Crazy Ex-Girlfriend 1x5

1. Hey! You have any change?

2. Oh, sorry. I only have 20s.

3. I got them from working.

4. How cute were we at summer camp?

5. Look, oh, there's us in the Camp Canyon Grove lunch line.

6. Oh. So cute!

7. There's you lifting weights.

8. Supes cute.

9. There's you flexing. Cute, cute, cute.

10. Oh, this is you in the camp chapel.

11. Remember? You were the only one who went in there.

12. Yeah, I know it's not cool

13. to believe in God and stuff, but I do.

14. Oh, my God. That's, like... that's insane.

15. I believe in God, too.

16. What are the odds?

17. I think a lot of people believe in...

18. Hey, man.

19. What's wrong?

20. Sorry, it's... Greg's over there,

21. and I haven't really seen him since our... our date.

22. You took some guy home

23. from our date

24. and slept with him? What is wrong with you?

25. Hi!

26. - How are you? - I'm good.

27. I'd ask how you are, but I already know.

28. You're terrible.

29. W-what?

30. She's horrible.

31. What are you talking about? What did she do?

32. What didn't she do?

33. Um, Greg, what are you doing?

34. Don't say anything. What are...? What?

35. It's nothing. Uh, uh, oh, oh, no, don't worry.

36. I won't tell him anything. Why? Because I'm not terrible.

37. O-okay, maybe you had a bad date, but Rebecca is awesome.

38. She just moved here

39. and already she's done

40. so much for everybody.

41. No, I can't argue with that.

42. She has done so, so much.

43. What's this? Oh, no, no, no, no. It's nothing! It's nothing!

44. Pictures from your little summer camp fling, which you lied to me

45. and everyone else about.

46. Dude, you're being a little harsh to Rebecca.

47. Okay? Are you gonna defend her?

48. You're just as bad, Chan.

49. Look at you.

50. Cuddling up over Boba when you know

51. your girlfriend would not be cool with that.

52. There's a word for that. What is it?

53. Oh, yeah. Terrible.

54. Number 31!

55. That's me.

56. Bye, liars and terrible people.

57. That was ridiculous.

58. He is ridiculous.

59. Who just marches up to people and tells them they're terrible?

60. - I know, right? - That's insane!

61. No one has ever said anything

62. like that to me before in my life!

63. Yeah, me neither.

64. You're selfish and dramatic and weird.

65. You drove your father out of this house.

66. You're terrible!

67. Yeah. I mean, yeah, that's a...

68. That's a bad thing to say to somebody.

69. That would scar you.

70. There is nothing wrong with us. Especially not you.

71. You're great! You're awesome.

72. - I should go. - Well, I should probably go.

73. - Oh, yeah, let's go. - Yeah, here you go. Yeah.

74. Okay. Okay, yup.

75. I don't care what he says.

76. I am a good person. I'm a great person.

77. I do good things all the time, like...

78. Hi. Here.

79. Yes.

80. And is there anything else that I can do for you today?

81. So I did something

82. that wasn't great.

83. I mean, yeah, I'm not proud of it,

84. especially since I came to this city for a new start.

85. I guess I messed that up.

86. But what I did wasn't, like, Hitler level or anything.

87. This is a really nice car.

88. Oh, thanks! It's a 2015 Hyundai Sonata.

89. It has 185 horsepower, 17-inch alloy wheels,

90. a four-cylinder engine, heated seats,

91. and a hands-free smart trunk.

92. Greg is so wrong about me.

93. I'll show him. You just watch.

94. Yeah, you can let me out here.

95. What's your damage?

96. That's a sexist term.

97. Can you guys stop singing for just a second?

98. The situation's a lot more nuanced than that.

99. Okay! We get it!

100. Hey.

101. Hey, would you mind...

102. Turning that down?

103. Has to be loud.

104. If I can't hear the bass, my rhythm's off.

105. Hello?

106. Oh, hello. I'm sorry, Pamela.

107. Paula.

108. Oh, well... I apologized to Pamela,

109. so I guess I'm not sorry.

