1. Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...Copy !req
2. Let's delve into your childhood.Copy !req
3. Oh, I was afraid you'd say that.Copy !req
4. - I used to like her.
- You still do.Copy !req
5. I don't want to be your back-up plan.Copy !req
6. I am bi-sexual!Copy !req
7. I'm going for drinks with this gay manCopy !req
8. whom I have a crush on.Copy !req
9. This could be the biggest
case the county's ever seen.Copy !req
10. I must find in favor of the
defendants... Greater City Water.Copy !req
11. I'm from the metro desk at the paper.Copy !req
12. This should help get you started.Copy !req
13. These are e-mails that clearlyCopy !req
14. expose a cover-up.Copy !req
15. You tried really hard today.Copy !req
16. I wanted you to be proud of me.Copy !req
17. I didn't know you thought
about me that much.Copy !req
18. That's a sexist term.Copy !req
19. Can you guys stop
singing for just a second?Copy !req
20. The situation's a lot
more nuanced than that.Copy !req
21. Okay! We get it!Copy !req
22. Okay...Copy !req
23. What happened?Copy !req
24. Dude, bro, what happened?Copy !req
25. God, it was such a magical kiss.Copy !req
26. Oh, my gosh, it transported
me to a different world,Copy !req
27. Like where they shoot the
fun parts of Game of Thrones.Copy !req
28. Okay, so, so why are you at
my house? I mean, I watched itCopy !req
29. happen, and I took off, 'cause I figuredCopy !req
30. you two would be having
stand-up sex in the showerCopy !req
31. of a very nice
bed-and-breakfast by now.Copy !req
32. I don't... I don't know.Copy !req
33. Uh, he just bailed. He
said he had to go somewhere.Copy !req
34. I don't know where he
is or what he's thinking.Copy !req
35. After the kiss, I just bailed.Copy !req
36. I'm riddled with guilt.Copy !req
37. It's killing me!Copy !req
38. I'm in a committed relationship, FB.Copy !req
39. I live with Valencia.Copy !req
40. What do I do?Copy !req
41. Bro, do you remember,
in the second grade,Copy !req
42. when we had that class bunny, Carrots?Copy !req
43. Um... yeah?Copy !req
44. Okay, yeah, well, when it was
my week to take care of her,Copy !req
45. I, um... I accidentally
dropped her in the toilet.Copy !req
46. And, uh, I freaked out
so much that I panicked,Copy !req
47. and then, I flushed.Copy !req
48. But, uh, you know,Copy !req
49. her baby bunny body...Copy !req
50. just clogged that toilet up.Copy !req
51. Um, and then, here comes my dadCopy !req
52. with the plunger, and
then up comes the corpse.Copy !req
53. So, I told everybodyCopy !req
54. that my brother Eric did it.Copy !req
55. He was only four years old, you know,Copy !req
56. so, like, everybody believed me.Copy !req
57. It was so easy. It...Copy !req
58. It was the perfect crime.Copy !req
59. Yeah.Copy !req
60. I blamed my baby brother
for that baby bunny body.Copy !req
61. Dude, are you stoned right now?Copy !req
62. Yeah.Copy !req
63. Oh, bro...Copy !req
64. I got a bad back. It's awesome.Copy !req
65. Listen, Josh, would you
just focus for a second?Copy !req
66. I was consumed by
guilt for years becauseCopy !req
67. that was the first step in
my baby brother becoming,Copy !req
68. like, a hardcore
heroin addict, you know?Copy !req
69. And then one day, I realizedCopy !req
70. I had to ask for forgiveness.Copy !req
71. And that was hard...Copy !req
72. because that cult was on an island.Copy !req
73. But I did it, I found
him, and I confessed,Copy !req
74. and much like the Madonna...Copy !req
75. He forgave me.Copy !req
76. And that's why I'm a priest, man.Copy !req
77. Go to the person you have
wronged, my son, my brah.Copy !req
78. Perhaps they will forgive.Copy !req
79. Dude, we're talking about Valencia.Copy !req
80. Mm... Yeah, you're screwed.Copy !req
81. Sorry.Copy !req
82. We have to celebrate. Your first kiss!Copy !req
83. I think I have...Copy !req
84. sparkling apple cider somewh... aha!Copy !req
85. Expires... 2012.Copy !req
86. Perfect. Should be alcohol by now.Copy !req
87. This...Copy !req
88. is my favorite part
of a romantic comedy.Copy !req
89. It's like you're Kate Hudson,
and Josh is this British actorCopy !req
90. that, like, no one's ever
heard of, but is super cute,Copy !req
91. and Valencia is the skinny bitchCopy !req
92. who ends up getting
just what she deserves.Copy !req
93. I kind of saw it as fairy taleCopy !req
94. where I'm the spunky princess,Copy !req
95. Josh is the handsome prince
who gets turned into a stone,Copy !req
96. and Valencia is the witch who
turned him into that stone.Copy !req
97. You have put a lot of thought
into this narrative.Copy !req
98. I have.Copy !req
99. Hmm. Oh!Copy !req
100. Crap. Hold on.Copy !req
101. Hi, Dr. Akopian.Copy !req
102. Okay, yes, I'm aware we
have an appointment tonight,Copy !req
103. and I have to cancel.Copy !req
104. I know there's a cancellation fee.Copy !req
105. I will pay it, I will reschedule.Copy !req
106. I'm so sorry. Bye. Have a good night.Copy !req
107. Ew. I feel bad.Copy !req
108. I keep canceling with my shrink.Copy !req
109. I just don't have any time.Copy !req
110. God knows why you have a
shrink in the first placeCopy !req
111. when you have me. I
give such great advice.Copy !req
112. Now let's drink this
old expired apple juice.Copy !req
113. Paula, it's weird; I haven't heardCopy !req
114. anything from Josh.Copy !req
115. Maybe I'll call him just once,Copy !req
116. or, like, send him, like, a flirty text.Copy !req
117. No. No. Oh, God, God, no.Copy !req
118. Have you never seen a
two-and-half star movie?Copy !req
119. Right now, he has to come to you.Copy !req
120. The most important thing
is that you don't call,Copy !req
121. you don't e-mail, you
don't reach out in any way.Copy !req
122. Okay, fine.Copy !req
123. - I have a lot of work to do anyway.
