Crazy Ex-Girlfriend 3x10

1. Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...

2. Let's do something fun, like go to Raging Waters.

3. I have a deposition today.

4. Oh, Nathan-ay-El.

5. I'm using the exact tools that we have all learned here,

6. in group therapy with my friends,

7. Lana and Clarice and Bert

8. and Jo... illson.

9. Doesn't it feel like you're repeating some old patterns?

10. Your patterns with Josh, perhaps?

11. Are you breaking up with me right now?

12. I'm just saying that we can't be together

13. or go out or have sex.

14. Rebecca, wait, you can't just...

15. Who are we kidding, dude?

16. - We got dumped. - Yeah.

17. We did.

18. - What the hell are you doing? - Can I have my cash back now?

19. I already bought a hot tub.

20. You tried a lot of different things, and we supported you

21. every time you wanted to quit something.

22. I am an aimless cynic who has no plans for my future.

23. No, I don't live with my mom.

24. I live with my best friend.

25. I'll find someone great

26. to donate an egg.

27. I'd do anything for you. You know that, right?

28. You're donating an egg

29. - to Darryl? - I have thought this through.

30. - Have you, though? - No, not at all.

31. So... then I finished my continuing education archery class,

32. and now I'm, like, a champion-level bowman,

33. but it turns out, the Ren fair only comes, like, once a year.

34. Well, continuing ed. That's fun.

35. Yeah, now you can say you're a student again.

36. Yeah, but continuing ed

37. doesn't really count.

38. It's like... I don't know, if I'm not a student anymore,

39. then it's just, like,

40. who am I?

41. Oh! Hold on.

42. - Hormone time.

43. Can you just...

44. go to the bathroom and do that, please?

45. If women can breastfeed in public,

46. then I can inject myself with hormones

47. at this open-air donuteria.

48. I'm not ashamed of it.

49. I am helping my good friend Darryl make a baby,

50. and I do not care if people think it's gross.

51. I am people, and I think it's gross.

52. Guys, look at all of my subcutaneous tissue.

53. I'm, like, the sub-Q queen. Thanks, donuts.

54. Well, now you're actively ruining donuts for people.

55. - Ah... - Oh, my goodness. Ugh...

56. Ew!

57. Take it to the alley, junkie!

58. I'm making a miracle.

59. - People. - Wait.

60. What did Dr. Shin say about this whole thing?

61. - Hmm? - I don't know, maybe just seems like

62. someone in therapy for a personality disorder

63. may not want to take tons of hormones?

64. He said it was fine.

65. - Really? - Yeah.

66. As long as I'm present and aware,

67. and I monitor my mental state, it's all good.

68. And if I feel stuff start to come up,

69. I can just use the acronyms that I've learned in group.

70. Like, ooh, there's SASSY.

71. It's "Separate, Assess, Step Away, Soothe Yourself."

72. Oh, that's catchy.

73. Also, you know how Robert Downey Jr. kind of went through

74. that spiral, and he broke into someone's house

75. and slept in a child's bed?

76. But then, he had that guest star in Ally McBeal,

77. and now he's Iron Man?

78. That's me.

79. Someone translate, please?

80. Oh, she's going back to work.

81. That's what I meant. I'm going back to work!

82. Wow, you got your job back from Nathaniel?

83. I mean, that resignation didn't count.

84. And he knew that I would feel like

85. coming back to work at some point.

86. Yeah, are you sure he wants to work with you,

87. since you dumped him?

88. Oh, no, I didn't dump him.

89. I just put us on an indefinite permanent break.

90. I don't know what my identity is right now.

91. Should I say I am a bartender?

92. A lover of cheese?

93. A chewer of gum?

94. Like, I'm all of those things, but none define me.

95. Honey, that's all very interesting,

96. but this is a podcast about relationships.

97. We want to know about your relationship.

98. Yeah, well, it's just awkward,

99. because Hector's sitting right there,

100. and he's your son, so...

101. Oh, it's okay.

102. Whatever you want to say to me, you can say to me,

103. my mom and our 334 subscribers

104. to Dating For All Ages, which is brought to you

105. by Merv's Diner, on 4th and East Cameron.

106. Mention the podcast, and you get a free ham and cheese.

107. I guess what I would like to know

108. is where do you two stand?

109. How serious are you?

110. Well, I really like Hector, and...

111. our names definitely go well together.

112. Our couple name is "Heactor,"

113. like "Hector," but with an extra A.

114. But I can't really make any decisions

115. about our relationship until I sort out who I am.

116. Heather, I just want to take our relationship to the next level,

117. become more officially a couple.

