1. Previously
on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...
Do you know any good therapists?Copy !req
2. Josh, it's not about checking
a box and getting a fancy labelCopy !req
3. for what's
bothering you.Copy !req
4. Look within.Copy !req
5. I still love you, Nathaniel,Copy !req
6. but I meant what I said
in the courtroom.Copy !req
7. You know? About being a better
person— I want to do that.Copy !req
8. Can you stop overthinking
everything?Copy !req
9. Okay, I'm not
overthinking things.Copy !req
10. I'm trying to be a good person.
Really?Copy !req
11. Because from where I'm sitting,
every time we're happy,Copy !req
12. you try to ruin it.Copy !req
13. I don't know how
insurance works.Copy !req
14. Me neither.Copy !req
15. We can figure
those things out.Copy !req
16. Me and you.Copy !req
17. We'd like to offer
you the positionCopy !req
18. of junior partner.Copy !req
19. This is objectivelyCopy !req
20. fantastic, right? Wow.Copy !req
21. Wow, wow, wow, wow.Copy !req
22. Wow. I am sorry,
I just need to get a smoothie.Copy !req
23. I didn't have any breakfast,
and I-I get weirdCopy !req
24. Where are
you going?
when I don't have protein.Copy !req
25. I'm just... I was going to...Copy !req
26. I'm just going
to the deli on Broadway.Copy !req
27. You like to work? That's
the first I've heard of it.Copy !req
28. Uh, I got a hop off. I'm really
working hard here. Bye.Copy !req
29. So, I cannot be here today,Copy !req
30. but let's reconnect tomorrow
and get to know each other.Copy !req
31. Can we get back to work,
or am I boring you?Copy !req
32. Let's just do this
stupid meetingCopy !req
33. with these stupid clients!Copy !req
34. I live in this park.Copy !req
35. Hey, Rebecca. Hey.Copy !req
36. How'd it go?Copy !req
37. A bar association
is no joke, man.Copy !req
38. It's a long line of
identical-looking old white men,Copy !req
39. all with this look
on their face. (growls)Copy !req
40. Okay, so, what did they say?Copy !req
41. Well, they said, "Uh, thank you
for your answers, Miss Bunch.Copy !req
42. "We will review your case
and notify you next weekCopy !req
43. "via a registered letter aboutCopy !req
44. whether you can still
practice law."Copy !req
45. Oh, I'm not worried.Copy !req
46. Look, they won't
disbar you.Copy !req
47. The criminal charges
against you were dropped.Copy !req
48. That hearing was
just a formality.Copy !req
49. You think?
Yeah. I'm sure.
In the meantime,Copy !req
50. you have got to come
back to Whitefeather.Copy !req
51. I mean...
MountainTop.Copy !req
52. My God, that name
is such a barf.Copy !req
53. Bert's a kook.
Tim's an idiot.Copy !req
54. Darryl's still on
paternity leave.Copy !req
55. Jim has disappeared,
like, poof.Copy !req
56. And Nathaniel is just
stomping around the officeCopy !req
57. like a sad, handsome baby.Copy !req
58. Rebecca, we really
need you at work.Copy !req
59. Do you want to go back to work?Copy !req
60. Yeah, I do.Copy !req
61. I'm great at it.
Plus, I hadCopy !req
62. a tapeworm in jail, so...
I'm looking pretty fit.Copy !req
63. So, yeah, yeah, I'm ready.Copy !req
64. I'm gonna walk
in that building,Copy !req
65. go to the coffee shop
in the lobbyCopy !req
66. and tell Martin to fire upCopy !req
67. my usual supersweet latte with
extra soy foam for my tapeworm.Copy !req
68. Okay.Copy !req
69. Because you know you
don't have to be a lawyer.Copy !req
70. There are other fields.Copy !req
71. Other fields?
Nah, I think the ship sailedCopy !req
72. on that a long time ago.Copy !req
73. I just want you to be mindfulCopy !req
74. about what makes you
truly happy.
Got it.Copy !req
75. It's a good note, it's a good
note. I will keep that in mindCopy !req
76. as I go back to the only thingCopy !req
77. anyone has ever paid me
or valued me for.Copy !req
78. Josh?Copy !req
79. Hey, Rebecca.Copy !req
80. Hey.
What are you doing here?Copy !req
81. Well, I'm in therapy.Copy !req
82. Wait.Copy !req
83. Josh Chan is in therapy?Copy !req
84. Double wait.Copy !req
85. You go to my shrink?Copy !req
86. Oh, I-I go to her
husband, Davit.Copy !req
87. He has better Yelp
reviews, actually.Copy !req
88. Oh, that's on me.Copy !req
89. I left some bad reviews on her
when I was spiraling.Copy !req
90. A lot of fake accounts.
It was a dark time.
