1. Hey! You have any change?Copy !req
2. Oh, sorry. I only have 20s.Copy !req
3. I got them from working.Copy !req
4. How cute were we at summer camp?Copy !req
5. Look, oh, there's us in the
Camp Canyon Grove lunch line.Copy !req
6. Oh. So cute!Copy !req
7. There's you lifting weights.Copy !req
8. Supes cute.Copy !req
9. There's you flexing. Cute, cute, cute.Copy !req
10. Oh, this is you in the camp chapel.Copy !req
11. Remember? You were the
only one who went in there.Copy !req
12. Yeah, I know it's not coolCopy !req
13. to believe in God and stuff, but I do.Copy !req
14. Oh, my God. That's, like... that's insane.Copy !req
15. I believe in God, too.Copy !req
16. What are the odds?Copy !req
17. I think a lot of people believe in...Copy !req
18. Hey, man.Copy !req
19. What's wrong?Copy !req
20. Sorry, it's... Greg's over there,Copy !req
21. and I haven't really seen
him since our... our date.Copy !req
22. You took some guy homeCopy !req
23. from our dateCopy !req
24. and slept with him?
What is wrong with you?Copy !req
25. Hi!Copy !req
26. - How are you?
- I'm good.Copy !req
27. I'd ask how you are, but I already know.Copy !req
28. You're terrible.Copy !req
29. W-what?Copy !req
30. She's horrible.Copy !req
31. What are you talking
about? What did she do?Copy !req
32. What didn't she do?Copy !req
33. Um, Greg, what are you doing?Copy !req
34. Don't say anything. What are...? What?Copy !req
35. It's nothing. Uh, uh,
oh, oh, no, don't worry.Copy !req
36. I won't tell him anything.
Why? Because I'm not terrible.Copy !req
37. O-okay, maybe you had a bad
date, but Rebecca is awesome.Copy !req
38. She just moved hereCopy !req
39. and already she's doneCopy !req
40. so much for everybody.Copy !req
41. No, I can't argue with that.Copy !req
42. She has done so, so much.Copy !req
43. What's this? Oh, no, no, no,
no. It's nothing! It's nothing!Copy !req
44. Pictures from your little summer
camp fling, which you lied to meCopy !req
45. and everyone else about.Copy !req
46. Dude, you're being a
little harsh to Rebecca.Copy !req
47. Okay? Are you gonna defend her?Copy !req
48. You're just as bad, Chan.Copy !req
49. Look at you.Copy !req
50. Cuddling up over Boba when you knowCopy !req
51. your girlfriend would
not be cool with that.Copy !req
52. There's a word for that. What is it?Copy !req
53. Oh, yeah. Terrible.Copy !req
54. Number 31!Copy !req
55. That's me.Copy !req
56. Bye, liars and terrible people.Copy !req
57. That was ridiculous.Copy !req
58. He is ridiculous.Copy !req
59. Who just marches up to people
and tells them they're terrible?Copy !req
60. - I know, right?
- That's insane!Copy !req
61. No one has ever said anythingCopy !req
62. like that to me before in my life!Copy !req
63. Yeah, me neither.Copy !req
64. You're selfish
and dramatic and weird.Copy !req
65. You drove your father out of this house.Copy !req
66. You're terrible!Copy !req
67. Yeah. I mean, yeah, that's a...Copy !req
68. That's a bad thing to say to somebody.Copy !req
69. That would scar you.Copy !req
70. There is nothing wrong
with us. Especially not you.Copy !req
71. You're great! You're awesome.Copy !req
72. - I should go.
- Well, I should probably go.Copy !req
73. - Oh, yeah, let's go.
- Yeah, here you go. Yeah.Copy !req
74. Okay. Okay, yup.Copy !req
75. I don't care what he says.Copy !req
76. I am a good person. I'm a great person.Copy !req
77. I do good things all the time, like...Copy !req
78. Hi. Here.Copy !req
79. Yes.Copy !req
80. And is there anything else
that I can do for you today?Copy !req
81. So I did somethingCopy !req
82. that wasn't great.Copy !req
83. I mean, yeah, I'm not proud of it,Copy !req
84. especially since I came to
this city for a new start.Copy !req
85. I guess I messed that up.Copy !req
86. But what I did wasn't, like,
Hitler level or anything.Copy !req
87. This is a really nice car.Copy !req
88. Oh, thanks! It's a 2015 Hyundai Sonata.Copy !req
89. It has 185 horsepower,
17-inch alloy wheels,Copy !req
90. a four-cylinder engine, heated seats,Copy !req
91. and a hands-free smart trunk.Copy !req
92. Greg is so wrong about me.Copy !req
93. I'll show him. You just watch.Copy !req
94. Yeah, you can let me out here.Copy !req
95. What's your damage?Copy !req
96. That's a sexist term.Copy !req
97. Can you guys stop
singing for just a second?Copy !req
98. The situation's a lot
more nuanced than that.Copy !req
99. Okay! We get it!Copy !req
100. — Synced and corrected by ChrisKe —
— www.addic7ed.com —Copy !req
101. Hey.Copy !req
102. Hey, would you mind...Copy !req
103. Turning that down?Copy !req
104. Has to be loud.Copy !req
105. If I can't hear the bass, my rhythm's off.Copy !req
106. Hello?Copy !req
107. Oh, hello. I'm sorry, Pamela.Copy !req
108. Paula.Copy !req
109. Oh, well... I apologized to Pamela,Copy !req
110. so I guess I'm not sorry.Copy !req
111. Hey.Copy !req
112. Hey, Pam-spray,Copy !req
113. did you rewrite my brief
for the Caswick case?Copy !req
