1. This programme contains some
strong language.
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2. Today, Britain stands
at a fork in its crossroads.
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3. And its people are asking
questions.
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4. Now we've got our country back -
what actually is it?
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5. Who are we? And why?
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6. The best way to find out
where Britain's heading
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7. is to look behind us into something
called history -
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8. a sort of rear view mirror
for time.
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9. So that's where I'm going.
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10. Back there.
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11. It's a journey that'll take me
the length and width of the country.
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12. On my odyssey, I'll be starting
sentences in one location,
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13. and finishing them in another.
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14. And looking at some of the biggest
faces in British history,
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15. and asking other people's
faces about them.
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16. What was the difference between
punk rock and just being angry
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17. but without a guitar?
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18. All of it taking place in this
skepterred isle we call home.
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19. So join me, Philomena Cunk,
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20. as I take you right up the history
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21. of the United Britain
of Great Kingdom.
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22. This... is Cunk On Britain.
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23. Throughout this series
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24. I've been on a journey
up through Britain's history.
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25. Now I'm almost at the end
of that road,
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26. at the point where olden times end
and now times begin.
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27. A time when the archive footage
goes colour at long fucking last,
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28. and some things you might have
actually heard of happened.
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29. It's the story of how Britain
went from the 1960s
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30. to this very moment now.
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31. And this moment.
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32. And this one.
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33. And also this.
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34. And found itself here and now,
at the arse end of history.
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35. Britain had been uptight ever since
Victorian times,
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36. and having two world wars on top of
that had really knocked the fun
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37. out of everyone.
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38. Men had to wear bowler hats
issued by the government,
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39. and their only form of entertainment
was reading boring newspapers.
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40. They weren't even allowed
to get erections
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41. and had to make do with
a stiff upper lip instead.
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42. Meanwhile, women had to stay at home
washing clothes,
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43. raising hundreds of children
by hand,
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44. and agreeing with their husbands.
The only form of personal expression
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45. they were allowed was wearing
pointy glasses.
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46. But all that was about to change
thanks to four boys from Liverpool -
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47. George, Ringo and their guitarists.
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48. A pop band called The Beatles.
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49. Some brave volunteers among the
British police elect to act
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50. with heroism above and beyond
the call of duty
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51. and escort The Beatles
to their car...
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52. These Beatles didn't have six legs.
They had eight legs. Like a spider.
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53. Everywhere they went, girls
screamed. Like with a spider.
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54. But unlike spiders, The Beatles
never crawled into anyone's mouth
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55. when they were asleep.
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56. Instead they sang, which scientists
claim spiders don't.
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57. The Beatles started from humble
beginnings.
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58. In the early days they couldn't
afford individual haircuts,
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59. and had to copy and paste the same
one onto each of their heads.
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60. And they had to share
a microphone to save money.
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61. But their catchy jingles
were so infectious
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62. they soon lead to an epidemic called
Beatlemania.
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63. And The Beatles wanted to
hold your hand,
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64. which only made the disease
spread faster.
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65. Soon it spread across the Atlantic
to America,
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66. a country which was still there.
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67. There are rumours around
that this is Britain's revenge
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68. for the Boston Tea Party.
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69. While The Beatles were in the USA
they started to become influenced
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70. by the hippies - which were
sort of American Wombles.
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71. They experimented with a drug called
LUZZD which made the user
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72. see and hear things that weren't
really happening -
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73. a bit like Netflix.
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74. Their music turned psychopathic.
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75. Rather than churning out more
simple love songs,
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76. thanks to psychopathic drugs,
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77. The Beatles began to sing about
deeper, more meaningful things.
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78. The Beatles created some incredible
music whilst they were on drugs.
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79. Did they not have dope
testing back then?
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80. How come they weren't
disqualified from the charts?
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81. Well, erm, as a matter of fact
there were songs they did
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82. that the BBC, who in those days
were most of the radio stations,
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83. thought were references
to drug taking
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84. so they did ban them
from the charts.
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85. It's weird that The Beatles
LSD songs are so happy, isn't it,
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86. because LSD isn't always
a happy experience.
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87. Like, my mate Paul met this Italian
couple whilst he was backpacking
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88. and they invited him back
to their room for a threesome.
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89. And they gave him some LSD and
when they got there the bloke one
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90. pulled a screwdriver on him
and made him shit in his own shoe
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91. and eat it,
whilst the woman one filmed it.
