1. Hello?Copy !req
2. So it looks like what happened
is this individualCopy !req
3. broke into your home,
burglarized it,Copy !req
4. and in an apparent attempt
to escape, tripped,Copy !req
5. hit his head, and fell
into the pool and drowned.Copy !req
6. You know, I was sleeping,
I don't know what—Copy !req
7. Well, I heard a noise,
I woke up.Copy !req
8. All right.
And when you came outside,Copy !req
9. did you see or hear anyone?Copy !req
10. No. No. Nothing. Mm-mm.Copy !req
11. All right.
And, sir, your name is?Copy !req
12. Willie Nobody.Copy !req
13. Fuck yeah, I live here.Copy !req
14. That's my little bungalow
right there.Copy !req
15. Okay, and I see you don't have
your fence up aroundCopy !req
16. the perimeter of the pool,
is there a reason for that?Copy !req
17. What? Fence?Copy !req
18. Santa Monica City Ordinance
8.12.150 says you must haveCopy !req
19. a fence around the perimeter
of your poolCopy !req
20. of at least five feet
at all times.Copy !req
21. Fence?Copy !req
22. I... Honestly, I don't know
anything about—Copy !req
23. Nobody told me anything
about a fence.Copy !req
24. This is the way it came,Copy !req
25. Well, you are supposed
to have one.Copy !req
26. Am I in trouble?
What does this mean?Copy !req
27. You seem like a decent guy,
so I'm gonna give you a pass,Copy !req
28. but get the fence put in.Copy !req
29. Thank you so much. Thank you.Copy !req
30. Can you believe it?
No!Copy !req
31. Seeing that in your pool.Copy !req
32. - of something like that.
- Imagine! You know, why me?Copy !req
33. Hi, welcome to Netflix.
Hi.Copy !req
34. Larry David, Jeff Greene
to see Don Winston Jr.Copy !req
35. Great. Just give me one sec.Copy !req
36. - Don Jr.
- Don Jr.Copy !req
37. Yeah. Don Jr.Copy !req
38. How do you have a name
like that?Copy !req
39. Must be horrible.Copy !req
40. I would not want that
as my name.Copy !req
41. - Oh, my God.
- All right, Larry.Copy !req
42. - Jeff.
- Thank you.Copy !req
43. Oh, hey. You going
to Albert Brooks" funeral?Copy !req
44. Who throws a funeral for
themselves while they're alive?Copy !req
45. He does. And I have to speak.
He's asked me to speak.Copy !req
46. - No.
- Yeah.Copy !req
47. Oh, jeez.
Yeah.Copy !req
48. All right. You ready for my pitch?
Yeah.Copy !req
49. The show is called Young Larry.Copy !req
50. It's about my life
when I was like 24, 25.Copy !req
51. I lived in Brooklyn
with my parents.Copy !req
52. And my Uncle Mo lived upstairs
with my grandmother.Copy !req
53. Mm-hmm.
- Mo was in his 70s.Copy !req
54. He pushed racks
in the Garment Center.Copy !req
55. Would take the subway every day.Copy !req
56. He never spent a nickel
in his life,Copy !req
57. So, one day, Uncle Mo comes up
to me, and he says...Copy !req
58. "... and I want you
to live with me,Copy !req
59. and if you live with me,
I'll leave all my money to you."Copy !req
60. Wow. Wow.Copy !req
61. So, in the show,
I move in with Uncle Mo.Copy !req
62. And, uh, I do everything
that I can...Copy !req
63. demise.Copy !req
64. So, how does he try to kill him?Copy !req
65. Subtly. You know, like,
giving him terrible food to eat,Copy !req
66. Reuben sandwiches.Copy !req
67. Oh, God! Okay!Copy !req
68. Making him climb up
six flights of stairs,Copy !req
69. telling him
the elevator's broken.Copy !req
70. You know, things like that.Copy !req
71. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, Young Larry, what's going onCopy !req
72. in his life right now?
Like, what is he doing?Copy !req
73. Okay. Very good question.Copy !req
74. He drives for an old woman.
I was a private chauffeur.Copy !req
75. I drove this old lady around.
She was blind.Copy !req
76. I never cleaned the car.Copy !req
77. And so he has this huge
Cadillac limousineCopy !req
78. at his disposal
that he uses all the time.Copy !req
79. And I was a stand— I was trying
to be a stand-up comic.Copy !req
80. So I was just starting out
doing my act.Copy !req
81. Oh, that's really interesting.Copy !req
82. Sure.
- ... when he's not chauffeuringCopy !req
83. or whatever and trying
to kill his uncle.Copy !req
84. Wow. I love this.Copy !req
85. - I think this is great.
- Really?Copy !req
86. Yeah?
Yes, in!Copy !req
87. You're kidding, really?Copy !req
88. I love that. Absolutely.Copy !req
89. - Purell? How about that?
- I'm good for now.Copy !req
90. I'm not a Purell hoarder.Copy !req
91. Remember, the pandemic,
the hoarders?Copy !req
92. Hell yeah.
- Nasty people.Copy !req
93. - Terrible.
- They're like horse thievesCopy !req
94. in the old West, aren't they?Copy !req
95. Okay. You'll find that
I'm a pleasure to work with.Copy !req
96. Don't give me any notes.
That's all.Copy !req
97. I'm not— I'm not joking.Copy !req
98. That's great.Copy !req
99. Hey. Thanks for lunch.Copy !req
100. Oh, hell yeah.Copy !req
101. So you're still going
to, uh, Leon's girlfriend's—Copy !req
102. - What's her name?
