Cunk on Earth 1x1

1. This is our planet.

2. Planet Earth.

3. It's a planet I'm literally on right now,

4. and unless you're watching this on a long-haul flight

5. or while falling off a building,

6. chances are you are, too.

7. This is the incredible story of how humankind transformed our world

8. from being a load of pointless nature like this

9. to full of modern things like this...

10. .. and how it did it using nothing more than its hands...

11. .. and its imagination,

12. and also tools and electricity

13. and the internet.

14. It's a journey that'll take me to every corner of the globe

15. money and pandemic travel restrictions would allow,

16. getting up close to some of our species most stunning achievements.

17. And I'll be asking questions...

18. Who are you?

19. ..to leading academics, clevernauts and expertists

20. who will help me unlock the mystery of human civilisation.

21. Why do they say it's a mystery how the pyramids were built

22. when it's obviously just big bricks in a triangle?

23. This is not just the story of the planet we live in.

24. This is the story of the world we live on. Or both.

25. So, join me, Philomena Cunk,

26. for a landmark look at the world we built together.

27. This is Cunk on Earth!

28. This programme contains some strong language

29. For billions of years, there was no civilisation on Earth.

30. Just animals, plants and gases, getting on and mingling.

31. Must have been beautiful, but also boring.

32. Until along came a creature that would change all that -

33. human man.

34. Was Early Man similar to us?

35. I mean, was he made out of the same sort of meat that we are?

36. You know, did it have a brand name like beef or pork?

37. As far as we can tell, they were made out of the same stuff as us.

38. All we have is bones, of course,

39. and they're exactly the same as our bones.

40. We can only assume that the bones were encased in flesh,

41. something like ours, but I'm not aware of any kind of brand name

42. that they would have had. So it would have just been flesh?

43. Just flesh, I think, yes.

44. It would be hard to come up with a brand name for human flesh,

45. wouldn't it?

46. "HuF"?

47. We often assume early men were stupid because they had big eyebrows

48. and said, "Ug," but in fact they were pioneering inventorers.

49. They were the first men to use tools, which is something most men

50. have forgotten how to do today, which is why they have to get

51. someone in - a real man.

52. How did Early Man make tools whilst walking on all fours?

53. Well, we don't think that they walked on all fours for too long.

54. We're pretty sure they were walking upright for at least

55. the last two million years.

56. So, did they make the tools with their front legs

57. or their hind legs?

58. Well, I don't think humans have ever been very good at making things

59. with their feet, so, yes, it would have been the front legs

60. that they used for making tools. Right.

61. So, in leg terms, it would have been their top legs? Yes.

62. I think they would certainly have used the top legs for making tools,

63. or arms and hands as we call them today.

64. One thing they did invent was fire,

65. which allowed them to see at night and kept them warm,

66. tragically prolonging their already tedious lives.

67. But they had to invent something to do

68. during the long, boring evenings, and that something was art.

69. I'm entering a cave, not by mistake or because I'm a wolf...

70. .. but because I've been specifically asked to come here by the producers

71. to look at cave art.

72. Cave paintings like these

73. are one of the first examples of civilisation on Earth.

74. Don't worry, it gets better.

75. Early cave artists started out painting whatever was close to hand,

76. like their hands.

77. Then, they branched out into stories.

78. Initially, just boring stories

79. about cows standing still.

80. But soon they began creating

81. white-knuckle fight scenes like this.

82. Humans versus cows 2D.

83. To a caveman, this was the thrilling equivalent

84. of Fast and Furious Part 7.

85. Have any of the cave paintings been adapted into films?

86. Suppose they couldn't get the rights anyway, though, could they?

87. Film-making, obviously, arose much, much later than the end

88. of the cave paintings.

89. So, there hasn't been a cave wall that's been like,

90. "Oh, my God, that's an incredible story.

91. "We need to get Steven Spielberg to make this"?

