1. Previously on Crazy
Ex-Girlfriend...Copy !req
2. Oh, I'm so embarrassed
that I caused such a scene.Copy !req
3. And I didn't, I didn't
even want to die.Copy !req
4. I just wanted the pain to stop.Copy !req
5. You don't want to
have a baby, do you?Copy !req
6. No.Copy !req
7. What are we gonna do?Copy !req
8. I don't know.Copy !req
9. Are you sure you don't
need to go be at home?Copy !req
10. What about your kids?Copy !req
11. I am where I should be.Copy !req
12. Which is...Copy !req
13. right by your side.Copy !req
14. DR.It is my opinion
that you exhibit many of theCopy !req
15. characteristics of borderline
personality disorder.Copy !req
16. I'm here for you.Copy !req
17. That really means a lot.Copy !req
18. Hey, Heather.Copy !req
19. What up,
what up, what up, what up?Copy !req
20. You're in a good mood.Copy !req
21. Yeah.Copy !req
22. Wow.Copy !req
23. Someone did some shopping.Copy !req
24. Yes, I'm very excited.Copy !req
25. Can't believe your doctor
gave you so much homework.Copy !req
26. Oh, no, you know, he only
assigned me one of those books,Copy !req
27. but I just figured, if
filling out one book is good,Copy !req
28. filling out all of them
must be even better.Copy !req
29. You're such an A student.Copy !req
30. God, I miss being a student.Copy !req
31. Is there something you can
fill out when you used to be aCopy !req
32. student, but now
you're not a student?Copy !req
33. I think it's called
a job application.Copy !req
34. Oh.Copy !req
35. Ah.Copy !req
36. Mm, okay.Copy !req
37. Okay.Copy !req
38. Okay.Copy !req
39. Okay.Copy !req
40. Oh— let's see.Copy !req
41. "Exercise One: Scan your body
for any signs of distress."Copy !req
42. Initiating body scan.Copy !req
43. Oh, these pants feel tight.Copy !req
44. They are tight in the crotch.Copy !req
45. These are terrible pants.Copy !req
46. I should get rid of these pants.Copy !req
47. Please don't take your
pants off in front of me,Copy !req
48. I know you haven't
done laundry lately.Copy !req
49. I'm actually wearing
your bikini bottoms.Copy !req
50. You can keep 'em.Copy !req
51. Thank you.Copy !req
52. Did all the books.Copy !req
53. Are you proud of me?Copy !req
54. I don't know if you keep
stickers around, but if you do,Copy !req
55. I prefer scratch-n-sniff, so...Copy !req
56. Rebecca, I applaud
your work ethic,Copy !req
57. but recovery is not about
assigning yourself homework andCopy !req
58. doing it in record time.Copy !req
59. So you're saying I set a record.Copy !req
60. I know you want an A-plus, but
I need to challenge you to get aCopy !req
61. different type of grade.Copy !req
62. What's better than an A-plus?Copy !req
63. A C-plus.Copy !req
64. I know by
doing this work,Copy !req
65. you want to get better quickly,
but for someone like you,Copy !req
66. the overachieving is
part of the issue.Copy !req
67. You need to relax.Copy !req
68. Relax?Copy !req
69. Okay, is that what they
told you to do at Syracuse?Copy !req
70. I'm sor— I'm sorry, Syracuse
is a lovely school forCopy !req
71. communications or something.Copy !req
72. Hey, you need to
put the pencil down.Copy !req
73. You have been in
a therapy bubble.Copy !req
74. All right?Copy !req
75. It is time to take steps
into the real world.Copy !req
76. The real world?Copy !req
77. No, no, I don't want that,
'cause what if I mess things up?Copy !req
78. Then that's okay.Copy !req
79. Go out there and make some
messes, have some adventures.Copy !req
80. And stop being so
hard on yourself.Copy !req
81. I mean, you're right.Copy !req
82. I am hard on myself.Copy !req
83. God, it's one of
my worst qualities.Copy !req
84. God, I'm such a dumb,
loser, hard-on-myself bitch.Copy !req
85. That.Copy !req
86. Stop doing that.Copy !req
87. I just
don't want to fail.Copy !req
88. You need to redefine failure.Copy !req
89. As I did, when I only got
into my safety school.Copy !req
90. Oh, ho...Copy !req
91. That's a beauty.Copy !req
92. Hey!Copy !req
93. Look, I made special
pancakes with a sports theme.Copy !req
94. Basketball, soccer ball,
baseball, golf ball.Copy !req
95. Those are just circles, Mom.Copy !req
96. Oh, wait till you hear
what happened this morning.Copy !req
97. Okay, so Grandma calls and
she said she's got this churchCopy !req
98. retreat in Minnesota
that she has to go to,Copy !req
99. and she wants me to
stay with Grampa.Copy !req
100. 'Cause he fell down
'cause he's old or— cough,Copy !req
101. cough— alcoholic.Copy !req
102. What is she thinking?Copy !req
103. Like I would ever
go and do that.Copy !req
104. You guys know how
much my dad annoys me.Copy !req
105. Who's ready for an
egg-n-cheese sammy?Copy !req
106. I am.Copy !req
107. Me, too.Copy !req
108. So hungry.Copy !req
109. You're going out to breakfast?Copy !req
110. I mean, what are
you talking about?Copy !req
111. While you were busy with
Rebecca, we got a new routine.Copy !req
112. We do drive-through
for breakfast now.Copy !req
113. Yeah.Copy !req
114. Let's get going.Copy !req
115. Starving.Copy !req
116. Mmm.Copy !req
117. Yeah, same.Copy !req
118. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
119. So hungry.Copy !req
120. Craving those sandwiches.Copy !req
121. Hey, Scott.Copy !req
122. Yeah, it's the best.Copy !req
123. Look, I know I was AWOL
with Rebecca, but I'm back.Copy !req
124. I'm here.Copy !req
