Conan O'Brien Must Go 1x2

1. Earth.

2. A cradle for unimaginable beauty

3. and staggering wonder.

4. Incomprehensible, overwhelming,

5. this planet mocks our feeble power to describe it.

6. Yes, to truly appreciate the astounding grandeur

7. of this planet, sometimes you must defile it.

8. Behold the defiler.

9. His character is vile, base, and depraved.

10. Once a proud talk show host,

11. he has been driven by a changing ecosystem

12. to a drier and harsher climate—

13. the weekly podcast.

14. Here, without the nourishment of his studio audience,

15. this clown with dull, tiny eyes,

16. the eyes of a crudely painted doll,

17. is forced to feed on that meagerest of morsels,

18. the random call-in fan.

19. Unhinged by the feral scent of their mild enthusiasm,

20. he scavenges in distant lands uninvited,

21. fueled by a bottomless hunger for recognition

22. and the occasional selfie.

23. This is madness.

24. This is lunacy.

25. This is chaos.

26. This is "Conan O'Brien Must Go."

27. Thailand.

28. Hey, Conan.

29. I'm Anna, and I'm calling from Thailand.

30. So tell us a little bit about yourself.

31. Where do you live?

32. I live in Bangkok, the capital city.

33. And right now I'm living with my mom.

34. How's that going?

35. It can be quite hard when, you know,

36. I'm working from home and I have to be on Zoom,

37. and my mom will always yell outside.

38. What kind of things does she yell at you?

39. Anna! Do you want dinner?

40. If I could talk to her, maybe I could explain to her

41. that it's very important that Anna do her work,

42. and you've got to stop yelling.

43. Why do you think she would listen to you?

44. Hey.

45. Hi!

46. - Wait. Hold on. Okay. - Yeah.

47. Okay. I can come in?

48. Yes, you can, but you need to take your shoes off, though.

49. Take my shoes off? Yes, of course.

50. - I respect that. - Oh.

51. Okay. Wow.

52. You seem somewhat— you seem a little, like—

53. I'm so shocked that you're here.

54. - Thank you for— - Yeah.

55. Well, you didn't really invite me, I don't think,

56. but I'm here anyway.

57. - Hi. - Hi.

58. I am Conan.

59. - Is she a big fan of mine? - Hmm?

60. Not a big fan.

61. Have you seen me on TV, you know, ha, ha?

62. Oh, very good. I like.

63. - She doesn't know you. - She's lying.

64. She has no idea.

65. Why is she lying then?

66. You realize I'm a celebrity in America?

67. Not at the top, no, kind of in the middle.

68. Just take my word for it.

69. Like, I wouldn't get invited to a—like, an Oscar party.

70. But if there was an Emmy party, they would think—

71. what are you doing? What is she doing?

72. - What is she doing? - I don't know.

73. Why are you doing these weird things?

74. What's happening right now? I don't know.

75. She's frightening me. Can I call you Mom?

76. - Yeah. Okay. Okay. - Okay.

77. Mom, I'm friends with Anna.

78. - Mm-hmm. - Yeah.

79. And we have a problem that I wanna help fix

80. - with your daughter. - No.

81. Yes, well, we— we do, actually.

82. Okay, you're laughing, but I'm being honest.

83. She works in the house.

84. Mm-hmm. She works. She works in the house.

85. I mean no disrespect.

86. Mm-hmm. No problem.

87. You are loud sometimes when she's trying to work.

88. Let's work on a new way.

89. So this is where I talk to you on the podcast.

90. Yes.

91. So you're clicking away on your work.

92. - Yep. - Anna!

93. - Oh, my God. - Anna!

94. - Anna! - Okay, okay.

95. Come on in, Mom. Come in. Hi.

96. Okay, okay. No, no.

97. Here, here.

98. Too—too loud, too loud.

99. Too loud.

100. Try it this one.

101. Anna.

102. Try now.

103. Anna.

104. - Anna. - Okay, again.

105. Anna, Anna, Anna, Anna, Anna, not listen to me,

106. but you stay here.

107. You listen to me. Why?

108. Ah! Ah!

109. She attacked me!

110. Do you think your mother is listening to me?

111. Is she gonna change?

112. - I'm promise. - You promise?

