Crazy Ex-Girlfriend 3x8

1. What?

2. Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...

3. Mr. Plimpton Sr., how wonderful to see you!

4. - Pop, you're here. - Were you asleep?

5. - Were you feeling ti-ti? - No, I was, um, I was... sick?

6. Hello, Bert.

7. How long have you been a diagnosed schizophrenic?

8. 16 years.

9. Maybe having a baby

10. started out as a whim, but it's what I want for my life now.

11. You don't want a baby, maybe not ever.

12. This is not Josh's fault.

13. It's not even about Josh.

14. Maybe it never was.

15. I'm spiraling.

16. I feel like there's no ground under me, you know?

17. I'm here for you.

18. - Whoa. Good morning. - Hi.

19. Hi, how are you?

20. I am so great.

21. Hey.

22. I have an idea.

23. Why don't you... take the day off today

24. and let's do something fun like...

25. go to Raging Waters.

26. Oh, I'd love to if water parks weren't disgusting.

27. Oh... And I have a deposition today.

28. But, then tonight, I'm taking you to a fancy dinner

29. in Beverly Hills.

30. What?

31. Yeah, I made reservations.

32. It's a bit of schlep, but...

33. Wait, since when

34. do you use the word schlep?

35. Oh, well, I've been watching a lot of Seinfeld.

36. I have a Jewish girlfriend, after all.

37. Girlfriend?

38. Wow, you are squealing a lot today.

39. Only 'cause you're such a mensch.

40. - Oh, oh, this again, okay. - Mm-hmm.

41. Oh, all right.

42. How's your shower?

43. He can't hear me, it's fine.

44. Oh, Nathan-ay-el.

45. I scooped up his shirt and I smelled it.

46. But I didn't just smell it, I-I buried my whole face in it.

47. And it smelled so good.

48. It smelled like the yummiest parts of his armpit.

49. - I wanted to live in it. - Don't panic.

50. Okay? You felt intimacy and affection, that's okay.

51. But is it, though? For me,

52. first it starts out as intimacy and affection

53. and then I get one little love kernel...

54. That's what I call them... And the next thing you know,

55. you know, I'm buying a shrub costume and hanging

56. someone's teddy bear from a closet rod by a karate belt.

57. - What? - We'll talk about that later.

58. The point is,

59. I am worried how much I'm into this guy.

60. Is it bad? Is-is-is it bad? Please tell me it's not bad.

61. It feels so good, but is it bad?

62. Rebecca, you're here.

63. You're in therapy, working hard, addressing your issues.

64. Okay, all you have to do is slow down a bit.

65. Just be mindful as you get to know Nathaniel better.

66. Okay, be mindful as I get to know him better.

67. I can do that.

68. Just one more thing.

69. Oh, lord.

70. Is it bad that I'm wearing this?

71. It's not great.

72. Hey, Darryl. You ready?

73. We got some things to go over before the deposition.

74. What is that? Is that a hooker catalog?

75. It's not safe for work, buddy.

76. Hey, while I'm busting your balls, I got to say,

77. it stinks in here.

78. The taxidermy, the hides, the feathers.

79. There's so much dead Southwestern stuff

80. here, it's like CSI: New Mexico.

81. This is my heritage.

82. Honey, if you bought it at a gas station, it ain't heritage.

83. So, can you put away the hooker book and let's go.

84. This is not a hooker book.

85. In and amongst these pages

86. is the potential mother of my child.

87. You mean, a surrogate?

88. No, the surrogate is a nice lady

89. from Chino Hills whose already done this for a few other families.

90. These are the egg donors.

91. These are the women whose DNA I'm gonna be commingling with.

92. Wow, Darryl.

93. I got to say, I am proud of you.

94. I thought after your breakup,

95. you would just dissolve into a puddle,

96. but you are forging ahead all alone.

97. That's exactly the problem.

98. I feel like I'm picking a future for this baby

99. and it's all on me.

100. What if I pick the wrong person?

101. What if I mess this up?

102. I am trying not to meddle in people's lives so much,

103. but I can see you need help.

104. Also, catalog shopping and judging people

105. are two of my best events, so...

106. why don't I just pull up a tom-tom

107. and take a look.

