1. Previously on "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend"...Copy !req
2. What you said, about believing in me,Copy !req
3. about truly understanding who I am...Copy !req
4. No one has everCopy !req
5. said anything like that about me.Copy !req
6. That means so much.Copy !req
7. You have no idea.Copy !req
8. A kiss on the cheek meansCopy !req
9. everything.Copy !req
10. You and Josh, your love story?Copy !req
11. It gives me hope.Copy !req
12. My marriage is likeCopy !req
13. The Walking Dead, okay?Copy !req
14. We are all just trying to get out alive.Copy !req
15. So Paula came home a couple weeks ago...Copy !req
16. I remember she was all dressed up...Copy !req
17. And said she was unhappy, uh...Copy !req
18. Dude...Copy !req
19. Sorry, man.Copy !req
20. My aim's really off today.Copy !req
21. Please continue, Scott.Copy !req
22. I thought maybe we should talk to someone.Copy !req
23. Uh, but not a shrink.Copy !req
24. We're from Buffalo.Copy !req
25. We don't like the touchy-feely stuff.Copy !req
26. And you, Paula?Copy !req
27. You still feeling unhappy?Copy !req
28. Look, Scott and I understand each other.Copy !req
29. And that's enough.Copy !req
30. So I-I don't want to rock the boat.Copy !req
31. You know, we rock the
boat and then we'll just...Copy !req
32. we'll flip the whole thing.Copy !req
33. Paula, if you don't deal
with your unhappiness,Copy !req
34. problems only grow.Copy !req
35. At that point,Copy !req
36. forget about flipping the boat,Copy !req
37. you're putting a hole right in the boat.Copy !req
38. That's classic self-sabotage.Copy !req
39. Babe, we're sinking.Copy !req
40. Let's do whatever he says.Copy !req
41. What should we do, Mr. Brah?Copy !req
42. Please, Mr. Brah was my father.Copy !req
43. I'm Father Brah.Copy !req
44. And I'm just going to give
you some simple homework.Copy !req
45. Go home.Copy !req
46. Have dinner, alone,Copy !req
47. just the two of you.Copy !req
48. Look into each other's eyesCopy !req
49. and really connect with each other.Copy !req
50. Can you do that?Copy !req
51. For me?Copy !req
52. And for God?Copy !req
53. Wow, you do that?Copy !req
54. You pull the God card that easy?Copy !req
55. I'm a priest, Paula.Copy !req
56. What other cards you think I got?Copy !req
57. Scott, Paula...Copy !req
58. be the boat, not the hole.Copy !req
59. Nobody likes a hole.Copy !req
60. Everybody likes a swoosh!Copy !req
61. It's really off today.Copy !req
62. What up, God?Copy !req
63. Yo.Copy !req
64. Yo. Cool.Copy !req
65. Um... haven't seen you in a while.Copy !req
66. Yeah...Copy !req
67. I've been avoiding you.Copy !req
68. Okay. By dating my next-door neighborCopy !req
69. and then showing up at my door?Copy !req
70. Heather said you had something for her?Copy !req
71. Oh, yeah, uh, she's borrowing my hard driveCopy !req
72. for her coding class. I'll get it.Copy !req
73. Good.Copy !req
74. Looks nice in here.Copy !req
75. You decorated.Copy !req
76. Some succulents, some
candles, you hung the fish...Copy !req
77. So, you and Heather.Copy !req
78. Yeah...Copy !req
79. That's still a thang?Copy !req
80. Yeah, it's a bit of a “thang.”Copy !req
81. Good, good.Copy !req
82. I'm very glad that you
found a mating partner.Copy !req
83. Why do you care about
my “mating” choices?Copy !req
84. I don't. I don't care!Copy !req
85. And I think I've shown that consistently.Copy !req
86. Here you go. Here's the...Copy !req
87. here's the hard drive.Copy !req
88. Oh, and, uh, tell HeatherCopy !req
89. not to open the folder
that says “Taxes.”Copy !req
90. If she's looking for porn,Copy !req
91. there's a folder that says “Porn.”Copy !req
92. Got it. Lovely.Copy !req
93. Yeah. Thank you so much.Copy !req
94. They're the good kind, with plots.Copy !req
95. That's why the hard drive is so big.Copy !req
96. He's not listening.Copy !req
97. All right, Brosefs, here's the deal.Copy !req
98. I got a big presentation coming up,Copy !req
99. and I am dragging, so I'm gonna getCopy !req
100. a triple red-eye with an extra shotCopy !req
101. in the Olson Twin Size.Copy !req
102. “The plaintiff in the case is entitledCopy !req
103. “to collect back rent on
the property and in addition,Copy !req
104. “the defendant is liable for
court costs and interest accruedCopy !req
105. in the period of June 2013.”Copy !req
106. “Also, the plaintiff wants a
back massage and a smoothie.”Copy !req
107. Oh, my God, you're so funny!Copy !req
108. I love you...Copy !req
109. your... sense of humor!Copy !req
110. Oh, so...Copy !req
111. How are you?Copy !req
112. Good. I, uh...Copy !req
113. you know, I keep thinking about campCopy !req
114. and just how much fun we had.Copy !req
115. Yeah, me too.Copy !req
116. - That campfire was so nice.
- Yeah.Copy !req
117. Yeah.Copy !req
118. Oh, wow.Copy !req
119. Uh, so do you have, like, a...Copy !req
120. a “recital” today?Copy !req
121. Nah, just regular class.Copy !req
122. Hey, do you know what time it is?Copy !req
123. Yeah. Uh, let's see...Copy !req
124. - It is 3:08.
