1. Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...Copy !req
2. Whoever this Josh Chan is,Copy !req
3. you are, you're obsessed with him.Copy !req
4. So you're saying that I
moved here from New YorkCopy !req
5. and I left behind a job
that would've paid meCopy !req
6. $545,000 a year for a guyCopy !req
7. I dated for two months when
I was 16 at a summer camp?Copy !req
8. - I did not do that.
- What's the deal with you and Josh?Copy !req
9. Josh isn't my type.Copy !req
10. But, like, speaking of types,Copy !req
11. - like, what type's his girlfriend?
- I should go.Copy !req
12. Did you see this résumé?Copy !req
13. Harvard? Yale?Copy !req
14. What the hell is she doing here?Copy !req
15. That's a sexist term.Copy !req
16. Can you guys stop
singing for just a second?Copy !req
17. The situation's a lot
more nuanced than that.Copy !req
18. Okay! We get it!Copy !req
19. Ugh...Copy !req
20. It's so hot.Copy !req
21. Is it always this hot?Copy !req
22. Yeah.Copy !req
23. You're getting a sexy SoCal farmer's tan.Copy !req
24. Now, that's a good look.Copy !req
25. - So I've been thinking about it...
- Yes?Copy !req
26. And there could be, like,Copy !req
27. a million reasons why
Josh hasn't texted me back.Copy !req
28. Look, he specifically wrote in his text:Copy !req
29. “Want to grab dinner? Smiley face.”Copy !req
30. Which is the least he
can do, since you leftCopy !req
31. your great job and moved
to this dump to be with him.Copy !req
32. Hey! I didn't move here for him, remember?Copy !req
33. I moved here because I needed a changeCopy !req
34. and Josh just happens to be here.Copy !req
35. Get it straight.Copy !req
36. Oh, are we still doing that? Okay.Copy !req
37. All right, just let me know
when we can stop, becauseCopy !req
38. I actually want to know what's keeping himCopy !req
39. from having dinner with his dear old friendCopy !req
40. - from summer camp.
- I don't know.Copy !req
41. - What are you... Don't do that.
- Let's see what he's been up to.Copy !req
42. - You can't take a person's personal
electronic... - I just didCopy !req
43. Oh, look at this.Copy !req
44. What? Wait, wait, wait.
Has he updated his statusCopy !req
45. in the last 20 minutes?Copy !req
46. Not that I've been checking, I was...Copy !req
47. Checking? Oh, that is amateur hour.Copy !req
48. You gotta change your
push notifications. Look.Copy !req
49. He is going to a club called SpidersCopy !req
50. with his friends tonight.Copy !req
51. And so, we will, too.Copy !req
52. Spiders. I drove by there the other night.Copy !req
53. It was hopping.Copy !req
54. But I always wonder, though,Copy !req
55. is it possessive Spider'sCopy !req
56. or plural Spiders?Copy !req
57. Because every time I see a flyer for it,Copy !req
58. the apostrophe's in a different location.Copy !req
59. What difference does it make?Copy !req
60. It doesn't make a
difference, it's just, like,Copy !req
61. it's two different things.Copy !req
62. Like, either the club is owned by a spiderCopy !req
63. or the club is filled with,
like, a bunch of spiders.Copy !req
64. So... it's a different thing.Copy !req
65. Okay, let's go back to
what you were saying.Copy !req
66. You know what?Copy !req
67. I actually really like your idea.Copy !req
68. Let's go to Spider's tonight.Copy !req
69. Just, like, as a gal date.Copy !req
70. Like, not-not 'cause Josh is there.Copy !req
71. In fact, I hope Josh isn't there,Copy !req
72. so that when I do my sexyCopy !req
73. dance moves, it's just for me.Copy !req
74. It's just for me.Copy !req
75. Oh!Copy !req
76. Hey!Copy !req
77. Hi. Cool hat.Copy !req
78. Hats are the new tattoos.Copy !req
79. Oh, yeah, I read that.Copy !req
80. Let's go find Josh.Copy !req
81. Okay, well, you can find JoshCopy !req
82. and I'll be in there just checking outCopy !req
83. the local indigenous culture. Uh-huh.Copy !req
84. Well, while you're in there chattingCopy !req
85. about the majestic
history of the 10 freeway,Copy !req
86. I'm gonna be asking Josh ChanCopy !req
87. why he's been dodging you.Copy !req
88. See, now, there it's possessive.Copy !req
89. Yo...Copy !req
90. You see my hat?Copy !req
91. It's like a tattoo,Copy !req
92. but on my head.Copy !req
93. Let us in.Copy !req
94. You on the list, Mrs. Butterworth?Copy !req
95. I don't care for that tone...Copy !req
96. - Or that reference.
- Okay. Um, I... I...Copy !req
97. I got this. Sorry.Copy !req
98. Sorry, she doesn't know about club culture.Copy !req
99. Um... I should've done this earlier,Copy !req
100. it's more suave, but... let us in?Copy !req
101. Thank you.Copy !req
102. Yo, this is $500.Copy !req
103. Um... yeah.Copy !req
104. Yeah, it is.Copy !req
105. Look, if this had been a 20, you'd be good.Copy !req
106. But either you're a cop
or you're a drug dealer.Copy !req
107. Either way, y'all ain't getting in.Copy !req
108. Okay.Copy !req
109. Okay...Copy !req
110. Okay. Yeah.Copy !req
111. No, not tonight. No.Copy !req
112. Oh, see... Hey, hey.Copy !req
113. Come on. Come on. Come on, come on.Copy !req
114. You gonna get runs in your stockingsCopy !req
115. and all that stuff,
man, you don't want that.Copy !req
116. Gotta keep moving. Come on.Copy !req
117. Okay. All right.Copy !req
118. I'm sorry, not tonight.Copy !req
119. Just... easy, easy, killer.Copy !req
120. All right. You know.Copy !req
121. All right. Well, if we're
not getting in the club,Copy !req
122. do you want to...Copy !req
123. do you want to hang out, do something else?Copy !req
124. Ooh!Copy !req
125. There's a new Olive Garden in Arcadia.Copy !req
126. They're still figuring out their portions.Copy !req
127. Nah, I don't...Copy !req
128. I kind of want to just call it a night.Copy !req
129. No... oh, come on, man.Copy !req
130. I got a pass.Copy !req
131. I told Scott I was gonna beCopy !req
132. out all night having my period.Copy !req
133. He asked me no questions.Copy !req
134. I just, you know...Copy !req
135. coming from New York,Copy !req
136. a quiet night is a luxury.Copy !req
137. - Can we take a rain check?