110. Hey.

111. Hey, Pam-spray,

112. did you rewrite my brief for the Caswick case?

113. Yeah, three days ago.

114. It's on your desk.

115. Oh, then I spilled some coffee on that bad boy.

116. Can you hop on your Pamster wheel and print me up

117. another one?

118. Nope. You're rude.

119. And you're Pam.

120. Ooh!

121. Oh, Karen, did you file those briefs?

122. No, I'm sorry, my snake is sick, and I just can't focus

123. whenever my snake is sick.

124. Also, my internet is down,

125. so I can't post about it on my YouTube channel.

126. So I was gonna tweet about it instead,

127. but then my account got hacked again, so...

128. Okay, Karen, Karen, you told me all of this this morning,

129. and you're my case assistant, and I just...

130. I really need you to focus.

131. I need to go. My electrolytes are low.

132. These people are such garbage.

133. Okay, no big deal,

134. but I got lattes for the entire office.

135. That's right, more than three bucks!

136. And everyone's name is written correctly on the cup.

137. Also, I brought donuts for everybody.

138. And I'm not talking about the plain ones, no,

139. they got all the goop on them.

140. So come get it.

141. Oh, Karen. I saw that flyer last week.

142. Are you still crowdfunding for Long John Slither's fang cancer?

143. Yeah, I just found out

144. - it's terminal. - Oh, my God.

145. We're gonna fight this, okay?

146. I pledge $1,000

147. to help your sick snake.

148. - Oh, thank... thank you. - Yes.

149. He's in so much pain.

150. So...

151. Clearly, you're still on this

152. "I'm a good person" thing.

153. I mean, Greg really got to me this morning.

154. Oh, come on!

155. You are not a terrible person.

156. Greg is just a whiny little bitch.

157. Yeah.

158. And sexy.

159. He should be

160. a-a search term on porn sites.

161. Okay.

162. But who cares what he thinks?

163. Well, I care what he thinks,

164. because I care what me thinks

165. and me wants me to be a good person.

166. Am I a good person?

167. Being a good person is overrated.

168. I mean, who cares about that?

169. Darryl!

170. Darryl, Darryl, Darryl.

171. Just the man I wanted to see.

172. Are you still selling chocolate bars

173. for your daughter's baseball team?

174. - Mm-hmm. - Okay, great.

175. I'm gonna buy all of the chocolate bars.

176. All.

177. All!

178. Yeah.

179. Now, you might be thinking, "what?

180. "Rebecca, that's too nice.

181. It's too good."

182. Well, that's who I am, people.

183. My goodness

184. in "on fleek," as the Internet says.

185. Oh! But, Darryl, what's wrong?

186. Shut the door.

187. If anyone needs me,

188. I'll be in here helping Darryl.

189. We're all clear?

190. Great.

191. What's wrong, buddy?

192. It's my stupid wife Stacey.

193. She's trying to get primary custody of my daughter.

194. Jiminy Christmas.

195. I'm the primary parent.

196. I spend way more time with Madison than she does.

197. I mean...

198. She's just jealous.

199. I mean, what if I lose Madison?

200. Oh, I'm in my own private hell.

201. Well, it doesn't have to be private anymore, Darryl.

202. Come on.

203. Everybody...

204. I have an announcement to make.

205. Gather around, it's very exciting.

206. As we all know,

207. our boss, Darryl Whitefeather,

208. has been going through a very terrible divorce.

209. Yeah, you know, the "private" part

210. - wasn't the part I wanted to change. - Okay. Yeah.

211. So I have decided to represent him

212. in his divorce case.

213. What? You're gonna represent me?

214. Oh, my gosh, that's all I ever wanted!

215. I mean, you said "no" so many times...

216. Bup-bup-bup, bup-bup-bup.

217. No, I mean, I asked yesterday and you said, "no!"

218. Bup-bup-bup-bup! I was thinking about it.

219. Okay. It's just that, you know, you said "never..."

220. So, Daddy, you ready to get to work?

221. - Mm-hmm! You bet. - Come on.

222. 'Cause Darryl and I need to focus so hard on the case

223. we will be out of the office for the next few days.

