Crazy Ex-Girlfriend 1x1

1. When I sang my solo,

2. I felt, like, a really palpable connection with the audience.

3. And-and I know that it was, like, a bummer my mom didn't show,

4. but in that moment, it was like everyone was my mom.

5. You know?

6. Ugh, whatever, she's just pissed

7. because I didn't do the mock-trial summer intensive.

8. Ugh, she wasn't even gonna let me go here,

9. but then I called my dad on his honeymoon in the Bahamas,

10. and I told him I was having suicidal thoughts,

11. so, ta-da, here I am.

12. Josh, session B has been a whirlwind,

13. and you've been my rock.

14. You've awakened my sexual being for the first time.

15. I never knew that two people could be so connected.

16. This has been the best summer of my life,

17. and you're the reason why.

18. Okay, let's talk schedules.

19. So I'll visit at Christmas, and then I think...

20. - Josh, you ready? - Um, my mom and dad are here.

21. Ugh, my mom is laz', per the us'.

22. Um, this-this has been a great summer...

23. It has been the best summer. Yeah.

24. But, uh...

25. Ugh, grande dame arrives.

26. Okay, I'll be right there, Mother!

27. I'm sorry, you were saying?

28. Well, with school and baseball, uh...

29. What?

30. Wh-What?

31. Good God, Mother. Are you trying to kill me?

32. Uh... What?

33. I-I just think that we're just really different,

34. you know, um, like, you're, like, really dramatic

35. and, like... weird.

36. I don't know.

37. I-I think maybe we should take a break.

38. No, no...

39. What? But I love you.

40. And-and thanks for that.

41. I mean it.

42. Come on, Josh.

43. Uh, bye, Rebecca.

44. - I'll-I'll see you around. - No, no, but...

45. No.

46. What?

47. No, I'm not dramatic.

48. I'm not, I'm not dramatic.

49. Oh, my God, shut up, you stupid bitch!

50. Damn it, Rebecca, is that a hickey on your neck?

51. Okay, look, keep in mind,

52. anything happens, we go right to the abortionist.

53. Nothing, nothing, is going to ruin your future

54. and your career, you hear me, Rebecca?

55. Are you listening to me?

56. Your future is all that matters.

57. Rebecca, it's Mom.

58. So did you win the Corcoran case?

59. You want that promotion, don't you?

60. It's very important.

61. It's what we've been working so hard for.

62. I've said that a million times.

63. Eh, I guess you don't care what I think.

64. I'm sure you told your father and that whore

65. at Tucker's seventh birthday party.

66. Anyway, I got to go.

67. Today the dermatologist is telling me if it's cancer.

68. Bye-bye.

69. What are you waiting for?

70. Spread it, indulge.

71. Ask yourself, “When was the last time you were truly happy?”

72. Ugh, good morning.

73. The guys from Corcoran call back about the loan approval yet?

74. They've been taking forever.

75. What? What's wrong?

76. Laura wants to see you.

77. Oh, God, why?

78. You're getting promoted.

79. To partner.

80. Right now.

81. - Now? - It's a surprise.

82. But no one told me.

83. Because... surprise!

84. Wow, um... wow.

85. This is great, wow.

86. This is fantastic, right? I know.

87. This is just objectively fanta...

88. This is objectively fantastic.

89. Like, on paper fantastic, right?

90. Wow.

91. Wow, w-w-wow, wow.

92. Wow.

93. I-I'm sorry, I just need to get a smoothie.

94. Yeah, I-I didn't have any breakfast,

95. and I-I get weird when I don't have protein.

96. I'm just... I'm just going to the...

97. I'm just going to the deli on Broadway.

98. This is great.

99. I'm so happy. Mom's gonna be so happy.

100. This is what happy feels like.

101. Happy just feels great and amazing.

102. This is definitely what happy feels like.

103. What's wrong with you? This is what happy feels like. Okay, okay.

104. Okay, all right.

105. In case of emergency, in case of emergency...

106. Break glass in case of emergency.

107. Okay, okay.

108. Okay, okay. Okay.

109. Ugh.

110. Dear God,

111. I don't pray to you because I believe in science,

112. but I don't know what to do.

113. Give me guidance.

114. Please.

115. “Ah-men.”

116. “A-men.” “Ah-men”?