113. I promise.

114. You are such an actress.

115. I don't believe her for a second.

116. Okay, okay.

117. What's with all the exercise equipment?

118. - Oh, yeah. - It's good.

119. What are you doing to my ears?

120. What are you doing?

121. Ow!

122. - Whoa! - Ow!

123. God! Not—ow.

124. Anna! Anna!

125. Not stay here.

126. - Not stay here. - Ow!

127. Oh. Ow.

128. Ow. Ow!

129. You hit me.

130. No, that one is exercise for you.

131. That's not exercise for me.

132. Incredible.

133. - It's— - Not good?

134. - I like you very much. - I like you.

135. If you ever need help with anything,

136. just yell my name—Conan.

137. Conan!

138. Only a fool would end their first long day in Bangkok

139. after a 20 hour flight by agreeing to sing

140. on a hit TV show in a foreign language.

141. I was that fool.

142. - How are you? Nice to see you. - Nice to see you.

143. I am jet lagged.

144. I'm a little out of it, and I don't speak Thai.

145. But I think I can do this.

146. I'm a real song and dance man,

147. whatever you guys— where are you?

148. Whatever you guys need, I can do it, okay?

149. I'm agile, I'm still spry for my age.

150. Oh, sorry.

151. That person just saw an old red-headed woman

152. doing leg squats and ran away.

153. Tell me if there's anything you need.

154. Yes.

155. I need to be able to speak Thai,

156. and I need to be able to sing this song.

157. And I need more talent than I have.

158. Those are the three things I need.

159. - In 30 minutes? - 30 minutes.

160. This is Jen, who's helping us out.

161. Here.

162. What's the song about?

163. It's, like, about someone in the corner

164. that, like, he's looking at and having a crush on.

165. Oh, it's, like, a song about a creep.

166. Yeah. Possibly a stalker.

167. Here, you be the— you're the girl, right,

168. and you're here just minding your own business.

169. - Uh-huh. - And then—

170. Yeah, exactly. Not that scary.

171. Here we go.

172. Mai plot pai—is that "phai"?

173. Mai plot phai.

174. What does that mean, "mai plot phai"?

175. - Not safe. - Not safe?

176. Yes.

177. It's a song about a creepy guy

178. who's making the woman feel not safe.

179. What a wonderful ballad.

180. Time to go. Time to go.

181. Music.

182. Mr. Conan O'Brien.

183. Thank you.

184. Thank you. Thank you very much.

185. Welcome to "The Wall Song."

186. This is a huge treat for me.

187. Yes!

188. I got off a plane four hours ago.

189. I don't know what's happening.

190. And do you know that you come to this program,

191. you have to sing a song for us?

192. I'm jet-lagged and I don't know the language.

193. Let's give it a shot. Gentlemen.

194. Okay.

195. I—I don't know where I am or what is happening.

196. But God bless you all.

197. And really, what you're doing here is God's work.

198. I really believe that,

199. and I'm gonna go to the nearest hospital.

200. - Thank you very much. - Thank you.

201. After my appearance, I needed protection

202. from angry Thai viewers.

203. Meet Pon.

204. - Pon is my security guard, yes? - Yep.

205. 'Cause there's this notion someone had that people here

206. in Thailand would just go so crazy

207. when they saw me that my life might be in danger.

208. Pon, has anyone tried to attack me so far?

209. No.

210. Does anyone seem that excited?

211. No.

212. I'm gonna come at you in a few different ways,

213. and you show me what you would do.

214. I'll do it in slow motion.

215. I'll kill you, Pon.

216. I'll get you, Pon.

217. I'll get you, Pon.

218. Oh!

219. I'm very impressed.

220. Thank you.

221. Good.

222. Okay, I'm on the famous Damnoen River.

223. This is the site of the floating market.

224. You can float along this river, and very soon

225. we'll encounter other boats that are selling things,

226. and I can haggle and buy stuff while I'm on the boat.

