1. Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...Copy !req
2. - This is Valencia. My girlfriend.
- Hi.Copy !req
3. And exhale on an "ah..."
Hey, do you want to go grab,Copy !req
4. - like, a coffee with me?
- Why would you want to do that?Copy !req
5. Look, I get what
you're doing with this girl.Copy !req
6. You befriend the enemy and you
get more face time with Josh.Copy !req
7. I'm so glad you moved here, Becks.Copy !req
8. I don't know what you're trying to do,Copy !req
9. or why you pretended to be my friend,Copy !req
10. but stay away from meCopy !req
11. and my Josh.Copy !req
12. I am attracted to you.Copy !req
13. Very,Copy !req
14. very attracted to you.Copy !req
15. So he said "attracted,"Copy !req
16. but then he paused,Copy !req
17. and he said "very attracted."Copy !req
18. You mentioned that. Okay, I mentioned itCopy !req
19. because it's the "very," alright?Copy !req
20. That's the wild card.Copy !req
21. "Very" is a very important
word in this, right?Copy !req
22. Think about it. You guys have
a drink called Very Berry Blast.Copy !req
23. I mean... I'm assumingCopy !req
24. that the "very" means something. Right?Copy !req
25. Uh, we don't name 'em. They
just come from corporate.Copy !req
26. Okay, but that's-that's just beside...Copy !req
27. beside the point.Copy !req
28. Maybe Josh was just trying to be nice,Copy !req
29. like kind of...Copy !req
30. blowing you off?Copy !req
31. What?Copy !req
32. No, no.Copy !req
33. Come on... no.Copy !req
34. You do talk about him a lot.Copy !req
35. What is the history with you two?Copy !req
36. That's a sexist term.Copy !req
37. Can you guys stop
singing for just a second?Copy !req
38. The situation's a lot
more nuanced than that.Copy !req
39. Okay! We get it!Copy !req
40. — Synced and corrected by ChrisKe —
— www.addic7ed.com —Copy !req
41. Look, maybe the reason
I haven't heard from JoshCopy !req
42. is what he said.Copy !req
43. It's that he's very attracted to me.Copy !req
44. You know, it's like...Copy !req
45. like, even if our arms brush,Copy !req
46. he gets a little tingle down there.Copy !req
47. - Hi, Becks!
- OhhhhCopy !req
48. Hey, hey, man.Copy !req
49. Wow, I haven'tCopy !req
50. seen you, uh, in what, four days?Copy !req
51. Yeah, I'm very sorry.Copy !req
52. Very?Copy !req
53. I've been very M.I.A.Copy !req
54. With the holidays, I'm very slammed.Copy !req
55. There is very much traffic today.Copy !req
56. That's funny.Copy !req
57. So "very" is just your go-to adverb.Copy !req
58. That's...Copy !req
59. Uh... uh, nothing.Copy !req
60. So you were saying?Copy !req
61. Yeah, we host Thanksgiving at our houseCopy !req
62. and we got cousins and
aunts and uncles pouring inCopy !req
63. from Temecula, Glendale, San Mateo...Copy !req
64. - Oh, wow.
- Oh, Rancho Cucamonga,Copy !req
65. Stockton, Pismo Beach,Copy !req
66. Solvang, Victorville...Copy !req
67. How about you?Copy !req
68. Well, I'm just gonna... I forgot the M's.Copy !req
69. Uh, Modesto, Monrovia,Copy !req
70. Mendocino, and that's it.Copy !req
71. What are you doing for Thanksgiving?Copy !req
72. Oh, bleh...Copy !req
73. I just go to the East Coast,
to Scarsdale with my momCopy !req
74. and we watch the World Dog Awards.Copy !req
75. Oh! And?Copy !req
76. We just roll some
Craisins in turkey slices,Copy !req
77. make little logs,Copy !req
78. - and body-shame some puppies.
- Cool!Copy !req
79. Most important thing, I guess,Copy !req
80. is that you'll be with family.Copy !req
81. You know, where you belong.Copy !req
82. Yeah.Copy !req
83. Yeah, where I...Copy !req
84. where I belong.Copy !req
85. And I put the boba on
the side for Aunt Dhori.Copy !req
86. We know she likes to
pop 'em with her hand.Copy !req
87. Thanks, guys. Have the best
Thanksgiving, Becks.Copy !req
88. Give your mother my very best.Copy !req
89. See you guys!Copy !req
90. - Have a good one.
- Peace!Copy !req
91. Very peace!Copy !req
92. Okay, everybody ready?Copy !req
93. - Say "cheese."