92. It would be hard to come up with a story that would last

93. an hour and a half based on just one panel in a cave.

94. Some believe these violent images were painted as religious acts

95. intended to bring good luck in upcoming battles.

96. We don't know why humankind was at war with the cows

97. and, tragically, we never will.

98. In fact, we'll probably never even know the name of the artist

99. or these cows, because whoever painted this

100. is almost certainly dead now.

101. Hunting animals every day was a pain in the arse

102. until someone came up with the idea of also eating plants,

103. which were easier to catch because they couldn't run away.

104. This simple act of laziness led to the invention of farming,

105. a huge leap forwards,

106. which was now more dangerous because you might land

107. on one of the farming implements that were suddenly lying around.

108. The early farmers grew wheat and learned to bake bread.

109. They also grew barley, peas and lentils,

110. so they could have made a passable vegan burger

111. to put inside the bread

112. but, luckily, they didn't have to.

113. Because they'd also invented this - the fence.

114. A high-tech wooden machine for containing animals.

115. Humans quickly enslaved sheep, chickens, goats

116. and their number one enemies, the cows.

117. Farms became a lot like zoos.

118. Except, of course, in a zoo, you can't pick out an animal

119. you like the look off and kill it and eat it.

120. Unless, perhaps, the zoo itself is struggling financially

121. and the owner's lost all hope.

122. Humans turned animals they couldn't eat or ride into pets

123. if they were pretty enough.

124. Early Man domesticated dogs for companionship...

125. .. and cats for whatever we have cats for.

126. This was the first time in history life could be described as cosy.

127. People lived in proper houses,

128. which soon grew to become cities.

129. It's hard to believe I'm walking through the ruins

130. of the first-ever city, because I'm not.

131. That's in Iraq, which is miles away and fucking dangerous.

132. But the remains of it look pretty much like this,

133. so you'd never know I wasn't actually there

134. if I wasn't telling you now by accident.

135. Today, it's just a dismal load of bricks and dust,

136. but if you use a modern computer to simulate what it used to look like,

137. the results are nothing short of breathtaking.

138. Civilisation had begun.

139. Who invented civilisation?

140. Civilisation wasn't something

141. that was invented

142. or something that started abruptly.

143. We talk about civilisation once humans started agriculture,

144. once they started building cities

145. and creating laws.

146. That was something that happened gradually in different parts

147. of the world rather than just being invented suddenly. Yeah.

148. So, it wasn't just one man

149. who wanted to remain anonymous?

150. No. Cos that would be something we shouldn't go along with if it was.

151. Do you mean we shouldn't go along...?

152. If it was one man who wants to remain anonymous,

153. there's something a bit shifty about that, isn't there?

154. So, civilisation was invented in Mesopotamia

155. by person or persons unknown.

156. But whoever they were, they were way ahead of their time.

157. Did the Mesopotamians have any of the same things that we have today?

158. Yes. Like what?

159. Weapons, jewellery,

160. temples, animals.

161. Right. No, I meant, like, feet and eyebrows and that sort of thing.

162. Yes, yes. They did?

163. They had the whole set of organs,

164. holes, bits that work together,

165. and bits on the outside, bits on the inside.

166. So they had the same number of holes and everything?

167. As far as science is in a position to reassure you, yes.

168. One of their most significant killer apps

169. was something we still use to this day - the circle.

170. Wheels might look complicated to the likes of you,

171. but the way they work is actually simple.

172. The circle bit here revolves around a sort of sticky out bit

173. in the middle,

174. and then, as the wheel skin here pushes against the ground,

175. the pressure rolls the entire planet back and away from you,

176. giving you the impression that you're moving forward,

177. which, incredibly, you actually are.

178. The wheel allowed people to travel around trading things,

179. but first they needed to count how many things they owned,

180. and that led to the tragic invention of maths.

181. Let's talk maths and numbers.

182. Were numbers worth less back in ancient times

183. or did they have the same value as now only bigger?

