1. Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...Copy !req
2. - This is Valencia. My girlfriend.
- Hi.Copy !req
3. And exhale on an "ah..."
Hey, do you want to go grab,Copy !req
4. - like, a coffee with me?
- Why would you want to do that?Copy !req
5. Look, I get what
you're doing with this girl.Copy !req
6. You befriend the enemy and you
get more face time with Josh.Copy !req
7. I'm so glad you moved here, Becks.Copy !req
8. I don't know what you're trying to do,Copy !req
9. or why you pretended to be my friend,Copy !req
10. but stay away from meCopy !req
11. and my Josh.Copy !req
12. I am attracted to you.Copy !req
13. Very,Copy !req
14. very attracted to you.Copy !req
15. So he said "attracted,"Copy !req
16. but then he paused,Copy !req
17. and he said "very attracted."Copy !req
18. You mentioned that. Okay, I mentioned itCopy !req
19. because it's the "very," alright?Copy !req
20. That's the wild card.Copy !req
21. "Very" is a very important
word in this, right?Copy !req
22. Think about it. You guys have
a drink called Very Berry Blast.Copy !req
23. I mean... I'm assumingCopy !req
24. that the "very" means something. Right?Copy !req
25. Uh, we don't name 'em. They
just come from corporate.Copy !req
26. Okay, but that's-that's just beside...Copy !req
27. beside the point.Copy !req
28. Maybe Josh was just trying to be nice,Copy !req
29. like kind of...Copy !req
30. blowing you off?Copy !req
31. What?Copy !req
32. No, no.Copy !req
33. Come on... no.Copy !req
34. You do talk about him a lot.Copy !req
35. What is the history with you two?Copy !req
36. That's a sexist term.Copy !req
37. Can you guys stop
singing for just a second?Copy !req
38. The situation's a lot
more nuanced than that.Copy !req
39. Okay! We get it!Copy !req
40. Look, maybe the reason
I haven't heard from JoshCopy !req
41. is what he said.Copy !req
42. It's that he's very attracted to me.Copy !req
43. You know, it's like...Copy !req
44. like, even if our arms brush,Copy !req
45. he gets a little tingle down there.Copy !req
46. - Hi, Becks!
- OhhhhCopy !req
47. Hey, hey, man.Copy !req
48. Wow, I haven'tCopy !req
49. seen you, uh, in what, four days?Copy !req
50. Yeah, I'm very sorry.Copy !req
51. Very?Copy !req
52. I've been very M.I.A.Copy !req
53. With the holidays, I'm very slammed.Copy !req
54. There is very much traffic today.Copy !req
55. That's funny.Copy !req
56. So "very" is just your go-to adverb.Copy !req
57. That's...Copy !req
58. Uh... uh, nothing.Copy !req
59. So you were saying?Copy !req
60. Yeah, we host Thanksgiving at our houseCopy !req
61. and we got cousins and
aunts and uncles pouring inCopy !req
62. from Temecula, Glendale, San Mateo...Copy !req
63. - Oh, wow.
- Oh, Rancho Cucamonga,Copy !req
64. Stockton, Pismo Beach,Copy !req
65. Solvang, Victorville...Copy !req
66. How about you?Copy !req
67. Well, I'm just gonna... I forgot the M's.Copy !req
68. Uh, Modesto, Monrovia,Copy !req
69. Mendocino, and that's it.Copy !req
70. What are you doing for Thanksgiving?Copy !req
71. Oh, bleh...Copy !req
72. I just go to the East Coast,
to Scarsdale with my momCopy !req
73. and we watch the World Dog Awards.Copy !req
74. Oh! And?Copy !req
75. We just roll some
Craisins in turkey slices,Copy !req
76. make little logs,Copy !req
77. - and body-shame some puppies.
- Cool!Copy !req
78. Most important thing, I guess,Copy !req
79. is that you'll be with family.Copy !req
80. You know, where you belong.Copy !req
81. Yeah.Copy !req
82. Yeah, where I...Copy !req
83. where I belong.Copy !req
84. And I put the boba on
the side for Aunt Dhori.Copy !req
85. We know she likes to
pop 'em with her hand.Copy !req
86. Thanks, guys. Have the best
Thanksgiving, Becks.Copy !req
87. Give your mother my very best.Copy !req
88. See you guys!Copy !req
89. - Have a good one.
- Peace!Copy !req
90. Very peace!Copy !req
91. Okay, everybody ready?Copy !req
92. - Say "cheese."