125. I am doing laundry, I
am flushing toilets,Copy !req
126. I am helping with homework.Copy !req
127. Okay, let's face it,
I am doing homework.Copy !req
128. Yeah, but we don't know how
long this is gonna last.Copy !req
129. You go through phases.Copy !req
130. Before Rebecca, there
were those vampire novels.Copy !req
131. Sudoku, and then there was the
obsession with Amal Clooney'sCopy !req
132. outfits.Copy !req
133. She is a style icon
and a barrister.Copy !req
134. There's always something you're
obsessed with and, uh, eh,Copy !req
135. it's kind of never us.Copy !req
136. We're like a, I don't
know, a chore or something.Copy !req
137. You're not a chore.Copy !req
138. This is my life and
I have accepted it.Copy !req
139. My life is chores and working
and studying and never havingCopy !req
140. enough time to finish the last
season of Outlander, it's fine.Copy !req
141. I wasn't trying to
start something.Copy !req
142. You do your best.Copy !req
143. But it always feels like there's
some part of you that's notCopy !req
144. really here.Copy !req
145. Why is that?Copy !req
146. Hmm.Copy !req
147. Don't know.Copy !req
148. I'm in just such a transitional
time right now, you know?Copy !req
149. Tell me about it.Copy !req
150. My voice is cracking, hair
is appearing in very strangeCopy !req
151. places, and my armpits are
starting to smell like...Copy !req
152. like armpits.Copy !req
153. But I'm supposed
to be past that.Copy !req
154. I'm a big boy.Copy !req
155. What's the word for that?Copy !req
156. Man.Copy !req
157. Yeah.Copy !req
158. Man, what is the word for that?Copy !req
159. Josh, I couldn't help but
overhear as I was trying toCopy !req
160. overhear.Copy !req
161. You're looking for a job, huh?Copy !req
162. I really need a job.Copy !req
163. I'm on indefinite suspension
from Aloha so I'm broke.Copy !req
164. We've been looking
for a bartender.Copy !req
165. You interested?Copy !req
166. Bartending?Copy !req
167. Huh.Copy !req
168. I thought it was kind of
lame when Greg did it,Copy !req
169. but I bet I could make it cool.Copy !req
170. I am really coordinated because
of my martial arts and my magic.Copy !req
171. I bet I could pick up some dope
Cocktail tricks pretty fast.Copy !req
172. We mostly serve beer, so we
don't need anything fancy.Copy !req
173. Thanks for not cheering
too loud at my game today.Copy !req
174. I know it was hard.Copy !req
175. Yeah, I tried to reign it in,
but it is hard because MadisonCopy !req
176. is rad-ison.Copy !req
177. I'll excuse it
because you're going through aCopy !req
178. tough time.Copy !req
179. I mean, you just broke
up with your boyfriend.Copy !req
180. You did break up
with him, right?Copy !req
181. What?Copy !req
182. Come on!Copy !req
183. You want to have a baby.Copy !req
184. He doesn't.Copy !req
185. I know, but it's so hard.Copy !req
186. I still care about him.Copy !req
187. I love him.Copy !req
188. You got to rip off the Band-Aid.Copy !req
189. That's how I broke
up with Jimmy.Copy !req
190. I ripped off his Band-Aid.Copy !req
191. Here he is.Copy !req
192. Do it.Copy !req
193. Joshua!Copy !req
194. My dad has something
to tell you.Copy !req
195. Oh, yeah?Copy !req
196. Um...Copy !req
197. What's up?Copy !req
198. Um...Copy !req
199. Madison won her game.Copy !req
200. Oh, nice, Madison.Copy !req
201. Way to go.Copy !req
202. So, you're really thinking
about going back to Buffalo?Copy !req
203. Nobody appreciates me
at my house right now.Copy !req
204. I mean, I might as well.Copy !req
205. Scott has been so pissy lately.Copy !req
206. Oh, sometimes I wish I could
just touch a stone wall and goCopy !req
207. back to 1743 to be with my other
husband, the Scottish warrior,Copy !req
208. and you don't watch
Outlander, do you?Copy !req
209. Mm, sorry.Copy !req
210. Like, none of this
makes any sense to you.Copy !req
211. Okay.Copy !req
212. Anyway, Paula, are you sure you
want to go back and hang outCopy !req
213. with your dad?Copy !req
214. I mean, you hate him; he
makes you feel horrible aboutCopy !req
215. yourself.Copy !req
216. Yeah, no, I wasn't gonna go,
but, you know, he needs me and,Copy !req
217. I mean, Buffalo's
gonna be messy, but...Copy !req
218. at least it's kind
of an adventure.Copy !req
219. A messy adventure, you say?Copy !req
220. That sounds fun.Copy !req
221. You know, I've always
wanted to go to Buffalo.Copy !req
222. You have?Copy !req
223. Yes, yes.Copy !req
224. Ever since I saw Bruce Almighty.Copy !req
225. Oh, my...Copy !req
226. Paula.Copy !req
227. Paula, no, this is perfect.Copy !req
228. This is exactly the kind of
adventure that Dr. Shin wasCopy !req
229. talking about.Copy !req
230. Let me come with you.Copy !req
231. Really?Copy !req
232. Yeah.Copy !req
233. Yeah, come in, Paula.Copy !req
234. Hey.Copy !req
235. Oh.Copy !req
236. I just, uh, wanted
to come check on you.Copy !req
237. You know, like men do.Copy !req
238. Haven't seen you in a while.Copy !req
239. Everything good?Copy !req
240. You're not running
away again, are you?Copy !req
241. No, no, no, I'm just, I'm going
on a quick trip with Paula.Copy !req
242. I'm trying to get out of my
bubble, my therapy bubble.Copy !req
243. It's why I've been kind of MIA
from everything, so, sorry.Copy !req
244. Oh, no, don't be sorry.Copy !req
