1. Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...Copy !req
2. Let's delve into your childhood.Copy !req
3. Oh, I was afraid you'd say that.Copy !req
4. - I used to like her.
- You still do.Copy !req
5. I don't want to be your back-up plan.Copy !req
6. I am bi-sexual!Copy !req
7. I'm going for drinks with this gay manCopy !req
8. whom I have a crush on.Copy !req
9. This could be the biggest
case the county's ever seen.Copy !req
10. I must find in favor of the
defendants... Greater City Water.Copy !req
11. I'm from the metro desk at the paper.Copy !req
12. This should help get you started.Copy !req
13. These are e-mails that clearlyCopy !req
14. expose a cover-up.Copy !req
15. You tried really hard today.Copy !req
16. I wanted you to be proud of me.Copy !req
17. I didn't know you thought
about me that much.Copy !req
18. That's a sexist term.Copy !req
19. Can you guys stop
singing for just a second?Copy !req
20. The situation's a lot
more nuanced than that.Copy !req
21. Okay! We get it!Copy !req
22. — Synced and corrected by ChrisKe —
— www.addic7ed.com —Copy !req
23. Okay...Copy !req
24. What happened?Copy !req
25. Dude, bro, what happened?Copy !req
26. God, it was such a magical kiss.Copy !req
27. Oh, my gosh, it transported
me to a different world,Copy !req
28. Like where they shoot the
fun parts of Game of Thrones.Copy !req
29. Okay, so, so why are you at
my house? I mean, I watched itCopy !req
30. happen, and I took off, 'cause I figuredCopy !req
31. you two would be having
stand-up sex in the showerCopy !req
32. of a very nice
bed-and-breakfast by now.Copy !req
33. I don't... I don't know.Copy !req
34. Uh, he just bailed. He
said he had to go somewhere.Copy !req
35. I don't know where he
is or what he's thinking.Copy !req
36. After the kiss, I just bailed.Copy !req
37. I'm riddled with guilt.Copy !req
38. It's killing me!Copy !req
39. I'm in a committed relationship, FB.Copy !req
40. I live with Valencia.Copy !req
41. What do I do?Copy !req
42. Bro, do you remember,
in the second grade,Copy !req
43. when we had that class bunny, Carrots?Copy !req
44. Um... yeah?Copy !req
45. Okay, yeah, well, when it was
my week to take care of her,Copy !req
46. I, um... I accidentally
dropped her in the toilet.Copy !req
47. And, uh, I freaked out
so much that I panicked,Copy !req
48. and then, I flushed.Copy !req
49. But, uh, you know,Copy !req
50. her baby bunny body...Copy !req
51. just clogged that toilet up.Copy !req
52. Um, and then, here comes my dadCopy !req
53. with the plunger, and
then up comes the corpse.Copy !req
54. So, I told everybodyCopy !req
55. that my brother Eric did it.Copy !req
56. He was only four years old, you know,Copy !req
57. so, like, everybody believed me.Copy !req
58. It was so easy. It...Copy !req
59. It was the perfect crime.Copy !req
60. Yeah.Copy !req
61. I blamed my baby brother
for that baby bunny body.Copy !req
62. Dude, are you stoned right now?Copy !req
63. Yeah.Copy !req
64. Oh, bro...Copy !req
65. I got a bad back. It's awesome.Copy !req
66. Listen, Josh, would you
just focus for a second?Copy !req
67. I was consumed by
guilt for years becauseCopy !req
68. that was the first step in
my baby brother becoming,Copy !req
69. like, a hardcore
heroin addict, you know?Copy !req
70. And then one day, I realizedCopy !req
71. I had to ask for forgiveness.Copy !req
72. And that was hard...Copy !req
73. because that cult was on an island.Copy !req
74. But I did it, I found
him, and I confessed,Copy !req
75. and much like the Madonna...Copy !req
76. He forgave me.Copy !req
77. And that's why I'm a priest, man.Copy !req
78. Go to the person you have
wronged, my son, my brah.Copy !req
79. Perhaps they will forgive.Copy !req
80. Dude, we're talking about Valencia.Copy !req
81. Mm... Yeah, you're screwed.Copy !req
82. Sorry.Copy !req
83. We have to celebrate. Your first kiss!Copy !req
84. I think I have...Copy !req
85. sparkling apple cider somewh... aha!Copy !req
86. Expires... 2012.Copy !req
87. Perfect. Should be alcohol by now.Copy !req
88. This...Copy !req
89. is my favorite part
of a romantic comedy.Copy !req
90. It's like you're Kate Hudson,
and Josh is this British actorCopy !req
91. that, like, no one's ever
heard of, but is super cute,Copy !req
92. and Valencia is the skinny bitchCopy !req
93. who ends up getting
just what she deserves.Copy !req
94. I kind of saw it as fairy taleCopy !req
95. where I'm the spunky princess,Copy !req
96. Josh is the handsome prince
who gets turned into a stone,Copy !req
97. and Valencia is the witch who
turned him into that stone.Copy !req
98. You have put a lot of thought
into this narrative.Copy !req
99. I have.Copy !req
100. Hmm. Oh!Copy !req
101. Crap. Hold on.Copy !req
102. Hi, Dr. Akopian.Copy !req
103. Okay, yes, I'm aware we
have an appointment tonight,Copy !req
104. and I have to cancel.Copy !req
105. I know there's a cancellation fee.Copy !req
106. I will pay it, I will reschedule.Copy !req
107. I'm so sorry. Bye. Have a good night.Copy !req
108. Ew. I feel bad.Copy !req
109. I keep canceling with my shrink.Copy !req
110. I just don't have any time.Copy !req
111. God knows why you have a
shrink in the first placeCopy !req
112. when you have me. I
give such great advice.Copy !req
113. Now let's drink this
old expired apple juice.Copy !req
114. Paula, it's weird; I haven't heardCopy !req
115. anything from Josh.Copy !req
116. Maybe I'll call him just once,Copy !req
117. or, like, send him, like, a flirty text.Copy !req
118. No. No. Oh, God, God, no.Copy !req
119. Have you never seen a
two-and-half star movie?Copy !req
120. Right now, he has to come to you.Copy !req
121. The most important thing
is that you don't call,Copy !req
122. you don't e-mail, you
don't reach out in any way.Copy !req
123. Okay, fine.Copy !req
124. - I have a lot of work to do anyway.