184. Numbers had the same value as they do now

185. in ancient times, yeah. People still needed to count things.

186. And did they have the same number of numbers as we do,

187. you know, from one to 700,

188. with 700 being the biggest number?

189. 700 has never been the biggest number.

190. You can count to as many as you like.

191. No, no. I saw a thing on YouTube -

192. after 700, numbers repeat.

193. They just give them different names so you think they're still going up.

194. Do you want me to send it to you?

195. With numbers going as high, but no higher than 700,

196. people needed something to help them count.

197. That's where this came in.

198. It's called a bacus.

199. Using a bacus, our ancestors could count how many

200. possessions they owned.

201. It was a short step from this to the invention of money,

202. in the form of cash.

203. Ancient people invented currency to make life on Earth easier,

204. but in doing so, they inadvertently invented capitalism,

205. which is going to kill everyone.

206. Sorry, that's not a question. It's just something I read on Twitter.

207. Having conquered numbers, humankind moved on to something

208. even more boring by inventing writing.

209. Was the invention of writing a significant development

210. or more of a flash in the pan, like rap metal?

211. I think once writing was thought up,

212. once it appeared in the world, it was unstoppable.

213. So, it was much, much bigger than rap metal then?

214. Yes, much bigger. What about acid jazz?

215. Hmm...

216. I still would put writing ahead of it.

217. No, I just wondered what you thought of acid jazz.

218. What's this? It's a cast.

219. It's not the real thing.

220. It purports to stand in for a Mesopotamian clay tablet

221. written in cuneiform writing.

222. The first kind of writing that appeared in the world -

223. writing on clay tablets.

224. As books go, I have to say it's quite a boring cover, isn't it?

225. It doesn't even look like it opens properly.

226. Are you one of the people that judges a book by the cover?

227. Yeah, I am.

228. That's a sad and misguided view.

229. If someone shouted this aloud, would that have been the first audiobook?

230. No.

231. Writing changed the world.

232. Suddenly, ideas didn't have to disappear just because the person

233. whose head they were trapped in had died.

234. Instead, you could convert your ideas into writing,

235. and then anyone else could come along and upload those ideas

236. into their own brain by wirelessly importing them through their eyes.

237. Incredibly, despite being invented thousands of years ago,

238. writing still exists today

239. underneath video clips that we watch online.

240. And it's here you'll also find another kind of handmade language

241. that still endures - emoji.

242. Or as the ancient Egyptians, who invented them, called them -

243. hieroglyphics.

244. They told whole stories in hieroglyphic code.

245. It's like a more coherent Marvel comic.

246. Rather than being put up in public

247. where living people could enjoy them,

248. these Egyptian comic strips were painted on the walls of tombs

249. to entertain dead people,

250. and those tombs laid beneath some of the most recognisable,

251. not to mention pointiest, buildings in history.

252. I'm talking about the Pyramids.

253. Looking at the Pyramids today, it's impossible not to be struck

254. by the thought that they're basically big triangles

255. with a sort of square arse.

256. There's probably a word for that shape,

257. but literally no-one knows what it might be.

258. It's one of the many timeless mysteries of the Pyramids.

259. Why are pyramids that shape?

260. Is it to stop homeless people sleeping on them?

261. I don't think they had many homeless people in ancient Egypt.

262. Oh, did they not? No, no.

263. People looked after each other, I think, and helped each other.

264. Right. I suppose it's good with rain cos it'll just roll off.

265. How did Egyptians build the Pyramids?

266. Did this start at the top and work down?

267. Or start at the bottom and work up?

268. They had to start at the bottom and work up

269. because it would be impossible to start at the top and work down.

270. The Egyptians believed the most significant thing you could do

271. in your life was die, and the more important you were,

272. the more complicated your death had to be.

273. Egyptian kings were known as pharaohs and, when they died,

274. they'd get turned into mummies of Scooby-Doo fame.