224. Um, where are we going?

225. - It doesn't matter. Okay? - No.

226. Hey. Wait a minute.

227. W-what about the Caswick case?

228. We need your help.

229. What are we supposed to do?

230. Maybe actually do your job.

231. Hmm.

232. You can't go.

233. I need approvals.

234. Well, Paula knows the office, like, inside and out.

235. She can handle it all.

236. Paula's not a lawyer.

237. She's a paralegal.

238. You mean she can handle the filing and the coffee.

239. No, Tim.

240. I mean she can supervise everything,

241. including the cases.

242. Yeah, Paula's in charge.

243. Cool, Darryl?

244. Yeah. Sure.

245. Great. Knock 'em dead.

246. Ow.

247. A shard got in my eye.

248. I need some eyewash!

249. Karen!

250. You passive-aggressive,

251. miserable piece of garbage.

252. Shut your garbage face!

253. You heard what they said.

254. I'm in charge now.

255. And we are going to get some friggin' work done around here!

256. Do you hear me?

257. Now go.

258. Um, why are we here?

259. Uh, they have great coffee and free wi-fi.

260. Um, so does our office.

261. Hi.

262. Hi. Yeah.

263. We'd like two coffees over here.

264. And you know what? Just keep it coming,

265. 'cause I'm gonna be doing a lot of helping.

266. Thanks.

267. I like your shirt.

268. So, Darryl, let's talk about this arbitration,

269. where I'll save your daughter.

270. Save her?

271. Is she in danger? I mean, did something happen?

272. No, no, Darryl, that's why I'm here,

273. is to protect you from your evil wife's machinations.

274. Okay, look, the truth is, I just want

275. whatever's best for Madison.

276. I mean, I just want us all to get along.

277. Hey, Chief, just a sec.

278. Hey.

279. Hey, can we get some waters

280. and a breakfast burrito just for me?

281. I'm sorry if we're loud over there.

282. I'm just helping out a friend;

283. a little pro bones work as I like to say.

284. It's Darryl and his divorce.

285. - He has a kid, right? - Yeah, that's why I'm help...

286. Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup.

287. I don't know what you're up to, but this is about a family.

288. This isn't about you.

289. No, I'm aware.

290. I mean, as a child of divorce, I understand that...

291. Oh, spare me, please.

292. Do you forgive me yet?

293. Forgive me, father, for I have sinned.

294. I haven't been to confession in three years.

295. Hmm, my son.

296. You must repent

297. and do 5,000 hail Marys.

298. That's so many.

299. And, uh, 400...

300. Keg stands, dude!

301. It's me, bro!

302. Father Brah, no way!

303. Yeah, I got promoted.

304. I can finally do confession now.

305. That's amazing, Father Brah.

306. Thanks, man, I've been meaning to say

307. thank you so much for the nickname.

308. Oh, yeah, glad you like it.

309. It was super easy to come up with.

310. Father Joseph, father Bro-seph,

311. Father bro, Father Brah... Bam! Psh!

312. I mean, attendance has shot through the roof

313. - since you did that, man. - Nice!

314. Now, what's up, man? What can I do for you?

315. So, I've been with Valencia for, like,

316. forever and I know we're meant to be together.

317. But someone recently said something to me.

318. I don't want to say who.

319. Greg.

320. - It was Greg, mm-hmm. - He said something to me

321. that on one level I didn't think was true.

322. But on another level it is true.

323. So there are, like, two things going in in my brain right now.

324. Two things are a lot for one brain.

325. Okay, so let's simplify.

326. What's really bothering you?

327. Just tell me straight up from your heart, dude.

328. I think I might be attracted to someone besides Valencia.

329. Don't get me wrong.

330. I still love Valencia.

331. But there is another girl.

332. Yeah, I hear you, J-town, I mean,

333. look, let... Tell you what.

334. Let's take this to a higher court.

335. So, you're saying that one day, you want to marry Valencia,

336. have kidlings and, like,

337. live happily ever after.

338. Right, so then, when I find myself

339. thinking about this other girl...