- All right.Copy !req
138. I like alone time.Copy !req
139. No...Copy !req
140. I love alone time.Copy !req
141. And it was then the Fuhrer decided uponCopy !req
142. the Final Solution.Copy !req
143. What are you doing?Copy !req
144. Uh, Danny, could I get a price
check on, uh, pork rinds?Copy !req
145. Price check on pork rinds.Copy !req
146. Josh-osh-osh-osh.Copy !req
147. Can I help you, ma'am?Copy !req
148. No, I'm fine.Copy !req
149. I'm just watching my ex-boyfriendCopy !req
150. make out with the hottest
girl I've ever seen.Copy !req
151. Ah, she's okay.Copy !req
152. No...Copy !req
153. You know what?Copy !req
154. She's smoking.Copy !req
155. Oh, yeah, I see it now.Copy !req
156. She's got one of them secret booties.Copy !req
157. Oh, does he know you still dig him?Copy !req
158. He's just a friend!Copy !req
159. Sorry. It's a long story.Copy !req
160. Oh! Whoa, whoa!Copy !req
161. Whoa. Sor...Copy !req
162. Hey.Copy !req
163. Wow.Copy !req
164. Um... so I-I texted you after the party,Copy !req
165. but I didn't hear back.Copy !req
166. Yeah, I'm sorry.Copy !req
167. - I've been really busy with work.
- Seriously, though,Copy !req
168. now that I have you here,Copy !req
169. could we maybe have a postmortemCopy !req
170. on the whole makeout-crying session?Copy !req
171. I really don't think it's the timeCopy !req
172. or the place. I...Copy !req
173. Wow.Copy !req
174. Dude, they got Twizzlers.Copy !req
175. - Throwback!
- That's great.Copy !req
176. Um, Rebecca,Copy !req
177. let me introduce you to
these two fine gentlemen.Copy !req
178. This is Hector, 203rd
best surfer in the state.Copy !req
179. - 202nd.
- Great.Copy !req
180. And this is White Josh,Copy !req
181. so named because he looks just like Josh,Copy !req
182. except for he's white.Copy !req
183. Also, my... my name is also Josh.Copy !req
184. Mmm.Copy !req
185. Well, we've all met.Copy !req
186. Um, hopefully the next time, I'll be...Copy !req
187. Better looking?Copy !req
188. - Thanks.
- He doesn't mean that.Copy !req
189. Uh... it's fine.Copy !req
190. Um, I will text you at some point,Copy !req
191. I just... I-I really... I have to...Copy !req
192. - Okay.
- Yeah. I have to go.Copy !req
193. Bras are in aisle one.Copy !req
194. That's really nice.Copy !req
195. It's, like, only $5.26.Copy !req
196. That's not that bad.Copy !req
197. Um, I think the ice cream is down here.Copy !req
198. What are you talking about, Joshy?Copy !req
199. It's right in front of you.Copy !req
200. Are you okay?Copy !req
201. Wait, why is Greg talking to a homeless?Copy !req
202. Oh, hi, Rebecca.Copy !req
203. Hey.Copy !req
204. You know each other?Copy !req
205. Yeah, uh, this is my friend Rebecca.Copy !req
206. We, um,Copy !req
207. met at summer camp,
like, a million, billion,Copy !req
208. trillion, like, a zillion years ago.Copy !req
209. Summer camp?Copy !req
210. You guys met in summer camp?Copy !req
211. Yeah, we were like...
like, eight years old.Copy !req
212. Right, Rebecca?Copy !req
213. No, we were...Copy !req
214. We were eight and a half.Copy !req
215. That was very important to meCopy !req
216. when I was eight. I'm eight and a half!Copy !req
217. You know. Kids.Copy !req
218. Uh, this is Valencia.Copy !req
219. My girlfriend.Copy !req
220. Hi.Copy !req
221. - Nice to meet you. Oh.
- Hi.Copy !req
222. My lady.Copy !req
223. I'm confused.Copy !req
224. You don't know each other from New York?Copy !req
225. - No.
- Nope.Copy !req
226. Wait.Copy !req
227. How do you guys know each other?Copy !req
228. Oh, we, um,Copy !req
229. met at Home Base, um,Copy !req
230. and then we just became, like, cazh buds,Copy !req
231. and, yeah, that's-that's
just, that's what happened.Copy !req
232. Valencia, that's such a beautiful name.Copy !req
233. What's the origin of that?Copy !req
234. Well, it used to be Maria,Copy !req
235. but I never felt like a MariaCopy !req
236. so I changed it to my mother's
maiden name: “Valencia"Copy !req
237. It's the Spanish word for “brave"Copy !req
238. That's really cool.Copy !req
239. Actually, I thought
about doing the same thingCopy !req
240. with my mother's maiden name.Copy !req
241. Um, it's “Garfinkel,”Copy !req
242. which is the Yiddish word
for “diamond dealer.”Copy !req
243. Um...Copy !req
244. God, I love that dress.Copy !req
245. Can I just say, like,Copy !req
246. I cannot wear dresses like that,Copy !req
247. and you pull it off so, so well.Copy !req
248. I mean, you are... you're just so pretty.Copy !req
249. I mean, you have a great body.Copy !req
250. Well, I teach yoga. Keeps me fit.Copy !req
251. Oh, my God, I love yoga!Copy !req
252. That's so funny that
we're meeting right now,Copy !req
253. 'cause I love yoga.Copy !req
254. You do?Copy !req
255. Yeah, I-I love it.Copy !req
256. Well, maybe you should comeCopy !req
257. to one of my classes.Copy !req
258. I would love that!Copy !req
259. - I would love to have you!