117. Hey, keep moving!

118. Keep moving, now.

119. What a weird ad campaign.

120. Josh Chan?

121. Josh?

122. Josh! Josh!

123. Rebecca Bunch?

124. Oh, my God.

125. Oh, my gosh.

126. Josh Chan,

127. appearing out of nowhere

128. after, what, I mean, ten years?

129. - Wow. - Wow.

130. Oh, my God, this is weird.

131. - Right? - Yeah.

132. This is... this is... this is so weird.

133. Yeah, I haven't seen you since...

134. You-you didn't come back the next summer at camp.

135. Oh, yeah, my mom made me do mock trial,

136. and then I did it the next summer, so...

137. You know, I'd always hope I'd run into you one day.

138. I mean, we had such a good time that summer.

139. Yeah. Uh, you probably don't even remember it.

140. No, I remember some...

141. I-I remember all of it, yeah.

142. I remember all of it, yeah.

143. Of course I do.

144. Um, so, what?

145. You live in New York?

146. Yeah, the last eight months.

147. Dude, we should... we should hang out.

148. - Yeah. - Yeah.

149. Actually, I'm moving.

150. Oh, moving.

151. Yeah, I've been trying to make it work here in the Big Apple,

152. and one day I realized,

153. why get stuck in a rat race?

154. I mean, what's the point, right?

155. And it's so awesome back home.

156. You know, so chill.

157. So relaxed.

158. Out there, everyone is, you know, like...

159. I don't know, it's-it's like they're...

160. happy.

161. Happy, happy.

162. Happy.

163. Where are you from again?

164. West Covina, California.

165. 91791.

166. West Covina, I remember that.

167. That's near the beach, right?

168. Yeah, only two hours, four in traffic.

169. Just, you know, I just like to kick back,

170. get beers with my buds, skateboard.

171. Oh, yes, skating on boards, fun.

172. Yeah.

173. Man, if I'd known you'd turn out to be

174. so successful and hot...

175. Let a good one get away, huh?

176. Anyway.

177. Uh, so take care.

178. Yeah, yeah, let's-let's get a drink... Oh, God, of course.

179. Hello, you just said you're moving... right, we can't, yeah.

180. But, hey, if-if you're ever out west...

181. Yeah.

182. Look me up, okay?

183. - Okay. - See you around.

184. Okay, bye.

185. So weird!

186. Right? Right?

187. Everyone is happy, happy, happy.

188. West Covina, California. 91791.

189. Rebecca, you are the hardest working young lawyer

190. we have ever seen.

191. You work 24-7, you've never taken a sick day.

192. We know that this job is your whole world.

193. These are just some of the reasons

194. that we'd like to offer you the position of junior partner.

195. Laura, you are so kind.

196. Thank you.

197. You know, time is a... time is a funny thing.

198. Um...

199. Sometimes... time... itself tells you

200. that... it's... time to move on to other moments in time.

201. And when that time arrives, you can't really predict it,

202. you can't explain it, you just have to obey

203. the ticking clock that is destiny.

204. And I think that this is that time.

205. What?

206. Another opportunity has knocked on my door.

207. So I respectfully decline.

208. I am so sorry.

209. Is it another firm?

210. It's best if we don't talk about it. Good-bye.

211. W-Wait a minute, just tell me.

212. Is it Cromwell?

213. No, it's not New York.

214. Okay, then Boston.

215. Chicago?

216. No, Laura.

217. It's where dreams live.

218. Good morning, sir.

219. Please welcome Destiny.

220. Is he here? He's not here. To be clear...

221. Okay, how about now? “That sounds great.”

222. No hablo inglés.

223. Aw, you guys are good.

224. Bye-bye.

225. Sorry, kids, you can't practice tuba anymore.

226. No more band, give that back. Hey, ma'am, nice dress.

227. Only two hours from the beach.

228. Yello!

229. Rebecca, I just checked the Facebook.

230. You moved to California? What are you doing?

231. I hope this isn't another stunt

232. like your little suicide attempt in law school.

233. You didn't even break your skin

234. and you inconvenienced a lot of people.

235. Your Aunt Nancy was apoplectic.

236. You know how sick she is all the...

237. I hope you don't mind,

238. but I handed out copies of your résumé.

239. I mean, we are just so honored

240. and, well, confused, frankly,

241. to have an attorney of your caliber here.

242. - So... Darryl Whitefeather. - Hmm.

