1. Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...Copy !req
2. Just wanted to be a little less lonely,Copy !req
3. make some friends.Copy !req
4. Well, you made one.Copy !req
5. Later, bro.Copy !req
6. Someone broke into your apartment?Copy !req
7. Throw the rock through the window!Copy !req
8. Why don't we go back to your place,Copy !req
9. and I'll make sure it's all okay.Copy !req
10. This is your rock?Copy !req
11. There's got to be another explanation...Copy !req
12. Wait, wait, wait,
please-please don't explain.Copy !req
13. Uh, I got to go.Copy !req
14. Moments ago he held me in his arms,Copy !req
15. and then just now he could
barely look me in the eye.Copy !req
16. All of my dreamsCopy !req
17. may have just been shattered.Copy !req
18. That's a sexist term.Copy !req
19. Can you guys stop
singing for just a second?Copy !req
20. The situation's a lot
more nuanced than that.Copy !req
21. Okay! We get it!Copy !req
22. — Synced and corrected by ChrisKe —
— www.addic7ed.com —Copy !req
23. He hasn't called. He hasn't texted.Copy !req
24. He hasn't Snapchatted.
He hasn't Vibered.Copy !req
25. He hasn't Facebook messaged me.Copy !req
26. He hasn't liked any of my
Instagram posts, including...Copy !req
27. the other day,Copy !req
28. I posted a picture of a baby...Copy !req
29. penguin...Copy !req
30. surfing.Copy !req
31. Look, I know it's been tough...Copy !req
32. No, no, no, Paula.Copy !req
33. With all due respect,Copy !req
34. you did not see his faceCopy !req
35. when he left my apartment that day.Copy !req
36. I was dead to him, like,
he didn't want to spendCopy !req
37. any more time with me, and,
oh, we were getting so close.Copy !req
38. You know? And you will again.Copy !req
39. I promise you, I'm gonna fix this.Copy !req
40. By the end of dayCopy !req
41. tomorrow, Josh will have askedCopy !req
42. you out to dinner.Copy !req
43. What?Copy !req
44. What, tomorrow?Copy !req
45. Dinner?Copy !req
46. What are you... that's impossible.Copy !req
47. Impossible?Copy !req
48. Rebecca, we put a man on the moon.Copy !req
49. “We”? Did you have
something to do with that?Copy !req
50. No, not at all,Copy !req
51. but I have been
watching Apollo 13 a lot.Copy !req
52. I got the Blu-rayCopy !req
53. at a garage sale, and oh, my...Copy !req
54. Ed Harris.Copy !req
55. Ed Ha... do you-do you
remember, with the glasses?Copy !req
56. I mean, come on, he... he
brought those Americans home,Copy !req
57. just like I'm gonna bring
that buff Filipino bro homeCopy !req
58. to... you.Copy !req
59. Like Ed says,Copy !req
60. “Failure is not an option.”Copy !req
61. I have no idea what you're
talking about right now,Copy !req
62. but you seem really confident,Copy !req
63. and you're talking about space, so...Copy !req
64. I'm gonna go with your plan.Copy !req
65. What's the first step?Copy !req
66. Smog check.Copy !req
67. Go to the auto body shop on East CameronCopy !req
68. at exactly 2:00 p.m. tomorrow.Copy !req
69. Do precisely what I tell you to do,Copy !req
70. and most of all...Copy !req
71. stay relaxed.Copy !req
72. I am relaxed.Copy !req
73. I have soupy bones.Copy !req
74. Hey.Copy !req
75. Oh.Copy !req
76. Hey, dude, good to see you.Copy !req
77. Rebecca, uh, what are you...Copy !req
78. Uh, just getting an old smog check.Copy !req
79. Don't you have a brand-new car?Copy !req
80. You're always talking about it,Copy !req
81. listing all the features of your HyundaiCopy !req
82. as if you were in a
commercial or something.Copy !req
83. Uh, what happened to your car?Copy !req
84. Uh, it got dinged.Copy !req
85. Step two,Copy !req
86. - apologize quickly.
- Hey, Josh...Copy !req
87. I'm super sorry for, like,Copy !req
88. misunderstanding a couple weeks ago.Copy !req
89. And step three...Copy !req
90. move on to the someone you're seeing.Copy !req
91. Yeah, the whole thing's so embarrassing.Copy !req
92. I was telling Trent about it recently...Copy !req
93. - Who's Trent?
- Oh.Copy !req
94. I'm sorry, you don't know Trent.
Trent's the new guy I'm seeing.Copy !req
95. Oh, you're, uh, seeing someone?Copy !req
96. Yeah, yeah, I knew him back in college.Copy !req
97. He went to Harvard?Copy !req
98. Yes, indeed, Ye olde Harvard.Copy !req
99. Fake boyfriend from Harvard.Copy !req
100. All we need is some random guyCopy !req
101. who went to Harvard at
the same time you did,Copy !req
102. and lives in Los Angeles.Copy !req
103. Ooh, what about this guy? Trent.Copy !req
104. Oh, that's a perfect
name for a fake boyfriend.Copy !req
105. Huh. That's awesome you met someone.Copy !req
106. Yeah, we're really happy.Copy !req
107. Miss Bunch, you are all set.Copy !req
108. Oh, thank you.Copy !req
109. Oh, here you go.Copy !req
110. There you are.Copy !req
111. And then you closeCopy !req
112. with a coupon.Copy !req
113. Uh, ma'am, we don't take coupons.Copy !req
114. Oh, I'm sorry, I have that in my wallet.Copy !req
115. I've been meaning to use it.Copy !req
116. It's a coupon for free drinksCopy !req
117. at Jalapeno Jack's.Copy !req
118. Hold up, free drinks?Copy !req
119. And appetizers.Copy !req
120. That's a pricey place.Copy !req
121. How can they afford that?Copy !req
122. I don't know.Copy !req
123. I don't make the coupons.Copy !req
124. Oh, man, it expires tonight.Copy !req
125. Oh, I kept meaning to use it.Copy !req
126. I wanted to take Trent,Copy !req
127. but he's working late tonight.Copy !req
128. Here, you want to take it?Copy !req
129. Uh, take Valencia.Copy !req
130. Oh, thanks. Yeah.Copy !req
131. That'd be great.Copy !req
132. Thursday night.Copy !req
133. She has back-to-back classes.Copy !req
134. Oh, no, she's also working tonight.Copy !req
135. Okay, well, this'll go
unused, no harm, no foul.Copy !req
136. Good-bye, coupon.Copy !req
137. Wait, hold up.Copy !req
138. If your date is busyCopy !req
139. and my date is busy,Copy !req
140. and the coupon expires tonight...Copy !req
141. should we just go together?Copy !req
142. Oh. Oh, I hadn't thought of that.Copy !req
143. Um, yeah, that sounds good. Yeah.Copy !req
144. Houston, this is Apollo.Copy !req
145. Jalapeno Jack's is a go.Copy !req
146. Repeat, Jalapeno Jack's is a go.Copy !req
147. And that's how you land a plane.Copy !req
148. We did it, we did it!Copy !req
149. We did it.Copy !req
150. Oh, we did,Copy !req
151. and it was pretty easy.Copy !req
152. Whoa.Copy !req
153. Whoa.Copy !req
154. Yay, we did it.Copy !req
155. You have a dinner plan.Copy !req
156. Now you and JoshCopy !req
157. can get back on track.Copy !req
158. Get back to where you
were a couple weeks ago,Copy !req
159. when you were practically about to bone.Copy !req
160. Oh, it's gonna be so romantic,Copy !req
161. just the two of you,Copy !req
162. in a cozy corner boothCopy !req
163. snuggling over a pitcher of margaritas.Copy !req
164. Ooh.Copy !req
165. - Ooh.