114. Yeah, three days ago.Copy !req
115. It's on your desk.Copy !req
116. Oh, then I spilled some
coffee on that bad boy.Copy !req
117. Can you hop on your Pamster
wheel and print me upCopy !req
118. another one?Copy !req
119. Nope. You're rude.Copy !req
120. And you're Pam.Copy !req
121. Ooh!Copy !req
122. Oh, Karen, did you file those briefs?Copy !req
123. No, I'm sorry, my snake is
sick, and I just can't focusCopy !req
124. whenever my snake is sick.Copy !req
125. Also, my internet is down,Copy !req
126. so I can't post about
it on my YouTube channel.Copy !req
127. So I was gonna tweet about it instead,Copy !req
128. but then my account got hacked again, so...Copy !req
129. Okay, Karen, Karen, you told
me all of this this morning,Copy !req
130. and you're my case assistant, and I just...Copy !req
131. I really need you to focus.Copy !req
132. I need to go. My electrolytes are low.Copy !req
133. These
people are such garbage.Copy !req
134. Okay, no big deal,Copy !req
135. but I got lattes for the entire office.Copy !req
136. That's right, more than three bucks!Copy !req
137. And everyone's name is
written correctly on the cup.Copy !req
138. Also, I brought donuts for everybody.Copy !req
139. And I'm not talking
about the plain ones, no,Copy !req
140. they got all the goop on them.Copy !req
141. So come get it.Copy !req
142. Oh, Karen. I saw that flyer last week.Copy !req
143. Are you still crowdfunding for
Long John Slither's fang cancer?Copy !req
144. Yeah, I just found outCopy !req
145. - it's terminal.
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
146. We're gonna fight this, okay?Copy !req
147. I pledge $1,000Copy !req
148. to help your sick snake.Copy !req
149. - Oh, thank... thank you.
- Yes.Copy !req
150. He's in so much pain.Copy !req
151. So...Copy !req
152. Clearly, you're still on thisCopy !req
153. "I'm a good person" thing.Copy !req
154. I mean, Greg really got to me this morning.Copy !req
155. Oh, come on!Copy !req
156. You are not a terrible person.Copy !req
157. Greg is just a whiny little bitch.Copy !req
158. Yeah.Copy !req
159. And sexy.Copy !req
160. He should beCopy !req
161. a-a search term on porn sites.Copy !req
162. Okay.Copy !req
163. But who cares what he thinks?Copy !req
164. Well, I care what he thinks,Copy !req
165. because I care what me thinksCopy !req
166. and me wants me to be a good person.Copy !req
167. Am I a good person?Copy !req
168. Being a good person is overrated.Copy !req
169. I mean, who cares about that?Copy !req
170. Darryl!Copy !req
171. Darryl, Darryl, Darryl.Copy !req
172. Just the man I wanted to see.Copy !req
173. Are you still selling chocolate barsCopy !req
174. for your daughter's baseball team?Copy !req
175. - Mm-hmm.
- Okay, great.Copy !req
176. I'm gonna buy all of the chocolate bars.Copy !req
177. All.Copy !req
178. All!Copy !req
179. Yeah.Copy !req
180. Now, you might be thinking, "what?Copy !req
181. "Rebecca, that's too nice.Copy !req
182. It's too good."Copy !req
183. Well, that's who I am, people.Copy !req
184. My goodnessCopy !req
185. in "on fleek," as the Internet says.Copy !req
186. Oh! But, Darryl, what's wrong?Copy !req
187. Shut the door.Copy !req
188. If anyone needs me,Copy !req
189. I'll be in here helping Darryl.Copy !req
190. We're all clear?Copy !req
191. Great.Copy !req
192. What's wrong, buddy?Copy !req
193. It's my stupid wife Stacey.Copy !req
194. She's trying to get primary
custody of my daughter.Copy !req
195. Jiminy Christmas.Copy !req
196. I'm the primary parent.Copy !req
197. I spend way more Te with
Madison than she does.Copy !req
198. I mean...Copy !req
199. She's just jealous.Copy !req
200. I mean, what if I lose Madison?Copy !req
201. Oh, I'm in my own private hell.Copy !req
202. Well, it doesn't have to
be private anymore, Darryl.Copy !req
203. Come on.Copy !req
204. Everybody...Copy !req
205. I have an announcement to make.Copy !req
206. Gather around, it's very exciting.Copy !req
207. As we all know,Copy !req
208. our boss, Darryl Whitefeather,Copy !req
209. has been going through
a very terrible divorce.Copy !req
210. Yeah, you know, the "private" partCopy !req
211. - wasn't the part I wanted to change.
- Okay. Yeah.Copy !req
212. So I have decided to represent himCopy !req
213. in his divorce case.Copy !req
214. What? You're gonna represent me?Copy !req
215. Oh, my gosh, that's all I ever wanted!Copy !req
216. I mean, you said "no" so many times...Copy !req
217. Bup-bup-bup,
bup-bup-bup.Copy !req
218. No, I mean, I asked
yesterday and you said, "no!"Copy !req
219. Bup-bup-bup-bup! I
was thinking about it.Copy !req
220. Okay. It's just that, you
know, you said "never..."Copy !req
221. So, daddy, you ready to get to work?Copy !req
222. - Mm-hmm! You bet.
- Come on.Copy !req
223. 'Carr and I need focus so hard on the caseCopy !req
224. we will be out of the
office for the next few days.Copy !req
225. Um, where are we going?Copy !req
226. - It doesn't matter. Okay?
