1. As Jean-Paul Sartre said,
"We are our choices."Copy !req
2. And this woman's choices are nuts.Copy !req
3. - I mean, she is seriously bonker balls.
- Heather, we don't use terms like thatCopy !req
4. in abnormal psychology.Copy !req
5. I'm sorry, "bonker balls"
isn't in the DSM-5 yet? Okay.Copy !req
6. Because that's what she is.Copy !req
7. I mean, you kind of have to,
like, see it to believe it.Copy !req
8. I don't even know where
the hell she came from.Copy !req
9. stop singing for just a second?Copy !req
10. The situation's a lot
more nuanced than that.Copy !req
11. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, how
do I stop? How do I stop?Copy !req
12. - Oh, oh, oh!
- Okay.Copy !req
13. Oh, thank you for stopping me.Copy !req
14. Okay, now, you know that
YouTube tutorial we watched,Copy !req
15. Tonyhawkfan49 said if you want to
stop, you lean back on your tail.Copy !req
16. Yeah. That's only useful
advice if you're riding a dog.Copy !req
17. That's true. Okay, how long
do we have to risk bodily harm?Copy !req
18. I thought you said Josh hit the skate park
with his nephew, every Saturday morning.Copy !req
19. Yeah, you know they might. I
just thought it might be funCopy !req
20. to run into him. But I want to
learn how to skate regardless.Copy !req
21. I want to shred some concrete.Copy !req
22. And now that Valencia saysCopy !req
23. that it's cool for me and
Josh to hang out, you know,Copy !req
24. I thought I would learn, so he and I
could, like, chill and skate and hang.Copy !req
25. All right, well, when
are you guys gonna chill,Copy !req
26. skate and hang out next?
I mean, do you have a plan?Copy !req
27. No, he hasn't contacted
me, per se, but, you know...Copy !req
28. That's what he does.
He pops up, disappears.Copy !req
29. Pops up, diappears. It's hilarious.Copy !req
30. Oh! Maybe this is him right now.Copy !req
31. Oh, no. it's... it's not him.
But it-it's, uh... it's Instagram.Copy !req
32. A vacation in wine country. How lovely.Copy !req
33. Oh, good God. The boobs, the abs, the hair.Copy !req
34. - I know.
- Even her wrists are pretty.Copy !req
35. No. She never even had an awkward phase.Copy !req
36. And believe me, I've checked all of her
Facebook albums. There are 180 of them.Copy !req
37. Oh, okay. Well, you stop looking
at that, 'cause that's not healthy.Copy !req
38. Ugh! This is the fifth
time she's called today.Copy !req
39. - I really should pick this up. No, don't.
- No, no, no. You know what,Copy !req
40. you should not pick this up 'cause
the last thing you need right nowCopy !req
41. is a conversation with a
pathalogical narcissist.Copy !req
42. Okay, you don't know her.
And if I don't answer,Copy !req
43. She's gonna keep calling me. She's
like a stalker I used to live inside of.Copy !req
44. - Okay. Just give me the... phone.
- Oh. Oh! Ninja!Copy !req
45. Hi, Mom! What's up?Copy !req
46. Put me on video chat or whateverCopy !req
47. you call it. I want to see your face.Copy !req
48. - No, I can hear your face.
- Just do it.Copy !req
49. I have exciting news.Copy !req
50. Wait, are you calling me
from Dr. Weinstein's office?Copy !req
51. Yes. I'm just waiting for my pap.Copy !req
52. Hey, little Becca, how are you?Copy !req
53. UTI's under control?Copy !req
54. Anyway, I wanted to tell
you that I was readingCopy !req
55. the Sunday Styles, and I saw that
Audra Levine just got married...Copy !req
56. and to a hedge fund manager.Copy !req
57. Good for Audra Levine.Copy !req
58. Also, she got the
promotion you didn't take.Copy !req
59. Remember? The one you were too good for?Copy !req
60. So now basically she has
the life you could have had,Copy !req
61. Almost had,Copy !req
62. but ruined with all
your ridiculous choices.Copy !req
63. Okay. So nice talking to you, Mom.Copy !req
64. I'm hanging up now.Copy !req
65. But thanks for the salt in the wound.Copy !req
66. At least it's kosher salt!Copy !req
67. He delivered you.Copy !req
68. Okay, screw your mom.Copy !req
69. Screw Audra Levine.Copy !req
70. Okay, you are doing just fine.Copy !req
71. No, I-I'm gonna go. I'm
gonna call you later, okay?Copy !req
72. No, no, no, no. Let's do
something to cheer you up.Copy !req
73. Look, I have to pick
up Brendan from therapy,Copy !req
74. - but it's-it's right near the Dress Barn.
- No.Copy !req
75. - Come on, you love the Dress Barn.