- Good. Cheers.Copy !req
124. “Client agrees to keep the landCopy !req
125. in accordance with all policy... ”Copy !req
126. "Client agre..." Bored!Copy !req
127. Oh, boy.Copy !req
128. This is a dilemma.Copy !req
129. Josh loves red pandas
so much, and this one...Copy !req
130. I mean, if I don't send
it, it's almost mean.Copy !req
131. You know, I think evenCopy !req
132. Paula would understand. I
have to send this to him.Copy !req
133. Oh, what am I talking
about? I shouldn't.Copy !req
134. He's probably already seen it!Copy !req
135. Because everyone knows
he likes red pandas.Copy !req
136. You know, and he's probably
gotten this photo a lot.Copy !req
137. Aah! What if he hasn't?Copy !req
138. Oh, and it's the cutest one.Copy !req
139. Then I'm the jerk. Then it's on me.Copy !req
140. Maybe I'll print it out
and mail it anonymously?Copy !req
141. I gotta stop. I gotta stop.Copy !req
142. I have to think about
something besides...Copy !req
143. Rebecca?Copy !req
144. It's Josh!Copy !req
145. Oh, my God, it worked.Copy !req
146. I'm coming! I'm coming!Copy !req
147. Yup!Copy !req
148. Do you have a minute?Copy !req
149. I feel overdressed.Copy !req
150. Those pajamas are cute.Copy !req
151. I like the little... sushi on 'em.Copy !req
152. Oh.Copy !req
153. Arigato.Copy !req
154. Oh.Copy !req
155. It's...Copy !req
156. Oh... So, look, uh, we have
to talk about that kiss.Copy !req
157. Yes, yes. Yes, we do.Copy !req
158. I...Copy !req
159. Yes. I...Copy !req
160. can't stop thinking about it.Copy !req
161. - Me, neither.
- I mean, it was...Copy !req
162. Yeah, no. It-it was.Copy !req
163. Rebecca, I feel something for you.Copy !req
164. Oh, my God, yes, yes. Wow.Copy !req
165. We obviously have some
kind of connection.Copy !req
166. No, we absolutely have a
connection, Josh, and I feel...Copy !req
167. Aah! I feel so many things.Copy !req
168. But kissing you was wrong.Copy !req
169. Sorry. What?Copy !req
170. I have a girlfriend,
you have a boyfriend.Copy !req
171. Who? Oh, uh, no.Copy !req
172. No, no, no, no, no. We-we broke up.Copy !req
173. Wait. Trent? Tonight? Because of me?Copy !req
174. No. He's tall. He... It
doesn't matter. He's dead.Copy !req
175. Just don't think about
him. Keep talking.Copy !req
176. But I-I shouldn't have cheated. I...Copy !req
177. Now there's only one thing to do.Copy !req
178. Follow your heart... ?Copy !req
179. I have to tell Valencia.Copy !req
180. And if I tell her, she's definitelyCopy !req
181. gonna break up with
me, like, definitely.Copy !req
182. She will?Copy !req
183. Our kiss will end
everything between me and V.Copy !req
184. Well, uh, that's, uh...Copy !req
185. You know, that's terribly sad.Copy !req
186. Telling her is the right thing to do.Copy !req
187. Even if it means
ending the relationship.Copy !req
188. Wow.Copy !req
189. So, uh, so then...
so then, what happens?Copy !req
190. Oh, well, then I go to Hawaii.Copy !req
191. What?Copy !req
192. Hector's in a surf competition, and
some of us are coming along.Copy !req
193. Oh, thank God.Copy !req
194. The drama happens, then I get to justCopy !req
195. get away for a while, hop on
flight 425 to Maui on Thursday.Copy !req
196. Then I'll be in Hawaii justCopy !req
197. watching the sunset,
wondering about the future.Copy !req
198. Right, um...Copy !req
199. your future.Copy !req
200. I'm sorry, Rebecca.Copy !req
201. I, I-I shouldn't have
done what I did, any of it.Copy !req
202. I shouldn't have... grabbed you,Copy !req
203. or squeezed you, or...Copy !req
204. put my hand on the nape of your neck,Copy !req
205. or run it through your hair.Copy !req
206. What else? What else did you do?Copy !req
207. I-I have to go.Copy !req
208. What happens next?Copy !req
209. What happens next in-in
your stupid movies?Copy !req
210. Uh, I think it's obvious.Copy !req
211. You go bikini shopping
and try on floppy hats.Copy !req
212. Why?Copy !req
213. Because you're going
to Hawaii, you idiot!Copy !req
214. Ladies, hey, you two chatty Cathys.Copy !req
215. It's time for the staff meeting.Copy !req
216. Okay, hold on, Darryl. Darryl...Copy !req
217. God. Rebecca, listen,Copy !req
218. you are at the grand gesture moment.Copy !req
219. It is the best part of any Rom com.Copy !req
220. Okay, it's the... it's the...Copy !req
221. get up on stage and sing the song,Copy !req
222. and-and run through the rainCopy !req
223. and show up and object at the wedding,Copy !req
224. and-and... and race to the airportCopy !req
225. before he leaves for Kazakhstan.Copy !req
226. Wait. No, he's going to Hawaii.Copy !req
227. Rebecca, go to your office,Copy !req
228. get a ticket on that flight right now.Copy !req
229. I don't know... are you
sure this is a good idea?Copy !req
230. Yes, I know these things.Copy !req
231. I am your funny best friend
with all the answers, okay?Copy !req
232. I'm your Judy Greer, your
Rosie O'Donnell, your-your...Copy !req
233. - your Joan Cusack.
