1. Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...Copy !req
2. I've had the best time hanging
out with the both of you.Copy !req
3. I think it's official
that we're a squad.Copy !req
4. - Totally.
- When we stickCopy !req
5. together, I'm pretty convinced
there's nothing we can't do.Copy !req
6. I love you guys. I really do.Copy !req
7. You can talk to me, D-Money.Copy !req
8. It's about me and White Josh,Copy !req
9. and you're so obsessed with us, and...Copy !req
10. O... M... G... What?Copy !req
11. You guys are my #goals.Copy !req
12. I literally cannot with you guys.Copy !req
13. You give me all the feels.Copy !req
14. What are you doing here?Copy !req
15. Heather texted me, and
she asked me to come.Copy !req
16. - I wanted to see my friend.
- Friends?Copy !req
17. - I thought you didn't want to be.
- I thought you didn't want to be.Copy !req
18. - Do you think I'm a bad mom?
- You're not the most attentive parent.Copy !req
19. Brendan's my weed guy.Copy !req
20. I thought you guys were justCopy !req
21. dead weight slowing down the minivan.Copy !req
22. But I was wrong.Copy !req
23. Don't look. I'm behind you.Copy !req
24. Okay, behold, my
newest stroke of genius,Copy !req
25. the reason I assembled you all hereCopy !req
26. for this #GirlGroupHangout.Copy !req
27. Pretzel pairings with wine!Copy !req
28. Ooh!Copy !req
29. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Oh!Copy !req
30. Okay, so we have a Parmesan and Pinot.Copy !req
31. - Ooh!
- Ooh!Copy !req
32. A Roquefort and Riesling.Copy !req
33. - Oh, wait. No, that's for you.
That's for you. - Uh-huh.Copy !req
34. And my personal favorite...Copy !req
35. Manchego and Merlot.Copy !req
36. Ooh.Copy !req
37. Oh, look at you, Miss Entrepreneur.Copy !req
38. You are glowing.Copy !req
39. Yeah, I'm really happy lately.Copy !req
40. I really love this job,Copy !req
41. and Dr. Akopian says I'm doing well,Copy !req
42. and volunteering at
the jail is going great.Copy !req
43. I just feel really grounded
and centered, you know?Copy !req
44. Ladies, ladies, ladies, no, no, no, no.Copy !req
45. It's sip and nibble, sip and nibble.Copy !req
46. What's that look for?Copy !req
47. Oh, Heather, are you getting divorced?Copy !req
48. Oof, I'm sorry. We all saw it coming.Copy !req
49. What? No.Copy !req
50. You did? No.Copy !req
51. Um, I have news.Copy !req
52. Is it that you're
getting us a new vibrator?Copy !req
53. 'Cause the old one's on its last legs.Copy !req
54. You don't still use my vibrator.Copy !req
55. - No, I do not.
- Uh, I'm just gonna say it.Copy !req
56. So, um, Hector and I bought
a condo in El Segundo.Copy !req
57. So, we're moving.Copy !req
58. - Oh.
- Yeah.Copy !req
59. He got this great job at
a surf camp down there,Copy !req
60. and I've always wanted to
live at the beach, so...Copy !req
61. Wow.Copy !req
62. Wow, wow, wow. This is really
big and an adult step.Copy !req
63. I mean, you're married. Now
you're buying real estate.Copy !req
64. It's huge. Right, Paula?Copy !req
65. That's kind of crazy, right, Valencia?Copy !req
66. I'm moving to New York.Copy !req
67. Yeah, okay. That's funny.Copy !req
68. Beth and I got an offer to workCopy !req
69. at a huge party planning company.Copy !req
70. We rented a tiny apartment
the size of my current closet,Copy !req
71. but it's the Big Apple.Copy !req
72. Big Apple, small apartment.Copy !req
73. Wait, both of you are moving?Copy !req
74. At the same time?Copy !req
75. Okay. Wow. Um,Copy !req
76. I, uh... I don't know what to say.Copy !req
77. Wow. You guys have a
lot of stuff figured out.Copy !req
78. Valencia and HeatherCopy !req
79. and Pa... I mean, Paula,
let's not forget you.Copy !req
80. You're about to
graduate from law school.Copy !req
81. It's amazing for all of you.Copy !req
82. Mazel, mazel! Mazel to all!Copy !req
83. We've been trying to decide
how to break it to you,Copy !req
84. but, really, it's not such
a big deal. I mean, No.Copy !req
85. Heather's basically
just moving across town.Copy !req
86. Yeah. I'm still gonna be
working for Home Base.Copy !req
87. - Mm-hmm.
