1. Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...Copy !req
2. Whoever this Josh Chan is,Copy !req
3. you are, you're obsessed with him.Copy !req
4. So you're saying that I
moved here from New YorkCopy !req
5. and I left behind a job
that would've paid meCopy !req
6. $545,000 a year for a guyCopy !req
7. I dated for two months when
I was 16 at a summer camp?Copy !req
8. - I did not do that.
- What's the deal with you and Josh?Copy !req
9. Josh isn't my type.Copy !req
10. But, like, speaking of types,Copy !req
11. - like, what type's his girlfriend?
- I should go.Copy !req
12. Did you see this résumé?Copy !req
13. Harvard? Yale?Copy !req
14. What the hell is she doing here?Copy !req
15. That's a sexist term.Copy !req
16. Can you guys stop
singing for just a second?Copy !req
17. The situation's a lot
more nuanced than that.Copy !req
18. Okay! We get it!Copy !req
19. — Synced and corrected by ChrisKe —
— www.addic7ed.com —Copy !req
20. Ugh...Copy !req
21. It's so hot.Copy !req
22. Is it always this hot?Copy !req
23. Yeah.Copy !req
24. You're getting a sexy SoCal farmer's tan.Copy !req
25. Now, that's a good look.Copy !req
26. - So I've been thinking about it...
- Yes?Copy !req
27. And there could be, like,Copy !req
28. a million reasons why
Josh hasn't texted me back.Copy !req
29. Look, he specifically wrote in his text:Copy !req
30. “Want to grab dinner? Smiley face.”Copy !req
31. Which is the least he
can do, since you leftCopy !req
32. your great job and moved
to this dump to be with him.Copy !req
33. Hey! I didn't move here for him, remember?Copy !req
34. I moved here because I needed a changeCopy !req
35. and Josh just happens to be here.Copy !req
36. Get it straight.Copy !req
37. Oh, are we still doing that? Okay.Copy !req
38. All right, just let me know
when we can stop, becauseCopy !req
39. I actually want to know what's keeping himCopy !req
40. from having dinner with his dear old friendCopy !req
41. - from summer camp.
- I don't know.Copy !req
42. - What are you... Don't do that.
- Let's see what he's been up to.Copy !req
43. - You can't take a person's personal
electronic... - I just didCopy !req
44. Oh, look at this.Copy !req
45. What? Wait, wait, wait.
Has he updated his statusCopy !req
46. in the last 20 minutes?Copy !req
47. Not that I've been checking, I was...Copy !req
48. Checking? Oh, that is amateur hour.Copy !req
49. You gotta change your
push notifications. Look.Copy !req
50. He is going to a club called SpidersCopy !req
51. with his friends tonight.Copy !req
52. And so, we will, too.Copy !req
53. Spiders. I drove by there the other night.Copy !req
54. It was hopping.Copy !req
55. But I always wonder, though,Copy !req
56. is it possessive Spider'sCopy !req
57. or plural Spiders?Copy !req
58. Because every time I see a flyer for it,Copy !req
59. the apostrophe's in a different location.Copy !req
60. What difference does it make?Copy !req
61. It doesn't make a
difference, it's just, like,Copy !req
62. it's two different things.Copy !req
63. Like, either the club is owned by a spiderCopy !req
64. or the club is filled with,
like, a bunch of spiders.Copy !req
65. So... it's a different thing.Copy !req
66. Okay, let's go back to
what you were saying.Copy !req
67. You know what?Copy !req
68. I actually really like your idea.Copy !req
69. Let's go to Spider's tonight.Copy !req
70. Just, like, as a gal date.Copy !req
71. Like, not-not 'cause Josh is there.Copy !req
72. In fact, I hope Josh isn't there,Copy !req
73. so that when I do my sexyCopy !req
74. dance moves, it's just for me.Copy !req
75. It's just for me.Copy !req
76. Oh!Copy !req
77. Hey!Copy !req
78. Hi. Cool hat.Copy !req
79. Hats are the new tattoos.Copy !req
80. Oh, yeah, I read that.Copy !req
81. Let's go find Josh.Copy !req
82. Okay, well, you can find JoshCopy !req
83. and I'll be in there just checking outCopy !req
84. the local indigenous culture. Uh-huh.Copy !req
85. Well, while you're in there chattingCopy !req
86. about the majestic
history of the 10 freeway,Copy !req
87. I'm gonna be asking Josh ChanCopy !req
88. why he's been dodging you.Copy !req
89. See, now, there it's possessive.Copy !req
90. Yo...Copy !req
91. You see my hat?Copy !req
92. It's like a tattoo,Copy !req
93. but on my head.Copy !req
94. Let us in.Copy !req
95. You on the list, Mrs. Butterworth?Copy !req
96. I don't care for that tone...Copy !req
97. - Or that reference.
- Okay. Um, I... I...Copy !req
98. I got this. Sorry.Copy !req
99. Sorry, she doesn't know about club culture.Copy !req
100. Um... I should've done this earlier,Copy !req
101. it's more suave, but... let us in?Copy !req
102. Thank you.Copy !req
103. Yo, this is $500.Copy !req
104. Um... yeah.Copy !req
105. Yeah, it is.Copy !req
106. Look, if this had been a 20, you'd be good.Copy !req
107. But either you're a cop
or you're a drug dealer.Copy !req
108. Either way, y'all ain't getting in.Copy !req
109. Okay.Copy !req
110. Okay...Copy !req
111. Okay. Yeah.Copy !req
112. No, not tonight. No.Copy !req
113. Oh, see... Hey, hey.Copy !req
114. Come on. Come on. Come on, come on.Copy !req
115. You gonna get runs in your stockingsCopy !req
116. and all that stuff,
man, you don't want that.Copy !req
117. Gotta keep moving. Come on.Copy !req
118. Okay. All right.Copy !req
119. I'm sorry, not tonight.Copy !req
120. Just... easy, easy, killer.Copy !req
121. All right. You know.Copy !req
122. All right. Well, if we're
not getting in the club,Copy !req
123. do you want to...Copy !req
124. do you want to hang out, do something else?Copy !req
125. Ooh!Copy !req
126. There's a new Olive Garden in Arcadia.Copy !req
127. They're still figuring out their portions.Copy !req
128. Nah, I don't...Copy !req
129. I kind of want to just call it a night.Copy !req
130. No... oh, come on, man.Copy !req
131. I got a pass.Copy !req
132. I told Scott I was gonna beCopy !req
133. out all night having my period.Copy !req
134. He asked me no questions.Copy !req
135. I just, you know...Copy !req
136. coming from New York,Copy !req
137. a quiet night is a luxury.Copy !req
138. - Can we take a rain check?
