1. Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...Copy !req
2. The wedding is in two weeks!Copy !req
3. I had sex with Tanya.Copy !req
4. You don't live here anymore.Copy !req
5. Please give me another chance.Copy !req
6. You need to earn back my trust.Copy !req
7. I'm ready to do the work.Copy !req
8. Oh, watching you and Madison together,Copy !req
9. I had a big breakthrough.Copy !req
10. We should have a baby.Copy !req
11. - We should have sex.
- What?Copy !req
12. I know. I'm shocked, too.Copy !req
13. Rebecca Bunch's past, please.Copy !req
14. Here you go.Copy !req
15. You just called me Robert.Copy !req
16. Being a priest is dope.Copy !req
17. Did Jesus ever give
you any reason to, like,Copy !req
18. - have doubts?
- No.Copy !req
19. I have questions about Rebecca,Copy !req
20. and I don't know if
they're real questionsCopy !req
21. or if I have the jitters.Copy !req
22. So find Rebecca.Copy !req
23. Ask her your questions.Copy !req
24. And Eagle is gone.Copy !req
25. Josh is leaving meCopy !req
26. to become a priest?Copy !req
27. Rebecca! Stop!Copy !req
28. Josh Chan must be destroyed.Copy !req
29. — Synced and corrected by ChrisKe —
— www.addic7ed.com —Copy !req
30. - Anything?
- Maya!Copy !req
31. Don't yell at me.Copy !req
32. I haven't asked about her today yet.Copy !req
33. Read the sign with me, Maya.Copy !req
34. "I don't know where Rebecca is.Copy !req
35. "Stop asking me.Copy !req
36. "After we agreed to destroy Josh Chan,Copy !req
37. "Rebecca excused herself to peeCopy !req
38. "and I haven't heard from her since.Copy !req
39. "I do know she's aliveCopy !req
40. "because she liked my
Ice Bucket Challenge videoCopy !req
41. from three years ago."Copy !req
42. I know, but, Paula,
that sign really skimpsCopy !req
43. on her interiority.Copy !req
44. And we all have so many questions.Copy !req
45. It's been two weeks.Copy !req
46. Was there somebody else?Copy !req
47. Is Josh really becoming a priest?Copy !req
48. Why didn't that bitch
invite me to the wedding?Copy !req
49. Enough! I wish I had
answers, but I don't!Copy !req
50. I don't know where she is!Copy !req
51. Go!Copy !req
52. Get... Go!Copy !req
53. You're fired again, George.Copy !req
54. Aw, son of a...Copy !req
55. I have a hunch!Copy !req
56. Yeah?Copy !req
57. No, I just liked the rhyme.Copy !req
58. No!Copy !req
59. So, no word from Rebecca yet?Copy !req
60. No. I-I think she needs
just a couple of daysCopy !req
61. to process everything.Copy !req
62. Poor thing, she has
been through so much.Copy !req
63. Love has not been kind to her.Copy !req
64. Yeah, not everyone can
be as lucky as we are.Copy !req
65. We're getting a second chanceCopy !req
66. after my... horrible mistake, thank God.Copy !req
67. Yeah, we are. And I have to thank you.Copy !req
68. You've been just so greatCopy !req
69. about all these rules
and... Oh, by the way,Copy !req
70. did you remember to sign in last night?Copy !req
71. Because I was so busy I forgot to check.Copy !req
72. Come on. Of course I did.Copy !req
73. - I want to restore our marital trust.Copy !req
74. Ooh, who signed in early
every day this week?Copy !req
75. Good job.Copy !req
76. Thanks. I'm excited
about this rule here.Copy !req
77. "Scott sleeps on the
couch until he passesCopy !req
78. the lie-detector test three times."Copy !req
79. I've only got one test left,Copy !req
80. and back in the bed.Copy !req
81. Yep. Uh-huh.Copy !req
82. Yep. But, you know what?
First you have to pass it.Copy !req
83. And the questions are, like, no jokeCopy !req
84. on the last test... just a heads-up.Copy !req
85. - I'm ready.
- Okay, I am just...Copy !req
86. I'm just checking.Copy !req
87. You're-you're okay, you're
fine with all this, right?Copy !req
88. - Are you kidding? Yes.
- Right.Copy !req
89. Our plan gets rid of all the guilt.Copy !req
90. It spells it all out. No confusion.Copy !req
91. I'm so confused.Copy !req
92. Who called this meeting again?Copy !req
93. I don't know, I just got an anonymousCopy !req
94. Google Calendar invite.Copy !req
95. Okay, who is wasting my
time with a stupid meeting?Copy !req
96. Hmm? And what was up
with the subject line...Copy !req
97. "Insidious Business"?Copy !req
98. - Is this you, Darryl?
- Hmm?Copy !req
99. It makes so little sense,
it seems like a you thing.Copy !req
100. - Does it?
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
101. I have a "me" thing?Copy !req
102. What are some of my other "me" things?Copy !req
103. Asking a lot of questions,
is that a "me" thing?Copy !req
104. Wait, so nobody knows what this is?Copy !req
105. - Mm-mm.
- Yeah, okay, I'm out of here.Copy !req
106. Not so fast, mama.Copy !req
107. What?Copy !req
108. Wow.Copy !req
109. I know, my hair is dark, so I look evil,Copy !req
110. but I'm wearing white, which is ironic.Copy !req
111. That's not why we're surprised.Copy !req
112. Okay, we haven't seen you in two weeks,Copy !req
113. and suddenly you're spinning
around in some big chair?Copy !req
114. Okay, yes, that's also surprising.Copy !req
115. I'm so glad you're all right.Copy !req
116. Paula, Paula, I'm trying to do a thing.Copy !req
117. Oh, sorry, honey. I'm watching.Copy !req
118. Do you want to turn around again?Copy !req
119. - No. Why would I...
