I'm moving into the city..."

69. "... and I want you to live with me,

70. and if you live with me, I'll leave all my money to you."

71. - Wow. Wow.

72. So, in the show, I move in with Uncle Mo.

73. And, uh, I do everything that I can...

74. to accelerate his...

75. - demise.

76. So, how does he try to kill him?

77. Subtly. You know, like, giving him terrible food to eat,

78. Reuben sandwiches.

79. - Oh, God! Okay!

80. Making him climb up six flights of stairs,

81. telling him the elevator's broken.

82. - You know, things like that.

83. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, Young Larry, what's going on

84. in his life right now? Like, what is he doing?

85. Okay. Very good question.

86. - Thank you. - He's a private chauffeur.

87. He drives for an old woman. I was a private chauffeur.

88. I drove this old lady around. She was blind.

89. I never cleaned the car.

90. - She had no idea.

91. And so he has this huge Cadillac limousine

92. at his disposal that he uses all the time.

93. And I was a stand— I was trying to be a stand-up comic.

94. So I was just starting out doing my act.

95. Oh, that's really interesting.

96. You know, we'll see him do stand-up...

97. Sure. - ... when he's not chauffeuring

98. or whatever and trying to kill his uncle.

99. Wow. I love this.

100. - I think this is great. - Really?

101. I think we wanna do the show. And we're in.

102. Yeah? Yes, in!

103. You're kidding, really?

104. I love that. Absolutely.

105. Ah! Oh, my God. - Look at that.

106. - Purell? How about that? - I'm good for now.

107. I'm not a Purell hoarder.

108. Remember, the pandemic, the hoarders?

109. Hell yeah. - Nasty people.

110. - Terrible. - They're like horse thieves

111. - in the old West, aren't they?

112. Okay. You'll find that I'm a pleasure to work with.

113. Don't give me any notes. That's all.

114. I'm not— I'm not joking.

115. I'm not joking. It's not a joke.

116. - That's great.

117. Hey. Thanks for lunch.

118. Oh, hell yeah.

119. Every time we sell a show that quickly, I'm buying.

120. So you're still going to, uh, Leon's girlfriend's—

121. - What's her name? - Mary Ferguson.

122. - Mary Ferguson's dinner party? - Yeah.

123. Leon said she has a nice place. I wish he'd move in.

124. Bringing anyone? - Yeah. I'm taking Lucy Liu.

125. - Really? - Yeah.

126. - How many dates is this? - This will be our third date.

127. Wow.

128. Hey. Isn't that Dennis Zweibel?

129. That is Dennis Zweibel, yeah.

130. You know, he still owes me 6,000 dollars.

131. Remember, I fronted the money for that golf trip?

132. Yeah. I paid you.

133. Yeah, you did. And everybody else did except him.

134. Well, you know, I, uh...

135. I heard he's got early onset dementia.

136. Yeah.

137. I better get the money now before he forgets.

138. Hey, Dennis.

139. - Oh, hey, Larry. - Hey, nice shirt.

140. How's it going?

141. - Great. How are you? - Yeah. Pretty good.

142. - Slightly awkward, but, uh... - Yeah?

143. Remember the golf trip six months ago?

144. - Uh-huh. - I put up money for everybody.

145. And just a little reminder that, uh, I don't know,

146. you probably forgot all about it but, uh, you never—

147. you never paid me the money back, so...

148. - I didn't forget. - Well, if you didn't forget,

149. how come— how come you didn't pay me?

150. What are you— What are you doing?

151. Like, are you, like, stalking me?

152. Stalking you? Nothing wrong with a little reminder, is there?

153. It's just— it's rude. That's all.

154. It's just, you know. It's not necessary.

155. It's rude? I'll tell you what's rude.

156. - Yeah. - You know what's rude?

157. - What? What's rude? - Owing somebody 6,000 dollars

158. for six months and never mentioning anything about it

159. and not paying them back, that's rude.

160. - What's wrong with you? - What's wrong with me?

161. - What is wrong with you? - I think the question is what's wrong with you?

162. - Yes, you. You'd like walk around and... - You owe somebody 6,000 dollars.

163. - You didn't forget. Is that how you see the world?

164. You walk around the world and go...

165. - And you didn't pay them. - ..."Oh, there's a guy that owes me money.

166. There's a guy that doesn't owe me money."

167. Yeah. The shoe's on the other foot! Everybody else paid.

168. "That guy might owe me money. Maybe I'll loan him money."

169. But not you. You decided not to pay.

170. - I know I owe you money. - Yeah.

171. When I see you at the club,

172. - I'll write you a check. - Fine.