- You know what?Copy !req
234. In my narrative, I'd picture youCopy !req
235. as, like, the funny singing raccoon.Copy !req
236. - Of course you did.
- That's not an insult.Copy !req
237. You have the breakout
song of the whole movie.Copy !req
238. Just go get the ticket!Copy !req
239. Okay, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it!Copy !req
240. You know what? As the kids say,Copy !req
241. I'm gonna YOLO before I FOMO.Copy !req
242. - Is that yogurt? What is that?
- I saw it on a meme.Copy !req
243. I have no idea what that...Copy !req
244. Nor do I care. Go get the ticket.Copy !req
245. Hi, honey.Copy !req
246. Nothing's wrong. What?Copy !req
247. You've been
acting all weird today.Copy !req
248. What's wrong?Copy !req
249. I-I-I
don't knowCopy !req
250. what you're talking about.Copy !req
251. You already worked out this morning,Copy !req
252. and now you're going to the gym again?Copy !req
253. A man can't go to
CrossFit for six hours?Copy !req
254. Big things are happening there.Copy !req
255. We're doing the Murph today.Copy !req
256. Okay.Copy !req
257. Actually, um,Copy !req
258. there is something I wantedCopy !req
259. to talk to you about. Maybe we should...Copy !req
260. talk after your evening class.Copy !req
261. Oh, honey, I'm gonna be late tonight.Copy !req
262. I'm doing that cryotherapy thing.Copy !req
263. We'll talk about it tomorrow, then.Copy !req
264. That's even better. Good!Copy !req
265. That's even better. Good!Copy !req
266. No kiss?Copy !req
267. Hmm.Copy !req
268. I wonder what's going on.Copy !req
269. Okay, people...Copy !req
270. no beating around the bush.Copy !req
271. Let's get to why we're here.Copy !req
272. Um, hi, everyone.Copy !req
273. Uh, since this is my
first staff meeting,Copy !req
274. I thought I'd give
everybody a big hello.Copy !req
275. My name is Maya.Copy !req
276. I'm the new administrative assistant.Copy !req
277. And a little about me...Copy !req
278. Um, I love online shopping
and kale salads and...Copy !req
279. Maya, this is not the time.Copy !req
280. This is not about you.Copy !req
281. Okay?Copy !req
282. Please.Copy !req
283. Is everybody on board? Great.Copy !req
284. I want you all to
listen really hard now.Copy !req
285. I mean, really listen.Copy !req
286. Like, with both your ears.Copy !req
287. Okay, Darryl, spit it out.Copy !req
288. Okay, well I'm sure you've noticedCopy !req
289. that I've been going
through a lot lately.Copy !req
290. And I know you've often wondered:Copy !req
291. “Who is Daryl, really?”Copy !req
292. Nope, never.Copy !req
293. Darryl, until February,Copy !req
294. I thought your name was Jasper.Copy !req
295. Okay, pre-purchase Wi-Fi
to save seven dollars, yes.Copy !req
296. Dietary restrictions.Copy !req
297. You betcha.Copy !req
298. You know,Copy !req
299. there are times when I
look out these windows,Copy !req
300. and I know you're all thinking,Copy !req
301. “What makes the
measure of this man?”Copy !req
302. Oh, my God, you'd better be dying!Copy !req
303. Look, I called you all hereCopy !req
304. to tell you,Copy !req
305. with pride and excitement...Copy !req
306. and a lot of pride,Copy !req
307. about the new and improved
Darryl C. Whitefeather.Copy !req
308. Jim, give me a beat.Copy !req
309. Sorry, what?Copy !req
310. When somebody asks for a
beat you just, you don't askCopy !req
311. a lot of questions.