227. Hold on. Oh, oh! Stop.

228. What do you see? What do we have here?

229. Let's see what we have here. Hold on. Hold on.

230. No, no.

231. I'll give you 6, 6.

232. I just haggled.

233. Hold it. Hold it.

234. Hold it.

235. I must have this.

236. Can you put this in a bag, please?

237. I don't wanna walk around with this.

238. Yeah, if you could wrap that up.

239. Look, it's already breaking through.

240. It's—look at that.

241. Ah! No!

242. I didn't buy anything.

243. I didn't buy that.

244. A child.

245. He saw this.

246. What are these? What's this?

247. Is this a potato? What is it?

248. It's tamarind.

249. You can't get good tamarind at Whole Foods.

250. My God, look at this. Look at this.

251. How much for the python?

252. 200.

253. 200 to buy?

254. - No, not buy. Photo. - Photo.

255. Oh, photo?

256. They seem to think that I want the python,

257. like, wrapped around me.

258. Give me your hand.

259. The kissing, kissing not necessary.

260. - Give me your hand. You touch. - Okay, that's great.

261. I paid for this privilege.

262. Oh, yes, that's great, yes, the kiss, yes.

263. Yeah. Mwah, mwah, mwah.

264. Yes, yes.

265. Yeah, you know. Now—now you kiss.

266. You kiss. You kiss.

267. No, no. No, no.

268. Oh, this way.

269. I want the big fan, big fan.

270. - Big fan. - Right there.

271. Oh, my.

272. Ooh, hoo!

273. Nice. Feels good, right?

274. Ah! Rubber chicken! Go back!

275. I must have it. Rubber chicken.

276. Hey, look!

277. Conan, Conan, Conan!

278. Yes!

279. You can't buy that kind of propaganda.

280. Thank you, Pon. Thank you.

281. This is very good. Oh, Pon, just one second.

282. Do you think—

283. Fan. God, he's good.

284. The people of Thailand have a tradition

285. of bold and colorful clothing, and being a known fashionista,

286. I decided to partake.

287. Nanya is a very famous suit and dress maker

288. - here in Bangkok. - Yeah.

289. What I would like is something very nice and formal

290. because this is how I normally dress,

291. like someone who just got out of rehab, you know.

292. Oh, hello.

293. This means we are now married.

294. Yes.

295. Now, my chest, big chest for a big man.

296. - Yes. - Strong man.

297. Yes, yes.

298. That's why your name is Conan.

299. Yes, because I'm so strong!

300. - Oh. - Thank you.

301. While my suit was being made, I ducked out

302. to a local shopping mall,

303. where I ran into a longtime fan.

304. I was filming over there,

305. and someone said you wanted to talk to me.

306. - What's going on? - Yeah.

307. I just had this with me.

308. Look at that.

309. You have a "Late Night with Conan O'Brien" shirt.

310. How long ago did you get that?

311. 17 years ago.

312. - Did you get it at the show? - Yeah, I got it from a show.

313. I went, stood in line, got a ticket, went and watched you.

314. Do you remember what happened during the show?

315. Yeah, there was some skit down the aisles

316. and Winter Olympics or something.

317. It was during, like, the Finland president—

318. I vaguely remember this.

319. So wait, you were in the audience?

320. - I'm in— - Where are you?

321. - That's me right there. - Stop it.

322. - That's me. - There you are!

323. You know what I'm noticing?

324. Know what? You're not laughing.

325. - You're not. - I'm just looking at myself.

326. You look like you're about to be executed.

327. 17 years ago, you witnessed that sketch.

328. Then, miraculously, we are reunited.

329. You didn't laugh then.

330. Can you give me the laugh that you didn't give me then?

331. - Sure, sure. - Go.

332. All right. Thank you.

333. Having bagged yet another fake laugh,

334. I got a text that my suit was ready.

335. - Huh? - Oh, wow.

336. Right?

337. Yes.

338. What do you think?

339. Beautiful.

340. Contrast.

341. I feel very important—

342. a great man, a man who stands astride a continent,

343. a man who's in control and commands.

344. Huh?

345. A man who deserves great respect, that's how I feel.

346. A man who commands millions.

347. A man who will live throughout history

348. and never be forgotten.

349. A man with his hands on his hips

350. for a long time,

351. even though that's not necessary

352. and no one stands this way.

353. A man men want to be and women want to be with,

354. and some men want to be with, and that's okay.