- Cheese.Copy !req
93. That's good.Copy !req
94. Everyone belongs somewhere but me.Copy !req
95. That's silly, honey.Copy !req
96. You've got family back home in New York.Copy !req
97. I mean, not really.Copy !req
98. My dad bailed, my mom's a misery,Copy !req
99. I ate my twin in the womb.Copy !req
100. I really don't want to
go home for the holiday.Copy !req
101. It's the last place I want to be.Copy !req
102. Like I said, you are more than welcomeCopy !req
103. to my apocalypse of a Thanksgiving.Copy !req
104. Yeah... I mean, pull up a chairCopy !req
105. and enjoy Scott's racist uncle.Copy !req
106. You ate your twin?Copy !req
107. I mean, medically
speaking, I didn't "eat" it,Copy !req
108. I just metabolized its
body parts for my own use.Copy !req
109. Why don't you ask Josh if you can goCopy !req
110. to his house for Thanksgiving?Copy !req
111. He said he's "very attracted" to you,Copy !req
112. and we know what that means.Copy !req
113. Oh, God, don't even get me started.Copy !req
114. I don't even know what that means anymore.Copy !req
115. I do.Copy !req
116. A guy says something like that,Copy !req
117. it means his current relationshipCopy !req
118. is about ready to bite the dust.Copy !req
119. He's putting out feelers.Copy !req
120. If you could go to his
house for the holiday...Copy !req
121. I mean, would I like to go to the Chan's?Copy !req
122. Would I like to be surroundedCopy !req
123. by the unconditional love
of a hundred Filipinos?Copy !req
124. Of course I would.Copy !req
125. Tell us the story!Copy !req
126. The library book story! Again?Copy !req
127. Well, no, I couldn't possibly.Copy !req
128. Library book story!Copy !req
129. Library book story!Copy !req
130. Library book story! Library book story!Copy !req
131. Please, Miss Rebecca, just one more time.Copy !req
132. The library book story.Copy !req
133. But you know it by heart by now.Copy !req
134. Well, all right.Copy !req
135. But if Josh was going to invite me,Copy !req
136. he would've asked and he didn't,Copy !req
137. so just drop it.Copy !req
138. Why do you always give up so easily?Copy !req
139. Do you think Angelina
went into Mr. & Mrs. SmithCopy !req
140. with that kind of attitude?Copy !req
141. If she had, no Shiloh,Copy !req
142. no Maddox, no Vivienne...Copy !req
143. Who do you think belongs next to himCopy !req
144. and that turkey on Thursday?Copy !req
145. You or Venezuela?Copy !req
146. You know what? Thanksgiving
is a beautiful family holiday.Copy !req
147. Not gonna let you ruin
it with your scheming.Copy !req
148. Okay, okay... Let's put it this way.Copy !req
149. Say a giant boulder ran
over Josh's girlfriendCopy !req
150. and she was out of the picture.Copy !req
151. How would you feel?Copy !req
152. I mean, I'd feel terrible!Copy !req
153. Okay? A boulder would decimate herCopy !req
154. and her guts would be everywhere.Copy !req
155. Okay, wow.Copy !req
156. Rebecca,Copy !req
157. you are getting close to Josh.Copy !req
158. I can feel it.Copy !req
159. And if you could just get
into that turkey dinner,Copy !req
160. you would be set.Copy !req
161. It's the holidays, Paula.Copy !req
162. People don't always get what they want.Copy !req
163. Mr. Kincaid, you shouldn't have.Copy !req
164. Oh, you didn't.Copy !req
165. You never do.Copy !req
166. Lynne, I think that's enough.Copy !req
167. I can't have you passing
out in the bleachers again.Copy !req
168. You don't tell me what to do.Copy !req
169. Okay. Great.Copy !req
170. Good luck with that.Copy !req
171. Greg! Greg!Copy !req
172. Did you know that for ThanksgivingCopy !req
173. Chris' family makes tamales?Copy !req
174. I love it!Copy !req
175. It's an update on the corn theme.Copy !req
176. You're just full of fascinating facts.Copy !req
177. Okay, Mr. Grumpy, I thought
we were friends again.Copy !req
178. Give me that smile.Copy !req
179. There it is. Yeah.Copy !req
180. So what are you doing for
Thanksgiving? Anything special?Copy !req
181. Yep.Copy !req
182. This year everything is gonna be different.Copy !req
183. Savor that, because that's the last
drink I'm ever gonna make you.Copy !req
184. Yep, that's right.Copy !req
185. I am quitting this crappy job.Copy !req
186. As soon as this shift ends.Copy !req
187. I can't wait to walk in and
tell my boss to shove it.Copy !req
188. It's gonna be all Jerry MaguireCopy !req
189. mixed in with a little Norma Rae.Copy !req
190. Oh, yeah. Someone stole a Netflix password.Copy !req
191. Yeah, I finally saved up enough moneyCopy !req
192. to move out and to go to business school.Copy !req
193. I just have to find a
nurse for my dad first.Copy !req
194. Wow. Wait, business school?Copy !req
195. This is great. This is what you wanted.Copy !req
196. Yep. My dad's not gonna
be happy I'm moving out,Copy !req
197. but I figure I tell him
over Thanksgiving dinner,Copy !req
198. then we'll patch things upCopy !req
199. over buffalo mozzarella and prosciutto,Copy !req
200. just like they did in
the first Thanksgiving.Copy !req
201. Wait. Really?Copy !req
202. I go to public school.Copy !req
203. Obviously.Copy !req
204. This is great.Copy !req
205. This is... everything you wanted.Copy !req
206. You're moving on.Copy !req
207. It's awesome, you deserve it.Copy !req
208. I'm gonna miss you.Copy !req
209. Can I buy you a drink before you move?Copy !req
210. What's the catch?Copy !req
211. No catch. It's a free drink. You in or out?Copy !req
212. In. Hey, V.Copy !req
213. Hey, Greg. What brings you by?Copy !req