340. - That's a foul, dude. - I know, I feel terrible!

341. No, I mean, like, like, watch your elbows.

342. Oh. So, I think about Rebecca's smile,

343. you know, her hair, her boobs, her butt,

344. her... boobs.

345. Well, it's natural to have those feelings, dawg.

346. But it's not just that Rebecca makes me feel great.

347. You know, she believes in me in a way that nobody else does.

348. Well, that's... major.

349. And that's not all.

350. I do other things that are sinful.

351. I've had premarital sex.

352. Lots of it. And sometimes I watch

353. adult content and I take care of myself.

354. And I don't mean in the vitamin/exercising kind of way.

355. Okay, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup.

356. Look, dude.

357. The way I see it... you're lucky.

358. No, man, this moral crisis you're having?

359. It's a chance to look within.

360. Like, God is personally inviting you to take stock of your life.

361. So, here's an assignment, okay?

362. For, like, the next 24 hours,

363. what I want you to do is write down all the thoughts

364. that you think are sinful.

365. Okay.

366. God is challenging you, man.

367. It's an opportunity.

368. - Just like this is an opportunity. - Oh, come on.

369. Oh, nothing but net!

370. And Christ!

371. Oh, Madison, she was such a fussy baby.

372. I mean, she would cry all night long.

373. I mean, these ear-piercing screams, but you know what?

374. Are you listening to me?

375. Yeah, sorry, I-I am.

376. Anyway, she had this first grade teacher,

377. - who was an amazing listener... - Hey! Hey!

378. Uh... do you know where Greg went?

379. He went home.

380. Wait, how'd I miss him?

381. He went through the back door?

382. Wait.

383. I know you... You're that lady

384. on the dartboard in the storage room.

385. Oh.

386. That's how we kid.

387. Me and Greg, yeah.

388. We make a joke about the other person

389. in another room that the other person will never see,

390. and then we never tell the other person about it.

391. It's so funny.

392. Oh, give him my regards.

393. Nice meeting you.

394. Uh-huh.

395. Okay.

396. You know, I'm...

397. - I think I got to call it a day. - Oh...

398. I got to go home and think about this case.

399. I just don't know if there's enough evidence here

400. to redo the custody arrangements.

401. Oh, but you have to come up with something.

402. Wait!

403. Rebecca, look.

404. I need you to understand this is not just another case.

405. And this is not just a favor you're doing for your boss.

406. This means everything to me.

407. Madison is my sun and my moon.

408. She is the candle in the window that guides me home.

409. She's the cream in my coffee!

410. Okay, dude, I got to stop you, sorry.

411. Uh, maybe it's because my father's an abandoning coward.

412. Could be that, but I feel like

413. you should dial back

414. the whole daddy-daughter love thing.

415. It sounds a little like... Amber Alert.

416. What? What are you talking about?

417. A father's love for a daughter

418. is one of the purest loves on earth!

419. Oh, no.

420. I just wish I could explain how I feel about her.

421. I'm gonna try.

422. You know what?

423. That was actually kind of moving.

424. Really?

425. Yes.

426. And it gave me a brilliant idea.

427. Is Madison home from school yet?

428. Don't look so sad.

429. You will get your pho... thank you.

430. You'll get them back at the end of the workday,

431. which may be midnight.

432. I got to go... some bitch wants my phone.

433. Oh, my God, I'm gonna strangle you.

434. Put it in. Put it in. Put it in the box!

435. Thank you.

436. This is my gumball machine!

437. It is not your gumball machine!

438. - It is everybody's gumball machine. - No!

439. You are not Don Draper!

440. Darryl is so damn disorganized.

441. Some of the papers in here are so old.

442. Oh, good news.

443. I found a coupon from Blockbuster.

444. The Color Purple is now available on laser-disc.

445. Okay, that's strange.

446. Paula, Paula?

447. I have a weird tampon thing happening.

448. Bup, bup, bup! Karen, shut it down.

449. Oh, Tim.

450. Oh.

451. Hi, Paula.

452. So now you know my name.

453. Interesting.

454. Listen, I'm sorry about...

455. Bup, bup, bup, bup. Did you say "about"

456. or "a-boot"?