- Thanks.Copy !req
125. I left my phone at home.Copy !req
126. I feel so... naked.Copy !req
127. Like buck naked.Copy !req
128. Mmm.Copy !req
129. Well, um, I gotta go.Copy !req
130. Oh. Bye! Sorry, but...Copy !req
131. Yeah, bye.Copy !req
132. It was good seeing you.Copy !req
133. Bye.Copy !req
134. - Bye.
- Bye.Copy !req
135. This case is aboutCopy !req
136. taking responsibility for one's actions.Copy !req
137. About following through on a promiseCopy !req
138. regardless of the consequences.Copy !req
139. And therefore, the defendant must doCopy !req
140. what the law requiresCopy !req
141. and must assume all fiduciary
responsibilities in this matter.Copy !req
142. Okay.Copy !req
143. Well-argued, Miss Bunch.Copy !req
144. Over to you, Miss Cavanaugh.Copy !req
145. Your Honor, my argument todayCopy !req
146. centers on three essential principlesCopy !req
147. contained in the municipal
real estate code...Copy !req
148. The same three codes that my client upheldCopy !req
149. in regards to the property in question,Copy !req
150. 533 East Cameron.Copy !req
151. The written agreementCopy !req
152. between my clientCopy !req
153. and the plaintiffCopy !req
154. stipulates that the lease paymentCopy !req
155. is due by the fifth of every month.Copy !req
156. Section F, line 37.Copy !req
157. And any day beyond the
fifth, a fee of $3,500Copy !req
158. will incur... Section F,Copy !req
159. line 39.Copy !req
160. My client has followed protocolCopy !req
161. and issued numerous
written and verbal warningsCopy !req
162. to procure the delinquent monies,Copy !req
163. - specifying failure of paymentCopy !req
164. - would result in immediateCopy !req
165. - termination of the property lease,Copy !req
166. - adhering to the formalitiesCopy !req
167. - outlined in Section G, line four.Copy !req
168. - The recent lease termination by my clientCopy !req
169. makes the plaintiff and
his employees squatters.Copy !req
170. These charges should be dropped immediatelyCopy !req
171. and stricken from the court records.Copy !req
172. So you see,Copy !req
173. Your Honor, the, uh...Copy !req
174. the conclusion is clear.Copy !req
175. All right. Strong argument.Copy !req
176. What's your response, Miss Bunch?Copy !req
177. Miss Bunch?Copy !req
178. You didn't get it?Copy !req
179. What?Copy !req
180. I'm sorry, I-I have to, um...Copy !req
181. I have to examine just a piece ofCopy !req
182. essential evidence.Copy !req
183. This'll only... take a second.Copy !req
184. No...Copy !req
185. Miss Bunch?Copy !req
186. Rebecca, what's wrong?Copy !req
187. Miss Bunch?Copy !req
188. Mother...Copy !req
189. Um... what's wrong?Copy !req
190. Is everything okay, Miss Bunch?Copy !req
191. Your Honor...Copy !req
192. I'd like to request a temporary stayCopy !req
193. in this matter.Copy !req
194. What?Copy !req
195. Uh, it is an emergency.Copy !req
196. Your Honor, this is highly unprofessional.Copy !req
197. Uh, yeah.Copy !req
198. Okay, cookie, you don't have to lie.Copy !req
199. These are good people.Copy !req
200. I-I've known Harry forever,
I-I mentored Connie.Copy !req
201. They're gonna understand.Copy !req
202. What? Understand what?Copy !req
203. You guys, look at this.Copy !req
204. She just accidentally textedCopy !req
205. her ex-boyfriend from summer campCopy !req
206. who she's secretly in love with,Copy !req
207. moved here for...Copy !req
208. Oh, and by the way, has a
serious live-in girlfriend.Copy !req
209. Paula! What...Copy !req
210. Oh, my God.Copy !req
211. What is this about?Copy !req
212. Look, Miss Bunch, I can't grant you a stay.Copy !req
213. You gotta take care of this right away.Copy !req
214. You take the rest of the day off.Copy !req
215. Yes, what can we do to help?Copy !req
216. Check this out, Connie.Copy !req
217. Oh.Copy !req
218. Oh, this is a disaster.Copy !req
219. What are you gonna do?Copy !req
220. Forget this stupid case,Copy !req
221. we've gotta figure out how to spin this.Copy !req
222. No, let me see that.Copy !req
223. Girl, this is a living nightmare!Copy !req
224. What if we spin it as a joke?Copy !req
225. Oh, ha, ha, ha,Copy !req
226. it's opposite day.Copy !req
227. No one does opposite day
anymore, Harry, what are we?Copy !req
228. Fourth graders in 1995?Copy !req
229. Well, I don't know! I'm panicking!Copy !req
230. And I'm the only one
brainstorming here, Connie!Copy !req
231. Maybe she blames the phone company.Copy !req
232. I know! She could say she got hacked.Copy !req
233. No. No, there's only one option here.Copy !req
234. Witness protection.Copy !req
235. - Burn it all down. Start a new life.