- No. I'm goinna go.Copy !req
76. I'm gonna go.Copy !req
77. Hey, don't skate sad!Copy !req
78. Or maybe at all!Copy !req
79. Subject is approaching
and appears dejected.Copy !req
80. And possibly undergoing cranial remolding.Copy !req
81. Hey, Heath.Copy !req
82. Name's Heather.Copy !req
83. But... so, how are you?Copy !req
84. And feel free to use specific wordsCopy !req
85. Like "despondent" or "hopeless", or,Copy !req
86. on a scale from one to ten,
rate your suicidal thoughts.Copy !req
87. Uh, I'm having the worst day, dude.Copy !req
88. So, anyway, I've decided to eat
my feelings, and it turns out...Copy !req
89. my feelings are pork rinds, whoopie pies,Copy !req
90. mac and cheese. Yeah, I'm going
full-on Cathy cartoon.Copy !req
91. Can you not do that?Copy !req
92. Because we share a wall,Copy !req
93. and I don't want to hear
you barf-crying later.Copy !req
94. What do you suggest I
do? I mean, what do you doCopy !req
95. when you're feeling this bad?
And don't say get a tattooCopy !req
96. or piercing, because I'm afraid of needles.Copy !req
97. And... needles.Copy !req
98. Oh.Copy !req
99. I know what we're doing.Copy !req
100. Not hot. Gross.Copy !req
101. Smoking. Naked.Copy !req
102. Guy with a tiger?Copy !req
103. No. Come on.Copy !req
104. I have standards.Copy !req
105. Cartoon pic. Dead.Copy !req
106. Weird choice. Oh, my
God, is he actually dead?Copy !req
107. - I think so.
- Yeah, I mean, I did Tinder in New York.Copy !req
108. And I got to say, I went on
some, like, skeevy-ass dates.Copy !req
109. Well, you shouldn't use it for dates.Copy !req
110. You should use it for sex.Copy !req
111. You're looking for someone to, like,
pound the bad feelings out of you.Copy !req
112. Oh. Okay.Copy !req
113. Yeah, hot.Copy !req
114. - Okay, so this guy can
- Yeah.Copy !req
115. meet you at a bar in 20 minutes.Copy !req
116. - That's fast!
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
117. - Technology. Yeah.
- Oh, my God. Okay.Copy !req
118. - Tell him yes. Yeah.
- Okay.Copy !req
119. - Mm-hm
- What's his last name? It doesn't matter.Copy !req
120. Okay, can you come with
me, because I'm scared.Copy !req
121. Mm... okay.Copy !req
122. I'm gonna go put on a thong.Copy !req
123. or maybe I won't wear any underwear,Copy !req
124. and that way he'll... he'll
just, smell my pheromones.Copy !req
125. Like a lion. Right?Copy !req
126. - Yeah, I would do a thong.
- Okay.Copy !req
127. There he is.Copy !req
128. Go for it.Copy !req
129. Hi... Jason? I'm Rebecca.Copy !req
130. - Hi.
- Oh, what are those?Copy !req
131. Oh, carpel tunnel.Copy !req
132. Oh. Desk job?Copy !req
133. Nah. Call of Duty: Black Ops 3. You
should check out my YouTube channel.Copy !req
134. So, uh, what's your beer of choice?Copy !req
135. Is this okay? Do you
consent to this activity?Copy !req
136. - Yeah.
- Come on.Copy !req
137. Great.Copy !req
138. Subject demonstrates lack of judgmentCopy !req
139. combined with poor impulse control.Copy !req
140. Do you want to get weird?Copy !req
141. My ball.Copy !req
142. Leave it.Copy !req
143. - It's, uh, Jason, remember?
- Shh. Don't tell me, don't tell me.Copy !req
144. I promise I'll be back. Okay,
see you in a second. Bye.Copy !req
145. Hello?Copy !req
146. So, we doing this or what?Copy !req
147. Yeah! I'll be right back!Copy !req
148. Uh, stay naked!Copy !req
149. What? What am I doing?Copy !req
150. Do you feel disgusted and uneasyCopy !req
151. with your current butter? Ask yourself,Copy !req
152. are you making healthy choices?Copy !req
153. It's never too late to get the lifeCopy !req
154. and the butter you deserve.Copy !req
155. What are you doing?Copy !req
156. Welcome back... thank you
for stickin' with us...Copy !req
157. Oh, I get it. You want to
watch TV while we're doing it.Copy !req
158. That's hot. That actually
helps me last longer.Copy !req
159. Good idea.Copy !req
160. Hey. Hey.Copy !req
161. Listen, um,Copy !req
162. you're a really great guy,Copy !req
163. and I reallyCopy !req
164. admire your commitment to the
health of your wrist tendons.Copy !req
165. I'm talking about the balls.
The balls that you have.Copy !req
166. - Oh.
