1. Previously on Crazy Ex-GirlfriendCopy !req
2. Do you love her?Copy !req
3. No. God, no.Copy !req
4. Josh, focus on your
girlfriend and on your family.Copy !req
5. Are you kicking me out?Copy !req
6. Bye, Josh.Copy !req
7. If we're not chasing Josh,Copy !req
8. then you're not gonna want to hang outCopy !req
9. with me anymore, I know it.Copy !req
10. This isn't aboutCopy !req
11. anyone else but you.Copy !req
12. You're not second choice.Copy !req
13. This is gonna be, like, three daysCopy !req
14. of you and me just ruining each other.Copy !req
15. "Gaseity"?Copy !req
16. What? That's not a word.Copy !req
17. Incorrect. It is a word.Copy !req
18. It is the state or condition
of being gassy or gaseous,Copy !req
19. and, most importantly,
it is 35 points for moi.Copy !req
20. I think you're cheating.Copy !req
21. Yep. Yeah, you're cheating.
Give me your phone.Copy !req
22. - How could I be cheating?
- Nope.Copy !req
23. - I'm sitting right next to you...
- Hey! Hey! Give me your phone.Copy !req
24. - Give me your phone, let me see
what you're doing. - Hey, hey!Copy !req
25. - I'm just curious how you're
doing this. - Give me that.Copy !req
26. Hello again.Copy !req
27. Oh, hello.Copy !req
28. Shall we?Copy !req
29. Okay.Copy !req
30. Ugh. I gotta go to work.Copy !req
31. No! No...Copy !req
32. Boo work and lifeCopy !req
33. and clothing.Copy !req
34. I don't want to leave the sex cocoon.Copy !req
35. So, I will, uh, call you later,Copy !req
36. or text you,Copy !req
37. and, uh, see if you want to
play any, uh, "word games,"Copy !req
38. if you know what I'm saying.Copy !req
39. Hey, actually, um...Copy !req
40. We should... we should
probably talk for a second.Copy !req
41. You probably want to
talk about, you know,Copy !req
42. all these changes and how
our relationship is evolving,Copy !req
43. 'cause we had such a complex history...Copy !req
44. Oh, you mean because you, like,
broke my heart a bunch of times?Copy !req
45. I don't care about that anymore.Copy !req
46. But... what?Copy !req
47. But... no, no. But... you know.Copy !req
48. We have so much dramaCopy !req
49. and you've asked me out so many timesCopy !req
50. and you... you ran to the courthouse.Copy !req
51. Honestly, it's like a distant memory.Copy !req
52. Okay.Copy !req
53. So you-you...Copy !req
54. You just want to keep things casual?Copy !req
55. Yep. Just light and polite.Copy !req
56. Except in the bedroom... you dig?Copy !req
57. I dig. Yeah.Copy !req
58. You're so pretty.Copy !req
59. It's so cool that I get toCopy !req
60. say that to you now that I'm
not all obsessed, you know?Copy !req
61. It's great, isn't it?Copy !req
62. Yep.Copy !req
63. It's... yeah, oh, phee-ew.Copy !req
64. It's great.Copy !req
65. Yeah.Copy !req
66. Peace.Copy !req
67. Peace.Copy !req
68. Peace?Copy !req
69. That's a sexist term.Copy !req
70. Can you guys stop
singing for just a second?Copy !req
71. The situation's a lot
more nuanced than that.Copy !req
72. Okay! We get it!Copy !req
73. What is up with you?Copy !req
74. You got a bit of a glow about you.Copy !req
75. Not a sweaty glow,
but, like, a glowy glow.Copy !req
76. Is this because you talked to...Copy !req
77. No, no, no. Don't say his name.Copy !req
78. - Josh?
- No.Copy !req
79. I did not talk to Josh,Copy !req
80. because Josh is done.Copy !req
81. We are done with Josh.Copy !req
82. - Okay?
- Right.Copy !req
83. Let's talk about something else.Copy !req
84. How was your weekend?Copy !req
85. Stupid.Copy !req
86. Come on, Paula.Copy !req
87. I need you to try, okay?Copy !req
88. It got chilly. Right?Copy !req
89. I had to take my sweaters
out of the space bag.Copy !req
90. Oh, my God, this is so boring!Copy !req
91. Come on.Copy !req
92. This is an apocalypse.Copy !req
93. Do I smell Paula's famous
blueberry almond pie?Copy !req
94. - Mm-hmm.
- No, Darryl,Copy !req
95. you're a judge... you'll get
plenty of pie at the contest.Copy !req
96. Judge? Contest? What?Copy !req
97. No, it's just this stupid
pie contest I do every year.Copy !req
98. It is not stupid. It's great.Copy !req
99. And I'm a judge this year.Copy !req
100. I just applied and I got in.Copy !req
101. Okay, Darryl, go away.Copy !req
102. Come on, we're talking.Copy !req
103. Yeah, well, you know
what? This is my office.Copy !req
104. I pay for you guys to be here.Copy !req
105. I think I've made my point.Copy !req
106. Paula! Oh, my God, you never
told me about a pie contest.Copy !req
107. - You're such a little liar.
- What?Copy !req
108. Yeah, according to the act of omission,Copy !req
109. - it is a lie.
- Calm down.Copy !req
110. I lose every year. There's this woman,Copy !req
111. Peggy Rose... she owns the
pie shop on East Cameron...Copy !req
112. - She always wins.
