Conan O'Brien Must Go 1x3

1. Earth, a cradle for unimaginable beauty

2. and staggering wonder.

3. Incomprehensible, overwhelming,

4. this planet mocks our feeble power to describe it.

5. Yes, to truly appreciate

6. the astounding grandeur of this planet,

7. sometimes, you must defile it.

8. Behold, the defiler.

9. His character is vile,

10. base, and depraved.

11. Once a proud talk show host,

12. he's been driven by a changing ecosystem

13. to a drier and harsher climate,

14. the weekly podcast.

15. Here, without the nourishment of his studio audience,

16. this clown with dull, tiny eyes,

17. the eyes of a crudely painted doll,

18. is forced to feed on that meagerest of morsels,

19. the random call-in fan.

20. Unhinged by the feral scent of their mild enthusiasm,

21. he scavenges in distant lands,

22. uninvited,

23. fueled by a bottomless hunger for recognition

24. and the occasional selfie.

25. This is madness.

26. This is lunacy.

27. This is chaos.

28. This is "Conan O'Brien Must Go."

29. Hi, Conan. My name is Sebastian.

30. I'm calling from Buenos Aires, Argentina.

31. Tell me a little bit about yourself, Sebastian.

32. I'm an artist, a painter, illustrator.

33. And these are my— some of my paintings.

34. Oh, my God.

35. You're really— you're really good.

36. - Amazing. - Those are terrific.

37. I'm curious. Would you ever paint me?

38. Oh, yeah. You are very handsome.

39. - Oh, that's—see? - Thank you.

40. There you go.

41. And what have you noticed about me

42. that stands out in a portrait?

43. You have, like, a chin—

44. like a tomato soup chin, you know?

45. Wait.

46. Wait a minute. Wait.

47. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

48. I have a tomato soup can chin?

49. The Campbell— the Campbell soup, you know?

50. I don't care what type of soup it is.

51. Wow.

52. Hey, hey, my friend. How are you?

53. - What are you doing here, man? - Nice to see you. How are you?

54. You're as handsome in person as you are—

55. You too, man. You too, man.

56. - Eh, you like that chin? - You are taller.

57. - You are taller. - Yeah, I'm much taller, yeah.

58. Nice to see you.

59. - This is Bruno, one of my— - Hey, Bruno.

60. How are you? Bruno.

61. - Santiago. - Santiago.

62. Santiago, Bruno, nice to see you.

63. Um, and must embrace the way people do in this country,

64. which is I'm supposed to kiss you, right?

65. - Yeah. - OK.

66. Mwah.

67. Now, I won't kiss boys.

68. - That won't happen. - Yeah.

69. And I won't get caught again.

70. That's not happening again.

71. OK?

72. - That's— - You already did that?

73. That's AI. That's a fake tape.

74. Um, listen, just a joke, kids.

75. You like that kind of joking around, don't you?

76. - Yeah, yeah. - Isn't it funny?

77. Ha-ha-ha. It's a funny area.

78. Your father is a great artist.

79. And I would like to see some of your artwork in person.

80. - OK. - Is that possible?

81. Yes. The studio is upstairs.

82. I'm like "Ra-poon-zel."

83. - You're like what? - "Ra-poon-zell."

84. - Rapunzel. - Rapunzel.

85. You're in Argentina.

86. No, no, I'm sorry. I don't care.

87. - Princess with the long hair. - Uh, yes, yes.

88. Oh, I know who it is. I know who it is.

89. It's Rapunzel, though. We say Rapunzel.

90. - We don't say— - He's not a princess.

91. No, uh—OK, listen, you two.

92. I want you to go to bed.

93. Here's my studio.

94. This is tiny. This is a very small space.

95. It's only one person studio.

96. Why don't you paint out here?

97. Here, it's very hot with the sun.

98. - Yeah. - The sun is like—

99. Yeah, the sun is in the sky, yes.

100. It's not in the sky.

101. What's that?

102. It's not in the sky.

103. The sun is not in the sky?

104. It's in the space.

105. It's in space?

106. Do you ever throw him off the building?

107. - I try. - You can throw him?

108. - But he come back. - OK.

109. Oh, this guy looks like a lot of—

110. there's a guy there scowling at us.

111. You know who that is?

112. - He keeps looking up at us. - Yeah.

113. Hola! Cómo está?

114. - OK. Look— - OK.

115. Now, you have a lot of friends, right?

116. Of course.

117. Now, you, kind of loner.

118. - No. - No. You're—right?

119. Yes.

120. You're— keep to yourself, right?

121. Just you and your little experiments, right?

122. You kill mice for fun?

123. Right?

124. Does he—does he— are there a lot

125. of dead animals in the neighborhood,

126. and this guy is killing them?

127. - He has his friends. - Yeah, yeah.

128. - I have a dog. - Yeah, you have a dog.