- No.Copy !req
227. Hey. Wait a minute.Copy !req
228. W-what about the Caswick case?Copy !req
229. We need your help.Copy !req
230. What are we supposed to do?Copy !req
231. Maybe actually do your job.Copy !req
232. Hmm.Copy !req
233. You can't go.Copy !req
234. I need approvals.Copy !req
235. Well, Paula knows the
office, like, inside and out.Copy !req
236. She can handle it all.Copy !req
237. Paula's not a lawyer.Copy !req
238. She's a paralegal.Copy !req
239. You mean she can handle
the filing and the coffee.Copy !req
240. No, Tim.Copy !req
241. I mean she can supervise everything,Copy !req
242. including the cases.Copy !req
243. Yeah, Paula's in charge.Copy !req
244. Cool, Darryl?Copy !req
245. Yeah. Sure.Copy !req
246. Great. Knock 'em dead.Copy !req
247. Ow.Copy !req
248. A shard got in my eye.Copy !req
249. I need some eyewash!Copy !req
250. Karen!Copy !req
251. You passive-aggressive,Copy !req
252. miserable piece of garbage.Copy !req
253. Shut your garbage face!Copy !req
254. You heard what they said.Copy !req
255. I'm in charge now.Copy !req
256. And we are going to get some
friggin' work done around here!Copy !req
257. Do you hear me?Copy !req
258. Now go.Copy !req
259. Um, why are we here?Copy !req
260. Uh, they have great coffee and free wi-fi.Copy !req
261. Um, so does our office.Copy !req
262. Hi.Copy !req
263. Hi. Yeah.Copy !req
264. We'd like two coffees over here.Copy !req
265. And you know what? Just keep it coming,Copy !req
266. 'cause I'm gonna be doing a lot of helping.Copy !req
267. Thanks.Copy !req
268. I like your shirt.Copy !req
269. So, Darryl, let's talk
about this arbitration,Copy !req
270. where I'll save your daughter.Copy !req
271. Save her?Copy !req
272. Is she in danger? I mean,
did something happen?Copy !req
273. No, no, Darryl, that's why I'm here,Copy !req
274. is to protect you from your
evil wife's machinations.Copy !req
275. Okay, look, the truth is, I just wantCopy !req
276. whatever's best for Madison.Copy !req
277. I mean, I just want us all to get along.Copy !req
278. Hey, chief, just a sec.Copy !req
279. Hey.Copy !req
280. Hey, can we get some watersCopy !req
281. and a breakfast burrito just for me?Copy !req
282. I'm sorry if we're loud over there.Copy !req
283. I'm just helping out a friend;Copy !req
284. a little pro bones work as I like to say.Copy !req
285. It's Darryl and his divorce.Copy !req
286. - He has a kid, right?
- Yeah, that's why I'm help...Copy !req
287. Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup.Copy !req
288. I don't know what you're up
to, but this is about a family.Copy !req
289. This isn't about you.Copy !req
290. No, I'm aware.Copy !req
291. I mean, as a child of
divorce, I understand that...Copy !req
292. Oh, spare me, please.Copy !req
293. Do you forgive me yet?Copy !req
294. Forgive me, father, for I have sinned.Copy !req
295. I haven't been to
confession in three years.Copy !req
296. Hmm, my son.Copy !req
297. You must repentCopy !req
298. and do 5,000 hail Marys.Copy !req
299. That's so many.Copy !req
300. And, uh, 400...Copy !req
301. Keg stands, dude!Copy !req
302. It's me, bro!Copy !req
303. Father Brah, no way!Copy !req
304. Yeah, I got promoted.Copy !req
305. I can finally do confession now.Copy !req
306. That's amazing, Father Brah.Copy !req
307. Thanks, man, I've been meaning to sayCopy !req
308. thank you so much for the nickname.Copy !req
309. Oh, yeah, glad you like it.Copy !req
310. It was super easy to come up with.Copy !req
311. Father Joseph, father Bro-seph,Copy !req
312. Father bro, Father
Brah... Bam! Psh!Copy !req
313. I mean, attendance has
shot through the roofCopy !req
314. - since you did that, man.
- Nice!Copy !req
315. Now, what's up, man? What can I do for you?Copy !req
316. So, I've been with Valencia for, like,Copy !req
317. forever and I know we're
meant to be together.Copy !req
318. But someone recently said something to me.Copy !req
319. I don't want to say who.Copy !req
320. Greg.Copy !req
321. - It was Greg, mm-hmm.
- He said something to meCopy !req
322. that on one level I didn't think was true.Copy !req
323. But on another level it is true.Copy !req
324. So there are, like, two things
going in in my brain right now.Copy !req
325. Two things are a lot for one brain.Copy !req
326. Okay, so let's simplify.Copy !req
327. What's really bothering you?Copy !req
328. Just tell me straight
up from your heart, dude.Copy !req
329. I think I might be attracted
to someone besides Valencia.Copy !req
330. Don't get me wrong.Copy !req
331. I still love Valencia.Copy !req
332. But there is another girl.Copy !req
333. Yeah, I hear you, J-town, I mean,Copy !req
334. look, let...
Tell you what.Copy !req
335. Let's take this to a higher court.Copy !req
336. So, you're saying that one
day, you want to marry Valencia,Copy !req
337. have kidlings and, like,Copy !req
338. live happily ever after.Copy !req
339. Right, so then, when I find myselfCopy !req
340. thinking about this other girl...Copy !req
341. - That's a foul, dude.
