1. This programme contains
some strong language
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2. Today, Britain stands at a fork in
its crossroads.
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3. And its people are asking questions.
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4. Now we've got our country back,
what actually is it?
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5. Who are we? And why?
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6. The best way to find out where
Britain's heading is to
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7. look behind us into something
called "history",
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8. a sort of rear view mirror
for time.
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9. So that's where I'm going.
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10. Back there.
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11. It's a journey
that'll take me the length
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12. and width of the country,
from the White Cliffs of Dover
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13. to the Scottish high lands
of the Scottish Highlands.
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14. From old stone circles to
modern stone circles.
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15. From the tranquil beauty
of Roman Bath to the
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16. Golden Wonder of Oxford Services.
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17. I'll discover how we went
from Ancient Man to Ed Sheer-an,
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18. why Elizabeth I happened,
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19. and solving the mystery of just
who Winston Churchill was,
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20. and why he wound up helplessly
trapped inside this banknote.
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21. Along the way, I'll be shouting
at helicopters
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22. and looking at some of the biggest
faces in British history,
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23. and asking other people's
faces about them.
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24. Why did they call John Major
the Prince of Onions?
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25. Ummmmmm...
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26. And also walking somewhere
impressive with my mouth shut
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27. while my voice speaks anyway, like
I'm talking aloud in my own head.
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28. All of it taking place in this
sceptered isle we call home.
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29. So join me, Philomena Cunk, as
I take you right up
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30. the history of the United Britain
of Great Kingdom.
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31. This... is Cunk on Britain.
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32. It's hard to imagine
while you're standing in it,
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33. but there was a time before Britain.
Before Europe.
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34. Before the world,
even before the universe.
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35. Nobody can say when it was,
because it was also before clocks.
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36. And words. It was a time when
nothing existed.
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37. Empty. Without motion, or energy,
or light, or hope.
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38. Just like Plymouth today.
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39. Just imagine something like
this orange.
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40. And then imagine it's not there.
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41. Then do that one by one, with
everything that exists
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42. until there's nothing at all.
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43. That's what Britain was like
until the Big Bang.
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44. The Big Bang created the universe
in one mad explosion that was
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45. probably deafening, although,
luckily, ears didn't exist yet.
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46. Computers think it looked like this,
although eyes also didn't
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47. exist back then either
so we can't be sure, and it was
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48. so long ago now it's probably best
not to keep dredging it up.
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49. Britain was already part of Earth
but it was scrunched in along
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50. with loads of other countries in
a gigantic land mass called Pangea.
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51. At this time, Pangea was full
of Dinosaur, a race of Godzilla
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52. monsters so scary, normal human
beings didn't dare exist
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53. until they'd all gone.
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54. Dinosaurs came in many flavours,
just like Kettle Chips.
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55. As this actual footage shows,
the main ones were the Across ones
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56. who ate grass, and the Up-and-Down
ones who ate the Across ones.
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57. This Tyrannical Sawdust Rex is
the only real dinosaur left in the
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58. world, which is probably why it's
so angry, spending literally every
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59. waking moment of its life roaring
helplessly at passing tourists.
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60. People wonder why the dinosaurs
became extinct,
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61. although it's hardly
surprising they died out
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62. when you see the barbaric conditions
they're kept in, in zoos such as
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63. this one, underfed, starving, some
of them little more than skeletons.
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64. Luckily, the dinosaurs were soon
replaced by different animals.
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65. Animals like me. Man.
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66. But men like me didn't just appear,
fully-clothed, on the Earth.
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67. Instead, we had to evolve.
Evolution is complicated,
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68. so we've massively slowed it down
here so you can see it happening.
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69. And this wasn't the only change
that was happening,
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70. Pangea was changing too.
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71. Over time, all the countries decided
to split away one by one to
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72. work on solo projects.
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73. And Britain was no exception.
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74. Stones Age man used stones to make
basic weapons and tools,
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75. like these hand axes.
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76. As well as boring, these are also
shit by today's standards, but
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77. back then they were cutting edge,
because they had a cutting edge.
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78. The Stones Age was all rocks,
wasn't it?
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79. Are stones made of rock
or are rocks made of stone?
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80. Both. A stone is a rock.
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81. Generally a rock...
And a rock is a stone.
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82. Yeah, yeah, generally
rocks are, uh, more edgy,
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83. more ragged varieties of stone.