214. Oh, just picking Elena up from softball.Copy !req
215. Hey, Valencia.Copy !req
216. Hey, V-ster.
V-dog?Copy !req
217. VW? VW Bus?Copy !req
218. What-what are your plans
for Thanksgiving, Valencia?Copy !req
219. Bye, Greg.Copy !req
220. Bye, Valencia!Copy !req
221. I like your sleeveless
crocheted trench coat!Copy !req
222. Wow.Copy !req
223. You guys have such a great rapport.Copy !req
224. Yeah, she doesn't like me so much.Copy !req
225. No, she doesn't like you a lot.Copy !req
226. But to be fair,Copy !req
227. she's probably in a bad moodCopy !req
228. because it's Thanksgiving.Copy !req
229. She goes to Josh's house,
and it's tough for her.Copy !req
230. What, to bask in the warm embraceCopy !req
231. of a loving Filipino
family? Why is that tough?Copy !req
232. You don't know?Copy !req
233. The Chan's don't like Valencia.Copy !req
234. Because Asians don't like dumb people.Copy !req
235. Chris!Copy !req
236. So mildly racist.Copy !req
237. It's a problem.Copy !req
238. Every time Valencia has
to hang with the Chan's,Copy !req
239. she and Josh almost break up.Copy !req
240. I had no idea.Copy !req
241. Poor Josh.Copy !req
242. Poor Valencia, too.Copy !req
243. I can't get over it.Copy !req
244. Poor Josh. Poor Valencia.Copy !req
245. It must be awful to go
to your boyfriend's houseCopy !req
246. and just not feel like you belong.Copy !req
247. Yeah, it's really unfortunate.Copy !req
248. I've never been to this place.Copy !req
249. There's a lot of bok choyCopy !req
250. and live fish with whiskers.Copy !req
251. And all the Asians.Copy !req
252. What are you up to?Copy !req
253. Don't you understandCopy !req
254. that the tension between
Valencia and the Chan's,Copy !req
255. that's your in, that's your boulder.Copy !req
256. You are gonna crush her little bird bones.Copy !req
257. What's going on? What am I doing here?Copy !req
258. You are a parent's dream.Copy !req
259. And as soon as Josh's
parents get a look at you,Copy !req
260. they're going to fall in love.Copy !req
261. And he will follow.Copy !req
262. Okay... but how are they
going to get a look at me?Copy !req
263. I don't exactly see them around anywhere...Copy !req
264. Mrs. Chan.Copy !req
265. Oh, I get it.Copy !req
266. - I see what you did there
- Yep.Copy !req
267. Should've seen that coming.Copy !req
268. The boss is back. Look busy.Copy !req
269. Hey, Kevin.Copy !req
270. - Can I talk to you for a sec?
- Sure, what's up?Copy !req
271. I'll tell you what's up.Copy !req
272. What's up is that every
day I work in this bar,Copy !req
273. I feel like I am eating a
sandwich of bile and tears.Copy !req
274. - Ugh.
- Shh. Please.Copy !req
275. I have a thing prepared.Copy !req
276. I'm here to tell youCopy !req
277. that I've reached the Rubicon,Copy !req
278. my own personal tipping point...Copy !req
279. Nice line.Copy !req
280. You write that?Copy !req
281. Wait, are you quitting?Copy !req
282. Good for you!Copy !req
283. Kevin, please. I gotta get this out.Copy !req
284. I quit this bar!Copy !req
285. Yeah, I just said that.Copy !req
286. I quit making blended
drinks for bad tippers.Copy !req
287. I quit using a cash register
that spells mojito with an "H."Copy !req
288. I quit your terrible breath.Copy !req
289. Appreciate the feedback.Copy !req
290. I had a dental procedure.
I really should irrigateCopy !req
291. more frequently. Kevin,
you're ruining this for me.Copy !req
292. Wait, are you going
back to business school?Copy !req
293. This is fantastic!Copy !req
294. I always wondered when you were gonna!Copy !req
295. You're too good for this place.Copy !req
296. Now, bring it here.Copy !req
297. What...?Copy !req
298. Now, you, get out of here!Copy !req
299. How did you know she was here?Copy !req
300. It's best if I don't share that with you.Copy !req
301. Come on, let's go talk to her.Copy !req
302. No, I don't want to talk to her.
This is embarrassing.Copy !req
303. Paula, come on. I don't want to
make an ass of myself... oh, oh!Copy !req
304. I'm so sorry, Mrs. Chan.Copy !req
305. Oh, hello.Copy !req
306. Hi, Mrs. Chan.Copy !req
307. I don't know if you remember me.Copy !req
308. I'm Rebecca Bunch.Copy !req
309. I went to camp with your son JoshCopy !req
310. like ten-ish years ago.Copy !req
311. Oh, of course!Copy !req
312. You two had that adorable little romance!Copy !req
313. Right, I called the house a couple times.Copy !req
314. Left a couple funny messages.Copy !req
315. How have you been?Copy !req
316. I've been so grea... great.Copy !req
317. How has she been?Copy !req
318. Harvard undergrad, Yale law, 1550 SATs,Copy !req
319. winner NCAJ Mock Trial Championships.Copy !req
320. Oh, that is all very,Copy !req
321. uh, impressive.Copy !req
322. Isn't it?Copy !req
323. Hi. Paula, coworker, confidant.Copy !req
324. Rebecca, welcome to town.Copy !req
325. You should join us for dinner sometime.Copy !req
326. That's so sweet of you. I would love that.Copy !req
327. What about tomorrow?Copy !req
328. Paula, no, that's Thanksgiving.Copy !req
329. And you have nowhere to go.Copy !req
330. You poor thing.Copy !req
331. She saw her parents
murdered in front of her...Copy !req
332. in an alley... in Gotham.Copy !req
333. Oh, dear.Copy !req
334. Just like Batman.Copy !req
335. Yes.Copy !req
336. So Paula's...
I'm sorry.Copy !req
337. Paula's joking.Copy !req
338. My parents aren't dead.Copy !req
339. They're just abandoning and frigid, so...Copy !req
340. I see.Copy !req
341. That's also very terrible.Copy !req
342. - Exactly.
