1. Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...Copy !req
2. I've had the best time hanging
out with the both of you.Copy !req
3. I think it's official
that we're a squad.Copy !req
4. - Totally.
- When we stickCopy !req
5. together, I'm pretty convinced
there's nothing we can't do.Copy !req
6. I love you guys. I really do.Copy !req
7. You can talk to me, D-Money.Copy !req
8. It's about me and White Josh,Copy !req
9. and you're so obsessed with us, and...Copy !req
10. O... M... G... What?Copy !req
11. You guys are my #goals.Copy !req
12. I literally cannot with you guys.Copy !req
13. You give me all the feels.Copy !req
14. What are you doing here?Copy !req
15. Heather texted me, and
she asked me to come.Copy !req
16. - I wanted to see my friend.
- Friends?Copy !req
17. - I thought you didn't want to be.
- I thought you didn't want to be.Copy !req
18. - Do you think I'm a bad mom?
- You're not the most attentive parent.Copy !req
19. Brendan's my weed guy.Copy !req
20. I thought you guys were justCopy !req
21. dead weight slowing down the minivan.Copy !req
22. But I was wrong.Copy !req
23. Don't look. I'm behind you.Copy !req
24. — Synced and corrected by ChrisKe —
— www.addic7ed.com —Copy !req
25. Okay, behold, my
newest stroke of genius,Copy !req
26. the reason I assembled you all hereCopy !req
27. for this #GirlGroupHangout.Copy !req
28. Pretzel pairings with wine!Copy !req
29. Ooh!Copy !req
30. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Oh!Copy !req
31. Okay, so we have a Parmesan and Pinot.Copy !req
32. - Ooh!
- Ooh!Copy !req
33. A Roquefort and Riesling.Copy !req
34. - Oh, wait. No, that's for you.
That's for you. - Uh-huh.Copy !req
35. And my personal favorite...Copy !req
36. Manchego and Merlot.Copy !req
37. Ooh.Copy !req
38. Oh, look at you, Miss Entrepreneur.Copy !req
39. You are glowing.Copy !req
40. Yeah, I'm really happy lately.Copy !req
41. I really love this job,Copy !req
42. and Dr. Akopian says I'm doing well,Copy !req
43. and volunteering at
the jail is going great.Copy !req
44. I just feel really grounded
and centered, you know?Copy !req
45. Ladies, ladies, ladies, no, no, no, no.Copy !req
46. It's sip and nibble, sip and nibble.Copy !req
47. What's that look for?Copy !req
48. Oh, Heather, are you getting divorced?Copy !req
49. Oof, I'm sorry. We all saw it coming.Copy !req
50. What? No.Copy !req
51. You did? No.Copy !req
52. Um, I have news.Copy !req
53. Is it that you're
getting us a new vibrator?Copy !req
54. 'Cause the old one's on its last legs.Copy !req
55. You don't still use my vibrator.Copy !req
56. - No, I do not.
- Uh, I'm just gonna say it.Copy !req
57. So, um, Hector and I bought
a condo in El Segundo.Copy !req
58. So, we're moving.Copy !req
59. - Oh.
- Yeah.Copy !req
60. He got this great job at
a surf camp down there,Copy !req
61. and I've always wanted to
live at the beach, so...Copy !req
62. Wow.Copy !req
63. Wow, wow, wow. This is really
big and an adult step.Copy !req
64. I mean, you're married. Now
you're buying real estate.Copy !req
65. It's huge. Right, Paula?Copy !req
66. That's kind of crazy, right, Valencia?Copy !req
67. I'm moving to New York.Copy !req
68. Yeah, okay. That's funny.Copy !req
69. Beth and I got an offer to workCopy !req
70. at a huge party planning company.Copy !req
71. We rented a tiny apartment
the size of my current closet,Copy !req
72. but it's the Big Apple.Copy !req
73. Big Apple, small apartment.Copy !req
74. Wait, both of you are moving?Copy !req
75. At the same time?Copy !req
76. Okay. Wow. Um,Copy !req
77. I, uh... I don't know what to say.Copy !req
78. Wow. You guys have a
lot of stuff figured out.Copy !req
79. Valencia and HeatherCopy !req
80. and Pa... I mean, Paula,
let's not forget you.Copy !req
81. You're about to
graduate from law school.Copy !req
82. It's amazing for all of you.Copy !req
83. Mazel, mazel! Mazel to all!Copy !req
84. We've been trying to decide
how to break it to you,Copy !req
85. but, really, it's not such
a big deal. I mean, No.Copy !req
86. Heather's basically
just moving across town.Copy !req
87. Yeah. I'm still gonna be
working for Home Base.Copy !req
88. - Mm-hmm.