129. Well, he's not going to last long.

130. With him? No.

131. Yeah. OK, listen, I'm just giving you a hard time.

132. - I'm kidding around with you. - OK.

133. - OK? - He wants to be famous.

134. You want to be famous?

135. I am famous right now.

136. Yeah, well, once the body count gets up,

137. you'll be well-known.

138. You know, you got to beat Bundy.

139. He had, like, 48.

140. You'll get there.

141. God, look at him grinning.

142. Yeah.

143. He's like, "Mm, I'm at 44."

144. Hey, and cats don't count.

145. Don't jump off that thing. You'll be killed.

146. - What's wrong with you guys? - Let me—

147. What's that?

148. I'm going to push?

149. Oh, never tell people about your crimes.

150. That's for later on when they come and interview you

151. in the jail cell.

152. - Um, you've done a terrible job. - Thank you.

153. There are the worst children I've ever talked to.

154. OK, I brought Sebastian in here,

155. away from those devil children

156. 'cause I want to pitch him an idea.

157. Sebastian, you agreed to do a painting of me.

158. I'm wondering maybe

159. I should be with two other famous Argentinians.

160. Maybe if I'm with Messi in the painting

161. - and I'm with the Pope... - Oh, nice.

162. It's the three of us. And I have my—

163. OK, yeah.

164. Maybe I have my arms around them.

165. And maybe we give it a title.

166. OK.

167. "The Sacred Sons of Argentina."

168. You're one of them?

169. I have to say, I'm very impressed.

170. It's been half an hour, tops.

171. And this is what Sebastian has come up with.

172. - That looks fantastic. - Thank you.

173. You are very talented, seriously.

174. Thank you.

175. Could this be a mural?

176. Well—

177. Where people can see it.

178. What if we do, like— I do a painting.

179. Mm-hmm.

180. And then inspiring that painting, we do a mural.

181. Sure.

182. You have someone who can help us make this a mural?

183. - Yes, one of the best. - OK.

184. We are like the Avengers of paintings.

185. Oh, yeah. Which one are you? You Iron Man?

186. No, I'm, uh—

187. uh, the girl.

188. Oh.

189. I don't know what the name.

190. Black Widow.

191. Oh, I don't know. I don't know the Avengers.

192. So you reference the Avengers, but you don't—

193. - Yeah, but I don't know them. - You don't know any of them.

194. Thor, Thor is Avenger.

195. Sure. Yeah.

196. Superman, no.

197. No, you're crossing Marvel and DC.

198. - Oh, sorry. - That would get you—

199. in America, they would shoot you for that.

200. - Sorry. - Fantastic.

201. - This will be a mural. - OK.

202. Whenever I visit a new country,

203. I like to learn the local customs,

204. so I can ignore them.

205. We are in downtown Buenos Aires.

206. - Is that right? - Yes.

207. And this is Martina.

208. Martina has agreed to help me.

209. - You're a translator. - Yeah.

210. I want to make sure that I understand all I need to know

211. about being in Argentina.

212. Well, people here are super friendly.

213. Super friendly, that's good because I'm friendly, too.

214. People generally kiss each other, for example,

215. when they say hello.

216. You can just say hello like,

217. - "Hello, Conan." - Hello. Mwah.

218. - OK, so be quick. - And that's it.

219. I'm gonna show you how quick it is.

220. - Look, look. - Like that.

221. - Mwah. - Done.

222. OK. So it's like a pretend kiss.

223. It's like a—mmm. Like—

224. Yes, but you actually, like, touch each other.

225. You can actually, like, do like this.

226. You're making it so weird.

227. - But, yeah. - That's what I do.

228. That's what you do.

229. That is my gift from God.

230. From God.

231. What are some insults that I can use that are very, like—

232. people can tell, "Oh, he's really from Buenos Aires"?

233. - So we use a lot, boludo. - Boludo.

234. Yes. So it's like, "Qué boludo."

235. Qué boludo. What does that mean?

236. You know, like, such an idiot, you know, like—

237. - Qué boludo. - Qué boludo.

238. Pretend you're very mad at me right now.

239. I was very late to meet you for this coffee.

240. Hola. Cómo está?

241. Conan. So boludo.

242. Have you checked the time?

243. Uh, we must kiss first.

244. Oh, my God.

245. OK.

246. It's OK. Just stay there.

247. Stay here?

248. What is the attitude about Americans here, in general?

249. It depends on the American.

250. So sometimes— not all of you,

251. but some of you are very loud...

252. Abogado!

253. Taking a lot of, like, space...

254. This is tiny.

255. And, uh, being a bit rude.

256. - You've done a terrible job. - Thank you.

257. These are the worst children I've ever talked to.

258. We're not all that way.

259. I don't know if this is for the show,

260. but we had the worst dictatorships

261. because of the support of the American government,

262. not the people.

263. That's true in many countries too, also.

264. Mm-hmm, yes, especially in Latin America.

265. Many Latin American countries, that's true.

266. And you're right.

267. This won't make it into the show.

268. But sorry. I will just...

269. - No, no, no. No. - Stop talking about politics.