- Uh, guess so.Copy !req
343. I mean, I would ask
her to come to my house,Copy !req
344. but we're going to Paris.Copy !req
345. 'Cause that's where we autumn.Copy !req
346. It's like wintering but cheaper.Copy !req
347. Aw, Rebecca!Copy !req
348. You shouldn't be alone on Thanksgiving.Copy !req
349. Why don't you come over and
spend the holiday with us?Copy !req
350. Josh will be so thrilled.Copy !req
351. Oh... um...Copy !req
352. I would love that.Copy !req
353. Yeah.Copy !req
354. That's so generous of you.Copy !req
355. I would be honored.Copy !req
356. What can I bring?Copy !req
357. Oh, just bring your appetite, my dear.Copy !req
358. See you tomorrow.Copy !req
359. Okay, thank you so much again. Bye.Copy !req
360. Bye!Copy !req
361. Whoa! Whoa!Copy !req
362. I'm actually going to...
Wait... a real ThanksgivingCopy !req
363. - with a real family?
- I know.Copy !req
364. Wait, oh, no, wait.Copy !req
365. What's Josh gonna thinkCopy !req
366. when I just show up to his house randomly?Copy !req
367. Yeah, we're gonna find out in a second.Copy !req
368. She's texting him right now.Copy !req
369. You're an evil genius.Copy !req
370. Uh-huh, yeah.Copy !req
371. You're welcome.Copy !req
372. Welcome to the fam-bam.Copy !req
373. Dad, what is this...
A heart-attack buffet?Copy !req
374. Get off my ass, Greg. It's a holiday.Copy !req
375. I'm enjoying the things
that make life worthwhile.Copy !req
376. Hey, hey, hey, hey, that's
for Sinatra and Tormé.Copy !req
377. By all means, serve the
high-end food to your macaws.Copy !req
378. It's not enough that you
let them crap in the shower.Copy !req
379. I'm training them.Copy !req
380. Dad, all I'm saying is, if you're gonna goCopy !req
381. through the trouble to train them,Copy !req
382. train them to use the toilet.Copy !req
383. Oh, that's a good
idea... they're birds.Copy !req
384. Maybe I should train
them to wipe their ass.Copy !req
385. Do you need the oxygen tank?Copy !req
386. No, no, no, no. Stop it.Copy !req
387. Why you bothering me?Copy !req
388. Isn't there some girl you
could be trying to bang?Copy !req
389. Oh, what about that, that
crazy girl you met at the party?Copy !req
390. The one from the taco festival?Copy !req
391. Why do I tell you anything?Copy !req
392. Oh, right, I was drunk.Copy !req
393. That girl's not for me, Dad.Copy !req
394. - Trust me, Dad, listen.
- Sure.Copy !req
395. Listen to me.Copy !req
396. There's something I want
to talk to you about.Copy !req
397. Some, um, changes I want to make.Copy !req
398. Me, too.Copy !req
399. I'm thinking about a third macaw.Copy !req
400. I'm thinking Bennett for Tony Bennett.Copy !req
401. Oh, so serious.Copy !req
402. What is it?Copy !req
403. Tell me.Copy !req
404. I'll get the tank.Copy !req
405. Yep, yep... ah.Copy !req
406. So you want to speak Tagalog,Copy !req
407. the mother tongue of the Philippines.Copy !req
408. Let's start with "Hello."Copy !req
409. Mabuhay... say it with me.Copy !req
410. Mabuhay.Copy !req
411. "Nice to meet you."Copy !req
412. Natutwa akong makilala kayo.Copy !req
413. Okay, I know I'm forgetting something.Copy !req
414. Whoa! Ooh!Copy !req
415. No, okay.Copy !req
416. Heya!Copy !req
417. Whew, something smells weird in here.Copy !req
418. Oh, uh, well, it's a Filipino dishCopy !req
419. called dinuguan... it consists
of pork cooked in pork's blood.Copy !req
420. Do you want to try some?Copy !req
421. Uh, thanks, but I thinkCopy !req
422. I'm all full up from the wonderful smell.Copy !req
423. You know what? That's justCopy !req
424. your culturally insensitive
taste buds talking.Copy !req
425. Okay, I can only stay for a second.Copy !req
426. I'm making pies for people that I hate.Copy !req
427. Which is mixed emotions
for me, because I like pie.Copy !req
428. Okay.Copy !req
429. As discussed, here it is.Copy !req
430. This brooch contains a small
video camera and microphone.Copy !req
431. It's exactly like the teddy bear nanny camCopy !req
432. that we used in the Gatwick
divorce, but with audio.Copy !req
433. No... So it will transmit everythingCopy !req
434. you see and hear directly
to an app on my phone,Copy !req
435. so I will not miss any of your triumph.Copy !req
436. This isn't weird, right? Is it weird?Copy !req
437. No.Copy !req
438. Okay, cool.Copy !req
439. I got to go, but I cannot waitCopy !req
440. to watch you push Valderrama
out of the picture.Copy !req
441. So I open up the chest in the attic,Copy !req
442. and there it is!Copy !req
443. Let's just say that was
one very late library book.Copy !req
444. Oh, my God, your sisters love that story.Copy !req
445. Yeah, up top, Jayma. Yeah!Copy !req
446. Up top, Jastenity.Copy !req
447. Okay.Copy !req
448. Whoa.Copy !req
449. My dad never smiles.Copy !req
450. You almost got one there.Copy !req
451. So, um, how didCopy !req
452. your Thanksgiving food plan work out?Copy !req
453. I noticed that you had
a lot of the dinuguan.Copy !req
454. Yeah, it looked so good this year,Copy !req
455. I nixed the yams with the marshmallows.Copy !req
456. Interesting. Uh,
fun fact... I made it.Copy !req
457. No. No, you did not.Copy !req
458. - Yeah.