- Ooh. Nice.Copy !req
166. This looks like fun.Copy !req
167. What are we fêting?Copy !req
168. And speaking of fêting,Copy !req
169. and, uh, feeling goodCopy !req
170. and other words that startCopy !req
171. with the letter “F"Copy !req
172. um, like fitness...Copy !req
173. Rebecca, how well do
you know White Josh?Copy !req
174. Uh, I barely know him.Copy !req
175. I was just wondering, um,Copy !req
176. do you think he would be open to new...Copy !req
177. clients?Copy !req
178. At the gym, I mean?Copy !req
179. 'Cause, uh, I need a trainer.Copy !req
180. Darryl, I literally know nothingCopy !req
181. about White Josh.Copy !req
182. Why don't you just ask him yourself?Copy !req
183. Okay, okay, I just
thought I'd ask aroundCopy !req
184. before I got in bed with a new person.Copy !req
185. Gym, that is.Copy !req
186. A gym bed, is what I meant.Copy !req
187. You know, there are no beds in gyms.Copy !req
188. Yeah, I think there should be.Copy !req
189. Okay, well, I got to take off.Copy !req
190. Uh, hi, two.Copy !req
191. Oh, sorry.Copy !req
192. We'll have it ready in about 15 minutes.Copy !req
193. Water conspiracy?Copy !req
194. Water Truthers?Copy !req
195. You're nuts, Bert.Copy !req
196. Thank you.Copy !req
197. Hello, so I have a couple questions
about the menu, um... Mm-hmm.Copy !req
198. The El Potato Soupo, is that,
like, a mashed potato dish?Copy !req
199. It's soup.Copy !req
200. Cheesy soup, has a lot
of, like, cheese in it.Copy !req
201. Okay, good to know, that's
maybe a little heavy.Copy !req
202. Now, what about the Quesadilla Saladita.Copy !req
203. What happens there?Copy !req
204. Um, it's a salad with,Copy !req
205. like, stuff on it.Copy !req
206. Okay. Okay, good to
know. That's on the list.Copy !req
207. Uh, now, eventuallyCopy !req
208. at the end of the meal, we're gonna wantCopy !req
209. the passion fruit soufflé,
but I have a query.Copy !req
210. Could I get mangoCopy !req
211. instead of passion
fruit? Because my friendCopy !req
212. who's joining me, he really loves mango.Copy !req
213. - Um...
- Also, hold that answerCopy !req
214. for one second, I thinkCopy !req
215. we're probably gonna want to start outCopy !req
216. with the Margarita Mas Grande,Copy !req
217. with salt on the rim,
but only half of the rim,Copy !req
218. because too much salt
makes my friend bloat.Copy !req
219. I'm gonna give you a few more minutes.Copy !req
220. Okay, great.Copy !req
221. I can't believe this is free.Copy !req
222. - Yeah, I know, right?
- Oh.Copy !req
223. So, as you were saying
about your apartment...Copy !req
224. Oh, yeah, I haven't had
hot water in, like, weeks.Copy !req
225. I'm showering with freezing cold water.Copy !req
226. No hot water, that's terrible.Copy !req
227. You should complain.Copy !req
228. Yeah, I don't like to
complain about stuff.Copy !req
229. Valencia is better at complaining...Copy !req
230. and since she's not on the lease,Copy !req
231. she can't give the landlord a hard time.Copy !req
232. Wait, Valencia's not on the lease?Copy !req
233. She has bad credit.Copy !req
234. She took a loan out to
sell diet supplements,Copy !req
235. and it turned out they
were rat droppings.Copy !req
236. Yeah, gross.Copy !req
237. Man, it's really good to catch up.Copy !req
238. I've, um, I've been
kind of lonely lately.Copy !req
239. Oh, but you're seeing someone...Copy !req
240. Right. Right, right,
right, right, right, Trent.Copy !req
241. Trent. Yes.Copy !req
242. I've been lonely, save for Trent.Copy !req
243. No, Trent's amazing.Copy !req
244. Trent and Rebecca,Copy !req
245. we have the greatest
couple name, actually.Copy !req
246. Trebecca. Oh. Yeah.Copy !req
247. I want to get it monogrammed on a towel.Copy !req
248. Yeah, that sounds romantic.Copy !req
249. Uh, yeah, it's-it's pretty romantic.Copy !req
250. Oh, no, Hector's here.Copy !req
251. Huh?Copy !req
252. Yo.Copy !req
253. I mean, aw, nah, it's Hector.Copy !req
254. - What's up?