457. That's right, Timster.

458. I know the truth.

459. Please, you can't tell anyone.

460. Don't tell anyone what?

461. That you're not an American citizen?

462. That you've been working in this country illegally

463. on an expired visa, because you're really Canadian?

464. Paula, please, I need this job.

465. I alienated everyone in my firm in Winnipeg.

466. - Shocking. - I came out to L.A. for a convention.

467. I met Darryl at a strip club.

468. We had a night that we swore we would never speak of again.

469. I gave him some fake documents and he never noticed!

470. You know what?

471. I saw through that phony work permit right away.

472. I've been at the firm ever since,

473. watching my long Os

474. and pretending not to like hockey.

475. It's been so difficult.

476. Yeah, no, it sounds harrowing.

477. Look, I know you hate me.

478. And now you got a reason to get rid of me.

479. But I am begging you.

480. Paula, what are you gonna do?

481. I don't know.

482. Because I'm gonna have to talk to Pamela,

483. and she is a real bitch.

484. This one is Snail-y Minaj.

485. This one is Snail-or Swift.

486. And this one is Snail-y Rae Jepsen.

487. Maybe you should name one escargot.

488. I'm sorry.

489. That was... it was a...

490. It was a joke, get it?

491. You're here to talk about my parents, right?

492. Rebecca, you know what, I'm-I'm not too sure about this.

493. Look, honey, I just don't want to put you

494. in the middle of this whole thing...

495. You know, Madison,

496. I think we can tell the judge what you want.

497. Oh, that's easy... I want to live with my dad.

498. "I want to live with Madison's dad.

499. He's the best."

500. Well, thank you, Iggy A-snail-ya.

501. I appreciate that.

502. So, Madison, I'm here to help you get what you want.

503. So if there's anything you could think of

504. that would help me win this case...

505. - Well, let me see. - Yeah, uh-huh.

506. - You know what, this is a mistake. - It's fine. No, shh.

507. Oh.

508. Well, sometimes my mom leaves me home by myself,

509. and I went on her iPad to see where she was,

510. and turns out she goes to a motel with her boss.

511. That's something, right?

512. Oh, come on, Tim's a dick.

513. We can finally get rid of him,

514. send him back to the land

515. of universal health care and nice people.

516. I know.

517. He's got kids, and they're cute.

518. They're probably jerks, too.

519. Like, little Justin Bieber jerks.

520. You know it's true.

521. Wow, this place is so quiet and tidy.

522. What'd you do?

523. She broke our spirit.

524. Great.

525. Okay, you're not gonna believe

526. what has been happening around here.

527. First of all, Karen has been hoarding all the calcium chews.

528. Okay, Paula, I really want to hear about all this,

529. but I actually got to get to the courthouse.

530. I scheduled an emergency hearing for Darryl today.

531. A hearing already?

532. Yeah. Wow.

533. Yeah, I'm gonna bust this case wide open.

534. And when I do... Suck it, Greg.

535. Your honor, what is the emergency?

536. I have a business trip to the Caymans.

537. My plane is leaving today.

538. Your honor, may we begin?

539. What's up, YouTubers?

540. It's episode three of The Snailysitters Club.

541. She has a YouTube channel?

542. I know, right?

543. Everybody has a YouTube channel.

544. Even weird Karen from my office.

545. So tonight, just like last Friday,

546. my mom is with her boss at the motel,

547. and I'm with the best babysitters in the world...

548. My snails, holla!

549. This week is super exciting

550. 'cause me and my snails are gonna make s'mores

551. on the gas stove.

552. Left alone.

553. Gas stove.

554. Some mores.

555. Your honor, she is very mature.

556. And I was only gone for a couple minutes.

557. Half hour at the most.

558. How long were you sleeping with him? Hmm?

559. You worked there for five years.

560. The whole five years?

561. Yeah, but he doesn't talk about his feelings all the time.

562. And he doesn't cry at cat food commercials.

563. Your honor, the evidence of neglect is irrefutable.

564. Ms. Bunch, I have to agree with you.

565. Mr. Whitefeather,

566. I'm granting you

567. temporary full custody of your daughter.