- Well, this year,Copy !req
113. you're gonna win, 'cause
I'm gonna help you.Copy !req
114. Oh, no. No, no, no. I see what this is.Copy !req
115. This isn't about pie...
You're trying to distract meCopy !req
116. from Josh... you're trying
to give us a new mission.Copy !req
117. God, this is just like that timeCopy !req
118. Scott and I decided to
have that second kid.Copy !req
119. Oh. No, it's not like that.Copy !req
120. I'm not trying to distract
you from my love life.Copy !req
121. Just one... sorry, one second.Copy !req
122. I'm sorry, just, um...Copy !req
123. Uh, you know what?Copy !req
124. I am... gonna head out right nowCopy !req
125. to the local pie supply shop...Copy !req
126. Or grocery store.Copy !req
127. Okay, to each his own.Copy !req
128. And I'm gonna getCopy !req
129. all of the baking
supplies we need to win.Copy !req
130. And don't you worry about
this, because I am on top of it,Copy !req
131. I'm all over it, I'm just covered in it.Copy !req
132. Mm, you really are awesome at that.Copy !req
133. Good call on the bathroom, by the way.Copy !req
134. - Like, really good choice.
- Thanks.Copy !req
135. I used a new app... it shows youCopy !req
136. where all the nearest
public bathrooms are.Copy !req
137. It's for people with IBS,
but it works great for us.Copy !req
138. Sorry, we couldn't go to my place.Copy !req
139. Lately my Dad's been, uh...Copy !req
140. Living there for 30 years.Copy !req
141. Yeah, yeah, and, look, I wish
we could go more to my place,Copy !req
142. but I just don't want Heather
to see you coming and going.Copy !req
143. I think it might be tacky and, you know,Copy !req
144. - complex, and-and...
- Shh, shh. Don't worry about it.Copy !req
145. This is working out great. I love it.Copy !req
146. Okay.Copy !req
147. Great.Copy !req
148. So, um...Copy !req
149. You want to text me later?Copy !req
150. Why don't you text me?Copy !req
151. Oh. I see. So you're the boss now.Copy !req
152. Yeah.Copy !req
153. Okay. Well...Copy !req
154. I will text you, then.Copy !req
155. Yeah.Copy !req
156. Oh, I'm gonna text you
just how you like itCopy !req
157. with a ton of emojis...Copy !req
158. There's gonna be, like, a pizzaCopy !req
159. and a rocket, and
you're gonna go be, like,Copy !req
160. "yeah... mmm... "Copy !req
161. Mmm...Copy !req
162. Mmm. These candles are amazing. Smell.Copy !req
163. And how cuteCopy !req
164. - are these hats?
- Mm.Copy !req
165. Ah. It is such an honor
that your sister asked meCopy !req
166. to do the gift bags for her
wedding... I can't believe it.Copy !req
167. Yeah, I'm happy you're happy, babe.Copy !req
168. I love weddings.Copy !req
169. Two people coming together,Copy !req
170. pledging their devotion
for the rest of their livesCopy !req
171. in front of all their
friends and loved ones.Copy !req
172. Yeah. That's a wedding.Copy !req
173. It is so great that this wedding can
remind us about what truly matters?Copy !req
174. We have been tested, and
now we're stronger than ever.Copy !req
175. Yeah.Copy !req
176. We know where we're headed.Copy !req
177. We know what the future is.Copy !req
178. We don't have to worry
about Rebecca anymore.Copy !req
179. Nothing and no one can
come between us ever again.Copy !req
180. Right?Copy !req
181. Okay, mama, I'm ready to bake.Copy !req
182. I got so much fun stuff!Copy !req
183. I got every single flour imaginable.Copy !req
184. I got buckwheat flour and...Copy !req
185. Spelt and almond flour...Copy !req
186. Oh, my gosh, wait.Copy !req
187. This is my favorite one.Copy !req
188. Cricket flour.Copy !req
189. Nope.Copy !req
190. Yes. It's actually highly proteinaceous.Copy !req
191. That is a word, incidentally,Copy !req
192. that I played today
in Words with Friends,Copy !req
193. and I got a ton of points for it. Ah.Copy !req
194. Which friend? Oh, it was a random play.Copy !req
195. Yeah, some girl in
Holland... uh, Goudagirl189.Copy !req
196. Are you sure?Copy !req
197. Are you sure you're just
playing with... a friend?Copy !req
198. Y-yeah. What are you talking about?Copy !req
199. Uh, then why are your...Copy !req
200. - panties in your pocket?
- What?Copy !req
201. Oh, uh-huh.Copy !req
202. Paula, okay, ew.Copy !req
203. Paula, just... okay,Copy !req
204. All right, okay,Copy !req
205. let's talk about our
boundary issues, okay?Copy !req
206. Come on, fess up... who are
you sleeping with? Come on.Copy !req
207. Okay, you know how horny I am,Copy !req
208. and I am totally on boardCopy !req
209. for some post-heartbreak gettin' down,Copy !req
210. so tell me, who is it, who is it?Copy !req
211. Who is it? Who is it?Copy !req
212. It's no one. Really, it's no one.Copy !req
213. I'm not having intercourse
with anyone. Yeah.Copy !req
214. Baby...Copy !req
215. If you are getting
your butterfly smashed,Copy !req
216. I am all for it...Copy !req
217. As long as it's not Greg.Copy !req
218. Greg? Why would you say...
Why would you even, like,Copy !req
219. - mention his name? That's weird.