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84. The Stone Age lasted
a very long time.
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85. In fact, our species spent more time
in the Stone Age than any other.
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86. Let's think of it this way,
if you look at the human history,
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87. pre-history, as a year and
so New Year's Day is where humans
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88. start to use fire, and shape stone
tools and this year is the
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89. last split second before midnight
at the other end of the year, then
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90. we're in the old Stone Age until
about 3pm on the 31st of December.
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91. So rocks are more jaggedy.
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92. You could tell stone age
stuff was precious
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93. because they kept everything
deep underground.
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94. Why did Stone Age people bury
all their stuff underground?
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95. Were they worried someone might
steal it?
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96. No, that's how we find it.
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97. It wasn't always underground.
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98. It was on the top.
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99. The reason we find it
as archaeologists is that we go
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100. out and we dig it up. Oh.
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101. But not all Stones Age things
have to be dug up.
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102. Some are still visible.
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103. Which means you can see them.
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104. This is Stonehenge.
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105. Early man's finest achievement.
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106. To Stones Age Britons,
this was a cross between Nemesis
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107. at Alton Towers, in that it was
a spectacular attraction,
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108. and the queue for Nemesis
at Alton Towers
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109. in that it never fucking moves.
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110. Stonehenge was used to
tell the time,
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111. which means Stonehenge is the only
clock you can see from space.
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112. Unless you have a clock
in your spaceship.
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113. Eventually, primitive cave-boffins
discovered new materials.
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114. Early man dropped
rocks like a stone,
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115. and got into metal,
bronze, and then iron.
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116. Iron Man was born.
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117. But this Iron Man didn't have
superpowers like the Iron Man
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118. in films. He couldn't fly or
tolerate Gwyneth Paltrow,
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119. so instead he had to go to lengthy
measures to defend himself.
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120. Luckily, cave-boffins had also
invented the iron spike.
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121. And shortly after inventing
the spike,
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122. they invented stabbing each other.
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123. To make sure they stabbed the
right people,
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124. Britons formed into primitive
gangs, called tribes.
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125. And like many gangs,
they got into graffiti,
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126. vandalising the countryside with
gigantic doodles
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127. like this badly drawn horse,
or this decorative pervert.
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128. Before Snapchat, hills were the most
efficient way to distribute
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129. dick pics to a wide audience.
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130. As a result, this site
at Cerne Abbas became the second
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131. crudest hill in British history,
after Benny.
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132. There's disagreement about how old
the Cerne Abbas giant
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133. actually is, especially since he's
still young enough to get wood.
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134. What's not in doubt
is that he represents
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135. the birth of British art,
being the biggest example of a noble
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136. visual tradition
that's echoed down the ages.
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137. But this happy land of spikes
and hill filth
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138. was about to come under threat
from something nobody saw coming.
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139. Romans.
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140. Where did the Romans come from?
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141. To begin with, they came from Rome,
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142. and then they came
from the Roman Empire.
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143. Right, but where in Britain
did they come from?
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144. Not from Britain, they came
from Rome, which is in Italy.
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145. Right, well, this is about
the history of Britain, so...
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146. Where in Britain did they come from?
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147. Well, the Romans came from Rome
and they headed northwards
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148. and conquered most of Europe.
And then they crossed
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149. the English Channel and they
conquered about half of Britain.
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150. And where did they go once
they were in Britain?
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151. Well, they tried to get to Scotland
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152. but they decided it wasn't worth
the effort of going there.
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153. Yeah, I've felt that.
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154. The Romans were so advanced
they came with Latin pre-installed.
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155. And they soon taught the primitive
locals how to wash
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156. and walk on their hind legs.
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157. The Romans were fearsome in battle
but soon found themselves
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158. facing resistance from some British
locals known as Celts.
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159. There was heavy fighting,
although, according to experts,
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160. it wouldn't have quite looked
like this.
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161. Celts famously would... The warriors
would strip naked,
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162. paint themselves in designs,
and go into battle naked.
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163. They believed that by painting
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164. themselves in designs that they were
calling out to their gods,
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165. up in the sky, for protection
and for courage and for help.
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166. Did the Romans have chain mail then?
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167. They had, um, armour of a sort.
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168. They had armour and they were naked?
Yeah. Who won?
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169. Well... The Romans? The Romans won
in the end.
