Conan O'Brien Must Go 1x1

1. Earth.

2. A cradle for unimaginable beauty

3. and staggering wonder.

4. Incomprehensible, overwhelming,

5. this planet mocks our feeble power to describe it.

6. Yes, to truly appreciate the astounding grandeur

7. of this planet, sometimes you must defile it.

8. Behold the defiler.

9. His character is vile, base, and depraved.

10. Once a proud talk show host,

11. he has been driven by a changing ecosystem

12. to a drier and harsher climate—

13. the weekly podcast.

14. Here, without the nourishment of his studio audience,

15. this clown with dull, tiny eyes,

16. the eyes of a crudely painted doll,

17. is forced to feed on that meagerest of morsels,

18. the random call-in fan.

19. Unhinged by the feral scent of their mild enthusiasm,

20. he scavenges in distant lands uninvited,

21. fueled by a bottomless hunger for recognition

22. and the occasional selfie.

23. This is madness.

24. This is lunacy.

25. This is chaos.

26. This is "Conan O'Brien Must Go."

27. Norway.

28. Hey, Conan.

29. My name is Jarle, and I'm from Bergen, Norway.

30. Let me say this correctly.

31. And first of all, nice to meet you, Jarle?

32. Yeah, yeah, that's pretty good, yeah.

33. Tell us a little bit about yourself.

34. You seem like a nice, cool chap.

35. I make Norwegian pop, like funk music with my cousin.

36. - Wait, do you have a group? - Yeah.

37. We have a group called E.D.A.

38. Can you rap in Norwegian for me?

39. - Okay, check it. - Check it.

40. Wow! I like that.

41. You should try.

42. Yes!

43. I wanna be a hit on the Norwegian pop charts.

44. Is that a possibility?

45. That is an above 0% possibility.

46. I cannot say that it's over 1%,

47. but it's, like, definitely like—

48. Well, come on.

49. In the mid-zeros.

50. - Listen—okay. - Mid zeros!

51. - You.

52. Jarle, it was really nice talking to you.

53. Let me know if you guys are over here.

54. A package for Jarle.

55. What?

56. A package for Jarle.

57. Yeah, coming.

58. Did that sound like me?

59. Hey, y'all, come on out here.

60. - Holy shit. - Ha, ha! Look.

61. Oh, my God.

62. Conan.

63. Yeah, I came to see you.

64. You came all this way just for me?

65. Yes!

66. - Oh, my God. - Just for you.

67. - I— - You're trembling.

68. Wow, this is crazy.

69. I'm in my goddamn Crocs out here.

70. That's you in your Crocs. That's okay.

71. That's okay.

72. It's so nice to meet you. - Likewise.

73. - Yeah. - 100%. Wow.

74. So you didn't know I was coming?

75. No, not at all.

76. Yes!

77. Fantastic.

78. Wow. Show me the apartment first.

79. Do you mind if I just check out what you got in here?

80. Go for it.

81. So you have one Corona,

82. and you don't even keep it in the fridge.

83. I don't like that beer.

84. I don't know where it came from.

85. You don't have a lot of food.

86. Look at this. Look at that.

87. He has one spoon.

88. What's your deal?

89. You—look, you have left this open.

90. And it got stale, and it's a solid block.

91. It's not supposed to be like that.

92. Look at that!

93. That's crazy.

94. How old is this bread?

95. One week.

96. One week, and you've left it open.

97. That's your bread.

98. This is your bread.

99. You know what's so great about this bread?

100. You can use it to break up the cereal.

101. I use it for something else.

102. Look at this! Look at this.

103. These are your goddamn potatoes.

104. Did you know these were sprouting?

105. I haven't opened that drawer in, like, a month.

106. Seriously, this is a huge problem.

107. You can't live like this. - No.

108. How long have you had this bed spread?

109. Probably since I was a little kid.

110. Since you were, like, a little boy.

111. - Yeah. - Yeah.

112. Where would I stay if I stayed here?

113. And you're on there.

114. Jarle, I'm gonna be honest with you.

115. This absolutely blows.

116. I see that now.

117. Jarle, I noticed that there is a receipt

118. behind you that's been framed.

119. What's that receipt for?

120. So this was just a joke I had with a buddy of mine

121. after I was at a store, the total value.

122. Oh, 69.69.

123. So it's a 69 joke.

124. And you fucking framed it.

125. Jarle, you have a band. What's it called?

126. - E.D.A. - What's that?

127. - E.D.A. - One more time.

128. It's E.D.A.

129. You got it.

130. Yeah.

131. How's that band going?

132. Oh, that's going great.

133. We're having a concert tomorrow.

134. Jarle, what time is your show tomorrow?

135. Show tomorrow is at, like, 23:30, whatever.

136. From now on, as long as we're friends,

137. when you discuss time with me,

138. we use the American system, okay?