- I would love to be had!Copy !req
260. Why are their voices so high?Copy !req
261. Cool.Copy !req
262. Well, God, this has
just been the best night.Copy !req
263. It was so great meeting you.Copy !req
264. I'm just going to gracefully exeunt,Copy !req
265. pursued by a bear.Copy !req
266. Uh, hey, I'll be right back.Copy !req
267. Can you get me two more pints?Copy !req
268. Oh, my God, she's so pretty,
oh, my God, she's so pretty,Copy !req
269. oh, my God, she's so pretty,
oh, my God, she's so pretty.Copy !req
270. Hi.Copy !req
271. Hey.Copy !req
272. What was up with that
“eight years old” thing?Copy !req
273. We were 16 when we were at camp.Copy !req
274. No biggie. Just, uh...Copy !req
275. the thing with us at
camp, no one knows that,Copy !req
276. especially Valencia,Copy !req
277. so let's just keep it on the DL.Copy !req
278. - Is this because I look like a homeless?
- No, just,Copy !req
279. Valencia, she sometimes
sweats these things.Copy !req
280. You get it.Copy !req
281. Wait...Copy !req
282. Is that the reason you haven't
gotten back to me about dinner?Copy !req
283. Come on, dude.Copy !req
284. I'm no threat!Copy !req
285. Look at her!Copy !req
286. Look at me!Copy !req
287. Her! Me!Copy !req
288. Yoga! Homeless!Copy !req
289. And I... I have no problem with her.Copy !req
290. I think she's terrific.Copy !req
291. I mean, did you see how we...Copy !req
292. we instantly bonded? Actually, I...Copy !req
293. I would like to be friends with her.Copy !req
294. What? No.Copy !req
295. That's not a good idea.Copy !req
296. I don't think you guys should be friends
or anything like that.Copy !req
297. Okay, okay. No, you're right, you're right.Copy !req
298. I am.Copy !req
299. Just chill, okay?Copy !req
300. Okay.Copy !req
301. Anyway,Copy !req
302. - I got to roll. Catch you later.
- Oh, okay.Copy !req
303. I'll catch you...Copy !req
304. Hey, Val? I got your chin.Copy !req
305. I got your chin.Copy !req
306. What are you doing?Copy !req
307. Josh's girlfriend is so nice.Copy !req
308. Like, so nice.Copy !req
309. Like, stop being this nice.Copy !req
310. You are so pretty.Copy !req
311. So, I got provisions for usCopy !req
312. for while we work on this arbitration,Copy !req
313. because it is going to be...Copy !req
314. a long day.Copy !req
315. First...Copy !req
316. Mama got you the strawberry donutsCopy !req
317. that you like from the
place around the corner.Copy !req
318. And...Copy !req
319. look at what I found at the car wash.Copy !req
320. Sh-bam!Copy !req
321. It's a Statue of Liberty key chain.Copy !req
322. 'Cause you're from New York.Copy !req
323. Do you get it?Copy !req
324. Do you, do you like it?Copy !req
325. Yeah, no...Copy !req
326. I'm sorry, I love it, yeah!Copy !req
327. Oh, that's so sweet.Copy !req
328. I don't have anything for you.Copy !req
329. Put it on your keys!Copy !req
330. Okay, yeah.Copy !req
331. No, I mean, like, right now!Copy !req
332. 'Cause I want to, I
want to watch it happen!Copy !req
333. Oh, okay.Copy !req
334. Ah, I'm sorry.Copy !req
335. I'm sorry, I always wanted a daughter.Copy !req
336. I didn't, my-my kids are not daughters.Copy !req
337. They're terrible.Copy !req
338. I'll-I'll tell you about it later.Copy !req
339. Or now.Copy !req
340. So, Valencia's interestsCopy !req
341. include tempeh patties,Copy !req
342. and Vampire Weekend.Copy !req
343. I just feel like we have so much in common.Copy !req
344. What's Vampire Weekend?Copy !req
345. Um, it's a weekend away with vampires.Copy !req
346. I'm pretty sure it's not that.Copy !req
347. No, I-I read about it in The New Yorker.Copy !req
348. It's very popular.Copy !req
349. Let me see her picture.
Let me see her face.Copy !req
350. Here, take a look, see?Copy !req
351. Whoa-ho-ho!Copy !req
352. She is smoking!Copy !req
353. So pretty, right?Copy !req
354. And Josh says I can't be friends with her,Copy !req
355. but I really like her.Copy !req
356. Come on.Copy !req
357. You loathe her.Copy !req
358. Um, no, I don't.Copy !req
359. Oh, okay!Copy !req
360. Let me tell you how this works.Copy !req
361. Women of equal sexual
viability hate each other.Copy !req
362. Even if they pretend to like each other.Copy !req
363. And that is how it has workedCopy !req
364. since the day vagina's were invented.Copy !req
365. See, okay, look.Copy !req
366. You're like these two, all right?Copy !req
367. You're Taylor Swift and she's Katy Perry.Copy !req
368. Oh, wait a minute...
Maybe you're Katy Perry.Copy !req
369. No! No, you're Taylor Swift.Copy !req
370. You're uptight and weird, right?Copy !req
371. Okay, this is why I don't
read this drivel, right?Copy !req
372. Because it perpetuates
the very misogynist mythCopy !req
373. that women can't get along, right?Copy !req
374. Look at this cover!Copy !req
375. “Femme feud, girl fight.Copy !req
376. Who wore it better?”Copy !req
377. It's like, “Who wore it equally?”Copy !req
378. God, you're boring.Copy !req
379. Look, I get what you're doingCopy !req
380. with this girl and I totally approve!Copy !req
381. You befriend the enemy and you
get more face time with Josh.Copy !req
382. If you really neutralize her,Copy !req
383. maybe she'll give you some
solo time with him, so...Copy !req
384. No, no, mm-mm, no.Copy !req
385. That's not what I'm doing.Copy !req
386. That's not what I'm doing at all.Copy !req
387. I know, that is not what you're doingCopy !req
388. at all... wink.Copy !req
389. No, I... I
really want to be her friend.Copy !req
390. Like, genuinely want to be her friend.Copy !req
391. - Wink.