243. That's a really interesting name.

244. Well, I'm what they call a full one-eighth.

245. One-eighth Chippewa.

246. Oh.

247. Those are my people.

248. Wow.

249. Everybody here calls me “Chief"

250. Okay. So I should address you as “Chief”?

251. I wish you'd get it started,

252. 'cause nobody's really doing it...

253. - Okay, will do. - Thank you.

254. - Um, I have a question for you... Chief. - Mm-mm.

255. Uh, is there a problem

256. with cell phone service in West Covina?

257. Because I feel like my friend is trying to get ahold of me

258. - Mm-hmm. - And nothing's coming through.

259. No, we don't have anything...

260. Well, I mean, I have Sprint,

261. - and it's “the bomb.” - Ah.

262. I'm sorry. I have a kid, so...

263. Oh, the b... yeah.

264. Yeah, but I'm getting a divorce.

265. Sorry.

266. Oh, I'm not.

267. Hey-o! Come on. Let me show you around.

268. So, uh, you're from New York.

269. You know, I spent some time in Gotham myself.

270. - Yeah? - Oh, yeah.

271. Uh, for about a week after college with my buddies.

272. We went to all the best places.

273. Hey, do they still have that great pizza place...

274. Oh, downtown...

275. What was the name of it?

276. D-something.

277. Gosh, have you heard of that one?

278. D...

279. Yeah. Uh-huh.

280. - Did you? - Oh, it's great.

281. Oh, it's so good.

282. And they fold it up and it's thin crust

283. and the sauce and there's all the cheese.

284. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

285. That's pizza. Yeah.

286. You know, actually, we have some great places

287. right here in the Cove. Uh-huh.

288. You know, there's, uh...

289. a wine bar on Foothill

290. - that has a killer Riesling. - Uh-huh.

291. It's actually called Jimmy's House of Spirits.

292. Uh-huh.

293. It's like a liquor store and a wine bar.

294. Also, in the restaurant in the Hilton,

295. they have, um, something called branzino.

296. You ever heard of branzino?

297. Yes, I have.

298. - It's a fish. - I know.

299. - Really? - Yeah. Of course.

300. 'Cause I thought it was a sandwich.

301. Well, anyway, I'm just...

302. I'm so excited to be here

303. and chillax

304. and just live that SoCal sunny lifestyle, you know?

305. Well, we are two hours from the beach...

306. - Well, four in traffic. - So I hear.

307. I feel like you and I are gonna have a lot in common.

308. And I'm not just talking about the pizza and the fie.

309. Mm-hmm.

310. Oh, you know what?

311. Until my business cards come in,

312. I'm gonna take a few of these,

313. in case anyone asks what I'm doing in town.

314. And I can show them this and be like,

315. “I have a job. It's legitimate"

316. Okay. So this is the kitchen.

317. Did you see this résumé?

318. Harvard? Yale?

319. Mandarin?

320. Did she get this out of a résumé book?

321. What the hell is she doing here?

322. Exactly. It makes no sense.

323. Uh, Rebecca, this is Paula.

324. Oh, hi!

325. Are you my assistant? Great.

326. I am going to need so much help

327. setting up my computer.

328. I'm, like, a total grandma.

329. Uh, actually, Paula is our, um, head paralegal.

330. Oh! Hello.

331. Sorry. Hi. Hi.

332. - Nice to meet you. - Yeah.

333. Two years of training, six months of night school

334. and 15 years of experience, but...

335. Never mind.

336. Those are some great knock-off Louboutins.

337. Yeah. I know how to say it.

338. Uh, actually, they are real.

339. But I got them on sale.

340. Lindsay Lohan wears those.

341. She's been to jail six times and has fake hair.

342. Did you know that?

343. Everyone knows that, right, Mrs. Hernandez?

344. Oh, I'm sorry. That's Mrs. Hernandez.

345. She's our communications director.

346. Oh, great! Hi!

347. So nice to meet you.

348. Wow!

349. - Oh. - Careful, there.

350. She went to a “women in business” seminar

351. a couple of years ago, came back with that death grip.

352. So what, uh, brings you to our lovely West Covina?

353. Just looking for change.

354. You know?

355. Yeah? No friends in town?

356. - A relative, or... ? - Uh... no.

357. No.

358. Okay.

359. - Yeah, yeah. - Okay.

360. Okay.

361. Pretty-pretty simple.

362. Here to start fresh.

363. Well, yes, well, welcome aboard.

364. Well, thank you, so much.

365. And sorry about the mix-up, again.

366. - No worries. - No, no.