139. I guess above, like, 12 numbers

140. is too high, like too—

141. Don't fuck around with me, Jarle, okay?

142. I'll wipe the floor with you,

143. which actually might be a good idea...

144. Because I think you'd pick up

145. a lot of lint as I drag you around.

146. I'm definitely gonna check out your show.

147. I would love for that too.

148. And I also wanna help your career.

149. If I give you advice and get you help, will you accept it?

150. - 100%. - Okay.

151. After leaving Jarle's apartment,

152. I had to deal with a pressing issue—

153. my missing luggage.

154. My luggage is gone— yeah, completely gone.

155. It's gone. They don't care.

156. What happened is, uh,

157. flew from LA to London,

158. London to Oslo,

159. Oslo to Bergen.

160. Somewhere along the way, gone.

161. Anyway, not to worry.

162. The hotel said they sell clothing

163. right across the street, so I came over here.

164. And check it out.

165. Problem solved.

166. Hi, hi.

167. What is your name? - Dagfinn.

168. - Dagfinn. - Yep.

169. Kids teased me when I was a kid because my name was Conan.

170. And your name is "Dogfinn." - Yeah, yeah.

171. And nothing— no one teased you, right?

172. - No, nothing like that. - Yeah.

173. How's your friend Fishface?

174. Is he okay?

175. Quick question— I just picked this up.

176. Is this how people dress in Norway?

177. No. No, no.

178. One "no" is fine.

179. Why'd you do three no's?

180. Because it's more, eh, ridiculous.

181. - This is ridiculous? - Yeah, yeah.

182. They sold me this.

183. They said that people wear this in Norway.

184. That's not true.

185. - Nobody wears this? - No.

186. You're saying I look foolish right now?

187. Yes.

188. Dogfinn, if I can call you "Dogfinn,"

189. you don't sugarcoat it, do you?

190. You tell it just as it is. - Yes.

191. - So I look like a fool? - Yes, today.

192. Do you think the women would like this outfit?

193. No.

194. Not today.

195. Do you think a guy might like this outfit?

196. No, no.

197. No one would like this outfit?

198. Yes, that's correct.

199. So far all you've done is shoot me down.

200. Yes.

201. You haven't said one nice thing to me

202. since I spoke to you.

203. No.

204. So you're just being very honest with me

205. that I look—I look stupid.

206. Yes, today.

207. - I look like a fool. - Yes, today.

208. - Like an idiot. - Yeah, today.

209. Do you think I should have waited

210. for my luggage to come back from the airport

211. rather than buy this?

212. Yes, yes. Oh, yeah, yeah.

213. So everything I've done is wrong?

214. Yes.

215. All right, Dogfin, I'm gonna go that way.

216. - Okay. - You go that way.

217. No.

218. I go also that way. - Wow.

219. God dang.

220. Dogfin! - Yes.

221. Yeah, yeah.

222. Wow!

223. After my run-in with Dogfin—

224. oh, man, look at this incredible drone shot.

225. Yeah, we're flying over Bergen Harbor.

226. You gotta use drone cameras on these travel shows.

227. Look at the detail.

228. You can see this hotel.

229. It's beautiful.

230. God, I love this drone.

231. I'm gonna make it my personal mission

232. to use it as much as possible.

233. Even if it feels a little forced!

234. After finishing my wine

235. and a big plate of Norwegian cod,

236. I decided to head out and discover the wild side

237. of Bergen's nightlife.

238. Hi, hi. Hi, hi!

239. Hi, hi.

240. This is something that I found in Norway that's a tradition.

241. People get together, they have a little drink,

242. and they knit at the same time.

243. Well, tell me—so you do this twice a month.

244. How did this get started?

245. Instagram.

246. Ah.

247. Well, what a great old ancient Norwegian tradition.

248. I don't know how to knit. What do I do?

249. How do I start?

250. You need to cast on first.

251. - Cast on, okay. - Cast off.

252. - Ooh, look at that. - Yeah.

253. So you just keep doing that.

254. Can you hand me my glass?

255. Can you—I'll do it if you just keep—

256. mmm.

257. Mm-hmm.

258. Uh-huh, you're doing very good.

259. - That's good. - Yeah.

260. Look, I knitted, everybody!

261. Very good.

262. How come you don't seem so happy for me?

263. It's a simple thing.

264. It's not a simple thing.

265. This is the greatest achievement of my life.

266. I'm curious, what were you talking about before I came?

267. What is this—

268. What you're knitting, what kind of fibers.

269. Oh, what are you knitting, what kind of fibers.

270. You know, it's funny you say that.

271. I have been—I touched women's sweaters before.

272. You need to ask.

273. And they were wearing them, and they got very upset.

274. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Easy there.

