1. Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...Copy !req
2. Oh, I'm so embarrassed
that I caused such a scene.Copy !req
3. And I didn't,Copy !req
4. I didn't even want to die.Copy !req
5. I just wanted the pain to stop.Copy !req
6. - You don't want to have a baby, do you?
- No.Copy !req
7. - What are we gonna do?
- I don't know.Copy !req
8. Are you sure you don't
need to go be at home?Copy !req
9. What about your kids?Copy !req
10. I am where I should be. Which is...Copy !req
11. right by your side.Copy !req
12. It is my opinionCopy !req
13. that you exhibit many
of the characteristicsCopy !req
14. of borderline personality disorder.Copy !req
15. I'm here for you.Copy !req
16. That really means a lot.Copy !req
17. Hey, Heather.Copy !req
18. What up, what up, what up, what up?Copy !req
19. - You're in a good mood.
- Yeah.Copy !req
20. Wow. Someone did some shopping.Copy !req
21. Yes, I'm very excited.Copy !req
22. Can't believe your doctor
gave you so much homework.Copy !req
23. Oh, no, you know, he only
assigned me one of those books,Copy !req
24. but I just figured, if
filling out one book is good,Copy !req
25. filling out all of them
must be even better.Copy !req
26. You're such an A student.Copy !req
27. God, I miss being a student.Copy !req
28. Is there something you can fill out
when you used to be a student,Copy !req
29. but now you're not a student?Copy !req
30. I think it's called a job application.Copy !req
31. Oh.Copy !req
32. Ah. Mm, okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.Copy !req
33. Oh... let's see.Copy !req
34. “Exercise One: Scan your body
for any signs of distress.” MmmCopy !req
35. Initiating body scan.Copy !req
36. Oh, these pants feel tight.
They are tight in the crotch.Copy !req
37. These are terrible pants. I
should get rid of these pants.Copy !req
38. Please don't take your
pants off in front of me,Copy !req
39. I know you haven't done laundry lately.Copy !req
40. I'm actually wearing
your bikini bottoms.Copy !req
41. You can keep 'em.Copy !req
42. Thank you.Copy !req
43. Did all the books.Copy !req
44. Are you proud of me?Copy !req
45. I don't know if you keep
stickers around, but if you do,Copy !req
46. I prefer
scratch-n-sniff, so...Copy !req
47. Rebecca, I applaud your work ethic,Copy !req
48. but recovery is not about
assigning yourself homeworkCopy !req
49. and doing it in record time.Copy !req
50. So you're saying I set a record.Copy !req
51. I know you want an A-plus,
but I need to challenge youCopy !req
52. to get a different type of grade.Copy !req
53. What's better than an A-plus?Copy !req
54. A C-plus.Copy !req
55. I know by doing this work,Copy !req
56. you want to get better quickly,Copy !req
57. but for someone like
you, the overachievingCopy !req
58. is part of the issue.Copy !req
59. You need to relax.Copy !req
60. Relax? Okay, is that what they
told you to do at Syracuse?Copy !req
61. I'm sor... I'm sorry,
Syracuse is a lovely schoolCopy !req
62. for... communications or something.Copy !req
63. Hey, you need to put the pencil down.Copy !req
64. You have been in a therapy bubble.Copy !req
65. All right? It is time to take
steps into the real world.Copy !req
66. The real world? No,
no, I don't want that,Copy !req
67. 'cause what if I mess things up?Copy !req
68. Then that's okay.Copy !req
69. Go out there and make some messes,Copy !req
70. have some adventures.Copy !req
71. And stop being so hard on yourself.Copy !req
72. I mean, you're right.
I am hard on myself.Copy !req
73. God, it's one of my worst qualities.Copy !req
74. God, I'm such a dumb, loser,Copy !req
75. - hard-on-myself bitch.
- That.Copy !req
76. Stop doing that.Copy !req
77. I just don't want to fail.Copy !req
78. You need to redefine failure.Copy !req
79. As I did, when I only
got into my safety school.Copy !req
80. Oh, ho...Copy !req
81. That's a beauty.Copy !req
82. Hey! Look, I made special pancakesCopy !req
83. with a sports theme.Copy !req
84. Basketball, soccer ball,
baseball, golf ball.Copy !req
85. Those are just circles, Mom.Copy !req
86. Oh, wait till you hear
what happened this morning.Copy !req
87. Okay, so Grandma callsCopy !req
88. and she said she's got this
church retreat in MinnesotaCopy !req
89. that she has to go to,Copy !req
90. and she wants me... to stay with Granpa.Copy !req
91. 'Cause he fell down
'cause he's old or...Copy !req
92. Cough, cough... alcoholic.Copy !req
93. What is she thinking?Copy !req
94. Like I would ever go and do that.Copy !req
95. You guys know how much my dad annoys me.Copy !req
96. Who's ready for an egg-n-cheese Sammy?Copy !req
97. - I am.
- Me, too.Copy !req
98. So hungry.Copy !req
99. You're going out to breakfast?Copy !req
100. I mean, what are you talking about?Copy !req
101. While you were busy with
Rebecca, we got a new routine.Copy !req
102. We do drive-through for breakfast now.Copy !req
103. - Yeah. Let's get going.
