Crazy Ex-Girlfriend 3x11

1. Hi, um, Dr. Akopian. Rebecca Bunch here.

2. So, Dr. Shin says it's time for me to transition

3. from outpatient treatment with him back to you,

4. so what do you say? Our usual time on Thursday?

5. Give me a buzz. Buzz! Bee emoticon.

6. Anyway, I'm feeling good, ready to dig into all of it...

7. abandonment issues, dissociative episodes, my dad.

8. It's all on the table.

9. Let's get into it. See you soon.

10. It's happening.

11. Maybe this time, it's finally happening.

12. I charge $250 an hour now.

13. Seems like only yesterday

14. I was right here in this very room

15. ignoring everything you said.

16. Okay, so, uh,

17. let me catch you up on everything

18. that's been going on with me since I last saw you,

19. which was post-suicide attempt,

20. and I tried to get you to give me a new diagnosis.

21. Right, right. Okay, so, to recap.

22. I accepted the fact that I'm borderline,

23. did a lot of workbooks, went to Buffalo,

24. hung out with my friend's dad,

25. got back from Buffalo, started dating Nathaniel,

26. got a little too obsessy over Nathaniel, so broke that off.

27. Went on a ton of hormones

28. to give Darryl an egg,

29. took over my firm as senior partner.

30. Uh, Nathaniel started dating a new girl, Mona.

31. That was three weeks ago.

32. Nathaniel and I had sex in the office we now share,

33. decided that was a bad idea,

34. it should never happen again, and now I'm here.

35. Wow.

36. That's... a lot.

37. Let's work backwards.

38. So you and Nathaniel were intimate, but not any longer?

39. Oh, God, no, no, no. No, no, no. That is long over.

40. I mean, after we had sex that one time,

41. we only had sex, like, three more times that week.

42. And then we stopped.

43. Except for last night.

44. And this morning.

45. But I don't count this morning,

46. because the janitor opened the door

47. of the supply closet, so nobody finished.

48. Except I'm pretty sure the janitor.

49. Are you okay with Nathaniel seeing another woman?

50. Listen, Nathaniel and I are not seeing each other.

51. Okay? What happened between us was just a few mistakes

52. in a-a room full of office supplies.

53. Okay? It's done.

54. It's been hours.

55. Or what time is it? It's been 40 minutes.

56. - Rebecca... - L-Listen.

57. The Nathaniel sex... blah, irrelevant. It's in the past.

58. I'm here in the present with you right now

59. ready to rock my mental health.

60. So, come on, let's do this.

61. Bunch and Akopes,

62. back together, tonight on CBS at 9:00 p.m.,

63. solving crimes in different climates around the world.

64. I do not wish to be called "Akopes."

65. God, I forgot how un-fun you are.

66. It was nice to be invited, right?

67. No.

68. Oh, my God. Wait. You know Brian, right?

69. - Oh, Brian. - Mm-hmm.

70. The bald sweaty guy in your marketing department?

71. Yeah. So listen to this. We were at a pre-meeting today

72. - for the fall rollout. - Hmm.

73. And he took his shoes off at the table.

74. - Oh, what? - Yeah.

75. What? He-he just took his shoes off?

76. Took 'em right off, plopped 'em on the conference table.

77. I couldn't believe it.

78. Babe, the amount of hair

79. - on that man's toes. - Hold on.

80. He wasn't wearing socks? He was. The hair was

81. poking through the black

82. - ankle sock. It was disgusting. - Oh.

83. - It was like a porcupine in a bag. - God.

84. I sent you a picture this morning.

85. - You did? - Mm-hmm.

86. Oh, I must have missed that.

87. Oh, it's fine. I figured you were busy or something.

88. Yeah, no, you know, I was.

89. I was busy... this morning.

90. Yeah, I had a little bit of a... crisis with the janitor.

91. - Oh, no. What happened? - It was real gross.

92. He, uh... I-I caught him in the, uh, supply closet masturbating.

93. - What? - Yeah, uh, alone.

94. He was alone in there, and I caught him.

95. I caught him in there.

96. That is so gross.

97. - In this supply closet? - Yeah. Uh-huh.

98. Who would want to do anything sexual in a supply closet?

99. What is wrong with people?

100. I know. Yeah, I know, that is...

101. People are disgusting.

102. - You take it. No, you take it. - I got it.