275. Torsten is taken.

276. Yes, but I can feel his fibers.

277. Oh, wow.

278. Ladies.

279. Ladies, please.

280. Look at that. Look how far I've gotten.

281. Look at that. Yeah.

282. It could be, like, a French bikini bottom maybe.

283. This is the thong.

284. This is the thong that goes up the back.

285. - A few more? - Yeah.

286. Trust me, you don't have to.

287. It's very cold out there.

288. Would you assist me here?

289. You hold on to that,

290. and I'll go around this way here.

291. And look at that.

292. That's fantastic.

293. This is a great new creation.

294. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

295. So I took my new wool lingerie and strutted outside

296. to see one of the world's greatest wonders.

297. God, the northern lights.

298. One of the highlights of coming to Norway.

299. It looks so gorgeous to be here,

300. to actually see it.

301. It's just stunning. Wow.

302. Yeah, the northern lights don't come out

303. for another three hours.

304. I'm not gonna stick around for that shit.

305. When you think of Norway, you often think of Vikings.

306. Well, I'm in Gudvangen.

307. It is a recreation

308. of a Viking village, and the good people here

309. dress as Vikings, live as Vikings.

310. Sir, what is your name? - Carl.

311. Carl.

312. And you are dressed as an authentic Viking.

313. Is that true?

314. As far as we can ascertain, yeah.

315. That's—that's a real weapon right there.

316. You're not fooling around.

317. This is a society where the only response

318. you have to an insult is violence, so—

319. So any time someone says,

320. "Hey, maybe you could trim that beard,

321. it's getting a little long," you can just say,

322. "It's Viking time," and kill everybody.

323. You can.

324. If the Viking thing ever dries up,

325. you could be a wizard.

326. Yep. I'll keep that in mind.

327. I don't think you will.

328. What the hell was that?

329. You have Icelandic chickens.

330. Thankfully he is only up when the sun is up,

331. so he'll go to bed pretty soon.

332. Rooster's insane.

333. I think he's lost his mind

334. 'cause he's living in this Viking village.

335. That is entirely possible.

336. Yeah.

337. Kill that thing.

338. I can't take it anymore.

339. Well, that shut him the fuck up.

340. Bah!

341. Look at this. This is incredible.

342. Thank you for inviting me to your authentic Viking world.

343. And what would this be?

344. This is gonna be the needle for this cloakpin.

345. For what? Oh, this is jewelry I'm making?

346. Yeah. So it's a—

347. And I thought I was making a weapon.

348. Can I say something?

349. You're a very happy, jolly fellow.

350. I bought my freedom when he captured me as a slave,

351. so yeah, I should be jolly now.

352. Oh, okay.

353. Wow.

354. How would I do as a Viking?

355. I am a redhead, so I probably have Viking DNA in me.

356. - Conan the Red. - Conan the Red.

357. I am Conan the Red,

358. son of Thomas,

359. the microbiologist,

360. and Ruth, the estate attorney.

361. I was forged in iron.

362. I've come here to pillage and murder!

363. I must now meet my tribe, and then they will know fear!

364. I am Conan the Red.

365. Who is your chief?

366. I am.

367. I have to say, I'm not feeling it.

368. I wanna learn the ways of a Viking.

369. Can you sorta show me the ropes?

370. Are my pants falling?

371. I think my pants are falling down.

372. Yes! Right? - Yep.

373. Why would Vikings do this?

374. Well, mostly for fun.

375. - For fun? - Yeah.

376. This isn't, like, a battle skill?

377. Not for the Vikings.

378. So this was a big waste of time what I just did.

379. - Dah— - Let's go.

380. What are we cooking here?

381. Well, we just melted some ice.

382. Oh, the old ice stew.

383. - Yeah, the ice stew. - Oh, wow.

384. What do you eat here in the village?

385. Um, onions, turnips, with meat as well

386. from boar hunting, deer hunting.

387. Oh, man, this place blows.

388. Guys, these people are crazy.

389. They're nuts.

390. Hey, do you want out of here?

391. I can get us a van.

392. I can get you down to Oslo in two hours.

393. No, I can.

394. The van's not over there.

395. You don't have to live like this.

396. Now, Carl, you said that insults

397. were usually how fights began. - Yes.

398. So why don't you start by insulting me?

399. Come on. Really go for it.

400. You overgrown ginger lump.

401. You son of a bitch!

402. Okay.

403. Again.

404. I find your sense of humor juvenile

405. and an insult to the concept of humor.