- Starving. Mmm. - Yeah, same.Copy !req
104. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
105. - So hungry.
- Craving those sandwiches.Copy !req
106. Hey, Scott.Copy !req
107. Yeah, it's the best.Copy !req
108. Look, I know I was AWOL with Rebecca,Copy !req
109. but I'm back. I'm here.Copy !req
110. I am doing laundry,
I am flushing toilets,Copy !req
111. I am helping with homework.Copy !req
112. Okay, let's face it,
I am doing homework.Copy !req
113. Yeah, but we don't know
how long this is gonna last.Copy !req
114. You go through phases.Copy !req
115. Before Rebecca, there
were those vampire novels.Copy !req
116. Sudoku, and then there was the obsessionCopy !req
117. with Amal Clooney's outfits.Copy !req
118. She is a style icon and a barrister.Copy !req
119. There's always something
you're obsessed withCopy !req
120. and, uh, eh, it's kind of never us.Copy !req
121. We're like a, I don't
know, a chore or something.Copy !req
122. You're not a chore.Copy !req
123. This is my life and I have accepted it.Copy !req
124. My life is chores and workingCopy !req
125. and studying and never
having enough timeCopy !req
126. to finish the last season
of Outlander, it's fine.Copy !req
127. I wasn't trying to start something.Copy !req
128. You do your best.Copy !req
129. But it always feels like
there's some part of youCopy !req
130. that's not really here.Copy !req
131. Why is that? Hmm.Copy !req
132. Don't know.Copy !req
133. I'm in just such a transitional
time right now, you know?Copy !req
134. Tell me about it.Copy !req
135. My voice is cracking,Copy !req
136. hair is appearing in
very strange places,Copy !req
137. and my armpits are
starting to smell like...Copy !req
138. like armpits.Copy !req
139. But I'm supposed to be past that.Copy !req
140. I'm a big boy.Copy !req
141. What's the word for that?Copy !req
142. - Man.
- Yeah.Copy !req
143. Man, what is the word for that?Copy !req
144. Josh, I couldn't help but overhearCopy !req
145. as I was trying to overhear.Copy !req
146. You're looking for a job, huh?Copy !req
147. I really need a job.Copy !req
148. I'm on indefinite suspension
from Aloha so I'm broke.Copy !req
149. We've been looking for a bartender.Copy !req
150. You interested?Copy !req
151. Bartending? Huh.Copy !req
152. I ought it was kind of
lame when Greg did it,Copy !req
153. but I bet I could make it cool.Copy !req
154. I am really coordinated because
of my martial arts and my magic.Copy !req
155. I bet I could pick up
some dope Cocktail tricks pretty fast.Copy !req
156. We mostly serve beer,Copy !req
157. so we don't need anything fancy.Copy !req
158. Thanks for not cheering
too loud at my game today.Copy !req
159. I know it was hard.Copy !req
160. Yeah, I tried to reign it in,Copy !req
161. but it is hard because
Madison is rad-ison.Copy !req
162. I'll excuse it because you're
going through a tough time.Copy !req
163. I mean, you just broke
up with your boyfriend.Copy !req
164. You did break up with him, right?Copy !req
165. - What?
- Come on!Copy !req
166. You want to have a baby. He doesn't.Copy !req
167. I know, but it's so hard.Copy !req
168. I still care about him. I love him.Copy !req
169. You got to rip off the Band-Aid.Copy !req
170. That's how I broke up with Jimmy.Copy !req
171. I ripped off his Band-Aid.Copy !req
172. Here he is. Do it.Copy !req
173. Joshua!Copy !req
174. My dad has something to tell you.Copy !req
175. - Oh, yeah?
- Um...Copy !req
176. What's up?Copy !req
177. Um...Copy !req
178. Madison won her game.Copy !req
179. Oh, nice, Madison. Way to go.Copy !req
180. So you really think about
going back to Buffalo?Copy !req
181. Nobody appreciates me
at my house right now.Copy !req
182. I mean, I might as well.Copy !req
183. Scott has been so pissy lately.Copy !req
184. Oh, sometimes I wish I
could just touch a stone wallCopy !req
185. and go back to 1743 to
be with my other husband,Copy !req
186. the Scottish warrior, and you
don't watch Outlander, do you?Copy !req
187. - Mm, sorry.
- Like, none of thisCopy !req
188. makes any sense to you.Copy !req
189. - Okay.
- Anyway, Paula, are youCopy !req
190. sure you want to go back and
hang out with your dad? I mean,Copy !req
191. you hate him; he makes you
feel horrible about yourself.Copy !req
192. Yeah, no, I wasn't gonna go,Copy !req
193. but, you know, he needs meCopy !req
194. and, I mean, Buffalo's
gonna be messy, but...Copy !req
195. at least it's kind of an adventure.Copy !req
196. A messy adventure, you say?Copy !req
197. That sounds fun.Copy !req
198. You know, I've always
wanted to go to Buffalo.Copy !req
199. - You have?
- Yes, yes.Copy !req
200. Ever since I saw Bruce Almighty.Copy !req
201. - Oh, my...