Oh.Copy !req
91. I should delete those.Copy !req
92. Yeah. Maybe.
Anyway, um...Copy !req
93. Oh, my God.
Good for you.Copy !req
94. Josh Chan in therapy.Copy !req
95. (chuckles)
Gettin' deep.Copy !req
96. Um...Copy !req
97. Actually, do you have a...
do you have a s-second?Copy !req
98. Yeah, please.
You probably know this,
but I've been tryingCopy !req
99. to take responsibility
for things, and...Copy !req
100. I've been trying to findCopy !req
101. the right time
to tell you that...Copy !req
102. what I've done to you
the last couple of yearsCopy !req
103. is... awful.Copy !req
104. It's some of the worst stuff
I've ever done to anyone.Copy !req
105. It was stalking.
It's inexcusable.Copy !req
106. And if I'd been a man,Copy !req
107. I would have been in jail
a lot sooner.Copy !req
108. I-I appreciate you
saying that, Becks.Copy !req
109. Um, I've been meaning
to talk to youCopy !req
110. about some of the
things I did, also.Copy !req
111. Hmm?Copy !req
112. Like, when I
moved in with youCopy !req
113. but acted like
we were casual...Copy !req
114. that was gaslighting.Copy !req
115. You know what?
We both made mistakes.Copy !req
116. What matters is
you're getting support now.Copy !req
117. And I'm so happy for you.
Yeah.Copy !req
118. I am. And-and, uh, you know, I'm
also learning to look within,Copy !req
119. understand my emotions.Copy !req
120. Um, I-I recentlyCopy !req
121. made a big decision.Copy !req
122. Are you finally moving out
of Hector's mom's house?Copy !req
123. No. She's awesome.Copy !req
124. I'm starting to date.Copy !req
125. Oh.
I'm gonna go
on the apps.Copy !req
126. (chuckles)
Oh.Copy !req
127. I'm looking for a
real relationship.Copy !req
128. Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.Copy !req
129. I... Should I have
told you that?Copy !req
130. Is that weird?
Oh, my God. No.Copy !req
131. Not weird at all.Copy !req
132. In fact, I'm gonna need
the deets on that.Copy !req
133. (laughs)
No. Because there's
going to beCopy !req
134. a feeding frenzy
in the Cov.Copy !req
135. Don't. Oh, my God.
Josh Chan's on the apps?Copy !req
136. Like, people's brains
are gonna explode.Copy !req
137. Hey. Like, no judgment,
like, at all,Copy !req
138. but why is your shoe off in
my public eating establishment?Copy !req
139. My shoe hurts.
Mm.Copy !req
140. I smashed my toe
surfing Little Dume,Copy !req
141. and now look.Copy !req
142. Got a big hole in my toe.Copy !req
143. Uh, that's really gross.Copy !req
144. You need to call your doctor,
like, right now.Copy !req
145. No, I'm fine.
No, baby, call him.Copy !req
146. I don't want baby
to lose a toe.Copy !req
147. I love baby's toes.Copy !req
148. And baby's hairless arms.Copy !req
149. And baby.Copy !req
150. Aw.Copy !req
151. I love you, too,
kitty cat.Copy !req
152. Meow, meow, meow.Copy !req
153. Meow.
Meow.Copy !req
154. Meow.
Meow.Copy !req
155. Aw...Copy !req
156. Back to Whitefeather,
everybody.Copy !req
157. Martin, fire up
the bean machine.Copy !req
158. Me and my big ol' worm
are thirsty!Copy !req
159. Gasp.Copy !req
160. Hi.Copy !req
161. What is this place?Copy !req
162. It's a 1920s speakeasy.Copy !req
163. No, it's not. It's a
corporately-owned pretzel store.Copy !req
164. That just appeared in my lobby?
Hey, wait.Copy !req
165. You look familiar.
Why is that?Copy !req
166. I...Copy !req
167. Jim? Jim, What are
you doing down here?Copy !req
168. I own this place.Copy !req
169. No, you don't.
You're a lawyer, like me.Copy !req
170. He's a lawyer,
like me.
Not anymore. I quit the law.Copy !req
171. What? You...
No, no, you can't do that.Copy !req
172. I can and I did.Copy !req
173. I got sick of it.Copy !req
174. Plus, uh, Pretzel Central
was recruiting branch owners,Copy !req
175. and the coffee shop that was
here closed, so here I am.Copy !req
176. Huh. Wow.Copy !req
177. So you're just gonna throw away
all those years of law school,Copy !req
178. all that time
studying for the bar,Copy !req
179. all that time taking the bar...
I know the process
to become a lawyer—Copy !req
180. I just don't want to do
it anymore. It sucks.Copy !req
181. AJ:
I'm with her.Copy !req
182. It's dumb
to quit being a lawyer.Copy !req
183. I'm majoring in pre-law myself.Copy !req
184. Oh, no,
no, no.Copy !req
185. Bad idea. Trust me.Copy !req
186. Being a lawyer is the worst.Copy !req
187. Now, stand back and let me
tell you my tale of woe.Copy !req
188. What about human rights law?Copy !req
189. Environmental law?Copy !req
190. Immigration law?Copy !req
191. Okay, but what if one day you
make it to the Supreme Court?Copy !req
192. The preceding song
in no way reflects the viewsCopy !req
193. of CBS and the CW Network.Copy !req
194. Aw, screw it.Copy !req
195. Aah!Copy !req
196. See?Copy !req
197. AJ, don't listen to him.Copy !req
198. Being a lawyer is...Copy !req
199. perfectly fine.Copy !req
200. Now, I would like a pretzel to
go on my way up to my legal job,Copy !req
201. which is... fine.Copy !req
202. Cinnamon, please.Copy !req
203. Okay.Copy !req
204. Wait, I know how I know you.Copy !req
205. You're the Rooftop Killer.Copy !req
206. I dressed as you for Halloween.Copy !req
207. Wait, you did?
Mm.Copy !req
208. What did you wear?Copy !req
209. Some white girl crap.Copy !req
210. That tracks.Copy !req
211. Thank you.Copy !req
212. (sniffing)
Mmm.Copy !req
213. Mmm.Copy !req
214. Hi, everyone. I'm back.
Hello, Rebecca.Copy !req
215. Glad you're not locked
in the slammer anymore.