103. I don't want it. You take it.

104. - Okay, can you stop playing air hockey... - Why are you...?

105. with the snotty tissue?

106. - Knock it off! - Okay!

107. We have work to do.

108. Geez.

109. Tim, I looked at your deposition in the Crawford case.

110. One word: blurghh.

111. Can we take another crack at that?

112. Come on, it's fine. We can show Nathaniel.

113. No, we can't. Jim,

114. for your hearing next week, I rewrote your opening arguments.

115. I thought you might want to win a case for a change.

116. Well, you thought wrong. Wait.

117. Paula, did you read my notes on the land use meeting?

118. I made them really thorough. Did you show them to Rebecca?

119. No. I gave her War and Peace, because it was shorter.

120. What?

121. Oh, okay.

122. Sue me, I want our work to, like...

123. I don't know... not suck.

124. Okay, well, I have some good news.

125. I came up with a brilliant idea.

126. You can all thank me later.

127. I've decided to call for reinforcements.

128. You mean the reinforcements

129. that go in the three-hole punch paper?

130. I've been trying to get in the supply closet

131. to get those, but it's always locked,

132. and the door is making a banging noise.

133. I think there's a possum and a cat in there,

134. and they're fighting,

135. but they're also best friends and they solve crimes.

136. It's just an idea

137. for a CBS show I've been kicking around.

138. Okay, that is Sunil.

139. He is a competent person.

140. Do not get your lame juice on him.

141. He is really smart.

142. As opposed to...?

143. Yeah, all of you.

144. Hi!

145. Oh. Hey!

146. I'm here.

147. Oh, great. Now the sidekick's got a sidekick.

148. - Oh, hi. - Hey.

149. I was, I was looking for these. What do you call these?

150. Do you call these flags or sticky page holders?

151. Oh, no, those... I call those "color thingies," actually.

152. Color thingies.

153. Yeah. Oh, my God, that...

154. that Stanford education, like, gave you a great vocabulary.

155. Well, it's why I'm so good at games like Boggle.

156. Oh, my God, I love Boggle.

157. Well, you and I should, um, play Boggle some time.

158. - Yeah. Oh, my God, Boggle. - Oh.

159. Close the door.

160. - I want to rip your pants off. - Okay.

161. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

162. This should never happen again after this.

163. Absolutely. This is the last time.

164. Okay. Absolutely.

165. I love this bra, by the way.

166. Oh, thank you.

167. Check this out.

168. - Yellowtail crudo. - Mmm.

169. I'm thinking of rolling it out at all my Home Bases.

170. It's so tasty, and it pairs really well with our chardonnay,

171. which is, like, well, it's just, like, the only one we have.

172. Oh, wait. Didn't the book say

173. you're not supposed to eat raw fish?

174. Could be harmful for the baby.

175. Oh, yeah, you're right. Totally. My bad.

176. - Got to take care of that Darryl baby. - Ooh.

177. God, I love my new hobby... growing people.

178. Wait. Did you hear that? Did you...?

179. Boop, made an eyeball. What'd you do today?

180. God, I really can't believe it.

181. I got my life together in a really short amount of time.

182. Like, making a human, cute boyfriend,

183. great new job, and I'm, like, crushing it here.

184. I mean, look at all these people at my happy hour.

185. So, Beth, how did you find me?

186. I like to know how new clients hear about me.

187. I actually came across your website

188. when I was looking online for party planners in the area.

189. I got to say,

190. you actually look like your photo.

191. People never look like their photo online.

192. Oh, well, which one?

193. Calendar, About Me, FAQs,

194. Upcoming Events, Past Events or Contact Me?

195. God, you're funny.

196. What! Me?

197. I am so glad that I met you.

198. My PR firm has a ton of events

199. coming up in the San Gabriel Valley.

200. I live on the Westside, I don't have any contacts around here,

201. but... now I do.

202. Yeah, you do.

203. All you need to do is... contact me.

204. Contact you. I'm gonna do that.

205. - I'm gonna contact you. - Great. Yeah.