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170. I knew it.
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171. I bet when the Celts turned up naked
and saw what the Romans had on,
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172. I bet they were kicking themselves.
I bet they felt stupid.
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173. Bet they were like,
"Who suggested this?"
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174. Having defeated the Celts,
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175. the Romans set about
revolutionising British life.
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176. They built Hard Ian's wall,
and put the capital of Britain
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177. in Colchester, were nobody would
want to come and get it.
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178. They introduced coins, and invented
these primitive 8-bit computer
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179. game graphics, but couldn't
make them move.
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180. What the Romans really loved,
was bathing, which is
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181. why they built this in
the English town of Bathe.
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182. No-one in Britain had seen anything
as sophisticated as these baths.
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183. You could think of it as an early
example of gentrification,
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184. like when someone opens
an artisan bakery in Hull.
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185. Imagine an ancient Briton
walking into this place.
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186. He'd scarcely be able to comprehend
what he was seeing.
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187. It'd be like Steve McFadden
climbing on board Concorde.
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188. Perhaps most impressive of all,
the Romans invented roads.
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189. Before roads was invented,
you had to travel around by standing
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190. at the edge of your village,
and seeing how far you could jump.
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191. Despite all this, some people
resisted the Roman invasion.
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192. Queen Boudicca came from Norfolk,
like so many rebels.
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193. Myleene Klass.
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194. Ed Balls.
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195. Delia Smith.
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196. Boudicca hated the Romans.
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197. She led a barbarian army in revolt,
and attacked Colchester,
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198. turning it from the bustling
capital into a smouldering hellhole
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199. full of weeping and despair,
which you can still visit today.
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200. Rome was the most advanced warfare
machine on the planet.
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201. But Boudicca's army fought back with
the weapon they knew best.
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202. Spikes.
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203. And lost, because it's just spikes.
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204. Once Boudicca was crushed,
the Romans ruled over
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205. Britain for years, until suddenly
they had to rush home because they
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206. remembered they'd left a complete
collapse of civilisation on.
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207. Britain was left on its own.
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208. It had taken back control from the
unelected bureaucrats of Rome
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209. and was free at last to
explore its own proud destiny.
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210. And it did that by immediately
entering the Dark Ages.
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211. We don't know a huge amount
about what actually happened
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212. during the Dark Ages because the
Romans had taken
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213. the last pens with them.
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214. That's probably why it
became a time of myth.
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215. And great heroes, like King Arthur.
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216. King Arthur came a lot, didn't he?
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217. I, I think you mean that
he's associated
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218. with the court of Camelot.
No, it definitely says...
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219. "King Arthur came a lot."
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220. Camelot. Camelot?
Yeah, it's it's his court.
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221. Where he, where he held court.
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222. It's, it's a place.
Oh, right.
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223. But do we know if he came a lot?
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224. Or, like, just
the same as an average man?
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225. Like about a tablespoon.
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226. The only evidence I have in that
regard is that he is said to
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227. have had one child. Right.
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228. So probably not.
Probably not.
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229. Even though he didn't exist,
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230. King Arthur lived in a castle
called Camelot,
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231. where he founded the Round Table,
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232. even though he didn't do
that either.
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233. The Round Table was
a sort of lazy Susan,
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234. which meant the knights could
get at the snacks
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235. they wanted without having to
move around in their armour.
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236. But perhaps the greatest British
icon to emerge
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237. during the Dark Ages was
mega patriot
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238. and dragon slayer St George.
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239. We don't know where or when
George slayed the dragon,
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240. but we know it definitely happened
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241. because a bystander took this
painting of the event.
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242. And it probably happened
somewhere in Wales.
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243. It's one of the few concrete facts
to come out of the Dark Ages.
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244. Do we know for certain the dragon
was threatening St George
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245. or do we just jump to conclusions
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246. because the of the way
the dragon looked?
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247. Um, well, eh, the story of
St George killing the dragon
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248. isn't actually true
because there are no dragons.
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249. After he killed the dragon,
how was he rewarded?
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250. I mean, what's better than a saint?
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251. Well, he didn't kill the dragon,
cos dragons don't exist.
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252. It's made up.
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253. But is it true to say he was the
greatest Englishman who ever lived?
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254. The thing about St George is that he
wasn't actually English.
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255. His father came from the middle of
what's now Turkey,
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256. and his mother came from Palestine.