- The El Segundo Home BaseCopy !req
88. was already one of my Home Bases.Copy !req
89. Now it'll just be my
home base Home Base,Copy !req
90. and the West Covina Home
Base will be my second base.Copy !req
91. Or Segundo base.Copy !req
92. Segundo base.Copy !req
93. Yeah, we can all text
and talk on the phoneCopy !req
94. and FaceTime.Copy !req
95. Plus, I'm coming home for the holidays.Copy !req
96. I already booked my ticket.Copy !req
97. Oh, my God.Copy !req
98. Okay, Cookie, I can
see this is difficult for you.Copy !req
99. Scott and I lived in
three other crappy suburbsCopy !req
100. before we lived in this crappy suburb.Copy !req
101. And... I've said good-bye
to a lot of people.Copy !req
102. And... you get used to it.Copy !req
103. You say hello, you say good-bye,Copy !req
104. and you just try to treasure
the moments in between.Copy !req
105. Yeah. Yes, you're right.Copy !req
106. That's what I'm doing
right now. I am treasuringCopy !req
107. and savoring. I mean, you know,Copy !req
108. it's a little hard for me.Copy !req
109. It kind of feels like I'm...Copy !req
110. losing two friends at once.Copy !req
111. But I will beCopy !req
112. cheering you all on
very sincerely from...Copy !req
113. my small, unprofitable pretzel store,Copy !req
114. with my no boyfriend, having not had sexCopy !req
115. since before the slammer,
because... oh, right...Copy !req
116. I was also in jail.Copy !req
117. You should've seen the lookCopy !req
118. on Rebecca's face. I
felt so bad for her.Copy !req
119. It was like when you
dropped your cotton candy in the pottyCopy !req
120. and you were so sad.Copy !req
121. Right. But then I-I picked
it back up and I ate it.Copy !req
122. Um, speaking of big news,Copy !req
123. I have some.Copy !req
124. You gonna stop calling Tommy
"General Buttface Jackson"?Copy !req
125. Uh, he loves that. No.Copy !req
126. You are finally going to...Copy !req
127. You ever heard of, uh, Peeps for Peace?Copy !req
128. Sure. Yeah, they're-they're
kind of like the Peace Corps.Copy !req
129. What about 'em? Did you...Copy !req
130. read an article about 'em or something?Copy !req
131. No, no, no. I-I applied and got in.Copy !req
132. I'm just waiting on my assignment.Copy !req
133. I'm excited to see where I get to go.Copy !req
134. Might be pretty far.Copy !req
135. What, like... Denver?Copy !req
136. No, no, like, uh...Copy !req
137. like South America or Africa.Copy !req
138. I just, you know,
thought we were in a phaseCopy !req
139. of telling each other stuff...Copy !req
140. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah. I know. I just...Copy !req
141. I thought... I thought
you might be upset, so...Copy !req
142. Why would I be upset?Copy !req
143. Be-Because we just kind of got close,Copy !req
144. and now I'm-I'm leaving.Copy !req
145. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!Copy !req
146. No. I'm happy for you.Copy !req
147. I'm happy for me.Copy !req
148. - Yeah?
- Yeah!Copy !req
149. I've got a kid who's-who's
gonna go super far awayCopy !req
150. and make a big-ass
difference on this planetCopy !req
151. for... how long?Copy !req
152. Uh, anywhere between five and ten years.Copy !req
153. Good.Copy !req
154. Good.Copy !req
155. Good.Copy !req
156. By the way,Copy !req
157. don't tell your dad about this pie,Copy !req
158. because he is an emotional eater.Copy !req
159. - I can see you're upset.
- I'm not upset. Not at all.Copy !req
160. I am proud. This is... this is...Copy !req
161. this is an achievement.Copy !req
162. I mean, any mother
would be proud. Right.Copy !req
163. Like I... like I always say,Copy !req
164. you say hello,Copy !req
165. you say good-bye,Copy !req
166. and you just try to...Copy !req
167. treasure the m...Copy !req
168. Just...Copy !req
169. I can't go back from paternity
leave until I binge this show.Copy !req
170. Everyone has seen
it, and they've already saidCopy !req
171. they're gonna spoil everything for me.Copy !req
172. Hector loves this show.Copy !req
173. What is it about again?Copy !req
174. It's a British cop thingCopy !req
175. - with a child murder
in a fishing village. - Ooh.Copy !req
176. - Okay. Yeah.
- And it starsCopy !req
177. that Swedish actress
and that Scottish guy.Copy !req
178. - Okay.
- And some episodes are two hoursCopy !req
179. - and some are 30 minutes.
- Wow. All right. Sounds good.Copy !req
180. Let's binge it up.Copy !req
181. All righty.Copy !req
182. Hey, it's not weird we
spend so much time together,Copy !req
183. - is it?
- No. Besides,Copy !req
184. that murder's not gonna solve itself.Copy !req
185. You do realize we don't
solve the murder, right?Copy !req
186. Oh, come on. Have some fun.Copy !req
187. I don't know what's wrong with me.Copy !req
188. It's a normal reaction.Copy !req
189. Your roommate's moving out,
your friend's moving away.Copy !req
190. Of course you're feeling low and sad.Copy !req
191. No, it's not that.Copy !req
192. - Can I tell you something?
- Okay.Copy !req
193. - What I'm about to say is-is horrible.
- It's all right.Copy !req
194. I see life as a contest,
and I'm now losing.Copy !req
195. What? R-Rebecca, I-I didn't hear you.Copy !req
196. I feel less thanCopy !req
197. when others are doing better than me.Copy !req
198. Okay. I'll come sit next to you.Copy !req
199. Okay.Copy !req
200. I want to cryogenically freezeCopy !req
201. all my friends to buy me some timeCopy !req
202. to find a better career
and a life partner.Copy !req
203. And then, when I'm
ready, I'll wake them up,Copy !req
204. and I'll throw a party for
all of our mutual milestones.Copy !req
205. That is so messed up.Copy !req
206. Aw! I'm kidding.Copy !req
207. Feeling competitive
is just human nature.Copy !req
208. It's normal.Copy !req
209. - Is it?
