1. Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...Copy !req
2. The wedding is in two weeks!Copy !req
3. I had sex with Tanya.Copy !req
4. You don't live here anymore.Copy !req
5. Please give me another chance.Copy !req
6. You need to earn back my trust.Copy !req
7. I'm ready to do the work.Copy !req
8. Oh, watching you and Madison together,Copy !req
9. I had a big breakthrough.Copy !req
10. We should have a baby.Copy !req
11. - We should have sex.
- What?Copy !req
12. I know. I'm shocked, too.Copy !req
13. Rebecca Bunch's past, please.Copy !req
14. Here you go.Copy !req
15. You just called me Robert.Copy !req
16. Being a priest is dope.Copy !req
17. Did Jesus ever give
you any reason to, like,Copy !req
18. - have doubts?
- No.Copy !req
19. I have questions about Rebecca,Copy !req
20. and I don't know if
they're real questionsCopy !req
21. or if I have the jitters.Copy !req
22. So find Rebecca.Copy !req
23. Ask her your questions.Copy !req
24. And Eagle is gone.Copy !req
25. Josh is leaving meCopy !req
26. to become a priest?Copy !req
27. Rebecca! Stop!Copy !req
28. Josh Chan must be destroyed.Copy !req
29. - Anything?
- Maya!Copy !req
30. Don't yell at me.Copy !req
31. I haven't asked about her today yet.Copy !req
32. Read the sign with me, Maya.Copy !req
33. "I don't know where Rebecca is.Copy !req
34. "Stop asking me.Copy !req
35. "After we agreed to destroy Josh Chan,Copy !req
36. "Rebecca excused herself to peeCopy !req
37. "and I haven't heard from her since.Copy !req
38. "I do know she's aliveCopy !req
39. "because she liked my
Ice Bucket Challenge videoCopy !req
40. from three years ago."Copy !req
41. I know, but, Paula,
that sign really skimpsCopy !req
42. on her interiority.Copy !req
43. And we all have so many questions.Copy !req
44. It's been two weeks.Copy !req
45. Was there somebody else?Copy !req
46. Is Josh really becoming a priest?Copy !req
47. Why didn't that bitch
invite me to the wedding?Copy !req
48. Enough! I wish I had
answers, but I don't!Copy !req
49. I don't know where she is!Copy !req
50. Go!Copy !req
51. Get... Go!Copy !req
52. You're fired again, George.Copy !req
53. Aw, son of a...Copy !req
54. I have a hunch!Copy !req
55. Yeah?Copy !req
56. No, I just liked the rhyme.Copy !req
57. No!Copy !req
58. So, no word from Rebecca yet?Copy !req
59. No. I-I think she needs
just a couple of daysCopy !req
60. to process everything.Copy !req
61. Poor thing, she has
been through so much.Copy !req
62. Love has not been kind to her.Copy !req
63. Yeah, not everyone can
be as lucky as we are.Copy !req
64. We're getting a second chanceCopy !req
65. after my... horrible mistake, thank God.Copy !req
66. Yeah, we are. And I have to thank you.Copy !req
67. You've been just so greatCopy !req
68. about all these rules
and... Oh, by the way,Copy !req
69. did you remember to sign in last night?Copy !req
70. Because I was so busy I forgot to check.Copy !req
71. Come on. Of course I did.Copy !req
72. - I want to restore our marital trust.Copy !req
73. Ooh, who signed in early
every day this week?Copy !req
74. Good job.Copy !req
75. Thanks. I'm excited
about this rule here.Copy !req
76. "Scott sleeps on the
couch until he passesCopy !req
77. the lie-detector test three times."Copy !req
78. I've only got one test left,Copy !req
79. and back in the bed.Copy !req
80. Yep. Uh-huh.Copy !req
81. Yep. But, you know what?
First you have to pass it.Copy !req
82. And the questions are, like, no jokeCopy !req
83. on the last test... just a heads-up.Copy !req
84. - I'm ready.
- Okay, I am just...Copy !req
85. I'm just checking.Copy !req
86. You're-you're okay, you're
fine with all this, right?Copy !req
87. - Are you kidding? Yes.
- Right.Copy !req
88. Our plan gets rid of all the guilt.Copy !req
89. It spells it all out. No confusion.Copy !req
90. I'm so confused.Copy !req
91. Who called this meeting again?Copy !req
92. I don't know, I just got an anonymousCopy !req
93. Google Calendar invite.Copy !req
94. Okay, who is wasting my
time with a stupid meeting?Copy !req
95. Hmm? And what was up
with the subject line...Copy !req
96. "Insidious Business"?Copy !req
97. - Is this you, Darryl?
- Hmm?Copy !req
98. It makes so little sense,
it seems like a you thing.Copy !req
99. - Does it?
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
100. I have a "me" thing?Copy !req
101. What are some of my other "me" things?Copy !req
102. Asking a lot of questions,
is that a "me" thing?Copy !req
103. Wait, so nobody knows what this is?Copy !req
104. - Mm-mm.
- Yeah, okay, I'm out of here.Copy !req
105. Not so fast, mama.Copy !req
106. What?Copy !req
107. Wow.Copy !req
108. I know, my hair is dark, so I look evil,Copy !req
109. but I'm wearing white, which is ironic.Copy !req
110. That's not why we're surprised.Copy !req
111. Okay, we haven't seen you in two weeks,Copy !req
112. and suddenly you're spinning
around in some big chair?Copy !req
113. Okay, yes, that's also surprising.Copy !req
114. I'm so glad you're all right.Copy !req
115. Paula, Paula, I'm trying to do a thing.Copy !req
116. Oh, sorry, honey. I'm watching.Copy !req
117. Do you want to turn around again?Copy !req
118. - No. Why would I...