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257. And he never actually came
to England.
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258. Oh, you're joking!
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259. But although St George never
bothered, lots of other
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260. foreigners did set foot in Britain,
as it got invaded again and again.
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261. First by the Angles and the Saxons
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262. and then by the notoriously brutal
Vikings, who arrived from
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263. Denmark in long boats, wearing metal
helmets which they'd somehow managed
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264. to pull over the terrifying skull
horns that jutted from their heads.
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265. British King Alfred of Great fought
the Vikings by giving up,
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266. and letting them settle in York,
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267. probably because it had
the Jorvik Viking Centre.
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268. Soon, interbreeding meant
the Vikings lost their distinctive
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269. horns and became indistinguishable
from normal humans.
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270. For a few hundred years,
Britain was relatively peaceful,
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271. until one day when a new king,
Harold, was getting coronated.
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272. And Halley's Comet, a sort of very
short firework display,
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273. appeared in the sky.
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274. The comet has always heralded
great events.
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275. It last appeared
in our skies in 1986,
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276. the same year the sitcom
Brush Strokes started.
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277. In King Harold's day,
the comet was also a sign
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278. of terrible things to come.
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279. The year was 1066.
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280. 1066 and the Battle of Hastings
are probably British history's
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281. two most famous events, so it's
handy they happened the same year.
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282. Harold had a rival.
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283. In the first example of an EU
national coming over here
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284. to take British jobs,
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285. a Frenchman called William set sail
to seize the throne,
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286. and become King.
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287. It's amazing to think that only
a thousand years ago, this field
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288. was interesting,
because it was here
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289. that Harold and William's
armies met.
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290. There have been many battles
in Britain's history,
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291. but we don't know what
happened in most of them.
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292. The Battle of Hastings is different.
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293. We've got an accurate visual record
of the whole thing thanks to
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294. a quick-thinking bystander,
who took a tapestry of it.
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295. Despite looking like a
Game of Thrones season finale
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296. drawn by an eight-year-old boy,
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297. the Baywatch Tapestry captures
the full force of the battle.
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298. It's just like being there,
but in wool.
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299. Here's the Norman archers
steaming in on their blue horses.
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300. Here's a sort of stick fight bit.
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301. Some chopped up people down here.
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302. His head's off,
he'll be furious about that.
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303. Some goose monsters in the
sky looking down.
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304. A sort of lion thing up here
eating its own tail.
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305. Is that its bumhole?
I think that's its bumhole.
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306. As you can see, Harold won
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307. when he triumphantly caught
an arrow in his eye.
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308. Sadly, it wasn't enough,
and he died soon after.
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309. No-one knows why.
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310. This meant that the Normans
were victorious.
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311. At last, William the Conqueror's
name made sense.
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312. William winning was like
Brexit backwards.
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313. Britain was suddenly part of Europe.
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314. And that meant everything
had to change.
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315. There were new castles,
new cathedrals,
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316. even the Tower of London,
and amazingly all built by one man,
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317. Norman Architecture.
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318. The new king wanted
a list of everybody in the country,
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319. where they lived,
and what stuff they had.
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320. It became known as the
Domesday Book
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321. and was very much
the internet of its day.
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322. So is this the actual Domesday Book?
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323. This is the actual Domesday
Book, yes.
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324. And it's usually under glass,
isn't it, this book?
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325. Well, usually it's not
accessible at all.
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326. So, it's very rarely on display
so this is really quite a special
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327. occasion, that we've got it out,
for you to be able to see it today.
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328. So you're not allowed to touch it.
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329. No. I thought that was
because of the curse.
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330. The curse? Yeah. I heard that there
was a curse on it.
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331. I've definitely not heard that
so I, I don't think there's a curse.
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332. I thought it was going to be like,
you know, Raiders of the Lost Ark?
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333. Mm-hm. Where that Nazi
gets his face melted off.
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334. Yeah, yeah. I thought it was going
to be like that.
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335. I'm afraid not. Oh.
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336. So how does the Domesday Book
compare to a book like
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337. The Runaway by Martina Cole?
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338. Well, I've not read The Runaway
by Martina Cole, but I think...
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339. It's really good. OK...
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340. I think that's a work of fiction
so it's a made-up story,
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341. whereas Domesday is recording
the land and land holding
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342. in England before
the Norman conquest
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343. and after the Norman conquest.
