1. Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...Copy !req
2. I've had the best time hanging out
with the both of you.Copy !req
3. I think it's official that we're a squad.Copy !req
4. - You gonna drink that extra juice box?
- Take it.Copy !req
5. - Thanks.
- That's my best friend.Copy !req
6. She just had that "me, me, me, me" vibe.Copy !req
7. You don't think
that Paula feels left out, right?Copy !req
8. She doesn't feel like I've replaced her.Copy !req
9. Introducing the newest member
of our girl group, Pa-Pa-Pa-Paula.Copy !req
10. Our relationship
has always been one-sided.Copy !req
11. I give, you take,
and that is how it works.Copy !req
12. - Hey.
- I work out.Copy !req
13. Move up. Quit texting your new girlfriend.Copy !req
14. Um, Anna is not my new girlfriend.Copy !req
15. We've only been out
on three amazing dates.Copy !req
16. Sorry. Just— Anna texted me a picture
of a cat dressed up like a dog.Copy !req
17. Where does she find this stuff?Copy !req
18. Blam!Copy !req
19. I'm throwing it out.Copy !req
20. Hey, Trish! Hey, Eddie.Copy !req
21. - Hey, you.
- Oh, um, I'm George.Copy !req
22. Yeah, you are.Copy !req
23. Hey, P.P., what happened
to all your fun desk stuff?Copy !req
24. I am rebranding.Copy !req
25. And, for starters,
don't ever call me P.P. again.Copy !req
26. Oh, wait a minute.Copy !req
27. Now, you're not gonna throw outCopy !req
28. the "Honk if you're horny,
Paula Proctor is 40" bumper sticker!Copy !req
29. - That's classic.
- I have new interests now, Darryl.Copy !req
30. Oh, hello, Darryl. Good morning.Copy !req
31. And good morning... this guy.
You are looking very well.Copy !req
32. Yeah, thanks.
Actually, my mother found a lump—Copy !req
33. You're so funny.Copy !req
34. You're my favorite person
in this three-foot radius.Copy !req
35. Well, that's nice to hear 'cause
the doctor was crying when he told us.Copy !req
36. So, it's... it's probably not good.Copy !req
37. Yeah, uh-huh. Okay, cool.
We'll talk about this later, best friend.Copy !req
38. Okay. That's fine.Copy !req
39. Are you and Rebecca still fighting?Copy !req
40. Come on, you guys are besties.
Someone should apologize.Copy !req
41. - I don't want to take sides.
- No one needs you to do anything.Copy !req
42. I wonder what selfish person would
hog all the pink highlighters.Copy !req
43. Oh! Look at that.Copy !req
44. There they are.Copy !req
45. I know what you want, you know.
You want me to apologize.Copy !req
46. You know what, though?
I'm not gonna apologize.Copy !req
47. You know why?
I'm always the one who apologizes.Copy !req
48. Usually, it's because
I'm the one that did the bad thing.Copy !req
49. But not this time, not this time.
You owe me the apology this time.Copy !req
50. You want to know why?
You want to know why?Copy !req
51. Because you came to my girl partyCopy !req
52. and you were rude to everyone,
you were rude to me,Copy !req
53. you tried to leave early,
you broke my new house, and—Copy !req
54. Oh, look, I know you and I
are not in a great place,Copy !req
55. but I have a big paper due next week.Copy !req
56. I gotta go.Copy !req
57. Paula, Paula, Paula...Copy !req
58. We gotta find some way
to make this better.Copy !req
59. I know.Copy !req
60. I just don't know how.Copy !req
61. Hey, babe, you seen my vest and bow tie?Copy !req
62. I need to get my barbershop
quartet outfit dry-cleaned.Copy !req
63. Oh, I think it's still at the dry cleaners
from your last performance.Copy !req
64. I hope they didn't give it away.
Quartet outfits are a collector's item.Copy !req
65. Hey, you might want to get
to the office partyCopy !req
66. a little bit early on Friday.Copy !req
67. The white wine flies off the card table.Copy !req
68. Oh, I hear that. Nothing I like better
than a warm Costco white.Copy !req
69. God, I'm so nervous.Copy !req
70. This is the first time I'll be singing
in front of the co-workers.Copy !req
71. This is a huge gig for us.
We even have an opener.Copy !req
72. The boss' kids are doing
the first act of Hamilton.Copy !req
73. What are you reading? You're so into it.
Is it one of your sexy vampire books?Copy !req
74. No.Copy !req
75. It is a fascinating Supreme Court case
from 1880 called Yick Wo versus Hopkins,Copy !req
76. where the city of San Francisco had saidCopy !req
77. that it was illegal to operate laundries
in a wooden building,Copy !req
78. but the reason they did that
was becauseCopy !req
79. two-thirds of the wooden laundries
were operated by Chinese owners.Copy !req
80. So, do you know
what that court did?Copy !req
81. They used the Equal Protection Clause
from the 14th AmendmentCopy !req
82. to find that law discriminatory.Copy !req
83. Boom.Copy !req
84. Cool.Copy !req
85. - Right?
- Laundry is tough. We know that.Copy !req
86. We have a stack on the washer
up to the ceiling.Copy !req
87. Uh, hey, do you need a plus one
for Rebecca for Friday?Copy !req
88. For Rebecca? What? No. No way.Copy !req
89. Are you guys still fighting?
You should call her, work it out.Copy !req
90. I'm not gonna call her. She can call me.
She's got my number.Copy !req
91. She's being such a petty child.Copy !req
92. And she started it. She's such a baby.Copy !req
93. - Hi.
