Crazy Ex-Girlfriend 2x6

1. Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...

2. So, you and V are good now? Yeah.

3. I always knew I kinda liked you. You're basic but in an enjoyable way.

4. - So you're hanging out with— - Uh, yeah.

5. - Yeah, they're kinda like my bitches now. - I'm Sunil Odav.

6. This is kind of embarrassing, but you two are wearing the same bracelet.

7. Yeah, they're friendship bracelets.

8. Oh! Oh, oh, okay.

9. Uh, I gotta go.

10. You did not see his face when he left my apartment that day.

11. I was dead to him. Like, he didn't want to spend any more time with me.

12. I promise you, I'm gonna fix this.

13. All we need is some random guy

14. who went to Harvard at the same time you did and lives in Los Angeles.

15. Ooh! Trent. Oh, that's a perfect name for a fake boyfriend.

16. Trent! Baby!

17. - Are you gonna kill me? - No! Why would I kill you? I love you.

18. - This isn't happening. - Right.

19. You're not— We're not gonna have a relationship.

20. Blam!

21. Four pairs of flip-flops, two pairs of water shoes,

22. three skateboards, a bamboo epoxy surfboard,

23. rainbow board shorts, shark board shorts, and rubber ducky board shots.

24. And then we've got the hoodies, the cropped hoodies,

25. the sleeveless hoodies, and then just some plain hoods.

26. And with the eight pairs of sunglasses,

27. the waterproof dive watch and Swimming For Idiots,

28. that comes to $10,312.93.

29. Thank you, sir.

30. Please, call me "bro."

31. - Planning a big surfing trip, bro? - No, I hate the ocean.

32. I'm so scared of water, I spot wash in the shower.

33. I almost drowned in a pool when I was little.

34. I'm just in town to infiltrate, or should I say "in-chill-trate,"

35. a certain bro friend group.

36. It's part one of a 42-point plan that I call "The Bunch Inception."

37. And it starts with me getting in with this group of dudes.

38. Well, if you ask me, forcing friendships never works.

39. Oh, and if you ask me, I didn't ask you, surf shop lady.

40. Dude, move up. Quit texting your new girlfriend.

41. Um, Anna is not my new girlfriend.

42. We've only been out on three amazing dates.

43. You were single for a brutal 11 minutes. I'm glad you finally found somebody.

44. Hey! Sorry, guys. It's finals. New policy.

45. A hundred and fifty bucks for a table. Fifty bucks for the bar.

46. It's like Vegas. Models and bottles.

47. - A cover charge? At Home Base? - Look, I love you, guys.

48. I appreciate your masculine bonhomie, but times are tough.

49. Finals are my moneymaker.

50. - Oh, come on! Kevin, just this once? - And also, tomorrow night?

51. And also, always until the finals are over?

52. Look, if you can't afford it, please just go.

53. I can't stand seeing the sadness in your eyes. It hurts my heart.

54. - All right. - I thought we were boys.

55. Oh, my God, I lurve having someone to go to the bathroom with. Stall sisters!

56. That's sweet, but next time when you gotta go number two, close the door, okay?

57. Uh, okay, but just so you know, like, when I disarm the whole security system,

58. it's like the backdoor unlocks with the front.

59. - Know what I'm sayin'? - You talk about pooping a lot.

60. - What up, thirsty hoes? - Hey! Oh, my God!

61. Heather, thank you for snagging us the best table in the place.

62. Yeah, my girl Heath hooked us up for the finals of something.

63. Ladies, if I may have permission to be just a wee bit hyperbolic for a second.

64. I've had the best time hanging out with the both of you.

65. Like, I think it's official that we're a squad, right?

66. We're like Sotomayor, Bader Ginsburg, and Kagan.

67. - Um, yeah. - Yeah.

68. This is so cool. I've never been part of a girl group like this.

69. If peeing together is fun, I can't wait for the next activities.

70. Squee!

71. Yeah, I've also never had a girl group,

72. and that's 'cause studies show that women tend to be indirect communicators

73. and I'm too direct.

74. Speaking of which, here is a mint

75. because your breath doesn't smell, like, amazing.