245. It's, it's good to see you.Copy !req
246. Yeah.Copy !req
247. Might have missed
you a little bit.Copy !req
248. I don't know.Copy !req
249. Prob-Probably not.Copy !req
250. I'm probably just feeling
a little weird because ICopy !req
251. accidentally had
dairy yesterday.Copy !req
252. I asked for a grilled cheese
sandwich, but I said "no cheese,Copy !req
253. no bread, I just want a hot,
salty tomato." But, you know,Copy !req
254. they don't listen.Copy !req
255. Cool.Copy !req
256. What a roundabout explanation
for wanting to come see aCopy !req
257. friend.Copy !req
258. Come here.Copy !req
259. I don't know if I can have sex.Copy !req
260. Huh?Copy !req
261. I don't know if the books
say that I can have sex yet.Copy !req
262. I mean, and I definitely am
not ready for a relationship.Copy !req
263. Not that that's what
you're trying to do.Copy !req
264. I don't know what I'm saying.Copy !req
265. You're a really good hugger.Copy !req
266. Oh, thank you.Copy !req
267. The thing is, I would love
to have sex with you again.Copy !req
268. Like, I'm talking to
you here right now,Copy !req
269. but there's another
version of me— like,Copy !req
270. an alternate version in a
parallel universe— that's justCopy !req
271. ripping your clothes off right
now and climbing you like theCopy !req
272. sequoia you are, you
know what I'm sayin'?Copy !req
273. Sequoia?Copy !req
274. Yeah.Copy !req
275. 'Cause you're, like, tall and
hard, and wooden, and sexy,Copy !req
276. and native to California, so
just get out of here, please.Copy !req
277. Please just get out of here.Copy !req
278. Okay.Copy !req
279. All right.Copy !req
280. I'm-a go.Copy !req
281. Go.Copy !req
282. But...Copy !req
283. I'm-a go sexy.Copy !req
284. Why is
Nathaniel leaving so sexy?Copy !req
285. It's a whole thing.Copy !req
286. Let's just go.Copy !req
287. Okay.Copy !req
288. No.Copy !req
289. Mm, no.Copy !req
290. Hey, Dad.Copy !req
291. Look who's home from Hollywood.Copy !req
292. It's West Covina.Copy !req
293. It's not even
close to Hollywood.Copy !req
294. This is my friend, Rebecca.Copy !req
295. Look, enough with
the pleasantries.Copy !req
296. Your mother told you
come and babysit me.Copy !req
297. I don't need it.Copy !req
298. I fell, I got a giant
bruise on my ass cheek.Copy !req
299. Other than that, I'm perfect.Copy !req
300. Hey, isn't that the girl
your mother told me about?Copy !req
301. She, uh, kind of sucks
at killing herself?Copy !req
302. Dad!Copy !req
303. Hey, I know this
guy from my old precinct inCopy !req
304. Brooklyn, he tried to shoot
himself in his foot to getCopy !req
305. workers' comp.Copy !req
306. Blew off his willie.Copy !req
307. You're like that guy.Copy !req
308. Oh, my God, Rebecca,
I am so sorry.Copy !req
309. No, no, no.Copy !req
310. It-It's okay.Copy !req
311. Wait, wait, so the guy
just blew off the willie?Copy !req
312. Not the entire package?Copy !req
313. So that means he just missed
out on becoming, like,Copy !req
314. a great soprano?Copy !req
315. By a hair.Copy !req
316. (Rebecca and Bob
laughing) He's funny.Copy !req
317. He's really not.Copy !req
318. Paula doesn't have
a sense of humor.Copy !req
319. Never has.Copy !req
320. That's why she's not likable.Copy !req
321. Hey, I'm not saying
anything you don't know.Copy !req
322. You have other qualities.Copy !req
323. You're sturdy.Copy !req
324. Would've made a great
defensive tackle.Copy !req
325. Well, see, Paula?Copy !req
326. That's-that's a
genderless compliment.Copy !req
327. Yeah, you know, I always
actually wondered if maybe PaulaCopy !req
328. had a pecker, a little one,
you know what I'm saying?Copy !req
329. Okay, never mind.Copy !req
330. I'm sorry.Copy !req
331. You know what?Copy !req
332. I'm gonna go to the market.Copy !req
333. 'Cause I'll bet all you got
in the fridge is artillery andCopy !req
334. vodka.Copy !req
335. Oh, I'm almost out of vodka.Copy !req
336. Go ahead.Copy !req
337. I'll stay with him.Copy !req
338. Bye.Copy !req
339. Hey, would
you like to see a big turd ICopy !req
340. left in the toilet?Copy !req
341. No.Copy !req
342. Kinda.Copy !req
343. Jeff.Copy !req
344. Can I help you, ma'am?Copy !req
345. Who is that?Copy !req
346. That's...Copy !req
347. That's my Josh Chan.Copy !req
348. Is that your ex or something?Copy !req
349. Oh, he's not just any ex.Copy !req
350. He's...Copy !req
351. he's the one I never got over.Copy !req
352. I thought if I saw
him again, I'd...Copy !req
353. I'd want to punch
him in the face,Copy !req
354. but instead I feel all
warm and tingly inside,Copy !req
355. like glitter is
exploding inside of me.Copy !req
356. So he was
your first love?Copy !req
357. Oh, baby, he was my
first everything.Copy !req
358. I've thought about him for so
long Those memories are crystalCopy !req
359. clear I was so young He was so
big and strong I can't believeCopy !req
360. that he's right here I was such
an innocent girl When we firstCopy !req
361. met He opened up my eyes, showed
me a whole new world So howCopy !req
362. could I ever forget?Copy !req
363. The first penis
I saw Firs penis,Copy !req
364. very first penis First penis
Very first penis I saw FirstCopy !req
365. penis, very first penis, penis
First penis Very first penis ICopy !req
366. saw And of all the penises I've