- Oh, my... come on!Copy !req
236. Okay, all right. Everybody just calm down.Copy !req
237. We just have to get to his
phone before he sees it.Copy !req
238. Ugh, but he's on the
thing all the time. Dammit!Copy !req
239. Wait! Oh, my God!Copy !req
240. Guys, I just remembered something!Copy !req
241. He doesn't have his phone with him.Copy !req
242. Yeah, he accidentally left it at homeCopy !req
243. while he's at Tae Kwan Do.Copy !req
244. Tae Kwan Duh!Copy !req
245. That is your answer, girl!Copy !req
246. You have got to get to that apartment.Copy !req
247. Wait! What if Velveeta is there?Copy !req
248. His girlfriend.Copy !req
249. No, no. No.Copy !req
250. Valencia's not there.Copy !req
251. She teaches yoga back-to-back today,Copy !req
252. so I have a window of, like, three hours.Copy !req
253. So the first thing we do
when we get to Josh's houseCopy !req
254. is we look for his spare key.Copy !req
255. He got locked out one time and...Copy !req
256. I can't go with you.Copy !req
257. What?Copy !req
258. Yeah, I know!Copy !req
259. I'm having dinner with Scott at home.Copy !req
260. What?Copy !req
261. I'm sorry.Copy !req
262. But it is a big deal.Copy !req
263. It's like our whole marriageCopy !req
264. is in a boat and God is
watching or something.Copy !req
265. But you go!Copy !req
266. Go to his apartment right now!Copy !req
267. Yes! Go as fast as your
tiny little legs will carry you!Copy !req
268. Go! I'll get you a police escort!Copy !req
269. Come on! Just go, go, go!Copy !req
270. Thank you, officers!Copy !req
271. Good luck, Rebecca!Copy !req
272. Wait, what about...Copy !req
273. All due respect.Copy !req
274. Um, I want to go with...Copy !req
275. You fools, it doesn't
matter what it's called.Copy !req
276. That's right, it's me,
the ghost of Steve Jobs.Copy !req
277. What matters is that I control
your lives from the grave.Copy !req
278. Technology is slowly alienating
everyone from their loved ones.Copy !req
279. And when you send a few
words to the wrong recipientCopy !req
280. and it immediately
destroys your entire life,Copy !req
281. that's called a...Copy !req
282. Guys, what about that lawyer chick?Copy !req
283. We've gotten really off track.Copy !req
284. Yes!Copy !req
285. Text-mergency just flows.Copy !req
286. No, dude, text-tastrophe.Copy !req
287. It's what it is. Dude, she's totally right.Copy !req
288. Text-scuse me?Copy !req
289. Okay.Copy !req
290. Pass-code, shoot.Copy !req
291. Uh... uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.Copy !req
292. Jesus's birthday?Copy !req
293. 12-25, no.Copy !req
294. Uh, last four of social?Copy !req
295. 3-1-2-4,
no.Copy !req
296. Valencia's birthday?Copy !req
297. Let's see, it's 5-5... 5-5-8-8.Copy !req
298. Yes! Oh, God, he really loves her.Copy !req
299. Okay.Copy !req
300. Text messages.Copy !req
301. “Rebecca Bunch,” ooh, that's a bad one.Copy !req
302. All right.Copy !req
303. Honey, you heard what Father Brah said.Copy !req
304. We need to really connect.Copy !req
305. Put the phone away.Copy !req
306. You're right.Copy !req
307. You're absolutely right.Copy !req
308. Okay, let's do this, let's... connect.Copy !req
309. You blinked. I win.Copy !req
310. I-I don't think that's what
we're supposed to be doing.Copy !req
311. I don't know what we're
supposed to be doing.Copy !req
312. Maybe we should hold hands.Copy !req
313. Okay.Copy !req
314. You know, mine is really good.Copy !req
315. Do you want to try it?Copy !req
316. Sure.Copy !req
317. Uh, okay.Copy !req
318. Mmm.Copy !req
319. This is nice.Copy !req
320. Yep.Copy !req
321. Josh.Copy !req
322. What are you... ?Copy !req
323. Oh... my God, thank God you're back.Copy !req
324. What's going on?Copy !req
325. Uh, how did you get in here?Copy !req
326. How does anyone get in anywhere?Copy !req
327. It's like we're there, and then we're here.Copy !req
328. Aah, God.Copy !req
329. What?Copy !req
330. Okay, slow down, slow down, slow down.Copy !req
331. Just slow down.Copy !req
332. Okay, uh, give me a second
to just get my story straight.Copy !req
333. Did you break in?Copy !req
334. Break-in, yes, there was a break-in.Copy !req
335. But not here, not here, never here.Copy !req
336. - What?
- Okay.Copy !req
337. So I was in my, uh, apartment,Copy !req
338. and, uh, somebody did the thing that you...Copy !req
339. you were just saying, the
thing that you were just saying.Copy !req
340. - They broke in?
- Yes.Copy !req
341. Yes, you're so good. We
should have a charades night.Copy !req
342. - Okay, Rebecca...
- I haven't seen anyone since the beach.Copy !req
343. Rebecca, wait, wait, someone
broke into your house?Copy !req
344. Yes, yes, they broke in,
and, um, they-they smashed it,Copy !req
345. uh, with a big...Copy !req
346. - Rock.
- Yes.Copy !req
347. You're so good at this.Copy !req
348. We should do teams of two.Copy !req
349. When are you next free?Copy !req
350. Wait, wait, Rebecca, Rebecca.Copy !req
351. Just hold yourself together.Copy !req
352. Did you call the police?Copy !req
353. No, no, no cops.Copy !req
354. No, didn't call the police.Copy !req
355. So why are you here?Copy !req
356. Slow down!Copy !req
357. Okay, so after I couldn't reach you,Copy !req
358. I came here to be with
you and your girlfriend.Copy !req
359. All right, all right, all right.Copy !req
360. - So take a deep breath.