173. And then you'll have your money, and it will be wonderful.

174. Oh. Oh, I see. Oh, I'm the bad guy here.

175. You're sick. You have— you need help.

176. - I'm sick? - Yeah. You need help.

177. - I'm sick? - You'll get your money.

178. - I didn't do anything! - You're gonna get your money.

179. I'm not the bad guy.

180. How— How would you— How am I the bad guy?

181. How's it back there? Comfortable?

182. Oh, it's so nice. Yeah?

183. It's perfect. - You sure you don't want me

184. - to move up? - No. Oh, I'm great.

185. You know what, I am so excited.

186. I can't believe I'm in a car with Albert Brooks,

187. Lucy Liu, and Jerry David. I just— I can't believe

188. - we're all going. - Oh, you're so funny.

189. Oh, I got my Jews confused a little bit.

190. I got my Jews confused?

191. - She's funny, Albert. - She's funny.

192. - Yeah. - Yeah. Anti-Semitic, but funny.

193. You know, I'm a huge fan of Albert's.

194. And I haven't had sex in year, so I'm really excited.

195. - Pull over. I'm done.

196. Oh, no, no!

197. So, Albert, uh, Larry told me that you're having a funeral

198. - for yourself? - Yeah. I call it a live funeral.

199. Right. Oh, that's great. - So what is that about?

200. So in the last three years, I've been to five real funerals.

201. Oh, God.

202. The idea that people get together and friends

203. get together and say wonderful things

204. should be done to a person who can hear it.

205. - I love that idea. - Yeah.

206. And so it's just a different way

207. of thinking about it.

208. I can't stand that all this praise is going

209. to somebody in a box.

210. You can't stand that the praise is going to somebody else.

211. I will bet money this catches on.

212. Okay! You're on!

213. Wait a second. So he was dead in the pool?

214. Dead. Completely dead.

215. How does the guy get in the pool?

216. Don't you have a fence?

217. - Mm-mm. That's city code.

218. That's right. It's actually a law.

219. In Santa Monica, you have to have a fence.

220. All right. Can we talk about something else?

221. So— Oh, everybody, uh, announcement to me.

222. Mary and I are going on a trip to Asia.

223. Really? Wow!

224. That's great. - Yeah. In a few months. In a few months.

225. We already got our seats picked out already

226. - on the plane. - Yeah.

227. Uh, reservations already made.

228. - And where? China? - All over that motherfucker.

229. - Everywhere. - Everywhere.

230. By the way, expensive trip, no?

231. Fuck yeah, it was. Had to do a little GoFundMe.

232. - What did you tell them?

233. - You must have had a sad story? - I said I'm taking my baby...

234. - my baby to Asia.

235. That was it? And people gave you money?

236. - Fuck yeah. - I think it's brilliant.

237. - I'm gonna try it. - Come on.

238. Really. My baby has never seen a Ferrari.

239. Please, if you wanna send us to Italy

240. to pick it up from the factory...

241. Gosh. Look, I'm gonna go check on dinner, okay?

242. I'll come and help you.

243. Susie, I've been looking at your bracelet since I got here.

244. - Can I... - Isn't it stunning?

245. Oh, it's incredible.

246. I got this at Dennis Zweibel's jewelry store.

247. Oh, my God. It looks like an antique.

248. Dennis Zweibel? Yeah.

249. The guy owes me 6,000 dollars for six months.

250. I asked him for the money. He got completely offended.

251. You don't need to ask him for money.

252. I mean, how long do I have to wait?

253. Six months, a year, ten years?

254. When are you allowed to ask a person for their money back?

255. I don't know. Nine months?

256. I'm not the bad guy here. I didn't do anything wrong.

257. I loaned him the money! Maybe you're not the bad guy,

258. but you need to learn some compassion.

259. - Oh, my God!

260. Wow. Oh, jeez.

261. What did you do? What did you do?

262. What did I do? You plopped down on the couch.

263. - I didn't plop. - You plopped.

264. You are so fucking skinny, your arms can't even hold

265. - a fucking glass. - Oh, get out of here. "Skinny"!

266. - Puny, puny, puny. - You plopped down.

267. You don't know how to sit on the couch.

268. I didn't plop. - Did she plop?

269. - Oh, like I'm gonna say. - Did she plop?

270. I'm not taking sides on this.

271. - Oh, my God. What happened? The couch is ruined.

272. - What in the world? - He was unsteady in his hand

273. - and it just... - She plopped down on the couch

274. - and it spilled.

275. - It's gonna stain. - You know what, we'll pay for it.

276. What? Excuse me. Excuse me.

277. - No "we". You'll pay for it. - No, no. We will chip in.