108. That's a priceless antique.

109. Oh, please, I know off-price retail when I see it.

110. Oh, this is easy. Here we go.

111. Okay, rapid-

112. Crooked nose, snaggletooth,

113. from Nevada, weird mole,

114. dumb scarf, likes cats,

115. dimple on one side, clearly drunk,

116. no chin, sloping chin,

117. three chins, vegetarian.

118. Oh, my God, I didn't notice all these bad things.

119. I don't want my child to go through life

120. with something like just one dimple.

121. It's already gonna have just one parent.

122. Aw, Darryl. Darryl, don't worry about that.

123. I mean, yeah, okay, they'll only have one parent,

124. but... it's a good one.

125. You think I'm a good parent?

126. I do.

127. You know, the first time I saw you with Madison,

128. you know what I thought?

129. “Oh, this is what he's good at"

130. Hey, when do we get to go through the guy catalog?

131. What do you mean?

132. I'm providing all the guy stuff.

133. Really?

134. So... all your stuff still works?

135. It's not expired?

136. Well, I don't know.

137. I mean...

138. they haven't tested it yet.

139. Oh, my God, what if my guy stuff is bad?

140. I didn't even think of that.

141. Tell you what.

142. You go to the doctor right now, get your mayonnaise tested.

143. While you are doing that, I...

144. will find us... the right girl.

145. Don't we have to go to the deposition?

146. Oh.

147. You go.

148. That is boring compared to this.

149. This is a chance to create the ultimate human.

150. Get out. Go.

151. Oh... Mmm...

152. That was really good Italian food tonight.

153. Ooh. You know what was even better?

154. I'm gonna say the sex we just had.

155. - Yep. - Mmm.

156. Hey, I was thinking about it and...

157. I want to get to know each other better.

158. Outside of the, the sex.

159. Okay, yeah, let's do it.

160. Yeah. Uh, all right.

161. Let me think of a question for you.

162. Um...

163. Ooh! Okay, here's one.

164. - Tell me about your childhood. - Well, I don't know,

165. I don't think we need to talk about that.

166. Oh, no, no, please, tell me.

167. I want to know, what was little Nathaniel's life like? Hmm?

168. Well, um, okay, my parents...

169. are... not super warm.

170. Um, I was kind of a lonely kid.

171. I didn't have any siblings.

172. I was good friends with the gardener,

173. which is why I hablo español.

174. Oh, my God, I'm sorry.

175. I'm just picturing, like, little Nathaniel

176. wandering around, little-little bow tie

177. and knee socks like Prince George.

178. Okay, well, it wasn't so bad.

179. My mom and I, uh, we actually have a pretty good relationship.

180. Um... my dad and I...

181. not so much.

182. Our relationship consists mainly

183. of him glowering and me cowering.

184. Sometimes I wish we were closer.

185. You know?

186. Or close at all.

187. Or like, knew each other.

188. Wow, I've, uh, I've never said that to anyone.

189. Really?

190. I mean, I've talked to Esteban about it,

191. but I've never had a girlfriend who, you know,

192. wants to get to know me like you do.

193. Well, have you talked to your father about this?

194. Have you told him you wish you were closer?

195. You should tell him.

196. No, God, I could never.

197. He should know how sweet you are.

198. - Am I? - Yes.

199. Wow, it's crazy that you think that.

200. I just...

201. I just wish there was some way for your father to know

202. how wonderful you are.

203. She's perfect.

204. Look.

205. Number 456H76.

206. I have been through this entire book

207. and she is the only acceptable one.

208. College educated, doesn't smoke, left-handed...

209. That means creative. When asked for their pastimes,

210. she's the only one who did not mention the beach or her dog

211. or going to the beach with her dog.

212. Also, no duck lips, no contouring,

213. no fake eyelashes, no posing on a flamingo float.

214. She is the one.

215. I don't even have a second choice.

216. Oh, yeah, she looks nice.

217. She's got kind eyes.

218. Your welcome.

219. Yeah!

220. Hello. I would like to place an order for Mr. Whitefeather.

221. We would like one egg from number 456H76, please.

222. What do you mean it's not available?

223. So, you have it, but I can't have it?

224. Do you have the egg or not?

225. It's in the...

226. It's in the catalog.

227. It's unbelievable.

228. Apparently these women can just opt out of being donors

229. whenever they want, even though their eggs

230. are still in the vault.