You just get down on it.Copy !req
312. Oh, you want, like, a syncopated
thing or, like, a vibey thing?Copy !req
313. Just do it. Hmm?Copy !req
314. Please make him stop.Copy !req
315. Any questions?Copy !req
316. Oh, come on. You guys aren't weirded outCopy !req
317. because I'm bisexual, are you?Copy !req
318. No, we're weirded out
by the fact that our bossCopy !req
319. just called a meeting to tell us that.Copy !req
320. Um...Copy !req
321. Hi, everyone, again.Copy !req
322. I know that this isCopy !req
323. a little personal for
my first week here,Copy !req
324. but I'm also bisexual,Copy !req
325. and I am so glad that
this office is so open...Copy !req
326. Does anyone else have
any other questionsCopy !req
327. besides Maya, who seems
to think that every meetingCopy !req
328. is about her for some reason?Copy !req
329. Jim.Copy !req
330. Are you sure you're not just gay?Copy !req
331. Oh, my God.Copy !req
332. Did you not hear what I said?Copy !req
333. Come on!Copy !req
334. Guys, this is important.Copy !req
335. Are there any other questions?Copy !req
336. Whoa.Copy !req
337. This is weird.Copy !req
338. Hey, guys, look at this.Copy !req
339. I don't believe it.Copy !req
340. Bunch is some kind of hero.Copy !req
341. Oh, my God!Copy !req
342. This is perfect.Copy !req
343. Now she can lip-sync on a parade float!Copy !req
344. So, we're moving on from my stuff, then.Copy !req
345. Cool.Copy !req
346. Wow, you are really
having the best day ever!Copy !req
347. You know that evidence
you gave to the reporter?Copy !req
348. It's touched off a landslide.Copy !req
349. Have you seen this?Copy !req
350. What's wrong?Copy !req
351. Um, okay, uh, what's wrongCopy !req
352. is I was trying to buy
the ticket for Hawaii,Copy !req
353. and so I triedCopy !req
354. all of my credit cards,Copy !req
355. and then I tried my debit card,Copy !req
356. and then I checked my bank account...Copy !req
357. Which according to the welcome screen,Copy !req
358. I haven't done since
2011... And now I'm seeingCopy !req
359. my balance, and, Paula,
guess what's in there. Guess.Copy !req
360. It's a negative number,
Paula. It's negative a lot.Copy !req
361. Holy Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Paula.Copy !req
362. Am I broke?Copy !req
363. How could you be broke?Copy !req
364. You're rich.Copy !req
365. That's what I thought.Copy !req
366. Yo, Bunch.Copy !req
367. Guy from the Mayor's
Office is here for you.Copy !req
368. It's the mayor.Copy !req
369. He wants to give you the
key to the city or something.Copy !req
370. Uh, yeah, okay.Copy !req
371. I'll be right there.Copy !req
372. Okay.Copy !req
373. I don't understand this.Copy !req
374. How am I broke? I can't be broke.Copy !req
375. I mean, all right,
sure, since I moved here,Copy !req
376. maybe I've spent a little
money here and there.Copy !req
377. So I got this treadmill desk.Copy !req
378. That was, like, $2,000 mistake?Copy !req
379. I pledge $1,000.Copy !req
380. And it's really fine.Copy !req
381. - I-I-I got it.
- Good thing the drinks are free.Copy !req
382. Here you go.Copy !req
383. I'm gonna go to the
bank, withdraw $10,000Copy !req
384. and plant it in your wife's suitcase.Copy !req
385. Well, you had a huge salary in New York.Copy !req
386. What about your savings?Copy !req
387. I never worried about saving.Copy !req
388. You know what, I keep
forgetting that you are so smartCopy !req
389. and so not smart!Copy !req
390. I just never had to think about money.Copy !req
391. You don't think about money.Copy !req
392. Wow, that must free up some time.Copy !req
393. Paula?Copy !req
394. I can't go. There's no
running to Kazakhstan.Copy !req
395. - Hawaii is out.
- What?Copy !req
396. No. Okay, Rebecca, let me
explain something to you.Copy !req
397. You have a window,Copy !req
398. and that window is Hawaii!Copy !req
399. I can't afford to go
to Hawaii right now.Copy !req
400. I can't even afford to
buy a pack of Skittles!Copy !req
401. Okay, look, I would give you the money,Copy !req
402. but I don't have any money.Copy !req
403. Rebecca.Copy !req
404. The mayor doesn't have all day.Copy !req
405. Or maybe he does.
Yeah, he probably does.Copy !req
406. But he's out here.Copy !req
407. Here she is right now.Copy !req
408. Rebecca.Copy !req
409. You are an inspiration, a model citizen,Copy !req
410. and we would be thrilled to
give you the key to the city.Copy !req
411. Oh, wow.Copy !req
412. That, what, that's great.Copy !req
413. Key to the city.Copy !req
414. Uh, question, is there a cash prizeCopy !req
415. associated with that?Copy !req
416. No.Copy !req
417. Sorry, okay.Copy !req
418. I don't know how things work.Copy !req
419. She's looking sharp in that suit.Copy !req
420. It really highlights her brains
and tactical thinking skills.Copy !req
421. Is she still single?Copy !req
422. Who cares? Who knows?Copy !req
423. I don't even think about that anymore.Copy !req
424. Why not? Didn't you go all the way to LACopy !req
425. just to tell her you dig her?Copy !req
426. Yes, I did, Chris.Copy !req
427. And it did not work out.Copy !req
428. 'Cause life isn't a
two-and-a-half-star movie.Copy !req
429. I made a grand gesture,Copy !req
430. I made a fool out of myself,Copy !req
431. cause that's what happens when
you emulate stupid rom-come.Copy !req
432. So you and Heather
split up for no reason?Copy !req
433. Ouch.Copy !req
434. And now you have to work together?Copy !req
435. I might take my root beer to go.Copy !req
436. It's gonna be a bloodbath
when she shows up.Copy !req
437. What? No.Copy !req
438. There's not gonna be any drama.Copy !req
439. She broke up with me.Copy !req
440. Besides, Heather is chill,Copy !req
441. mature, tattooed.Copy !req
442. She's gonna be totally cool about it.Copy !req
443. Hit the deck.Copy !req
444. Hey, dude.Copy !req
445. 'Sup, girl?Copy !req
446. See?Copy !req
447. That's how two adults
handle the post-breakup.Copy !req
448. Watch and learn.Copy !req
449. Okay, Mom.Copy !req
450. Love you. Bye.Copy !req
451. What was that?Copy !req
452. I don't know if she's
having a stroke or something,Copy !req
453. but... she said she saw the
articles about me online,Copy !req
454. and she loves me.Copy !req
455. And she's proud of me.Copy !req
456. - Oh!