- Okay. Okay.Copy !req
120. How long have you been here?Copy !req
121. Oh, since 5:00 a.m.Copy !req
122. I had to get here early
for the big reveal.Copy !req
123. Brought my own chair, hope you like it.
But I'm not tired.Copy !req
124. I've been catnapping.Copy !req
125. So...Copy !req
126. you've all been
wondering where I've been.Copy !req
127. Oh, yes, I saw the
locally trending hashtag.Copy !req
128. Well, the answer isCopy !req
129. I've been going through
a metamorphosis of sorts.Copy !req
130. I have emerged...Copy !req
131. Ooh... from the cocoonCopy !req
132. of female submissionCopy !req
133. as a scorned butterfly, dagger in hand.Copy !req
134. Okay, you know what? Show's over.Copy !req
135. Kids, let's get back to work, hmm?Copy !req
136. Miss Bunch, can I
speak with you, please?Copy !req
137. Um, I'm actually in the next meeting.
I have an alert...Copy !req
138. When will you start acting
like you work for me? Hmm?Copy !req
139. - Go, go, go, let's go.
- Okay, all right, okay.Copy !req
140. Go, go!Copy !req
141. I know that you've had a tough time.Copy !req
142. - Hmm?
- Um, but that doesn't meanCopy !req
143. that you cannot answer callsCopy !req
144. or texts or e-mails.Copy !req
145. Or write a thank-you note for a basketCopy !req
146. of soothing bath salts
and artisanal pearsCopy !req
147. that I might have
dropped off at your door.Copy !req
148. Oh, my God, Nathaniel.Copy !req
149. Did you send me a bunch
of weird, girly crap?Copy !req
150. You were worried about me.Copy !req
151. Oh, boop!Copy !req
152. That's adorable. You're adorable.Copy !req
153. I mean, it's kind of sad and unsexy,Copy !req
154. but you're adorable.Copy !req
155. You are, um...Copy !req
156. very different.Copy !req
157. I am. Oh, I am.Copy !req
158. I am invincible.Copy !req
159. There's a flame burning around me.Copy !req
160. Uh-huh.Copy !req
161. Now, I booked this room
for the next meeting,Copy !req
162. so get out of here.Copy !req
163. Uh, for which case?Copy !req
164. The most important case of my life.Copy !req
165. Now, seriously, get out of here.Copy !req
166. But, um, walk slowly.Copy !req
167. I want to watch those pants move.Copy !req
168. I've never gotten a
Google Cal invite before.Copy !req
169. Where did you get those clothes?Copy !req
170. Off a scarecrow, so... You look nice.Copy !req
171. Thanks. I have a meetingCopy !req
172. with a bride and groom
to plan their wedding.Copy !req
173. They're from Calabasas.
I think they're loaded.Copy !req
174. Cool. I can't wait to hear how
we're gonna get back at Josh.Copy !req
175. Rebecca said she had the perfect plan.Copy !req
176. You know, I was worried about
her, but she looks dynamite,Copy !req
177. and she seems very focused.Copy !req
178. Great. I love drama...Copy !req
179. - Mm.
- Oh!Copy !req
180. Look at you! Someone
call the fire department.Copy !req
181. Get it, girl!Copy !req
182. She fine!Copy !req
183. What else can we say
that we don't usually say?Copy !req
184. Oh. Hello. Hello. Thank
you for meeting me here.Copy !req
185. I'm sure you've been confusedCopy !req
186. about what's happening, so, to recap:Copy !req
187. After the wedding, was
I thrown for a loop? Yes.Copy !req
188. Yes, of course I was.Copy !req
189. Did I question the nature
of not only my own existence,Copy !req
190. but existence itself?Copy !req
191. Yes, of course.Copy !req
192. So? So.Copy !req
193. Mm.Copy !req
194. I went on a retreat,Copy !req
195. and I took some time to blue
sky, workshop, ideate and,Copy !req
196. most importantly,Copy !req
197. transform.Copy !req
198. And I formulated a plan.Copy !req
199. A plan to destroy Josh Chan.Copy !req
200. The Chan Plan, as it were.Copy !req
201. Ooh. Hmm.Copy !req
202. Wow. Right? It's so cool. Okay. So.Copy !req
203. First, I asked myself,Copy !req
204. what type of revenge,Copy !req
205. or as the French say, révenge...Copy !req
206. Actually, the French don't say that,
the word for revenge is vengeance,Copy !req
207. but that sounds like
a cheese or something.Copy !req
208. So anyway, what type of révengeCopy !req
209. are we seeking? And the answer to thatCopy !req
210. is something tactile,
something visceral.Copy !req
211. Something that says "I matter,
and you, Josh Chan, do not."Copy !req
212. And I have just the thing.Copy !req
213. Ooh, this sounds delicious.Copy !req
214. Oh, can you not use
"delicious" in that way?Copy !req
215. It creeps me out; it feels
like someone just licked me.Copy !req
216. Just tell us your idea, I'm so excited.Copy !req
217. My révenge is deceptively
simple and devious.Copy !req
218. It's a tactic that has been
used by victims of injusticeCopy !req
219. throughout human history.Copy !req
220. Mm.Copy !req
221. I'm speaking, of course, of coprophagia.Copy !req
222. It's poop. It's poop stuff.
Yeah.Copy !req
223. - What?
