Conan O'Brien Must Go 1x4

1. Earth, a cradle for unimaginable beauty

2. and staggering wonder.

3. Incomprehensible, overwhelming,

4. this planet mocks our feeble power to describe it.

5. Yes, to truly appreciate the astounding grandeur

6. of this planet, sometimes you must defile it.

7. Behold the defiler.

8. His character is vile, base, and depraved.

9. Once a proud talk show host,

10. he has been driven by a changing ecosystem

11. to a drier and harsher climate,

12. the weekly podcast.

13. Here, without the nourishment of his studio audience,

14. this clown with dull, tiny eyes,

15. the eyes of a crudely painted doll

16. is forced to feed on that meagerest of morsels,

17. the random call-in fan.

18. Unhinged by the feral scent of their mild enthusiasm,

19. he scavenges in distant lands,

20. uninvited,

21. fueled by a bottomless hunger for recognition

22. and the occasional selfie.

23. This is madness.

24. This is lunacy.

25. This is chaos.

26. This is his ancestral hallowed ground.

27. Here's a picture of me when I was ten years old,

28. the same year my parents sat me down

29. and told me the unthinkable.

30. I was Irish.

31. Since then, I've heard a lot about my ancestors

32. leaving Ireland for America in the 19th century,

33. including our family patriarch,

34. Thomas Noonan O'Brien,

35. who headed to Central Massachusetts to purchase

36. a big fake mustache.

37. But while I knew his name, I didn't know much about

38. the life he left behind in Ireland.

39. And then I realized, wait, I have a travel show.

40. I can go find my roots, road trip around Ireland,

41. call it content,

42. and send the bill to a hapless streaming service.

43. And as soon as I landed,

44. I knew immediately that I was with my people.

45. Welcome home.

46. There's no way the horse makes it into the show.

47. Oh, this'll be in, all right.

48. Never.

49. I set off to explore Ireland

50. and received the same hero's welcome

51. as other famous Irish sons.

52. Hey, if you're driving through Ireland,

53. you have to stop in County Tipperary.

54. Why you ask?

55. To pay homage to the Barack Obama Plaza highway rest stop.

56. Beautiful likenesses of the presidential couple.

57. They're waving at drivers on the M7.

58. This is Pat McDonagh.

59. And this was your concept?

60. That's right.

61. This is because Barack Obama has an eighth cousin

62. who lives in the area.

63. That's correct, yeah.

64. I bet you have a whole string of presidential plazas.

65. Yeah. And we're—

66. I was at your Lyndon Johnson flapjack house

67. half an hour ago.

68. Because I'm a son of Ireland, you've arranged

69. a little honor for me as well.

70. This is fantastic!

71. And this is amazing.

72. Look, there's already a crowd gathering here.

73. Yeah, absolutely.

74. People are— kids are excited.

75. Do you think you'll be using the Conan O'Brien air pump?

76. - Absolutely. - Of course.

77. The best air in Ireland.

78. We dedicated this five minutes ago,

79. and water is already shooting out of the water pump

80. at the Conan O'Brien air pump.

81. Not my problem.

82. I only handle air.

83. OK, Pat, I have a great surprise for you.

84. One, two, three, go!

85. - Wow. - Yes!

86. It's an exact likeness of me if I were in a terrible accident.

87. Hey...

88. So let's slide it in, guys.

89. I'm high-fiving Obama.

90. Look at that!

91. Very good, very good, very good.

92. Right?

93. Barack Obama just had air put in his tire

94. at the Conan O'Brien air pump.

95. That's what's being commemorated here.

96. Oh.

97. Next, I headed to Ireland's largest city, Dublin,

98. where I got a crash course in how to speak like a local.

99. Lynn, you are from the north side of Dublin.

100. I would like to learn what you people refer to as the Dub.

101. I know there are many different variations on it...

102. - Yeah. - But just give me the basics.

103. The basics.

104. So if you walked out of here now, if you said to somebody,

105. - what's the crack? - What's the crack?

106. Yeah.

107. What's the crack means, what's going on?

108. Yeah, like, what's up?

109. What's the story?

110. If we were at a party and the party was really good,

111. we— you might say to someone else, that was great crack.