76. Oh...

77. Look at that. Look at how you helped her.

78. You know what? When we stick together,

79. I'm pretty convinced there's nothing we can't do.

80. Like, I don't know. We could just take over the world.

81. Totally.

82. Oh, my God. I didn't tell you. - What?

83. My name is actually Maria. I have to tell everyone this.

84. You have now entered the world of the Best Friend Squad.

85. And when you have friends that are this best, you feel unstoppable.

86. Unstoppable. So prepare to surrender to the power of friendship.

87. 'Cause we're gonna take over the world.

88. Like, actually— We are actually going to take over the world.

89. Well, just— just look over there.

90. Aw, I love Hocus Pocus.

91. - Okay, everyone in for a selfie? - Yes.

92. Here we go. Ready? Chin down. Pucker. Mm.

93. I think that was good. Let's approve it, yeah?

94. Approved.

95. - Yeah, I love the signing. - Yeah.

96. - Yeah, it was solid. - What filter?

97. - Um, Valencia. - Valencia.

98. Oh! Duh!

99. - So this is your girl group, huh? - Oh, yeah, that's us.

100. And we spelled girl with a "U." Isn't that cute?

101. - Really cute. - That seems a bit exclusion-y.

102. I mean, since you do have other close friends.

103. Oh, wait, Darryl, are you talking about Paula?

104. Yes, and others.

105. Oh, Darryl, come on, don't start.

106. There might also be other others who would enjoy being included.

107. Maya, don't start.

108. Darryl, you don't— you don't think that Paula feels left out by that photo, right?

109. She doesn't feel like I've replaced her.

110. Well, I can't speak for Paula,

111. but getting back to the others that might be hurt by this photo—

112. OMG. I think you're right.

113. Look at— Look at her. Look how sad she is. She totally feels left out.

114. God, what am I doing? What am I doing? I've completely broken her heart.

115. I'm— I'm a complete monster. After everything she's done for me.

116. Okay. Okay, okay. I can still fix this.

117. I can totally fix this because all I have to do is blend my old friend

118. somehow into my new friends, like some sort of friend jambalaya.

119. Well, why don't you just invite Paula and your new friends

120. and any really cool co-workers that you have

121. and just take them on a little soirée?

122. - No. - And then boom...

123. you've got a spicy friend-y stew.

124. No, Darryl, I love you, but that will never work, okay?

125. You just can't glom a bunch of girls together who have nothing in common.

126. It'll feel gross and forced. Ew.

127. No, what I have to do is make it spontaneous and surprising,

128. like, "Oh, look who happens to be here.

129. You happen to be here, you happen to be here.

130. What a fun, spontaneous, not forced blend of Rebecca's friends."

131. - And how are you gonna do that? - I don't know, Darryl.

132. - Just stop starting. - Fine.

133. Word on the street is, you have a super fun girl group.

134. Girl with a "U." Sassy.

135. I know something really fun that all girl groups love.

136. Naughty toy parties.

137. My fabulous friend, Angelique, throws them.

138. She is such a character. The girls have the best time.

139. She brings everyone together, all different types of girls.

140. Think about it.

141. Rah! Peanut monster!

142. Oh, oh. I'm sorry. I-I thought you were my boss.

143. Oh, all good, bro. I think I'm lost.

144. Someone up front told me there's a bathroom back here somewhere?

145. Oh, yeah. It's, um... It's right around the corner. Wait, don't I know you?

146. Oh, I don't know. Do you hang ten at the beach?

147. Totally. Hold up. I do know you.

148. You're the guy who was dating Rebecca. You had a cool name?

149. Oh, it's Trent. You take out the T, it's Rent.

150. You take out the R, it's Tent. It's an easy way to remember it, you know?

151. - And you're... Josh, right? - Yeah.

152. Wait, uh, don't you live in L.A.? How come you're all the way out here?

153. Oh, I've been doing some tech consulting in Azusa.

154. So, lately, I've just been chilling in the San Gabes Vals.

155. "San Gabes Vals." Dope. Stealing that.