- But...Copy !req
167. I got to say no.Copy !req
168. Yeah. It's not you, it's not you. You're...Copy !req
169. fine. In-in another context,
you'd be great. But...Copy !req
170. I think that it's time for me to
start making healthier choices.Copy !req
171. And...Copy !req
172. you're not a healthy choice.Copy !req
173. So... get out of my house?Copy !req
174. Get out of my house.Copy !req
175. Mmm.Copy !req
176. The hell is that?Copy !req
177. Oh, this? I have decidedCopy !req
178. to turn over a whole new leaf.Copy !req
179. Is that what that is? Really?
It's, like, leaf juice?Copy !req
180. You put, like, leaves in a
juicer and you... made that?Copy !req
181. No. So, I have come to the decisionCopy !req
182. that I need to be making healthier choices,Copy !req
183. - Mm-hmm.
- so I stayed up all night last nightCopy !req
184. and I did some research.Copy !req
185. And now I'm into, like, all the good stuff.Copy !req
186. We're talking, like,
Kabbalah, bee pollen, colonics.Copy !req
187. - Oh... Mm.
- Mm-hmm. Let's see. I learnedCopy !req
188. a ton about Buddhism. Uh-huh.Copy !req
189. And, oh, I'm a vegan now.Copy !req
190. Oh, uh, uh...Copy !req
191. - Are those the s'mores ones?
- Ugh.Copy !req
192. Mmm.Copy !req
193. Oh, just eat it.Copy !req
194. Life is too short. You're being ridiculous.Copy !req
195. - No...
- No, I know.Copy !req
196. I have turned over enough leaves in my lifeCopy !req
197. for a whole forest.Copy !req
198. Eat the donut.Copy !req
199. - No!
- Eat it.Copy !req
200. No, you eat the donut.Copy !req
201. I made a deal with myself.Copy !req
202. - We made a deal.Copy !req
203. You were gonna ask out Rebecca
and I was gonna ask out Olivia.Copy !req
204. And I held up my end of
the bargain, like a man.Copy !req
205. And how did that work out?Copy !req
206. Well, she didn't really answer.Copy !req
207. She just made this,
like, choking-laugh sound.Copy !req
208. I think she has asthma.Copy !req
209. But at least I had the
guts to ask a girl out.Copy !req
210. What's your deal with Rebecca?Copy !req
211. Either do it or don't do it.Copy !req
212. Man, you're like a broken record.Copy !req
213. Dude, I don't even know what a record is.Copy !req
214. You don't understand.Copy !req
215. You're too young.Copy !req
216. I like Rebecca but I don't... like Rebecca.Copy !req
217. I have very positive feelings
of attraction towards herCopy !req
218. but I also kinda want
to punch her in the arm.Copy !req
219. You just described fifth grade.Copy !req
220. She likes someone else, okay?Copy !req
221. I know that for a fact.Copy !req
222. I mean, I know it...Copy !req
223. I don't-I don't know it.Copy !req
224. - What?
- Never mind.Copy !req
225. Hey.Copy !req
226. Chan-man. Saw those, uh, picsCopy !req
227. on Instagram.Copy !req
228. Looked like outtakes from a porn shoot.Copy !req
229. Thanks.Copy !req
230. So the trip was good?Copy !req
231. Yeah, but I maxed out my credit card.Copy !req
232. If I don't get a job soon, I'll have
to work at my dad's radiology labCopy !req
233. which is like all cancer, all the time.Copy !req
234. I gotta do something else.
I mean, I'll take anything.Copy !req
235. Hey, I can ask Kevin if we're hiring here.Copy !req
236. Oh, God, no.Copy !req
237. Are you kidding me?Copy !req
238. I'm haven't completely given up.Copy !req
239. Nice.Copy !req
240. You may need to take a
trip to your happy place.Copy !req
241. Are you guys talking about drugs?Copy !req
242. Because drugs are bad.Copy !req
243. My cousin tried bath saltsCopy !req
244. and she ate off her own lips.Copy !req
245. No. When he's sad, Josh
likes to go to the AlohaCopy !req
246. Tech Center over on South Cameron.Copy !req
247. Me, too.Copy !req
248. Yeah, I like to check out the latest tech,Copy !req
249. and play a few new video gamesCopy !req
250. and somehow everything is okay.Copy !req
251. My life goes back into high-def.Copy !req
252. Look who's about to come in.Copy !req
253. You gonna do it? You gonna ask her out?Copy !req
254. Wait, you're going to ask out Rebecca?Copy !req
255. Nah, he's not gonna do it.Copy !req
256. You know how he gets.Copy !req
257. Do it, Serrano.Copy !req
258. Hi, Josh.Copy !req
259. How was your Temecula vacay?Copy !req
260. Perfection, all around.Copy !req
261. Wonderful.Copy !req
262. The pictures on InstagramCopy !req
263. accurately represented that fact.Copy !req
264. What are you drinking,Copy !req
265. leprechaun blood?Copy !req
266. No. Um, I'm actuallyCopy !req
267. - a vegan now. Yeah.
- Really?Copy !req
268. Since four days ago when I saw
you house a cheeseburger pizza?Copy !req
269. That was the old me.Copy !req
270. The new me is making healthier choices.Copy !req
271. You sound like that
weird butter commercial.Copy !req
272. - Thank you.