231. Oh, it's so unfair, frustrating.

232. Oh, hey, Rebecca.

233. How are you? It's good to see you.

234. Shut up. Just meet me in the bathroom now.

235. Ladies', mens', what's happening?

236. What are you doing?

237. I mean, why are we sneaking around?

238. Okay, listen.

239. Cool. No one's here.

240. I don't work here anymore

241. and I just can't deal with people right now, being like,

242. “Oh, how are you? Are you feeling better?”

243. And, “I'm glad you're not dead"

244. and, “If you were so depressed, why didn't you lose weight?”

245. I don't think anybody would say that.

246. I like your very normal body.

247. I think it's brave.

248. Blech. Okay.

249. Point is, I just can't deal with people right now.

250. But, I need you to do something for me.

251. I don't have access to the company database anymore

252. and I need you to forward me Nathaniel Sr.'s calendar.

253. I'll tell you why. I'm gonna

254. accidentally... on purpose... Run into Nathaniel Sr.

255. So I can repair his relationship with Nathaniel.

256. He needs to know how wonderful

257. and sweet and thoughtful Nathaniel is.

258. - My Nathaniel? - Yes, our Nathaniel!

259. For instance, he always makes sure

260. that I am taken care of first, if you get my drift,

261. and his dad needs to know things like that.

262. Okay. Yeah, no, I don't think this is a good idea.

263. Shut up!

264. I'm sorry. That was mean.

265. Shut up.

266. Just get me Nathaniel Sr.'s calendar.

267. I don't think that's a good idea.

268. It is an invasion of privacy, and I don't work for you.

269. Okay, you know what? I respect that.

270. It's just, if you don't do this,

271. I will try to kill myself again,

272. and this time, I'll succeed, and the note will blame you.

273. Yeah, that's what I thought. Okay, so,

274. come on, scurry and get it.

275. Otherwise, uh, uh...

276. Oh, my God. I'm just...

277. Joshua, darling,

278. this is not great.

279. You haven't packed at all.

280. You're moving out, and this closet is still full of junk.

281. Oh.

282. You know I need this whole room for my in-home daycare business.

283. This is the toddler room.

284. The muralist is coming on Monday.

285. She's painting a wonderful

286. dolphin scene.

287. Dolphins? Are you kidding?

288. You never let me have a dolphin mural, and I love dolphins.

289. They're the princes of the sea.

290. When I was a toddler, I just had walls.

291. Why are you making me move?

292. I don't want to move.

293. But I need this room, sweetheart. You know that.

294. And it will be so fun

295. living with Hector and his mother.

296. She lives near Souplantation.

297. You love Souplantation.

298. I'm just going through a tough time.

299. Too much change.

300. I'm still on probation with Aloha,

301. I had to quit Home Base after my zit explosion.

302. And I went through

303. this really intense thing with Rebecca,

304. who, come to find out, never really cared about me.

305. I'm in a lot of flux.

306. Flux!

307. Josh, please.

308. Just pack the closet, my sweetheart.

309. I think I can really

310. bring Nathaniel and his dad closer together.

311. You know, bridge the gap between them, and

312. I have such a great plan for doing that.

313. - Hmm. I wonder about that. - What?

314. It feels like you're putting yourself out there again.

315. No, I'm being very mindful, like we talked about.

316. And I'm using the exact tools

317. that we have all learned here

318. in group therapy with my friends,

319. Lana and Clarice and Bert

320. - and Jo... illson. - Rick.

321. My name is Rick. I tell you every week.

322. You full-on forgot his name.

323. Yes, I did, but Rick,

324. I mean, doesn't even know my name,

325. and he barely shows an interest in me.

326. If you ask me, your over-involvement

327. in your dude's life is very problematic, Rebecca Nora Bunch.

328. Oh...

329. - Snap. - Didn't you tell us other stories

330. about you trying to run into people?

331. If you ask me, the whole thing sounds very “O"

332. “O”?