- Cheese.Copy !req
94. That's good.Copy !req
95. Everyone belongs somewhere but me.Copy !req
96. That's silly, honey.Copy !req
97. You've got family back home in New York.Copy !req
98. I mean, not really.Copy !req
99. My dad bailed, my mom's a misery,Copy !req
100. I ate my twin in the womb.Copy !req
101. I really don't want to
go home for the holiday.Copy !req
102. It's the last place I want to be.Copy !req
103. Like I said, you are more than welcomeCopy !req
104. to my apocalypse of a Thanksgiving.Copy !req
105. Yeah... I mean, pull up a chairCopy !req
106. and enjoy Scott's racist uncle.Copy !req
107. You ate your twin?Copy !req
108. I mean, medically
speaking, I didn't "eat" it,Copy !req
109. I just metabolized its
body parts for my own use.Copy !req
110. Why don't you ask Josh if you can goCopy !req
111. to his house for Thanksgiving?Copy !req
112. He said he's "very attracted" to you,Copy !req
113. and we know what that means.Copy !req
114. Oh, God, don't even get me started.Copy !req
115. I don't even know what that means anymore.Copy !req
116. I do.Copy !req
117. A guy says something like that,Copy !req
118. it means his current relationshipCopy !req
119. is about ready to bite the dust.Copy !req
120. He's putting out feelers.Copy !req
121. If you could go to his
house for the holiday...Copy !req
122. I mean, would I like to go to the Chan's?Copy !req
123. Would I like to be surroundedCopy !req
124. by the unconditional love
of a hundred Filipinos?Copy !req
125. Of course I would.Copy !req
126. Tell us the story!Copy !req
127. The library book story! Again?Copy !req
128. Well, no, I couldn't possibly.Copy !req
129. Library book story!Copy !req
130. Library book story!Copy !req
131. Library book story! Library book story!Copy !req
132. Please, Miss Rebecca, just one more time.Copy !req
133. The library book story.Copy !req
134. But you know it by heart by now.Copy !req
135. Well, all right.Copy !req
136. But if Josh was going to invite me,Copy !req
137. he would've asked and he didn't,Copy !req
138. so just drop it.Copy !req
139. Why do you always give up so easily?Copy !req
140. Do you think Angelina
went into Mr. & Mrs. SmithCopy !req
141. with that kind of attitude?Copy !req
142. If she had, no Shiloh,Copy !req
143. no Maddox, no Vivienne...Copy !req
144. Who do you think belongs next to himCopy !req
145. and that turkey on Thursday?Copy !req
146. You or Venezuela?Copy !req
147. You know what? Thanksgiving
is a beautiful family holiday.Copy !req
148. Not gonna let you ruin
it with your scheming.Copy !req
149. Okay, okay... Let's put it this way.Copy !req
150. Say a giant boulder ran
over Josh's girlfriendCopy !req
151. and she was out of the picture.Copy !req
152. How would you feel?Copy !req
153. I mean, I'd feel terrible!Copy !req
154. Okay? A boulder would decimate herCopy !req
155. and her guts would be everywhere.Copy !req
156. Okay, wow.Copy !req
157. Rebecca,Copy !req
158. you are getting close to Josh.Copy !req
159. I can feel it.Copy !req
160. And if you could just get
into that turkey dinner,Copy !req
161. you would be set.Copy !req
162. It's the holidays, Paula.Copy !req
163. People don't always get what they want.Copy !req
164. Mr. Kincaid, you shouldn't have.Copy !req
165. Oh, you didn't.Copy !req
166. You never do.Copy !req
167. Lynne, I think that's enough.Copy !req
168. I can't have you passing
out in the bleachers again.Copy !req
169. You don't tell me what to do.Copy !req
170. Okay. Great.Copy !req
171. Good luck with that.Copy !req
172. Greg! Greg!Copy !req
173. Did you know that for ThanksgivingCopy !req
174. Chris' family makes tamales?Copy !req
175. I love it!Copy !req
176. It's an update on the corn theme.Copy !req
177. You're just full of fascinating facts.Copy !req
178. Okay, Mr. Grumpy, I thought
we were friends again.Copy !req
179. Give me that smile.Copy !req
180. There it is. Yeah.Copy !req
181. So what are you doing for
Thanksgiving? Anything special?Copy !req
182. Yep.Copy !req
183. This year everything is gonna be different.Copy !req
184. Savor that, because that's the last
drink I'm ever gonna make you.Copy !req
185. Yep, that's right.Copy !req
186. I am quitting this crappy job.Copy !req
187. As soon as this shift ends.Copy !req
188. I can't wait to walk in and
tell my boss to shove it.Copy !req
189. It's gonna be all Jerry MaguireCopy !req
190. mixed in with a little Norma Rae.Copy !req
191. Oh, yeah. Someone stole a Netflix password.Copy !req
192. Yeah, I finally saved up enough moneyCopy !req
193. to move out and to go to business school.Copy !req
194. I just have to find a
nurse for my dad first.Copy !req
195. Wow. Wait, business school?Copy !req
196. This is great. This is what you wanted.Copy !req
197. Yep. My dad's not gonna
be happy I'm moving out,Copy !req
198. but I figure I tell him
over Thanksgiving dinner,Copy !req
199. then we'll patch things upCopy !req
200. over buffalo mozzarella and prosciutto,Copy !req
201. just like they did in
the first Thanksgiving.Copy !req
202. Wait. Really?Copy !req
203. I go to public school.Copy !req
204. Obviously.Copy !req
205. This is great.Copy !req
206. This is... everything you wanted.Copy !req
207. You're moving on.Copy !req
208. It's awesome, you deserve it.Copy !req
209. I'm gonna miss you.Copy !req
210. Can I buy you a drink before you move?Copy !req
211. What's the catch?Copy !req
212. No catch. It's a free drink. You in or out?Copy !req
213. In. Hey, V.Copy !req
214. Hey, Greg. What brings you by?Copy !req