- All right.Copy !req
139. I like alone time.Copy !req
140. No...Copy !req
141. I love alone time.Copy !req
142. And it was then the Fuhrer decided uponCopy !req
143. the Final Solution.Copy !req
144. What are you doing?Copy !req
145. Uh, Danny, could I get a price
check on, uh, pork rinds?Copy !req
146. Price check on pork rinds.Copy !req
147. Josh-osh-osh-osh.Copy !req
148. Can I help you, ma'am?Copy !req
149. No, I'm fine.Copy !req
150. I'm just watching my ex-boyfriendCopy !req
151. make out with the hottest
girl I've ever seen.Copy !req
152. Ah, she's okay.Copy !req
153. No...Copy !req
154. You know what?Copy !req
155. She's smoking.Copy !req
156. Oh, yeah, I see it now.Copy !req
157. She's got one of them secret booties.Copy !req
158. Oh, does he know you still dig him?Copy !req
159. He's just a friend!Copy !req
160. Sorry. It's a long story.Copy !req
161. Oh! Whoa, whoa!Copy !req
162. Whoa. Sor...Copy !req
163. Hey.Copy !req
164. Wow.Copy !req
165. Um... so I-I texted you after the party,Copy !req
166. but I didn't hear back.Copy !req
167. Yeah, I'm sorry.Copy !req
168. I've been really busy with
work. Seriously, though,Copy !req
169. now that I have you here,Copy !req
170. could we maybe have a postmortemCopy !req
171. on the whole makeout-crying session?Copy !req
172. I really don't think it's the timeCopy !req
173. or the place. I...Copy !req
174. Wow.Copy !req
175. Dude, they got Twizzlers.Copy !req
176. - Throwback!
- That's great.Copy !req
177. Um, Rebecca,Copy !req
178. let me introduce you to
these two fine gentlemen.Copy !req
179. This is Hector, 203rd
best surfer in the state.Copy !req
180. - 202nd.
- Great.Copy !req
181. And this is White Josh,Copy !req
182. so named because he looks just like Josh,Copy !req
183. except for he's white.Copy !req
184. Also, my... my name is also Josh.Copy !req
185. Mmm.Copy !req
186. Well, we've all met.Copy !req
187. Um, hopefully the next time, I'll be...Copy !req
188. Better looking?Copy !req
189. - Thanks.
- He doesn't mean that.Copy !req
190. Uh... it's fine.Copy !req
191. Um, I will text you at some point,Copy !req
192. I just... I-I really... I have to...Copy !req
193. - Okay.
- Yeah. I have to go.Copy !req
194. Bras are in aisle one.Copy !req
195. That's really nice.Copy !req
196. It's, like, only $5.26.Copy !req
197. That's not that bad.Copy !req
198. Um, I think the ice cream is down here.Copy !req
199. What are you talking about, Joshy?Copy !req
200. It's right in front of you.Copy !req
201. Are you okay?Copy !req
202. Wait, why is Greg talking to a homeless?Copy !req
203. Oh, hi, Rebecca.Copy !req
204. Hey.Copy !req
205. You know each other?Copy !req
206. Yeah, uh, this is my friend Rebecca.Copy !req
207. We, um,Copy !req
208. met at summer camp,
like, a million, billion,Copy !req
209. trillion, like, a zillion years ago.Copy !req
210. Summer camp?Copy !req
211. You guys met in summer camp?Copy !req
212. Yeah, we were like...
like, eight years old.Copy !req
213. Right, Rebecca?Copy !req
214. No, we were...Copy !req
215. We were eight and a half.Copy !req
216. That was very important to meCopy !req
217. when I was eight. I'm eight and a half!Copy !req
218. You know. Kids.Copy !req
219. Uh, this is Valencia.Copy !req
220. My girlfriend.Copy !req
221. Hi.Copy !req
222. Nice to meet you. Oh. Hi.Copy !req
223. My lady.Copy !req
224. I'm confused.Copy !req
225. You don't know each other from New York?Copy !req
226. - No.
- Nope.Copy !req
227. Wait.Copy !req
228. How do you guys know each other?Copy !req
229. Oh, we, um,Copy !req
230. met at Home Base, um,Copy !req
231. and then we just became, like, cazh buds,Copy !req
232. and, yeah, that's-that's
just, that's what happened.Copy !req
233. Valencia, that's such a beautiful name.Copy !req
234. What's the origin of that?Copy !req
235. Well, it used to be Maria,Copy !req
236. but I never felt like a MariaCopy !req
237. so I changed it to my mother's
maiden name: “Valencia"Copy !req
238. It's the Spanish word for “brave"Copy !req
239. That's really cool.Copy !req
240. Actually, I thought
about doing the same thingCopy !req
241. with my mother's maiden name.Copy !req
242. Um, it's “Garfinkel,”Copy !req
243. which is the Yiddish word
for “diamond dealer.”Copy !req
244. Um...Copy !req
245. God, I love that dress.Copy !req
246. Can I just say, like,Copy !req
247. I cannot wear dresses like that,Copy !req
248. and you pull it off so, so well.Copy !req
249. I mean, you are... you're just so pretty.Copy !req
250. I mean, you have a great body.Copy !req
251. Well, I teach yoga. Keeps me fit.Copy !req
252. Oh, my God, I love yoga!Copy !req
253. That's so funny that
we're meeting right now,Copy !req
254. 'cause I love yoga.Copy !req
255. You do?Copy !req
256. Yeah, I-I love it.Copy !req
257. Well, maybe you should comeCopy !req
258. to one of my classes.Copy !req
259. I would love that!Copy !req
260. - I would love to have you!