- Mary Ferguson.Copy !req
103. Leon said she has a nice place.
I wish he'd move in.Copy !req
104. Bringing anyone?
- Yeah. I'm taking Lucy Liu.Copy !req
105. - Really?
- Yeah.Copy !req
106. Wow.Copy !req
107. Hey. Isn't that Dennis Zweibel?Copy !req
108. That is Dennis Zweibel,
yeah.Copy !req
109. Remember, I fronted
the money for that golf trip?Copy !req
110. Yeah. I paid you.Copy !req
111. Well, you know, I, uh...Copy !req
112. I heard he's got
early onset dementia.Copy !req
113. Yeah.Copy !req
114. Hey, Dennis.Copy !req
115. - Oh, hey, Larry.
- Hey, nice shirt.Copy !req
116. How's it going?Copy !req
117. - Slightly awkward, but, uh...
- Yeah?Copy !req
118. Remember the golf trip
six months ago?Copy !req
119. - Uh-huh.
- I put up money for everybody.Copy !req
120. And just a little reminder that,
uh, I don't know,Copy !req
121. you probably forgot all about it
but, uh, you never—Copy !req
122. you never paid me the money
back, so...Copy !req
123. - I didn't forget.
- Well, if you didn't forget,Copy !req
124. how come—
how come you didn't pay me?Copy !req
125. What are you—
What are you doing?Copy !req
126. Like, are you, like,
stalking me?Copy !req
127. Stalking you? Nothing wrong with
a little reminder, is there?Copy !req
128. It's just— it's rude.
That's all.Copy !req
129. It's rude?
I'll tell you what's rude.Copy !req
130. - Yeah.
- You know what's rude?Copy !req
131. for six months and never
mentioning anything about itCopy !req
132. and not paying them back,
that's rude.Copy !req
133. - What's wrong with you?
- What's wrong with me?Copy !req
134. - What is wrong with you?
- I think the question is what's wrong with you?Copy !req
135. You didn't forget.
Is that how you see the world?Copy !req
136. You walk around
the world and go...Copy !req
137. There's a guy that doesn't
owe me money."Copy !req
138. "That guy might
owe me money.
Maybe I'll loan him money."Copy !req
139. - I know I owe you money.
- Yeah.Copy !req
140. When I see you at the club,Copy !req
141. - I'll write you a check.
- Fine.Copy !req
142. Oh. Oh, I see.
Oh, I'm the bad guy here.Copy !req
143. You're sick. You have—
you need help.Copy !req
144. - I'm sick?
- Yeah. You need help.Copy !req
145. - I'm sick?
- You'll get your money.Copy !req
146. I'm not the bad guy.Copy !req
147. How— How would you—
How am I the bad guy?Copy !req
148. How's it back there?
Comfortable?Copy !req
149. Oh, it's so nice.
Yeah?Copy !req
150. - to move up?
- No. Oh, I'm great.Copy !req
151. You know what,
I am so excited.Copy !req
152. Lucy Liu, and Jerry David.
I just— I can't believeCopy !req
153. - we're all going.
- Oh, you're so funny.Copy !req
154. Oh, I got my Jews confused
a little bit.Copy !req
155. I got my Jews confused?Copy !req
156. - She's funny, Albert.
- She's funny.Copy !req
157. - Yeah.
- Yeah. Anti-Semitic, but funny.Copy !req
158. You know,
I'm a huge fan of Albert's.Copy !req
159. And I haven't had sex in year,
so I'm really excited.Copy !req
160. Pull over. I'm done.Copy !req
161. Oh, no, no!Copy !req
162. - for yourself?
- Yeah. I call it a live funeral.Copy !req
163. Right. Oh, that's great.
- So what is that about?Copy !req
164. So in the last three years,
I've been to five real funerals.Copy !req
165. Oh, God.Copy !req
166. get together
and say wonderful thingsCopy !req
167. should be done to a person
who can hear it.Copy !req
168. - I love that idea.
- Yeah.Copy !req
169. And so it's just
a different wayCopy !req
170. of thinking about it.Copy !req
171. to somebody in a box.Copy !req
172. Okay! You're on!Copy !req
173. Wait a second.
So he was dead in the pool?Copy !req
174. Dead. Completely dead.Copy !req
175. How does the guy
get in the pool?Copy !req
176. Don't you have a fence?Copy !req
177. Mm-mm.
That's city code.Copy !req
178. That's right.
It's actually a law.Copy !req
179. In Santa Monica,
you have to have a fence.Copy !req
180. All right. Can we talk
about something else?Copy !req
181. So— Oh, everybody, uh,
announcement to me.Copy !req
182. Mary and I are going
on a trip to Asia.Copy !req
183. Really?
Wow!Copy !req
184. We already got
our seats picked out alreadyCopy !req
185. - on the plane.
- Yeah.Copy !req
186. Uh, reservations already made.Copy !req
187. - And where? China?
- All over that motherfucker.Copy !req
188. - Everywhere.
- Everywhere.Copy !req
189. By the way, expensive trip, no?Copy !req
190. Fuck yeah, it was.
Had to do a little GoFundMe.Copy !req
191. What did you tell them?Copy !req
192. my baby to Asia.Copy !req
193. That was it?
And people gave you money?Copy !req
194. - Fuck yeah.
- I think it's brilliant.Copy !req
195. - I'm gonna try it.
- Come on.Copy !req
196. Really. My baby has never seen
a Ferrari.Copy !req
197. Please, if you wanna send us
to ItalyCopy !req
198. to pick it up
from the factory...Copy !req
199. Gosh. Look, I'm gonna go
check on dinner, okay?Copy !req
200. I'll come and help you.Copy !req
201. - Can I...