406. Come on. Try it again, Carl.

407. You having a stroke, Carl?

408. You hamburger-eating, diabetic, uh,

409. joke of a lost British colony.

410. Wow.

411. I'd be insulted, but it's all true.

412. I don't think you were cut out to be a Viking.

413. I just don't.

414. Now, you showed me your world.

415. Let me show you mine.

416. - Skal. - Skal.

417. Back in civilization, I decided the best way

418. to help my new friend Jarle

419. was to join him in the recording studio.

420. Jarle has teamed up with his partner Christian,

421. and you two are a writing team.

422. Is that right? - That's true.

423. And you perform together.

424. And these guys are the engineers.

425. Is that right? - Yes.

426. - What is your name? - Morten.

427. Okay, I'm not gonna remember that.

428. And what's your name? - Isaac.

429. Okay.

430. All right, I'm gonna call you Chip and Chop.

431. Don't take it personally, but this country

432. has got a fucked-up language.

433. I don't know what's going on, okay?

434. If I wanted to be in a Tolkien novel,

435. I'd go live in a Tolkien novel.

436. All right, "Shteeb,"Shteib," let's hear the first song.

437. This is called "Welcome to the Clubbin'."

438. Ah, ah.

439. Stop right there.

440. I know a lot about rap, and I've produced

441. some of the greatest acts in the world.

442. To me, that sounded like rap.

443. Now, when he's rapping, what are you doing?

444. - Just listening. - Yeah.

445. Okay.

446. We have a little bit of a Simon and Garfunkel

447. thing happening here.

448. And no offense, I just wanna hear

449. what you're contributing to this...

450. Yeah.

451. Because I've gotta look at the bottom line.

452. Okay, I owe you an apology.

453. That was fantastic. That was great.

454. Yeah, I'm now thinking you have to go.

455. You're less ironic.

456. You know, you're doing a lot of like...

457. You know?

458. And this guy is like—you're laying it down, no apologies.

459. There's usually in some of these songs—

460. correct me if I'm wrong— like, a vocal part

461. that I could maybe add. - Yeah.

462. But it's something that tells you we're in Norway,

463. 'cause I think that would help, you know?

464. You know what I mean? - Yeah.

465. Like he's in the club, but he's looking at the fjord.

466. That tells you we're in Norway,

467. possibly Seattle, some Nordic country.

468. But you know what I mean?

469. Do you think that would lay in on the bridge?

470. Yeah, it definitely would.

471. Oh, yeah.

472. Let's go!

473. Excellent.

474. I think what we do is, we lay that in.

475. I think this is a bona fide hit.

476. I wanna get this track played on the radio today,

477. and I will use all of my connections

478. in Norway, which is basically you and you.

479. Yeah.

480. You—you have, like, no shoulder at all.

481. This is like—it's like I'm holding on to a butterfly.

482. I should lift more.

483. No, no, you shouldn't lift anything at all.

484. Your arms would fall off and shatter on the floor

485. like little pieces of China.

486. Guys, there's one thing we haven't brought up,

487. which is, what's the financial arrangement here?

488. Hmm.

489. You understand that I'm bringing a lot

490. to the table now. - Absolutely.

491. Yeah.

492. So you would both have to take a decrease

493. in order to make room for me.

494. You're gonna hear from William Morris Endeavor.

495. That's WME. - Okay.

496. As soon as we find a working telephone here,

497. they're going to call you, and, um,

498. they're going to explain to you what I'm getting, okay?

499. Don't fuck with these people. - Okay.

500. Okay?

501. I swear to God, don't fuck with these people, all right?

502. Just give them what they want.

503. It's gonna be Rick Rosen and Gavin Polone.

504. And when they're done with you, you'll be two skeletons.

505. They're criminals.

506. They once both held Suge Knight out a window.

507. Yeah, and he shit his pants. - At the same time?

508. What's that? They each had a leg.

509. While Jarle and Christian went to an ATM to get my money,

510. I decided to explore Norway's casual

511. and shame-free approach to sex.

512. They call it "sex before coffee."

513. And as an intellectually curious pervert,

514. I decided to investigate.

515. I'm sitting here with Catrin Sagen.

516. And you are a psychologist and a couples therapist...

517. Yeah.

518. And a bit of an expert on sex.

519. - Yeah, I am. - Okay.

520. Teach me how to flirt in Norway.

521. You cannot go into a woman and pay

522. for the restaurant bill. - Really?

523. Yes.

524. That might—she might feel that you are for inequality.

525. So she—she will not like that. - Right.

526. But if you don't try to pay it,

527. she will find you cheap and—

528. - See, there's no winning. - I know.