- What's up, dude?Copy !req
255. It's so weird that you guys are here.Copy !req
256. Yeah. Huh.Copy !req
257. What? Oh, my God, more people here.Copy !req
258. Oh, oh, oh.Copy !req
259. White Josh,Copy !req
260. and some other guysCopy !req
261. I don't know.Copy !req
262. Hello.Copy !req
263. Such a coinky, yo. Can we join you guys?Copy !req
264. Uh, you know, I just think
this table won't fit...Copy !req
265. Of course! Come on, man.Copy !req
266. Oh, look at that. The tables move.Copy !req
267. You guys just knew that.Copy !req
268. Oh, um, um,Copy !req
269. the coupon doesn't limit
the amount of people, right?Copy !req
270. Nope, whoever made it did
not think that through.Copy !req
271. - Cool.
- Oh, sorry, I'm so rude.Copy !req
272. Um, Becks, you haven't met
Ken and Beans yet, have you?Copy !req
273. Nope.Copy !req
274. Um, Ken, Becks, Beans, Becks.Copy !req
275. Becks, Ken, Becks, Beans.Copy !req
276. - Hi. Okay.
- Oh, wait, Rebecca,Copy !req
277. you went to Beans' party, right?Copy !req
278. You know what, yeah, I did,
first week I was in town.Copy !req
279. Oh, I don't go by Bernard.Copy !req
280. I prefer Beans. It sounds racist,Copy !req
281. but I didn't get the
name 'cause I'm Mexican,Copy !req
282. it's 'cause I organize
meet-and-tradesCopy !req
283. for Beanie Babies.Copy !req
284. Whoa, I'm so
excited about this coupon.Copy !req
285. Let's get the margaritas
that come in a sombrero.Copy !req
286. I'm gonna drink until I die.Copy !req
287. Yeah!Copy !req
288. Time to get drunk!Copy !req
289. Um, hey, hey, Josh...Copy !req
290. So, I just-I just thought this was gonna beCopy !req
291. you and me, hanging out.Copy !req
292. - What?
- I just thought this was gonnaCopy !req
293. be you and me hanging out...Copy !req
294. I-it's fine.Copy !req
295. It's fine.Copy !req
296. Continue. This is fun.Copy !req
297. This is fun. It's fine.Copy !req
298. Dude, can you believe this?Copy !req
299. I had a friend named Jeff once.Copy !req
300. He took bad mushrooms and
jumped off the roof of our dorm.Copy !req
301. Oh, the guac is so spicy.Copy !req
302. Hey, want to grab a drink at the bar?Copy !req
303. Oh, uh, okay.Copy !req
304. Great.Copy !req
305. That's not in Mexico.Copy !req
306. Does the chef know what Mexico is?Copy !req
307. I mean, really, am I-am I crazy?Copy !req
308. There are... I know there are peopleCopy !req
309. of Hispanic descent
working at this restaurant.Copy !req
310. How are they not offendedCopy !req
311. with the bastardization
of their culture?Copy !req
312. Is it just me? Maybe it's just me.Copy !req
313. If... I just... I feel-I feel likeCopy !req
314. I'm being gaslighted by this restaurant.Copy !req
315. There you go.Copy !req
316. I forgot my wallet.Copy !req
317. I only had the nachos.Copy !req
318. I only had, like, one stuffed mushroom.Copy !req
319. Uh, Hector's paying for me actually,Copy !req
320. 'cause he uses my Netflix account.Copy !req
321. I'll... Guys, guys, I got it, I got it.Copy !req
322. Don't worry.Copy !req
323. - Oh, come on.
- What, no...Copy !req
324. - Give me that...
- You ain't got to do all of that.Copy !req
325. No, Ken, Ken, it's really fine.Copy !req
326. I-I-I got it.Copy !req
327. good thing the drinks are free.Copy !req
328. Hmm, you really saved a
ton with that coupon, huh?Copy !req
329. Yeah.Copy !req
330. Oh, man, that was good. Yup.Copy !req
331. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.Copy !req
332. Congratulations.Copy !req
333. What are you... doing?Copy !req
334. Anyone who spends over $600Copy !req
335. gets their picture taken for the wall.Copy !req
336. No...Copy !req
337. Hey, thanks for coming, man.Copy !req
338. Are you kidding?Copy !req
339. I had dieciséis margaritas.Copy !req
340. It was awesome, right?Copy !req
341. Yeah, I just still feel kind
of weird after what happenedCopy !req
342. at Rebecca's apartment the other day.Copy !req
343. So, after I mentioned
dinner, I kind of freaked,Copy !req
344. and that's why I called
you guys for backup.Copy !req
345. Yeah, dude, don't worry about it.Copy !req
346. Say queso.Copy !req
347. Queso.Copy !req
348. I'm sorry, honey.Copy !req
349. I'm sorry the rocket exploded on re-entry.Copy !req
350. Yeah, so, I think we're doneCopy !req
351. with the Apollo 13 references.Copy !req
352. Okay.Copy !req
353. I just want to spend time with him.Copy !req
354. I want so badly to go back
to the way things were.Copy !req
355. But now I freaked him out.Copy !req
356. God, I am so afraid that it's over,Copy !req
357. that things will never be
normal between us ever again.Copy !req
358. Josh just doesn't wantCopy !req
359. to spend time with me anymore.Copy !req
360. Oh, I was so close,Copy !req
361. and now he won't even be alone with me.Copy !req
362. God, I am never alone.Copy !req
363. This client requires so much hand-holding,Copy !req
364. it's like we're married.Copy !req
365. Last week we go to Fresno for a hearing.Copy !req
366. The hotel's overbooked,Copy !req
367. so we get a room with one bed,Copy !req
368. and then I'm between the sheetsCopy !req
369. with his body pressed against mine.Copy !req
370. Oh, last week I saw more of himCopy !req
371. than I did my own wife.Copy !req
372. And I mean literally,Copy !req
373. because I saw him
naked, like, eight times.Copy !req
374. That's genius.Copy !req
375. - We make him a client.