206. So you're getting a free vacation to Mexico. That's cool.

207. It's not really a vacation.

208. Uh, you get to ride a plane and go camping.

209. That's a vacation, bro.

210. I'm building houses for Habitat for Humanity.

211. - Oh, yeah, Happy Tats for Manatees. - Hmm?

212. Well, that's what I used to think it was.

213. A group that put tattoos on manatees to, like, track them.

214. It's not.

215. I know that now.

216. Do you?

217. Anyway,

218. feeling like I got to get out of town for a little while.

219. Feeling kind of spun out lately.

220. Little emotional.

221. I think it's 'cause everything in this town

222. reminds me of Darryl.

223. Wow, I've never seen you like this.

224. Hurt and vulnerable.

225. I, like, really see your humanity.

226. Yeah, see, so that sounds a lot like "manatee."

227. So that's on them.

228. A lot of words sound like other words, Josh.

229. Come on, come on, give me the dish.

230. - Okay. Tall idiot is Tim. - Mm-hmm.

231. Short idiot is Jim. Tiny idiot is Maya.

232. - They look like idiots. - No, no, no.

233. They look like a Sunday matinee cast

234. of an eighth year revival.

235. Oh, Sunil.

236. I never understand your musical theater references

237. because I was getting laid and smoking dope in high school,

238. but they still crack me up.

239. Hey, thank you so much for hiring me.

240. Are you kidding me?

241. No, you're-you're doing me a favor.

242. I am so glad you're here!

243. It's gonna be Sunil and Paula,

244. you know, serving justice

245. - around the world. - Mm-hmm.

246. We're doing the work of idiots

247. and wearing cool suits and occasionally sunglasses.

248. Coming soon

249. to CBS.

250. Oh, nailed it.

251. Good. We could be cops or lawyers.

252. We could. Okay, listen...

253. So, I was thinking about the Crawford case

254. that we... What?

255. I'm just wondering if they have a walk-in pantry here.

256. - Nathaniel. - Hmm?

257. No.

258. We talked about it, okay?

259. Those other times were mistakes. It's not happening again.

260. Right.

261. Okay. I was thinking

262. that when we get to the hearing that we should...

263. - This a new top? This a new blouse? - What?

264. No, I've had it for a while.

265. Looks good.

266. - Thank you. Thank you. - I like it.

267. Right.

268. Okay.

269. They do have a walk-in pantry, though.

270. Really?

271. Mm-hmm. Why don't we pretend

272. to work some more,

273. meet there in five minutes, take some clothes off?

274. Okay. I'm gonna pretend to work.

275. - Watch me pretend to work now. Okay. - Uh-huh.

276. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

277. Oh, good underlining.

278. Thank you.

279. Hey, Heather.

280. The CO2 tank is out. Oh, I'll get it.

281. I got it.

282. Heather, what are you doing? You shouldn't be carrying that.

283. Leave me alone!

284. You're the reason I'm like this!

285. That is not my baby.

286. That's not my ba...

287. You could've stopped me.

288. Oh. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

289. I-I'm sorry I said it like that.

290. I don't know why I said it like that.

291. I hate being pregnant.

292. It's the worst thing

293. I've ever decided. I'm gonna quit.

294. I want to quit.

295. I quit.

296. Babe, come on. You're almost there.

297. No, I'm not. I have another month.

298. It's nine. It's nine months.

299. Okay? It hurts to sit.

300. It hurts to stand.

301. My ass is covered in stretch marks,

302. - as you know. - I know.

303. My belly button looks like

304. an inside-out butthole.

305. No. I still haven't tasted

306. the crudo. I also, um... I can't drink wine.

307. I can't use my face wash. I can't paint my nails.

308. I can't take a hot bath or get a foot massage

309. or lie on my back or fart without peeing a little.

310. I can't do anything fun!

311. We have fun.

312. No, we don't.

313. No? I want to do this.

314. Yes. I want to do this.

315. Sign me up for this and buy me a skateboard.

316. A skateboarding expo?

317. Uh-huh. My doctor said that I can't ride a bike

318. or, uh, skydive or surf,

319. but he said nothing about learning to skateboard.

320. So that's what we call a loophole, brah.

321. It's obvious

322. his name should be Dog Josh.

323. - He looks just like us. - No.

324. No, Josh. We're not doing that.

325. Been through it a million times. His name is Max.

326. Found him in a garbage dump in Mexico.

327. He's been through enough without also having

328. to be named after you.