- Okay. Okay.Copy !req
119. How long have you been here?Copy !req
120. Oh, since 5:00 a.m.Copy !req
121. I had to get here early
for the big reveal.Copy !req
122. Brought my own chair, hope you like it.
But I'm not tired.Copy !req
123. I've been catnapping.Copy !req
124. So...Copy !req
125. you've all been
wondering where I've been.Copy !req
126. Oh, yes, I saw the
locally trending hashtag.Copy !req
127. Well, the answer isCopy !req
128. I've been going through
a metamorphosis of sorts.Copy !req
129. I have emerged...Copy !req
130. Ooh... from the cocoonCopy !req
131. of female submissionCopy !req
132. as a scorned butterfly, dagger in hand.Copy !req
133. Okay, you know what? Show's over.Copy !req
134. Kids, let's get back to work, hmm?Copy !req
135. Miss Bunch, can I
speak with you, please?Copy !req
136. Um, I'm actually in the next meeting.
I have an alert...Copy !req
137. When will you start acting
like you work for me? Hmm?Copy !req
138. - Go, go, go, let's go.
- Okay, all right, okay.Copy !req
139. Go, go!Copy !req
140. I know that you've had a tough time.Copy !req
141. - Hmm?
- Um, but that doesn't meanCopy !req
142. that you cannot answer callsCopy !req
143. or texts or e-mails.Copy !req
144. Or write a thank-you note for a basketCopy !req
145. of soothing bath salts
and artisanal pearsCopy !req
146. that I might have
dropped off at your door.Copy !req
147. Oh, my God, Nathaniel.Copy !req
148. Did you send me a bunch
of weird, girly crap?Copy !req
149. You were worried about me.Copy !req
150. Oh, boop!Copy !req
151. That's adorable. You're adorable.Copy !req
152. I mean, it's kind of sad and unsexy,Copy !req
153. but you're adorable.Copy !req
154. You are, um...Copy !req
155. very different.Copy !req
156. I am. Oh, I am.Copy !req
157. I am invincible.Copy !req
158. There's a flame burning around me.Copy !req
159. Uh-huh.Copy !req
160. Now, I booked this room
for the next meeting,Copy !req
161. so get out of here.Copy !req
162. Uh, for which case?Copy !req
163. The most important case of my life.Copy !req
164. Now, seriously, get out of here.Copy !req
165. But, um, walk slowly.Copy !req
166. I want to watch those pants move.Copy !req
167. I've never gotten a
Google Cal invite before.Copy !req
168. Where did you get those clothes?Copy !req
169. Off a scarecrow, so... You look nice.Copy !req
170. Thanks. I have a meetingCopy !req
171. with a bride and groom
to plan their wedding.Copy !req
172. They're from Calabasas.
I think they're loaded.Copy !req
173. Cool. I can't wait to hear how
we're gonna get back at Josh.Copy !req
174. Rebecca said she had the perfect plan.Copy !req
175. You know, I was worried about
her, but she looks dynamite,Copy !req
176. and she seems very focused.Copy !req
177. Great. I love drama...Copy !req
178. - Mm.
- Oh!Copy !req
179. Look at you! Someone
call the fire department.Copy !req
180. Get it, girl!Copy !req
181. She fine!Copy !req
182. What else can we say
that we don't usually say?Copy !req
183. Oh. Hello. Hello. Thank
you for meeting me here.Copy !req
184. I'm sure you've been confusedCopy !req
185. about what's happening, so, to recap:Copy !req
186. After the wedding, was
I thrown for a loop? Yes.Copy !req
187. Yes, of course I was.Copy !req
188. Did I question the nature
of not only my own existence,Copy !req
189. but existence itself?Copy !req
190. Yes, of course.Copy !req
191. So? So.Copy !req
192. Mm.Copy !req
193. I went on a retreat,Copy !req
194. and I took some time to blue
sky, workshop, ideate and,Copy !req
195. most importantly,Copy !req
196. transform.Copy !req
197. And I formulated a plan.Copy !req
198. A plan to destroy Josh Chan.Copy !req
199. The Chan Plan, as it were.Copy !req
200. Ooh. Hmm.Copy !req
201. Wow. Right? It's so cool. Okay. So.Copy !req
202. First, I asked myself,Copy !req
203. what type of revenge,Copy !req
204. or as the French say, révenge...Copy !req
205. Actually, the French don't say that,
the word for revenge is vengeance,Copy !req
206. but that sounds like
a cheese or something.Copy !req
207. So anyway, what type of révengeCopy !req
208. are we seeking? And the answer to thatCopy !req
209. is something tactile,
something visceral.Copy !req
210. Something that says "I matter,
and you, Josh Chan, do not."Copy !req
211. And I have just the thing.Copy !req
212. Ooh, this sounds delicious.Copy !req
213. Oh, can you not use
"delicious" in that way?Copy !req
214. It creeps me out; it feels
like someone just licked me.Copy !req
215. Just tell us your idea, I'm so excited.Copy !req
216. My révenge is deceptively
simple and devious.Copy !req
217. It's a tactic that has been
used by victims of injusticeCopy !req
218. throughout human history.Copy !req
219. Mm.Copy !req
220. I'm speaking, of course, of coprophagia.Copy !req
221. It's poop. It's poop stuff.
Yeah.Copy !req
222. - What?