- Because he'sCopy !req
220. always buzzing around you... he's, like,Copy !req
221. this sexy Italian fly, and you're, like,Copy !req
222. this old meatball in an alley.Copy !req
223. You know what? I'm not
sleeping with Greg.Copy !req
224. Good. Look, I like the guy, I really do,Copy !req
225. but he is not romance material.Copy !req
226. Okay, he is a booze hound,
he is completely shut down,Copy !req
227. and he is angry.Copy !req
228. He's kind of like
that Star Wars villain.Copy !req
229. You know, the new one, with
the, like, the really great hair?Copy !req
230. Paula, I get it. You
don't like Greg. Okay?Copy !req
231. Hey, not to mention, he is
Josh's best friend, okay?Copy !req
232. And if you sleep with
Josh's best friend,Copy !req
233. that ruins any possibility
for when you finallyCopy !req
234. come to your senses and realize
that you are meant for Josh.Copy !req
235. Okay, okay, Paula, Paula, listen.Copy !req
236. I promise...Copy !req
237. Nobody, including Greg,Copy !req
238. is smashing my butterfly.Copy !req
239. Oh, God, do it! Smash my butterfly!Copy !req
240. What?Copy !req
241. So, the butterfly metaphor.Copy !req
242. Oh... yeah,Copy !req
243. it's just a little something
I picked up on the street.Copy !req
244. Well, if we're going
with obscure metaphors,Copy !req
245. I'm right there with you.Copy !req
246. Oh, really? Lay some on me.Copy !req
247. - I don't know if you can handle it.
- I can handle anything, Serrano.Copy !req
248. I will crumble your zebra.Copy !req
249. Uh-huh.Copy !req
250. - I will sauté your giraffe.
- Oh, that's good.Copy !req
251. I will flambé your cockatoo.Copy !req
252. I like that one.Copy !req
253. - Mm-hmm.
- Oh, hold on. I got to pee.Copy !req
254. I'll be right back.Copy !req
255. Good-bye.Copy !req
256. Flambé your cockatoo.Copy !req
257. I'm funny.Copy !req
258. That took a while.Copy !req
259. - What's up?
- I, um... I'll be fine.Copy !req
260. It just burns when I pee.Copy !req
261. This has happened to me before.Copy !req
262. I think I have a UTI.Copy !req
263. Urinary tract infection.Copy !req
264. What is that?Copy !req
265. Oh, you're such a man.Copy !req
266. Okay, so a UTICopy !req
267. is an inflammationCopy !req
268. of the urethra causedCopy !req
269. by excessive amounts of
vigorous sexual activity.Copy !req
270. It also doesn't helpCopy !req
271. if a man is too, uh...Copy !req
272. Too... what?Copy !req
273. Capacious.Copy !req
274. Ooh! That's 25 points.Copy !req
275. I don't know that word.Copy !req
276. I must be dumb from all the bloodCopy !req
277. rushing towards my capacious...Copy !req
278. Okay, okay.Copy !req
279. A UTI.Copy !req
280. Huh.Copy !req
281. What? What's going on?
Why are you clapping?Copy !req
282. Like, seriously, what's happening?Copy !req
283. Okay. So it's not really a commentCopy !req
284. on the quality of the sex
as much as a lot of sexCopy !req
285. has been happening and there's justCopy !req
286. a very natural transfer of bacteriaCopy !req
287. - to my...
- Don't ruin this for me.Copy !req
288. Come on, sing with me!Copy !req
289. No, I'm not gonna do that.Copy !req
290. I'm so sorry if you have
to cancel that spin class.Copy !req
291. I'll pay the cancellation fee, because
I know a lot times you have to bookCopy !req
292. a specific bike in advance.Copy !req
293. Okay, good to know. Whoa.Copy !req
294. Oh.Copy !req
295. Okay.Copy !req
296. Well, if one good thing can
come from my searing pain,Copy !req
297. it's that it feeds your ego.Copy !req
298. Oh, I'm just being silly. I'm kidding.Copy !req
299. I'm fine. I caught it
early. I'll just takeCopy !req
300. some cranberry pills and painkillers.Copy !req
301. Great, you got this.Copy !req
302. Hey, um, I had a fun idea.Copy !req
303. I was thinking maybe I
could work remotely from...Copy !req
304. home base today. What do you...
What do you think about that?Copy !req
305. Yeah, sure. If you want.Copy !req
306. - Okay, great.
- Mwah.Copy !req
307. Okay. I'll s...Copy !req
308. I'll see you... there.Copy !req
309. Peppy Greg is weird. What's up?Copy !req
310. I don't know what you're talking about.Copy !req
311. Just a lovely day in the Cov'.Copy !req
312. Do you have one of those brain tumorsCopy !req
313. that changes your personality?Copy !req
314. Can you play the violin now?Copy !req
315. Serrano's in a good mood.Copy !req
316. Yeah.Copy !req
317. It's gross.Copy !req
318. Like, I would've never
slept with that guy.Copy !req
319. So, why do you need so
many home base bucks?Copy !req
320. Welcome bags for my sister's wedding.Copy !req
321. It's cute that you're
helping Valencia out.Copy !req
322. It's like you're an
assistant bridesmaid.Copy !req
323. But, dude, aren't you worriedCopy !req
324. that marriage is contagious?Copy !req
325. Like, Valencia's probably, like,
all up on you to propose, right?Copy !req
326. No, not really.Copy !req
327. I mean, she's not
hurrying me or anything.Copy !req
328. She respects me too much.Copy !req
329. She respects you.Copy !req
330. Good one, bro.Copy !req
331. Hey, guys.Copy !req
332. - Hey!