Mmm.Copy !req
216. I wanted to let you know about
a few changes around here...Copy !req
217. Oh, don't worry.
Paula filled me in.Copy !req
218. Uh, it's called MountainTop now.
Cool sign, bruh.Copy !req
219. Thank you.Copy !req
220. Hi, Nathaniel.Copy !req
221. Oh, that's his sad baby walk.Copy !req
222. Oh, boy.Copy !req
223. He hates Bert.Copy !req
224. What?
And then he found out
you were coming backCopy !req
225. and went on, like,
a silent strikeCopy !req
226. and is all upset
'cause no one cares.Copy !req
227. It's adorable.Copy !req
228. He got blinds just
for that moment.Copy !req
229. Mm.Copy !req
230. He did great.Copy !req
231. Yeah.Copy !req
232. Okay, Wendy LeGrand
is first up today.Copy !req
233. She has been asking and asking
when you're coming back.Copy !req
234. And since she is
our biggest client,Copy !req
235. it has been so hard
stalling her.Copy !req
236. Don't worry, 'cause
I'm back now, 'kay?Copy !req
237. Come on. Let's do this.Copy !req
238. Okay.Copy !req
239. Yeah.Copy !req
240. Rebecca, your absence
was certainly felt around here.Copy !req
241. While you were out,
Tim handled my account.Copy !req
242. As you can imagine, there were
significant oversights.Copy !req
243. I told you that the reason
I missed that zoning meetingCopy !req
244. is because I used to
share a watch with Jim,Copy !req
245. but he's no longer here...Copy !req
246. Shh...
Ah.Copy !req
247. Well, the good news is that
you don't need Tim anymore,Copy !req
248. because, uh,
Bunch is back, bitches!Copy !req
249. I'm not bitches.Copy !req
250. I'm one bitch. A bitch who wants
her business handled correctly.Copy !req
251. Wendy, you're absolutely right.Copy !req
252. So, I took a look
at those zoning issues.Copy !req
253. And, first of all, I have
to say, the city council'sCopy !req
254. conservation easement is, like,
one of the funniest thingsCopy !req
255. I've ever seen
in my entire life.Copy !req
256. Well, what do we do about
the open space bylaws?Copy !req
257. Bylaws? More like bye-bye, laws,Copy !req
258. because we're gonna exploit
all the loopholes like crazy.Copy !req
259. Um, in summation,
loop, there it is.Copy !req
260. Yeah. There she is.
(laughs): Yeah, that's...Copy !req
261. Don't throw it out
in here.Copy !req
262. It's a zucchini shake.Copy !req
263. It'll smell.Copy !req
264. Okay.Copy !req
265. I'm so sorry about him.Copy !req
266. Um, Wendy, I'm here for you now.
You don't have to worry anymore.Copy !req
267. This is what I do.
It's what I'm good at.Copy !req
268. Oh, my God, Rebecca, you
handled that meeting so well.Copy !req
269. Oh, it's so great
to have you back.Copy !req
270. It's like you never left.Copy !req
271. You just got right back
in the swing of things.Copy !req
272. I knew you would.Copy !req
273. (sighs)
Thank you.Copy !req
274. Yeah.Copy !req
275. I mean, I'm back at work,
and I'm already...Copy !req
276. crushin' it.Copy !req
277. Wow.Copy !req
278. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.Copy !req
279. This is great. Wow, wow.Copy !req
280. This is fantastic. Right?Copy !req
281. I know.Copy !req
282. It's objectively f...Copy !req
283. this is objectively fantastic.Copy !req
284. Like, on paper,
fantastic, right?Copy !req
285. Wow. Wow, wow,
wow, wow, wow.Copy !req
286. Rebecca?Copy !req
287. I'm sorry.Copy !req
288. I just need
to go get a smoothie.Copy !req
289. I didn't eat
breakfast,Copy !req
290. and I get... I get weird
when I don't have protein.Copy !req
291. So, I'm just gonna go grab
something to eat.Copy !req
292. Hey. Are you hiring?Copy !req
293. So, do you, like,
still dance hip-hop?Copy !req
294. You were so amazing
in high school.Copy !req
295. You did that one Usher medley.
Oh, my God,
(exhales) Yeah.Copy !req
296. I still think about it.
(chuckles)
Really?Copy !req
297. Like, a lot.
(chuckles)Copy !req
298. I-I dance sometimes.Copy !req
299. For a while, I was a
go-go dancer at Aluminum.Copy !req
300. Like, the gay bar?Copy !req
301. Yeah.
Hmm.Copy !req
302. That's cool.
I've been to, like,Copy !req
303. eight bachelorettes there.Copy !req
304. That was after I left
the priesthoodCopy !req
305. and before I started
living with Hector's mom.Copy !req
306. Sorry, Hector's... mom?
Uh-huh.Copy !req
307. Do you guys, like, hook up?Copy !req
308. What? No.
(chuckles)Copy !req
309. We're just roommates.
Although my therapist saysCopy !req
310. she might be fulfilling
a larger role in my life.
Okay,Copy !req
311. wait, Josh Chan is in therapy?