118. Well, another challenge is that you live here with your mom,

119. who's your best friend, so there's also that...

120. Oh. Sorry.

121. Dude, we're recording.

122. When I said you could stay here,

123. I said we needed it quiet during pod-casting hours.

124. Yeah, totally. I just...

125. I-I just want to get the tasty scragglers at the bottom.

126. Um, but... you guys keep going.

127. I-I'm loving this.

128. I-I'll just scrag more quietly.

129. Oh, yeah, no, no.

130. This is just gonna be too loud.

131. I'll-I'll just put them away.

132. Do you have a chip clip?

133. No?

134. Hi. There you are. Uh...

135. Of all the law firms in all the towns,

136. I had to walk into this one.

137. What are you doing here?

138. Um, I am here to tell you that I have amazing news.

139. You're leaving town again?

140. No. I'm ready to come back to work.

141. - Where? - Here.

142. - How? - What?

143. You don't work here anymore, Rebecca.

144. You resigned, remember?

145. What... no, I didn't resign.

146. My mother resigned for me while she was drugging me,

147. so that's not legal.

148. Oh, I see your point.

149. - Yes. - You didn't resign.

150. No.

151. - You still work here. - Yes.

152. And now, you're fired.

153. Oh, hey, boss.

154. Kevin, can I...

155. help you with something?

156. Oh, I just wanted to, uh...

157. I have a good reason for asking this, I swear...

158. Uh, if someone asked...

159. Not me, but someone... What would you say you are?

160. S... what?

161. Well, you know, like, uh, where are you from?

162. Oh, um, I was born in Arizona,

163. and then my dad, his job transferred

164. - from there to here... - Yeah... I-I'm sorry.

165. I-I meant, where are your parents from?

166. Yeah, um, well, my mom is from Michigan,

167. and my dad is from Michigan.

168. They met at University of Michigan.

169. So, crazy story, huh?

170. Kevin, are you trying to ask me what my ethnic background is?

171. - No. - No?

172. I mean, yes.

173. Yeah. I-I mean, not because

174. I-I care about what you are,

175. I mean, you can be anything you want.

176. Oh... Oh, thank you.

177. I mean, you're obviously something!

178. Uh, I mean, we...

179. we have never talked about...

180. I mean, I've wondered... Though, for no reason.

181. Oh, God,

182. this is a disaster, isn't it?

183. And I'm so hot.

184. Okay, well...

185. Oh!

186. You took it off.

187. Oh. The point is,

188. it doesn't matter what race you are, you are my equal.

189. Oh, okay.

190. Kevin, did you, um, did you have a point,

191. - or is this just for fun? - Yes!

192. Yes.

193. There's a training program

194. at Home Base corporate,

195. and they are encouraging people who are...

196. who are...

197. S-Say it...

198. Dear God in Heaven, please.

199. Diverse?

200. Yes. Yes.

201. Oh...

202. Kevin, all you had to say was, like,

203. "Hey, there's a corporate management training program,

204. here's a form."

205. Right. Here's a form.

206. Wait. I'm fired?

207. Um, are... are you angry at me

208. because of what happened between us?

209. Because I told you,

210. that had nothing to do with you, that-that was all me.

211. Oh, really? You're gonna hit me with

212. the "it's not you, it's me"?

213. Next thing I know, you're gonna hit me

214. with the "I was going through a thing."

215. I... was going through a thing.

216. I'm... still going through a thing,

217. I'm trying to get healthy in my life.

218. Oh, "get healthy"?

219. Really, Miss Personal Pan Pizza? Okay.

220. - Good luck with that. - Wow.

221. So you're just gonna be

222. a petulant little child about this? Really?

223. I am not being a child, okay?

224. Now get out of my room.

225. I mean, my office.

226. Get out of my-my office.

227. What is wrong with you?

228. Why are you sweating like Mickey Rourke after a meal

229. - at Fogo de Chao? - Nothing. Okay? I'm fine.

230. SASSY. SASSY.

231. "Sassy"? What are you talking... I don't even know

232. what you're talking about. Just get out of my office.

233. Okay, fine, it's too hot in here, anyway.

234. Good!

235. Fine, I'm sweaty?

236. I'll show you how sweaty I am.

237. Okay, real professional.

238. That was disgusting!

239. I'm not a child!

240. I'm not a... where's my ball?

241. What happened in there? Are you okay?

242. Yeah. I'm fine.

243. I just think

244. the, uh, I think it's just the hormones kicking in.

