Cunk on Earth 1x2

1. In the first brilliant instalment

2. of this soon-to-be award-winning series,

3. I showed you - for the first time

4. and better than anyone else -

5. how humankind dragged itself out of caveman times,

6. invented farming, thinking and sand triangles,

7. and eventually founded the brand-new city of Ancient Rome.

8. But that wasn't the end of the story, obviously,

9. because it was only Episode One.

10. There was no denying man had come an incredible distance,

11. but could he come even further,

12. or was he spent and in need of a lie-down?

13. To reach the next level,

14. humanoid kind would need to believe in something

15. bigger than man himself.

16. Bigger even than elephant itself.

17. In this episode, I'll see how humankind found religion,

18. and we'll settle an argument that has raged for centuries.

19. Which is better, the Bible or the Korun?

20. The Koran.

21. So, that one?

22. It all happened right here,

23. on the only planet still worth fighting for.

24. This is Cunk on Earth.

25. The time is half past Rome o'clock BC.

26. The Romanite Empire is at its most biggest.

27. But despite the fancy columns and mosaics,

28. there was an emptiness at the heart of Roman culture.

29. Holding endless wine-fuelled orgies

30. in cramped vomitoriums is all very well

31. but, eventually, you need something more.

32. And also, a mop.

33. Humans craved enlighten-ingment.

34. To find it, they'd need a spiritual role model, an icon,

35. an almost Christ-like figure.

36. And as luck would have it,

37. someone fitting that bill was about to arrive.

38. None other than Mr Jesus Christ.

39. He was born in a humble stable

40. which, ironically, isn't a stable environment for a baby,

41. unless it's a baby donkey which, if records are to be believed,

42. Jesus wasn't. In fact, as this

43. actual painting makes clear,

44. when Christ was born, he had a magic flaming circle on his head,

45. which would have set fire to all the hay and pubes as he came out.

46. Don't worry, I'm doing Islam later.

47. Jesus was born Jewish, but soon converted to carpentry,

48. as he followed his dad into the primitive chair and table industry.

49. What's ironic about Jesus Christ becoming a carpenter

50. was he was actually named after the two words you're most likely

51. to shout after hitting your thumb with a hammer.

52. Scholars believe he was a real historical figure,

53. like Justin Timberlake or Garfield.

54. Whether or not they think he was

55. the actual son of God who performed miracles,

56. like walking on wine or helping a deaf man see...

57. .. they all agree he preached tolerance and forgiveness -

58. a message so important, his most ardent followers would eventually

59. start killing anyone who didn't want to hear it.

60. Little wonder this radicalised woodsmith

61. scared the Roman authorities.

62. They considered Jesus so dangerous,

63. they had him crucified.

64. And not just a little, but all the way,

65. to death.

66. Just imagine Christ's conflicted emotions.

67. He'd been sent to Earth to save mankind and, yet, here he was,

68. enduring the physical agony of being nailed to a cross,

69. while also knowing what a great logo it would make

70. for his long-term campaign.

71. Jesus was killed because people didn't like what he was saying,

72. so could you call him the first celebrity victim of cancel culture?

73. I think cancel culture would sort of require

74. the idea that people...

75. .. really saw Jesus as standing for something,

76. and they were sure they knew what it was. Oh, no, sorry.

77. Yeah? That wasn't a question. I'm literally asking if

78. you could call him the first celebrity victim of cancel culture

79. for our show. Down that lens, there.

80. Just, you know, it's for a credit sequence

81. with punchy sound bites in it.

82. Off you go.

83. Down that lens.

84. OK, down this lens? Yeah.

85. You might even say Jesus was

86. the first celebrity victim of cancel culture.

87. Brilliant, thank you.

88. But incredibly, just when it seemed the life of Christ was over,

89. he respawned, danced up a hill and leapt all the way up into heaven,

90. breaking all world records for a standing jump in the process.

91. During his lifetime,

92. Jesus only had 12 followers,

93. fewer even than my Uncle Steve's

94. uninspiring Instagram account.

95. But that all changed once his teachings began to spread,

96. in the form of the written word.

97. After he died, Jesus came back to Earth

98. in the form of a book, didn't he?

99. Why do Christians call that special book The Bib-le?

100. The Bible.

101. Is that how it's pronounced?

102. I've literally never heard anyone say it before. How do you say it?

103. Bible. So, why is it spelt Bib-le?

104. Cos I've seen it written down - B-I-B-L-E. BIBle. Yeah, Bible.

105. Christ's message was spread

106. far and wide by the apostles,

107. almost 2,000 years before

108. the release of Belgian techno anthem Pump Up the Jam.