I mean, I knew you dated thatCopy !req
312. crazy girl, but I didn't know
that you might be crazy, too.Copy !req
313. (gasps)
Oh, my God.Copy !req
314. Are you, like, schizo?
No.Copy !req
315. I-I'm just introspective.Copy !req
316. Uh-huh.Copy !req
317. Cool.Copy !req
318. Cool.Copy !req
319. Oh! Hey! My phone.
Uh, it's buzzing.Copy !req
320. Hello?Copy !req
321. Oh, you're here?
(sighs)Copy !req
322. Sorry, my Uber's outside.Copy !req
323. Um, wait, when
did you call them?Copy !req
324. Oh, I didn't.
They called me.Copy !req
325. They do that now. They call
to see if you need a ride.Copy !req
326. Uh, yeah,
I'm at Home Base.Copy !req
327. I'll be right out.Copy !req
328. Sorry, got to protect my rating.Copy !req
329. You get it.
Yeah.Copy !req
330. Totally. Um...Copy !req
331. It-it was nice meeting you.Copy !req
332. Uh-huh.Copy !req
333. Bye.Copy !req
334. (gasps)
Oh, hey, Jim. Jim.Copy !req
335. Okay, you'll never guess
what happened.Copy !req
336. So, three people came in,
and they ordered pretzels.Copy !req
337. They ordered plain,
cinnamon, and jalapeño.Copy !req
338. And I got them the pretzels.
And I gave them the pretzels.Copy !req
339. And they bit into
the pretzels...Copy !req
340. and they were truly happy.Copy !req
341. Like, that's what
happy looks like.Copy !req
342. She also forgot
to charge them.Copy !req
343. I paid for them myself.Copy !req
344. AJ, don't be a narc.Copy !req
345. I'm sorry. I'm just still
so confused that you work here.Copy !req
346. It is temporary.
(elevator dings)Copy !req
347. Um, honey,Copy !req
348. I got a text from JimCopy !req
349. that you're working here?Copy !req
350. I was going to text
you myself, Paula.Copy !req
351. So... I went back up to work,
and something felt off.Copy !req
352. And I realized it's because
I don't know if I'm gonnaCopy !req
353. be disbarred yet.
I'm waitingCopy !req
354. for that letter from
the bar association,Copy !req
355. and it feels unethical.
You get it.Copy !req
356. Yeah. Okay.Copy !req
357. But Wendy's coming back
for another meeting.Copy !req
358. What do I tell her?Copy !req
359. Tell her that I'm
working here for a whileCopy !req
360. and she can come by for
a cinnamon on the house.Copy !req
361. We don't give people things
on the house. No.
(sighs)Copy !req
362. Oh, hey, Jim.
Miss you upstairs.Copy !req
363. Really?
No.Copy !req
364. Rebecca, I am not bringing
Wendy by for a pretzel.Copy !req
365. In fact, if she walks by
and sees you here,Copy !req
366. I'm gonna tell her
that you have a dumb twin sisterCopy !req
367. who works
at a stupid pretzel shop.Copy !req
368. So, I sent a picture
of my toe to my doctor.Copy !req
369. And he said
go to the emergency room.Copy !req
370. Okay. That's what I thought.
Let's go.Copy !req
371. Wait, are you insane?Copy !req
372. It costs $300
to text a doctor.Copy !req
373. An emergency room visit
will cost thousands of dollars,Copy !req
374. and I have
no health insurance. I...Copy !req
375. Right. So just
use my insurance.Copy !req
376. I can't. We're not related.Copy !req
377. Right. So let's
just get married.Copy !req
378. What?Copy !req
379. I mean, toe aside,Copy !req
380. just seems easier
all around, so...Copy !req
381. what do you think?Copy !req
382. What?Copy !req
383. What?Copy !req
384. I think it's
a great idea.Copy !req
385. I have a lunch break, too.Copy !req
386. You want to go?Copy !req
387. I do.Copy !req
388. I do.Copy !req
389. Congratulations.Copy !req
390. You're married.Copy !req
391. That's it?Copy !req
392. It's over?Copy !req
393. Or just beginning.Copy !req
394. Good luck with your toe.Copy !req
395. You're so beautiful.Copy !req
396. (chuckles)
Stop.Copy !req
397. I'm so happy.
(sniffles)Copy !req
398. I love you so much.Copy !req
399. Baby, me, too.
(chuckles, sniffles)Copy !req
400. Okay, now I'm crying.Copy !req
401. I love sugar.
I love the sugar.Copy !req
402. I love doing the sugar.Copy !req
403. Dibs on the sugars. 'Kay.Copy !req
404. Whoa.Copy !req
405. It's true.
You really do work here. Cool.Copy !req
406. Yeah, yeah.
For a little-little while.Copy !req
407. Hey, how's the dating going?Copy !req
408. Give me the update on the apps.Copy !req
409. The "appdate."
(chuckles)Copy !req
410. (sighs)