270. No, not because it's not true but because, you know,

271. we try to do— make things funny.

272. Yes, like, fun and—

273. And I've always tried to make it funny

274. that America's imperialist past has ruined countless...

275. Yeah.

276. Huge continents all around it.

277. I mean, my God, our track record is pretty abysmal.

278. But then again, so are most superpowers.

279. I mean, look what England did.

280. But again, this isn't going to make it into the show

281. - because it's not light. - Oh, yes.

282. You know, it's not light and fun.

283. Uh-huh.

284. But America, England, look what the Spanish did.

285. I mean, my God, Spain, colonial Spain, just terrible.

286. I mean, what country that achieved power

287. didn't then misuse it

288. and cause a lot of misery around the world?

289. America is just one in a long list.

290. Well, this is the kind of comedy I'm doing now.

291. You can send my Peabody Award...

292. To 505 Wilshire Boulevard.

293. OK? That's Los Angeles, California.

294. I was just thinking other things

295. that are annoying by the Americans

296. when you come here sometimes.

297. Oh, that's nice. Let's hear more about that.

298. What a great date this is.

299. Yes, this is.

300. And what happens when I leave?

301. - Do we kiss goodbye? - Oh, so we say ciao.

302. Ciao.

303. So you have to kiss everyone when you leave a room.

304. - Wait. - Even if you don't know them—

305. Every time you leave a room, you have to kiss everyone?

306. Even if you don't know them, you kiss them.

307. What if you're dismissed from a jury?

308. Do you get up, and you, like, kiss everyone in the jury?

309. If you are good friends, yeah.

310. Juror number seven, you're dismissed.

311. Well, I'm so sorry, Your Honor.

312. Mwah, mwah, mwah.

313. Give me a minute. Yeah.

314. - Really? That's crazy. - It's insane.

315. Oh. Ciao.

316. - Ciao. - Ciao.

317. - That was so weird. - Ciao.

318. Ciao. Ciao!

319. - Ciao. - Ciao.

320. Sorry.

321. - Only one. - Ciao.

322. - Oh, just one time. - Right.

323. No. One time.

324. Did I get you all ready?

325. Yeah.

326. Mwah.

327. - I love you. - Te amo. I love you.

328. - What are you doing here? - Oh, oh, kiss.

329. Oh.

330. After making out with all my new friends,

331. I decided to catch up with an old one.

332. Of course, Argentina is famous for meat and wine.

333. And I know someone who claims to be

334. an expert on these matters, so I brought him along.

335. Some of you may know him as Jordan Schlansky.

336. - Jordan. - Yes.

337. Thank you for joining me.

338. - Thank you for having me. - Yeah.

339. Jordan, you and I have traveled to other countries together.

340. - Yes. - We've been to Japan.

341. Sure.

342. Shinto is everywhere, in us as well.

343. I think you're full of Shinto.

344. The United States.

345. I take issue with the way a lot of coffee bars

346. in the United States prepare their espresso.

347. I would rather watch this table spin

348. than listen to anything you have to say.

349. Where else?

350. - Italy. - Italy.

351. You want to be able to see your finger through it.

352. Jordan, see if you can see my finger.

353. But now we're here in Argentina.

354. - I asked— - Buenos Aires.

355. - Buenos Aires. - Yeah.

356. You don't have to do that.

357. - Yes. - Just say Buenos Aires.

358. I gesticulate sometimes to punctuate

359. the word that I speak.

360. I gesticulate too, a lot more when I was a teenager.

361. It's a masturbation joke.

362. I understand.

363. I think this is, uh, kind of an Argentinian barbecue place.

364. - Yes? - You may call it barbecue.

365. It's a little bit ham-handed, if you will.

366. But I call it asado.

367. I was trying to explain to the viewer

368. that, OK, this is like barbeque.

369. You can call it barbecue if you like, sure.

370. No, I'm going to call it the correct term.

371. - This is asado. - Yeah.

372. - We're having asado... - Yes.

373. - In Buenos Aires... - Yes.

374. With an asshole.

375. Let's toast each other.

376. All right.

377. What were you doing with your mouth?

378. - You went— - I was tasting this wine.

379. And what do you think?

380. It's adequate for—

381. this is perfectly suited to this situation.

382. Hey, that's great.

383. Let's get the owner of the restaurant over

384. and say, "Hey, thanks a lot. This was adequate."

385. Should we do that?

386. You know, the magic doesn't necessarily have to be

387. in the wine bottle.

388. The magic is between us, two gauchos.

389. Oh, then we're fucked.

390. Totally fucked.

391. Uh, mi nombre es Conan.

392. - Enrique. - Enrique.

393. - And Jor— - Yo soy Jordan.

394. Mucho gusto.

395. Tell us, uh— the meats, carnes, asada.

396. - Asada. - Qué tipos—

397. qué tipos de asada tiene usted?