- I would love to be had!Copy !req
261. Why are their voices so high?Copy !req
262. Cool.Copy !req
263. Well, God, this has
just been the best night.Copy !req
264. It was so great meeting you.Copy !req
265. I'm just going to gracefully exeunt,Copy !req
266. pursued by a bear.Copy !req
267. Uh, hey, I'll be right back.Copy !req
268. Can you get me two more pints?Copy !req
269. Oh, my God, she's so pretty,
oh, my God, she's so pretty,Copy !req
270. oh, my God, she's so pretty,
oh, my God, she's so pretty.Copy !req
271. Hi.Copy !req
272. Hey.Copy !req
273. What was up with that
“eight years old” thing?Copy !req
274. We were 16 when we were at camp.Copy !req
275. No biggie. Just, uh...Copy !req
276. the thing with us at
camp, no one knows that,Copy !req
277. especially Valencia,Copy !req
278. so let's just keep it on the DL.Copy !req
279. - Is this because I look like a homeless?
- No, just,Copy !req
280. Valencia, she sometimes
sweats these things.Copy !req
281. You get it.Copy !req
282. Wait...Copy !req
283. Is that the reason you haven't
gotten back to me about dinner?Copy !req
284. Come on, dude.Copy !req
285. I'm no threat!Copy !req
286. Look at her!Copy !req
287. Look at me!Copy !req
288. Her! Me!Copy !req
289. Yoga! Homeless!Copy !req
290. And I... I have no problem with her.Copy !req
291. I think she's terrific.Copy !req
292. I mean, did you see how we...Copy !req
293. we instantly bonded? Actually, I...Copy !req
294. I would like to be friends with her.Copy !req
295. What? No.Copy !req
296. That's not a good idea.Copy !req
297. I don't think you guys should be friends
or anything like that.Copy !req
298. Okay, okay. No, you're right, you're right.Copy !req
299. I am.Copy !req
300. Just chill, okay?Copy !req
301. Okay.Copy !req
302. Anyway,Copy !req
303. - I got to roll. Catch you later.
- Oh, okay.Copy !req
304. I'll catch you...Copy !req
305. Hey, Val? I got your chin.Copy !req
306. I got your chin.Copy !req
307. What are you doing?Copy !req
308. Josh's girlfriend is so nice.Copy !req
309. Like, so nice.Copy !req
310. Like, stop being this nice.Copy !req
311. You are so pretty.Copy !req
312. So, I got provisions for usCopy !req
313. for while we work on this arbitration,Copy !req
314. because it is going to be...Copy !req
315. a long day.Copy !req
316. First...Copy !req
317. Mama got you the strawberry donutsCopy !req
318. that you like from the
place around the corner.Copy !req
319. And...Copy !req
320. look at what I found at the car wash.Copy !req
321. Sh-bam!Copy !req
322. It's a Statue of Liberty key chain.Copy !req
323. 'Cause you're from New York.Copy !req
324. Do you get it?Copy !req
325. Do you, do you like it?Copy !req
326. Yeah, no...Copy !req
327. I'm sorry, I love it, yeah!Copy !req
328. Oh, that's so sweet.Copy !req
329. I don't have anything for you.Copy !req
330. Put it on your keys!Copy !req
331. Okay, yeah.Copy !req
332. No, I mean, like, right now!Copy !req
333. 'Cause I want to, I
want to watch it happen!Copy !req
334. Oh, okay.Copy !req
335. Ah, I'm sorry.Copy !req
336. I'm sorry, I always wanted a daughter.Copy !req
337. I didn't, my-my kids are not daughters.Copy !req
338. They're terrible.Copy !req
339. I'll-I'll tell you about it later.Copy !req
340. Or now.Copy !req
341. So, Valencia's interestsCopy !req
342. include tempeh patties,Copy !req
343. and Vampire Weekend.Copy !req
344. I just feel like we have so much in common.Copy !req
345. What's Vampire Weekend?Copy !req
346. Um, it's a weekend away with vampires.Copy !req
347. I'm pretty sure it's not that.Copy !req
348. No, I-I read about it in The New Yorker.Copy !req
349. It's very popular.Copy !req
350. Let me see her picture.
Let me see her face.Copy !req
351. Here, take a look, see?Copy !req
352. Whoa-ho-ho!Copy !req
353. She is smoking!Copy !req
354. So pretty, right?Copy !req
355. And Josh says I can't be friends with her,Copy !req
356. but I really like her.Copy !req
357. Come on.Copy !req
358. You loathe her.Copy !req
359. Um, no, I don't.Copy !req
360. Oh, okay!Copy !req
361. Let me tell you how this works.Copy !req
362. Women of equal sexual
viability hate each other.Copy !req
363. Even if they pretend to like each other.Copy !req
364. And that is how it has workedCopy !req
365. since the day vagina's were invented.Copy !req
366. See, okay, look.Copy !req
367. You're like these two, all right?Copy !req
368. You're Taylor Swift and she's Katy Perry.Copy !req
369. Oh, wait a minute...
Maybe you're Katy Perry.Copy !req
370. No! No, you're Taylor Swift.Copy !req
371. You're uptight and weird, right?Copy !req
372. Okay, this is why I don't
read this drivel, right?Copy !req
373. Because it perpetuates
the very misogynist mythCopy !req
374. that women can't get along, right?Copy !req
375. Look at this cover!Copy !req
376. “Femme feud, girl fight.Copy !req
377. Who wore it better?”Copy !req
378. It's like, “Who wore it equally?”Copy !req
379. God, you're boring.Copy !req
380. Look, I get what you're doingCopy !req
381. with this girl and I totally approve!Copy !req
382. You befriend the enemy and you
get more face time with Josh.Copy !req
383. If you really neutralize her,Copy !req
384. maybe she'll give you some
solo time with him, so...Copy !req
385. No, no, mm-mm, no.Copy !req
386. That's not what I'm doing.Copy !req
387. That's not what I'm doing at all.Copy !req
388. I know, that is not what you're doingCopy !req
389. at all... wink.Copy !req
390. No, I... I
really want to be her friend.Copy !req
391. Like, genuinely want to be her friend.Copy !req
392. - Wink.