It's not been going great.Copy !req
411. Well, maybe you're swiping
the wrong people.Copy !req
412. Let me help.Copy !req
413. I have amazing taste in people.
Is that true?Copy !req
414. Definitely not. But
I want to swipe. Come on.Copy !req
415. All right. Oh.Copy !req
416. Okay, well, this is easy.Copy !req
417. First of all, we're
gonna reject anyoneCopy !req
418. from University of
Blank or Blank State.Copy !req
419. So good-bye, University of Ohio,Copy !req
420. Florida, Arizona State...Copy !req
421. Go, Sun Devils!Copy !req
422. Is that Jim?Copy !req
423. Yeah, he's my boss now.
It's... Don't ask. Okay...Copy !req
424. Wait, wait. Who-who cares
where someone went to college?Copy !req
425. Oh. Once I loved you.Copy !req
426. Amazing.Copy !req
427. Mm, all right.
Oh, here's a girl. Zoe.Copy !req
428. Huh. She went to Brown,Copy !req
429. which, normally,
I'd say, "Blah."Copy !req
430. But she studied art history,Copy !req
431. and I happen to know Brown has
a good art history program.Copy !req
432. I feel good
about Zoe.Copy !req
433. I think she's gonna get you.
She's gonna get you, Josh.Copy !req
434. And you matched. Already.Copy !req
435. Am I smart enough for her?Copy !req
436. Yes.Copy !req
437. You are perceptive and kind,Copy !req
438. and that's a very valuable
type of intelligence.Copy !req
439. Trust me,
it'll beCopy !req
440. Louvre at first sight.Copy !req
441. (chuckles)
Louvre.Copy !req
442. (chuckles)
Good one.Copy !req
443. Nathaniel, glad you're here.Copy !req
444. What do you think about
Rebecca's easement proposal?Copy !req
445. I'm sorry.Copy !req
446. I-It's a whole thing.Copy !req
447. Fine with me.
Eye candy. Doesn't talk.Copy !req
448. That works.Copy !req
449. Where's Rebecca?Copy !req
450. She is...Copy !req
451. She works at a pretzel
shop downstairs.Copy !req
452. Who are you,
Narc Twain?Copy !req
453. She doesn't work there.Copy !req
454. Um, she's just having
a little funCopy !req
455. till she comes back
full-time.Copy !req
456. It's like a...
a-a tiny gap year.Copy !req
457. (gasps) A gap year.
I did one of those.Copy !req
458. So did Malia Obama.Copy !req
459. She went to South
and Central AmericaCopy !req
460. and learned a lot about herself.Copy !req
461. I went to Arkansas to help
my aunt raise her five kidsCopy !req
462. after her husband put a gun
in his mouth.Copy !req
463. I learned a lot
about myself, too.Copy !req
464. My tubes are tied.Copy !req
465. Who is working on my case?Copy !req
466. Miss LeGrand, do not worry.Copy !req
467. Your case is
of the utmost importance.Copy !req
468. Great. You know what's also
of the utmost importance?Copy !req
469. That Rebecca come back. Now.Copy !req
470. Yes.Copy !req
471. I... am an artist.Copy !req
472. Okay, Jim, I went to the market,
and I got some new ingredientsCopy !req
473. to make these
exciting new flavors.Copy !req
474. We got chocolate peanut butter,
vanilla lavender,Copy !req
475. and honey bacon.Copy !req
476. Uh, that one's not kosher.
(laughs)Copy !req
477. They're all not kosher.Copy !req
478. Corporate won't let us
do new flavors.Copy !req
479. I can't even put extra salt
on a pretzel.Copy !req
480. They're really strict about what
we can and can't sell.Copy !req
481. Yeah, I worked atCopy !req
482. the Pretzel Central in
Claremont. The owner thereCopy !req
483. put extra frosting on
his almond pretzels.Copy !req
484. He got banned
from the franchiseCopy !req
485. and excommunicated
from the church.Copy !req
486. They have so much pull.Copy !req
487. Oh, I'm sorry.Copy !req
488. I've already been selling these.Copy !req
489. Forgot to tell you.
Love you.Copy !req
490. But really, they've been
selling like hotcakes,Copy !req
491. which is funny
'cause they're pretzels.Copy !req
492. Whoa, new idea.
Hotcake pretzels.Copy !req
493. No, no, no. No, no, you
can't do that. If it'sCopy !req
494. not approved by corporate,
it could get me shut down.Copy !req
495. I'm scared of those people,
and I like to follow rules.
Jim.Copy !req
496. Who's gonna tell 'em?Copy !req
497. Narc Zuckerberg over here?
Maybe.Copy !req
498. Do you have a notebook where
you're brainstorming narc puns?Copy !req
499. Maybe. Jim, don't forgetCopy !req
500. your mission, why you're
doing this in the first place.Copy !req
501. You're striking out on your own.Copy !req
502. And I'm right by your side, pal.
We're gonna forge our own path.Copy !req
503. I'm just trying
to be a small business owner.Copy !req
504. Boo, you got to get it together.Copy !req
505. Just follow the rules.Copy !req
506. You're worrying me.Copy !req
507. Svalbard.Copy !req
508. A Norwegian archipelago nestledCopy !req
509. in the Arctic Ocean
and the birthplaceCopy !req
510. of the Scandinavian
primitivist movement.Copy !req
511. Wake up, Josh!Copy !req
512. Rebecca was lying to you.Copy !req
513. Zoe is never going to like you
unless you learn some art.Copy !req
514. Now, look alive, young chap.Copy !req
515. I'm not reading this
for my health.Copy !req
516. I already know what it says.
I wrote it.Copy !req
517. Okay, okay, you're right.
I-I'm sorry.Copy !req
518. Now I have to start over.Copy !req
519. Bollocks.Copy !req
520. Okay. Svalbard.
A Norwegian archipelagoCopy !req
521. nestled in the Arctic Ocean...Copy !req
522. Hey, Cookie?Copy !req
523. I don't mean to bother you,
'cause I knowCopy !req
524. you're enjoying yourself,
but have youCopy !req
525. gotten that
bar association letter?Copy !req
526. Can you come back to work?
Like, now?Copy !req
527. Wendy, w-wait, hold on a second.Copy !req
528. Oh, hey.
Look who's here.Copy !req
529. It's our big client, Wendy.Copy !req
530. And we're
here with ourCopy !req
531. most important client,
here at Pretzel Central.Copy !req
532. (whispers): I'm so sorry.