109. Pump Up the Jam by Technotronic

110. But not everyone appreciated the swinging sound of Christianity.

111. Especially in Rome, where Christians were persecuted,

112. which is Latin for shat on.

113. And if you were a Christian back then,

114. perhaps the worst place to find yourself was the Colosseum,

115. an area of misery on a par with Birmingham.

116. It was here the Romans first threw Christians to the lions,

117. possibly to see if their pacifist message would rub off on the beasts

118. and make them less angry and bitey.

119. If a Christian won, right, and ate a lion,

120. would they then go forward to the next round?

121. You know, and would they have to eat

122. something else, like a whole horse or something?

123. Do you know, there's not a lot of evidence

124. that they threw very many Christians to the lions.

125. Just for this, can you pretend that

126. loads of Christians were thrown to the lions? Really?

127. But that's wrong. Do you think the Christians would forgive the lions

128. for eating them, while it was happening? They probably didn't

129. blame the lions. I mean, a lion was only doing

130. what lions naturally do and... Do we know how the lions felt

131. about only ever being given one thing to eat?

132. It can't have been fun, can it, you know?

133. Imagine if every day, your lunch was just screaming and wouldn't stop.

134. That's going to have an impact on your mental health.

135. The mental health of lions? Yeah. Mm.

136. Incredibly, within a few hundred years,

137. the Romans had become Christians themselves.

138. But why?

139. Tragically, none of the people involved

140. in Ancient Rome are still alive today.

141. So, to find out why that happened,

142. we have to sift through ancient texts,

143. like you do at the end of a relationship.

144. Thanks to the modern science of reading, we now know

145. the Roman Emperor Constantine - whose name means constant,

146. or unchanging - one day unexpectedly

147. changed to Christianity.

148. Soon, all the Romans had converted to Christianity.

149. And shortly after that,

150. they stopped throwing Christians to the lions altogether.

151. No-one knows why.

152. The Romans had found God almost overnight.

153. What is it about religion that can win us over so unexpectedly?

154. Why do humans need to believe in something bigger than ourselves?

155. Is it so we don't feel quite so fat?

156. Well, I think the sense of purpose

157. and value constitutes a very important element of a happy life.

158. But it must help, if you think how big the world is,

159. suddenly, you feel a lot slimmer.

160. Quite possibly.

161. Some people have a sudden religious conversion, don't they?

162. My mate Paul was driving to Winchester

163. when a lorry jack-knifed in front of him,

164. and he was hurtling towards it and everything went slow-mo.

165. And Paul, who's never been religious, spoke to Jesus and said,

166. "I promise if I survive this, I'll believe in you."

167. And he did survive, but he fractured his skull and broke both his legs.

168. Why did Jesus do that to him?

169. Well, you've raised a very significant question

170. about the nature of providence.

171. Have I? You have, indeed.

172. If we believe in a good God,

173. why is there so much evil in the world?

174. Now, your friend... Paul.

175. .. Paul, his accident,

176. you know, to what extent can one blame God for that?

177. See, Paul never forgave him.

178. He said, "If I ever see Christ again, he's a dead man."

179. Right.

180. Rome had become a beacon

181. of Christian faith, but disaster

182. was just around the corner

183. because the Romans had converted to a religion of peace,

184. just in time to have their arse handed to them

185. by some people who mainly believed in hammers and smashing.

186. They were the Vandals,

187. an ancient group notorious for their appetite for destruction,

188. like Guns N' Roses.

189. Right now, I'm standing on - and also in - modern Rome

190. which, by an incredible coincidence,

191. is on the same site as the ancient one.

192. And it's here the Vandals' terrifying assault

193. on the city took place.

194. The Vandal hordes would have swept through there,

195. past the coffee shop with the rude staff,

196. all the way down here, killing, looting and burning as they went.

197. We also know that traffic intersection

198. wouldn't have been there at that time,

199. so they could have safely ignored

200. any associated road signals during their invasion.

201. Also, that pizza place wouldn't have been open

202. because they think the rampage happened on a Sunday.

203. And according to TripAdvisor, it closes over the weekend

204. and isn't suitable for large groups, anyway.

205. But everything else you see around here

206. would have been completely destroyed.

207. By the time the Vandals rolled out of this part of the city

208. and into the next one, they'd left nothing but destruction

209. and horseshit in their wake.

210. Rome had been sacked, destroyed,

211. properly fucked to bits.