568. Yes.

569. Mrs. Whitefeather, you will have supervised visitation

570. until the custody arrangements are fully finalized.

571. Supervi...

572. Great.

573. Thank you so much

574. for your attention in this matter, your honor.

575. Justice has indeed

576. been served.

577. You are a good person.

578. He is a good person.

579. We are good person.

580. Hey, that mic cost $300!

581. Choking.

582. Sorry, so busy.

583. Say it.

584. Say it or I'll kill your husband.

585. I'll do it, I'll gut him like a fish.

586. - You're a good person. - Aw, thank you.

587. Let's celebrate.

588. - Darryl? - Mm-hmm?

589. What's wrong? We got what we wanted.

590. Oh, look at Madison.

591. - She's so happy. - I know. It's great.

592. I just... my whole life was a lie,

593. but I'll get used to that.

594. Yeah, you will!

595. Yeah! That's the spirit.

596. Barkeep.

597. Your finest champagne.

598. And, ooh, let's see, a mint chocolate chip ice cream

599. for the young lady.

600. Sorry, context...

601. May I present to you a family reunited.

602. What do you suggest?

603. I got Darryl temporary custody.

604. Okay.

605. So?

606. Well, "so"... You said that I was a terrible person.

607. But clearly now I'm not.

608. You're... never mind.

609. What do you mean, "never mind"?

610. What do you mean, "never mind"?

611. Son of a...

612. Hey!

613. My God, I don't understand you.

614. What are you doing? You can't come in here.

615. Oh, just listen to me... I'm out there trying to help somebody,

616. and all I ask is for your forgiveness,

617. and you won't even give it to me.

618. Why?

619. Wow.

620. Either you truly hate me or you're super good at darts.

621. Why do you care what I think?

622. I'm not your priest.

623. I just care, okay?

624. Look, I know... I know that I messed up.

625. And I know that it was, like, so wrong

626. to sleep with another guy on our date.

627. I made a mistake.

628. And so please just forgive me, because I'm imperfect.

629. Why is that so hard?

630. Rebecca, let me be clear here.

631. Unless you can un-have-sex

632. with that guy you ditched me for on our date,

633. I don't care what you do.

634. You could save the world, Avengers-style.

635. So this is about sex.

636. Why didn't you say so?

637. That's an easy thing to rectify.

638. Let's do it, let's do it. It's safe... I'm on the ring.

639. What are you...? No.

640. Yeah, let's get these puppies out of the cage. Stop it, stop it.

641. Let these puppies out of their crate.

642. Stop it, what is... what is wrong with you?

643. I-I'm supposed to forget what happened

644. because you took a case and got some guy temporary custody?

645. "Temporary."

646. I get it.

647. What?

648. I get it, I get it.

649. Yeah, uh-huh, yeah.

650. I don't get it. What?

651. Okay, so new plan.

652. I'm not gonna get you temporary custody.

653. Instead, how would you like it

654. if I got you permanent custody?

655. What? Wait.

656. Yep, that's right. Mmm.

657. I'm gonna get you permanent custody.

658. I'm gonna do it right now.

659. I missed that part.

660. Sorry, that was cryptic, let me explain.

661. I'm gonna go to the bank, withdraw $10,000,

662. and plant it in your wife's suitcase,

663. because it's illegal to take

664. that amount of money over the border.

665. So when she tries to fly to the Cayman Islands,

666. they'll find it and arrest her,

667. and you'll get permanent custody.

668. That's all cleared up.

669. Okay, I'm gonna go to the bank. Bye!

670. Oh, she's bananas.

671. What the hell are you doing?

672. What up?

673. 'Sup?

674. - You got a game? - Yeah.

675. Interfaith League, playing The Chosen Ones today.

676. Cantor Goldstein's got this killer move.

677. He calls it the torah, 'cause you can't touch it.

678. Uh, here-here's my list of sins.

679. Uh, I printed it out.

680. You did it, man... good on you.

681. All right.

682. Okay, so you went to the mall and you saw a sexy mannequin

683. and you wanted to have sex with it.