- Okay.Copy !req
361. I'm gonna say this as slowly as possible.Copy !req
362. Okay.Copy !req
363. Okay, so someone used a rockCopy !req
364. and broke into your apartment?Copy !req
365. Was-was anything taken?Copy !req
366. No. No, just the rock through the window.Copy !req
367. So I was scared, and I came here,Copy !req
368. and the door was unlocked.Copy !req
369. Oh, man.Copy !req
370. I mean, you know, I do that sometimes.Copy !req
371. Did I leave the fridge open, too?Copy !req
372. Yes, you did, and I closed it,
and I saved a lot of cold cuts.Copy !req
373. Geez. Uh, you know what, thank you.Copy !req
374. L-Look, okay, you're really upset.Copy !req
375. Yeah, I-I am really upset.Copy !req
376. You know what, I'm probably...
I'm probably overreacting.Copy !req
377. It's not a big deal. I'm
gonna get out of your hair.Copy !req
378. Wait.Copy !req
379. Yeah?Copy !req
380. I don't feel okay about this.Copy !req
381. You don't?Copy !req
382. Of course not.Copy !req
383. Look at you.Copy !req
384. I can't send you home alone.Copy !req
385. Look how scared you are.Copy !req
386. You look like a tiny scared little bird.Copy !req
387. I do?Copy !req
388. Josh, I, um...Copy !req
389. I'm so sorry that I
just came in your house.Copy !req
390. No. No, it's okay, you were scared.Copy !req
391. Look, why don't we go back to your place,Copy !req
392. and I'll make sure it's all okay.Copy !req
393. Thank you, Josh.Copy !req
394. I'm not scared anymore.Copy !req
395. And we'll get that broken
window fixed, right?Copy !req
396. Mmm, broken window.Copy !req
397. Broken window.Copy !req
398. Yes...Copy !req
399. Yes.Copy !req
400. Cool, let me just change.Copy !req
401. Great, and, hey, shower
if you're feeling it.Copy !req
402. No rush.Copy !req
403. It's really... really no rush.Copy !req
404. God, Paula, I hope your
marriage is fixed by now.Copy !req
405. Ugh, just push it through.Copy !req
406. No, no, we can save the cork.Copy !req
407. No, we can't.Copy !req
408. Be realistic, okay?Copy !req
409. We just got to push the cork throughCopy !req
410. and drink the wine with dirty
little pieces of cork in it.Copy !req
411. Is it great? No, but that's life.Copy !req
412. I am not going to answer that.Copy !req
413. Nope.Copy !req
414. I just hope it doesn't have
something to do with the kids.Copy !req
415. They're upstairs.Copy !req
416. That's right.Copy !req
417. And you know how much trouble
they can get into upstairs.Copy !req
418. I'm just gonna check,
just for peace of mind.Copy !req
419. Oh, it's my mom.Copy !req
420. Something must be wrong.Copy !req
421. It's so late up in Buffalo.Copy !req
422. Her-her gout must be bothering her.Copy !req
423. Mom, everything okay?Copy !req
424. Joints flaring up?Copy !req
425. Hi. So, okay, Josh caught
me coming in his house,Copy !req
426. and I started panicking,Copy !req
427. and I told him that
we'd be good at charades,Copy !req
428. and now he's being all
protective and masculine...Copy !req
429. He smells like karate, and I love it...Copy !req
430. And he's getting dressed now,Copy !req
431. so what I need you to do is
I need you to go to my house,Copy !req
432. stop what you're doing, and throw a rockCopy !req
433. through my sliding glass
door right now, okay?Copy !req
434. Copy that.Copy !req
435. Did you say “copy that” to your mom?Copy !req
436. Yes, I have to make copies
for her health insurance.Copy !req
437. Okay, yeah, that's enough.Copy !req
438. Who calls you all the time?Copy !req
439. You think I haven't noticed?Copy !req
440. What's really going on?Copy !req
441. I don't have time for this, Scott, okay?Copy !req
442. I got to go.Copy !req
443. I'll be back in an hour, tops.Copy !req
444. It's the Peewee football coach, isn't it?Copy !req
445. I see him coming back for secondsCopy !req
446. when you bring the orange slices.Copy !req
447. Oh, my God, no.Copy !req
448. Scott, uh, look, I have to go.Copy !req
449. Paula, if you walk out
that door without me,Copy !req
450. you're rocking the boat
in the bad way. Big time.Copy !req
451. Ugh, fine.Copy !req
452. Come with me then, okay?Copy !req
453. But you... you cannot
ask any questions, okay?Copy !req
454. All right, let's go clean
up some broken glass.Copy !req
455. Hey, uh, first, can I
just get a glass of water?Copy !req
456. - Uh, sure.