- Hey, babe.Copy !req
94. - Oh. Sorry I'm so late.Copy !req
95. Are you ready for the best coffee
you've ever had in your life?Copy !req
96. - Hell to the yeah!Copy !req
97. I can't believe it's been three weeks
and I haven't taken you here yet.Copy !req
98. I've been coming to this place
ever since it was just a pop-up.Copy !req
99. Oh, cool.Copy !req
100. What?
- Hey, Ichabod. The usual, please.Copy !req
101. You got it, Anna. One semi-petite latte
with organic coconut milk.Copy !req
102. - And you, sir?
- Just coffee for me, dude.Copy !req
103. - What kind? It's all up there.
- Oh, okay.Copy !req
104. Ooh.Copy !req
105. You've got single origin, blended,
micro-lot, Indian filter,Copy !req
106. French press, Clover, Turkish,
Kyoto drip, Neapolitan flip,Copy !req
107. V60, moka pot, drip pot, automatic drip.Copy !req
108. Um...Copy !req
109. Single origin, I guess.Copy !req
110. Which single origin?
We have 17 different kinds.Copy !req
111. Uh...Copy !req
112. You know what?
Uh, you pick your fave.Copy !req
113. - You got it.
- Cool.Copy !req
114. - This is awesome. I gotta remember it.Copy !req
115. Note, Silver Brew in Silver Lake.
Repeat, Silver Brew in Silver Lake.Copy !req
116. Taylor loves this place.Copy !req
117. She brought me here with Lena,
Cara, Gwynnie, Selena, and Uzo.Copy !req
118. All really great girls, except Uzo
is a little bit of a name dropper.Copy !req
119. I can't believe you know
all these famous peopleCopy !req
120. just from tweezing their eyebrows
at your salon.Copy !req
121. Well, it's not always about the tweezing.
Sometimes, it's about not tweezing.Copy !req
122. Sometimes, I send my clients on,
like, six-month growth retreats.Copy !req
123. It's all about the bold brow right now.
The bigger, the better.Copy !req
124. - Oh! Like the dad in American Pie?
- Eugene Levy?Copy !req
125. Yes, totally. He's all over
the salon inspiration board.Copy !req
126. Before I met you, I didn't even know
eyebrows were, like, a big deal.Copy !req
127. - Oh, that's what I love about you.
- Love me?Copy !req
128. - Love about you.
- Oh, yeah, got it.Copy !req
129. You're so... refreshing.Copy !req
130. I'm so tired of these skinny,
bearded hipsters.Copy !req
131. Thank God I'm not skinny, or hip,
or able to grow a beard.Copy !req
132. - I like you just the way you are.
- Oh.Copy !req
133. So, Anna, I got you something.Copy !req
134. I know. We've only been seeing
each other a couple weeks.Copy !req
135. It's probably a little early
to pop the gift bubble,Copy !req
136. but this is technically not for you.Copy !req
137. Josh, what did you do?Copy !req
138. Oh, I got you a present.
Sorry, I thought that was clear.Copy !req
139. - Okay, close your eyes.
- Okay.Copy !req
140. Okay. Open 'em!Copy !req
141. - I got you a cat collar for your cat!
- Oh, my gosh. This is so cute, Josh.Copy !req
142. Gravy's gonna be the best dressed cat
in Silver Lake.Copy !req
143. - You're so sweet. Thank you.
- I love that cat.Copy !req
144. I've never loved a cat before, seriously.
I've always thought they were haunted.Copy !req
145. Here you go.Copy !req
146. Whoa! That foam has a lady's face!Copy !req
147. Frida Kahlo? Well done, Ichabod.Copy !req
148. That is my girl right there.
Talk about brows.Copy !req
149. I wish I had her hormone imbalance.Copy !req
150. Oh.
Yeah, sorry, I didn't hear the...Copy !req
151. Wow.Copy !req
152. Oh, this is so great. Hanging out...Copy !req
153. You know, friends your own age,
who don't judge you...Copy !req
154. So, you're still in a fight with Paula?Copy !req
155. Because you keep bringing her up
without saying her name.Copy !req
156. Just, like, call her and work it out.Copy !req
157. I'm not gonna call her.
She can call me. She has my number.Copy !req
158. Forget about Paula.
We are having young fun.Copy !req
159. What you up to, Heath?Copy !req
160. Um, it's "Heather,"
and I'm just doing a Miss Douche AMA.Copy !req
161. A lot of questions about baking bread.
People are really confused about yeast.Copy !req
162. - What about you, V?
- Oh, just surfin'.Copy !req
163. The Internet is so much more fun
now that it's a Josh Chan-free zone.Copy !req
164. - I am so glad we unfollowed him.
- Oh, my God. Me, too. I feel that.Copy !req
165. Oh, you both unfollowed him?
You really stuck it to him, huh?Copy !req
166. Yeah, it's pretty amazing.Copy !req
167. I don't even have an urge
to look at his feed anymore.Copy !req
168. It's like, "Who cares?"Copy !req
169. - Hmm?
- What you got there, girlfriend?Copy !req
170. Oh, nothing. It's just an Internet quizCopy !req
171. to figure out what Tom Hanks movie
my hairstyle is today.Copy !req
172. - Uh, what?