- Yes.Copy !req
210. And it makes sense that youCopy !req
211. would feel... behind.Copy !req
212. You are, in a sense, a little behind.Copy !req
213. Um, wait, what?Copy !req
214. You have overcomeCopy !req
215. challenges other people haven't faced,Copy !req
216. and you have wisely taken
the time to do the hard work.Copy !req
217. It makes sense that some of your friendsCopy !req
218. might hit some early adult
milestones before you.Copy !req
219. Oh.Copy !req
220. No, it's funny, 'cause
I was saying I was behindCopy !req
221. so you would say, "No,
no, no, you're not behind."Copy !req
222. But you said that I am.
It's fine. No, it's just...Copy !req
223. It's slightly jarring
when a medical professionalCopy !req
224. confirms your worst fears,
but that makes sense.Copy !req
225. My friends are, in some senses...Copy !req
226. at a more advanced stage in their lives.Copy !req
227. Exactly.Copy !req
228. So...Copy !req
229. maybe what I need to doCopy !req
230. is hang out with some different peopleCopy !req
231. - who are more where I'm at.
- Rebecca,Copy !req
232. I am not suggesting that
you replace your friends.Copy !req
233. No, no, no, no. I wouldn't
do that. I mean, that's...Copy !req
234. I'm not saying that I would do
that. That's not what I'm doing.Copy !req
235. I'm just adding to my friend groupCopy !req
236. with people who don't scare me.Copy !req
237. So...Copy !req
238. Maya, AJ, I've brought you both hereCopy !req
239. to ask you a very important question.Copy !req
240. Have either of you
considered owning a condo?Copy !req
241. Oh...Copy !req
242. What's going on in
here? What are you doing?Copy !req
243. Brendan doesn't sell drugs anymore.Copy !req
244. Which is kind of a bummer,
'cause he was my weed guy.Copy !req
245. Scott, we have an emergency.
Our son is going far away.Copy !req
246. - Super far.
- And we're so proud of him.Copy !req
247. Screw proud. I just
started liking that kid.Copy !req
248. I need to find something
to make him stay.Copy !req
249. Oh. Oh.Copy !req
250. A yearbook page.Copy !req
251. I think I may have just
found the mother lode.Copy !req
252. Vanessa Rodriguez.Copy !req
253. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
254. I remember her. He really liked her.Copy !req
255. I remember her, too. I used
to think she was his OTP.Copy !req
256. His over the pants?Copy !req
257. One true pairing. Oh, God.Copy !req
258. This is great. This is
just the ammunition I need.Copy !req
259. Babe, I'm begging you, do
not interfere in his life.Copy !req
260. He's made a good decision
for once. Let him be.Copy !req
261. You're right. I...
I shouldn't interfere.Copy !req
262. I-I learned that
lesson a million times.Copy !req
263. I'm just gonna let himCopy !req
264. fly away and...Copy !req
265. be free.Copy !req
266. Exactly.Copy !req
267. - Glad you understand.
- I do.Copy !req
268. Fly free, my ass.Copy !req
269. Ah, it's nice to be outCopy !req
270. on the first cool day of the year.Copy !req
271. Yep, only 85 degrees.Copy !req
272. It's a very simple question.Copy !req
273. Have you considered owning a condo?Copy !req
274. Oh, no way. I'm not even
sure what a condo is.Copy !req
275. Is that Rebecca?Copy !req
276. Wait. Back it up. Back the car up.Copy !req
277. Hit a lamppost. Call your mother.Copy !req
278. You're getting towed.Copy !req
279. Are Darryl and White
Josh back together? Yay!Copy !req
280. WhiteJoshfeather is my OTP.Copy !req
281. - That means one true pairing.
- No, I know what it isCopy !req
282. 'cause I'm-I'm super young, as well.Copy !req
283. Um, and no, I don't thinkCopy !req
284. they are back together. Huh?Copy !req
285. But let's get back to me.Copy !req
286. Rebecca, hold on.Copy !req
287. Are you telling me that adorable familyCopy !req
288. that I'm about to Pinterest
all over my Life Goals boardCopy !req
289. is not a couple?Copy !req
290. Yeah. They're not back together.Copy !req
291. It's so sad. Look
at them, they're so cute.Copy !req
292. Aw.Copy !req
293. Something like this? This? Like this?Copy !req
294. Darryl says they're just friends,Copy !req
295. but nobody spends
that much time togetherCopy !req
296. if they're not hooking up.Copy !req
297. Just look at those two.Copy !req
298. Just get back together!Copy !req
299. Everyone wants you
back together. Come on!Copy !req
300. - What?
- Yeah! Stop pretendingCopy !req
301. you guys aren't in love!Copy !req
302. - Why is everyone yelling at us?
- I don't know.Copy !req
303. Mm-mm. Not okay.Copy !req
304. - Let's go.
- All right.Copy !req
305. Mm-mm.Copy !req
306. Happy birthday, Connor.Copy !req
307. Oh, boy. They're on the move.Copy !req
308. Why are they coming over
here? Oh, my goodness.Copy !req
309. - I don't know.
- We've all had enough of this.Copy !req
310. Okay, okay. What's going on?Copy !req
311. Come on, you two. Your
relationship is important to us.Copy !req
312. - Just give in, and get in the spirit!
- Yeah.Copy !req
313. Yee-haw!Copy !req
314. Dear God, what's happening?Copy !req
315. It's your wedding day!Copy !req
316. No, but we're broken up.Copy !req
317. Yep!Copy !req
318. You tell 'em, Maya.Copy !req
319. With ya, Timmy.Copy !req
320. You need to get out more, Tim.Copy !req
321. Rebecca, don't you have bigger
problems going on right now?Copy !req
322. Yes, and this is a welcome distraction.Copy !req
323. You just said that. Shh.Copy !req
324. - I'm sorry, what was your name again?