329. I know what that's like.

330. It's not great.

331. Geez, don't be such a baby.

332. Look at you, little Dog Josh.

333. Aren't you Dog Josh?

334. Yes, you are.

335. - Yes, you are. - Look how much he hates that.

336. Let it go.

337. You know what, Heather did do a great job with this renovation.

338. - I'm digging the Home Base makeover. - Yeah.

339. She tried a few styles before this.

340. Apparently pregnant women redecorate a lot.

341. Hmm. Yeah.

342. A lot of stuff changed while you were out of town.

343. I'm very good at it now.

344. It was ridiculous.

345. Oh, my God. That's so funny.

346. Bleh!

347. It was gross!

348. Like, oh, no.

349. But a lot of stuff's still the same.

350. Okay, that was the last time.

351. Definitely.

352. - This time we mean it, right? - Yes.

353. Uh, this is Mona. I have to take it.

354. Hey, babe.

355. So, it's been eight months,

356. and he still has a girlfriend

357. and we're still sleeping together.

358. So what?

359. I really thought this time was gonna be different.

360. So, it's been eight months of

361. "last times,"big mistakes,"

362. and "never gonna happen agains."

363. So that's what you do when you're writing.

364. You just write things I say and

365. then quote them back to me at a later date.

366. Cool. I can do that, too.

367. "Uh, so it's been eight months.

368. "Uh, and I'm gonna quote a bunch of things that you said

369. back to you and wear another weird statement necklace."

370. I'm sorry.

371. I felt cornered and threatened by you,

372. and rather than be vulnerable, I lashed out

373. before you could abandon me, and I recognize that,

374. and I apologize for it.

375. But your necklaces are very weird.

376. It's been months

377. and you're still sleeping with him

378. and he's got a serious girlfriend. Correct?

379. - Yes. - We're doing great work here.

380. Why have an affair?

381. An affair?

382. Well, that's unfair.

383. Come on.

384. Are we not doing this?

385. Bunch and Akopes, tonight on CBS.

386. Grab your parka or bikini, and let's find out whodunit.

387. You've been trying to get that bit going for eight months.

388. - Stop it. - But I have a theme song.

389. But it's all just Atlanta.

390. You have no qualms about this?

391. No concern for the third party in that relationship?

392. What, the janitor? No, he's loving it.

393. If you're talking about Mona...

394. Look, she has no idea what's going on,

395. so it's not hurting her.

396. And I've never even met her. You know what?

397. This is the healthiest romantic relationship

398. I've ever been in. There, I said it.

399. I-I'm not obsessed with him because I can't really have him.

400. For the first time in my life, my expectations

401. are in a realistic space.

402. The other day I texted him,

403. and he didn't text me back for couple hours.

404. You know what I did in that time?

405. I made a damn sandwich. And it was good.

406. It's all okay, okay?

407. What we're doing is okay. Okay?

408. That cheating, lying,

409. musical theater enthusiast.

410. What? Who are you talking about?

411. What? I'm talking about Sunil.

412. Oh. Ew. Why?

413. Okay, have you looked around this office

414. and seen him being pals with everyone?

415. I mean, I brought him in,

416. I gave him the job, and he barely talks to me.

417. Wait, back it up. Sunil works here?

418. Uh, yes.

419. Where have you been?

420. Nothing. Nowhere. The janitor's creepy.

421. Okay, will you listen to me?

422. I gave Sunil a job, and he was supposed to help me

423. and be on my team.

424. And instead, he-he joined their idiot cult.

425. - Ow! Damn it. Damn it. - Got you.

426. Fast hands. Ah!

427. I'm sorry, Paula. You guys were such good friends.

428. I mean, I don't like him or get him

429. because he's like...

430. he's like Benjamin Coffin III in Rent.

431. But, you know, I mean,

432. you seem to dig him, so...

433. Well, I mean, I did, but... now he's my enemy.

434. Like Boss Hogg in The Dukes of Hazzard.

435. I keep forgetting, you and I have, like, such different references.

436. Ms. Proctor, I just redid this, per your copious notes.

437. I'm sorry.

438. I mean, look, you had to redo it.

439. Citing Manuel v. Cahill to argue a zoning restriction?

440. I mean, this is a professional law firm.

441. It's not eighth grade mock trial.

442. Wow. Okay.

443. All right.

444. Oh, my God.

445. You were so mean to him.

446. Oh, you just talked to him

447. just like you talk to Tim and Jim and Maya.