- Client.Copy !req
376. All we need is a case.Copy !req
377. I love it.Copy !req
378. Wait, also...Copy !req
379. I love that we all hadCopy !req
380. the same idea at the same time.Copy !req
381. It's like we're on each
other's mental cycle.Copy !req
382. Totally.Copy !req
383. So, what do we do?Copy !req
384. Uh, what caseCopy !req
385. can you help Josh with?Copy !req
386. Or do we just get him arrested
and then go from there?Copy !req
387. No, come on.Copy !req
388. I'm a member of the bar, I swore an oath.Copy !req
389. Also, I lied to Josh once...Copy !req
390. Once?Copy !req
391. okay, I got caught once
and it was the worst feeling,Copy !req
392. and I'm never doing it again.Copy !req
393. So, no made-up cases.Copy !req
394. Fine, okay, we don't make up anything,Copy !req
395. we find something. Something legit.Copy !req
396. Something you can actually help him with.Copy !req
397. Exactly.Copy !req
398. How...Copy !req
399. do... we...Copy !req
400. do... that?Copy !req
401. Okay, you don't want to lie to him.Copy !req
402. Can we hurt him?Copy !req
403. Just a little bit.Copy !req
404. Like, scalding coffeeCopy !req
405. from a takeout place.Copy !req
406. Or...Copy !req
407. Ooh! He works at that radiology lab.Copy !req
408. Oh, come on, that place
looks like a cancer factory,Copy !req
409. surely he has a tumor somewhere.Copy !req
410. What do tumors cause?Copy !req
411. Water on the brain...Copy !req
412. Water. Wait, I know a real thing.Copy !req
413. Okay, focus, focus.Copy !req
414. Stay focused, you got three more.Copy !req
415. Keep your eyes on me.Copy !req
416. Oh, I am.Copy !req
417. All right. Two.Copy !req
418. Are you breathing?Copy !req
419. I feel like you're not breathing at all.Copy !req
420. - I'm not breathing?
- You're not breathing.Copy !req
421. You know what, let's,
uh, let's take a break.Copy !req
422. - Doing great.
- Okay.Copy !req
423. - I'm gonna-I'm gonna put these down.
- Okay.Copy !req
424. Take 60 seconds.Copy !req
425. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
426. Okay.Copy !req
427. So, when was the last
time we saw each other?Copy !req
428. At your house, the fight.Copy !req
429. Yeah, yeah, well, that-that
was the general event,Copy !req
430. but the specific event was...Copy !req
431. When I kissed you on the cheek?Copy !req
432. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, that was, uh, funny.Copy !req
433. I mean, was that,
like, a European thing,Copy !req
434. or was that something
Hector put you up to?Copy !req
435. No, dude, I'm gay.Copy !req
436. You were being cute, so...Copy !req
437. You're gay?Copy !req
438. No one's ever mentioned that.Copy !req
439. Uh, well, everybody knows.Copy !req
440. - It's not a big deal.
- Oh.Copy !req
441. Okay, it's just... maybe your nicknameCopy !req
442. should be Gay Josh
instead of White Josh,Copy !req
443. because then people
would know what's up.Copy !req
444. Why?Copy !req
445. We don't call Greg, Straight Greg.Copy !req
446. We don't call you, Old Gay Darryl.Copy !req
447. Whoa, what?Copy !req
448. I am not old gay.Copy !req
449. I am not... or gay.Copy !req
450. I'm... divorced.Copy !req
451. I-I'm sorry, I didn't meanCopy !req
452. anything by that, you just...Copy !req
453. No, no... gave me the vibe.Copy !req
454. - No. What-what vibe?
- The gay vibe.Copy !req
455. But I don't understand
why there would be a vibe.Copy !req
456. I like women. I like
sleeping with women.Copy !req
457. I like the way they smell,Copy !req
458. and I like the way that they...Copy !req
459. the-the feel of their skin,Copy !req
460. I like their bird-like voices.Copy !req
461. I mean, does that sound gay?Copy !req
462. Nope.Copy !req
463. Sounds like a serial killer,Copy !req
464. but a straight one, for sure.Copy !req
465. Yeah, a straight ser... What? No.Copy !req
466. You know what, I think
this is enough right now.Copy !req
467. - Okay.
- Because you know what,Copy !req
468. I actually have to return a call Yup.Copy !req
469. To my ex-wife, Sure.Copy !req
470. - Who's a girl.
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
471. - You know?
- No problem.Copy !req
472. We actually reproduced together.Copy !req
473. Okay.Copy !req
474. Cool.Copy !req
475. That's-that's not
something you can do solo.Copy !req
476. That's... a good point.Copy !req
477. That's teamwork.Copy !req
478. So, what is this stupid meeting about?Copy !req
479. Well, I'm here to dis...Copy !req
480. Oh, this is the boyfriend, huh?Copy !req
481. Uh, Trent. His name is Trent,Copy !req
482. - and he went to Harvard.
- Yes.Copy !req
483. Great picture.Copy !req
484. Where was it taken?Copy !req
485. Palm Springs.Copy !req
486. Ah, hm, we just had to spa.Copy !req
487. Okay, let's start this meeting, shall we?Copy !req
488. Great.Copy !req
489. Valencia,Copy !req
490. tell me something.Copy !req
491. Does your ass feel weird right now?Copy !req
492. Joshy, what is she talking about?Copy !req
493. Because you, my friends,
are sitting on a gold mine.Copy !req
494. You remember the other night,Copy !req
495. at that really fun group hang,Copy !req
496. you were telling me about
the lack of hot waterCopy !req
497. - in your apartment.