529. It's a game.

530. Okay, let's try right now.

531. A meal has just been put.

532. We're here and we've just— we're eating the meal.

533. What are you eating, pasta? What are you doing?

534. - Yes. This is— - No one eats like this.

535. I don't know what you're doing.

536. Now we've had our dessert.

537. I'm having a parfait. - Yes.

538. Long spoon.

539. Maybe just a little bit more masculine for my kind

540. of taste, not that—

541. No, I—I—

542. it's a tall and it's like— it's a swirling—

543. it's got a lot of little creams and syrups in it,

544. it's a long spoon.

545. But you do want to have sex with me, right?

546. What's that?

547. So don't do that with the tongue.

548. - So I've just paid for dinner. - Yeah.

549. I'll take this.

550. Take care of this. There you go.

551. There's my card. All right.

552. And what's this?

553. Oh, it was rejected.

554. Oh. I can pay.

555. - No, no, that's fine. Here. - Okay.

556. - Try—try this. - It's a gold platinum card.

557. Try this card, yeah.

558. That should—what?

559. Also? Here, try this.

560. It's an old Diners Club card.

561. - Oh. - Now—what?

562. Oh, come on.

563. The saying "sex before coffee,"

564. does that mean that Norwegians like to maybe have sex first

565. and then get to know each other?

566. Yes.

567. - That's fascinating to me. - Yeah.

568. You have sex first, and then you talk.

569. Yeah. Or never talk.

570. If you don't like the sex or like the person.

571. Pretend that we just did have sex...

572. - Yeah. - And you did not enjoy it.

573. Would you say anything negative about my body?

574. No.

575. What if things were just kind of weird down there?

576. I wouldn't tell you anything.

577. - You wouldn't say anything? - No.

578. What if it's just sort of takes

579. a sharp turn to the left?

580. That might be interesting. I don't know.

581. No, it's not in a— not in a good way.

582. It's not in a good way?

583. It is like— it's like it's on a hinge.

584. - Okay. - It's just—it's—

585. it's like an old rusty gate that's stuck open.

586. I don't know that I could hook up in the morning and—

587. and not talk with someone, and then go have coffee.

588. That's one of the things I've been told is,

589. I talk a lot during sex.

590. - Oh. - But I don't say sexy things.

591. - No. - I just talk a lot about—

592. - Different things. - Well, just like—

593. The weather.

594. Well, Woodrow Wilson comes up a lot.

595. And I'll say, you know, it's interesting 'cause he—

596. in his first term, he ran on, I'll keep us out of the war,

597. and then he got us into the war.

598. And I usually talk about that when I'm climaxing.

599. - Hmm. That's different. - Yeah.

600. And he had a stroke in office,

601. and his wife made many of the decisions.

602. And so some say she was the first female president

603. because she was making the decisions

604. and telling the cabinet. - Yeah.

605. And then I come. Ah!

606. - Eh. - You don't like that?

607. No, it doesn't feel like you're having sex with me.

608. Oh, I didn't even know you were there.

609. - Oh, yeah. - No, I do this by myself.

610. - Oh. - Yeah.

611. I'm often— - When you're alone.

612. I often go to a bus station and use the men's room,

613. and I just take care of business myself

614. with old Lefty.

615. And I talk about Wilson.

616. I lost my virginity rather late.

617. It was the middle of Obama's first term.

618. Yeah, you might save that for a later—

619. Was right around the time they got Bin Laden.

620. Really? Yeah.

621. I mean, in fact, I think—

622. I'm pretty sure it was that night.

623. Oh.

624. When they got Bin Laden, and I—

625. - Never ever tell anyone. - I was in a bar.

626. And I told a woman that I was part of the team,

627. and I got laid. - Okay.

628. Which wasn't really true and also not believable.

629. I got him tonight, and I flew right back,

630. and suddenly I'm in a bar in Los Angeles?

631. Yeah, that's strange.

632. I'm way too old to be in the military.

633. Yeah.

634. - She was not smart. - No.

635. What if a guy was my age and, including his wife,

636. he had been with three,

637. but one of them was more of a procedure?

638. Like in the health care?

639. It was a health care situation.

640. Okay.

641. And I had—

642. was trying to pass a stone.

643. And I went to this clinic, and they said, well,

644. the nurse will first assess.

645. So this nurse was working on my junk down there,

646. and then I was like suddenly, ah!

647. You know, I think—

648. I don't know how Wilson came up, but he did.

649. And I was like, ah. - Of course.

650. And then—now—

651. oh, thank you so much. - Thank you.

652. - We are having coffee. - Yeah.

653. So that means I've been with four people in my life.

654. - Okay. - Yeah. All right.