156. All yours, bro. I'll see you around town, okay?

157. You gonna be at Home Base on Friday for the playoffs?

158. I wanna, but they priced me out.

159. Bummer, man.

160. Actually, you know what?

161. I just bought a table for me and some clients on my expense account.

162. There's still room if you want to join.

163. I mean, I don't want to force anything because if you ask me, that never works.

164. Can I bring my friends? Since it's on your expensive account?

165. Absolutely, Broheemus Maximus. I'll see you there.

166. Cool, cool.

167. Oh, hey, on your way out, would you send my boss Alex back here?

168. But don't tell him why. A'ight?

169. A'ight.

170. Hey, Paulsy. Oh, no. That sounds wrong.

171. I was wondering if you wanted some of my croistazzanut?

172. It's a croissant, a donut, and pizza.

173. Oh. Oh, no, that's okay, honey.

174. I'm not hungry. You know, a lot of things going on. Got a big test coming up. Torts.

175. - You know how it is. You get it. - Yeah. Um, hey.

176. So, I was wondering what you're up to on Friday night,

177. um, 'cause I was thinking you could come over, see my new house.

178. - We've been working real hard on it. - Oh. Oh, that sounds really great,

179. but, I mean, I've got— I've got the Torts test, so—

180. - Okay. - I mean, you know...

181. But here's the thing.

182. I really miss you, and I want you to be a part of my life and see everything.

183. I want to take you and all the other wonderful things in my life

184. and just smoosh them together.

185. Well, I mean, it does— it does sound really nice, actually.

186. Yeah?

187. I would love to see your new house. So, yeah, all right.

188. Oh, yay! Yay! Okay. Great.

189. Hey, so, tell your friend Angelique we are on for Friday night.

190. - I'm throwing a sex toy party. - You got it.

191. And just to be clear, you're not invited.

192. - You got it. - Okay.

193. We have to remember that federal courts in diversity actions

194. apply the substantive law of the state in which they—

195. Let's just say the word. Rebecca is needy.

196. She's MIA and now snaps her fingers and you just come running?

197. - Wow, you really don't want to study. - I'm just trying to help you out.

198. You're the one who's jeopardizing your Torts test

199. by spending time with your woman child.

200. Oh, and you haven't even told her about the decision you made, and everything.

201. Yeah, well, you know, it's not easy to wedge an abortion in a conversation.

202. You just did it.

203. She is making time for me and I'm happy about it.

204. And I will try to tell her. I will.

205. It's just— You know, it's hard to tell people about serious stuff sometimes.

206. I mean, you know. Wasn't it hard for you to tell people about your wife's suicide?

207. I didn't have to. She left a note on Facebook.

208. And this was before all those different "like" options,

209. so people didn't know what to do.

210. Okay, so let me give you the grand tour—

211. - Yes. - ... of the new place.

212. Okay, so over here is my bedroom. That's Heather's bedroom over there.

213. Bathroom. And this is our kitchen with brand-new appliances.

214. Oh... You have an islet. What are you, a Rockefeller?

215. - I know, right? - Oh, my God.

216. It's so cool. Um, over here is our kitchen table for food

217. and heated discourse.

218. And so, yeah, the whole place is completely renovated,

219. so it's basically, like, new.

220. Whoa! Wow!

221. Okay, it's not that— I mean, it's— Yeah, it's just paint, so—

222. I know this place.

223. This is where all those people were murder—

224. Look at those sconces!

225. Oh, yeah. Nice, right?

226. So nice.

227. Honey, I am so proud of you. Oh...

228. And you know what? I am really glad that we finally have the time

229. to just put our feet up and, you know, have a nice long chat,

230. just like we used to.

231. Um, so chatting is fun, but you know what else is fun?

232. No.

233. - What up, biotch? - We got the T-shirts.

234. Yeah! Rebecca, we got you a medium.

235. I wanted to get you a large because of your massive boobs, but...

236. Introducing the newest member of our girl group, Pa-Pa-Pa-Paula.

237. Hey, Rebecca. I'm gonna infiltrate your guy friend group tonight.

238. So, when, at a future time, you see me chilling with them,

239. you'll think, "He's so normal. I'm in love."

