Creature Commandos 1x1

Directed by Matt Peters

Jake Tapper as Reporter (voice) • Julian Kostov as Alexi / Knight (voice) • Nickolai Stoilov as Cabbie / Server (voice) • Tony Cavalero as Incel Son (voice) • Maria Bakalova as Princess Ilana / Old Woman (voice)

Amanda Waller assembles the Creature Commandos -- led by General Rick Flag Sr. -- and sends them to Pokolistan to protect Princess Ilana Rostovic.

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1. The battalion, calling themselves

2. the Sons of Themyscira,

3. violently crossed the border into Pokolistan.

4. The Sons are said to be working at the behest

5. of the rogue Amazonian and reputed sorceress, Circe.

6. Circe claims to be the rightful heir to the throne

7. of the perhaps mythical, perhaps real,

8. all-female island nation of Themyscira.

9. Inside sources claim Circe has promised the Sons

10. that once the downfall of Pokolistan is achieved,

11. she will lead them to conquer Themyscira.

12. I mean, seriously, Themyscira is the sickest place ever.

13. And then you tell me,

14. "Oh, dude, only women can live there"?

15. What? They're so sexist, bro.

16. Word is they have the most incredible waterfalls.

17. I have this question

18. for all the woke feminists out there,

19. why do only girls get such cool waterfalls?

20. All over the world,

21. our rights as men are being denigrated.

22. What a bunch of clowns.

23. Dangerous clowns.

24. Pokolistan is a friend of the US.

25. Countries don't have friends

26. After your decades in the military, General Flag,

27. I think you'd understand that true friendship

28. is built on petroleum deposits.

29. Especially unmined ones in a backward-ass country

30. that's never taken advantage of their natural resources.

31. Princess Ilana Rostovic,

32. the heir apparent to Pokolistan,

33. is already negotiating with the US for that oil.

34. And if she's overthrown

35. by some nutjob in a witch's hat,

36. all bets are off.

37. We need to help Rostovic.

38. I thought Congress put a stop to all Task Force X activities

39. since your daughter outed you.

40. Technically, Congress said

41. A.R.G.U.S. can't use incarcerated human beings

42. as mission operatives any longer.

43. But what about beings that aren't human?

44. Huh?

45. What in the holy hell?

46. This is the Belle Reve

47. Non-Human Internment Division.

48. For over 50 years,

49. only those at the uppermost levels

50. of security clearance are aware of its existence.

51. By using these prisoners,

52. I think we can arguably circumvent

53. our new restrictions.

54. Arguably? How?

55. Congress said we can't use human prisoners.

56. These assholes aren't human.

57. She's not human?

58. Is a corpse human?

59. - Who is she? - We don't know.

60. We call her The Bride.

61. Who's Jason and the Argonauts?

62. A sociopath

63. who calls himself Dr. Phosphorus.

64. He has irradiated skin he can use

65. to burn through people and objects.

66. Well, how does that radiation affect the people around him?

67. If you don't sleep in the same room with him,

68. the effects should be minimal.

69. - Minimal? - Consider it a free vasectomy.

70. What is that thing?

71. The Weasel.

72. It's one of the few soldiers still alive

73. from Project Starfish in Corto Maltese.

74. So we know it has what it takes to survive.

75. Sorry.

76. I didn't mean to intimate anything

77. about your son, Flag.

78. When he died in Corto Maltese, he died a hero.

79. That one looks like a discontinued dishwasher.

80. That dishwasher killed over 300 Nazis

81. in World War II.

82. I would have dismantled it,

83. but I thought it might come in use someday.

84. It's known as G.I. Robot.

85. Last one is Nina Mazursky.

86. What use is she walking around in a fishbowl?

87. Get her in water it's a different story.

88. She's the smartest

89. and most reasonable of the bunch.

90. She might be able to help you keep the rest of them in line.

91. This is your new task force, Flag.

92. Let's call it Task Force M.

93. M for monster.

94. Also known as...

95. There's an Osprey waiting

96. to take you directly to the castle

97. to protect Princess Rostovic from Circe and her forces.

98. I know you all aren't exactly enthusiastic

99. about this mission.

100. But—

101. General, I believe you've read us wrong.

102. We're delighted to be here

103. and delighted to serve our country.

104. Okay. Uh, great.

105. - Are you smiling? - Yes.

106. - Sarcastically? - Mmm-hmm.