367. - Total... fart brain. - Not a problem.

368. Super happy you're here.

369. Like, senior year graduation excited!

370. Yeah, yeah.

371. “They're real. Got them on sale.”

372. Who is this person?

373. Wow.

374. I, uh...

375. love all the wolf imagery.

376. Yeah, I went to a swap meet in Gardena

377. and got all this.

378. I keep the pelts at home because they shed a little bit.

379. Uh-huh.

380. - Okay... - Look, I wasn't going to...

381. talk about this out there, because, well,

382. I mean, you know how offices

383. can be, you know.

384. It can be very gossipy.

385. But I'm in the middle of a divorce.

386. Right. Yeah, you mentioned that.

387. And my wife, well,

388. she's got a very powerful pit bull lawyer.

389. I mean, this guy's amazing.

390. One of those real smart Jewish guys.

391. I'm sorry, I'm-I'm... I'm Jewish.

392. Really?

393. Yeah, but it's okay.

394. I... I honestly had no idea.

395. That is a tiny nose.

396. It's like a button.

397. Thank you.

398. Look...

399. I'm sorry.

400. It's just that...

401. I'm in kind of a bind here.

402. Oh, geez.

403. Oh, I didn't want to do this.

404. Um...

405. Oh... Um...

406. I like the wolf with the bandana.

407. That's my favorite, too.

408. I just can't lose her.

409. I can't lose her.

410. Darryl, uh...

411. You know, there's other fish in the sea.

412. Right?

413. It's not healthy to keep fixating on one person.

414. The relationship's over...

415. I am not talking about my wife.

416. I am talking about my daughter.

417. My ex-wife is trying

418. - to get Madison away from me. - Huh?

419. I want you to represent me in my case.

420. - Oh... - No, you're right.

421. I'm sorry. I...

422. This is so inappropriate.

423. Oh, Jiminy Christmas.

424. - I don't know what I'm doing. - Uh, look, Darryl,

425. I'm very flattered that-that you asked me to represent you,

426. but you know my specialty's real estate law.

427. I wouldn't be qualified...

428. I know, but I just want to see my wife's face.

429. I mean, her Jew

430. went to CSU Long Beach.

431. My Jew? Harvard and Yale.

432. Mmm?

433. Can I think about it?

434. I will think about it, sincerely,

435. because I see that you're a really good dad.

436. But you know, that's why I moved to West Covina,

437. to be with families who care.

438. And I care, too.

439. And I promise that I will always be there for you.

440. Hold on one second.

441. But right now, I got a thing.

442. I'm gonna go do this thing.

443. Doesn't mean that I don't care, I'm just gonna go do the thing.

444. I will come back later...

445. and let's circle back about the Jew thing.

446. 'Cause that's a conversation that we need to have.

447. The Jew thing?

448. Why did I say that?

449. curve-balling out about five to ten miles per hour.

450. Jerry Murdoch steps in against Patterson.

451. He hit two home runs in the second inning,

452. but down three now, here in the bottom of the fifth.

453. Are you lost?

454. The wine bar's over on Foothill.

455. I'm just here for some baseball.

456. Sounds good.

457. What can I get you?

458. Beer, please.

459. Any kind.

460. You from around here?

461. Never seen you before.

462. I actually just moved to town from New York.

463. Seriously?

464. I love New York. What-what brings you here?

465. Work and, um...

466. I-I'm actually here because I'm meeting a friend.

467. But I don't...

468. I don't see him.

469. Great. Maybe I know him.

470. Is he eight years old? Or an alcoholic?

471. 'Cause that's what we've got here.

472. You're a good listener.

473. - Hmm? - Exactly.

474. You know, a buddy of mine just moved back from New York.

475. Guy I grew up with.

476. - Really? - Yeah.

477. But there's no way you know him, right?

478. It's a big city.

479. I might. What's his name?

480. Josh Chan.

481. Oh, my God, are you kidding?

482. That's crazy! I... I know him!

483. - Seriously? - Yeah. Yeah.

484. That's crazy. He was just here.

485. You just missed him.

486. That... that's his beer.

487. Ah!

488. Mmm!

489. Um, yeah.

490. Oh, mmm...

491. Um, it's actually such a funny s-story.

492. So, I was in New York,

493. but I was looking to relocate to Los Angeles

494. because I'm just, I'm a beach gal.

495. Uh, so I run into Chan and he tells me

496. how great West Covina is.