- Isn't it stunning?Copy !req
202. Oh, it's incredible.Copy !req
203. Oh, my God.
It looks like an antique.Copy !req
204. Dennis Zweibel?
Yeah.Copy !req
205. I asked him for the money.
He got completely offended.Copy !req
206. You don't need to ask him
for money.Copy !req
207. I mean, how long
do I have to wait?Copy !req
208. Six months, a year, ten years?Copy !req
209. I don't know. Nine months?Copy !req
210. I loaned him the money!
Maybe you're not the bad guy,Copy !req
211. but you need to learn
some compassion.Copy !req
212. Oh, my God!Copy !req
213. Wow.
Oh, jeez.Copy !req
214. What did you do?
What did you do?Copy !req
215. What did I do?
You plopped down on the couch.Copy !req
216. - I didn't plop.
- You plopped.Copy !req
217. You are so fucking skinny,
your arms can't even holdCopy !req
218. - a fucking glass.
- Oh, get out of here. "Skinny"!Copy !req
219. - Puny, puny, puny.
- You plopped down.Copy !req
220. You don't know how to sit
on the couch.Copy !req
221. I didn't plop.
- Did she plop?Copy !req
222. - Oh, like I'm gonna say.
- Did she plop?Copy !req
223. I'm not taking sides on this.Copy !req
224. Oh, my God. What happened?
The couch is ruined.Copy !req
225. - What in the world?
- He was unsteady in his handCopy !req
226. - and it just...
- She plopped down on the couchCopy !req
227. - and it spilled.
- It's gonna stain.Copy !req
228. - It's gonna stain.
- You know what, we'll pay for it.Copy !req
229. What? Excuse me. Excuse me.Copy !req
230. - I didn't do a fucking thing.
- You're completely responsibleCopy !req
231. - for that stain!
- Hey, I got a great idea.Copy !req
232. Why don't you two start
a GoFundMe page?Copy !req
233. - Oh, fuck you, Albert.
- Fuck me?Copy !req
234. - Yeah.
- All right. I'm going with plop.Copy !req
235. Okay. Look. Everybody, look,
there's dinner outsideCopy !req
236. on the patio,
let's have a good time.Copy !req
237. Okay.
- Okay?Copy !req
238. She plopped.Copy !req
239. From beginning to end!
Are you kidding me?Copy !req
240. Oh, what the fuck, Larry?Copy !req
241. Oh, my God.Copy !req
242. Larry?
Holy shit!Copy !req
243. Is he all right?
- You okay?Copy !req
244. That's glass, Larry.
- Fuck!Copy !req
245. Oh, my gosh.Copy !req
246. Shit, Larry.Copy !req
247. - Can you stand up on your own?
- Yeah. I'm okay.Copy !req
248. Okay.
- Okay.Copy !req
249. - So this is glass.
- Yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
250. And there's an opening
right here.Copy !req
251. Okay.
Just hold my hand.Copy !req
252. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay.Copy !req
253. Two feeble things in
a fucking row, the fucking wine,Copy !req
254. and now he walked
into a fucking glass.Copy !req
255. He got one more left.Copy !req
256. All right.Copy !req
257. Yes, I had a really nice night.Copy !req
258. And, um, you know what,
text me when you get home, okay?Copy !req
259. So I know you got home safe
and everything.Copy !req
260. - Text you when I get home?
- Get some rest,Copy !req
261. and then we'll talk later,
okay?Copy !req
262. What? Wait a second.Copy !req
263. I thought I would, uh...Copy !req
264. - You know what, you've had a big night...
- Go on, go ahead.Copy !req
265. and, you know,
I just feel like it was...Copy !req
266. - No. It wasn't a lot.
- No. You fell.Copy !req
267. - I mean, you hit your—
- Oh yeah, yeah. So what? I got a very—Copy !req
268. - You hit your face.
- I got a hard head, yeah.Copy !req
269. It's not a big deal.Copy !req
270. Do you have a hot blanket
you can turn on?Copy !req
271. - Yeah.
- Put that on,Copy !req
272. All right. I'm gonna go.Copy !req
273. - Goodnight. Okay.
- Okay.Copy !req
274. Okay.Copy !req
275. Whoo!Copy !req
276. What's going on in there?Copy !req
277. The fuck you think
going on there?Copy !req
278. That's where you're going?Copy !req
279. This is the bathroom I useCopy !req
280. to drop the kids off
at the pool.Copy !req
281. Why don't you use your own pool?Copy !req
282. I can't drop kids
off at the poolCopy !req
283. in that little-ass bathroom.Copy !req
284. all the time, I'll move around.Copy !req
285. We got plenty of pools
in this big-ass house.Copy !req
286. You can use any of the pools
on that side of the house, okay?Copy !req
287. Any of the pools down here.Copy !req
288. There's one pool, though,
that's completely off limits.Copy !req
289. - Okay?
- Mm.Copy !req
290. The resort pool
is not available to me?Copy !req
291. It's not available to you ever.Copy !req
292. How about when you're not there?Copy !req
293. No. Never. Never.Copy !req
294. - Never?
- Never.Copy !req
295. Keep your pool
to your fucking self.Copy !req
296. - Absolutely.
- Okay.Copy !req
297. - Albert!
- Hey.Copy !req
298. AB!Copy !req
299. Hey, Leon.
Hey, hey. What's up, AB?Copy !req
300. Thanks for inviting us.
That was fun.Copy !req
301. Fuck yeah. Took care
of your ass, didn't I?Copy !req
302. Great time.
- Huh?Copy !req
303. Listen, I just stopped by
to pick up a photoCopy !req
304. of you, me, and Marty Short
taken at Lincoln CenterCopy !req
305. that I want for the memorial.