112. Would I ever say, I enjoyed your crack?

113. You might, but it will mean something different.

114. Right.

115. That would be if you had a good ride.

116. What's that mean?

117. A ride means, oh, he's gorgeous.

118. - Ride? - Like riding a bike.

119. But because you're a redhead—

120. I'm sorry to all me redhead people, I love you very much.

121. But you would caveat it with, "He's a ride for a ginger."

122. Why do people do that?

123. This is Ireland.

124. I get that shit in the—

125. I'm sorry, shite.

126. I get that in the rest of the world.

127. And then I come to Ireland, and you're like,

128. "Well, as redheads go"--

129. I think we're quite sexy.

130. Extremely sexy for redheads.

131. That's— don't say that!

132. It's not funny.

133. We're very attractive people.

134. Ron Howard— oh, fuck.

135. We use the same word for a lot of things.

136. So say, Mickey.

137. Do you know what—

138. I can't believe I'm not to go there.

139. A Mickey is when someone puts something in your drink.

140. - No. - What is it here?

141. Mickey, in Ireland, is your penis.

142. What?

143. - Yeah. - My God.

144. Yeah.

145. Earlier today someone said, I put a Mickey in your drink.

146. And then later on, I noticed I wasn't sleepy.

147. I wasn't sleepy at all.

148. Yeah.

149. But we use the same—

150. But the drink tasted slightly a-cock!

151. I think I got to start speaking faster because you

152. - speak very quickly. - Yeah.

153. I'll put a little lilt on it, and I'll speak quickly.

154. Yeah. Got a few jars in.

155. - Got a few jars— what's that? - Jars.

156. - Jars. - Drinks.

157. I've got a few jars in.

158. I was just praying to, what is it, Jessie Christy?

159. - Janey Mac. - Janey Mac.

160. Yeah.

161. I just had a prayer with Janey Mac,

162. because he found me sticking me Mickey in a light socket!

163. You know what I mean? That kind of thing, right.

164. Well, that's not saying a lot for your Mickey

165. actually, because light sockets are—

166. - they're quite small. - I had an adapter.

167. OK, right.

168. Being a little loose with the mouth too.

169. That sounds actually more patronizing, stereotypical.

170. That's what I—

171. - Da, da, da, da, da, da, da. - Oh—

172. The Americans go on television and kind of go,

173. - oh— di, dir, dir, dir, dir. - Yeah.

174. She wants me gold, eh.

175. So when you're young, growing up in Dublin,

176. if you were wrecking your ma's head, right?

177. If I was a wrecking my ma's head?

178. That's a niner.

179. You know, just in her ear, a niner.

180. She'd say—

181. You know, you think you're explaining things,

182. but you're not.

183. You're throwing me in the soup every time.

184. I don't know what you're saying.

185. You're wrecking your ma's head like a niner.

186. What does that mean?

187. That's just— that's just gibbeldy-goo, you know,

188. which I'm sure is the town you're from.

189. There's an equal relationship here, where you're a student.

190. Mm-hmm.

191. So you might just be a really shy student.

192. I might be a shy student.

193. All right, rather than me being a bad teacher.

194. I'm going to put it on you.

195. Giving it socks.

196. That's being blithered in the blathered.

197. No.

198. Just imagine you're in a rave.

199. And you're like, absolutely wrecking it.

200. Monkey.

201. Uh, I don't know.

202. You don't know what monkey is?

203. - Dirty. - What's that?

204. - Dirty. - Oh, dirty.

205. - No, door-ty. - Door-ty.

206. I thought you wanted to speak like me.

207. But yet you keep trying to force me to speak like you.

208. I'm not trying to force you to do anything.

209. No, you keep going, "Sorry, sorry.

210. Is it dirty?"

211. I enjoy this crack I'm having with you.

212. Eh, going on the lash.

213. Going on the lash.

214. Going on the drink.

215. We're all going on the lash.

216. And then you might say, and I'm absolutely dying for me hole.

217. Oh, Janey Mac.

218. Oh, I'm dying for the hole?

219. - Me hole. - Me hole?

220. - Yeah. - That means I'm want—

221. - I'm interested in what? - It's like I—

222. - What do you mean? - I'm gagging for it.

223. - It's like— - I'm gagging for my hole.