278. - I didn't do a fucking thing. - You're completely responsible

279. - for that stain! - Hey, I got a great idea.

280. Why don't you two start a GoFundMe page?

281. - Oh, fuck you, Albert. - Fuck me?

282. - Yeah. - All right. I'm going with plop.

283. Okay. Look. Everybody, look, there's dinner outside

284. on the patio, let's have a good time.

285. Okay. - Okay?

286. Sorry.

287. She plopped.

288. That was very nice, Mary. - Oh, my God. Total plop.

289. From beginning to end! Are you kidding me?

290. - Oh, what the fuck, Larry?

291. Oh, my God.

292. Larry? Holy shit!

293. Is he all right? - You okay?

294. That's glass, Larry. - Fuck!

295. Oh, my gosh.

296. Shit, Larry.

297. - Can you stand up on your own? - Yeah. I'm okay.

298. Okay. - Okay.

299. - So this is glass. - Yeah. Yeah.

300. And there's an opening right here.

301. - Okay. Just hold my hand.

302. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

303. There's a step down. Step down.

304. Two feeble things in a fucking row, the fucking wine,

305. and now he walked into a fucking glass.

306. He got one more left.

307. I'mma drop his ass off at a nursing home.

308. All right.

309. So, uh...

310. Yes, I had a really nice night.

311. And, um, you know what, text me when you get home, okay?

312. So I know you got home safe and everything.

313. - Text you when I get home? - Get some rest,

314. and then we'll talk later, okay?

315. What? Wait a second.

316. I thought I would, uh...

317. - Uh... - Yeah... yeah.

318. - You know what, you've had a big night... - Go on, go ahead.

319. and, you know, I just feel like it was...

320. it was a lot for... for you.

321. - No. It wasn't a lot. - No. You fell.

322. - I mean, you hit your— - Oh yeah, yeah. So what? I got a very—

323. - You hit your face. - I got a hard head, yeah.

324. It's not a big deal.

325. Just go home. Take a bath. Relax. Put your feet up.

326. Do you have a hot blanket you can turn on?

327. - Yeah. - Put that on,

328. - and then just, like, get cozy. - Can I knit as well?

329. All right. I'm gonna go.

330. - Goodnight. Okay. - Okay.

331. Okay.

332. Whoo!

333. What's going on in there?

334. The fuck you think going on there?

335. That's where you're going?

336. This is the bathroom I use

337. to drop the kids off at the pool.

338. Why don't you use your own pool?

339. I can't drop kids off at the pool

340. in that little-ass bathroom.

341. Now if you don't want me to use this fucking bathroom

342. all the time, I'll move around.

343. We got plenty of pools in this big-ass house.

344. You can use any of the pools on that side of the house, okay?

345. Any of the pools down here.

346. There's one pool, though, that's completely off limits.

347. - Okay? - Mm.

348. - And that pools where? - And that pool is up there.

349. The resort pool is not available to me?

350. It's not available to you ever.

351. How about when you're not there?

352. No. Never. Never.

353. - Never? - Never.

354. - I feel you, though. - Okay.

355. Keep your pool to your fucking self.

356. - Absolutely. - Okay.

357. - Oh, that's Albert.

358. - Albert! - Hey.

359. - AB!

360. - Hey, Leon. Hey, hey. What's up, AB?

361. Thanks for inviting us. That was fun.

362. Fuck yeah. Took care of your ass, didn't I?

363. Great time. - Huh?

364. Listen, I just stopped by to pick up a photo

365. of you, me, and Marty Short taken at Lincoln Center

366. that I want for the memorial. Can I borrow it?

367. - Sure. - That's all.

368. - Yeah. Yeah. It's in there. - Thank you.

369. - This memorial!

370. Yeah, that's it. I love this.

371. Hey, uh, what's the dress code for... the event?

372. Like any funeral, the dress code is a dark suit.

373. Can I bring Mary?

374. Yeah. Is she a fan? Has she seen any of my movies?

375. To be honest, AB,

376. I haven't even seen any of your fucking movies.

377. Okay. Well, there's two on Netflix

378. if you wanna watch them before you come.

379. By the way, what about you? Are you all right?

380. - How's your head? - I'm good.

381. - Did you get an MRI? - Why? Why do you say that?

382. - You know what a brain bleed is? - I don't care.

383. - You don't care? Yeah. I don't care.

384. Drop dead.

385. Hey, then we could have a real funeral!

386. - A real one, okay? - Okay.

387. And people will say all these wonderful things about me.

388. Yes! Let's keep our fingers crossed.

389. All right. - Maybe I'll die

390. and it'll be a real one.

391. And then you'll see the difference.

392. You're through?

393. - Yeah. I guess. Okay.