Can I borrow it?Copy !req
306. - Yeah. Yeah. It's in there.
- Thank you.Copy !req
307. This memorial!Copy !req
308. Yeah, that's it.
I love this.Copy !req
309. Hey, uh, what's the dress code
for... the event?Copy !req
310. Like any funeral,
the dress code is a dark suit.Copy !req
311. Can I bring Mary?Copy !req
312. To be honest, AB,Copy !req
313. Okay. Well,
there's two on NetflixCopy !req
314. if you wanna watch them
before you come.Copy !req
315. By the way, what about you?
Are you all right?Copy !req
316. - How's your head?
- I'm good.Copy !req
317. - Did you get an MRI?
- Why? Why do you say that?Copy !req
318. - You know what a brain bleed is?
- I don't care.Copy !req
319. You don't care?
Yeah. I don't care.Copy !req
320. Drop dead.Copy !req
321. - A real one, okay?
- Okay.Copy !req
322. And people will say all these
wonderful things about me.Copy !req
323. Yes!
Let's keep our fingers crossed.Copy !req
324. All right.
- Maybe I'll dieCopy !req
325. and it'll be a real one.Copy !req
326. You're through?Copy !req
327. How's Lucy Liu?
Not good.Copy !req
328. Something's off.
Something is very off.Copy !req
329. Yeah.
I'm telling you,Copy !req
330. Yes, because you walked
into a door.Copy !req
331. Big deal. She could've walked
into a glass door.Copy !req
332. Well, she didn't, and you did.Copy !req
333. And that's what
the Three Stooges did,Copy !req
334. and they didn't get laid either,
so...Copy !req
335. You're right, man.Copy !req
336. like in circles, going...Copy !req
337. - I guarantee you.
- Once they see you in that way,Copy !req
338. like a cripple...Copy !req
339. - Mm.
- ... there's no sex anymore.Copy !req
340. You know, it throws them off.Copy !req
341. Do you take care of them?Copy !req
342. - Women love taking care of men.
- That's not trueCopy !req
343. No, I disagree.Copy !req
344. There's a Munchausen thing
that they haveCopy !req
345. where they want you sick in bed
and you can't do anything
with anybody.Copy !req
346. They don't want you to have fun
with anybody else.Copy !req
347. And this is it. And now
you're trapped in the bed.Copy !req
348. - They love that.
- That's your concept of women?Copy !req
349. Yes.
Okay.Copy !req
350. - Yeah.
- Well...Copy !req
351. She wants to feel
you can... You know.Copy !req
352. Hey, a lady wants you to tap
that ass, know what I mean?Copy !req
353. I'll tap. I can tap.
Give me a chance to tap.Copy !req
354. You tapped the door.
You're never gonna tap her.Copy !req
355. Okay. Get out. Get out.Copy !req
356. Although,
if you wanna see Concussion,Copy !req
357. Okay. Coolio.
Yeah, Concussion.Copy !req
358. You got a delivery or something.Copy !req
359. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
360. Hey, wear a tie.Copy !req
361. Okay.Copy !req
362. What's this?Copy !req
363. Uh...Copy !req
364. Shit.Copy !req
365. "Every swimming pool
shall completely surroundCopy !req
366. such body of water or property
with a fenceCopy !req
367. five feet above the adjacent
grade at all places."Copy !req
368. "Let's talk."Copy !req
369. Holy shit.Copy !req
370. Someone's trying to come up.
Someone's trying to get paid.Copy !req
371. It's extortion.Copy !req
372. Larry David.Copy !req
373. At your service.Copy !req
374. I'm Marcos. This is my taqueria.
You want a taco?Copy !req
375. Anyways, let's get down
to business.Copy !req
376. Yes. Let's.Copy !req
377. Ah, you just seem like
a nice guy.Copy !req
378. I'm a living doll,
as my mother would say.Copy !req
379. My brother was a nice guy too.
But now he's dead.Copy !req
380. Yeah, sorry.Copy !req
381. It's not your fault
that he drowned in your pool.Copy !req
382. I mean, I know it.
You know that.Copy !req
383. But do the courts know that?Copy !req
384. Then I started thinking about
all the fees and litigationCopy !req
385. and attorneys
and possible jail time.Copy !req
386. That's a lot to handle.Copy !req
387. But, you know, you lucked out.
You scored a friend.Copy !req
388. - Lucky me.
- Yeah.Copy !req
389. emptying out of your pockets.Copy !req
390. Unless...Copy !req
391. Unless what?Copy !req
392. - My daughter.
- Ah.Copy !req
393. - She wants to be an actress.
- Oh, does she?Copy !req
394. She's great. Maria Sofia!
There she is. Hi, baby.Copy !req
395. She'd be perfect
for your new show.Copy !req
396. What? Her?Copy !req
397. "Larry David pilot
in dev at Netflix."Copy !req
398. Right?
Look.Copy !req
399. There's no...
there's no part for her.Copy !req
400. "Casting the role
of Marsha Lifshitz."Copy !req
401. That's a Jewish girl
from BrooklynCopy !req
402. who's an aspiring ballerina.Copy !req
403. Maria. Maria Sofia. Come here.
What?Copy !req
404. - Hi, baby.
- Hey.Copy !req
405. This is Larry David.Copy !req
406. - How are you doing?
- How you doing?Copy !req
407. Tell him about
your high school plays.Copy !req
408. Dad. Yeah, well,
I played Juliet in high school.Copy !req
409. I mean, it was amazing.
You should have seen it.Copy !req
410. Oh, sorry I missed it.Copy !req
411. - And she also dances.