- What you got going on there, girlfriend?Copy !req
173. Oh, nothing. Just watching
another pimple popper video.Copy !req
174. Blech.Copy !req
175. Mm. Cool.Copy !req
176. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool,
cool, cool, cool, cool.Copy !req
177. - Coolio.
- Yeah, I love Coolio.Copy !req
178. Yeah, "Gangsta's Paradise"?
Forget it. I miss that guy.Copy !req
179. Yup, yup. Mm-hmm.
Yup, I miss him. I miss him.Copy !req
180. I'm sorry. You guys miss Coolio?Copy !req
181. Yeah-huh.Copy !req
182. Mm. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.Copy !req
183. Silver Brew?Copy !req
184. - What?
- Nothing.Copy !req
185. - Oh, my God. Who is that?
- What?Copy !req
186. Oh, nothing. I just always forget
which Kardashian is which.Copy !req
187. Oh, okay. Describe her for me.Copy !req
188. Is she the tall one, the naked one,
or the mom one?Copy !req
189. 'Cause if you're talking
about the model one or the lip one,Copy !req
190. those are Jenners.Copy !req
191. Jenners. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Jenga, Jumanji, Robin Williams.Copy !req
192. Williams. Mm-hmm. Willy.Copy !req
193. Willy Wonka. I want candy.Copy !req
194. Are you both high right now?Copy !req
195. Oh, my God!Copy !req
196. Josh has a girlfriend.
What did you say? What did you say?Copy !req
197. I knew you guys didn't miss Coolio.Copy !req
198. Who is that?Copy !req
199. I-I don't know. Okay, she's tagged
as "Anna the Browbarian."Copy !req
200. - You click it. I can't.
- Okay.Copy !req
201. - Click it, click it, click it, click it.
- Okay, okay, okay, okay.Copy !req
202. Her name is Anna... Hicks.Copy !req
203. Anna Hicks? No one has that name.Copy !req
204. That's, like, the romantic lead
in an Adam Sandler movie.Copy !req
205. Guys, don't do this.Copy !req
206. If you fall down the rabbit hole of
Internetting an ex's current girlfriend,Copy !req
207. you may never come back.Copy !req
208. Look at her.
Oh, she's so pretty and cool.Copy !req
209. Also, she has like a permanent
flower crown filter face.Copy !req
210. What—? How do you get that?Copy !req
211. Oh, my God! I know who she is!
I read about her in Us Magazine.Copy !req
212. She does eyebrows for celebrities.Copy !req
213. Yeah, there's like a three-month
waiting list at her salon.Copy !req
214. I heard Mary Kate Olsen had to pretend
to be Elizabeth Olsen to get in.Copy !req
215. - Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- What?Copy !req
216. Okay, I need to see, like,
a billion more pictures of her.Copy !req
217. Me too!Copy !req
218. No, I mean, you know what they say.
Curiosity killed the—Copy !req
219. - Cat! Look at her. She has a cat.
- Aw!Copy !req
220. She makes being a cat person look cool.Copy !req
221. Exactly. Now, I want a cat.
What is going on?Copy !req
222. - I don't know. Up is down and down is up.Copy !req
223. Hey, what are you doing
for the next, like, 13 hours?Copy !req
224. Don't do anything healthy.
Don't be productive.Copy !req
225. Give in to your desire.Copy !req
226. Yes.Copy !req
227. No.Copy !req
228. - That's true, that's true.
- Very true.Copy !req
229. So many unanswered questions.Copy !req
230. Did I go to the University of Texas?Copy !req
231. Am I an EMT?Copy !req
232. Is that my obituary, in which I'm survived
by my loving husband Eddie of 50 years,Copy !req
233. children Susan and Matthew,
and grandchild Stephanie?Copy !req
234. Wait, no. That's just all people
with my same name.Copy !req
235. Oh.
- Or is it?Copy !req
236. Pay only $9.99 on a background
check website to know for sure.Copy !req
237. - I'll do it, yeah.
Yeah.Copy !req
238. - Aw.
- Oh.Copy !req
239. - None of this makes any sense.
- Not at all.Copy !req
240. There's no way
Josh could land someone that cool.Copy !req
241. You guys are still here?
You've been here for three days.Copy !req
242. Well, it would have been a lot less time
if someone hadn't stopped meCopy !req
243. from creating a fake Instagram account.Copy !req
244. I told you that's illegal,
and I cannot go to jail right now.Copy !req
245. I am one stamp away on my frozen yogurt
punch card from scoring a freebie, so...Copy !req
246. What could she possibly see in Josh Chan?Copy !req
247. I-I have literally no idea what he has
to offer to someone like this.Copy !req
248. You both dated him.Copy !req
249. Yeah, but we're mortals
and she's like a fairy angel.Copy !req
250. I mean, really, what could she see
in a guy from West CovinaCopy !req
251. who still wears stitchy jeans?Copy !req
252. - And supermarket flip flops.
- And lives with his mother.Copy !req
253. Yeah, he's the worst!
I once saw him bite off a toenail.Copy !req
254. Well, I mean,
he is very flexible and strong.Copy !req
255. And muscular.Copy !req
256. Yeah, and his skin color— Would you say
that's like caramel? It's just so yummy.Copy !req
257. Mmm, delicious.Copy !req
258. Well, you guys just did, like,
a whole loop-de-loop there.Copy !req
259. Anyway, I don't know.
This— This isn't adding up.Copy !req
260. I think it's on us
to get to the bottom of this.Copy !req
261. Yeah, I mean,
just because we're over JoshCopy !req
262. doesn't mean we can let
some trendy girl exploit him.Copy !req
263. It's not right!Copy !req
264. You are exactly right.
We need to investigate.Copy !req
265. - Yeah.