398. word that you just said.

399. Yeah.

400. Mm, very good.

401. - Culturally... - Yeah.

402. How familiar are you with the culture of Argentina?

403. - Well, I know... - We're here.

404. That regarding culture of the Argentines,

405. I'm certainly no expert.

406. However, I will tell you that I know that the passion

407. and intensity of tango is—

408. flows through the blood of the Argentine people.

409. It's on every street corner that we encounter.

410. - Tango. - "Tahn-go."

411. Tango.

412. It's pronounced "tahn-go."

413. Tango.

414. "Last Tango in Paris."

415. "Last 'Tahn-go' in Paris."

416. Or more accurately, "Last 'Tahn-go' in 'Paree.'"

417. No one's ever said,

418. "I just saw that movie that I don't understand.

419. "It's really freaking weird with Marlon Brando

420. called 'Last 'Tahn-go'" in 'Paree."

421. No one's ever said that. Not once.

422. But we just said it. We just said it.

423. - Not once! - No, once, right here.

424. We both said it. That's twice.

425. What do you call "Jaws," "Ja-wuz"?

426. No, "Jaws." That's an English word.

427. Yeah. ET, "Eh-tuh."

428. Let's go watch "Star Wars."

429. It's OK to say tango.

430. Well, the word is "tahn-go."

431. But you can say tango.

432. Now, you see, this is a problem right here.

433. This is my biggest problem with this place.

434. What?

435. This is purified water, not spring water.

436. Do you know what purified water is?

437. Who cares?

438. It's vapor-distilled,

439. which removes all the dissolved solids, right?

440. So now it's a completely pure water,

441. which one might think is positive.

442. However, they realize this.

443. And after they vapor-distilled this water

444. and removed all dissolved solids,

445. they artificially put minerals back in.

446. You know, things like calcium and magnesium.

447. This is emulating spring water.

448. And my logic is just get the spring water.

449. You know what?

450. You said exactly what I was thinking.

451. God bless you. I was thinking the same thing.

452. What's this?

453. No minerals?

454. No, it has minerals. They're artificially added.

455. Uh, that's what I said. Artificially-added minerals?

456. I don't get why you can't follow this.

457. - The minerals are removed... - That's what I said.

458. And they're put back in artificially.

459. Remove them and put them back in?

460. That's what I said. Remove them, put them back in?

461. I just want spring water that has the natural minerals.

462. - That's what I said. - I'll accept from 150 TDS—

463. I just want a spring water.

464. I don't want it removed and put it back in.

465. - I didn't want that. - No.

466. That's what I said.

467. You just want the minerals as they occur in nature.

468. I want the minerals as they occur in nature.

469. Yeah.

470. Remove 'em and put them back in?

471. Whether it's Evian with 150 TDS

472. or Gerolsteiner from Germany with 20—

473. It's Gerolsteiner!

474. No, it's Gerolsteiner.

475. It's Gerolsteiner!

476. Gerolsteiner.

477. You know it's not Frankenstein, right?

478. You know, it's "Franken-schtein."

479. You know that, right?

480. Look.

481. Mmm.

482. Nice and cold.

483. Well, you see, you're dulling the flavor of that wine

484. like you're trying to dull your own childhood pain

485. with that meat.

486. I don't mind your shenanigans with the asado.

487. But I really liked that.

488. And I don't want your disgusting slobber on it.

489. I know I did talk a lot about sharing in Argentine culture.

490. Yeah, but this is barbaric.

491. I'm sorry.

492. And I just wanted the entraña.

493. And I knew out of all the five meats we have,

494. you have to pick that one up and decide to be funny.

495. So you're admitting this is funny?

496. I win.

497. Look, I'm Nixon.

498. No one knows that reference anymore.

499. This is a real Argentine parilla.

500. Now, you're talking about coal...

501. - Coal. - And wood.

502. Why the angle, do you think, Jordan?

503. Well, you have to understand

504. the principles of thermodynamics.

505. - Now, you understand— - I don't.

506. So let's just skip it.

507. OK.

508. You say tango or "tahn-go"?

509. Tango.

510. - Tango, right? - Sí, tango.

511. - Tango? - Tango, tango.

512. - Tango? - Tango.

513. - Tango. - Tango.

514. Tango! They don't say "tahn-go," you idiot!

515. It's "tahn-go."

516. It's not "tahn-go"! These people live here!

517. Anyhoo, we learned that it's tango, not "tahn-go."

518. And that I know about meat

519. because I have the ultimate respect

520. for what they do here.

521. Jordan might not be a fan of mine,

522. but luckily, this guy is.

523. Hello, Conan.

524. This is Matías, and I'm calling from Argentina.

525. Tell us a little bit about yourself, Matías.

526. I've just started the 11th season of our radio program.

527. Tell us about your radio show.

528. That's exciting. It's been going on 11 seasons?

529. Well, the problem is that nobody listens to us.

530. But otherwise, it's going great.

531. When you say nobody—

532. when you say nobody listens, give me an actual figure

533. of how many people listen to the radio show.