- I know, I feel terrible!Copy !req
342. No, I mean, like, like, watch your elbows.Copy !req
343. Oh. So, I think about Rebecca's smile,Copy !req
344. you know, her hair, her boobs, her butt,Copy !req
345. her... boobs.Copy !req
346. Well, it's natural to
have those feelings, dawg.Copy !req
347. But it's not just that
Rebecca makes me feel great.Copy !req
348. You know, she believes in me
in a way that nobody else does.Copy !req
349. Well, that's... major.Copy !req
350. And that's not all.Copy !req
351. I do other things that are sinful.Copy !req
352. I've had premarital sex.Copy !req
353. Lots of it. And sometimes I watchCopy !req
354. adult content and I take care of myself.Copy !req
355. And I don't mean in the
vitamin/exercising kind of way.Copy !req
356. Okay, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup.Copy !req
357. Look, dude.Copy !req
358. The way I see
it... you're lucky.Copy !req
359. No, man, this moral crisis you're having?Copy !req
360. It's a chance to look within.Copy !req
361. Like, God is personally inviting
you to take stock of your life.Copy !req
362. So, here's an assignment, okay?Copy !req
363. For, like, the next 24 hours,Copy !req
364. what I want you to do is
write down all the thoughtsCopy !req
365. that you think are sinful.Copy !req
366. Okay.Copy !req
367. God is challenging you, man.Copy !req
368. It's an opportunity.Copy !req
369. - Just like this is an opportunity.
- Oh, come on.Copy !req
370. Oh, nothing but net!Copy !req
371. And Christ!Copy !req
372. Oh, Madison, she was such a fussy baby.Copy !req
373. I mean, she would cry all night long.Copy !req
374. I mean, these ear-piercing
screams, but you know what?Copy !req
375. Are you listening to me?Copy !req
376. Yeah, sorry, I-I am.Copy !req
377. Anyway, she had this first grade teacher,Copy !req
378. - who was an amazing listener...
- Hey! Hey!Copy !req
379. Uh... do you know where Greg went?Copy !req
380. He went home.Copy !req
381. Wait, how'd I miss him?Copy !req
382. He went through the back door?Copy !req
383. Wait.Copy !req
384. I know you...
You're that ladyCopy !req
385. on the dartboard in the storage room.Copy !req
386. Oh.Copy !req
387. That's how we kid.Copy !req
388. Me and Greg, yeah.Copy !req
389. We make a joke about the other per onCopy !req
390. in another room that the
other person will never see,Copy !req
391. and then we never tell
the other person about it.Copy !req
392. It's so funny.Copy !req
393. Oh, give him my regards.Copy !req
394. Nice meeting you.Copy !req
395. Uh-huh.Copy !req
396. Okay.Copy !req
397. You know, I'm...Copy !req
398. - I think I got to call it a day.
- Oh...Copy !req
399. I got to go home and think about this case.Copy !req
400. I just don't know if
there's enough evidence hereCopy !req
401. to redo the custody arrangements.Copy !req
402. Oh, but you have to come up with something.Copy !req
403. Wait!Copy !req
404. Rebecca, look.Copy !req
405. I need you to understand
this is not just another case.Copy !req
406. And this is not just a favor
you're doing for your boss.Copy !req
407. This means everything to me.Copy !req
408. Madison is my sun and my moon.Copy !req
409. She is the candle in the
window that guides me home.Copy !req
410. She's the cream in my coffee!Copy !req
411. Okay, dude, I got to stop you, sorry.Copy !req
412. Uh, maybe it's because my
father's an abandoning coward.Copy !req
413. Could be that, but I feel likeCopy !req
414. you should dial backCopy !req
415. the whole daddy-daughter love thing.Copy !req
416. It sounds a little like... Amber Alert.Copy !req
417. What? What are you talking about?Copy !req
418. A father's love for a daughterCopy !req
419. is one of the purest loves on earth!Copy !req
420. Oh, no.Copy !req
421. I just wish I could explain
how I feel about her.Copy !req
422. I'm gonna try.Copy !req
423. You know what?Copy !req
424. That was actually kind of moving.Copy !req
425. Really?Copy !req
426. Yes.Copy !req
427. And it gave me a brilliant idea.Copy !req
428. Is Madison home from school yet?Copy !req
429. Don't look so sad.Copy !req
430. You will get your
pho... thank you.Copy !req
431. You'll get them back at
the end of the workday,Copy !req
432. which may be midnight.Copy !req
433. I got to go... some
bitch wants my phone.Copy !req
434. Oh, my God, I'm gonna strangle you.Copy !req
435. Put it in. Put it in. Put it in the box!Copy !req
436. Thank you.Copy !req
437. This is my gumball machine!Copy !req
438. It is not your gumball machine!Copy !req
439. - It is everybody's gumball machine.
- No!Copy !req
440. You are not Don Draper!Copy !req
441. Darryl is so damn disorganized.Copy !req
442. Some of the papers in here are so old.Copy !req
443. Oh, good news.Copy !req
444. I found a coupon from Blockbuster.Copy !req
445. The Color Purple is now
available on laser-disc.Copy !req
446. Okay, that's strange.Copy !req
447. Paula, Paula?Copy !req
448. I have a weird tampon thing happening.Copy !req
449. Bup, bup, bup! Karen, shut it down.Copy !req
450. Oh, Tim.Copy !req
451. Oh.Copy !req
452. Hi, Paula.Copy !req
453. So now you know my name.Copy !req
454. Interesting.Copy !req
455. Listen, I'm sorry about...Copy !req
456. Bup, bup, bup, bup. Did you say "about"Copy !req
457. or "a-boot"?Copy !req
458. That's right, Timster.Copy !req
459. I know the truth.Copy !req
460. Please, you can't tell anyone.Copy !req
461. Don't tell anyone what?Copy !req
462. That you're not an American citizen?Copy !req
463. That you've been working
in this country illegallyCopy !req
464. on an expired visa, because
you're really Canadian?Copy !req
465. Paula, please, I need this job.Copy !req
466. I alienated everyone
in my firm in Winnipeg.Copy !req
467. - Shocking.