394. - How's Lucy Liu? Not good.

395. Something's off. Something is very off.

396. - Yeah. I'm telling you,

397. she doesn't look at me as a sexual being anymore.

398. Yes, because you walked into a door.

399. Big deal. She could've walked into a glass door.

400. Well, she didn't, and you did.

401. And that's what the Three Stooges did,

402. and they didn't get laid either, so...

403. You're right, man.

404. That little fat motherfucker, who run on the floor,

405. like in circles, going...

406. He never got laid. - That motherfucker never got no ass.

407. - I guarantee you. - Once they see you in that way,

408. like a cripple...

409. - Mm. - ... there's no sex anymore.

410. You know, it throws them off.

411. Well, I mean, you don't know what to do.

412. Do you take care of them?

413. I thought they liked taking care of you.

414. - Women love taking care of men. - That's not true

415. No, I disagree.

416. There's a Munchausen thing that they have

417. where they want you sick in bed and you can't do anything with anybody.

418. They don't want you to have fun with anybody else.

419. And this is it. And now you're trapped in the bed.

420. - They love that. - That's your concept of women?

421. - Yes. Okay.

422. - Yeah. - Well...

423. A normal woman doesn't wanna take care of you.

424. She wants to feel you can... You know.

425. Hey, a lady wants you to tap that ass, know what I mean?

426. I'll tap. I can tap. Give me a chance to tap.

427. You tapped the door. You're never gonna tap her.

428. Okay. Get out. Get out.

429. Please come. Don't worry about the movies.

430. Although, if you wanna see Concussion,

431. - that one is on Amazon Prime. He's a doctor, yeah. He's— he's a doctor, yeah.

432. Okay. Coolio. Yeah, Concussion.

433. You got a delivery or something.

434. Oh, yeah.

435. Hey, wear a tie.

436. Okay.

437. What's this?

438. Uh...

439. Shit.

440. Santa Monica Municipal Code, fencing regulations.

441. "Every swimming pool shall completely surround

442. such body of water or property with a fence

443. five feet above the adjacent grade at all places."

444. "Let's talk."

445. Holy shit.

446. Yeah. I know what the fuck that is.

447. Someone's trying to come up. Someone's trying to get paid.

448. It's extortion.

449. Larry David.

450. At your service.

451. I'm Marcos. This is my taqueria. You want a taco?

452. Uh—

453. Anyways, let's get down to business.

454. Yes. Let's.

455. Ah, you just seem like a nice guy.

456. I'm a living doll, as my mother would say.

457. My brother was a nice guy too. But now he's dead.

458. Yeah, sorry.

459. It's not your fault that he drowned in your pool.

460. I mean, I know it. You know that.

461. But do the courts know that?

462. Then I started thinking about all the fees and litigation

463. and attorneys and possible jail time.

464. That's a lot to handle.

465. But, you know, you lucked out. You scored a friend.

466. - Lucky me. - Yeah.

467. But looking down that tunnel, it's like nothing but money

468. emptying out of your pockets.

469. Unless...

470. Unless what?

471. - My daughter. - Ah.

472. - She wants to be an actress. - Oh, does she?

473. She's great. Maria Sofia! There she is. Hi, baby.

474. She'd be perfect for your new show.

475. What? Her?

476. "Larry David pilot in dev at Netflix."

477. - Right? Look.

478. There's nothing for her in the show.

479. There's no... there's no part for her.

480. "Casting the role of Marsha Lifshitz."

481. That's a Jewish girl from Brooklyn

482. who's an aspiring ballerina.

483. - Maria. Maria Sofia. Come here. What?

484. You gotta meet her.

485. - Hi, baby. - Hey.

486. This is Larry David.

487. - How are you doing? - How you doing?

488. Tell him about your high school plays.

489. Dad. Yeah, well, I played Juliet in high school.

490. I mean, it was amazing. You should have seen it.

491. Oh, sorry I missed it.

492. - And she also dances. - Yeah.

493. - Show him how you dance, baby. Oh, okay.

494. No, no, no. You don't need to show me how you dance.

495. Okay go. One, two, three.

496. Re-re-rewind.

497. That's very good. Very good. Bravo. Yes.

498. - Excellent. Good job. Very good. - Oh, thank you, thank you.

499. That's not the whole thing. There's a flip at the end.

500. Yeah. I'm sure. I'm sure. Yeah.

501. Okay. Go ahead to the table. I'm gonna talk to Larry.

502. - Uh, talented girl, for sure. - Thank you.

503. Thing is, even if she's the best actress in the world,

504. which she very well could be,

505. but just not right for this part.