- Hm.Copy !req
273. Mmm, this juice is really starting to work,Copy !req
274. so I'm going to hit the ladies.Copy !req
275. Room. Hit the ladies' room.Copy !req
276. I'm not a football player.Copy !req
277. Do you hear that?Copy !req
278. Healthy choices... that's you.Copy !req
279. That one was a false alarm.Copy !req
280. Hey, can I talk to you over here for a sec?Copy !req
281. - Yeah, can't we just talk over here?
- Nah,Copy !req
282. let's leave the children out of this.Copy !req
283. So, um, healthy choices.Copy !req
284. - Yeah.
- That applies to your dating life, too,Copy !req
285. - don't you think?
- Yeah, like, I think I really needCopy !req
286. to be with, like, an older
guy, maybe like a professor,Copy !req
287. or maybe like...Copy !req
288. Oh.Copy !req
289. Wait.Copy !req
290. Are you... are you really doing this?Copy !req
291. - Yeah. So, I still like you,
- Yeah, okay.Copy !req
292. and I know I shouldn't.Copy !req
293. I don't want to.Copy !req
294. You're not that nice
to me and you're weird.Copy !req
295. And I tell myself to
stop thinking about you,Copy !req
296. but every time you show up,Copy !req
297. it's like boom, feelings.Copy !req
298. And I know alsoCopy !req
299. that you have feelings for Josh...Copy !req
300. - No, I don't have feelings...
- No, no, no, no, no.Copy !req
301. - No, I-I don't, I don't have feelings...
- No, no, shh.Copy !req
302. - Just listen. Just-just listen.
- for Josh?Copy !req
303. Okay.Copy !req
304. Oh, sweet, a gown.Copy !req
305. So twirly.Copy !req
306. So what'll it be?Copy !req
307. Can you hurry up and decide?Copy !req
308. A dip is kinda supposed
to be a quick thing.Copy !req
309. Uh...Copy !req
310. Aloha.Copy !req
311. Would you like some poké?Copy !req
312. Are you kidding? I would love some poké.Copy !req
313. Mm. Anything new today?Copy !req
314. We got Murder Rampage III:Copy !req
315. A Quest for Chaos.Copy !req
316. The DPS is out of control.Copy !req
317. Really? God, I love this place.Copy !req
318. Hey, I wanted to talk to
you about the Caswick case.Copy !req
319. What the hell is this?Copy !req
320. Well, I was reading that sitting
is like the new smoking...Copy !req
321. I know... you should be
walking ten miles a day,Copy !req
322. so I got this treadmill deskCopy !req
323. but then I realized I
couldn't really do work on it.Copy !req
324. Um, and also I hate walking.Copy !req
325. So that-that-that was what,
that was like a $2,000 mistake?Copy !req
326. - Ugh!
- Let me save you from making another one.Copy !req
327. Don't go out with Greg.Copy !req
328. Can you stop telling me what to do. Okay?Copy !req
329. I'm... I haven't decided what
I'm going to do about Greg.Copy !req
330. All I'm saying is, if you go
out with Josh's best friend,Copy !req
331. you activate the bro codeCopy !req
332. and then you muddy up
the long play for Josh.Copy !req
333. What I do with Greg has
nothing to do with...Copy !req
334. - Josh.
- Exactly.Copy !req
335. No, actually, Josh is
actually right out here.Copy !req
336. - Great, send him in.
- Oh.Copy !req
337. It's for business. I told him to come.Copy !req
338. Uh, okay.Copy !req
339. This is the greatest thing
I've ever experienced.Copy !req
340. What do you log on this thing,
like, ten, 20 miles a day?Copy !req
341. Yeah, in that area.Copy !req
342. So what can I help you with?Copy !req
343. Oh, I need you to look at this.Copy !req
344. So, I'm applying to the
place I most want to workCopy !req
345. like, in the whole world but
I'm no good at job applications.Copy !req
346. So confusing.Copy !req
347. There's like a blank space
for an essay or something?Copy !req
348. - Like, what do I write there?
- Ooh. Let's take a look-see at this.Copy !req
349. For the Aloha Tech Center.Copy !req
350. Oh, that's like the Hawaiian
place with the TVs, right?Copy !req
351. Yeah, you know what. Let me make
take care of the essay. I got it.Copy !req
352. Oh, so I never heard,Copy !req
353. what's happening with you and Serrano?Copy !req
354. You gonna go out with him?Copy !req
355. Oh, um, I'm still thinking about it.Copy !req
356. Tell you what, you're helping
me with my job application,Copy !req
357. I'll help you with your love life.Copy !req
358. Are you like a love doctor?Copy !req
359. And this puppy is...Copy !req
360. ready to ship.Copy !req
361. - Thanks.