- Hi.Copy !req
333. - How are you?
- It's been a while. I'm...Copy !req
334. Oh, right. Yeah, I haven't
seen you in, like, forever.Copy !req
335. Yeah.Copy !req
336. Um... so...Copy !req
337. Do you want to come find
me on your next break?Copy !req
338. Yeah. You could help me in the backCopy !req
339. in the stockroom zest the porcupine.Copy !req
340. Got it. Got it. Um,
that sounds good. Yeah.Copy !req
341. You do get it. Cool.Copy !req
342. They look like they just spentCopy !req
343. three days having sex
and eating Chinese food.Copy !req
344. What are you talking about?Copy !req
345. Okay, in Psych 3, we
studied human mating signals.Copy !req
346. They just did all of them:Copy !req
347. Shrugging, eye contact, head tilting,Copy !req
348. flamingo leg.Copy !req
349. Like... yep, flamingo leg.Copy !req
350. Next step is copulation.Copy !req
351. Oh. "Copulation" means "sex."Copy !req
352. I know what "copulation" means.Copy !req
353. But you are losing it.Copy !req
354. Greg and Rebecca?Copy !req
355. But sh-she doesn't
even like Greg, you...Copy !req
356. You...Copy !req
357. Dumb-face.Copy !req
358. Whoa. Josh, pull it together, okay?Copy !req
359. I'm just stating, like,
clearly observable facts.Copy !req
360. What? No.Copy !req
361. I-I got to go, 'cause I don't
want to catch your... dumbness.Copy !req
362. I have, like, the smartest face in here.Copy !req
363. Okay, I'm gonna sit over there.
I'm gonna stand over here.Copy !req
364. Okay. Great. Okay.Copy !req
365. So, dude, you finally got
in there with Rebecca, huh?Copy !req
366. That only took six months.Copy !req
367. No, it's not like that.Copy !req
368. Yeah, it's totally like that.Copy !req
369. So, you and Greg are
totally sleeping together.Copy !req
370. No, it's not like that.Copy !req
371. Um...Copy !req
372. Yeah, it's totally like that.Copy !req
373. Heather, I'm so sorry.Copy !req
374. I've been meaning to tell you.Copy !req
375. I was gonna hand-write you a letter,Copy !req
376. and then I was gonna
seal it with a wax sealCopy !req
377. that I got in Colonial WilliamsburgCopy !req
378. when I was 12 but I've never used it.Copy !req
379. I didn't do that. I'm
so sorry. Do you hate me?Copy !req
380. No, it's cool.Copy !req
381. You just have to get married
and have eight babies.Copy !req
382. What?Copy !req
383. Well, you sleeping with my
ex hurts my feelings,Copy !req
384. but it's okay if it's love.Copy !req
385. It's the "meant to be" exemption.Copy !req
386. Like, Woody and Soon-Yi
are still together,Copy !req
387. so that, like, kind of makes it okay.Copy !req
388. Do you get what I'm saying?Copy !req
389. Um, okay.Copy !req
390. That analogy doesn't really track,Copy !req
391. 'cause Greg's not my
elderly de facto stepfatherCopy !req
392. and also, um, we're not in love.Copy !req
393. I mean, yet. I don't know.Copy !req
394. I don't know how I feel.
I don't know how he feels.Copy !req
395. Should I call him? Should
I ask him? I don't know.Copy !req
396. Oh...Copy !req
397. Wait.Copy !req
398. Wait, what's happening to me?Copy !req
399. How does he suddenly
have the upper hand?Copy !req
400. You've got the upper hand.Copy !req
401. She was jerking your chain,Copy !req
402. and now she's jerking your chain.Copy !req
403. Dude, you are bro-ing
out so hard right now.Copy !req
404. I'm just so happy for you.
You know, before, you were all,Copy !req
405. like, "please let me have it.
Please let me hold your tacoCopy !req
406. while you sleep with another guy."Copy !req
407. Okay, Hector, I get what you're saying.Copy !req
408. I've had some tough times with Rebecca,Copy !req
409. a few situationsCopy !req
410. where my status was perhapsCopy !req
411. a skosh less than hers...Copy !req
412. Exactly. But now you're
in the driver's seat,Copy !req
413. cruising down the 405,
wind blowin' in your hair,Copy !req
414. listening to Backstreet Boys.Copy !req
415. Keep it goin'.Copy !req
416. That way she can't burn you again.Copy !req
417. I don't know what's going on with me.Copy !req
418. I mean, something, something has
changed in this whole dynamic,Copy !req
419. because I am in this
bar, drinking bad coffee,Copy !req
420. just so I can be close to him?Copy !req
421. Ew, I feel so stupid.Copy !req
422. Oh, dude, don't get down on yourself.Copy !req
423. It's, like, simple biology.Copy !req
424. Okay, sex releases oxytocin,Copy !req
425. which causes the female to
imprint emotionally on the male.Copy !req
426. I got a b+ in physical science, so...Copy !req
427. By the way, how long have
you been in community college?Copy !req
428. Eight years.Copy !req
429. Rebecca, it's simple.Copy !req
430. Before sex, women have the power.Copy !req
431. After, men have it.Copy !req
432. That's a horrible thing to say.Copy !req
433. I didn't make it up.Copy !req
434. Hi.Copy !req
435. Nope. Nope.Copy !req
436. Okay, I'm a smart woman.
I have multiple degrees.Copy !req
437. So I'm not gonna do this.Copy !req
438. I'm going to go do my work back at work.Copy !req
439. Because at work, I am valued
for things like my intelligence,Copy !req
440. my skills, and my professional acumen,Copy !req
441. which I, as a smart woman, also value.Copy !req
442. So, yeah, me and my dumb
ovaries are getting out of here.Copy !req
443. Okay. I don't... I'm gonna carry it.Copy !req
444. Greg, um, I will text you later,Copy !req
445. okay? I'm gonna go.Copy !req
446. Uh, I'm gonna head out. So, uh,Copy !req
447. do you want to text me later?