107. G.I. Robot is detecting unease.

108. Could he be, G.I. Robot asks,

109. in fear of being discovered as Nazi scum?

110. No. Put your arm... Your gun down.

111. He's not a Nazi.

112. Child killer, though. Not a great look.

113. Supposedly, he had a bad experience

114. the last trip he took on this Osprey, that's all.

115. Are we in goddamn Pokolistan?

116. You've been here before?

117. Fucking hell.

118. Looks like the Princess has imported security.

119. Calm down. We'll be there soon.

120. Oh, my God, is he pissing?

121. He's pissing!

122. You son of a bitch!

123. Gah! It's on my leg!

124. Look at the satisfied look on his face.

125. No one thought to take him out for a walk

126. after a long trip?

127. You better not be looking at me right now.

128. Looks like the gene pool was above ground

129. and inflatable, if you know what I mean.

130. Yeah.

131. I wonder what this princess is going to look like...

132. Oh.

133. Richard Bill Flag, Sr.

134. So wonderful to be meeting you.

135. Yes, you too.

136. - Your middle name is Bill? - Yes.

137. - Not, like, William? - No.

138. - Whose middle name is Bill? - Mine! Okay?

139. Princess Rostovic,

140. it's an honor.

141. This is not the kind of bow

142. we do in Pokolistan, Mr. Richard Flag.

143. So, unfortunately,

144. - we have to kill you. - What?

145. - Alexi. - I am sorry.

146. We must only do sacred, customary bow in this castle.

147. Everyone, murder this man.

148. What? Hold on a minute.

149. No one briefed me on what kind of bow...

150. Alexi.

151. They're... How do you say it?

152. Messing on you?

153. I am making joke!

154. For a minute, I think

155. you're going to make mess in your pants, huh?

156. I was never gonna—

157. Very close to messing his plans.

158. I wasn't even in the vicinity of doing that.

159. We are so much like Americans, yes?

160. Ooh, we pull pranks like Jamie Kennedy Experiment.

161. We do the Super Bowl shovel!

162. We like to say "Wazzup?"

163. Well, you're certainly current

164. with your popular cultural references.

165. - Thank you. - You're welcome.

166. Sarcastic smile.

167. Now, I have question for you, Skeleton.

168. Where's the beef?

169. Clara Peller, one of the greats—

170. Enough, Alexi.

171. We've prepared a banquet for you,

172. our honored guests.

173. They've been living on prison grub

174. for quite some time.

175. Forgive their manners, Your Highness.

176. Just Ilana's fine.

177. We don't stand on ceremony here.

178. Oh, okay.

179. Then... Sure.

180. You've sampled this prison grub?

181. Just seeing it is enough

182. to give me the collywobbles, Your High—

183. Ilana.

184. Their manners do not bother me.

185. I love seeing friends enjoying themselves.

186. That is the Queen.

187. Poor, sweet mother.

188. She has not been self for some long time now.

189. Yes, Mother. Of course.

190. She says she's pleased you're here.

191. Oh.

192. You see why I'm taking care of Pokolistan's affairs?

193. Even though it won't quite be official until...

194. You know.

195. You're welcome, Mother.

196. I love you, too.

197. - G.I. Robot? - Yes, Miss Nina.

198. Would you like anything? Diesel?

199. Some diesel fuel, please, for our robot friend.

200. Yes, madam. Right away, madam.

201. Mmm. It is a beautiful evening, isn't it?

202. I do not enjoy landscapes devoid of dead Nazis,

203. - Miss Nina. - Oh.

204. Can Miss Nina and G.I. Robot be killing Nazis soon?

205. Miss Waller promised it would be soon.

206. It's been oh so long since G.I. Robot

207. has sent Nazis back to hell where they belong.

208. I think you will be, soon.

209. G.I. Robot would like to kill Nazis with you.

210. Would you like to kill Nazis with G.I. Robot?

211. If I killed Nazis with anyone, it would certainly be you,

212. G.I. Robot.

213. Oh, my.

214. G.I. Robot has been waiting

215. for a friend to kill Nazis with

216. for 74 years, 23 days and 52 minutes.

217. I hope we aren't too much of an intrusion.

218. Our only goal here is to keep you safe, Ilana.

219. I'm happy to have the company.

220. Even that one?

221. Why was he in prison?

222. Uh, supposedly murdered

223. - twenty-seven children. - Oh.

224. He hasn't shown

225. any violent tendencies since then,

226. so I wouldn't fret.