448. That wasn't mean. I was not mean.

449. I gave him my honest opinion.

450. I mean, I have to be honest about the work.

451. Okay. I-I don't care.

452. I mean, again, I feel like he's like an evil landlord

453. making us pay our rent.

454. What?

455. Okay, you know what, just Wikipedia the plot to Rent

456. and get back to me... It's really easy.

457. But don't watch the movie! Don't watch the movie.

458. Okay.

459. Hi.

460. - Hey. - How's your day going?

461. - Pretty good. - You?

462. Big mistake. Never again.

463. This is the last time.

464. Yeah, or not.

465. What?

466. I was talking about this in therapy today,

467. and, I got to say, this arrangement is...

468. it's working.

469. And, you know, it's modern, it's mature.

470. I mean, it's what they do in France. And Utah.

471. Literally the only thing France and Utah have in common.

472. I think we should just be grown-ups about this

473. and accept the fact that this is our reality.

474. You know? It's cool. We're having sex.

475. You're seeing someone else.

476. I'm making sandwiches, and they're great.

477. - Huh? - It's a whole thing.

478. I think we should just embrace that this is our life.

479. Okay. Because, um, well, I was gonna ask you, uh...

480. Mona saw the invitation

481. to Darryl's baby shower, and she wants to go.

482. And I know that you're gonna go, and... you know...

483. Is that cool if I bring her?

484. Dude, of course.

485. - Yeah. - We're all adults.

486. And I-I am looking forward to meeting her.

487. - You are? - Mm-hmm.

488. Oh. Okay. Great.

489. This adult is... happy to hear it.

490. See, we know exactly what we have.

491. That's what I love about it.

492. - Love about me? - Definitely not.

493. - Got it. Yep. - Yeah.

494. Cool.

495. Hello.

496. I think you're gonna be pretty excited about what I got you.

497. I got you some lotion.

498. - Hmm? - Cool.

499. And some really nice decaf coffee blends. Mmm.

500. Mm-hmm.

501. And non-alcoholic beer.

502. That's gonna hit the spot.

503. Yeah. So what's so crazy about all of these things

504. is that none it is a skateboard,

505. which is what I asked you for.

506. Because you're super pregnant.

507. Okay? You-you have a person inside you,

508. and if you fall over, you could break that person.

509. Look, I know it's hard,

510. but you signed up for this.

511. This could not possibly have been more optional.

512. You said you wanted to have a baby for your friends.

513. And for once in your life, you can't quit.

514. Oh, my God.

515. What's going on?

516. Is something wrong with your face?

517. Oh, my God, I've never seen you cry.

518. That's because I don't cry.

519. When I was a baby, I didn't cry at all.

520. And they took me to the hospital

521. because they thought I was broken,

522. but I was just a super chill baby.

523. And now I feel like I'm gonna cry all the time,

524. and I think it's because there's this alien

525. growing inside of my guts.

526. Oh, honey, it's okay.

527. No, get your super smooth arms off of me.

528. Yeah, they're too smooth.

529. So, would now be a bad time

530. to remind you that Darryl's baby shower is about to happen?

531. Oh, God. That thing.

532. Oh, shoot, we forgot to get him a present.

533. I am making him a present, bitch!

534. V, it is beautiful. I love it.

535. Aw. I couldn't have done it without you

536. covering all the boring side of things.

537. I'm so glad we're in business together.

538. You're so good at charts and budgets

539. and getting deals on stuff.

540. I can't believe you got those floating candles 75% off.

541. That's so sexy.

542. There you are!

543. Oh, my God!

544. - It is so beautiful! - Ooh! Oh.

545. Yay! Oh, I'm so happy!

546. Okay, well, try not to cry,

547. because it makes people uncomfortable, mainly me.

548. I'll try, I'll try.

549. Oh, God!

550. Onesies that people can decorate?

551. Muh-muh. Tears, you stay in there.

552. If I just walk like this...

553. No one talk to me.

554. Also, I'm not opening a damn thing.

555. - What's with her? - She's a monster.