Maybe I can text... I can textCopy !req
448. you later, because I don't
know how late you're... working.Copy !req
449. Damn it.Copy !req
450. Hey, Sensei, you mind if I
use the Dojo for a few minutes?Copy !req
451. What's up?Copy !req
452. Well, you ever have a friend
and another friendCopy !req
453. and then you run into
that friend and find outCopy !req
454. that the first two friends
are maybe doing stuffCopy !req
455. that friends aren't supposed
to do if they're just friends?Copy !req
456. You know?Copy !req
457. Say no more.Copy !req
458. This is exciting.Copy !req
459. Right? Isn't this great?Copy !req
460. We're gonna figure out Peggy
Rose's secret ingredient.Copy !req
461. Hmm?Copy !req
462. It's fun.Copy !req
463. We're doing some es-pie-onage.Copy !req
464. I just thought of that.Copy !req
465. That was pretty good. Hey,
you know what's even better?Copy !req
466. - What?
- My list that I put togetherCopy !req
467. of the people you could
possibly be sleeping with.Copy !req
468. Oh, come on!Copy !req
469. Order of my preference. One,
the guy from spin class.Copy !req
470. Two, your spin instructor.
Three, John Stamos.Copy !req
471. Okay, stop talking about this.
I'm not sleeping with anyone.Copy !req
472. No sexy time. I'm not...Copy !req
473. having sex... with anyone.Copy !req
474. Let's drop it and focus on pie.Copy !req
475. Oh, there she is. There's Peggy Rose.Copy !req
476. Let's follow her.Copy !req
477. Let's stalk her, let's
see what she does.Copy !req
478. No, we can't do that.
It's the middle of the day.Copy !req
479. Plus, we're not... cartoon detectives.Copy !req
480. I know.Copy !req
481. What if we came back
at night... broke in?Copy !req
482. It's a real devious plan.
You love devious plans.Copy !req
483. Eh...Copy !req
484. Only if they're about Josh.Copy !req
485. Tonight. We're gonna do it. It's a date.Copy !req
486. Mm-hmm. Moi et toi.Copy !req
487. - That's French for "me and you."
- What? Oh.Copy !req
488. Yeah. Just...Copy !req
489. Why is it still... you want... again?Copy !req
490. - Yay.
- All right.Copy !req
491. Ah, ah, ah... dude, I
wasn't finished with that.Copy !req
492. What are you in such a rush about?Copy !req
493. The bar doesn't close till
11:00 and most of the customersCopy !req
494. have an 8:00 P.M. bedtime.Copy !req
495. I'm closing early.
There's no one's here.Copy !req
496. And I'm meeting Rebecca
at her place later.Copy !req
497. She wants me there in half an hour.Copy !req
498. Oh, so, she tells you
where to go and what to do.Copy !req
499. Sounds like you're her little pet.Copy !req
500. Or shall I say, her little bitch.Copy !req
501. Oh, calm down.Copy !req
502. You're spending way too
much time with Rebecca.Copy !req
503. You're in a danger zone here, all right?Copy !req
504. You need to stay on track,
and head on down the highway.Copy !req
505. And how do I do that, Kenny Loggins?Copy !req
506. Easy. Saturday night I have a dateCopy !req
507. with a girl named Angie.Copy !req
508. She's bringing her cousin from Denver,Copy !req
509. and Angie says she's fun.Copy !req
510. What does that mean?Copy !req
511. It means she's fun. Don't be disgusting.Copy !req
512. Greg, dating other peopleCopy !req
513. is the number-one way to
maintain the upper hand.Copy !req
514. So, are you in?Copy !req
515. Honey, guess what? I am
almost done with the gift bags.Copy !req
516. I just need you to fill
28 little potpourri sachetsCopy !req
517. of cloves and lavender
and then we're done.Copy !req
518. Later. I have to take a shower.Copy !req
519. What is wrong, hon?Copy !req
520. I'm just... I'm in a bad mood.Copy !req
521. Uh...Copy !req
522. What, I can't be in a bad mood?Copy !req
523. It's like, people think,
"oh, Josh is such a nice guy,Copy !req
524. "Josh is so happy-go-lucky,
Josh can't beCopy !req
525. in a bad mood." But you know what?Copy !req
526. Josh can be in a bad mood,Copy !req
527. and right now Josh is be in a bad mood.Copy !req
528. Okay, you are being so weird.Copy !req
529. Do you want company in that shower?Copy !req
530. I'm... okay, you know,
I'm sorry, just...Copy !req
531. Not right now. Another time.Copy !req
532. Are you rejecting me?Copy !req
533. Are you turning down sex?Copy !req
534. Josh can turn down sex.Copy !req
535. And... and-and that's
what he is be doing.Copy !req
536. What is wrong with Josh?Copy !req
537. I'm here for you, my son.Copy !req
538. You're gonna have to stop calling that.Copy !req
539. We're the same age, brah.Copy !req
540. Whoa. Josh, why are you
getting so crabby, man?Copy !req
541. Is it 'cause you keep losing?Copy !req
542. You can't beat yourself up for that,Copy !req
543. because I've got Jesus on my side.Copy !req
544. All right... that's
not your piece. I'm red.Copy !req
545. Why is everyone always telling
me what to do all the time?Copy !req
546. Sorry, FB. I've been
snapping at everyone,Copy !req
547. - especially Valencia.