- Yeah.Copy !req
412. Show him how you dance, baby.
Oh, okay.Copy !req
413. Okay go. One, two, three.Copy !req
414. Re-re-rewind.Copy !req
415. That's very good.
Very good. Bravo. Yes.Copy !req
416. - Excellent. Good job. Very good.
- Oh, thank you, thank you.Copy !req
417. That's not the whole thing.
There's a flip at the end.Copy !req
418. Yeah. I'm sure. I'm sure. Yeah.Copy !req
419. - Uh, talented girl, for sure.
- Thank you.Copy !req
420. Thing is, even if she's
the best actress in the world,Copy !req
421. which she very well could be,Copy !req
422. but just not right
for this part.Copy !req
423. But I know Marsha Lifshitz
is that girl right thereCopy !req
424. eating those leftover tacos.Copy !req
425. Look, we'll find her
something else.Copy !req
426. I'll send her
picture and resumeCopy !req
427. to a bunch of agents I know,
we can get her started.Copy !req
428. That'd be so great.Copy !req
429. I just don't know if you have
all the time in the world,Copy !req
430. you know, with the lawsuits
and possible jail time coming.Copy !req
431. What do we do?Copy !req
432. Well, okay, she can, you know...Copy !req
433. - I'll give her an audition.
- I got you.Copy !req
434. We'll take that audition.
And then see you on set.Copy !req
435. Suppose I cast her
and then, you know,
the show gets cancelled?Copy !req
436. Shows get cancelled
all the time.Copy !req
437. As long as you cast her,
we're good.Copy !req
438. What— what are you gonna do?
This is crazy.Copy !req
439. I mean, you know,
he could sue me for everything.Copy !req
440. And he could bring
criminal charges.Copy !req
441. So is his daughter
gonna audition?Copy !req
442. "Audition"!Copy !req
443. but it's not an audition really.Copy !req
444. - She's got the part.
- This is a nightmare.Copy !req
445. - Oh. Hey, Dennis.
- Hi, Larry.Copy !req
446. What are you doing?
You going out?Copy !req
447. - Yeah. You?
- I just quit.Copy !req
448. Oh.
Not for good, I hope.Copy !req
449. Uh, maybe.Copy !req
450. - So sick of it, you know.
- Yeah.Copy !req
451. Hey, so the last time
I saw you, you said,Copy !req
452. the next time
you see me at the club,Copy !req
453. - which is now...
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
454. to remind you about
the 6,000 dollars you owe meCopy !req
455. and that you would, uh,
have a check and pay me.Copy !req
456. That's close, Larry.Copy !req
457. Uh, you saw me
and you reminded meCopy !req
458. of the 6,000 dollars,
and I pulled out my checkbook,Copy !req
459. and I wrote you a check
for 6,000 dollars.Copy !req
460. - What?
- Yeah.Copy !req
461. Of course I did.Copy !req
462. I paid you. I wrote a check
to you for 6,000 dollars.Copy !req
463. No, you did not. You didn't.Copy !req
464. I would remember that, okay,
if you paid me.Copy !req
465. I remember what you wore.Copy !req
466. You wore a green sweater,
tan pants,Copy !req
467. a blue and white
checkered shirt.Copy !req
468. Now if I know all that,
don't you thinkCopy !req
469. I would know if you paid me?Copy !req
470. I complimented you
on that shirt.Copy !req
471. - You didn't compliment me.
- I most certainly did.Copy !req
472. You've never complimented me
in your life.Copy !req
473. There's never anything
to compliment you about.Copy !req
474. Ask around and see
if anyone else remembersCopy !req
475. being complimented by you.Copy !req
476. - You're a bad guy, Larry.
- I'm not the bad guy!Copy !req
477. - You are the bad guy!
- You're the bad guy!Copy !req
478. I pay my debts!
Larry, Larry,Copy !req
479. leave the guy alone.
Come on, man.Copy !req
480. What are you doing, man?
What?Copy !req
481. What are you,
hassling him for money?Copy !req
482. - He's got dementia.
- So what?Copy !req
483. Dementia's not a license
to steal, is it?Copy !req
484. Well, how do we know
you didn't forget?Copy !req
485. What are you talking about?Copy !req
486. Yeah. I walked into the door.
I didn't see the door.Copy !req
487. How could I?
It looks like air.Copy !req
488. Everybody's done it.
Hey, let me ask you a question.Copy !req
489. Have I ever complimented
you two guys on anything?Copy !req
490. - No.
- No.Copy !req
491. No, you didn't.Copy !req
492. Maybe this Maria Sofia
will be okay.Copy !req
493. Maybe she won't be as bad
as we think. Who knows?Copy !req
494. I know.Copy !req
495. I think anybody can do it.
What's the big deal?Copy !req
496. What do you do? You say
the words, you make a face.Copy !req
497. There's— there's nothing to it.Copy !req
498. We're fucked.
It's a big bowl of fucks.Copy !req
499. - Where's Lucy?
- Oh, she's gonna meet us there.Copy !req
500. - What's the matter with you?
- What are you talking about?Copy !req
501. What are you,
harassing poor Dennis Zweibel?Copy !req
502. You think I don't hear
about these things?Copy !req
503. - Oh, please.