- I'm gonna mail him my poop,Copy !req
223. but tell him it's cupcakes.Copy !req
224. What is that smell?Copy !req
225. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, okay.
So, most protein barsCopy !req
226. are just candy-coated sugar.Copy !req
227. But these bars are different.Copy !req
228. These bars containCopy !req
229. the purest, the most powerful formCopy !req
230. of protein on Earth.Copy !req
231. - Ant protein.
- Is that true?Copy !req
232. I have no idea. But I do knowCopy !req
233. that ants are strong as hell.
Anyway, okay.Copy !req
234. Give it a try. I want your notes,Copy !req
235. I want your honest
opinion. Give it to me.Copy !req
236. Mm.Copy !req
237. - No, I like it.
- Yeah?Copy !req
238. Yeah, I mean, I'm definitely
getting the ants.Copy !req
239. - Okay.
- But I'm also getting caraway.Copy !req
240. - Uh-huh.
- And date.Copy !req
241. - Yeah
- Oh. Holy hell, here comes the cinnamonCopy !req
242. - Mm.
- It's good?Copy !req
243. - Oh, yeah.
- You like it?Copy !req
244. Oh, it's amazing.Copy !req
245. All right. I don't have
a name yet, but I, uh...Copy !req
246. I think after two years, I've
finally nailed the recipe.Copy !req
247. It's amazing. I am
so proud of you, baby.Copy !req
248. You are taking this idea
from conception to birthCopy !req
249. through childhood,Copy !req
250. to a really moving
high school graduation,Copy !req
251. where it makes a speech
about its two cool dads.Copy !req
252. - Are you kidding me?
- What?Copy !req
253. Darryl, there is nothing I can sayCopy !req
254. that you can't turn into
a parenting metaphor.Copy !req
255. I'm sorry, I can't help it.Copy !req
256. It just pops out of me headfirst.Copy !req
257. Oh, my God. Sorry.Copy !req
258. I can't talk about this anymore.Copy !req
259. We have talked birth to death.Copy !req
260. Look, you're right.Copy !req
261. You're right, you're right,
you're right, you're right. Okay?Copy !req
262. Maybe we need help.Copy !req
263. Maybe we need to see a therapist.Copy !req
264. Or, you could, um, just stop it?Copy !req
265. If you don't think that
therapists are "cool,"Copy !req
266. maybe we could do something
a little more current.Copy !req
267. You know? Maybe we could go
see a life coach or a psychic.Copy !req
268. Or an essential oil specialist.Copy !req
269. Okay, none of those are things.Copy !req
270. Tell that to my Reiki practitioner,Copy !req
271. who figured out that I
have a ghost in my foot.Copy !req
272. Okay, Darryl, right now,Copy !req
273. my life is about getting
people to eat these dead ants.Copy !req
274. Once that happens, then maybeCopy !req
275. we can... start talking about
other stuff.Copy !req
276. Don't you ladies get
it? So I'm gonna writeCopy !req
277. on the package,Copy !req
278. "Delicious cupcakes inside,Copy !req
279. do not smell before eating."Copy !req
280. He will be forced to unwittingly eat...Copy !req
281. Okay, you have to, you have to stop.Copy !req
282. You said you had, like, a whole plan.Copy !req
283. Is the poop thing step one?Copy !req
284. Like, he accidentallyCopy !req
285. eats the poop and then takes a step backCopy !req
286. and falls down a flight of stairs,Copy !req
287. and there's a dead body there,
and he thinks he killed it,Copy !req
288. and we plant the evidence.Copy !req
289. That's good. That's very good.Copy !req
290. Yes. Thank you.Copy !req
291. No. You've got... wow, wow, you
guys are way overthinking this.Copy !req
292. Okay, so...Copy !req
293. The root of this ideaCopy !req
294. is I have figurative crap
on my face, and he's crap.Copy !req
295. So he deserves to eat it.Copy !req
296. You mean, like, metaphorically.Copy !req
297. Oh. Yeah.Copy !req
298. No! No. No...Copy !req
299. no, like, literally.Copy !req
300. It's like, "Eat my cupcakes, Josh Chan,Copy !req
301. like the piece of crap you are."Copy !req
302. Y-Yes, right? Yes... do you get...Copy !req
303. do you get it now? Do you get it?Copy !req
304. You know I love that idea.Copy !req
305. I love it.Copy !req
306. But maybe we just, I don't know,Copy !req
307. toss around some other ideas.Copy !req
308. There's got to be something elseCopy !req
309. in that... very big brain of yours.Copy !req
310. Oh, wow, I wasn't prepared with...Copy !req
311. I mean, I have other ideas...
that one's my favorite... but...Copy !req
312. I mean, I don't know if I want to shareCopy !req
313. any more ideas with you guys.Copy !req
314. Like, this doesn't feel
like a safe space anymore.Copy !req
315. It just feels like, you know,Copy !req
316. you haven't even heard my first idea.Copy !req
317. Oh, no, we heard it.Copy !req
318. - But we just didn't like it.
- See? See? You see?Copy !req
319. You're just against anything that I...Copy !req
320. - I-I pitch right now.