seen His had the biggest impactCopy !req
367. And by that what I mean is
It really made me drop my jawCopy !req
368. 'Cause it was the very first
penis I saw A few times before ICopy !req
369. felt it through his pants
just generally kinda rubbed itCopy !req
370. But that night I decided to take
a chance I took it out and heCopy !req
371. really seemed to love it
didn't know what to do next ICopy !req
372. didn't have that
part planned said,Copy !req
373. "Let me show you some basic
moves" And then he took my handCopy !req
374. And taught me all
about the First penis,Copy !req
375. very first penis First penis
Very first penis I saw FirstCopy !req
376. penis, very first penis, penis
First penis Very first penis ICopy !req
377. saw Not the dirtiest, also not
the cleanest In terms of penis,Copy !req
378. I really was the greenest I was
in total awe Of the very firstCopy !req
379. penis I saw He's coming!Copy !req
380. Bail on the turntable!Copy !req
381. I was so eager, I couldn't hide
my keenness Everything about itCopy !req
382. seemed quite ingenious
couldn't find a single flaw InCopy !req
383. the first penis Very first
penis Very first penis I saw!Copy !req
384. Paula O'Brien?Copy !req
385. Jeff Channington.Copy !req
386. Heather, you're gonna
have to step it up.Copy !req
387. I've been rocking the
YouTube tutorials,Copy !req
388. and a simple pour ain't
gonna win you this rodeo.Copy !req
389. I'm not in a rodeo.Copy !req
390. Hey, check this out.Copy !req
391. I call this the Big Boy.Copy !req
392. Who's thirsty?Copy !req
393. Who's thirsty?Copy !req
394. I'm a Big Boy!Copy !req
395. I'm a Big Boy!Copy !req
396. Oh, man, this is a barf.Copy !req
397. You like that?Copy !req
398. Yeah.Copy !req
399. All right!Copy !req
400. Hey, I'm Teresa.Copy !req
401. I'm Josh.Copy !req
402. I'm a big boy.Copy !req
403. I can see that.Copy !req
404. I love
your Cocktail moves.Copy !req
405. Thanks.Copy !req
406. It's called flair.Copy !req
407. Cool.Copy !req
408. Hey, so you busy after
work tomorrow night?Copy !req
409. Oh, I always get busy
after work tomorrow night.Copy !req
410. That's good!Copy !req
411. I mean...Copy !req
412. this is unbelievable.Copy !req
413. So you...Copy !req
414. back in town?Copy !req
415. I mean, I thought you were
off living in Hollywood.Copy !req
416. Well, actually, uh, yes.Copy !req
417. Yes.Copy !req
418. Yes, I am.Copy !req
419. Yes, I'm back for a
couple of days, yes.Copy !req
420. Wow.Copy !req
421. I mean, you're just here for a
couple of days and we ran intoCopy !req
422. each other?Copy !req
423. That is crazy.Copy !req
424. Yeah.Copy !req
425. So weird, right?Copy !req
426. I mean, we haven't seen
each other since...Copy !req
427. You dumped me in the parking lot
of the mall after we saw FriedCopy !req
428. Green Tomatoes.Copy !req
429. I'm sorry.Copy !req
430. What a jerk I was.Copy !req
431. Yeah, so ever since then, I
hear Kathy Bates do a SouthernCopy !req
432. accent, and I have
to leave the room.Copy !req
433. You know, Paula, you were so
cool and so funny and so smart.Copy !req
434. And you were the only girl in
town who knew anything aboutCopy !req
435. Camaros.Copy !req
436. By the way, I'm restoring one.Copy !req
437. Yeah, I bought it on eBay.Copy !req
438. It's stupid, but it's my hobby.Copy !req
439. Always makes me think of you.Copy !req
440. Me?Copy !req
441. Yeah.Copy !req
442. Do you want to come and see it?Copy !req
443. Look, here's my card.Copy !req
444. In case you change your mind.Copy !req
445. I've never watched
conservative news before.Copy !req
446. All the women look exactly
the same, like they're old,Copy !req
447. blonde Miss USAs.Copy !req
448. Why is that?Copy !req
449. Well, if we put 'em on the news,
then we don't have to send 'emCopy !req
450. out to the glue factory.Copy !req
451. Bob,
that's terrible.Copy !req
452. Eh...Copy !req
453. Bob, be real.Copy !req
454. You don't agree with
all this stuff, right?Copy !req
455. I mean, you don't think
everyone should own a gun?Copy !req
456. Oh, no.Copy !req
457. They should own two guns: one
for animals, one for people.Copy !req
458. Bob!Copy !req
459. God.Copy !req
460. Of course.Copy !req
461. Here you go.Copy !req
462. Oh, ah...Copy !req
463. I don't know if I can.Copy !req
464. Sorry.Copy !req
465. I honestly don't know what
my book says about alcohol.Copy !req
466. Your book?Copy !req
467. You mean like a Bible?Copy !req
468. Uh, kinda, but less sci-fi.Copy !req
469. Um...Copy !req
470. Oh...Copy !req
471. Okay, but alcohol's
not really my trigger.Copy !req
472. "Trigger." Now you're
speaking my language.Copy !req
473. Let's get sauced.Copy !req
474. Let's do some shots.Copy !req
475. Come on.Copy !req
476. Okay.Copy !req
477. The news is great on shots.Copy !req
478. All right.Copy !req
479. Here we go.Copy !req
480. All right, cheers.Copy !req
481. Mmm.Copy !req
482. Mmm.Copy !req
483. Whoo!Copy !req
484. Ooh, it burns like
a spicy salsa party!Copy !req
485. Yes, yes.Copy !req
486. It feels so good.Copy !req
487. Hey.Copy !req
488. Hey!Copy !req
489. Hi!Copy !req
490. Oh.Copy !req
491. This looks like a fun time.Copy !req
492. Uh-huh, yeah.Copy !req
493. Hey, Rebecca, do you have a
second to come talk to me in theCopy !req
494. kitchen?Copy !req
495. Yeah, I'll be right there.Copy !req
496. I'm just busy getting a