- And she's sending me a present.Copy !req
457. Yay.Copy !req
458. I mean, it's probably rugelach.Copy !req
459. Gesundheit.Copy !req
460. - Come on, you know what rugelach is.
- Nope.Copy !req
461. - What?
- No, what is it?Copy !req
462. It's amazing. It's, like, a dessert.Copy !req
463. - Oh, all right.
- Anyway,Copy !req
464. I mean, she's not gonna be proud of meCopy !req
465. now that I'm a pauper.Copy !req
466. Okay, you're gonna get a
paycheck next week, right?Copy !req
467. I get a paycheck next
week? Wait, for how much?Copy !req
468. You don't know how much you earn?Copy !req
469. I'm a lawyer, not an accountant.Copy !req
470. - Oh...
- Everyone.Copy !req
471. There's a carCopy !req
472. right outside the office,Copy !req
473. and it's being repossessed.Copy !req
474. They're towing it right now.Copy !req
475. Does anyone here ownCopy !req
476. a 2015 Hyundai Sonata?Copy !req
477. No!Copy !req
478. Oh, my God!Copy !req
479. Oh, my God, I can't watch.Copy !req
480. I can't watch. I can't watch.Copy !req
481. My poor little Hyundai.Copy !req
482. Oh, my gosh, with its roomy
interior and sporty feel.Copy !req
483. Did you pay your lease?Copy !req
484. I mean, my lease is
set to auto-pay, but...Copy !req
485. You didn't pay your lease.Copy !req
486. You know what, unless
you have a time machine,Copy !req
487. comments like that
aren't helpful right now.Copy !req
488. What do I do?Copy !req
489. Uh, maybe I can sell the car.Copy !req
490. Wait.Copy !req
491. What? Do I not own my car?Copy !req
492. Do I not own my car anymore?Copy !req
493. Paula?Copy !req
494. Paula?Copy !req
495. Paula? Paula?Copy !req
496. Miss? Miss?Copy !req
497. Miss, can you help me?Copy !req
498. I ordered a vodka a while ago.Copy !req
499. Okay, well, you made me lose count,Copy !req
500. so now I have to start over. Thanks.Copy !req
501. Uh, I'll count them for you.Copy !req
502. Just make me a drink?Copy !req
503. Hey.Copy !req
504. How's it going over here?Copy !req
505. I'm just touching all the cherries.Copy !req
506. They feel like eyeballs.Copy !req
507. It's so slow here today.Copy !req
508. I have, like, nothing to do.Copy !req
509. This is nice.Copy !req
510. Us being cool,
working side-by-side.Copy !req
511. Yep.Copy !req
512. A lot of people would think
this would be awkward between usCopy !req
513. because we used to...Copy !req
514. You know what we used too.Copy !req
515. But it's totally fine.Copy !req
516. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
517. Besides, it's not like we
were, like, serious or anything.Copy !req
518. We were just having fun, right?Copy !req
519. Yeah.Copy !req
520. Yeah.Copy !req
521. So what happened with you and Rebecca?Copy !req
522. Oh, it's...Copy !req
523. Didn't work out, but...Copy !req
524. Cool.Copy !req
525. Cool.Copy !req
526. Well, you'll get her someday.Copy !req
527. Rooting for you.Copy !req
528. Yeah.Copy !req
529. See? That wasn't awkward at all.Copy !req
530. Chris?Copy !req
531. It's a little awkward.Copy !req
532. I'll get it. I'm gonna get it.Copy !req
533. Mmm. That's good.Copy !req
534. Whoops.Copy !req
535. This place is nice.Copy !req
536. I've never been to a place where
they give you your own jacket.Copy !req
537. Do I get to keep this?Copy !req
538. No.Copy !req
539. - No?
- So listen...Copy !req
540. I told everyone at work
about my new situation,Copy !req
541. and they were all very excited.Copy !req
542. - That's great.
- To meet you.Copy !req
543. - Really?
- Mm-hmm...Copy !req
544. - You want me to meet your coworkers?
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
545. You know, that's not a stage
in anyone's relationship.Copy !req
546. Oh, what are you talking about?
It'd just be something informal.Copy !req
547. Just, like, a little dinner party.Copy !req
548. Uh, honestly, it'll be, like,
what, seven courses, tops.Copy !req
549. Look, Darryl, I am really
happy for you coming out,Copy !req
550. but I think you need to relax, kind of.Copy !req
551. Relax? I... I am relaxed.Copy !req
552. Why would you think
that I'm not relaxed?Copy !req
553. Uh, well, this is
kind of our first date,Copy !req
554. and this is the restaurant
where my parents cameCopy !req
555. for their silver wedding anniversary.Copy !req
556. I think we can just hang
out, you know? No strings.Copy !req
557. Maybe go someplace
that's flip-flop friendly.Copy !req
558. - No strings.