534. About, uh, four.

535. - Oh. - Maybe three.

536. Jesus Christ.

537. - Oh. - We might—

538. Here's what I can promise you, Matías,

539. is that you currently have four listeners

540. that you're related to.

541. Yes.

542. I can improve your listenership.

543. - Hola. - Hola, Conan.

544. - Hey. - What's up?

545. Matías.

546. - How are you? - Cómo está? How are you?

547. You have a radio show.

548. And you only have about four listeners?

549. Yes. In a good day, five.

550. On this radio station, what's the highest rated show?

551. How many people listen?

552. I think it's Camino Emprendedor and 130.

553. - They have 130 people? - Yeah.

554. So that's the show we need to take down.

555. - Exactly. - Who hosts that show?

556. I don't know.

557. Well, you've done your research.

558. You don't know?

559. I don't know my enemy, no.

560. Well, I'm here to give you some ambition, OK?

561. - OK. - I want to get the numbers up.

562. And I want you to believe in yourself.

563. Right.

564. First of all, we'll start with your posture.

565. I mean, up straight, let's go.

566. Yes.

567. And do this occasionally.

568. Look around and say, "Hmm."

569. Hmm.

570. There are horizons to conquer.

571. There are horizons to conquer.

572. Yeah, this is the kind of stuff you want to do.

573. Who's on the t-shirt?

574. Uh, this is Cosmo and Wanda from "The Fairly OddParents."

575. OK.

576. You can't be wearing these.

577. You have a Powerpuff Girl t-shirt?

578. Uh, actually, I kind of

579. have a plushy of the Powerpuff Girls.

580. Yeah.

581. You—you sick freak.

582. What are you doing to these plushies?

583. No, no, they are decoration.

584. Well, they start as decorations.

585. Then later on, you're washing them twice a day.

586. Oh, Jesus Christ.

587. Well, I'm sorry.

588. - This has got to go. - OK.

589. I want to see a new Matías.

590. Is this, like, going to be like a makeover episode?

591. No, I don't know how to do that.

592. - No. - Oh.

593. I don't—no, not really.

594. I mean, just lose the goddamn t-shirt, and we're fine. OK?

595. OK.

596. Today I'm going to co-host the show with you.

597. - Yes. - Now, I am a businessman.

598. I didn't get where I am just doing things for free.

599. Will I be paid?

600. Um...

601. no.

602. The whole inflection was there's more.

603. But then you said nothing more.

604. Well, um, so no.

605. Period.

606. It's funny. I usually don't get nervous.

607. I'm nervous.

608. Eight, seven, six...

609. oh, man, Argentina, I hope you're ready.

610. Well, hello. Welcome to Noticias Decafeinadas.

611. And as you can see, I'm speaking

612. in English, which is unusual.

613. And that's because we have a special guest here,

614. Conan O'Brien. Hello.

615. Very nice to see you, Matías.

616. How are we making money here?

617. Uh, we're actually losing money.

618. Historically, we have always lost money.

619. Well, I think we should start making money.

620. And do you have any ideas

621. about how to make money with this?

622. Well, every now and then, you can do a free ad.

623. And they hear it.

624. And they go, "Wow, that's a good ad."

625. And then you say, "Well, if you want another one,

626. you have to pay," and then they pay.

627. Um, well, we could, um, sell maté, for example.

628. Yam, our operator, has maté right now.

629. Well, who's the maker of the maté that everyone likes?

630. - CBSé. - CBSé?

631. I'm being brought some right now.

632. I, Conan O'Brien, am now going to have some maté,

633. but not just any maté!

634. CBSé.

635. And now for that delicious sip.

636. Mmm.

637. Delicious.

638. Now you say, "Conan, what are you drinking?"

639. Conan, what—what are you drinking?

640. Try it again. Come on.

641. Conan, what are you drinking?

642. You don't even sound interested.

643. Say, "Hey, Conan. What'cha drinking?"

644. Hey, Conan, what's your thinking?

645. Ah.

646. OK, you're a disaster.

647. This is—

648. Say, "Conan, what's that you have there?"

649. Conan, what's that you— what's that you have there?

650. - Oh, my God. - Oh, Jesus.

651. Oh, my God. Just say, hi—

652. - Probably that part— - Just say—just say this.

653. - Say, "Hi, Conan." - Hi, Conan.

654. Ah, I'm glad you asked me what I'm drinking.

655. This is maté!

656. CBSé.

657. La gente de Argentina...

658. uh...

659. te amo, CBSé.

660. - Mm. - OK.

661. I have to stop you right now.

662. Why? What's wrong?

663. This is getting very perverted and crazy and weird.

664. Well, I'm just saying you're going to play this

665. for the good people at CBSé maté.