245. And also, Nathaniel was really horrible to me in there.

246. Uh, he fired me.

247. Yeah, and, like, in a really mean way.

248. He insulted my... personal pan pizzas... anyway,

249. uh, I don't have to tell you guys this, though.

250. You know what a monster he can be.

251. Actually, he's been okay lately.

252. Yeah. Yesterday,

253. he patted me on the head, although,

254. he might've been trying to stand up.

255. He's been taking your bust-up pretty well, actually.

256. Clearly not. He's clearly devastated and lashing out.

257. Mm, I don't know if he's that devastated.

258. He's got this new gal pal.

259. Darryl. That was an office secret.

260. It was on the group text chain called, "Shh!"

261. Hold up. New gal pal?

262. Yeah, this new girlfriend is all over his Instagram.

263. He is flaunting her everywhere.

264. He's even tagging her in photos

265. Sunsets,

266. rescue dogs,

267. farmers' market.

268. Can someone give me their phone?

269. Honey, no, no, no.

270. That's not a good idea.

271. You're off social media, remember?

272. It's fine. Okay.

273. I'm s... I'm sorry, Tim,

274. why is your phone background a picture of Shania Twain?

275. She's beautiful, she is from Canada

276. and she raised her brothers and sisters all on her own.

277. - That doesn't impress me much. - Okay.

278. Ha... oh, there she is.

279. Okay, well...

280. You know what? She's beautiful.

281. She also went to Stanford.

282. And she works in a mutual fund.

283. She's perfect for him.

284. There. See? I'm fine.

285. No.

286. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. This can't be.

287. Did he take her home to meet his family?

288. Did he propose?

289. Way worse.

290. The worsest.

291. He took her to Raging Waters!

292. That's her Paris.

293. No.

294. I mean, he can't be allowed to do this to me...

295. you, all of us.

296. I mean, guys,

297. have you forgotten what he was like

298. the first week he came here?

299. He instantly wanted to fire all of you.

300. And, Darryl, um, hello... He stole your firm.

301. He scooped up your ex-wife Stacey's shares

302. behind your back.

303. Oh, that's true.

304. Oh, no, no, no, no.

305. He cannot do this. I say we fight back,

306. and we take this firm back.

307. That sounds a little aggressive

308. I don't know how I feel about that.

309. Maybe we could just write him a letter.

310. Oh, guys, guys!

311. - What? - Huh?

312. Have you forgotten the kind of person he really is?

313. Hey, what's a "reprise"?

314. Anyway, so who's with me?

315. Yay... I am...

316. So it's on!

317. Chocolate, meet Honey. Honey, meet Chocolate.

318. Hello, Honey, nice to meet you.

319. Oh, hello, Chocolate.

320. Ooh, do you want to make love in Rebecca's mouth?

321. Yeah!

322. Mmm. Hungry hormone feast.

323. Hey, Hector, have you heard about the cool thing I'm doing?

324. I'm taking my firm back.

325. Nathaniel hoodwinked and bamboozled Darryl to get it,

326. and now I'm gonna hornswoggle him right back.

327. - She talks like an old lady. - Mm-hmm.

328. I prefer '40s detective, but thank you.

329. Wait, how are you gonna take back the firm?

330. That's what I'm trying to suss out now,

331. my bird-boned friend.

332. I have to find some way to undermine him.

333. Oh, you know what you could do...

334. Try the dark Internet.

335. People do all kinds of creepy stuff on there.

336. My friend met someone on the dark web

337. that made her stepdad disappear.

338. I don't know about that, Hector.

339. I mean, that seems a little bit extreme.

340. Ah! Damn it!

341. Oh, man...

342. Ahh.

343. Hey, Heather, wait, what are you doing

344. dressed all Good Wife?

345. I mean, usually you have your entire midriff hanging out.

346. Like, we get it, you're skinny.

347. I'm sorry. Um, that was rude.

348. I'm very hormonal.

349. Well, I applied for that Home Base

350. management training program.

351. I don't know, I'm a little worried

352. it's gonna be too uptight for me.

353. Their dress code is so conservative.

354. It's like, no tattoos, no body drawing, no hair dye.

355. It's, like, my whole look.

356. I guess I'll just have to express my colorful personality

357. with my animated vocal inflections.

358. Ah! I found it! Sorry.

359. I found the loophole.

360. I know how to get the firm back.

361. I gotta go... assemble the team.

362. Congratulations.

363. Well, trainees, on behalf of

364. Home Base Industries and Three Strikes You're In, LLC,

365. welcome to the orientation

366. for the management training program.

367. You guys have been selected from Home Bases

368. across the land...