333. Oh. No, Lana, it's not O-bsessive.

334. I agree with L. Seems “O.” B-T O.

335. Can we just use real words? Is that so much to ask?

336. Listen, Rebecca,

337. I know how easy it is to get obsessed.

338. I also get intense about stuff.

339. I get very maniacally

340. fixated on things, and that's why they thought

341. that I was a paranoid schizophrenic,

342. but they were obviously wrong.

343. I am borderline,

344. and that's why I can't trust them or anyone else,

345. because they're all out to get me!

346. Bert, hey, hi. Look at me. Let's take a breath.

347. Were you saying that to him or me? 'Cause you were looking right at me.

348. I don't need to take a breath. Bert does,

349. - and Rebecca definitely does. - How dare you.

350. I think we all need to take a deep breath.

351. That feels better.

352. - Lana didn't breathe. - You can't make me.

353. Okay, everyone,

354. I hear you. I appreciate everyone's advice,

355. and I am being present and taking it in.

356. And Lana, it's true, okay?

357. I did spy on people in the past, and it was unhealthy,

358. but this time, it's not that.

359. I'm doing something nice

360. for someone that I care about.

361. Which is okay, right, Dr. Shin?

362. Doing nice things is fine.

363. Overextending yourself because you're idealizing someone

364. is what I want you to keep an eye on.

365. Okay. Okay, my eyes are on that. My eyes are on me.

366. Ah.

367. Well, hello, number 456H76.

368. Oh, it's too easy.

369. Hi.

370. I'm Paula. Do you have a second?

371. - Here you go. - Oh, thank you.

372. Oh, excuse me, Miss,

373. do you have any magazines with men in them?

374. Sure. I'm so sorry.

375. Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.

376. I... I'd like to hang onto 'em both.

377. Oh, of course. Whatever brings all your boys to the yard.

378. Oh, thank you.

379. That is really professional of you to say.

380. What am I doing here?

381. I got you his schedule. I want out of this scam.

382. Well, sorry, but you're my driver and my wingman

383. and co-conspirator and my suicide prevention buddy.

384. What don't you understand about this relationship?

385. Put on these pants.

386. Just do it here right now.

387. Well, I can go to the bathroom.

388. There's no time, and don't worry.

389. I know what you got down there.

390. I've seen plenty of them in my day.

391. Well, I'm-I'm wearing underwear, so you wouldn't...

392. - Just put on the damn pants! - Okay. Oh, well, no!

393. What are we doing? Where are we even going?

394. I'm so sad I don't have the ability to fire you right now.

395. Tell me, or I'm out.

396. Oh, really? 'Cause boop, boop, glug, glug, glug.

397. - “It was George. George made me do it” - Then I'll do it, I'll do it.

398. Okay.

399. So, Nathaniel Sr. Will be here any second,

400. and when he gets here, I am going to walk over

401. and just casually strike up a conversation about golf.

402. I stayed up all night watching old Masters Tournaments,

403. yeah, memorizing stats.

404. Oh, here's one. For instance, did you know

405. that Arnold Palmer won 92 tournaments,

406. and is not just a beverage?

407. Oh, there he is. There he is.

408. Okay.

409. Enjoy.

410. Okay, he's not really dressed for golf, but...

411. All right, so we're just gonna walk up to him

412. and be like, “Oh, I think

413. “you're Nathaniel Plimpton, Sr.

414. I'm kind of dating your son.” All right.

415. Come on. Oh.

416. Oh.

417. Wait. He's walking the wrong way.

418. What? Where is he going?

419. Ooh. Hmm?

420. Who the hell is that?

421. Where is Nathaniel Sr. going?

422. I don't know.

423. It could be a drug deal or an affair.

424. Probably ride-sharing app.

425. All right, well, come on. Let's follow him.

426. What now?

427. Well, if something weird is going on,

428. I have to get to the bottom of it.

429. I owe it to Nathaniel, so, let's go.

430. Oh.

431. Good-bye, baseball I caught at Dodger Stadium.

432. Good-bye, volleyball I caught at Redondo Beach.

433. Oh. Good-bye, tissue from the cold I caught

434. from the hot girl in algebra class.

435. Oh, man! Oh!

436. Oh! I can't throw this out.

437. This has all my favorite karaoke tracks on it.

438. What? The batteries still work.

439. “First Love!”