- Thanks.Copy !req
457. And, uh, a toast with almond butter?Copy !req
458. And a sliced apple cut
into... very tiny slices.Copy !req
459. I know I'm not supposed
to ask any questions,Copy !req
460. but can I ask what you're looking for?Copy !req
461. Yeah, I need a rock,
like, a nice-sized one.Copy !req
462. Can I help you look?Copy !req
463. Uh, okay sure.Copy !req
464. I mean, uh, if you want to.Copy !req
465. Awesome.Copy !req
466. First I got to use the bathroom.Copy !req
467. You know how my body deals with excitement.Copy !req
468. Okay, use the sliding glass
door, it's always open.Copy !req
469. But hurry up, okay?Copy !req
470. Be right back.Copy !req
471. Oh, God, I just need a rock.Copy !req
472. I hate Southern California!Copy !req
473. No rocks, no dirt, no sticks!Copy !req
474. Paula, look.Copy !req
475. Oh, my God, babe, it's beautiful.Copy !req
476. It's textbook.Copy !req
477. It's like the image you getCopy !req
478. when you Google the word “rock"Copy !req
479. Now what do we do?Copy !req
480. Go, go, go, go, go!Copy !req
481. Go, go!Copy !req
482. Go, go, go, go, go!Copy !req
483. Chuck it!Copy !req
484. What?Copy !req
485. Scott, throw it through the window.Copy !req
486. I can't throw it...Copy !req
487. Scott, the boat is sinking.Copy !req
488. Throw the rock through the widow!Copy !req
489. I can't believe we did that.Copy !req
490. Uh, what else can we break?Copy !req
491. Oh, I still got to pee!Copy !req
492. So, I just want to let you
know I was thinking about itCopy !req
493. in the car and what if the
bad guys felt really badCopy !req
494. about what they'd done
and-and they and they wentCopy !req
495. and cleaned it up, 'cause I've
heard about that happening.Copy !req
496. Oh, my gosh, that's...Copy !req
497. I shouldn't be surprised,Copy !req
498. because that's the way I left it.Copy !req
499. Yeah, that's broken glass.Copy !req
500. That's a lot of broken glass.Copy !req
501. Yeah, that's a legitimate...Copy !req
502. Wow. It's a legitimate mess.Copy !req
503. Well, I mean, this is really creepy.Copy !req
504. But at least you're not hurt.Copy !req
505. That's the most important thing.Copy !req
506. Is it?Copy !req
507. Of course!Copy !req
508. You can always replace a door, but,Copy !req
509. you know, there's only one Becks.Copy !req
510. Oh, well, there's only one Josh Chan.Copy !req
511. Actually, there's a lot of Josh Chan's.Copy !req
512. There's one in Azusa.Copy !req
513. Yeah, I used to play him in soccer.Copy !req
514. Wow, um,Copy !req
515. I feelCopy !req
516. really rattled.Copy !req
517. I need some wine.Copy !req
518. Do you want some wine?Copy !req
519. You know what? Sure.Copy !req
520. - Let's do it.
- Great.Copy !req
521. Uh, oh, can I have ice in mine?Copy !req
522. Yeah, okay, iced wine.Copy !req
523. Coming up.Copy !req
524. And then we'll clean up some glass.Copy !req
525. Okay.Copy !req
526. Oh, yeah, here you go.Copy !req
527. Let me get that.Copy !req
528. Oh, thank you.Copy !req
529. Hey, um,Copy !req
530. I feel really safe with you here.Copy !req
531. Thank you.Copy !req
532. Of course.Copy !req
533. It's the least I can do.Copy !req
534. Thank you.Copy !req
535. Hey.
You know, I'm thinking out loud.Copy !req
536. As-as long as we're having wine...Copy !req
537. Oh, cheers, by the way. Eyes.Copy !req
538. There we go.Copy !req
539. Um, I'm pretty hungry.Copy !req
540. Do-do you want to get some food?Copy !req
541. There's a great fondue place that-that
delivers right around the corner.Copy !req
542. Sounds great. I've never had it.Copy !req
543. Great.Copy !req
544. God...Copy !req
545. You've really just turned
this night around for me.Copy !req
546. Ah...Copy !req
547. You know, I was so scaredCopy !req
548. but now, um,Copy !req
549. I just feel like a piece of breadCopy !req
550. in a warm bath of cheese.Copy !req
551. Hmm.Copy !req
552. That's fondue.Copy !req
553. I'm describing fondue.Copy !req
554. Oh, gotcha.Copy !req
555. Yeah, I thought it was some kind of soup.Copy !req
556. No! I'm sorry.Copy !req
557. That was confusing. That was my bad.Copy !req
558. Hmm, that's weird. I'm
not expecting anybody.Copy !req
559. Oh, it's probably the cops.Copy !req
560. Cops... Sorry, hmm?Copy !req
561. Josh?Copy !req
562. You called the cops?Copy !req
563. Of course I did.Copy !req
564. No, no, but Josh, Josh,Copy !req
565. J-Josh, you know what they say.Copy !req
566. Snitches get stitches.Copy !req
567. Come on in, Officer.Copy !req
568. I got a call about the attempted burglary?Copy !req
569. You know what? The-the
glass is just smashed.Copy !req
570. They smashed the whole door.Copy !req
571. Don't worry, I'm here now.Copy !req
572. And rest assured, ma'am,Copy !req
573. I won't stop till I get
to the bottom of this.Copy !req
574. When did the incident occur?Copy !req
575. You know, no idea.Copy !req
576. I, uh, it was like this when I got home.Copy !req
577. Why didn't you call the police
when you first discovered the window?Copy !req
578. I panicked, you know?Copy !req
579. I just, I-I-I
freaked out.Copy !req
580. And I just, I fled.Copy !req
581. “Fled”?Copy !req
582. Yeah, slow down!Copy !req
583. Okay, okay, just tell himCopy !req
584. what you know, Becks.Copy !req