- Stop winking!Copy !req
393. Ooh. Oh, she's teaching a
yoga class today at 3:00.Copy !req
394. Oh, that's, like, now!Copy !req
395. Change of plans.Copy !req
396. Eat the donut for me.Copy !req
397. I'm gonna go. While I'm gone,Copy !req
398. pull up the Mendez file,
and see what previous motionsCopy !req
399. the plaintiff has put
before the judge, okay?Copy !req
400. Yeah... I love this!Copy !req
401. Gonna use it on my car right now.Copy !req
402. Okay...Copy !req
403. Go get her!Copy !req
404. I'll be right here.Copy !req
405. And just breathe.Copy !req
406. Good.Copy !req
407. Everyone, thank you for joining me todayCopy !req
408. in a journey of
self-discovery and reflection.Copy !req
409. Oh, you came.Copy !req
410. How nice.Copy !req
411. Everyone, we have some new faces today.Copy !req
412. Welcome. Namaste.Copy !req
413. Namaste.Copy !req
414. Can I get an “ohm”?Copy !req
415. Okay.Copy !req
416. So, let's start in a gentle stretch.Copy !req
417. Breathe in.Copy !req
418. And out.Copy !req
419. Good, now let's move into
our first Vinyasa flow.Copy !req
420. And breathe in.Copy !req
421. And exhale on an ah...Copy !req
422. Ah!Copy !req
423. Ah...Copy !req
424. If you want to just stay in child's pose,Copy !req
425. it's totally fine.Copy !req
426. Nope, I'm an adult!Copy !req
427. Wow!Copy !req
428. Um, that was, like, amazing.Copy !req
429. Yeah, you are really sweating.Copy !req
430. I think you really cleared out some toxins.Copy !req
431. I can see those heavy metals
just pouring out of you.Copy !req
432. Heavy metals, yeah.Copy !req
433. Well, I do eat a lot of auto parts.Copy !req
434. Huh?Copy !req
435. Nothing, it's stupid.Copy !req
436. I'm stupid.Copy !req
437. Hey, do you want to go
grab, like, a coffee with meCopy !req
438. or something?Copy !req
439. I only drink water.Copy !req
440. And I got to go do some cardio.Copy !req
441. It's hard to break a sweat
doing beginner's yoga.Copy !req
442. Of... yeah, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
443. So, maybe another time.Copy !req
444. Well, no worries.Copy !req
445. 'Cause I'm just gonna keep coming back.Copy !req
446. Um, I bought a 20-pack on my way in,Copy !req
447. so I'm kind of your sugar mamaCopy !req
448. if you know what I'm saying.Copy !req
449. Yeah, I wish.Copy !req
450. I only get to keep 50% of each class.Copy !req
451. But until I own my own
studio, I can't complain.Copy !req
452. Well, your own studio. I mean, that's,Copy !req
453. that's a great idea. Have
you looked into stuff yet?Copy !req
454. Because I-I'm actually, I'm a lawyerCopy !req
455. and real estate is my specialty.Copy !req
456. And I could help you find a cheap place,Copy !req
457. get a good deal on a lease.Copy !req
458. Why would you want to do that?Copy !req
459. Well, that's why I moved here...
To support a local community.Copy !req
460. And building small businesses
is an essential part of that.Copy !req
461. Wow, did you, like, go
to Harvard or something?Copy !req
462. Um, yeah, but I don't
like to talk about it,Copy !req
463. 'cause people get weird.Copy !req
464. Your shirt says Harvard.Copy !req
465. That way I don't have to talk about it.Copy !req
466. Hmm, wow. That's... impressive.Copy !req
467. Hey! Oh, mmm!Copy !req
468. This just popped into my nogs.Copy !req
469. Why don't we get lunch sometime this week,Copy !req
470. and I'll just, I'll go over
all the deets about leasesCopy !req
471. and how it works.Copy !req
472. And I can buy you a really nice water.Copy !req
473. Okay.Copy !req
474. I like boxed water.Copy !req
475. Great.Copy !req
476. So...Copy !req
477. have a nice lunch with Valerio.Copy !req
478. Who knows, maybe next time,Copy !req
479. you'll actually have lunch with Josh.Copy !req
480. Uh, okay, again, this
is not because of Josh.Copy !req
481. Who's that?Copy !req
482. Josh!Copy !req
483. Hey!Copy !req
484. Hi!Copy !req
485. Sorry.Copy !req
486. Hi, um, so you wanted to see me?Copy !req
487. Oh, before we go talk,
do you want some boba?Copy !req
488. It actually horrifies me personally.Copy !req
489. It's like drinking little tumors.Copy !req
490. But if you want some,
like, knock yourself out.Copy !req
491. No, I'm good, I'm good.Copy !req
492. So, listen, uh, I've
been scratching my headCopy !req
493. a little bit here, 'cause I heardCopy !req
494. you were having lunch with Valencia?Copy !req
495. And I thought you were
gonna keep a little distance?Copy !req
496. Yeah, um, the friendship thing.Copy !req
497. I know that we talked about that.Copy !req
498. But it just kind of,
it happened organically.Copy !req
499. You know?Copy !req
500. I won't say a word about camp.Copy !req
501. Oh, my God, like,Copy !req
502. I don't even factor that whole
thing into our friendship.Copy !req
503. I honestly, I barely remember it.Copy !req
504. I mean, I've had many
sexual partners since.Copy !req
505. Clean as a whistle, though.Copy !req
506. I don't know.Copy !req
507. Uh, uh, she can get mad.Copy !req
508. She can, you know,Copy !req
509. get really mad.Copy !req
510. But what's there to be mad about?Copy !req
511. Because if we're just
gonna be buds, that's all.Copy !req
512. And the great thing is, if we're friends,Copy !req
513. then we can all hang out
and it won't be awkward.Copy !req
514. Right? We could have lunchesCopy !req
515. and dinners and go to Spiders.Copy !req
516. Find out if it's possessive or plural.Copy !req
517. Right?Copy !req
518. Thank you for letting me
order off the children's menu.Copy !req
519. You're so nice.Copy !req
520. This looks so good.Copy !req
521. So I really think we're gonnaCopy !req
522. get the property on East Cameron.Copy !req
523. You think so?Copy !req
524. It would be so perfect.Copy !req
525. The square footage is exactly what I need.Copy !req
526. But it was so expensive.Copy !req
527. And you low-balled the guy.Copy !req
528. No, no. By the end of lunch,Copy !req
529. that guy's gonna call and cave.Copy !req
530. So, um,Copy !req
531. go back to what you were
saying about your diet,Copy !req
532. - 'cause it was, it was fascinating.