369. By "across the land" I mean the northern

370. southwestern region of California...

371. To begin your new careers.

372. Congratulations, folks.

373. You've gotten to first base.

374. That's so Du...

375. Okay, so,

376. any questions at all?

377. Uh, yeah, I have a few.

378. - Mm-hmm. - First,

379. are there going to be constant baseball puns?

380. Because that's strike one.

381. Get it? Be... Um...

382. Also, we're supposed to wear pantyhose,

383. but pantyhose are actually not sanitary.

384. They trap all the juices.

385. Like, scientifically.

386. You know.

387. Oh, yep, this is super uptight.

388. I know how we can obliterate Nathaniel.

389. I mean, take the firm back.

390. So, here's what happened. When Nathaniel

391. bought Stacey's shares,

392. the transaction was not executed

393. in the correct county, because Stacey lives in Orange County.

394. Of course she does.

395. So the transfer of the shares needed

396. to be notarized in the local jurisdiction.

397. This is boring. What are you saying?

398. I'm saying

399. that if we can get those shares voided,

400. buy them back, we will control 60% of the firm,

401. making us all the controlling entity.

402. Any questions?

403. Yeah, I have one. Instead of doing all of this,

404. why don't you just get a job somewhere else?

405. You could go anywhere.

406. Yeah, you could probably take all of us with you, too.

407. - Might be fun. - I personally would like to work

408. at a firm where I could be outside all day.

409. You know, like Google or SpaceX.

410. Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. This is...

411. this is not about having a job

412. or getting health insurance or being happier

413. or being in fresh air. No, no, no.

414. This is about justice for all of us.

415. It's about... it's about good versus evil.

416. You guys know that. Come on.

417. Head back in the game.

418. I am going to get Stacey to file with the court

419. to get us a hearing to void the transfer of the shares.

420. Mm, how are you gonna do that?

421. My ex-wife can be one tough nut.

422. This is nice, but...

423. this was really $10,000?

424. Sure was.

425. Wait until you feel these jets.

426. - Oh! - Right?

427. Mmm.

428. Wow, I would really love five minutes alone in here

429. with my phone browser set to private.

430. Sorry. I'm, uh... very horny right now.

431. - My body's making an egg. - Oh.

432. That's right, you're making a baby with my ex-husband.

433. That's kind of weird.

434. Yeah, so my sex drive is just... it's off the charts.

435. Okay, what is it that you want?

436. I mean, you invited yourself over here.

437. You showed up with a bottle of wine and your bathing suit,

438. said you had an offer I couldn't refuse,

439. and now you're talking about your sex drive?

440. I'm not bi. Sorry.

441. - Darryl's the bi one. - Hey, you know what?

442. I'm not bi, either.

443. I mean, I have certain bi tendencies.

444. Mm-hmm. Honestly, Kinsey scale, I'm probably a 1.8.

445. But anyway, Stacey, this is about business.

446. So, all right, those shares

447. in the Whitefeather firm that you sold to Nathaniel...

448. Which, by the way, I mean,

449. was just not the nicest thing to do to Darryl.

450. I'm an incredibly nice person.

451. Would you turn that baby off?

452. I'm sorry, just, ugh, these neighbors.

453. Am I right?

454. Look, I got those Whitefeather shares

455. fair and square in my divorce.

456. - So... - Okay, you did,

457. but when you sold them to Nathaniel,

458. you put that firm in the hands

459. of someone who is systematically exploiting people

460. and taking some other people

461. to water parks for no apparent reason.

462. Wait, what?

463. Nothing. Okay, Stacey,

464. what if I told you that I could void that sale

465. and then buy those shares back?

466. I heard that,

467. - you stupid baby! - Okay, I want to...

468. I want to take that evil Nathaniel to court

469. and void the sale and then get the shares back, so, huh?

470. And why would I do that?

471. Come on, Stacey, there must be something you want.

472. Shut up, baby!

473. Just shut it down!

474. Your Honor, we are here today

475. to establish that Mr. Plimpton

476. acquired the shares of the Whitefeather firm

477. through fraudulent manipulation and...

478. You're suing me?

479. Are you out of your mind?

480. Excuse me, you cannot just barge in my house.

481. And you know what? You don't have any right to be mad at me.

482. I'm the good guy here. Yeah, I'm the one

483. looking out for the-the people of Whitfeather.

484. Just tell me, how did you convince Stacey

485. to contest the sale of the shares?

486. I volunteered to represent her for free

487. in her noise complaint lawsuit against the baby next door.