- I'll drive.Copy !req
266. - Okay.
- Let's Thelma and Louise this thing!Copy !req
267. Great!Copy !req
268. Thelma and Louise drove off a cliff, so...Copy !req
269. be careful.Copy !req
270. Warming up?Copy !req
271. Yeah. I try to lube the cords
well in advance for the show.Copy !req
272. Ah, the West Brovinas. You're the buzz
of the shipping department.Copy !req
273. - I heard so much about you guys.
- You have?Copy !req
274. Yeah, from you. Every day?Copy !req
275. - Right. I do love barbershop.
- Mm.Copy !req
276. - Everyone needs a hobby.
- Mm.Copy !req
277. Hank, our tenor, likes to say,Copy !req
278. "It's cheaper than golf
and safer than whores."Copy !req
279. Wait, maybe it's... "cheaper than whores
and safer than golf." I don't know.Copy !req
280. Well, personally, I can't wait.Copy !req
281. I love close harmony singing.
I die over a perfectly hit seventh.Copy !req
282. Wow, well...Copy !req
283. - That's cool, Tanya.
- Yeah, see you tonight.Copy !req
284. I'll text you later.Copy !req
285. - Oh, I'm so nervous.
- Okay, listen.Copy !req
286. Since you're a sneaky stalky virgin,
just play it cool, okay?Copy !req
287. She won't notice anything
if you don't notice anything.Copy !req
288. So, we're just here to...Copy !req
289. Observe and analyze, like,
in the style of Margaret Mead,Copy !req
290. Jane Goodall, Dian Fossey.Copy !req
291. - What? Who—?
- Just figure things out.Copy !req
292. Okay, I'm not stupid. You just reference
obscure things all the time.Copy !req
293. - Oh, my God.
- Wait. OMG, her outfit is beyond.Copy !req
294. And it's hot that her eyebrows
are staggering, of course.Copy !req
295. No, I know you're jonesing, but I can't
give you any more of the stuff.Copy !req
296. Because... No, I'm still here.Copy !req
297. I'm waiting on a shipment.Copy !req
298. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
299. What is that?Copy !req
300. Uh— Uh—Copy !req
301. Um... Okay, I'm sorry.Copy !req
302. Is she giving all these women
some sort of white powder?Copy !req
303. Cocaine?Copy !req
304. I mean, I was thinking the same thing,
or meth, or crushed up oxy. Who knows?Copy !req
305. Oh. Shh, shh, shh! Here she comes,
here she comes, here she comes.Copy !req
306. Peas and carrots, peas and carrots,
peas and carrots.Copy !req
307. - What are you doing?
- Peas and carrots.Copy !req
308. I'm saying "peas and carrots."Copy !req
309. It's what you do
when you're faking chitchat.Copy !req
310. I did it in my eighth grade church play
Don't Be Different.Copy !req
311. Peas and carrots, peas and carrots,
peas and carrots—Copy !req
312. You're saying it so loud. Just stop.Copy !req
313. Because some girls abuse it,Copy !req
314. and then I have to completely
cut them off.Copy !req
315. Oh, my God. You're right.
She is a drug salesperson.Copy !req
316. - I'll call you back.
- Oh, she sees us.Copy !req
317. She's a drug dealer.Copy !req
318. Josh's girlfriend is a stone cold narco.Copy !req
319. I mean, I guess it makes sense.Copy !req
320. You can't pay gentrified commercial rents
by plucking forehead hair.Copy !req
321. We have to tell Josh.
There's no way he'll figure it out.Copy !req
322. - I mean, let's face it. Not the smartest.
- No, no, no. He's not so bright.Copy !req
323. He once told me
his favorite animal was Antarctica.Copy !req
324. He thinks eau de toilette
is called that because—Copy !req
325. "Oh, it's from a toilet!"Copy !req
326. Right, so sad.
Also, he talks to telemarketers.Copy !req
327. He'll believe anything anyone tells him.
He's too trusting, too sweet.Copy !req
328. - I mean, the guy just radiates sunshine.
- I love his mouth.Copy !req
329. Yeah.Copy !req
330. We loop-de-looped again!Copy !req
331. - We have to tell him.
- Yes.Copy !req
332. We can't just sit here
on our big, fat, lazy, fat cans all day.Copy !req
333. - All right, let's go.
- Okay.Copy !req
334. Um, hey, while we're driving, let's talk
about your continued body dysmorphia,Copy !req
335. 'cause I thought
we'd nipped it in the bud.Copy !req
336. So, body dysmorphia is often
caused by personal trauma,Copy !req
337. such as childhood teasing
or parental over-involvement.Copy !req
338. That's weird. Did you leave
your purse on the ground?Copy !req
339. No, I didn't bring a purse.Copy !req
340. I brought my mini calf-hair crossbody.
We're on the go.Copy !req
341. Yeah, which is why I brought
my high school JanSport backpack.Copy !req
342. Wait, so what did I run over?Copy !req
343. - Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!Copy !req
344. Oh, my God! Gravy!Copy !req
345. What happened? Who hit my cat?Copy !req
346. Oh, my little baby! It's gonna be okay.
It's gonna be okay.Copy !req
347. Did you see who hit my cat?Copy !req
348. - Um...