506. But I know Marsha Lifshitz is that girl right there

507. eating those leftover tacos.

508. Look, we'll find her something else.

509. I'll send her picture and resume

510. to a bunch of agents I know, we can get her started.

511. That'd be so great.

512. I just don't know if you have all the time in the world,

513. you know, with the lawsuits and possible jail time coming.

514. What do we do?

515. Well, okay, she can, you know...

516. - She can audition. - Hmm.

517. - I'll give her an audition. - I got you.

518. We'll take that audition. And then see you on set.

519. Suppose I cast her and then, you know, the show gets cancelled?

520. Shows get cancelled all the time.

521. As long as you cast her, we're good.

522. It's extortion, Jeff! Total extortion.

523. What— what are you gonna do? This is crazy.

524. I mean, you know, he could sue me for everything.

525. And he could bring criminal charges.

526. So is his daughter gonna audition?

527. "Audition"!

528. We'll go through a charade of an audition,

529. but it's not an audition really.

530. - She's got the part. This is a nightmare.

531. - Oh. Hey, Dennis. - Hi, Larry.

532. What are you doing? You going out?

533. - Yeah. You? - I just quit.

534. Oh. Not for good, I hope.

535. - Uh, maybe.

536. - So sick of it, you know. - Yeah.

537. Hey, so the last time I saw you, you said,

538. the next time you see me at the club,

539. - which is now... - Uh-huh.

540. to remind you about the 6,000 dollars you owe me

541. and that you would, uh, have a check and pay me.

542. That's close, Larry.

543. Uh, you saw me and you reminded me

544. of the 6,000 dollars, and I pulled out my checkbook,

545. and I wrote you a check for 6,000 dollars.

546. - What? - Yeah.

547. - I paid you at the farm shop. - No. No, you didn't.

548. Of course I did.

549. Dennis, you didn't pay me at the farm shop.

550. I paid you. I wrote a check to you for 6,000 dollars.

551. No, you did not. You didn't.

552. I would remember that, okay, if you paid me.

553. I remember what you wore.

554. You wore a green sweater, tan pants,

555. a blue and white checkered shirt.

556. You had an almond decaf latte and a bran muffin.

557. Now if I know all that, don't you think

558. I would know if you paid me?

559. - Why would I lie about that? - I'll tell you what else.

560. I complimented you on that shirt.

561. - You didn't compliment me. - I most certainly did.

562. You've never complimented me in your life.

563. There's never anything to compliment you about.

564. Ask around and see if anyone else remembers

565. being complimented by you.

566. I compliment people's outfits all the time.

567. - You're a bad guy, Larry. - I'm not the bad guy!

568. - You are the bad guy! - You're the bad guy!

569. - No. I pay my debts! - It's true. You didn't pay anything!

570. - I pay my debts! Larry, Larry,

571. - leave the guy alone. Come on, man.

572. - What are you doing, man? What?

573. What are you, hassling him for money?

574. - He's got dementia. - So what?

575. Dementia's not a license to steal, is it?

576. Well, how do we know you didn't forget?

577. What are you talking about?

578. We heard that you ran into a sliding glass door recently.

579. Yeah. I walked into the door. I didn't see the door.

580. How could I? It looks like air.

581. Everybody's done it. Hey, let me ask you a question.

582. Have I ever complimented you two guys on anything?

583. - No. - No.

584. I didn't tell you I liked your new PING driver?

585. No, you didn't.

586. Oh. Must've been somebody else.

587. Maybe this Maria Sofia will be okay.

588. Maybe she won't be as bad as we think. Who knows?

589. I know.

590. But it's acting. It's not so hard.

591. I think anybody can do it. What's the big deal?

592. What do you do? You say the words, you make a face.

593. There's— there's nothing to it.

594. We're fucked. It's a big bowl of fucks.

595. - Where's Lucy? - Oh, she's gonna meet us there.

596. - What's the matter with you? - What are you talking about?

597. What are you, harassing poor Dennis Zweibel?

598. You think I don't hear about these things?

599. - Oh, please. - He's impaired.

600. I waited six months to ask him for that money.

601. Six months. I should've asked after a month,

602. but I was being really nice.

603. This keeps catching on the chiffon.

604. It's ruining my whole outfit.

605. You know what? You're petty. You're just petty.

606. You think I'm petty? Yeah.

607. Huh? Can I tell you a real example of petty?

608. You plopped down on that couch, spilled the wine on it,

609. I got charged for the cleaning,

610. and you didn't even offer to chip in.

611. Because I didn't plop.

612. Oh, no. You plopped. You're a plopper.

613. - You've always been a plopper. - Jeff, did I plop?