215. Oh, just picking Elena up from softball.Copy !req
216. Hey, Valencia.Copy !req
217. Hey, V-ster.
V-dog?Copy !req
218. VW? VW Bus?Copy !req
219. What-what are your plans
for Thanksgiving, Valencia?Copy !req
220. Bye, Greg.Copy !req
221. Bye, Valencia!Copy !req
222. I like your sleeveless
crocheted trench coat!Copy !req
223. Wow.Copy !req
224. You guys have such a great rapport.Copy !req
225. Yeah, she doesn't like me so much.Copy !req
226. No, she doesn't like you a lot.Copy !req
227. But to be fair,Copy !req
228. she's probably in a bad moodCopy !req
229. because it's Thanksgiving.Copy !req
230. She goes to Josh's house,
and it's tough for her.Copy !req
231. What, to bask in the warm embraceCopy !req
232. of a loving Filipino
family? Why is that tough?Copy !req
233. You don't know?Copy !req
234. The Chan's don't like Valencia.Copy !req
235. Because Asians don't like dumb people.Copy !req
236. Chris!Copy !req
237. So mildly racist.Copy !req
238. It's a problem.Copy !req
239. Every time Valencia has
to hang with the Chan's,Copy !req
240. she and Josh almost break up.Copy !req
241. I had no idea.Copy !req
242. Poor Josh.Copy !req
243. Poor Valencia, too.Copy !req
244. I can't get over it.Copy !req
245. Poor Josh. Poor Valencia.Copy !req
246. It must be awful to go
to your boyfriend's houseCopy !req
247. and just not feel like you belong.Copy !req
248. Yeah, it's really unfortunate.Copy !req
249. I've never been to this place.Copy !req
250. There's a lot of bok choyCopy !req
251. and live fish with whiskers.Copy !req
252. And all the Asians.Copy !req
253. What are you up to?Copy !req
254. Don't you understandCopy !req
255. that the tension between
Valencia and the Chan's,Copy !req
256. that's your in, that's your boulder.Copy !req
257. You are gonna crush her little bird bones.Copy !req
258. What's going on? What am I doing here?Copy !req
259. You are a parent's dream.Copy !req
260. And as soon as Josh's
parents get a look at you,Copy !req
261. they're going to fall in love.Copy !req
262. And he will follow.Copy !req
263. Okay... but how are they
going to get a look at me?Copy !req
264. I don't exactly see them around anywhere...Copy !req
265. Mrs. Chan.Copy !req
266. Oh, I get it.Copy !req
267. - I see what you did there
- Yep.Copy !req
268. Should've seen that coming.Copy !req
269. The boss is back. Look busy.Copy !req
270. Hey, Kevin.Copy !req
271. - Can I talk to you for a sec?
- Sure, what's up?Copy !req
272. I'll tell you what's up.Copy !req
273. What's up is that every
day I work in this bar,Copy !req
274. I feel like I am eating a
sandwich of bile and tears.Copy !req
275. - Ugh.
- Shh. Please.Copy !req
276. I have a thing prepared.Copy !req
277. I'm here to tell youCopy !req
278. that I've reached the Rubicon,Copy !req
279. my own personal tipping point...Copy !req
280. Nice line.Copy !req
281. You write that?Copy !req
282. Wait, are you quitting?Copy !req
283. Good for you!Copy !req
284. Kevin, please. I gotta get this out.Copy !req
285. I quit this bar!Copy !req
286. Yeah, I just said that.Copy !req
287. I quit making blended
drinks for bad tippers.Copy !req
288. I quit using a cash register
that spells mojito with an "H."Copy !req
289. I quit your terrible breath.Copy !req
290. Appreciate the feedback.Copy !req
291. I had a dental procedure.
I really should irrigateCopy !req
292. more frequently. Kevin,
you're ruining this for me.Copy !req
293. Wait, are you going
back to business school?Copy !req
294. This is fantastic!Copy !req
295. I always wondered when you were gonna!Copy !req
296. You're too good for this place.Copy !req
297. Now, bring it here.Copy !req
298. What...?Copy !req
299. Now, you, get out of here!Copy !req
300. How did you know she was here?Copy !req
301. It's best if I don't share that with you.Copy !req
302. Come on, let's go talk to her.Copy !req
303. No, I don't want to talk to her.
This is embarrassing.Copy !req
304. Paula, come on. I don't want to
make an ass of myself... oh, oh!Copy !req
305. I'm so sorry, Mrs. Chan.Copy !req
306. Oh, hello.Copy !req
307. Hi, Mrs. Chan.Copy !req
308. I don't know if you remember me.Copy !req
309. I'm Rebecca Bunch.Copy !req
310. I went to camp with your son JoshCopy !req
311. like ten-ish years ago.Copy !req
312. Oh, of course!Copy !req
313. You two had that adorable little romance!Copy !req
314. Right, I called the house a couple times.Copy !req
315. Left a couple funny messages.Copy !req
316. How have you been?Copy !req
317. I've been so grea... great.Copy !req
318. How has she been?Copy !req
319. Harvard undergrad, Yale law, 1550 SATs,Copy !req
320. winner NCAJ Mock Trial Championships.Copy !req
321. Oh, that is all very,Copy !req
322. uh, impressive.Copy !req
323. Isn't it?Copy !req
324. Hi. Paula, coworker, confidant.Copy !req
325. Rebecca, welcome to town.Copy !req
326. You should join us for dinner sometime.Copy !req
327. That's so sweet of you. I would love that.Copy !req
328. What about tomorrow?Copy !req
329. Paula, no, that's Thanksgiving.Copy !req
330. And you have nowhere to go.Copy !req
331. You poor thing.Copy !req
332. She saw her parents
murdered in front of her...Copy !req
333. in an alley... in Gotham.Copy !req
334. Oh, dear.Copy !req
335. Just like Batman.Copy !req
336. Yes.Copy !req
337. So Paula's...
I'm sorry.Copy !req
338. Paula's joking.Copy !req
339. My parents aren't dead.Copy !req
340. They're just abandoning and frigid, so...Copy !req
341. I see.Copy !req
342. That's also very terrible.Copy !req
343. - Exactly.