- Good. Cheers.Copy !req
125. “Client agrees to keep the landCopy !req
126. in accordance with all policy... ”Copy !req
127. "Client agre..." Bored!Copy !req
128. Oh, boy.Copy !req
129. This is a dilemma.Copy !req
130. Josh loves red pandas
so much, and this one...Copy !req
131. I mean, if I don't send
it, it's almost mean.Copy !req
132. You know, I think evenCopy !req
133. Paula would understand. I
have to send this to him.Copy !req
134. Oh, what am I talking
about? I shouldn't.Copy !req
135. He's probably already seen it!Copy !req
136. Because everyone knows
he likes red pandas.Copy !req
137. You know, and he's probably
gotten this photo a lot.Copy !req
138. Aah! What if he hasn't?Copy !req
139. Oh, and it's the cutest one.Copy !req
140. Then I'm the jerk. Then it's on me.Copy !req
141. Maybe I'll print it out
and mail it anonymously?Copy !req
142. I gotta stop. I gotta stop.Copy !req
143. I have to think about
something besides...Copy !req
144. Rebecca?Copy !req
145. It's Josh!Copy !req
146. Oh, my God, it worked.Copy !req
147. I'm coming! I'm coming!Copy !req
148. Yup!Copy !req
149. Do you have a minute?Copy !req
150. I feel overdressed.Copy !req
151. Those pajamas are cute.Copy !req
152. I like the little... sushi on 'em.Copy !req
153. Oh.Copy !req
154. Arigato.Copy !req
155. Oh.Copy !req
156. It's...Copy !req
157. Oh... So, look, uh, we have
to talk about that kiss.Copy !req
158. Yes, yes. Yes, we do.Copy !req
159. I...Copy !req
160. Yes. I...Copy !req
161. can't stop thinking about it.Copy !req
162. - Me, neither.
- I mean, it was...Copy !req
163. Yeah, no. It-it was.Copy !req
164. Rebecca, I feel something for you.Copy !req
165. Oh, my God, yes, yes. Wow.Copy !req
166. We obviously have some
kind of connection.Copy !req
167. No, we absolutely have a
connection, Josh, and I feel...Copy !req
168. Aah! I feel so many things.Copy !req
169. But kissing you was wrong.Copy !req
170. Sorry. What?Copy !req
171. I have a girlfriend,
you have a boyfriend.Copy !req
172. Who? Oh, uh, no.Copy !req
173. No, no, no, no, no. We-we broke up.Copy !req
174. Wait. Trent? Tonight? Because of me?Copy !req
175. No. He's tall. He... It
doesn't matter. He's dead.Copy !req
176. Just don't think about
him. Keep talking.Copy !req
177. But I-I shouldn't have cheated. I...Copy !req
178. Now there's only one thing to do.Copy !req
179. Follow your heart... ?Copy !req
180. I have to tell Valencia.Copy !req
181. And if I tell her, she's definitelyCopy !req
182. gonna break up with
me, like, definitely.Copy !req
183. She will?Copy !req
184. Our kiss will end
everything between me and V.Copy !req
185. Well, uh, that's, uh...Copy !req
186. You know, that's terribly sad.Copy !req
187. Telling her is the right thing to do.Copy !req
188. Even if it means
ending the relationship.Copy !req
189. Wow.Copy !req
190. So, uh, so then...
so then, what happens?Copy !req
191. Oh, well, then I go to Hawaii.Copy !req
192. What?Copy !req
193. Hector's in a surf competition, and
some of us are coming along.Copy !req
194. Oh, thank God.Copy !req
195. The drama happens, then I get to justCopy !req
196. get away for a while, hop on
flight 425 to Maui on Thursday.Copy !req
197. Then I'll be in Hawaii justCopy !req
198. watching the sunset,
wondering about the future.Copy !req
199. Right, um...Copy !req
200. your future.Copy !req
201. I'm sorry, Rebecca.Copy !req
202. I, I-I shouldn't have
done what I did, any of it.Copy !req
203. I shouldn't have... grabbed you,Copy !req
204. or squeezed you, or...Copy !req
205. put my hand on the nape of your neck,Copy !req
206. or run it through your hair.Copy !req
207. What else? What else did you do?Copy !req
208. I-I have to go.Copy !req
209. What happens next?Copy !req
210. What happens next in-in
your stupid movies?Copy !req
211. Uh, I think it's obvious.Copy !req
212. You go bikini shopping
and try on floppy hats.Copy !req
213. Why?Copy !req
214. Because you're going
to Hawaii, you idiot!Copy !req
215. Ladies, hey, you two chatty Cathys.Copy !req
216. It's time for the staff meeting.Copy !req
217. Okay, hold on, Darryl. Darryl...Copy !req
218. God. Rebecca, listen,Copy !req
219. you are at the grand gesture moment.Copy !req
220. It is the best part of any Rom com.Copy !req
221. Okay, it's the... it's the...Copy !req
222. get up on stage and sing the song,Copy !req
223. and-and run through the rainCopy !req
224. and show up and object at the wedding,Copy !req
225. and-and... and race to the airportCopy !req
226. before he leaves for Kazakhstan.Copy !req
227. Wait. No, he's going to Hawaii.Copy !req
228. Rebecca, go to your office,Copy !req
229. get a ticket on that flight right now.Copy !req
230. I don't know... are you
sure this is a good idea?Copy !req
231. Yes, I know these things.Copy !req
232. I am your funny best friend
with all the answers, okay?Copy !req
233. I'm your Judy Greer, your
Rosie O'Donnell, your-your...Copy !req
234. - your Joan Cusack.