- I'm gonna mail him my poop,Copy !req
224. but tell him it's cupcakes.Copy !req
225. What is that smell?Copy !req
226. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, okay.
So, most protein barsCopy !req
227. are just candy-coated sugar.Copy !req
228. But these bars are different.Copy !req
229. These bars containCopy !req
230. the purest, the most powerful formCopy !req
231. of protein on Earth.Copy !req
232. - Ant protein.
- Is that true?Copy !req
233. I have no idea. But I do knowCopy !req
234. that ants are strong as hell.
Anyway, okay.Copy !req
235. Give it a try. I want your notes,Copy !req
236. I want your honest
opinion. Give it to me.Copy !req
237. Mm.Copy !req
238. - No, I like it.
- Yeah?Copy !req
239. Yeah, I mean, I'm definitely
getting the ants.Copy !req
240. - Okay.
- But I'm also getting caraway.Copy !req
241. - Uh-huh.
- And date.Copy !req
242. - Yeah
- Oh. Holy hell, here comes the cinnamonCopy !req
243. - Mm.
- It's good?Copy !req
244. - Oh, yeah.
- You like it?Copy !req
245. Oh, it's amazing.Copy !req
246. All right. I don't have
a name yet, but I, uh...Copy !req
247. I think after two years, I've
finally nailed the recipe.Copy !req
248. It's amazing. I am
so proud of you, baby.Copy !req
249. You are taking this idea
from conception to birthCopy !req
250. through childhood,Copy !req
251. to a really moving
high school graduation,Copy !req
252. where it makes a speech
about its two cool dads.Copy !req
253. - Are you kidding me?
- What?Copy !req
254. Darryl, there is nothing I can sayCopy !req
255. that you can't turn into
a parenting metaphor.Copy !req
256. I'm sorry, I can't help it.Copy !req
257. It just pops out of me headfirst.Copy !req
258. Oh, my God. Sorry.Copy !req
259. I can't talk about this anymore.Copy !req
260. We have talked birth to death.Copy !req
261. Look, you're right.Copy !req
262. You're right, you're right,
you're right, you're right. Okay?Copy !req
263. Maybe we need help.Copy !req
264. Maybe we need to see a therapist.Copy !req
265. Or, you could, um, just stop it?Copy !req
266. If you don't think that
therapists are "cool,"Copy !req
267. maybe we could do something
a little more current.Copy !req
268. You know? Maybe we could go
see a life coach or a psychic.Copy !req
269. Or an essential oil specialist.Copy !req
270. Okay, none of those are things.Copy !req
271. Tell that to my Reiki practitioner,Copy !req
272. who figured out that I
have a ghost in my foot.Copy !req
273. Okay, Darryl, right now,Copy !req
274. my life is about getting
people to eat these dead ants.Copy !req
275. Once that happens, then maybeCopy !req
276. we can... start talking about
other stuff.Copy !req
277. Don't you ladies get
it? So I'm gonna writeCopy !req
278. on the package,Copy !req
279. "Delicious cupcakes inside,Copy !req
280. do not smell before eating."Copy !req
281. He will be forced to unwittingly eat...Copy !req
282. Okay, you have to, you have to stop.Copy !req
283. You said you had, like, a whole plan.Copy !req
284. Is the poop thing step one?Copy !req
285. Like, he accidentallyCopy !req
286. eats the poop and then takes a step backCopy !req
287. and falls down a flight of stairs,Copy !req
288. and there's a dead body there,
and he thinks he killed it,Copy !req
289. and we plant the evidence.Copy !req
290. That's good. That's very good.Copy !req
291. Yes. Thank you.Copy !req
292. No. You've got... wow, wow, you
guys are way overthinking this.Copy !req
293. Okay, so...Copy !req
294. The root of this ideaCopy !req
295. is I have figurative crap
on my face, and he's crap.Copy !req
296. So he deserves to eat it.Copy !req
297. You mean, like, metaphorically.Copy !req
298. Oh. Yeah.Copy !req
299. No! No. No...Copy !req
300. no, like, literally.Copy !req
301. It's like, "Eat my cupcakes, Josh Chan,Copy !req
302. like the piece of crap you are."Copy !req
303. Y-Yes, right? Yes... do you get...Copy !req
304. do you get it now? Do you get it?Copy !req
305. You know I love that idea.Copy !req
306. I love it.Copy !req
307. But maybe we just, I don't know,Copy !req
308. toss around some other ideas.Copy !req
309. There's got to be something elseCopy !req
310. in that... very big brain of yours.Copy !req
311. Oh, wow, I wasn't prepared with...Copy !req
312. I mean, I have other ideas...
that one's my favorite... but...Copy !req
313. I mean, I don't know if I want to shareCopy !req
314. any more ideas with you guys.Copy !req
315. Like, this doesn't feel
like a safe space anymore.Copy !req
316. It just feels like, you know,Copy !req
317. you haven't even heard my first idea.Copy !req
318. Oh, no, we heard it.Copy !req
319. - But we just didn't like it.
- See? See? You see?Copy !req
320. You're just against anything that I...Copy !req
321. - I-I pitch right now.