275. The ancient Egyptians were obsessed with dead people, weren't they?

276. But they're all dead themselves now,

277. so do you think they still feel that way?

278. The ancient Egyptians weren't obsessed with dead people

279. but, actually, they were obsessed with life.

280. They wanted to be alive, and they wanted to make sure

281. that, when they died, they came alive again,

282. and that's why they did mummification.

283. So, how did they mummify people?

284. Talk me through the process.

285. You'd get your dead body

286. and you'd you lay it out on a table,

287. and then you wash it, and then you start by removing the brain.

288. Then, they would cut open down the middle of the body.

289. They would take out anything that they thought would rot,

290. and then they would cover it in salt and dry it out,

291. and then they would wrap it in bandages,

292. and then, that would be a mummy.

293. So, the kind of spa treatment

294. that Gwyneth Paltrow has on a weekly basis.

295. Has a mummy ever ridden a bicycle?

296. Not that I know of, no.

297. But the ancient Egyptians didn't have bicycles.

298. Right. They didn't even have roads.

299. So, they couldn't have a bicycle cos they couldn't ride a bicycle.

300. I don't know why I asked that.

301. I just couldn't think of anything else to say.

302. While the pharaohs of Egypt left a legacy of temples and tombs,

303. across the water, an even more impressive empire was appearing.

304. Greece - the country, not the musical -

305. was where the birth of civilisation was born.

306. The ancient Greeks invented lots of things we still have today,

307. like medicine and olives,

308. and lots of things that have died out, like democracy and pillars.

309. As well as these impressive ruins,

310. the ancient Greeks also developed culture in the form of yoghurt

311. and theatre in all its tedious forms.

312. The Greeks were into tragedies.

313. In a tragedy, sad things happen,

314. like people dying or killing themselves,

315. but the ancient Greek tragedies happened ages ago.

316. Are the things that happen in them still sad?

317. They are still sad because what the tragedies tell are stories

318. about humans who we can relate to in some cases.

319. But it was so long ago.

320. Why should I care?

321. Well, again, tragedy is often about human situations.

322. Even today, if you found out that by accident,

323. you'd killed your own father and married your mother,

324. you'd be quite upset, just as Oedipus was.

325. Maybe I'm cold, but I just don't give a shit about people

326. in ancient Greece.

327. That's a shame.

328. Do you? I do care quite a lot.

329. Yeah, it's my job.

330. My mate Paul wrote a story about a man who got a new potato

331. stuck up himself following an ill-advised sex game.

332. And he wrote that in the form of a limerick.

333. No-one died, but it sounds horrendous.

334. Is that a tragedy,

335. or would the potato have to take root and kill him for it to qualify?

336. It sounds like a very unfortunate incident.

337. I'm not sure it has a more timeless relevance

338. that might make it a tragedy.

339. Paul said it really happened, as well.

340. Honestly, he's had such a time of it lately.

341. He really needs a holiday.

342. The Greeks also created a kind of theatre for stupid people,

343. known as sport.

344. They started the Olympic Games without inviting other countries

345. to ensure Greece would win.

346. The contenders at these early Olympics took part completely naked,

347. partly because an athletic physique was considered a virtue,

348. but mainly because Lycra wasn't available.

349. I heard that, at the early Olympics,

350. athletes had to compete in the nude.

351. So, they did compete naked.

352. There are writings about this

353. being quite an erotic sight in some cases.

354. With wrestling, with all that wriggling about,

355. they'd have seen right up their bumholes and everything.

356. Couldn't they censor it for people watching it in the auditorium -

357. modesty patches or something -

358. or ask people to close their eyes each time someone bends over?

359. I think that probably wouldn't have worked.

360. But you'd have seen right up their bumholes.

361. In some cases, people might have done.

362. Did Zeus really approve of that?

363. But perhaps the most famous form of wrestling the Greeks invented

364. was mental wrestling.