212. And once Rome fell, the entire Roman Empire went kaput.

213. The grim period that followed became known as the Dark-ages.

214. Ow, shit!

215. Dark-ages sort of sounds like a symptom, doesn't it?

216. You know, maybe like a plague thing.

217. Do you mean the Dark Ages?

218. Oh, right. Is that what it is?

219. If you... if you mean an old-fashioned term

220. for the early Middle Ages. Right.

221. Except we don't really use that term any more. Oh, do we not?

222. Well, it has very negative connotations of being a dark

223. and ignorant and benighted time and, um... Which it was.

224. Not really.

225. It had fantastic thinkers and historians

226. and artists and authors. But it was a bit...

227. .. shit.

228. The Dark Ages was a depressing era,

229. during which the whole of Europe fumbled about in the dark,

230. banging its shins on stuff and getting all diseases up its bum.

231. It must have properly done people's heads in.

232. Whenever you see medieval times, there's this sort of annoying,

233. Heigh-nonny-no music playing constantly.

234. Yeah, pretty much. You know that... that music?

235. You know, that sort of...

236. Yeah.

237. Yep. Yeah, there's a lot of that.

238. Where's that sound coming from?

239. Couldn't they switch it off?

240. The Dark Ages were a tragedy for human progress

241. that put back the roll-out of 5G

242. by hundreds of years.

243. So, we've had the Dark Ages. Has there been a Light Ages?

244. Well, the claim was made by people in the early modern period,

245. the so-called Renaissance, that theirs was the age of light.

246. And then, of course, we have a whole era later

247. that people called the Enlightenment.

248. Is that in this episode, or will that come up later?

249. Well, I'm guessing it will come up later.

250. Which episode are we in now? Erm... I...

251. Probably something about the Middle Ages.

252. Yeah, but is it, like, Episode Three or Episode Four?

253. I'm afraid I'm not sure. We're both just lost here, aren't we?

254. This is fucking awful.

255. But luckily, Europe wasn't the only country having a history back then.

256. Boffins now believe other countries such as South America and Asia

257. were having their own histories too,

258. and they were keeping civilisation going in their own funny, exotic,

259. foreign little ways.

260. This is the city of Chichen Itza,

261. built by the Mayan people in what is now Mexico.

262. And this is its centrepiece,

263. the Temple of Kukulkan.

264. If you were brought here 1,000 years ago,

265. chances are you were about to be sacrificed

266. to appease Chaac, the Mayan god of rain. Today, you're perhaps

267. more likely to be dropping by as part of a pleasant day trip out

268. from the nearby holiday resort of Tulum.

269. That's where I'm staying,

270. at the five-star Casa de Lujo Hotel and Spa.

271. This all-inclusive resort,

272. nestling on the picture-perfect Tulum coastline, really is

273. the last word in luxury.

274. All the rooms are en-suite, and with this stunning ocean view,

275. it's hard to think of a reason to get out of bed.

276. Apart, of course, from the beautiful

277. beach and constant sunshine

278. right here on your doorstep.

279. If the sunny skies get too much,

280. there are three pools to cool off in,

281. including one for adults only.

282. There's plenty for the little ones too,

283. with the Turtle Club giving them

284. the holiday of their allegedly important little lives so far.

285. And with five on-site restaurants to choose from,

286. you'll never get bored of the food.

287. If all that wasn't enough, the stunning Inspiration Spa

288. offers world-class wellness options,

289. from toenail filing to vigorous rubbing.

290. And when the sun goes down, the nightlife begins.

291. With local spirits, wines and beers all included,

292. there's no reason to hold back.

293. With sunshine all day

294. and partying all night,

295. you won't want to go home.

296. Philomena stayed five nights at the Casa de Lujo Hotel and Spa.

297. All-inclusive prices start at £200 per person per night,

298. based on two sharing, VAT not included.

299. Terms and conditions apply.

300. While the Mayans worshipped their gods,

301. thousands of miles away in Arabia,

302. a prophet named Muhammad was founding another religion, Islam.

303. Apparently, Islam can be a sensitive topic,

304. and the producers say if I don't follow this script to the letter,

305. there's a chance I'll cause a serious international incident.

306. That's quite a blow, to be honest.

307. It's all right, I'll busk it.

308. So, what can we say about Islam? Well, for one thing...

309. I, for one, don't think any of that is controversial at all.

310. Islam represented a radical break

311. from previous religions

312. because the buildings it happened inside

313. were a slightly different shape.

314. It expanded across the globe

315. almost as quickly as Fox News

316. thinks it still does today.