488. Not the parents. The baby.

489. She was very specific about that.

490. Stacey's not a nice person, actually.

491. I know what this is.

492. You're trying to get back at me for not rehiring you

493. and for the Raging Waters...

494. Oh! Oh, so you admit it.

495. Raging Waters was just

496. to rub your new relationship in my face.

497. Oh, my God. It's so transparent.

498. Look, it's not my fault that you can't get over me.

499. Oh. I am over you.

500. I am totally over you.

501. - Mm-hmm. Sure. Uh-huh. - Yeah. I am dating someone

502. who's funny, intelligent, not crazy.

503. - "Not crazy"? - Yeah.

504. - Oh, oh, oh, nice word. Screw you. - Screw you.

505. - Screw you. - Screw you.

506. I don't think about you at all anymore.

507. - I don't think about you, either. - I never think about you

508. when I'm home alone in bed under the covers, warm at night.

509. I don't think about you when I'm in a hot tub

510. - with high-powered jets. - What?

511. Nothing. So, we agree.

512. This conflict is just about the legalities of the case.

513. Yeah, we agree.

514. - Fine, I'll see you in court! - Oh, yeah.

515. - I'll see you in court. - Aah, wear a suit! What?

516. Heather, just don't disturb me!

517. I'll be in my room for eight to ten minutes!

518. Oh, right, she's at work.

519. I'm gonna borrow her vibrator.

520. Heather, we need to talk.

521. Oh, what, I'm fired

522. because Linda saw my butt piercing?

523. That thing is really hard to get out. You try it.

524. No, not that.

525. No, I have great news.

526. Your idea to add dessert tapas to the menu,

527. I pitched it to menu technologies

528. and they came back with a good deal of enthusiasm.

529. Oh, yeah.

530. They are gonna run it up the ladder, circle back

531. and send it down the chain.

532. Is that, like, corporate talk for saying I had a good idea?

533. Uh, yeah. A good idea.

534. Cool.

535. Um, I have another one.

536. We should institute a rideshare service at all locations

537. because we're basically putting drunk parents

538. into cars with their children.

539. My God, you are a visionary. Yeah.

540. Yeah. I also don't want kids to die,

541. but, uh, yeah.

542. Okay, guys.

543. I got this.

544. I'm gonna knock it out of the park.

545. Okay.

546. This court is in session.

547. Ms. Bunch, Mr. Plimpton, your arguments may begin.

548. Your Honor, we are here today to establish that

549. Mr. Plimpton's acquisition of the shares

550. in the Whitefeather firm was fraudulent.

551. That argument should be rejected on a prima facie basis.

552. It is absurd.

553. Manipulating a transaction

554. to gain a jurisdictional advantage

555. is dishonest and cannot be abided.

556. Your claims are overstated

557. and stretch the legal limits of local arbitration laws.

558. Can you guys look at me?

559. I can barely hear what you're saying.

560. - Of course, Your Honor. - Sorry, Your Honor.

561. As I was saying,

562. Mr. Plimpton was fully aware of all the jurisdictional issues

563. when he first approached Ms. Whitefeather

564. to acquire the shares.

565. Ow, thorns.

566. Well, you've made some powerful arguments for both sides.

567. Who won?

568. Yeah, me or him?

569. I'm not sure. Can we do it again from the top?

570. - Oh, God. - Oh.

571. Just joking.

572. Ms. Bunch, I rule in your favor.

573. The transaction is void.

574. The shares revert to Stacey Whitefeather.

575. Who is selling them to us.

576. Oh, my God.

577. Ah, you're so sweaty.

578. I know, it's just... it's a whole...

579. - it's a whole thing. - Aah.

580. This is amazing, but now we have to buy the shares.

581. I mean, how are we gonna do that? None of us have any money.

582. Don't worry. I got it covered.

583. Shtetl ring to the rescue again.

584. Mm-hmm.

585. It's been in my family for generations.

586. Legend has it that the stone was mined from the same mountain

587. as Chaim Potok's wife's wedding ring.

588. It's fake.

589. What?

590. Oh, it's completely fake.

591. What? No, no. No.

592. How-how can the Garfinkel ring not be real?

593. I sold this.

594. I sold this to a pawn shop on East Cameron.

595. Oh, that place went out of business.

596. Poor sap was buying fake jewelry.

597. Oh, my God.

598. Paula, we need money.

599. We don't have money. What are we gonna do?

600. We don't have any cabbage, scratch,

601. no clams, no grilled cheese.