224. Is— I'm interested in sex? Is that what you're saying?

225. I'm for me hole means, that I want to have sex.

226. But it sounds like no one else needs to be there.

227. If you said, I'm going to wear the hole of you—

228. Yeah.

229. That would be different to, I want to get me hole.

230. That hole is that hole.

231. But—

232. Right? If you were to say me hole,

233. then you're talking about your bum.

234. But if you were saying, I'd like me hole,

235. you're talking about a different hole.

236. Well, first of all, I'm glad that we met

237. in this beautiful bar to talk about this.

238. So how about we have a conversation

239. - rather than you repeat me. - Sure.

240. What's the crack, Conan?

241. Eh, I'm going to go down over to the pub

242. and then go to the club.

243. Get me socks.

244. Get me socks on.

245. Get me socks off.

246. I'm going to wear me socks. I'm wearing socks.

247. I have socks.

248. I brought socks!

249. I have a jars over there at the pub.

250. Over there at the pub? At that pub over there?

251. It's that pub over there, yeah.

252. Are they all right over there?

253. Oh, yeah.

254. Well, you know, the man in the Dub, that work at the pub.

255. - Yeah? - Yeah.

256. I'm absolutely dying for me hole.

257. What do you like over there?

258. Oh, well, I'll get you a jar.

259. We'll put it in your hole.

260. No visit to Dublin is complete

261. unless you meet up with Bono.

262. It has to happen.

263. Problem is, Bono is hard to find.

264. It's offseason.

265. It's cold.

266. And often, Bono retreats into the shrubbery

267. to lay up on food and rest,

268. kind of prepare himself for the spring

269. and the next tour of Vegas.

270. I've heard reports that he's been

271. spotted here in Merrion Park.

272. When you're looking for Bono, you have to be patient.

273. You can't rush it.

274. That's a different band.

275. This is a promising area over here.

276. There's a lot of dense foliage.

277. There's been some very small footprints.

278. We have found trace evidence of Bono's scat.

279. Yeah, Bono's been here.

280. Oh, yeah.

281. Here we go.

282. These are fresh.

283. He sheds these during mating season

284. and then grows new ones.

285. Wait a minute.

286. There, right there, right there,

287. ahead of the woman with the baby carriage.

288. Right there. Can't tell.

289. Is that— see? See over there?

290. See over there? I'm pretty sure that's him!

291. Enhancing the footage confirmed it.

292. Bono was in the park.

293. Bono hunters have told me if you really want

294. to lure them in, you've got to use one of these.

295. It's a global Humanitarian Award.

296. It's not even real.

297. We're going to use this as bait.

298. We're going to bag us a Bono.

299. OK, the Humanitarian Award has been hanging

300. for about five minutes.

301. The trap is set.

302. I'm told, with Bono, this won't take long.

303. He can smell these things from miles away.

304. There he is! There he is!

305. Where? Where is he?

306. There he is! He's coming right—

307. Where do you see him?

308. - Right there! - Oh, he's the guy there!

309. There he is! There he is!

310. He's got it! He's got the award!

311. - There he goes! - There he goes!

312. Come on!

313. Bono!

314. Bono!

315. Damn it!

316. All right.

317. Let's get another Humanitarian Award.

318. I was starting to feel at home in Dublin.

319. So I decided to find out what the crack was

320. with an Irish fan I met on my podcast.

321. Conan.

322. Mohammed, how are you?

323. - I'm good. I'm good. - Where are you right now?

324. So right now I'm in my family home in Dublin in Ireland.

325. My family came here about 25 years ago from—

326. from Pakistan.

327. So I was born here, grew up here, raised in Dublin.

328. And for the past three, four years now,

329. I've been going to university in Bulgaria.

330. Wait a minute.

331. I'm trying to piece this together.

332. Your name is Mohammed.

333. - Yes. - You grew up in Ireland.

334. Yes.

335. And you're going to the University of Bulgaria.

336. - Yes. - Is that right?

337. I'm a fourth-year medical student out there.

338. What do you think you want to do in medicine?

339. Something surgery-wise I think would—

340. - would interest me quite a lot. - OK.

341. Well, my wish, and I know this is

342. a very strange thing to say, is that one day

343. you perform surgery on me.

344. - That would be— that would— - That's what I want.

345. - be an honor. - That's what I want.

346. That would actually be pretty— pretty incredible.

347. That's weird.

348. - Mohammed. - No.