- Get out of here.Copy !req
459. Are you sure you're not Filipino?Copy !req
460. I wish, I wish I could
be from your country.Copy !req
461. I can only be so lucky.Copy !req
462. Oh, Rebecca.Copy !req
463. It's wonderful that
you are such a bookworm.Copy !req
464. Ah, we have something in common.Copy !req
465. I am in a very interesting book club.Copy !req
466. I love books and clubs.Copy !req
467. Two of my favorite things.Copy !req
468. You should join.Copy !req
469. We would love to have
a young person like you.Copy !req
470. Oh, yeah. I would love to goCopy !req
471. to your book club, too, Mrs. Chan.Copy !req
472. I actually just read a book.Copy !req
473. It's about journaling.Copy !req
474. Lea Michele wrote it.Copy !req
475. Lots of blank pages.Copy !req
476. So it's basically a journal.Copy !req
477. Uh-huh, I see.Copy !req
478. Would you like more turkey, Rebecca?Copy !req
479. Ma, you promised to be
nicer to Valencia this year.Copy !req
480. What?Copy !req
481. What you watching?Copy !req
482. Your soap?Copy !req
483. Yeah, my soap opera.Copy !req
484. I knew it.Copy !req
485. I remember you liked that.Copy !req
486. All of My Days or something like that?Copy !req
487. That's the, that's the one.Copy !req
488. All right, Dad, let me get this out.Copy !req
489. Listen, I love living with you...Copy !req
490. Dad?Copy !req
491. Dad? Damn it!Copy !req
492. We've been here before.Copy !req
493. He needs one in the small of his back.Copy !req
494. Otherwise, the farts have nowhere to go.Copy !req
495. Here, I can do it.Copy !req
496. Oh, thanks, Greg.Copy !req
497. I don't like a hot butt.Copy !req
498. Nobody does, Dad.Copy !req
499. Um, may I speak with you
privately, Mr. Serrano?Copy !req
500. So we were able to stabilize him,Copy !req
501. but we have a couple of concerns.Copy !req
502. One, his oxygen levels are too low,Copy !req
503. so we need to run some more tests.Copy !req
504. And two... your dad keeps
asking me to go outsideCopy !req
505. and have a cigarette and
some whiskey with him.Copy !req
506. - Mm.
- Not okay.Copy !req
507. In a lot of ways.Copy !req
508. Cathy, the menthols?Copy !req
509. I'm sorry he still smokes...Copy !req
510. and drinks and literally eats lard.Copy !req
511. He doesn't listen to me, he never has.Copy !req
512. Well, that's not the problem...
I mean, it is a problem...Copy !req
513. It's just that his emphysema has progressedCopy !req
514. from a stage one to a stage two,Copy !req
515. which means we need to change the protocol,Copy !req
516. add some medications.Copy !req
517. Okay.Copy !req
518. The thing is, our best treatment optionsCopy !req
519. aren't covered by your insurance.Copy !req
520. So if you'd like to proceed,
I'll need your approval.Copy !req
521. How much is it going...?Copy !req
522. Whoa, how am I supposed to pay for that?Copy !req
523. Here you go, I'll take that.Copy !req
524. And I will take that, sir.Copy !req
525. Sit, sit, sit.Copy !req
526. Honestly, I just want some private timeCopy !req
527. so I can lick all these plates myself.Copy !req
528. Too gross or too honest? Take a vote, BRB.Copy !req
529. Oh, honey, well, look at that.Copy !req
530. You've barely eaten anything.Copy !req
531. You must be starving.Copy !req
532. Of course I'm starving.Copy !req
533. I've been starving since 1998.Copy !req
534. You know what, that is
the media telling youCopy !req
535. what your body should be,
and it just gets my goat...Copy !req
536. Oh, cut the crap.Copy !req
537. I see what you're doing,
sucking up to Josh's parents.Copy !req
538. Well, it's not gonna work.Copy !req
539. Parents may love brown-nosers,
but men, like Josh, love me.Copy !req
540. You are out of your depth.Copy !req
541. You don't understand our relationship,Copy !req
542. and you don't understand Josh.Copy !req
543. We have history.Copy !req
544. We have chemistry.Copy !req
545. Well, that's a lot of academic subjects.Copy !req
546. You think he's gonna find you sexyCopy !req
547. when you're spending all
day shopping with his momCopy !req
548. for visors?Copy !req
549. Ooh, girl, hang in there.Copy !req
550. Oh, honey.Copy !req
551. You're having a tough day.Copy !req
552. I get it, the holidays can be stressful.Copy !req
553. Can I get you anything?Copy !req
554. Maybe a hot cup of arroz caldo?Copy !req
555. I don't need chicken soup, thank you.Copy !req
556. Chicken soup is just hot melted fat water.Copy !req
557. You don't belong here...
This is not your family.Copy !req
558. And good luck digesting
all that gross food.Copy !req
559. That's culturally insensitive.Copy !req
560. Time for the family photo.Copy !req
561. Don't belong here? That's ridiculous.Copy !req
562. Smile!Copy !req
563. Hey, Kevin.Copy !req
564. Listen, um...Copy !req
565. I said a lot of regrettable
things yesterday,Copy !req
566. and I wanted you to know I'm sorry.Copy !req
567. You were only saying
what others were thinking.Copy !req
568. Thank you.Copy !req
569. I got a tongue scraper.Copy !req
570. Things are looking hhhheeexxxcellent.Copy !req
571. That's terrific.Copy !req
572. - It's minty.