- Paula. Paula,Copy !req
202. no, this is perfect. This is
exactly the kind of adventureCopy !req
203. that Dr. Shin was talking about.Copy !req
204. Let me come with you.Copy !req
205. - Really?
- Yeah.Copy !req
206. Yeah, come in, Paula.Copy !req
207. Hey.Copy !req
208. Oh. I just, uh,Copy !req
209. wanted to come check on you.Copy !req
210. You know, like men do.Copy !req
211. Haven't seen you in a
while. Everything good?Copy !req
212. You're not running away again, are you?Copy !req
213. No, no, no, I'm just, I'm going
on a quick trip with Paula.Copy !req
214. I'm trying to get out of my
bubble, my therapy bubble.Copy !req
215. It's why I've been kind of
MIA from everything, so, sorry.Copy !req
216. Oh, no, don't be sorry.
It's, it's good to see you.Copy !req
217. Yeah.Copy !req
218. Might have missed you a little bit.Copy !req
219. I don't know. Prob-Probably not.Copy !req
220. I'm probably just feeling a little weirdCopy !req
221. because I accidentally
had dairy yesterday.Copy !req
222. I asked for a grilled cheese
sandwich, but I said “no cheese,Copy !req
223. no bread, I just want
a hot, salty tomato"Copy !req
224. But, you know, they don't listen.Copy !req
225. Cool. What a roundabout explanationCopy !req
226. for wanting to come see a friend.Copy !req
227. Come here.Copy !req
228. - I don't know if I can have sex.
- Huh?Copy !req
229. I don't know if the books
say that I can have sex yet.Copy !req
230. I mean, and I definitely am
not ready for a relationship.Copy !req
231. Not that that's what
you're trying to do.Copy !req
232. I don't know what I'm saying.
You're a really good hugger.Copy !req
233. Oh, thank you.Copy !req
234. The thing is, I would loveCopy !req
235. to have sex with you again.Copy !req
236. Like, I'm talking to you here right now,Copy !req
237. but there's another version of me...Copy !req
238. Like, an alternate version
in a parallel universe...Copy !req
239. That's just ripping your clothes offCopy !req
240. right now and climbing you
like the sequoia you are,Copy !req
241. you know what I'm sayin'?Copy !req
242. - Sequoia?
- Yeah.Copy !req
243. 'Cause you're, like, tall and hard,Copy !req
244. and wooden, and sexy,
and native to California,Copy !req
245. so just get out of here, please.
Please just get out of here.Copy !req
246. - Okay. All right. I'm-a go.
- Go.Copy !req
247. But... I'm-a go sexy.Copy !req
248. Why is Nathaniel leaving so sexy?Copy !req
249. It's a whole thing. Let's just go.Copy !req
250. Okay. No. Mm, no.Copy !req
251. Hey, Dad.Copy !req
252. Look who's home from Hollywood.Copy !req
253. It's West Covina.Copy !req
254. It's not even close to Hollywood.Copy !req
255. This is my friend, Rebecca.Copy !req
256. Look, enough with the pleasantries.Copy !req
257. Your mother told you
come and babysit me.Copy !req
258. I don't need it.Copy !req
259. I fell, I got a giant
bruise on my ass cheek.Copy !req
260. Other than that, I'm perfect.Copy !req
261. Hey, isn't that the girl
your mother told me about?Copy !req
262. She, uh, kind of sucks
at killing herself?Copy !req
263. Dad!Copy !req
264. Hey, I know this guy from
my old precinct in Brooklyn,Copy !req
265. he tried to shoot himself in his footCopy !req
266. to get workers' comp.Copy !req
267. Blew off his willie.Copy !req
268. You're like that guy.Copy !req
269. Oh, my God, Rebecca, I am so sorry.Copy !req
270. No, no, no. It-It's okay.Copy !req
271. Wait, wait, so the guy
just blew off the willie?Copy !req
272. Not the entire package?Copy !req
273. So that means he just missed outCopy !req
274. on becoming, like, a great soprano?Copy !req
275. By a hair.Copy !req
276. He's funny.Copy !req
277. He's really not.Copy !req
278. Paula doesn't have a
sense of humor. Never has.Copy !req
279. That's why she's not likable.Copy !req
280. Hey,Copy !req
281. I'm not saying anything you don't know.Copy !req
282. You have other qualities.Copy !req
283. You're sturdy.Copy !req
284. Would've made a great defensive tackle.Copy !req
285. Well, see, Paula? That's-that's
a genderless compliment.Copy !req
286. Yeah, you know, I
always actually wonderedCopy !req
287. if maybe Paula had a
pecker, a little one,Copy !req
288. you know what I'm saying?Copy !req
289. Okay, never mind. I'm sorry.Copy !req
290. You know what?Copy !req
291. I'm gonna go to the market.Copy !req
292. 'Cause I'll bet all
you got in the fridgeCopy !req
293. is artillery and vodka.Copy !req
294. Oh, I'm almost out of vodka.Copy !req
295. Go ahead. I'll stay with him.Copy !req
296. Bye.Copy !req
297. Hey, would you like to seeCopy !req
298. a big turd I left in the toilet?Copy !req
299. No. Kinda.Copy !req
300. Jeff.Copy !req
301. Can I help you, ma'am?Copy !req
302. Who is that?Copy !req
303. That's...Copy !req
304. That's my Josh Chan.Copy !req
305. Is that your ex or something?Copy !req
306. Oh, he's not just any ex.Copy !req
307. He's... he's the one I never got over.Copy !req
308. I thought if I saw him again, I'd...Copy !req
309. I'd want to punch him in the face,Copy !req
310. but... instead I feel all
warm and tingly inside,Copy !req
311. like glitter is exploding inside of me.Copy !req
312. So he was your first love?Copy !req
313. Oh, baby, he was my first everything.Copy !req
314. He's coming! Bail on the turntable!Copy !req
315. Paula O'Brien?Copy !req
316. Jeff Channington.Copy !req
317. Heather, you're gonna
have to step it up.Copy !req
318. I've been rocking the YouTube tutorials,Copy !req
319. and a simple pour ain't
gonna win you this rodeo.Copy !req
320. I'm not in a rodeo.Copy !req
321. Hey, check this out. I
call this the Big Boy.Copy !req
322. Who's thirsty? Who's thirsty?Copy !req
323. I'm a Big Boy! I'm a Big Boy!Copy !req
324. Oh, man, this is a barf.Copy !req
325. - You like that?