497. And I'm like, okay, filing it away, filing it away.

498. But then, boom!

499. That same day, I get this rando call

500. from a one-eighth Chippewa

501. who's very prominent in my field,

502. asking me to start a position here.

503. Crazy, right?

504. Wait.

505. So you left a job in New York

506. to live near the beach?

507. We're four hours from the beach.

508. People say two, but those people are dumb.

509. Yeah, but, like, you know, it's such a great place.

510. - I mean, the motto is “Live, Work, Play.” - We have a motto?

511. - Yes, on the Web site. - We have a Web site?

512. It takes a few minutes to load, but it's very informative.

513. This is where I live.

514. Yay for me.

515. So, anyway, to go back to my, um, story.

516. - Please do. - So I got here

517. and I reached out to Josh, but...

518. he hasn't gotten back to me,

519. so I don't if he-he dropped his phone in the toilet,

520. 'cause I did that once

521. and I was out of commission for hours.

522. So maybe he did that.

523. Do you know where he went, though?

524. - 'Cause I'd love to, like... - No.

525. No idea. He said he was going out,

526. but he didn't say where.

527. Okay. Thanks.

528. But I, uh... it's funny.

529. I do know where he's gonna be tomorrow night.

530. Yeah?

531. Yeah. This guy, Beans

532. we call him that, he's Mexican...

533. That sounds racist, but he named himself that

534. and he kind of makes us call him that; we don't want to.

535. His actual name's Bernard. It doesn't matter.

536. Anyway, he's having a house party.

537. It should be a lot of fun and, um...

538. Josh is going.

539. And I'm going.

540. Do you want to go?

541. Yeah. Is there, like,

542. a Paperless Post that I should reply to?

543. Why don't we...

544. why don't we just go together?

545. Great, yeah.

546. Okay, so, um...

547. So you'll come to me, in a car?

548. Yes, like... a date.

549. Because you're pretty and you're smart

550. and you're ignoring me, so you're obviously my type.

551. I'm sorry. What were you saying?

552. Perfect.

553. A party.

554. Big party.

555. Ooh!

556. You were right behind me.

557. Yeah. What's up?

558. Uh, about the Ramirez case:

559. The judge refused to grant the stay,

560. so we present our arguments on Wednesday.

561. Well, that's swell,

562. because I'm really good at arguing.

563. Oh! Before I forget to tell you, though,

564. I do not like the judge in that case.

565. I want Judge Egan. I did a little research.

566. So what I need you to do is petition the court.

567. We will get Judge Egan

568. and we will crush that illegal water park.

569. You're in a good mood today.

570. Yeah, ever just have, like, a great day?

571. No.

572. Really?

573. That's, like, really sad.

574. Okay.

575. So...

576. you mentioned you didn't know anyone in town.

577. No. Not a soul.

578. Living or dead.

579. Don't know no ghosts.

580. Okay, stop.

581. Something is wrong.

582. I am not buying any of this.

583. Okay, yeah, again,

584. the reason that I'm here...

585. 'cause you seem, like, weirded out

586. with my whole presence...

587. Is because I moved here

588. 'cause I got a really great offer from Darryl.

589. It's okay, don't tell me the truth.

590. In fact,

591. thank you

592. for not telling me the truth,

593. because I will figure it out.

594. Ah!

595. Now I have something fun to do.

596. Okay, well,

597. I'm glad that this is really fun for you.

598. Enjoy whatever you have going on,

599. and I'm gonna go live my life.

600. Welcome, Rebecca Bunch.

601. God, what...

602. This is how you get ready?

603. This is some...

604. This is horrifying,

605. like a scary movie or something,

606. like some nasty-ass patriarchal bull (bleep).

607. You know what?

608. I got to go apologize to some bitches.

609. I'm forever changed after what I just seen.

610. Wow, you-you look amazing.

611. Oh, I totally just woke up from a nap.

612. So, I got accepted

613. to business school at Emory.

614. - Mm-hmm. - Uh, and then my dad got sick.

615. - Um, my parents are divorced. - Mm-hmm.

616. - So I... - Oh, uh, mine are divorced, too.

617. Yeah, yeah, like, they're really divorced.

618. We're like peas in a pod.

619. To broken people.

620. To broken people.

621. You know, it's so weird.

622. I, like, haven't seen Josh yet.

623. What's...

624. What's the deal with you and Josh?

625. Because we've been talking about him a lot.

626. What? Come on.

627. Dude, he's just... You know, I told you.

628. He's, like, an old friend of mine.

629. I just, like, I want to, I want to see him

630. and want to see him and surprise him.