- Ooh, okay, okay. No, no, no.Copy !req
321. No. That's... listen,
just tell us your idea,Copy !req
322. and we, we will love it.Copy !req
323. Right?Copy !req
324. We promise.Copy !req
325. Okay. Okay, okay.Copy !req
326. So this next ideaCopy !req
327. is actually better than the first, so:Copy !req
328. it's sexy, it's
dangerous, it's click-bait.Copy !req
329. Ooh.Copy !req
330. Hello, is this Casting Call Magazine?Copy !req
331. Yes, I'd like to place an ad.Copy !req
332. I'm a producer/writer/director.Copy !req
333. And I'm looking to cast someoneCopy !req
334. who looks exactly like my ex-fiancé.Copy !req
335. No, it's not for a TV or film,Copy !req
336. it's for something better.Copy !req
337. Confidentially,Copy !req
338. I'm going to be making a fake sex tapeCopy !req
339. in which my ex-fiancé appears
to be say he hates Jesus,Copy !req
340. ruining his reputationCopy !req
341. and making everyone hate him
because he left me at the altarCopy !req
342. to become a priest.Copy !req
343. Great idea, right?Copy !req
344. Le révenge!Copy !req
345. What does he look like?Copy !req
346. Yes, he is Filipino, about five-eight,Copy !req
347. but I will take any Asian you have.Copy !req
348. So you guys are making a porno?Copy !req
349. No, no. It is a fake sex tape.Copy !req
350. Okay? She's getting a fake Josh,
they're gonna have fake sex,Copy !req
351. and then, he's gonna fakely
say that he hates Jesus.Copy !req
352. Wow. Horrible idea.Copy !req
353. But... how would that even work?Copy !req
354. Uh, it wouldn't, because it
is the worst idea of all time.Copy !req
355. Her other ideas, though,Copy !req
356. they were even worse,
if you could believe it.Copy !req
357. They were literally crap.Copy !req
358. She's not thinking straight.Copy !req
359. So we all decided,Copy !req
360. let's humor her, let her
get it out of her system,Copy !req
361. metabolize these emotions
while yelling at a fake Josh.Copy !req
362. - While she's doing fake Josh?
- No! Oh.Copy !req
363. - No.
- No, it will never get that far.Copy !req
364. Once she realizes how
ridiculous the whole thing is,Copy !req
365. she will not go through with it.Copy !req
366. This will stop well short of any sex,
real or fake.Copy !req
367. Speaking of sex, let's,
uh, strap this thing on, eh?Copy !req
368. I can't waitCopy !req
369. to pass this test.Copy !req
370. Then we're back to
being a real married couple,Copy !req
371. sleeping in the same bed.Copy !req
372. Not so fast, buster.Copy !req
373. The third round is the most intense.Copy !req
374. I call it "The Ring of Fire."Copy !req
375. All right.Copy !req
376. Let's begin.Copy !req
377. Have you seen Tanya since the incident?Copy !req
378. Yes, at work.Copy !req
379. Do you talk to Tanya?Copy !req
380. Occasionally, if the work requires, I...Copy !req
381. - Yes or no?
- The-the answer's yes,Copy !req
382. I have to sometimes.Copy !req
383. When you talk to her,Copy !req
384. do you flirt?Copy !req
385. Do you touch her arm?Copy !req
386. Does she giggle?Copy !req
387. Does she wear that back support
brace that pushes up her boobs?Copy !req
388. Does she shake her tail feather for you?Copy !req
389. - I... I-I...
- Answer the questions, buster.Copy !req
390. The answers are no, no,Copy !req
391. sometimes, but I'm very funny.Copy !req
392. Uh, um, yes, but only
because of her scoliosis,Copy !req
393. and... what's a tail feather?Copy !req
394. Do you find Tanya attractive?Copy !req
395. Um...Copy !req
396. Yes? I guess I do?Copy !req
397. I-I did the thing with her.Copy !req
398. - More attractive than me?
- No.Copy !req
399. - Do you love Tanya?
- No.Copy !req
400. - Are you lying?
- You tell me.Copy !req
401. Well, it looks like...Copy !req
402. you passed.Copy !req
403. Oh, my God.Copy !req
404. Great.Copy !req
405. Uh...Copy !req
406. Can I move my eye mask and
pajama boxers back into the bed?Copy !req
407. That is what the contract
says, so I guess so.Copy !req
408. - And maybe tonight we, uh...
- Oh, my God, look at the time.Copy !req
409. I have auditions for the porno.Copy !req
410. Uh, the-the sex tape.Copy !req
411. The fake sex tape,Copy !req
412. that I... is never gonna happen.Copy !req
413. Okay. Uh...Copy !req
414. Bye!Copy !req
415. Next.Copy !req
416. I hate Jesus!Copy !req
417. No, no, no, you're doing it wrong.Copy !req
418. Okay.Copy !req
419. So the point of this scene,Copy !req
420. the reason I wrote this sex tape,Copy !req
421. is because mid-coitus is when
one's true feelings come out.Copy !req
422. Okay? So we have to believe
that Josh Chan truly hates Jesus,Copy !req
423. and that pure, utter hatred,Copy !req
424. it explodes out of him with
a sexual and euphoric passion.Copy !req
425. All right, no. Next!Copy !req
426. The waters are not for the actors!Copy !req
427. And don't forget to sign the
non-disclosure agreement, okay?Copy !req
428. Can't have that guy blogging about this.Copy !req
429. Come on, Rebecca.Copy !req
430. I mean, maybe if you didn't,
like, yell at all of them.Copy !req
431. Uh, oh, I'm sorry, Heather.Copy !req
432. I'm the one who has to
be in bed with these guys.Copy !req
433. Yeah, and why does it have to be you?Copy !req
434. You don't have any lines.Copy !req
435. Verisimilitude.Copy !req
436. It has to be me to sell the concept.Copy !req
437. - All right, who's this guy?