- He's impaired.Copy !req
504. I waited six months
to ask him for that money.Copy !req
505. Six months. I should've
asked after a month,Copy !req
506. but I was being really nice.Copy !req
507. This keeps catching
on the chiffon.Copy !req
508. It's ruining my whole outfit.Copy !req
509. You know what? You're petty.
You're just petty.Copy !req
510. You think I'm petty?
Yeah.Copy !req
511. You plopped down on that couch,
spilled the wine on it,Copy !req
512. I got charged for the cleaning,Copy !req
513. and you didn't even offer
to chip in.Copy !req
514. Because I didn't plop.Copy !req
515. Oh, no. You plopped.
You're a plopper.Copy !req
516. - You've always been a plopper.
- Jeff, did I plop?Copy !req
517. Don't ask me.
Yeah, you plopped.Copy !req
518. Oh, my God.
I didn't ask for a reenactment.Copy !req
519. How are we gonna find it?
It's tiny.Copy !req
520. - Do you see it, huh?
- I'm looking.Copy !req
521. Jesus Christ, Larry.Copy !req
522. They ricochet
all over the fucking place.Copy !req
523. Move your foot.
You know what, Larry...Copy !req
524. - You see it?
- No.Copy !req
525. I don't wanna drive you
to the funeral.Copy !req
526. - What?
- Just drive yourself.Copy !req
527. Just get the fuck out.Copy !req
528. - What?
- Out!Copy !req
529. Fine. Fine.
Fine. I'll drive myself.Copy !req
530. Who the fuck wants
to go with you anyway?Copy !req
531. And let me
tell you something, okay?Copy !req
532. I am not a bad guy.
Not a bad guy.Copy !req
533. A good guy.
A very good guy.Copy !req
534. Hey.Copy !req
535. How you doing?Copy !req
536. Why so sad? It's—Copy !req
537. I mean, too soon.Copy !req
538. He's upstairs.
What's this thing?Copy !req
539. The shiva— The Shavuot.Copy !req
540. The rending of the clothes.
This is—Copy !req
541. Oh, you're really going
Jew-ey here, aren't you?Copy !req
542. Oh, that reminds me.
Uh, I wrote a few things down.Copy !req
543. Is bashert a word
that I could use?Copy !req
544. What's the context?Copy !req
545. "I'm feeling bashert at the loss
of our friend, Albert."Copy !req
546. No. Bashert, it means "fate."Copy !req
547. I think you wanna say,
"I'm feeling a lot of tsuris."Copy !req
548. Tsuris? How do you spell that?Copy !req
549. T-S-U-R-I-S.Copy !req
550. - Tsuris?
- Yeah.Copy !req
551. - Oh, God.
- The character was based on me.Copy !req
552. You would...Copy !req
553. They tested it and the audiences
didn't really respondCopy !req
554. - to the main character.
- Really?Copy !req
555. They fill out cards
with the feedback.Copy !req
556. The word that kept reappearing
was "repugnant."Copy !req
557. There wasn't much
they could do to fix it.Copy !req
558. I mean, I thought it was—Copy !req
559. It's interesting,
'cause they were very specific.Copy !req
560. Was it a hatchet job on me?
What was it?Copy !req
561. I think it was pretty
true to life.Copy !req
562. - Hey, you know what?
- Yeah.Copy !req
563. - See, I pick it up.
- Yeah.Copy !req
564. Speaking of, um,
when am I going up? Uh—Copy !req
565. - Yeah. You're after me.
- All right.Copy !req
566. Look, there's Larry!
Oh, he looks nice.Copy !req
567. He wore a tie.Copy !req
568. It's a good crowd.
Everybody came.Copy !req
569. Oh, my God.Copy !req
570. Larry.
Oh, hey.Copy !req
571. Hey.
I got you a glass of water.Copy !req
572. Oh, water?Copy !req
573. Yeah. Just to make sure
you're not impairedCopy !req
574. - when you're up on the podium.
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
575. Okay. Something's
going on here with you.Copy !req
576. Since I walked
into the glass door,Copy !req
577. you're treating me
like I'm a— like an invalid.Copy !req
578. Things changed
when that happened.Copy !req
579. - Oh, did they?
- Yeah.Copy !req
580. I don't see you
in a sexual way anymore, so...Copy !req
581. Hey, I'm as virile
as I was three days ago.Copy !req
582. And I was plenty virile then.
And I'm plenty virile now.Copy !req
583. And I can prove it to you.
Let's go upstairs.Copy !req
584. Come on. I'll prove it to you.
You wanna test it?Copy !req
585. - You wanna test it?
- No. I don't wanna test it.Copy !req
586. Test me. Test me.
Come on. I dare you.Copy !req
587. Take care.
Test me!Copy !req
588. Watch out for glass.Copy !req
589. I think we should go.Copy !req
590. Larry, let's go.
Thanks for the tie.Copy !req
591. Okay. Hey, everybody.
Let's get started.Copy !req
592. It saddens me personally
to be here today.Copy !req
593. Mainly because my dear friend,
Albert Brooks,Copy !req
594. is very much alive.Copy !req
595. Oh, don't do that.Copy !req
596. It would've given Albert
tremendous satisfactionCopy !req
597. to see all these people
gathered hereCopy !req
598. to pay their last respects
to a manCopy !req
599. they will see again
in less than an hour.Copy !req
600. Come on, man.Copy !req
601. I'm very sorry
that Albert is faux dead.Copy !req
602. Get the next person, please.Copy !req
603. 'Cause I was going to leave
him some faux money.Copy !req
604. And know this, nobody loved
Christ more than Albert.Copy !req
605. Big Jesus guy. Big.Copy !req
606. Is that true? Have you accepted
Christ into your heart?Copy !req
607. Are you crazy?Copy !req
608. Albert is the one
who inspired meCopy !req
609. to become a stand-up comedian.Copy !req
610. And that, more than anything,Copy !req
611. makes me wish
he was really dead.Copy !req
612. I hate him.Copy !req
613. And now I'd like to bring up
another friend of Albert'sCopy !req
614. who was also coerced
into doing this, Mr. John Hamm.Copy !req
615. - Ah. Okay.