- Mm.Copy !req
559. Does that mean you're
dating other people?Copy !req
560. Well, I'm... I'm not
not dating other people.Copy !req
561. Double negatives always stress me out.Copy !req
562. I don't know what that means.Copy !req
563. Okay, okay, I'm sorry.Copy !req
564. I... I just think we should actCopy !req
565. like two normal people
who have kissed twice.Copy !req
566. You know, you can do a little exploring,Copy !req
567. get on a dating Web site or something,Copy !req
568. see what else is out there.Copy !req
569. Okay. Okay.Copy !req
570. I feel so much more
relaxed now. Thank you.Copy !req
571. May I?Copy !req
572. Anyway, I just really
need money right now.Copy !req
573. I'll give you ten.Copy !req
574. Ten thousand?Copy !req
575. Oh, my gosh, that's amazing.Copy !req
576. You won't be sorry. The
guy at the store saidCopy !req
577. it had, like, smart
cushioning or some...Copy !req
578. No, ten dollarsCopy !req
579. And if you lie down naked on
it, I'll give you an extra 25.Copy !req
580. I don't even need to
be here, I'll step out.Copy !req
581. I just need to know that it happened.Copy !req
582. Okay, buddy, just leave. Get out.Copy !req
583. And come back in a minute.Copy !req
584. Being naked's not a problem for me.Copy !req
585. Well, at least I still
have the rugelach from Mom.Copy !req
586. Hmm?Copy !req
587. No.Copy !req
588. The Garfinkel ring.Copy !req
589. I think my mom is about to give me...Copy !req
590. the Garfinkel ring.Copy !req
591. It's been passed down in
my family for generations.Copy !req
592. So how much you
think I can get for this?Copy !req
593. Oh, also I should
mention that it was usedCopy !req
594. in conjunction with an oxCopy !req
595. to purchase my
great-great-grandmother.Copy !req
596. Yeah.Copy !req
597. Oh, and just so you know,
I'm gonna come back for it.Copy !req
598. I'm only selling this to
you for a couple weeks.Copy !req
599. Yeah, sure, great.Copy !req
600. I hear that all the time.Copy !req
601. So what is it, huh? What is it?Copy !req
602. I mean, what's a pretty showered
girl like you doing here?Copy !req
603. It's nothing shady.Copy !req
604. I'm just trying to go to Hawaii
with someone else's boyfriend.Copy !req
605. That came out wrong.
They're breaking up.Copy !req
606. It's a long story.Copy !req
607. All's fair in love and war.Copy !req
608. But there a casualties in both.Copy !req
609. Wow, thank you, Confucius.Copy !req
610. Give me the cheddar.Copy !req
611. Good luck, princess.Copy !req
612. Thank you.Copy !req
613. I am a princess.Copy !req
614. And I'm also Kate Hudson.Copy !req
615. Paula and I didn't settle on a metaphor.Copy !req
616. Never mind. You don't know Paula.Copy !req
617. I'll be back for that.Copy !req
618. No. No, you won't.Copy !req
619. I'll be back after Hawaii.Copy !req
620. Ooh.Copy !req
621. I'm gonna get doughnuts
at the Chinese place.Copy !req
622. Yeah.Copy !req
623. Mom, Mom, this is so exciting.Copy !req
624. I am so excited.Copy !req
625. I think it's finally gonna happen.Copy !req
626. 'Cause Joshy told meCopy !req
627. that we were gonna
have a big talk tonight.Copy !req
628. I think he's gonna propose, Mom.Copy !req
629. I'm so excited.Copy !req
630. Ugh, I'm so relieved.Copy !req
631. I've been getting worried
that something was going on,Copy !req
632. but now I realize that
he was just acting nervousCopy !req
633. because he was buying me a ring.Copy !req
634. Yeah, Joshy knows that I
have engagement rings on holdCopy !req
635. in every jewelry store in town,Copy !req
636. so I know he'll get the right one.Copy !req
637. Josh and I are finally getting engaged!Copy !req
638. I'm gonna celebrateCopy !req
639. by smelling the doughnuts
at the Chinese place.Copy !req
640. Okay. Love me more. Bye.Copy !req
641. God, what have I done?Copy !req
642. Okay, you want these
shoes or these shoesCopy !req
643. for the key ceremony?Copy !req
644. Paula, did you hear what I just said?Copy !req
645. Valencia thinks she's
gonna get proposed to.Copy !req
646. And instead she's gonna find
out that she got cheated on.Copy !req
647. Um, suddenly I don't feel so good.Copy !req
648. Well, I told you not to get
doughnuts at the Chinese place.Copy !req
649. - It's not that.
- Okay, look.Copy !req
650. She is not right for him.Copy !req
651. You know this.Copy !req
652. She is mean to him.
She doesn't respect him.Copy !req
653. She treats him terribly.Copy !req
654. Yeah, but they've been
together a long time.Copy !req
655. Yeah, too long.Copy !req
656. Long enough.Copy !req
657. Okay, you have nothing
to feel badly about, okay?Copy !req
658. He kissed you.Copy !req
659. He is clearly unhappy.Copy !req
660. If you put it in your
fairy tale metaphor,Copy !req
661. this is the part where the
funny singing raccoon comes alongCopy !req
662. and says, “You're the princess,Copy !req
663. and you get to rescue the
prince from the tower.”Copy !req
664. You're right. You're right.Copy !req
665. - Thank you.