- Uh, guess so.Copy !req
344. I mean, I would ask
her to come to my house,Copy !req
345. but we're going to Paris.Copy !req
346. 'Cause that's where we autumn.Copy !req
347. It's like wintering but cheaper.Copy !req
348. Aw, Rebecca!Copy !req
349. You shouldn't be alone on Thanksgiving.Copy !req
350. Why don't you come over and
spend the holiday with us?Copy !req
351. Josh will be so thrilled.Copy !req
352. Oh... um...Copy !req
353. I would love that.Copy !req
354. Yeah.Copy !req
355. That's so generous of you.Copy !req
356. I would be honored.Copy !req
357. What can I bring?Copy !req
358. Oh, just bring your appetite, my dear.Copy !req
359. See you tomorrow.Copy !req
360. Okay, thank you so much again. Bye.Copy !req
361. Bye!Copy !req
362. Whoa! Whoa!Copy !req
363. I'm actually going to...
Wait... a real ThanksgivingCopy !req
364. - with a real family?
- I know.Copy !req
365. Wait, oh, no, wait.Copy !req
366. What's Josh gonna thinkCopy !req
367. when I just show up to his house randomly?Copy !req
368. Yeah, we're gonna find out in a second.Copy !req
369. She's texting him right now.Copy !req
370. You're an evil genius.Copy !req
371. Uh-huh, yeah.Copy !req
372. You're welcome.Copy !req
373. Welcome to the fam-bam.Copy !req
374. Dad, what is this...
A heart-attack buffet?Copy !req
375. Get off my ass, Greg. It's a holiday.Copy !req
376. I'm enjoying the things
that make life worthwhile.Copy !req
377. Hey, hey, hey, hey, that's
for Sinatra and Tormé.Copy !req
378. By all means, serve the
high-end food to your macaws.Copy !req
379. It's not enough that you
let them crap in the shower.Copy !req
380. I'm training them.Copy !req
381. Dad, all I'm saying is, if you're gonna goCopy !req
382. through the trouble to train them,Copy !req
383. train them to use the toilet.Copy !req
384. Oh, that's a good
idea... they're birds.Copy !req
385. Maybe I should train
them to wipe their ass.Copy !req
386. Do you need the oxygen tank?Copy !req
387. No, no, no, no. Stop it.Copy !req
388. Why you bothering me?Copy !req
389. Isn't there some girl you
could be trying to bang?Copy !req
390. Oh, what about that, that
crazy girl you met at the party?Copy !req
391. The one from the taco festival?Copy !req
392. Why do I tell you anything?Copy !req
393. Oh, right, I was drunk.Copy !req
394. That girl's not for me, Dad.Copy !req
395. - Trust me, Dad, listen.
- Sure.Copy !req
396. Listen to me.Copy !req
397. There's something I want
to talk to you about.Copy !req
398. Some, um, changes I want to make.Copy !req
399. Me, too.Copy !req
400. I'm thinking about a third macaw.Copy !req
401. I'm thinking Bennett for Tony Bennett.Copy !req
402. Oh, so serious.Copy !req
403. What is it?Copy !req
404. Tell me.Copy !req
405. I'll get the tank.Copy !req
406. Yep, yep... ah.Copy !req
407. So you want to speak Tagalog,Copy !req
408. the mother tongue of the Philippines.Copy !req
409. Let's start with "Hello."Copy !req
410. Mabuhay... say it with me.Copy !req
411. Mabuhay.Copy !req
412. "Nice to meet you."Copy !req
413. Natutwa akong makilala kayo.Copy !req
414. Okay, I know I'm forgetting something.Copy !req
415. Whoa! Ooh!Copy !req
416. No, okay.Copy !req
417. Heya!Copy !req
418. Whew, something smells weird in here.Copy !req
419. Oh, uh, well, it's a Filipino dishCopy !req
420. called dinuguan... it consists
of pork cooked in pork's blood.Copy !req
421. Do you want to try some?Copy !req
422. Uh, thanks, but I thinkCopy !req
423. I'm all full up from the wonderful smell.Copy !req
424. You know what? That's justCopy !req
425. your culturally insensitive
taste buds talking.Copy !req
426. Okay, I can only stay for a second.Copy !req
427. I'm making pies for people that I hate.Copy !req
428. Which is mixed emotions
for me, because I like pie.Copy !req
429. Okay.Copy !req
430. As discussed, here it is.Copy !req
431. This brooch contains a small
video camera and microphone.Copy !req
432. It's exactly like the teddy bear nanny camCopy !req
433. that we used in the Gatwick
divorce, but with audio.Copy !req
434. No... So it will transmit everythingCopy !req
435. you see and hear directly
to an app on my phone,Copy !req
436. so I will not miss any of your triumph.Copy !req
437. This isn't weird, right? Is it weird?Copy !req
438. No.Copy !req
439. Okay, cool.Copy !req
440. I got to go, but I cannot waitCopy !req
441. to watch you push Valderrama
out of the picture.Copy !req
442. So I open up the chest in the attic,Copy !req
443. and there it is!Copy !req
444. Let's just say that was
one very late library book.Copy !req
445. Oh, my God, your sisters love that story.Copy !req
446. Yeah, up top, Jayma. Yeah!Copy !req
447. Up top, Jastenity.Copy !req
448. Okay.Copy !req
449. Whoa.Copy !req
450. My dad never smiles.Copy !req
451. You almost got one there.Copy !req
452. So, um, how didCopy !req
453. your Thanksgiving food plan work out?Copy !req
454. I noticed that you had
a lot of the dinuguan.Copy !req
455. Yeah, it looked so good this year,Copy !req
456. I nixed the yams with the marshmallows.Copy !req
457. Interesting. Uh,
fun fact... I made it.Copy !req
458. No. No, you did not.Copy !req
459. - Yeah.