- Who is this guy?Copy !req
325. Whoa.Copy !req
326. - Ooh! Sorry.
- Sorry.Copy !req
327. - I don't know where to go.
- I don't, either.Copy !req
328. Hey, what are you guys doing here?Copy !req
329. We all want you back together, too!Copy !req
330. - Who's this guy?
- I needed a dance partner,Copy !req
331. and I've had a really hard week,
so please, let me have this.Copy !req
332. Big fan. Great to meet you. Big fan.Copy !req
333. Okay.Copy !req
334. Now let's dance.Copy !req
335. Okay, we got the message.Copy !req
336. Go on with your lives.Copy !req
337. Guys... come on.Copy !req
338. Okay, so,Copy !req
339. this is just not about
us at all anymore.Copy !req
340. No.Copy !req
341. So, now they're randomly doing ballet?Copy !req
342. I guess so. It's hard to follow.Copy !req
343. That's not even the correct
dance language for this piece.Copy !req
344. Come on!Copy !req
345. Whoa... !Copy !req
346. Stop it. Now, stop it. Come on.Copy !req
347. Leave these guys alone.Copy !req
348. For the record, it is possible
to be platonically friendsCopy !req
349. with someone you've just broken up with.Copy !req
350. Do you really believe that?Copy !req
351. No, I just wanted to be in the number.Copy !req
352. Oh, wow!Copy !req
353. - Hey, where'd they go?
- Who cares?Copy !req
354. What is wrong with people?Copy !req
355. I mean, why do they care
if we're together or not?Copy !req
356. Yeah, well, that has
nothing to do with us.Copy !req
357. - Yeah.
- We know what we are to each other.Copy !req
358. Yeah, that is their
issue. That is about them.Copy !req
359. Oh.Copy !req
360. Look, Vic dressed up
for Hawaiian shirt day at the gym.Copy !req
361. What a dork.Copy !req
362. I like Vic.Copy !req
363. He's the best trainer
at the gym besides you.Copy !req
364. He doesn't grunt. Always
puts the weights down lightly.Copy !req
365. Always lets me quit.Copy !req
366. I think if he was 20 years
older, he'd be perfect for you.Copy !req
367. Yeah, he might be
perfect for me right now.Copy !req
368. We've been texting a little bit.Copy !req
369. - Yeah? You guys gonna go out?
- Yeah. Yeah, at some pointCopy !req
370. I just got so much going on right now.Copy !req
371. Speaking of which, can I drop
by tonight and do my laundry?Copy !req
372. The, uh, machines at my buildingCopy !req
373. are a little less free than yours.Copy !req
374. Sure. While I'm there,Copy !req
375. maybe we can watch that new seriesCopy !req
376. about toxic waste and cancer.Copy !req
377. Oh, yeah, the one that won Best Comedy.Copy !req
378. Everybody dies. Add to queue.Copy !req
379. - Done.
- Mm.Copy !req
380. So, what do you think
of my wine pairing?Copy !req
381. You know, I'm not that
into blue and Bordeaux,Copy !req
382. but that's just 'cause to
me, blue smells like blarf.Copy !req
383. That's such a funny
young person thing you just did.Copy !req
384. Combining two words to make
a new word. It's so great.Copy !req
385. Hmm? One second.Copy !req
386. Hmm.Copy !req
387. Oh, my roommate Heather
sent out an E-vite.Copy !req
388. Heather and Valencia are havingCopy !req
389. a farewell party at my
house on Saturday night.Copy !req
390. That's funny. I wasn't consulted.Copy !req
391. Mm. They probably thought I'd be upset,Copy !req
392. but you know what? I don't care.Copy !req
393. I don't care. It's fine.Copy !req
394. Hey, it says bring whomever.Copy !req
395. - You guys want to come?
- Saturday?Copy !req
396. That's when I doCopy !req
397. my evening intention
hikes with the friendsCopy !req
398. from my intramural
three-legged race team.Copy !req
399. Maya, you in, girl?Copy !req
400. Girl, okay, normally I got you,Copy !req
401. but I have my ironic
scrapbooking group Saturday.Copy !req
402. Oh. Yeah, this week we're collagingCopy !req
403. with sexist shampoo ads from the '70s.Copy !req
404. - Feminism.
- Yes.Copy !req
405. Why don't you bring all your
friends to my house party?Copy !req
406. Are you sure? It's, like, ten people.Copy !req
407. Mine would be, like, 12.Copy !req
408. Bring whoever you want.Copy !req
409. It is a party.Copy !req
410. My therapist said...Copy !req
411. Just bring-bring your friends.Copy !req
412. The more the merrier.Copy !req
413. - Okay.
- Cool.Copy !req
414. Thank you.Copy !req
415. Thank you so much. Enjoy.Copy !req
416. - Have a nice day.
- Wow.Copy !req
417. These are adorable.Copy !req
418. This pair says "hell"
and "no." That's great.Copy !req
419. Oh, look at these. "Boy" and "bye."Copy !req
420. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
421. Wait, Vanessa Rodriguez? Is that you?Copy !req
422. Yeah. Can I help you?Copy !req
423. I'm Brendan Proctor's mom.Copy !req
424. Oh, hi.Copy !req
425. Hey, listen, do you have a secondCopy !req
426. to talk about your OTP?Copy !req
427. - What are you guys doing?