- Ooh, okay, okay. No, no, no.Copy !req
322. No. That's... listen,
just tell us your idea,Copy !req
323. and we, we will love it.Copy !req
324. Right?Copy !req
325. We promise.Copy !req
326. Okay. Okay, okay.Copy !req
327. So this next ideaCopy !req
328. is actually better than the first, so:Copy !req
329. it's sexy, it's
dangerous, it's click-bait.Copy !req
330. Ooh.Copy !req
331. Hello, is this Casting Call Magazine?Copy !req
332. Yes, I'd like to place an ad.Copy !req
333. I'm a producer/writer/director.Copy !req
334. And I'm looking to cast someoneCopy !req
335. who looks exactly like my ex-fiancé.Copy !req
336. No, it's not for a TV or film,Copy !req
337. it's for something better.Copy !req
338. Confidentially,Copy !req
339. I'm going to be making a fake sex tapeCopy !req
340. in which my ex-fiancé appears
to be say he hates Jesus,Copy !req
341. ruining his reputationCopy !req
342. and making everyone hate him
because he left me at the altarCopy !req
343. to become a priest.Copy !req
344. Great idea, right?Copy !req
345. Le révenge!Copy !req
346. What does he look like?Copy !req
347. Yes, he is Filipino, about five-eight,Copy !req
348. but I will take any Asian you have.Copy !req
349. So you guys are making a porno?Copy !req
350. No, no. It is a fake sex tape.Copy !req
351. Okay? She's getting a fake Josh,
they're gonna have fake sex,Copy !req
352. and then, he's gonna fakely
say that he hates Jesus.Copy !req
353. Wow. Horrible idea.Copy !req
354. But... how would that even work?Copy !req
355. Uh, it wouldn't, because it
is the worst idea of all time.Copy !req
356. Her other ideas, though,Copy !req
357. they were even worse,
if you could believe it.Copy !req
358. They were literally crap.Copy !req
359. She's not thinking straight.Copy !req
360. So we all decided,Copy !req
361. let's humor her, let her
get it out of her system,Copy !req
362. metabolize these emotions
while yelling at a fake Josh.Copy !req
363. - While she's doing fake Josh?
- No! Oh.Copy !req
364. - No.
- No, it will never get that far.Copy !req
365. Once she realizes how
ridiculous the whole thing is,Copy !req
366. she will not go through with it.Copy !req
367. This will stop well short of any sex,
real or fake.Copy !req
368. Speaking of sex, let's,
uh, strap this thing on, eh?Copy !req
369. I can't waitCopy !req
370. to pass this test.Copy !req
371. Then we're back to
being a real married couple,Copy !req
372. sleeping in the same bed.Copy !req
373. Not so fast, buster.Copy !req
374. The third round is the most intense.Copy !req
375. I call it "The Ring of Fire."Copy !req
376. All right.Copy !req
377. Let's begin.Copy !req
378. Have you seen Tanya since the incident?Copy !req
379. Yes, at work.Copy !req
380. Do you talk to Tanya?Copy !req
381. Occasionally, if the work requires, I...Copy !req
382. - Yes or no?
- The-the answer's yes,Copy !req
383. I have to sometimes.Copy !req
384. When you talk to her,Copy !req
385. do you flirt?Copy !req
386. Do you touch her arm?Copy !req
387. Does she giggle?Copy !req
388. Does she wear that back support
brace that pushes up her boobs?Copy !req
389. Does she shake her tail feather for you?Copy !req
390. - I... I-I...
- Answer the questions, buster.Copy !req
391. The answers are no, no,Copy !req
392. sometimes, but I'm very funny.Copy !req
393. Uh, um, yes, but only
because of her scoliosis,Copy !req
394. and... what's a tail feather?Copy !req
395. Do you find Tanya attractive?Copy !req
396. Um...Copy !req
397. Yes? I guess I do?Copy !req
398. I-I did the thing with her.Copy !req
399. - More attractive than me?
- No.Copy !req
400. - Do you love Tanya?
- No.Copy !req
401. - Are you lying?
- You tell me.Copy !req
402. Well, it looks like...Copy !req
403. you passed.Copy !req
404. Oh, my God.Copy !req
405. Great.Copy !req
406. Uh...Copy !req
407. Can I move my eye mask and
pajama boxers back into the bed?Copy !req
408. That is what the contract
says, so I guess so.Copy !req
409. - And maybe tonight we, uh...
- Oh, my God, look at the time.Copy !req
410. I have auditions for the porno.Copy !req
411. Uh, the-the sex tape.Copy !req
412. The fake sex tape,Copy !req
413. that I... is never gonna happen.Copy !req
414. Okay. Uh...Copy !req
415. Bye!Copy !req
416. Next.Copy !req
417. I hate Jesus!Copy !req
418. No, no, no, you're doing it wrong.Copy !req
419. Okay.Copy !req
420. So the point of this scene,Copy !req
421. the reason I wrote this sex tape,Copy !req
422. is because mid-coitus is when
one's true feelings come out.Copy !req
423. Okay? So we have to believe
that Josh Chan truly hates Jesus,Copy !req
424. and that pure, utter hatred,Copy !req
425. it explodes out of him with
a sexual and euphoric passion.Copy !req
426. All right, no. Next!Copy !req
427. The waters are not for the actors!Copy !req
428. And don't forget to sign the
non-disclosure agreement, okay?Copy !req
429. Can't have that guy blogging about this.Copy !req
430. Come on, Rebecca.Copy !req
431. I mean, maybe if you didn't,
like, yell at all of them.Copy !req
432. Uh, oh, I'm sorry, Heather.Copy !req
433. I'm the one who has to
be in bed with these guys.Copy !req
434. Yeah, and why does it have to be you?Copy !req
435. You don't have any lines.Copy !req
436. Verisimilitude.Copy !req
437. It has to be me to sell the concept.Copy !req
438. - All right, who's this guy?