240. Crap! My back!

241. Slap, clasp, pull, hit the back.

242. You can do this because you're the best.

243. All right. Um, we're not on— Hey, Trent!

244. Hey, uh, it's cool. They're with me. They're with me.

245. Yeah.

246. Slap, clasp, pull, hit the back.

247. - That's how we do it. - Cool.

248. Well, these are my boys.

249. - What's up Hector and White Josh? - How'd you know our names?

250. Yeah. Have we met?

251. Oh, um...

252. I called you "White Josh"

253. because you're a white person who looks like Josh.

254. And, obviously, I called you "Hector" because...

255. I'm racist.

256. Yeah, that's right.

257. We got the table to ourselves for the momento, bromentos.

258. My clients won't be here for a minute.

259. You sure it's still chill that we chill?

260. Dude, of course, it's still chill that we chill.

261. First, second, and third rounds are on me.

262. Oh!

263. - Yeah. - Let's do this.

264. - Okay. Yeah. - Whoo!

265. Okay. That looks great.

266. Paula, I'm really sorry that I didn't have a blank T-shirt to work with,

267. and I had to write on the back, but I think it looks great.

268. What T-shirt is that? What T-shirt is that? Remind me.

269. Oh, the Breast Cancer Rock and Roll Walk-Run 5K Parsippany, New Jersey.

270. That's a great cause. Great organization.

271. Sorry, I didn't make you a shirt, Paula. I don't know how these girl groups work.

272. - Did I do something wrong? - No, you didn't. You're doing great.

273. What happened was, Rebecca didn't tell us Paula was coming,

274. or tell Paula we would be here.

275. - It's weird. - Okay.

276. There's that endearing honesty.

277. Okay. Who wants cocktails?

278. Hey, honey.

279. Um, I-I don't mean to be a wet blanket, but, you know,

280. I just thought that tonight was gonna be just us,

281. and, you know, it's just— I have so much studying to do.

282. - I have to— - No, no, no.

283. Let me cut you off right there. Please don't leave. Please don't leave.

284. It's... It's so important to me that you be here, okay?

285. And I know why you're a little weirded out.

286. I didn't tell you that they'd be here because I knew you'd make your face.

287. That face. Just give me an hour. One hour, okay?

288. And if we're not all, like, totally blood sisters by then, you can leave.

289. No hard feelings. Okay?

290. - Okay, okay. - Great! Okay, great.

291. All right. Hi.

292. Who's ready to slightly poison their bodies

293. and create an artificial sense of warmth and well-being?

294. Yeah, isn't this great?

295. I don't know. Paula seems a little uncomfortable.

296. Yeah! Okay. Let's just all take a selfie. Take a selfie. Let's take a selfie.

297. - Okay. - Let's do it.

298. Everyone get in. Chin down.

299. - Okay. - Okay, poker face.

300. - All right. Paula— - Paula, just go—

301. - Find your lens, Paula. - I can't—

302. Only your boob is in the lens.

303. Okay, you know what? Here! And smile. Done.

304. It's good.

305. - You saw it too, huh? - What? No. What?

306. Another girl squad photo. I'm so sad.

307. I want to be gal pals with Rebecca. She makes me think women can have it all.

308. Hey, Maya, has anyone ever told you

309. that your voice sounds like a mouse with throat cancer

310. talking into a little, tiny mouse voice box?

311. - Do you get that a lot? - What? No.

312. I've never heard that before, but I'm sorry.

313. I didn't mean to bother you.

314. I'm just really sad that I'm not at Rebecca's house for the fun party.

315. Sweetheart, listen to me. You can't force a friendship.

316. Everyone knows that.

317. But what if you and I team up and we find a way into that party?

318. Me team up with you?

319. That's just ridiculous. I would have to be pretty desperate.

320. What'd you have in mind?

321. Nothing yet.

322. Okay. So, to refresh, it goes...

323. Do you like it? I-I-I made it up in the shower this morning.

324. I really think it could be the new "John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt."

325. Okay, you want to try it with me?

326. Paula! You put your own spin on it and that's fun.

327. - Thank God.