- Hmm.Copy !req
548. I even turned down sex.Copy !req
549. Wow.Copy !req
550. Josh, that's a big "wow" for you.Copy !req
551. I didn't even know men
were capable of doing that.Copy !req
552. Well, they... they are.Copy !req
553. - Oh, duh. I'm sorry.
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
554. Eh, it's okay, sometimes I forget, too.Copy !req
555. Can you identify
the momentCopy !req
556. that you became so upset?Copy !req
557. It was at...Copy !req
558. Home Base.Copy !req
559. Greg made me upset.Copy !req
560. Okay. In what way?Copy !req
561. He was just being a big dumb-face.Copy !req
562. Why does Rebecca like him?Copy !req
563. Why is she all buddy-buddy with him?Copy !req
564. He's just a
stupid know-it-all.Copy !req
565. He's also your best friend.Copy !req
566. Right? I mean, what did Greg
do that made you so frustratedCopy !req
567. other than... befriend Rebecca?Copy !req
568. I don't know.Copy !req
569. What do you think?Copy !req
570. Well, can I be honest?Copy !req
571. I think you're acting likeCopy !req
572. a little bitch right now.Copy !req
573. Whoa! Dude!Copy !req
574. Josh, you kissed Rebecca,
but then you chose Valencia.Copy !req
575. And now you can't let
go of Rebecca's attentionCopy !req
576. and adoration, and that's why
you're jealous of Greg, dude.Copy !req
577. And that's how you're
acting like a little bitch.Copy !req
578. Okay? If RebeccaCopy !req
579. seems happy, you got to bow out, dawg.Copy !req
580. Let it be.Copy !req
581. You're all up in someone
else's beeswax right now.Copy !req
582. It's your move.Copy !req
583. It's your checkers move.Copy !req
584. Oh, yeah. Sorry.Copy !req
585. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
586. Mmm. Oh, my God, I was so hungry.Copy !req
587. Here, have the last lettuce cup.Copy !req
588. Really?Copy !req
589. You love hand-held salads.Copy !req
590. You said that you're still
hungry and it looks delicious.Copy !req
591. And you remembered?Copy !req
592. You just said it.Copy !req
593. I know, but...Copy !req
594. You're really sweet.Copy !req
595. Like...Copy !req
596. You're just...Copy !req
597. You're the sweetest.Copy !req
598. What do you sayCopy !req
599. we break the sexual tension...Copy !req
600. With some actual sex?Copy !req
601. O... okay.Copy !req
602. - Yeah.
- Yeah?Copy !req
603. - Yeah, yeah.
- Oh, wait,Copy !req
604. how is your, um... situation?Copy !req
605. Oh, fine.Copy !req
606. Don't worry about it. Yeah.Copy !req
607. What's wrong?Copy !req
608. I got to go. I got to
break into a pie shop.Copy !req
609. What?Copy !req
610. Good-bye.Copy !req
611. Cool, see you. I'm gonna nap now.Copy !req
612. I'm here, I'm here, I'm here.Copy !req
613. You're late. I have been standingCopy !req
614. in front of this stupid
pie shop for 20 minutes.Copy !req
615. I'm so sorry.Copy !req
616. Why do you smell like spit?Copy !req
617. No I don't. It's not spit. What?Copy !req
618. Okay, I feel stupid in these outfits.Copy !req
619. No, you love our stalking outfits.Copy !req
620. You always say how slimming they are.Copy !req
621. Yeah, but we're stalking
pastry, and it's just...Copy !req
622. It's not sexy.Copy !req
623. Oh, my God, stop ruining
this. Just come on.Copy !req
624. Come on!Copy !req
625. Okay.Copy !req
626. Oh, damn it. Oh, no,
I really have to pee.Copy !req
627. Well, can't you hold it?Copy !req
628. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, of
course, I'm sorry. I...Copy !req
629. I drank a lot of water before
this because I was nervous.Copy !req
630. Uh, okay.Copy !req
631. Look at that,Copy !req
632. look at that. She's totally
adding something to the crust.Copy !req
633. Look. She is
doing something secretive.Copy !req
634. She has a secret
ingredient of some kind.Copy !req
635. I knew it, I knew it.Copy !req
636. But what is... you
think it's extra sugar?Copy !req
637. It's lard?Copy !req
638. Heroin?Copy !req
639. You never know.Copy !req
640. The second she's gone, we're going in.Copy !req
641. Okay.Copy !req
642. Oh!Copy !req
643. Okay...Copy !req
644. The coast appears to be clear.Copy !req
645. - Awesome.