- Uh... uh...Copy !req
349. We saw it. We saw it.
It was a hit and run.Copy !req
350. Someone— It was a thoughtless man.
It was a man. It's always a man.Copy !req
351. Yeah, it was a man with, um, a hat
and-and one eye and a parrot here.Copy !req
352. A pirate? A pirate hit my cat?
That's insane.Copy !req
353. Yeah, it was— it was insane.
That's why she remembers it so vividly.Copy !req
354. It was a guy with yellow teeth
and black eyeliner.Copy !req
355. I bet it's one of those creepsCopy !req
356. who plays Jack Sparrow
on Hollywood Boulevard.Copy !req
357. - Oh!
Yup. Um, hey.Copy !req
358. We were— We were just gonna drive
your cat to the hospital.Copy !req
359. - Why don't we take you, too?
What?Copy !req
360. - What are you talking about?
- It's fine. Shh!Copy !req
361. This is all my fault.Copy !req
362. I was on the phone
and I left the door open.Copy !req
363. If anything happens to him,
I don't know what I'll do.Copy !req
364. Will you excuse me for one moment?Copy !req
365. What are we doing? I'm over there
all by myself comforting the enemy,Copy !req
366. who smells like heaven, by the way.Copy !req
367. - I want to get out of here.
- Shh, shh, shh. Just play cool, okay?Copy !req
368. So, listen, it hit me
when we hit the cat.Copy !req
369. We can't just tell Josh
about Anna's drug business.Copy !req
370. He'll never believe us, okay?
We need proof.Copy !req
371. So, I intend to do just that.Copy !req
372. Before you go over there,Copy !req
373. I told her that your name is Madge
and my name is Allegra.Copy !req
374. - Madge?
- So you.Copy !req
375. - Great.
- Yeah, go. Go, go, go.Copy !req
376. Hey. Hey, honey. So, the nurse wants you
to fill out all this information.Copy !req
377. I just figured I'd do it
since you're so upset.Copy !req
378. - So, it's just you and me.
- Okay.Copy !req
379. Don't think, just rapid fire
answer my questions.Copy !req
380. Name, age, height, weight.Copy !req
381. Uh, Gravy Miffy Muffins, six years old,
18 inches, eight pounds.Copy !req
382. No, honey, honey.
Your name, age, height, weight.Copy !req
383. They need it for you for some reason.
Okay, okay?Copy !req
384. So, stay with me, stay with me.
Rapid fire.Copy !req
385. - Okay.
- Stay with me, okay?Copy !req
386. Name, age, height, weight,
occupation, income,Copy !req
387. uh, felonies, misdemeanors,
trouble with the law—Copy !req
388. - You're going too fast.
- Okay, got it.Copy !req
389. I will go slower, okay? I'll slow it down,
but still rapid fire with me, okay?Copy !req
390. Right with me? Rapid fire?Copy !req
391. - Okay. So, name?
- Anna Hicks.Copy !req
392. - Okay, age?
- Twenty-nine.Copy !req
393. Older than I thought. Good for you.
Um, height, weight, rapid fire?Copy !req
394. - Five-three. I don't weigh myself.
- Yes, you do. Everyone does.Copy !req
395. - No, I really don't.
- Put down 115, Madge.Copy !req
396. Got it. Um, okay. So many questions
on this stupid form.Copy !req
397. - It's so thorough. I don't know why.Copy !req
398. Any— Any run-ins with the law?Copy !req
399. - Like, felonies, misdemeanors?Copy !req
400. Oh, my God! Is he dead? No!Copy !req
401. He's just fine. We reattached his tail
and he's gonna be A-ok.Copy !req
402. Oh, thank God. My little Gravy Wavy.Copy !req
403. We just didn't want this collar to get
lost in the shuffle. It's so pretty.Copy !req
404. Thank you.
My boyfriend got it for me. Thanks.Copy !req
405. - Oh.Copy !req
406. So, you have— you have—
you have a boyfriend, huh?Copy !req
407. That was the next question
on this weird form.Copy !req
408. You have a— So you— Yes to—
Yes, boyfriend, yes?Copy !req
409. Yeah. I haven't said it out loud yet,
but, um, I guess he is my boyfriend.Copy !req
410. It's funny how hard moments make you
realize who really matters to you.Copy !req
411. Mmm.Copy !req
412. You know, um, since Gravy's A-ok,
why don't I take your mind off of this?Copy !req
413. And we'll just gab like girls.
Tell me about the boyfriend, girlfriend.Copy !req
414. - Um, his name is Josh,Copy !req
415. and we've only been seeing each other
for a couple weeks,Copy !req
416. so I guess it's casual,
but he's so nice, so helpful.Copy !req
417. I've been slammed at the salon lately,
and he's been helping me out a ton,Copy !req
418. making deliveries, pickups,
going to Mexico to get product.Copy !req
419. - Mexico?