349. Mohammed! Yes!

350. - What? - Yes!

351. - No! - Yes, Yes!

352. - Yes, Mohammed. - How are you?

353. - What? - Hey. How's it going?

354. - You mind if we come in? - No.

355. - Of course, of course. - Is it okay? Come on in.

356. Come on. Come on. This is crazy.

357. This is really nice.

358. Do you mind if I just relax here for a second?

359. Of course.

360. When last we spoke, you were studying medicine.

361. Yes.

362. What is your specialty going to be?

363. You told me you were interested in surgery.

364. Yeah.

365. Maybe something in the orthopedics, kind of.

366. - I love the, like— - You like a foot?

367. - Yeah. - You're a foot—

368. I like to be—

369. You're a foot guy.

370. You and Quentin Tarantino.

371. Oh, maybe.

372. - You know, I like his movies. - Yeah.

373. Well, you notice, he's always— the camera's always

374. - drifting down to the feet! - Exactly, yeah.

375. It's fantastic.

376. - This is your sister? - Yes.

377. So you're Pakistani descent.

378. But really, you grew up here—

379. Yeah.

380. I've been told my accent's been fading over the years

381. as well because—

382. It sounds— it sounds Irish to me.

383. OK. Good to know.

384. Do you use all the Irish jargon?

385. Like, when you get really angry or, you know, into it,

386. you'll go into the accent more.

387. So they hear more like, are you starting on me?

388. Are you starting on me?

389. Who the fuck do you think you are?

390. You know, I'm scarlet for your ma.

391. I'm scarlet for your man.

392. Scarlet for your ma for having you.

393. Scarlet for your dad for doing it with your ma.

394. Oh my God, this is so Pakistani.

395. - This is fantastic. - That's what I hear.

396. Let me try a couple on you,

397. because I've been trying to learn.

398. I'm told I'm quite a ride.

399. - Mm. - Who told you that?

400. Mm. That one's a bit—

401. Doesn't that mean he's, like, a handsome guy?

402. - Yeah, exactly. - It means more

403. that someone wants to have sex with you.

404. Someone wants to have sex with me.

405. Well, why did you— why is that so crazy to you?

406. No, I was just curious what the source was.

407. Hi.

408. - What's your name? - Makira.

409. Hi, Makira. How are you? Nice to see you.

410. I'm Conan.

411. You listen to the podcast sometimes?

412. Doesn't that affect your studies at all?

413. Do you think it hurts your studies?

414. Do you think I've hurt you in school?

415. OK.

416. Is it possible you could speak a little more quietly?

417. Because I can— you're screaming right now, OK.

418. Is that possible?

419. All right, good.

420. And I come to your house, you're living in Dublin.

421. And your shirt says, Wisconsin, USA.

422. What's happening?

423. Why?

424. You want to visit Wisconsin because you like the name?

425. Mm-hmm.

426. OK. Do you like cheese?

427. OK. Wow, I can tell from your tone of voice

428. that you really love cheese.

429. You guys must be very proud of Mohammed.

430. He's going to be what we decided today

431. is a foot surgeon, is that right?

432. Do you think it sounds a good idea for me

433. - to let your brother do surgery? - I could do it.

434. - I could do it. - You could do it?

435. - Yeah. - What's your qualification?

436. - I'm a doctor. - What kind of doctor?

437. Well, I want to do cardiology.

438. So if you want to let me practice on you there—

439. No. So you want to crack my chest

440. and operate on my heart?

441. - Sure. - That's not happening!

442. Any pains, any aches, anything like that?

443. Low back sometimes stiffens up.

444. - Gets your hand in there. - Yeah.

445. - What do you think? - Oh—

446. - That's just nice. - I think—

447. I think we can get you on the table, yeah?

448. - All right. - Get in there, Mohammed!

449. Here we go. Let me use the elbow a bit.

450. Yeah, there we go.

451. Now, if you— ahh!

452. This doesn't really count as surgery, does it?

453. No, it— it's procedure.

454. We're working on stuff.

455. This bed is now famous.

456. You can tell people that Conan O'Brien had

457. his back adjusted on this bed.

458. Get a little plaque here.

459. I think that'll look nice.

460. Well, that's actually our parents' bed, so—

461. I was just on your parents' bed?

462. Oh, that's just so—

463. I mean, what a Freudian tangle now.

464. Your parents sleep in that bed?

465. Yeah.

466. And I was just lying on it,

467. and your brother was on top of me?