- Well, this guy did...Copy !req
438. Hello, I'm Colin Crowley.Copy !req
439. Wonderful to meet you.
I'm here for the read.Copy !req
440. Really excited about the material.Copy !req
441. Yeah.Copy !req
442. Wow. He looks just like Josh.Copy !req
443. That could be his brother.Copy !req
444. It's uncanny.Copy !req
445. Okay, um, one second.Copy !req
446. I know what you ladies are thinking,Copy !req
447. but I really would love to
give this role to an American.Copy !req
448. Ooh, um, my American is spot-on.Copy !req
449. Okay.Copy !req
450. One, two, three, four, five, six.Copy !req
451. All right, okay, um...Copy !req
452. You want, eh, Chicago?Copy !req
453. New York? Um, Louisiana?Copy !req
454. Um, Texas?Copy !req
455. Or do you want, um...Copy !req
456. Southern California, dude?Copy !req
457. Wow.Copy !req
458. We have an Olivier here.Copy !req
459. Oh, I booked it, mate. Sorry.Copy !req
460. Cheers, though.Copy !req
461. Okay, we are done with the auditions.Copy !req
462. We found our man.Copy !req
463. Feel free to give up on your dreamsCopy !req
464. and move back to your hometowns.Copy !req
465. Okay.Copy !req
466. - Nathaniel, what are you... ?
- What's going on here?Copy !req
467. Dude, okay, so,Copy !req
468. when are we stopping this charade?Copy !req
469. It's getting so weird.Copy !req
470. I didn't think we were gonnaCopy !req
471. find someone who's, like, a shaveCopy !req
472. and a nose job away from being Josh.Copy !req
473. It's starting to freak me out.Copy !req
474. Yeah, I knew we were gonna wait
for her to come to her senses,Copy !req
475. but can we slap some
sense into her already?Copy !req
476. We need to put a stop to this.Copy !req
477. No, I know it feels like we're
riding the edge of a razor,Copy !req
478. but I'm telling you, as a parent,Copy !req
479. the more you forbid it,
the more they want it,Copy !req
480. so we just got to ride it out. Yeah.Copy !req
481. God.Copy !req
482. What are all these guys doing here?Copy !req
483. I don't know. You have to sign
an NDA before I tell you that.Copy !req
484. What are you doing here?Copy !req
485. Oh, I was just, uh, was just running by,Copy !req
486. and, um, phone died, so, you
know, thought maybe I could,Copy !req
487. uh, come in and juice it up.Copy !req
488. Ugh, "running by"? But
you live across town.Copy !req
489. Wait.Copy !req
490. Wow.Copy !req
491. The old
my-phone-ran-out-of-juice, really?Copy !req
492. Listen, buddy... you're
talking to the queen of,Copy !req
493. "I just happened to be here."Copy !req
494. Okay, I get what's happening.Copy !req
495. Listen, I know we kissed,
and you helped me with my dadCopy !req
496. and you are clearly developingCopy !req
497. some kind of sparkly, little-girl,Copy !req
498. heart, twinkly feelings for me...Copy !req
499. but then I came backCopy !req
500. as this espresso-haired vixenCopy !req
501. and you feel low status,Copy !req
502. which I get. I get it, okay?Copy !req
503. Status reversals, ugh,
they are confusing,Copy !req
504. and arousing and it's probably
never happened to you before,Copy !req
505. so now you are understandably
obsessed with me.Copy !req
506. No, that's not it at all.Copy !req
507. Okay? Not at all.Copy !req
508. - No? Really?
- No.Copy !req
509. You're not mesmerized by
my sudden lack of interestCopy !req
510. and my cold, unavailable vibe?Copy !req
511. No.Copy !req
512. Yeah? Huh, interesting,
'cause your thin shorts say otherwise.Copy !req
513. Oh, listen.Copy !req
514. Listen, buddy.Copy !req
515. I would be happy to take
you for a tumble sometime...Copy !req
516. but right now,Copy !req
517. I'm really distracted
with something else,Copy !req
518. so just move along. Yeah.Copy !req
519. Dude.Copy !req
520. Auditions are over.Copy !req
521. You can take the banana
out of your pants.Copy !req
522. Wheel of Fortune was good tonight.Copy !req
523. Yeah. All the big hitters
were there tonight.Copy !req
524. Ooh. "R."Copy !req
525. - "S."
- Yeah.Copy !req
526. - "T."
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
527. - "E."
- Yeah.Copy !req
528. I'd like to buy a kiss.Copy !req
529. Okay.Copy !req
530. Babe, I've really missed you.Copy !req
531. I missed you, too.Copy !req
532. Scott.Copy !req
533. Paula.Copy !req
534. Mm.Copy !req
535. No, don't call me Paula.Copy !req
536. Call me Tanya.Copy !req
537. - What?
- No, just do it.Copy !req
538. Call me Tanya.Copy !req
539. I have no idea what that wasCopy !req
540. and I never want to discuss it.Copy !req
541. Honk, honk! Honk, honk!Copy !req
542. I don't know what sound anteaters make,Copy !req
543. - but here, have a protein bar.