- The El Segundo Home BaseCopy !req
89. was already one of my Home Bases.Copy !req
90. Now it'll just be my
home base Home Base,Copy !req
91. and the West Covina Home
Base will be my second base.Copy !req
92. Or Segundo base.Copy !req
93. Segundo base.Copy !req
94. Yeah, we can all text
and talk on the phoneCopy !req
95. and FaceTime.Copy !req
96. Plus, I'm coming home for the holidays.Copy !req
97. I already booked my ticket.Copy !req
98. Oh, my God.Copy !req
99. Okay, Cookie, I can
see this is difficult for you.Copy !req
100. Scott and I lived in
three other crappy suburbsCopy !req
101. before we lived in this crappy suburb.Copy !req
102. And... I've said good-bye
to a lot of people.Copy !req
103. And... you get used to it.Copy !req
104. You say hello, you say good-bye,Copy !req
105. and you just try to treasure
the moments in between.Copy !req
106. Yeah. Yes, you're right.Copy !req
107. That's what I'm doing
right now. I am treasuringCopy !req
108. and savoring. I mean, you know,Copy !req
109. it's a little hard for me.Copy !req
110. It kind of feels like I'm...Copy !req
111. losing two friends at once.Copy !req
112. But I will beCopy !req
113. cheering you all on
very sincerely from...Copy !req
114. my small, unprofitable pretzel store,Copy !req
115. with my no boyfriend, having not had sexCopy !req
116. since before the slammer,
because... oh, right...Copy !req
117. I was also in jail.Copy !req
118. You should've seen the lookCopy !req
119. on Rebecca's face. I
felt so bad for her.Copy !req
120. It was like when you
dropped your cotton candy in the pottyCopy !req
121. and you were so sad.Copy !req
122. Right. But then I-I picked
it back up and I ate it.Copy !req
123. Um, speaking of big news,Copy !req
124. I have some.Copy !req
125. You gonna stop calling Tommy
"General Buttface Jackson"?Copy !req
126. Uh, he loves that. No.Copy !req
127. You are finally going to...Copy !req
128. You ever heard of, uh, Peeps for Peace?Copy !req
129. Sure. Yeah, they're-they're
kind of like the Peace Corps.Copy !req
130. What about 'em? Did you...Copy !req
131. read an article about 'em or something?Copy !req
132. No, no, no. I-I applied and got in.Copy !req
133. I'm just waiting on my assignment.Copy !req
134. I'm excited to see where I get to go.Copy !req
135. Might be pretty far.Copy !req
136. What, like... Denver?Copy !req
137. No, no, like, uh...Copy !req
138. like South America or Africa.Copy !req
139. I just, you know,
thought we were in a phaseCopy !req
140. of telling each other stuff...Copy !req
141. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah. I know. I just...Copy !req
142. I thought... I thought
you might be upset, so...Copy !req
143. Why would I be upset?Copy !req
144. Be-Because we just kind of got close,Copy !req
145. and now I'm-I'm leaving.Copy !req
146. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!Copy !req
147. No. I'm happy for you.Copy !req
148. I'm happy for me.Copy !req
149. - Yeah?
- Yeah!Copy !req
150. I've got a kid who's-who's
gonna go super far awayCopy !req
151. and make a big-ass
difference on this planetCopy !req
152. for... how long?Copy !req
153. Uh, anywhere between five and ten years.Copy !req
154. Good.Copy !req
155. Good.Copy !req
156. Good.Copy !req
157. By the way,Copy !req
158. don't tell your dad about this pie,Copy !req
159. because he is an emotional eater.Copy !req
160. - I can see you're upset.
- I'm not upset. Not at all.Copy !req
161. I am proud. This is... this is...Copy !req
162. this is an achievement.Copy !req
163. I mean, any mother
would be proud. Right.Copy !req
164. Like I... like I always say,Copy !req
165. you say hello,Copy !req
166. you say good-bye,Copy !req
167. and you just try to...Copy !req
168. treasure the m...Copy !req
169. Just...Copy !req
170. I can't go back from paternity
leave until I binge this show.Copy !req
171. Everyone has seen
it, and they've already saidCopy !req
172. they're gonna spoil everything for me.Copy !req
173. Hector loves this show.Copy !req
174. What is it about again?Copy !req
175. It's a British cop thingCopy !req
176. - with a child murder
in a fishing village. - Ooh.Copy !req
177. - Okay. Yeah.
- And it starsCopy !req
178. that Swedish actress
and that Scottish guy.Copy !req
179. - Okay.
- And some episodes are two hoursCopy !req
180. - and some are 30 minutes.
- Wow. All right. Sounds good.Copy !req
181. Let's binge it up.Copy !req
182. All righty.Copy !req
183. Hey, it's not weird we
spend so much time together,Copy !req
184. - is it?
- No. Besides,Copy !req
185. that murder's not gonna solve itself.Copy !req
186. You do realize we don't
solve the murder, right?Copy !req
187. Oh, come on. Have some fun.Copy !req
188. I don't know what's wrong with me.Copy !req
189. It's a normal reaction.Copy !req
190. Your roommate's moving out,
your friend's moving away.Copy !req
191. Of course you're feeling low and sad.Copy !req
192. No, it's not that.Copy !req
193. - Can I tell you something?
- Okay.Copy !req
194. - What I'm about to say is-is horrible.
- It's all right.Copy !req
195. I see life as a contest,
and I'm now losing.Copy !req
196. What? R-Rebecca, I-I didn't hear you.Copy !req
197. I feel less thanCopy !req
198. when others are doing better than me.Copy !req
199. Okay. I'll come sit next to you.Copy !req
200. Okay.Copy !req
201. I want to cryogenically freezeCopy !req
202. all my friends to buy me some timeCopy !req
203. to find a better career
and a life partner.Copy !req
204. And then, when I'm
ready, I'll wake them up,Copy !req
205. and I'll throw a party for
all of our mutual milestones.Copy !req
206. That is so messed up.Copy !req
207. Aw! I'm kidding.Copy !req
208. Feeling competitive
is just human nature.Copy !req
209. It's normal.Copy !req
210. - Is it?