- I came out to L.A. for a convention.Copy !req
468. I met Darryl at a strip club.Copy !req
469. We would never speak of again.Copy !req
470. I gave him some fake
documents and he never noticed!Copy !req
471. You know what?Copy !req
472. I saw through that phony
work permit right away.Copy !req
473. I've been at the firm ever since,Copy !req
474. watching my long OsCopy !req
475. and pretending not to like hockey.Copy !req
476. It's been so difficult.Copy !req
477. Yeah, no, it sounds harrowing.Copy !req
478. Look, I know you hate me.Copy !req
479. And now you got a reason to get rid of me.Copy !req
480. But I am begging you.Copy !req
481. Paula, what are you gonna do?Copy !req
482. I don't know.Copy !req
483. Because I'm gonna have to talk to Pamela,Copy !req
484. and she is a real bitch.Copy !req
485. This one is Snail-y Minaj.Copy !req
486. This one is Snail-or Swift.Copy !req
487. And this one is Snail-y Rae Jepsen.Copy !req
488. Maybe you should name one escargot.Copy !req
489. I'm sorry.Copy !req
490. That was... it was a...Copy !req
491. It was a joke, get it?Copy !req
492. You're here to talk
about my parents, right?Copy !req
493. Rebecca, you know what,
I'm-I'm not too sure about this.Copy !req
494. Look, honey, I just don't want to put youCopy !req
495. in the middle of this whole thing...Copy !req
496. You know, Madison,Copy !req
497. I think we can tell
the judge what you want.Copy !req
498. Oh, that's easy... I
want to live with my dad.Copy !req
499. "I want to live with Madison's dad.Copy !req
500. He's the best."Copy !req
501. Well, thank you, Iggy A-snail-ya.Copy !req
502. I appreciate that.Copy !req
503. So, Madison, I'm here to
help you get what you want.Copy !req
504. So if there's anything you could think ofCopy !req
505. that would help me win this case...Copy !req
506. - Well, let me see.
- Yeah, uh-huh.Copy !req
507. - You know what, this is a mistake.
- It's fine. No, shh.Copy !req
508. Oh.Copy !req
509. Well, sometimes my mom
leaves me home by myself,Copy !req
510. and I went on her iPad
to see where she was,Copy !req
511. and turns out she goes
to a motel with her boss.Copy !req
512. That's something, right?Copy !req
513. Oh, come on, Tim's a dick.Copy !req
514. We can finally get rid of him,Copy !req
515. send him back to the landCopy !req
516. of universal health care and nice people.Copy !req
517. I know.Copy !req
518. He's got kids, and they're cute.Copy !req
519. They're probably jerks, too.Copy !req
520. Like, little Justin Bieber jerks.Copy !req
521. You know it's true.Copy !req
522. Wow, this place is so quiet and tidy.Copy !req
523. What'd you do?Copy !req
524. She broke our spirit.Copy !req
525. Great.Copy !req
526. Okay, you're not gonna believeCopy !req
527. what has been happening around here.Copy !req
528. First of all, Karen has been
hoarding all the calcium chews.Copy !req
529. Okay, Paula, I really want
to hear about all this,Copy !req
530. but I actually got to get to the courthouse.Copy !req
531. I scheduled an emergency
hearing for Darryl today.Copy !req
532. A hearing already?Copy !req
533. Yeah. Wow.Copy !req
534. Yeah, I'm gonna bust this case wide open.Copy !req
535. And when I do...
Suck it, Greg.Copy !req
536. Your honor, what is the emergency?Copy !req
537. I have a business trip to the Caymans.Copy !req
538. My plane is leaving today.Copy !req
539. Your honor, may we begin?Copy !req
540. What's up, YouTubers?Copy !req
541. It's episode three of
The Snailysitters Club.Copy !req
542. She has a YouTube channel?Copy !req
543. I know, right?Copy !req
544. Everybody has a YouTube channel.Copy !req
545. Even weird Karen from my office.Copy !req
546. So tonight, just like last Friday,Copy !req
547. my mom is with her boss at the motel,Copy !req
548. and I'm with the best
babysitters in the world...Copy !req
549. My snails, holla!Copy !req
550. This week is super excitingCopy !req
551. 'cause me and my snails
are gonna make s'moresCopy !req
552. on the gas stove.Copy !req
553. Left alone.Copy !req
554. Gas stove.Copy !req
555. Some mores.Copy !req
556. Your honor, she is very mature.Copy !req
557. And I was only gone for a couple minutes.Copy !req
558. Half hour at the most.Copy !req
559. How long were you sleeping with him? Hmm?Copy !req
560. You worked there for five years.Copy !req
561. The whole five years?Copy !req
562. Yeah, but he doesn't talk
about his feelings all the time.Copy !req
563. And he doesn't cry at cat food commercials.Copy !req
564. Your honor, the evidence
of neglect is irrefutable.Copy !req
565. Ms. Bunch, I have to agree with you.Copy !req
566. Mr. Whitefeather,Copy !req
567. I'm granting youCopy !req
568. temporary full custody of your daughter.Copy !req
569. Yes.Copy !req
570. Mrs. Whitefeather, you will
have supervised visitationCopy !req
571. until the custody arrangements
are fully finalized.Copy !req
572. Supervi...Copy !req
573. Great.Copy !req
574. Thank you so muchCopy !req
575. for your attention in
this matter, your honor.Copy !req
576. Justice has indeedCopy !req
577. been served.Copy !req
578. You are a good person.Copy !req
579. He is a good person.Copy !req
580. We are good person.Copy !req
581. Hey, that mic cost $300!Copy !req
582. Choking.Copy !req
583. Sorry, so busy.Copy !req
584. Say it.Copy !req
585. Say it or I'll kill your husband.Copy !req
586. I'll do it, I'll gut him like a fish.Copy !req
587. You're a good
person. Aw, thank you.Copy !req
588. Let's celebrate.Copy !req
589. - Darryl?