631. You're sure? Because if you were into him, Yeah.

632. I would totally get it. He's a good-looking guy.

633. He's built like a brick house.

634. Okay, uh-huh. He knows magic.

635. Okay, I'll shut up about that.

636. Yeah.

637. Hey.

638. Do you want to go outside?

639. Actually, um, I'm cold. Let's go inside.

640. I'm hungry. Are you hungry?

641. Uh...

642. Hey, is...

643. something wrong?

644. No, no, no.

645. Um, do you want find a bedroom?

646. No.

647. I would not... Yes.

648. Is this room okay?

649. Yeah, it's fine.

650. Is it okay that Josh isn't in here?

651. - Or... - Yeah, it's fine.

652. Oh.

653. Ah, speak of the handsome devil himself.

654. Chan just texted.

655. “Not gonna come tonight"

656. His girlfriend's making him go to her sister's quinseñera.

657. Sorry. Um...

658. Josh has a girlfriend?

659. Just 'cause Facebook says he's single.

660. Okay, I'm getting the Josh vibe again.

661. Maybe we should just go back to the party.

662. No, no, that's crazy. Come-come here, crazy.

663. Like, if you must know, Josh isn't my type.

664. But, like, speaking of types,

665. like, what type's his girlfriend?

666. - I should go. - No, no.

667. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

668. Where you going?

669. Where's the little boy going?

670. Are you going anywhere now?

671. - No. - Okay, good.

672. Is this, does this feel good?

673. You really like talking, don't you?

674. Okay, I'll stop.

675. I'll stop, I'll stop, I'll stop.

676. I'll stop talking. Shh, shh. Shh, shh, I'll stop talking.

677. But just, like,

678. circling back to Josh for just, like, a quick second.

679. I know, I know, just a quick second.

680. Um, like, where did he, where did he,

681. where'd he meet his girlfriend?

682. Like, what's their, what's their story?

683. What's their deal?

684. They dated in high school.

685. He moved back to be with her.

686. Oh.

687. Got it.

688. Okay, good.

689. I'm so, I'm happy for him.

690. He moved back here for her.

691. It's like, it's like The Notebook.

692. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

693. - I, uh, - What? What?

694. I can't believe I'm doing this, because I-I really...

695. I really need this,

696. but, um, I don't know much,

697. but what I do know is it's not good

698. to hook up with a crying girl.

699. No, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not crying.

700. I'm not crying. I'm fine.

701. No, you're not.

702. Hey, whatever it is,

703. I really don't think you should be here.

704. Come on.

705. I'll drive you home.

706. Okay. Are you sure?

707. - I can do that. - Yeah, yeah, no, hey.

708. No, no, no, no, no. You've done enough.

709. Okay, okay.

710. Huh?

711. Um, what are you doing here?

712. I just stopped in to chat with you.

713. - Who's this? - You want to chat?

714. Who are you?

715. Um, Greg, uh, Paula.

716. - Paula, Greg. - Hi there.

717. You half Italian?

718. Uh, yeah?

719. I can always tell.

720. Okay, all right.

721. I don't know what you're doing.

722. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. We'll be back, Greg.

723. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'll iChat you or something.

724. No, I'll just...

725. I'll just wait here.

726. Where are we...

727. Is this far enough from the house? Come here.

728. What are you doing here?

729. You think you are so much better than me, huh?

730. Harvard? Yale?

731. I am just as smart as you are, Miss Snooty Shoes.

732. What are you talking about?

733. I'm talking about Josh.

734. Chan.

735. Yeah.

736. Josh Ch... Josh Chan!

737. - Josh Chan! - Okay, hey, hey, hey! Hey.

738. - What do you know about Josh? - What do I know about Josh?

739. Uh, let's see, um,

740. I know he lives in town, which is weird,

741. because you told you didn't know anyone here,

742. and clearly,

743. you know him, because you checked his Facebook

744. 63 times today

745. and his Instagram 18 times.

746. Have you been going through my computer?

747. Yes, yes, I have.

748. I could have you fired.

749. Oh, you lied to me.

750. I wasn't lying to you. I wasn't under oath

751. when I met you in the office.

752. All right, you know what?

753. Did someone shove a Bible under my hand?

754. This is not the point. The point is

755. whoever this Josh Chan is,

756. you are, you're obsessed with him.