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344. It kind of lists who holds land,
and what's within that land
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345. and how much it's worth.
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346. And it does that in a lot of detail.
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347. So Roger holds a land here called,
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348. it's just called Mildehope.
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349. It's probably going to have
a different name now.
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350. So how can we free the people
living in this book?
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351. Well, they don't live in the book.
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352. But their souls are inside the book.
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353. I don't think that's
necessarily true.
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354. I think this records
information about them.
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355. But it's not...
they're not in there.
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356. It's just, you know,
it's just a record about them.
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357. It doesn't sort of contain
their being, or anything like that.
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358. We don't need to worry about them.
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359. Are you sure? I'm sure.
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360. The book gives us a unique insight
into what life would have
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361. been like in the Middle Ages.
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362. In the middle-evil times,
if you were lucky enough to be
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363. a King or a knight or a lady with
a pointy hat with all nets on it,
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364. you might have lived
somewhere like this.
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365. A castle.
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366. Castles were originally built by
kings to protect their land
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367. and to sit in -
whereas, today, they're mainly used
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368. as extortionate wedding venues.
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369. Of course, not everyone was a king.
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370. Everyone else was peasants.
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371. Peasants lived in thatched wooden
huts full of chicken shit.
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372. The water was filthy,
so everyone drank beer,
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373. and the only thing to eat was bread.
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374. It was a particularly challenging
time for the gluten-intolerant.
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375. But, luckily, nobody was yet middle
class, so they just put up with it.
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376. But life for the common man
was about to get better
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377. thanks to the Magna Carta,
a sort of terms
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378. and conditions notice King John had
to sign against his will,
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379. which limited his powers
and gave citizens basic rights.
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380. The Magna Carta kick-started the
whole of British political history,
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381. a history so complex even experts
can no longer keep track of it.
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382. What's the most political thing
that's ever happened in Britain?
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383. Erm...
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384. I'm not sure. I mean, I think...
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385. Gosh, that's...
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386. that's, that's a a tricky question
in the sense that
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387. there are definitely degrees of...
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388. Oh, gosh.
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389. What's the most political...?
So, I, I...
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390. There are lots of things
that are straightforwardly political
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391. and then there are other
things that are not.
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392. That are sort of halfway, I guess,
but, erm, I can't...
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393. I genuinely can't identify
the most political.
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394. Second-most?
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395. Meanwhile, back in history,
by the Middle Ages, middle-evil
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396. England was such a big deal,
it was even happening in Scotland.
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397. The Scots have always been a
proud, confident nation,
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398. ready to complain if they think
they've not been given their own
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399. little section in a landmark
history programme.
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400. But in 1296,
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401. Scotland was reluctantly under the
rule of English Edward I.
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402. One man wanted out, Walliam Willis.
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403. No-one knew what Walliam Willis
looked like until 1995
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404. when Hollywood scientists discovered
he looked exactly like Mel Gibson
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405. who was, coincidentally, playing
a Scottish Apache in a film called
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406. Braveheart, a sort of Scottish
reboot of Dancing With Wolves.
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407. That they may take our lives, but
they'll never take our freedom!
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408. Sensitively informing modern
audiences about a story little-known
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409. outside Scotland, the film
emotively and expertly
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410. depicted Walliam as he gathered a
band of noble warriors
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411. and defeated the English army
at Stirling Bridge,
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412. using facepaint and
extreme whittling.
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413. To this day, the words
"Stirling Bridge"
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414. conjure pride in every
Scotman's heart.
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415. While to an Englishman,
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416. those same words conjure up
literally no feelings at all.
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417. But his glory days weren't to
last and Willis and his men
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418. were defeated by the English
at Falkirk.
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419. With Willis gone, a posh Scotsman
called Roberty Bruce
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420. thrashed the English at the Battle
of Bannockburn, and took the throne.
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421. Scotland would never again be under
English control, for a bit.
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422. Willis meanwhile was eventually
captured by the English
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423. and taken to London, where he was
publicly hung, drawn and quartered.
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424. This means he was hung by his neck,
then while he was still alive,
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425. his guts were chopped out,
and his body cut into four quarters.
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426. Something you can ask your local
butcher to do to a chicken.
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427. Once it'd stopped screaming,
Willis's severed head
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428. was placed atop a pike
on London Bridge,
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429. like a sort of gory Scottish Pez.