- Stop winking!Copy !req
392. Ooh. Oh, she's teaching a
yoga class today at 3:00.Copy !req
393. Oh, that's, like, now!Copy !req
394. Change of plans.Copy !req
395. Eat the donut for me.Copy !req
396. I'm gonna go. While I'm gone,Copy !req
397. pull up the Mendez file,
and see what previous motionsCopy !req
398. the plaintiff has put
before the judge, okay?Copy !req
399. Yeah... I love this!Copy !req
400. Gonna use it on my car right now.Copy !req
401. Okay...Copy !req
402. Go get her!Copy !req
403. I'll be right here.Copy !req
404. And just breathe.Copy !req
405. Good.Copy !req
406. Everyone, thank you for joining me todayCopy !req
407. in a journey of
self-discovery and reflection.Copy !req
408. Oh, you came.Copy !req
409. How nice.Copy !req
410. Everyone, we have some new faces today.Copy !req
411. Welcome. Namaste.Copy !req
412. Namaste.Copy !req
413. Can I get an “ohm”?Copy !req
414. Okay.Copy !req
415. So, let's start in a gentle stretch.Copy !req
416. Breathe in.Copy !req
417. And out.Copy !req
418. Good, now let's move into
our first Vinyasa flow.Copy !req
419. And breathe in.Copy !req
420. And exhale on an ah...Copy !req
421. Ah!Copy !req
422. Ah...Copy !req
423. If you want to just stay in child's pose,Copy !req
424. it's totally fine.Copy !req
425. Nope, I'm an adult!Copy !req
426. Wow!Copy !req
427. Um, that was, like, amazing.Copy !req
428. Yeah, you are really sweating.Copy !req
429. I think you really cleared out some toxins.Copy !req
430. I can see those heavy metals
just pouring out of you.Copy !req
431. Heavy metals, yeah.Copy !req
432. Well, I do eat a lot of auto parts.Copy !req
433. Huh?Copy !req
434. Nothing, it's stupid.Copy !req
435. I'm stupid.Copy !req
436. Hey, do you want to go
grab, like, a coffee with meCopy !req
437. or something?Copy !req
438. I only drink water.Copy !req
439. And I got to go do some cardio.Copy !req
440. It's hard to break a sweat
doing beginner's yoga.Copy !req
441. Of... yeah, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
442. So, maybe another time.Copy !req
443. Well, no worries.Copy !req
444. 'Cause I'm just gonna keep coming back.Copy !req
445. Um, I bought a 20-pack on my way in,Copy !req
446. so I'm kind of your sugar mamaCopy !req
447. if you know what I'm saying.Copy !req
448. Yeah, I wish.Copy !req
449. I only get to keep 50% of each class.Copy !req
450. But until I own my own
studio, I can't complain.Copy !req
451. Well, your own studio. I mean, that's,Copy !req
452. that's a great idea. Have
you looked into stuff yet?Copy !req
453. Because I-I'm actually, I'm a lawyerCopy !req
454. and real estate is my specialty.Copy !req
455. And I could help you find a cheap place,Copy !req
456. get a good deal on a lease.Copy !req
457. Why would you want to do that?Copy !req
458. Well, that's why I moved here...
To support a local community.Copy !req
459. And building small businesses
is an essential part of that.Copy !req
460. Wow, did you, like, go
to Harvard or something?Copy !req
461. Um, yeah, but I don't
like to talk about it,Copy !req
462. 'cause people get weird.Copy !req
463. Your shirt says Harvard.Copy !req
464. That way I don't have to talk about it.Copy !req
465. Hmm, wow. That's... impressive.Copy !req
466. Hey! Oh, mmm!Copy !req
467. This just popped into my nogs.Copy !req
468. Why don't we get lunch sometime this week,Copy !req
469. and I'll just, I'll go over
all the deets about leasesCopy !req
470. and how it works.Copy !req
471. And I can buy you a really nice water.Copy !req
472. Okay.Copy !req
473. I like boxed water.Copy !req
474. Great.Copy !req
475. So...Copy !req
476. have a nice lunch with Valerio.Copy !req
477. Who knows, maybe next time,Copy !req
478. you'll actually have lunch with Josh.Copy !req
479. Uh, okay, again, this
is not because of Josh.Copy !req
480. Who's that?Copy !req
481. Josh!Copy !req
482. Hey!Copy !req
483. Hi!Copy !req
484. Sorry.Copy !req
485. Hi, um, so you wanted to see me?Copy !req
486. Oh, before we go talk,
do you want some boba?Copy !req
487. It actually horrifies me personally.Copy !req
488. It's like drinking little tumors.Copy !req
489. But if you want some,
like, knock yourself out.Copy !req
490. No, I'm good, I'm good.Copy !req
491. So, listen, uh, I've
been scratching my headCopy !req
492. a little bit here, 'cause I heardCopy !req
493. you were having lunch with Valencia?Copy !req
494. And I thought you were
gonna keep a little distance?Copy !req
495. Yeah, um, the friendship thing.Copy !req
496. I know that we talked about that.Copy !req
497. But it just kind of,
it happened organically.Copy !req
498. You know?Copy !req
499. I won't say a word about camp.Copy !req
500. Oh, my God, like,Copy !req
501. I don't even factor that whole
thing into our friendship.Copy !req
502. I honestly, I barely remember it.Copy !req
503. I mean, I've had many
sexual partners since.Copy !req
504. Clean as a whistle, though.Copy !req
505. I don't know.Copy !req
506. Uh, uh, she can get mad.Copy !req
507. She can, you know,Copy !req
508. get really mad.Copy !req
509. But what's there to be mad about?Copy !req
510. Because if we're just
gonna be buds, that's all.Copy !req
511. And the great thing is, if we're friends,Copy !req
512. then we can all hang out
and it won't be awkward.Copy !req
513. Right? We could have lunchesCopy !req
514. and dinners and go to Spiders.Copy !req
515. Find out if it's possessive or plural.Copy !req
516. Right?Copy !req
517. Thank you for letting me
order off the children's menu.Copy !req
518. You're so nice.Copy !req
519. This looks so good.Copy !req
520. So I really think we're gonnaCopy !req
521. get the property on East Cameron.Copy !req
522. You think so?Copy !req
523. It would be so perfect.Copy !req
524. The square footage is exactly what I need.Copy !req
525. But it was so expensive.Copy !req
526. And you low-balled the guy.Copy !req
527. No, no. By the end of lunch,Copy !req
528. that guy's gonna call and cave.Copy !req
529. So, um,Copy !req
530. go back to what you were
saying about your diet,Copy !req
531. - 'cause it was, it was fascinating.