I-I tried to stop her,Copy !req
533. but, of course,
I couldn't put hands on her,Copy !req
534. so I tried to control
her movements with my eyes,Copy !req
535. but I seem
to have lost my powers.Copy !req
536. I had to see this for myself.
This is insane.Copy !req
537. Rebecca,Copy !req
538. that apron makes you look...Copy !req
539. Pretty?Copy !req
540. Poor.Copy !req
541. Guys, I'm fine.
And Wendy,Copy !req
542. I will be back
before you know it,Copy !req
543. and then you and I
can take that easementCopy !req
544. and make angry love to it.Copy !req
545. AJ: Here.
Yeah, this one's
on the house.Copy !req
546. Let's go.
All right.Copy !req
547. AJ:
So,Copy !req
548. when are you gonna tell them you
got the letter and you're freeCopy !req
549. to practice law?Copy !req
550. How do you know about
that, Narcer Posey?Copy !req
551. Aah! Whoa. (laughs)Copy !req
552. Whoa.
Yeah!Copy !req
553. Welcome home, my bride.Copy !req
554. Oh.Copy !req
555. Wow, bride.Copy !req
556. We're married.
I know.Copy !req
557. Right?
So, I was thinkingCopy !req
558. for the actual wedding
we can do doves.Copy !req
559. I was thinking lots of flowers.Copy !req
560. I was thinking my abuela
can do a hymn.Copy !req
561. Wedding?
We already had a wedding.Copy !req
562. I know. And-and it was sweet.
Mm-hmm.Copy !req
563. But now we can have
a real weddingCopy !req
564. with the people we love.Copy !req
565. Oh, you're one of those.Copy !req
566. You mean a person?Copy !req
567. Well...
Heather, I've been thinkingCopy !req
568. about our wedding
for a while now.Copy !req
569. Like, before the toe proposal.Copy !req
570. I want a real wedding.Copy !req
571. You in a white dress,
and me in a tux.
(chuckles)Copy !req
572. In a church.
Hector.Copy !req
573. Come on, we don't need
to make our loveCopy !req
574. into some big production.Copy !req
575. I mean, our culture
turns human emotionCopy !req
576. into some consumer trade show.Copy !req
577. Our love, our
actual love,Copy !req
578. is better than
waffle makersCopy !req
579. and ice cream makers
and pasta machines.Copy !req
580. By the way, I'm so starving.Copy !req
581. But that's not, like,
who we are. Right?Copy !req
582. No, I guess not.Copy !req
583. I guess...Copy !req
584. you know, I guess we can wait.Copy !req
585. And-and maybe
for our ten-year anniversary,Copy !req
586. we can renew our vowsCopy !req
587. and do a small barbecue.Copy !req
588. Thank you.
That sounds perfect.Copy !req
589. Yep.Copy !req
590. You get it.Copy !req
591. How do you know I gotCopy !req
592. the letter from the
bar association?Copy !req
593. You threw it in the garbage.Copy !req
594. So you just picked it up?Copy !req
595. No. I picked it up and read it.Copy !req
596. Congratulations.Copy !req
597. You can practice law again.Copy !req
598. Look, don't tell anybody.
Please.Copy !req
599. Please. Be my hero.Copy !req
600. Be my Joan of No-Narc.Copy !req
601. Wow, you reallyCopy !req
602. don't want to be a lawyer,
do you?Copy !req
603. Well, what are you gonna do—
stay in this pretzel shopCopy !req
604. forever?
I don't know
what I'm gonna do.Copy !req
605. What do you guys
think I should do?Copy !req
606. You know me better than anyone.Copy !req
607. You've been with me
since I got here.Copy !req
608. What am I doing,
talking to pretzels?Copy !req
609. Ugh, tell me about it.Copy !req
610. Ah...Copy !req
611. the age-old question:Copy !req
612. pretzels or law?Copy !req
613. Pretzels or law?Copy !req
614. You know, I think that guy at
the church owes me a favor.Copy !req
615. Oh, hey.
Heya.Copy !req
616. Hey.
Hello, friends. Wait. No.Copy !req
617. What's going on here?
What's up?Copy !req
618. What's up is you got married and
didn't want to have a wedding?Copy !req
619. That's like getting married and
not wanting to have a wedding.Copy !req
620. How did you know I got married?Copy !req
621. The judge tagged you
on Instagram.Copy !req
622. Also, Hector told us.Copy !req
623. Okay, well, look,
our wedding is private.Copy !req
624. No. Body parts are private.Copy !req
625. Weddings are for everybody.Copy !req
626. Okay, I'm really regretting
giving you a key.Copy !req
627. Also, did Hector
ask you to come here?Copy !req
628. Actually, after your
sad court ceremony,Copy !req
629. he did call and ask
us to plan something.Copy !req
630. And then he said you
didn't want to do it.Copy !req
631. He said that you
talked him out of it.Copy !req
632. No, that's not what happened.
We had a discussionCopy !req
633. and decided to do our own thing
and just follow our own path.Copy !req
634. Our path?
Sounds like your path.Copy !req
635. Look, I careCopy !req
636. about Hector and his happiness.Copy !req
637. Yeah, I can't say that
with a straight face.Copy !req
638. We just need a beautiful
couple for our website.Copy !req
639. Okay? We keep doing weddings
for some real uggos.Copy !req
640. She's right.
It's a nightmare.Copy !req
641. It's like
we're attracting them.Copy !req
642. Yeah, it's like, some peopleCopy !req
643. should legally
not be allowed to get married.Copy !req
644. What?Copy !req
645. Mm...Copy !req
646. I mean, I like impressionismCopy !req
647. because it disrupted
the aestheticCopy !req
648. of the overly
realistic paintingsCopy !req
649. that were being shown in the
Salon in Paris at the time,Copy !req
650. which was not a hair salon,
by the way. (laughs)Copy !req
651. Huh. I actually think
that's an unfair generalizationCopy !req
652. of the Academy painters
of the late 19th century.Copy !req
653. (scoffs) Yeah.Copy !req
654. (laughs)