- You know what?Copy !req
235. In my narrative, I'd picture youCopy !req
236. as, like, the funny singing raccoon.Copy !req
237. - Of course you did.
- That's not an insult.Copy !req
238. You have the breakout
song of the whole movie.Copy !req
239. Just go get the ticket!Copy !req
240. Okay, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it!Copy !req
241. You know what? As the kids say,Copy !req
242. I'm gonna YOLO before I FOMO.Copy !req
243. - Is that yogurt? What is that?
- I saw it on a meme.Copy !req
244. I have no idea what that...Copy !req
245. Nor do I care. Go get the ticket.Copy !req
246. Hi, honey.Copy !req
247. Nothing's wrong. What?Copy !req
248. You've been
acting all weird today.Copy !req
249. What's wrong?Copy !req
250. I-I-I
don't knowCopy !req
251. what you're talking about.Copy !req
252. You already worked out this morning,Copy !req
253. and now you're going to the gym again?Copy !req
254. A man can't go to
CrossFit for six hours?Copy !req
255. Big things are happening there.Copy !req
256. We're doing the Murph today.Copy !req
257. Okay.Copy !req
258. Actually, um,Copy !req
259. there is something I wantedCopy !req
260. to talk to you about. Maybe we should...Copy !req
261. talk after your evening class.Copy !req
262. Oh, honey, I'm gonna be late tonight.Copy !req
263. I'm doing that cryotherapy thing.Copy !req
264. We'll talk about it tomorrow, then.Copy !req
265. That's even better. Good!Copy !req
266. That's even better. Good!Copy !req
267. No kiss?Copy !req
268. Hmm.Copy !req
269. I wonder what's going on.Copy !req
270. Okay, people...Copy !req
271. no beating around the bush.Copy !req
272. Let's get to why we're here.Copy !req
273. Um, hi, everyone.Copy !req
274. Uh, since this is my
first staff meeting,Copy !req
275. I thought I'd give
everybody a big hello.Copy !req
276. My name is Maya.Copy !req
277. I'm the new administrative assistant.Copy !req
278. And a little about me...Copy !req
279. Um, I love online shopping
and kale salads and...Copy !req
280. Maya, this is not the time.Copy !req
281. This is not about you.Copy !req
282. Okay?Copy !req
283. Please.Copy !req
284. Is everybody on board? Great.Copy !req
285. I want you all to
listen really hard now.Copy !req
286. I mean, really listen.Copy !req
287. Like, with both your ears.Copy !req
288. Okay, Darryl, spit it out.Copy !req
289. Okay, well I'm sure you've noticedCopy !req
290. that I've been going
through a lot lately.Copy !req
291. And I know you've often wondered:Copy !req
292. “Who is Daryl, really?”Copy !req
293. Nope, never.Copy !req
294. Darryl, until February,Copy !req
295. I thought your name was Jasper.Copy !req
296. Okay, pre-purchase Wi-Fi
to save seven dollars, yes.Copy !req
297. Dietary restrictions.Copy !req
298. You betcha.Copy !req
299. You know,Copy !req
300. there are times when I
look out these windows,Copy !req
301. and I know you're all thinking,Copy !req
302. “What makes the
measure of this man?”Copy !req
303. Oh, my God, you'd better be dying!Copy !req
304. Look, I called you all hereCopy !req
305. to tell you,Copy !req
306. with pride and excitement...Copy !req
307. and a lot of pride,Copy !req
308. about the new and improved
Darryl C. Whitefeather.Copy !req
309. Jim, give me a beat.Copy !req
310. Sorry, what?Copy !req
311. When somebody asks for a
beat you just, you don't askCopy !req
312. a lot of questions.