C-plus in getting D-runk!Copy !req
497. Yeah.Copy !req
498. Oh, there you go.Copy !req
499. You're doing very well.Copy !req
500. She's doing very well.Copy !req
501. Oh, thank you.Copy !req
502. Very well.Copy !req
503. (Rebecca and Bob continue
chattering) I'm gonnaCopy !req
504. whiz and, uh, hit the hay.Copy !req
505. Okay.Copy !req
506. Good night, Bob.Copy !req
507. That was fun.Copy !req
508. Oh, is Paula back yet?Copy !req
509. I wonder if she's in bed.Copy !req
510. Oh.Copy !req
511. Sequoia.Copy !req
512. You came!Copy !req
513. You're here.Copy !req
514. Well, I wanted to see the Z/28.Copy !req
515. And that is the only
reason I'm here.Copy !req
516. Well...Copy !req
517. I don't care why you're here.Copy !req
518. I'm just happy to see you.Copy !req
519. You're throwing
wrenches at me now?Copy !req
520. Hmm.Copy !req
521. Oh.Copy !req
522. Ooh.Copy !req
523. Ooh.Copy !req
524. Let's see.Copy !req
525. Big
boy's back in the game.Copy !req
526. Who's got it?Copy !req
527. Got it...Copy !req
528. Oh, my God.Copy !req
529. What is that?Copy !req
530. No...Copy !req
531. Not today.Copy !req
532. I have a date.Copy !req
533. Ow.Copy !req
534. Ow!Copy !req
535. GoodCopy !req
536. morning.Copy !req
537. Mm.Copy !req
538. Did you sleep well?Copy !req
539. Yeah.Copy !req
540. Hi.Copy !req
541. Where were you last night?Copy !req
542. I got up to pee at some point,
and I went to check on you,Copy !req
543. and you weren't in your bed.Copy !req
544. I may have number one'd
in one of your drawers.Copy !req
545. No, I did.Copy !req
546. I definitely did.Copy !req
547. I'm sorry, I was drunk.Copy !req
548. I went out.Copy !req
549. I, uh...Copy !req
550. saw an old friend who was fixing
up an old Camaro downtown,Copy !req
551. and I happen to
love those, so...Copy !req
552. Oh, right, you love cars.Copy !req
553. I always forget that because
it doesn't interest me.Copy !req
554. Well, I'm
glad you did that.Copy !req
555. Good for you.Copy !req
556. You deserve to have a
little late-night party fun.Copy !req
557. You never do anything
for yourself.Copy !req
558. Well, you know.Copy !req
559. Sometimes I do.Copy !req
560. You really don't, though.Copy !req
561. You're always too busy being a
good wife and mom and friend andCopy !req
562. co-worker.Copy !req
563. You're like
everyone's big spoon.Copy !req
564. You're so reliable.Copy !req
565. You look so pretty.Copy !req
566. Where you going?Copy !req
567. Oh, um...Copy !req
568. I'm going to see the friend.Copy !req
569. Who's your friend?Copy !req
570. My friend?Copy !req
571. Um...Copy !req
572. He— she...Copy !req
573. She's a she.Copy !req
574. Sheila Girlface.Copy !req
575. "Sheila Girlface"?Copy !req
576. Yeah, well, it's
Girlfacce, but, you know,Copy !req
577. they had to change
it at Ellis Island.Copy !req
578. Assimilation is a rape.Copy !req
579. Anyway, uh, my friend invited me
to Saturday Mass this morning.Copy !req
580. You want to come?Copy !req
581. Uh...Copy !req
582. Oh, it sounds awesome.Copy !req
583. Um...Copy !req
584. but Bob and I got
to check his traps.Copy !req
585. For raccoons, and people's
stupid small dogs.Copy !req
586. Both make cool hats, apparently.Copy !req
587. Wow, you two really get along.Copy !req
588. I'm sorry.Copy !req
589. Is it annoying?Copy !req
590. Should I stop?Copy !req
591. I can stop.Copy !req
592. It's a little
annoying, but, listen,Copy !req
593. you're really doing me a favor.Copy !req
594. You're taking care of him, and
so I'm free to do what I want toCopy !req
595. do, which is go to church.Copy !req
596. Okay, bye.Copy !req
597. Okay.Copy !req
598. Tell God I say...Copy !req
599. well, he knows how I feel.Copy !req
600. Thank God.Copy !req
601. I was waiting for her to leave.Copy !req
602. Was so wasted last night, I
went in one of her drawers.Copy !req
603. So did I.Copy !req
604. I thought that was you!Copy !req
605. Hey.Copy !req
606. Hey!Copy !req
607. This is a nice surprise.Copy !req
608. I have baseball practice.Copy !req
609. What are you doing here?Copy !req
610. Well, Madison said to meet her.Copy !req
611. She wanted to
practice her slider.Copy !req
612. Ah.Copy !req
613. Ooh.Copy !req
614. Oh, look.Copy !req
615. She's like the sweetest...Copy !req
616. Sliders are not really a
thing in softball, are they?Copy !req
617. Uh...Copy !req
618. Oh, look at that
little sleep sack.Copy !req
619. Isn't that cute?Copy !req
620. What a clever solution for
transitioning out of theCopy !req
621. swaddle.Copy !req
622. Wait a second.Copy !req
623. Did you set this up?Copy !req
624. Are you trying to force
the baby issue again?Copy !req
625. What?Copy !req
626. No!Copy !req
627. Me?Copy !req
628. No.Copy !req
629. I mean, I'm not even
here to meet you.Copy !req
630. I'm here to meet Madis— oh.Copy !req
631. Oh, my God.Copy !req
632. Oh, man.Copy !req
633. No.Copy !req
634. This must have been Madison.Copy !req
635. No, she does stuff like this.Copy !req
636. Oh, she is so clever.Copy !req
637. What she did was she knew that
there was a baby shower today,Copy !req
638. and she had both of us come here
so we could have our little babyCopy !req
639. fight.Copy !req
640. Why would
she want that?Copy !req
641. Well, because she wants to
break us up because she wants aCopy !req
642. sibling.Copy !req