- Yeah.Copy !req
573. You want your job back, don't you?Copy !req
574. I do.Copy !req
575. You think that's the first
Netflix quit I've seen?Copy !req
576. Had a busboy do the entire
Peter Finch speech from Network.Copy !req
577. Shouted out of a window and everything.Copy !req
578. Oh, it was Javier.Copy !req
579. Welcome back, Greg.Copy !req
580. "I'm mad as hell, and I'm
not gonna take it anymore!"Copy !req
581. Oh, it was great.Copy !req
582. You should have been there.Copy !req
583. Ah, they all come back.Copy !req
584. Greg, you want your job back, it's yours.Copy !req
585. Ah. Ooh.Copy !req
586. Ah, ah.Copy !req
587. I forgot how much fun it
was here... I missed that.Copy !req
588. - Yeah.
- Um, listen, I really appreciate this,Copy !req
589. but I don't want to work
today, it's Thanksgiving,Copy !req
590. and I have seniority, I can pick my shifts.Copy !req
591. Had seniority.Copy !req
592. So sorry.Copy !req
593. Oh, and, uh...Copy !req
594. the toilets are clogged.Copy !req
595. Who flushes a jump rope?Copy !req
596. So sorry.Copy !req
597. Aunt Dhori, I insistCopy !req
598. that you call me.Copy !req
599. I think we have a case here, I really do.Copy !req
600. Listen, if the frozen dinner box saysCopy !req
601. that there are five shrimp,
there should be five, not four.Copy !req
602. Yeah, totally.Copy !req
603. Okay.Copy !req
604. Call me, yeah.Copy !req
605. Rebecca, thank you so
much for coming today.Copy !req
606. We are so thankful God sent you to us.Copy !req
607. Oh...Copy !req
608. "God sent you to us."Copy !req
609. Aw, that's nice, Paula.Copy !req
610. Thought you hated me.Copy !req
611. I do.Copy !req
612. Everyone hates you.Copy !req
613. You're racist.Copy !req
614. Well, um, thanks again for everything.Copy !req
615. I guess I should really go.Copy !req
616. Yeah, you really should.Copy !req
617. - Valencia.
- What? She wants to go.Copy !req
618. Well, good-bye.Copy !req
619. Bye, Jayma. Bye, Jastenity.Copy !req
620. Wait, Rebecca.Copy !req
621. Would you join our family for mass?Copy !req
622. We'd love to have you.Copy !req
623. Um, she's Jewish.Copy !req
624. I would be so honored,
Mrs. Chan, thank you.Copy !req
625. Wow, can I just say,Copy !req
626. you have made me feel like I truly belong.Copy !req
627. Oh, of course you do.Copy !req
628. Great, I'll also join for massCopy !req
629. because I actually believe in Jesus.Copy !req
630. Knock yourself out.Copy !req
631. It's a public place of worship.Copy !req
632. Uh, where is your powder
room really quickly?Copy !req
633. Oh, it's just down the hall, sweetie.Copy !req
634. Okay... thank you.Copy !req
635. I'll be right...Copy !req
636. Thanks.Copy !req
637. Hey. Hey, Paula.Copy !req
638. Hey, cookie, you are crushing it!Copy !req
639. Yeah, I know, it's going so well.Copy !req
640. Okay, listen.Copy !req
641. I have to go to the bathroom,Copy !req
642. but I will call you...Copy !req
643. Wait-wait, wait-wait,
wait, hold on.Copy !req
644. Hold on. Hold it, somebody's here.Copy !req
645. Oh, crap.Copy !req
646. I really have to poo-poo. Okay, hold on.Copy !req
647. I'm so... I try so hard to
be nice to your mom,Copy !req
648. and all she ever gives me is stink face.Copy !req
649. Hold on, shh, shh, shh.Copy !req
650. Babe, babe, babe, she-she loves you.Copy !req
651. And you just stood there doing nothingCopy !req
652. while she sucked up to
everyone like a vacuum cleaner.Copy !req
653. Come on, Rebecca was just being nice.Copy !req
654. - It's Josh and Valencia.