- Get out of here.Copy !req
460. Are you sure you're not Filipino?Copy !req
461. I wish, I wish I could
be from your country.Copy !req
462. I can only be so lucky.Copy !req
463. Oh, Rebecca.Copy !req
464. It's wonderful that
you are such a bookworm.Copy !req
465. Ah, we have something in common.Copy !req
466. I am in a very interesting book club.Copy !req
467. I love books and clubs.Copy !req
468. Two of my favorite things.Copy !req
469. You should join.Copy !req
470. We would love to have
a young person like you.Copy !req
471. Oh, yeah. I would love to goCopy !req
472. to your book club, too, Mrs. Chan.Copy !req
473. I actually just read a book.Copy !req
474. It's about journaling.Copy !req
475. Lea Michele wrote it.Copy !req
476. Lots of blank pages.Copy !req
477. So it's basically a journal.Copy !req
478. Uh-huh, I see.Copy !req
479. Would you like more turkey, Rebecca?Copy !req
480. Ma, you promised to be
nicer to Valencia this year.Copy !req
481. What?Copy !req
482. What you watching?Copy !req
483. Your soap?Copy !req
484. Yeah, my soap opera.Copy !req
485. I knew it.Copy !req
486. I remember you liked that.Copy !req
487. All of My Days or something like that?Copy !req
488. That's the, that's the one.Copy !req
489. All right, Dad, let me get this out.Copy !req
490. Listen, I love living with you...Copy !req
491. Dad?Copy !req
492. Dad? Damn it!Copy !req
493. We've been here before.Copy !req
494. He needs one in the small of his back.Copy !req
495. Otherwise, the farts have nowhere to go.Copy !req
496. Here, I can do it.Copy !req
497. Oh, thanks, Greg.Copy !req
498. I don't like a hot butt.Copy !req
499. Nobody does, Dad.Copy !req
500. Um, may I speak with you
privately, Mr. Serrano?Copy !req
501. So we were able to stabilize him,Copy !req
502. but we have a couple of concerns.Copy !req
503. One, his oxygen levels are too low,Copy !req
504. so we need to run some more tests.Copy !req
505. And two... your dad keeps
asking me to go outsideCopy !req
506. and have a cigarette and
some whiskey with him.Copy !req
507. - Mm.
- Not okay.Copy !req
508. In a lot of ways.Copy !req
509. Cathy, the menthols?Copy !req
510. I'm sorry he still smokes...Copy !req
511. and drinks and literally eats lard.Copy !req
512. He doesn't listen to me, he never has.Copy !req
513. Well, that's not the problem...
I mean, it is a problem...Copy !req
514. It's just that his emphysema has progressedCopy !req
515. from a stage one to a stage two,Copy !req
516. which means we need to change the protocol,Copy !req
517. add some medications.Copy !req
518. Okay.Copy !req
519. The thing is, our best treatment optionsCopy !req
520. aren't covered by your insurance.Copy !req
521. So if you'd like to proceed,
I'll need your approval.Copy !req
522. How much is it going...?Copy !req
523. Whoa, how am I supposed to pay for that?Copy !req
524. Here you go, I'll take that.Copy !req
525. And I will take that, sir.Copy !req
526. Sit, sit, sit.Copy !req
527. Honestly, I just want some private timeCopy !req
528. so I can lick all these plates myself.Copy !req
529. Too gross or too honest? Take a vote, BRB.Copy !req
530. Oh, honey, well, look at that.Copy !req
531. You've barely eaten anything.Copy !req
532. You must be starving.Copy !req
533. Of course I'm starving.Copy !req
534. I've been starving since 1998.Copy !req
535. You know what, that is
the media telling youCopy !req
536. what your body should be,
and it just gets my goat...Copy !req
537. Oh, cut the crap.Copy !req
538. I see what you're doing,
sucking up to Josh's parents.Copy !req
539. Well, it's not gonna work.Copy !req
540. Parents may love brown-nosers,
but men, like Josh, love me.Copy !req
541. You are out of your depth.Copy !req
542. You don't understand our relationship,Copy !req
543. and you don't understand Josh.Copy !req
544. We have history.Copy !req
545. We have chemistry.Copy !req
546. Well, that's a lot of academic subjects.Copy !req
547. You think he's gonna find you sexyCopy !req
548. when you're spending all
day shopping with his momCopy !req
549. for visors?Copy !req
550. Ooh, girl, hang in there.Copy !req
551. Oh, honey.Copy !req
552. You're having a tough day.Copy !req
553. I get it, the holidays can be stressful.Copy !req
554. Can I get you anything?Copy !req
555. Maybe a hot cup of arroz caldo?Copy !req
556. I don't need chicken soup, thank you.Copy !req
557. Chicken soup is just hot melted fat water.Copy !req
558. You don't belong here...
This is not your family.Copy !req
559. And good luck digesting
all that gross food.Copy !req
560. That's culturally insensitive.Copy !req
561. Time for the family photo.Copy !req
562. Don't belong here? That's ridiculous.Copy !req
563. Smile!Copy !req
564. Hey, Kevin.Copy !req
565. Listen, um...Copy !req
566. I said a lot of regrettable
things yesterday,Copy !req
567. and I wanted you to know I'm sorry.Copy !req
568. You were only saying
what others were thinking.Copy !req
569. Thank you.Copy !req
570. I got a tongue scraper.Copy !req
571. Things are looking hhhheeexxxcellent.Copy !req
572. That's terrific.Copy !req
573. - It's minty.