- Yeah.Copy !req
498. Well, did you know that's
not only an annoyance,Copy !req
499. but it's also a also a violationCopy !req
500. of your contractual tenant rights?Copy !req
501. Get to the point, Harvard.Copy !req
502. My point is, we can sue your landlordCopy !req
503. for all of the back rent that you've paidCopy !req
504. since you moved in, plus damages.Copy !req
505. Whoa, that would be,
like, thousands of dollars.Copy !req
506. Wait a minute. Hold on.Copy !req
507. What's in it for you?Copy !req
508. It's purely a business decision.Copy !req
509. I wouldn't charge you a fee,
I would take a percentage.Copy !req
510. You make money, I make money.Copy !req
511. That's...Copy !req
512. really nice of you.Copy !req
513. We could use the cash, babe.Copy !req
514. Well, great.Copy !req
515. Let's set you up here.Copy !req
516. All I need is both your signaturesCopy !req
517. where it says tenant.Copy !req
518. Um, there's a problem.Copy !req
519. Oh right, I'm-I'm sorry, my mistake,Copy !req
520. Josh mentioned that you,
uh, weren't on the lease.Copy !req
521. Josh, you told her?Copy !req
522. You know how sensitive
I am about the lease.Copy !req
523. It's-it's okay.Copy !req
524. We can just make JoshCopy !req
525. the sole plaintiff, no biggie.Copy !req
526. A-And then we can makeCopy !req
527. thousands of dollars.Copy !req
528. R-right, Rebecca?Copy !req
529. Yes, at least.Copy !req
530. No.Copy !req
531. No, no.Copy !req
532. We're not doing this.Copy !req
533. I don't trust you as
far as I can throw you,Copy !req
534. which is not far,Copy !req
535. because you eat bagels after 8:00 p.m.Copy !req
536. Come on, Josh.Copy !req
537. I'm sorry, that was rude.Copy !req
538. Okay, fine.Copy !req
539. Enjoy your cold showers!Copy !req
540. Yeah, and don't underestimateCopy !req
541. the joy of a midnight bagel.Copy !req
542. Thank you.Copy !req
543. Okay, we did it your way.Copy !req
544. Can we now scald himCopy !req
545. with gas station coffee?Copy !req
546. Man, a settlement could meanCopy !req
547. a lot for me and Valencia.Copy !req
548. She has all this stuff she wants to buy,Copy !req
549. and I want a hoverboard, obviously,Copy !req
550. but I also want to invest in our future.Copy !req
551. Buy a stock.Copy !req
552. Or two stocks.Copy !req
553. How many stocks do people have?Copy !req
554. I don't know, I'm just a kid.Copy !req
555. All I know is, tech is
overvalued right now.Copy !req
556. All right, shh.Copy !req
557. It's Serrano. Okay, don't
tell him any of this.Copy !req
558. He's got lots of opinions
and he's very judgmental.Copy !req
559. Oh, I already told him.Copy !req
560. What? How?Copy !req
561. I've been texting under the tableCopy !req
562. the whole time we were talking.Copy !req
563. I'm a digital addict.Copy !req
564. I diagnosed myself online.Copy !req
565. What are you doing?Copy !req
566. Hey, Greg. You're doing some lawsuitCopy !req
567. with Rebecca about water or something?Copy !req
568. All right, I haven't decided,Copy !req
569. but I can make the decision myself.Copy !req
570. I'm not dumb.Copy !req
571. Dude, this time that'sCopy !req
572. not what I'm saying.Copy !req
573. I haven't said anything because I knowCopy !req
574. you like Rebecca,Copy !req
575. but I've had some serious
doubts for a while now,Copy !req
576. and I just don't want you to
get mixed up in anything...Copy !req
577. Dude, she went to HarvardCopy !req
578. and she thinks Valencia and
I could get a lot of money.Copy !req
579. That's what Satan told Faust.Copy !req
580. Oh, you guys didn't know?Copy !req
581. My school went charter.Copy !req
582. Chan, you're a nice guy.Copy !req
583. You always see things in the best light,Copy !req
584. but Valencia is right.Copy !req
585. Rebecca is into you.Copy !req
586. She always has been.Copy !req
587. She just wants to spend time with you.Copy !req
588. Why can't anyone see that?Copy !req
589. The whole case is just a pretext.Copy !req
590. A pretext.Copy !req
591. Is that like when a little textCopy !req
592. comes out before the real text?Copy !req
593. I learned about that in health class.Copy !req
594. A-alright, I got to go. I have to think.Copy !req
595. I want you to protect yourself, Josh.Copy !req
596. Rebecca is not what she seems to be.Copy !req
597. That thing with the broken glass?Copy !req
598. She was up to something.Copy !req
599. She's too smart.Copy !req
600. She will outsmart you.Copy !req
601. Dude, I can take care of myself.Copy !req
602. I've got a lot of black belts.Copy !req
603. She's not trying to fight you.Copy !req
604. I said I have to think about it.Copy !req
605. I haven't decided what I'm gonna do,Copy !req
606. and I know she has issues,Copy !req
607. and maybe she's a little into me,Copy !req
608. but, you know, most girls in town are.Copy !req
609. Word. Thanks.Copy !req
610. And why are you lecturing me, Serrano?Copy !req
611. You're the one that kept
trying to go out with her.Copy !req
612. I know, I did, but I know better now,Copy !req
613. and I'm with Heather,Copy !req
614. and it's so great not thinkingCopy !req
615. about Rebecca's insanity.Copy !req
616. Okay, nope, you're wrong.Copy !req
617. I just hung with her and I got to say,Copy !req
618. she seems like she's in a good place.Copy !req
619. She's keeping her car in great shape,Copy !req
620. and she's even got a boyfriend
who went to Harvard,Copy !req
621. And has a name that
sounds like a newscaster.Copy !req
622. - Connie Chung?
- Wait.Copy !req
623. - She has a boyfriend?
- Well...Copy !req
624. someone she's seeing. Trent.Copy !req
625. - Their couple name is Trebecca.
- Since when?Copy !req
626. Trent?Copy !req
627. That's the perfect name
for a fake boyfriend.Copy !req
628. Stop it.Copy !req
629. Look, even if you think Rebecca is,Copy !req
630. whatever you think she is,Copy !req
631. you know she's an excellent lawyer,Copy !req
632. really on top of her game.Copy !req
633. Oh, I just love mixed race babies.Copy !req
634. I don't know.Copy !req
635. I still think Jewish and
Filipino is the best mix.Copy !req
636. All right, Paula, come on,
we got to get back to work.Copy !req
637. I mean, Nigerian and
Greek is a close second.Copy !req
638. - Oh, God, that's a beautiful baby.
- Baby.Copy !req
639. - Oh, look at the baby.
- Aw, they're so nice.Copy !req
640. With that little face.Copy !req
641. Oh, my God, I want
that, like, in my womb.Copy !req
642. You know, there are
places that will do that.Copy !req
643. Paula!Copy !req
644. - What!
- Whoa.Copy !req
645. Oh, you okay?Copy !req
646. - You're fine.