614. - Don't ask me. Yeah, you plopped.

615. Here's what you did. You went like this. You went like this.

616. Oh, my God. I didn't ask for a reenactment.

617. Ah! Ah! Stone missing. Stone missing.

618. How are we gonna find it? It's tiny.

619. - Do you see it, huh? - I'm looking.

620. Jesus Christ, Larry.

621. They ricochet all over the fucking place.

622. Move your foot. You know what, Larry...

623. - You see it? - No.

624. All right. You know what, Larry? Forget it. Just get out.

625. I don't wanna drive you to the funeral.

626. - What? - Just drive yourself.

627. I don't wanna look at your face in the rearview mirror.

628. Just get the fuck out.

629. - What? - Out!

630. Fine. Fine. Fine. I'll drive myself.

631. Who the fuck wants to go with you anyway?

632. And let me tell you something, okay?

633. I am not a bad guy. Not a bad guy.

634. A good guy. A very good guy.

635. Hey.

636. How you doing?

637. Why so sad?

638. Why so sad? It's—

639. I mean, too soon.

640. He's upstairs. What's this thing?

641. The shiva— The Shavuot.

642. The rending of the clothes. This is—

643. Oh, you're really going Jew-ey here, aren't you?

644. Oh, that reminds me. Uh, I wrote a few things down.

645. Is bashert a word that I could use?

646. What's the context?

647. "I'm feeling bashert at the loss of our friend, Albert."

648. No. Bashert, it means "fate."

649. I think you wanna say, "I'm feeling a lot of tsuris."

650. Tsuris? How do you spell that?

651. T-S-U-R-I-S.

652. - Tsuris? - Yeah.

653. Hey, whatever happened to the movie where you were playing me?

654. - Oh, God. - The character was based on me.

655. You would...

656. Yeah, it went away.

657. They tested it and the audiences didn't really respond

658. - to the main character. - Really?

659. They fill out cards with the feedback.

660. The word that kept reappearing was "repugnant."

661. Repugnant?

662. There wasn't much they could do to fix it.

663. I mean, I thought it was—

664. It's possible it was a performance thing.

665. It's interesting, 'cause they were very specific.

666. They loved the performance. They hated the character.

667. Was it a hatchet job on me? What was it?

668. I think it was pretty true to life.

669. - Hey, you know what? - Yeah.

670. It's bashert.

671. - See, I pick it up. - Yeah.

672. I pick it up. Tsuris. I'm gonna do tsuris.

673. Speaking of, um, when am I going up? Uh—

674. - Yeah. You're after me. - All right.

675. Look, there's Larry! Oh, he looks nice.

676. He wore a tie.

677. It's a good crowd. Everybody came.

678. Oh, my God.

679. I never thought I would live to see this day.

680. Larry. Oh, hey.

681. Hey. I got you a glass of water.

682. Oh, water?

683. Yeah. Just to make sure you're not impaired

684. - when you're up on the podium. - Mm-hmm.

685. Okay. Something's going on here with you.

686. Since I walked into the glass door,

687. you're treating me like I'm a— like an invalid.

688. Things changed when that happened.

689. - Oh, did they? - Yeah.

690. I don't see you in a sexual way anymore, so...

691. Hey, I'm as virile as I was three days ago.

692. And I was plenty virile then. And I'm plenty virile now.

693. And I can prove it to you. Let's go upstairs.

694. Come on. I'll prove it to you. You wanna test it?

695. - You wanna test it? - No. I don't wanna test it.

696. Test me. Test me. Come on. I dare you.

697. - Take care. Test me!

698. Watch out for glass.

699. Hey, one day, you're gonna run into glass. It's unavoidable!

700. I think we should go.

701. Larry, let's go. Thanks for the tie.

702. Okay. Hey, everybody. Let's get started.

703. Welcome, everyone. Thank you for coming.

704. It saddens me personally to be here today.

705. Mainly because my dear friend, Albert Brooks,

706. is very much alive.

707. Oh, don't do that.

708. It would've given Albert tremendous satisfaction

709. to see all these people gathered here

710. to pay their last respects to a man

711. they will see again in less than an hour.

712. - Come on, man.

713. I'm very sorry that Albert is faux dead.

714. Get the next person, please.

715. 'Cause I was going to leave him some faux money.

716. And know this, nobody loved Christ more than Albert.

717. Big Jesus guy. Big.

718. Is that true? Have you accepted Christ into your heart?

719. Are you crazy?

720. Albert is the one who inspired me

721. to become a stand-up comedian.

722. And that, more than anything,

723. makes me wish he was really dead.

724. - I hate him.

725. And now I'd like to bring up another friend of Albert's

726. who was also coerced into doing this, Mr. John Hamm.