- Well, again,Copy !req
428. I'm moving, so I'm packing up my stuff.Copy !req
429. I'm picking up some stuff I left hereCopy !req
430. that I'm taking to New York.Copy !req
431. Right, got it. I mean,
that is my skillet, though.Copy !req
432. Okay, it's not a
skillet. It's a stock pot.Copy !req
433. And it has my mother's name on it.Copy !req
434. Okay, point taken. Your
mom puts her name on pots,Copy !req
435. which is what you'll
probably be doing soonCopy !req
436. since you're basically mom age now.Copy !req
437. You and I are the same age.Copy !req
438. Yeah, and I'm younger.Copy !req
439. Rebecca, you're being weird.Copy !req
440. I'm being... I'm sorry,
what did you... ?Copy !req
441. I don't even recognize
that word anymore,Copy !req
442. 'cause the word is not "weird."
It's actually "fizzy" now.Copy !req
443. - I'm sorry, what?
- That's what my young new friends say.Copy !req
444. - What new friends?
- Oh, you wouldn't know them.Copy !req
445. They're these kids Maya and AJ.Copy !req
446. - I know Maya and AJ.
- So do I.Copy !req
447. Okay, well, that's cool.Copy !req
448. So you know how, like, young
and cool and fizzy they are.Copy !req
449. Your new friends are weird?Copy !req
450. Oh, my God. Centenarian.Copy !req
451. Fizzy is a word that
means multiple things.Copy !req
452. It's like "sick" or "bad"Copy !req
453. or "aloha" or "shalom."Copy !req
454. Uh, look, girl, I know this is hard.Copy !req
455. - Yeah, and kind of triggering.
- Okay.Copy !req
456. I... I appreciate
you guys worrying about me,Copy !req
457. but, you know,Copy !req
458. to play armchair
psychiatrist for a second,Copy !req
459. I think you're fixating a
little bit too much on meCopy !req
460. rather than focus on your own sadness.Copy !req
461. You guys are saying good-byeCopy !req
462. to the young and fizzy
parts of your lives...Copy !req
463. Good fizzy, not bad
fizzy... And you're thinking,Copy !req
464. "Okay, now that I'm old and
boring, will life be as fun?"Copy !req
465. And the answer is... likely no.Copy !req
466. But the good news isCopy !req
467. you can live through
your fun friend, Becks,Copy !req
468. and you can follow me
on my Insta or my Finsta,Copy !req
469. if I let you.Copy !req
470. It's a lot of secret pictures
of me doing all of the drugs.Copy !req
471. Anyway, I got to go to
a pop-up candy museumCopy !req
472. and then a hookah bar and then
a party inside a photo booth.Copy !req
473. So got to dip.Copy !req
474. Oh, I'm sorry. "Dip" means "bounce,"
which means "peace out."Copy !req
475. Which means "leave."Copy !req
476. She's being ridiculous. We're not old.Copy !req
477. Not at all.Copy !req
478. Where is my back brace, though?Copy !req
479. 'Cause I have to lift this dish box.Copy !req
480. Oh. Wonder who that is.Copy !req
481. Oh, my God. Hi.Copy !req
482. This is the girl that I boughtCopy !req
483. - earrings from earlier today.
- Hi.Copy !req
484. Oh, thank you so much for
coming by to drop them off.Copy !req
485. - I really appreciate it.
- Of course.Copy !req
486. Hey, no, c-come in, come in. Okay.Copy !req
487. - Vanessa Rodriguez is here.
- Shh.Copy !req
488. - Honey, don't be rude.
- Uh, yes, Paula,Copy !req
489. here are your custom earrings
that say "lawyer" and "bitch."Copy !req
490. Ooh!Copy !req
491. Brendan?Copy !req
492. - Is this your mom?
- Yeah.Copy !req
493. Yeah, yeah, that's, uh,
that's my mom, that's my dad,Copy !req
494. and Th-that's General Buttface Jackson.Copy !req
495. At your service.Copy !req
496. Well, what a funny coincidenceCopy !req
497. that your mom, who
I've never met before,Copy !req
498. bought earrings from my
kiosk today. That's so weird.Copy !req
499. God, V, I-I haven't
seen you in a while.Copy !req
500. You look... you look amazing.Copy !req
501. Well, you look pretty good, yourself.Copy !req
502. Thank you.Copy !req
503. Listen, um, we have a
lot of meat loaf left overCopy !req
504. because Tommy's
weirdly vegetarian now.Copy !req
505. - Will you join us?
- Oh. Well, I don't want to impose.Copy !req
506. No, no, no, you're not imposing.Copy !req
507. No. Get up, buddy.
Tommy, take your plate.Copy !req
508. - Get up. Just find another
chair. Come on. - Okay.Copy !req
509. You're just gonna sit right here.Copy !req
510. Okay. Thank you. Thank you.Copy !req
511. Just sit right next to Brendan.Copy !req
512. - What the hell are you doing?
- Shh!Copy !req
513. Not so loud. The boys will hear you.Copy !req
514. What do you think I'm doing?Copy !req
515. I'm trying to get Vanessa and Brendan
back together so he won't leave.Copy !req
516. Look, I did not offer her moneyCopy !req
517. or blackmail her. I
am just playing Cupid.Copy !req
518. That's nothing.Copy !req
519. Look, I understand this is hard for you.Copy !req
520. This is hard for me, too. Our guy is...Copy !req
521. - He's moving on.