655. Next I was off to Lofoten to visit another fan.

656. That's right. I have two fans in Norway.

657. Kai, tell me a little bit about yourself.

658. Who are you?

659. I am just a run of the old mill fish farmer from Norway.

660. Do you like going out on the sea

661. and working with these fish?

662. It's amazing. We're—we're just two—

663. like, we're colleagues, but basically

664. we're really good friends going out on the boat,

665. doing our thing.

666. Well, you mentioned that you go out

667. in the sea with someone else. Who is this?

668. His name is like— in Norwegian, his name

669. is pronounced "Gard Seeman."

670. His name is "Guard Semen"?

671. Yeah, that's—

672. yeah, it's Gard Simen.

673. Do you ever get irritated with him?

674. Oh! Every day, every day.

675. What does Gard Simen do that gets on your nerves?

676. What doesn't he do that gets on my nerves?

677. - God! - He just exists.

678. Hey.

679. How are you? - Welcome to Norway.

680. - That's so cool. How are you? - I'm good.

681. It's so nice to meet you in person.

682. - Really exciting to see you. - Yeah.

683. This is so cool. - Yeah.

684. - It's great. I made it. - Huge.

685. - This is a big deal. - Yeah.

686. It's—it's really cool.

687. I just—I'm really bad at showing emotions.

688. Kai, we have zero chemistry.

689. What are we gonna do?

690. You've got this cool color to your face

691. from being out on the sea every day.

692. - Yeah. - Can I get that, you think?

693. Mm...

694. maybe.

695. We'll try not to have, like, the white mountains

696. in the background because then you probably

697. only be able to see your hair.

698. You're an asshole. He's a total asshole.

699. - Okay.

700. We're gonna get on the boat, right?

701. Yeah.

702. Didn't think I'd have my own gear, did you?

703. It was a crab took me hand.

704. A baby horseshoe crab took me hand.

705. Now, of course, traditionally,

706. when a fisherman goes to sea, he says goodbye to his family.

707. It's very emotional, they might not ever see him again.

708. My family didn't come along for this.

709. They wanted no part of it, so I hired a family to be here.

710. Well, I'm off to sea.

711. I love you guys. - Love you too.

712. If I don't come back, son, you're in charge

713. of the family hook, okay?

714. All right.

715. Off to my certain death.

716. Okay, we are at sea, and I'm sitting here with Kai.

717. And, Kai, this is your co-worker...

718. Gard Simen.

719. Kai, you said that sometimes things get rough with—

720. with Gard Simen.

721. It's two men trapped on a boat together

722. in the North Norwegian Sea. - Yeah.

723. What does Gard Simen do that bothers you?

724. When I try to teach him stuff,

725. he always disagrees, even though

726. this is something I know.

727. When he tells you something, you argue with him?

728. Sometimes he might not have the best solution.

729. Bullshit.

730. I always have the right solution.

731. Gard Simen, I want you to say something

732. that you admire about Kai.

733. I think Kai knows a lot about working on the ocean.

734. Kai, I would like you to say something

735. that you admire about Gard Simen.

736. And take—take your time.

737. That's my phone.

738. Who's calling you?

739. I have no idea.

740. It's a unknown number.

741. Probably a sales call.

742. I thought the whole point of doing this was that

743. you guys are out on the high seas.

744. And you get a sales call too?

745. - Yeah. - You get bullshit spam calls?

746. Yeah.

747. Sometimes I pick them up just to have

748. somebody to talk to, but—

749. Gard Simen, do you realize what an insult that is to you?

750. Yeah.

751. Sometimes he comes in here to take a spam call

752. just so he doesn't have to talk to you.

753. Oh, my God, that's the worst.

754. I wanna ask you a quick question.

755. There's some kind of rivalry between what you guys do

756. and fishermen. Is that right?

757. Yeah.

758. You two are at a bar.

759. I'm gonna be a cod fisherman.

760. What do you guys do for a living?

761. Farm salmon and—

762. - You farm salmon? - Yeah.

763. Oh, yeah? I go out and I catch cod.

764. I catch it like a real man.

765. What do you do? You grow salmon?

766. We feed it and then we—

767. - I feed the salmon!

768. I catch the cod!

769. Have fun doing that.

770. I don't have— putting my drink down.

771. I don't have fun doing it.

772. I do it 'cause I'm a man!

773. Hey, calm down, man.

774. Who the fuck is this guy?

775. I go out there like a man,

776. and I catch the cod...

777. With me hook and me line.

778. Having gone insane after only ten minutes at sea,

779. it was time to hit the bar.