You just get down on it.Copy !req
313. Oh, you want, like, a syncopated
thing or, like, a vibey thing?Copy !req
314. Just do it. Hmm?Copy !req
315. Please make him stop.Copy !req
316. Any questions?Copy !req
317. Oh, come on. You guys aren't weirded outCopy !req
318. because I'm bisexual, are you?Copy !req
319. No, we're weirded out
by the fact that our bossCopy !req
320. just called a meeting to tell us that.Copy !req
321. Um...Copy !req
322. Hi, everyone, again.Copy !req
323. I know that this isCopy !req
324. a little personal for
my first week here,Copy !req
325. but I'm also bisexual,Copy !req
326. and I am so glad that
this office is so open...Copy !req
327. Does anyone else have
any other questionsCopy !req
328. besides Maya, who seems
to think that every meetingCopy !req
329. is about her for some reason?Copy !req
330. Jim.Copy !req
331. Are you sure you're not just gay?Copy !req
332. Oh, my God.Copy !req
333. Did you not hear what I said?Copy !req
334. Come on!Copy !req
335. Guys, this is important.Copy !req
336. Are there any other questions?Copy !req
337. Whoa.Copy !req
338. This is weird.Copy !req
339. Hey, guys, look at this.Copy !req
340. I don't believe it.Copy !req
341. Bunch is some kind of hero.Copy !req
342. Oh, my God!Copy !req
343. This is perfect.Copy !req
344. Now she can lip-sync on a parade float!Copy !req
345. So, we're moving on from my stuff, then.Copy !req
346. Cool.Copy !req
347. Wow, you are really
having the best day ever!Copy !req
348. You know that evidence
you gave to the reporter?Copy !req
349. It's touched off a landslide.Copy !req
350. Have you seen this?Copy !req
351. What's wrong?Copy !req
352. Um, okay, uh, what's wrongCopy !req
353. is I was trying to buy
the ticket for Hawaii,Copy !req
354. and so I triedCopy !req
355. all of my credit cards,Copy !req
356. and then I tried my debit card,Copy !req
357. and then I checked my bank account...Copy !req
358. Which according to the welcome screen,Copy !req
359. I haven't done since
2011... And now I'm seeingCopy !req
360. my balance, and, Paula,
guess what's in there. Guess.Copy !req
361. It's a negative number,
Paula. It's negative a lot.Copy !req
362. Holy Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Paula.Copy !req
363. Am I broke?Copy !req
364. How could you be broke?Copy !req
365. You're rich.Copy !req
366. That's what I thought.Copy !req
367. Yo, Bunch.Copy !req
368. Guy from the Mayor's
Office is here for you.Copy !req
369. It's the mayor.Copy !req
370. He wants to give you the
key to the city or something.Copy !req
371. Uh, yeah, okay.Copy !req
372. I'll be right there.Copy !req
373. Okay.Copy !req
374. I don't understand this.Copy !req
375. How am I broke? I can't be broke.Copy !req
376. I mean, all right,
sure, since I moved here,Copy !req
377. maybe I've spent a little
money here and there.Copy !req
378. So I got this treadmill desk.Copy !req
379. That was, like, $2,000 mistake?Copy !req
380. I pledge $1,000.Copy !req
381. And it's really fine.Copy !req
382. - I-I-I got it.
- Good thing the drinks are free.Copy !req
383. Here you go.Copy !req
384. I'm gonna go to the
bank, withdraw $10,000Copy !req
385. and plant it in your wife's suitcase.Copy !req
386. Well, you had a huge salary in New York.Copy !req
387. What about your savings?Copy !req
388. I never worried about saving.Copy !req
389. You know what, I keep
forgetting that you are so smartCopy !req
390. and so not smart!Copy !req
391. I just never had to think about money.Copy !req
392. You don't think about money.Copy !req
393. Wow, that must free up some time.Copy !req
394. Paula?Copy !req
395. I can't go. There's no
running to Kazakhstan.Copy !req
396. - Hawaii is out.
- What?Copy !req
397. No. Okay, Rebecca, let me
explain something to you.Copy !req
398. You have a window,Copy !req
399. and that window is Hawaii!Copy !req
400. I can't afford to go
to Hawaii right now.Copy !req
401. I can't even afford to
buy a pack of Skittles!Copy !req
402. Okay, look, I would give you the money,Copy !req
403. but I don't have any money.Copy !req
404. Rebecca.Copy !req
405. The mayor doesn't have all day.Copy !req
406. Or maybe he does.
Yeah, he probably does.Copy !req
407. But he's out here.Copy !req
408. Here she is right now.Copy !req
409. Rebecca.Copy !req
410. You are an inspiration, a model citizen,Copy !req
411. and we would be thrilled to
give you the key to the city.Copy !req
412. Oh, wow.Copy !req
413. That, what, that's great.Copy !req
414. Key to the city.Copy !req
415. Uh, question, is there a cash prizeCopy !req
416. associated with that?Copy !req
417. No.Copy !req
418. Sorry, okay.Copy !req
419. I don't know how things work.Copy !req
420. She's looking sharp in that suit.Copy !req
421. It really highlights her brains
and tactical thinking skills.Copy !req
422. Is she still single?Copy !req
423. Who cares? Who knows?Copy !req
424. I don't even think about that anymore.Copy !req
425. Why not? Didn't you go all the way to LACopy !req
426. just to tell her you dig her?Copy !req
427. Yes, I did, Chris.Copy !req
428. And it did not work out.Copy !req
429. 'Cause life isn't a
two-and-a-half-star movie.Copy !req
430. I made a grand gesture,Copy !req
431. I made a fool out of myself,Copy !req
432. cause that's what happens when
you emulate stupid rom-come.Copy !req
433. So you and Heather
split up for no reason?Copy !req
434. Ouch.Copy !req
435. And now you have to work together?Copy !req
436. I might take my root beer to go.Copy !req
437. It's gonna be a bloodbath
when she shows up.Copy !req
438. What? No.Copy !req
439. There's not gonna be any drama.Copy !req
440. She broke up with me.Copy !req
441. Besides, Heather is chill,Copy !req
442. mature, tattooed.Copy !req
443. She's gonna be totally cool about it.Copy !req
444. Hit the deck.Copy !req
445. Hey, dude.Copy !req
446. 'Sup, girl?Copy !req
447. See?Copy !req
448. That's how two adults
handle the post-breakup.Copy !req
449. Watch and learn.Copy !req
450. Okay, Mom.Copy !req
451. Love you. Bye.Copy !req
452. What was that?Copy !req
453. I don't know if she's
having a stroke or something,Copy !req
454. but... she said she saw the
articles about me online,Copy !req
455. and she loves me.Copy !req
456. And she's proud of me.Copy !req
457. - Oh!