- Shh.Copy !req
522. But we can't be messing with his life.Copy !req
523. If you don't call this off,Copy !req
524. I will. Oh, you are not
calling off anything.Copy !req
525. You don't understand. You're not Mom.Copy !req
526. He grew in my stomach.
His first sentence was, "Wuv you, Mama."Copy !req
527. For the first four years of his life,Copy !req
528. we were stapled together
unless I was at work.Copy !req
529. And then from the ages
of four to 18, I lost himCopy !req
530. to his stupid friends and knivesCopy !req
531. and girls he never told me aboutCopy !req
532. and masturbation and selling pot,Copy !req
533. and now he's back, and he likes me,Copy !req
534. and I wuv him more than ever.Copy !req
535. And I just... I don't want to
lose him yet, Scott. Please.Copy !req
536. - Yeah, but I...
- Scott.Copy !req
537. Please.Copy !req
538. You're up, man.Copy !req
539. Wow.Copy !req
540. Okay, okay, attention,
everybody at the bar?Copy !req
541. Vic here has another dart to throw,Copy !req
542. and he's not afraid to
cause bodily harm, okay?Copy !req
543. Look out.Copy !req
544. This is it. This is the big one.Copy !req
545. Big money, big money...Copy !req
546. Where did that one even go?Copy !req
547. Um... That is unbelievable.Copy !req
548. Okay, buddy.Copy !req
549. Wow, you are bad at that.Copy !req
550. Actually, I just need a
little bit of a warm-up.Copy !req
551. - Hey, I didn't get your RSVeep.
- Hey.Copy !req
552. Are you coming by tomorrow night?Copy !req
553. Oh. Right, going-away
party. Shoot, sorry.Copy !req
554. Yeah. Um, heads-up, actually.Copy !req
555. Uh, Rebecca's kind
of having a tough timeCopy !req
556. with everyone leaving.Copy !req
557. Yeah, that makes sense.Copy !req
558. You guys are both moving. That's hard.Copy !req
559. So true. So brutal.Copy !req
560. - Trutal.
- Trutal.Copy !req
561. You know, I don't know you,Copy !req
562. - but you can also come.
- Oh.Copy !req
563. - Thank you.
- Yeah.Copy !req
564. - Who's Trutal? Who's Rebecca?
- Ah.Copy !req
565. Trutal is no one. Uh, Rebecca
is someone she lives with.Copy !req
566. Heather, actually,
Heather's moving away.Copy !req
567. And, uh, she's married to
a friend of mine, Hector.Copy !req
568. And they have this other friend,Copy !req
569. Valencia, who's also moving away.Copy !req
570. And, uh... Yeah, this is boring, right?Copy !req
571. - This is all people you don't know.
- No, I'm interested.Copy !req
572. It's your life. We're
getting to know each other.Copy !req
573. So tell me about who is leaving.Copy !req
574. Where do I start? Um...Copy !req
575. Hmm.Copy !req
576. Okay.Copy !req
577. Sorry, that took forever.Copy !req
578. - Oh, was it a bad date?
- Uh, mm, no.Copy !req
579. I like him. He just wanted to
know everything about my life.Copy !req
580. So many questions.Copy !req
581. Well, that-that sounds like a
normal first date. A good one.Copy !req
582. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know.Copy !req
583. The whole time I was just
thinking about coming back hereCopy !req
584. and kicking off my shoesCopy !req
585. and hanging out with somebody
who already knew all that stuff.Copy !req
586. Uh, what the hell was that?Copy !req
587. Get out.Copy !req
588. - You have got to get out.
- What are you talking about?Copy !req
589. You're using our
friendship like a cocoon.Copy !req
590. I-It's like that sci-fi
series that we watchedCopy !req
591. where the alien lived in
that waterproof chrysalis.Copy !req
592. - I am not Gemini. You take that back.
- Okay. Mm-mm.Copy !req
593. He destroyed an entire continentCopy !req
594. because he was so afraid
of leaving his warm...Copy !req
595. comfortable cocoon.Copy !req
596. Okay, yeah, I'm hearing
that. I am hearing that now.Copy !req
597. Look, Joshua, I love having you around,Copy !req
598. but people are right.Copy !req
599. We spend an awful lot of time together,Copy !req
600. but we know it's not gonna be
anything more than a friendship.Copy !req
601. I mean, a really great
friendship, but...Copy !req
602. we don't want it to be the thingCopy !req
603. that keeps us from meeting someone new.Copy !req
604. Either one of us.Copy !req
605. What about all our shows?Copy !req
606. Well, I could give you the passwords.Copy !req
607. But... it's the golden
age of television.Copy !req
608. I understand what I'm doing.Copy !req
609. All right.Copy !req
610. Now, Netflix...Copy !req
611. - is "hebbybebbynetflix."
- Hebbybebbynetflix.Copy !req
612. - HBO Go is "hebbybebbyhbo."
- Mm-hmm. Oh, okay.Copy !req
613. Hulu is... Hmm? No, I think I got it.Copy !req
614. Oh, okay. I mean, if
you think you got it.Copy !req
615. I think I got it. Yeah, you established
a pretty clear pattern there.Copy !req
616. It's "hebbybebbyhulu." I
knew you wanted to know.Copy !req
617. This is just so great.Copy !req
618. It has been two days,Copy !req
619. and Vanessa and Brendan have
been out three times already.Copy !req
620. I know, it's been a minuteCopy !req
621. since he went out with
someone that often.Copy !req
622. Yeah. The only bummer is is
if they get really serious,Copy !req
623. what will he doCopy !req
624. about Peeps for Peace?Copy !req
625. Long-distance is so hard.Copy !req
626. Ask The Notebook.Copy !req
627. Oh, hello, lovebirds.Copy !req
628. How was your date?Copy !req
629. Pretty good.Copy !req
630. Really?Copy !req
631. Yeah, she's pregnant.Copy !req
632. Awesome date.Copy !req
633. What? No. You just started...Copy !req
634. You can't... but you
can't know that quickly.Copy !req
635. I know. I ovulated yesterday,Copy !req
636. and I felt the implantation today.Copy !req
637. - What?