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
420. And he doesn't even ask
any questions. He's so nice.Copy !req
421. And I feel bad for him. He's been
through some really tough times.Copy !req
422. Had some toxic relationships.Copy !req
423. Toxic? Is that— Is that his word,
your word, or Britney's word?Copy !req
424. His word, "toxic."Copy !req
425. He doesn't like to badmouth his exes,Copy !req
426. but this one girl he dated
hounded him to propose.Copy !req
427. Hounded? Is that his word,
your word, or Elvis' word?Copy !req
428. His word, "hounded."Copy !req
429. And then, he dated this psycho,
who, get this, quit her job,Copy !req
430. and then moved across the country
to be with him,Copy !req
431. even though they hadn't seen
each other in, like, ten years.Copy !req
432. Crazy, right?Copy !req
433. That also could be unfair, you know.Copy !req
434. That could be the male gaze
version of the narrative.Copy !req
435. No, this girl sounded legit bonker balls.Copy !req
436. She told him
that she was pregnant with his baby,Copy !req
437. and then, two seconds later, said
that she wasn't pregnant with his baby,Copy !req
438. and then begged him to have period sex.Copy !req
439. Excuse me, what happened?Copy !req
440. Let's not slut-shame a ladyCopy !req
441. just because her libido doesn't
go away during menstruation.Copy !req
442. That girl, whoever she is,
should be commended.Copy !req
443. - Okay, stop.
- Okay.Copy !req
444. When Josh finds out who ran over Gravy,
he's going to flip.Copy !req
445. He absolutely loves this cat.Copy !req
446. Right, but, I mean,
how is he even gonna find her— him?Copy !req
447. The salon security footage.Copy !req
448. - What?
- What?Copy !req
449. I took over the salon from a jeweler,Copy !req
450. so the entire front of the salon
has cameras.Copy !req
451. Josh and I are gonna find the person
who ran over my babyCopy !req
452. if it's the last thing that I do.Copy !req
453. Did you hear that, Madge?Copy !req
454. I did, Allegra.Copy !req
455. Oh, yeah. We could buy—
We could buy that place, or—Copy !req
456. This place looks quite promising.
Maybe we could buy—Copy !req
457. Okay, look, I was trying
to mislead the neighborsCopy !req
458. to make them think we're lesbians
looking for a new house.Copy !req
459. We really need to get that security video
or we are absolute toast.Copy !req
460. How are we gonna get in?Copy !req
461. Do you have a diamond ring
that we could use to cut glass?Copy !req
462. Maybe there's a kitty door
or something like—Copy !req
463. - How about we use these?
- Oh, my God. She has the cutest stuff.Copy !req
464. - Wait, wait, wait. You stole those?
- Yes.Copy !req
465. I don't feel bad about it, either.Copy !req
466. She was begging for me to do it.Copy !req
467. Leaving the house with that fancy purse?Copy !req
468. And then, leaving it on the floor,
all wide open,Copy !req
469. with the tip of her keys poking out?Copy !req
470. Did I take her keys? Damn right I did.Copy !req
471. Anyone would have done it.
If anything, I'm the real victim here.Copy !req
472. Okay, so we need to have
a serious talk about consent.Copy !req
473. So, consent is something
that must be initiated—Copy !req
474. Okay. Wow.Copy !req
475. Don't mind us. We're just two lesbians.
Nothing to see, nothing to see.Copy !req
476. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Where is it?
Oh, my God, look at this place— Oh, oh!Copy !req
477. - Okay, okay. Uh...Copy !req
478. - Okay, okay. We have to guess the code.
- How? I didn't study up enough on her.Copy !req
479. Okay, I'll try.
Uh, how about her birthday? No.Copy !req
480. - Gravy's birthday.
- You know Gravy's birthday?Copy !req
481. Josh's birthday.Copy !req
482. - No.
- Fail, fail.Copy !req
483. - Her parents' credit scores?
- Okay, okay.Copy !req
484. - No!
Her weight!Copy !req
485. Try her weight, 115. Try it.Copy !req
486. - Okay, okay.
- Yeah.Copy !req
487. No, she doesn't weigh herself, remember?Copy !req
488. Of course, she does. Hold on.Copy !req
489. - Goal weight! That's it!
- What?Copy !req
490. 113! Do it, do it, do it!Copy !req
491. I knew that bitch weighed herself.Copy !req
492. I'm really nervous.Copy !req
493. Yeah, I get that.
Do what I do when I get nervous.Copy !req
494. Take off your underwear.Copy !req
495. You mean picture people
in their underwear?Copy !req
496. What? Why would that make me
more comfortable?Copy !req
497. That's just awkward.Copy !req
498. Naw, I walk around with my bits
all wango-tango. It's very relaxing.Copy !req
499. Oh, I'm doing a version of that. Uh...Copy !req
500. Instead of underwear,
I'm wearing an old T-shirt upside down.Copy !req
501. We haven't done laundry in ages.Copy !req
502. Paula's been busy, and I don't know
how to work the machine.Copy !req
503. Where is Paula?
I didn't see her with the wives.Copy !req
504. She's coming.
She first had to do some law stuff.Copy !req
505. - What kind of law stuff?
- I sincerely have no idea.Copy !req
506. I just think the relationship between
the 21st and the 18th AmendmentCopy !req
507. is amazing.Copy !req
508. I mean, don't you think?Copy !req
509. Actually, I've just been sitting hereCopy !req
510. thinking about what I'm gonna pick up
for dinner on the way home.Copy !req
511. I finally ran out of the frozen dinners
my wife made for us before she—Copy !req
512. I'm telling you, I have not been
this obsessed about somethingCopy !req
513. since the first season of The Wire.Copy !req
514. - Oh. Yeah.