- Thanks.Copy !req
544. You, sir.Copy !req
545. Here, big fella.Copy !req
546. They're, uh, 52 gramsCopy !req
547. of pure insect power!Copy !req
548. - Aah, wow.
- Huh? Huh?Copy !req
549. This is what you meant when
you texted "surprise time"?Copy !req
550. Yes. Okay, okay.
Here goes.Copy !req
551. You needed a name for your bars,Copy !req
552. so I went to the trademark officeCopy !req
553. and these are the ones that were taken.Copy !req
554. "Ant Time, "Ant Protein Time,
Supergood Insect Protein Time,Copy !req
555. - Supergood Ant Time."
- Okay.Copy !req
556. But then I realized, if you
eat ants, that makes you an...Copy !req
557. - an anteater. Huh?
- Anteater, yeah.Copy !req
558. So, I went with that and thenCopy !req
559. I talked to Manuel who
does graphics for us and...Copy !req
560. - voilà.Copy !req
561. You took my bars out of your fridge?Copy !req
562. You left them there for a reason.Copy !req
563. That's what my dream interpreter said.Copy !req
564. - Oh, my God.
- And by the way,Copy !req
565. I got a totally new guy,
'cause Reiki is baloney.Copy !req
566. So, yes, I took them,
and I did all this,Copy !req
567. and people love them
and now your career is on its way,Copy !req
568. so you can move on to
tinier, cuter things.Copy !req
569. Ah, there it is.Copy !req
570. The baby thing again. God.Copy !req
571. Oh. Well, I'm sorry.Copy !req
572. I mean, I know, I said I was gonna
try harder and I messed up.Copy !req
573. Honk, honk. What can I do?Copy !req
574. Don't do that. Don't do anything.Copy !req
575. Honk?Copy !req
576. Maybe we do need a therapist.Copy !req
577. I'll get one, a real one.Copy !req
578. None of this Reiki nonsense.Copy !req
579. I was scared to death
to have sex with himCopy !req
580. and then that happened.Copy !req
581. Let me get this straight.Copy !req
582. You told Scott to call you Tanya in bed?Copy !req
583. Yeah, it's horrifying.Copy !req
584. But the sex was amazing.
How can that be? I hate Tanya.Copy !req
585. Well, sounds like the only
way you can feel sexy right nowCopy !req
586. is to imitate the female
he chose instead of you.Copy !req
587. Like, you feel insecure,Copy !req
588. so you want to be the
transgressive "harlot"Copy !req
589. he temporarily desired over you.Copy !req
590. Wow. What class did you learn that in?Copy !req
591. Oh, that's just me.Copy !req
592. I'm thinking about becoming a life coach
or maybe a mime.Copy !req
593. I just put body makeup
on a man's butt crack.Copy !req
594. Yeah. He's very sweaty. It took forever.Copy !req
595. He smells like pencil
shavings and vinegar.Copy !req
596. Are we really going through
with this? This feels too far.Copy !req
597. Hold, sister, hold. Stay the course.Copy !req
598. Rebecca is gonna realize
it's the wrong path.Copy !req
599. It's just, it can't come from us.Copy !req
600. Excuse me, is there a
P.A. to fetch me a bagel?Copy !req
601. I'm a bit peckish, eh?Copy !req
602. Oh, come on. Rebecca's gonna come out,Copy !req
603. take one look at that dude
in a towel and freak out.Copy !req
604. All right. I'm ready. Let's do this.Copy !req
605. Okay, so, I tried all the
stuff you gave me, Valencia,Copy !req
606. and it just, it didn't work.Copy !req
607. You know, I tried the
pasties and the bandeau,Copy !req
608. the nude bodysuit, the
green-screen underwear,Copy !req
609. but I just, I can't
feel inhibited right now.Copy !req
610. Okay? If I'm gonna have fake sex
with fake Josh, it has to feel real.Copy !req
611. Wait.Copy !req
612. W-W-Wait,
okay.Copy !req
613. Okay, hear me out.Copy !req
614. If authenticity is what we're going for,Copy !req
615. I mean, shouldn't we
just do it for real?Copy !req
616. Yeah, let's just do it for real.
Um, okay.Copy !req
617. Someone get me a condom.
They are in my dresser.Copy !req
618. Actually, we may not
need to use condoms.Copy !req
619. Paula, look up the statutes for porn in
the state of California for condom use.Copy !req
620. You know what? Let's do one with
a condom, one without a condom,Copy !req
621. - that way we've covered our bases.
- Okay, we're done. We're done.Copy !req
622. - That's a wrap on the fake sex tape.
- What?Copy !req
623. Uh, Rebecca, put some clothes on.Copy !req
624. - Sir...