643. Oh.Copy !req
644. Oh.Copy !req
645. Wow.Copy !req
646. Yeah, I mean, she's really
trying to push the issueCopy !req
647. because, you know, you and I
have been at this impasse soCopy !req
648. long.Copy !req
649. Yeah.Copy !req
650. Yeah, we have.Copy !req
651. Joshua.Copy !req
652. The truth is...Copy !req
653. oh, this is so hard
to do, because I...Copy !req
654. I love you a lot, but...Copy !req
655. I'm not happy anymore
because of this.Copy !req
656. Maybe having a baby
started out as a whim,Copy !req
657. but it's what I want
for my life now.Copy !req
658. And you don't want a
baby, maybe not ever.Copy !req
659. I mean, you made that clear,
and, t-that's not gonna change.Copy !req
660. Yeah.Copy !req
661. Yeah.Copy !req
662. No, I know.Copy !req
663. I mean, I am always
gonna care about you.Copy !req
664. I really am.Copy !req
665. 'Cause I love you.Copy !req
666. I...Copy !req
667. I love you, too.Copy !req
668. But...Copy !req
669. Yeah.Copy !req
670. Oh.Copy !req
671. Oh, wait.Copy !req
672. So this is...Copy !req
673. Yeah, I guess it is.Copy !req
674. God, this sucks.Copy !req
675. I don't know what
to do— can we...Copy !req
676. Can we still be friends,
or...? I don't know.Copy !req
677. I mean, I would love that.Copy !req
678. But that just sounds
so hard right now.Copy !req
679. Did a nine-year-old just trick
us into doing something weCopy !req
680. weren't brave enough
to do ourselves?Copy !req
681. I think so.Copy !req
682. Huh.Copy !req
683. I don't understand what
you feel so bad about.Copy !req
684. So you had a little phone
action with some guy.Copy !req
685. Where's the harm in that?Copy !req
686. I mean, I do it, too.Copy !req
687. For $9.95 an hour, you
get a real French girl.Copy !req
688. They're not French, Bob.Copy !req
689. They're French enough.Copy !req
690. Go ahead.Copy !req
691. Give it another try.Copy !req
692. Are you sure?Copy !req
693. I don't want to
break more stuff.Copy !req
694. Oh, come on.Copy !req
695. Live a little.Copy !req
696. Have a vodka, dingle yourself
while you're texting a guy,Copy !req
697. throw a dart out the window.Copy !req
698. Go ahead.Copy !req
699. Or behind you.Copy !req
700. Throw it behind you.Copy !req
701. How does that feel?Copy !req
702. Feels good, right?Copy !req
703. Yeah, you know what?Copy !req
704. It does feel good to
be outside the bubble.Copy !req
705. You're right.Copy !req
706. I'm having the best
time right now.Copy !req
707. You're like the dad I never had.Copy !req
708. You didn't have a dad?Copy !req
709. I do, but he sucks.Copy !req
710. I'll get it.Copy !req
711. I just made a
new buddy He and I bonded rightCopy !req
712. away It was a piece of cake with
no emotional stakes I got onlyCopy !req
713. good things to say About my
friend's dad My friend's dadCopy !req
714. It's all the fun of having a dad
Without the painful history SheCopy !req
715. has spunk And he's a literal
drunk But that don't bother meCopy !req
716. 'Cause he's not my dad He's my
friend's dad It's the healthiestCopy !req
717. relationship I've had with a
man That fact I must confess HeCopy !req
718. doesn't push my buttons 'Cept
the buttons on this cuteCopy !req
719. dress...Copy !req
720. Doot, doot, doot!Copy !req
721. It's nothing but
platonic His bigotry's ironic...Copy !req
722. I like you.Copy !req
723. You barely complain
for a Jewish.Copy !req
724. Oh, you.Copy !req
725. If we were related We'd
probably fight a lot Wait,Copy !req
726. what about Jews?Copy !req
727. Here, have some more
booze What was I saying?Copy !req
728. Oh, well I forgot, glug, glug My
friend's dad My friend's dad AndCopy !req
729. when she's not around I
think about her naked...Copy !req
730. Huh?Copy !req
731. Nothing, kiddo.Copy !req
732. My friend's dad.Copy !req
733. The V8 engine is man's
greatest artistic achievement.Copy !req
734. Yeah, it's like the Sistine
Chapel of car stuff.Copy !req
735. (music volume
increases) Do you believe...Copy !req
736. You want to dance?Copy !req
737. Me?Copy !req
738. Do you see any other
beautiful women in here?Copy !req
739. Uh...Copy !req
740. In letting Me hold...Copy !req
741. Oh.Copy !req
742. You tight...Copy !req
743. What?Copy !req
744. Kissed you good night
I want to know Please tell meCopy !req
745. so...Copy !req
746. What are we doing?Copy !req
747. We're just two old
friends, catching up.Copy !req
748. Do you believe...Copy !req
749. Going back in time.Copy !req
750. Like Outlander.Copy !req
751. What?Copy !req
752. Oh, God, you make
me feel like I am 17 again,Copy !req
753. and all my worries
are just gone.Copy !req
754. In my real life, I'm
always someone's mom,Copy !req
755. someone's best friend,
someone's errand girl, but...Copy !req
756. you make me feel...Copy !req
757. special.Copy !req
758. And you make me
feel like a terrible dancer.Copy !req
759. You got moves.Copy !req
760. Wha— oh, ooh!Copy !req
761. Whoa, whoa,
whoa Oo Yeah...Copy !req
762. So...Copy !req
763. Uh, I'll call you?Copy !req
764. I guess.Copy !req
765. Is that...Copy !req
766. Yes, no.Copy !req
767. I...Copy !req
768. I'll just see you around.Copy !req
769. Maybe?Copy !req
770. Well, we've been saying
good-bye for about two hours.Copy !req
771. So, guess we should...Copy !req
772. probably go.Copy !req
773. Yeah, you're right.Copy !req