- You're right.Copy !req
666. It's not a good relationship.Copy !req
667. So, put some shoes on.Copy !req
668. Let's go.Copy !req
669. I... I gotta text Josh.Copy !req
670. And I gotta tell him
not to tell Valencia.Copy !req
671. It's just the right thing to do.Copy !req
672. What? Are you insane?Copy !req
673. Give me that.Copy !req
674. Give me back my phone!Copy !req
675. No! Give it back to me!Copy !req
676. Uh, now, listen, you
are not gonna stop himCopy !req
677. - Give it here!
- Telling her about the kiss.Copy !req
678. We want them to break up.Copy !req
679. I swear to God I will...Copy !req
680. Ha-ha! Got your phone.Copy !req
681. - Ha-ha! Got your car keys.
- What?Copy !req
682. Meet you at the ceremony. Take a
cab. I'll pay you back.Copy !req
683. Are you c... ?Copy !req
684. This never happened to Rosie O'Donnell.Copy !req
685. I should've known better...
I kissed Rebecca.Copy !req
686. You did what? You kissed her?Copy !req
687. - I-I feel terrible. I...
- You feel terrible.Copy !req
688. I got caught up in the moment in court.Copy !req
689. I-I don't know what
happened; I'm sorry.Copy !req
690. I've never... been
more sorry in my life.Copy !req
691. Oh...Copy !req
692. Say something. Please.Copy !req
693. Oh, wow, I mean, I... wow.Copy !req
694. I-I did not expect this
conversation to go like this.Copy !req
695. I expected something so different.Copy !req
696. I thought that you
were gonna ask me to...Copy !req
697. Never mind. I feel so stupid, I...Copy !req
698. I never meant to hurt you.Copy !req
699. Uh, this... this will
never happen again.Copy !req
700. I guess you want me to move out, so...Copy !req
701. when I come back from Hawaii...Copy !req
702. I didn't say that.Copy !req
703. Do you love her?Copy !req
704. No.Copy !req
705. God, no.Copy !req
706. Josh...Copy !req
707. I am really, really hurt,Copy !req
708. but, God, I... I knew
something was going on.Copy !req
709. I mean, she's smart and... and differentCopy !req
710. and interesting.Copy !req
711. So I get it.Copy !req
712. You're not mad at me?Copy !req
713. You forgive me?Copy !req
714. Of course I forgive you, Joshy.Copy !req
715. I have to.Copy !req
716. You mean everything to me.Copy !req
717. I love you.Copy !req
718. No, I'll be here when
you come back from Hawaii,Copy !req
719. and... we'll start over again.Copy !req
720. Honey, I'm not going anywhere.Copy !req
721. Uh, I'm staying here with you.Copy !req
722. I don't deserve you.Copy !req
723. You're beautiful andCopy !req
724. perfect like Madonna.Copy !req
725. The Bible Madonna.Copy !req
726. Not the buff Madonna.Copy !req
727. Oh, my God.Copy !req
728. He needs someone to do the books.Copy !req
729. Actually I shouldn't do that.Copy !req
730. I'm terrible with money.Copy !req
731. Wait, where am I?Copy !req
732. Aah, a bird!Copy !req
733. It's, like, ridiculously sinister.Copy !req
734. Like, ri-dunk-culously
sinister.Copy !req
735. Well, well, well.Copy !req
736. Looks like I've got you now, Valencia!Copy !req
737. What do you want to do with
me, you evil witch queen?Copy !req
738. I am but a humble yoga instructor.Copy !req
739. Oh, what I want is... your boyfriend!Copy !req
740. Not Prince Josh!Copy !req
741. Anything but Prince Josh!Copy !req
742. Why are you doing this?Copy !req
743. I'm Kate Hudson.Copy !req
744. We're doing the witch
and the princess thing.Copy !req
745. Okay? Just go with it.Copy !req
746. Okay, so, fine, I'm the princess.Copy !req
747. Why, why are you doing this to me?Copy !req
748. Because I'm jealous
of you and your life!Copy !req
749. You're so skinny and Josh is so perfect!Copy !req
750. And I want to take it all for myself!Copy !req
751. No. And now,Copy !req
752. I'll cook you into the
traditional dish of dinuguan,Copy !req
753. and serve it to Josh's family!Copy !req
754. No!Copy !req
755. No! No!Copy !req
756. Hey, shut up!Copy !req
757. What time is it? What time is it?Copy !req
758. Where is she?Copy !req
759. Oh, there she is right there.Copy !req
760. Oh.Copy !req
761. Okay.Copy !req
762. Tell me you didn't do it.
Please tell me you're stillCopy !req
763. going to Hawaii.Copy !req
764. And the moment we've
all been waiting for,Copy !req
765. the woman of the hour,Copy !req
766. Rebecca Bunch.Copy !req
767. Ew.Copy !req
768. Okay, that's it.Copy !req
769. - What's going on?