602. Is grilled cheese old-timey slang for money?

603. No, I just really want a grilled cheese.

604. Oh, with marshmallows. God, I'm so hormonal.

605. Okay, you got to know somebody with money.

606. I mean, you grew up in Richistan.

607. Don't you all have cocktail parties

608. where you just stand around

609. and talk about how to get more tax breaks or...

610. Paula, you bring up a point.

611. I do know some rich people.

612. Look, Audra and I have been friends a long time,

613. and you and I shared that magical night together,

614. and I just thought, you're always talking about

615. how rich you are, so, you know, it's no skin off your...

616. Yeah, I-I'm rich because I don't give money to idiots like you.

617. And will you please

618. stop telling people that I'm a terrible lay

619. and that I have a small hmm?

620. It's sufficient.

621. You must be so proud.

622. What don't you understand, Rebecca?

623. My ecstasy factory is losing money.

624. Everything's about opioids now.

625. No one wants good, artisanal ecstasy.

626. God, BJ, you went to Harvard.

627. It's called being a hyphenate, Rebecca.

628. Look it up.

629. Come on, buddy, help me out.

630. I don't know you.

631. You keep saying you met me at some boba stand.

632. Listen, I don't remember individual bobas.

633. I boba three or four times a week.

634. Now stop pestering my assistant.

635. No, no, no, Dr. Phil, please don't go.

636. Hey.

637. I have a lot of feelings about my job

638. and I want to talk about them.

639. Okay, so, I like having a real job.

640. I feel like I have a lot to contribute.

641. Also, what am I saying? I'm crushing it.

642. I'm doing better than any other trainee.

643. Also, having dental insurance is nice.

644. My wisdom teeth are on the move.

645. But I really don't like the corporate environment

646. and sports wordplay and I miss my side hobbies,

647. so, um, what do I do?

648. Well, do you have a lot of money I could use?

649. Me?

650. You pay my rent, so...

651. Oh, God.

652. Oh, God, I-I really, I really messed up.

653. Um, so, I told a bunch of people that they could have something

654. and they can't and I got their hopes up.

655. And, oh, God.

656. Oh, my hormones are out of control.

657. It's like a hundred periods,

658. plus what I imagine cocaine would be like

659. if I weren't too chicken to try it.

660. - I... - And here's the thing.

661. The girl Nathaniel's dating, it's killing me, okay?

662. I say it's not, but it is.

663. Every time I see a picture of them, it just,

664. it-it breaks my heart, especially because she kind of

665. looks like me, but she has, like,

666. better eyebrows and thick, lustrous hair.

667. It's like if you put me in a Disney princess machine.

668. Oh, my God, I missed a shot.

669. I got to go.

670. Also, you should wash your vibrator.

671. Wait... wait, what?

672. What?

673. All right.

674. Let's see who this whore is who gets to go to my water parks.

675. Try the dark Internet.

676. Dark Internet, dark Internet,

677. - dark Internet, dark Internet...

678. So, it's possible, not certain,

679. but possible that in a, uh, hormone-fueled romp

680. through the dark Internet last night,

681. I may have ordered a hit on Nathaniel's girlfriend, Mona.

682. So, I, but it's okay. It's okay.

683. I undid it this morning.

684. I mean, at least I tried to.

685. Hope I did. I think I did. I probably did.

686. But, um, yeah, so I'm starting to think

687. that maybe the hormones, like, were not the best idea for me.

688. But I'm-I'm not ragging on hormones

689. and egg donation, in general.

690. Like, it's a wonderful thing.

691. But, like, for me, in particular.

692. Uh, that should've been obvious.

693. We shouldn't be discussing anything major

694. until Dr. Shin gets here.

695. Actually, guys, so, don't-don't tell Dr. Shin

696. anything that I just told you

697. because I didn't check with him

698. about this whole egg donation thing.

699. I knew he would say it was a bad idea

700. and I thought I could just

701. SASSY my way through it.

702. Is GASSY a thing? Because I sit next to you

703. and it seems like you eat a lot of cruciferous veggies.

704. Guys, look, I know I'm super hormonal and irrational

705. and rage-fueled right now, but I... you know what?

706. This takeover was a good idea. It's a worthy cause.

707. Yes, I know I was partly doing it because of Nathaniel

708. and his Insta-whore,

709. but I really care about these people.

710. You know, I-I care about all those yutzes and-and he doesn't.

711. I would be so much better of a boss,

712. and now I don't have the money to buy the shares,

713. and I've had such a tough year

714. and I just want to fight for the little guy.

715. You know? I want to, I want to battle the corporate machine.

716. - Yeah! - Guys, guys, shut up.