666. Yes—

667. They're going to lose their shit!

668. They're going to go crazy for this.

669. It lasted, like, five minutes.

670. So what?

671. Um, we're on a break right now, are we?

672. - Yes. - OK.

673. I just want to say—no, you—

674. there's no air conditioning in here.

675. - No. - OK.

676. It's very hot.

677. Yes.

678. Let me ask you quickly. Who is that over there?

679. Is that—the— the young woman?

680. - That's my sister, Carolina. - OK.

681. - How are you? - I'm very good.

682. It's hot in here.

683. So for our final segment, let's jump into

684. an Argentinian song from a great musician,

685. Gustavo Cerati.

686. - Oh, I love Gustavos. - Oh, really?

687. - Yeah, he's fantastic. - Oh, wow.

688. - He's—he's absolutely awesome. - Yeah, he's great.

689. I just listen to him non-stop.

690. So let's listen to more Gustavo Cerati

691. with "Otra Piel" from my favorite album, "Ahí Vamos."

692. Oh, I love this one. This is good.

693. Ah, great.

694. There's a great song on the side two.

695. Yes.

696. You know that song, right?

697. - Ah, yes. - And where are the vegetables?

698. We all ask that question.

699. Yeah.

700. - Can I say something? - Yes.

701. Yesterday I asked my brother if he was nervous about this.

702. He said to me,

703. "No, it's like talking to a dear, old friend."

704. - Oh, that's nice. - Yes, that was very nice.

705. And I hope I'm embarrassing you right now.

706. That's good. That's really sweet.

707. Well, it didn't work because I was really nervous.

708. No, but we are friends. We're friends.

709. - Yeah. - Yes.

710. - You're my amigo. - Exactly.

711. And you're my amiga.

712. Yes.

713. See? How I changed the—

714. the gender there?

715. No trip to Buenos Aires would be complete

716. without a lesson in its native dance, the tango.

717. Cassandra, the tango is Argentina, yes?

718. - Yes. - Yeah.

719. Yeah.

720. Some people say the great thing about tango

721. is there's no speaking.

722. Mm, the body language.

723. The body does the language.

724. Exactly.

725. - This is Mario. - Sí.

726. Mario is the owner of this tango school.

727. Why don't the both of you show me real tango?

728. I will watch.

729. La música, por favor!

730. Forward, right, left.

731. - Uh-huh. - Feet together.

732. - I see. - Left.

733. - Left. - Open, close.

734. - Yes. - Yes. Sí.

735. - Yeah. - Yeah.

736. I think I'll get that.

737. Back to the part where people's bodies

738. are pushed up against their bodies,

739. where bodies are touching.

740. That's the part that fascinates me.

741. - Ah, sí. - I mean, this, this, this.

742. - No, no, no, no, no. - This.

743. I want to see—

744. - I want to get in there! - Oh, my God.

745. I want to get this thing going.

746. You know what I mean?

747. I like when the legs are all wrapped around.

748. I don't really care if it's a guy or a girl

749. or a guy and a girl.

750. Doesn't matter to me.

751. So I don't look at you? I just look into the camera?

752. Into the distance.

753. And I see the future of our love.

754. - Oh, my God. - Maybe a child.

755. Oh, my God.

756. Wah, wah. And then he grows up.

757. Then I say, "Get out of here!

758. I'm doing the best I can!"

759. Sorry.

760. I do have a friend who says he knows a lot about tango.

761. Jordan?

762. - Buenas tardes. - Oh, hello. Buenas tardes.

763. Yeah. I want us to get a little closer here,

764. - even though I hate you. - OK.

765. I have spent many nights in the milongas of Buenos Aires,

766. surrounded by the passionate Latin rhythms

767. of the Argentine "tahn-go."

768. Tango.

769. - "Tahn-go." - Tell us.

770. - How do you say it? - "Tan-go."

771. - Tan—ah— - That's what I just said.

772. That's not what you're saying!

773. That is exactly what I said.

774. I'm gonna to—oh, man.

775. If they weren't cameras here, I'd kill you.

776. - And then kiss your corpse. - Oh, my God.

777. OK.

778. That was—I don't even know what that was.

779. It's hot, it's humid.

780. I think, clearly, there's some passion here.

781. - Mm-hmm. - Are you in—

782. OK.

783. Sorry, but— Sorry.

784. Sorry.

785. Are you in any danger of falling in love with me

786. during this dance? Be honest.

787. Mm...

788. yeah.

789. Hey, Conan. My name's Cammy.

790. I'm calling from Buenos Aires, Argentina.

791. Hey, Cammy. I'm told you need dating advice.

792. Are you dating?

793. I date men.

794. Only men, only older.

795. How much older than you do these men have to be?

796. Oh, as much as they can and it's not creepy.

797. What's creepy?

798. Is—60 seem creepy to you?

799. - A bit, yes. - OK.