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
533. So, I sent my wellness
coach a drop of my blood,Copy !req
534. and she told me which foods
go best with my blood type.Copy !req
535. So it's lots and lots of greensCopy !req
536. and lean proteins and no legumes.Copy !req
537. No legumes, no starches.Copy !req
538. God, she's so skinny.Copy !req
539. No wonder Josh loves her.Copy !req
540. You know, I-I sent a drop of bloodCopy !req
541. to a wellness coach one time,Copy !req
542. and they said that my blood type
works best with Panda Express.Copy !req
543. - Really?
- No. No, it doesn't.Copy !req
544. Oh, you were making a joke.Copy !req
545. - Yeah, yeah.
- Oh.Copy !req
546. Yeah, I think you did that once before.Copy !req
547. Sorry, I don't like humor.Copy !req
548. Okay.Copy !req
549. Um, I've been meaning to ask you.Copy !req
550. What kind of face moisturizer do you use?Copy !req
551. 'Cause my face has been
dry for, like, 20 years.Copy !req
552. Unrefined coconut oil.Copy !req
553. - Really?
- Yeah, mm-hmm.Copy !req
554. So, anyway, something else
my wellness coach said was...Copy !req
555. Actually don't do the oil
pulling for 20 minutes...Copy !req
556. Coconut oil.Copy !req
557. Long necklace nestled in cleavage.Copy !req
558. Silky romper... how do
you pee in that thing?Copy !req
559. Hold on.Copy !req
560. Hold that very important thought.Copy !req
561. We got your yoga studio.Copy !req
562. We did? Yeah.Copy !req
563. Oh, my God, you're amazing.Copy !req
564. Oh. Oh, my God.Copy !req
565. Hey, you're amazing.Copy !req
566. - You smell like roasted corn.
- Huh?Copy !req
567. I said you smell like roasted corn.Copy !req
568. Oh, thanks.Copy !req
569. God, I can't believe you did it.Copy !req
570. Well, I went to Harvard.Copy !req
571. I don't mess around.Copy !req
572. Do all people who go to Harvard
say it as much as you do?Copy !req
573. Yeah.Copy !req
574. You've checked your phone, like, 80 times.Copy !req
575. Why are you so worriedCopy !req
576. about Valencia having lunch with Rebecca?Copy !req
577. Don't know, it just... feels weird.Copy !req
578. Why? Did you and Rebecca
hook up or something?Copy !req
579. Um, no, bro, I was eight years old.Copy !req
580. Even I am not that big of a stud.Copy !req
581. Hmm. Wait, why?Copy !req
582. Are you into Rebecca?Copy !req
583. Well...Copy !req
584. Is that why you're asking me?Copy !req
585. Uh, I'm not... not interested.Copy !req
586. Whoa.Copy !req
587. Wow, Serrano, coming from you,Copy !req
588. that is like... a declaration of love.Copy !req
589. Dude, if you want her, go for it.Copy !req
590. Maybe I will.Copy !req
591. Maybe I will throw my saddleCopy !req
592. - on that filly.
- Yeah.Copy !req
593. Take her for a ride around the paddock.Copy !req
594. Yeah.Copy !req
595. Oh, yeah, you're gonna ride that filly.Copy !req
596. Men are disgusting.Copy !req
597. Yeah.Copy !req
598. Hey, don't worry about
Valencia and Rebecca.Copy !req
599. They are not gonna become friends.Copy !req
600. You know how Valencia is with other women.Copy !req
601. Come on, she's not a bonder.Copy !req
602. She can't bond.Copy !req
603. I love you.Copy !req
604. No, I love you.Copy !req
605. Hey, what's-what's wrong?Copy !req
606. Uh, it's just, you
wouldn't get this about meCopy !req
607. because of my wide student fan base,Copy !req
608. but I actually don't
have a lot of girlfriends.Copy !req
609. Huh.Copy !req
610. The last time I had a solid
crew was in high school,Copy !req
611. but then they all got jealousCopy !req
612. because I got these amazing boobsCopy !req
613. and they were still trolls,Copy !req
614. and so they spread all
these rumors that I, like,Copy !req
615. slept with the English teacher.Copy !req
616. No. I know.Copy !req
617. Which is a total lie,Copy !req
618. because we only did hand stuff.Copy !req
619. And then everyone turned on me,Copy !req
620. and since then, I just...Copy !req
621. I don't get along that
well with other girls.Copy !req
622. Oh, my God, I'm the exact same way.Copy !req
623. Yeah? I mean, except for
the English teacher part.Copy !req
624. - That's-that's really cool.