- Yeah, nope, good, good, good.Copy !req
647. - Okay, I found...
- What?Copy !req
648. I found something. Call Darryl right now.Copy !req
649. - This will get Josh back on board the caseCopy !req
650. then we can spend more time together.Copy !req
651. Josh.Copy !req
652. Oh.Copy !req
653. W-w-w-w-w-wait, I-I-I have news.Copy !req
654. Where is Josh?Copy !req
655. Josh isn't here,Copy !req
656. and it doesn't matter anyway.Copy !req
657. I'm on to you now.Copy !req
658. I know you're full of
it, and now I have proof.Copy !req
659. Huh, what are you talking about?Copy !req
660. Hey, Greg. What do you mean, proof?Copy !req
661. Tell her, Greg.Copy !req
662. I, um, I looked it up,Copy !req
663. and I read some stuff onlineCopy !req
664. about local tenant laws
capping settlements.Copy !req
665. Okay, I don't really understand all of it.Copy !req
666. Dude, are we not friends anymore?Copy !req
667. Like, are you mad at me?Copy !req
668. Because, and correct me if I'm wrong,Copy !req
669. it seems like you're scheming
behind my back with Valencia.Copy !req
670. Wow.Copy !req
671. I'm sorry, don't you have a life?Copy !req
672. Don't you have a girlfriend?Copy !req
673. I just think there's
something... not right.Copy !req
674. There's a wrongness here.Copy !req
675. Whoa.Copy !req
676. What's everyone dog here?Copy !req
677. Oh, my God, what are you doing here?Copy !req
678. Oh, we just went on a run, dude.Copy !req
679. Will someone tell meCopy !req
680. what's going on here?Copy !req
681. Joshy. Joshy. Josh,
Josh. Don't listen to her.Copy !req
682. What?Copy !req
683. Everyone, listen to Cookie!Copy !req
684. She-she calls me Cookie.Copy !req
685. Okay, so...Copy !req
686. I figured out if I can switch
the case to a county court,Copy !req
687. I can take advantage of a tax loopholeCopy !req
688. in the assessment tax codes.Copy !req
689. Let me sum it up.Copy !req
690. If you get your whole
building to sign up,Copy !req
691. I can get you a crap ton of dough.Copy !req
692. She's right.Copy !req
693. In a suit like this,Copy !req
694. the payout can be huge.Copy !req
695. In Arizona, the tenants gotCopy !req
696. $10 million in an
asbestos liability dispute.Copy !req
697. Or we can call one plumberCopy !req
698. and no one has to go to court.Copy !req
699. Shut up, Greg.Copy !req
700. Josh, listen,Copy !req
701. I need your help to get everyoneCopy !req
702. in this building on board.Copy !req
703. We can do this.Copy !req
704. This is your moment.Copy !req
705. This is your decision.Copy !req
706. What do you say?Copy !req
707. Please, at least just discuss it.Copy !req
708. There is nothing to discuss.Copy !req
709. Okay, we don't even know our neighbors,Copy !req
710. and they clearly are not interestedCopy !req
711. in making any money.Copy !req
712. Don't you get it?Copy !req
713. We're just not interested.Copy !req
714. Josh, if I get everyone else
in the building to sign up,Copy !req
715. will you join?Copy !req
716. Don't do it.Copy !req
717. Josh, I...Copy !req
718. Bye.Copy !req
719. Wow, that is a big bummer.Copy !req
720. No.Copy !req
721. Not a bummer at all.Copy !req
722. Come on, guys.Copy !req
723. Yeah, but she said
the neighbors won't...Copy !req
724. You are Darryl Whitefeather.Copy !req
725. And your peopleCopy !req
726. have been through a lot worseCopy !req
727. than some emaciated
yoga teacher, am I right?Copy !req
728. What do you mean, my people?Copy !req
729. Chippewa, Darryl.Copy !req
730. Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes.Copy !req
731. Those people. Right, right, right.Copy !req
732. Follow my lead.Copy !req
733. Hello, ma'am, my name is
Rebecca Bunch, Esquire,Copy !req
734. and these are my legal associates.Copy !req
735. Hello.Copy !req
736. Tell me, is your hot water out?Copy !req
737. Yeah, but they said
they're going to fix it...Copy !req
738. May I speak to you for a momentCopy !req
739. about an important issue?Copy !req
740. A serious problem threateningCopy !req
741. your right to life, libertyCopy !req
742. - and the pursuit of happiness.