- I'm so excited.Copy !req
616. I can't believe
you know Jon Hamm.Copy !req
617. I...Copy !req
618. So much tsuris.Copy !req
619. They say laughter
is the best medicine.Copy !req
620. And if that is the case, then...Copy !req
621. Albert overmedicated us all.Copy !req
622. - That's sweet.
- He's funny.Copy !req
623. - I know.
- I'm sure many of youCopy !req
624. will stand up here
and praise the geniusCopy !req
625. of this inward-gazing
comedy savant.Copy !req
626. And you'd be right to.Copy !req
627. And now he's been taken
from us far too soon.Copy !req
628. Albert was one of the
great American filmmakersCopy !req
629. of his or of any generation.
And...Copy !req
630. - Where are you going?
- Bathroom.Copy !req
631. I'm after you.
Okay.Copy !req
632. Don't let anybody else go in.Copy !req
633. about jealousy.Copy !req
634. I was just a fan.Copy !req
635. how much Lost in America
resonated with me.Copy !req
636. Oh, my God.Copy !req
637. He's a COVID hoarder.Copy !req
638. He's a fucking COVID hoarder.Copy !req
639. - Albert's a COVID hoarder.
- Are you kidding me?Copy !req
640. Look at this, Jon Hamm!
What the fuck?Copy !req
641. What are you doing
in the closet?Copy !req
642. What's going on here?Copy !req
643. Look at all
that toilet paper.Copy !req
644. And Purell!Copy !req
645. Why are people in that closet?Copy !req
646. Wait a minute.
Are you really a COVID hoarder?Copy !req
647. Hey, hey!Copy !req
648. This is unacceptable.Copy !req
649. What's going on in here?Copy !req
650. The fuck is wrong with you?Copy !req
651. You're sitting over there
with a closetCopy !req
652. full of fucking toilet paper?Copy !req
653. Jesus Christ!Copy !req
654. - Have you no shame?
- Shanda! A shanda!Copy !req
655. I just moved in here.
This used to be a CVS.Copy !req
656. You know what?
I hope you really die.Copy !req
657. Jon, this was beautiful!
Come back!Copy !req
658. Come on, Jeff.
We're out of here.Copy !req
659. This is a mistake!Copy !req
660. You disgust me.Copy !req
661. Shame on you, Albert Brooks.Copy !req
662. Come back. I've got flu shots.Copy !req
663. Maybe we'll try
again next year.Copy !req
664. Yeah.Copy !req
665. - Fucking Albert!
- I know, right?Copy !req
666. - Let's get out of here.
- Yeah.Copy !req
667. Oh, hey, babe,
I left my coat outside.Copy !req
668. Oh, okay. Okay. Okay.Copy !req
669. The fuck?Copy !req
670. Oh, shit.Copy !req
671. Once you do that shit,
you can't go back.Copy !req
672. You can't unsee that shit.Copy !req
673. I'm sure Lucy Liu
felt the same way.Copy !req
674. Even in the fucking
animal world,Copy !req
675. when pigeons fly
into a motherfucking glass,Copy !req
676. motherfucking office buildings
and shit,Copy !req
677. they ostracized
from the other pigeons and shit.Copy !req
678. You see a whole school
of these motherfuckers,Copy !req
679. whether pigeons or geese
or whatever.Copy !req
680. They fucking flying, and there's
one motherfucker back there.Copy !req
681. You know why? Because that goofy
motherfucker ranCopy !req
682. into a goddamn building
last week,Copy !req
683. and they don't fuck
with him no more.Copy !req
684. Huh.Copy !req
685. Well, what are you gonna do?
You paid for the plane ticket.Copy !req
686. It's got Mary Ferguson's
name on it.Copy !req
687. It's nonrefundable.
What are you gonna do, eat it?Copy !req
688. No. I'm gonna find me
another Mary Ferguson.Copy !req
689. What are you talking about?Copy !req
690. I'm gonna audition
a bunch of Mary Fergusons.Copy !req
691. Find the one I like
and take her ass to Asia.Copy !req
692. What random Mary Ferguson
is gonna go to AsiaCopy !req
693. with some stranger
who's probably a sociopath?Copy !req
694. You're forgetting
one key thing here.Copy !req
695. Free. Who wouldn't wanna
go to Asia for free?Copy !req
696. They'll take that chance
waking up deadCopy !req
697. for a free trip to Asia.
I promise you.Copy !req
698. I think you might
have something.Copy !req
699. Okay. I'm gonna take me
a little dip in the pool.Copy !req
700. There was a dead body in there
just a couple of days ago,Copy !req
701. - just so you know.
- It ain't in there now.Copy !req
702. Oh, yeah, Susie.Copy !req
703. I know.
How did you do that?Copy !req
704. - Oh, Larry. You know Larry.
- Yeah. I'm not a fan.Copy !req
705. Yeah. Well, he plopped
and then it went flyingCopy !req
706. in the air and then it came out
and I couldn't find the stone.Copy !req
707. But then I remembered, you gave
me a lifetime guarantee.Copy !req
708. - So here I am.