- Well, this guy did...Copy !req
439. Hello, I'm Colin Crowley.Copy !req
440. Wonderful to meet you.
I'm here for the read.Copy !req
441. Really excited about the material.Copy !req
442. Yeah.Copy !req
443. Wow. He looks just like Josh.Copy !req
444. That could be his brother.Copy !req
445. It's uncanny.Copy !req
446. Okay, um, one second.Copy !req
447. I know what you ladies are thinking,Copy !req
448. but I really would love to
give this role to an American.Copy !req
449. Ooh, um, my American is spot-on.Copy !req
450. Okay.Copy !req
451. One, two, three, four, five, six.Copy !req
452. All right, okay, um...Copy !req
453. You want, eh, Chicago?Copy !req
454. New York? Um, Louisiana?Copy !req
455. Um, Texas?Copy !req
456. Or do you want, um...Copy !req
457. Southern California, dude?Copy !req
458. Wow.Copy !req
459. We have an Olivier here.Copy !req
460. Oh, I booked it, mate. Sorry.Copy !req
461. Cheers, though.Copy !req
462. Okay, we are done with the auditions.Copy !req
463. We found our man.Copy !req
464. Feel free to give up on your dreamsCopy !req
465. and move back to your hometowns.Copy !req
466. Okay.Copy !req
467. - Nathaniel, what are you... ?
- What's going on here?Copy !req
468. Dude, okay, so,Copy !req
469. when are we stopping this charade?Copy !req
470. It's getting so weird.Copy !req
471. I didn't think we were gonnaCopy !req
472. find someone who's, like, a shaveCopy !req
473. and a nose job away from being Josh.Copy !req
474. It's starting to freak me out.Copy !req
475. Yeah, I knew we were gonna wait
for her to come to her senses,Copy !req
476. but can we slap some
sense into her already?Copy !req
477. We need to put a stop to this.Copy !req
478. No, I know it feels like we're
riding the edge of a razor,Copy !req
479. but I'm telling you, as a parent,Copy !req
480. the more you forbid it,
the more they want it,Copy !req
481. so we just got to ride it out. Yeah.Copy !req
482. God.Copy !req
483. What are all these guys doing here?Copy !req
484. I don't know. You have to sign
an NDA before I tell you that.Copy !req
485. What are you doing here?Copy !req
486. Oh, I was just, uh, was just running by,Copy !req
487. and, um, phone died, so, you
know, thought maybe I could,Copy !req
488. uh, come in and juice it up.Copy !req
489. Ugh, "running by"? But
you live across town.Copy !req
490. Wait.Copy !req
491. Wow.Copy !req
492. The old
my-phone-ran-out-of-juice, really?Copy !req
493. Listen, buddy... you're
talking to the queen of,Copy !req
494. "I just happened to be here."Copy !req
495. Okay, I get what's happening.Copy !req
496. Listen, I know we kissed,
and you helped me with my dadCopy !req
497. and you are clearly developingCopy !req
498. some kind of sparkly, little-girl,Copy !req
499. heart, twinkly feelings for me...Copy !req
500. but then I came backCopy !req
501. as this espresso-haired vixenCopy !req
502. and you feel low status,Copy !req
503. which I get. I get it, okay?Copy !req
504. Status reversals, ugh,
they are confusing,Copy !req
505. and arousing and it's probably
never happened to you before,Copy !req
506. so now you are understandably
obsessed with me.Copy !req
507. No, that's not it at all.Copy !req
508. Okay? Not at all.Copy !req
509. - No? Really?
- No.Copy !req
510. You're not mesmerized by
my sudden lack of interestCopy !req
511. and my cold, unavailable vibe?Copy !req
512. No.Copy !req
513. Yeah? Huh, interesting,
'cause your thin shorts say otherwise.Copy !req
514. Oh, listen.Copy !req
515. Listen, buddy.Copy !req
516. I would be happy to take
you for a tumble sometime...Copy !req
517. but right now,Copy !req
518. I'm really distracted
with something else,Copy !req
519. so just move along. Yeah.Copy !req
520. Dude.Copy !req
521. Auditions are over.Copy !req
522. You can take the banana
out of your pants.Copy !req
523. Wheel of Fortune was good tonight.Copy !req
524. Yeah. All the big hitters
were there tonight.Copy !req
525. Ooh. "R."Copy !req
526. - "S."
- Yeah.Copy !req
527. - "T."
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
528. - "E."
- Yeah.Copy !req
529. I'd like to buy a kiss.Copy !req
530. Okay.Copy !req
531. Babe, I've really missed you.Copy !req
532. I missed you, too.Copy !req
533. Scott.Copy !req
534. Paula.Copy !req
535. Mm.Copy !req
536. No, don't call me Paula.Copy !req
537. Call me Tanya.Copy !req
538. - What?
- No, just do it.Copy !req
539. Call me Tanya.Copy !req
540. I have no idea what that wasCopy !req
541. and I never want to discuss it.Copy !req
542. Honk, honk! Honk, honk!Copy !req
543. I don't know what sound anteaters make,Copy !req
544. - but here, have a protein bar.