- And she's sending me a present.Copy !req
458. Yay.Copy !req
459. I mean, it's probably rugelach.Copy !req
460. Gesundheit.Copy !req
461. - Come on, you know what rugelach is.
- Nope.Copy !req
462. - What?
- No, what is it?Copy !req
463. It's amazing. It's, like, a dessert.Copy !req
464. - Oh, all right.
- Anyway,Copy !req
465. I mean, she's not gonna be proud of meCopy !req
466. now that I'm a pauper.Copy !req
467. Okay, you're gonna get a
paycheck next week, right?Copy !req
468. I get a paycheck next
week? Wait, for how much?Copy !req
469. You don't know how much you earn?Copy !req
470. I'm a lawyer, not an accountant.Copy !req
471. - Oh...
- Everyone.Copy !req
472. There's a carCopy !req
473. right outside the office,Copy !req
474. and it's being repossessed.Copy !req
475. They're towing it right now.Copy !req
476. Does anyone here ownCopy !req
477. a 2015 Hyundai Sonata?Copy !req
478. No!Copy !req
479. Oh, my God!Copy !req
480. Oh, my God, I can't watch.Copy !req
481. I can't watch. I can't watch.Copy !req
482. My poor little Hyundai.Copy !req
483. Oh, my gosh, with its roomy
interior and sporty feel.Copy !req
484. Did you pay your lease?Copy !req
485. I mean, my lease is
set to auto-pay, but...Copy !req
486. You didn't pay your lease.Copy !req
487. You know what, unless
you have a time machine,Copy !req
488. comments like that
aren't helpful right now.Copy !req
489. What do I do?Copy !req
490. Uh, maybe I can sell the car.Copy !req
491. Wait.Copy !req
492. What? Do I not own my car?Copy !req
493. Do I not own my car anymore?Copy !req
494. Paula?Copy !req
495. Paula?Copy !req
496. Paula? Paula?Copy !req
497. Miss? Miss?Copy !req
498. Miss, can you help me?Copy !req
499. I ordered a vodka a while ago.Copy !req
500. Okay, well, you made me lose count,Copy !req
501. so now I have to start over. Thanks.Copy !req
502. Uh, I'll count them for you.Copy !req
503. Just make me a drink?Copy !req
504. Hey.Copy !req
505. How's it going over here?Copy !req
506. I'm just touching all the cherries.Copy !req
507. They feel like eyeballs.Copy !req
508. It's so slow here today.Copy !req
509. I have, like, nothing to do.Copy !req
510. This is nice.Copy !req
511. Us being cool,
working side-by-side.Copy !req
512. Yep.Copy !req
513. A lot of people would think
this would be awkward between usCopy !req
514. because we used to...Copy !req
515. You know what we used too.Copy !req
516. But it's totally fine.Copy !req
517. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
518. Besides, it's not like we
were, like, serious or anything.Copy !req
519. We were just having fun, right?Copy !req
520. Yeah.Copy !req
521. Yeah.Copy !req
522. So what happened with you and Rebecca?Copy !req
523. Oh, it's...Copy !req
524. Didn't work out, but...Copy !req
525. Cool.Copy !req
526. Cool.Copy !req
527. Well, you'll get her someday.Copy !req
528. Rooting for you.Copy !req
529. Yeah.Copy !req
530. See? That wasn't awkward at all.Copy !req
531. Chris?Copy !req
532. It's a little awkward.Copy !req
533. I'll get it. I'm gonna get it.Copy !req
534. Mmm. That's good.Copy !req
535. Whoops.Copy !req
536. This place is nice.Copy !req
537. I've never been to a place where
they give you your own jacket.Copy !req
538. Do I get to keep this?Copy !req
539. No.Copy !req
540. - No?
- So listen...Copy !req
541. I told everyone at work
about my new situation,Copy !req
542. and they were all very excited.Copy !req
543. - That's great.
- To meet you.Copy !req
544. - Really?
- Mm-hmm...Copy !req
545. - You want me to meet your coworkers?
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
546. You know, that's not a stage
in anyone's relationship.Copy !req
547. Oh, what are you talking about?
It'd just be something informal.Copy !req
548. Just, like, a little dinner party.Copy !req
549. Uh, honestly, it'll be, like,
what, seven courses, tops.Copy !req
550. Look, Darryl, I am really
happy for you coming out,Copy !req
551. but I think you need to relax, kind of.Copy !req
552. Relax? I... I am relaxed.Copy !req
553. Why would you think
that I'm not relaxed?Copy !req
554. Uh, well, this is
kind of our first date,Copy !req
555. and this is the restaurant
where my parents cameCopy !req
556. for their silver wedding anniversary.Copy !req
557. I think we can just hang
out, you know? No strings.Copy !req
558. Maybe go someplace
that's flip-flop friendly.Copy !req
559. - No strings.