780. Skal.

781. Oh, man.

782. That's the hardest I've ever worked.

783. I'm hosing down the ocean.

784. Who took my fish?

785. Kai, faster! Faster, Kai!

786. What do you think?

787. Should I give a toast to the whole room?

788. Would that be nice? - Absolutely.

789. Definitely.

790. - Are there any fishermen here? - Me.

791. You're a fisherman?

792. Oh, we're gonna go— we're gonna fight

793. 'cause I'm a salmon farmer.

794. Do you wanna fight me? - Yeah.

795. Wait, you do?

796. Right here.

797. You scared of me?

798. Cut it out.

799. He's faster than I thought.

800. After getting beaten senseless by a ten-year-old boy,

801. I knew there was only one thing that could cheer me up.

802. Another gratuitous shot with the drone.

803. We're getting our money's worth!

804. I hadn't done any souvenir shopping,

805. so before I left town, I decided to buy something

806. my kids would love—

807. Lofoten's number one product—

808. cod.

809. This is my carry-on luggage.

810. Let's cod me up, would you?

811. I like that one. Okay.

812. Go.

813. Great.

814. Could I get— yeah, three cod heads?

815. - Yeah. - Okay, great.

816. Here, help me close this.

817. Yes.

818. Yeah.

819. - Yeah, that's fine. - You got it?

820. Zip 'er up.

821. I was off to the airport with my suitcase

822. packed to the gills.

823. By the way, that joke was written by AI.

824. They're coming for us all.

825. Our tire just went into this ravine.

826. The car is stuck.

827. We've only been trapped about, I'd say, five minutes,

828. but I think we're gonna have to start eating people.

829. We'll start with the sound technician.

830. No? Okay.

831. We'll eat an intern first, and then I think, uh,

832. whichever camera person has more muscle and fat.

833. I think that's gonna be you, so.

834. Or we could use the backup vehicle

835. and just shuttle to the airport and not eat anybody.

836. Those are kind of our two choices.

837. We got some luck here.

838. One of these guys had a cable with him,

839. and he's gonna try and use it—

840. to use this van to pull this van out.

841. Can we just act like I helped do this?

842. - Sure. - Watch this.

843. All right, I think we got it, guys.

844. I just wanna keep everybody—

845. Yeah, I'd like to—excuse me.

846. If it snaps.

847. Yeah, excuse me.

848. I'd like to keep everyone back in case this snaps, okay?

849. How's it looking up there? I don't know his name.

850. Glorg?

851. How's it looking up front? What do you think?

852. We have a good chance? - Maybe.

853. Okay, well, a Norwegian "maybe" is an American "yes."

854. I don't know what that means.

855. It's going a little deeper into the ditch.

856. I'm not having any effect on this,

857. but I'm just gonna walk around a lot and look like—

858. how are we looking here?

859. Try again.

860. You know, I think it's worth another try, guys.

861. Let me check the line.

862. Yeah.

863. All right, I think we're good.

864. We've gotta get to the airport to get to Oslo.

865. We're in desperate situation

866. 'cause we have a dinner reservation at 8:00,

867. and those are hard to get.

868. Okay, we've been now here about 25 minutes.

869. We are rapidly losing body heat.

870. It would help a lot if I buttoned my jacket...

871. But I don't like the way that looks.

872. Fortunately, we made it to Oslo in time

873. for our dinner reservation.

874. Unfortunately we never got to taste the flesh of our crew.

875. And as I promised, I used my connections

876. to get Jarle and Christian's song played on the radio.

877. - You are Alex. - I'm Alex. You're Conan.

878. I am coming to you with an amazing opportunity.

879. All right.

880. - I have recorded a song. - Yeah.

881. And it is by a hip-hop duo in Bergen, okay?

882. They're called E.D.A.

883. And I did the vocals for the bridge.

884. Okay.

885. I do think when you hear my bridge,

886. your golden locks are gonna fly off your head.

887. You'll be bald when this is over.

888. Okay.

889. It'll be just some golden Nordic hair

890. lying on the floor.

891. The hair will never grow back. - Yeah.

892. Yeah, you'll be bald the rest of your life,

893. unless you have the hair on the floor stitched into a wig

894. and placed on your head.

895. Before we play the song, give me an example of what

896. the intro will be like.

897. Well, I might say something like,

898. you're listening to "The Afternoon Show"

899. here at Radio Nova, and we have something real special

900. coming up for you right now.

901. I like the "real special." That's cool.

902. Yeah? Yeah? All right.

903. We have something real special coming from you.

904. Mr. Con—Conan O'Brien.

905. And try—try not to bobble the name.

906. Just Conan O'Brien. - Conan O'Brien.

907. Yeah, 'cause the way you said it,

908. it almost sounds like, I'm not even sure who that is,

909. as opposed to, it's that guy. - Yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah.