- Yes.Copy !req
211. And it makes sense that youCopy !req
212. would feel... behind.Copy !req
213. You are, in a sense, a little behind.Copy !req
214. Um, wait, what?Copy !req
215. You have overcomeCopy !req
216. challenges other people haven't faced,Copy !req
217. and you have wisely taken
the time to do the hard work.Copy !req
218. It makes sense that some of your friendsCopy !req
219. might hit some early adult
milestones before you.Copy !req
220. Oh.Copy !req
221. No, it's funny, 'cause
I was saying I was behindCopy !req
222. so you would say, "No,
no, no, you're not behind."Copy !req
223. But you said that I am.
It's fine. No, it's just...Copy !req
224. It's slightly jarring
when a medical professionalCopy !req
225. confirms your worst fears,
but that makes sense.Copy !req
226. My friends are, in some senses...Copy !req
227. at a more advanced stage in their lives.Copy !req
228. Exactly.Copy !req
229. So...Copy !req
230. maybe what I need to doCopy !req
231. is hang out with some different peopleCopy !req
232. - who are more where I'm at.
- Rebecca,Copy !req
233. I am not suggesting that
you replace your friends.Copy !req
234. No, no, no, no. I wouldn't
do that. I mean, that's...Copy !req
235. I'm not saying that I would do
that. That's not what I'm doing.Copy !req
236. I'm just adding to my friend groupCopy !req
237. with people who don't scare me.Copy !req
238. So...Copy !req
239. Maya, AJ, I've brought you both hereCopy !req
240. to ask you a very important question.Copy !req
241. Have either of you
considered owning a condo?Copy !req
242. Oh...Copy !req
243. What's going on in
here? What are you doing?Copy !req
244. Brendan doesn't sell drugs anymore.Copy !req
245. Which is kind of a bummer,
'cause he was my weed guy.Copy !req
246. Scott, we have an emergency.
Our son is going far away.Copy !req
247. - Super far.
- And we're so proud of him.Copy !req
248. Screw proud. I just
started liking that kid.Copy !req
249. I need to find something
to make him stay.Copy !req
250. Oh. Oh.Copy !req
251. A yearbook page.Copy !req
252. I think I may have just
found the mother lode.Copy !req
253. Vanessa Rodriguez.Copy !req
254. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
255. I remember her. He really liked her.Copy !req
256. I remember her, too. I used
to think she was his OTP.Copy !req
257. His over the pants?Copy !req
258. One true pairing. Oh, God.Copy !req
259. This is great. This is
just the ammunition I need.Copy !req
260. Babe, I'm begging you, do
not interfere in his life.Copy !req
261. He's made a good decision
for once. Let him be.Copy !req
262. You're right. I...
I shouldn't interfere.Copy !req
263. I-I learned that
lesson a million times.Copy !req
264. I'm just gonna let himCopy !req
265. fly away and...Copy !req
266. be free.Copy !req
267. Exactly.Copy !req
268. - Glad you understand.
- I do.Copy !req
269. Fly free, my ass.Copy !req
270. Ah, it's nice to be outCopy !req
271. on the first cool day of the year.Copy !req
272. Yep, only 85 degrees.Copy !req
273. It's a very simple question.Copy !req
274. Have you considered owning a condo?Copy !req
275. Oh, no way. I'm not even
sure what a condo is.Copy !req
276. Is that Rebecca?Copy !req
277. Wait. Back it up. Back the car up.Copy !req
278. Hit a lamppost. Call your mother.Copy !req
279. You're getting towed.Copy !req
280. Are Darryl and White
Josh back together? Yay!Copy !req
281. WhiteJoshfeather is my OTP.Copy !req
282. - That means one true pairing.
- No, I know what it isCopy !req
283. 'cause I'm-I'm super young, as well.Copy !req
284. Um, and no, I don't thinkCopy !req
285. they are back together. Huh?Copy !req
286. But let's get back to me.Copy !req
287. Rebecca, hold on.Copy !req
288. Are you telling me that adorable familyCopy !req
289. that I'm about to Pinterest
all over my Life Goals boardCopy !req
290. is not a couple?Copy !req
291. Yeah. They're not back together.Copy !req
292. It's so sad. Look
at them, they're so cute.Copy !req
293. Aw.Copy !req
294. Something like this? This? Like this?Copy !req
295. Darryl says they're just friends,Copy !req
296. but nobody spends
that much time togetherCopy !req
297. if they're not hooking up.Copy !req
298. Just look at those two.Copy !req
299. Just get back together!Copy !req
300. Everyone wants you
back together. Come on!Copy !req
301. - What?
- Yeah! Stop pretendingCopy !req
302. you guys aren't in love!Copy !req
303. - Why is everyone yelling at us?
- I don't know.Copy !req
304. Mm-mm. Not okay.Copy !req
305. - Let's go.
- All right.Copy !req
306. Mm-mm.Copy !req
307. Happy birthday, Connor.Copy !req
308. Oh, boy. They're on the move.Copy !req
309. Why are they coming over
here? Oh, my goodness.Copy !req
310. - I don't know.
- We've all had enough of this.Copy !req
311. Okay, okay. What's going on?Copy !req
312. Come on, you two. Your
relationship is important to us.Copy !req
313. - Just give in, and get in the spirit!
- Yeah.Copy !req
314. Yee-haw!Copy !req
315. Dear God, what's happening?Copy !req
316. It's your wedding day!Copy !req
317. No, but we're broken up.Copy !req
318. Yep!Copy !req
319. You tell 'em, Maya.Copy !req
320. With ya, Timmy.Copy !req
321. You need to get out more, Tim.Copy !req
322. Rebecca, don't you have bigger
problems going on right now?Copy !req
323. Yes, and this is a welcome distraction.Copy !req
324. You just said that. Shh.Copy !req
325. - I'm sorry, what was your name again?