585. She can't follow if you talk too fast.Copy !req
586. Okay.Copy !req
587. Whew.Copy !req
588. So what happenedCopy !req
589. is my friend, Josh Chan,Copy !req
590. called you because...Copy !req
591. he is so protective of me.Copy !req
592. Bless him. But I understandCopy !req
593. that this is not really worth your time.Copy !req
594. And the reason for thatCopy !req
595. I will go into right now.Copy !req
596. All right, as I look at this crime scene,Copy !req
597. there appears to be no evidence of theftCopy !req
598. or any sign that someone
entered the apartment at all.Copy !req
599. Let's take a closer look at
the shards of glass, shall we?Copy !req
600. Now, when I look at these shards of glass,Copy !req
601. there is also no evidence
of secondary compressionCopy !req
602. by a shoe or shoes, to use the plural.Copy !req
603. So I think we can safely sayCopy !req
604. that no matter what transpired here,Copy !req
605. we will never be able to prove a 459.Copy !req
606. Josh, that's burglary.Copy !req
607. Now, sir, I am a lawyer,Copy !req
608. as you might've guessed, and I know,Copy !req
609. looking at the glass breakage here,Copy !req
610. the most we'll be able to
prove is, uh, maybe a 596?Copy !req
611. Josh, that's vandalism.Copy !req
612. Now, I know how hardCopy !req
613. the officers of this city work.Copy !req
614. And the last thing I wantCopy !req
615. is for you to work on a
bunch of forms tonight.Copy !req
616. I mean, those 596 forms,
they're a real bitch.Copy !req
617. You're not wrong.Copy !req
618. Exactly! I mean,Copy !req
619. 23 pages for a nonviolent crime?Copy !req
620. What do I need... a hobby?Copy !req
621. I didn't think so.Copy !req
622. So, let's get you out of here.Copy !req
623. Let's get you back out on
the streets, Officer Rhodes.Copy !req
624. Yeah, sorry, Officer.Copy !req
625. Or you're welcome to stay for some fondue.Copy !req
626. Oh, I wish!Copy !req
627. Love those steak cubes.Copy !req
628. Wait a minute, I thought it was cheese.Copy !req
629. Well, now I really need some wine.Copy !req
630. Oh, my God. Me, too.Copy !req
631. Hand it over.Copy !req
632. Ah, now where were we?Copy !req
633. Oh, right.Copy !req
634. Cheers.Copy !req
635. You were great back there.Copy !req
636. No, you were.Copy !req
637. Mm-mm. You saved the day.Copy !req
638. I never committed a crime before.Copy !req
639. Why did I commit a crime again?Copy !req
640. We said no questions, remember?Copy !req
641. Aw, come on, tell me, please?Copy !req
642. No.Copy !req
643. Gonna have to try and get it out of me.Copy !req
644. Oh.Copy !req
645. Where do you keep your answers?Copy !req
646. I'm sorry.Copy !req
647. I know I've been distant lately and...Copy !req
648. it's not just because
I almost had an affairCopy !req
649. with a hunky industrial real
estate tycoon from Tucson.Copy !req
650. What?Copy !req
651. It's a long story and nothing happened.Copy !req
652. It was just jazz.Copy !req
653. Wow, huh.Copy !req
654. Well, then I feel a lot
better about the factCopy !req
655. that I almost slept
with Misty from shipping.Copy !req
656. Misty?Copy !req
657. Really?Copy !req
658. You know, I can see that.Copy !req
659. She has slut face.Copy !req
660. God!Copy !req
661. Father Brah's right.Copy !req
662. We've both been major holes, huh?Copy !req
663. God. we really have!Copy !req
664. I am so sorry.Copy !req
665. I don't want another man.Copy !req
666. I mean, the only thing I've
been cheating on you withCopy !req
667. is...Copy !req
668. Rebecca's love life.Copy !req
669. She's so in love,Copy !req
670. and it-it's just been so intoxicatingCopy !req
671. to witness it in its purest form.Copy !req
672. I'm... I'm addicted.Copy !req
673. Who's she in love with?Copy !req
674. You really want to know?Copy !req
675. Yes, I do.Copy !req
676. And we got nothing but time right now.Copy !req
677. Okay.Copy !req
678. Well, what happened wasCopy !req
679. she was working hard at a New York jobCopy !req
680. making dough, but it made her blue.Copy !req
681. One day, she was crying a lot,Copy !req
682. and so she decided to move
to West Covina, California.Copy !req
683. Brand new pals, new career.Copy !req
684. It happens to be where Josh lives. Ah.Copy !req
685. And that's exactly why she's here.Copy !req
686. She's a crazy ex-girlfriend.Copy !req
687. Wha... ? No, she's not.Copy !req
688. She's a crazy ex-girlfriend.Copy !req
689. That's a sexist term, Scott.Copy !req
690. She's a crazy ex-girlfriend.Copy !req
691. Okay, just stop talking for a second.Copy !req
692. She's so broken inside.Copy !req
693. This situation has a lot
more nuance than that.Copy !req
694. C-R-A-Z-Y!Copy !req
695. I know how to spell, Scott.Copy !req
696. She's a crazy ex-girlfriend.Copy !req
697. Wow, good thing you brought those gloves.Copy !req
698. Oh, yeah, I've got gloves
for every situation.Copy !req
699. I mean, cleaning, baseball,Copy !req
700. golfing,Copy !req
701. uh, driving, go-karts, boxing.Copy !req
702. You have all the gloves.Copy !req
703. No way.Copy !req
704. Is that what I think it is?Copy !req
705. Oh, my gosh, what? Is it, like, a penny?Copy !req
706. The rock they threwCopy !req
707. in the window.Copy !req
708. Wow, it's, like, a perfect rock.Copy !req
709. - Like textbook.