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
532. So, I sent my wellness
coach a drop of my blood,Copy !req
533. and she told me which foods
go best with my blood type.Copy !req
534. So it's lots and lots of greensCopy !req
535. and lean proteins and no legumes.Copy !req
536. No legumes, no starches.Copy !req
537. God, she's so skinny.Copy !req
538. No wonder Josh loves her.Copy !req
539. You know, I-I sent a drop of bloodCopy !req
540. to a wellness coach one time,Copy !req
541. and they said that my blood type
works best with Panda Express.Copy !req
542. - Really?
- No. No, it doesn't.Copy !req
543. Oh, you were making a joke.Copy !req
544. - Yeah, yeah.
- Oh.Copy !req
545. Yeah, I think you did that once before.Copy !req
546. Sorry, I don't like humor.Copy !req
547. Okay.Copy !req
548. Um, I've been meaning to ask you.Copy !req
549. What kind of face moisturizer do you use?Copy !req
550. 'Cause my face has been
dry for, like, 20 years.Copy !req
551. Unrefined coconut oil.Copy !req
552. - Really?
- Yeah, mm-hmm.Copy !req
553. So, anyway, something else
my wellness coach said was...Copy !req
554. Actually don't do the oil
pulling for 20 minutes...Copy !req
555. Coconut oil.Copy !req
556. Long necklace nestled in cleavage.Copy !req
557. Silky romper... how do
you pee in that thing?Copy !req
558. Hold on.Copy !req
559. Hold that very important thought.Copy !req
560. We got your yoga studio.Copy !req
561. We did? Yeah.Copy !req
562. Oh, my God, you're amazing.Copy !req
563. Oh. Oh, my God.Copy !req
564. Hey, you're amazing.Copy !req
565. - You smell like roasted corn.
- Huh?Copy !req
566. I said you smell like roasted corn.Copy !req
567. Oh, thanks.Copy !req
568. God, I can't believe you did it.Copy !req
569. Well, I went to Harvard.Copy !req
570. I don't mess around.Copy !req
571. Do all people who go to Harvard
say it as much as you do?Copy !req
572. Yeah.Copy !req
573. You've checked your phone, like, 80 times.Copy !req
574. Why are you so worriedCopy !req
575. about Valencia having lunch with Rebecca?Copy !req
576. Don't know, it just... feels weird.Copy !req
577. Why? Did you and Rebecca
hook up or something?Copy !req
578. Um, no, bro, I was eight years old.Copy !req
579. Even I am not that big of a stud.Copy !req
580. Hmm. Wait, why?Copy !req
581. Are you into Rebecca?Copy !req
582. Well...Copy !req
583. Is that why you're asking me?Copy !req
584. Uh, I'm not... not interested.Copy !req
585. Whoa.Copy !req
586. Wow, Serrano, coming from you,Copy !req
587. that is like... a declaration of love.Copy !req
588. Dude, if you want her, go for it.Copy !req
589. Maybe I will.Copy !req
590. Maybe I will throw my saddleCopy !req
591. - on that filly.
- Yeah.Copy !req
592. Take her for a ride around the paddock.Copy !req
593. Yeah.Copy !req
594. Oh, yeah, you're gonna ride that filly.Copy !req
595. Men are disgusting.Copy !req
596. Yeah.Copy !req
597. Hey, don't worry about
Valencia and Rebecca.Copy !req
598. They are not gonna become friends.Copy !req
599. You know how Valencia is with other women.Copy !req
600. Come on, she's not a bonder.Copy !req
601. She can't bond.Copy !req
602. I love you.Copy !req
603. No, I love you.Copy !req
604. Hey, what's-what's wrong?Copy !req
605. Uh, it's just, you
wouldn't get this about meCopy !req
606. because of my wide student fan base,Copy !req
607. but I actually don't
have a lot of girlfriends.Copy !req
608. Huh.Copy !req
609. The last time I had a solid
crew was in high school,Copy !req
610. but then they all got jealousCopy !req
611. because I got these amazing boobsCopy !req
612. and they were still trolls,Copy !req
613. and so they spread all
these rumors that I, like,Copy !req
614. slept with the English teacher.Copy !req
615. No. I know.Copy !req
616. Which is a total lie,Copy !req
617. because we only did hand stuff.Copy !req
618. And then everyone turned on me,Copy !req
619. and since then, I just...Copy !req
620. I don't get along that
well with other girls.Copy !req
621. Oh, my God, I'm the exact same way.Copy !req
622. Yeah? I mean, except for
the English teacher part.Copy !req
623. - That's-that's really cool.