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92. And that's a side of drug use
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93. that Paul McCartney doesn't
sing about, isn't it?
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94. No, I think, luckily, that...
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95. That kind of experience
never came his way. Hmm.
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96. During one LUZZD expedition,
or "trip",
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97. The Beatles became the first Britons
to discover the existence of colour.
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98. And like Sir Walter Raleigh and his
potatoes, they took their discovery
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99. home to the UK, where it caught
on like hot cakes of wildfire.
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100. Britain went overnight
from grey to groovy.
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101. Suddenly it was cool
to ignore society
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102. and just be
whoever you wanted to be,
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103. as long as you had fashionable hair
and flamboyant clothing
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104. like everybody else.
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105. A pearl mink miniskirt.
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106. Must be tailor-made for the freeze.
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107. Were miniskirts actually shorter
or did they just appear that way
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108. cos people's legs
were getting longer?
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109. They were actually
quite a lot shorter.
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110. And they got shorter
as the '60s went on.
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111. Was there a miniskirt for men?
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112. You know like trousers that just
stopped under the balls?
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113. No, there wasn't. There wasn't
a miniskirt for... for men.
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114. That seems like a shame.
For whom? For men.
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115. So they didn't feel left out,
you know.
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116. And it must be nice to have that
sort of... air circulating.
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117. But it wasn't just clothes
that were changing.
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118. The sexual revolution was coming,
and the country was lapping it up.
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119. Much of the change was due to this -
the pill - a condom you could eat.
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120. A sort of "Get Out of Child Free"
card, that meant at last
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121. women could have sex for fun,
with any man of their choosing,
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122. for two or three minutes,
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123. until he spaffed off, rolled over
and went to sleep.
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124. Some women were having so much sex
they decided to burn their bras
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125. cos it was quicker than putting them
on and taking them off all the time.
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126. Free love was all the rage.
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127. Thanks to the pill,
sex was turned on its head.
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128. And its back.
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129. And over the table.
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130. People let it all hang out,
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131. like your dad doing the gardening
in loose shorts.
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132. And the law was catching up
with the times.
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133. For years, homosexuality was illegal
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134. and gay men were sent to prison
where, as punishment, they'd have to
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135. share a tiny room with a man,
for years.
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136. But in the '60s, same-sex sex
was decriminalized.
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137. It was a time of liberation.
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138. Soon everyone in Britain
was swinging.
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139. Except convicted murderers, because
hanging had just been abolished.
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140. For the first time ever, Britain
was cool, not just the weather.
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141. Britain even decided
to be cool at sport.
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142. England, the posh bit of Britain,
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143. brought back memories of the war
by beating the Germans again.
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144. This time they bounced a ball into a
net, rather than a bomb into a dam,
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145. killing far fewer civilians and
coining the infamous phrase
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146. "They think it's all over,
presented by Nick Hancock."
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147. Things were really looking up.
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148. But the fun, like a Toblerone,
couldn't last forever,
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149. and almost as quickly as the '60s
had arrived, they were over,
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150. give or take ten years. And now
it was the 1970s turn to happen.
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151. The 1970s was a time of great change
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152. and the first change
was the economy.
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153. Britain had a new Prime Minister,
Edward Heath.
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154. With his love of yachts,
classical music and church organs,
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155. Edward Heath seemed to be
a real man of the people.
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156. But Heath soon found himself
facing a financial crisis,
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157. the likes of which the world only
sees about every ten years or so.
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158. Thanks to inflation,
prices were getting bigger,
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159. while wages were getting smaller.
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160. The country was in chaos.
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161. Britain was said to have
"the British disease".
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162. And there was no known cure.
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163. Apart from not to be Britain
any more.
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164. Which is why Ted Heath insisted
we should became part of Europe.
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165. Soon Britain entered
the European Common Market,
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166. in what should have been
called Brentrance, but wasn't.
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167. It was so perfect
we held a referendum to check
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168. whether Britain should
stay in Europe...
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169. Yes is now at 67%
and the no vote at 33%.
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170. .. and it turned out everybody
was happy with the idea,
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171. as a majority secretly are today
but daren't mention.
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172. But things were still rubbish.
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173. There was rising unemployment,
widespread industrial action
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174. and an energy crisis,
which meant for the first time
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175. people had to justify how much
electricity they were using.
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176. But elsewhere on the estate,
one bar of an electric fire
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177. was heating a defiant
old-age pensioner.
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178. If we don't need two bars on,
well, we don't have two bars on.