- Mm.Copy !req
560. Does that mean you're
dating other people?Copy !req
561. Well, I'm... I'm not
not dating other people.Copy !req
562. Double negatives always stress me out.Copy !req
563. I don't know what that means.Copy !req
564. Okay, okay, I'm sorry.Copy !req
565. I... I just think we should actCopy !req
566. like two normal people
who have kissed twice.Copy !req
567. You know, you can do a little exploring,Copy !req
568. get on a dating Web site or something,Copy !req
569. see what else is out there.Copy !req
570. Okay. Okay.Copy !req
571. I feel so much more
relaxed now. Thank you.Copy !req
572. May I?Copy !req
573. Anyway, I just really
need money right now.Copy !req
574. I'll give you ten.Copy !req
575. Ten thousand?Copy !req
576. Oh, my gosh, that's amazing.Copy !req
577. You won't be sorry. The
guy at the store saidCopy !req
578. it had, like, smart
cushioning or some...Copy !req
579. No, ten dollarsCopy !req
580. And if you lie down naked on
it, I'll give you an extra 25.Copy !req
581. I don't even need to
be here, I'll step out.Copy !req
582. I just need to know that it happened.Copy !req
583. Okay, buddy, just leave. Get out.Copy !req
584. And come back in a minute.Copy !req
585. Being naked's not a problem for me.Copy !req
586. Well, at least I still
have the rugelach from Mom.Copy !req
587. Hmm?Copy !req
588. No.Copy !req
589. The Garfinkel ring.Copy !req
590. I think my mom is about to give me...Copy !req
591. the Garfinkel ring.Copy !req
592. It's been passed down in
my family for generations.Copy !req
593. So how much you
think I can get for this?Copy !req
594. Oh, also I should
mention that it was usedCopy !req
595. in conjunction with an oxCopy !req
596. to purchase my
great-great-grandmother.Copy !req
597. Yeah.Copy !req
598. Oh, and just so you know,
I'm gonna come back for it.Copy !req
599. I'm only selling this to
you for a couple weeks.Copy !req
600. Yeah, sure, great.Copy !req
601. I hear that all the time.Copy !req
602. So what is it, huh? What is it?Copy !req
603. I mean, what's a pretty showered
girl like you doing here?Copy !req
604. It's nothing shady.Copy !req
605. I'm just trying to go to Hawaii
with someone else's boyfriend.Copy !req
606. That came out wrong.
They're breaking up.Copy !req
607. It's a long story.Copy !req
608. All's fair in love and war.Copy !req
609. But there a casualties in both.Copy !req
610. Wow, thank you, Confucius.Copy !req
611. Give me the cheddar.Copy !req
612. Good luck, princess.Copy !req
613. Thank you.Copy !req
614. I am a princess.Copy !req
615. And I'm also Kate Hudson.Copy !req
616. Paula and I didn't settle on a metaphor.Copy !req
617. Never mind. You don't know Paula.Copy !req
618. I'll be back for that.Copy !req
619. No. No, you won't.Copy !req
620. I'll be back after Hawaii.Copy !req
621. Ooh.Copy !req
622. I'm gonna get doughnuts
at the Chinese place.Copy !req
623. Yeah.Copy !req
624. Mom, Mom, this is so exciting.Copy !req
625. I am so excited.Copy !req
626. I think it's finally gonna happen.Copy !req
627. 'Cause Joshy told meCopy !req
628. that we were gonna
have a big talk tonight.Copy !req
629. I think he's gonna propose, Mom.Copy !req
630. I'm so excited.Copy !req
631. Ugh, I'm so relieved.Copy !req
632. I've been getting worried
that something was going on,Copy !req
633. but now I realize that
he was just acting nervousCopy !req
634. because he was buying me a ring.Copy !req
635. Yeah, Joshy knows that I
have engagement rings on holdCopy !req
636. in every jewelry store in town,Copy !req
637. so I know he'll get the right one.Copy !req
638. Josh and I are finally getting engaged!Copy !req
639. I'm gonna celebrateCopy !req
640. by smelling the doughnuts
at the Chinese place.Copy !req
641. Okay. Love me more. Bye.Copy !req
642. God, what have I done?Copy !req
643. Okay, you want these
shoes or these shoesCopy !req
644. for the key ceremony?Copy !req
645. Paula, did you hear what I just said?Copy !req
646. Valencia thinks she's
gonna get proposed to.Copy !req
647. And instead she's gonna find
out that she got cheated on.Copy !req
648. Um, suddenly I don't feel so good.Copy !req
649. Well, I told you not to get
doughnuts at the Chinese place.Copy !req
650. - It's not that.
- Okay, look.Copy !req
651. She is not right for him.Copy !req
652. You know this.Copy !req
653. She is mean to him.
She doesn't respect him.Copy !req
654. She treats him terribly.Copy !req
655. Yeah, but they've been
together a long time.Copy !req
656. Yeah, too long.Copy !req
657. Long enough.Copy !req
658. Okay, you have nothing
to feel badly about, okay?Copy !req
659. He kissed you.Copy !req
660. He is clearly unhappy.Copy !req
661. If you put it in your
fairy tale metaphor,Copy !req
662. this is the part where the
funny singing raccoon comes alongCopy !req
663. and says, “You're the princess,Copy !req
664. and you get to rescue the
prince from the tower.”Copy !req
665. You're right. You're right.Copy !req
666. - Thank you.