717. Dr. Shin is coming.

718. Oh, guys, please, please, don't tell him anything.

719. Okay? Don't tell him anything. Right?

720. Borderlines... go!

721. Ew.

722. - Hey, Heather. - Hey.

723. It's good to see you.

724. How's the program going?

725. Ah, I miss this place.

726. The smell of the fries,

727. the sound of the fries,

728. the heat from the fries.

729. You want some fries?

730. Yeah. Thanks.

731. Gross.

732. This place used to be my playground.

733. It's still a playground.

734. I mean, it's literally a playground.

735. Chris, I don't know what to do.

736. Me, neither.

737. Both of my parents are drunk

738. and I don't have a ride home.

739. That's what I said.

740. - Have a good week. - Yeah, next week.

741. See you next week.

742. Rebecca. Oh, my God, Bert,

743. I can't thank you enough

744. for covering for me. I mean, God,

745. you spent that whole session talking about chemtrails.

746. Governments use aircraft fumes to spray us with sedatives.

747. - Okay. - That's why Americans

748. are all so sleepy.

749. Anyway, I wanted to tell you this.

750. Few people know this about me, but I am a Bitcoin thousandaire.

751. Okay, wow. Uh, what?

752. Yeah, so I have all this money and nothing to spend it on.

753. These fishing vests last a lifetime,

754. especially if you never fish.

755. What are you saying?

756. I'm saying I'll give you the money for your firm.

757. I'll be a silent partner,

758. and you can control the shares; you can do whatever you want.

759. Oh, my God, Bert, Bert, you...

760. you have no idea what this means to me.

761. I mean, why would you even do this?

762. Well, I like how you look out for the little guy.

763. And to tell you the truth, I also need a tax break.

764. Oh, God, Bert, thank you, thank you so much.

765. Oh, you're welcome.

766. Oh, just don't squeeze too hard. Ooh.

767. Just, oh, just my boobs.

768. - They're giant melons of pain. - I'm sorry.

769. You've also got a pretty big zit on your chin.

770. I'm aware.

771. What?

772. Oh, of course. Okay. What is going on?

773. What's going on is that

774. you are no longer the senior partner at this firm.

775. I found a semi-wealthy

776. semi-friend to buy the voided shares,

777. and he and Darryl have designated me

778. as the proxy to make all the decisions.

779. - So, I am now your superior. - Superior?

780. - You're not a man. - Ah,

781. things are gonna be a lot different

782. around here, Nathaniel. Mm-mm-mm.

783. 30-hour workweeks, mandatory nap breaks,

784. - two-hour lunches. - Oh, what's going on?

785. Here, no, no, no, no, no, no.

786. Get this garbage out of my office.

787. Excuse me, that's not garbage. That's Gloria.

788. Estefan?

789. No, Gloria Steinem and you knew that. And this is our office now.

790. See, Darryl is about to have a baby,

791. courtesy of me and my powerful ovaries.

792. So, get comfy.

793. 'Cause I'm moving in with you.

794. So, in the next four years, we will have five

795. new sites and 16 new menu items...

796. Hey, Frank.

797. Heather. Hi. Sorry to bother you

798. during... whatever this boring thing is that you're doing.

799. Is this the refreshing person you told us about?

800. Dessert tapas.

801. Yes, that's me.

802. Dessert tapas.

803. So, I came here to quit, because I hate

804. offices and conference rooms and undergarments, but...

805. no, I don't want to quit,

806. because you guys definitely need diversity.

807. And I don't just mean people of color,

808. which you also desperately need. It's, like,

809. creepily homogenous in this place.

810. But I also mean, like,

811. people who have good, out-of-the-box ideas.

812. I want to go where I'm needed.

813. I actually love the Home Bases, like, a lot,

814. and I want to make them all better.

815. Like, from top to bottom, not just

816. in one area.

817. So... I'd like to be transferred

818. to the store management trainee program

819. where I can start to manage stores on site.

820. We don't have that program.

821. But we should.

822. I make a motion to start one.

823. You can just do that?

824. Of course. I just need someone to second it.

825. Second it. And third.

826. What a board meeting.

827. I might make love to my wife tonight.

828. Lucky woman.

829. Yeah. She's really lucky.

830. - Sure is. - Wow.

831. So, now,

832. at long last, I know who I am.

833. I'm not a student.

834. I'm a regional manager.

835. I get to boss people around

836. at three San Gabriel Valley Home Bases.

837. - Wow. - Yeah.

838. Of course, the West Covina Home Base

839. will be my home base Home Base.