468. - Yeah. - That must freak you out!

469. We were watching.

470. You'll never speak again!

471. As I said, it's my— it's my dream—

472. Yes.

473. that I come to Dublin and have the most

474. Irish guy I know, Mohammed,

475. perform a surgical procedure on me.

476. And we've decided you're going to remove a piece of toenail.

477. I think I can— I'm capable of that, yeah.

478. Clippers, please.

479. Doctor.

480. Right.

481. This shouldn't take too long.

482. OK, let's go.

483. There we go.

484. Uh, remove it all the way.

485. OK, you have to retrieve the organ.

486. Right.

487. Would you like your nail back?

488. You know what? I'm an organ donor.

489. So I would like that to go to someone who's in an accident

490. and has lost a little bit of toenail.

491. - Congratulations. - Thank you.

492. You're a real doctor now.

493. Once word got out that I was touring Ireland,

494. the offers started rolling in.

495. Well, one offer, to appear on

496. the longest-running Irish language soap opera,

497. "Ros na Rún."

498. - This is Mairead? - Mairead.

499. And you've been working here at—

500. am I saying it correctly, Ros?

501. - "Ros na Rún." - "Ros na Rún."

502. And that means valley of secrets.

503. Valley of secrets.

504. So there's a lot of intrigue and stuff

505. that goes on on this soap opera,

506. this drama series. Is that right?

507. There is, yeah.

508. It's a place you might not want to live.

509. It's lovely, but there is a lot of murder and—

510. - Ahh! - Crime.

511. - Wow. - Affairs and—

512. - OK. - things like that.

513. Ohh!

514. Oh, oh.

515. So everyone speaks Irish on this show.

516. And really, this is part of a cultural effort

517. to bring Irish back.

518. I've noticed that in Ireland they'll have the sign

519. in English and also in Irish, which is beautiful.

520. Yeah, yeah.

521. It is not an easy language, this Irish language.

522. It's not, but we'll see, see how you do today.

523. You'll get a little bit of help.

524. You'll be fine.

525. Quickly, I looked at the script,

526. and I've been assigned—

527. I'm just a delivery man.

528. You are.

529. Why didn't I get a role where I'm a sexy man

530. who's come to town and has maybe an affair?

531. No harm, Conan.

532. But we have to be true to life as well.

533. You know, it is a soap.

534. Delivery man, we thought it was a great fit.

535. So you thought it was impossible for me

536. to play a sexy man.

537. Is that what you're thinking of saying?

538. Look.

539. You make it as sexy as you want,

540. but also, it is so portraying real life.

541. So delivery man I think is a great fit.

542. Let me ask you a quick question.

543. Let's say Colin Farrell showed up to play a part.

544. - Would you make him— - Sexy delivery man.

545. Is it my age? You can say it.

546. - Just I'm a little old. - No, no.

547. - We're not ageist here. - You're not ageist.

548. - No. No. - It's just my face basically.

549. It's not! It's just a good fit.

550. It's a nice little scene.

551. We think you're going to do great.

552. You've crushed me.

553. - You crushed my feelings. - We have to be real.

554. No, we don't!

555. We could put some Vaseline on the lens,

556. make me look a little better, you know.

557. We don't have that much time.

558. Oh, I'm back home where I belong.

559. Kevin, thank you so much.

560. You're going to help me learn the language today.

561. You're going to be holding my cue cards.

562. What we've done today is, we've written out in a way

563. that we think will help people

564. of an English language background.

565. So what you did is, this is for an idiot.

566. You made this for an idiot.

567. - For beginners. - For beginners.

568. That's very nice. Thank you both.

569. OK.

570. Jee-uh-gh-itch.

571. - Jee-uh-gh-itch. - Jee-uh-gh-itch.

572. - How's that? - That's pretty good, yeah.

573. Arr-ih-ged.

574. Gh-aw-kh-aid you-row.

575. - That was pretty good. - That was good.

576. Knee-venn egg eer ah fawn-ucht suh

577. bowel shoh err ayn know-ss.

578. - There we go. - Right.

579. - Right? - Brilliant.

580. There's a great danger that while we're making this

581. you will fall in love with me.