- So, um,Copy !req
362. you mentioned, uh, helping
me with my love life.Copy !req
363. Oh. Well, that's easy
one. I think you should...Copy !req
364. Hold out for something more magical, right?Copy !req
365. I should just wait for
that special someone?Copy !req
366. No, I-I think you should say yes.Copy !req
367. Oh. Oh, okay.Copy !req
368. You... okay. You do?Copy !req
369. Why not? Greg's the
coolest. I say, go for it.Copy !req
370. So... so you think I
should-I should date Greg?Copy !req
371. I think I just said that.Copy !req
372. You just, you don't think there's like
any reason that I shouldn't?Copy !req
373. Any... reason at all?Copy !req
374. Not that I can think of.Copy !req
375. Nope. Nothing. Well, I should run.Copy !req
376. Um, I gotta get this in to Aloha.Copy !req
377. Thank you so much.Copy !req
378. Oh, thank... Good luck!Copy !req
379. Okay.Copy !req
380. Healthy choices.Copy !req
381. Hmm.Copy !req
382. Hello, Greg? Yes.Copy !req
383. Make an effort,Copy !req
384. make a decision.Copy !req
385. Your future is in your handsCopy !req
386. and on the edge of your knife.Copy !req
387. Everything okay with the...Copy !req
388. application there, sir?Copy !req
389. I don't know. I think you're overqualified.Copy !req
390. What?Copy !req
391. No. Like... wh-what? What do you mean?Copy !req
392. This essay you wrote at the
end of your application, it's...Copy !req
393. quite a piece of writing.Copy !req
394. And that's bad?Copy !req
395. Well, it's just so
intellectual and overthought.Copy !req
396. You reference Kafka in it.Copy !req
397. It's, like, what, did you
go to Harvard or something?Copy !req
398. No, no. I-I-I went... I went to Northridge.Copy !req
399. A-And barely. Like, I never went to class.Copy !req
400. I just mean that at no point
do you even mention electronicsCopy !req
401. or being into electronics, and
this is an electronics store,Copy !req
402. so that would be huge.Copy !req
403. So, I don't know, maybe,Copy !req
404. uh, maybe you should
work in a place that's...Copy !req
405. sells books instead of gear.Copy !req
406. Guess that would be a... library.Copy !req
407. No...Copy !req
408. Hey, look, bro...Copy !req
409. Aloha is just a... really
laid-back store, okay?Copy !req
410. And our employees are just chill.Copy !req
411. So... someone who gets this upsetCopy !req
412. about Harper Lee and...Copy !req
413. you know, whether the book
was a prequel or first draftCopy !req
414. does not sound chill.Copy !req
415. No, no. I-I'm chill. I'm, like,
I'm, like, so chill!Copy !req
416. Uh, you know, the whole Harper Lee thing,Copy !req
417. that was just 'cause I love her
husband... you know, Bruce Lee.Copy !req
418. I just think...Copy !req
419. based on this essay, you're
not gonna be very happy here.Copy !req
420. Ta-da!Copy !req
421. The West Covina Taco Festival.Copy !req
422. The second best thing to do
in this town besides leave.Copy !req
423. I saw fliers for this at City Hall.Copy !req
424. This is so cool. But
what if it rains again?Copy !req
425. With my luck, it probably will,
because when I plan an outdoor date,Copy !req
426. it's the one rainy day in the
middle of a five-year drought.Copy !req
427. So, Gregory...Copy !req
428. we are on a date.Copy !req
429. - Yes, we are.
- Yes. Okay.Copy !req
430. Let's engage in some date... conversation.Copy !req
431. Okay.Copy !req
432. Who is your favorite president?Copy !req
433. Mine is Rutherford B. Hayes,Copy !req
434. for obvious reasons.Copy !req
435. Have you been on a date before?Copy !req
436. I have. I'm just... I'm
just trying to be matureCopy !req
437. and responsible... Pork!Copy !req
438. That took a turn.Copy !req
439. You want one?Copy !req
440. No. No.Copy !req
441. Uh-uh. Don't try to trick
me, because I'm a vegan.Copy !req
442. - This week you are. Okay.
- For forever I am.Copy !req
443. So... I will have...Copy !req
444. mmm, the cauliflower tacos.Copy !req
445. Ooh. You are really sticking to this.Copy !req
446. Yep. I'm trying to fight my base urges.Copy !req
447. Just what a guy wants to hear on a date.Copy !req
448. - Wow.
- Mmm!Copy !req
449. Wait. This is actually really good.Copy !req
450. - Oh, no, no.
- Try some.Copy !req
451. I don't do cauliflower...
they're like albino broccoli.Copy !req
452. - Try me, Greg. Try me.
- Okay. Okay.Copy !req
453. They can't talk.Copy !req
454. You know what? This is
pretty... disgusting.Copy !req
455. - Mm.