- Thanks.Copy !req
625. Although, um, it-it's really cool,Copy !req
626. but, like, you know, you
should have reported that.Copy !req
627. Did you report it to the
appropriate authorities?Copy !req
628. Nah, it's just hand
stuff... It's not a big deal.Copy !req
629. Well, I mean, depending
on what age you were,Copy !req
630. it's technically a little
bit of statutory rape.Copy !req
631. Eh... But, you know.Copy !req
632. I'll allow it.Copy !req
633. But seriously, a judge
would not have allowed it.Copy !req
634. He should be in jail.Copy !req
635. Do you know if he went to jail?Copy !req
636. Did he do it to other kids?Copy !req
637. Oh, my God, you're amazing, you're so nice.Copy !req
638. I thought you just only wanted
to do real estate stuff with me,Copy !req
639. but we're friends.Copy !req
640. We're friends, right?Copy !req
641. Yeah. Yeah, we're... we're fr...Copy !req
642. Yeah, we're friends...Copy !req
643. Yeah, we're friends.Copy !req
644. Yeah, 'cause, I mean, like,Copy !req
645. what other agenda could I possibly have?Copy !req
646. That is such a weird thing to say.Copy !req
647. I know!Copy !req
648. Aah! Yeah.Copy !req
649. Mmm, your tushy's warm.Copy !req
650. Thanks.Copy !req
651. Yeah.Copy !req
652. Valencia and I are
basically the same person.Copy !req
653. Oh, she's like me, except for...Copy !req
654. I don't know what she is... Guatemalan?Copy !req
655. I don't know, don't quote me on that.Copy !req
656. Anyway, between us, it's
like we're Siamese souls.Copy !req
657. Excuse me, just one second.Copy !req
658. Now, uh, in case you missed
it, that was me vomiting.Copy !req
659. No, I got it.Copy !req
660. What's wrong with you?Copy !req
661. 'Cause, like, I've made
a really cool friend.Copy !req
662. She's, like, pretty and nice,Copy !req
663. and she knows about,
like, a lot of cool things,Copy !req
664. like coconut oil and
movies and Vampire Weekends.Copy !req
665. Like, what's your deal?Copy !req
666. We had a plan... uh, neutralize
the enemy, not snuggle it.Copy !req
667. No, we didn't have a plan.Copy !req
668. You had a plan, I'm making a friend.Copy !req
669. - What?
- Wow.Copy !req
670. Are you jealous?Copy !req
671. I am not jealous.Copy !req
672. I'm not saying this for
me, I'm saying this for you,Copy !req
673. you munchkin dumb-ass.Copy !req
674. This is unhealthy.Copy !req
675. Okay, all right.Copy !req
676. You need to take some Motrin or something.Copy !req
677. Oh, you know, I have
never met anyone in my lifeCopy !req
678. who lies to themselves as much as you do.Copy !req
679. You lie about why you came here,Copy !req
680. You lie about how you feel about Josh.Copy !req
681. You lie about why you want to
become friends with Valencia.Copy !req
682. Okay, okay, that's enough! God!Copy !req
683. Let's just do this stupid meetingCopy !req
684. with these stupid clients.Copy !req
685. Hello, gentlemen.Copy !req
686. So we heard most of that.Copy !req
687. I'm realizing that now as
I see the horrified looksCopy !req
688. on your faces.Copy !req
689. I'm so sorry.Copy !req
690. Paula and I were just having a
little disagreement out there.Copy !req
691. It has nothing to do with you.Copy !req
692. It will not happen again.Copy !req
693. Let's get down to business,Copy !req
694. shall we?Copy !req
695. You know that was very
inappropriate what we overheard.Copy !req
696. I understand. One sec...Copy !req
697. Going to Spiders.Copy !req
698. Which seems to be possessive plural.Copy !req
699. - Oh.