- Ow, my vagina.Copy !req
625. Sir, I'm gonna call it for today.Copy !req
626. Um, my best to Princess Kate,
the new people's princess.Copy !req
627. Rebecca.Copy !req
628. This is not a good plan!Copy !req
629. Even if you hurt Josh,
you're gonna hurt yourself more.Copy !req
630. You'll be exposing yourself publicly.
You'll be humiliated.Copy !req
631. Why would you put
yourself out like that?Copy !req
632. Because I don't care what happens to me.Copy !req
633. I don't.Copy !req
634. I mean, God, okay, I guess I don't
want to get, like, "in trouble,"Copy !req
635. but also I don't care.Copy !req
636. I don't care.Copy !req
637. And I don't...Copy !req
638. I guess I thought that
if I could be near a Josh,Copy !req
639. just even a fake one,Copy !req
640. that-that-that-that things
would become clear, you know?Copy !req
641. Because I haven't seenCopy !req
642. the real Josh since before
he left me at the altar.Copy !req
643. I haven't seen him or
talked to him and ICopy !req
644. just thought that if
I made the sex tape,Copy !req
645. and maybe he could see the tape,Copy !req
646. and he would know and this was what?Copy !req
647. This was a horrible idea.Copy !req
648. Honey.Copy !req
649. Honey.Copy !req
650. You know that we are all here
to help you take down Josh,Copy !req
651. but we are not gonna help youCopy !req
652. take down yourself at the same time.Copy !req
653. Sorry to interrupt,Copy !req
654. but I never did get my bagel. Also, um,Copy !req
655. if you're interested, I
had a couple of line tweaksCopy !req
656. to make Josh a more
sympathetic character.Copy !req
657. - Oh, hell no.
- This guy.Copy !req
658. - Get out.
- Do you know Josh?Copy !req
659. - Bye.
- I don't think you know Josh.Copy !req
660. - You need new headshots.
- Get your check in the mail.Copy !req
661. Uh, thank you for seeing us on
such short notice, Dr. Akopian.Copy !req
662. Yeah, we've heard wonderful things.Copy !req
663. Oh, thank you.Copy !req
664. You might be thinking of my wife.Copy !req
665. Her Yelp reviews are off the charts.Copy !req
666. Please call me Davit.Copy !req
667. Uh, what can I help you with?Copy !req
668. Well, he's annoyed because
I wore an anteater costume,Copy !req
669. but for a very good reason.Copy !req
670. - I just wanted to help your business.
- That is not why you did it.Copy !req
671. You did it because you're
trying to pressure meCopy !req
672. into having a baby, even though I
don't know if I ever want to do that.Copy !req
673. - So now you hate babies.
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
674. Can we back up? I heard "anteater"?Copy !req
675. That can't be right.Copy !req
676. Exactly. That's exactly my point.Copy !req
677. He takes everything to the extreme.
I didn't say I hate babies.Copy !req
678. You're too emotional, Darryl.
You get so excited about a babyCopy !req
679. or about my ant-based protein bars, and
you go from, like, zero to a thousand.Copy !req
680. - That is not fair.
- It is fair, dude.Copy !req
681. You found out that a distant relativeCopy !req
682. was Native American, and
you had your last nameCopy !req
683. changed to "Whitefeather" the next day.Copy !req
684. And now we have to get to the
airport, like, three hours earlyCopy !req
685. because none of your IDs
match... it's ridiculous.Copy !req
686. First of all, those are my people.
And second of all, that's just who I am,Copy !req
687. enthusiastic, and you
chose me knowing that.Copy !req
688. - I thought you liked it.
- I do like it, but also,Copy !req
689. sometimes it drives me nuts.Copy !req
690. - So you just think I'm an idiot.
- No, I... You're doing it again.Copy !req
691. Well, maybe I am an idiot.Copy !req
692. But you know what?
This idiot, in two days,Copy !req
693. has done more with your ideaCopy !req
694. - than you've done in two years.
- Okay...Copy !req
695. This idiot co-owns a
very successful law firm.Copy !req
696. Okay, successful law firm,
and is a magnificent father.Copy !req
697. Now, look, I know that I got way
out ahead of you with the baby,Copy !req
698. and I'm sorry, and I'll stop it.Copy !req
699. But I'm a catch. Start acting like it.Copy !req
700. You know what?Copy !req
701. You're right.Copy !req
702. I'm sorry. Maybe I have been...Copy !req
703. a little judgy of you.Copy !req
704. Huh. My friends all say I'm judgy,Copy !req
705. but I never listen to
them or care what they sayCopy !req
706. because they're stupid idiots.Copy !req
707. I'm sorry, D.Copy !req
708. Men are the worst, aren't they?Copy !req
709. - Awful.
- So entitled.Copy !req
710. Josh Chan, fake Josh Chan, all of them.Copy !req
711. They always make everything about them.Copy !req
712. That's exactly what I'm saying.Copy !req
713. The reason we're in this situationCopy !req
714. is because men are so terrible.Copy !req
715. Don't get me started on men.Copy !req
716. Don't get me started on men.Copy !req
717. Don't get me started on men.Copy !req
718. - They're horrible.
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
719. - Drink a lot more.
- Yeah.Copy !req
720. - That's what I'm saying.
- Yes.Copy !req
721. All I'm saying...Copy !req
722. Chug, chug, chug, chug...Copy !req
723. And why do men never listen
and only think about themselves?Copy !req
724. - Hey, what about gay men?
- Oh, no, they're fine.Copy !req
725. Wait, I have sons.Copy !req
726. Oh...Copy !req
727. I don't know, it's like the
rational part of my brainCopy !req
728. - isn't working lately.
- You guys are right.Copy !req
729. My ideas have been awful.
And it's weird because,Copy !req
730. you know, I'm usually so brilliant.Copy !req
731. Yeah, yeah, and that
is one of the thingsCopy !req
732. that I am really mad at Josh about.Copy !req
733. He turned the smartest
person I know intoCopy !req
734. a sad, wannabe porn star.Copy !req
735. Brutal, but true.Copy !req
736. Huh, trutal.Copy !req
737. - That's good.