- Let us retrieve the package.Copy !req
646. Okay, I will stay here
and be the lookout.Copy !req
647. Okay. Great.Copy !req
648. All right.Copy !req
649. What's... what are you doing?Copy !req
650. Rebecca, what are you doing?Copy !req
651. Just in case there are lasers.Copy !req
652. There aren't... that's so stupid.Copy !req
653. Oh, wait. I have an idea.Copy !req
654. What?Copy !req
655. Okay. Watch this.Copy !req
656. No, no.Copy !req
657. No, no, d... please don't touch the...Copy !req
658. Okay, we are good on lasers.Copy !req
659. Right. Great.Copy !req
660. I don't know.Copy !req
661. What if it's booby-trapped?Copy !req
662. It's a refrigerator.Copy !req
663. Just... open the door, Tom Cruise.Copy !req
664. You're just, like, no fun right now.Copy !req
665. All right.Copy !req
666. All right, I got it.Copy !req
667. Did you just pee yourself?Copy !req
668. I have two kids. I know that face.Copy !req
669. No, it's fine. It's
just a little squirt.Copy !req
670. My pants got most of
it. Catch this! Wait. Oh.Copy !req
671. Okay. Come on.Copy !req
672. Okay. Heee!Copy !req
673. No, you don't have to...Copy !req
674. All right, you know what?Copy !req
675. Okay.Copy !req
676. We've got the secret ingredients,Copy !req
677. - so let's figure out what it is.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.Copy !req
678. You want to Bunsen
burner that thing? Ooh.Copy !req
679. Better yet, I have a centrifuge
I bought in Colonial WilliamsburgCopy !req
680. when I was 12... I've never used it,Copy !req
681. but I brought it to West Covina.Copy !req
682. Okay, maybe... or just taste
it, just taste it. Okay.Copy !req
683. It's...Copy !req
684. Yeah, it's unsalted butter.Copy !req
685. Whoa!Copy !req
686. Is that common? I don't cook.Copy !req
687. Yeah. No, everybody uses it.Copy !req
688. She's just a better baker than me.Copy !req
689. And, you know, that's no secret.Copy !req
690. I don't know what I was thinking.Copy !req
691. It's okay.Copy !req
692. You know what? Screw this.Copy !req
693. You don't need a secret ingredient.Copy !req
694. Right? Just like we don't
need a secret ingredient.Copy !req
695. We've been having so much funCopy !req
696. without talking about you know who,Copy !req
697. and it's been amazing...Copy !req
698. Because it doesn't matter what we
do, as long as we do it together.Copy !req
699. So...Copy !req
700. Forget all I was saying about winning,Copy !req
701. and let's just have fun and bake a pie.Copy !req
702. Okay.Copy !req
703. Okay.Copy !req
704. You know, you're right. You are right.Copy !req
705. Let's do this.Copy !req
706. Yeah.Copy !req
707. Okay. Hey, boob five.Copy !req
708. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
709. - Wow, just... every time.
- Sorry, they're heavy.Copy !req
710. Hey, I had a thought.Copy !req
711. - Hmm?
- Um...Copy !req
712. I was thinking that tomorrow night...Copy !req
713. You know, before... pound time,Copy !req
714. um... I don't know, that
we could go to this drive-inCopy !req
715. in Alhambra.Copy !req
716. I-I read that they're
showing Casablanca, and...Copy !req
717. I just thought it would
be fun for you and ICopy !req
718. to spend some... you know, time togetherCopy !req
719. in an outdoor setting.Copy !req
720. Or indoors. I mean,
cars are indoors and...Copy !req
721. - You get what I'm saying?
- Yeah, sounds like a great idea.Copy !req
722. Yeah?Copy !req
723. Oh, wait, tomorrow night?Copy !req
724. Yeah, do you have work?Copy !req
725. Do you have, like, a hot date?Copy !req
726. Wait. Seriously, you do?Copy !req
727. - You do.
- Oh, well, not exactly.Copy !req
728. Hec-Hector wants me
to meet this girl...Copy !req
729. Uh-huh, and you said yes?Copy !req
730. Well I haven't said
anything either way...Copy !req
731. yet.Copy !req
732. Uh-huh.Copy !req
733. But you didn't say no right away.Copy !req
734. Given our history I thought
I should at least...Copy !req
735. considering...Copy !req
736. Yeah.Copy !req
737. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my gosh.Copy !req
738. I-I... absolutelyCopy !req
739. yes, you should go on a date.Copy !req
740. - We are not exclusive.
- Hmm.Copy !req
741. Umm, I mean totally. I
myself have like um...Copy !req
742. eight dates... lined up next week.Copy !req
743. Eight?Copy !req
744. Yeah. I got a matinee one day.Copy !req
745. I'm, like, on a, um, Broadway schedule.Copy !req
746. Oh. Okay, that's cool.Copy !req
747. Mm. Mm.Copy !req
748. So...Copy !req
749. You have a...Copy !req
750. Great date.Copy !req
751. Okay, I will.Copy !req
752. And you...Copy !req
753. Break a leg?Copy !req
754. Yeah. Cool.Copy !req
755. You know...Copy !req
756. I think this pie could
actually take the cakeCopy !req
757. First place in cake. It's weird.Copy !req
758. - Mm-hmm.
- You okay?Copy !req
759. Yeah. Sorry. Feeling a little weird.Copy !req
760. - Don't worry. I'm fine.
- Okay. Yeah.Copy !req
761. Mmm...Copy !req
762. Yup, good mouth feel.Copy !req
763. Mm-mm got a nice flaky under-crust.Copy !req
764. I'm getting lime, I'm getting cardamom,Copy !req
765. I'm getting just a note of cheddar.Copy !req
766. - Also...
- You just fill out a card, sir.Copy !req
767. Oh. Sorry.Copy !req
768. Ooh, what do weCopy !req
769. - have here?