- Oh, I'm sorry.Copy !req
700. Did I mention that I got RobertsonCopy !req
701. to agree to an arbitration next week?Copy !req
702. I didn't mention that.Copy !req
703. Should have led with that. Sorry.Copy !req
704. How did you do that?Copy !req
705. Uh, we've been trying to do that for years.Copy !req
706. Actually, I threatened
a lawsuit on the groundsCopy !req
707. that they were impeding
commercial development,Copy !req
708. and that they would be liable
for interest or extra costs.Copy !req
709. So, news flash... next week,
you are going to a hearingCopy !req
710. that will allow you to... Most likely...Copy !req
711. Build the $10 million complex
downtown you have always wantedCopy !req
712. in your little heart of hearts,Copy !req
713. and I am going to a super cool nightclub.Copy !req
714. Oh, I got to go get ready.Copy !req
715. I should buy jewelry, I don't have jewelry.Copy !req
716. Uh, love your dress.Copy !req
717. Oh, um, you too, bitches.Copy !req
718. Do you want to take a selfie?Copy !req
719. Yeah.Copy !req
720. Okay, all right, one, two, three.Copy !req
721. What?Copy !req
722. Uh, Mom, I stabbed Tommy.Copy !req
723. Uh, kind of.Copy !req
724. Brendan, I told you I had to work late.Copy !req
725. But, uh, he's sort of bleeding.Copy !req
726. Okay, you know what, figure it out.Copy !req
727. Yeah.Copy !req
728. It's hugging my throat.Copy !req
729. Don't you just love her, Joshy?Copy !req
730. Don't you just want to put herCopy !req
731. in a bowl with chocolate sauce and eat her?Copy !req
732. Uh, uh, I thought we
were off sugar, Valencia.Copy !req
733. Oh, you're funny.Copy !req
734. I'm starting to like humor.Copy !req
735. Come on, dance with me, Joshy.Copy !req
736. I want to see you work that thang.Copy !req
737. What's up with your
resting Maggie Smith face?Copy !req
738. What?Copy !req
739. What is this?Copy !req
740. This? This is called a metallic mini.Copy !req
741. No, the thing where you
copy another girl's outfit.Copy !req
742. What are you up to, you duplicitous minx?Copy !req
743. I'm not copying her.Copy !req
744. I'm just heavily influenced by her,Copy !req
745. like... like how Picasso was
influenced by early portraitureCopy !req
746. before he created the Cubist movement.Copy !req
747. You went to Harvard... We get it.Copy !req
748. Anyway, can I get you a drink?Copy !req
749. Um...Copy !req
750. How many bras are you wearing, by the way?Copy !req
751. Come on, you
crazy kids, let's dance.Copy !req
752. Okay. Come on.Copy !req
753. Okay.Copy !req
754. Whoa, you clean up good.Copy !req
755. Oh, thanks.Copy !req
756. I'm just gonna go dance
with my friend, though, so...Copy !req
757. Hey, whatever happened
with you and your ex?Copy !req
758. Uh, I saw him over there.Copy !req
759. It's the buff Asian dude, right?Copy !req
760. Ex?Copy !req
761. No, he's not my ex.Copy !req
762. I... I was just talk...
I was just talking...Copy !req
763. Oh, you're still bummed
he's with that other girl.Copy !req
764. Don't worry.Copy !req
765. You'll get him, kid.Copy !req
766. Hey, I'll see you at the market.Copy !req
767. Oh, next week we're having
a sale on Clementines.Copy !req
768. It's gonna be tight!Copy !req
769. Wait a second.Copy !req
770. You and Josh dated?Copy !req
771. Okay, so nobody knows.Copy !req
772. Well, that guy knows.Copy !req
773. I am so stupid.Copy !req
774. It all makes sense now...
Everything, all of it.Copy !req
775. - When did you date? In New York?
- It's complicated.Copy !req
776. No, something with you is complicated?Copy !req
777. - Rebecca!
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
778. Just please... just
please don't say anything.Copy !req
779. Please, please, please,
please don't say anything.Copy !req
780. Please, please, please, please.Copy !req
781. Why so serious?Copy !req
782. Come on, dance with Greg.Copy !req
783. Dance with Greg.Copy !req
784. Get away from me.Copy !req
785. She-she wants me to dance with you.Copy !req
786. You do everything she says?Copy !req
787. No.Copy !req
788. Hi.Copy !req
789. Ooh, oh.Copy !req
790. Wait, wait.Copy !req
791. Oh!Copy !req
792. Are you crazy?Copy !req
793. What is wrong with you?Copy !req
794. We were just being cute!Copy !req
795. Cute kissing.Copy !req
796. For attention.Copy !req
797. Are you stupid, Harvard?Copy !req
798. Oh, this is why I can't
be friends with women!Copy !req
799. Why does everyone want
to have sex with me?Copy !req
800. Okay, so, Valencia, Valencia?Copy !req
801. It's all good, okay?Copy !req
802. It's just, it's just
there's so much love here.Copy !req
803. Just back off, okay?Copy !req
804. I-I think we should call it a night.Copy !req
805. - You think?
- Hey, shh, come on.Copy !req
806. No, I-I just want to apologize!
I want to talk to you...Copy !req
807. The reason why, the reason
with her... Valencia?Copy !req
808. See, okay, it all makes sense,Copy !req
809. because it's a circle of love.Copy !req
810. Because I love you.Copy !req
811. You love Josh.Copy !req
812. And Josh and I used to love each other.Copy !req
813. What is this drunk bitch talking about?Copy !req
814. Um...Copy !req
815. so I'd like to start by sayingCopy !req
816. that it was nothing.Copy !req
817. What... is... she...Copy !req
818. talking about?Copy !req
819. Um...Copy !req
820. um...Copy !req
821. Do you remember that summer
between 11th and 12th gradeCopy !req
822. when, uh, I went to camp...Copy !req
823. and we were technically on a break?Copy !req
824. It was, it was eons ago!
Right? It was eons ago!Copy !req
825. It meant nothing!Copy !req
826. It was just two young bucksCopy !req
827. sharing two months of summer love.Copy !req
828. It was a moment of connection.Copy !req
829. And isn't that what yoga's all about?Copy !req
830. Why did you lie to me?Copy !req
831. B-Because he...Copy !req
832. I-I was afraid. I was afraid.Copy !req
833. I was afraid, okay?Copy !req
834. I was afraid.Copy !req
835. I don't know what you're trying to doCopy !req
836. or why you pretended to be my friend,Copy !req
837. but stay away from meCopy !req
838. and my Josh.Copy !req
839. Are you okay?Copy !req
840. No.Copy !req
841. Let me go out on a limb and sayCopy !req
842. telling the truth from the beginningCopy !req
843. probably would've been
the better option here?Copy !req
844. You're right.Copy !req