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179. If we need two bars on
we put two bars on!
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180. It's like... It's not...
It's logic. It's human nature.
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181. So if the weather suddenly turns
very cold again you're probably
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182. going to have to put the other bar
on, are you?
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183. I'll put the other bar on and a
reflector. I'll have the lot on.
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184. Soon power cuts became all the rage.
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185. Because the lights kept going
out at a moment's notice,
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186. plunging everyone into darkness,
there was no point dressing nicely.
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187. And as a result the world of fashion
decided to simply give up.
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188. Every item of clothing
in the world went off overnight.
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189. And the sickness spread to haircuts,
which caught Dutch elm disease
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190. and became horribly disfigured.
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191. Even the air and the sky started to
look dingy and awful,
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192. and like it was all filmed
underwater.
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193. To cap it all, in Northern Ireland,
a civil war was breaking out,
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194. but so as not to scare anyone,
they didn't call it a civil war,
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195. they just called it The Troubles,
like it was a tummy bug
or something.
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196. People were angry and all that
pent-up fury had to go somewhere.
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197. Conditions were ripe for a musical
explosion known as punk.
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198. As you can see from this
searing performance,
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199. the punks were antisocial,
cynical, and dangerous.
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200. And no punk band was bigger or more
shockinger than the Sex Pistons.
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201. They had shocking names
like Johnny Bottom and Sid Knickers,
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202. they wore shocking
home-made clothes,
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203. and put hankies on their heads,
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204. hence their famous call to arms -
Handkerchiefs in the UK.
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205. But the most shocking thing
they did was swearing on TV,
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206. an incident so outrageous that in
the time since it first happened,
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207. it's only ever been seen again
three, or maybe four hundred times,
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208. in music documentaries.
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209. It's what? Nothing. A rude word.
Next question.
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210. No, no, what was the rude word?
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211. Shit.
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212. Was it really? Good heavens!
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213. The Sex Pistols were fired,
weren't they, as TV presenters?
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214. What was all that about?
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215. Well, I think the thing about the
Sex Pistols were that they were...
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216. They had a lot of impact cos
they got a lot of, you know,
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217. shock value and sensation
in the papers and on telly.
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218. And they help really launch
the movement of punk
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219. because everybody knew about what
they were up to.
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220. But I don't understand why
they got fired on the telly?
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221. Well, they swore.
Oh, right, yeah. OK.
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222. That was quite shocking back then,
wasn't it? Back then it was.
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223. Not now though, really. No.
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224. Now you'd have to do something much
bigger, wouldn't you? Yeah.
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225. You'd have to like do a poo on
The One Show or something. Yes.
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226. Even then, you know,
you might not get fired.
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227. What if you then sort of hoike your
trousers up without even wiping?
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228. But punk wasn't the only sign
the country had gone to the dogs.
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229. In 1978, literally everyone
went on strike in
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230. the Winter Of Discomfort.
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231. Even punks went on strike, refusing
to put on their punk uniforms
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232. and instead dressing
like normal people.
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233. Something had to be done,
so it was decided to start the 1980s
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234. a year early, with the election
of a new Prime Minister in 1979 -
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235. Margaret Thatcher.
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236. Street name: Mrs.
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237. Her Majesty the Queen has asked me
to form a new administration.
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238. Thatcher's election was a watershed.
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239. It proved that absolutely anyone
could become Prime Minister,
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240. provided they went to Oxford
and married a millionaire.
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241. As well as a uterus,
Mrs Thatcher had a vision.
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242. An economic vision.
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243. With all coins up it.
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244. She believed in laissez faire
economics -
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245. which is French for something,
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246. and then English again for
the "economics" bit.
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247. OK, let's pretend it's the 1980s
and I'm Margaret Thatcher.
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248. This is a political interview.
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249. What would you ask me?
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250. I think I would start by asking,
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251. if this was, erm, the early part
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252. of her period in office,
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253. erm, why she was setting
interest rates so high,
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254. why she was allowing
the exchange rate to go so high
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255. in a way that was really damaging
British industry and, er,
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256. causing a huge rise in unemployment,
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257. and didn't she think that she was
causing huge, unnecessary suffering?
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258. You're not expecting me
to answer that, seriously.
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259. Mrs Thatcher had saved the nation
from chaos
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260. with her tough economic policies,
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261. and a grateful nation erupted
into lively street parties.
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262. The sense of jubilation continued
during the royal wedding
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263. of the century.