727. - Ah. Okay. - I'm so excited.

728. I can't believe you know Jon Hamm.

729. I...

730. So much tsuris.

731. They say laughter is the best medicine.

732. And if that is the case, then...

733. Albert overmedicated us all.

734. - That's sweet. - He's funny.

735. - I know. - I'm sure many of you

736. will stand up here and praise the genius

737. of this inward-gazing comedy savant.

738. And you'd be right to.

739. He was my absolute, hands-down, favorite comedian of all time.

740. And now he's been taken from us far too soon.

741. Albert was one of the great American filmmakers

742. of his or of any generation. And...

743. - Where are you going? - Bathroom.

744. - I'm after you. Okay.

745. Don't let anybody else go in.

746. That was the movie I always wanted to make

747. about jealousy.

748. That is how much his art resonated with audiences.

749. Before I got a chance to know him as a friend,

750. I was just a fan.

751. I wish I had one more chance just to tell him

752. how much Lost in America resonated with me.

753. Oh, my God.

754. He's a COVID hoarder.

755. Albert Brooks is a COVID hoarder.

756. - He's a fucking COVID hoarder.

757. - Albert's a COVID hoarder. - Are you kidding me?

758. Look at this, Jon Hamm! What the fuck?

759. What are you doing in the closet?

760. What's going on here?

761. Look at all that toilet paper.

762. And Purell!

763. First responders could have used all of that stuff.

764. Why are people in that closet?

765. Wait a minute. Are you really a COVID hoarder?

766. Hey, hey!

767. This is unacceptable.

768. What's going on in here?

769. The fuck is wrong with you?

770. You're sitting over there with a closet

771. full of fucking toilet paper?

772. Jesus Christ!

773. Unbelievable. - Have you no shame, Albert?

774. - Have you no shame? - Shanda! A shanda!

775. I just moved in here. This used to be a CVS.

776. You know what? I hope you really die.

777. Jon, this was beautiful! Come back!

778. Come on, Jeff. We're out of here.

779. This is a mistake!

780. You disgust me.

781. Shame on you, Albert Brooks.

782. Come back. I've got flu shots.

783. Maybe we'll try again next year.

784. Yeah.

785. - Fucking Albert! - I know, right?

786. - Let's get out of here. - Yeah.

787. Oh, hey, babe, I left my coat outside.

788. Oh, okay. Okay. Okay.

789. The fuck?

790. - Oh, shit.

791. I'm done with her, man.

792. Once you do that shit, you can't go back.

793. You can't unsee that shit.

794. You can't think of the person any other way.

795. I'm sure Lucy Liu felt the same way.

796. Even in the fucking animal world,

797. when pigeons fly into a motherfucking glass,

798. motherfucking office buildings and shit,

799. they ostracized from the other pigeons and shit.

800. You see a whole school of these motherfuckers,

801. whether pigeons or geese or whatever.

802. They fucking flying, and there's one motherfucker back there.

803. You know why? Because that goofy motherfucker ran

804. into a goddamn building last week,

805. and they don't fuck with him no more.

806. Huh.

807. That's why Mary Ferguson had to go.

808. Well, what are you gonna do? You paid for the plane ticket.

809. It's got Mary Ferguson's name on it.

810. It's nonrefundable. What are you gonna do, eat it?

811. No. I'm gonna find me another Mary Ferguson.

812. What are you talking about?

813. I'mma put an ad out. I'm gonna get them all here.

814. I'm gonna audition a bunch of Mary Fergusons.

815. Find the one I like and take her ass to Asia.

816. What random Mary Ferguson is gonna go to Asia

817. with some stranger who's probably a sociopath?

818. You're forgetting one key thing here.

819. Free. Who wouldn't wanna go to Asia for free?

820. They'll take that chance waking up dead

821. for a free trip to Asia. I promise you.

822. I think you might have something.

823. Okay. I'm gonna take me a little dip in the pool.

824. There was a dead body in there just a couple of days ago,

825. - just so you know. - It ain't in there now.

826. Oh, yeah, Susie.

827. Boy, you popped this right out of there.

828. I know. How did you do that?

829. - Oh, Larry. You know Larry. - Yeah. I'm not a fan.

830. Yeah. Well, he plopped and then it went flying

831. in the air and then it came out and I couldn't find the stone.

832. But then I remembered, you gave me a lifetime guarantee.

833. - So here I am. - A what? A lifetime—

834. A lifetime guarantee, Dennis, you don't remember?

835. I mean, Susie, I don't have to remember.

836. We don't— We've never given lifetime guarantees.

837. Well, you gave me one.

838. No, Susie, I never said that.

839. - Yes, you did, Dennis. I didn't—

840. Why would I say that?

841. - I don't know why. - That doesn't sound like something I would say.