556. Oh, my God, it's Sunil.

557. I don't know, I've been thinking about what you said,

558. and-and maybe I was too hard on him.

559. I should apologize.

560. - I'm gonna apologize. - I mean, sure, if you want to.

561. You know what, do it in his terms.

562. Tell him that he's Herbie

563. and you're Mama Rose from Gypsy

564. and you're about to sing "You'll Never Get Away from Me."

565. You and Sunil really are the ones that should be friends.

566. I mean, you-you know that, right?

567. - Never. I'd rather die. - Oh, okay.

568. I'm gonna get a drink.

569. - Do you want a drink? - Yeah, no, I'm good.

570. Hmm.

571. Oh, no.

572. Oh, no. I don't like this.

573. Uh, guilt, shame, jealousy.

574. No, I don't want this.

575. This doesn't feel good.

576. Okay, okay, okay. She is impossible.

577. Paula is so difficult to please.

578. You know, nothing is good enough for her.

579. She's like Miss Hannigan,

580. but not the Carol Burnett version, the original company.

581. - Ugh. - Has anyone ever told you

582. that you should be best friends with Rebecca?

583. Never.

584. I'd rather die.

585. I totally agree with you about Paula.

586. She once shredded a brief I wrote,

587. then took it out of the shredder and put it in the other way.

588. Paula is from

589. - an older generation of women. - Mm hm.

590. She came up in an era where she had to fight,

591. and that's why now, sometimes, she's such a big ol' "B."

592. Yeah, I know.

593. I used to really love her.

594. But now I'm with you guys.

595. - Cheers. - Yeah.

596. Cheers.

597. - Hey, I got to get out of here. - I got to get out of here, too.

598. No, no, you can't leave. You're Auntie Paula.

599. - You're Mama Rebecca. - I'm not Mama Rebecca.

600. I don't have any custody rights, just the right to pick the college.

601. Okay, okay, so we both need to find an excuse

602. - to get out of here. - What are we gonna do?

603. - I don't know. - Huh?

604. Oh, no, there's a bee on your dress.

605. What?

606. Whoops. I tried to save you from a stinging insect,

607. but accidentally used my cupcake hand.

608. Oh, oh, the same insect is on you.

609. Oh, no. Ooh... ah, my God.

610. Sensitive boobs. You know that.

611. Oh... aw, shucks. Guess we got to go clean up now.

612. We're so sorry. We got to go.

613. Back way, back way, back way.

614. - You're gonna love these cupcakes. - We got to go clean up.

615. - Delicious. - We got to get it off.

616. - It's all over. So good. - Come on.

617. So, am I really the office bitch?

618. Wait, you're actually asking me that?

619. Paula, it's your brand.

620. You have the mug that says "Office Bitch."

621. It's ironic.

622. Like the mug that says "Not A Mug."

623. I guess so.

624. I mean, you're nice to me, so I don't really care.

625. Hey, I know why I had to leave that party,

626. but why did you have to?

627. It was just hard to see Nathaniel.

628. I mean, you know,

629. my desk faces his, so I'm just kind of, like,

630. tired of that face

631. and those perfect blue eyes

632. and the perfect smile and the hot ass.

633. Uh-oh.

634. - Paula? - Uh-huh?

635. - You gonna be mad at me. - Uh-huh.

636. You know the possum and the cat

637. who have been fighting in the supply closet?

638. Uh-huh.

639. That's not a possum or a cat.

640. That's two people having sex.

641. - And it's me and Nathaniel! - Rebecca,

642. he has a serious girlfriend!

643. He-he's cheating on her with you?

644. You're having an affair?

645. No, it's not an affair; she doesn't know anything about it.

646. - What? - Ah! Don't judge me right now.

647. Oh, to hell with that. I am judging you.

648. - I am judging you so hard right now! - No, please don't.

649. Do you know what you are?

650. You're a Tanya.

651. - You're a stone-cold Tanya. - No.

652. You take that back. I am nothing like

653. that woman Scott cheated on you with.

654. Nathaniel and Mona aren't married,

655. they don't have kids, and I don't own an orange vest,

656. which is the only fact that I retain about Tanya.