(laughs) Um, sorry.Copy !req
655. I wasn't expecting you
to disagree with my statement,Copy !req
656. which I had perceived as fact.Copy !req
657. Josh, can I stop you?Copy !req
658. I appreciate your effort,Copy !req
659. but I didn't come on this dateCopy !req
660. to talk about art.Copy !req
661. But you're all about art.Copy !req
662. Not after 8:00 p.m.
After 8:00 p.m.,Copy !req
663. I am all about
shirtless deejays.Copy !req
664. Really?
Mm-hmm.Copy !req
665. Is my bro DJ Skin-manCopy !req
666. spinning tonight? Dude!Copy !req
667. (chuckles) No, um,
I meant... I meant you.Copy !req
668. Me?
Yeah.Copy !req
669. Your dating profile is
seven pictures of you shirtless.Copy !req
670. Your Instagram is you shirtless,Copy !req
671. doing karate.
You totally show off your bod.
What?Copy !req
672. That's not me showing off
my bod. Those are my hobbies.Copy !req
673. Yeah, I've been doing them
since I was a kid.Copy !req
674. I'm... My shirt is off
because I run hot.Copy !req
675. Yeah, you do run hot.Copy !req
676. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.Copy !req
677. (gasps)
Oh.Copy !req
678. (exhales)
I'm sorry.Copy !req
679. I misunderstood
what this date was.Copy !req
680. I wanted to sleep
with a hot deejay,Copy !req
681. and you wanted to talk about
the epistemological feudCopy !req
682. between Manet
and Jean-Léon Gérôme.Copy !req
683. Huh? What? No.
So confused.Copy !req
684. So you're not interested
in a relationship?Copy !req
685. Gosh, sorry.Copy !req
686. My Uber's calling. Mm.Copy !req
687. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
688. I-I just heard about that.Copy !req
689. Yeah. It's a thing.Copy !req
690. Hello. I'll be right out.Copy !req
691. Hey.Copy !req
692. Hey.Copy !req
693. Rebecca,
what are you doing here?Copy !req
694. It's from the
bar association.Copy !req
695. Ah!
This is great news!Copy !req
696. See?
I told you.Copy !req
697. You're back.Copy !req
698. You're really back.Copy !req
699. Back in action.Copy !req
700. Well, all right.
Oh...Copy !req
701. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
702. Oh, man, I'm just so happy
we can get back to work.Copy !req
703. Aren't you?Copy !req
704. Yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
705. Wendy, thrilling news:Copy !req
706. I called
the city council and saidCopy !req
707. if they didn't lift
the zoning restrictionCopy !req
708. that we would file a suit
under statute 45a.Copy !req
709. Um, so...Copy !req
710. Who let the zoning out,
yeah, yeah.Copy !req
711. This one.
(laughs)Copy !req
712. Yeah.
(phone buzzes)Copy !req
713. Uh, sorry. One s-second.Copy !req
714. You know what?Copy !req
715. I should actually take this,
it's my friendCopy !req
716. from the zoning commission.Copy !req
717. Uh, it says it's Jim.Copy !req
718. I have more than one friend
named Jim, you racist.Copy !req
719. Excuse me for one moment.Copy !req
720. Hi. What's up?
Corporate's here.Copy !req
721. They saw all the violations in
here and we're in trouble.Copy !req
722. I need you.Copy !req
723. Rebecca?Copy !req
724. You were saying?Copy !req
725. I'm sorry.
I am so sorry, sir.Copy !req
726. Hi. What's going on here?Copy !req
727. There are numerous violations
of ingredients and recipes,Copy !req
728. not to mention hair all over
your flour canister.Copy !req
729. Okay, I cannot wear a hair net,
not with this face shape.Copy !req
730. Sir, I'm an attorney.
Listen, I understandCopy !req
731. that you have a
corporately-mandated wayCopy !req
732. of doing things,
but we're just tryingCopy !req
733. to increase the profit margins.Copy !req
734. I'm sorry, who are you?Copy !req
735. Oh, she's the
Rooftop Killer.Copy !req
736. Man. Narc by Narc Jacobs.Copy !req
737. Jim, we're gonna shut you down
until you return everythingCopy !req
738. to franchise standards,
then you can reopen.Copy !req
739. Oh, my God, Jim.
Jim, I am so sorry.Copy !req
740. I-I will...
I will cover the costCopy !req
741. to turn everything back
to the way it was.Copy !req
742. (exhales)