- Mm-hmm?Copy !req
590. What's wrong? We got what we wanted.Copy !req
591. Oh, look at Madison.Copy !req
592. - She's so happy.
- I know. It's great.Copy !req
593. I just... my whole life was a lie,Copy !req
594. but I'll get used to that.Copy !req
595. Yeah, you will!Copy !req
596. Yeah! That's the spirit.Copy !req
597. Barkeep.Copy !req
598. Your finest champagne.Copy !req
599. And, ooh, let's see, a mint
chocolate chip ice creamCopy !req
600. for the young lady.Copy !req
601. Sorry, Context...Copy !req
602. May I present to you a family reunited.Copy !req
603. What do you suggest?Copy !req
604. I got Darryl temporary custody.Copy !req
605. Okay.Copy !req
606. So?Copy !req
607. Well, "so"... You said that
I was a terrible person.Copy !req
608. But clearly now I'm not.Copy !req
609. You're... never mind.Copy !req
610. What do you mean, "never mind"?Copy !req
611. What do you mean, "never mind"?Copy !req
612. Son of a...Copy !req
613. Hey!Copy !req
614. My God, I don't understand you.Copy !req
615. What are you doing? You can't come in here.Copy !req
616. Oh, just listen to me... I'm out
there trying to help somebody,Copy !req
617. and all I ask is for your forgiveness,Copy !req
618. and you won't even give it to me.Copy !req
619. Why?Copy !req
620. Wow.Copy !req
621. Either you truly hate me or
you're super good at darts.Copy !req
622. Why do you care what I think?Copy !req
623. I'm not your priest.Copy !req
624. I just care, okay?Copy !req
625. Look, I know... I know that I messed up.Copy !req
626. And I know that it was, like, so wrongCopy !req
627. to sleep with another guy on our date.Copy !req
628. I made a mistake.Copy !req
629. And so please just forgive
me, because I'm imperfect.Copy !req
630. Why is that so hard?Copy !req
631. Rebecca, let me be clear here.Copy !req
632. Unless you
can Un-have-sexCopy !req
633. with that guy you ditched
me for on our date,Copy !req
634. I don't care what you do.Copy !req
635. You could save the world, Avengers-style.Copy !req
636. So this is about sex.Copy !req
637. Why didn't you say so?Copy !req
638. That's an easy thing to rectify.Copy !req
639. Let's do it, let's do it. It's safe...
I'm on the ring.Copy !req
640. What are you...? No.Copy !req
641. Yeah, let's get these puppies
out of the cage. Stop it, stop it.Copy !req
642. Let these puppies
out of their crate.Copy !req
643. Stop it, what is...
what is wrong with you?Copy !req
644. I-I'm supposed to forget what happenedCopy !req
645. because you took a case and
got some guy temporary custody?Copy !req
646. "Temporary."Copy !req
647. I get it.Copy !req
648. What?Copy !req
649. I get it, I get it.Copy !req
650. Yeah, uh-huh, yeah.Copy !req
651. I don't get it. What?Copy !req
652. Okay, so new plan.Copy !req
653. I'm not gonna get you temporary custody.Copy !req
654. Instead, how would you like itCopy !req
655. if I got you permanent custody?Copy !req
656. What? Wait.Copy !req
657. Yep, that's right. Mmm.Copy !req
658. I'm gonna get
you permanent custody.Copy !req
659. I'm gonna do it right now.Copy !req
660. I missed that part.Copy !req
661. Sorry, that was cryptic, let me explain.Copy !req
662. I'm gonna go to the bank, withdraw $10,000,Copy !req
663. and plant it in your wife's suitcase,Copy !req
664. because it's illegal to takeCopy !req
665. that amount of money over the border.Copy !req
666. So when she tries to fly
to the Cayman Islands,Copy !req
667. they'll find it and arrest her,Copy !req
668. and you'll get permanent custody.Copy !req
669. That's all cleared up.Copy !req
670. Okay, I'm gonna go to the bank. Bye!Copy !req
671. Oh, she's bananas.Copy !req
672. What the hell are you doing?Copy !req
673. What up?Copy !req
674. 'Sup?Copy !req
675. - You got a game?