- Who is this guy?Copy !req
326. Whoa.Copy !req
327. - Ooh! Sorry.
- Sorry.Copy !req
328. - I don't know where to go.
- I don't, either.Copy !req
329. Hey, what are you guys doing here?Copy !req
330. We all want you back together, too!Copy !req
331. - Who's this guy?
- I needed a dance partner,Copy !req
332. and I've had a really hard week,
so please, let me have this.Copy !req
333. Big fan. Great to meet you. Big fan.Copy !req
334. Okay.Copy !req
335. Now let's dance.Copy !req
336. Okay, we got the message.Copy !req
337. Go on with your lives.Copy !req
338. Guys... come on.Copy !req
339. Okay, so,Copy !req
340. this is just not about
us at all anymore.Copy !req
341. No.Copy !req
342. So, now they're randomly doing ballet?Copy !req
343. I guess so. It's hard to follow.Copy !req
344. That's not even the correct
dance language for this piece.Copy !req
345. Come on!Copy !req
346. Whoa... !Copy !req
347. Stop it. Now, stop it. Come on.Copy !req
348. Leave these guys alone.Copy !req
349. For the record, it is possible
to be platonically friendsCopy !req
350. with someone you've just broken up with.Copy !req
351. Do you really believe that?Copy !req
352. No, I just wanted to be in the number.Copy !req
353. Oh, wow!Copy !req
354. - Hey, where'd they go?
- Who cares?Copy !req
355. What is wrong with people?Copy !req
356. I mean, why do they care
if we're together or not?Copy !req
357. Yeah, well, that has
nothing to do with us.Copy !req
358. - Yeah.
- We know what we are to each other.Copy !req
359. Yeah, that is their
issue. That is about them.Copy !req
360. Oh.Copy !req
361. Look, Vic dressed up
for Hawaiian shirt day at the gym.Copy !req
362. What a dork.Copy !req
363. I like Vic.Copy !req
364. He's the best trainer
at the gym besides you.Copy !req
365. He doesn't grunt. Always
puts the weights down lightly.Copy !req
366. Always lets me quit.Copy !req
367. I think if he was 20 years
older, he'd be perfect for you.Copy !req
368. Yeah, he might be
perfect for me right now.Copy !req
369. We've been texting a little bit.Copy !req
370. - Yeah? You guys gonna go out?
- Yeah. Yeah, at some pointCopy !req
371. I just got so much going on right now.Copy !req
372. Speaking of which, can I drop
by tonight and do my laundry?Copy !req
373. The, uh, machines at my buildingCopy !req
374. are a little less free than yours.Copy !req
375. Sure. While I'm there,Copy !req
376. maybe we can watch that new seriesCopy !req
377. about toxic waste and cancer.Copy !req
378. Oh, yeah, the one that won Best Comedy.Copy !req
379. Everybody dies. Add to queue.Copy !req
380. - Done.
- Mm.Copy !req
381. So, what do you think
of my wine pairing?Copy !req
382. You know, I'm not that
into blue and Bordeaux,Copy !req
383. but that's just 'cause to
me, blue smells like blarf.Copy !req
384. That's such a funny
young person thing you just did.Copy !req
385. Combining two words to make
a new word. It's so great.Copy !req
386. Hmm? One second.Copy !req
387. Hmm.Copy !req
388. Oh, my roommate Heather
sent out an E-vite.Copy !req
389. Heather and Valencia are havingCopy !req
390. a farewell party at my
house on Saturday night.Copy !req
391. That's funny. I wasn't consulted.Copy !req
392. Mm. They probably thought I'd be upset,Copy !req
393. but you know what? I don't care.Copy !req
394. I don't care. It's fine.Copy !req
395. Hey, it says bring whomever.Copy !req
396. - You guys want to come?
- Saturday?Copy !req
397. That's when I doCopy !req
398. my evening intention
hikes with the friendsCopy !req
399. from my intramural
three-legged race team.Copy !req
400. Maya, you in, girl?Copy !req
401. Girl, okay, normally I got you,Copy !req
402. but I have my ironic
scrapbooking group Saturday.Copy !req
403. Oh. Yeah, this week we're collagingCopy !req
404. with sexist shampoo ads from the '70s.Copy !req
405. - Feminism.
- Yes.Copy !req
406. Why don't you bring all your
friends to my house party?Copy !req
407. Are you sure? It's, like, ten people.Copy !req
408. Mine would be, like, 12.Copy !req
409. Bring whoever you want.Copy !req
410. It is a party.Copy !req
411. My therapist said...Copy !req
412. Just bring-bring your friends.Copy !req
413. The more the merrier.Copy !req
414. - Okay.
- Cool.Copy !req
415. Thank you.Copy !req
416. Thank you so much. Enjoy.Copy !req
417. - Have a nice day.
- Wow.Copy !req
418. These are adorable.Copy !req
419. This pair says "hell"
and "no." That's great.Copy !req
420. Oh, look at these. "Boy" and "bye."Copy !req
421. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
422. Wait, Vanessa Rodriguez? Is that you?Copy !req
423. Yeah. Can I help you?Copy !req
424. I'm Brendan Proctor's mom.Copy !req
425. Oh, hi.Copy !req
426. Hey, listen, do you have a secondCopy !req
427. to talk about your OTP?Copy !req
428. - What are you guys doing?