440. Love this song.

441. Hello. Check, one, two, three.

442. Oh.

443. You don't know me, but I have a confession to make.

444. Does it have anything to do with the fact

445. - that you've been stalking me? - What?

446. I've seen you skulking around the park for the past hour.

447. I'm flattered, but I'm into men. Sorry.

448. Oh, no, no, no. No, no. I...

449. I have to talk to you urgently.

450. So what is up with you taking your eggs off the donor site?

451. I have a dear friend who really, really,

452. really wants to make a baby with those eggs.

453. Okay, so this is not appropriate or legal.

454. So I'm just gonna reach for my phone and call the police.

455. Oh, no, no, no! What do you want? What do you want?

456. Ooh! How about store credit at an off-price retailer?

457. I just returned a tom-tom thingie

458. that you can kind of sit on.

459. Okay, look, this is none of your business,

460. and I'm sorry for your friend,

461. but I'm not donating anymore.

462. I graduated, and I'm getting married, and I'm moving on.

463. But your picture is still there, and we fell in love with you.

464. And-and you already donated the egg!

465. I mean, it's just sitting there on ice.

466. All-all you have to do is sign a release.

467. Please, please, please let us have the last one.

468. He needs it.

469. Oh!

470. Mm!

471. Oh, my God, I am so nervous.

472. What if my swimmers are no good?

473. What if I can never again climb

474. the sacred mountain of fatherhood?

475. Are you, like, even listening?

476. I got the yank bank on the horn.

477. - Oh, God. - They're on line four.

478. Give 'em your cell, would ya?

479. I don't like to vomit at work.

480. Thanks for the update.

481. This is Mr. Whitefeather.

482. What?

483. Yes?

484. Oh, is it bad? Are they slow?

485. Are they dead? Were there any?

486. Uh-huh.

487. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

488. Oh, God, this is gonna be gross.

489. My sperm is healthy.

490. Brad, you, too?

491. My sperm is healthy.

492. Congratulations.

493. Thank you.

494. Well, they look very cozy.

495. Think we can rule out ride-share.

496. Not necessarily.

497. You know, I've actually had some of my best dates

498. when I was paying by the mile.

499. Ugh, geez, I need a new sidekick.

500. You make me so sad.

501. Okay.

502. Okay, who is that?

503. Wow, that girl looks young enough to be his daughter.

504. Hey, old man.

505. She is his daughter.

506. That's his mistress and that's his daughter.

507. Oh, my God. I mean, this is...

508. I just uncovered years of-of-of family secrets

509. and pent-up anger and-and-and secrets.

510. Did I say secrets?

511. I think I said secrets. I mean,

512. this is way better than the little bits of love

513. I was gonna have to try to wring out of his dried-up old dad.

514. This is something so much better.

515. I-I-I got him a nice, juicy, wonderful, little sister.

516. Ah, I'm amazing.

517. I... no, I don't think you're seeing this

518. the way people are gonna see it.

519. You have to tell Darryl the donor said no.

520. I will get to it.

521. Will you ease up already, Fonzie?

522. Topical reference. Good one.

523. Good night.

524. - Later. - See you.

525. Number 456H76.

526. What are you doing here?

527. I thought about it.

528. - I'll do it. - I'll call the bank

529. - and tell them to release my last egg. - Oh, thank God!

530. There's just one thing I want

531. - which is to... - Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.

532. We can talk about details later, but right now,

533. I am gonna run upstairs and tell Darryl it is on.

534. Thank you! Thank you so much!

535. Mmm.

536. Mmm.

537. It is so cute how you do that.

538. - Eat food? - Yes.

539. Mm.

540. You know, I keep thinking about the sad thing

541. that we were talking about the other day,

542. about how you were lonely as a kid.

543. I just keep picturing you in footie pajamas,

544. sitting on Santa's lap...

545. being all sad and lonely.

546. But when you were sitting on Santa's lap,

547. like, what did you wish for?

548. - Did you ask for a puppy or a kitty... - Hmm.

549. Or a little brother or sister?

550. - That's what you asked for, right? - Uh, no.

551. I mostly asked for treasury bonds.

552. Okay. But, but if you had had a little brother or sister,

553. that would've made you so happy, right?