- Thanks.Copy !req
545. You, sir.Copy !req
546. Here, big fella.Copy !req
547. They're, uh, 52 gramsCopy !req
548. of pure insect power!Copy !req
549. - Aah, wow.
- Huh? Huh?Copy !req
550. This is what you meant when
you texted "surprise time"?Copy !req
551. Yes. Okay, okay.
Here goes.Copy !req
552. You needed a name for your bars,Copy !req
553. so I went to the trademark officeCopy !req
554. and these are the ones that were taken.Copy !req
555. "Ant Time, "Ant Protein Time,
Supergood Insect Protein Time,Copy !req
556. - Supergood Ant Time."
- Okay.Copy !req
557. But then I realized, if you
eat ants, that makes you an...Copy !req
558. - an anteater. Huh?
- Anteater, yeah.Copy !req
559. So, I went with that and thenCopy !req
560. I talked to Manuel who
does graphics for us and...Copy !req
561. - voilà.Copy !req
562. You took my bars out of your fridge?Copy !req
563. You left them there for a reason.Copy !req
564. That's what my dream interpreter said.Copy !req
565. - Oh, my God.
- And by the way,Copy !req
566. I got a totally new guy,
'cause Reiki is baloney.Copy !req
567. So, yes, I took them,
and I did all this,Copy !req
568. and people love them
and now your career is on its way,Copy !req
569. so you can move on to
tinier, cuter things.Copy !req
570. Ah, there it is.Copy !req
571. The baby thing again. God.Copy !req
572. Oh. Well, I'm sorry.Copy !req
573. I mean, I know, I said I was gonna
try harder and I messed up.Copy !req
574. Honk, honk. What can I do?Copy !req
575. Don't do that. Don't do anything.Copy !req
576. Honk?Copy !req
577. Maybe we do need a therapist.Copy !req
578. I'll get one, a real one.Copy !req
579. None of this Reiki nonsense.Copy !req
580. I was scared to death
to have sex with himCopy !req
581. and then that happened.Copy !req
582. Let me get this straight.Copy !req
583. You told Scott to call you Tanya in bed?Copy !req
584. Yeah, it's horrifying.Copy !req
585. But the sex was amazing.
How can that be? I hate Tanya.Copy !req
586. Well, sounds like the only
way you can feel sexy right nowCopy !req
587. is to imitate the female
he chose instead of you.Copy !req
588. Like, you feel insecure,Copy !req
589. so you want to be the
transgressive "harlot"Copy !req
590. he temporarily desired over you.Copy !req
591. Wow. What class did you learn that in?Copy !req
592. Oh, that's just me.Copy !req
593. I'm thinking about becoming a life coach
or maybe a mime.Copy !req
594. I just put body makeup
on a man's butt crack.Copy !req
595. Yeah. He's very sweaty. It took forever.Copy !req
596. He smells like pencil
shavings and vinegar.Copy !req
597. Are we really going through
with this? This feels too far.Copy !req
598. Hold, sister, hold. Stay the course.Copy !req
599. Rebecca is gonna realize
it's the wrong path.Copy !req
600. It's just, it can't come from us.Copy !req
601. Excuse me, is there a
P.A. to fetch me a bagel?Copy !req
602. I'm a bit peckish, eh?Copy !req
603. Oh, come on. Rebecca's gonna come out,Copy !req
604. take one look at that dude
in a towel and freak out.Copy !req
605. All right. I'm ready. Let's do this.Copy !req
606. Okay, so, I tried all the
stuff you gave me, Valencia,Copy !req
607. and it just, it didn't work.Copy !req
608. You know, I tried the
pasties and the bandeau,Copy !req
609. the nude bodysuit, the
green-screen underwear,Copy !req
610. but I just, I can't
feel inhibited right now.Copy !req
611. Okay? If I'm gonna have fake sex
with fake Josh, it has to feel real.Copy !req
612. Wait.Copy !req
613. W-W-Wait,
okay.Copy !req
614. Okay, hear me out.Copy !req
615. If authenticity is what we're going for,Copy !req
616. I mean, shouldn't we
just do it for real?Copy !req
617. Yeah, let's just do it for real.
Um, okay.Copy !req
618. Someone get me a condom.
They are in my dresser.Copy !req
619. Actually, we may not
need to use condoms.Copy !req
620. Paula, look up the statutes for porn in
the state of California for condom use.Copy !req
621. You know what? Let's do one with
a condom, one without a condom,Copy !req
622. - that way we've covered our bases.
- Okay, we're done. We're done.Copy !req
623. - That's a wrap on the fake sex tape.
- What?Copy !req
624. Uh, Rebecca, put some clothes on.Copy !req
625. - Sir...