- Yeah.Copy !req
676. Interfaith League, playing
The Chosen Ones today.Copy !req
677. Cantor Goldstein's got this killer move.Copy !req
678. He calls it the torah,
'cause you can't touch it.Copy !req
679. Uh, here-here's my list of sins.Copy !req
680. Uh, I printed it out.Copy !req
681. You did it,
man... good on you.Copy !req
682. All right.Copy !req
683. Okay, so you went to the mall
and you saw a sexy mannequinCopy !req
684. and you wanted to have sex with it.Copy !req
685. And then you saw another sexy mannequinCopy !req
686. and you wanted to have
sex with that one, too.Copy !req
687. And then you saw a sexy girl at the mallCopy !req
688. and you wanted her to watch you have sexCopy !req
689. with two sexy mannequins.Copy !req
690. According to this list, you
thought about Rebecca a lot.Copy !req
691. Like, a lot a lot.Copy !req
692. And all day yesterday,Copy !req
693. did you act on any of
these sinful thoughts?Copy !req
694. No.Copy !req
695. Bro-heem, you're good.Copy !req
696. What matters is what you
do, not what you think.Copy !req
697. What God cares about are our actions.Copy !req
698. That's all.Copy !req
699. So you admire Rebecca for
her brains and her beauty.Copy !req
700. I understand that.Copy !req
701. What's important is...Copy !req
702. What are you gonna do about these feelings?Copy !req
703. What happened?Copy !req
704. Is there something wrong with Madison?Copy !req
705. Is that why you're here?Copy !req
706. No.Copy !req
707. You know what? I'm here for justice.Copy !req
708. Okay.Copy !req
709. I don't know what that
means, but please stop.Copy !req
710. You've taken my daughter away.Copy !req
711. Isn't that enough?Copy !req
712. I haven't taken your daughter away.Copy !req
713. You abandoned your daughter.Copy !req
714. You left her in a house
with nothing but snails?Copy !req
715. I mean, who does
that? Bup-bup-bup!Copy !req
716. You have some nerve.Copy !req
717. So I made some bad mistakes,Copy !req
718. but I do want what's best for my daughter.Copy !req
719. I mean, I love her so much.Copy !req
720. Do you have any idea how hard it isCopy !req
721. to know that your child
prefers their father?Copy !req
722. Well, no, I don't have kids, personally.Copy !req
723. - Shocking.
- But...Copy !req
724. I mean, it-it sounds hard.Copy !req
725. It all sounds hard.Copy !req
726. What would you know about
what I've been through?Copy !req
727. You're just some soulless lawyer.Copy !req
728. Oh, yeah, I saw you pump your fistCopy !req
729. when the judge gave my daughter away.Copy !req
730. How dare you?Copy !req
731. Why in the world would
you even take on this case?Copy !req
732. What's wrong with you?Copy !req
733. I...Copy !req
734. What is wrong with me?Copy !req
735. Off the top of my head,
I'd say low self-esteem,Copy !req
736. a lack of maternal affectionCopy !req
737. and a genetic predisposition
for anxiety and depression.Copy !req
738. I did not think that was
where you were gonna go.Copy !req
739. God...Copy !req
740. Because of that lackCopy !req
741. of any parental validation,Copy !req
742. I always seek outside
validation from others.Copy !req
743. And somehow I've made GregCopy !req
744. my new moral arbiter in this town.Copy !req
745. Okay.Copy !req
746. You know what?Copy !req
747. I can fix this.Copy !req
748. We can fix this.Copy !req
749. Come with me. Come with me.Copy !req
750. Who the hell is Greg?Copy !req
751. Do you know what?Copy !req
752. You have the softest hair.Copy !req
753. What do you want me to say, people?Copy !req
754. That she doesn't have the softest hair?Copy !req
755. And I don't watch her at
night when she's sleeping?Copy !req
756. 'Cause I do.Copy !req
757. She's a little angel.Copy !req
758. Right?Copy !req
759. That's my girl.Copy !req
760. Mommy! You came to my game!Copy !req
761. I decided to postpone my trip.Copy !req
762. - Oh.
- You're with the crazy lady.Copy !req
763. - Hey...
- Well, okay.Copy !req
764. Crazy is a pejorative termCopy !req
765. and it's an over-generalizationCopy !req
766. of a number of disorders... what?Copy !req
767. That was so funny, when you pretendedCopy !req
768. like you were gonna put
money in my mom's suitcase.Copy !req
769. Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup.Copy !req
770. Okay. So, Darryl...Copy !req
771. - Hmm?
- Stacey and ICopy !req
772. had a talk and we agreeCopy !req
773. that we can settle this
custody arrangement together.Copy !req
774. Yeah.Copy !req
775. We don't want to damage
Madison with our disagreements.Copy !req
776. That can lead to a whole lot of problems.Copy !req
777. Ask Rebecca.Copy !req
778. Yeah. But don't ask me.Copy !req
779. Seriously, don't.Copy !req
780. You don't want the whole spiel.Copy !req
781. So, yes,Copy !req
782. I believe that we can come up withCopy !req
783. a fair and equitable arrangementCopy !req
784. without involving a judge.Copy !req
785. Does that sound good?Copy !req
786. Sounds great.Copy !req
787. Great.Copy !req
788. Stacey, thank you so
much for understanding.Copy !req
789. Can I have my cash back now?Copy !req
790. I already bought a hot tub.Copy !req
791. No...Copy !req
792. Now, uh, let's go watch your game, guys.Copy !req
793. - Yeah!