- You're right.Copy !req
667. It's not a good relationship.Copy !req
668. So, put some shoes on.Copy !req
669. Let's go.Copy !req
670. I... I gotta text Josh.Copy !req
671. And I gotta tell him
not to tell Valencia.Copy !req
672. It's just the right thing to do.Copy !req
673. What? Are you insane?Copy !req
674. Give me that.Copy !req
675. Give me back my phone!Copy !req
676. No! Give it back to me!Copy !req
677. Uh, now, listen, you
are not gonna stop himCopy !req
678. - Give it here!
- Telling her about the kiss.Copy !req
679. We want them to break up.Copy !req
680. I swear to God I will...Copy !req
681. Ha-ha! Got your phone.Copy !req
682. - Ha-ha! Got your car keys.
- What?Copy !req
683. Meet you at the ceremony. Take a
cab. I'll pay you back.Copy !req
684. Are you c... ?Copy !req
685. This never happened to Rosie O'Donnell.Copy !req
686. I should've known better...
I kissed Rebecca.Copy !req
687. You did what? You kissed her?Copy !req
688. - I-I feel terrible. I...
- You feel terrible.Copy !req
689. I got caught up in the moment in court.Copy !req
690. I-I don't know what
happened; I'm sorry.Copy !req
691. I've never... been
more sorry in my life.Copy !req
692. Oh...Copy !req
693. Say something. Please.Copy !req
694. Oh, wow, I mean, I... wow.Copy !req
695. I-I did not expect this
conversation to go like this.Copy !req
696. I expected something so different.Copy !req
697. I thought that you
were gonna ask me to...Copy !req
698. Never mind. I feel so stupid, I...Copy !req
699. I never meant to hurt you.Copy !req
700. Uh, this... this will
never happen again.Copy !req
701. I guess you want me to move out, so...Copy !req
702. when I come back from Hawaii...Copy !req
703. I didn't say that.Copy !req
704. Do you love her?Copy !req
705. No.Copy !req
706. God, no.Copy !req
707. Josh...Copy !req
708. I am really, really hurt,Copy !req
709. but, God, I... I knew
something was going on.Copy !req
710. I mean, she's smart and... and differentCopy !req
711. and interesting.Copy !req
712. So I get it.Copy !req
713. You're not mad at me?Copy !req
714. You forgive me?Copy !req
715. Of course I forgive you, Joshy.Copy !req
716. I have to.Copy !req
717. You mean everything to me.Copy !req
718. I love you.Copy !req
719. No, I'll be here when
you come back from Hawaii,Copy !req
720. and... we'll start over again.Copy !req
721. Honey, I'm not going anywhere.Copy !req
722. Uh, I'm staying here with you.Copy !req
723. I don't deserve you.Copy !req
724. You're beautiful andCopy !req
725. perfect like Madonna.Copy !req
726. The Bible Madonna.Copy !req
727. Not the buff Madonna.Copy !req
728. Oh, my God.Copy !req
729. He needs someone to do the books.Copy !req
730. Actually I shouldn't do that.Copy !req
731. I'm terrible with money.Copy !req
732. Wait, where am I?Copy !req
733. Aah, a bird!Copy !req
734. It's, like, ridiculously sinister.Copy !req
735. Like, ri-dunk-culously
sinister.Copy !req
736. Well, well, well.Copy !req
737. Looks like I've got you now, Valencia!Copy !req
738. What do you want to do with
me, you evil witch queen?Copy !req
739. I am but a humble yoga instructor.Copy !req
740. Oh, what I want is... your boyfriend!Copy !req
741. Not Prince Josh!Copy !req
742. Anything but Prince Josh!Copy !req
743. Why are you doing this?Copy !req
744. I'm Kate Hudson.Copy !req
745. We're doing the witch
and the princess thing.Copy !req
746. Okay? Just go with it.Copy !req
747. Okay, so, fine, I'm the princess.Copy !req
748. Why, why are you doing this to me?Copy !req
749. Because I'm jealous
of you and your life!Copy !req
750. You're so skinny and Josh is so perfect!Copy !req
751. And I want to take it all for myself!Copy !req
752. No. And now,Copy !req
753. I'll cook you into the
traditional dish of dinuguan,Copy !req
754. and serve it to Josh's family!Copy !req
755. No!Copy !req
756. No! No!Copy !req
757. Hey, shut up!Copy !req
758. What time is it? What time is it?Copy !req
759. Where is she?Copy !req
760. Oh, there she is right there.Copy !req
761. Oh.Copy !req
762. Okay.Copy !req
763. Tell me you didn't do it.
Please tell me you're stillCopy !req
764. going to Hawaii.Copy !req
765. And the moment we've
all been waiting for,Copy !req
766. the woman of the hour,Copy !req
767. Rebecca Bunch.Copy !req
768. Ew.Copy !req
769. Okay, that's it.Copy !req
770. - What's going on?