845. I messed everything up.Copy !req
846. Thank you for pointing it out.Copy !req
847. Is this what you wanted?Copy !req
848. You're right.Copy !req
849. I'm hungry.Copy !req
850. You want to go to a diner?Copy !req
851. Maybe get a cup of coffee?Copy !req
852. You could use a cup of
coffee, some flapjacks.Copy !req
853. Just... I...Copy !req
854. Stop being nice to me, okay?Copy !req
855. Great to see you, Mr. Spiders!Copy !req
856. Well, at least that's been cleared up.Copy !req
857. It's not Christmas!Copy !req
858. Well, I just like the song.Copy !req
859. Where's Rebecca?Copy !req
860. I usually see you two at
break enjoying your Luna Bars.Copy !req
861. Who cares? I don't care about her.Copy !req
862. She talks too much.Copy !req
863. Well, I don't know about that.Copy !req
864. But she does always
eat the Lemon Zest bars,Copy !req
865. before I can get my mitts on them, mmm.Copy !req
866. You know Luna Bars are for women, right?Copy !req
867. Oh, I did not.Copy !req
868. Yeah, I think they have,
like, menstrual blood in them.Copy !req
869. Stop that.Copy !req
870. No, they don't.Copy !req
871. Oof!Copy !req
872. It's a long story.Copy !req
873. Can I get the number for
Luna Bars customer service?Copy !req
874. I feel like I've lost her.Copy !req
875. I know I still have you.Copy !req
876. But you have your rugby friends now.Copy !req
877. What should I do?Copy !req
878. Hey.Copy !req
879. Hey.Copy !req
880. Oh!Copy !req
881. Munchkin.Copy !req
882. God, I am so sorry.Copy !req
883. I'm such a bad friend.Copy !req
884. You're the only person that I can trust.Copy !req
885. You know why? You're a true friend.Copy !req
886. Because a true friend
is somebody who loves youCopy !req
887. no matter what.Copy !req
888. Even if your Downward Dog is horrible.Copy !req
889. Oh, come here.Copy !req
890. Oh, you guys.Copy !req
891. Ow, not you, Darryl! Get off!Copy !req
892. You know, that's not true about Luna Bars.Copy !req
893. Talked to the customer service.Copy !req
894. They were very nice.Copy !req
895. So, my client, Mr. Mendez,
will drop his counter-suitCopy !req
896. and will reimburse Mr. Robertson
for all of his relocation feesCopy !req
897. for the entire duration of construction.Copy !req
898. Also, he will provide a free leaseCopy !req
899. on a floor-through spaceCopy !req
900. for a period of 18 months.Copy !req
901. Hmm, Ms. Bunch,Copy !req
902. your arguments are...Copy !req
903. persuasive.Copy !req
904. I rule in your favor, Mr. Mendez.Copy !req
905. You are free to build on that lot,Copy !req
906. pending the usual
approvals and inspections.Copy !req
907. Thank you.Copy !req
908. Ah!Copy !req
909. I have been trying to settle
this case for ten years.Copy !req
910. Uh, yeah, I think you
mentioned that once or twice.Copy !req
911. This is what she did for you her
first week of working for you.Copy !req
912. Imagine what she's gonna do next week.Copy !req
913. Yes! Yes!Copy !req
914. - Yes!
- Let's go.Copy !req
915. - Go drink, gentlemen.
- Yes! Ha-ha!Copy !req
916. Thank you, thank you.Copy !req
917. You're welcome.Copy !req
918. Oh, my God!Copy !req
919. - Well done!
- Bang! Bang! Bang!Copy !req
920. Oh! Oh, guess what.Copy !req
921. What? I got something for you.Copy !req
922. Oh, Paula, another present?Copy !req
923. Come on, you don't have to do that.Copy !req
924. Don't move.Copy !req
925. I got these...Copy !req
926. for your feud with Valencia.Copy !req
927. So, you know,Copy !req
928. if it ever becomes a feud again,Copy !req
929. we'll have these handy.Copy !req
930. Paula, that's really sweet.Copy !req
931. Thank you.Copy !req
932. I just want you to know
that if you ever need it,Copy !req
933. this... T-shirt will
always be there for you.Copy !req
934. I know, thank you.Copy !req
935. Okay.Copy !req
936. And I'm here.Copy !req
937. The-the
T-shirt is me.Copy !req
938. - Which you got that.
- Yeah, I get it.Copy !req
939. I don't know whyCopy !req
940. I felt the need to explain that to...Copy !req
941. Hi, excuse me.Copy !req
942. Um, I'm here to see Rebecca Bunch.Copy !req
943. Is she here?Copy !req
944. Hi.Copy !req
945. Hi, do you have a second?Copy !req
946. Uh, yeah, I have a second.Copy !req
947. I have two seconds.Copy !req
948. How many... seconds do you need?Copy !req
949. Let's take all the seconds.Copy !req
950. Okay. Let's go...Copy !req
951. This is my good luck room!Copy !req
952. Let's go in my good luck room.Copy !req
953. You know why it's my good luck room?Copy !req
954. I just actually won,
like, a big case in here.Copy !req
955. Like, literally seconds
ago, I won a huge case. Wow.Copy !req
956. Yeah. This place is sweet!Copy !req
957. Yeah, yeah, it's...Copy !req
958. Why are you here? Why are... ?Copy !req
959. Not, like, why are you
here? Why are you here?Copy !req
960. Uh, I've been thinking about it a lot,Copy !req
961. and I realize...Copy !req
962. I shouldn't have asked you to lie.Copy !req
963. The-the crazy stuff that
happened last night, it wasCopy !req
964. all my fault in a way,
because of the lying.Copy !req
965. No, no. Some of it was my fault, too.Copy !req
966. I mean, sticking my tongue
down your girlfriend's throatCopy !req
967. kind of crossed a line.Copy !req
968. Right?Copy !req
969. Well, anyway, uh, I'd
like to make it up to you.Copy !req
970. So I was thinking you want
to grab that dinner tonight?Copy !req
971. Um...Copy !req
972. yeah.Copy !req
973. That sounds great.Copy !req
974. - Mmm, mmm!
- So good.Copy !req
975. - Right?
- Mmm!Copy !req
976. - This place is awesome.
- I know.Copy !req
977. Do you come here a lot?Copy !req
978. Well, nah, it's a little far.Copy !req
979. I was gonna say I drove,
like, 45 minutes to get here.Copy !req
980. Yeah.Copy !req
981. Does Valencia know we're
hanging out tonight?Copy !req
982. Uh, no, she says she doesn't want meCopy !req
983. to see you ever again.Copy !req
984. So this is probably the last timeCopy !req
985. we can have dinner.Copy !req
986. Well, we'll see about that.Copy !req
987. Yeah.Copy !req
988. We'll see about that.Copy !req
989. Welcome, everyone,Copy !req
990. to Vampire Weekend.Copy !req
991. For those of you who would
like to go water-skiing,Copy !req
992. there will be a tutorialCopy !req
993. at 2:00... a.m.Copy !req
994. You see?Copy !req
995. — Synced and corrected by ChrisKe —
— www.addic7ed.com —Copy !req