910. Okay, play up my name a little more.

911. The most famous comedian in America

912. has agreed to come to Norway

913. and bless us with his presence.

914. You want me to say those words,

915. "bless us with his presence"? - It'd be nice.

916. All right.

917. This song is playing right now all over Norway?

918. Right now it's just playing downstairs in the building.

919. Oh.

920. Now for another beautiful drone shot,

921. except flying a drone camera is illegal

922. within the city limits of Oslo.

923. But paid a lot for this thing, and I'm gonna use it.

924. Fire it up, fellas!

925. What is your name? - Otar.

926. - Otar? - Yes.

927. I was told that in Norway,

928. people like their personal space.

929. - Yeah. - Right?

930. So this is the right amount of space.

931. Yeah, this is the right— this is right.

932. Okay, now what about— you tell me when I'm too close.

933. Ah, you're too close, too close.

934. That's too close. - Okay.

935. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

936. Try it. Just try it. Just try it. Just try it.

937. Just try it. Just try it. - Okay, try—I'm trying.

938. A little bit scared, though. - See?

939. Nothing bad happens when you're this close.

940. - No, actually it's okay, then. - Yeah, isn't it fine?

941. You kind of like it, don't you? - Maybe it's okay, then.

942. Yeah. Is this okay?

943. You like it? - Yeah, yeah, it's fine.

944. Listen, I want you to remain perfectly still.

945. I'm going to lick your cheek, okay?

946. You can do it. - Okay, let's see.

947. Yah—

948. See? Norway can change.

949. This personal space thing is just ridiculous.

950. - Okay. Now I'm relaxed. Yeah. - You're good, right?

951. Okay, your hand is on my ass.

952. - Hi. - How are you?

953. What is your name? - Eben.

954. - Are you Norwegian? - Yeah.

955. You know, I've noticed—

956. I've been here for a little while—that the Norwegians

957. are very reserved.

958. Yeah.

959. They are very kind of quiet.

960. Yeah.

961. They don't have much to say.

962. No.

963. - They're very honest. - Yeah.

964. How do you think I—

965. what do you think of my look?

966. Yeah, a little bit, um,

967. perhaps, you know, a little bit too old.

968. You think I'm too old to dress this way?

969. Yeah.

970. What's—what's—

971. I'm trying to look too young for a guy my age,

972. is that what you're saying?

973. Yeah.

974. So maybe I should dress a little older.

975. Yeah.

976. Like wearing clothes

977. that's more suitable for someone my age.

978. Yeah.

979. How old do you think I am?

980. You're close to 60.

981. Jesus.

982. Yes.

983. Yeah. Happy for you.

984. Thank you.

985. That's so lovely.

986. All right, so let's review.

987. Norwegians are quiet.

988. - Yeah, a little quiet. - Reserved.

989. - Yes. - I dress inappropriately.

990. Uh, yeah.

991. It's sad the way I'm dressed.

992. Okay, if you wanna put it that way, yes, it's sad.

993. Would you like to have this coat?

994. I don't think I can wear it anymore.

995. Maybe you could sell it.

996. - It's a Tom Ford? - Yeah.

997. I can sell it.

998. Really? Okay.

999. Nice to see you, sir. Yeah, thank you.

1000. Finally, the time had come for Jarle and E.D.A.

1001. to debut our new song at what I was told

1002. was Norway's largest concert venue.

1003. Conan O'Brien!

1004. One, two, three, four!

1005. Whoo!

1006. Long live Norway!

1007. Whoo!

1008. Bro, what the fuck just happened?

1009. E.D.A! E.D.A! E.D.A!

1010. Sadly, the time had come for me

1011. to leave the beautiful country of Norway.

1012. Many thanks to the Norwegian people

1013. for their generous warmth, relentless honesty,

1014. and their unflinching commitment to cod—

1015. so much goddamn cod.

1016. And I'll never forget my Norwegian fans Jarle, Kai,

1017. and, of course,

1018. the DJI Inspire 2

1019. with Zenmuse X5S gimbal

1020. and Synacor 2.0 image processing.

1021. I realized I wanted more, so...

1022. there's a kind of wisdom, I think,

1023. that comes with age and experience.

1024. You learn about your own mistakes.

1025. You know, you're a great listener.

1026. Hey, Conan. It's me, Kai, here.

1027. I don't know if you remember the drink we had in the bar.

1028. There was a girl there, which I've known for a while.

1029. Conan gave me a tap on the shoulder and told me to—

1030. to go for it, and I did.

1031. So we're living together now, and, uh,

1032. and we're expecting our first baby, a little girl

1033. now in February.

1034. Things are going really great.

1035. Thank you for your visit.

1036. This is deranged.