- Nice?Copy !req
655. So naive, Josh!Copy !req
656. You don't see who she really is.Copy !req
657. They're fighting.Copy !req
658. It's so sad.Copy !req
659. Oh, my God, I can hear it.Copy !req
660. You didn't even sit next to me.Copy !req
661. I told you I wanted to
be closer to the turkey.Copy !req
662. I like the skin!Copy !req
663. I can hear it. Why
don't you stick up for me?Copy !req
664. Oh, my God, this is
it... this is the boulder.Copy !req
665. Wait-wait, wait, wait,
wait, shh, shh, shh.Copy !req
666. Wait, wait, I can't hear.Copy !req
667. Wait.Copy !req
668. It's gone quiet.Copy !req
669. What happened?Copy !req
670. Did she kill him?Copy !req
671. What is that sound?Copy !req
672. Wait, I don't know.Copy !req
673. Maybe it's a tiny trampoline.Copy !req
674. Or a ghost with a rusty knee?Copy !req
675. Oh, my God, Rebecca, are they...?Copy !req
676. Oh, no.Copy !req
677. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
678. Run out of the room.Copy !req
679. Just sprint by their
writhing bodies and escape.Copy !req
680. No, no-no, I can't.Copy !req
681. Because if I move, my bowels will explode.Copy !req
682. Like, all over the walls.Copy !req
683. Wait, shh, shh, shh. Shh,
I think they've stopped.Copy !req
684. I think they stopped, hold on, hold on.Copy !req
685. Oh, God, the stamina.Copy !req
686. Why won't this end?Copy !req
687. When is this gonna end?Copy !req
688. Huh.Copy !req
689. Never noticed that before.Copy !req
690. Not bad.Copy !req
691. Hey, Deb, I'll be right with you.Copy !req
692. Hold on. Hold on. Wait, I
think they might be gone.Copy !req
693. Shh. Hold on.Copy !req
694. Oh...Copy !req
695. Yes. Yes.Copy !req
696. Okay, they're gone.Copy !req
697. Go to the bathroom, honey.Copy !req
698. No. I'm gonna make a run for itCopy !req
699. because I can't be in
this house any longer.Copy !req
700. Are you crazy?Copy !req
701. You'll never make it!Copy !req
702. You will never make it.Copy !req
703. There you are!Copy !req
704. Ready for churchCopy !req
705. You know, I really want to go,Copy !req
706. but I have to take a giant...Copy !req
707. rain check.Copy !req
708. Everyone...Copy !req
709. I have an announcement to make.Copy !req
710. Today has been a special day.Copy !req
711. So nice to see everyone hereCopy !req
712. from, you know, Rancho Cucamonga,Copy !req
713. and Stockton, Monrovia,Copy !req
714. Victorville...Copy !req
715. Yeah, all the places!Copy !req
716. I'm so thankful for the wonderful mealCopy !req
717. and for, you know,Copy !req
718. sharing great laughs, as always.Copy !req
719. But there were also
some challenging moments.Copy !req
720. Those moments are really important, too.Copy !req
721. Because of those moments,Copy !req
722. we find out what really mattersCopy !req
723. and are reminded where we belong.Copy !req
724. And I belong...Copy !req
725. with Valencia.Copy !req
726. On that note,Copy !req
727. and in front of the people I love the mostCopy !req
728. and who love me the most...Copy !req
729. V, I want to ask you something.Copy !req
730. Valencia...Copy !req
731. will you move in with me?Copy !req
732. I do!Copy !req
733. I mean, I will.Copy !req
734. - No...
- No...Copy !req
735. Now, who wants to go see Jesus?Copy !req
736. - Hey.
- Hey.Copy !req
737. I brought your robe. I know you hateCopy !req
738. that these hospital gowns
leave your ass hanging out.Copy !req
739. My ass will hang out when I say it should.Copy !req
740. I am the captain of my own ass.Copy !req
741. - I know what you did.
- What?Copy !req
742. One of the nurses ratted you out.Copy !req
743. You spent all your savings?Copy !req
744. On me?Copy !req
745. Why?Copy !req
746. I'm a lost cause.Copy !req
747. Run, like your mother did.Copy !req
748. Save yourself.Copy !req
749. And-and the macaws.Copy !req
750. You need those treatments.Copy !req
751. You gotta go to school. Move out.Copy !req
752. It's-it's time.Copy !req
753. Don't you tell me what to do.Copy !req
754. I make my own decisions,
thank you very much,Copy !req
755. and I'm not going anywhere, sorry.Copy !req
756. - Now...
- Don't, don't... fight me on this.Copy !req
757. Look at you, old man,Copy !req
758. you'd lose.Copy !req
759. You have tubes in your face.Copy !req
760. You know what my father would've doneCopy !req
761. if I talked to him like that?Copy !req
762. He probably would've said,Copy !req
763. "Thank you for saving my life, son."Copy !req
764. Yeah, probably.Copy !req
765. My father was a saint.Copy !req
766. Now, hey... get out of here.Copy !req
767. And get yourself something to eat,Copy !req
768. something decent to eat.Copy !req
769. The food here is garbage.Copy !req
770. I will, in a bit.Copy !req
771. I'm not in a hurry.Copy !req
772. I love you, you know.Copy !req
773. Almost as much as Sinatra,Copy !req
774. and he's a damned good bird.Copy !req
775. Oh, no, no, no.Copy !req
776. - Change that.
- No, no. I don't...Copy !req
777. The beach volleyball, come on.Copy !req
778. - I don't need...
- Oh, look at, look at that.Copy !req
779. La, la, la, la. Oh, Brazil!Copy !req
780. La, la, la, la. Oh, go, baby, go.Copy !req
781. You can make it, you can
make it, you can make it...Copy !req
782. You can do it, baby.Copy !req
783. You can make it. Just don't think about it.Copy !req
784. Oh, thank God...Copy !req
785. Oh... oh...Copy !req
786. Paula, come on.Copy !req
787. Enough with that.Copy !req
788. So, this is our first ThanksgivingCopy !req
789. without Aunt Judy.Copy !req
790. Let's, uh...Copy !req
791. have a moment of silence for her.Copy !req
792. Why...?Copy !req
793. Because she's dead.Copy !req
794. Hey, Paula!Copy !req
795. Come in.Copy !req
796. Oh, I think my spleen is somewhereCopy !req
797. in the municipal sewer system.Copy !req
798. Oh...Copy !req
799. Oh... my butthole's the gateway to hell.Copy !req
800. - You look great.