- Ow, my vagina.Copy !req
626. Sir, I'm gonna call it for today.Copy !req
627. Um, my best to Princess Kate,
the new people's princess.Copy !req
628. Rebecca.Copy !req
629. This is not a good plan!Copy !req
630. Even if you hurt Josh,
you're gonna hurt yourself more.Copy !req
631. You'll be exposing yourself publicly.
You'll be humiliated.Copy !req
632. Why would you put
yourself out like that?Copy !req
633. Because I don't care what happens to me.Copy !req
634. I don't.Copy !req
635. I mean, God, okay, I guess I don't
want to get, like, "in trouble,"Copy !req
636. but also I don't care.Copy !req
637. I don't care.Copy !req
638. And I don't...Copy !req
639. I guess I thought that
if I could be near a Josh,Copy !req
640. just even a fake one,Copy !req
641. that-that-that-that things
would become clear, you know?Copy !req
642. Because I haven't seenCopy !req
643. the real Josh since before
he left me at the altar.Copy !req
644. I haven't seen him or
talked to him and ICopy !req
645. just thought that if
I made the sex tape,Copy !req
646. and maybe he could see the tape,Copy !req
647. and he would know and this was what?Copy !req
648. This was a horrible idea.Copy !req
649. Honey.Copy !req
650. Honey.Copy !req
651. You know that we are all here
to help you take down Josh,Copy !req
652. but we are not gonna help youCopy !req
653. take down yourself at the same time.Copy !req
654. Sorry to interrupt,Copy !req
655. but I never did get my bagel. Also, um,Copy !req
656. if you're interested, I
had a couple of line tweaksCopy !req
657. to make Josh a more
sympathetic character.Copy !req
658. - Oh, hell no.
- This guy.Copy !req
659. - Get out.
- Do you know Josh?Copy !req
660. - Bye.
- I don't think you know Josh.Copy !req
661. - You need new headshots.
- Get your check in the mail.Copy !req
662. Uh, thank you for seeing us on
such short notice, Dr. Akopian.Copy !req
663. Yeah, we've heard wonderful things.Copy !req
664. Oh, thank you.Copy !req
665. You might be thinking of my wife.Copy !req
666. Her Yelp reviews are off the charts.Copy !req
667. Please call me Davit.Copy !req
668. Uh, what can I help you with?Copy !req
669. Well, he's annoyed because
I wore an anteater costume,Copy !req
670. but for a very good reason.Copy !req
671. - I just wanted to help your business.
- That is not why you did it.Copy !req
672. You did it because you're
trying to pressure meCopy !req
673. into having a baby, even though I
don't know if I ever want to do that.Copy !req
674. - So now you hate babies.
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
675. Can we back up? I heard "anteater"?Copy !req
676. That can't be right.Copy !req
677. Exactly. That's exactly my point.Copy !req
678. He takes everything to the extreme.
I didn't say I hate babies.Copy !req
679. You're too emotional, Darryl.
You get so excited about a babyCopy !req
680. or about my ant-based protein bars, and
you go from, like, zero to a thousand.Copy !req
681. - That is not fair.
- It is fair, dude.Copy !req
682. You found out that a distant relativeCopy !req
683. was Native American, and
you had your last nameCopy !req
684. changed to "Whitefeather" the next day.Copy !req
685. And now we have to get to the
airport, like, three hours earlyCopy !req
686. because none of your IDs
match... it's ridiculous.Copy !req
687. First of all, those are my people.
And second of all, that's just who I am,Copy !req
688. enthusiastic, and you
chose me knowing that.Copy !req
689. - I thought you liked it.
- I do like it, but also,Copy !req
690. sometimes it drives me nuts.Copy !req
691. - So you just think I'm an idiot.
- No, I... You're doing it again.Copy !req
692. Well, maybe I am an idiot.Copy !req
693. But you know what?
This idiot, in two days,Copy !req
694. has done more with your ideaCopy !req
695. - than you've done in two years.
- Okay...Copy !req
696. This idiot co-owns a
very successful law firm.Copy !req
697. Okay, successful law firm,
and is a magnificent father.Copy !req
698. Now, look, I know that I got way
out ahead of you with the baby,Copy !req
699. and I'm sorry, and I'll stop it.Copy !req
700. But I'm a catch. Start acting like it.Copy !req
701. You know what?Copy !req
702. You're right.Copy !req
703. I'm sorry. Maybe I have been...Copy !req
704. a little judgy of you.Copy !req
705. Huh. My friends all say I'm judgy,Copy !req
706. but I never listen to
them or care what they sayCopy !req
707. because they're stupid idiots.Copy !req
708. I'm sorry, D.Copy !req
709. Men are the worst, aren't they?Copy !req
710. - Awful.
- So entitled.Copy !req
711. Josh Chan, fake Josh Chan, all of them.Copy !req
712. They always make everything about them.Copy !req
713. That's exactly what I'm saying.Copy !req
714. The reason we're in this situationCopy !req
715. is because men are so terrible.Copy !req
716. Don't get me started on men.Copy !req
717. Don't get me started on men.Copy !req
718. Don't get me started on men.Copy !req
719. - They're horrible.
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
720. - Drink a lot more.
- Yeah.Copy !req
721. - That's what I'm saying.
- Yes.Copy !req
722. All I'm saying...Copy !req
723. Chug, chug, chug, chug...Copy !req
724. And why do men never listen
and only think about themselves?Copy !req
725. - Hey, what about gay men?
- Oh, no, they're fine.Copy !req
726. Wait, I have sons.Copy !req
727. Oh...Copy !req
728. I don't know, it's like the
rational part of my brainCopy !req
729. - isn't working lately.
- You guys are right.Copy !req
730. My ideas have been awful.
And it's weird because,Copy !req
731. you know, I'm usually so brilliant.Copy !req
732. Yeah, yeah, and that
is one of the thingsCopy !req
733. that I am really mad at Josh about.Copy !req
734. He turned the smartest
person I know intoCopy !req
735. a sad, wannabe porn star.Copy !req
736. Brutal, but true.Copy !req
737. Huh, trutal.Copy !req
738. - That's good.