355. It's whatever anyone's into.

356. A man who walks around still with hands on hips,

357. padding on ass.

358. A man who refers to himself as a man a lot.

359. A man who just goes on and on and on

360. while this patient artist

361. waits for him to be quiet and leave the country.

362. A man who doesn't understand that maybe his time here

363. ran out 20 minutes ago.

364. A man who will live throughout history...

365. Bangkok's clothes are matched by the color and beauty

366. of their magnificent temples.

367. This is Pong.

368. Pong is a professional and expert tour guide.

369. - Hello, Pong. - Hello.

370. - Very good to see you. - Nice to meet you.

371. Yeah.

372. You take people on tours of the Buddhist temples.

373. - Is that right? - Yes.

374. The temple tour is good because, um,

375. 95% of the people here are Buddhists.

376. I see.

377. And a man like my age used to be monk for some time.

378. Wait a minute. You were a monk?

379. - Yeah, one week. - One week?

380. One week, yeah.

381. You can do meditation to purify your soul,

382. to be reincarnation for the next life.

383. Okay, you know what, I don't want a next life.

384. This—this life has been trouble enough.

385. Is it okay to—to take a pass on the next life?

386. Commit suicide, maybe,

387. but it's not— not the right way.

388. You're the first person I've met today

389. that has advised me to commit suicide.

390. - Yeah. - Where are we right now?

391. What is this beautiful structure behind us?

392. We call Wat Arun.

393. This must have taken months to build.

394. This is beautiful.

395. So like a year to build?

396. In total now, 240 years for Bangkok time.

397. - That's unions. - Yeah.

398. Yes, yes, yes.

399. - Where are you from? - China.

400. Oh, you're from China?

401. Thank you. Thank you.

402. I never know you are so tall.

403. No one knows I'm this tall.

404. People think I'm small. I'm very—

405. I just told that you are the big movie—

406. - I mean TV star. - Well, movie star.

407. I'm on cable television!

408. Oh!

409. Yeah, TV star, yeah.

410. I said you host for an Oscar.

411. Well, Emmys, Emmys, and the—

412. the Latin Grammys.

413. I hosted the Latin Grammys.

414. This guy was a monk for a week.

415. Tell him.

416. He's telling you I used to be a monk for one week.

417. I thought you were gonna say it in their language,

418. and then you just said what I said again.

419. Let's get out of here.

420. All these temples in Thailand

421. are guarded by massive, fierce stone warriors

422. standing there angry.

423. But then there's this guy. I just found him.

424. And I'm gonna say it.

425. He's just sassy.

426. Sassy!

427. - Which temple is this? - Reclining Buddha Temple.

428. Reclining Buddha Temple.

429. This is absolutely jaw dropping.

430. This is one of the most extraordinary things

431. I've ever seen in my life.

432. Now, let me ask you a question.

433. The Buddha is reclining, but he's clearly not asleep,

434. unless he sleeps with his eyes open,

435. - which is creepy. - Because—

436. I had a girlfriend that did that once.

437. Because just—

438. Just the image, is not real.

439. Okay. Oh, I know it's not real.

440. The Reclining Buddha is a symbol of Tuesday.

441. - Is that right? - Yes.

442. And Wednesday is...

443. The meditation position.

444. And what about Monday?

445. Monday—Monday—

446. You don't know Monday? See?

447. You can't just be—

448. you can't be a monk for a week...

449. - A week. - And then say, I've got it.

450. Next I was off to Bangkok's Chinatown, which at night

451. transforms into one of the world's biggest spots

452. for street food.

453. I'm here to experience the culture in Bangkok,

454. and that means everything,

455. even if that includes eating street food

456. that, well, frankly, scares me,

457. 'cause that's what travel hosts do.

458. Deep-fried scorpion.

459. Delicious.

460. Thai street food is notoriously spicy—

461. crazy spicy.