554. Yeah, I guess.

555. - Hmm, might've been fun. - Yeah?

556. - Let me get these out of the way. - Okay.

557. Oh, no.

558. You're still doing karaoke videos?

559. You've been up all night, sweetie.

560. You haven't even packed your closet.

561. I know, I'm just, I'm getting nostalgic.

562. The times in my life when I sang along to these songs...

563. I mean... those moments are all gone.

564. Okay, Josh.

565. I understand what you're going through.

566. Really, I do.

567. But it's time to have a little conversation.

568. Oh.

569. Okay, I get it.

570. I should've packed up the closet.

571. You're right. You're totally right.

572. I'm... you don't have to keep singing.

573. Ew.

574. What's up with the random rowboats?

575. Everyone, get used to speaking softly,

576. hand-sanitizing constantly

577. and never bringing uncut grapes to the office again.

578. There's gonna be a baby in here.

579. My God, tell me everything.

580. Oh, Paula, I am so excited.

581. They're putting my hot sauce on the eggs this morning,

582. and the surrogate is on call

583. and as soon as the embryo starts to divide,

584. they can implant it.

585. Oh, that's so great.

586. Would you excuse me for a minute?

587. - Sure. - Okay.

588. Hi.

589. What's this text about money?

590. He already paid you.

591. Yeah, but not enough.

592. You left before I could finish the other day.

593. Yes, I gave you my egg,

594. but I had terms.

595. You see, the way you approached me was a bit unorthodox

596. and I would hate for the police to find out

597. that you violated my anonymity and stalked me.

598. That would be a bummer.

599. - What? - So, I'd like to be paid

600. in monthly installments

601. for the rest of the baby's life.

602. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

603. Wait.

604. You're blackmailing me?

605. And you're a smoker.

606. Yeah.

607. But you checked “no smoking.”

608. Yeah.

609. Oh, my God, you're a horrible person.

610. I can't believe I picked you out of a catalog.

611. If you were a sweater, I would send you back,

612. or at least put you in the front hall closet

613. for six months while I intend to send you back.

614. Whatever. You're stuck with me.

615. Your friend's making a baby with me right now.

616. No. Not on my watch.

617. I am, I am stopping this right now.

618. Thank you for calling the San Fernando Egg Donor Center.

619. Hi. Stop. Hold the baby presses.

620. Just-just don't fertilize. Don't do it. Just keep

621. - the huevos out of the rancheros. - We're closed for the day.

622. Hello? Hello? Please leave your name and number

623. after the beep and we will get back to you... Wait. H... no.

624. During our normal business hours. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

625. So what are we doing here?

626. Why are we meeting a client in his dump?

627. I am so sorry. I lied to you.

628. There is no client. She made me do it.

629. I tried to stop her, but I-I couldn't.

630. It's Rebecca. She is a train

631. and you can't get off. And you're trying

632. to pull the brake, but the next thing you know,

633. you're shoveling more coal into the engine.

634. I don't know how trains work.

635. I am so sorry that I hit your car.

636. Uh, but a dozen donuts is the least that I can do.

637. Ugh, I don't want a dozen donuts.

638. I want your insurance information.

639. I've been asking you for that for half an hour.

640. Rebecca.

641. What's-what's happening here?

642. A surprise.

643. An impish ruse, but for the best of reasons.

644. Wait, what's going on here?

645. Did you hit my car on purpose?

646. Hold on.

647. Y-You hit her car?

648. Yes, yes, yes, but for all the right reasons.

649. Nathaniel...

650. meet your sister.

651. That's right, Nathaniel. This is your sister,

652. sired by your father and his secret whore.

653. I know this would be a shock at first.

654. Whoa, whoa. Whore? And... sister?

655. What's happening?

656. And Nathaniel, what are you even doing here?

657. You don't eat donuts.

658. Uh... Sorry, you know him?

659. - You know your secret sibling? - Okay, so, I'm gonna run away.

660. - You're not going anywhere. - Yeah.

661. But how do you two know each other?

662. Her mom was my dad's secretary for years, Janice.

663. Okay, right, and they're having an affair.

664. No. My mom worked for Mr. P. Sr. for 30 years,

665. so he pays for my tuition and once in a while,

666. we invite him over to lunch.