842. Maybe 'cause I buy so much fucking jewelry here.

843. We appreciate that.

844. But, Susie, I'm sorry, I just have no memory of that.

845. Let me tell you something, dementia boy, you gave me

846. a lifetime guarantee, and I don't care

847. if you don't remember your dog's fucking name,

848. you're got to fix this and it's not gonna cost me

849. a goddamn thing. You hear me, Zweibel?

850. - You got it? - Got it.

851. I'll be back Friday.

852. Mary Ferguson.

853. Oh. Oh. My bad.

854. - How about you? - Oh, me?

855. Go on inside.

856. - Hi, guys. - Hey. Hello.

857. This is Brady Reiter, Larry David.

858. - Nice to meet you. Hi. Nice to meet you.

859. I've always loved traveling. And I've been dying

860. to go to Asia for years.

861. Would you have a problem faking a disability

862. just so we can get in those wheelchairs

863. and they can push our ass through the airport?

864. I don't think I would like that.

865. I want you to eat this matzah ball. Come on.

866. - Come on. Munch it. - Don't put the matzah ball here!

867. No matzah ball! Eat it!

868. That was great. Wow.

869. - That was great. Thank you guys!

870. - You guys have a great day. Good job.

871. Bye. Bye.

872. She's fucking hilarious.

873. Wow.

874. Yeah. Well, let's see. Let's see who else.

875. Okay.

876. Next.

877. Bye.

878. - Thank you. Thank you. - Thank you.

879. Thank you.

880. Mary Ferguson 5. Thank you.

881. Okay. Next.

882. - No. - Uh...

883. No. Fantastic. Thanks a lot.

884. She's amazing. - Yeah, she was fantastic.

885. I don't think so.

886. - Nah. - Eh.

887. Hmm. Next.

888. I want you to eat this matzah. Come on.

889. Ow. It's hot! Larry, your hands are all over it!

890. That was great.

891. - Thank you. Thanks, Julia.

892. - No. Okay.

893. - You ever dated a Laker? - No.

894. - How about Clipper? - I've never dated a Clipper.

895. Fuckin' dig it.

896. Suppose we crashed on a deserted island

897. and I make it and you don't make it.

898. - Is it cool— - You can eat me.

899. Oh. Shi... I think we should do this.

900. Wait. So am I going?

901. - Let's do this. - Let's do it!

902. What's up?

903. - Ah! - Ah!

904. Oh, shit! Oh, oh!

905. Hi. This is Maria Sofia Estrada.

906. - Larry David. - Hi.

907. What's up?

908. Hello.

909. Did you...

910. - Oh. Oh, headshot.

911. Yeah. Of course. Of course. Of course. No problem.

912. Do you have a resume?

913. Uh... No resume.

914. And— Yeah, and your mark's back there, so...

915. Oh. There.

916. Right there. Yeah. Great.

917. Okay.

918. To me. Eyeline to me. Whenever you're ready.

919. Larry, my mother wants to know if you wanna come

920. to our cedar Friday night.

921. Uh, it's Seder. Uh, nah, I don't think so.

922. And I want you to meet my boo-bay.

923. Your what?

924. My grandmother.

925. Yeah. I can't be around old people.

926. They creep me out.

927. - Oh, stop. Okay. Fine.

928. But only on one condition, okay? You have to finish your lunch.

929. - I'm full. - Look, you didn't need to think.

930. Marsha, seriously, you're too thin.

931. You're like a rail. Come on.

932. This is a good weight for me.

933. Okay. But at least finish the matzah ball, right?

934. No.

935. What is it? Do you have an eating disorder?

936. - No. Marsha, I swear to God.

937. - I want you to eat the matzah ball Ew! Gross!

938. Come on! Come on! - Ew! No, stop!

939. - Stop. Okay.

940. Thank you.

941. - Thanks, Maria. - Thank you.

942. Nice to meet you. - Oh, that's it?

943. - Yeah. - Yeah. That's it.

944. - Whoo! Thank you so much.

945. Thank you. Thank you.

946. Ooh, God.

947. We got her.

948. - Her? That's our gal!

949. - Larry. - Oh, my God.

950. All right. Let's go home.

951. - We still have three more girls. Yeah. I don't think so.

952. Some double date.

953. Quite a romantic evening this turned out, huh?

954. - Hey. Got any Purell? - Yeah.

955. Oh. - I ran out of the smaller ones.

956. That's a big boy.

957. Here. Keep it. I got another one, you know.

958. - Thanks.