- Um...Copy !req
743. She's right. It's a big-ass problem.Copy !req
744. Okay, sure.Copy !req
745. Yeah, I don't live here.Copy !req
746. Oh.Copy !req
747. Now, it's not just about
the hot water, folksCopy !req
748. If this landlord isn't
taking one measly hourCopy !req
749. out of his day to fix your showers,Copy !req
750. then what's this scumbag doingCopy !req
751. with all your hard earned cash?Copy !req
752. In a hand of Pai GowCopy !req
753. at the Indian casino.Copy !req
754. He's fat-catting itCopy !req
755. at fancy restaurants
like The Olive Garden.Copy !req
756. And Red Lobster.Copy !req
757. Gasp is right.Copy !req
758. Let's make ourselves a case, folks!Copy !req
759. Can I get one of these?Copy !req
760. Absolutely, here you go.Copy !req
761. Josh, I got everyone on board.Copy !req
762. What do you say?Copy !req
763. Don't let her manipulate you.Copy !req
764. Yeah, you're too smart for this.Copy !req
765. Is he?Copy !req
766. Josh and I are gonna
spend a lot of time together today.Copy !req
767. Josh is here.Copy !req
768. Oh. Josh is here.Copy !req
769. Okay. Here, no, let the girls out.Copy !req
770. There we go.Copy !req
771. Okay, fluff them up.Copy !req
772. Oh, okay. Get-get them
up there. Oh, God...Copy !req
773. See, people think they're
fake, but when you get up close,Copy !req
774. you realize no human could design these.Copy !req
775. Oh, thank you.Copy !req
776. People think they're fake?Copy !req
777. Gym business.Copy !req
778. Ah. White Joshua, I
just wanted to inform youCopy !req
779. that I am not going to be
training with you anymore.Copy !req
780. In the future,Copy !req
781. my fitness will be coming here,Copy !req
782. courtesy of the cardio mambo class.Copy !req
783. Here, we leave our sneakers
and our assumptions by the door.Copy !req
784. Well, near the door.Copy !req
785. In the little cubbies.Copy !req
786. Cool, cool, cool.Copy !req
787. No better way to prove to
yourself you're straightCopy !req
788. than a barefoot, cardio mambo class.Copy !req
789. Nothing to prove.Copy !req
790. Tanya, want to stretch?Copy !req
791. Last time, guys.Copy !req
792. Right.Copy !req
793. Getting sweaty, guys.Copy !req
794. And squeeze.Copy !req
795. Squeeze, and squeeze, and hop.Copy !req
796. And... squeeze.Copy !req
797. And squeeze, again.Copy !req
798. Big finish.Copy !req
799. Now, pose.Copy !req
800. Oh, my God, could I be...Copy !req
801. Bye. Bye.Copy !req
802. Bye. Bye.Copy !req
803. Bye. Bye.Copy !req
804. You're bi, Darryl.Copy !req
805. What?Copy !req
806. I said, yerba maté tea.Copy !req
807. Mmm, I want one.Copy !req
808. Oh, my gosh, you can draw that upside down?Copy !req
809. Isn't that weird?Copy !req
810. That's like really good.
I'm like-I'm like amazing.Copy !req
811. Oh, thank you very much Oh.Copy !req
812. Josh, would you like flat or bubbles?Copy !req
813. Oh, uh, no bubbles.Copy !req
814. Uh, they give me dem burps.Copy !req
815. Oh...Copy !req
816. Anyway, we should get, um,Copy !req
817. back to the zoning ordinances.Copy !req
818. So, uh, the next thing to doCopy !req
819. is file this paperwork with the city.Copy !req
820. But more importantly,
we have to decide whatCopy !req
821. we're eating for dinner
tonight. I'm starving.Copy !req
822. All right, let's see...Copy !req
823. So, yesterday we had Middle Eastern,Copy !req
824. this morning we had Boba delivered...Copy !req
825. I liked that a lot...Copy !req
826. And then we had Ethiopian...Copy !req
827. Yeah, this case is gonna make us very...Copy !req
828. well-rounded.Copy !req
829. Well-rounded, I love that.Copy !req
830. You like that?Copy !req
831. I'm having the best time.Copy !req
832. Yeah.Copy !req
833. Sorry, um, Rebecca,Copy !req
834. you have a call on line five.Copy !req
835. Hey, Paula, where's a good
Italian place around here,Copy !req
836. something, like, Northern.Copy !req
837. It's the landlord from Josh's building.Copy !req
838. Oh. Oh, he must be running scared.Copy !req
839. Okay, watch this, Josh.Copy !req
840. I'm gonna put on my lawyer voice.Copy !req
841. Well, well, well,Copy !req
842. the day of reckoning has arrived.Copy !req
843. Your reignCopy !req
844. of terror will soon be over,Copy !req
845. Mr. Edward B. Greyson, and...Copy !req
846. What?Copy !req
847. What's wrong?Copy !req
848. Shh.Copy !req
849. Did we lose the case?Copy !req
850. We haven't been to court yet, Pun'kin.Copy !req
851. Oh.Copy !req
852. Well, I'm gonna have to get back to you.Copy !req
853. He, um, he wants to settle.Copy !req
854. Take it.Copy !req
855. Take it, take it, take it.Copy !req
856. Wha... how did you hear me?Copy !req
857. Oh, well, I had the little
glass against the wall.Copy !req
858. How much? How much? How much?Copy !req
859. I mean, the amount doesn't really matter.Copy !req
860. Uh, yeah, it does.Copy !req
861. Fine, he-he was willing
to settle for a million.Copy !req
862. A million dollars?Copy !req
863. We each get $1 million?Copy !req
864. No, Pun'kin, it's got to be spread outCopy !req
865. amongst all the litigants,Copy !req
866. but still, it's-it comes to comes to, like,Copy !req
867. 10,000 bucks each, right?Copy !req
868. Huzzah!Copy !req
869. This case is over.Copy !req
870. Yeah, I'm gonna turn it down.Copy !req
871. - What?
- What?Copy !req
872. What?Copy !req
873. George.Copy !req
874. Oh. We talked about this.Copy !req
875. Sorry.Copy !req
876. I know.Copy !req
877. Guys, don't worry, I know
exactly what I'm doing.Copy !req
878. Just let me think about this for a second.Copy !req
879. Paula, come into my office.Copy !req
880. Paula, this case can't be over,Copy !req
881. because Josh and I are
having the best time.Copy !req
882. Like, today we put
popcorn in the microwave,Copy !req
883. and then he showed me how to putCopy !req
884. Parmesan and garlic flakes on it,Copy !req
885. and we made, like, an
Italian popcorn thing,Copy !req
886. and it was, like, the best
thing I've ever had, soCopy !req
887. I'm gonna figure something out,
I'm gonna figure something out.Copy !req
888. Okay, babe, babe,
babe, you're spiraling.Copy !req
889. Let me think, let me think.Copy !req
890. That landlord would not have ponied upCopy !req
891. such a big settlement offerCopy !req
892. if there wasn't something under this.Copy !req
893. Something's going on.Copy !req
894. Something with the water in this city.Copy !req
895. And I'm going to figure out what it is.Copy !req
896. How are you going to do that?Copy !req
897. Water conspiracy,
water conspiracy, water conspiracy.Copy !req
898. Where in town can I buy
fly-fishing equipment?Copy !req
899. - What?