462. What they do often is tone it down for the tourists.

463. I said no, I can handle it.

464. Go all the way.

465. Give me your spiciest.

466. Is this it?

467. Not bad.

468. Crazy spicy.

469. I said no. I can handle it.

470. Ee! Ee!

471. Go all the way.

472. Shut up.

473. Give me your spiciest.

474. Crazy spicy.

475. Sassy!

476. I'm back.

477. Once the feeling finally returned to my face,

478. I visited another fan.

479. At least I thought she was a fan.

480. Nice to see you, Whitney.

481. Tell me a little bit about yourself.

482. What do you do for fun?

483. I climb. I do indoor rock climbing.

484. - Have you tried? - No.

485. The idea of going to a gym and doing rock climbing

486. really frightens me.

487. No, it's really fun. You should try.

488. Whitney, do you really think

489. I'd be a good rock climber, honestly?

490. No.

491. Well—well, wait a minute.

492. Are you aware that I'm a very old man?

493. I am aware.

494. You, like, 70s?

495. No, I'm not 70s!

496. I like Whitney.

497. That's terrible.

498. Is there anything you'd like to say that's positive about me?

499. Well—no.

500. All right.

501. Well, Whitney, I do hope our paths cross one day

502. and you take care.

503. - Hey. - Hi.

504. Nice to see you. How are you doing?

505. - I'm good. - Oh, Whitney. How are you?

506. I'm good. I'm good.

507. Where are we? Is this your apartment?

508. It's a gym, a climbing gym.

509. - This is a climbing gym. - Yes.

510. Can I say, you are so strong?

511. - Thank you. - Now, you try this.

512. Oh, that's good, too, not bad.

513. You can lie a little.

514. - How about a little— - I already did.

515. You already did.

516. Oh, this is good. You're tethered to something.

517. - This is top rope. - Okay.

518. So Barn there, she's gonna belay me.

519. Okay, she's gonna belay you, which—that means she—

520. My life is in her hands.

521. If you fell, she would catch you.

522. - Yes. - Okay.

523. You must stay focused.

524. I know it's a big deal to you that I'm here—

525. big deal.

526. She doesn't even know who you are.

527. She's pretending to not who—

528. know who I am, to try and look cool.

529. Whitney, whenever you're ready, go for it.

530. Okay.

531. Climbing.

532. She's going up so quickly.

533. She's like Spider-Woman.

534. Whitney, that's incredible.

535. Thank you.

536. I don't think I can do that.

537. You can do it.

538. - No. - Yes.

539. - No. - Just try.

540. You just wanna see me fail.

541. Well, that's true.

542. - So this leg here. - And this one—

543. - Small one too. - This one for left.

544. And then this has to go on either side of—

545. - Yeah. - Yes, the—

546. What? The junk? We don't say "junk."

547. What do you say?

548. Testicles.

549. The male reproductive system

550. has to be avoided on both sides, yes?

551. What's that?

552. You already have kids, so you should be okay.

553. Oh, just 'cause I have children already,

554. - I don't need a penis? - Yes.

555. You're a—you're—

556. it's the Don Rickles of Bangkok.

557. You're unbelievable.

558. So you just put your foot on this part, right?

559. - Yeah. - You ready?

560. Go, Conan. Go.

561. - Yeah. - You can do it.

562. Yeah.

563. Move your hand high, and move your right foot

564. to the right side.

565. Look at the right side.

566. We have the big one.

567. I'm doing it!

568. I'm bleeding a little bit. Is that okay?

569. You are fine.

570. You're fine. You're fine, yeah.

571. You're very good.

572. - The big one on your left. - Yeah.

573. You guys suck.

574. Yeah, big one on the right.

575. Why?

576. Why did I come to Bangkok?

577. Doing it.

578. - Nice. - Yeah, almost top, Conan.

579. Go to the left. Go to the left.

580. Two more.

581. - Okay! - Yes!

582. I did it!

583. Take me down.

584. Just let go and lean back.

585. Nice job!

586. Be careful.

587. Okay.

588. All the way, all the way.

589. Now put a sheet over me.

590. See? You did it.

591. You motivated me, Whitney.

592. By laughing at me, you made me fly

593. - over 8,000 miles, come here... - And you try.

594. And do something I didn't think I could do.

595. Awesome.

596. How is the health care

597. - in Bangkok? - Terrible.

598. Okay.

599. I'm at Big Brain Studios right now,

600. and I'm here because a lot of animation is done in Thailand.