774. Who should go first?Copy !req
775. Uh...Copy !req
776. Here comes the big boy.Copy !req
777. (dance music
playing) Hey, there.Copy !req
778. Can I make you a Joshtini?Copy !req
779. Oh, my God.Copy !req
780. Oh, my God.Copy !req
781. Sit down, sit down.Copy !req
782. Look at this.Copy !req
783. Oh, no.Copy !req
784. Actually, we're on our way out.Copy !req
785. What?Copy !req
786. No.Copy !req
787. No, you can't leave.Copy !req
788. What are you— look at Josh.Copy !req
789. You guys can't miss this.Copy !req
790. He thinks he's Tom
Cruise in Cocktail.Copy !req
791. It-it's amazing.Copy !req
792. Yeah.Copy !req
793. Cannot be missed.Copy !req
794. Okay.Copy !req
795. I'm staying.Copy !req
796. Yes.Copy !req
797. You're making the right call.Copy !req
798. Ah...Copy !req
799. I'm starting to
worry about Paula.Copy !req
800. She's not answering her phone,
she's been at church for, like,Copy !req
801. nine hours.Copy !req
802. Church?Copy !req
803. Nine hours on a Saturday?Copy !req
804. Well, yeah.Copy !req
805. I mean, she said she ran
into a friend with, like,Copy !req
806. a cool Camaro or something?Copy !req
807. Um, oh, right, her name
is Sheila Girlfacce.Copy !req
808. You probably know her
as Sheila Girlface.Copy !req
809. So, that's a fake name.Copy !req
810. I fell for that.Copy !req
811. Camaro?Copy !req
812. I know what this is about.Copy !req
813. Come on, let's go.Copy !req
814. You told me...Copy !req
815. Can I ask you something?Copy !req
816. Anything.Copy !req
817. Do you ever think about us?Copy !req
818. Do you ever regret our breakup?Copy !req
819. But there is one thing...Copy !req
820. You want the truth?Copy !req
821. I really do.Copy !req
822. Yeah.Copy !req
823. I regret it.Copy !req
824. Big-time.Copy !req
825. Before you...Copy !req
826. Really?Copy !req
827. Yeah.Copy !req
828. I never should've let you go.Copy !req
829. It was a big mistake.Copy !req
830. When you leave me, no...Copy !req
831. Ooh!Copy !req
832. Well...Copy !req
833. that was all I needed.Copy !req
834. What?Copy !req
835. Yeah.Copy !req
836. Take one step
closer to her and I'll turn youCopy !req
837. into a great soprano.Copy !req
838. Paula, what's going on?Copy !req
839. Who is that?Copy !req
840. This is Jeff, the guy
that broke Paula's heart.Copy !req
841. She drew pictures of his johnson
with hearts around it for yearsCopy !req
842. after that.Copy !req
843. Dad, why do you know that?Copy !req
844. Because you left your diary
on that shelf in the bathroom.Copy !req
845. Dad, would you put the gun down?Copy !req
846. I was leaving, anyway.Copy !req
847. It was so good to see
you again and it was so good toCopy !req
848. hear you say what you said.Copy !req
849. Thank you.Copy !req
850. All right, let's go.Copy !req
851. Give me the keys.Copy !req
852. I'm driving.Copy !req
853. No, no, no, it's okay.Copy !req
854. Bob can drive.Copy !req
855. He drives really
well when he's drunk.Copy !req
856. (chuckles
softly) Ah, yeah.Copy !req
857. Damn.Copy !req
858. Like a curtain...Copy !req
859. She's a
beauty, I'm the beast...Copy !req
860. Oh, my gosh.Copy !req
861. Yeah, he's really going for it.Copy !req
862. Oh.Copy !req
863. Oh!Copy !req
864. What is that thing on his face?Copy !req
865. I don't
know, but it's alive.Copy !req
866. I can't look away.Copy !req
867. I should, but I can't.Copy !req
868. Whoa.Copy !req
869. Oh, my God.Copy !req
870. Whoa.Copy !req
871. Josh, um, your face is infected.Copy !req
872. You didn't, like, touch some
dirty glasses and then try toCopy !req
873. pop a pimple on
your face, did you?Copy !req
874. No,
I'm not an idiot.Copy !req
875. You're just afraid to compete.Copy !req
876. No.Copy !req
877. I'm serious.Copy !req
878. I think that's a
staph infection.Copy !req
879. JOSH: Oh,
oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
880. Here we go.Copy !req
881. Light shining
through the window...Copy !req
882. Huh?Copy !req
883. You like that?Copy !req
884. - Window
Like light through a window...Copy !req
885. For you, my lady.Copy !req
886. Hey, Josh.Copy !req
887. So, um, I'm a nurse and that
looks like a staph infection.Copy !req
888. Guys, I'm fine.Copy !req
889. Check this out.Copy !req
890. Hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey An we'll be on...Copy !req
891. (all gasping,
groaning) I'm gonna go.Copy !req
892. Bye.Copy !req
893. REBECCA:
So, you didn't kiss?Copy !req
894. No, thank God.Copy !req
895. Scott was right.Copy !req
896. I have always treated him like
the consolation prize and it'sCopy !req
897. because Jeff rejected me.Copy !req
898. He was always this ideal
thing that I couldn't have,Copy !req
899. but I got to reject him, so now
he's no longer on some kind ofCopy !req
900. pedestal.Copy !req
901. I can finally move on from
wondering what could've beenCopy !req
902. with Jeff Channington because
this time I got to make theCopy !req
903. choice.Copy !req
904. Wow.Copy !req
905. Paula, I just, it blows my mind
that I didn't know any of this.Copy !req
906. You know that I want you to
tell me this stuff, right?Copy !req
907. Babe...Copy !req
908. you are trying to get better
after something really huge andCopy !req
909. traumatic.Copy !req
910. I do not want to burden you.Copy !req
911. I want to take care of you.Copy !req