- Just answer me.Copy !req
900. Purely Sports on East Cameron.Copy !req
901. Great.Copy !req
902. I really have to talk to
you. We're not gonna settle?Copy !req
903. What are we going to do?Copy !req
904. Rebecca, we really need that money.Copy !req
905. I'm going to make you more money. What?Copy !req
906. Darryl, how does your ass feel?Copy !req
907. What?Copy !req
908. Come with me.Copy !req
909. I don't know why we
had to meet in a garage.Copy !req
910. I need your help.Copy !req
911. You're the only oneCopy !req
912. who sees through Rebecca like I do.Copy !req
913. What do you want me to do?Copy !req
914. I can't prove she's lying.Copy !req
915. That's okay.Copy !req
916. I have evidence that she's lying.Copy !req
917. Look at this.Copy !req
918. I'm telling you.Copy !req
919. That bitch cray.Copy !req
920. Tell him, Bert.Copy !req
921. The Los Angeles county water systemCopy !req
922. is a complex creature.Copy !req
923. Now, we're surrounded by water, of course,Copy !req
924. but until those Israelis
learn out how to desalinate,Copy !req
925. we're up crap's creek,Copy !req
926. scrabbling around buying
water from Colorado.Copy !req
927. You look confused, let me explain.Copy !req
928. So, Bert is a...Copy !req
929. disgruntled... ex-utility employee,Copy !req
930. Very much. Who's the leader of a groupCopy !req
931. of water conspiracy theoristsCopy !req
932. known as the Water Truthers.Copy !req
933. I dismissed him at first,Copy !req
934. as I do most conspiracy theories,Copy !req
935. but I looked into it, and, well...Copy !req
936. his theories hold water.Copy !req
937. Damn straight they do!Copy !req
938. - We're here.
- Where?Copy !req
939. This manhole here is a
secret, central entranceCopy !req
940. which leads down into the entire system.Copy !req
941. - Watch your toes.
- Ooh.Copy !req
942. So, this is like...Copy !req
943. the vagina of the system.Copy !req
944. It's a manhole.Copy !req
945. So, this manhole is a vagina.Copy !req
946. You're saying a lot of crazy stuff.Copy !req
947. Now come on, let's see howCopy !req
948. the corporate Illuminati control liquid.Copy !req
949. This here is the centralCopy !req
950. switching station for West Covina.Copy !req
951. Now, as you can see,
some of these pipes,Copy !req
952. like this one here,Copy !req
953. is being siphoned off.Copy !req
954. That means that there's
a lack of water pressure,Copy !req
955. which causes water
heaters to under-perform,Copy !req
956. since they're only triggeredCopy !req
957. at a certain pound-per-square-inch number.Copy !req
958. It's the age-old trick.Copy !req
959. You steal a little bit from everybody,Copy !req
960. nobody notices...Copy !req
961. except ol' Bert here.Copy !req
962. These pipes wereCopy !req
963. designed to supply water
throughout the county,Copy !req
964. so they go both ways.Copy !req
965. Both ways. Interesting.Copy !req
966. Yeah, but as you can see fromCopy !req
967. this gauge right here,
the water's being forcedCopy !req
968. to go only one way.Copy !req
969. Well, that's not fair.Copy !req
970. Exactly.Copy !req
971. The water in these pipes
want to go every which way.Copy !req
972. Yes, yes, it does, and
it has every right to.Copy !req
973. You're really into this water, Darryl.Copy !req
974. Well, I'm fascinated. Okay.Copy !req
975. The water is being diverted
away from the San Gabriel ValleyCopy !req
976. and towards Los Angeles.Copy !req
977. Wait, but who would do that?Copy !req
978. They're called Greater City Water,Copy !req
979. a conglomerate of utility companies,Copy !req
980. reservoirs and aqueduct ownersCopy !req
981. working in cahoots with local landlords.Copy !req
982. S-so, you're saying...Copy !req
983. I'm saying that it's not
just about one landlord,Copy !req
984. it's about the entireCopy !req
985. San Gabriel Valley being exploitedCopy !req
986. by a corporation worth billions.Copy !req
987. And if they're worth billions,Copy !req
988. then they can be sued for billions.Copy !req
989. Yes.Copy !req
990. And if they can be sued for billions,Copy !req
991. then that means Josh and
I are gonna eat Peruvian,Copy !req
992. and Sicilian pizzaCopy !req
993. at the Poutine Place.Copy !req
994. Ooh, at the Greek place,
at the mac and cheese place.Copy !req
995. There's a rib place,Copy !req
996. there's also a good poke place.Copy !req
997. Anyway, oh, I should go.Copy !req
998. Me, too.Copy !req
999. Cool, I'm just gonna goCopy !req
1000. back in my hole and eat some rats.Copy !req
1001. Uh, here we go.Copy !req
1002. Hi. Whoa, what are you wearing?Copy !req
1003. Fly-fishing gear.Copy !req
1004. What are you wearing, dude?Copy !req
1005. Oh, uh, fly-fishing gear.Copy !req
1006. Okay, so, I found sod thing out.Copy !req
1007. I found something out.Copy !req
1008. So did I.Copy !req
1009. Trent?Copy !req
1010. Now, it's true, I'm not gay.Copy !req
1011. I, Darryl Whitefeather...Copy !req
1012. I like both sexes.Copy !req
1013. I'm a both sexual.Copy !req
1014. Oh, God, it feels so good
to just say that out loud.Copy !req
1015. The term is, uh, bisex...Copy !req
1016. Mm.Copy !req
1017. Bisexual.Copy !req
1018. That was fun.Copy !req
1019. Oh, Rebecca, perfect timing.Copy !req
1020. Trent just got hereCopy !req
1021. five seconds ago.Copy !req
1022. Trent, baby.Copy !req
1023. It's so good to see you.Copy !req
1024. Oh, I'm
so glad you're here.Copy !req
1025. Okay, let's hear it for window washer...Copy !req
1026. Gossip Fridays.Copy !req
1027. Oh, wait, who has got the biggest scoopCopy !req
1028. from their work this week?Copy !req
1029. Mm. Oh, there's a prostituteCopy !req
1030. breaking up marriages all over town.Copy !req
1031. Okay, well I've got more
news about Rebecca and Josh.Copy !req
1032. Oh, my God, you mean the crazy chick?Copy !req
1033. Excuse me, where do you
get off calling her crazy?Copy !req
1034. When Jerome broke up with you,Copy !req
1035. it wasn't exactly Sane City.Copy !req
1036. You left streaks on every
skyscraper in Burbank.Copy !req
1037. You said you'd never mention that again.Copy !req
1038. Guess not.Copy !req
1039. — Synced and corrected by ChrisKe —
— www.addic7ed.com —Copy !req