667. Wait... why all the secrecy?

668. Why does he pretend to play golf?

669. He has 150 employees.

670. You think he wants to pay hundreds of tuitions?

671. Wait a minute.

672. How do you know he pretends to play golf?

673. Um, uh...

674. Okay, I think we need to have a talk.

675. Oh... you did it, honey.

676. Don't you feel so much better?

677. No, I feel terrible.

678. And you're being so mean lately.

679. Joshy, what's really going on with you?

680. I don't know.

681. My whole life, I-I knew what I was gonna do,

682. who I was gonna be.

683. Get a comfortable job, marry Valencia,

684. see you guys every weekend,

685. coach Little League,

686. go to church, hang out with my friends,

687. own a shave ice machine...

688. But none of it makes sense anymore.

689. I don't want those things now.

690. I know, growing up is hard.

691. I've been trying to remember when it stopped making sense.

692. I... I moved back from New York,

693. I tried to settle back in,

694. but things were not right between me and Valencia

695. because I started spending time with Rebecca.

696. And that job at Aloha,

697. Rebecca also got for me because she believed in me.

698. And then V and I split up, also because of Rebecca.

699. When you think about it,

700. Rebecca's everywhere.

701. She changed me.

702. Made me think my life could be different.

703. I could be special.

704. My God, she ruined me.

705. I spent my whole life in flip-flops

706. and she made me want closed-toed shoes.

707. I can't go back to my old life.

708. I-I got to find a new life!

709. - Hey, Mom! - Oh.

710. Sorry.

711. Those are not real problems.

712. God, I hope it's a girl.

713. I want to name her Daphnila or Sefarine.

714. Yeah, not names.

715. What's the matter with you?

716. Why aren't you more excited?

717. This baby was Frankensteined by you.

718. Yeah, no, it is.

719. I-I-I know.

720. What?

721. What's wrong?

722. There are a couple of little details

723. that I neglected to tell you.

724. Oh. Oh.

725. Yes?

726. Hello, Dr. Ellerbe.

727. Yes?

728. Yes!

729. I'm gonna be a daddy?

730. Oh, God, no.

731. Oh, the fertilization didn't take.

732. Thank God!

733. What? It didn't work?

734. But... Oh, no, no, no.

735. Darryl, number 456H76 was a blackmailing,

736. secret smoking bitch.

737. And I know that because I tracked her down

738. and I gave her all this blackmail leverage.

739. And I can't believe I did that.

740. Oh, God, I'm so out of practice.

741. So sloppy.

742. So nothing happened?

743. There's no baby?

744. Oh, no, honey.

745. Not this time.

746. But this is a good thing.

747. I promise. And next time,

748. we're gonna get somebody so much better.

749. Yeah.

750. Okay, in another year.

751. A year?

752. Paula, it is really expensive to buy those huevos.

753. I can only do it, like, once a year.

754. Oh, my God.

755. I'm so sorry.

756. Oh...

757. I have to stop interfering in people's lives.

758. I do it when I'm unhappy, I do it when I'm happy,

759. and either way, it never works out.

760. Uh, doy.

761. I deserve that.

762. So...

763. you said you wanted to talk, but you haven't said anything.

764. - I'm still processing. - Okay.

765. Okay, that's healthy.

766. Um...

767. I will just, uh, I'll wait here

768. and eat until you're ready.

769. - Thank you. - Great.

770. Oh, God, just tell me.

771. Do you forgive me?

772. Are you gonna forgive me?

773. Please don't break up with me.

774. Just tell me, okay? Just rip the Band-Aid off.

775. Are you gonna break up with me? You're breaking up with me.

776. But are you? Are you gonna break up with me?

777. Rebecca, what you did was absolutely...

778. It was over the top.

779. Inexcusable. I-I know.

780. But...

781. you were trying to help.

782. Yes. Yes, I was, I really was.

783. The thing is, you and I are really... different.

784. But that's part of what I like about you.

785. And I feel closer to you than I have to basically anyone.

786. You make me feel like I could be a different... kind of person,

787. a person who expresses their feelings

788. and-and cries at movies and...