- Yeah.Copy !req
710. Hmm.Copy !req
711. So this...Copy !req
712. goes...Copy !req
713. right here.Copy !req
714. This is your rock?Copy !req
715. Wha... ?Copy !req
716. Huh.Copy !req
717. That's so wei...Copy !req
718. It doesCopy !req
719. look like my rock.Copy !req
720. That's weird.Copy !req
721. Someone threw a rockCopy !req
722. from inside the house...Copy !req
723. into your house?Copy !req
724. So, I think I know what happened.Copy !req
725. So, the burglar came into the houseCopy !req
726. to steal something, but because
I live a very simple life,Copy !req
727. he didn't find anything to steal.Copy !req
728. And in a fit of rage, the
burglar was furthermoreCopy !req
729. offended, you know, by the platitudinousCopy !req
730. inspirational phrasesCopy !req
731. of my rocks because he's had a hard life...Copy !req
732. You know, in order to be a burglar,Copy !req
733. you would've had to had a hard life.Copy !req
734. So-so then in anger, he
grabbed one of the rocksCopy !req
735. and went outside and just to stick it to meCopy !req
736. threw it through the window.Copy !req
737. What-what-what you're talking
about doesn't make any sense.Copy !req
738. None of this makes sense.Copy !req
739. Okay, you're right.Copy !req
740. There's got to be another
explanation, so let...Copy !req
741. Please, please don't explain.Copy !req
742. I don't want to know.Copy !req
743. I don't want to know what happened tonight.Copy !req
744. And I really don't want to knowCopy !req
745. why you were in my apartment before.Copy !req
746. Uh, I got to go.Copy !req
747. What? No.Copy !req
748. Yeah, I got an early day tomorrow.Copy !req
749. Josh, I love y...Copy !req
750. I love that you came to my...
rescue tonight.Copy !req
751. Thank you.Copy !req
752. Josh. Josh, I'm sorry...Copy !req
753. You ordered the extra large double dipper?Copy !req
754. The... uh, yeah.Copy !req
755. I've got two sets of sticks.Copy !req
756. It'll just take me a minute to set up.Copy !req
757. We threw in some strawberries and chocolateCopy !req
758. for that extra bit of romance.Copy !req
759. It's all ruined.Copy !req
760. People think that, but actuallyCopy !req
761. the cheese does not congeal in transit.Copy !req
762. If you can get the word out about that,Copy !req
763. that would really help.Copy !req
764. Moments ago, he held me in his arms.Copy !req
765. And then just now, he couldCopy !req
766. barely look me in the eye.Copy !req
767. All of my dreamsCopy !req
768. may have just been shattered.Copy !req
769. So this is not about cheese.Copy !req
770. Ladies and gentleman,
please welcome to the stageCopy !req
771. to sing a song about
self-indulgent self-loathing,Copy !req
772. Miss Rebecca Bunch!Copy !req
773. Thank you!Copy !req
774. Thank you, thank you.Copy !req
775. It's so wonderful to be back here,Copy !req
776. even though I'm here,Copy !req
777. singing this song, a lot.Copy !req
778. Yeah, you guys know this one.Copy !req
779. Sing with me!Copy !req
780. Yes, I deserve this!Copy !req
781. Whoa.Copy !req
782. What happened?Copy !req
783. Rebecca, what's wrong? Are you okay?Copy !req
784. No, I'm not.Copy !req
785. Do you want to tell me what happened?Copy !req
786. No.Copy !req
787. Let me help you.Copy !req
788. What can I do?Copy !req
789. Come on, let's get this mess cleaned up and
you can tell me what happened. I'll just...Copy !req
790. Just leave it, I'll get it later.Copy !req
791. Can you just stay with meCopy !req
792. for a little while?Copy !req
793. I... I can't be alone right now.Copy !req
794. Okay.Copy !req
795. Thank you.Copy !req
796. We don't have to stand here.Copy !req
797. We can, like, watch TV, you know...Copy !req
798. TV, yeah, sure. Whatever you want.Copy !req
799. Let's just, get this mess cleaned up first.Copy !req
800. Okay.Copy !req
801. Thank you.Copy !req
802. Are you hungry?Copy !req
803. Have you eaten?Copy !req
804. I have some... fondue
that's clumping together.Copy !req
805. Actually, I am pretty hungry.Copy !req
806. Coagulating cheese would
really hit the spot.Copy !req
807. Thank you, Greg.Copy !req
808. Somehow, you're always
here when I need you.Copy !req
809. I...Copy !req
810. Huh.Copy !req
811. That has Josh's name on it.Copy !req
812. That makes sense.Copy !req
813. He was barely here. I mean,
he didn't even eat his food.Copy !req
814. And there are two wine glasses,Copy !req
815. one with ice cubes.Copy !req
816. Classic Chan move.Copy !req
817. So you were having another cozy dateCopy !req
818. with Valencia's boyfriend and...Copy !req
819. Oh, my God, that's not what happened.Copy !req
820. you guys had some kind of scene,Copy !req
821. somehow a window brokeCopy !req
822. and look who's cleaning it up?Copy !req
823. I'm literally holding a
dustpan and a broom in my hand,Copy !req
824. cleaning up your mess.Copy !req
825. Why are you mad at me?Copy !req