- Mm, garbage can.Copy !req
456. So funny.Copy !req
457. Hmm, let's see,Copy !req
458. little known facts about me.Copy !req
459. Uh... oh, okay.Copy !req
460. So, once a week I Google triviaCopy !req
461. about the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory fire.Copy !req
462. Shut up. I love that fire.Copy !req
463. That's, like, my favorite fire.Copy !req
464. No. Stop messing with
me. I know it's weird.Copy !req
465. Why is it weird to be obsessedCopy !req
466. with the flash point that
single-handedly ignited labor reformCopy !req
467. in the U.S.?Copy !req
468. Speaking of flash point, you're
blowing my mind right now.Copy !req
469. Stick around.Copy !req
470. Every year after my dad my left,Copy !req
471. on his birthday I... I'd send him, like,Copy !req
472. like, a handmade cardCopy !req
473. with these terrible, like,
terrible stick-figure drawingsCopy !req
474. and a ton of glitter.Copy !req
475. And every year, I would never hear back.Copy !req
476. Your dad's an idiot.Copy !req
477. I mean... to be fair,
glitter gets everywhere.Copy !req
478. Well, it sounded like he was a
crappy father... he deserved glitter.Copy !req
479. I'd throw glitter at him right now.Copy !req
480. Is there a glitter stand here somewhere?Copy !req
481. Can we get some glitter over here?Copy !req
482. I don't want to talk about it anymore, Dad.Copy !req
483. So you didn't get the
job... thank goodness.Copy !req
484. It's a silly place, with
the shirts and the...Copy !req
485. and the raw fish.Copy !req
486. This place is the right choice for you.Copy !req
487. The most healthy thing.Copy !req
488. Now, put on all these layers
so you don't get cancer.Copy !req
489. Hmm?Copy !req
490. All right.Copy !req
491. Okay, everybody, the final roundCopy !req
492. of the guacamole contest will beginCopy !req
493. - in one minute in the gazebo!
- Oh...!Copy !req
494. Ooh, guacamole!Copy !req
495. Uh, we could go, or we could go...Copy !req
496. someplace else.Copy !req
497. Maybe your place?Copy !req
498. Um, no, uh, my place...Copy !req
499. my place sounds great.Copy !req
500. Great.Copy !req
501. But let's go to the
guacamole contest first.Copy !req
502. Just for, like, five
minutes, 'cause I want to seeCopy !req
503. who has the best guacamole.Copy !req
504. - Please?
- Sure. Yeah.Copy !req
505. You've been voting all day, and
we are down to two finalists.Copy !req
506. Local West Covina favorite,Copy !req
507. La Cocina...!Copy !req
508. And all the way from Echo Park,Copy !req
509. also known as the Brooklyn
of Southern California...Copy !req
510. Echo Parko Tacos...!Copy !req
511. Grab some guac, have a
taste, and place your votes.Copy !req
512. Okay, so I'll hit the hipsters,
you hit the abuela.Copy !req
513. - Deal.
- Great.Copy !req
514. Hey, is this vegan?Copy !req
515. Yeah. Certified organic.Copy !req
516. No GMOs. Avocados are even cruelty-free.Copy !req
517. Okay. Save the avocados.Copy !req
518. So you're a vegan?Copy !req
519. I'm a vegan, too. Of course.Copy !req
520. Cool. Yeah, I just realized it's, like,Copy !req
521. - a lifestyle choice, you know?
- Yeah.Copy !req
522. It's... it's really changed
the way I do everythingCopy !req
523. in the last... two days.Copy !req
524. Although, truth be told, when I walk
around this festival, all I want to doCopy !req
525. is just sink my teeth into
animal flesh, you know?Copy !req
526. I feel you.Copy !req
527. I could really go for
some Burger King right now.Copy !req
528. - Yeah.
- But don't tell anyone, all right?Copy !req
529. - That's gonna be our little secret.
- Okay.Copy !req
530. - Okay, you ready?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm so excited.Copy !req
531. Okay, I've got to say...Copy !req
532. the Echo Park one is better.Copy !req
533. - The hipster one? Are you crazy?
- Yeah.Copy !req
534. Abuela's one is so much better.Copy !req
535. The hipster one tastes like...Copy !req
536. - soy candles and indie bands.
- No.Copy !req
537. Scoff if you want, but the
hipster one is more authentic.Copy !req
538. What? How could guys with man bunsCopy !req
539. - know what is authentic?
- Okay,Copy !req
540. so Abuela's clearly had sour cream in it,Copy !req
541. and anybody will tell you
that's not authentic Mexican guacamole.Copy !req
542. This is hilarious.
You're suddenly an expertCopy !req
543. on authentic cuisine?Copy !req
544. Is this like your authentic veganism?Copy !req
545. - What's that supposed to mean?
- It's very funny. It's cute,Copy !req
546. - the vegan thing.
- It's cute?Copy !req
547. - Thank you.
- It's cute. It's like how...Copy !req
548. you became Buddhist...Copy !req
549. like, yesterday.Copy !req
550. Okay, you're... being really mean.Copy !req
551. - You're making fun of me. I don't like it.