582. I'm saying it's something that does—

583. I'm not sure, Conan.

584. I'll fall in love with you if we shoot the scene

585. in 40 minutes.

586. There might be a chance.

587. Eh?

588. Balloons.

589. Cash on delivery.

590. A sexy soap opera star was born.

591. And next, I was invited to audition

592. for an Irish supergroup.

593. I am standing here with three legends.

594. These are The Irish Tenors.

595. Gentlemen, could you give me a quick sampling

596. of just some small little bit that I could hear?

597. Oh, wow. That was— that blows my mind.

598. There's part of me that thinks the—

599. The Irish Tenors need a fourth.

600. - Let me give it a shot. - OK.

601. Breathe.

602. That's interesting.

603. Let's— let's try and take the— the—

604. just be yourself singing those.

605. Those are my trills.

606. - Once more with feeling. - Yeah.

607. Much better.

608. Jesus.

609. Bravo.

610. You nailed it.

611. I just lost a testicle.

612. It dropped out.

613. Oh, God.

614. It's in this shoe right now.

615. - What is your name? - I'm Jean.

616. Jean, how are you, and where are you from?

617. - And I'm from Dublin. - Oh, you're from Dublin?

618. I'm from Dublin.

619. My people, we went to America about 150 years ago.

620. Oh my goodness.

621. Your Irishness never leaves you.

622. - It never leaves us, does it? - It never leaves.

623. And everybody says that.

624. She's right.

625. Your Irishness never leaves you.

626. And I was off to learn about mine.

627. I'm sitting here with Catriona Crowe.

628. You are a genealogist.

629. That's right.

630. And so you study family records.

631. I know a phrenologist feels bumps on the head

632. and tries to tell if someone's dangerously insane.

633. But a genealogist studies family records.

634. - Is that correct? - That's exactly right.

635. I focus on the records.

636. I know very little about my family.

637. I wanted to kind of give you an idea of what

638. the records are showing.

639. I suppose if we start here with your great grandfather,

640. Thomas Noonan O'Brien—

641. Yes.

642. And he's the man who was born in Ireland but emigrated.

643. So really, Thomas Noonan O'Brien

644. is the one that did it.

645. He was the one that said we've got to get out of here,

646. - we have to go. - Mm-hmm.

647. - I had a genetic test— - OK.

648. - not too long ago. - Mm.

649. And the result came back, and it said I'm 100% Irish.

650. Could that have led to my madness?

651. Yeah, it's possibly linked to the red hair.

652. The red hair has sometimes been linked to madness?

653. Well, maybe more a temper, I suppose.

654. My writers have told me that I have a temper.

655. OK. OK.

656. I often, if I'm not pleased with the quality

657. - of their work— - Mm.

658. I've been known to fly into a rage.

659. And I'm quite physical with them,

660. beatings, pummelings.

661. Is the name Conan becoming more popular in Ireland

662. since my great fame?

663. I think you're the only Conan I know.

664. Can I try and pinpoint the location for you

665. on a few maps?

666. I'd like you to try that, yes.

667. Yeah. So—

668. Do you mind if I put on my glasses?

669. No, of course.

670. Can I put them on in kind of a funny comedic way?

671. Is that funny to you?

672. A little.

673. So we're looking at a map of County Limerick,

674. where Thomas was born, your great grandfather,

675. is in the parish of Galbally.

676. Galbally.

677. It's really just a group of farms.

678. All of the O'Brien family, they're agricultural laborers.

679. - So— - We were all farmers?

680. Well, at this generation, they're—

681. they're working for the tenant farmers.

682. Right.

683. So I suppose, if you put it at a class level,

684. they're— they're a rung below.

685. I come from very rural people, working-class.

686. Mm.

687. There's no chance that I would come back here and be

688. heir to a great fortune.

689. No, but do you really need that?

690. Yes, I do.

691. Are there any records in all of your research

692. that you've done on the O'Briens?

693. My family in particular, have you found any acts of heroism?

694. Everyday heroism I suppose, you know.

695. Do you think it's possible that in my own way,

696. I'm heroic?

697. Again in an everyday way.

698. OK.

699. You just cleared your throat.

700. There was no reason to.

701. I could tell there was no saliva back there.

702. You just did it to fill the awkward silence.

703. Yeah.

704. I gotcha.

705. One of the fakest throat clearings

706. I've ever heard in my life.

707. I mean, really.

708. - You did it again. - Oh, God.