365. Philosophy is basically thinking about thinking,

366. which sounds like a waste of time because it is.

367. Although a philosopher might argue that that time they've wasted

368. never existed in the first place,

369. at which point you probably give up talking to them

370. and open a packet of biscuits.

371. These are the ancient Greek philosophers. Not the actual ones.

372. There'd be a lot of dust and bones now.

373. Maybe some teeth if you're lucky.

374. These are just clever simulations made of rock.

375. The Greek philosophers came up

376. with bold new theories about life on Earth.

377. That's why we still know their names today,

378. even though they haven't put out any new material in ages.

379. Socrates.

380. Pythagoras.

381. This one.

382. Him.

383. And this is Plato.

384. As you can see, even now, centuries after his death,

385. he's still deep in thought,

386. concocting clever theories in his head.

387. If only we could hold a microphone to the side of his brain

388. and hear them for ourselves, but we can't.

389. And even if we could, there'd be in Greek,

390. which no-one on our production team can speak.

391. Plato handed his wisdom on to a student

392. who would become one of the most influential thinkers of all time -

393. Aristotle.

394. Aristotle said a lot of clever things, didn't he?

395. My favourite is, "You've got to dance like nobody's watching."

396. It's so true, and you can apply it to anything.

397. Because my confidence is quite brittle at times,

398. and I know I come across as quite confident,

399. but sometimes, when I'm talking to experts,

400. I worry that, you know, I might come across as a bit stupid.

401. And when I think of, "Dance like no-one's watching,"

402. that really helps me. You know, it's like a gift.

403. What made Aristotle think of that?

404. I'm not aware that Aristotle said that particular thing

405. about dancing when no-one's watching.

406. I don't think he said that. He did, didn't he?

407. If he did, I don't know and I don't know why,

408. but I don't think he did.

409. Is there something similar that he might have said,

410. something about one's confidence?

411. Erm, I don't think so.

412. Right.

413. OK.

414. Experts may disagree over what they actually said,

415. but there's no doubt these Greek pioneers changed the way we think.

416. Did a philosopher ever think of an idea so big

417. it split their head open?

418. Not that I'm aware of.

419. You know how the human brain is full of pipes?

420. Philosophers... I'm not.

421. You didn't know about that? I didn't know about that.

422. OK, well, the brain's full of pipes.

423. You know how philosophers have these thoughts

424. and they try and push these thoughts through these pipes?

425. When you're having a big idea, is it best to break it up

426. into lots of little thoughts, about the size of peas,

427. and squeeze them through in quick succession,

428. or just bite the bullet and force it through your mind pipe

429. in one huge clod?

430. Like, gritting your teeth and thinking for dear life.

431. Well, that's a very interesting way

432. of describing two general tendencies in philosophy.

433. One, the more analytic style,

434. which means cutting problems up

435. into bite-sized portions. Peas.

436. And the other, a more synthetic approach,

437. which takes on a larger perspective.

438. So, your characterisation is, in fact,

439. a rather intriguing delineation

440. of two major strands in current philosophy.

441. Is that good? Excellent. Oh, great.

442. Meanwhile, ancient Greece was being spread across the globe

443. by this man - Alexander the Great.

444. Alexander the Great became a king at 20,

445. conducted a military campaign throughout the Middle East,

446. and had an empire stretching all the way from Greece to India

447. by the time he was 30.

448. What did his hair look like?

449. I don't know.

450. And Alexander wasn't the only megastar with his own empire.

451. Huge swathes of China had been unified by Qin Shi Huang,

452. the first cartoon character to found his own empire

453. and build the Great Wall of China.

454. They say the Great Wall of China is the only landmark

455. audible from space.

456. Yeah, you can't hear it.

457. And they say that you can see it from space,

458. but it's not true.