328. Ladies, get ready because I have a surprise for you.

329. I think you're really gonna like it. Paula, you especially.

330. Strap yourselves in for the naughtiest ride of your life.

331. Ladies and... ladies, may I present to you...

332. Angelique.

333. Oh, God! I gotta be friends with Karen, too?

334. Karen, what are you doing here? Where's— Where's your friend, Angelique?

335. Karen? Who is Karen?

336. Je suis Angelique.

337. - Yes, yes, come on. Yes. - Yes, yes, come on. Yes.

338. - Come on, defense. - Come on, defense.

339. - God, I'm hungry. - God, I'm hungry.

340. So, what are we doing after this, guys?

341. Aren't you going to be hanging with your clients?

342. What? No. I just got a text.

343. - They're dead. - Uh, what?

344. To me.

345. Classic Trent. Just joking around.

346. They're dead to me because they bailed on me.

347. But we would never do that to each other, right?

348. I mean, bros for life. You hungry, Hector?

349. Hector, you're hungry. Um, what do you want?

350. Chicken wings? Everyone want a chicken wing? Yeah?

351. What I'm gonna do right now is get us a basket full of four chicken wings.

352. Okay. Four chicken wings for my friends.

353. Love the free stuff, but this is not worth it.

354. Yeah, he is real strange. Pretty sure he murdered those clients.

355. Ha! Sorry. Just— Anna texted me a picture of a cat dressed up like a dog.

356. Where does she find this stuff?

357. Okay, so we're looking for something that says we're fun

358. and that we're gonna bring the party up a notch!

359. So, what can we bring? Hmm? No, there are no bad ideas.

360. This is a safe space.

361. - We could bring a pineapple. - A pineapple!

362. You want us to show up at a party with a damn pineapple?

363. Well, you didn't let me finish.

364. I read this cool thing where you take the pineapple

365. and you soak it in rum overnight—

366. Oh, shoot.

367. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

368. This is a particularly naughty little device.

369. Ta-da!

370. - Is that a claw? - Yes.

371. - And a drainage hose? - Oui.

372. - And those are suction cups? - Oui, oui.

373. Looks like Rube Goldberg got naughty, am I right?

374. It's held on to your special area with a small machine washable belt.

375. You walk around with it all day long.

376. No one knows.

377. - Mmm? - Then, around midday,

378. your hubby gives you a little remote zippity-zap.

379. Ka-blow!

380. You just clapped your monkey in the middle of a business meeting.

381. Oh, I'm sorry, work superior,

382. but my badass hubby just made me kablookie in my pantsuit.

383. Everyone knows what I'm talking about, right?

384. Wait. Are you—? Wait, what? Are you listening?

385. No, I'm just— I'm texting Scott about the kids.

386. Okay, okay.

387. And the best part, it's only $175.

388. Hmm...

389. And it's made in America. Here, touch.

390. Oh, no.

391. You have my consent. Touch it.

392. Here. Touch it, touch it. Touch it!

393. - Okay. - Wait, wait. You're not leaving, are you?

394. No, no, I'm just— I'm going to pee.

395. Okay, because the products are actually really good quality.

396. Okay.

397. Once it's locked onto the cervix, that's when the fun really starts.

398. It may take a few minutes, but you just have to dig around.

399. - Time out. Guys, Karen— - Je suis Angelique.

400. Fine. Paula's not having enough fun, okay?

401. She's not blending seamlessly into our group.

402. We need to include her more in our Friendtopia.

403. Friendtatership? No, I prefer Friendtopia.

404. She just doesn't want to be part of the group.

405. You shouldn't, like, force it.

406. I'm not forcing. I'm aggressively facilitating.

407. - She needs our help. Help!

408. Do you hear that?

409. She is literally calling for female group solidarity.

410. - I will be right there. - The lock is jammed!

411. - I can't get out! I'm stuck! Help! - Okay. Stand back.

412. Girl group to the rescue! Zig-a-zow!

413. Oh, geez.

414. Get me out of here.

415. I am trying.

416. Gross.

417. - Shh, I'm on the phone. - Sorry.

418. So, I was thinking, what about a weekend away, right?

419. Like a bro surf weekend? Whatever you guys are into.

420. You guys roller skate?

421. Psych. I know it's not cool.

422. I've grown out of it. Look, blades though, right?

423. And jackets with wings because— wait for it...

424. we are the Chicken Wing Boys.