- Yeah.Copy !req
638. So, obviously, Peeps for Peace is out.Copy !req
639. I'll have to go back to dealing drugs.Copy !req
640. Now that weed's legal,
guess I'll move on to oxy?Copy !req
641. No, no, no, no. No, no, no.
You were... you were so excitedCopy !req
642. about Peeps for Peace.
And-and it was such a noble decision,Copy !req
643. and-and I was so happy for you.Copy !req
644. And... Oh, my God.Copy !req
645. A spontaneous pregnancy?Copy !req
646. A-a baby?Copy !req
647. Okay.Copy !req
648. You guys got me.Copy !req
649. You got me.Copy !req
650. Who was in on this?Copy !req
651. Right.Copy !req
652. The unprotected sex and
drug storylines were my idea.Copy !req
653. I see.Copy !req
654. He got it from the series
about the teenage death pact.Copy !req
655. Eight episodes. So sad.Copy !req
656. They had to have counselors
come to the middle school.Copy !req
657. Vanessa called me after
you went to see her.Copy !req
658. So I, uh, roped Dad in and ButtfaceCopy !req
659. and hatched a plan.Copy !req
660. You got me.Copy !req
661. Mom, I know you love me.Copy !req
662. I love you, too, but... I got to go.Copy !req
663. I know.Copy !req
664. I was just... trying to buy some time.Copy !req
665. I know.Copy !req
666. I mean, come on, it
was just, like, yesterdayCopy !req
667. that you were an itty-bitty baby.Copy !req
668. And I could hold all of you in one arm.Copy !req
669. Oh, Mom.Copy !req
670. Oh, my God.Copy !req
671. I'm crying again.Copy !req
672. I-I'm good, I'm good. I'm so sorry.Copy !req
673. I just...Copy !req
674. - Oh, God...
- Oh, Mama.Copy !req
675. Don't... No, it's all good.Copy !req
676. Oh. They were all
in on it. Got me so good.Copy !req
677. I guess the olive doesn't
fall far from the tree.Copy !req
678. I don't know. Hey, this
going-away party is top-notch.Copy !req
679. It's classy. I mean, I
gotta talk to Hector's momCopy !req
680. about doing a nice soiree
like this at our place.Copy !req
681. You've got to stop
calling her "Hector's mom."Copy !req
682. You got to move out of her house.Copy !req
683. Enough. Se acabó. Basta.Copy !req
684. Well, you know what you need to do?Copy !req
685. Stop playing this old
people's music. It's fizzy.Copy !req
686. Okay, now I'm freaking out,Copy !req
687. because I thought she made that up.Copy !req
688. No, the kids do say fizzy.Copy !req
689. Rebecca's almost 30. She's not a kid.Copy !req
690. Hey!Copy !req
691. Yo, yo, yo. Where the party at?Copy !req
692. Yeah. Oh, that's my friends.Copy !req
693. I told them to come ironically early.Copy !req
694. - Hey.
- Hey.Copy !req
695. - How's it going?
- Hi. Oh, my God.Copy !req
696. - Welcome. Oh, my God.
- Thank you.Copy !req
697. You are young. You are
young. You are a fetus.Copy !req
698. Hello. Welcome. Welcome.Copy !req
699. Hi.Copy !req
700. Do you know these people?Copy !req
701. No, of course I don't know these people.Copy !req
702. Yeah.Copy !req
703. Anybody have a problem with this?Copy !req
704. No? Okay, great.Copy !req
705. - So Rebecca carried the baby...
- No, no, no.Copy !req
706. It was Heather who carried the
baby, but it was Rebecca's egg.Copy !req
707. - Uh, okay, I'll get it eventually.
- No, you're good.Copy !req
708. - I mean, probably won't, so...
- Either way.Copy !req
709. I'm gonna get a drink.
You want something?Copy !req
710. - Yeah, sure. Hey, Darryl.
- Hmm?Copy !req
711. Hey, listen, I heard what you did.Copy !req
712. And thank you for throwing
water in Josh's face.Copy !req
713. - Oh.
- Lt really helped himCopy !req
714. get out of his kelp cocoon, you know?Copy !req
715. Oh, my God. You're
watching Gemini's Escape.Copy !req
716. - Yes. - What episode are you
on? Have you gotten to the oneCopy !req
717. with the...Copy !req
718. Blink twice if you know what I'm saying.Copy !req
719. Oh! I know.Copy !req
720. - Let's get something to drink.
- Yeah.Copy !req
721. I think you need it.Copy !req
722. - Should I turn it up?
- Yeah.Copy !req
723. Hey, uh, do you mind?
I kind of, like, curated a playlist.Copy !req
724. - Can you, like, turn it down at least?
- Hey.Copy !req
725. - Or, like...