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430. Willis' execution kicked off a
golden age of public entertainment.
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431. As well as watching people die
painfully, popular past-times
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432. included bear baiting,
shin-kicking and cockfighting,
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433. which isn't what it sounds like,
even though I checked twice.
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434. But British culture wasn't just
being cruel to animals.
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435. It was also bum jokes.
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436. And the William Shakespeare of bum
jokes was Geoffrey Chaucer.
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437. His greatest work was
The Canterbury Tales,
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438. which everyone has pretended
to have a read at least some of.
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439. His stories feature lots of bawdy
shenanigans, a literary phrase
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440. which means knockers popping out,
or things unexpectedly
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441. going up your arse accompanied
by a sort of swannee whistle noise.
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442. Chaucer's meant to be quite rude,
isn't he?
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443. Could you describe
a rude bit for me?
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444. So, there's a very famous scene
where, um, there's a woman,
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445. a very pretty woman called Alison,
who everyone fancies.
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446. And she is in her bedroom
with one lover,
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447. and then another would-be lover
arrives at the window
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448. to serenade her
and begs her for a kiss.
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449. And she sticks her arse
out of the window, her naked arse,
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450. and he kisses that
very enthusiastically
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451. and then suddenly realises
what he's done.
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452. And he's quite upset and runs away.
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453. Right, that's not very rude, is it?
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454. Like, my mate, Paul,
told me this joke
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455. about this bloke in prison, who wore
a bib round his backside.
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456. And that story went places
I wasn't prepared for.
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457. Like, not even funny,
just disturbing.
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458. And when I looked up,
Paul was crying.
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459. But it wasn't all chuckles
in the Middle Ages.
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460. In 1348, Britain was invaded again.
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461. But this time by a plague.
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462. Not a metaphorical plague
like a metaphorical plague.
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463. But an actual plague,
made of plague.
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464. The Black Death symptoms
were disgusting.
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465. Discoloured buboes grew
in the groin and armpits,
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466. making even a light workout
next to impossible.
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467. If you had sex with someone who had
the Black Death, would you
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468. have to use a condom for protection?
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469. It depends what your major
concerns were.
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470. Um. But you wouldn't be protecting
yourself against infection.
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471. How long would you get off work
if you got the Black Death?
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472. Um, in about 70% of
cases you'd be off work forever.
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473. Oh, right. Result.
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474. Because you'd be dead. Oh.
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475. Roughly half the population died,
which statistically meant that
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476. if you wanted to save your loved
ones, you'd have to die yourself.
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477. The Middle Ages
started like fancy dress party
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478. and ended like Halloween.
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479. But once it had
got its strength back,
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480. and grown some more people,
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481. England descended into 30 glorious
years of violent conflict
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482. between rival royal houses -
the War of the Roses,
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483. which sounds like a sitcom
about florists, but,
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484. perhaps surprisingly, wasn't.
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485. This was an incredibly complex
period of history,
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486. which is frustrating because we've
got to get it out of the way in this
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487. episode, and we spent too long
talking about Mel Gibson earlier.
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488. The War of the Roses is
a complicated struggle,
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489. but could you sum it up
for my viewers in,
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490. like, three words?
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491. Uh, conspiracy, dynasty, war.
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492. Could you do it a bit more
thoroughly than that?
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493. I'll give you ten seconds.
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494. Start.
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495. Uh, it's a struggle to control
England and the crown.
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496. You've got a few more seconds.
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497. Between warring and...
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498. Stop.
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499. Perhaps the most violent
event of the War of the Roses
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500. was the Battle of Bosworth,
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501. which Richard III tried to escape
by burrowing under a car park.
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502. He hid down here for centuries
before finally emerging in 2013,
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503. by which point the war was over,
and he'd died of tarmac inhalation.
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504. Richard III may have died,
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505. but he gave birth to a series
of celebrity kings and queens.
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506. The Tudors, very much
the Kardashians of British history.
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507. But that's a story that'll have
to wait for now.
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508. Join me next time
when I go back in time again.
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509. Not in an exciting
way like in a film,
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510. I'm probably just looking at some
old pots, or something.
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511. How can we be sure Henry of Eight
is who we think he was?
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512. What if he was someone else just
pretending to be himself,
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513. who happened to look like whoever
he actually was? Uh, well...
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