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264. It was a dream come true,
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265. as the then future and still future
King of England,
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266. the Prince of Charles,
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267. married one of the three people
in his marriage,
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268. the future Queen of Hearts,
Lady Diana Frank Spencer,
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269. in a wedding just like something
from a fairy tale,
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270. except without a wolf or dwarves
or a beanstalk, or a happy ending.
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271. But while people waved
flags like idiots at home,
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272. trouble was brewing overseas, at a
faraway corner of foreign Britain
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273. known as the
Isle of Falklands Island.
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274. This island was
invaded by Argentinas,
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275. who'd mistaken it for an identical
island they'd left lying around
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276. in exactly the same place
a few centuries ago.
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277. Mrs Thatcher immediately fought
back by bravely ordering troops
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278. to fight and die on her behalf.
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279. And soon that famous flag,
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280. the Onion Jack, was flying over the
Isle of Falklands Island once again.
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281. Beating the Argentines at war
sealed Mrs Thatcher's reputation
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282. as a tough guy so much that people
started to call her the Iron Lady.
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283. And she soon got another chance
to prove just how hard she was,
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284. not in a major war
but a minor strike.
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285. During Mrs Thatcher's reign there
was the Minor's Strike,
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286. wasn't there? Yeah, yeah.
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287. Why was it considered minor?
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288. It wasn't considered minor.
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289. It was a strike by miners.
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290. People who go, you know,
underground and dig out coal.
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291. Right. What's a mine?
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292. So a mine is the
underground construction
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293. where you dig out the coal.
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294. Right. What's coal?
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295. So, coal is this black, er,
rock that you burn.
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296. Right.
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297. And that's grown underground?
And that's underground.
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298. So the min-ers go in the mine...
They do.
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299. .. and they get the coal.
And they get the coal.
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300. And then they went on strike.
Yeah.
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301. The miners' struck their strike
in 1984, led by their leader,
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302. Arthur Scarface.
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303. If we've got to suffer,
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304. through November and December
we'll beat this...
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305. Thatcher refused to back down
and soon the two sides were at war.
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306. A class war.
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307. The rich police on their horses
in their smart uniforms,
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308. and the poor dirty miners
fighting with bits of coal.
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309. It was like something
out of the Russian Revolution.
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310. Except it was happening here.
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311. In Britain.
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312. Somewhere near you.
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313. If you lived near a mine.
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314. The miners' strike,
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315. perhaps the most bitter dispute
Britain had seen in years,
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316. tore generations apart,
before ending in 1985 -
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317. one whole year before
the terrestrial broadcast premiere
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318. of the BBC sitcom Brush Strokes.
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319. With the miners crushed,
like miners in a bad mine,
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320. Thatcher was free to pursue
her economic dreams
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321. by privatizing some of Britain's
biggest assets.
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322. Thanks to the big sell off,
anyone could get rich,
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323. providing they had loads of spare
money already -
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324. a system still in use to this day.
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325. Suddenly having money was cool
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326. and no-one had more money than the
yuppies, or Young Urban Twats.
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327. To be a 1980s yuppie, did you have
to qualify as a wanker first
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328. and then just work your way up?
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329. Eh... I think some people identified
as yuppies but it was also,
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330. I think, used as an insult
in the 1980s.
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331. I've seen footage of yuppies holding
Filofaxes and mobile phones.
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332. Er, are they still in that footage
or where are they now?
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333. Er, where are they now?
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334. Well, they're sort of 30 years
older now so...
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335. So they're not in that
footage any more?
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336. Well, that footage is historical
so...
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337. So if you look back at that footage
it'll just be empty? No...
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338. Cos that person has now left.
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339. No, the footage is... is... is
a recording of what happened
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340. in the past.
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341. So the footage stays the same
but those people,
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342. we don't know what's
happened to them.
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343. But what... What of their Filofaxes?
What happened to them?
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344. It seemed like a golden
age of twattery.
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345. But Thatcher's luck couldn't last
forever and as the 1990s approached
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346. she got too ambitious, by unveiling
the controversial Paul Tax.
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347. A tax on people called Paul.
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348. And they were furious.
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349. Following a wave of protests,
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350. Thatcher wound up on her Iron Arse,
leaving Downing Street crying
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351. tears down her face, which she'd
never done before in case it rusted.
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352. The next Prime Minister, Major John,
was as fearsome as he looked,
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353. and he presided over yet another
depressing period of recession.