- Yeah.Copy !req
574. You want your job back, don't you?Copy !req
575. I do.Copy !req
576. You think that's the first
Netflix quit I've seen?Copy !req
577. Had a busboy do the entire
Peter Finch speech from Network.Copy !req
578. Shouted out of a window and everything.Copy !req
579. Oh, it was Javier.Copy !req
580. Welcome back, Greg.Copy !req
581. "I'm mad as hell, and I'm
not gonna take it anymore!"Copy !req
582. Oh, it was great.Copy !req
583. You should have been there.Copy !req
584. Ah, they all come back.Copy !req
585. Greg, you want your job back, it's yours.Copy !req
586. Ah. Ooh.Copy !req
587. Ah, ah.Copy !req
588. I forgot how much fun it
was here... I missed that.Copy !req
589. - Yeah.
- Um, listen, I really appreciate this,Copy !req
590. but I don't want to work
today, it's Thanksgiving,Copy !req
591. and I have seniority, I can pick my shifts.Copy !req
592. Had seniority.Copy !req
593. So sorry.Copy !req
594. Oh, and, uh...Copy !req
595. the toilets are clogged.Copy !req
596. Who flushes a jump rope?Copy !req
597. So sorry.Copy !req
598. Aunt Dhori, I insistCopy !req
599. that you call me.Copy !req
600. I think we have a case here, I really do.Copy !req
601. Listen, if the frozen dinner box saysCopy !req
602. that there are five shrimp,
there should be five, not four.Copy !req
603. Yeah, totally.Copy !req
604. Okay.Copy !req
605. Call me, yeah.Copy !req
606. Rebecca, thank you so
much for coming today.Copy !req
607. We are so thankful God sent you to us.Copy !req
608. Oh...Copy !req
609. "God sent you to us."Copy !req
610. Aw, that's nice, Paula.Copy !req
611. Thought you hated me.Copy !req
612. I do.Copy !req
613. Everyone hates you.Copy !req
614. You're racist.Copy !req
615. Well, um, thanks again for everything.Copy !req
616. I guess I should really go.Copy !req
617. Yeah, you really should.Copy !req
618. - Valencia.
- What? She wants to go.Copy !req
619. Well, good-bye.Copy !req
620. Bye, Jayma. Bye, Jastenity.Copy !req
621. Wait, Rebecca.Copy !req
622. Would you join our family for mass?Copy !req
623. We'd love to have you.Copy !req
624. Um, she's Jewish.Copy !req
625. I would be so honored,
Mrs. Chan, thank you.Copy !req
626. Wow, can I just say,Copy !req
627. you have made me feel like I truly belong.Copy !req
628. Oh, of course you do.Copy !req
629. Great, I'll also join for massCopy !req
630. because I actually believe in Jesus.Copy !req
631. Knock yourself out.Copy !req
632. It's a public place of worship.Copy !req
633. Uh, where is your powder
room really quickly?Copy !req
634. Oh, it's just down the hall, sweetie.Copy !req
635. Okay... thank you.Copy !req
636. I'll be right...Copy !req
637. Thanks.Copy !req
638. Hey. Hey, Paula.Copy !req
639. Hey, cookie, you are crushing it!Copy !req
640. Yeah, I know, it's going so well.Copy !req
641. Okay, listen.Copy !req
642. I have to go to the bathroom,Copy !req
643. but I will call you...Copy !req
644. Wait-wait, wait-wait,
wait, hold on.Copy !req
645. Hold on. Hold it, somebody's here.Copy !req
646. Oh, crap.Copy !req
647. I really have to poo-poo. Okay, hold on.Copy !req
648. I'm so... I try so hard to
be nice to your mom,Copy !req
649. and all she ever gives me is stink face.Copy !req
650. Hold on, shh, shh, shh.Copy !req
651. Babe, babe, babe, she-she loves you.Copy !req
652. And you just stood there doing nothingCopy !req
653. while she sucked up to
everyone like a vacuum cleaner.Copy !req
654. Come on, Rebecca was just being nice.Copy !req
655. - It's Josh and Valencia.