425. Ca-caw!

426. - Okay, I'm done. - Yeah, I'm out too.

427. But wait, you can't leave. The game's not even in its last part.

428. We'll just listen to it on the radio in the car, or anywhere else. Come on.

429. She called me "boo." She called me "boo"! I'm so in!

430. - Come on, boo! - Ow!

431. Thanks for all the free stuff, Tent— I mean, uh, Rent.

432. Uh... honestly, man, it makes it harder.

433. Wait, wait! Bros, stay, chill!

434. My boos!

435. Guys, I really need to sell something. At least, buy some lube.

436. It's great.

437. I even use it as hand lotion, which is why I'm always dropping things,

438. and it's edible.

439. Oh! Oh, God, Karen.

440. You know what? I'm out of here.

441. You guys are cheapskates and you are not fun.

442. Au revoir, losers.

443. Paula. Paula, I'm so sorry.

444. I'm so sorry about the beam, about Karen, everything.

445. But the fire department is on its way, okay?

446. Um, if you get hungry, there's a Snickers in that medicine cabinet.

447. It's my bath Snickers, and I'll text Scott and tell him what's happened.

448. - Okay. - Um...

449. I don't have his number. Uh, okay, I'll text him from your phone.

450. No, you— Hey, don't— I'll just text him when I get out of here, so...

451. No, it's fine.

452. No, no, no, no, no! Hey, just don't worry about it!

453. Just put my phone down!

454. It feels like Paula is trying to hide something from Rebecca

455. that is on her phone.

456. Is this part of what girls do?

457. - Should I be giggling? - No.

458. I'm definitely gonna look at your phone now, Paula.

459. Luckily, I know your passcode.

460. My God, I've got to change my privacy settings. Just stop!

461. Hey, ladies, do you want to know why Paula didn't want me to look at her phone?

462. This is actually really funny. Um...

463. So, Paula texted her friend from law school, Sunil,

464. uh, quote, "Help! I'm having the worst night of my life!" end quote.

465. Okay, Rebecca, you put that phone down because you are violating

466. the 2012 California Electronic Privacy Act!

467. Oh, ba-ba-ba! Sorry, there's actually— There's more.

468. This part's, like— This is when it gets really funny.

469. Um, she then says for him to come rescue her,

470. and then— "Quick, make up some story to get me the hell out of here."

471. - No. - No? Hmm.

472. Texts like these, like bitchy texts— you used to send these to me.

473. You know, Paula, I was agonizing

474. over whether or not you'd felt like I'd replaced you...

475. but now, I realize I'm the one who's been replaced.

476. And, you know, you never even gave this night a chance.

477. You never even tried.

478. Surf shop woman. Super small world, the San Gabes Vals.

479. Hey, yeah. How did your bro plan work out?

480. It didn't. You were right.

481. Forcing friendships is stupid.

482. And now, the girl that I love will never have a chance to love me back.

483. Oh, my God! Oh! You were doing this for a girl?

484. Sweetie, why didn't you tell me that?

485. That is so nice.

486. I'm gonna cry.

487. Really? You think it's sweet?

488. Forcing friendships is weird, but forcing love is so romantic.

489. You've got to force love. Everybody knows that.

490. Look at Prince Charming. He made a whole country try on a shoe.

491. So, where is she? The girl that you love?

492. I don't know. Probably at home.

493. Then what are you doing here? Go to her now! Run!

494. - Are you sure? - Yeah, go!

495. - Okay. All right. - Go get your Cinderella!

496. So, you couldn't even tell me to my face that you wanted to leave? Great.

497. - Um, I'll get it.

498. Oh, wonder who that is. Hmm?

499. Hi. Is Paula here? I'm Sunil, Paula's friend.

500. Paula, the dude you sent those mean texts to about us is here.

501. Yes! I have to tell her something.

502. You won't believe what happened.

503. I can barely catch my breath.

504. I just came to tell Paula that Timmy— Tommy stepped on a nail

505. and has tetanus already and has to be hospitalized.