- Heather, Heather, hey.Copy !req
726. Um, oh, my God. You're kind
of embarrassing me right now.Copy !req
727. These are my guests,Copy !req
728. and they can do whatever
they want, right?Copy !req
729. So go pay your taxesCopy !req
730. or trim your ear hair
or something, okrrr?Copy !req
731. Okay, um, it's your house now,Copy !req
732. so...Copy !req
733. Okay.Copy !req
734. Oh, my God, I love this song.Copy !req
735. Is this Halsey? It's not?Copy !req
736. Yeah, okay, I love this song!Copy !req
737. What's it called?Copy !req
738. "Endless Verses"? Huh?Copy !req
739. "Waiting for the Chorus"?Copy !req
740. "Only the Bad Parts of a Song"?Copy !req
741. Mm!Copy !req
742. Okay.Copy !req
743. Cool, more people.Copy !req
744. Oh, yeah!Copy !req
745. I'm cool with this.Copy !req
746. Yeah! Come in.Copy !req
747. I'm glad a fire
marshal's not here, right?Copy !req
748. 'Cause otherwise we'd be in trouble.Copy !req
749. Okay, you go have sex now.Copy !req
750. It's fine, it's fine. I
got no responsibilities.Copy !req
751. Spill red wine on my
rug. Clog my toilet.Copy !req
752. Stick your dirty fingers
in the ice machineCopy !req
753. in my new refrigerator, huh?Copy !req
754. Wait.Copy !req
755. Wait.Copy !req
756. No.Copy !req
757. Someone dented my new refrigerator?Copy !req
758. Okay!Copy !req
759. Young people are the worst!Copy !req
760. Attention!Copy !req
761. If you are too youngCopy !req
762. to have watched the original Full House,Copy !req
763. get out!Copy !req
764. Oh, my God.Copy !req
765. Nick at Nite doesn't count.Copy !req
766. Get out. Just go. Go. Get out.Copy !req
767. That is mine. Monsters.Copy !req
768. Go. Go. Get out!Copy !req
769. Oh, my God, I can't believe I
ruined your good-bye party.Copy !req
770. I continue to be horrible.Copy !req
771. Seriously, if I weren't
me, I wouldn't talk to me.Copy !req
772. Yeah, you were pretty terrible.Copy !req
773. And a very unconvincing young person.Copy !req
774. Like, were you born 40?Copy !req
775. The thing is, when you
told me your good news,Copy !req
776. I wanted to be happy for you,Copy !req
777. but instead I just felt
self-hating and competitive,Copy !req
778. which I know is wrong.Copy !req
779. But I feel behind.Copy !req
780. You know, you guys
have everything all set.Copy !req
781. You got it all figured out.Copy !req
782. Set?Copy !req
783. I'm nervous as hell.
I'm going to a new cityCopy !req
784. and a new job with a new relationship.Copy !req
785. - I'm hella scared.
- Yeah, me, too.Copy !req
786. I hate a commute.Copy !req
787. And also, randomly I'm married?Copy !req
788. Like, what?Copy !req
789. God, I'm so sorry for being so selfish.Copy !req
790. You were heinous,Copy !req
791. but everyone's frizzy sometimes.Copy !req
792. Is it frizzy or fizzy? What?Copy !req
793. It doesn't matter. I made it
up, and it somehow took off.Copy !req
794. God. I really backslid this week.Copy !req
795. I guess I got to up my therapy sessions
and go back to group.Copy !req
796. I haven't been to group in a long time.Copy !req
797. Look, Rebecca, I get why
you're down on yourself.Copy !req
798. But...Copy !req
799. I mean, honestly, I can't pictureCopy !req
800. what my life would be like without you.Copy !req
801. I never would have met Hector,Copy !req
802. a-and I wouldn't have gone
for my supercool corporate job.Copy !req
803. Yeah, and if it wasn't for you,Copy !req
804. I wouldn't have my cool
job and awesome girlfriendCopy !req
805. if you hadn't broken up me and Josh.Copy !req
806. Yeah, and I wouldn't be
anywhere near law school, so duh.Copy !req
807. Because of me? Really?Copy !req
808. Mm-hmm. So we forgive you.Copy !req
809. - For a lot.
- A lot.Copy !req
810. Actually, can I ask you a favor?Copy !req
811. Will you take temporary
custody of Estrella?Copy !req
812. She and Hector don't get along,Copy !req
813. and she's so happy here.Copy !req
814. You would trust me with your starfish?Copy !req
815. Heather, I will guard her with my life.Copy !req
816. Oh, my God, I love you guys so much.Copy !req
817. And we'll-we'll...Copy !req
818. we'll keep in touch, right?Copy !req
819. Oh, of course we will.
I mean, definitely we will.Copy !req
820. Not like you guysCopy !req
821. are moving to Botswana.Copy !req
822. - Wow, is that really where he's going?
- Yeah.Copy !req
823. Yeah. I looked on a globe,Copy !req
824. - and it's, like, you know, here.
- Oh, Paula.Copy !req
825. I'm so s... Excited for him and for you.Copy !req
826. Paula, you know that we love you
and we're here for you.Copy !req
827. Yeah, I know. We'll all
be here for each other.Copy !req
828. Yeah, girl group is "forevah."Copy !req
829. - And "evah."
- And "evah."Copy !req
830. - And "evah."
- Cheers.Copy !req
831. Well... I should go,Copy !req
832. because I only have a
little time left with him.Copy !req
833. So... No, no, no. Good night.Copy !req
834. Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye.Copy !req
835. And now she's stuck with Tommy.Copy !req
836. You gonna be okay?Copy !req
837. Oh, yeah. It's just amazingCopy !req
838. that this is how everything turned out.Copy !req
839. - Yeah.
- I mean, you're everything I ever hopedCopy !req
840. you would be, but...Copy !req
841. nothing like I actually
thought you would be.Copy !req
842. What, Mom?Copy !req
843. It'll be okay.Copy !req
844. I love you, Mom. I love you, too.Copy !req