- Nice?Copy !req
656. So naive, Josh!Copy !req
657. You don't see who she really is.Copy !req
658. They're fighting.Copy !req
659. It's so sad.Copy !req
660. Oh, my God, I can hear it.Copy !req
661. You didn't even sit next to me.Copy !req
662. I told you I wanted to
be closer to the turkey.Copy !req
663. I like the skin!Copy !req
664. I can hear it. Why
don't you stick up for me?Copy !req
665. Oh, my God, this is
it... this is the boulder.Copy !req
666. Wait-wait, wait, wait,
wait, shh, shh, shh.Copy !req
667. Wait, wait, I can't hear.Copy !req
668. Wait.Copy !req
669. It's gone quiet.Copy !req
670. What happened?Copy !req
671. Did she kill him?Copy !req
672. What is that sound?Copy !req
673. Wait, I don't know.Copy !req
674. Maybe it's a tiny trampoline.Copy !req
675. Or a ghost with a rusty knee?Copy !req
676. Oh, my God, Rebecca, are they...?Copy !req
677. Oh, no.Copy !req
678. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
679. Run out of the room.Copy !req
680. Just sprint by their
writhing bodies and escape.Copy !req
681. No, no-no, I can't.Copy !req
682. Because if I move, my bowels will explode.Copy !req
683. Like, all over the walls.Copy !req
684. Wait, shh, shh, shh. Shh,
I think they've stopped.Copy !req
685. I think they stopped, hold on, hold on.Copy !req
686. Oh, God, the stamina.Copy !req
687. Why won't this end?Copy !req
688. When is this gonna end?Copy !req
689. Huh.Copy !req
690. Never noticed that before.Copy !req
691. Not bad.Copy !req
692. Hey, Deb, I'll be right with you.Copy !req
693. Hold on. Hold on. Wait, I
think they might be gone.Copy !req
694. Shh. Hold on.Copy !req
695. Oh...Copy !req
696. Yes. Yes.Copy !req
697. Okay, they're gone.Copy !req
698. Go to the bathroom, honey.Copy !req
699. No. I'm gonna make a run for itCopy !req
700. because I can't be in
this house any longer.Copy !req
701. Are you crazy?Copy !req
702. You'll never make it!Copy !req
703. You will never make it.Copy !req
704. There you are!Copy !req
705. Ready for churchCopy !req
706. You know, I really want to go,Copy !req
707. but I have to take a giant...Copy !req
708. rain check.Copy !req
709. Everyone...Copy !req
710. I have an announcement to make.Copy !req
711. Today has been a special day.Copy !req
712. So nice to see everyone hereCopy !req
713. from, you know, Rancho Cucamonga,Copy !req
714. and Stockton, Monrovia,Copy !req
715. Victorville...Copy !req
716. Yeah, all the places!Copy !req
717. I'm so thankful for the wonderful mealCopy !req
718. and for, you know,Copy !req
719. sharing great laughs, as always.Copy !req
720. But there were also
some challenging moments.Copy !req
721. Those moments are really important, too.Copy !req
722. Because of those moments,Copy !req
723. we find out what really mattersCopy !req
724. and are reminded where we belong.Copy !req
725. And I belong...Copy !req
726. with Valencia.Copy !req
727. On that note,Copy !req
728. and in front of the people I love the mostCopy !req
729. and who love me the most...Copy !req
730. V, I want to ask you something.Copy !req
731. Valencia...Copy !req
732. will you move in with me?Copy !req
733. I do!Copy !req
734. I mean, I will.Copy !req
735. No... No...Copy !req
736. Now, who wants to go see Jesus?Copy !req
737. Hey. Hey.Copy !req
738. I brought your robe. I know you hateCopy !req
739. that these hospital gowns
leave your ass hanging out.Copy !req
740. My ass will hang out when I say it should.Copy !req
741. I am the captain of my own ass.Copy !req
742. - I know what you did.
- What?Copy !req
743. One of the nurses ratted you out.Copy !req
744. You spent all your savings?Copy !req
745. On me?Copy !req
746. Why?Copy !req
747. I'm a lost cause.Copy !req
748. Run, like your mother did.Copy !req
749. Save yourself.Copy !req
750. And-and the macaws.Copy !req
751. You need those treatments.Copy !req
752. You gotta go to school. Move out.Copy !req
753. It's-it's time.Copy !req
754. Don't you tell me what to do.Copy !req
755. I make my own decisions,
thank you very much,Copy !req
756. and I'm not going anywhere, sorry.Copy !req
757. - Now...
- Don't, don't... fight me on this.Copy !req
758. Look at you, old man,Copy !req
759. you'd lose.Copy !req
760. You have tubes in your face.Copy !req
761. You know what my father would've doneCopy !req
762. if I talked to him like that?Copy !req
763. He probably would've said,Copy !req
764. "Thank you for saving my life, son."Copy !req
765. Yeah, probably.Copy !req
766. My father was a saint.Copy !req
767. Now, hey... get out of here.Copy !req
768. And get yourself something to eat,Copy !req
769. something decent to eat.Copy !req
770. The food here is garbage.Copy !req
771. I will, in a bit.Copy !req
772. I'm not in a hurry.Copy !req
773. I love you, you know.Copy !req
774. Almost as much as Sinatra,Copy !req
775. and he's a damned good bird.Copy !req
776. Oh, no, no, no.Copy !req
777. - Change that.
- No, no. I don't...Copy !req
778. The beach volleyball, come on.Copy !req
779. - I don't need...
- Oh, look at, look at that.Copy !req
780. La, la, la, la. Oh, Brazil!Copy !req
781. La, la, la, la. Oh, go, baby, go.Copy !req
782. You can make it, you can
make it, you can make it...Copy !req
783. You can do it, baby.Copy !req
784. You can make it. Just don't think about it.Copy !req
785. Oh, thank God...Copy !req
786. Oh... oh...Copy !req
787. Paula, come on.Copy !req
788. Enough with that.Copy !req
789. So, this is our first ThanksgivingCopy !req
790. without Aunt Judy.Copy !req
791. Let's, uh...Copy !req
792. have a moment of silence for her.Copy !req
793. Why...?Copy !req
794. Because she's dead.Copy !req
795. Hey, Paula!Copy !req
796. Come in.Copy !req
797. Oh, I think my spleen is somewhereCopy !req
798. in the municipal sewer system.Copy !req
799. Oh...Copy !req
800. Oh... my butthole's the gateway to hell.Copy !req
801. - You look great.