- Ooh... lemon meringue!Copy !req
770. Sebastian.Copy !req
771. For me? Thank you.Copy !req
772. Mmm...Copy !req
773. Mmm...Copy !req
774. Oh, damn it... that
woman is a pastry witch.Copy !req
775. Ow.Copy !req
776. Do you need to sit down?Copy !req
777. No. No, no, no.Copy !req
778. I'm fine.Copy !req
779. Okay.Copy !req
780. You know, I'm so glad
we did this together.Copy !req
781. You were right about us.Copy !req
782. Yeah.Copy !req
783. Hello, ladies.Copy !req
784. I will not be greeting you by name,Copy !req
785. not will I be looking
you directly in the eyes,Copy !req
786. for I am impartial.Copy !req
787. I am so voting for you ladies.Copy !req
788. I love you guys so much.
I love you both a lot,Copy !req
789. and I love Paula's pies,
and I just feel so inspiredCopy !req
790. - Who's next?
- By your friendship every day.Copy !req
791. Judges! Yes, well, I am ready nowCopy !req
792. to sample Paula's Pretty
Pecan Pie, if I may.Copy !req
793. Sebastian, for you.Copy !req
794. - Thank you.
- Mmm...Copy !req
795. Mmm...Copy !req
796. Mmm... mmm...Copy !req
797. Oh... mmm...Copy !req
798. Oh, my God, they love it.Copy !req
799. Rebecca, they love it.Copy !req
800. Oh, my God!Copy !req
801. Honey, what's wrong?Copy !req
802. Yo, Greggy!Copy !req
803. Over here.Copy !req
804. - This is Angie.
- Nice to meet you, Greg.Copy !req
805. And this is her cousin, Brandy.Copy !req
806. Hello Brandy.Copy !req
807. Hi, Greg. I've heard a lot about you.Copy !req
808. Well, I hope it wasn't all...Copy !req
809. I'm sorry, I need to go.Copy !req
810. Nice meeting you.Copy !req
811. B-bro, so rude.Copy !req
812. Is it Rebecca?Copy !req
813. I'm sorry. She needs me.Copy !req
814. Dude. If you go now, you're done.Copy !req
815. You'll never get the upper hand again.Copy !req
816. Well, I guess we'll just
have to have a threesome.Copy !req
817. Really?Copy !req
818. No. She's my cousin.Copy !req
819. Gross. Ew.Copy !req
820. Everything's gonna be okay, cookie.Copy !req
821. I am right here.Copy !req
822. Oh! And I forgot to tell you we won!Copy !req
823. Yeah. Just as they were
dragging your little body away,Copy !req
824. they-they announced...Copy !req
825. Paula's Pretty Pecan Pie won!Copy !req
826. Oh, my poor, sweet,
innocent little thing, Wha...Copy !req
827. What happened to you?Copy !req
828. What are you doing here?Copy !req
829. Rebecca texted me. Is she okay?Copy !req
830. I'm-I'm waiting for the
doctor. Why'd she text you?Copy !req
831. Paula, I came as soon
as I got your text.Copy !req
832. Ah, you told Josh to come.Copy !req
833. - That makes sense.
- Wh-what's wrong with her?Copy !req
834. Is she okay?Copy !req
835. Doctor, what's wrong with my cookie?Copy !req
836. I don't know what's wrong with your
cookie, but hers is a mess.Copy !req
837. I'm sorry, that was inappropriate.Copy !req
838. It's her pee-hole that's been destroyed.Copy !req
839. What?Copy !req
840. She has a UTI and didn't take any meds,Copy !req
841. so the infection went
to her kidneys and...Copy !req
842. Man down!Copy !req
843. You're a colorful doctor.Copy !req
844. Thank you. I am taking standup
classes at Claremont at nightCopy !req
845. when my wife is working.Copy !req
846. I'm pretty alone at night.Copy !req
847. A UTI.Copy !req
848. So you are sleeping
with someone. I knew it!Copy !req
849. And after you specificallyCopy !req
850. swore that you weren't!Copy !req
851. God, we don't keep secrets!Copy !req
852. They have boundary issues.Copy !req
853. Hey, we don't keep secrets,Copy !req
854. and we don't lie to each other, okay?Copy !req
855. We've discussed it, and we don't do it.Copy !req
856. Sleeping with someone? Who
is Rebecca sleeping with?Copy !req
857. Yeah! That's what I would like to know.Copy !req
858. Uh, I sense a truth bomb coming.Copy !req
859. Everyone take cover.Copy !req
860. Uh, yeah, it's me.Copy !req
861. No.Copy !req
862. Yeah.Copy !req
863. No.Copy !req
864. No, it can't be you.Copy !req
865. It's definitely me.Copy !req
866. It's not you. She told me it wasn't you.Copy !req
867. It can't be you.Copy !req
868. - You're sleeping with Rebecca?
- All the time. A lot.Copy !req
869. It's Greg? It's Greg?
You're sleeping with Greg?Copy !req
870. Rebecca?Copy !req
871. How could you?Copy !req
872. Lot of differences
between men and women.Copy !req
873. Lot of differences, lot of differences.Copy !req
874. As a doctor, I notice
a lot of differences,Copy !req
875. a lot of differences.Copy !req
876. Hey, you ever notice how
when a male patient dies,Copy !req
877. he's all like...Copy !req
878. But when a female patient dies,Copy !req
879. she's like, “beep, beep, beep!”Copy !req