- Yeah.Copy !req
326. All right!Copy !req
327. - Hey, I'm Teresa.
- I'm Josh.Copy !req
328. I'm a big boy.Copy !req
329. I can see that.Copy !req
330. I love your Cocktail moves.Copy !req
331. - Thanks. It's called flair.
- Cool.Copy !req
332. Hey, so you busy after
work tomorrow night?Copy !req
333. Oh, I always get busy
after work tomorrow night.Copy !req
334. That's good!Copy !req
335. I mean... this is unbelievable.Copy !req
336. So... you... back in town?Copy !req
337. I mean, I thought you were
off living in Hollywood.Copy !req
338. Well, actually, uh, yes. Yes. Yes, I am.Copy !req
339. Yes, I'm back for a couple of days, yes.Copy !req
340. Wow. I mean, you're just
here for a couple of daysCopy !req
341. and we ran into each other?
That is crazy.Copy !req
342. Yeah. So weird, right?Copy !req
343. I mean, we haven't
seen each other since...Copy !req
344. You dumped me in the
parking lot of the mallCopy !req
345. after we saw Fried Green Tomatoes.Copy !req
346. I'm sorry.Copy !req
347. What a jerk I was.Copy !req
348. Yeah, so ever since then,Copy !req
349. I hear Kathy Bates do a Southern accent,Copy !req
350. - and I have to leave the room.
- You know,Copy !req
351. Paula, you were so coolCopy !req
352. and so funny and so smart.Copy !req
353. And you were the only girl in townCopy !req
354. who knew anything about Camaros.Copy !req
355. By the way, I'm restoring one.Copy !req
356. Yeah, I bought it on eBay.Copy !req
357. It's stupid, but it's my hobby.Copy !req
358. Always makes me think of you.Copy !req
359. - Me?
- Yeah.Copy !req
360. Do you want to come and see it?Copy !req
361. Look, here's my card.Copy !req
362. In case you change your mind.Copy !req
363. I've never watched
conservative news before.Copy !req
364. All the women look exactly the same,Copy !req
365. like they're old, blonde Miss USA's.Copy !req
366. - Why is that?
- Well, if we put 'em on the news,Copy !req
367. then we don't have to send
'em out to the glue factory.Copy !req
368. - Bob, that's terrible.
- Eh...Copy !req
369. Bob, be real. You don't agree
with all this stuff, right?Copy !req
370. I mean, you don't think
everyone should own a gun?Copy !req
371. Oh, no.Copy !req
372. They should own two guns...Copy !req
373. one for animals, one for people.Copy !req
374. Bob!Copy !req
375. - God. Of course.
- Here you go.Copy !req
376. Oh, ah...Copy !req
377. I don't know if I can.Copy !req
378. Sorry. I honestlyCopy !req
379. don't know what my
book says about alcohol.Copy !req
380. Your book? You mean like a Bible?Copy !req
381. Uh, kinda, but less sci-fi. Um...Copy !req
382. Oh...Copy !req
383. Okay, but alcohol's
not really my trigger.Copy !req
384. “Trigger.” Now you're
speaking my language.Copy !req
385. Let's get sauced.Copy !req
386. Let's do some shots.Copy !req
387. - Come on.
- Okay.Copy !req
388. The news is great on shots.Copy !req
389. - All right.
- Here we go.Copy !req
390. All right, cheers.Copy !req
391. - Mmm.
- Mmm.Copy !req
392. Whoo!Copy !req
393. - Ooh, it burns like a spicy
salsa party! - Yes, yes.Copy !req
394. - It feels so good.
- Hey.Copy !req
395. - Hey!