- These are really good.Copy !req
738. Yeah, Josh... Josh is the worstCopy !req
739. You know, I can't even book
another wedding because of him.Copy !req
740. His jilting youCopy !req
741. has completely ruined my business.Copy !req
742. I swear, I should totally
sue his ass or something.Copy !req
743. Sue him, that's funny.Copy !req
744. Wait, no, no, no.Copy !req
745. Sue him.Copy !req
746. That's actually a
really interesting idea.Copy !req
747. There is tons of case law that justifiesCopy !req
748. suing him on behalf of RebeccaCopy !req
749. on, like... on, like, several fronts.Copy !req
750. Breach of contract, alienation
of affection. Financial damages.Copy !req
751. - Whoa, that's such a smart idea, Paula.
- Thank you.Copy !req
752. Actually, it was my idea.Copy !req
753. Oh, my God, it's perfect! It's perfect.Copy !req
754. You get to humiliate Josh publicly,Copy !req
755. you get to maintain your dignity,Copy !req
756. and you become a hero in the process.Copy !req
757. Oh, my God, Cookie, the answer wasCopy !req
758. right under our noses.Copy !req
759. Yeah, God, that's...
that's a great idea.Copy !req
760. I mean, that's hard to argueCopy !req
761. why that isn't the perfect idea.Copy !req
762. - Well... yeah!
- Like, the perfect...Copy !req
763. Oh, feeling my mojo coming back.Copy !req
764. - Yeah, it is.
- Oh, I can feel it.Copy !req
765. That idea is brilliant.Copy !req
766. It's b... it's brilliant. I'm brilliant.Copy !req
767. It's so... You're so smart.Copy !req
768. It was my idea. Can't anyone hear me?Copy !req
769. Why didn't we think of that before?Copy !req
770. You're amazing. One up top.Copy !req
771. Am I dead?Copy !req
772. How did I die?Copy !req
773. Hey. Hey, hey, wake up.Copy !req
774. Wake up, it's me.Copy !req
775. I am so horny.Copy !req
776. Oh, okay.Copy !req
777. Uh, uh, babe?Copy !req
778. I don't want to call
you Tanya this time.Copy !req
779. Oh. Oh, no, no, no.Copy !req
780. That was... that was horrible.
That was so bad.Copy !req
781. Because I don't want Tanya.Copy !req
782. Oh, that's good, though,
'cause I killed her.Copy !req
783. Kidding. I'm kidding.Copy !req
784. No, I'm not.Copy !req
785. Yes, I am. Listen.Copy !req
786. Shh, babe, babe,Copy !req
787. I just came up with the best idea ever.Copy !req
788. I am so cool.Copy !req
789. So, come on, baby...Copy !req
790. call me Paula.Copy !req
791. - Hey.
- Wha...Copy !req
792. Sorry. Um, I will...
think about the baby thing.Copy !req
793. - What? Oh...
- Okay, just wanted to say that.Copy !req
794. So, I'm gonna go. By the way,Copy !req
795. this thing is amazing.Copy !req
796. You were right all along. I
should have never doubted you.Copy !req
797. I've already gotten,
like, 500 pre-orders, so.Copy !req
798. I have some ants to kill.Copy !req
799. Honk, honk.Copy !req
800. Okay, what we have to
show the jury, though,Copy !req
801. is proximate cause, to wit,Copy !req
802. how long in advance did Josh
plan to ruin your wedding?Copy !req
803. Okay, are we talking
specific intent or negligence?Copy !req
804. Speaking of negligence,
I've been meaning to ask you,Copy !req
805. - who's Robert?
- Sorry, who?Copy !req
806. Is that relevant to the case?Copy !req
807. You said his name out loud on the cliff,Copy !req
808. with all those other abandoning turds.Copy !req
809. And, you know, you seemed
really upset about it, and...Copy !req
810. Right, right, so, Robert was my dog.Copy !req
811. And it was a dog I loved,
and he was a male dog.Copy !req
812. And he ran away and
just left me one day.Copy !req
813. They're all monsters.Copy !req
814. - Mm-hmm.
- Hi, are you Rebecca?Copy !req
815. Yeah...Copy !req
816. I'm Nathaniel's date.
He wanted you to see me,Copy !req
817. so, this is what I look like.Copy !req
818. That... that is not what I said, okay?Copy !req
819. I was very specific about what I wantedCopy !req
820. with Casting Call magazine.Copy !req
821. - Can I have a bottle of water?
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
822. Get out.Copy !req
823. - So stupid...
- Come on, come on.Copy !req
824. That's...Copy !req
825. Okay, I don't know what that was...Copy !req
826. I do, but it's... Honestly,
it's so heartbreakingCopy !req
827. I can't... I can't even...Copy !req
828. Anyway, this is so fun.Copy !req
829. You and me, plus the law...
we are unstoppable.Copy !req
830. And this révenge,Copy !req
831. this will actually make
you feel better, I know it.Copy !req
832. Oh, my God, totally.
Like, what could be moreCopy !req
833. emotionally satisfying
than parsing the fine pointsCopy !req
834. - of tortious interference?
- Right?Copy !req
835. And this is gonna make
you feel so much betterCopy !req
836. than pooping in a plastic container.Copy !req
837. - Totally.
- I'm so gladCopy !req
838. you got that out of your system.Copy !req
839. I mean, it was just,
it was so silly and not smart.Copy !req
840. I know, it was just me
being, like, kind of a sad,Copy !req
841. desperate child acting out.Copy !req
842. So, this is way better.Copy !req