- These are really good.Copy !req
739. Yeah, Josh... Josh is the worstCopy !req
740. You know, I can't even book
another wedding because of him.Copy !req
741. His jilting youCopy !req
742. has completely ruined my business.Copy !req
743. I swear, I should totally
sue his ass or something.Copy !req
744. Sue him, that's funny.Copy !req
745. Wait, no, no, no.Copy !req
746. Sue him.Copy !req
747. That's actually a
really interesting idea.Copy !req
748. There is tons of case law that justifiesCopy !req
749. suing him on behalf of RebeccaCopy !req
750. on, like... on, like, several fronts.Copy !req
751. Breach of contract, alienation
of affection. Financial damages.Copy !req
752. - Whoa, that's such a smart idea, Paula.
- Thank you.Copy !req
753. Actually, it was my idea.Copy !req
754. Oh, my God, it's perfect! It's perfect.Copy !req
755. You get to humiliate Josh publicly,Copy !req
756. you get to maintain your dignity,Copy !req
757. and you become a hero in the process.Copy !req
758. Oh, my God, Cookie, the answer wasCopy !req
759. right under our noses.Copy !req
760. Yeah, God, that's...
that's a great idea.Copy !req
761. I mean, that's hard to argueCopy !req
762. why that isn't the perfect idea.Copy !req
763. - Well... yeah!
- Like, the perfect...Copy !req
764. Oh, feeling my mojo coming back.Copy !req
765. - Yeah, it is.
- Oh, I can feel it.Copy !req
766. That idea is brilliant.Copy !req
767. It's b... it's brilliant. I'm brilliant.Copy !req
768. It's so... You're so smart.Copy !req
769. It was my idea. Can't anyone hear me?Copy !req
770. Why didn't we think of that before?Copy !req
771. You're amazing. One up top.Copy !req
772. Am I dead?Copy !req
773. How did I die?Copy !req
774. Hey. Hey, hey, wake up.Copy !req
775. Wake up, it's me.Copy !req
776. I am so horny.Copy !req
777. Oh, okay.Copy !req
778. Uh, uh, babe?Copy !req
779. I don't want to call
you Tanya this time.Copy !req
780. Oh. Oh, no, no, no.Copy !req
781. That was... that was horrible.
That was so bad.Copy !req
782. Because I don't want Tanya.Copy !req
783. Oh, that's good, though,
'cause I killed her.Copy !req
784. Kidding. I'm kidding.Copy !req
785. No, I'm not.Copy !req
786. Yes, I am. Listen.Copy !req
787. Shh, babe, babe,Copy !req
788. I just came up with the best idea ever.Copy !req
789. I am so cool.Copy !req
790. So, come on, baby...Copy !req
791. call me Paula.Copy !req
792. - Hey.
- Wha...Copy !req
793. Sorry. Um, I will...
think about the baby thing.Copy !req
794. - What? Oh...
- Okay, just wanted to say that.Copy !req
795. So, I'm gonna go. By the way,Copy !req
796. this thing is amazing.Copy !req
797. You were right all along. I
should have never doubted you.Copy !req
798. I've already gotten,
like, 500 pre-orders, so.Copy !req
799. I have some ants to kill.Copy !req
800. Honk, honk.Copy !req
801. Okay, what we have to
show the jury, though,Copy !req
802. is proximate cause, to wit,Copy !req
803. how long in advance did Josh
plan to ruin your wedding?Copy !req
804. Okay, are we talking
specific intent or negligence?Copy !req
805. Speaking of negligence,
I've been meaning to ask you,Copy !req
806. - who's Robert?
- Sorry, who?Copy !req
807. Is that relevant to the case?Copy !req
808. You said his name out loud on the cliff,Copy !req
809. with all those other abandoning turds.Copy !req
810. And, you know, you seemed
really upset about it, and...Copy !req
811. Right, right, so, Robert was my dog.Copy !req
812. And it was a dog I loved,
and he was a male dog.Copy !req
813. And he ran away and
just left me one day.Copy !req
814. They're all monsters.Copy !req
815. - Mm-hmm.
- Hi, are you Rebecca?Copy !req
816. Yeah...Copy !req
817. I'm Nathaniel's date.
He wanted you to see me,Copy !req
818. so, this is what I look like.Copy !req
819. That... that is not what I said, okay?Copy !req
820. I was very specific about what I wantedCopy !req
821. with Casting Call magazine.Copy !req
822. - Can I have a bottle of water?
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
823. Get out.Copy !req
824. - So stupid...
- Come on, come on.Copy !req
825. That's...Copy !req
826. Okay, I don't know what that was...Copy !req
827. I do, but it's... Honestly,
it's so heartbreakingCopy !req
828. I can't... I can't even...Copy !req
829. Anyway, this is so fun.Copy !req
830. You and me, plus the law...
we are unstoppable.Copy !req
831. And this révenge,Copy !req
832. this will actually make
you feel better, I know it.Copy !req
833. Oh, my God, totally.
Like, what could be moreCopy !req
834. emotionally satisfying
than parsing the fine pointsCopy !req
835. - of tortious interference?
- Right?Copy !req
836. And this is gonna make
you feel so much betterCopy !req
837. than pooping in a plastic container.Copy !req
838. - Totally.
- I'm so gladCopy !req
839. you got that out of your system.Copy !req
840. I mean, it was just,
it was so silly and not smart.Copy !req
841. I know, it was just me
being, like, kind of a sad,Copy !req
842. desperate child acting out.Copy !req
843. So, this is way better.Copy !req
844. — Synced and corrected by ChrisKe —
— www.addic7ed.com —Copy !req