- Hey, what's wrong?Copy !req
552. No, nothing is wrong.
I just liked it betterCopy !req
553. when you were being a nice person.Copy !req
554. I'm just teasing you. You
can be a bit of a hypocrite.Copy !req
555. I mean, it's... you have to admit,Copy !req
556. you're not exactly, in general,
like, steeped in honesty.Copy !req
557. You moved to California to be by the beach?Copy !req
558. Obviously, something happened in New York,Copy !req
559. you had a bit of a nervous breakdown...Copy !req
560. Okay. Okay.Copy !req
561. Okay, as long as we're being super honest,Copy !req
562. let's talk about when you asked me outCopy !req
563. and your whole "Settle for me" vibe.Copy !req
564. Like, it's weird and sad.Copy !req
565. Okay, well, that's not
quite how I remembered it.Copy !req
566. But the truth is, I-I don't
want you to settle for me. I...Copy !req
567. We get each other.Copy !req
568. And we get along.Copy !req
569. Look, I'm sorry I teased
you... I-I will stop.Copy !req
570. Let's just go back to
having a good time, okay?Copy !req
571. Yeah, okay. Okay.Copy !req
572. I...Copy !req
573. totally overreacted, too, so...Copy !req
574. - Okay, then.
- Okay.Copy !req
575. Oh, wow, we just, like, really
worked through something there...Copy !req
576. like adults.Copy !req
577. Like we're normal.Copy !req
578. Some may say healthy.Copy !req
579. Actually, I have to use
the bathroom really quickly,Copy !req
580. so I'm gonna go to one of those...Copy !req
581. sexy Porta Potties.Copy !req
582. Oh, come on!Copy !req
583. Well, kind of.Copy !req
584. - Hey!
- Just a minute.Copy !req
585. You can't monopolize the bathroomCopy !req
586. at a taco festival!Copy !req
587. - Come on!
- All right, already!Copy !req
588. Hey.Copy !req
589. Mmm.Copy !req
590. Okay, you caught me.Copy !req
591. Don't worry. Your secret is safe with me.Copy !req
592. Are you kidding me?Copy !req
593. So, what should I doCopy !req
594. with the two condoms that you made me wear?Copy !req
595. Uh, trash can's in the bathroom.Copy !req
596. Cool.Copy !req
597. Hey, by the way, you finished, right?Copy !req
598. Yeah, I finished a bunch.Copy !req
599. You're welcome.Copy !req
600. So, I'll call you?Copy !req
601. That's... that's okay.Copy !req
602. - Text?
- Uh...Copy !req
603. Find you on Facebook?Copy !req
604. Take a hint, dude.Copy !req
605. Linkedln it is.Copy !req
606. Ah, dude, nobody is on Linkedln.Copy !req
607. - Okay...?
- What the hell is going on?Copy !req
608. Oh... Oh...Copy !req
609. A dude just left your apartment!Copy !req
610. You took some guy homeCopy !req
611. from our date andCopy !req
612. slept with him? What is wrong with you?Copy !req
613. Sorry. I-I-I... I-I don't
know... I don't know.Copy !req
614. - I-I...
- I don't understand.Copy !req
615. No, see, that's-that's it.Copy !req
616. You don't understand. Like, I'm not...Copy !req
617. I'm not an adult.Copy !req
618. Like what we were doing
back at the taco festival.Copy !req
619. Like, being, like, all adulty.Copy !req
620. That's just not me, okay? Like,Copy !req
621. I take advice from butter commercials.Copy !req
622. - This makes no sense.
- I know,Copy !req
623. because I make no sense. I make no sense.Copy !req
624. And you shouldn't waste time on me.Copy !req
625. Can't you see that?Copy !req
626. No, all I can see...Copy !req
627. is what this night could have been.Copy !req
628. What's up, neighbor?Copy !req
629. Come in.Copy !req
630. How's it going? You feeling better?Copy !req
631. You're out of material for your paper?Copy !req
632. - I'm sorry.
- No.Copy !req
633. It's cool. I know you're
writing a paper on me.Copy !req
634. You told me that, remember?Copy !req
635. I feel kind of bad now.Copy !req
636. Do you ever have one of those daysCopy !req
637. where you've done something
so horrible, it feels likeCopy !req
638. you did it in a dream, and you...Copy !req
639. you just want to wake up, and...Copy !req
640. you want it to be all okay,
but there's no waking upCopy !req
641. because you did it for realsies?Copy !req
642. If you want to grab your
laptop and take all this down,Copy !req
643. it's pretty fresh right now.Copy !req
644. You know what? Just... you.Copy !req
645. You get some rest... kiddo.Copy !req
646. I'm older than you.Copy !req
647. What's it say?Copy !req
648. I can't tell you. The
doctor gives you the results.Copy !req
649. Please, you know what it says.Copy !req
650. I-I can't wait any longer.Copy !req
651. All right, just-just tell me what it says.Copy !req
652. Well...Copy !req
653. I guess I can tell you...Copy !req
654. Thanks.Copy !req
655. It's...Copy !req
656. Yello.Copy !req
657. Hi. I just saw Instagram.Copy !req
658. You're at the radiology lab? What happened?Copy !req
659. Well, I got an interview at the Aloha
Tech Center, like you said I would,Copy !req
660. but there was a problem
with my application.Copy !req
661. What? Cal State Northridge isn't bad.Copy !req
662. Yeah, no, it's not that.Copy !req
663. They-they just thoughtCopy !req
664. my additional information
was... a little...Copy !req
665. A little what?Copy !req
666. They just thought it was a bit pretentious.Copy !req
667. Pretentious?Copy !req
668. Yeah. They asked me if I went to Harvard,Copy !req
669. and, like, not in a good way.Copy !req
670. What other way is there?Copy !req
671. That Harper Lee analogyCopy !req
672. was actually very well
thought-out and trenchant.Copy !req
673. And you have the nerve to sit hereCopy !req
674. and not hire this man to
hand out leis and sell VCRs?Copy !req
675. VCRs? Lady, there's no such thing.Copy !req
676. Could you step outside?Copy !req
677. - I'm sorry.