- You don't watch The Wire?Copy !req
515. - No.
What?Copy !req
516. I know, I know.Copy !req
517. Oh, I am so jealous of you that you get
to watch it for the first time.Copy !req
518. Oh-ho! Rebecca and I binged that
in, like, two days. We loved it.Copy !req
519. She is so Avon. I am so Stringer Bell.Copy !req
520. It is— Why am I talking about Rebecca?
I'm sorry, never mind.Copy !req
521. We could talk about my wife.
I did just bring her up.Copy !req
522. Oh, of course.
I'm sorry, honey. Go ahead.Copy !req
523. She also pre-ordered,Copy !req
524. like, a year's worth supply
of toilet paper for us.Copy !req
525. She was so thoughtful.Copy !req
526. Even in her darkest times,
she was like, "Sunil—"Copy !req
527. - What time is it?
- I don't know.Copy !req
528. Oh, no! Oh, my God.
Okay, I can make it.Copy !req
529. I can... I can make it. I can...
I can make it, I can make it.Copy !req
530. - Where are you going?
- I can make it, I can make it.Copy !req
531. I can make it. I can make it!Copy !req
532. I made it, I made it, I made it,
I made it, I made it, I made it.Copy !req
533. I made it. Oh, God, so thirsty.Copy !req
534. Blech.Copy !req
535. That's the end of the first song, right?
I just missed the end of the first song?Copy !req
536. That was the encore.Copy !req
537. Okay, I'll look on this computer
for the footage.Copy !req
538. Uh, as long as we're here,
you look for evidence of drugs, okay?Copy !req
539. - Go through the drawers.
- Okay, got it.Copy !req
540. Okay, I found the footage
from this afternoon.Copy !req
541. Let's look at all the angles. Maybe...Copy !req
542. Maybe it didn't actually get us
hitting the cat—Copy !req
543. Oh, no, there it is. Clear as day.
We really— Yeah, we ran over that cat.Copy !req
544. Mm.Copy !req
545. My brows are a little thin,
aren't they? Ugh.Copy !req
546. - They're '90s brows. Damn it.
- Hey, what are you doing over there?Copy !req
547. - Did you find drugs?
- No, but this lotion... I'm addicted.Copy !req
548. - Dude!
- What?Copy !req
549. Wow, never mind. I'll take care of this.Copy !req
550. Okay, delete, delete, delete, delete.
Empty trash. Oh! Thank God. Yes. Phew!Copy !req
551. Oh, what a weight off me.
I wish I could do that in my own life,Copy !req
552. just erase things that happened.Copy !req
553. God, I would erase
all of junior prom and sixth gradeCopy !req
554. and so many courtroom farts.Copy !req
555. - Okay, great! Let's get out of here.
- Wait, wait, wait. It just occurred to me.Copy !req
556. If she's doing anything illegal,
it would be on these tapes.Copy !req
557. - We could show them to Josh.
- I really don't want to get caught.Copy !req
558. V, look, I know this is dangerous,
and I know how we both feel about Josh,Copy !req
559. but he's an innocent man
being turned into a drug mule.Copy !req
560. Yeah, God only knows
what he's sticking in his rectum.Copy !req
561. - Oh, my God. Have we talked about that?
- What?Copy !req
562. Oh, so he never...Copy !req
563. Nothing. Mm-mm, mm-mm.
Nope. Mm-mm.Copy !req
564. What was I doing? Oh, right.Copy !req
565. I'm gonna fast forward through this
to see if she is a hopper moving g-pack.Copy !req
566. She's no corner boy.
She's pushing real weight.Copy !req
567. - Ugh.
- It's The Wire.Copy !req
568. - Have you never seen The Wire?
- Mm, am I supposed to?Copy !req
569. Oh, my God.
I'm so jealous of you right now.Copy !req
570. You get to watch it from the beginning.Copy !req
571. Paula and I binged the whole thing
in two days, and we were obsessed.Copy !req
572. We talked like Avon
and Stringer Bell for a solid month.Copy !req
573. Um, wait, why am I talking about Paula?
I hate her right now.Copy !req
574. Okay, fast forward. Let's see.Copy !req
575. She's plucking, she's plucking,
she's plucking, more plucking.Copy !req
576. - Oh, there it is, there it is!Copy !req
577. Look, she's handing
envelopes of drugs to clients.Copy !req
578. - Whoa.
- This is insane.Copy !req
579. She's giving envelopes full of drugs
to people out in broad daylight.Copy !req
580. It's so brazen.Copy !req
581. This is such important work.
We're gonna blow this wide open.Copy !req
582. We could get a Peabody for this.Copy !req
583. Look, look! She's taking the powder
out of the envelope,Copy !req
584. and then she's putting it on the table.Copy !req
585. She's showing them how to do the drugs.Copy !req
586. Oh, she's gonna shoot up the drugs
just like in Breaking Bad.Copy !req
587. - Have you seen Breaking Bad?
- Eh.Copy !req
588. How do you live your life?Copy !req
589. - I go outside.
- That's fair.Copy !req
590. - Okay, here we go, here we go.
- Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa!Copy !req
591. She's gonna do the drugs!
She's getting high off her own supply.Copy !req
592. - It's going in her mouth.