- Thanks.Copy !req
624. Although, um, it-it's really cool,Copy !req
625. but, like, you know, you
should have reported that.Copy !req
626. Did you report it to the
appropriate authorities?Copy !req
627. Nah, it's just hand
stuff... It's not a big deal.Copy !req
628. Well, I mean, depending
on what age you were,Copy !req
629. it's technically a little
bit of statutory rape.Copy !req
630. Eh... But, you know.Copy !req
631. I'll allow it.Copy !req
632. But seriously, a judge
would not have allowed it.Copy !req
633. He should be in jail.Copy !req
634. Do you know if he went to jail?Copy !req
635. Did he do it to other kids?Copy !req
636. Oh, my God, you're amazing, you're so nice.Copy !req
637. I thought you just only wanted
to do real estate stuff with me,Copy !req
638. but we're friends.Copy !req
639. We're friends, right?Copy !req
640. Yeah. Yeah, we're... we're fr...Copy !req
641. Yeah, we're friends...Copy !req
642. Yeah, we're friends.Copy !req
643. Yeah, 'cause, I mean, like,Copy !req
644. what other agenda could I possibly have?Copy !req
645. That is such a weird thing to say.Copy !req
646. I know!Copy !req
647. Aah! Yeah.Copy !req
648. Mmm, your tushy's warm.Copy !req
649. Thanks.Copy !req
650. Yeah.Copy !req
651. Valencia and I are
basically the same person.Copy !req
652. Oh, she's like me, except for...Copy !req
653. I don't know what she is... Guatemalan?Copy !req
654. I don't know, don't quote me on that.Copy !req
655. Anyway, between us, it's
like we're Siamese souls.Copy !req
656. Excuse me, just one second.Copy !req
657. Now, uh, in case you missed
it, that was me vomiting.Copy !req
658. No, I got it.Copy !req
659. What's wrong with you?Copy !req
660. 'Cause, like, I've made
a really cool friend.Copy !req
661. She's, like, pretty and nice,Copy !req
662. and she knows about,
like, a lot of cool things,Copy !req
663. like coconut oil and
movies and Vampire Weekends.Copy !req
664. Like, what's your deal?Copy !req
665. We had a plan... uh, neutralize
the enemy, not snuggle it.Copy !req
666. No, we didn't have a plan.Copy !req
667. You had a plan, I'm making a friend.Copy !req
668. - What?
- Wow.Copy !req
669. Are you jealous?Copy !req
670. I am not jealous.Copy !req
671. I'm not saying this for
me, I'm saying this for you,Copy !req
672. you munchkin dumb-ass.Copy !req
673. This is unhealthy.Copy !req
674. Okay, all right.Copy !req
675. You need to take some Motrin or something.Copy !req
676. Oh, you know, I have
never met anyone in my lifeCopy !req
677. who lies to themselves as much as you do.Copy !req
678. You lie about why you came here,Copy !req
679. You lie about how you feel about Josh.Copy !req
680. You lie about why you want to
become friends with Valencia.Copy !req
681. Okay, okay, that's enough! God!Copy !req
682. Let's just do this stupid meetingCopy !req
683. with these stupid clients.Copy !req
684. Hello, gentlemen.Copy !req
685. So we heard most of that.Copy !req
686. I'm realizing that now as
I see the horrified looksCopy !req
687. on your faces.Copy !req
688. I'm so sorry.Copy !req
689. Paula and I were just having a
little disagreement out there.Copy !req
690. It has nothing to do with you.Copy !req
691. It will not happen again.Copy !req
692. Let's get down to business,Copy !req
693. shall we?Copy !req
694. You know that was very
inappropriate what we overheard.Copy !req
695. I understand. One sec...Copy !req
696. Going to Spiders.Copy !req
697. Which seems to be possessive plural.Copy !req
698. - Oh.