657. I just, I can't, I can't believe you're a cheater.

658. I mean, you know how much it hurt me

659. when I was cheated on.

660. Oh, my God, I know. You're right, you're right.

661. You're right. I mean, it's why I've been avoiding telling you.

662. But I don't understand.

663. Because you dumped him, he still seems like

664. he wants to be with you.

665. Like, wh-why wouldn't you just date each other?

666. Just go out with him.

667. - Hey. - Hi.

668. I guess you didn't make it to the baby shower.

669. You missed the blessing of the egg donor.

670. We all whispered intentions into hard-boiled eggs.

671. Yeah, I got some cupcake on my shirt, so I-I had to leave.

672. Oh, um, you know, I'm actually running low on pens.

673. Are you running low on sticky thingies?

674. You want to hit the supply closet?

675. Um...

676. You know what? I would love to.

677. I really would, but...

678. I-I can't.

679. What?

680. Yeah, um... listen.

681. I think I'm... good

682. on office supplies...

683. forever.

684. Why no more office supplies?

685. So, I know that I said that...

686. I could get...

687. pencils and pens with you indefinitely...

688. but I can't.

689. Why? Y-You said getting...

690. Scotch Tape and Wite-Out

691. doesn't hurt anybody... That's what you said.

692. Yeah, but I was wrong. I was wrong, it does.

693. What are they talking about?

694. It's pretty obvious, dude.

695. Somebody got hurt with a pen.

696. The fact is

697. you're getting office supplies from someone else.

698. And I knew that, but I didn't, like...

699. I didn't know it

700. until I caught

701. a glimpse of your...

702. stationery representative.

703. So, yeah, it, uh...

704. it-it has to end.

705. Oh.

706. So... what I'm saying is

707. no more staples, no more paper clips,

708. no more...

709. spray cleaner for the white boards.

710. Well... okay.

711. I understand.

712. I guess we were

713. just kidding ourselves when we thought we could get erasers

714. and toners and index cards forever.

715. I wish you all of the...

716. freshest, inkiest yellow highlighters

717. there could ever be.

718. And I you.

719. I actually prefer the pink highlighters.

720. Why am I crying right now?

721. Is it time?

722. Is the baby coming?

723. Ooh, what... what are you wearing?

724. Hey. So... it's just a fat suit.

725. - What? - Yeah.

726. Uh, my dad got us these fat suits this one Thanksgiving,

727. 'cause he thought it'd be fun to reenact the family dinner scene

728. from The Nutty Professor.

729. - Your dad is pretty great. - I know. He rules.

730. All right, I'll catch you later, I guess.

731. Wait, where you going?

732. Oh, I told you, I'm going to the skateboarding expo.

733. And if they don't know I'm pregnant,

734. then they can't judge me for grippin' it and rippin' it.

735. And also, the suit will protect the baby,

736. so we're good.

737. Bye.

738. Sorry, I do not want to confront you

739. because you are violent and scary

740. and you weigh more than me.

741. Move, Hector, or I will move you.

742. Please don't make me do this.

743. Do not make me wrestle a pregnant woman in a fat suit,

744. because I will.

745. - Oh, my God, there's a podcast. - Where?

746. Wait. No!

747. Big gift!

748. - Yeah, that's it. Hey! - You're all here. Great.

749. I am here to be nice.

750. No one's gonna say hello? Okay.

751. So, what are you guys doing?

752. Just eating a snack.

753. - Cool. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. - Mm-hmm.

754. Ow! What the hell, Paula?

755. What? I want in on the slapping game.

756. - Gotcha! - Ow!

757. That is not how you play Slappy Slaps.

758. I'm sorry, Paula.

759. I badly want to foster an alliance with a woman,

760. but I have to be on the side of consent.

761. Hey.

762. God, you guys are a tough room.

763. I was just trying to be fun.

764. You and I used to have fun together, remember?

765. Yeah, we used to, before I started working here.

766. Why didn't you tell me you were the office bitch?

767. I didn't know.

768. Come on. You have that mug.

769. Look, Paula, I don't care

770. that you're not all fun and games at the office.

771. I don't even care that you yell

772. at people for not refilling the ice trays

773. or the way people chew their gum.