800. You're exactly 60.

801. I'm exactly 60.

802. When you meet a guy, do you tell him you're a fan of mine?

803. I—I don't want to—

804. I don't want to hurt your feelings.

805. But they might not even know who you are.

806. Lies!

807. And they don't know Conan O'Brien.

808. They don't know the love of my life, Larry David.

809. The love of your life!

810. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

811. He's 76.

812. Yeah, but he's Larry David, dude.

813. Whoa!

814. Oh, oh, so Conan O'Brien's a creep

815. - because he just turned 60... - No.

816. And you see Larry David as a potential lover?

817. Cammy, come here. Cómo está?

818. Mwah.

819. Please have a seat.

820. I want to talk to you for a little bit.

821. Cammy, you're looking for someone

822. who's middle-aged, yes?

823. - Mm-hmm. - Good sense of humor.

824. Now, I proposed, as a hypothetical,

825. because, as we both know, I'm married.

826. This is hypothetical.

827. What about someone like me?

828. And you said, "No, Conan. You're too old."

829. But then you say Larry David. He's—

830. You're my idol, he's my crush.

831. - OK. - It's different.

832. Every man wants to be a woman's crush.

833. That's what we all want.

834. And people go, "Mm, I idolize him, but no crush."

835. No.

836. My crush is someone who's at least 20 years older than him!

837. - I'm sorry. - I'm sorry.

838. The winds tend to pick up when I get angry.

839. Yeah. And I got—the—

840. did you get—also get...

841. - Dust doesn't come near me. - Dust in your face?

842. - I'm a celebrity. - Oh, you're right.

843. My dream was to get Larry David to come down here.

844. But, of course, that's ridiculous.

845. He's not going to come down here to Argentina.

846. But I got the next best thing.

847. His name is Pablo, and he's a Larry David lookalike.

848. Bring him in here.

849. Larry, good to see you.

850. Give me, uh—give me, "Pretty good, pretty good."

851. Pretty good.

852. Pretty, pretty good.

853. Try it again.

854. Pretty, pretty good.

855. Yes.

856. She has a huge crush on you.

857. This is Larry.

858. And she's—I got to admit. I told you she was pretty.

859. She's pretty...

860. Pretty good.

861. No, no. Pretty...

862. - pretty good. - Pretty good.

863. Twice in a row. Pretty—

864. Pretty.

865. Pret—pretty—

866. Pretty—

867. - Pretty, pretty good. - Pretty good.

868. - Pretty good. - Pretty good.

869. Conan, let's just date.

870. Let's leave Larry David out of this.

871. You were right from the beginning.

872. Thank you.

873. Spend a few days in Argentina, and you'll soon learn

874. their number one passion is football,

875. so I decided to join a practice

876. with the Pope's favorite team, San Lorenzo de Almagro.

877. I am standing with

878. some of the best soccer players in the world.

879. These are incredible, incredible athletes,

880. amazing football players—

881. not soccer, football.

882. And you are the captain of a team.

883. - El capitan, sí? El jefe. - Sí.

884. Now give me some drills to do for the—

885. You can do—

886. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

887. Get on top of me.

888. Yes! Yes!

889. - Amazing! - Yes!

890. OK.

891. - OK, no. - Yeah.

892. I'll get it. Trust me. I'll get it.

893. Oh, sorry.

894. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

895. So show me. How—

896. Find the middle and choose one side.

897. Ah.

898. Oh!

899. - Yeah! - Ah.

900. OK.

901. Perito, one of the keys to winning a game

902. is being able to draw a foul.

903. It's take some acting, and I want to see how you guys do it

904. 'cause I think we can improve it, OK?

905. Action!

906. Oh!

907. Oh, look, he's hurt!

908. No, no, no. No lo toqué.

909. Let's—I'm going to look at the replay right now.

910. No, foul.

911. - This is a— - Crazy!

912. - It's crazy! - Ah!

913. - He's crazy. - Crazy.

914. Should I try it? I want to try.

915. Hey!

916. Guys, what did you think about what I did?

917. - Nice. - Good.

918. It can be—it can be better.

919. Hey!

920. - Whoa! - Hey!

921. - Hey! - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

922. Hey.

923. No!

924. - Ah! - Hey, hey.

925. - Hey. - Conan!

926. Conan, no!

927. - No. - Conan.

928. Is he dead? No!

929. After fake-recovering from my fake death,

930. I headed out to visit real Argentinian cowboys,

931. known as gauchos.

932. Well, here I am, out on Las Pampas.

933. Juan Pablo.

934. You are a gaucho.

935. Mucho. Yes.

936. I like to help here on Las Pampas.

937. Perfecto.

938. Señor, have you been a gaucho your entire life?

939. Sí.

940. 'Cause I suspect you were a telenovela actor

941. about two years ago.