789. makes eye contact with homeless people.

790. So you're gonna forgive me?

791. Yeah, I think I will.

792. But you have to promise...

793. never to do anything like that ever again.

794. I promise.

795. I swear.

796. Come here.

797. This table's really long. I'm just gonna...

798. Very long.

799. I'm just gonna come over there. Come on over.

800. I'm just gonna... I'm just gonna

801. scoot over here.

802. Oh, hi.

803. Whew! So...

804. whew! I got away with it.

805. - Mm-hmm. - That was the wrong choice of words.

806. I mean, we worked it out.

807. Mm-hmm.

808. Okay, I hear you.

809. And what I did was not the best idea.

810. Mm-hmm.

811. But it came from caring and affection.

812. It wasn't about obsession.

813. No, what I did

814. was selfless and kind. It was too kind.

815. - Rebecca... - I like this guy, okay?

816. I like him a lot.

817. I like him so much and I want to be with him.

818. So, what, I can never have a great relationship

819. because I have borderline personality disorder,

820. is that what you're saying?

821. Not at all.

822. But doesn't it feel like

823. you're repeating some old patterns?

824. Your patterns with Josh, perhaps?

825. Uh, J-J-Josh?

826. No, no, no. No, no, no.

827. The way I am with Nathaniel

828. is nothing like the way I was with Josh.

829. I just want to make Nathaniel a better person,

830. and I want to make him

831. happy all the time and I want

832. to get to know everything about him

833. and I want to get to know everyone in his life

834. and I want to have that feeling

835. that you get when you really get to know someone

836. and it feels like glitter is exploding inside of you.

837. Ah... Oh...

838. Mm-hmm.

839. Okay. I've been thinking about ways to raise money.

840. Here they are, rapid- Bake sale, car wash,

841. lap dances in the office... Here me out.

842. Not a lot of people know this,

843. but Mrs. Hernandez has a rack on her...

844. What the hell happened in here?

845. I sold it.

846. I sold all of it.

847. Jackalope...

848. I know. I know.

849. People wanted to buy that junk?

850. Most of it, no.

851. I mean, I did have one piece of turquoise

852. that turned out to be real.

853. And then the rest

854. I just sold to stupid hipsters

855. at the Melrose flea market.

856. I want to try again right away; I don't want to wait.

857. I am ready for this baby.

858. Well, that's great, Darryl.

859. And I promise, this time I will stay out of it.

860. Oh, no, please don't.

861. Me and Tasmyline...

862. we need you, Auntie Paula.

863. Auntie Paula? Oh...

864. - Oh, I like the way that sounds. - I know. Me, too.

865. But I don't like the way Tasmyline sounds,

866. so that is a hard, hard no on that.

867. What about Shatonka?

868. Uh...

869. It means “lady truck.”

870. I ran into Josh.

871. He made me feel warm inside,

872. like glitter was exploding inside me.

873. Hey.

874. Hey...

875. Can I talk to you for a second?

876. Okay. Sure, come on in.

877. I, um...

878. uh, came over to see you because...

879. there's something I never said.

880. Oh, God, Josh...

881. Look, if you're here to say sorry,

882. there's really no need.

883. Like... it's fine, stuff happens.

884. No, not sorry.

885. Thank you.

886. Wh... What?

887. Before I met you, I set the bar

888. so low for myself.

889. But you freed me from that.

890. Whatever my future holds,

891. it's different from what I planned and...

892. that's because of you.

893. Wow.

894. Now I'm, uh, learning to break out of my patterns.

895. Well, Josh, thank you for coming here

896. and saying all these things.

897. This must have been hard.

898. It was.

899. And, um, you know, the truth is,

900. I'm a bit of a coward.

901. And I'm not great at doing the hard thing,

902. even when I know it's right.

903. God, doing the right thing, is there anything worse?

904. But...

905. there comes a time when...

906. it's what you have to.

907. Hey, Josh, not to be rude, but there's something I need to do,

908. so can you get your ass out of my house?

909. - Yeah. - Yeah.

910. Thanks.

911. - Hi. - Hi.

912. Rebecca, what's wrong?

913. Nathaniel, I, uh...

914. I have to do something I've never done before.

915. What?