- Well, again,Copy !req
429. I'm moving, so I'm packing up my stuff.Copy !req
430. I'm picking up some stuff I left hereCopy !req
431. that I'm taking to New York.Copy !req
432. Right, got it. I mean,
that is my skillet, though.Copy !req
433. Okay, it's not a
skillet. It's a stock pot.Copy !req
434. And it has my mother's name on it.Copy !req
435. Okay, point taken. Your
mom puts her name on pots,Copy !req
436. which is what you'll
probably be doing soonCopy !req
437. since you're basically mom age now.Copy !req
438. You and I are the same age.Copy !req
439. Yeah, and I'm younger.Copy !req
440. Rebecca, you're being weird.Copy !req
441. I'm being... I'm sorry,
what did you... ?Copy !req
442. I don't even recognize
that word anymore,Copy !req
443. 'cause the word is not "weird."
It's actually "fizzy" now.Copy !req
444. - I'm sorry, what?
- That's what my young new friends say.Copy !req
445. - What new friends?
- Oh, you wouldn't know them.Copy !req
446. They're these kids Maya and AJ.Copy !req
447. - I know Maya and AJ.
- So do I.Copy !req
448. Okay, well, that's cool.Copy !req
449. So you know how, like, young
and cool and fizzy they are.Copy !req
450. Your new friends are weird?Copy !req
451. Oh, my God. Centenarian.Copy !req
452. Fizzy is a word that
means multiple things.Copy !req
453. It's like "sick" or "bad"Copy !req
454. or "aloha" or "shalom."Copy !req
455. Uh, look, girl, I know this is hard.Copy !req
456. - Yeah, and kind of triggering.
- Okay.Copy !req
457. I... I appreciate
you guys worrying about me,Copy !req
458. but, you know,Copy !req
459. to play armchair
psychiatrist for a second,Copy !req
460. I think you're fixating a
little bit too much on meCopy !req
461. rather than focus on your own sadness.Copy !req
462. You guys are saying good-byeCopy !req
463. to the young and fizzy
parts of your lives...Copy !req
464. Good fizzy, not bad
fizzy... And you're thinking,Copy !req
465. "Okay, now that I'm old and
boring, will life be as fun?"Copy !req
466. And the answer is... likely no.Copy !req
467. But the good news isCopy !req
468. you can live through
your fun friend, Becks,Copy !req
469. and you can follow me
on my Insta or my Finsta,Copy !req
470. if I let you.Copy !req
471. It's a lot of secret pictures
of me doing all of the drugs.Copy !req
472. Anyway, I got to go to
a pop-up candy museumCopy !req
473. and then a hookah bar and then
a party inside a photo booth.Copy !req
474. So got to dip.Copy !req
475. Oh, I'm sorry. "Dip" means "bounce,"
which means "peace out."Copy !req
476. Which means "leave."Copy !req
477. She's being ridiculous. We're not old.Copy !req
478. Not at all.Copy !req
479. Where is my back brace, though?Copy !req
480. 'Cause I have to lift this dish box.Copy !req
481. Oh. Wonder who that is.Copy !req
482. Oh, my God. Hi.Copy !req
483. This is the girl that I boughtCopy !req
484. - earrings from earlier today.
- Hi.Copy !req
485. Oh, thank you so much for
coming by to drop them off.Copy !req
486. - I really appreciate it.
- Of course.Copy !req
487. Hey, no, c-come in, come in. Okay.Copy !req
488. - Vanessa Rodriguez is here.
- Shh.Copy !req
489. - Honey, don't be rude.
- Uh, yes, Paula,Copy !req
490. here are your custom earrings
that say "lawyer" and "bitch."Copy !req
491. Ooh!Copy !req
492. Brendan?Copy !req
493. - Is this your mom?
- Yeah.Copy !req
494. Yeah, yeah, that's, uh,
that's my mom, that's my dad,Copy !req
495. and Th-that's General Buttface Jackson.Copy !req
496. At your service.Copy !req
497. Well, what a funny coincidenceCopy !req
498. that your mom, who
I've never met before,Copy !req
499. bought earrings from my
kiosk today. That's so weird.Copy !req
500. God, V, I-I haven't
seen you in a while.Copy !req
501. You look... you look amazing.Copy !req
502. Well, you look pretty good, yourself.Copy !req
503. Thank you.Copy !req
504. Listen, um, we have a
lot of meat loaf left overCopy !req
505. because Tommy's
weirdly vegetarian now.Copy !req
506. - Will you join us?
- Oh. Well, I don't want to impose.Copy !req
507. No, no, no, you're not imposing.Copy !req
508. No. Get up, buddy.
Tommy, take your plate.Copy !req
509. - Get up. Just find another
chair. Come on. - Okay.Copy !req
510. You're just gonna sit right here.Copy !req
511. Okay. Thank you. Thank you.Copy !req
512. Just sit right next to Brendan.Copy !req
513. - What the hell are you doing?
- Shh!Copy !req
514. Not so loud. The boys will hear you.Copy !req
515. What do you think I'm doing?Copy !req
516. I'm trying to get Vanessa and Brendan
back together so he won't leave.Copy !req
517. Look, I did not offer her moneyCopy !req
518. or blackmail her. I
am just playing Cupid.Copy !req
519. That's nothing.Copy !req
520. Look, I understand this is hard for you.Copy !req
521. This is hard for me, too. Our guy is...Copy !req
522. - He's moving on.