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354. Britain was in a right state,
not only financially
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355. but also economically,
and in money terms, too.
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356. The only hope was that we could
somehow paint and sing our way out.
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357. It was an art
and culture renaissance.
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358. An era defined by Oasis,
The Spice Girls, Swede,
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359. Chris Evans, Take This,
Damien Hurts, The Proddy Guy,
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360. Trainspotting, Chris Evans,
Mr Blobby, Jamie Oliver, mopeds,
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361. ironic wanking, The Italian Job,
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362. Chris Evans, Chris Evans,
and Chris Evans.
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363. But one name sums up the nineties
better than anyone else: Blur.
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364. In the 1997 election,
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365. why do you think more people
voted for Tony Blur than Oasis?
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366. You're making, erm, a mistake which
was quite common at the time
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367. because the Prime Minister,
or Labour Party leader
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368. at the time, was called Tony Blair.
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369. Blur.
Blair.
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370. Blur. Blair. Blur.
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371. Blair. Blur.
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372. Tony Blair was...
Blur. Blair. Blur.
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373. .. was Prime Minister and leader of
the Labour Party and there was one
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374. of the biggest, erm, rock or pop
bands of the time was Blur.
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375. Blur. Blur.
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376. Yeah.
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377. It's hard to remember today,
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378. but Blur and Blair were actually
two different things.
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379. Blur were a rock band locked
into a notorious rivalry with Oasis.
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380. Oasis were rough-and-tumble
lads from Manchester,
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381. whereas Blur were from art school,
which is the opposite of Manchester.
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382. And that's why
they hated each other.
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383. Tony Blur, meanwhile,
was a guitarist and D: ream fan,
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384. who reinvented the Labour Party and
rode it to victory at the election.
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385. Blur hosted a party at Number Ten,
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386. inviting lots of the Cool Britannia
crowd
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387. and immediately making them
much less cool.
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388. Anyone who was anyone who was
a massive prick was there.
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389. But the party atmosphere
was interrupted by tragedy.
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390. Diana's death couldn't have come at
a worse time for a nation
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391. that had just got really into being
judgmental about her sex life.
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392. The sense of loss was shocking.
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393. It's hard to convey the atmosphere
to younger viewers,
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394. although it's fair to say
the general mood was...
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395. And also...
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396. But because emojis hadn't
yet been invented,
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397. people had to cry with their faces.
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398. Millions looked to the Queen to pull
a ceremonial sad face in solidarity.
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399. But with the monarch
constitutionally forbidden
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400. to express emotion, their pleas
fell on deaf tear ducts.
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401. Tony Blur stepped in to say
what needed to be said.
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402. He called Diana
"the Peebles Princes."
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403. "She was the People's Princess."
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404. Even though she wasn't from Peebles,
she was from Norfolk,
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405. but sometimes the facts aren't as
important as how something sounds.
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406. It was the first step on a post-pop
career that turned the
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407. Prime Minister into a living saint,
like Bono, or Holly Willoughby.
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408. Through the '90s, Blur solved
all the nation's problems -
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409. the economy, health, education,
education, education,
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410. even the Irish Troubles -
there was nothing he couldn't do.
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411. But no sooner had the 21st century
started happening,
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412. than Blur dragged
Britain into the war on terror.
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413. But the war in Iraq proved
about as popular
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414. as infanticide-flavoured crisps.
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415. And Blair's legacy was well
and truly shat through a bin bag.
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416. Blur slinked off to
live inside a haunted mirror,
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417. leaving Number 10 under
the stewardship of a man
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418. with all the carefree joie de vivre
of a haunted cave in Poland -
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419. Gorgon Brown.
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420. Gorgon Brown knew mainly about
coins, but that wouldn't help him
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421. cos all the coins were about
to implode
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422. in a financial crisis
which would become known as
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423. "the financial crisis".
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424. People queued outside banks
in scenes of boring desperation.
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425. The world of money was broken
and no-one knew how to fix it.
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426. Today stock markets across the world
tumbled, imploded,
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427. continued to collapse like deflated
dirigibles.
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428. People say the financial
crisis happened
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429. because it just got too complicated
and it's all because of the maths.
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430. If we took maths out of the equation
it'd be much easier.
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431. Couldn't we use something else
instead of numbers?
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432. I think that actually
you're right, in a way.
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433. That there is too much
maths in the way that people
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434. think about the economy.
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435. One of the things that occasionally
goes wrong is that economists
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436. think that they can build...