- With what?Copy !req
770. Look, I'm not stupid.Copy !req
771. I think you're mad at me.Copy !req
772. Yeah, 'cause you're so smart.Copy !req
773. Okay, but what did I do?Copy !req
774. You broke my heart,Copy !req
775. you dumb idiot jerkface!Copy !req
776. Okay, I probably shouldn't
dwell on particulars,Copy !req
777. but you broke up with me.Copy !req
778. You told me to run after Rebecca.Copy !req
779. You did a whole song and dance.Copy !req
780. That was a test, you moron.Copy !req
781. And you were supposed to say, “Oh, no.Copy !req
782. “That's ridiculous.Copy !req
783. “I couldn't possibly be with her,Copy !req
784. “because I'm dating
you and you make me happy.Copy !req
785. And you're really hot.”Copy !req
786. Oh, a test.Copy !req
787. God, I always fail the tests.Copy !req
788. I'm a jerk.Copy !req
789. Look.Copy !req
790. The mature rational side of meCopy !req
791. knows that you're not a jerk.Copy !req
792. You just don't feel the same
way about me that I do about you.Copy !req
793. But, so the emotional side of meCopy !req
794. wants to spear you through
the eye with this dart.Copy !req
795. Okay, I see.Copy !req
796. What... can I do?Copy !req
797. What would make this better?Copy !req
798. You are just gonna have to
live with the uncertainty.Copy !req
799. 'Cause I'm gonna be sad and angry,Copy !req
800. and you're just gonna
have to live with it.Copy !req
801. Because I'm not quitting this job.Copy !req
802. Not this time.Copy !req
803. 'Cause I love itCopy !req
804. and I'm, like, really good at it.Copy !req
805. You're...Copy !req
806. Yeah, you are.Copy !req
807. Heather, I'm sorry. I messed up.Copy !req
808. Yeah.Copy !req
809. But... that's, like, what you do.Copy !req
810. Everyone, let's get a round
of applause for our hero,Copy !req
811. the most wonderful woman in West Covina,Copy !req
812. Rebecca Bunch!Copy !req
813. She is a true inspirationCopy !req
814. and the champion of our community.Copy !req
815. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
816. Sir, everything's going, um, wobbly.Copy !req
817. Excuse me?Copy !req
818. I think my life is a giant turd.Copy !req
819. What?Copy !req
820. He doesn't love me.Copy !req
821. He doesn't love me.Copy !req
822. I'm broke, I'm broke. I hate my life.Copy !req
823. I'm the villain. I hate my life.Copy !req
824. I'm the villain. I'm broke.Copy !req
825. What's wrong with me? Why
doesn't anyone love me?Copy !req
826. He doesn't love me. I hate my life.Copy !req
827. Why doesn't anyone love
me? He doesn't love me.Copy !req
828. Um...Copy !req
829. Thanks.Copy !req
830. We got a runner!Copy !req
831. Have fun in Kazakhstan!Copy !req
832. I am so happy we worked everything out.Copy !req
833. Like, I'm soy proud of us.Copy !req
834. Yeah, I thought for sure
you were gonna throw me out.Copy !req
835. That's the old me.Copy !req
836. The new me is very mature and evolved.Copy !req
837. I'm hungry.Copy !req
838. Should we get dinner?Copy !req
839. Okay, great.Copy !req
840. Uh, th-there's a new Indian
place on East Cameron.Copy !req
841. - They have really good...
- Joshy!Copy !req
842. You know Indian makes me gassy.Copy !req
843. - Right, right.
- Hmm.Copy !req
844. Uh, you should choose.Copy !req
845. Give me the phone.Copy !req
846. Okay, well, delivery probably
is gonna take forever,Copy !req
847. so you should, you know,
you're gonna get it.Copy !req
848. - Hey, man.
- Oh!Copy !req
849. How are you?Copy !req
850. I haven't heard from you in a while.Copy !req
851. - Oh, wow, I'm good.
- Yeah?Copy !req
852. Actually, you know what? I'm great.Copy !req
853. I-I took your advice,Copy !req
854. and it's been really interesting.Copy !req
855. I bet.Copy !req
856. Yeah, I went out with
a girl named CharlieCopy !req
857. and a guy named DanaCopy !req
858. just to make things as
confusing as possible.Copy !req
859. I don't want to say I don't
like anyone as much as you,Copy !req
860. but...Copy !req
861. I think I just said it.Copy !req
862. Hmm.Copy !req
863. That's, uh,Copy !req
864. that's really sweet.Copy !req
865. It is?Copy !req
866. Yeah.Copy !req
867. You know what, Darryl?Copy !req
868. Why don't we start over?Copy !req
869. Wipe the slate clean.Copy !req
870. Keep things simple.Copy !req
871. Can I buy you a boba?Copy !req
872. Sure.Copy !req
873. Actually I cannot.Copy !req
874. 'Cause I left my wallet in that blazer.Copy !req
875. I can spot you.Copy !req
876. But you still have to get in the line.Copy !req
877. Oh, sorry, okay.Copy !req
878. Dr. Akopian.Copy !req
879. Can I have another seat?Copy !req
880. I-I also would like another seat.Copy !req
881. Ladies, I'm so sorry,Copy !req
882. but today's flight is
completely sold out.Copy !req
883. So... we're stuck together
for the next five hours.Copy !req
884. You want to give it a go?Copy !req
885. Do some therapy?Copy !req
886. Okay.Copy !req
887. Yeah, let's do this.Copy !req
888. Okay.Copy !req
889. For starters, I was
conceived on a cruise ship.Copy !req
890. I think my mom must've had
some, I don't know, bad lobster.Copy !req
891. Because the second she felt
the sperm enter the egg,Copy !req
892. she got sick.Copy !req
893. In my narrative, I pictured you as,Copy !req
894. like, the funny singing raccoon.Copy !req
895. If you've got love problems,Copy !req
896. then listen to me, Paula the raccoon.Copy !req