506. So, that wasn't even almost a good lie.

507. Um, you sound like you're playing Pepper in a road company of Annie.

508. Excuse me, I have a degree in theater.

509. If you did, you would know that a road company, AKA national tour,

510. is a very sought after engagement.

511. Rebecca, I am so sorry.

512. - Paula! What happened? - Later!

513. You know what? Don't apologize to me, Paula.

514. 'Cause when the firemen get here and get you out,

515. you won't have to be friends with me anymore.

516. We could dress like caterers.

517. No, and do you want me to give you a list of the reasons why that's not gonna work?

518. I can't do this anymore. I'm exhausted.

519. Exhausted? We have a mission. Show a little grit.

520. What are you, a man or a mouse, huh? Well, I know the answer to that.

521. I see your little mouse paws. "Oh, I'm nocturnal, but I'm still tired."

522. Darryl, stop it. Okay? I've had enough of you bullying me.

523. You've done it ever since I got here. I'm nice, I work hard, and I'm smart.

524. The fact that my boss picks on me is making me worse at my job

525. and negatively impacting my health.

526. You've created a hostile work environment.

527. Oh, I mean, I was just teasing.

528. No, you weren't. You don't like me and I want to know why.

529. Well, I don't know. I don't know.

530. Yes, I do know.

531. Because you remind me of somebody I'm very uncomfortable with.

532. Me, myself, and I.

533. Really?

534. You're overeager, desperate to be included,

535. forcing yourself on people, and I don't like that about myself.

536. And when I see it on someone else, I find it even more repulsive.

537. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

538. Look, it's not your fault, I swear.

539. Whatever your next idea is, that's what we're gonna do.

540. Do you mean it? 'Cause this one's really good.

541. Sorry. I haven't worked out since birth, so this isn't gonna work.

542. Somebody get me out of here.

543. - Maybe if we all work together. Yeah.

544. Oh! So, now, you want everyone to be together and do together things?

545. Well, the firemen are here, Paula, so your wish is granted. You can leave.

546. Trent?

547. - Rebecca, I'm here.

548. I am here to tell you how I feel about you...

549. and I'm not gonna wait another minute.

550. Trent, you weirdo face, put me down!

551. You just scooped me up like I was a basket of muffins, but put me down!

552. - What are you doing here? - I'm here to make you try on a shoe.

553. Dude, what?

554. Keep talking, guys. Still stuck in the bathroom.

555. - Oh, God. - Wait, what's the problem?

556. Well, Paula's stuck in there,

557. and we've been waiting for the fireman for, like, a long time.

558. - Typical girl group stuff, right? - No.

559. There's no need for a fireman. Step aside, ladies.

560. We're not in your way.

561. - You've just got to force it. - Whoa.

562. - Here, here, here, here! - Oh, oh.

563. I got you, I got you.

564. See, you can force construction stuff but not, like, friend stuff.

565. Wow. Okay, so Trent's here. Why is Trent here? You know what?

566. Don't tell me. Just whatever nonsense is going on between the two of you now,

567. I just— I don't want to know. Come on, Sunil.

568. Yes, we have to go get Tommy before he's killed with tetanus.

569. No, no, no, you are not leaving. We need to talk.

570. You have been rude to me and everybody here this whole night.

571. And it really makes me angry because I did this all for you.

572. You did all this for me?

573. I sensed that you were feeling left out of my friend group

574. and so I wanted to include you.

575. No, uh, you just wanted to feel better about abandoning our friendship.

576. You moved on from us, as friends, which is fine, but just admit it.

577. So, I moved on from you?

578. What's going on with, uh, your palsy-walsiness

579. with daughter number five from Fiddler?

580. She has a name. It's Bielke. She's a principal character.

581. Why is he always talking about his theater major?

582. - Because— - I know many theater majors!

583. They don't bring it up! They just are!

584. Also, you want to talk Fiddler sisters, bro?

585. We got Tzeitel, Hodel, Chava, Shprintze, and I'm not a theater major.

586. I've just seen the show a couple times.

587. - No one cares! - He does.

588. Hey, Rebecca, for the past few months,

589. every time I wanted to talk to you, you were too busy for me.