- Hi!Copy !req
396. Oh. This looks like a fun time.Copy !req
397. Uh-huh, yeah. Hey, Rebecca, do youCopy !req
398. have a second to come
talk to me in the kitchen?Copy !req
399. Yeah, I'll be right there.Copy !req
400. I'm just busy getting a C-plusCopy !req
401. in getting D-runk!Copy !req
402. Yeah.Copy !req
403. Oh, there you go.Copy !req
404. You're doing very well.
She's doing very well.Copy !req
405. - Oh, thank you.
- Very well.Copy !req
406. I'm gonna whiz and, uh, hit the hay.Copy !req
407. Okay.Copy !req
408. - Good night, Bob.
- That was fun.Copy !req
409. Oh, is Paula back yet?Copy !req
410. I wonder if she's in bed.Copy !req
411. Oh.Copy !req
412. Sequoia.Copy !req
413. You came!Copy !req
414. You're here.Copy !req
415. Well, I wanted to see the Z/28.Copy !req
416. And that is the only reason I'm here.Copy !req
417. Well...Copy !req
418. I don't care why you're here.Copy !req
419. I'm just happy to see you.Copy !req
420. You're throwing wrenches at me now?Copy !req
421. Hmm.Copy !req
422. Oh. Ooh.Copy !req
423. Ooh.Copy !req
424. Let's see.Copy !req
425. Big boy's back in the game.Copy !req
426. Oh, my God.Copy !req
427. What is that?Copy !req
428. No... Not today. I have a date.Copy !req
429. Ow.Copy !req
430. Ow!Copy !req
431. Good morning.Copy !req
432. Mm.Copy !req
433. - Did you sleep well?
- Yeah. Hi.Copy !req
434. Where were you last night?Copy !req
435. I got up to pee at some point,Copy !req
436. and I went to check on you,Copy !req
437. and you weren't in your bed.Copy !req
438. I may have number one'd
in one of your drawers.Copy !req
439. No, I did. I definitely did.
I'm sorry, I was drunk.Copy !req
440. I went out.Copy !req
441. I, uh... saw an old friend
who was fixing upCopy !req
442. an old Camaro downtown,
and I happen to love those, so...Copy !req
443. Oh, right, you love cars.Copy !req
444. I always forget that because
it doesn't interest me.Copy !req
445. Well, I'm glad you did that.Copy !req
446. Good for you. You deserve to haveCopy !req
447. a little late-night party fun.Copy !req
448. You never do anything for yourself.Copy !req
449. - Well, you know. Sometimes I do.
- You really don't, though.Copy !req
450. You're always too busy
being a good wife and momCopy !req
451. and friend and co-worker.Copy !req
452. You're like everyone's big spoon.Copy !req
453. You're so reliable.Copy !req
454. You look so pretty. Where you going?Copy !req
455. Oh, um... I'm going to see the friend.Copy !req
456. Who's your friend?Copy !req
457. My friend? Um...Copy !req
458. He... she...Copy !req
459. She's a she.Copy !req
460. Sheila Girlface.Copy !req
461. “Sheila Girlface”?Copy !req
462. Yeah, well, it's Girlfacce,Copy !req
463. but, you know, they had to
change it at Ellis Island.Copy !req
464. Assimilation is a rape.Copy !req
465. Anyway, uh, my friend invited meCopy !req
466. to Saturday Mass this morning.Copy !req
467. You want to come?Copy !req
468. Uh... Oh, it sounds awesome.Copy !req
469. Um...Copy !req
470. but Bob and I got to check his traps.Copy !req
471. For raccoons, and
people's stupid small dogs.Copy !req
472. Both make cool hats, apparently.Copy !req
473. Wow, you two... really get along.Copy !req
474. I'm sorry. Is it annoying?Copy !req
475. Should I stop? I can stop.Copy !req
476. It's a little annoying,Copy !req
477. but, listen, you're
really doing me a favor.Copy !req
478. You're taking care of
him, and so I'm freeCopy !req
479. to do what I want to do,Copy !req
480. which is go to church.Copy !req
481. Okay, bye.Copy !req
482. Okay. Tell God I say...Copy !req
483. well, he knows how I feel.Copy !req
484. Thank God.Copy !req
485. I was waiting for her to leave.Copy !req
486. Was so wasted last night, I
went in one of her drawers.Copy !req
487. So did I.Copy !req
488. I thought that was you!Copy !req
489. - Hey.
- Hey!Copy !req
490. This is a nice surprise.Copy !req
491. I have baseball practice.Copy !req
492. What are you doing here?Copy !req
493. Well, Madison said to meet her.Copy !req
494. She wanted to practice her slider.Copy !req
495. Ah.Copy !req
496. Ooh.Copy !req
497. Oh, look. She's like the sweetest...Copy !req
498. Sliders are not really a
thing in softball, are they?Copy !req
499. Uh...Copy !req
500. Oh, look at that little sleep sack.Copy !req
501. Isn't that cute?Copy !req
502. What a clever solution for transitioningCopy !req
503. out of the swaddle.Copy !req
504. Wait a second.Copy !req
505. Did you set this up?Copy !req
506. Are you trying to force
the baby issue again?Copy !req
507. What? No! Me? No.Copy !req
508. I mean, I'm not even here to meet you.Copy !req
509. I'm here to meet Madis... oh.Copy !req
510. Oh, my God.Copy !req
511. Oh, man.Copy !req
512. No. This must have been Madison.Copy !req
513. No, she does stuff like this.Copy !req
514. Oh, she is so clever.Copy !req
515. What she did was she knew that
there was a baby shower today,Copy !req
516. and she had both of us come hereCopy !req
517. so we could have our little baby fight.Copy !req
518. Why would she want that?Copy !req
519. Well, because she wants to break us upCopy !req
520. - because she wants a sibling.