912. No, no, no, that's what you've
always done, Paula, and...Copy !req
913. I love that ever since
we met you have tried to be likeCopy !req
914. my mom, but from now on, how
about we just be best friends?Copy !req
915. But you're the little spoon and
I'm the big spoon and that's howCopy !req
916. it works.Copy !req
917. I mean, you said so yourself.Copy !req
918. I shouldn't have said that.Copy !req
919. That's not what we should be.Copy !req
920. I mean, 'cause you know what
size spoons fit together theCopy !req
921. best?Copy !req
922. No.Copy !req
923. Same-size spoons.Copy !req
924. Aw.Copy !req
925. Hey.Copy !req
926. They do.Copy !req
927. That's perfect.Copy !req
928. Yeah, I
just thought of that.Copy !req
929. I like that.Copy !req
930. Same-size spoons.Copy !req
931. Okay.Copy !req
932. I like it.Copy !req
933. How you feeling,
flair champ of West Covina?Copy !req
934. I have ten more
days of antibiotics.Copy !req
935. You were right.Copy !req
936. It was a staph infection.Copy !req
937. Heather, I could've died.Copy !req
938. I took people's germs and
smeared them into my face.Copy !req
939. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
940. Feel so stupid.Copy !req
941. I was so wrong.Copy !req
942. I'm not a big boy,
I'm a small boy.Copy !req
943. Oh.Copy !req
944. Look, dumb stuff happens
to all of us, Josh.Copy !req
945. Don't, like, beat yourself up.Copy !req
946. And also, you're a man.Copy !req
947. Oh, that was the word.Copy !req
948. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
949. Heather...Copy !req
950. I'm spiraling.Copy !req
951. I have no apartment, no
relationship, no career goals.Copy !req
952. I just feel like there's no
ground under me, you know?Copy !req
953. Yeah.Copy !req
954. Well, you'll figure it out.Copy !req
955. I'm still figuring
things out and I'm, like,Copy !req
956. way smarter and
cooler than you are.Copy !req
957. Are you?Copy !req
958. Yeah.Copy !req
959. I am.Copy !req
960. You do magic.Copy !req
961. Exactly.Copy !req
962. Exactly.Copy !req
963. All right.Copy !req
964. We got to get to the airport.Copy !req
965. So, um, thanks for trying
to shoot Jeff, Dad.Copy !req
966. Meant a lot.Copy !req
967. Yeah, well, thanks for
coming and visiting me.Copy !req
968. I mean, I know I'm just an old
pain who reads your diaries andCopy !req
969. number-twos in your drawers.Copy !req
970. What?Copy !req
971. Bob,
you're the worst.Copy !req
972. Okay, let's go.Copy !req
973. Hey, wait a minute, Paula.Copy !req
974. Uh...Copy !req
975. Rebecca tells me
that you're, uh,Copy !req
976. first in your class
in law school.Copy !req
977. Um...Copy !req
978. I didn't know you
were smart like that.Copy !req
979. Yeah, I am.Copy !req
980. I'm really smart.Copy !req
981. All right, you don't have to
hit me over the head with it.Copy !req
982. But, uh, it would be nice if
you guys came back and visitedCopy !req
983. again.Copy !req
984. Thanks, my friend's dad.Copy !req
985. Oh.Copy !req
986. Okay, I'll be in the car.Copy !req
987. Okay.Copy !req
988. (knocking
on door) Hi.Copy !req
989. Hi.Copy !req
990. How was your trip?Copy !req
991. So, remember the day I chased
you around the conference roomCopy !req
992. and then jumped on you like
a flying squirrel move?Copy !req
993. I do.Copy !req
994. Yes.Copy !req
995. Okay, stand back.Copy !req
996. Mmm.Copy !req
997. Are you sure this is okay
with your therapy thing?Copy !req
998. Just shut up.Copy !req
999. What?Copy !req
1000. We shouldn't keep pie in here.Copy !req
1001. Hey, honey.Copy !req
1002. How's your dad?Copy !req
1003. Same.Copy !req
1004. Mm, want some?Copy !req
1005. Sure.Copy !req
1006. So, I want to talk to
you about something.Copy !req
1007. It's important.Copy !req
1008. If I could...Copy !req
1009. go through a magical stone wall
and pick any man in any timeCopy !req
1010. period in any universe...Copy !req
1011. I would pick Brad Pitt
in Thelma & Louise.Copy !req
1012. Strong choice.Copy !req
1013. Me same.Copy !req
1014. And when he turned me down...Copy !req
1015. I'd pick you.Copy !req
1016. Really?Copy !req
1017. Yeah.Copy !req
1018. Every day of the week.Copy !req
1019. Right back at you.Copy !req
1020. So, I went to
Buffalo, drank a ton of vodka,Copy !req
1021. sexted with a guy, damaged a
house with darts and urine,Copy !req
1022. got in a car with a drunk guy—
oops— watched that guy threatenCopy !req
1023. another guy with a gun, and I
farted a ton on the plane on theCopy !req
1024. way back because no
one could hear it,Copy !req
1025. and I just had a ton
of sex with my ex-boss.Copy !req
1026. So, how's that for getting
out of the therapy bubble?Copy !req
1027. Wow, that is not in
any workbook I know of.Copy !req
1028. You know, my whole life, I've
only known how to be, like,Copy !req
1029. really good or really bad.Copy !req
1030. But being a human...Copy !req
1031. is living in that
kind of in-between space,Copy !req
1032. it's making mistakes, and
that's very scary, but...Copy !req
1033. also very cool.Copy !req
1034. Great work.Copy !req
1035. You, my friend, get an
A-plus on your C-plus.Copy !req
1036. Yes!Copy !req
1037. And I got this just for you.Copy !req
1038. Pick one.Copy !req
1039. Oh.Copy !req
1040. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
1041. It smells like grape.Copy !req