- Oh, I'm sorry.Copy !req
699. Did I mention that I got RobertsonCopy !req
700. to agree to an arbitration next week?Copy !req
701. I didn't mention that.Copy !req
702. Should have led with that. Sorry.Copy !req
703. How did you do that?Copy !req
704. Uh, we've been trying to do that for years.Copy !req
705. Actually, I threatened
a lawsuit on the groundsCopy !req
706. that they were impeding
commercial development,Copy !req
707. and that they would be liable
for interest or extra costs.Copy !req
708. So, news flash... next week,
you are going to a hearingCopy !req
709. that will allow you to... Most likely...Copy !req
710. Build the $10 million complex
downtown you have always wantedCopy !req
711. in your little heart of hearts,Copy !req
712. and I am going to a super cool nightclub.Copy !req
713. Oh, I got to go get ready.Copy !req
714. I should buy jewelry, I don't have jewelry.Copy !req
715. Uh, love your dress.Copy !req
716. Oh, um, you too, bitches.Copy !req
717. Do you want to take a selfie?Copy !req
718. Yeah.Copy !req
719. Okay, all right, one, two, three.Copy !req
720. What?Copy !req
721. Uh, Mom, I stabbed Tommy.Copy !req
722. Uh, kind of.Copy !req
723. Brendan, I told you I had to work late.Copy !req
724. But, uh, he's sort of bleeding.Copy !req
725. Okay, you know what, figure it out.Copy !req
726. Yeah.Copy !req
727. It's hugging my throat.Copy !req
728. Don't you just love her, Joshy?Copy !req
729. Don't you just want to put herCopy !req
730. in a bowl with chocolate sauce and eat her?Copy !req
731. Uh, uh, I thought we
were off sugar, Valencia.Copy !req
732. Oh, you're funny.Copy !req
733. I'm starting to like humor.Copy !req
734. Come on, dance with me, Joshy.Copy !req
735. I want to see you work that thang.Copy !req
736. What's up with your
resting Maggie Smith face?Copy !req
737. What?Copy !req
738. What is this?Copy !req
739. This? This is called a metallic mini.Copy !req
740. No, the thing where you
copy another girl's outfit.Copy !req
741. What are you up to, you duplicitous minx?Copy !req
742. I'm not copying her.Copy !req
743. I'm just heavily influenced by her,Copy !req
744. like... like how Picasso was
influenced by early portraitureCopy !req
745. before he created the Cubist movement.Copy !req
746. You went to Harvard... We get it.Copy !req
747. Anyway, can I get you a drink?Copy !req
748. Um...Copy !req
749. How many bras are you wearing, by the way?Copy !req
750. Come on, you
crazy kids, let's dance.Copy !req
751. Okay. Come on.Copy !req
752. Okay.Copy !req
753. Whoa, you clean up good.Copy !req
754. Oh, thanks.Copy !req
755. I'm just gonna go dance
with my friend, though, so...Copy !req
756. Hey, whatever happened
with you and your ex?Copy !req
757. Uh, I saw him over there.Copy !req
758. It's the buff Asian dude, right?Copy !req
759. Ex?Copy !req
760. No, he's not my ex.Copy !req
761. I... I was just talk...
I was just talking...Copy !req
762. Oh, you're still bummed
he's with that other girl.Copy !req
763. Don't worry.Copy !req
764. You'll get him, kid.Copy !req
765. Hey, I'll see you at the market.Copy !req
766. Oh, next week we're having
a sale on Clementines.Copy !req
767. It's gonna be tight!Copy !req
768. Wait a second.Copy !req
769. You and Josh dated?Copy !req
770. Okay, so nobody knows.Copy !req
771. Well, that guy knows.Copy !req
772. I am so stupid.Copy !req
773. It all makes sense now...
Everything, all of it.Copy !req
774. - When did you date? In New York?
- It's complicated.Copy !req
775. No, something with you is complicated?Copy !req
776. - Rebecca!
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
777. Just please... just
please don't say anything.Copy !req
778. Please, please, please,
please don't say anything.Copy !req
779. Please, please, please, please.Copy !req
780. Why so serious?Copy !req
781. Come on, dance with Greg.Copy !req
782. Dance with Greg.Copy !req
783. Get away from me.Copy !req
784. She-she wants me to dance with you.Copy !req
785. You do everything she says?Copy !req
786. No.Copy !req
787. Hi.Copy !req
788. Ooh, oh.Copy !req
789. Wait, wait.Copy !req
790. Oh!Copy !req
791. Are you crazy?Copy !req
792. What is wrong with you?Copy !req
793. We were just being cute!Copy !req
794. Cute kissing.Copy !req
795. For attention.Copy !req
796. Are you stupid, Harvard?Copy !req
797. Oh, this is why I can't
be friends with women!Copy !req
798. Why does everyone want
to have sex with me?Copy !req
799. Okay, so, Valencia, Valencia?Copy !req
800. It's all good, okay?Copy !req
801. It's just, it's just
there's so much love here.Copy !req
802. Just back off, okay?Copy !req
803. I-I think we should call it a night.Copy !req
804. - You think?
- Hey, shh, come on.Copy !req
805. No, I-I just want to apologize!
I want to talk to you...Copy !req
806. The reason why, the reason
with her... Valencia?Copy !req
807. See, okay, it all makes sense,Copy !req
808. because it's a circle of love.Copy !req
809. Because I love you.Copy !req
810. You love Josh.Copy !req
811. And Josh and I used to love each other.Copy !req
812. What is this drunk bitch talking about?Copy !req
813. Um...Copy !req
814. so I'd like to start by sayingCopy !req
815. that it was nothing.Copy !req
816. What... is... she...Copy !req
817. talking about?Copy !req
818. Um...Copy !req
819. um...Copy !req
820. Do you remember that summer
between 11th and 12th gradeCopy !req
821. when, uh, I went to camp...Copy !req
822. and we were technically on a break?Copy !req
823. It was, it was eons ago!
Right? It was eons ago!Copy !req
824. It meant nothing!Copy !req
825. It was just two young bucksCopy !req
826. sharing two months of summer love.Copy !req
827. It was a moment of connection.Copy !req
828. And isn't that what yoga's all about?Copy !req
829. Why did you lie to me?Copy !req
830. B-Because he...Copy !req
831. I-I was afraid. I was afraid.Copy !req
832. I was afraid, okay?Copy !req
833. I was afraid.Copy !req
834. I don't know what you're trying to doCopy !req
835. or why you pretended to be my friend,Copy !req
836. but stay away from meCopy !req
837. and my Josh.Copy !req
838. Are you okay?Copy !req
839. No.Copy !req
840. Let me go out on a limb and sayCopy !req
841. telling the truth from the beginningCopy !req
842. probably would've been
the better option here?Copy !req