826. I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at myself.Copy !req
827. There are other ways to
get out of this buildingCopy !req
828. but I walked by your patio.Copy !req
829. And my girlfriend is 20
feet through that wall,Copy !req
830. and I'm standing here.Copy !req
831. I gotta go.Copy !req
832. Please, Greg...Copy !req
833. I just want someone to be here with me.Copy !req
834. Right.Copy !req
835. “Someone.”Copy !req
836. That's the problem.Copy !req
837. Feel better, Bunch.Copy !req
838. So she's not into Greg?Copy !req
839. No, not at all, but he is really into her,Copy !req
840. so they keep getting drawn together.Copy !req
841. But from what you've said,Copy !req
842. they might make a good couple.Copy !req
843. Maybe she should give him a chance.Copy !req
844. No! Honey, keep your
eyes on the prize, okay?Copy !req
845. Rebecca and Josh have an epic and pure loveCopy !req
846. that spans decades and mountains.Copy !req
847. Good point, she did admit she loved JoshCopy !req
848. after the bus trip.Copy !req
849. Yes!Copy !req
850. Very good!Copy !req
851. Oh, did I tell you about
how I got her invitedCopy !req
852. to Josh's parents' house for Thanksgiving?Copy !req
853. Was that when she got
the kiss on the cheek?Copy !req
854. Oh...Copy !req
855. No, no, no, no, that was
when they went to the camp.Copy !req
856. God, it's so sexy when you listen.Copy !req
857. Thought I might find you here,Copy !req
858. having your morning mocha loco.Copy !req
859. So... what happened?Copy !req
860. You never called me back.Copy !req
861. I called you, like, 50 times.Copy !req
862. I mean, did Josh just leaveCopy !req
863. or is he on his way?Copy !req
864. Honey, what happened?Copy !req
865. I, um...Copy !req
866. I ruined everything, Paula.Copy !req
867. Like... it was a disaster.Copy !req
868. You can't even imagine how bad it was.Copy !req
869. Well, how? I mean, we got the rockCopy !req
870. through the window before you got home.Copy !req
871. I don't want to talk about it.Copy !req
872. That's how bad it is.Copy !req
873. I-I...Copy !req
874. I just don't even want to talk about it.Copy !req
875. Just... okay.Copy !req
876. I ruined everything.Copy !req
877. Because that's what I do.Copy !req
878. I ruin things. Okay.Copy !req
879. So that's what happened.Copy !req
880. Okay. Okay.Copy !req
881. Hey... I don't know what happened,Copy !req
882. and we do not have to talk about it. Now.Copy !req
883. I mean, clearly I'm going
to need all the deets later.Copy !req
884. - Paula...
- But you are... hey.Copy !req
885. You are not a ruin-er.Copy !req
886. Okay, do you hear me?Copy !req
887. You are the opposite.
You're a-a put-together-er.Copy !req
888. Paula, you don't know
what you're talking about,Copy !req
889. and it doesn't even make sense.Copy !req
890. Oh, okay, you want to know
what you put together-ered?Copy !req
891. My marriage.Copy !req
892. - What?
- Yes!Copy !req
893. I mean, who knew a little
vandalism would be, like,Copy !req
894. the most amazing foreplay we had ever had?Copy !req
895. I mean, look at this text from Scott.Copy !req
896. I mean, look at all these emojis.Copy !req
897. He sent me, like, a unicorn and a panda.Copy !req
898. - Hmm.
- And, like, 11 different kinds of hearts.Copy !req
899. Oh.Copy !req
900. Oh, no, no, don't scroll there. Oh. Whoa.Copy !req
901. Yeah. Okay. Wow.Copy !req
902. Sorry. I'm sorry you had to see that.Copy !req
903. No. You... you go.Copy !req
904. Okay, but listen to me.Copy !req
905. You and Josh... You're on a journey.Copy !req
906. Okay? So there's gonna be peaks,Copy !req
907. but there's also gonna be valleys.Copy !req
908. And yes, maybe even a
long, dry, flat plateauCopy !req
909. called “my-kids-are-little,
don't-touch-me"Copy !req
910. But the valleys are gonna
make those peaks even sweeter.Copy !req
911. So... take a deep breath.Copy !req
912. Look how beautiful it is today.Copy !req
913. And know that everything is gonna be okay.Copy !req
914. And if it's not, we will make it okay.Copy !req
915. I promise you.Copy !req
916. Are you sure?Copy !req
917. We will find a way.Copy !req
918. Come here.Copy !req
919. I swear.Copy !req
920. I think I have a UTI.Copy !req
921. Harry, did you okay a
police escort to get a womanCopy !req
922. to her ex-boyfriend's house faster?Copy !req
923. Yes, sir, but you have to understand...Copy !req
924. Judge Spenser, that's an
unnecessary expenditure,Copy !req
925. not to mention you put
our citizens at risk.Copy !req
926. But sir, it was urgent.Copy !req
927. It was a text-mergency.Copy !req
928. You mean a text-tastrophe?Copy !req
929. Is that what caught on?Copy !req
930. It figures.Copy !req
931. Damn it!Copy !req
932. Judge Spenser,
why are you getting so upset?Copy !req
933. What's this really about?Copy !req
934. I left my wife for a prostitute.Copy !req