601. They do fantastic work here, and I've been invited

602. to this studio by Thum.

603. - Is that right? - Thum, yes.

604. Thank you so much for having me.

605. Here's what I've noticed.

606. When I watch television here in Bangkok, lots of animation.

607. Right.

608. And even when they're shooting somebody,

609. they have lots of things happening all around them.

610. - Right. Yeah. - You guys love animation.

611. Of course, yes.

612. Tell me what people are working on.

613. I don't wanna bother anybody.

614. - Who's this guy? - He's Hey.

615. - This is Hey? - Hey, the monitor lizard.

616. So this is a character that you created here in studio?

617. - Yes. - Hey!

618. Isn't it possible that you've done something very dangerous?

619. You've taken the monitor lizard,

620. a known predator and danger to all humans,

621. and made him cute and cuddly to children.

622. Don't you believe that maybe this is a mistake?

623. Ow! He bit me.

624. - No. - Infected, oh.

625. Oh, no, no.

626. He tricked me.

627. He was so cute and cuddly.

628. We-oh, we-oh.

629. - No. - Yes.

630. Conan's gone, Conan's gone.

631. Who's to blame? Thum.

632. No way.

633. What's amazing is, I've been walking through

634. and talking to you, and no one stopped working.

635. Because they're afraid of you.

636. They're afraid of me?

637. How do you know they're afraid and they—

638. maybe it's just that they don't care?

639. No, no, no, no, no.

640. They are polite because most or some of them

641. - cannot speak, but— - They can't—

642. Here, this guy can speak English.

643. I like how you just— you just shoved him around.

644. Like, you'll pay attention to Conan.

645. Yes. He can speak to you.

646. No, no. What are you doing?

647. These are people. These are not puppets.

648. These are human beings.

649. He like me to do, like, things like that.

650. Okay, I'm sure. Yeah, he seems to love it.

651. He loves—yeah, yeah.

652. He loves your whole Franklin Roosevelt bit.

653. Here, right over here.

654. There you go. Enjoy.

655. You can ask him about animation.

656. Okay.

657. I could, or I could ask him if he feels safe here.

658. If he feels—he feels safe.

659. Do you feel safe working here or does she scare you?

660. No, I—I—behind your back, so he can see me.

661. Crazy woman.

662. Crazy right here. Yes, I understand.

663. Thum, we asked you and your creative team

664. here at Big Brain to make an animated short

665. that commemorates my visit to Thailand.

666. - Mm-hmm. - You've done that?

667. It's a work in process, but you can see—

668. Can I see what we have so far?

669. - Yes. - Okay.

670. Here we go.

671. There I am, showing up.

672. Oh, look. There I am on a motor scooter.

673. Oh, that's so great.

674. Getting a massage.

675. Got you—

676. Oh, eating a scorpion.

677. What's going on with my throat right here?

678. It looks to be swollen, as if I have a glandular issue.

679. - It's Thai style. - Thai style.

680. They believe that if you have, like, a lot of this,

681. you get, like, richer and richer.

682. Yeah, but here's the thing.

683. I live in Los Angeles, and we would

684. have these lines removed.

685. But in animation we believe that

686. you're gonna get richer and richer.

687. Yes, but in real life in LA, if you have wrinkles,

688. you get poorer and poorer.

689. - Oh. - Okay.

690. I have a few things that maybe we could add,

691. - if it's not a problem, okay? - Mm-hmm.

692. That are more accurate to my trip here.

693. Right.

694. Can we include a segment where

695. I'm not answering texts from my wife?

696. Maybe the phone could be going...

697. Where are you? Where are you?

698. And I'm just, you know, not listening, okay?

699. Okay.

700. Maybe a little segment where I'm having

701. way too much white wine at night in the hotel bar.

702. Okay.

703. And then maybe my producer pulling me away from the bar.

704. Yeah.

705. Oh, maybe a segment where,

706. because I watched your cartoon,

707. I think monitor lizards are safe.

708. So I go to cuddle one and it bites me,

709. and I get a terrible blood infection.

710. And then you and I are in court.

711. - Oh. - Let's add that segment.

712. Yeah, yeah, you're in court,

713. and the judge is going, "You're guilty."