459. They've tried. You can't see it from space?

460. Chinese astronauts have tried to see the Great Wall and they can't.

461. They can't see it.

462. So, it's invisible. It's an invisible wall, like a forcefield.

463. It's only invisible from space.

464. On the ground, you can certainly see it.

465. That's so weird, isn't it?

466. Is that one of the great mysteries?

467. And do we know if China has a roof?

468. Is there a Great Roof of China?

469. No, no great roof.

470. The Chinese empire was a powerhouse of intense creativity

471. and philosophical thought,

472. captured in historical documents produced centuries before

473. the release of unrelated Belgian techno anthem

474. Pump Up The Jam.

475. Pump Up The Jam by Technotronic featuring Felly

476. The Greeks had an empire and the Chinese had an empire,

477. but when most of us think of the word "empire",

478. we think of the big one, Star Wars.

479. Or Rome.

480. And this is history so it's Rome, I'm afraid.

481. Its empire rose to supremacy

482. under the leadership of Julius Caesar,

483. the most notorious Roman until Polanski.

484. One of the reasons we still know a lot about the Romans today

485. is Wikipedia,

486. and the reason Wikipedia knows a lot about the Romans

487. is because of what happened in Pompeii.

488. Pompeii was so advanced it had its own volcano,

489. which is Latin for "Angry Hill."

490. For years, humans and the volcano lived in harmony,

491. until one fateful day they fell out and the volcano went off,

492. burying Pompeii beneath a thick layer of ash.

493. Everyday life was frozen in its tracks

494. as though someone had magically stopped the hands of time

495. and then shat dust everywhere.

496. It was deadly at the time

497. but, on the bright side,

498. it gave archaeologists a treasure trove of information

499. about how the Romans lived.

500. Thanks to the volcano, we know everyday Romans had grey skin,

501. were totally bald, and spent their time lying around

502. inside their shockingly dusty houses.

503. But it also preserved glimpses of how sophisticated Roman life was,

504. with creature comforts like indoor plumbing and cunnilingus.

505. The Roman Empire was years ahead of its time.

506. People think the Romans invented loads of things,

507. but often they only perfected things that other people had made.

508. I'll say some things and you tell me if the Romans invented them

509. or just perfected them.

510. Right? Invented or perfected. Test me.

511. Underfloor heating. Invented.

512. Ding!

513. The calendar. Perfected.

514. You wallied -

515. that means you can't answer the next one.

516. Roads.

517. No, the roads were invented by Persians.

518. Plenty of people knew about roads.

519. You're wallied, anyway, you can't answer that one. Oh, right.

520. Concrete.

521. Invented. Ding! Yep.

522. The alphabet.

523. Oh, definitely did not invent it,

524. and probably didn't really perfect it either.

525. I mean, that's sort of... Got to pick one.

526. Have I? Yeah.

527. Um, I mean, perfected is wrong. Ding!

528. Anal bleaching.

529. What? Anal bleaching.

530. Anal bleaching...

531. Um...

532. I have no idea what that would have done.

533. Go on, give it a go.

534. I don't even know what it is. It's when they bleach your arse.

535. Really? Yeah, lighten it up.

536. Well, not round my way, they don't.

537. But anyway, I have no idea what they did with that. Pass.

538. Invented or perfected. You can't pass.

539. Bleaching? Yeah.

540. Bleaching the arsehole.

541. Um, OK. Well, I'll say they invented it, but...

542. Just a few 100,000 years ago,

543. humans had been living in caves like animals.

544. Now, following a series of technological and cultural

545. breakthroughs, we were living in cities like people.

546. Looking around ancient Rome,

547. our ancestors could have been forgiven for feeling almost as smug

548. as James Corden.

549. But little did the Roman Empire know it was about to come up against

550. its biggest challenge - a man of peace.

551. Jesus Christ, Almighty. Street name, "Son of God."

552. Next time, we look at religion and how it spread - like memes,

553. but with a whole lifestyle and clothing line attached.

554. And we'll be looking at two of the most important books

555. in history, the Bible and the Koran,

556. and finally answering the question, which is best?