- No, I will not step outside.Copy !req
678. Listen to me. I have to tell
you something very important.Copy !req
679. I have an IQ of 164.Copy !req
680. On the entire SAT, I
got two questions wrong,Copy !req
681. and in subsequent years, those questions
were stricken for being misleading, butCopy !req
682. I know... nothing about life.Copy !req
683. Yeah. No.Copy !req
684. Truly nothing.Copy !req
685. Like...Copy !req
686. I make awful decisions.Copy !req
687. Like, really. No, like,
really awful decisions.Copy !req
688. I mean, I know what you're thinking.Copy !req
689. You're thinking, "Well,
are you Audra Levine?"Copy !req
690. And the answer is, Alex, no.Copy !req
691. I'm not Audra Levine, and ICopy !req
692. never will be Audra Levine, okay?Copy !req
693. But...Copy !req
694. I do know one thing.Copy !req
695. And... is thatCopy !req
696. Josh Chan loves you.Copy !req
697. And, God, that makes you
the luckiest person...Copy !req
698. store... in the world.Copy !req
699. And hiring him would be the
best decision you've ever made.Copy !req
700. - Oh, I can't believe it.
- Neither can I.Copy !req
701. I'm gonna be able to spend
my whole day eating pokéCopy !req
702. and talking about 4K TVs,
and it's all because of you.Copy !req
703. Thank you so much.Copy !req
704. You're, like, so cool.Copy !req
705. Oh, thank you, but really?Copy !req
706. I mean, did you see me back
there? I'm kind of a mess.Copy !req
707. Are you kidding me?Copy !req
708. You're, like, the smartest,
most badass girl I know.Copy !req
709. You crushed it in there!Copy !req
710. But I, like, ruined your application.Copy !req
711. Ah, it's... it was my fault.Copy !req
712. I handed it in without reading it.Copy !req
713. But then, last night, I sat
down and actually read it.Copy !req
714. And the parts I understood were great.Copy !req
715. I'm so glad you moved here, Becks.Copy !req
716. - Okay.
- Oh, my gosh.Copy !req
717. - Here we go.
- Okay.Copy !req
718. Mmm!Copy !req
719. Mmm! Mmm!Copy !req
720. Oh!Copy !req
721. Oh, my God, it's so good.Copy !req
722. - I know.
- It's so wrong.Copy !req
723. - Mm-hmm.
- But it's so right.Copy !req
724. Yeah. Hey, what happened to
your, um, healthy choices?Copy !req
725. Led to the unhealthiest
decision I ever made.Copy !req
726. - Oh, yeah.
- Yeah. Mm.Copy !req
727. - That was dumb.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
728. Mm. Oh, that's my mom.Copy !req
729. - Mm.
- Ignore.Copy !req
730. Now, that wasCopy !req
731. a healthy choice, Cookie.Copy !req
732. - Mm.
- Cheers.Copy !req
733. So, in conclusion,Copy !req
734. my preliminary diagnosis of the subjectCopy !req
735. is that she requires further study.Copy !req
736. Seems to me like she doesn't fit inCopy !req
737. to any of the categories
of your little book.Copy !req
738. Ms. Davis, she sounds likeCopy !req
739. she's suffering from a number
of classifiable disorders.Copy !req
740. Well, I'm sure she is.Copy !req
741. But you know what? I
don't want to label her.Copy !req
742. I just want to be her friend.Copy !req
743. This class blows. I quit.Copy !req
744. I knew I should have taken coding.Copy !req
745. "Do you feel disgusted and uneasyCopy !req
746. with your current butter?"Copy !req
747. "Make an effort, make a
decision, don't make mistakes"?Copy !req
748. Gary, you've been coming up with
some really intense copy lately.Copy !req
749. Don't get me wrong.Copy !req
750. The butter is flying
off the shelves, but...Copy !req
751. is everything okay?Copy !req
752. I left my wife for a prostitute.Copy !req