774. Okay, no. I'm just saying, chew one piece at a time.

775. It's not a meal.

776. What I do care about is that

777. you're not acknowledging my good work.

778. You're number one in our law school class;

779. I'm right up there with you, I'm number two.

780. And yet, you have dismissed

781. everything I've handed you

782. with a minor issue or quibble about the font, the margins...

783. - Okay, can I just say something? - No. My work is good.

784. Everyone's work here is pretty good.

785. Okay, well, not Tim, obviously.

786. He's a moron.

787. I just finished this closing argument.

788. I want you to read it and consider it, because it is damned good.

789. I need you to acknowledge that.

790. Hey.

791. Hi.

792. I know you said you wanted things to be over, and I understand.

793. I respect that.

794. But I just wanted to say that, um...

795. the last few months have meant a lot to me.

796. And they weren't just about the sex.

797. They were about you.

798. Me and you.

799. And if that's what you want,

800. I'll forget about everything else.

801. And everyone else.

802. For you.

803. Uh...

804. So, in not so many words,

805. he basically said he loves you and wants to be with you.

806. What did you say?

807. Nothing.

808. How do you feel about him?

809. It doesn't matter.

810. Rebecca, why do you think your feelings don't matter?

811. Because relationships do not work for me.

812. Did not work for you.

813. You're a different person than the last time you tried.

814. No, I'm not.

815. I'm not. I-I'm...

816. I am a-a slightly saner version of the person that I was,

817. and I'm barely holding on to even that.

818. I mean, honestly, I'm afraid.

819. Of course you are. That makes sense.

820. But you can't live your life without intimacy.

821. You need and deserve love.

822. It's okay for you to have it.

823. No, I-I can't. I-I can't. God, you don't understand.

824. What don't I understand?

825. I don't want to die, okay?

826. I've gotten better.

827. Okay, I've progressed, and yes,

828. I know that my relationship with Nathaniel

829. is not like it was with Josh.

830. That's right. But

831. if I try with Nathaniel, something will happen, okay?

832. He'll... he'll go out to dinner with a friend,

833. and he won't answer one of my texts,

834. or he'll go on a trip, and he won't call me enough, and...

835. I know what I'm capable of when I feel abandoned.

836. I can go to a really dark place,

837. and it's a place where I can hurt myself,

838. and I-I never want to be in that place again, ever.

839. Rebecca, that fear is always gonna be there.

840. But as a person who has known you for a long time,

841. you're more stable and self-aware than you were.

842. And you're a loving person

843. who deserves love.

844. One day, I hope you believe that.

845. It's great.

846. It's well written,

847. it's well argued.

848. It's great work.

849. Thank you.

850. Okay.

851. I-I know that I seem, like, super confident,

852. and I may be a big know-it-all...

853. No. You?

854. But I have insecurities, just like everybody else.

855. More, even.

856. I was a "C" student growing up.

857. And my father always told me I was an idiot,

858. and I got knocked up before I could finish college,

859. and I just, I always feel like I'm trying to prove myself,

860. especially in my career, because it is so important to me.

861. But that's my problem, and it's not your problem,

862. and I'm sorry I was a jerk, because I was.

863. Apology accepted.

864. Really? Yes.

865. Oh! Yes, thank you.

866. This is good.

867. Paula, I mean, it's like, um,

868. I'm Kenickie and you're Rizzo, and we're making up.

869. I know that reference! Grease, right?

870. - Yes, Grease. - I saw the movie.

871. And in this case, the movie is preferred.

872. Okay.

873. So do I have to apologize to everybody else now?

874. Oh, no. They're morons.

875. This is good.

876. Yeah!

877. You're right.

878. A nice lukewarm bath makes everything better.

879. Babe, why are you so upset about a skateboard thing?

880. Oh, it's not about a skateboard.

881. It's about my whole life.

882. It's about having to be responsible for things.

883. I mean, I have a job and a live-in boyfriend

884. and a baby in my stomach.

885. That's all grown-up stuff.

886. I mean, I never thought I would actually be a grown-up.

887. Yeah.

888. You know, I'm gonna pay taxes this year.

889. Isn't that ridiculous?

890. Yeah. I know how you feel. I get it.

891. I don't know how insurance works.

892. Me, neither.

893. We can figure those things out.

894. Me and you.

895. Yeah.