709. You are so uncomfortable right now.

710. Do you think I'm heroic?

711. Um, um.

712. Think the O'Briens are a great line?

713. I'm told I have a fat head.

714. Is that something that would be in the O'Brien line?

715. - What's this? - Can I get a photograph?

716. Thank you.

717. And I get to keep the baby now?

718. - No. - Bye-bye.

719. Bye-bye.

720. Bye-bye now.

721. What's her name?

722. Nothing works up an appetite like stealing a baby.

723. So I decided to try the Irish breakfast staple

724. black pudding, also known as blood sausage.

725. Hey, I'm at Loughnane's Butcher.

726. - And your name is Dara. - Dara Loughnane, yeah.

727. OK.

728. Well, Dara, as you know, this is a travel show I'm doing.

729. And a big staple of travel shows now

730. is the host tasting the local food and going,

731. "This is incredible."

732. And maybe you show me how we make the blood pudding,

733. and then I can bite into it and be like, this is amazing,

734. just like Stanley Tucci does it?

735. Looks like he's having six orgasms all at once.

736. We show you the ingredients, and we'll—

737. we'll let you try some.

738. Black pudding starts with three types of ground pork

739. combined with oats, onion, and pig's blood,

740. lots and lots and lots of pig's blood,

741. which is all lovingly stuffed into a cow's intestine,

742. tenderly tied into links, then cooked, sliced,

743. and served as the premier delicacy of Ireland.

744. Oh, this is the finished product.

745. - Yes. - OK.

746. Here we go.

747. Mmm.

748. Oh, I feel like I've come home.

749. Next, I was off to the town of Wicklow

750. on the craggy Irish Coast to visit one of Ireland's

751. iconic lighthouses.

752. This is Brendan Conway. Hi, Brendan.

753. Hi. Nice to meet you, Conan.

754. You are the lighthouse keeper, yes?

755. Well, I used to live here as a child.

756. My father was the lighthouse keeper.

757. Your father was the lighthouse keeper.

758. - That's correct, yeah. - How does the light work?

759. Is there a big crank that you pull or a big lever?

760. It's just all automated. It just comes on on its own.

761. So you could leave for weeks at a time.

762. You could do. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

763. What are you doing here now?

764. - What am I doing here now? - Yeah.

765. I'm talking to you.

766. Oh.

767. It's so quiet too here.

768. Yeah, it's peaceful, isn't it?

769. Did the quietness and the solitude

770. do you think ever drive you mad?

771. Did you ever go insane?

772. Not for me, no. I enjoy it.

773. - Yeah. - Yeah.

774. Let's say the light goes out, where do you get a bulb

775. for one of those these days?

776. Do you have to have it specially made

777. or can you order one of those?

778. It's an LED.

779. So it—

780. It's an LED?

781. You're taking all the romance out of it.

782. It runs on a sensor automatically.

783. It's an LED that you get on Amazon.

784. I yearn for the old days of the old lighthouse keeper,

785. who's gone quite mad staring at the sea.

786. - That's what I yearn for. - OK.

787. Brendan, this is incredible.

788. It's hypnotic.

789. And the view you get here is spectacular.

790. Yeah, it's gorgeous, isn't it?

791. - Yeah. - Yeah.

792. - So see this steel cable? - Yeah.

793. So you'd crank it up like a clock.

794. It took the weights about 25 minutes

795. to reach the bottom of the tower.

796. You'd have to crank it every 25 minutes?

797. You would, yeah, so my father would be up here on his watch.

798. But what would he do— how would he sleep at night?

799. He didn't sleep.

800. It's like having a newborn.

801. I get it.

802. I understand why there's automation.

803. But to be honest, I yearn for the old ways.

804. Yeah.

805. You know, just the one lighthouse keeper

806. out here all by himself.

807. Just him and the sea, him and the sea

808. slowly going quite mad.

809. Hark! Poseidon, hark!

810. Our king, please look down upon thee and curse

811. the winds of modern plague

812. that sullies the ancient tradition!

813. Forge where rock meets sea!

814. Discard this technological detritus

815. into the black briny deep,

816. the last gasp of avant-garde convenience!