- Oh.Copy !req
521. Oh. Wow.Copy !req
522. Yeah, I mean, she's really
trying to push the issueCopy !req
523. because, you know, you and ICopy !req
524. have been at this impasse so long.Copy !req
525. Yeah. Yeah, we have.Copy !req
526. Joshua.Copy !req
527. The truth is...Copy !req
528. oh, this is so hard
to do, because I...Copy !req
529. I love you a lot, but...Copy !req
530. I'm not happy anymore because of this.Copy !req
531. Maybe having a baby...
started out as a whim,Copy !req
532. but it's what I want for my life now.Copy !req
533. And you don't want a
baby, maybe not ever.Copy !req
534. I mean, you made that clear,
and, t-that's not gonna change.Copy !req
535. Yeah. Yeah. No, I know.Copy !req
536. I mean, I am always
gonna care about you.Copy !req
537. I really am.Copy !req
538. 'Cause I love you.Copy !req
539. I... I love you, too.Copy !req
540. But...Copy !req
541. Yeah.Copy !req
542. Oh.Copy !req
543. Oh, wait. So this is...Copy !req
544. Yeah, I guess it is.Copy !req
545. God, this sucks.Copy !req
546. I don't know what to do... Can we...Copy !req
547. Can we still be friends, or... ?Copy !req
548. I don't know. I mean, I would love that.Copy !req
549. But that just sounds so hard right now.Copy !req
550. Did a nine-year-old just
trick us into doing somethingCopy !req
551. we weren't brave enough to do ourselves?Copy !req
552. I think so.Copy !req
553. Huh.Copy !req
554. I don't understand what
you feel so bad about.Copy !req
555. So you had a little phone
action with some guy.Copy !req
556. Where's the harm in that?Copy !req
557. I mean, I do it, too.Copy !req
558. For $9.95 an hour, you
get a real French girl.Copy !req
559. - They're not French, Bob.
- They're French enough.Copy !req
560. Go ahead. Give it another try.Copy !req
561. Are you sure? I don't
want to break more stuff.Copy !req
562. Oh, come on. Live a little.Copy !req
563. Have a vodka, dingle yourselfCopy !req
564. while you're texting a guy,Copy !req
565. throw a dart out the window. Go ahead.Copy !req
566. Or behind you. Throw it behind you.Copy !req
567. How does that feel? Feels good, right?Copy !req
568. Yeah, you know what?Copy !req
569. It does feel good to be outside
the bubble. You're right.Copy !req
570. I'm having the best time right now.Copy !req
571. You're like the dad I never had.Copy !req
572. You didn't have a dad?Copy !req
573. I do, but he sucks.Copy !req
574. I'll get it.Copy !req
575. Doot, doot, doot!Copy !req
576. I like you.Copy !req
577. You barely complain for a Jewish.Copy !req
578. Oh, you.Copy !req
579. - Huh?
- Nothing, kiddo.Copy !req
580. The V8 engine is man's
greatest artistic achievement.Copy !req
581. Yeah, it's like the
Sistine Chapel of car stuff.Copy !req
582. You want to dance?Copy !req
583. Me?Copy !req
584. Do you see any other
beautiful women in here?Copy !req
585. Uh...Copy !req
586. Oh.Copy !req
587. What?Copy !req
588. What are we doing?Copy !req
589. We're just two old friends, catching up.Copy !req
590. Going back in time.Copy !req
591. Like Outlander.Copy !req
592. What?Copy !req
593. Oh, God, you make me
feel like... I am 17 again,Copy !req
594. and all my worriesCopy !req
595. are just gone.Copy !req
596. In my real life, I'm
always someone's mom,Copy !req
597. someone's best friend,
someone's errand girl,Copy !req
598. but... you... make me feel...Copy !req
599. special.Copy !req
600. And you make me feel
like a terrible dancer.Copy !req
601. You got moves.Copy !req
602. Wha... oh, ooh!Copy !req
603. So...Copy !req
604. Uh, I'll call you?Copy !req
605. I guess.Copy !req
606. - Is that...
- Yes, no. I...Copy !req
607. I'll just see you around. Maybe?Copy !req
608. Well, we've been saying
good-bye for about two hours.Copy !req
609. So, guess we should...Copy !req
610. - probably go.
- Yeah, you're right.Copy !req
611. Who should go first?Copy !req
612. Uh...Copy !req
613. Here comes the big boy.Copy !req
614. Hey, there. Can I make you a Joshtini?Copy !req
615. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.Copy !req
616. Sit down, sit down. Look at this.Copy !req
617. Oh, no. Actually, we're on our way out.Copy !req
618. What? No. No, you can't leave.Copy !req
619. What are you... look at Josh.Copy !req
620. You guys can't miss this.Copy !req
621. He thinks he's Tom Cruise in Cocktail.Copy !req
622. - It-it's amazing.