684. And then you saw another sexy mannequin

685. and you wanted to have sex with that one, too.

686. And then you saw a sexy girl at the mall

687. and you wanted her to watch you have sex

688. with two sexy mannequins.

689. According to this list, you thought about Rebecca a lot.

690. Like, a lot a lot.

691. And all day yesterday,

692. did you act on any of these sinful thoughts?

693. No.

694. Bro-heem, you're good.

695. What matters is what you do, not what you think.

696. What God cares about are our actions.

697. That's all.

698. So you admire Rebecca for her brains and her beauty.

699. I understand that.

700. What's important is...

701. What are you gonna do about these feelings?

702. What happened?

703. Is there something wrong with Madison?

704. Is that why you're here?

705. No.

706. You know what? I'm here for justice.

707. Okay.

708. I don't know what that means, but please stop.

709. You've taken my daughter away.

710. Isn't that enough?

711. I haven't taken your daughter away.

712. You abandoned your daughter.

713. You left her in a house with nothing but snails?

714. - I mean, who does that? - Bup-bup-bup!

715. You have some nerve.

716. So I made some bad mistakes,

717. but I do want what's best for my daughter.

718. I mean, I love her so much.

719. Do you have any idea how hard it is

720. to know that your child prefers their father?

721. Well, no, I don't have kids, personally.

722. - Shocking. - But...

723. I mean, it-it sounds hard.

724. It all sounds hard.

725. What would you know about what I've been through?

726. You're just some soulless lawyer.

727. Oh, yeah, I saw you pump your fist

728. when the judge gave my daughter away.

729. How dare you?

730. Why in the world would you even take on this case?

731. What's wrong with you?

732. I...

733. What is wrong with me?

734. Off the top of my head, I'd say low self-esteem,

735. a lack of maternal affection

736. and a genetic predisposition for anxiety and depression.

737. I did not think that was where you were gonna go.

738. God...

739. Because of that lack

740. of any parental validation,

741. I always seek outside validation from others.

742. And somehow I've made Greg

743. my new moral arbiter in this town.

744. Okay.

745. You know what?

746. I can fix this.

747. We can fix this.

748. Come with me. Come with me.

749. Who the hell is Greg?

750. Do you know what?

751. You have the softest hair.

752. What do you want me to say, people?

753. That she doesn't have the softest hair?

754. And I don't watch her at night when she's sleeping?

755. 'Cause I do.

756. She's a little angel.

757. Right?

758. That's my girl.

759. Mommy! You came to my game!

760. I decided to postpone my trip.

761. - Oh. - You're with the crazy lady.

762. - Hey... - Well, okay.

763. Crazy is a pejorative term

764. and it's an over-generalization

765. of a number of disorders... what?

766. That was so funny, when you pretended

767. like you were gonna put money in my mom's suitcase.

768. Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup.

769. Okay. So, Darryl...

770. - Hmm? - Stacey and I

771. had a talk and we agree

772. that we can settle this custody arrangement together.

773. Yeah.

774. We don't want to damage Madison with our disagreements.

775. That can lead to a whole lot of problems.

776. Ask Rebecca.

777. Yeah. But don't ask me.

778. Seriously, don't.

779. You don't want the whole spiel.

780. So, yes,

781. I believe that we can come up with

782. a fair and equitable arrangement

783. without involving a judge.

784. Does that sound good?

785. Sounds great.

786. Great.

787. Stacey, thank you so much for understanding.

788. Can I have my cash back now?

789. I already bought a hot tub.

790. No...

791. Now, uh, let's go watch your game, guys.

792. - Yeah! - Sure.

793. There we go.

794. Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup-bup.

795. There you go.

796. She had flyaways.

797. Can't have her walking around like that.

798. I guess I just realized

799. family is important.

800. I was letting my own self-interest

801. get in the way of that.