- Shh.Copy !req
523. But we can't be messing with his life.Copy !req
524. If you don't call this off,Copy !req
525. I will. Oh, you are not
calling off anything.Copy !req
526. You don't understand. You're not Mom.Copy !req
527. He grew in my stomach.
His first sentence was, "Wuv you, Mama."Copy !req
528. For the first four years of his life,Copy !req
529. we were stapled together
unless I was at work.Copy !req
530. And then from the ages
of four to 18, I lost himCopy !req
531. to his stupid friends and knivesCopy !req
532. and girls he never told me aboutCopy !req
533. and masturbation and selling pot,Copy !req
534. and now he's back, and he likes me,Copy !req
535. and I wuv him more than ever.Copy !req
536. And I just... I don't want to
lose him yet, Scott. Please.Copy !req
537. - Yeah, but I...
- Scott.Copy !req
538. Please.Copy !req
539. You're up, man.Copy !req
540. Wow.Copy !req
541. Okay, okay, attention,
everybody at the bar?Copy !req
542. Vic here has another dart to throw,Copy !req
543. and he's not afraid to
cause bodily harm, okay?Copy !req
544. Look out.Copy !req
545. This is it. This is the big one.Copy !req
546. Big money, big money...Copy !req
547. Where did that one even go?Copy !req
548. Um... That is unbelievable.Copy !req
549. Okay, buddy.Copy !req
550. Wow, you are bad at that.Copy !req
551. Actually, I just need a
little bit of a warm-up.Copy !req
552. - Hey, I didn't get your RSVeep.
- Hey.Copy !req
553. Are you coming by tomorrow night?Copy !req
554. Oh. Right, going-away
party. Shoot, sorry.Copy !req
555. Yeah. Um, heads-up, actually.Copy !req
556. Uh, Rebecca's kind
of having a tough timeCopy !req
557. with everyone leaving.Copy !req
558. Yeah, that makes sense.Copy !req
559. You guys are both moving. That's hard.Copy !req
560. So true. So brutal.Copy !req
561. - Trutal.
- Trutal.Copy !req
562. You know, I don't know you,Copy !req
563. - but you can also come.
- Oh.Copy !req
564. - Thank you.
- Yeah.Copy !req
565. - Who's Trutal? Who's Rebecca?
- Ah.Copy !req
566. Trutal is no one. Uh, Rebecca
is someone she lives with.Copy !req
567. Heather, actually,
Heather's moving away.Copy !req
568. And, uh, she's married to
a friend of mine, Hector.Copy !req
569. And they have this other friend,Copy !req
570. Valencia, who's also moving away.Copy !req
571. And, uh... Yeah, this is boring, right?Copy !req
572. - This is all people you don't know.
- No, I'm interested.Copy !req
573. It's your life. We're
getting to know each other.Copy !req
574. So tell me about who is leaving.Copy !req
575. Where do I start? Um...Copy !req
576. Hmm.Copy !req
577. Okay.Copy !req
578. Sorry, that took forever.Copy !req
579. - Oh, was it a bad date?
- Uh, mm, no.Copy !req
580. I like him. He just wanted to
know everything about my life.Copy !req
581. So many questions.Copy !req
582. Well, that-that sounds like a
normal first date. A good one.Copy !req
583. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know.Copy !req
584. The whole time I was just
thinking about coming back hereCopy !req
585. and kicking off my shoesCopy !req
586. and hanging out with somebody
who already knew all that stuff.Copy !req
587. Uh, what the hell was that?Copy !req
588. Get out.Copy !req
589. - You have got to get out.
- What are you talking about?Copy !req
590. You're using our
friendship like a cocoon.Copy !req
591. I-It's like that sci-fi
series that we watchedCopy !req
592. where the alien lived in
that waterproof chrysalis.Copy !req
593. - I am not Gemini. You take that back.
- Okay. Mm-mm.Copy !req
594. He destroyed an entire continentCopy !req
595. because he was so afraid
of leaving his warm...Copy !req
596. comfortable cocoon.Copy !req
597. Okay, yeah, I'm hearing
that. I am hearing that now.Copy !req
598. Look, Joshua, I love having you around,Copy !req
599. but people are right.Copy !req
600. We spend an awful lot of time together,Copy !req
601. but we know it's not gonna be
anything more than a friendship.Copy !req
602. I mean, a really great
friendship, but...Copy !req
603. we don't want it to be the thingCopy !req
604. that keeps us from meeting someone new.Copy !req
605. Either one of us.Copy !req
606. What about all our shows?Copy !req
607. Well, I could give you the passwords.Copy !req
608. But... it's the golden
age of television.Copy !req
609. I understand what I'm doing.Copy !req
610. All right.Copy !req
611. Now, Netflix...Copy !req
612. - is "hebbybebbynetflix."
- Hebbybebbynetflix.Copy !req
613. - HBO Go is "hebbybebbyhbo."
- Mm-hmm. Oh, okay.Copy !req
614. Hulu is... Hmm? No, I think I got it.Copy !req
615. Oh, okay. I mean, if
you think you got it.Copy !req
616. I think I got it. Yeah, you established
a pretty clear pattern there.Copy !req
617. It's "hebbybebbyhulu." I
knew you wanted to know.Copy !req
618. This is just so great.Copy !req
619. It has been two days,Copy !req
620. and Vanessa and Brendan have
been out three times already.Copy !req
621. I know, it's been a minuteCopy !req
622. since he went out with
someone that often.Copy !req
623. Yeah. The only bummer is is
if they get really serious,Copy !req
624. what will he doCopy !req
625. about Peeps for Peace?Copy !req
626. Long-distance is so hard.Copy !req
627. Ask The Notebook.Copy !req
628. Oh, hello, lovebirds.Copy !req
629. How was your date?Copy !req
630. Pretty good.Copy !req
631. Really?Copy !req
632. Yeah, she's pregnant.Copy !req
633. Awesome date.Copy !req
634. What? No. You just started...Copy !req
635. You can't... but you
can't know that quickly.Copy !req
636. I know. I ovulated yesterday,Copy !req
637. and I felt the implantation today.Copy !req
638. - What?