Yeah, don't bother.Copy !req
743. I haven't had a
good experience.Copy !req
744. I don't want to be
a boss. It's awful.Copy !req
745. I want someone to tell me
where to go and what to do,Copy !req
746. then I get to complain
to my friendsCopy !req
747. and eat snacks
someone else paid for.Copy !req
748. I'm going back upstairs.Copy !req
749. Back to being a lawyer.Copy !req
750. N-n-n-n-no.
Hey, yeah, you can't.Copy !req
751. Watch me.
("Don't Be a Lawyer" plays)Copy !req
752. Hey, Becks.Copy !req
753. Oh, hi.Copy !req
754. Why would anyone eat
hard pretzels? Do you know?Copy !req
755. They're just sad little
mummified soft pretzels.Copy !req
756. Oh, how was your date?Copy !req
757. Ugh, it was awful.Copy !req
758. I did all this research
to try to impress her,Copy !req
759. but she just wanted
Josh Chan for his body.Copy !req
760. Oh, is that why you're wearing
a very oversized sweatshirt?Copy !req
761. Can you see that I'm flexing?Copy !req
762. No.
No.Copy !req
763. No, you can't, and
that's on purpose.Copy !req
764. This gun show is
closed for business.Copy !req
765. Mm.Copy !req
766. I'm so disappointed.Copy !req
767. The-the girls
from high school—Copy !req
768. they just, like,
want Josh ChanCopy !req
769. the prom king on
their Christmas card.Copy !req
770. The art historians just want
to do it with some stud.Copy !req
771. And the thing is...Copy !req
772. I don't want to be a
concept or an object.Copy !req
773. Wow, that's... that's profound.Copy !req
774. You are killing
this therapy thing.Copy !req
775. So, uh, how did the date end?Copy !req
776. Oh, her Uber called.Copy !req
777. You know how
they call you nowCopy !req
778. before you even order them just
to see if you want a ride?Copy !req
779. Oh, honey,
that makes no sense.Copy !req
780. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
781. Duh.Copy !req
782. (laughs)
That doesn't make sense.Copy !req
783. Pretzel?Copy !req
784. Uh, no, I'm good.
Okay.Copy !req
785. Rebecca, I think I know
what I have to do.Copy !req
786. Really, what's that?Copy !req
787. Stop trying to be
who someone elseCopy !req
788. wants me to be and...Copy !req
789. just try to be
who I want to be.Copy !req
790. Yeah...Copy !req
791. Yeah.Copy !req
792. That's a really good point.Copy !req
793. See?
You're smart.Copy !req
794. Hey.
Hey, honey. What's up?Copy !req
795. Hey. Come in.Copy !req
796. I want to talk to you
about something.Copy !req
797. Okay.Copy !req
798. Um...Copy !req
799. so, yeah.Copy !req
800. Uh...Copy !req
801. Paula, I...Copy !req
802. I don't want to be
a lawyer anymore.Copy !req
803. I never wanted to.Copy !req
804. It was never my dream.
It was my mother's dream.Copy !req
805. Wow.Copy !req
806. And it's your dream.Copy !req
807. It's your dream,
which is great.Copy !req
808. The profession needs
more people like you,Copy !req
809. who care about all that
hideously boring crap.Copy !req
810. Wow.Copy !req
811. So you're... never coming back
to the office?Copy !req
812. I don't think so. No.Copy !req
813. Where does that leave you?Copy !req
814. So, it wouldn't be
Pretzel Central anymore.Copy !req
815. It'd be my own thing.Copy !req
816. And I'm thinking
of calling it...Copy !req
817. Rebetzel's.Copy !req
818. Oh, I love it.Copy !req
819. You ending up owning
a pretzel shop—Copy !req
820. it feels right. It
feels like destiny,Copy !req
821. in a way.Copy !req
822. No. You know, I don't believe
in destiny anymore.Copy !req
823. I just believe inCopy !req
824. taking responsibilityCopy !req
825. for your own happiness.Copy !req
826. And right now, for me,Copy !req
827. that's my friends,Copy !req
828. volunteering at the jail,Copy !req
829. and...Copy !req
830. this pretzel shop,
as crazy as that seems.Copy !req
831. And, Paula,
I'm so sorry to leave youCopy !req
832. hanging upstairs...
Uh-uh, no, no, no.Copy !req
833. Stop. Don't apologize.Copy !req
834. As long as you are happy.Copy !req
835. That is what matters to me.Copy !req
836. (laughs)
Truly.Copy !req
837. It always has.Copy !req
838. Oh.Copy !req
839. What time is it?Copy !req
840. Tim and I started
sharing a watch.Copy !req
841. I don't know why
I agreed to that.Copy !req
842. You know, we should go.
We don't want to be late.
Okay.Copy !req
843. Hey, man.Copy !req
844. Been a while.Copy !req
845. Psyched to play ball?Copy !req
846. We're not playing ball today.Copy !req
847. We're not?Copy !req
848. Is that a tuxedo?Copy !req
849. Yeah.Copy !req
850. (sniffs)
Is that for me?Copy !req
851. Yeah.Copy !req
852. Shh!Copy !req
853. I thought you
didn't want this.Copy !req
854. I don't... but you do.Copy !req
855. And that's what matters.Copy !req
856. I love you.Copy !req
857. I love you, too.Copy !req
858. Let's do this.Copy !req
859. You may be seated.Copy !req
860. Do your thing, Brah.Copy !req
861. Roger that, Heather.Copy !req
862. But first, before we begin,Copy !req
863. Heather has asked
a good friend who isCopy !req
864. great with wordsCopy !req
865. and also very proud of where
she went to college,Copy !req
866. to say a little something.Copy !req
867. Um, I love fairy tales.Copy !req
868. And this is from
the greatest fairy taleCopy !req
869. of all time: the Bible.Copy !req
870. Oh.Copy !req
871. I made some changes
because there's always roomCopy !req
872. for improvement.Copy !req
873. (exhales)
Oh, okay.Copy !req
874. "Love is patient,Copy !req
875. "love is kind.Copy !req
876. "Love is taking your boyfriendCopy !req
877. "to the ER
for his pus-y black toe.Copy !req
878. "Love is supporting
your girlfriendCopy !req
879. "through her pregnancy
with someone else's baby.Copy !req
880. "Love is finding your own path.Copy !req
881. "When you travel
that pathCopy !req
882. "and find the one you love,Copy !req
883. you should hold on tight."Copy !req
884. Oh, God.Copy !req
885. I love her.Copy !req
886. I... I got to get her back.Copy !req
887. Oh, damn it, I talked.
(snaps fingers)Copy !req