- Yeah.Copy !req
623. Cannot be missed.Copy !req
624. Okay. I'm staying.Copy !req
625. Yes. You're making the right call.Copy !req
626. Ah...Copy !req
627. I'm starting to worry about Paula.Copy !req
628. She's not answering her phone,Copy !req
629. she's been at church
for, like, nine hours.Copy !req
630. Church?Copy !req
631. - Nine hours on a Saturday?
- Well, yeah.Copy !req
632. I mean, she said she ran into a friendCopy !req
633. with, like, a cool Camaro or something?Copy !req
634. Um, oh, right, her name
is Sheila Girlfacce.Copy !req
635. You probably know her
as Sheila Girlface.Copy !req
636. So, that's a fake name. I fell for that.Copy !req
637. Camaro? I know what this is about.Copy !req
638. Come on, let's go.Copy !req
639. - Can I ask you something?
- Anything.Copy !req
640. Do you ever think about us?Copy !req
641. Do you ever regret... our breakup?Copy !req
642. - You want the truth?
- I really do.Copy !req
643. Yeah. I regret it.Copy !req
644. Big-time.Copy !req
645. Really?Copy !req
646. Yeah. I never should've let you go.Copy !req
647. It was a big mistake.Copy !req
648. Ooh! Well...Copy !req
649. that was all I needed.Copy !req
650. What?Copy !req
651. Yeah.Copy !req
652. Take one step closer to herCopy !req
653. and I'll turn you into a great soprano.Copy !req
654. - Paula, what's going on? Who is that?
- This is Jeff,Copy !req
655. the guy that broke Paula's heart.Copy !req
656. She drew picturesCopy !req
657. of his Johnson with hearts
around it for years after that.Copy !req
658. Dad, why do you know that?Copy !req
659. Because you left your diary
on that shelf in the bathroom.Copy !req
660. Dad, would you put the gun down?
I was leaving, anyway.Copy !req
661. It was so good to see you againCopy !req
662. and it was so goodCopy !req
663. to hear you say what you said.Copy !req
664. Thank you.Copy !req
665. All right, let's go. Give me the keys.Copy !req
666. - I'm driving.
- No, no, no, it's okay. Bob can drive.Copy !req
667. He drives really well when he's drunk.Copy !req
668. Ah, yeah.Copy !req
669. Damn.Copy !req
670. Oh, my gosh.Copy !req
671. Yeah, he's really going for it.Copy !req
672. Oh.Copy !req
673. - Oh!
- What is that thing on his face?Copy !req
674. I don't know, but it's alive.Copy !req
675. I can't look away.
I should, but I can't.Copy !req
676. Whoa.Copy !req
677. Oh, my God.Copy !req
678. Whoa. Josh, um, your face is infected.Copy !req
679. You didn't, like,
touch some dirty glassesCopy !req
680. and then try to pop a
pimple on your face, did you?Copy !req
681. No, I'm not an idiot.Copy !req
682. You're just afraid to compete.Copy !req
683. No. I'm serious.Copy !req
684. I think that's a staph infection.Copy !req
685. Here we go.Copy !req
686. Huh? You like that?Copy !req
687. For you, my lady.Copy !req
688. Hey, Josh.Copy !req
689. So, um, I'm a nurse
and that looks like a staph infection.Copy !req
690. Guys, I'm fine.Copy !req
691. Check this out.Copy !req
692. I'm gonna go.Copy !req
693. Bye.Copy !req
694. So, you didn't kiss?Copy !req
695. No, thank God.Copy !req
696. Scott was right.Copy !req
697. I have always treated him
like the consolation prizeCopy !req
698. and it's because Jeff rejected me.Copy !req
699. He was always this ideal thingCopy !req
700. that I couldn't have,
but I got to reject him,Copy !req
701. so now he's no longer
on some kind of pedestal.Copy !req
702. I can finally move on from wonderingCopy !req
703. what could've been with Jeff ChanningtonCopy !req
704. because this time I
got to make the choice.Copy !req
705. Wow.Copy !req
706. Paula, I just, it blows my mindCopy !req
707. that I didn't know any of this.Copy !req
708. You know that I want you to
tell me this stuff, right?Copy !req
709. Babe... you are trying to get betterCopy !req
710. after something really
huge and traumatic.Copy !req
711. I do not want to burden you.Copy !req
712. I want to take care of you.Copy !req
713. No, no, no, that's what you've
always done, Paula, and...Copy !req
714. I love that ever since we metCopy !req
715. you have tried to be like my mom,Copy !req
716. but from now on,Copy !req
717. how about we just be best friends?Copy !req
718. But you're the little
spoon and I'm the big spoonCopy !req
719. and that's how it works.Copy !req
720. I mean, you said so yourself.Copy !req
721. I shouldn't have said that.Copy !req
722. That's not what we should be.Copy !req
723. I mean, 'cause you know what size spoonsCopy !req
724. fit together the best?Copy !req
725. No.Copy !req
726. Same-size spoons.Copy !req
727. Aw.Copy !req