- With what?Copy !req
771. Look, I'm not stupid.Copy !req
772. I think you're mad at me.Copy !req
773. Yeah, 'cause you're so smart.Copy !req
774. Okay, but what did I do?Copy !req
775. You broke my heart,Copy !req
776. you dumb idiot jerkface!Copy !req
777. Okay, I probably shouldn't
dwell on particulars,Copy !req
778. but you broke up with me.Copy !req
779. You told me to run after Rebecca.Copy !req
780. You did a whole song and dance.Copy !req
781. That was a test, you moron.Copy !req
782. And you were supposed to say, “Oh, no.Copy !req
783. “That's ridiculous.Copy !req
784. “I couldn't possibly be with her,Copy !req
785. “because I'm dating
you and you make me happy.Copy !req
786. And you're really hot.”Copy !req
787. Oh, a test.Copy !req
788. God, I always fail the tests.Copy !req
789. I'm a jerk.Copy !req
790. Look.Copy !req
791. The mature rational side of meCopy !req
792. knows that you're not a jerk.Copy !req
793. You just don't feel the same
way about me that I do about you.Copy !req
794. But, so the emotional side of meCopy !req
795. wants to spear you through
the eye with this dart.Copy !req
796. Okay, I see.Copy !req
797. What... can I do?Copy !req
798. What would make this better?Copy !req
799. You are just gonna have to
live with the uncertainty.Copy !req
800. 'Cause I'm gonna be sad and angry,Copy !req
801. and you're just gonna
have to live with it.Copy !req
802. Because I'm not quitting this job.Copy !req
803. Not this time.Copy !req
804. 'Cause I love itCopy !req
805. and I'm, like, really good at it.Copy !req
806. You're...Copy !req
807. Yeah, you are.Copy !req
808. Heather, I'm sorry. I messed up.Copy !req
809. Yeah.Copy !req
810. But... that's, like, what you do.Copy !req
811. Everyone, let's get a round
of applause for our hero,Copy !req
812. the most wonderful woman in West Covina,Copy !req
813. Rebecca Bunch!Copy !req
814. She is a true inspirationCopy !req
815. and the champion of our community.Copy !req
816. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
817. Sir, everything's going, um, wobbly.Copy !req
818. Excuse me?Copy !req
819. I think my life is a giant turd.Copy !req
820. What?Copy !req
821. He doesn't love me.Copy !req
822. He doesn't love me.Copy !req
823. I'm broke, I'm broke. I hate my life.Copy !req
824. I'm the villain. I hate my life.Copy !req
825. I'm the villain. I'm broke.Copy !req
826. What's wrong with me? Why
doesn't anyone love me?Copy !req
827. He doesn't love me. I hate my life.Copy !req
828. Why doesn't anyone love
me? He doesn't love me.Copy !req
829. Um...Copy !req
830. Thanks.Copy !req
831. We got a runner!Copy !req
832. Have fun in Kazakhstan!Copy !req
833. I am so happy we worked everything out.Copy !req
834. Like, I'm soy proud of us.Copy !req
835. Yeah, I thought for sure
you were gonna throw me out.Copy !req
836. That's the old me.Copy !req
837. The new me is very mature and evolved.Copy !req
838. I'm hungry.Copy !req
839. Should we get dinner?Copy !req
840. Okay, great.Copy !req
841. Uh, th-there's a new Indian
place on East Cameron.Copy !req
842. - They have really good...
- Joshy!Copy !req
843. You know Indian makes me gassy.Copy !req
844. - Right, right.
- Hmm.Copy !req
845. Uh, you should choose.Copy !req
846. Give me the phone.Copy !req
847. Okay, well, delivery probably
is gonna take forever,Copy !req
848. so you should, you know,
you're gonna get it.Copy !req
849. - Hey, man.
- Oh!Copy !req
850. How are you?Copy !req
851. I haven't heard from you in a while.Copy !req
852. - Oh, wow, I'm good.
- Yeah?Copy !req
853. Actually, you know what? I'm great.Copy !req
854. I-I took your advice,Copy !req
855. and it's been really interesting.Copy !req
856. I bet.Copy !req
857. Yeah, I went out with
a girl named CharlieCopy !req
858. and a guy named DanaCopy !req
859. just to make things as
confusing as possible.Copy !req
860. I don't want to say I don't
like anyone as much as you,Copy !req
861. but...Copy !req
862. I think I just said it.Copy !req
863. Hmm.Copy !req
864. That's, uh,Copy !req
865. that's really sweet.Copy !req
866. It is?Copy !req
867. Yeah.Copy !req
868. You know what, Darryl?Copy !req
869. Why don't we start over?Copy !req
870. Wipe the slate clean.Copy !req
871. Keep things simple.Copy !req
872. Can I buy you a boba?Copy !req
873. Sure.Copy !req
874. Actually I cannot.Copy !req
875. 'Cause I left my wallet in that blazer.Copy !req
876. I can spot you.Copy !req
877. But you still have to get in the line.Copy !req
878. Oh, sorry, okay.Copy !req
879. Dr. Akopian.Copy !req
880. Can I have another seat?Copy !req
881. I-I also would like another seat.Copy !req
882. Ladies, I'm so sorry,Copy !req
883. but today's flight is
completely sold out.Copy !req
884. So... we're stuck together
for the next five hours.Copy !req
885. You want to give it a go?Copy !req
886. Do some therapy?Copy !req
887. Okay.Copy !req
888. Yeah, let's do this.Copy !req
889. Okay.Copy !req
890. For starters, I was
conceived on a cruise ship.Copy !req
891. I think my mom must've had
some, I don't know, bad lobster.Copy !req
892. Because the second she felt
the sperm enter the egg,Copy !req
893. she got sick.Copy !req
894. In my narrative, I pictured you as,Copy !req
895. like, the funny singing raccoon.Copy !req
896. If you've got love problems,Copy !req
897. then listen to me, Paula the raccoon.Copy !req
898. — Synced and corrected by ChrisKe —
— www.addic7ed.com —Copy !req