843. You're right.Copy !req
844. I messed everything up.Copy !req
845. Thank you for pointing it out.Copy !req
846. Is this what you wanted?Copy !req
847. You're right.Copy !req
848. I'm hungry.Copy !req
849. You want to go to a diner?Copy !req
850. Maybe get a cup of coffee?Copy !req
851. You could use a cup of
coffee, some flapjacks.Copy !req
852. Just... I...Copy !req
853. Stop being nice to me, okay?Copy !req
854. Great to see you, Mr. Spiders!Copy !req
855. Well, at least that's been cleared up.Copy !req
856. It's not Christmas!Copy !req
857. Well, I just like the song.Copy !req
858. Where's Rebecca?Copy !req
859. I usually see you two at
break enjoying your Luna Bars.Copy !req
860. Who cares? I don't care about her.Copy !req
861. She talks too much.Copy !req
862. Well, I don't know about that.Copy !req
863. But she does always
eat the Lemon Zest bars,Copy !req
864. before I can get my mitts on them, mmm.Copy !req
865. You know Luna Bars are for women, right?Copy !req
866. Oh, I did not.Copy !req
867. Yeah, I think they have,
like, menstrual blood in them.Copy !req
868. Stop that.Copy !req
869. No, they don't.Copy !req
870. Oof!Copy !req
871. It's a long story.Copy !req
872. Can I get the number for
Luna Bars customer service?Copy !req
873. I feel like I've lost her.Copy !req
874. I know I still have you.Copy !req
875. But you have your rugby friends now.Copy !req
876. What should I do?Copy !req
877. Hey.Copy !req
878. Hey.Copy !req
879. Oh!Copy !req
880. Munchkin.Copy !req
881. God, I am so sorry.Copy !req
882. I'm such a bad friend.Copy !req
883. You're the only person that I can trust.Copy !req
884. You know why? You're a true friend.Copy !req
885. Because a true friend
is somebody who loves youCopy !req
886. no matter what.Copy !req
887. Even if your Downward Dog is horrible.Copy !req
888. Oh, come here.Copy !req
889. Oh, you guys.Copy !req
890. Ow, not you, Darryl! Get off!Copy !req
891. You know, that's not true about Luna Bars.Copy !req
892. Talked to the customer service.Copy !req
893. They were very nice.Copy !req
894. So, my client, Mr. Mendez,
will drop his counter-suitCopy !req
895. and will reimburse Mr. Robertson
for all of his relocation feesCopy !req
896. for the entire duration of construction.Copy !req
897. Also, he will provide a free leaseCopy !req
898. on a floor-through spaceCopy !req
899. for a period of 18 months.Copy !req
900. Hmm, Ms. Bunch,Copy !req
901. your arguments are...Copy !req
902. persuasive.Copy !req
903. I rule in your favor, Mr. Mendez.Copy !req
904. You are free to build on that lot,Copy !req
905. pending the usual
approvals and inspections.Copy !req
906. Thank you.Copy !req
907. Ah!Copy !req
908. I have been trying to settle
this case for ten years.Copy !req
909. Uh, yeah, I think you
mentioned that once or twice.Copy !req
910. This is what she did for you her
first week of working for you.Copy !req
911. Imagine what she's gonna do next week.Copy !req
912. Yes! Yes!Copy !req
913. - Yes!
- Let's go.Copy !req
914. - Go drink, gentlemen.
- Yes! Ha-ha!Copy !req
915. Thank you, thank you.Copy !req
916. You're welcome.Copy !req
917. Oh, my God!Copy !req
918. - Well done!
- Bang! Bang! Bang!Copy !req
919. Oh! Oh, guess what.Copy !req
920. What? I got something for you.Copy !req
921. Oh, Paula, another present?Copy !req
922. Come on, you don't have to do that.Copy !req
923. Don't move.Copy !req
924. I got these...Copy !req
925. for your feud with Valencia.Copy !req
926. So, you know,Copy !req
927. if it ever becomes a feud again,Copy !req
928. we'll have these handy.Copy !req
929. Paula, that's really sweet.Copy !req
930. Thank you.Copy !req
931. I just want you to know
that if you ever need it,Copy !req
932. this... T-shirt will
always be there for you.Copy !req
933. I know, thank you.Copy !req
934. Okay.Copy !req
935. And I'm here.Copy !req
936. The-the T-shirt is me.Copy !req
937. - Which you got that.
- Yeah, I get it.Copy !req
938. I don't know whyCopy !req
939. I felt the need to explain that to...Copy !req
940. Hi, excuse me.Copy !req
941. Um, I'm here to see Rebecca Bunch.Copy !req
942. Is she here?Copy !req
943. Hi.Copy !req
944. Hi, do you have a second?Copy !req
945. Uh, yeah, I have a second.Copy !req
946. I have two seconds.Copy !req
947. How many... seconds do you need?Copy !req
948. Let's take all the seconds.Copy !req
949. Okay. Let's go...Copy !req
950. This is my good luck room!Copy !req
951. Let's go in my good luck room.Copy !req
952. You know why it's my good luck room?Copy !req
953. I just actually won,
like, a big case in here.Copy !req
954. Like, literally seconds
ago, I won a huge case. Wow.Copy !req
955. Yeah. This place is sweet!Copy !req
956. Yeah, yeah, it's...Copy !req
957. Why are you here? Why are... ?Copy !req
958. Not, like, why are you
here? Why are you here?Copy !req
959. Uh, I've been thinking about it a lot,Copy !req
960. and I realize...Copy !req
961. I shouldn't have asked you to lie.Copy !req
962. The-the crazy stuff that
happened last night, it wasCopy !req
963. all my fault in a way,
because of the lying.Copy !req
964. No, no. Some of it was my fault, too.Copy !req
965. I mean, sticking my tongue
down your girlfriend's throatCopy !req
966. kind of crossed a line.Copy !req
967. Right?Copy !req
968. Well, anyway, uh, I'd
like to make it up to you.Copy !req
969. So I was thinking you want
to grab that dinner tonight?Copy !req
970. Um...Copy !req
971. yeah.Copy !req
972. That sounds great.Copy !req
973. - Mmm, mmm!
- So good.Copy !req
974. - Right?
- Mmm!Copy !req
975. - This place is awesome.
- I know.Copy !req
976. Do you come here a lot?Copy !req
977. Well, nah, it's a little far.Copy !req
978. I was gonna say I drove,
like, 45 minutes to get here.Copy !req
979. Yeah.Copy !req
980. Does Valencia know we're
hanging out tonight?Copy !req
981. Uh, no, she says she doesn't want meCopy !req
982. to see you ever again.Copy !req
983. So this is probably the last timeCopy !req
984. we can have dinner.Copy !req
985. Well, we'll see about that.Copy !req
986. Yeah.Copy !req
987. We'll see about that.Copy !req
988. Welcome, everyone,Copy !req
989. to Vampire Weekend.Copy !req
990. For those of you who would
like to go water-skiing,Copy !req
991. there will be a tutorialCopy !req
992. at 2:00... a.m.Copy !req
993. You see?Copy !req