942. And they hired you 'cause they knew I was coming.

943. Mm-hmm.

944. They call you Chuckles, don't they?

945. Yeah.

946. If I had an audience filled with guys like you,

947. I'd have shot myself a long time ago.

948. You don't have to tell him everything.

949. I must become a gaucho.

950. It is my destiny to be a gaucho.

951. Soy el gaucho.

952. Soy el gaucho!

953. Eso!

954. It's a great tradition of the Pampas

955. for the gauchos, after a hard day's work,

956. to gather around a campfire and sing their tales of woe.

957. Usually it happens at night.

958. It's about 2:00 in the afternoon.

959. I want to do it now

960. 'cause I got to get back to Buenos Aires.

961. We're staying in a killer hotel.

962. - Yeah. - It has a spa.

963. And I had a dad, mi padre

964. Es un scientist

965. He went to work a lot

966. I don't often think he had work to do

967. But there were a lot of kids

968. And my mother could really be a handful

969. So I think he went to work to get away!

970. But these are problems every gaucho must deal with

971. I'm getting kind of hungry

972. And I want to go to my hotel

973. In Buenos Aires where they have this crazy spa

974. You can get a facial

975. They use that really good clay

976. It cleans the pores

977. And then you get a mimosa

978. Oh!

979. Pero— well, you know the deal,

980. the way of Las Pampas.

981. Yes.

982. This man doesn't understand who I am

983. Or what the fuck I'm talking about

984. I have an amigo, a friend,

985. who says he knows all about gauchos.

986. Hola, muchachos.

987. Mucho gusto.

988. What does being a gaucho mean to you, Jordan?

989. Well, today we're joining a proud tradition

990. of Latin American horsemen.

991. Now, whether it's an Argentine gaucho

992. or a Chilean huaso

993. or even a North American vaquero,

994. where we get the word "buckaroo,"

995. by the way, in English,

996. this is important because this is a shared obstacle

997. that we are all facing together.

998. What is it you're talking about?

999. We're going to work the land, la tierra.

1000. Excuse me. I don't think they live off la tierra.

1001. He was at a Denny's an hour ago.

1002. He had—

1003. Pay no attention to the modern representations

1004. of our world.

1005. In my mind, we are in maybe the mid-1800s en Las Pampas.

1006. And we're five men.

1007. And we are going to bond—

1008. What's your problem?

1009. What is it?

1010. What's wrong with— why are you laughing?

1011. You've got a melted mushroom on your head.

1012. And you look like, uh,

1013. Super Mario having a nervous breakdown.

1014. What's happening?

1015. Are you OK?

1016. - Are you all right? - Yes.

1017. We're going to bond—

1018. Oh, my God. Look at his eyes. Look at the eyebrows.

1019. Los ojos.

1020. Los ojos loco.

1021. - Sí. - Loco, see?

1022. He's insane.

1023. What I'm saying is today we live

1024. with the animals—

1025. Good God!

1026. Pull yourself together, man.

1027. You guys don't live off the land.

1028. You go to restaurantes, sí?

1029. - Restaurante? - Sí.

1030. Sí, all the time. You go to McDonald's?

1031. - Sí. - He goes to McDonald's!

1032. You liked "Barbie," right?

1033. - Sí. - Yeah, yeah, sí, yeah.

1034. Never mind.

1035. What I'm saying is we're going to be amongst the animals.

1036. We're going to be—

1037. OK.

1038. What is your problem, you madman?

1039. I'm enjoying myself because here we're in a poetic moment.

1040. I'm thinking about the, uh,

1041. Cows roaming free on the plains.

1042. They're called the pampas. Pampas!

1043. Yes, I know. I'm speaking English.

1044. - But do you understand? - Yes. Yes, I understand.

1045. You may assume I'm uninitiated because, of course,

1046. I'm a foreigner.

1047. But in fact, I've crossed great distances

1048. of Patagonian steppe.

1049. And I've witnessed the gauchos on the land.

1050. And, you know, a lot of people think Ushuaia

1051. is pronounced "Ush-wa-ya."

1052. They think it's a Spanish word.

1053. But, of course, the Ushuaia is actually a native word.

1054. And it goes back, of course, before the time—

1055. Good God. That's a terrible dummy.

1056. Anyway,

1057. now it was time to unveil my gift

1058. to the people of Argentina.

1059. Oh, my God.

1060. This is crazy.

1061. - Maxi. - Oh, Conan.

1062. - This is insane. - Nice to meet you.

1063. Huh? We did it.

1064. We did it!

1065. Yes!

1066. You look fat there.

1067. - Yeah. - You know, the—

1068. I'm noticing that.

1069. - They made me look fat. - Yes.

1070. After defacing public property,

1071. I knew it was time to head home.

1072. And I'll never forget my fans Sebastian, Cammy, and Matías.

1073. And I was honored to help them soar to new heights.

1074. And to my many other amigos in Argentina...

1075. Pretty good.

1076. Pretty, pretty good.

1077. Pretty, pretty...

1078. This is deranged.