227. I also wouldn't invite the school choir

228. to the castle while he's here.

229. Oh, no, I like American music.

230. Rock and roll!

231. But, yes, I am happy for the company,

232. especially the company of Americans.

233. My country is a charming one, but it is backwards,

234. always rejecting progress as corrupt.

235. It is my most cherished dream

236. to lead my people into the 21st century.

237. Well, I've been there.

238. I'm not sure I'd recommend it.

239. Are you married, Richard Flag?

240. No. No.

241. I was once, but my wife ended up being

242. my least favorite aspect of that 21st century

243. you're all gung ho about.

244. I will avoid that part of the 21st century then.

245. Well, sometimes,

246. missteps lead you where you need to be.

247. She and I had a son when we were just 18.

248. Fine young man.

249. I joined the military mostly just to make money

250. so I could support him.

251. Eighteen years later, he joined the military

252. because he loved our country

253. and he wanted to make it a better place.

254. Yeah. Boy was an improvement on me in every way.

255. Was?

256. He passed on about two years back.

257. Oh.

258. I'm sorry.

259. I would have liked to introduce

260. the two of you.

261. I have a feeling you would have gotten on like a house on fire.

262. A house on fire does not seem good.

263. No, it's...

264. It's supposed to be a good thing.

265. I'm sure your son was a fine man,

266. but I'm much more fond of older men.

267. I'd like to show you something.

268. This armoire is beautiful, no?

269. Um, sure.

270. It is over 500 years old.

271. What is it you wanted to show me, Ilana?

272. Just this wonderful armoire.

273. That's not an armoire.

274. - Listen, Ilana... - Yes?

275. I just... I don't think this is exactly ethical.

276. I'm here to protect you.

277. To protect me from loneliness?

278. No, I...

279. From lack of passion?

280. No, I...

281. From Pokolistani men who have never seen the world,

282. have no clue how to treat a woman,

283. and who can't see me as a human being I am

284. behind the veil of royalty?

285. Closer, but still no.

286. Look, I think we need to get some shut-eye

287. so we can put a cogent plan in place in the morning.

288. I'll leave G.I. Robot to guard the door.

289. Richard.

290. In June 1944...

291. 38 dead Nazis.

292. In September of 1944,

293. I fought at the Battle of Huertgen Forest.

294. A whopping 92 dead Nazis.

295. In October of 1944, at the Battle of Aachen,

296. I ended the lives of 14 Nazis...

297. Bride?

298. - Bride. - How did you get down here?

299. I walked down the stairs.

300. No one tried to stop you?

301. We're here to protect them.

302. Why would they stop me?

303. Hey, you can't leave.

304. Why not?

305. Well, Flag will use the remote to shock you,

306. and then we all get shocked.

307. Seems like a flaw in the system to me

308. to get shocked even when I didn't do anything wrong.

309. That was the worst feeling ever.

310. Grow a pair, Fish.

311. A pair of what? Wait, where are you going?

312. - Open the door. - Oh, my God.

313. I do not have you in the schedule.

314. He doesn't have us in the schedule.

315. I don't need a schedule, Sir, Douche A Lot.

316. I'm not your prisoner, so open the freaking door.

317. Bride, please, come on, stay.

318. Oh, darn it!

319. Do you have any money?

320. - Pardon? - Money.

321. Cough up some cash.

322. I don't have any freaking rubles on me.

323. How am I supposed to get around?

324. Our money is not called ruble.

325. Yeah, I know. It was meant to be insulting.

326. Just give me some cash.

327. Hey!

328. Thank you. She means to say thank you.

329. No, I don't mean anything of the sort!

330. You asked him for money, and he just gave it to you.

331. - That's right. - It was rude.

332. Yeah, that's right.

333. We shouldn't leave.

334. Look, no one is forcing you to come.

335. Frankenstein.

336. Never mind what's on her head.

337. Just go to the address I told you

338. Ah-ha.

339. Uh...

340. Hey.

341. Oh! Fuck me!

342. Huh.

343. - No, please, no! - Richard?

344. Phosphorus, you idiot!

345. You think Waller would give me the only remote?

346. You'd be hopping around

347. like a Mexican jumping bean for days, if you escaped.

348. Or, If I told her about this...

349. I'm not here to torture you.

350. We're supposed to be on the same damn team.

351. Thank you.

352. What is this place?

353. Where I was born.

354. Yes.

355. My bride.

356. After all these years,

357. I've found you.