728. Hey.Copy !req
729. They do. That's perfect.Copy !req
730. Yeah, I just thought of that.Copy !req
731. I like that. Same-size spoons.Copy !req
732. Okay.Copy !req
733. I like it.Copy !req
734. How you feeling, flair
champ of West Covina?Copy !req
735. I have ten more days of antibiotics.Copy !req
736. You were right.Copy !req
737. It was a staph infection.Copy !req
738. Heather, I could've died.Copy !req
739. I took people's germs and
smeared them into my face.Copy !req
740. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
741. Feel so stupid.Copy !req
742. I was so wrong.Copy !req
743. I'm not a big boy, I'm a small boy.Copy !req
744. Oh. Look, dumb stuff
happens to all of us, Josh.Copy !req
745. Don't, like, beat yourself up.Copy !req
746. And also, you're a man.Copy !req
747. Oh, that was the word.Copy !req
748. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
749. Heather...Copy !req
750. I'm spiraling.Copy !req
751. I have no apartment,Copy !req
752. no relationship, no career goals.Copy !req
753. I just... feel like there's no
ground under me, you know?Copy !req
754. Yeah. Well, you'll figure it out.Copy !req
755. I'm still figuring things outCopy !req
756. and I'm, like, way smarter
and cooler than you are.Copy !req
757. Are you?Copy !req
758. Yeah. I am. You do magic.Copy !req
759. Exactly.Copy !req
760. Exactly.Copy !req
761. All right.Copy !req
762. We got to get to the airport.Copy !req
763. So, um, thanks for
trying to shoot Jeff, Dad.Copy !req
764. - Meant a lot.
- Yeah, well,Copy !req
765. thanks for coming and visiting me.Copy !req
766. I mean, I know I'm just an
old pain who reads your diariesCopy !req
767. and number-twos in your drawers.Copy !req
768. - What?
- Bob, you're the worst.Copy !req
769. Okay, let's go.Copy !req
770. Hey, wait a minute, Paula. Uh...Copy !req
771. Rebecca tells me that you're, uh,Copy !req
772. first in your class in law school.Copy !req
773. Um...Copy !req
774. I didn't know you were smart like that.Copy !req
775. Yeah, I am.Copy !req
776. I'm really smart.Copy !req
777. All right, you don't have to
hit me over the head with it.Copy !req
778. But, uh,Copy !req
779. it would be nice if you guys
came back and visited again.Copy !req
780. - Thanks, my friend's dad.
- Oh.Copy !req
781. Okay, I'll be in the car.Copy !req
782. Okay.Copy !req
783. - Hi.
- Hi.Copy !req
784. How was your trip?Copy !req
785. So, remember the day I chased
you around the conference roomCopy !req
786. and then jumped on you
like a flying squirrel move?Copy !req
787. I do. Yes.Copy !req
788. Okay, stand back.Copy !req
789. Mmm.Copy !req
790. Are you sure this is okay
with your therapy thing?Copy !req
791. Just shut up.Copy !req
792. What?Copy !req
793. We shouldn't keep pie in here.Copy !req
794. Hey, honey.Copy !req
795. How's your dad?Copy !req
796. Same.Copy !req
797. Mm, want some?Copy !req
798. Sure.Copy !req
799. So, I want to talk to
you about something.Copy !req
800. It's important.Copy !req
801. If I could...Copy !req
802. go through a magical
stone wall and pick any manCopy !req
803. in any time period... in any universe...Copy !req
804. I would pick Brad Pitt
in Thelma & Louise.Copy !req
805. Strong choice. Me same.Copy !req
806. And when he turned me down...Copy !req
807. I'd pick you.Copy !req
808. Really?Copy !req
809. Yeah.Copy !req
810. Every day of the week.Copy !req
811. Right back at you.Copy !req
812. So, I went to Buffalo,Copy !req
813. drank a ton of vodka,Copy !req
814. sexted with a guy,Copy !req
815. damaged a house with darts and urine,Copy !req
816. got in a car with a drunk guy... oops...Copy !req
817. Watched that guy threaten
another guy with a gun,Copy !req
818. and I farted a ton on
the plane on the way backCopy !req
819. because no one could hear it,Copy !req
820. and I just had a ton
of sex with my ex-boss.Copy !req
821. So, how's that for getting
out of the therapy bubble?Copy !req
822. Wow, that is not in
any workbook I know of.Copy !req
823. You know, my whole life, I've
only known how to be, like,Copy !req
824. really good or really bad.Copy !req
825. But being a human...Copy !req
826. is living in that
kind of in-between space,Copy !req
827. it's making mistakes, and
that's very scary, but...Copy !req
828. also very cool.Copy !req
829. Great work.Copy !req
830. You, my friend, get an
A-plus on your C-plus.Copy !req
831. Yes!Copy !req
832. And I got this just for you.Copy !req
833. Pick one.Copy !req
834. Oh.Copy !req
835. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
836. It smells like grape.Copy !req