- Yeah.Copy !req
639. So, obviously, Peeps for Peace is out.Copy !req
640. I'll have to go back to dealing drugs.Copy !req
641. Now that weed's legal,
guess I'll move on to oxy?Copy !req
642. No, no, no, no. No, no, no.
You were... you were so excitedCopy !req
643. about Peeps for Peace.
And-and it was such a noble decision,Copy !req
644. and-and I was so happy for you.Copy !req
645. And... Oh, my God.Copy !req
646. A spontaneous pregnancy?Copy !req
647. A-a baby?Copy !req
648. Okay.Copy !req
649. You guys got me.Copy !req
650. You got me.Copy !req
651. Who was in on this?Copy !req
652. Right.Copy !req
653. The unprotected sex and
drug storylines were my idea.Copy !req
654. I see.Copy !req
655. He got it from the series
about the teenage death pact.Copy !req
656. Eight episodes. So sad.Copy !req
657. They had to have counselors
come to the middle school.Copy !req
658. Vanessa called me after
you went to see her.Copy !req
659. So I, uh, roped Dad in and ButtfaceCopy !req
660. and hatched a plan.Copy !req
661. You got me.Copy !req
662. Mom, I know you love me.Copy !req
663. I love you, too, but... I got to go.Copy !req
664. I know.Copy !req
665. I was just... trying to buy some time.Copy !req
666. I know.Copy !req
667. I mean, come on, it
was just, like, yesterdayCopy !req
668. that you were an itty-bitty baby.Copy !req
669. And I could hold all of you in one arm.Copy !req
670. Oh, Mom.Copy !req
671. Oh, my God.Copy !req
672. I'm crying again.Copy !req
673. I-I'm good, I'm good. I'm so sorry.Copy !req
674. I just...Copy !req
675. - Oh, God...
- Oh, Mama.Copy !req
676. Don't... No, it's all good.Copy !req
677. Oh. They were all
in on it. Got me so good.Copy !req
678. I guess the olive doesn't
fall far from the tree.Copy !req
679. I don't know. Hey, this
going-away party is top-notch.Copy !req
680. It's classy. I mean, I
gotta talk to Hector's momCopy !req
681. about doing a nice soiree
like this at our place.Copy !req
682. You've got to stop
calling her "Hector's mom."Copy !req
683. You got to move out of her house.Copy !req
684. Enough. Se acabó. Basta.Copy !req
685. Well, you know what you need to do?Copy !req
686. Stop playing this old
people's music. It's fizzy.Copy !req
687. Okay, now I'm freaking out,Copy !req
688. because I thought she made that up.Copy !req
689. No, the kids do say fizzy.Copy !req
690. Rebecca's almost 30. She's not a kid.Copy !req
691. Hey!Copy !req
692. Yo, yo, yo. Where the party at?Copy !req
693. Yeah. Oh, that's my friends.Copy !req
694. I told them to come ironically early.Copy !req
695. - Hey.
- Hey.Copy !req
696. - How's it going?
- Hi. Oh, my God.Copy !req
697. - Welcome. Oh, my God.
- Thank you.Copy !req
698. You are young. You are
young. You are a fetus.Copy !req
699. Hello. Welcome. Welcome.Copy !req
700. Hi.Copy !req
701. Do you know these people?Copy !req
702. No, of course I don't know these people.Copy !req
703. Yeah.Copy !req
704. Anybody have a problem with this?Copy !req
705. No? Okay, great.Copy !req
706. - So Rebecca carried the baby...
- No, no, no.Copy !req
707. It was Heather who carried the
baby, but it was Rebecca's egg.Copy !req
708. - Uh, okay, I'll get it eventually.
- No, you're good.Copy !req
709. - I mean, probably won't, so...
- Either way.Copy !req
710. I'm gonna get a drink.
You want something?Copy !req
711. - Yeah, sure. Hey, Darryl.
- Hmm?Copy !req
712. Hey, listen, I heard what you did.Copy !req
713. And thank you for throwing
water in Josh's face.Copy !req
714. - Oh.
- Lt really helped himCopy !req
715. get out of his kelp cocoon, you know?Copy !req
716. Oh, my God. You're
watching Gemini's Escape.Copy !req
717. - Yes. - What episode are you
on? Have you gotten to the oneCopy !req
718. with the...Copy !req
719. Blink twice if you know what I'm saying.Copy !req
720. Oh! I know.Copy !req
721. - Let's get something to drink.
- Yeah.Copy !req
722. I think you need it.Copy !req
723. - Should I turn it up?
- Yeah.Copy !req
724. Hey, uh, do you mind?
I kind of, like, curated a playlist.Copy !req
725. - Can you, like, turn it down at least?
- Hey.Copy !req
726. - Or, like...