840. So you're basically Kevin's boss now?

841. Yeah.

842. Yeah. That's weird.

843. God, I just feel like...

844. everything's come together in this cool and unexpected way.

845. And so now...

846. I don't know... I feel ready to take our thing

847. to the next level, too.

848. Really?

849. Yeah. I was thinking

850. maybe you could... move in?

851. But I know you're happy here

852. being besties with your mom.

853. I can't believe this thing's, like, a large.

854. But it looks so good.

855. I'm so happy to do that for you. No. I...

856. - So sweet of you. - Aw.

857. We're gonna go see Metallica.

858. - Uh, we might be home late. - Mm.

859. - S... Bye. - Bye!

860. - I'm so excited. - I know. Bye.

861. Yeah, about my mom...

862. For the last few days, I've seen Josh

863. become her best friend, and...

864. it's not a good look for him.

865. Or me.

866. It's time for me to move out.

867. Good job, baby.

868. Welcome home, Regional Manager.

869. I was so happy when I heard the news, I went out

870. - and got you a little present. - What?

871. Kevin, you didn't have to get me anything.

872. Yes, I did.

873. When last we spoke, I was being insensitive.

874. Since then, I've gone through extensive online training

875. in racial sensitivity.

876. - What? - I got you this gift

877. to say congrats on the new job

878. and also to say

879. I'm... "sari."

880. Kevin, I'm not Indian.

881. I get that a lot, but...

882. my mom's white, my dad's black.

883. That's what I am. I'm half-black, half-white.

884. 100% Michigan.

885. No. What have I done?

886. I don't know, but even if I were Indian,

887. like, not the right move at all here.

888. I'm so ashamed!

889. And so hot!

890. No... Oh, it's happening.

891. Okay, no. Uh...

892. Oh. Your new rule

893. about mandated undershirts is a good idea.

894. Any minute, they're gonna call and tell us

895. how the surrogate implantation is going.

896. Oh, my God. Can you imagine, carrying someone else's baby?

897. What an angel. It's amazing. I know. I can't...

898. Oh! Oh. Oh! Oh!

899. Hello?

900. Yes, this is Darryl Whitefeather.

901. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

902. What? Hey, what's happening? What's wrong?

903. Mm, mm, mm.

904. Yes.

905. No, thank you. I und... I understand.

906. The doctor was gonna put our embryo in the surrogate,

907. and he realized that she was already pregnant

908. - and she didn't know. - What?

909. Oh, God.

910. I'm gonna have to find a surrogate in the next 24 hours

911. or they're gonna freeze the embryo,

912. which makes it way less viable.

913. I'll do it.

914. - Wait, what did she just say? - Sorry,

915. hey, Heather? Can you... can you come...

916. can you come back here for a second?

917. What w... What did... what-what did you say?

918. Oh.

919. Yeah, I'm feeling good about my future.

920. I can do a quick favor.

921. It's still just nine months, right?

922. They haven't changed that, have they?

923. 'Cause you know I love my hobbies.

924. Did you just say that you would carry our baby?

925. Yeah, it's fine.

926. Oh, my God. Heather.

927. Okay. Moved in my beanbag chair.

928. What-What's happening?

929. Oh. The three of us are just gonna have a baby together.

930. It's no big deal.

931. Cool. Cool.

932. What?

933. - Heather! Oh, my God! - Yay!

934. Hey. Um...

935. I've been thinking about how I've acted

936. over the past couple weeks, and, um...

937. now that I'm off the hormones,

938. I realize that my behavior has been,

939. shall we say, heightened.

940. So, I, uh...

941. I apologize.

942. I know I wasn't the nicest person

943. when you asked for your job back.

944. And the Raging Waters thing...

945. I was trying to get under your skin.

946. I'm sorry.

947. Honestly, we went in there for ten minutes,

948. took a picture, and left.

949. You know I can't stand direct sunlight and people.

950. Right. Right.

951. Nathaniel, I know that you think

952. that I ditched you,

953. but I really am just...

954. I'm not ready to be in a real relationship right now.

955. I really care about you.

956. I hope you know that.

957. And breaking things off with you was,

958. honestly, one of the hardest things I've ever done.

959. Wow.

960. Yeah.

961. Okay.

962. And, um...

963. I'm happy that you found someone else.

964. - Mona seems lovely. - Yeah.

965. Yeah, she really is.

966. Great. So I'm glad that we can just be adults now.

967. - Yes, exactly. - Okay, good.

968. Um...

969. Uh... Ah.

970. Friends? Friends.

971. Yeah.

972. This is a terrible idea.

973. This is the worst idea. This is the worst idea.