317. It was an apparently irresistible spread, like Nutella.

318. The Koran said, accumulating

319. knowledge is a worthy act. So, Islamic mega-nerds created

320. the first universities and libraries,

321. containing all the world's knowledge

322. which, at that point, could probably

323. fit into one pamphlet, to be fair.

324. Mm.

325. Because they needed more knowledge to fill their libraries,

326. Muslim boffins got into maths, calculus, geometry

327. and, of course, the most Islamic sounding one - al-gebra.

328. Not to be outdone, Christianity was also expanding,

329. thanks to missionaries.

330. The missionaries were known for their position,

331. which was that the big man, God, was on top

332. and the rest of us had to lie back and take it.

333. Sent by the Pope, missionaries

334. took the Bible and the cross

335. and set out from here,

336. painstakingly making their way

337. right across the map,

338. and eventually ending up

339. all the way over here, in Ireland,

340. where they spread the word by reading aloud from the...

341. Hold on, I forgot the book.

342. Travel in those days was exceptionally perilous

343. and gruelling, so the early missionaries wouldn't have wanted

344. to undertake their journey twice, any more than I do.

345. But once they arrived at their destination,

346. what they brought would change the world forever. The Bible and the...

347. Who moved the cross?

348. Christianity was the fidget spinner of medieval times,

349. a huge craze that would last forever.

350. It led to a boom in religious iconography.

351. Images of Jesus were everywhere you looked.

352. In medieval times, there were lots of paintings of Jesus.

353. How did he find the time to pose for the artists?

354. What was his availability like?

355. Well, he was everywhere, always... Mm.

356. .. figuratively speaking.

357. So, they're painting him from memory,

358. like someone describing an intruder to a police sketch artist,

359. but an intruder who's the son of God?

360. In all paintings of Jesus, he comes in two modes, doesn't he?

361. He's either a baby or he's being crucified.

362. Are there any paintings where he is being crucified as a baby?

363. No. No. Right, they missed an opportunity there, didn't they,

364. to play the sympathy card?

365. Did Jesus ever paint himself?

366. Uh... It...

367. I don't believe so. Certainly, there's no record of that happening.

368. Well, can we be sure? You know, he might not have signed it.

369. He was quite modest, wasn't he? Well, he was modest in parts.

370. He did also say he was the son of God.

371. Yeah, he could have kept that quiet. Then he wouldn't have been killed.

372. Yeah! What an idiot.

373. Of course, Jesus wasn't the only deity to inspire art.

374. There are lots of paintings of Muhammad, too,

375. but our producer had to sign a form promising not to show them.

376. By the 11th century,

377. most European countries had converted to Christianity,

378. but it didn't stop them constantly going to war with each other.

379. Then, in 1095, Pope Urban Two persuaded them to stop fighting,

380. come together in harmony and attack the Muslims instead.

381. The European Kings agreed

382. and launched a sort of armed charity drive

383. to forcibly provide the Islamic world with crucifixes.

384. They called it Crus-Aid.

385. Soon, armies from Europe headed east,

386. hoping to dish out a righteous

387. international kicking.

388. So, during the Crusades,

389. the Crusaders went all the way to Jerusalem in armour.

390. That sounds really uncomfortable.

391. Was it sponsored?

392. It was sponsored by the church, you could say... Yeah.

393. .. because these expeditions had to be funded. Yeah.

394. My mate Paul did a 30-mile sponsored walk to Harrogate,

395. dressed as Spider-Man for Help For Heroes.

396. And on the day, he had terrible diarrhoea, but he soldiered on.

397. And it was one of the most noble,

398. but disgusting things I've ever seen.

399. Eventually, the organisers had to intervene, but he raised £368.

400. You know, the Crusaders never did that, did they?

401. No.

402. In 1099, the Christians captured

403. Jerusalem. But then, they made

404. a tactical mistake -

405. they went home without it.

406. So, the Muslims, under their leader,

407. Saladin, crusaded right back,

408. retaking Jerusalem in the process.

409. By now, everyone was really into the Crusades,

410. so they started holding them regularly,

411. fighting back and forth to see which side would win Jerusalem this year.

412. The Crusades sound very violent.

413. Why can't the religions all learn to live together in peace,

414. like they do in Ireland?

415. I think if you find someone who knows the answer to that question,

416. then you should definitely publicise it as soon as possible.

417. Right, yeah, OK.

418. But while Christians and Muslims came to blows,

419. one man miles away decided he'd show them what

420. proper warmongering looked like.

421. That man was the leader of the Mongols, Genghis Khan.

422. In Mongol, Khan means king, and Genghis means... something else.

423. These days, Genghis Khan comes up in conversation

424. less often than Dennis Quaid,

425. but back then, he was the most feared man on Earth.