714. And then I get a whole bunch of money.

715. - Okay. - Okay? Yeah.

716. And then the—then the monitor lizard and I high five

717. 'cause we were in cahoots the whole time.

718. - Okay. - Thank you very much.

719. Good luck ever getting money out of me for this.

720. There was another temple to explore in Thailand.

721. Yes, I'm talking about my body,

722. which I decided to put to the test.

723. This is Chao.

724. Chao runs a school, TC Muay Thai?

725. - Yes. Thai Boxing. - This is Thai boxing.

726. Chen "Chao" Weichao is a former

727. WBC Muay Thai world champion

728. and a master of one of the most grueling

729. types of boxing in the world, Thailand's own Muay Thai.

730. Thai boxing, of course, we all know uses a lot of legs.

731. Yes.

732. Look at my legs, long.

733. Look, this leg is as long as— almost as you.

734. - Comes up to— - Yes.

735. - Oh, my God. - Right.

736. I wanna ask Chao a couple of questions.

737. Okay.

738. Chao, how long have you been a boxer?

739. - Yeah, you need to tell me. - Okay.

740. Do you understand how translating works?

741. - You get it, right? - Yes.

742. He told you in Thai, and you're like...

743. Well, I'm glad you know now.

744. - 16 years. - 16 years?

745. Yes.

746. Does he think I have the physical attributes

747. one needs to be a good Thai boxer?

748. - Yes. Agile. I move. - Yes.

749. I move.

750. - Wow, wow. - I'm here.

751. - Yeah. - I'm over here.

752. Right? Right? Now I'm here.

753. - Incredible, yes? - Yeah.

754. Can I use Thai boxing in a real fight?

755. Because sometimes people come after me,

756. and I need to protect myself, mostly family members.

757. - Mm-hmm. - Yeah.

758. - Really? - Yeah. My wife not happy.

759. Wow.

760. Yeah. Okay, okay.

761. - Yeah. - My wife.

762. - Oh, your wife is here. - Yes.

763. - Is she also a fighter? - Yes.

764. Do you ever start kicking each other?

765. Yes.

766. Wha—wha—what?

767. This is your wife. Your name is?

768. - Yui. - Yui.

769. Is it true what he says, that sometimes you—

770. you guys are kicking each other?

771. Yeah, just for fun.

772. Oh, for fun.

773. I love that if you two went to a couples counselor,

774. all the discussion would be methods of self-defense.

775. Forced laugh.

776. All right, show me what I need to know.

777. - Hup, hup. - Hup.

778. - Hup. - Hup.

779. - Yeah. - Okay.

780. One.

781. Uh-huh.

782. Two.

783. One.

784. - Okay. - Yeah.

785. This just broke.

786. This is all broken. Broken.

787. One, two!

788. One, two, three, four! Hup.

789. Hup, hup, hup, hup.

790. One, two, three, four!

791. Why are you yelling?

792. I'm the one that's doing everything.

793. And then kick.

794. Okay.

795. I feel like I'm ready to fight.

796. Yes.

797. I think in about four minutes,

798. - I have mastered Thai boxing. - Yeah.

799. - Are you ready? - Yeah, I'm ready.

800. - Are you afraid? - Yeah.

801. - You should be afraid. - Yeah.

802. - Call your family. - Yes.

803. Tell them today is the day you die.

804. I have daughter.

805. - I have a son. - I'm sorry.

806. You had daughter. You had son.

807. No one has survived these legs, no one.

808. Here.

809. Oh, stairs.

810. - Yeah. - Sorry.

811. Yes! Yes!

812. After putting eight men in the hospital,

813. I knew it was time to race to the airport and flee Thailand.

814. I'll never forget my visit to this magical country,

815. my fans, Anna, her mom, and Whitney,

816. and especially the Thai people,

817. some of the warmest, funniest, and, perhaps rarest of all,

818. happiest people I've ever met.

819. They made me feel so welcome,

820. and it was gratifying to learn that my name

821. means a lot in their country.

822. But they also tested me, putting me through some

823. of the most grueling physical and mental challenges

824. I've ever had to endure in my life,

825. experiences, and triumphs I will never forget.

826. Thank you, Thailand.

827. This is deranged.