802. So Stacey and I worked out what's best for Madison,

803. and, you know, at the end of the day,

804. I just feel really good about it.

805. Yeah, you're a good little munchkin.

806. Thanks.

807. All right, I'll talk to you later.

808. Tim!

809. Get in here!

810. I've made a decision.

811. Just... give me a couple hours

812. to tell my family, okay?

813. You know, I want to turn you in so much,

814. because you are

815. an actual piece of garbage.

816. But here's the thing:

817. Your family looks sweet,

818. and I have no problem ruining your life,

819. but their lives...

820. Oh, my God, Paula, are...

821. Are you not gonna turn me in to the federales?

822. Don't pretend you have the plight

823. of an actual immigrant, dickweed.

824. I'm sorry.

825. I'll change, I promise.

826. Yeah, I doubt it.

827. That's like asking Karen

828. to not talk about tampons.

829. Actually, I just switched

830. to those new menstrual cups,

831. which I can't figure out.

832. Who wants to help me?

833. I hate her.

834. What?

835. I think his kids are cute, okay?

836. They remind me of my kids in good times,

837. when they were young...

838. You know, before they could talk

839. and steal money from my purse.

840. I haven't gone soft.

841. Stop saying that.

842. Stop it.

843. Don't get mushy, you're making me blush.

844. Remember, don't tell anyone.

845. Then it's not really a good deed.

846. You always know what to say.

847. I'm sorry.

848. I'm really sorry.

849. I don't want your forgiveness, I'm just...

850. I'm really sorry.

851. I got stuck on, like,

852. wanting you to say I was a good person,

853. because if you believed it,

854. then somehow I could believe it, too.

855. I can't say you're a good person,

856. but I saw what you did for Darryl today,

857. so I can say you're a good friend.

858. Not to me... like, definitely not to me...

859. But to other people that aren't me.

860. So now that we're kind of talking again...

861. Do you think I could get a free beer?

862. Because I'm down $10,000...

863. Uh-uh. No.

864. That's fair.

865. Wait, you settled the Caswick case?

866. I know!

867. That was Cas-quick.

868. Oh.

869. Well, somebody got a new stapler. Hmm!

870. Wait. Seriously, Paula, this is amazing.

871. Like, how did you do it?

872. Uh, I think you mean

873. how did Pamela do it? Eh?

874. Dude, it's Paula,

875. and that joke is super old.

876. Oh, okay.

877. See, Jim's like, "oh, duh, okay."Duh..."

878. Oh... oh, he has no friends.

879. Oh, look how sad he is.

880. Oh, he's so sad.

881. Oh, he's crying like a little baby.

882. Oh...

883. Now go wash my car, Tim.

884. Okay.

885. Well, I don't know what you did, but I'm impressed.

886. Thank you.

887. - So, let's get to work. - All right.

888. Right when I get back, in a few minutes.

889. Say hi to Josh for me.

890. It's not... I didn't move here...

891. Uh...

892. Hey.

893. Hi, you texted?

894. Yeah, I-I just, uh...

895. I wanted to talk to you.

896. About what Greg said.

897. It really got me thinking.

898. - Yeah. - About me and you.

899. And what's going on between us.

900. Oh... oh.

901. Um...

902. Oh, 'cause... uh-huh.

903. Do tell?

904. Rebecca, I've really looked within

905. and thought about everything and...

906. I've made my choice.

907. O-okay.

908. I want you to know,

909. I am attracted to you.

910. Very,

911. very attracted to you.

912. Attracted to you... attracted to you...

913. But the thing is...

914. I love Valencia.

915. I plan on staying committed to her.

916. Attracted to you, attracted to you...

917. - Rebecca, are you listening to me? - Yeah!

918. Uh-huh. Mm-hmm.

919. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah.

920. Yeah. Uh-huh.

921. Yep. Mm-hmm.

922. Joyce!

923. You are never gonna believe

924. what Josh just said to me.

925. Hey, guys. Um, welcome to "Getting Real with Karen."

926. This week's review:

927. The Beaver Dam Menstrual Cup by Lady Works.

928. My review, in short? My cup runneth over. Not good.