- Sure.Copy !req
794. There we go.Copy !req
795. Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup-bup.Copy !req
796. There you go.Copy !req
797. She had flyaways.Copy !req
798. Can't have her walking around like that.Copy !req
799. I guess I just realizedCopy !req
800. family is important.Copy !req
801. I was letting my own self-interestCopy !req
802. get in the way of that.Copy !req
803. So Stacey and I worked out
what's best for Madison,Copy !req
804. and, you know, at the end of the day,Copy !req
805. I just feel really good about it.Copy !req
806. Yeah, you're a good little munchkin.Copy !req
807. Thanks.Copy !req
808. All right, I'll talk to you later.Copy !req
809. Tim!Copy !req
810. Get in here!Copy !req
811. I've made a decision.Copy !req
812. Just... give me a couple hoursCopy !req
813. to tell my family, okay?Copy !req
814. You know, I want to turn you in so much,Copy !req
815. because you areCopy !req
816. an actual piece of garbage.Copy !req
817. But here's the thing:Copy !req
818. Your family looks sweet,Copy !req
819. and I have no problem ruining your life,Copy !req
820. but their lives...Copy !req
821. Oh, my God, Paula, are...Copy !req
822. Are you not gonna turn
me in to the federales?Copy !req
823. Don't pretend you have the plightCopy !req
824. of an actual immigrant, dickweed.Copy !req
825. I'm sorry.Copy !req
826. I'll change, I promise.Copy !req
827. Yeah, I doubt it.Copy !req
828. That's like asking KarenCopy !req
829. to not talk about tampons.Copy !req
830. Actually, I just switchedCopy !req
831. to those new menstrual cups,Copy !req
832. which I can't figure out.Copy !req
833. Who wants to help me?Copy !req
834. I hate her.Copy !req
835. What?Copy !req
836. I think his kids are cute, okay?Copy !req
837. They remind me of my kids in good times,Copy !req
838. when they were young...Copy !req
839. You know, before they could talkCopy !req
840. and steal money from my purse.Copy !req
841. I haven't gone soft.Copy !req
842. Stop saying that.Copy !req
843. Stop it.Copy !req
844. Don't get mushy, you're making me blush.Copy !req
845. Remember, don't tell anyone.Copy !req
846. Then it's not really a good deed.Copy !req
847. You always know what to say.Copy !req
848. I'm sorry.Copy !req
849. I'm really sorry.Copy !req
850. I don't want your forgiveness, I'm just...Copy !req
851. I'm really sorry.Copy !req
852. I got stuck on, like,Copy !req
853. wanting you to say I was a good person,Copy !req
854. because if you believed it,Copy !req
855. then somehow I could believe it, too.Copy !req
856. I can't say you're a good person,Copy !req
857. but I saw what you did for Darryl today,Copy !req
858. so I can say you're a good friend.Copy !req
859. Not to me... like,
definitely not to me...Copy !req
860. But to other people that aren't me.Copy !req
861. So now that we're kind of talking again...Copy !req
862. Do you think I could get a free beer?Copy !req
863. Because I'm down $10,000...Copy !req
864. Uh-uh. No.Copy !req
865. That's fair.Copy !req
866. Wait, you settled the Caswick case?Copy !req
867. I know!Copy !req
868. That was Cas-quick.Copy !req
869. Oh.Copy !req
870. Well, somebody got a new stapler. Hmm!Copy !req
871. Wait. Seriously, Paula, this is amazing.Copy !req
872. Like, how did you do it?Copy !req
873. Uh, I think you meanCopy !req
874. how did Pamela do it? Eh?Copy !req
875. Dude, it's Paula,Copy !req
876. and that joke is super old.Copy !req
877. Oh, okay.Copy !req
878. See, Jim's like, "oh, duh, okay."Duh..."Copy !req
879. Oh... oh, he has no friends.Copy !req
880. Oh, look how sad he is.Copy !req
881. Oh, he's so sad.Copy !req
882. Oh, he's crying like a little baby.Copy !req
883. Oh...Copy !req
884. Now go wash my car, Tim.Copy !req
885. Okay.Copy !req
886. Well, I don't know what
you did, but I'm impressed.Copy !req
887. Thank you.Copy !req
888. - So, let's get to work.
- All right.Copy !req
889. Right when I get back, in a few minutes.Copy !req
890. Say hi to Josh for me.Copy !req
891. It's not... I didn't move here...Copy !req
892. Uh...Copy !req
893. Hey.Copy !req
894. Hi, you texted?Copy !req
895. Yeah, I-I just, uh...Copy !req
896. I wanted to talk to you.Copy !req
897. About what Greg said.Copy !req
898. It really got me thinking.Copy !req
899. - Yeah.
- About me and you.Copy !req
900. And what's going on between us.Copy !req
901. Oh... oh.Copy !req
902. Um...Copy !req
903. Oh, 'cause... uh-huh.Copy !req
904. Do tell?Copy !req
905. Rebecca, I've really looked withinCopy !req
906. and thought about everything and...Copy !req
907. I've made my choice.Copy !req
908. O-okay.Copy !req
909. I want you to know,Copy !req
910. I am attracted to you.Copy !req
911. Very,Copy !req
912. very attracted to you.Copy !req
913. Attracted to you... attracted to you...Copy !req
914. But the thing is...Copy !req
915. I love Valencia.Copy !req
916. I plan on staying committed to her.Copy !req
917. Attracted to you, attracted to you...Copy !req
918. - Rebecca, are you listening to me?
- Yeah!Copy !req
919. Uh-huh.
Mm-hmm.Copy !req
920. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
921. Yeah. Uh-huh.Copy !req
922. Yep. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
923. Joyce!Copy !req
924. You are never gonna believeCopy !req
925. what Josh just said to me.Copy !req
926. Hey, guys. Um, welcome to
"getting real with Karen."Copy !req
927. This week's review:Copy !req
928. The Beaver Dam Menstrual Cup by Lady Works.Copy !req
929. My review, in short? My
cup runneth over. Not good.Copy !req
930. — Synced and corrected by ChrisKe —
— www.addic7ed.com —Copy !req