- Hi!Copy !req
801. What are you doing here?Copy !req
802. You promised me a drink.Copy !req
803. I got tired of waiting.Copy !req
804. Okay. So you just showed up?Copy !req
805. And, like, phones don't exist?Copy !req
806. I decided we're past courtesy.Copy !req
807. I brought
tacos and tequila,Copy !req
808. the food of our forefathers.Copy !req
809. Well, not really yours. Or mine.Copy !req
810. That's really nice.Copy !req
811. But, God, I'm not really in a positionCopy !req
812. to eat that stuff right now.Copy !req
813. I've had the worst Thanksgiving ever.Copy !req
814. Yeah, mine was really bad, too.Copy !req
815. It was like Pearl Harbor
meets the movie Pearl Harbor.Copy !req
816. That's funny.Copy !req
817. Well, feel freeCopy !req
818. to sit down, but I gotta warn you,Copy !req
819. I'm not good company.Copy !req
820. That's okay. I'm used to it.Copy !req
821. Ha, ha, ha!Copy !req
822. You know what? Maybe I
will have some tequila.Copy !req
823. Yeah.Copy !req
824. Oh, no, no, no. Not tacos, though.Copy !req
825. Not gonna handle those tacos right now.Copy !req
826. Here, let me get you a
plate to eat the tacos on,Copy !req
827. because you're a person.Copy !req
828. Uh-oh. Oh, God.Copy !req
829. Oh, no...Copy !req
830. - Where are you... going?
- Okay, okay, okay.Copy !req
831. I'll be back, I'll be back.
Clench, Becky. Clench, Becky.Copy !req
832. You can do it. Okay.Copy !req
833. Okay, Becky.Copy !req
834. Let's see what's on my queue.Copy !req
835. No.Copy !req
836. Mm... no. Sorry you
had to see that.Copy !req
837. Ooh! Documentary about a
whale that didn't have parents.Copy !req
838. Mm. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
839. That says Thanksgiving.Copy !req
840. So... how'd your dad take the news?Copy !req
841. Oh, yeah, that didn't happen.Copy !req
842. Really? He asked you to stay?Copy !req
843. Nah, it's just...Copy !req
844. The thing is,Copy !req
845. he's always been there for me,Copy !req
846. my whole life.Copy !req
847. The only person, actually.Copy !req
848. God...Copy !req
849. it's nice that you have that.Copy !req
850. 'Cause not everyone does.Copy !req
851. That whale didn't.Copy !req
852. No.Copy !req
853. Have you thought about night school?Copy !req
854. Yeah. It's funny you say that.Copy !req
855. I have been thinking about it.Copy !req
856. Do it!Copy !req
857. Maybe I will.Copy !req
858. Okay.Copy !req
859. Why does Netflix always want meCopy !req
860. to watch Leaving Las Vegas?Copy !req
861. What are they trying to tell me?Copy !req
862. Wait.Copy !req
863. I know exactly what we should watch.Copy !req
864. There. I saved you the pork adoboCopy !req
865. and the turkey skin, Anak.Copy !req
866. Thanks, Mom.Copy !req
867. Hey, that was a great sermon, huh?Copy !req
868. Perfect combination of guilt and...Copy !req
869. No, I guess it was just guilt.Copy !req
870. I wasn't even paying attention.Copy !req
871. I was just... so happy.Copy !req
872. I'm going to bed.Copy !req
873. All I ask isCopy !req
874. if you're going to go against
the church and live in sin,Copy !req
875. be consistent and use contraception, okay?Copy !req
876. Thanks, Mom. Good night.Copy !req
877. You want to hear something funny?Copy !req
878. You want to know who I'm
most thankful for today?Copy !req
879. Rebecca.Copy !req
880. What? Why?Copy !req
881. But don't get me wrong. She's
the worst and I hate her.Copy !req
882. But if it wasn't for us fighting about her,Copy !req
883. we wouldn't be moving in together!Copy !req
884. So, which part of town should we live in?Copy !req
885. - Uh, I haven't thought about it yet.
- Well, I have,Copy !req
886. because I have my eye on
a duplex on South CameronCopy !req
887. with a backyard and shuttersCopy !req
888. and French doors and Spanish
tile and an orange tree.Copy !req
889. It has two bedrooms,
which would be perfect,Copy !req
890. because I need the extra
room to practice my Ashtanga.Copy !req
891. The World Dog Awards.Copy !req
892. Now that says Thanksgiving.Copy !req
893. I hate to say it, but that bloodhoundCopy !req
894. could definitely benefit
from a juice cleanse.Copy !req
895. - Mm-hmm, yeah.
- Whoa.Copy !req
896. Yes, that is one portly puppy.Copy !req
897. Mm.Copy !req
898. Oh, here.Copy !req
899. Here you go.Copy !req
900. No one likes a hot butt.Copy !req
901. Hmm.Copy !req
902. Oh, my God, I can't
believe I'm eating again.Copy !req
903. Yeah, I was gonna say,
speaking of portly puppies.Copy !req
904. - Woof! Woof!
- That's not nice. That's not nice.Copy !req
905. - Woof! Woof! Woof!
- You've lost your pillow privileges.Copy !req
906. - Ooh, ooh, giant pillow!
- No! That's unfair!Copy !req
907. Oh.Copy !req
908. No! Not Greg. Josh! Josh!Copy !req
909. I worked so hard for nothing!Copy !req
910. Another story, Miss Rebecca.Copy !req
911. 'Twas the night of the
Dunster House Formal.Copy !req
912. The place? Harvard.Copy !req
913. The year? 2008.Copy !req
914. I remember it specificallyCopy !req
915. because I had a Barack Obama bobble-headCopy !req
916. perched on my nightstand.Copy !req
917. And as I was being rhythmically trashedCopy !req
918. by a junior visiting from
the Brown improv troupe,Copy !req
919. the bobble-head nodded
up and down as if to say,Copy !req
920. "Yes, yes, you have made
another terrible decision,Copy !req
921. you silly, weak woman."Copy !req
922. Mommy!
- I was out of stories!Copy !req