- Heather, Heather, hey.Copy !req
727. Um, oh, my God. You're kind
of embarrassing me right now.Copy !req
728. These are my guests,Copy !req
729. and they can do whatever
they want, right?Copy !req
730. So go pay your taxesCopy !req
731. or trim your ear hair
or something, okrrr?Copy !req
732. Okay, um, it's your house now,Copy !req
733. so...Copy !req
734. Okay.Copy !req
735. Oh, my God, I love this song.Copy !req
736. Is this Halsey? It's not?Copy !req
737. Yeah, okay, I love this song!Copy !req
738. What's it called?Copy !req
739. "Endless Verses"? Huh?Copy !req
740. "Waiting for the Chorus"?Copy !req
741. "Only the Bad Parts of a Song"?Copy !req
742. Mm!Copy !req
743. Okay.Copy !req
744. Cool, more people.Copy !req
745. Oh, yeah!Copy !req
746. I'm cool with this.Copy !req
747. Yeah! Come in.Copy !req
748. I'm glad a fire
marshal's not here, right?Copy !req
749. 'Cause otherwise we'd be in trouble.Copy !req
750. Okay, you go have sex now.Copy !req
751. It's fine, it's fine. I
got no responsibilities.Copy !req
752. Spill red wine on my
rug. Clog my toilet.Copy !req
753. Stick your dirty fingers
in the ice machineCopy !req
754. in my new refrigerator, huh?Copy !req
755. Wait.Copy !req
756. Wait.Copy !req
757. No.Copy !req
758. Someone dented my new refrigerator?Copy !req
759. Okay!Copy !req
760. Young people are the worst!Copy !req
761. Attention!Copy !req
762. If you are too youngCopy !req
763. to have watched the original Full House,Copy !req
764. get out!Copy !req
765. Oh, my God.Copy !req
766. Nick at Nite doesn't count.Copy !req
767. Get out. Just go. Go. Get out.Copy !req
768. That is mine. Monsters.Copy !req
769. Go. Go. Get out!Copy !req
770. Oh, my God, I can't believe I
ruined your good-bye party.Copy !req
771. I continue to be horrible.Copy !req
772. Seriously, if I weren't
me, I wouldn't talk to me.Copy !req
773. Yeah, you were pretty terrible.Copy !req
774. And a very unconvincing young person.Copy !req
775. Like, were you born 40?Copy !req
776. The thing is, when you
told me your good news,Copy !req
777. I wanted to be happy for you,Copy !req
778. but instead I just felt
self-hating and competitive,Copy !req
779. which I know is wrong.Copy !req
780. But I feel behind.Copy !req
781. You know, you guys
have everything all set.Copy !req
782. You got it all figured out.Copy !req
783. Set?Copy !req
784. I'm nervous as hell.
I'm going to a new cityCopy !req
785. and a new job with a new relationship.Copy !req
786. - I'm hella scared.
- Yeah, me, too.Copy !req
787. I hate a commute.Copy !req
788. And also, randomly I'm married?Copy !req
789. Like, what?Copy !req
790. God, I'm so sorry for being so selfish.Copy !req
791. You were heinous,Copy !req
792. but everyone's frizzy sometimes.Copy !req
793. Is it frizzy or fizzy? What?Copy !req
794. It doesn't matter. I made it
up, and it somehow took off.Copy !req
795. God. I really backslid this week.Copy !req
796. I guess I got to up my therapy sessions
and go back to group.Copy !req
797. I haven't been to group in a long time.Copy !req
798. Look, Rebecca, I get why
you're down on yourself.Copy !req
799. But...Copy !req
800. I mean, honestly, I can't pictureCopy !req
801. what my life would be like without you.Copy !req
802. I never would have met Hector,Copy !req
803. a-and I wouldn't have gone
for my supercool corporate job.Copy !req
804. Yeah, and if it wasn't for you,Copy !req
805. I wouldn't have my cool
job and awesome girlfriendCopy !req
806. if you hadn't broken up me and Josh.Copy !req
807. Yeah, and I wouldn't be
anywhere near law school, so duh.Copy !req
808. Because of me? Really?Copy !req
809. Mm-hmm. So we forgive you.Copy !req
810. - For a lot.
- A lot.Copy !req
811. Actually, can I ask you a favor?Copy !req
812. Will you take temporary
custody of Estrella?Copy !req
813. She and Hector don't get along,Copy !req
814. and she's so happy here.Copy !req
815. You would trust me with your starfish?Copy !req
816. Heather, I will guard her with my life.Copy !req
817. Oh, my God, I love you guys so much.Copy !req
818. And we'll-we'll...Copy !req
819. we'll keep in touch, right?Copy !req
820. Oh, of course we will.
I mean, definitely we will.Copy !req
821. Not like you guysCopy !req
822. are moving to Botswana.Copy !req
823. - Wow, is that really where he's going?
- Yeah.Copy !req
824. Yeah. I looked on a globe,Copy !req
825. - and it's, like, you know, here.
- Oh, Paula.Copy !req
826. I'm so s... Excited for him and for you.Copy !req
827. Paula, you know that we love you
and we're here for you.Copy !req
828. Yeah, I know. We'll all
be here for each other.Copy !req
829. Yeah, girl group is "forevah."Copy !req
830. - And "evah."
- And "evah."Copy !req
831. - And "evah."
- Cheers.Copy !req
832. Well... I should go,Copy !req
833. because I only have a
little time left with him.Copy !req
834. So... No, no, no. Good night.Copy !req
835. Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye.Copy !req
836. And now she's stuck with Tommy.Copy !req
837. You gonna be okay?Copy !req
838. Oh, yeah. It's just amazingCopy !req
839. that this is how everything turned out.Copy !req
840. - Yeah.
- I mean, you're everything I ever hopedCopy !req
841. you would be, but...Copy !req
842. nothing like I actually
thought you would be.Copy !req
843. What, Mom?Copy !req
844. It'll be okay.Copy !req
845. I love you, Mom. I love you, too.Copy !req
846. — Synced and corrected by ChrisKe —
— www.addic7ed.com —Copy !req