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437. Man! I Feel Like
A Woman by Shania Twain
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438. Sorry about that.
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439. After Gorgon Brown stuck
a plaster on the economy and left,
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440. the country needed a strong leader,
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441. and luckily one man stepped up
to single-handedly save the nation.
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442. The finest Prime Minister
Britain has ever had.
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443. A man whose name will never
be forgotten.
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444. Davis Cameron.
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445. Davis Cameron skilfully almost won
the 2010 election,
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446. and formed a Brokeback Mountain
style coalition
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447. with the equally visionary
and beloved Nick Clegg.
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448. Almost immediately,
Britain's problems,
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449. apart from the economy and social
injustice and all the other ones,
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450. were solved, and by 2011
everything was going swimmingly.
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451. There was even a new Diana, in the
form of Kate Middleton,
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452. who married King William
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453. in a high definition reboot
of the Royal Wedding.
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454. By the time the Olympics
came to Britain
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455. the country was riding the crest
of a wave.
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456. Suddenly, it seemed like we could do
anything if we put our mind to it,
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457. even stop moaning.
It was a great time to be British.
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458. Unless you were Scottish.
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459. Scotland wasn't sure it wanted
to be British any more
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460. and thought being Scottish
might be good enough.
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461. Delegates, it's game on
for Scotland.
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462. It's funny - why do Scottish
people hate the English
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463. when the English have absolutely no
feelings at all about the Scots?
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464. I suppose it's a bit like a...
a marriage...
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465. .. of an old couple.
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466. Er, it's, you know,
it's as though Scotland
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467. and England got married
when they were young
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468. and it's constantly under debate
whether they're better off
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469. staying together for the sake
of the pension and the house
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470. or if they should get divorced.
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471. Do you think England snores?
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472. England looks to me like the kind of
person that snores. Mm.
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473. The Scots held something called
a referendum,
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474. which is a way of asking the public
what they want to happen,
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475. and then actually taking them
seriously, unlike in an election.
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476. In the end, Scotland voted to stay
attached to England
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477. using a system of fields and roads,
as before.
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478. But the referendum had been such
a hit that Davis Cameron
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479. decided he wanted one, too.
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480. But this referendum would be
about a different country: Europe.
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481. And I will go to Parliament
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482. and propose that the British people
decide our future in Europe.
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483. It was a simple choice -
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484. should Britain leave things as they
were and stay part of Europe
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485. or, alternatively,
remain on its own,
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486. and become part of England instead?
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487. One thing's for sure,
Davis Cameron's referendum
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488. would stop anyone arguing about
Europe ever again.
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489. When the sun rose on
24th June, 2016,
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490. with it came the news that
Britain had voted Out.
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491. Brexit was happening,
and everyone was delighted.
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492. That is now statistically,
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493. mathematically there,
that the Leave campaign have won.
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494. The Brexit result
shook everything up.
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495. Suddenly Davis Cameron was out,
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496. Theresa May was in and Jeremy Corbyn
was sexually attractive.
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497. The future of Britain is now more
uncertain than at any point
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498. in the past, which is the opposite
of its future.
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499. Right now, is Britain at an
important moment in history,
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500. or a significant one?
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501. Erm... I'd say really important.
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502. Not significant?
Both.
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503. What if you had to choose one?
Important. Not significant?
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504. Just because it's important, doesn't
mean it's... They can be both.
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505. They can be important
and significant. Not in this.
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506. OK.
You have to choose one.
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507. If I'm going to choose one...
Yeah.
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508. ..I'll chose important.
So it's not significant?
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509. Throughout this series
I've charted the story of Britain,
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510. and it's a story that ends here,
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511. with the country once again
at a turning point
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512. between a rock and a harder rock,
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513. closing one door with a foot
in the past, and opening another
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514. with an eye to the future, an eye
that's looking at itself in
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515. the mirror and asking the question,
"What sort of massive country am I?"
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516. Can the nation that withstood
Romans, Vikings, plagues,
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517. Great Fires, Rippers
and Hitler survive itself?
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518. Will it draw upon the spirit of King
Arthur, Lord Nelson, Queen Victoria,
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519. Charles Darwin and Andy Crane?
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520. Who will the Britain of tomorrow
look like? And why?
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521. Britain didn't get to have a long
history by ceasing to exist
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522. or being born yesterday.
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523. The one thing we can be sure of is
that Britain is Britain.
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524. And it'll stay that way forever.
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525. Until it's not.
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