757. What?

758. You love him, you moved here for him,

759. and you won't admit it. Why?

760. Wow, okay. I do not love him.

761. I barely know him.

762. I dated him for two months when I was 16 at a summer camp.

763. So you're saying that I moved here

764. from New York and I left behind a job

765. that would've paid me $545,000 a year

766. for a guy who still skateboards?

767. I did not do that.

768. Here's what happened. I was in New York.

769. I ran into Josh. He made me feel warm inside.

770. Like glitter was exploding inside me.

771. Then I moved here.

772. I did not move here because of Josh,

773. because that would be crazy, and I am not crazy.

774. Oh, my God.

775. Oh, my God.

776. No, I'm not crazy.

777. I'm not crazy, I'm not crazy.

778. - Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God. - Okay, no, stop it.

779. Oh, no, no, no, no. Oh, my God, I'm crazy.

780. - Stop it. Listen. - Oh, my God, I'm crazy.

781. No, no, no, no, I'm crazy. Oh, my God, I'm crazy.

782. You're not crazy.

783. You hear me, you're not crazy. You're in love.

784. And that is, that is totally different.

785. No, I'm not in love. That would be stupid.

786. Hey, wait, whoa.

787. - You're not stupid. - That would make me stupid.

788. You just should've told me.

789. That's all. I-I-I'm just,

790. I was busting your balls 'cause you lied to me.

791. - Okay, no... - No, no, no, no, no, I'm crazy. I'm crazy.

792. - All right, this is going down a road - I'm crazy and I'm irrational

793. - that I am not... - and I'm everything my mother said I was.

794. Now stop it!

795. Don't you talk about my friend like that ever again.

796. Do you hear me?

797. We're friends?

798. I would be proud to be your friend,

799. now that I know the truth.

800. What you did for love, for true love,

801. the sacrifices,

802. the-the money that you walked away from...

803. - Oh, God. - No, no, no, no, no. No.

804. You're not crazy, and you're not stupid.

805. You know what you are? You're brave.

806. And I wish that I had been

807. as brave when I was your age.

808. Okay, look,

809. you want it to be a secret? I get it.

810. I will not tell a soul, okay?

811. But-but I'm here now.

812. Okay, you are not in this alone.

813. And I will, I will help you.

814. Let me help you, 'cause we can win this thing!

815. We can win it.

816. We can...

817. We can win the whole thing.

818. Okay?

819. It doesn't matter, um...

820. because I just found out that Josh has a girlfriend.

821. - What? - No, it makes sense, because I texted him

822. 46 hours ago and he hasn't gotten back to me,

823. because he's busy with his girlfriend.

824. No, no, no.

825. His Facebook status says he's single,

826. and if he was into her, why would it say that?

827. That's what I said.

828. Exactly. All right. This is why you need me.

829. All right, look,

830. if we play this right, one day,

831. it is gonna hit him

832. like a bag of nails to the balls,

833. and that day,

834. he will text.

835. Are you a witch?

836. I-I can't. I think I might faint.

837. - Just, I can't, I can't, I can't. - Okay, hold on, no, no, no.

838. I can't...

839. - What? - Josh Chan.

840. Oh, God, oh, God.

841. “Want to grab dinner?”

842. Smiley face.

843. My God, is it really smiley? There's a smiley face!

844. You want to go drive by his house?

845. You know where he lives?

846. This is gonna be so much fun.

847. Hey, Denise. It's me, Nipsey Hussle.

848. I recently had an eye-opening experience.

849. I'm calling to apologize for the way I treated you

850. when you danced in my recent music video.

851. Denise, I'm sorry that I showered you with Cristal.

852. I didn't even ask if you liked Champagne,

853. and it probably messed up your blow out.

854. Ashley, I realize now that it wasn't right for me

855. to tell you what to do with that big fat butt.

856. You can wiggle it,

857. or you could sit it down in a classroom

858. and get that college degree in communications.

859. Chelsea, I'm sorry I put you in a bikini made of gold coins

860. and then made you dance on the roof of my Bentley.

861. I realize now that metal conducts heat

862. and that was probably a very uncomfortable experience.

863. Anyway, Denise, hit me up whenever you get this.

864. I'd love to discuss The Second Sex

865. by Simone de Beauvoir, which I just read.

866. You are beautiful inside as well as out.

867. You are my equal.