817. And scream to the heavens above!

818. I got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty!

819. I've got whozits and whatzits galore!

820. You want thingamabobs?

821. I've got 20!

822. But who cares?

823. No big deal.

824. I want more.

825. Me thinks that last part was "The Little Mermaid."

826. Yeah.

827. Uh...

828. Oh, the precious light,

829. the precious light.

830. Back in this century, it was finally time

831. to make a pilgrimage to the birthplace

832. of my great grandfather, Thomas Noonan O'Brien.

833. I'm very excited.

834. I am here in the village of Galbally.

835. Galbally.

836. This is where my great-grandfather—

837. - Thomas. - Thomas O'Brien,

838. he would have hung out in this little town square, right?

839. Absolutely.

840. Maybe he would have stopped off at Fraser's lounge bar

841. and undertaker to grab a pint and hit on a grieving widow.

842. Sir, your name is?

843. - Joss O'Brien. - You're an O'Brien.

844. And you're from Galbally.

845. I am an O'Brien.

846. My great-grandfather was Thomas O'Brien.

847. And he came from Galbally—

848. Mm-hmm.

849. in the 1870s.

850. Yes.

851. You don't seem that excited.

852. I'm back.

853. Look at me. I'm back.

854. I came back.

855. You're an O'Brien from Galbally.

856. I'm an O'Brien from Galbally.

857. We must be related, don't you think?

858. Oh, so it's not a big deal.

859. Jesus!

860. So you'd be happy about an O'Brien returning to Galbally

861. if he gave you some money?

862. Is— is a tenner OK?

863. I know it would have to be—

864. How much?

865. Few hundred thousand?

866. You want a few hundred thousand euro in order

867. to be excited about meeting an O'Brien?

868. I will. Have a good day.

869. Be careful crossing the road.

870. Yeah.

871. No, no, no. Don't worry.

872. But if you do, you can always sue.

873. That's where the money is.

874. Anything happens to you, you fall in one of these cameras,

875. you get the money.

876. Yeah, so go take a tumble.

877. - Run along now, little tumble. - OK.

878. And then you'll never work again a day in your life.

879. He's an O'Brien all right.

880. We're just off the main road here outside Galbally.

881. According to your calculations,

882. Thomas O'Brien, my great-grandfather,

883. would have lived— where do you think?

884. Is it in here?

885. Yeah, just round here there was a small cottage.

886. So I'm looking at the exact same view

887. that they would have had.

888. Mm-hmm.

889. And saw those mountains every day.

890. Yeah.

891. And they left this to go to America.

892. Yeah.

893. I think they screwed up.

894. - This is beautiful. - It is beautiful.

895. - They should have stayed here. - Yeah.

896. Yeah.

897. My quick question is, why is there no house anymore?

898. This is where the O'Briens lived.

899. The records show there was a house here.

900. So it was certainly, there was—

901. the newer laborer's cottage was here at least from the 1930s.

902. But most of those laborers' cottages,

903. they're gone from the landscape.

904. Catriona, I want to thank you sincerely for taking me here

905. and to see where my great-grandfather came from.

906. It's terrific.

907. Thank you so much really.

908. Thank you.

909. Yeah, what you do is really meaningful.

910. I mean, do I wish the house was still here?

911. - Yes. - Mm-hmm.

912. Am I a little hurt that it was destroyed?

913. Does part of me think that maybe it

914. was because they didn't like my work in America?

915. Yes.

916. But still, this is very moving.

917. And I thank you.

918. It was hard to believe I was sitting on the very land

919. where my great-grandfather lived and worked

920. and that my existence was the direct result

921. of his courageous decision to seek a better life in America.

922. And no matter where I went in Ireland,

923. I was struck by the unique character of the Irish,

924. their dark and biting wit,

925. their contagious charm,

926. and their unrivaled sexual repression.

927. I got my hole in.

928. Oh God! Oh God!

929. No wonder I felt a strong kinship

930. with everyone I met during my visit.

931. And I've never been prouder to hail from a country

932. that has produced some of the best thinkers

933. and artists the world has ever known.

934. And of course, I'm including myself on that list.

935. An artist?

936. You've gotta be shitting me!

937. Thank you, Ireland.

938. You are quite the ride...

939. for a ginger.

940. This is deranged.