426. Genghis and his Mongols went mongoling free

427. across much of Europe and Asia.

428. Millions of thousands of people were mercilessly slaughtered.

429. Many of them got their heads chopped off.

430. Others had their legs hacked off first, then an arm or something,

431. and then maybe their face, which was probably still screaming

432. as it flew across the hut, or wherever they lived.

433. Then the invaders might have taken the carcasses and hacked them up

434. and boiled them into soup and carved all the discarded pelvis bones

435. into big ladles to drink it with,

436. and then sat around the fireplace slurping their gory soup

437. and laughing and blowing off.

438. Honestly, it was seriously out of order.

439. How much blood, in terms of pints...

440. .. was spilt because of Genghis Khan?

441. Well, you'd have to somehow know

442. the number of people killed.

443. Right. There were stories of a few hundred Mongol soldiers

444. dispatching perhaps up to a million people.

445. How many pints are in a person?

446. I think eight. So, minimum, eight million pints? Yes.

447. And, of course, they didn't have blood banks back then, did they?

448. What a waste!

449. With all that going on on their doorstep,

450. is it any wonder people in Europe took to building fortified homes?

451. The answer is no.

452. Standing here now in... whatever castle this is,

453. I can't help but wonder what life must've been like in medieval times,

454. because medieval times aren't happening any more,

455. so wondering is my only option.

456. But just imagine it.

457. Here, in the central atrium, the tables laid out for a feast.

458. People are bashing tankards together and laughing.

459. The table is bedecked with haunches of venison, blackbird pie,

460. roast goose inside a pig.

461. The full works.

462. A little bowl of plums there. I think that's a side dish.

463. Over here, peasants are toing and froing in their finery.

464. Oh, a knight... clanking by in his armour.

465. In this corner, someone's playing medieval flute music.

466. And in front of that, a jester,

467. jumping up and down in his little bells.

468. There's a big sort of ogre thing watching...

469. .. enjoying the sight of that.

470. Then, up at this end, the King's sitting on his throne

471. next to the Queen, a bishop and a rook.

472. They're watching Merlin getting his head chopped off,

473. which rolls all the way across

474. the floor... to there,

475. where some wild boar gobble it up.

476. Ugh! Ugh, that is disgusting!

477. You're lucky you can't see that.

478. Suddenly, the gaiety's interrupted

479. when the glass in a window shatters and an arrow flies into the room.

480. It thuds into this wall, right in the middle of the Bayeux Tapestry.

481. Gasps ring out and give way to whispers,

482. as Thomas A Becket - that's me - pulls the arrow from the wall.

483. Hold on.

484. Oh, Christ.

485. The arrow has a message on it.

486. Thomas carefully takes the message off, discards the arrow...

487. Oh, fuck! Sorry.

488. .. unfurls the message and reads it aloud.

489. It's from Robin Hood...

490. .. threatening revenge on the entire Round Table

491. for what he did to Gandalf.

492. Another gasp, the jester faints,

493. worried murmurs fill the air and get louder and turn to screams.

494. It's chaos.

495. The flute goes mental.

496. A dancing bear howls in anguish.

497. Someone starts loading pigs into a catapult.

498. A Space Invader floats across the room,

499. shitting a harpsichord made of glass horses onto the floor.

500. Finally, up at this end,

501. the King stands up, bashing his gavel.

502. He shouts, "Order, order!"

503. But in a deep man's voice, with a medieval accent.

504. The castle falls silent.

505. You can hear a pin drop...

506. .. but not literally.

507. "Off with his head!" shouts the King.

508. And that breaks the ice.

509. Everything's OK again.

510. The jester's back up on his feet, the music's up and running.

511. Everyone's merrily knocking back the mead.

512. Life in the castle is back to normal.

513. Just in time for everyone to suddenly drop dead from plague.

514. Anyway, that's what life was like in my castle.

515. Have you ever really thought about yours?

516. But humans couldn't simply

517. cower behind thick walls while

518. holy wars waged outside forever.

519. Religion was supposed to unite humankind

520. in harmony and bland smiling,

521. but it had mainly succeeded in tearing it apart,

522. like a bear in a maternity ward.

523. But little did this church, and others like it,

524. know that a challenger was just around the corner.

525. Next time, we'll see how a new generation of artists

526. and brainiacs arose and challenged God to a fight

527. during what historians are already calling the Renaissance.

528. So, is this painting actually good,

529. or is it one of those things that we only think is good

530. because we're told it's good, like seafood?