- No, no, no. It's going up her nose.Copy !req
593. Nope, nope, nope.
It's going on her eyebrows.Copy !req
594. She's putting coke on her eyebrows?Copy !req
595. Is that a thing? Wait, wait, wait.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.Copy !req
596. She's— She's saying something.Copy !req
597. Let me— Give me a second.
I can lip read pretty well.Copy !req
598. My semester abroad,
I took a deaf lover, okay?Copy !req
599. All right. Uh, oh, she's about
to say something. Okay.Copy !req
600. "Put this on your eyebrows
two times a day for a month,Copy !req
601. and you will see a significant change
in your eyebrow growth."Copy !req
602. - Oh.
- Oh, it makes your eyebrows grow.Copy !req
603. Well, that's brilliant...Copy !req
604. and disappointing.Copy !req
605. Yeah.
- I guess that means that—Copy !req
606. It means that Josh is dating
a super fly entrepreneur,Copy !req
607. who's probably just using products
that haven't been outwardly clearedCopy !req
608. by the Federal Food, Drug,
and Cosmetics Act.Copy !req
609. Great.Copy !req
610. - Look, I said I was sorry.
- You're not sorry.Copy !req
611. No, well, I— I heard the last note
and it was beautiful.Copy !req
612. Okay, okay. I messed up
and this is all my fault.Copy !req
613. You know how much the Brovinas
mean to me, but you don't care.Copy !req
614. I do care. I just— I should have set
an alarm or something.Copy !req
615. - I got caught up in something.
- Law thing?Copy !req
616. Oh, well, yeah. And I— You know what?
But it's wrong and I know that now.Copy !req
617. I have been so supportive,
and I think what you're doing is great.Copy !req
618. But I feel left out.
You're so distracted lately.Copy !req
619. Well, I know, I know, but I—
Look, I-I will try to do better.Copy !req
620. I was great out there, Paula.
I nailed that low A.Copy !req
621. Hank's wife said
I sounded like Lou Rawls.Copy !req
622. Tanya from shipping bought six CDs
for her care packages for the troops.Copy !req
623. Does she not support the troops?
Wow. Fair, fair. Horrible time for a joke.Copy !req
624. Scott, I am so sorry, okay? This is all—
This is a hundred percent my fault.Copy !req
625. I don't care whose fault it is.Copy !req
626. I just feel bad right now.Copy !req
627. - Well, I guess we should go.
- Yeah, there's nothing more to see here.Copy !req
628. No, wait. Look at that.
Uh, Josh gave her flowers?Copy !req
629. Wow! That's a big bouquet
of flowers, J. Chan.Copy !req
630. The only time he got me flowers
was prom night.Copy !req
631. Blue carnations from a gas station,
from a bucket.Copy !req
632. In return, I gave him my virginity.
I thought this was a rebound relationship.Copy !req
633. No, no, no. It is, it is. He just needs
to get the blonde out of his system.Copy !req
634. - Shh, shh, shh! What's he saying?
- Oh.Copy !req
635. - Deaf lover, what's he saying?
Okay, okay, okay.Copy !req
636. He's saying, "Anna, you are so cool.
I get so stoked when we chill."Copy !req
637. Oh, no big deal. He said
stuff like that to me all the time.Copy !req
638. He gets stoked
when his mom makes bagel bites.Copy !req
639. Um, "I just had to tell youCopy !req
640. that I've never felt this way
about anyone else...Copy !req
641. ever."Copy !req
642. - "Never ever."
- Okay, I got it.Copy !req
643. "Like, ever."Copy !req
644. I told you guys, curiosity killed the cat.Copy !req
645. Mm. It didn't kill the cat.Copy !req
646. It just ripped off the cat's tail,
which has now been reattached.Copy !req
647. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
648. But I guess you were right. We shouldn't
have gone down the rabbit hole.Copy !req
649. The only thing down there
is regret made of rabbit poop.Copy !req
650. Well said. Well, I'm just glad
you guys are over it.Copy !req
651. - He never loved us.
- No, either of us.Copy !req
652. And he's obviously over us,
so he's done and we should be done, too.Copy !req
653. - Mm.
- It's time to move on.Copy !req
654. Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.Copy !req
655. Mm.Copy !req
656. Oh, yeah. That's good.
Okay, let's see.Copy !req
657. Too tall, too hairy.Copy !req
658. Too bald.Copy !req
659. Ugh, too karate.Copy !req
660. That one will do.Copy !req
661. Wait, you're— you're ditching me?Copy !req
662. But we were gonna go
binge watch something.Copy !req
663. I've been saving Friday Night Lights
for someone special.Copy !req
664. I'm sorry, hon. Maybe another time.Copy !req
665. And I really do love
all your girl bonding stuff,Copy !req
666. but right now, I really need to get laid.Copy !req
667. Are you serious?
You've got your jacket? Come on.Copy !req
668. - Don't— Where are you going? Don't leave.
- I'm gonna grab a drink with Hank.Copy !req
669. Please just stay and we'll talk this out.Copy !req
670. Paula, I need a minute.Copy !req
671. I need to cool off.Copy !req
672. Hey, Sunil, it's me. What are you—?
Oh, you're busy with the kids.Copy !req
673. Just— Well, I don't know.
Put on a movie or something.Copy !req
674. It's fine. No, never mind.
I just— It was nothing.Copy !req
675. Yeah, I'll— I will talk to you tomorrow.Copy !req
676. That'll be $300.
I'll see you again tomorrow. Bye!Copy !req