- A what? A lifetime—Copy !req
709. A lifetime guarantee, Dennis,
you don't remember?Copy !req
710. I mean, Susie,
I don't have to remember.Copy !req
711. We don't— We've never given
lifetime guarantees.Copy !req
712. Well, you gave me one.Copy !req
713. No, Susie, I never said that.Copy !req
714. Why would I say that?Copy !req
715. Maybe 'cause I buy
so much fucking jewelry here.Copy !req
716. We appreciate that.Copy !req
717. Let me tell you something,
dementia boy, you gave meCopy !req
718. a lifetime guarantee,
and I don't careCopy !req
719. if you don't remember
your dog's fucking name,Copy !req
720. you're got to fix this
and it's not gonna cost meCopy !req
721. a goddamn thing.
You hear me, Zweibel?Copy !req
722. - You got it?
- Got it.Copy !req
723. I'll be back Friday.Copy !req
724. Mary Ferguson.Copy !req
725. Oh. Oh. My bad.Copy !req
726. - How about you?
- Oh, me?Copy !req
727. Go on inside.Copy !req
728. - Hi, guys.
- Hey. Hello.Copy !req
729. This is Brady Reiter,
Larry David.Copy !req
730. I've always loved traveling.
And I've been dyingCopy !req
731. to go to Asia for years.Copy !req
732. Would you have a problem
faking a disabilityCopy !req
733. just so we can get
in those wheelchairsCopy !req
734. and they can push our ass
through the airport?Copy !req
735. I don't think I would like that.Copy !req
736. I want you to eat
this matzah ball. Come on.Copy !req
737. - Come on. Munch it.
- Don't put the matzah ball here!Copy !req
738. That was great.
Wow.Copy !req
739. That was great.
Thank you guys!Copy !req
740. You guys have a great day.
Good job.Copy !req
741. Bye.
Bye.Copy !req
742. She's fucking hilarious.Copy !req
743. Wow.Copy !req
744. Okay.Copy !req
745. Next.Copy !req
746. - Thank you. Thank you.
- Thank you.Copy !req
747. Thank you.Copy !req
748. Mary Ferguson 5.
Thank you.Copy !req
749. Okay. Next.Copy !req
750. - No.
- Uh...Copy !req
751. No.
Fantastic. Thanks a lot.Copy !req
752. She's amazing.
- Yeah, she was fantastic.Copy !req
753. I don't think so.Copy !req
754. - Nah.
- Eh.Copy !req
755. Hmm. Next.Copy !req
756. I want you to eat
this matzah. Come on.Copy !req
757. Ow. It's hot! Larry,
your hands are all over it!Copy !req
758. That was great.Copy !req
759. Thank you.
Thanks, Julia.Copy !req
760. No.
Okay.Copy !req
761. - You ever dated a Laker?
- No.Copy !req
762. - How about Clipper?
- I've never dated a Clipper.Copy !req
763. Fuckin' dig it.Copy !req
764. Suppose we crashed
on a deserted islandCopy !req
765. and I make it
and you don't make it.Copy !req
766. - Is it cool—
- You can eat me.Copy !req
767. Oh. Shi...
I think we should do this.Copy !req
768. Wait. So am I going?Copy !req
769. - Let's do this.
- Let's do it!Copy !req
770. What's up?Copy !req
771. - Ah!
- Ah!Copy !req
772. Oh, shit! Oh, oh!Copy !req
773. Hi. This is Maria Sofia
Estrada.Copy !req
774. - Larry David.
- Hi.Copy !req
775. What's up?Copy !req
776. Hello.Copy !req
777. Did you...Copy !req
778. Oh.
Oh, headshot.Copy !req
779. Yeah. Of course. Of course.
Of course. No problem.Copy !req
780. Do you have a resume?Copy !req
781. Uh...
No resume.Copy !req
782. And— Yeah, and your
mark's back there, so...Copy !req
783. Oh. There.Copy !req
784. Right there. Yeah. Great.Copy !req
785. Okay.Copy !req
786. Larry, my mother wants to know
if you wanna comeCopy !req
787. to our cedar Friday night.Copy !req
788. Uh, it's Seder.
Uh, nah, I don't think so.Copy !req
789. And I want you to meet
my boo-bay.Copy !req
790. Your what?Copy !req
791. Yeah. I can't be
around old people.Copy !req
792. They creep me out.Copy !req
793. But only on one condition, okay?
You have to finish your lunch.Copy !req
794. - I'm full.
- Look, you didn't need to think.Copy !req
795. Marsha, seriously,
you're too thin.Copy !req
796. You're like a rail. Come on.Copy !req
797. This is a good weight for me.Copy !req
798. Okay. But at least
finish the matzah ball, right?Copy !req
799. No.
Marsha, I swear to God.Copy !req
800. I want you to eat the matzah ball
Ew! Gross!Copy !req
801. Come on! Come on!
- Ew! No, stop!Copy !req
802. Stop.
Okay.Copy !req
803. Thank you.Copy !req
804. - Thanks, Maria.
- Thank you.Copy !req
805. Nice to meet you.
- Oh, that's it?Copy !req
806. - Yeah.
- Yeah. That's it.Copy !req
807. Thank you.
Thank you.Copy !req
808. Ooh, God.Copy !req
809. We got her.Copy !req
810. Her?
That's our gal!Copy !req
811. - Larry.
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
812. All right. Let's go home.Copy !req
813. We still have three more girls.
Yeah. I don't think so.Copy !req
814. Some double date.Copy !req
815. Quite a romantic evening
this turned out, huh?Copy !req
816. - Hey. Got any Purell?
- Yeah.Copy !req
817. Oh.
- I ran out of the smaller ones.Copy !req
818. That's a big boy.Copy !req
819. Here. Keep it.
I got another one, you know.Copy !req
820. Thanks.Copy !req