590. Uh-uh, no, that's not true. That's not true. That's not true.

591. I spent hours on that letter of recommendation for you.

592. Yes, and when did you give it to me? When did you put it in my hand?

593. After the deadline.

594. But... You said it was really good.

595. That's like saying, "Birthday cake is better the next day."

596. Which it famously is!

597. Admit it. Our relationship has always been one-sided.

598. I give, you take, and that is how it works.

599. That's not fair. That's not fair. That hurts me.

600. You've never been there for me when I need you.

601. Yes, I have been. Just the other day, I came to your house,

602. when you were sick with the flu, or whatever.

603. - You didn't tell me what it was. - The flu? I had an abortion.

604. - Oh, my God.

605. You had an abortion?

606. Yes. Yes, I did.

607. - You didn't tell me? - No, I did not.

608. She wanted to tell you many times—

609. So, Kenickie's understudy there knows? You told him?

610. - Okay. - You've known him for, like, three days!

611. Yeah, you know what? And he listens to me.

612. I listen to you. I would've listened to you.

613. You just didn't give me the chance.

614. I was— I was sitting there.

615. I was sitting there on the edge of your bed...

616. and you said nothing.

617. I mean, I asked you. I asked you point blank if anything was wrong.

618. You didn't really mean it.

619. - Yes, I did. Yes, I did. - No, you didn't.

620. This is the problem. You never give me the chance. You never give me the chance.

621. You never ask for my support with your abortion,

622. or anything else in your life.

623. I shouldn't have to ask!

624. - The firemen are here.

625. - The emergency's over. Is it?

626. I think the dance emergency has just begun!

627. Do firemen just not come to this house?

628. Who? What about that dance? That was pretty awesome, right?

629. It's so super easy to learn. You'll see.

630. Okay. Now, Maya and I— we're gonna split you into two groups,

631. so everybody count off, "one-two, one-two, one-two."

632. What, no takers?

633. Hey...

634. Isn't this the house where all those drug dealers were murdered?

635. Marble countertops! Cool!

636. What were you guys talking about?

637. - Come in.

638. Hey. I just wanted to say good-bye. I'm leaving and I'm sorry.

639. I tried to force things.

640. First friendship, and then love,

641. and now, I know that forcing things doesn't work.

642. Yeah, I feel that.

643. And now, I know that, apparently,

644. horrifying things have happened in this house

645. and I had no idea.

646. Listen, Trent, I appreciate you Schwarzenegger-ing out back there.

647. But what are you doing here? I haven't seen you in months.

648. Well, I found out that you broke up with Greg and Josh,

649. and so you were finally a free agent.

650. I hacked your texts and your e-mails.

651. Oh. Wow. Okay.

652. Yeah, I'm sorry about that, too. Um, good-bye.

653. Wait.

654. - Are you clean? - Yeah, I spot washed this morning.

655. What? No, I meant, do you have any diseases? Like, the big ones?

656. No, I just got a physical. My body is perfect.

657. Great. Wanna have sex?

658. Are you kidding?

659. Well, I mean, I'm bored, I got nothing to do,

660. and plus, it might cheer me up, so...

661. Are you in?

662. - Yes, please. - Okay. Hey, hey, hey.

663. Just to be clear though, I don't want to see you again after this.

664. - Understood? - Understood.

665. Okay, what?

666. - Can I kiss your mouth? - Yes. Mm.

667. So, can you show us in person? 'Cause I watched online, like, 50 times,

668. and I just— I keep messing it up, and everyone's doing it at every party.

669. Oh, yeah. That's how you get to 1,800 views!

670. - So many. So, does it have a name? - Oh, yeah, it's got a name.

671. It's, uh...

672. It's called "The Maya."

673. Hit it, M-Dog.

674. - Five, six, seven, eight.

675. Wow!

676. Trent, I gotta say, um...

677. that was amazing.

678. You're, um...

679. You're really good at... at everything, actually.

680. I mean, you're just so patient. Thank you.

681. No, it is I who should thank you...

682. for taking my virginity.

683. No, no, I... No, no, I didn't.

684. Yes, you did.

685. Do you want to take it again?

686. Eh, okay.

687. No, no, no, no. You gotta pay the toll first, buddy.

688. Come on, there we go.

689. This is my favorite.