- Hi!Copy !req
802. What are you doing here?Copy !req
803. You promised me a drink.Copy !req
804. I got tired of waiting.Copy !req
805. Okay. So you just showed up?Copy !req
806. And, like, phones don't exist?Copy !req
807. I decided we're past courtesy.Copy !req
808. I brought
tacos and tequila,Copy !req
809. the food of our forefathers.Copy !req
810. Well, not really yours. Or mine.Copy !req
811. That's really nice.Copy !req
812. But, God, I'm not really in a positionCopy !req
813. to eat that stuff right now.Copy !req
814. I've had the worst Thanksgiving ever.Copy !req
815. Yeah, mine was really bad, too.Copy !req
816. It was like Pearl Harbor
meets the movie Pearl Harbor.Copy !req
817. That's funny.Copy !req
818. Well, feel freeCopy !req
819. to sit down, but I gotta warn you,Copy !req
820. I'm not good company.Copy !req
821. That's okay. I'm used to it.Copy !req
822. Ha, ha, ha!Copy !req
823. You know what? Maybe I
will have some tequila.Copy !req
824. Yeah.Copy !req
825. Oh, no, no, no. Not tacos, though.Copy !req
826. Not gonna handle those tacos right now.Copy !req
827. Here, let me get you a
plate to eat the tacos on,Copy !req
828. because you're a person.Copy !req
829. Uh-oh. Oh, God.Copy !req
830. Oh, no...Copy !req
831. - Where are you... going?
- Okay, okay, okay.Copy !req
832. I'll be back, I'll be back.
Clench, Becky. Clench, Becky.Copy !req
833. You can do it. Okay.Copy !req
834. Okay, Becky.Copy !req
835. Let's see what's on my queue.Copy !req
836. No.Copy !req
837. Mm... no. Sorry you
had to see that.Copy !req
838. Ooh! Documentary about a
whale that didn't have parents.Copy !req
839. Mm. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
840. That says Thanksgiving.Copy !req
841. So... how'd your dad take the news?Copy !req
842. Oh, yeah, that didn't happen.Copy !req
843. Really? He asked you to stay?Copy !req
844. Nah, it's just...Copy !req
845. The thing is,Copy !req
846. he's always been there for me,Copy !req
847. my whole life.Copy !req
848. The only person, actually.Copy !req
849. God...Copy !req
850. it's nice that you have that.Copy !req
851. 'Cause not everyone does.Copy !req
852. That whale didn't.Copy !req
853. No.Copy !req
854. Have you thought about night school?Copy !req
855. Yeah. It's funny you say that.Copy !req
856. I have been thinking about it.Copy !req
857. Do it!Copy !req
858. Maybe I will.Copy !req
859. Okay.Copy !req
860. Why does Netflix always want meCopy !req
861. to watch Leaving Las Vegas?Copy !req
862. What are they trying to tell me?Copy !req
863. Wait.Copy !req
864. I know exactly what we should watch.Copy !req
865. There. I saved you the pork adoboCopy !req
866. and the turkey skin, Anak.Copy !req
867. Thanks, Mom.Copy !req
868. Hey, that was a great sermon, huh?Copy !req
869. Perfect combination of guilt and...Copy !req
870. No, I guess it was just guilt.Copy !req
871. I wasn't even paying attention.Copy !req
872. I was just... so happy.Copy !req
873. I'm going to bed.Copy !req
874. All I ask isCopy !req
875. if you're going to go against
the church and live in sin,Copy !req
876. be consistent and use contraception, okay?Copy !req
877. Thanks, Mom. Good night.Copy !req
878. You want to hear something funny?Copy !req
879. You want to know who I'm
most thankful for today?Copy !req
880. Rebecca.Copy !req
881. What? Why?Copy !req
882. But don't get me wrong. She's
the worst and I hate her.Copy !req
883. But if it wasn't for us fighting about her,Copy !req
884. we wouldn't be moving in together!Copy !req
885. So, which part of town should we live in?Copy !req
886. - Uh, I haven't thought about it yet.
- Well, I have,Copy !req
887. because I have my eye on
a duplex on South CameronCopy !req
888. with a backyard and shuttersCopy !req
889. and French doors and Spanish
tile and an orange tree.Copy !req
890. It has two bedrooms,
which would be perfect,Copy !req
891. because I need the extra
room to practice my Ashtanga.Copy !req
892. The World Dog Awards.Copy !req
893. Now that says Thanksgiving.Copy !req
894. I hate to say it, but that bloodhoundCopy !req
895. could definitely benefit
from a juice cleanse.Copy !req
896. - Mm-hmm, yeah.
- Whoa.Copy !req
897. Yes, that is one portly puppy.Copy !req
898. Mm.Copy !req
899. Oh, here.Copy !req
900. Here you go.Copy !req
901. No one likes a hot butt.Copy !req
902. Hmm.Copy !req
903. Oh, my God, I can't
believe I'm eating again.Copy !req
904. Yeah, I was gonna say,
speaking of portly puppies.Copy !req
905. - Woof! Woof!
- That's not nice. That's not nice.Copy !req
906. - Woof! Woof! Woof!
- You've lost your pillow privileges.Copy !req
907. - Ooh, ooh, giant pillow!
- No! That's unfair!Copy !req
908. Oh.Copy !req
909. No! Not Greg. Josh! Josh!Copy !req
910. I worked so hard for nothing!Copy !req
911. Another story, Miss Rebecca.Copy !req
912. 'Twas the night of the
Dunster House Formal.Copy !req
913. The place? Harvard.Copy !req
914. The year? 2008.Copy !req
915. I remember it specificallyCopy !req
916. because I had a Barack Obama bobble-headCopy !req
917. perched on my nightstand.Copy !req
918. And as I was being rhythmically trashedCopy !req
919. by a junior visiting from
the Brown improv troupe,Copy !req
920. the bobble-head nodded
up and down as if to say,Copy !req
921. "Yes, yes, you have made
another terrible decision,Copy !req
922. you silly, weak woman."Copy !req
923. Mommy!
- I was out of stories!Copy !req
924. — Synced and corrected by ChrisKe —
— www.addic7ed.com —Copy !req